THE EDUCATION

OF ALICE WELLS
A novel by Sara Wolf

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I stride to the library and dial Raniks

number. It rings twice, and then he picks up.
Hello?
I forbid you from being nice to me, I
say immediately. Theres a silence on his end. I
know he knows its me he saw the number.
I can be nice to whoever I wanna be,
He says finally.

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We have a working relationship, I

snap. One of student and teacher. I cannot
abide you coming to like me.
Like you? He sputters. W-What makes
you think I
I expressly told you not to like me.
You told me not to try to fuck you, he
corrects.
The only way I would ever have sex with
anyone would be to like them first, to enter a mutual relationship of liking. Therefore, you cannot
like me. That would be a step towards trying to
bed me.

Sara Wolf
THE EDUCATION OF ALICE WELLS

Copyright 2014 by Sara Wolf

All rights reserved. This work or any portion thereof may not be utilized or reproduced in
any way, with exception of review purposes,
without the written consent of the author.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to real persons, events, names, or locations
are coincidental and a product of the authors
imagination.

6/755

For questions, concerns, or comments,

please contact the author at sarawolfbooks@gmail.com

Chapter One
For the seventh time today, Professor
Mathers calls on me.
Alice? You look like you know the
answer.
All eyes in the European History 204
classroom rivet to me, expectant and bored and
waiting for me to offer a brilliant yet succinct answer like I always do, because Im Alice Wells,
and the one thing in the world Im good at is answering teachers. Im bad at most other things

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college students are supposed to be good at, like

wearing pink, and binge-drinking, and hooking
up. But in the classroom, Im nothing less than
perfect. And modest.
I clear my throat and adjust my sweater.
Kublai Khan, Professor. His trade routes
established the possibility of direct contact
between Europe and the Far East for the first
time in history.
Mathers beams at me, adjusting his tiny
glasses on his round, always-oily face. Very
good, Alice. Well make a PhD out of you yet at

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this rate. Now, if youll turn your attention to

page 54 of the text -
My friend Charlotte, her chestnut curls
cascading down her trendy white blouse, nudges
me as I sit down. Hes totally getting off on
you.
That is extremely gross and also inappropriate, I gag.
You two will make a lovely couple, she
smirks. Id bet money hes into your type.
And what, pray tell, is my type? I sigh.
Bookish, grade-obsessed virgins.

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I dont bother to argue that last bit. I was

the last virgin at high school graduation, next to
the pimply World of Warcraft guy, and Im certainly the last virgin here, at Mountford
University, the number one party school in southern Washington.
I am not obsessed with grades, I sniff.
Charlotte pointedly looks at my laptop, on
which an excel spreadsheet is open, detailing my
schedule for the week. She taps her finger on a
box Wednesday morning; Study. She taps another; Friday night Study. Saturday afternoon:
Study. She mashes her fingers all over the screen,

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indicating the vast majority of the boxes are filled

with the command to study. I kick her under the
table and she muffles her laugh in her sleeve. Her
phone buzzes for the millionth time that morning
with a text. She grabs it and types quickly.
Psst, She hisses at me. I ignore her and
focus on Mathers powerpoint harder. Oh
cmon, you cant actually be mad. I just said the
truth! Theres nothing wrong with being a nerd. I
still love you.
I roll my eyes, but its true. Shes been
my friend since sixth grade. Weve seen each
other at our worst.

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Youre the one person who does.

Charlottes smirk gets wider as she leans
in. Lets fix that.
How? In case youve forgotten, all boys
hate me.
Ugh, Alice, for the last time, boys dont
hate you! Youre just a
She looks me over, taking in my sweater
and plaid skirt. I adjust my thin glasses and throw
my dishwater-blonde ponytail over my shoulder.
Bitch, I offer.
a little impatient, Charlotte corrects.

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Well excuse me for being impatient, but

I prefer not to waste my time on idiots who can
only manage the words tits and yolo.
Come on, Al. Melissa invited me to a
barbeque at Theta Delta Pi next week, and you
know how awesome their building is, and you
havent left your room except to eat and go to
class for weeks which is fine but Im starting to
worry about you and I really dont want to go
alone, and please, please, please
Charlotte, did you want to share
something with the class? Professor Mathers

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quirks a brow. Charlotte flushes and lowers her

voice to a bare squeak.
No. Sorry.
When Mathers turns back to the projection screen, Charlotte immediately leans in to me
and starts chant-whispering.
Please please please please
Alright! God! I hiss. You have the
tenacity of a Tasmanian devil.
Charlotte silently fistpumps in victory.
The bell rings, and she throws her books in her
bag and bops me on the nose.
See you tonight!

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Shes out the door before I can even

blink. Weve been friends for nearly a decade,
and she hasnt changed an inch from her permanently popular, sugar-high self. Then again,
neither have I. Im still boring and focused on
school as ever. But in a house with a Mom who
only looked at me if I brought home a good report card, it was something I just grew into.
School was my life. Where other girls found joy
in movies and fashion and friends, I found it in
numbers and facts. Thats how Ive always been.
It didnt get me a lot of friends. Charlottes the
one exception. Its a miracle shes still stuck with

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flat-as-week-old-soda me when we came to

Mountford. She could be hanging out with so
many other girls who talk about stuff she actually
likes, who arent boring. I half expect her to
leave me in the dust at some point this year.
I sigh and pack my bag.
Alice? May I see you for a moment?
Professor Mathers voice rings. I look up.
Yes, of course. One second.
The class is mostly empty by the time I
get down to his desk. Mathers looks up and
smiles at me.

