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Treasure Island

a Pantomime by Roger Morrish


CAST
Polly Squawkins
Jack Squawkins
Daisy
Tibia Bones
Dr Liverish
Squire de Neau
Grizelda
Gorgonzola
Bodgejob
Norman
Ethel
Sammy
Captain C Dogg
Red Ruth
Police Sergeant
Chorus of

- Dame, and Landlady of the Inn


- Her son, in love with Daisy (principal boy)
- A foundling, really Granites daughter (principal girl)
- A one armed, one legged, one eyed pirate
- Poor, weak, squeamish Doctor
- Evil penniless Squire
- Squires Wife
- Squires repulsive daughter
- The Squires bungling assistant

Crew of the Saucy Sal

- The Cat of nine tales


- Pirate Captain
- C Dogg's first mate
- Police Sergeant
- Villagers, Seafarers, Pirates and Policemen

ACT 1
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene

1
2
3
4
5
6

- Ouside the Dandelion and Privet Inn


- The Dandelion and Privet Inn
- The Road to the Coast
- The Quay
- At Sea
- Treasure Island - The Stockade

ACT 2
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene
Scene

1
2
3
4
5
6

- In search of Treasure
- The Cave
- Somewhere on the Island
- The Quay
- Odd Down
- Finale

This script belongs to .

Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

ACT 1 - Scene 1

Outside The Inn

Tapping and singing off stage getting slowly louder. ENTER Tibia Bones
Tibia: Fifteen men on a dead mans chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil had done for the rest, yo ho ho and
a bottle of rum. (Tibia stops and limps with his good leg). Ouch! Oh my toe, tis fair killing me. Ill have to take a look
(sits down and takes shoe off to reveal toes sticking through end of sock). By the skull and crossbones that there toe nail
do need trimming Tibia my lad (cuts toenail with hook). Ah! Thats better (wriggles toes). All ship shape and Bristol
fashion (puts on shoe). Tis a long way youve come Tibia my lad (pulls piece of paper out of coat) but tis rich you're
goin to be, once youve got yer ands on Cap'n Granites Treasure. Why you could buy yourself a real mahogany leg with
sandalwood inlay an maybe a little wheel fitted so as you can scoot along stead of clumping about. Oh ah rich you're
goin to be thanks to old Granite, may he rest in peace, or should I say pieces after that cannon ball hit im (laughs). Aye
tis fish food he be now an I got his map. (Waves paper then sniffs). Avast there whats that I smell? Rum? RUM! Then
up anchor Tibia says I, an cram on all sail for the Dandelion and Privet Inn.
EXIT Tibia singing Fifteen men on a dead mans chest

ACT 1 - Scene 2 The Dandelion & Privet Inn


Curtains open on Inn scene - lively dance

SONG 1
Majority of Chorus stay in background singing and drinking from tankards. Squire and Mrs de Neau, their daughter and
Doctor Liverish sit at a table (or take part in dance). At the end of the song, cheering and general chatter. Squire moves to
front
Squire: (not impressed with the dance) What a load of old rubbish! (calling out) Mrs Squawkins! (pause) Mrs Squawkins! Where
is the woman?
Enter Mrs Squawkins
Mrs S: Coming Squire, coming! And what would your Squireship want?
Squire: A drink, of course. And hurry up, weve been waiting half an hour! Ale for everybody.
Mrs S: What everybody? (points to audience) Including all that lot?
Squire: No, not them Mrs Squawkins. Theyre not here to enjoy themselves, theyre here to watch us.
Mrs S: Oh, the poor things. Ill have to do something about that. (to audience) Hello everybody! Im called Mrs Squawkins but
my friends call me Polly.
Squire: Because she chatters like a parrot.
Mrs S: (gives Squire a dirty look) Now every time I come on, Ill say Hello everybody! and you say, Hello Pretty Polly. Got
that? Right now, lets try it. (ad lib as necessary) Now what was I doing?
Squire: Nothing! But you were supposed to be getting our drinks.
Mrs Squawkins quickly collects some drinks for the Squire and his party
Mrs S: (bringing drinks to table) Let me see (counts around table) thatll be 37 pennies.
Squire: (stands up and moves to Mrs S. Then, charmingly, smarmily)And one for yourself dear lady.
Mrs S: Oh, thank you, Squire. Then that makes it 217 guineas and 37 pennies exactly.
Squire: What! Put it all on the slate. Oh, and have you included the new Doctor? (gesturing to Liverish to join him) Liverish.
Come here and meet old dumpling features - er - I mean Pretty Polly Squawkins.
Liverish: (offering limp hand to Mrs S) Pleased to meet you Im sure.
Mrs S: (grabs his hand and shakes it violently) Welcome, Doctor (Liverish screams in agony).
Liverish: II must say Mrs Squawkins youve a strong hand shake.
Mrs S: Oh you poor thing! I hope I havent hurt you?
Liverish: No, I dont think so. The feelings just beginning to come back.
Mrs S: (ordering, like an old-fashioned matron) Well you must let me look after you, and do call me Polly!
Liverish: Oh my, you are forceful erPolly.
Squire: Come now Doctor, whatll you have to drink?
Liverish: Well, can I have a glass of water please?
Squire: Water! Water! No Doctor, have some of the hard stuff.
Liverish: Well, if you insist. Ill have a glass of ice.
Mrs S: Certainly Doctor, you just go and sit down and Ill get it for you.
EXIT Mrs S
Squire: Well Doctor, what made you come here to practise doctorin?
Liverish: Practise? Oh, I dont need to practise. Ive learnt to do it already.
Squire: Of course, yes. But this is a bit of an out-of the-way place for a rich, young, single man like yourself.
Liverish: Young well very kind Im sure. Single yes, that I am. But rich, no. In fact, really rather poor.
Squire: Really rather poor?
Liverish: (surprised and looking round) Well I never, theres an echo.
Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

Squire:
Grizelda:
Squire:
Grizelda:
Squire:
Grizelda:
Squire:
Gorgon:
Squire:
Gorgon:
Grizelda:
Squire:

(aside) No money! Drat and double drat! If he has no money then hes no use to me!
(going to Squire) Did I hear right Grizwald, my dear?
I expect so, elephant ears.
So he has no money? Now what are you going to do?
(calling out) Gorgonzola my sweat come here.
You mean sweet, Grizwald, not sweat.
I know what I mean.
(comes to Squire, stuffing her face then grumpily) Yea, what you want?
We have entered into a negative cash-flow scenario.
Weve done what?
(explaining) Were broke.
So we need to marry you off. As Liverish here has no money, youll have to marry Jack Squawkins. Then at least well
get control of his mothers inn.
Gorgon: What do I get for marrying im?
Grizelda: Apart from a thick ear if you dont, 20% of all we make.
Gorgon: 10%.
Squire: Done! Quick, sit down and act normal. (they sit back at table)
ENTER Mrs S, Jack and Daisy
Mrs S: Hello everybody etc. ....... Jack, Daisy get the drinks served.
Jack: Yes, Mum. (to Daisy) Come on, Daisy. If we get a move on, well be able to go for a walk ... alone.
Daisy: (dreamily) Oh Jack, that would be wonderful.
Mrs S: Jack, come here, youre stopping Daisy from working.
Jack: (To Mrs S) Coming! (To Daisy) See you later.
Jack goes to Mrs S
Mrs S: Now, dont you waste your time with that Daisy. Shes a penniless orphan with no prospects.
Jack: Well, I dont care about things like money and prospects.
Mrs S: Well, I do and so should you. (indicating Gorgonzola) You should be thinkin of better things, like the Squires daughter.
Jack: Better things! Gorgonzola! But shes horrible! Shes covered in spots, her hairs looks like its come out of a rabbit hutch,
she never stops eating and her breath smells.
Mrs S: Well, I grant you, shes not perfect but she is the Squires daughter which has to count for something. Now you go and
speak to her.
Jack: (reluctantly goes to her) Hello, Gorgon.
Gorgon: (doing her best sweet, coy smile) Why Jack! (Jack reels back at smell of her breath. Gorgonzola lunges for him) Come
here, you lovely boy and say Im yours.
Jack: (pulling back) What?!
Grizelda: Come Jack, surely my little lamb has everything a man could wish for.
Daisy: (aside) Well, big muscles and a hairy chest at least. (Calling out) Come on Jack, youre needed in the cellar.
Jack: Coming. (makes apologetic look at Gorgon. Then, to Daisy) Thanks, you saved me from a fate worse than death.
EXIT Jack and Daisy. ENTER Tibia Bones - immediate silence
Tibia: Arr. This be a omely place. (sees Mrs S) Why tas even got an old ships figurehead. (looks closely at Mrs S) Spot of
filler, good rub down and a lick of paint and shed be as good as new.
Mrs S: Do you mind? Youre not rubbing me down.
Tibia: Agh! Its alive!
Squire: Thats arguable. (stands to make introductions) This is Polly Squawkins, the Landlady.
Tibia: Then, tis rum Im after and be quick about it!
Mrs S: Anything to get away from you.
EXIT Mrs S
Grizelda: (to Tibia) And who might you be?
Tibia: Able-bodied seaman, Tibia Bones at your service Maam.
Liverish: And it looks like youve seen some action at sea, my man.
Tibia: What? (looking at his prosthetic limbs) Oh, all this, aye. All lost in the line of dooty.
Liverish: Well, it appears to have been quite some call of dooty er, duty.
Tibia: (explaining) Lost this here leg to a cannonball off the Spanish main.
Gorgon: Why didnt he eat the rest of you?
Grizelda: Not cannibal, stupid, cannonball.
Gorgon: Oh!
Tibia: Lost this here arm fighting the Don.
Gorgon: Don who?
Grizelda: No, the Don. The Spanish. Jughead!
Squire: And the eye?
Tibia: Sleeping.
Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

