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Patrick Caro
Mrs. Coco
T/Th 1:30-3:00
October 13 2015
My Audience is ROTC High School Freshman
Preface
The Teacher Comment Draft allowed me to notice my mistakes when it came to my focus
and my audience awareness. My audience I chose was too general where this scenario might be
for only a specific audience. I also tried to keep my focus consistent throughout the paper with
the same general message throughout the paper and I dont know if I did that. The cut-and-tape
review allowed me to cut down on my paragraphs and therefore allowed me to make a lot of
small paragraphs with different topics instead of having few paragraphs with multiple topics in
each paragraph.
I feel like my paper speaks to an audience and I am not sure if my focus is consistent. I
also am not sure if I have enough development to display my focus and allow my reader to
understand my message. The two things I need the most help with is development and focus. I
cut down of my paragraphs and I am concerned if my paper has enough support with each topic.
My three biggest concerns when it comes to my paper: is my focus consistent, do I have enough
development throughout my essay to explain my points, and do I connect to the audience in an
efficient way.
A Turning Point That Affected My Whole Life
1.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. The minute you go into a test
comfortable hoping you get a B or a C and you walk out with an F is a defining moment in your
life. A lot of people use encouragement as an inspiration, but unlike those people I focus on the
deterrent as motivation. The moment in my freshman year of Naval Junior Reserve Officer
Training Corps (NJROTC) I was crushed when my instructor, Master Chief was a wakeup call.
He was going into detail about who were the top freshman cadets, and my name wasnt
mentioned I was baffled and then began fuming at Master Chief. Over time I realized that I
didnt have anyone but myself to blame. I used that as self-motivation to get to the place where I
wanted to be. Five years ago I was a freshman who thought he was doing everything right, but
was dead wrong. Now following my senior year Master Chief my name is on the coveted wall of

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honor. The wall of honor is a wall in Master Chiefs classroom where he had a list of students
that had an exemplarily performance while in NJROTC. If it was not for me seeking advice to
improve, working as hard as I can by doing as much as I could, and using the experience as a
motivating factor in everything I do (especially my writing), I would not be the person I am
today.
2.

Master Chief, the instructor of NJROTC freshmen and seniors was a mentor that didnt

sugarcoat anything and was always there for me when it I needed him most. As a freshman I was
in the same position all of yall are in. Your freshman year is the most confusing because it is an
adjustment from middle school to high school. I didnt exactly understand necessarily what
enough was in order to be a top cadet in NJROTC, but I assumed that I did enough to be one. My
expectation was differed far from reality.
3.

Weeks into my sophomore year I wanted feedback on how to be a better cadet. Master

Chief was proud that I asked him for help, as he made it clear that it wasnt going to be easy to
make up the ground I lost during my freshman year. He told me that I could do it. He also told
me if I really wanted to go far in the program it was up to me to do it. He didnt want me to be
discouraged, because he knew without any doubt in his mind I could do what it takes to be the
cadet I wanted to be. His message was I need to be much more involved. That piece of advice
was my motivation to do what I could to be a top cadet.
4.

For anybody that thinks they do enough for a top role is probably wrong. Many people

think you have to study an hour to get an A, and they blame the teacher when they dont get that
A. Its not your teacher fault you didnt get an A. It is your own fault. My sophomore year I did a
lot more things with in the NJROTC program. Every day of the week there are different teams
that focus on physical fitness, drill, and academics. I was a member of all of them during my

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sophomore year which really started to show Master Chief how much I cared about NJROTC.
The extra time and work I put in didnt just advance me more in the program; I found that I also
enjoyed the program a lot more. At this point I realized to get the most out of anything you have
to give it your all. Giving my all to NJROTC meant sacrificing my free time. The time span
between my freshman and sophomore year showed a lot of growth. This growth was in
everything including academics. My GPA improved from a 3.0 my freshman year to a 3.8 my
sophomore year. Each year I did more than the year before and at the beginning of each year I
asked how I can improve.
5.

My junior year I really focused on my consistency. I focused on being a leader within the

program, I was doing the same thing ever day week after week. I became a person people were
able to rely on in the program which is what I should have been my freshman year. I was helping
the freshman and sophomore become more involved. I began getting more responsibility from
the instructors and I got rewarded at the end of the year. At the end of the year, I was promoted to
staff, which is a team of the most committed cadets in the program. This was a hard milestone to
achieve and my journey didnt end there.
6.

One of the best moments was during my senior year when I asked what else I could do,

and he told there was nothing else I could to improve. He said just keep doing what I am doing
and inspires others to follow in my shoes. I spent my senior year being a role model helping
people who had the same questions as me as a freshman. The way I finished NJROTC made up
for the way I started. After my senior year I received many awards and recognitions from the
program, but the number one thing I took from my NJROTC experience is whatever you doing
give you are hundred percent efforts at the time.

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7.

I know the topic and it was how a turning point in my life impacted my writing, and it

took an experience that impacted my entire life to impact my writing. I used to write English
papers the night before they were do, because I wasnt motivated to write and I wasnt good at
writing. I then wrote an essay to the NJROTC instructors thanking them, and an essay to our
school paper talking about our NJROTC program. Those essays took days for me to write and it
was the first time I didnt everything I could to assure the essays was perfect. I had my English
teacher and peers read over them and edit them before I submitted them, and when I showed my
senior English teacher she said it was the best essay I ever wrote. She then asked me why I
havent ever written an essay that good before. I realized this was the first time I was really
motivated to write something. I have learned I write best when it is something I am really
passionate about. The essay was the most meaningful thing I have ever written, because I believe
this essay actually mattered. I was telling my story and I had to make sure I told it the right way.
I was always a C student in English, but my teacher told me this was an A quality paper.
8.

Writing never interested me, and therefore I was never a good writer. I always did awful

in English because I always thought English was boring and tedious. If I am asked to read two
essays and write an essay comparing a contrasting them I wouldnt just fail the essay it would
take me forever to write a draft because I wouldnt be motivated to write. If you ask me a turning
point in my writing I will answer that question in very specific details. My writing was affected
indirectly through NJROTC but nothing before made me like writing as much as writing for the
instructors and for the school paper.
9.

My general message to anybody especially high school freshman is if you want to

improve on yourself as a whole find one thing that means everything to you and give your all in
that. This will allow you to improve on all aspects in your life. The whole time my focus was on

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improving my status in NJROTC I would never thought my academics would thrive as well. I
believe a major reason my writing was able to improve in my four years of high school because I
tried harder than I ever have been before. When my senior English teacher said that the paper I
wrote for the NJROTC instructors was the best paper I ever wrote I realized I am not a bad
writer. I just never had the motivation before to want to write; therefore my writing was never
good. For those who want to be a better writer, start with the reason you want to write and if you
really care about what you are writing you will assure it will be one of the best pieces you ever
written.
10.

Master Chief opened my eyes into the world. He made me have a different perspective at

everything. It took a life defining moment for me to change all components of my life. My
freshman year I was a 3.0 student, and every year after that I got a 3.8. In order to thrive in
something you have to give it your all. I know the conversations I had with Master Chief were
essential in my improvement as a person. The moment of success in a getting acknowledged for
all the hard work you put into something makes the hard work worth it. Five years ago I wasnt
one of the top freshman cadets, but now I know if I dont do a good job at something I have to
change something to improve. I am going to use this high school lesson as a college tool,
because if I get a C on an English paper I am going to talk to my English professor. I wont talk
to her for an A but I will talk to her to gain feedback in order to get an A next time. With hard
work, advices from those around you, and a little motivation you too can see yourself succeed in
writing.