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You know, Alice, Im thoroughly impressed by your knowledge of the trans-continental subsection. Did you happen to read ahead in
the textbook?
The familiar surge of pride at being
praised wells up. Yes, sir. I make it a habit to
read all my textbooks cover to cover when I first
receive them. I reach in my bag and fish my
textbook out to show him. Thousands of rainbow
post-its mark the pages. I also annotate for
quicker reference during study.
His mouth drops open a little. He closes it
just as quickly and smiles.

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Ive always thought indexes in books

were too clunky. This post-it method is an elegant solution.
The classroom is empty now, but even
with no one here to see me getting praised, my
chest still swells. My post-its arent boring to
him, or neurotic, or nerdy. They are exceptional.
Its really nothing special, sir.
Mathers stands and walks over to me, putting a hand around my shoulder.
Dont be silly. Ive seen hundreds of
kids come and go through my class every
semester, and none of them have the dedication

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and talent you do, Alice. Youre a truly remarkable girl.

I should be happy at his compliment, but
for some reason a creeping coldness starts in my
stomach and works its way up to my lungs. I
cant breathe right, and his hand on my shoulder
tightens.
T-Thank you, sir.
And always so polite, he continues.
His arm drops from my shoulders and
slides down my spine, resting right on the skirt
over my butt. A sick feeling wells up, and I try to
wrench away, but his other arm is holding my

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wrist, now. His eyes are gleaming behind his

glasses, face suddenly serious, no hint of a smile,
and frigid terror starts to grip me when the doors
suddenly fly open and a guy walks in.
Mr. Mathers! He calls happily. Mathers
drops his hands quickly and I pull away and
leave as fast as I can without running, but the interrupter guy stops me, putting his lean body
between me and the door.
Hey, whoa, hold up, He says. I look up,
seeing my unwitting rescuer for the first time.

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I instantly regret it, because standing in

front of me is the ever-sleazy playboy Ranik
Mason.
Tangled black hair - shaved on the sides
frame his fox-like, cunning hazel eyes and thick,
sharp brows. Everything about him is sinewy;
lean limbs and long fingers. A snake tattoo winding around a dagger decorates his neck, just
peeking out of his leather jacket. His smile is a
little too crooked, like his broad mouth is permanently tilted. His jeans are boot-cut and jet
black and frayed at the knees with one too many

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falls. He smells like whiskey and cinnamon and

hot metal.
Yo, princess, you okay? Ranik asks.
Lookin kinda pale there.
I-ImIm fine, I force. I need to go.
Raniks gold-green eyes flit up to look at
Mathers. Oy, mister! You werent getting
handsy with the ladies again, were you?
Mathers pulls himself up to his full
height, still at least a half-foot shorter than Ranik.
I dont know what youre talking about.
Alice and I were speaking about her stellar

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grades. Not that youd know anything about stellar grades, you hooligan.
Ranik makes a tsk-tsk noise, and
saunters over to Mathers. I watch in amazement
as Mathers instantly loses all bravado and shrinks
into himself, backing against the wall to get away
from the approaching boy in leather and jeans.
Dont touch me! Mathers hisses. Ill
call security.
Aw, cmon M-dog. We both know you
wont. Sides, security loves me, you know? I
mean, they gotta love me, since they see me so
much. I might not be the smartest stick in the

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bunch, I might not get your precious straight As

or whatever, but I know what people love, okay?
Security loves me. You love girls. Specifically,
your own fucking students, who rely on you to
teach them and guide them. Oh man, that just
gets you off like nothing else, doesnt it? Sweet
innocent girl like that, Ranik looks to me, then
back to Mathers. Lookit her! She dont know
nothing about what sick fucking fantasies you got
stored up behind those beady-ass eyes, because
shes never had a creep like you in control of her
grades!

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Please, p-please, Mathers stutters. I

wont do it again. I swear to you
You swore last time! Ranik raises his
voice to a polite roar. And the time before that!
Hell, its almost like you arent actually swearing
to me at all, mister! Maybe I oughta tell somebody important about all this shit youre stirring
up!
Mathers starts to sweat. Im rooted in
place, incredulous. Ranik managed to reduce a
man three times his age to a quibbling mess in
less than thirty seconds. But Mathers suddenly
goes slack, serious face returning.

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No one will believe a pothead reject like

you, he snarls. Ranik leans in, eyes glinting.
The way I see it, its a fifty-fifty chance.
Test it out if youre feeling lucky, you old fuck.
Ranik turns and saunters towards me, and
Mathers is quiet for all of a second before he
bleats.
Wait! Wait, stop!
Ranik looks at me, rolling his eyes in an
unmistakable this guy is a waste of my time
way, and pivots to face him.
Whats up, granpops?
Please, dont tell. What will it take?