Liverish: Sleeping?
Tibia: Arr, Woke up and rubbed me eyes (waves hook about and laughs). They falls for that every time.
ENTER Mrs S
Mrs S: Hello everybody! etc. (looks at table) What a mess (picks up beer mat and turns to Tibia). Here, hold this a minute.
Tibia: (falls back, almost screaming) Agh! Tis the green spot! Tis Granites curse (staggers around and collapses, all start to
gather round. Tibia sits up) Thisll be the end of me! (he collapses again. All gather again. Tibia sits up again) Agh, Im
done for I tell e, done for! (falls back)
ENTER Jack and Daisy
Jack: (going to gathered group) Whats going on?
Mrs S: (indicating Tibia) Collapsed!
Jack: Oh, thats terrible!
Mrs S: Yes, he hadnt even paid for his rum.
Daisy: Get a Doctor, quick! (everybody starts running round shouting, Doctor Quick, Doctor Quick!Daisy stops them.) No,
not get a Doctor called Quick. I meant get any doctor but do it quickly. (they all do an Oh I see, Oh right, yea. Then
suddenly start running round again shoutingGet a doctor. All slowly stop and begin to look at Liverish, leaving
Liverish alone running and shouting. He eventually stops with a final).
Liverish: Get a Doctor (sees all looking at him) Oh I am one!
Squire: Well, get on with it. (Liverish gets out stethoscope. All huddle round).
Liverish: I think its woodworm.
Squire: Thats his wooden leg man, try the other end.
Liverish: Theres no blood is there? I cant stand blood, it makes me quite faint.
Mrs S: No, theres no blood.
Liverish: I think hes had it, wed better call him an ambulance.
Squire: OK. Tibia Bones - youre an ambulance. (all wait for a few seconds)
Mrs S: Doesnt seem to have done any good.
Liverish: He needs air. Ill just loosen his jacket. (finds map in Tibias pocket.) Hello, whats this? (stands up with Granites map).
Looks like a map. It is by George; its a Treasure Map!.
Squire:
A Treasure Map! (look at each other and smile)
Grizelda:

SONG 2
Squire: I claim that map on account of being the Squire and most important person here.
Mrs S: But its mine, on account of it being found in my inn.
Liverish: But its mine because I found it and finders keepers.
Grizelda: (aside) Gorgonzola, my precious, forget Jack, the doctors the man for you.
Gorgon: He is? Oh, yea, all right.
all gather round to look at map
Squire: This map must show the location of Captain Granites treasure.
Liverish: Granite?
Daisy: Yes, he was a lot harder than Flint but not as sharp.
Squire: (realising he has an opportunity to find out where the treasure is) Well, I suggest we all look for the treasure!
Mrs S: Good idea.
Liverish: Yes, I suppose Ill need some help.
Squire: Ill get my man servant to come as well.
Grizelda: Bodgejob's quite an expert in his field.
Liverish: Why do you keep him in a field?
Squire: What! No! Not that sort of field. Then its agreed! Were off to Treasure Island!
EXIT all, except Tibia
Tibia: (coming to) Oh my ead. Belay there theyve got me map. Ill keelhaul em. Ill cut em into pieces. Ill use em for fish
bait. (pause) But what if they recognise me coming? Arr, what I need is a cunning disguise. Think Tibia think. Arr, got it
(moves patch to good eye). There. Here who put the lights out cant see a blooming thing. (lifts patch) Thats better. Best
get after them before they gets too far. So, full sail and set yer course, Tibia me lad - for Treasure Island!
EXIT Tibia
Close Tabs

Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

ACT 1 - Scene 3

The Road to the Coast

The cast are on their way to the coast. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgonzola, Mrs Squawkins and Doctor Liverish
Mrs S: Hello everybody. (ad lib etc)
Liverish: Oh Im tired out! Surely, Squire we could have used your coach?
Mrs S: Quite right, Doctor. Why arent we using your coach Squire?
Gorgon: Cos were broke and cant..
Squire: (quickly putting hand over Gorgonzolas mouth) What my precious cherub is trying to say
Mrs S: (interrupting) Cherub! Cherub! More like a flying pig!
Liverish: More pig than fly if you ask me.
Grizelda: (Gorgon looks upset. Grizelda tries to rescue the situation) But you do find our little Gorgonzola interesting, Doctor?
Liverish: Oh yes! (Gorgon bucks up, immediately hopeful) Ive never seen so many different spots and pimples on one face in my
life.
Gorgon: (Gorgon slumps again) Wah! He said Im spotty.
Grizelda: Im sure the Doctor didnt mean what he said.
Mrs S: No, he was trying to be kind so he couldnt say what he meant.
Squire: Enough of this idle chatter. Lets get moving.
Liverish: It would be nicer by coach.
Mrs S: Yes it would. And what was Gorgon saying Cos were broke?
Squire: No, no, you misheard. (flustered, trying to think quickly) She didnt say Were broke, she said .. er Wheels broke.
Yes, thats it Wheels broke, I mean The wheels broken. I cant help her dreadful grammar. Anyway, walking will
be good training to get us fit for hunting the Treasure.
Liverish: Well I dont know if Ive got the energy.
Mrs S: Dont worry, Doctor you just get one of my snack-size pies in you (hands over massive pie) . Eat this and youll feel as fit
as a flea.
Liverish: (pointing at Gorgon and Grizelda) If I dont get away from them Ill get fleas.
Exit all. ENTER Bodgejob loaded down with knives, explosives, poison etc.
Bodgejob: (moaning) Oh, that Squire! Get your gear, Bodgejob! he say. Hurry up, Bodgejob! he says. I need you on this trip,
he says. Its all right for him, he dont have to carry everything.
ENTER Sammy who rubs up against Bodgejob
Clear off you mangy Moggy or Ill make a pair of slippers out of you. (Sammy retreats but stays within earshot) Just you
make sure you gets rid of Mrs Squawkins and Jack and Daisy so we dont have to share the treasure with em, he say.
An how I gets rid of em is up to me. Now, let me see. (he takes out a poison bottle) Poison, if Im feeling subtle ...
(takes out a stick of dynamite) and dynamite if Im not. (takes out appropriate props in turn) Could be a dagger, a
rope, a revolver, candlestick, lead piping, a spanner even! An I could get em in the Hall, the Dining room, or the
Kitchen No one will have a clue whodunit (laughs). Thinkin, carryin and now cats, tis no wonder I gets fed up.
EXIT Bodgejob grumbling. ENTER Jack and Daisy carrying cases and bags.
Daisy: Oh, Jack its not fair. Why do we always end up doing all the work?
Jack: I dont know, but at least were together, so its worth it.
Daisy: (half-joking) Best not tell your mother though. (wistfully) Do you think well ever get married, Jack? Your mother wants
you to marry Gorgonzola.
Jack: I know, but have no fear darling; youre the only one for me.