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Ranik muses at the ceiling, then holds up

three fingers and counts down. First off, you
quit bein a creep to girls. Second, you dont
touch their grades. And third, if I ever catch you
feelin up Princess here again, well. Lets just say
your job will be the least painful of the things
youll lose, okay? Okay, cool. Good talk.
Ranik thumps Mathers on the back with a
friendly smile, and walks towards me.
Cmon, lets go. Even worms deserve to
shit themselves in peace.
I follow slowly because Im half-numb
from Mathers attempted assault and half-wary of

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Ranik. Hes whistling, walking with a bounce in

his step like he just won the lottery. I notice the
tattoo on the back of his neck a rose with
bloody thorns. Id seen him around campus
smoking with a circle of likewise grungy friends,
his arm usually slung around a different pretty,
rail-thin, heavily-makeupd girl every week. But
goth raver chick isnt his only type. He strolls
around campus sometimes with voluptuous
cheerleaders or bottle-blonde sorority girls giggling on his arm, but even they dont last more
than a few days. Id seen him around campus but
Id heard more about him around campus hes

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the one freshmen go to if they need booze, or a

fake ID, or a drug hookup. Not that he sells
drugs. But he knows everyone in this town, and
everyone knows him. Ranik Mason has made the
connections, bribed the right people, and dug up
dirt on every important person in school, from
the board head right down to the janitor. You
dont fuck with Ranik Mason. Unless youre a
girl. And even then, you fuck carefully.
I shudder. A ghostly pressure lingers on
my skirt where Mathers hand was. How could
he? I knew he liked me, but not like that. All my
life Id trusted teachers. They were the people Id

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always been able to connect to, moreso than my

peers, who found me creepy or hard to talk
with. Teachers were my rock, my one safe place
where I was accepted for who I truly was. And
now even that has been tainted.
Raniks face suddenly appears in my
view. Startled, I pull back.
Whoa, didnt mean to scare you, He
puts his hands up. You were just real quiet, is
all.
Excuse me if Im quiet while my world
shatters, I say.

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That bad, huh? Ranik studies me. If

one little grope from that pisshead shattered your
entire world, mustve been a sucky world to begin with.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand
up as I bristle. You dont know what youre
talking about.
Oh, I think I do! He smiles cheerily.
Youre Alice Wells, right? 4.2 GPA or
whatever, all the professors want you in their
program. Youre from Pennsylvania, but you
chose Mountford University all the way out here
in Washington when you coulda gone to any Ivy

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League you wanted. That gets me wonderin

are you a big fish who likes being in a little
pond? Or were you just scared of not being smart
enough for the Ivys?
I turn and ignore him. My real reasons are
my own, and darker than he can imagine. No one
can know. Especially not him. Ranik runs to
catch up with me.
Hey, hey, wherere you going so fast?
Im not going to dignify you with a response. Therefore, our conversation is over.
Wooow. So the rumors were true. You
really do talk like a robot.

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Robot. The word rings in my head like an

ugly note, a sour piano chord that brings the
memories of high school back, vivid and bright.
Youre so boring, like a robot.
Sure thing, robot-girl.
Do you even feel anything in that hard
robot heart of yours?
Dont bother talking to her, shes like a
weird robot.
The pain, like all things, passes. I square
my shoulders, hold my head high, and look Ranik
right in the eyes.

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Thank you for assisting with Mathers.

But I have no further use for you.
Ouch. Youre stone-cold.
Youre not the first to tell me that. Or to
call me a robot.
Ranik looks surprised. Oh. Oh, was that
a bad thing? Didya not like that?
Generally speaking, people dont enjoy
being likened to a soulless machine.
I just meant, you know, your voice sounded like a robot. Not you. I didnt mean youre a
robot, princess, cmon

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I dont say anything more. He doesnt deserve anything more. I walk out of the building
doors and into the watery sunshine. My fury is
icy, and buried so far beneath my shock at Mathers behavior I cant feel it at all. My feet take me
to the library automatically, the smell of old
books like a balm soothing over my burning
shame and confusion. I try to study my European
History textbook, but just reading the material reminds me of Mathers grip. Studying anything
else is impossible my brain is too scrambled to
focus.

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My phone vibrates in my pocket, and a

few intensely studying seniors shoot me dirty
looks. I quickly duck outside and answer it.
Hi, Mom.
Hello Alice, My mothers crisp voice
filters through. How have you been?
ImIm great, I start. The food here
is very good. Theres a wonderful vegetarian caf
in the middle of the campus, and the gym boasts
a wide array of
What about your classes?
Im maintaining my average, I say
quickly.

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Are you asking your professors for extra

credit like I suggested?
Yes. They dont give me much, but -
Then you must ask them for more. You
cant squander this chance, Alice. College is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and an expensive
one. You have to get the most out of it while you
can.
Right. Illpress them harder.
Theres a half-second of silence, which is
unusual. Mom cant stand silences. Everything in
me burns to tell her what happened with Mathers.

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Mom I start. Just now, one of my

professors
I have to go, Alice, she says suddenly.
Im at a conference.
Oh, okay. Good luck.
Luck has nothing to do with it. I worked
hard for this position, and now I can speak at
panels because of it. It was my hard work in college that led me here. You must strive for the
same.
O-Of course, I stammer. Mom hangs
up, the dial-tone cold against my ear. The conversation was short, but conversations with her

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always are. Being one of the countrys leading

neurochemists leaves more time for scientific
conferences and lab work, and less for idle chat
and daughters. And when I chose Mountford
University instead of her alumni, Princeton, our
conversations only got shorter.
But thats why I chose it. Moms reputation hasnt followed me to the West Coast. None
of my professors compare me to her here. And
shes nearly five thousand miles away, so she
cant barge in on me unexpected. At Mountford
Im free freer than I would be at Princeton, at
least.

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I walk back inside and return to my usual

table at the library. Though I try to buckle down,
the textbooks just feel like dead paper and ink beneath my eyes, instead of living words and facts.
I cant absorb any information at all.
My eyes wander to the fiction section, but
I shake my head. I havent had time to read a fiction book since middle school, when studying
suddenly became very important for my future.
But I find myself in the fiction section anyway,
my tempted fingers dancing over fantastic, familiar books I used to love so much dragons,

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spaceships, warrior-princesses. I can almost hear

my mothers disdainful voice in my head.
Those will rot your brain, Alice. Here,
War and Peace is a much more informative novel, and with more realistic characters.
Her voice makes me pause from pulling
out a cheesy-looking romance book. My eyes
burn with tears I didnt know I had. Mathers
every word still hangs an like oily ribbon in my
head. Why am I crying over a simple grope? The
man is old, and an idiot, but hes a professor I
trusted. I trusted the world of college, of academia, of learning. I placed my trust in it because

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it was pure, and easy, no human emotions or errors there to mess things up. But its more than
that. Im crying because I was afraid. Afraid of
what couldve happened if Ranik hadnt walked
in at the right time.
Alice?
I look up, hastily wiping the tears from
my eyes on my sweater. Alice Wells does not
cry. A handsome sophomore stands there, his
gentle, puppy-like blue eyes shining at me. His
golden hair is straight and graces his forehead
like a kiss. His face is open and angelic, sweet
and achingly kind. Hes tall, as tall as Ranik, with

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broad shoulders. Hes Theo Morrison campus

radio DJ and the highest honors student in his
grade.
Are you alright? He asks. The blush on
my cheeks is instant, punching through my
sadness.
Yes. Im fine. Thanks for asking.
He grins. I just wanted to make sure I
usually see you smiling in here, not crying.
I laugh, the sound fragile even to my own
ears. Its been aninteresting day.
Theo! A girl whisper-shouts from a few
aisles down. Shes stunning her black hair

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shining like a ravens wing and her eyes darker

than velvet. A purple streak etches the hair over
her ear. Her grin is infectious. Come here! I
found it!
Theo flashes a smile at her, then looks to
me. Im sorry, I have to go. Its for a project.
But you can stop by the radio station whenever
you want, and we can talk then. Feel better soon,
okay?
Thank you, I say lamely as he leaves. I
hear his voice mixing with the girls, their
laughter soft and faint. Whoever she is, she isnt
the first to try to date Theo many, many girls

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with good taste had their laser sights on him from

day one. Myself included. Hes always turned
them down, and Ive only escaped that humiliation because Ive never worked up the courage
to ask him on a date. I barely know what a date
is, let alone how to ask a boy on one. Wed been
pleasant and engaging partners on a Biochem 301
project, but hed never laughed like he did with
the dark-haired girl when he was with me.
Over the next few days I watch the girl
Grace. Shes a freshman like me, living one floor
above me in the St. George dorm. Her door is
decorated with foam letters that read GRACE

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AND BRENDAS ROOM, GROSS PEOPLE

KEEP OUT J. Her clothes are always vibrant
rainbow socks, a cute hoodie with ironed-on cartoon patches, ripped jeans. She likes foxes she
has a pendant with one on it and doodles them on
her arms in red pen. She is a very good artist. She
laughs with her massive group of friends and
smiles at strangers and rolls on the lawn during
breaks just to feel the grass beneath her skin. She
is the exact opposite of me, and Theo is drawn to
her like honey, seeking her out at lunch, ignoring
me in the library in favor of her. Jealousy rises in
my throat, but stark logic tamps it down why

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would he choose me over a cheery, spontaneous,

beautiful girl? I have nothing to offer save for robotic comments, boring conversation, and facts
about the circumference of Jupiters moon Io. I
do not roll on the grass. I do not laugh with a
large group of friends who find me very funny.
No one finds me funny. No one even finds me
bearable. No one except Charlotte.
I stare at myself in my full-length mirror
one day after classes. Im not ugly, but Im not
beautiful. Not in the way Grace is, not in the way
that shines from the inside. I have faint purple
circles under my blue eyes from studying long

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hours into the night. My hair is blonde, pale

blonde, but without the healthy shine of Graces.
My skin is pallid, no hint of Graces sun-kissed
hue. Where her nose is button-like and adorable,
mine is considerably less appealing straight and
long. Compared to her dark beauty I am a
washed-out painting, faded and dull and wholly
without any unique qualities to speak of.
Dont concern yourself with the mirror,
Alice, Moms voice lilts through my mind.
Girls with no future waste huge amounts of time
looking in the mirror. You are passable, but not
pretty. This is very good you wont attract any

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distractions. Your body will serve your mind

well. Thats all it needs to do.
I rifle through my closet, getting ready for
the absurd barbeque I promised Charlotte Id go
to. My jeans are perfectly pressed and folded, not
ripped or doodled on. Clean and de-linted skirts
the length of my knees, never shorter. T-shirts in
plain, solid colors, no cartoon characters or witty
phrases pasted on. Dad did send me a shirt one
Christmas with a rainbow dolphin on it and I
loved it, but Mom called it ridiculous and threw it
in the trash the next morning. I had cried for

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days, and that was when I learned crying only upset her more.
That was when I learned to stop crying,
for good.
I pull on a simple blue t-shirt and jeans,
and top it off with a black blazer and ballet flats
the shoes absolutely dull compared to Graces
lime-green converse with pink laces.
Oh my god, Charlotte frowns when she
pulls up in her red Nissan. You look like youre
going for a job interview, Al.

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Is this not what people wear to sorority

parties? I ask. Ive never been to a sorority
party. Or a party in general.
Charlotte slaps her forehead. My stomach
sinks as I realize I disappointed her with my boringness, too. She shakes it off and motions for
me to get in the car.
Its fine, theres no time to change,
were gonna be late.
I hop in the passenger side and notice she
brought a beach towel and her swimsuit. She
eyes me again.
Did you bring your swimsuit?