SONG 3 Jack & Daisy


Daisy:
Jack:
Sammy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Sammy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Sammy:
Daisy:
Sammy:
Daisy:
Sammy:
Jack:
Sammy:
Daisy:
Sammy:

Oh, Jack if only I knew who my real parents were instead of just being handed over to your mother to look after.
Im sure well find out one day, darling.
(wandering over) Say there, Shipmates, let me introduce myself. Sammy Seacat at your service.
A Cat!
Talking!
Of course Im talking. Im a Pantomime Cat, and Pantomime Cats always talk.
Pleased to meet you er... Sammy. You just took us by surprise.
Yes, weve never heard a cat talk before.
What, have you never heard the tale of Dick Whittington?
No.
Oh, Dick and I had a rare old time, me rat-catching and him becoming Lord Mayor of London and so forth.
Really?
Oh, yes, and Ive got eight more stories like that.
You dont mean
Yep. Im a cat of nine tales.
(laughing) Oh, Sammy you are funny.
Now you must be Jack and Daisy.
Roger Morrish 1995
4
Treasure Island

Jack: How do you know?


Sammy: Simple, the bloke in front was muttering about how he had to get rid of you two and a Mrs Squawkins.
Daisy: But.
Jack: So thats the Squires evil plan is it?
Daisy: What are we going to do?
Jack: (thinking, then confidently) Carry on as if we dont know. But be on our guard.
Sammy: Ill come with you and spy out the land so to speak.
Jack: Then lets get going or well never get to Treasure Island.
EXIT Jack, Daisy and Sammy. ENTER Tibia Bones, parrot on shoulder and false arm in lieu of hook.
Tibia: Ha Ha Tibia my boy, what a cunning disguise! Parrot and false arm. Nobody'll recognise you now.
ENTER Chorus 1 from other side and crosses stage
Chorus 1: Hi Tibia, like the parrot. (EXIT Chorus 1).
Tibia: (twitching parrot shoulder) Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight. Well maybe they wont recognise me if I pretend to be me
own twin brother. Arr thats it, meet Fibia Bones! Now set sail Tibia or should I say Fibia - or youll never catch em
up.
EXIT Tibia

ACT 1 - Scene 4

The Quay

Saucy Sal alongside quay with a sign Trips around the bay. Chorus+ Norman and Ethel? sing & dance

SONG 4 - Chorus
At end of song, break off into groups - chatter and promenade
Norman: Roll up, Roll up, trips around the bay, only 10 pennies a head! (chorus shake heads) Oh why do I bother?
Ethel: Oh, Norman weve been offering trips around the bay for weeks now and no-one has ever wanted to go. Do you think
weve got the right port?
Norman: No, Ethel. At sea, Port is always the left not the right.
Ethel: I see. So if I said Do you think weve got the left port? that would be right?
Norman: Well, it would be right if the port was left but if it was right it would be wrong.
Ethel: But how can it be wrong if its right?
Norman: Cos Ports left and thats right!
Ethel: But if we havent left port is it right?
Norman: If the Ports on the left then its right.
Ethel: So do you think weve come to the right port?
Norman: Well, we have if we havent left.
ENTER Squire, Mrs S, Liverish, Grizelda and Gorgonzola
Mrs S: Hello everybody etc (ad lib) Here we are at last. Now all we need is to hire a trim craft and were away.
Liverish: When you say Hire can I ask whos paying for it?
Squire: Good question.
Grizelda: How about Mrs Squawkins?
Mrs S: Bad answer.
Squire: I would if I could, but in the rush I forgot to pick up any cash.
Mrs S: The only cash you ever pick up is somebody elses.
Liverish: And I dont have any money.
Mrs S: We could offer them a small cut of the Treasure.
Squire: Agreed.
Grizelda: But thatll mean less for us.
Squire: (aside to Grizelda) But by the time Bodgejob's done his work they wont be here to get a cut. (both laugh)
Gorgon: Theres a boat over there. (points to Saucy Sal)
Grizelda: It looks a bit small.
Liverish: I hope it wont bob about too much.
Gorgon: Dont worry, Doctor. Ill hold you tight.
Liverish: Id rather cuddle an orang-utan.
Gorgon: No I havent.
Liverish: What?
Gorgon: Got an Orange Tan.
Liverish: Oh, give me strength.
Mrs S: You just try a couple of my rock buns while I see if we can find the owner. (to Norman) Excuse me, my man.
Norman: What can I do for you my good gentle woman?
Mrs S: Well you can say that again for a start.
Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

Norman: (not really understanding the request but wanting to oblige and saying it exactly as he just did )What can I do for you
my good gentle woman?
Mrs S: Were looking for the owner of the boat.
Norman: (looking at Ethel with a thumbs up) Ah. (pointing at his sign) Youll be wanting a trip round the bay.
Liverish: Er, no. We want to hire it to go Treasure Hunting.
Norman: (another thumbs up look at Ethel) Then look no further. Norman Newman, owner of the Saucy Sal at your service. And
who pray might you be?
Squire: My card.
Norman: (reading) Squire Dunno.
Squire: Its De Neau.
Norman: I said Dunno.
Squire: No, its pronounced De Neau, not Dunno.
Mrs S: Oh, I think Dunno is more accurate.
Grizelda: So youre the Captain?
Norman: That I am. And I have a useful crew to help me out.
Squire: A crew?
Mrs S: I expect theyre big swarthy seamen with skin like bronze and arms that could hold a girl in a grip of iron.
Norman: Well, not exactly.
Squire: Well, where are they?.
Norman: Well, (pointing at Ethel) shes there.
Mrs S: Please dont tell me she is the crew.
Norman: Alright. I wont.
Squire: Are you sure youre a real captain?
Ethel: Here, you sayin my Normans artificial?
Grizelda: Far be it for us to think such a thing.
Ethel: Well, thats alright then. (sidles over to Norman) Cos my Norman's a real hunk, arent you Norman?
Norman: Yea. Right wed best prepare the ship for sea. Come on Ethel, lets step lively.
EXIT Norman & Ethel skipping. Enter Bodgejob
Squire: (pulling Bodgejob aside). About time too, I dont pay you to loaf about.
Bodgejob: You dont pay me at all.
Squire: But do this job right and I will. So get on with it.
Grizelda: (as if making an announcement) Gorgonzola and I are going aboard ship to get a rest. My poor little lambs quite worn
out.
Gorgon: Yea, my feet are killing me.
Mrs S: If only they would.
Squire: I shall come with you my sweet.
EXIT Squire, Grizelda and Gorgonzola to ship
Bodgejob: (looking upwards) Umm, that crane gives me an idea.
ENTER Jack, Daisy & Sammy. EXIT Bodgejob - Sammy follows
Jack: Here at last.
Mrs S: And about time too. What have you two been playing at?
Daisy: Nothing. These bags are so heavy I think you must have packed everything but the kitchen sink.
Mrs S: Oh, no I havent )
Daisy: Oh, yes you have ) ad lib
Mrs S: No I havent. I packed everything including the kitchen sink. Im not washing my pots and pans in somebody elses
sink.
ENTER Bodgejob - chalks cross on floor and chuckles. ENTER Sammy - rushes to Jack while Daisy talks with Mrs S
Sammy: Bodgejob's made a mark on the ground over there right beneath the crane and hes going to get Mrs Squawkins to stand
there. Then when he shouts READY, the crane driver drops the load and Splatz! no more Mrs Squawkins.
Jack: So thats his plan is it. Well see about that. (to Daisy) Daisy get Bodgejob to go and stand on that mark hes made over
there (pointing).
Daisy: (looking on the ground) Oh bother! Bodgejob, could you come and help me? I seem to have lost an earring..
Bodgejob: Of course, Daisy, anything for you. (Bodgejob moves to position)
Daisy: Oh, Ive found it al - (then loudly) READY!
Bodgejob: What? (looking up and realising too late what has happened) No!
At ready, sack falls on Bodgejob who falls over
Mrs S: Oh dear, whats happened? Doctor, quick help.
Jack: Brilliant, Daisy.
Sammy: Excellent! Round one to us.
Liverish: Another body ah....I feel faint.
Mrs S: Well you just lean on me Doctor. Ill look after you (grabs Doctor to herself). Here have a bun.
ENTER Squire
Roger Morrish 1995
6
Treasure Island