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I dont swim.
She sighs. We both know you swim.
You just dont wear bikinis around people, is
all.
Im amazed you do it.
Charlotte shrugs, and smiles at me.
When you look as fabulous as me, why
wouldnt you?
That tugs a smile from me. Her confidence always does. It infects me, sometimes, but
not today. Id never wear a swimsuit in front of a
bunch of strangers so they could ridicule my lack
of breasts. Especially not sorority girls and the

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frat boys who will inevitably be swarming the

place.
Charlotte parks and we work our way into
the white-washed mansion. Girls in bright, colorful bikinis and tankinis run around, squirting each
other with water guns and jumping in and out of
the pool. Other girls drink on the grass or dip
their feet in the pool while sipping something
fruity and talking merrily. Boys in swim shorts
bellyflop off the diving board and tend to the
multiple grills set around the lawn. A table laden
with charred hot dogs and burgers and condiments is in complete disarray, ketchup smeared

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over the tablecloth and pieces of buns being

picked at by birds.
Im completely overdressed for the occasion. Even the people who arent swimming wear
laid-back summery clothes, shooting my blazer
and flats odd looks. Charlotte quickly gets
dragged off by Melissa to be introduced to a
mysterious Nick. I sigh and pour myself a cup
of too-sweet lemonade from the table, retreating
to a shady spot under a tree to sip and watch the
chaos. Its painfully obvious I dont belong here.
Its then I spot a familiar face wild
black hair sticking up, shaved on the sides, hazel

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eyes that dance with mirth, and a body that

weaves between people with the grace of a cat.
Ranik is here, in swim shorts and nothing else,
his tattoos bared for all to see. A single angel
wing adorns his left shoulderblade. The daggersnake on his necks side has the snakes tail
winding all the way down his left arm, stopping
at his wrist. Hes lean and long, like an underfed
wolf, with prominent pectoral and abdominal
muscles. A redhead clings to his bicep, massive
breasts engulfing his elbow. He laughs and jokes
with her, and when she gets the chance, she
pushes him in the pool and he comes up

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spluttering, pulling her into it with him goodnaturedly.

It almost looks fun. Almost. Not that it
will ever happen to me. I would never be comfortable enough, or bold enough, to push
someone in a pool like that. And I severely doubt
anyone would like me enough to forgive me for
it, and then pull me in with them.
Hey there, I look to my right, where a
brunette boy in a snapback and saggy jeans
smiles at me. Enjoying yourself?
The urge to drive him away overwhelms
me he looks as though hes the type to only talk

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to a girl for sex. But I think of Grace, and how

she would react.
Yes, thank you. The lemonade is good.
No, Grace would be more enthusiastic. I raise my
voice and make it higher, sweeter, happier. The
lemonade is good!
The boy looks alarmed. Uh, yeah, I
heard you the first time.
Sorry. ImIm not used to these sorts
of parties.
Yeah, I noticed, He chuckles. You
dont really look like the type to be here. Are you
here with a friend?

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Yes, shes the one being dragged around

by the wrist and shoved at random boys.
He cranes his neck and laughs. Ah,
Melissas friend. Yeah, Melissa kinda makes
people do what she wants. By force.
That sounds unpleasant.
His smile turns oily. Not all the time, if
you know what I mean.
Sex. Always the mention of sex. It permeates, sinks into every interaction. The rest of
my peers are obsessed with it, chasing after it like
mad dogs in heat. A disdainful retort rises up on
my tongue, but I quash it down. What would

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Grace think of it? Grace is open, and cheerful.

Sex is surely something she likes. She wouldnt
scorn it.
Haha, I laugh stiffly. I do know what
you mean.
The boy rubs his neck. Theres an awkward silence that a robot like me doesnt know
how to fill at all.
I should go. Burgers might be burning.
Let me know if you want one, okay?
Yes. No, too formal. I mean, yeah!
Thank you!

60/755

He leaves quickly, and I curse myself. If I

was better at communicating, if I was less
mundane, Id be able to carry an interesting conversation. He wouldnt have left so quickly. I
could have made a new friend, potentially.
If I was more like Grace, he wouldnt
have left at all.

Chapter 2
I sigh and go into the sorority house to
find a bathroom. The only open one is messy,
bits of toilet paper and god-knows-what liquid
dotting the floor. I do my business quickly and
walk out. I pass a door, faint moans coming out
of it. Sex. Always with the damned sex. Doesnt
anyone in a fifteen-mile radius of the campus
think about anything else? The crack is more than
a little wide, and I recognize the tattoos instantly
Ranik, pinning the redhead girl to a bed and
kissing her neck. His back muscles shift under

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the svelte ink of his tattoo and the golden afternoon light coming through the window. The redhead is enjoying it immensely, a smile on her
pretty face and her body writhing happily. My
foot creaks on the floorboards and Raniks head
snaps up, green-streaked gaze on me. Im a deer
in the headlights, but I compose myself quickly
and walk quickly outside to my shady spot.
I know hes a womanizing asshole, so
seeing him in the process of womanizing isnt exactly startling, but it did alarm me. I calm my
heartbeat and text Charlotte, attempting to find
out how long she intends to stay here. At this

63/755

rate, theres no reason for me to stay, since Charlotte seems fine without me. She has a friend
with her, a new one. Ill catch a bus back to campus. Its not too late to get some last-minute
studying in for the day. Since seeing Grace and
Theo together for the first time, and after Mathers approach, Ive been having trouble concentrating. I need to cram a few hours, straight and
true, to clear my head of this nonsensical reluctance and get back into routine. I cant let my
grades slip over something as silly as an infatuation, or almost-sexual harassment. Mom would
be furious.

64/755

Hey-o, Princess,
I look up. Ranik is standing in front of me
and grinning. His hair is disheveled, stiff and
chlorine dried. The sun paints his skin in bronze
and sharp angles. I ignore him and stand up, fishing for bus change in my pockets as I walk away.
Oy, oy! Wait for me!
I dont. I cross the street and head towards the nearest bus stop, pausing to read the
map. The 16 will take me back, and it arrives in
thirteen minutes. I seat myself on the bench and
take out my phone and open my flashcard app for

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my Spanish class. I might as well attempt to

study whenever I have time to kill.
A breathless Ranik collapses on the bench
next to me after several minutes. I glance at him
out of the corner of my eye hes still in his
swim shorts, with an added black shirt that reads
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE and scuffed red
converse.
Thought youd run farther than that, He
pants.
I dont run, I say.

66/755

Oh, I know. You just sort of float, not

really touchin the same ground as any of us
common mortals.
We arent on speaking terms, I attempt
to drive him off with the cold quip. Most boys
leave. He just laughs.
Well, considering you just saw me doin
something pretty intimate, Id say were on at
least casual chatting terms.
What - or who - you do on your own
time is your own business. Congratulations.
For what?

67/755

The girl. She is very pretty and seems to

like you very much. You will make a fine
couple.
Ranik looks at me incredulously and
laughs, long and loud and warm. It irritates me,
and I snap at him.
Whats so funny?
Do you do you even know cmon,
even you aint that dense. Were not gonna be a
couple. She dont like me. She just wants me.
I wasnt aware there was a difference.
His snort is laced with the barest hint of a
profound bitterness.

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Well, allow me to inform you; theres a

fuckin difference. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one, blowing smoke. I wrinkle
my nose.
Those will kill you.
Lifes killing me, Princess.
Its a very odd thing for him to say too
deep and dark for the boy who smiles even as
hes threatening a professor.
They smell foul, I insist. Your veritable horde of fangirls wont appreciate it.
He chuckles. Ive got lots of evidence to
the contrary.

69/755

Amazing, I deadpan.
What?
Ranik Mason used several words more
than five letters long within one sentence. In
most countries, this would be considered a
miracle.
Ha. Ha. He stubs his cigarette out.
Look at me. Look at how hard Im laughin.
Look at my single tear of laughter.
I smirk, realize Im smirking at an interaction with Ranik Mason, and quickly quash it,
focusing harder on my Spanish. He watches,
leaning close to my shoulder.

70/755

Whoa, thats pretty cool. Is that on the

app store?
No.
Uh, then whered you get it?
I made it.
His eyes go wide. Seriously? I ignore
him. He raises his voice. Seriously, Princess?
You made that?
Its not hard. Ruby is a very rudimentary
coding language. Its simple to write a study program with it.
Uh, hate to break it to you, but for most
people, shit like that aint simple.

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Most people are capable of learning

things like this. They just dont apply their focus,
I believe.
Princess, please, stop bein modest,
youre killing me here.
Die faster, then.
He breezes on. Theres this thing called
an IQ and everybodys got a different one. Just
focusing dont help most people. Lookit me I
focused real hard at the beginning of the year and
tried but Im still failin all my classes. Im just
dumb as nails, no ifs ands or buts about it.

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I believe youve discovered the one

thing in this universe we can agree on.
Its his turn to smirk. Theres a silence
different than the one I encountered with the frat
boy its less tense, less obvious, more like the
wind blowing through instead of a block of cold
ice between us.
I should thank you, I say.
Ranik scratches his head. For what?
Mathers. If you hadnt of walked in, I
dont know I swallow hard. Another pause,
but this one is darker. Harder. I dont know
what wouldve happened.

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You wouldve socked him in the gut and

reported him, Ranik says. I flinch and stare at
the ground.
Im not that brave.
You came here, didntcha? To this
party? I saw you with your friend when you first
came in. It aint exactly your scene, but you came
anyway. For her. Thats real brave. And nice of
you.
I snort. Im not nice.
Ranik laughs, that warm sound wedging
roots into my resolve to drive him off.

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I think you are, princess. You can pretend to be frozen all the way through. But you
aint. Theres some soft in ya.
The compliment catches me off guard. No
one has ever called me nice. Angry? Yes. Bitter?
Definitely. But never nice.
I watch Raniks face. And thats when it
hits me.
Ive had many brilliant ideas before, but
none are as brilliant as this one. Nor as risky. But
the potential payoff is enormous, and far outweighs those risks.

75/755

You are experienced with women, I

say. You know how attractive women act, and
what makes them attractive.
He smirks. Dont wanna be modest, but,
uh, hell yeah.
But you are failing your classes.
Fantastically.
I am terrible at being attractive. But I am
very good at classes.
Raniks gold-green eyes narrow. Terrible? Shit, I wouldnt call you terrible at all.
Youre just different. In a good way.

76/755

No, I correct him. Im terrible. This

isnt a debate, this is a fact.
Nah. But I wont argue with ya on
something youre convinced of. He sighs.
Whatreya getting on about, Princess?
Theres a guy I happen to like.
Raniks brow quirks high into his hairline. Oh yeah? Whos the lucky bastard?
Thats none of your concern. I need
tobecome more attractive. I need him to notice
me, and quickly, before its too late.
Why? Some other hussy got her claws in
him?