Squire: Sleeping again eh, Bodgejob? Come on, get up (Bodgejob gets up and staggers around). Been drinking again by the
look of it. Now get your things on board, weve got plans to make.
EXIT Squire and Bodgejob to ship followed by Jack, Daisy and Sammy. ENTER Tibia Bones
Tibia: Arr! Made it in the nick of time.
Norman: Who are you?
Tibia: Tibia.... er that is Fibia Bones at your service.
Mrs S: Here arent you the sailor that collapsed in my inn?
Tibia: Me! No not me.
Liverish: You look like him but he had a hook. Sorry if we appear rude. (holds out hand)
Tibia: (responds with false arm) Accepted Im sure. (they shake hands and Liverish is left holding false arm). Got to hand it to
you Doctor, youve got a strong handshake.
Ethel: I hope he hasnt armed you.
Mrs S: He looks quite armless.
Liverish: I wonder if hes got anything else up his sleeve.
Mrs S: If he has hell need a hand to get it out.
Liverish: Then perhaps he could use this one (waves false arm).
Tibia: Id be pleased if youd just hand it back.
Norman: Who did you say you were?
Tibia: Er....Fibia Bones Sir, identical twin brother of the late Tibia Bones.
Norman: Looking for a job are you?
Tibia: Half able-bodied seaman Bones at your service, Sir.
Norman: Good. (grandly) Well, due to an expansion to our previously advertised operations, I do have a temporary, zero-hours,
part-time job on the Saucy Sal - if youd like it.
Tibia: Ill take it.
Norman: Lets shake on it (Tibia offers armless sleeve then other arm).(Announcing) Right, everybody on board. (EXIT Mrs S,
Liverish and Tibia Bones to ship). (To Ethel) Right, lets get the ship to sea, mate.
Ethel: Am I your best mate, Norman?
Norman:. Well, your my first mate, Ethel.
Ethel: Your first and best mate, Norman?
Norman: Of course, Ethel. Now, lets get this ship to sea!
Ethel: Yes, sir!.
Norman: No, its Aye, Aye, Ethel.
Ethel: Whats wrong with my eye, Norman?
Norman: Nothing, Ethel. Its what you say at sea.
Ethel: I see. (pause) Oh, you sound so Captainish, Norman.
Norman: Well thats only to be expected, Ethel, cos I am the captain. (to ship in commanding voice) Right, untie the bits of string
at both ends, splice your main braces.
Ethel: But Norman, you got a belt, you dont need braces.
Norman: (to ship) Avast and belay, luff your sails, set your ratlines, hoist the crows nest, start the wind.
Ethel: Oh, Norman. Youre so commanding, you make a girls toes curl!
Norman: Do I Ethel?
Ethel: Yea, youre wonderful Norman. I could follow you to the ends of the earth.

SONG 5 Norman & Ethel


Ethel: Only one thing Norman.
Norman: Yes Ethel.
Ethel: Well, if youre the Captain and Im the Mate, shouldnt we be on board the ship Norman? (pause whilst Norman thinks,
then scream of horror)
Norman: Agh! stop the ship, undo your vests, reverse the wind, er..... come on Ethel. Run!
EXIT Norman and Ethel after ship with Chorus waving and laughing
Close tabs.

ACT 1 - Scene 5

At Sea

ENTER Tibia Bones with brush and Tar Pot - singing


Tibia: Ten green bottles all full of rum,
Ten green bottles all full of rum,
and if one green bottle, should end up in my Tum,
Thered be nine green bottles, all full of rum.
Nine green bottles all etc........
ENTER Gorgonzola
Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

Gorgon: Cooeeeeeee Mr Bones!


Tibia: Oh, Miss Dunno.
Gorgon: Just call me Gorgon.
Tibia: Well, I dunno but if youre sure. Oh, Gorgon, the smell of your breath makes my hair curl.
Gorgon: Oh Fibia, you say the loveliest of things and the way you pick your teeth with your hook
Tibia: Oh, Gorgon.
Gorgon: Oh, Fibia. Here, lets have a drink (picks up tar pot and drinks). Oh, Fibia you make a lovely cup of tea. See you later.
EXIT Gorgonzola
Tibia: Rot me sea boots, I think she likes me.
ENTER Bodgejob
Bodgejob: You there, come over here.
Tibia: What do you want?
Bodgejob: The Squire wants a word with you. (calling off stage) Ive got im boss!
ENTER Squire furtively
Squire: Well done, Bodgejob. (to Tibia) Now Mr Bones, how would you like to earn some money?
Tibia: How much?
Squire: Lets say 5% of the treasure if we find it.
Tibia: 5%. That doesnt sound very much.
Squire: But if we dont find it you wont lose as much.
Tibia: True, True. What it is to be clever!
ENTER Sammy - unseen by others
Squire: Now listen carefully, Ill only say this once.
Tibia: Why?
Bodgejob: Short memory.
Squire: Now, here is the cunning plan. Fibia, you saw through the rails by the gangway on the quarter deck. Then, when youre
ready, Bodgejob will get Jack to lean over the side and then - splash - no more Jack Squawkins (all three laugh).
Sammy: Id better tell Jack and Daisy.
EXIT Sammy
Squire: Right men action. Operation bye bye Jack.
Tibia:
Operation bye bye Jack. (all laugh again)
Bodgejob:
Fibia saws through rails. EXIT Squire and Tibia
Bodgejob: Ha ha, with Jack out of the way, Ill have a chance with Daisy, and here she comes now.
ENTER Daisy
Daisy: Good morning, Bodgejob.
Bodgejob: Oh, yes, a very, very good morning, I hope.
Daisy: (walking to side of the ship and looking over) Oh, it is lovely isnt it? The sun sparkling on the sea and the dolphins
dancing in the waves.
Bodgejob: Dolphins? Are you sure?
Daisy: Oh, yes. Quickly, do come and see them before they dive under again!
Bodgejob: (goes over to side and looks over a little way). I cant see no dolphins!
Daisy: (encouraging) Oh, you may have to lean out a little more.
Bodgejob: (he leans over, railings give way and he falls off ship) Aaagh! (splash sound effect)
ENTER Jack and Sammy
Daisy: Oh, dear, poor Bodgejob.
Jack: He seems to have fallen for his own plan.
Sammy: That reminds me, did I ever tell you about my cousin who fell down a well.
Daisy: Not now, Sammy.
Sammy: Eh? Have you heard it?
Daisy: No, its not that. Look! (points off stage)
Sammy: What is it?
Jack: Its land! Land! Its Treasure Island!
EXIT all
BLACK OUT