77/755

Again, those are details you dont need

to know.
Okay, fine, so you wanna seduce this
guy
Attract him.
- same thing, He waves it off. And you
think I can teach you how to do that.
Can you not?
Oh, I totally can. Ive had the best of the
best, the crme de la crme. I could make you into the sweetest piece of ass this side of the Mississippi. I know the tricks, what works and what

78/755

doesnt, shit, I know how to get his head

spinnin.
Ranik leans in, eyes darkening with the
telltale sheen of lust Ive seen so often directed at
other girls.
But whats in it for me, huh? Whatre
you gonna give me in exchange?
I hold up my phone and Spanish app directly in his face and he pulls back, startled.
Classes, I say. You know my GPA - I
can promise you straight As.
He screws his face up. So I teach you
how to be a hot trampy lady, and you do my

79/755

homework?

Why

not

just

tutor

me

or

somethin?
That would take too long, I say. Im
able to complete your homework much faster.
Taking the time to tutor you would only waste
both our time.
And me teachin you how to seduce aint
wasting my time?
You need good grades more than I want
this particular boy.
Hah. I seriously doubt that, Princess.
Its a fair trade.

80/755

Yeah, but its kinda fucking missing the

whole point. You obviously like this guy a lot if
youre willin to make a deal with me, a dude
you obviously dont like. If I teach you to be
someone you aint, and he falls for you, it wont
be the real you he falls for! And thats a bad start
to a relationship. And you want it to be good, ya
know, since you like him so much.
Your expertise is what Im interested in,
not your far-reaching concerns.
He stares at me long and hard, like hes
testing the dedication in my eyes. Finally, he
sighs.

81/755

I hope you know what youre doing,

Princess.
Is that a yes?
Yeah. Shit, Im gonna regret this. But
yeah. Lets, I dunno, shake on it. Make it
official.
He extends a hand to me.
I will draw up a contract, and we will
sign it jointly, with a witness. That is more legally binding.
Princess, nothin about this is gonna be
legal. Youre doing my homework for me. Thats
sort of minor fraud against the school.

82/755

I frown. I hadnt thought of it like that.

Still wanna go? Ranik grins. Call it off
now, or never.
I think of Theo Theo, the only boy with
enough courage to approach me, to speak to me
like an equal instead of a disdained alien or a
piece of meat. Theo, the only boy to ever smile at
me, to compliment me with true sincerity.
The only boy to ever make me blush.
I reach out and slide my hand into
Raniks, his every callous meeting my palm and
imprinting an unfamiliar roadmap of a life much
harder than my own. Ranik shakes it, his grin

83/755

broadening. A drop of rain hits the parched

pavement, and another, and another. Ranik stands
and stretches, cracking his neck.
Alright, rains breaking up the party.
Cmon, Ill give you a ride back to campus. And
we can start there.
I text Charlotte to let her know I got a ride
back as Ranik leads me to his beat-up black
Toyota. The rain suddenly explodes from the
clouds, and the distant barbeque crowd shrieks.
Ranik laughs, shaking his head in the water as he
fumbles with his keys, and I stamp my drenched
foot.

84/755

Can you hurry it up?

Yeah yeah, dont twist your panties, He
unlocks the passenger door and I jump in, shaking water off my shoulders. The car smells
faintly of cinnamon and pine and smoke. Ranik
gets in. Speaking of, what kind of panties do
you wear?
I fix him with my best icy gaze. I hardly
think thats relevant.
Well it is now. Starting today, I get to
ask real intimate questions.
Thats an invasion of

85/755

Look, do you wanna get this kid in your

bed or not?
I reluctantly shut my mouth. He starts the
car and pulls out.
Thats what I thought. So spill. Panties?
Whatever I can find at Target.
He flinches. What? No. Like, those
package underwear deals? One red, one white,
one blue, one gray?
And black. I have black underwear, I
say proudly.
Yeah, fuckin, black granny underwear.
Look, He rummages behind his seat when we

86/755

hit a red light and pulls out a skimpy pair of

green, lacy underwear. This is the shit you
want.
Oh, gross. How long have those been in
here?
Or this, even! He pulls out a separate
pair, a more modest bikini-cut with blue stripes
and a little white ribbon. See that ribbon? Fucking adorable. Much better than parachute-pants.
Why?
Why? He splutters and hits the gas as
the light turns green. Common sense dudes
like seeing skin. More skin equals more boners.

87/755

I can already tell Ive made a huge

mistake.
We can stop right now. Your call.
I think about Theos kindness. Hes the
only boy in the world who smiles instead of
frowns at my attempts at humor, who cares about
me enough to ask if Im alright.
Well, Ranik asked that too. But he
doesnt count.
No, I set my jaw. Were doing this.
Thats my girl, Ranik smirks. Lets
shoot this boy in the heart with a fat-ass Cupids
arrow. Whats his name?

88/755

I cant give you a name.

You better give me a name.
I dont see the point.
The point is, Princess, Im gonna stalk
him.
My mouth drops open.
Friendly-like stalking, Ranik insists.
Figure out what he digs and what he disses,
what kind of dude he is and what hes into. We
cant just apply the broad stroke for every boy-o.
Were all different.
Very
Morrison.

well.

Theo,

say.

Theo

89/755

Raniks eyes spark. Ah, golden-boy, eh?