Roger Morrish 1995

Treasure Island

ACT 1 - Scene 6

Treasure Island
SONG 6 - Pirates

Pirates sing and dance - at end they bring on large picnic basket
Red Ruth: Time for a bit o grub, eh Captain?
C. Dogg: Aye, all this pirating is hard and thirsty work.
Pirate Salty: Here we are Captain. Salt beef, salt biscuits, salt cod and (producing small salt cellar) some salt.
C. Dogg: Right, thanks, er (forgetting name) ...er
Pirate Salty: Salty, Captain.
C. Dogg: Of course! Thankee Salty you old ... salt.
Pirate 2: (to Pirate 3) Here, no disrespect to Salty and his lovely grub but, if you could have any food yer liked, whatd it be?
Pirate 3: (making Pirate Arr sound as appropriate) My favourite would have to be MARmite.
Red Ruth: (joining in) Mine would be mARmalade .
Pirate 4: Well, I likes a good roulARde meself. Made with pARsley!
Cheers and laughs from Pirates each time
Pirate 5: (pointing off stage) Strangers off the starboard beam.
C. Dogg: Strangers? But this islands uninhabited.
Red Ruth: (looking through telescope). Looks like Treasure Hunters to me.
C. Dogg: (taking telescope). Arr. Right me hearties, lets see what theyre up to.
EXIT Pirates with picnic basket. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Mrs S, Liverish, Norman & Ethel
Mrs S: Hello everybody etc.........
Squire: Well this certainly looks like the sort of island that would have hidden treasure on it.
Liverish: Lets rest here, Im quite puffed.
Mrs S: Quite right Doctor, we cant have you overdoing it. Now let me see what Ive got (takes pie out of leg of bloomers).
There, a nice pie, thatll soon build up your strength.
Squire: Well Captain, what do you think?
Ethel: Go on Norman - tell him what you think.
Mrs S: Well that wont take long.
Ethel: My Normans good at thinkin my Norman is.
Norman: Yea, Im thinkin, Why do they call em hamburgers when theres no ham in em?
Ethel: See, I bet none of you thought that. Oh! you are clever Norman.
Norman: Yea, I know. Would you like me to think of something else?
Mrs S: No, thank you. I dont think we can take all the excitement.
Liverish: What the Squire meant was, do you think this would be a good place to pitch camp?
Grizelda: But what about fortifications against wild animals or posting guards in case we get attacked?
Norman: Camperforty thingserguards?
Ethel: Thats a lot to think about Norman. You just come and sit by me. We cant have you over thinkin.
Mrs S: Not much danger of that happening.
Squire: (to Mrs S) We could always leave you on guard. One look at you and anything would run away.
Mrs S: Oh, how rude. Are you trying to say Im ugly?
Squire: No, I am saying it.
Mrs S: I shant stay here and be insulted.
Squire: Then go somewhere else and let them insult you.
Liverish: Steady on, I mean were all in the same boat.
Norman: No, no, were not in a boat were on an island.
Ethel: See, my Normans bright my Norman is.
Mrs S: So's a hundred watt lamp but at least you can switch that off.
ENTER Gorgon, Tibia, Bodgejob followed by Jack and Daisy (carrying everything) and Sammy
Liverish: If you want someone to frighten things away how about Gorgon?
Mrs S: We only want to scare them away, not frighten them to death.
Grizelda: You calling my sweetie pie ugly?
Tibia: Who dares do that? Why Ill cut their hearts out(wipes sleeve across face and stops at cuff) Oh. Ah, um a wah-----Liverish: Do you think the suns too much for him.
Jack: No. Hes got his cuff button stuck up his nose (catches hold of Tibias arm and pulls)
Tibia: Ouch! Oh that hurt. Now Ill cut their hearts out.
Squire: Lets not get angry. Jack, Daisy, Bodgejob make the tea. (to Gorgon, having pulled her to one side). Youre supposed to
be chatting up the Doctor, not the one armed bandit.
Gorgon: All right. (to Liverish) Come on Doc. lets kiss and make up.
Liverish: Kiss and make up. I dont care how much make up you use, theres no way Im kissing you! .
Mrs S: (grabbing Jacks arm and nodding in the direction of Gorgonzola) Jack, quick go after your beloved.
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Treasure Island

Jack: (misunderstanding and pleasantly surprised) OK. Daisy, lets go for a walk.
Mrs S: (grabs Jack who is moving away) No, no! Gorgonzola you stupid boy, not Daisy.
Seagull swoops up and down over Squires head
Squire:
Mrs S:
Squire:
Mrs S:
Liverish:
Squire:
Bodgejob:
Squire:
Bodgejob:
Mrs S:
Bodgejob:
Jack:
Mrs S:
Bodgejob:
Mrs S:
Bodgejob:

Clear off you stupid Seagull.


Duck.
(looking up) Duck? No its a (gull drops message on Squires face) Seagull .
Never mind Squire, they say its a sign of good luck.
Yes, lucky it didnt land on us.
(to Bodgejob) What are you standing around laughing for? Havent you got special work to be getting on with?
Oh, yes. Something subtle this time, Squire. (he winks and then conspiratorially) Poison in the tea.
Good. Well, get on with it then!
(fills tea cup with poison) Would you like a cup of tea Mrs Squawkins? (Sammy runs and whispers to Jack)
Oh, thank you. Im dying for a cuppa.
(aside) Oh, youll be dying alright.
(stopping her drinking) Mother, why dont you pass round your special curry biscuits?
Oh yes, how thoughtless of me. Here, Bodgejob have a biscuit.
Ta (takes one and eats then starts to gasp). Agh! Im on fire, a drink, quick give me a drink.
Here have this. (passes him her cup of tea)
(drinks tea) Thats better! Oh, youve saved my life! (looks at cup - sudden realisation). Oh, no, why does it always
happen to me? (falls over)
Squire: Sleeping again, Bodgejob? Ive a good mind not to pay you the wages I wasnt going to pay you anyway.
Daisy: Jack, were not alone. Pirates (points off stage) (Jack runs to Daisy as ENTER Pirates)
Grizelda: (clutching Gorgon) Save us! Save us! (Squire hides behind both of them. Liverish stands in front of Mrs S)
Liverish: Ill protect you.
Mrs S: Oh, Doctor, youre so.....manly!
Ethel: Norman, will they make us walk the plank, Norman?
Norman: They might, but that shouldnt be too bad as were on land.
C. Dogg: Well, well, what have we here?
Red Ruth: A very motley crew if you ask me Cap'n.
Mrs S: Well, nobody is asking you.
C. Dogg: Silence you scurvy landlubbers!
Ethel: Whats a landlubber, Norman?
Norman: Its a lubber what lives on land, Ethel.
Ethel: Oh, you are clever, Norman.
Red Ruth: Quiet or it will be the worst for you.
C. Dogg: What are you doing here?
Mrs S: Weve come for a picnic.
Liverish: Yes, were on a package holiday, sailaway cruises and all that.
Squire: Yes, and were very poor, with no money.
Mrs S: So well be moving on. Good-bye.
All start to EXIT saying bye and waving. Pirates instinctively wave back then realise whats happening
C Dogg: Hey, wait a minute no! Halt! Come back here.
Red Ruth: Where do you think youre going?
Daisy: Well, we thought wed go back to the beach, have a swim, picnic, maybe play rounders
C Dogg: Silence. Now which one of you has the map?
All: (mutter) Map? - What map? - never seen a map etc.......
Red Ruth: We know one of you has got a map.
Mrs S: Oh, no we havent ) ad lib.
Red Ruth: Oh, yes you have )
Red Ruth swaps to Oh no you havent!
Mrs S: Oh, yes we have!
C Dogg: Aha! I knew it! Now hand it over quick! (the main characters form a group and pass the map between them as Pirates
try to grab it. C. Dogg eventually realises he only has to stand in the group and the map is mistakenly passed to him) I
have it! Now then me hearties, tie these buffoons up.

SONG 7 Principals

By end of song, all the party are tied up


C. Dogg: Good, now lets find this treasure, after weve all had a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Red Ruth: Wed better go quick or (points to audience) theyll get there before us and well have to queue up.
Pirate Salty: Then lets get moving.
EXIT all
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Treasure Island

Close Tabs

ACT 2 - Scene 1

In Search of Treasure
SONG 8 - Pirates

Sammy tags along


C. Dogg: Come on now, lets keep looking. The treasure must be near here.
Red Ruth: I cant wait to get my hands on Granites gold.
C. Dogg: I know, just think of what well be able to do.
Pirate 1: Holidays perhaps.
Pirate 2: An where would you go?.
Pirate 3: (thinks, then) ARgentina. (laughter from all)
Pirate 4: Or MARgate!
Pirate 5: Or BARcelona!.
C. Dogg: Enough of that now. According to this map, the treasure should be in that cave yonder. So dont just stand about.
Forward.
EXIT Pirates
Sammy: Id better get back and tell the others. Hello, whats this lot coming.
ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon, Tibia and Bodgejob
Squire: Its lucky for us we managed to escape.
Grizelda: Yes, and lose the others.
Tibia: But we ain't got the map.
Squire: We dont need it. We just follow the pirates, let them do all the work, then we ambush them and take the treasure.
Gorgon: Oh, you are clever, Daddy.
Grizelda: But what if the others should follow us?
Tibia: Yea, theyll want a share of the loot.
Squire: Have no fear, Bodgejob here will see to them.
Bodgejob: Yea, as Im not feeling especially subtle no more, Ill blow em to pieces if they try to follow.
Gorgon: Especially that awful Jack Squawkins.
Tibia: Arr, and that there Doctor Liverish!
Squire: Then lets press on. Bodgejob, you see to your business then catch us up.
Bodgejob: Oh, Ill see to the business alright dont you fret. No more Mister Niceguy.
EXIT all except Bodgejob and Sammy. Bodgejob places dynamite close to flash unit and runs cord to edge of stage
where he waits with plunger. ENTER Liverish, Mrs S, Norman and Ethel, followed by Jack and Daisy carrying shovels
Mrs S: Hello everybody (ad lib etc).
Liverish: Its a good job I made a copy of the map in case we lost the original.
Mrs S: Yes and weve managed to lose the others.
Norman: As long as we can find our way back to the ship well be alright.
Sammy: Jack, weve got to do something quick. Bodgejob's hidden some dynamite by the trail over there (points to dynamite)
and when we walk past, Boom! - no more us.
Jack: I know just what to do. Daisy, you distract Bodgejob whilst I fix the dynamite.
Daisy: Oh, be careful Jack.
Jack: Dont worry Daisy. Just make Bodgejob look the other way. Boy wont he be surprised. (Daisy distracts Bodegjob while
Jack fixes the dynamite. Ethel and Norman begin speaking while this is happening)
Ethel: Are we near the spot Norman?
Norman: (holding map) I think so Ethel.
Ethel: Then thats alright Norman cos youre good at thinkin.
Norman: I know Ethel, do you know I was just thinkin.........
Mrs S: Oh, for crying out loud get on with it!
Norman: Dont rush me. Im the Captain. Now let me see (he starts directing Jack and Daisy off stage and down amongst the
audience until finally Jack and Daisy march back on stage).
Jack: (looking at map) Just as I thought youve got the map upside-down.
Norman: No I havent.
Ethel: No, see, the island must be the wrong way round.
Mrs S: Where did these two come from?.
Liverish: I think they came as booby prizes in the Church Bazaar.
Mrs S: Bizarre! Theyre out of this world.
Ethel: Here, Norman, they think were aliens.
Daisy: Come on, or the Pirates will get there before us!
Jack: Then well never get the treasure. Doctor you take the map and lead.
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Treasure Island

Liverish: Right. (takes map from Norman) Let me see, Ah yes, this way.
As they pass dynamite Bodgejob pushes plunger but nothing happens. EXIT Mrs S, Liverish, Norman and Ethel
Jack: Thanks for the warning Sammy. I think Bodgejob's in for a surprise.
Sammy: Yea, old blunderbod will soon be seeing stars. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you about my Uncle who
Daisy: Not now, Sammy.
Sammy: Eh?
Jack: Come on you two or well lose the others.
EXIT Jack, Daisy and Sammy
Bodgejob: (moves to dynamite muttering) Cant understand, its never failed before. (flash - scream from Bodgejob) Agh! Dirty
rotten explosives, I might have been dieded.
EXIT Bodgejob

ACT 2 - Scene 2

The Cave

SONG 9 (UV dance)


U.V. - Spiders or similar dance. At end ENTER Norman and Ethel
Ethel: Oh, Norman do you think weve come the right way?
Norman: Well, if we have, then the others must have gone the wrong way.
Ethel: But if theyve gone the right way, then weve come the wrong way, Norman.
Norman: I think you could be right, Ethel.
Ethel: Then itll all go wrong, Norman.
Norman: No, Im sure itll be all right, Ethel. You see, I can smell peppermints.
Ethel: Peppermints, Norman?
Norman: Yea, I left some back on board the ship. Ive a nose for peppermints, Ethel.
Ethel: But what if somebody found em Norman.
Norman: No, I hid em in a pair of my old socks Ethel.
Ethel: Oh good. Nobody would be brave enough to look there Norman.
Norman: (sniffing the air) Come on Ethel, this way.
EXIT Norman and Ethel through audience. ENTER Liverish and Mrs S
Mrs S: Hello everybody. (ad lib etc)
Liverish: The treasure must be about here somewhere.
Mrs S: I dont like it in here - its all dark and spokey.
Liverish: You mean spooky. Spokey's what you get with a bicycle wheel.
Mrs S: Well I dont care as long as there arent any spiders.
Liverish: Spiders! Oh dear, I cant stand spiders.
Mrs S: (to audience) You will tell us if there are any spiders about wont you.
Ad lib Spider routine. At end Mrs S screams and hugs Doctor
Liverish: Its alright youve frightened it away.
Mrs S: Are you trying to say something?
Liverish: Its a brave man who would try.
Mrs S: Hush listen, someones coming. Quick hide. (both hide)
ENTER Jack and Daisy
Daisy: Oh Jack, Im sure I heard noises coming from this direction.
Jack: Dont worry, Daisy. Ill protect you.
Daisy: Youre so brave Jack, but what if the Pirates should catch us?
Jack: Trust me. Well be safe. Do you love me Daisy?
Daisy: Of course I do Jack.
Jack and Daisy about to kiss but stopped by noise
Daisy: Jack what was that noise?
Jack: What noise?
Daisy: From over there (points to where Liverish and Mrs S are hiding). Sounded like a gigantic spider.
Jack: Whatever it was, Ill protect you. (approaches the hiding group)
Liverish and Mrs S come out of hiding
Liverish: Its OK. That noise was your mothers stomach rumbling. She hasnt eaten for hours.
Mrs S: Cheeky. It was nothing of the sort. It was the creaky lid of that old box I was sitting on.
Jack: Old box! (rushes to side of stage and pulls out treasure chest). Its the treasure, Im sure of it!
Liverish: It looks like a sea chest, thats for sure.
Sammy rushes in with finger to his lips and points back the way hes come
Daisy: Sammy's trying to tell us something.
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Treasure Island

Liverish: Quiet. Youre right. I hear footsteps along the tunnel. Mrs Squawkins, you sit on the chest. Jack you take one side of the
tunnel and Ill take the other (each take a shovel). When weve knocked them out you and Daisy can tie them up.
All go to position as ENTER Pirates. At end all are tied up
Jack: Terrific, now lets get out of here and back to the ship.
Mrs S: But which ways out?
Liverish: Back the way we came.
Mrs S: But which way was that?
Jack: We could go the way the pirates came.
Daisy: Yes lets, at least well be out of here.
Jack: Right. Daisy you lead the way, then Mum and the Doctor and I will bring the chest. Come on Sammy.
EXIT all. Re-ENTER all, walking backwards followed by Squire, Grizelda, Gorgonzola, Tibia and Bodgejob
Squire: Well, what have we here?
Grizelda: Looks like theyve got rid of the Pirates for us.
Tibia: (grabs Daisy) Just and over the chest or Ill cut her throat.
Jack: Let Daisy go or itll be the worse for you!
Liverish: Steady Jack. I dont think were in any position to argue. (they hand over the chest)
Tibia: Very wise, very wise.
Squire: Bodgejob, Gorgonzola you tie them up. Grizelda you help Tibia with the chest. (Squire takes Daisy and shes tied up
with the rest. Sammy runs and hides. Tibia tries unsuccessfully to open the chest). Right, theres no time to open the
chest now. The tides turning and we need to get off this island fast. Bodgejob, help Grizelda with the chest. Gorgonzola,
you go with them. Tibia you stay on guard, and when were ready Ill send Bodgejob to get you.
EXIT Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob with chest
Tibia: How do I know you wont just leave me here?
Squire: If I do then I promise Ill give you an extra 10% of the treasure.
Tibia: Done.
Squire: You have been - er - I mean good.
EXIT Squire. ENTER Gorgon from another entrance
Gorgon: Hello, Fibbsy.
Tibia: Hello, Gorgon, what are you doing here?
Gorgon: I thought Id keep you company.
Mrs S: Oh, please dont. He smells bad enough on his own but the two of you is more than flesh can bear.
Tibia: Shut up or Ill let the spiders get you.
Gorgon: Spiders! I hate spiders. Oh save me, Fibbs!. Take me away from here.
Tibia: Alright my little deadly nightshade, follow me.
EXIT Tibia and Gorgon through different tunnel
Jack: Thank goodness theyre gone. (ENTER Sammy) Sammy we need you to chew through these ropes as quick as you can.
Sammy: Right you are. (Sammy chews through ropes)
Daisy: Oh, Sammy youre wonderful! (kisses Sammy)
Sammy: Oh shucks. Im all embarrassed.
Liverish: After eating Mrs Squawkins pies. I feel as fit as a fiddle and I think its about time we taught the Squire a lesson.
Mrs S: Oh, Doctor youre fantastic!
Liverish: I know but modesty forbids me to say it.
Jack: Come on Daisy, we must get after the Squire.
Mrs S: Yes, come on everybody.
EXIT all. ENTER Tibia and Gorgon
Tibia: I was sure that was the way out.
Gorgon: Oh dear, look Fibbykins. Theyve got away!
Tibia: Never mind, we may have lost them but weve still got each other my little vulture.
Gorgon: Thats true. Ill go anywhere as long as Im with you.
Tibia: Even in a cave with gigantic spiders?
Gorgon: What I mean is anywhere else!
EXIT Tibia and Gorgon. A Pirate stirs and wakes his fellows who begin to cut through ropes
Close tabs

Roger Morrish 1995

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Treasure Island

ACT 2 - Scene 3

Somewhere on the Island

ENTER Squire, Grizelda and Bodgejob, pulling chest on wheels


Squire: Are you sure this is the way Bodgejob?
Grizelda: Hes never sure of anything.
Bodgejob: Thats not true. Im sure Im not sure this is the way.
Grizelda: Dont tell me were lost!
Bodgjob: Alright, then I wont.
Squire: This is getting us nowhere.
Grizelda: But we need to get somewhere and fast.
Squire: Well, we can, thanks to my brilliant wheeze of finding these wheels for the chest.
Bodgejob: It makes it easier to move but we still dont know where were going. And Im pooped with all this pulling.
Grizelda: Me too. Im exhausted.
Squire: Oh, very well but just a quick doze. We still have to catch the tide!
They fall asleep, propped up against each other. ENTER Pirates who quietly make off with the chest. As last one leaves
there is a sneeze Archoo, which wakes up the sleeping group
Squire: Quick! Get up, get up! The pirates have got the treasure!
EXIT Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob at a run. ENTER Mrs S, Jack, Daisy, Liverish and Sammy
Mrs S: Are you sure it was the Pirates you saw Jack?
Jack: Im afraid so.
Liverish: But we left them knocked out and tied up.
Jack: Well, theyve obviously got free and are chasing after the Squire and the treasure.
Mrs S: So what should we do?
Liverish: Jolly well get after them and get the treasure!
Daisy: Yes, come on everyone.
EXIT all at a run. ENTER pirates, pulling treasure
C Dogg: Quick me hearties, this way as fast as you can!
EXIT Pirates at a run. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob
Squire: Come on you slow-coaches. Weve got to catch them!
There is a loud commotion off stage. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob, pulling treasure and EXIT. Pirates
follow. EXIT Pirates shouting. After a pause ENTER Jack, Daisy, Mrs S, Liverish and Sammy
Liverish: Which way? Which way?
Daisy: This way, I think.
EXIT all at a run. There is a loud commotion off stage. ENTER Jack, Daisy, Mrs S, Liverish and Sammy, pulling treasure,
Mrs S riding the chest. EXIT all. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob followed by Pirates. There is more
commotion off stage. ENTER/EXIT Pirates pulling treasure. ENTER/EXIT Squire, Grizelda, Gogon and Bodgejob. ENTER
Jack, Daisy, Liverish and Sammy
Sammy: You know, this reminds me of Jack: Not now, Sammy.
EXIT all at a run. There is more commotion off stage. ENTER Squire, Grizelda, Gorgon and Bodgejob pulling treasure.
They all stop to catch their breath
Squire: I never thought Id say this Bodgejob but what a brilliant idea to lead the Pirates over that animal trap. Theyll be
stuck down their for days.
Grizelda: And once we lost that dreadful Jack and his awful mother in amongst those coconut trees, we got a good head start.
Squire: Yes, come on you lot. Weve still got time to catch the tide.
EXIT all. ENTER Jack, Daisy, Mrs S, Liverish and Sammy
Mrs S: Ooh, Im pooped. I need a sit down and have a nice cup of tea.
Jack: No time for that now. We still need to try and catch them up.
Mrs S: Oh, I dont know if I can go another step.
Daisy: Come on Mrs S, do your best.
Liverish: Havent you got one of your restorative pies hidden away?
Mrs S: Oh, good thinking, Doctor ... always so thoughtful. (She retrieves another huge pie from her skirts/ bag)
ENTER Norman and Ethel
Ethel: Here whats going on?
Mrs S: Never mind that, where have you two been?
Ethel: Well Norman could smell his peppermints.
Norman: Yea. (holds out old sock) Would you like one?
Mrs S: No thank you.
Ethel: Theyre alright if you wipe em off first.
Liverish: Im sure theyre delicious. Can you wiggle your tongue through the hole in the middle?
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Treasure Island

Norman: No. Theyre peppermints not car tyres.


Daisy: Look, Im sure the peppermints are lovely, but shouldnt we be getting away in case the Pirates come back?
Jack: And weve got to catch the Squire and get Granites treasure.
Norman: (calmly) But the Squires gone.
Ethel: Yea, when they couldnt find the Saucy Sal they made off in the Pirates ship.
Mrs S: Why couldnt they find the Saucy Sal?
Norman: Cos we had a slight accident.
Liverish: What!
Ethel: Well, Norman accidentally undid the string thing.
Norman: Yea, and we drifted off.
Ethel: But its alright, cos the tide washed us in again.
Norman: Only on the other side of the island.
Jack: Then the ships safe?
Ethel: Oh yea, but the Squire couldnt find it.
Liverish: Then we must make haste if were going to recapture the treasure.
Mrs S: Quite right. Lead on Norman at the double.
All EXIT except Sammy
Sammy: This reminds me of sailing away with the owl.
Jack: (off stage) Come on, Sammy!
EXIT Sammy. Enter Tibia and Gorgon
Gorgon: Oh Fibbsy my little Vampire bat.
Tibia: Yes, my little Cleopatra's asp.
Gorgon: Fibbsy! You havent got a lisp have you.
Tibia: Of course not my dainty little wart hog.
Gorgon: Thank goodness for that. But theyve left us behind! How are we going to get off the island?
Tibia: Simple, well tunnel our way back. Come on, theres a spade in the old stockade.
Gorgon: Oh my hero. Bless your rotting socks er.... sock.

Possible Song 10 Tibia & Gorgon


EXIT both

ACT 2 - Scene 4

The Quay

ENTER Squire, Grizelda and Bodgejob, pulling treasure


Squire: Right, Bodgejob. Now were back home, lets get this treasure chest open.
Grizelda: Ooh, goody, goody. Soon well be lovely and rich!
Bodgejob: And no Mrs S and her squealing brood to bother us. (all laugh)
Bodgejob produces huge crowbar and begins to attempt opening chest. He eventually succeeds. All gather round as he
reaches in
Squire: At last some lovely loot!
Bodgejob: Er, more like last years boots (holding up old boot).
Grizelda: What?! Wheres the gold and jewels and rings and dubloons?
Bodgejob: Dunno, but theyre not in here. This is more like a laundry basket (holds up pair of old knickers).
ENTER Police at the double
Sergeant: Squad Halt! (stops and all pile into each other) Right get in a straight line.

SONG 11 - Policemen
Sergeant: Hello, hello, hello, whats going on here?
Squire: Were just looking through this luggage. I think ours has been sent to the wrong port.
Sergeant: Well Sir, I have to inform you that you are under arrest for Pirating.
Grizelda: What?! Were not Pirates! Do we look like pirates?
Sergeant: A cunning disguise, I grant you. But you were spotted arriving in that ship over there (pointing). That is correct is it not?
Squire: Well, yes but
Sergeant: And the flag flying from the stern suggests that that is a Pirate ship!
Grizelda: Well thats easy to explain. You see, its not our ship.
Sergeant: So, you stole a ship, then?
Squire: Now, look here, sergeant. Have you any idea who I am?
Sergeant: Im beginning to form a reasonably good impression. So come along now, all of you.
EXIT all, bundled off by police, protesting innocence etc. ENTER Jack, Daisy, Mrs S, Liverish, Sammy, Norman and Ethel,
heckled by those arrested with Its all their fault, etc
Mrs S: Hello everybody (ad lib). I wonder whats going on there.
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Treasure Island

Liverish: Well, it looks like they got what they deserved!


Jack: And look, heres the treasure!
All rush to look in the chest
Daisy: Oh, but theres no treasure, only old clothes. (various cast lifting out various items)
Mrs S: Yes, no Dolce and Gabbana in there. Its a pity there was no treasure.
Liverish: Yes, thats odd. Tibia Bones seemed certain this was a treasure map (holds up paper).
Jack: (looking in the chest and retrieving another piece of paper) Wait a minute, whats this? (takes out letter and reads) To
whomsoever finds this chest know that I, Sir Banville Greville, also known as Captain Granite, had to escape from
pirates who had threatened me and my family. The wordly goods I possessed are safely buried and are I hope, in safe
keeping for my beautiful daughter whom I tragically had to leave behind me in my haste to escape. I hope she can forgive
me for this abandonment and I know that she will be in good hands with the kind and generous Mrs Squawkins.
Mrs S: What! That must be you, Daisy!
Liverish: Well, I never! That makes you the daughter of a Sir.
Daisy: Oh, goodness me!
Jack: Theres more, listen. (reading from the letter again)For those that know, the treasure can be found within the bounds of
the DPI.
Liverish: (to Daisy) And it sounds like you have a nice inheritance.
Mrs S: Yes, if we can find it. Did you say DPI, Jack? Whats that - the Department for Placing Infants?
Sammy takes paper from Liverish, goes to Jack gives him paper and whispers in his ear
Jack: (looking at paper) Hang on a minute. (puts pieces together. Hugs Sammy) Sammy youre a genius.
Sammy: I wouldnt say that, but if you want to who am I to stop you.
Mrs S: Well.
Liverish: Beyond me.
Jack: Dont you see? DPI. Dandelion and Privet Inn. Put the two pieces together and youve got a map of our back garden.
Liverish: But the Island?
Jack: No, thats the pond at the bottom and the compass is where the sundial is.
Liverish: And the cross?
Mrs S: Pee Wee!
Liverish: Pee Wee?
Mrs S: Yes Pee Wee. Its a statue of a little boy and hes..........
Jack: Lets just say its a sort of fountain. But look! See here where the patio is? Theres a cross on the middle flag stone.
Liverish: Then thats where the treasure must be!
Mrs S: And it all belongs to Daisy! Oh, I could sing.
Liverish: So could I.
Jack: Why dont we all sing, including them (points to audience).
Close tabs.

SONG 12 - Audience Participation


ENTER Norman and Ethel
Jack: And what have you two been up to?
Norman: Weve been making the ship fast.
Ethel: No we havent, Norman, weve been tying it up.
Norman: Thats making it fast, Ethel.
Ethel: No Norman, thats making it stop.
Norman: But you make ships fast when theyre stopped.
Ethel: But you cant be fast if youre stopped Norman. Thats more the ultimate in slowness.
Norman: No Ethel, Ive been making the ship FAST not making the ship fast.
Ethel: I dont think youre thinkin right Norman.
Liverish: Can we just stop this silly conversation?
Ethel: Its not a silly conversation.
Norman: No, its a silly argument.
Ethel: Well, only a little argument, Norman.
Norman: More a misunderstanding Ethel.
Ethel: Thats right Norman. You cant understand the difference between slow and fast.
Jack: Stop! Lets not go through that again.
Mrs S: Oh, please, please, please lets not!
Norman: Whats the rush?
Liverish: Weve got some treasure to dig up!
Jack: So, come along everybody, lets go and fetch some shovels and get digging!
EXIT all
Roger Morrish 1995

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Treasure Island

ACT 2 - Scene 5

Odd Down

ENTER Mrs S, Liverish, Jack and Daisy


Liverish: Well, how does it feel to be rich?
Mrs S: Its nice to know I wont be short of a penny I can tell you.
Liverish: Fancy Granites Treasure being right under our feet all the time.
Mrs S: And not realising the map was a map of our garden!
ENTER Norman and Ethel
Liverish: Talking of not realising whats what
Norman: scuse me Doctor, but can I ask you something?
Liverish: Fire away.
Norman: No, I dont want to shoot you, just ask a question.
Liverish: Then ask away!
Norman: How do I ask Ethel to marry me?
All except Norman and Ethel look pleased/ intrigued at this idea.
Liverish: First you need to get her in the right mood.
Norman: How?
Liverish: Well, say something nice and romantic to her like the sight of your face makes time stand still.
Norman: RighterEthel.
Ethel: (She comes over) Yes, Norman?
Norman: The sight of your face could stop a clock. (Ethel starts to cry, others look heavenward in dismay)
Norman: (to Liverish) It didnt work Doctor.
Liverish: Im not surprised. Lets try again. And remember it properly this time. Say to her, Your face reminds me of a sunrise
on a spring morning.
Norman: (repeating) Your face reminds me of a spring rising.
Liverish: No. Look, write it down. (Norman produces a bit of paper and pen, saying as he writes) Your face reminds me of a
sunrise on a spring morning.
Norman: (goes to Ethel) Ethel, your face reminds me of (looks at paper) A large cauliflower; 3 onions and 7 lbs of potatoes.
Ethel: Norman! How could you? (starts crying again, others again look heavenward)
Mrs S: (exasperated) Norman, just say Ethel will you marry me?
Norman: Why should Ethel marry you?
Mrs S: What? No! You say that to Ethel. Ethel, stop crying and listen to Norman.
Norman: Will you marry me, Ethel?
Ethel: Oh Norman, of course I will Norman.
Mrs S: See, simple.
Ethel: No, thats Simon hes Simple.
Liverish: Well at least theyre happy.
Mrs S: Yes, its wonderful to be in love.

SONG 13 Liverish & Mrs Squawkins


Liverish:
Mrs S:
Liverish:
Mrs S:
Liverish:
Mrs S:
Liverish:
Mrs S:
Daisy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Jack:
Daisy:
Jack:
Daisy:

Mrs Squawkins. No, Polly. Would you make me a very happy man?
Why Doctor, are you after one of my meat pies?
No, I mean will you marry me?
Then say so.
I just did.
Oh yes, so you did.
Well.
What could a girl say but Yes! (they embrace)
(taking Jack to one side) Oh Jack, isnt it wonderful how everyone has found their true love?
I suppose so, yes.
Jack, arent you happy for them?
Yes, of course.
Then whats the matter?
Well, now it turns out youre the daughter of a Sir and have plenty of money, I dont suppose youll want anything to do
with me.
Oh Jack, how could you think that? I love you and thats much more important than any amount of money.
(brightening) So you still love me then?
Of course I do Jack and I always will!
Then, will you marry me Daisy?
Oh Jack, of course I will.

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Treasure Island

All cheer
Mrs S: Come along Daisy, we must go and prepare for the wedding
Exit all except Jack. Enter SAMMY
Jack: Well hello Sammy! Weve found Granites or should I say Grenvilles treasure, and our adventure is about over.
Sammy: Im glad it all turned out right, (indicating off stage) and it looks like it has for you and Daisy.
Jack: Yes it has! Will you come and live with us when were married?
Sammy: Thats very kind of you but Im a Sea Cat and I couldnt live ashore for very long.
Jack: So what will you do?
Sammy: Ive arranged to sail with a chap called Robinson Crusoe. Nice, quiet sort of bloke. Ive had enough of adventures for a
while.
Jack: Then Ill come along and see you off.
EXIT Jack and Sammy. ENTER Gorgon and Tibia
Tibia: Im not sure tunnelling all the way from Treasure Island was such a great idea. All that digging has worn me out.
Gorgon: But you didnt do any.
Tibia: No, but I was with you in spirit, my little aardvark.
Gorgon: Oh, Fibbsie, you say the nicest things. But what are we going to do? Mummy and Daddy are in prison and were broke
and homeless.
Tibia: I guess well have to get a job.
Gorgon: What sort of job?
Tibia: Well, I dont like washing and things like that.
Gorgon: An Ive always been called a slob.
Tibia: An I like being rude to people.
Gorgon: An I cant cook to save my life.
Tibia:
Well go and work in MacDonalds! (EXIT both)
Gorgon:

ACT 2 - Scene 6

Finale
SONG 15
into Pantomime
Walk down

1.
2.
3.
4.

Police Sergeant
Captain C.Dogg - Red Ruth
Sammy - Bodgejob
Tibia Bones - Gorgonzola

Roger Morrish 1995

5.
6.
7.
8.

18

Norman - Ethel
Squire De Neau - Grizelda
Dr. Liverish - Mrs Squawkins.
Jack Squawkins - Daisy

Treasure Island

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