You picked a real vanilla winner.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means thisll be easy, alright? I know
him already beers on the weekend, videogames
every night, likes Neutral Milk Hotel and other
trash hipster bands, missionary style his whole
life, dated the same girl all four years in high
school, Asian porn, wants a manic pixie dream
girl to make him whole, the end.
Thatsdisturbingly specific.

90/755

I got people, okay? My ears are everywhere, so I get some details, but mostly I just
know his type. You aint it.
Obviously.
No I mean, shit, sweetheart. You really
aint it.
My heart twists uncomfortably. Why is
that?
Youre too strong, too smart, too independent. Too old.
I bristle. Hes only one year older than
me!

91/755

Nah, I mean in the heart. You got an old

heart. Hard to explain.
Oh, so, old as in dry and boring.
No, thats not what I said, is it? I said its
hard to explain. It just means youredifferent.
Practical, mature. Youre way beyond his level.
That makes absolutely no sense.
Right, it wouldnt to you, because
youve never dated anyone. He shoots a look at
me. Uh, right? Youve never dated anyone? Im
just assuming things here.
I almost flinch at how pathetic it sounds
coming out, but compose myself.

92/755

Ive never dated anyone.

Kissed?
No.
Fucked?
I narrow my eyes at him. He gives me an
I gotta ask for this to work look.
No.
Like, not even a handjob?
Ive never touched a penis. I try to
maintain a modicum of maturity, but my cheeks
flush.
Dry-humping then?

93/755

No! Lord in heaven, no, no, no.

Nothing!
Hrmmm. He concentrates on the road.
Held hands?
No. Not even that. Im truly pathetic.
Hey, dont sound so down on yourself.
Shit happens and it drags us through the mud so
hard sometimes we dont get to the better things
in life. Gimme your hand.
He opens his not-driving palm between
our seats. His long fingers wait like the spines of
a venus flytrap.

94/755

What am I supposed to do with that? I

ask. Ranik rolls his eyes.
Just put your damn hand in mine.
Why will this help?
Are you always so goddamn chock full
of questions? You gotta get used to touching
boys, first off. So cmon.
Ill get used to it with Theo.
Suit yourself, He says, but leaves his
hand open. Howre you gonna hold his hand
the guy you like - when you cant even hold mine
a guy you hate? We aint gonna get very far, I
can tell already.

95/755

Youre not supposed to use this as an excuse to get me in bed, I snarl.

Whoa, hold up. Ranik pulls over on the
shoulder lane and looks at me sternly, a vast
change from his usual genial countenance. Is
that what you think Im doing? Its hand holding,
Princess, not fuckin.
Oh, Im sorry, its just that you have a
mild reputation for bedding anything that moves.
And why do you call me Princess all the time?
Its exceedingly annoying.
Because thats what you are! You never
fucked, or kissed, or touched nobody. You walk

96/755

around school like youre in a different world

than the rest of us, youre all scary-smart and tall
and pretty and regal. People are straight intimidated by you. If that aint a princess, I dunno what
is.
I open my mouth to argue, but Im too
shocked. Is that really how people see me? Ranik
huffs.
Look Im not shit, Im not trying to get
you into bed. You gotta believe me Ive got lots
of girls willing and ready, dont need you for that
shit, okay? Im gonna do my best to do this

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professionally, but I still gotta teach you. Teaching is about experience. Authentic experience.
I nod. Learning has been proven in lab
trials to be most effective and long-lasting with
hands-on kinesthetic exposure.
Alright. Glad were in agreement. So
now, I know you dont like me, you think Im
stupid or gross or skanky or whatever, but you
gotta trust me. That same skankiness is whats
gonna get you Theo, okay? So work with me,
Princess. Please.
Then promise.
Promise what?

98/755

Promise you wont try to bed me.

He sighs. I promise. You aint even my
type, okay?
Good. You arent mine, either.
He smirks and starts the car up, pulling
back onto the road. Looks like we found three
things

in

this

universe

we

agree

on.

Whodathunk.
After four exits and the radio blaring classical opera until Ranik turns it off with vibrant
swearing, I reach out and put my palm tentatively
in his. My skin is cool compared to his blazing
warmth. I feel every callous on his palm, every

99/755

indent and line. This is so different from our

handshake.
So, hands are real sensitive, right?
Ranik says, eyes still on the road. Touchin
peoples palms is a more powerful turn-on than
youd think. Mostly though, hands are for holding, and squeezing. If you like him, dont be too
obvious about it. But you dont wanna be flimsy,
either. Grab my hand.
I do, and he shakes it and repositions.
No, no. Too hard. You wanna be gentle
but firm, like this.

100/755

He reaches out and slides his palm perfectly into mine, our thumbs locking around each
others.
See? Now you try.
I try to slide as suavely as he did, but my
thumb gets caught on the stick and I get so panicked I pull it back slightly into park. The car
makes a screaming noise and the smell of burning tar wafts in, but Ranik quickly repositions the
stick, and it stops.
ImIm so sorry
Ranik just smirks. Hah, lookit your face.
Priceless.

101/755

Im glad my utter terror at our imminent

demise is amusing you, I snap.
Relax. Ive been drivin since I could
reach the wheel, little bumps like that aint nothing. Im just giving you a bit of shit. Its nice to
see you make a face, yanno? A real expression,
not that lonely, sad look you got on most every
other time.
Lonely? Sad? I glance in the side-view
mirror. My face is perfectly normal.
Anyway, Ranik clears his throat. You
almost had it. Try again. This time without casually tryna kill us.

102/755

My hearts pounding at the possible neardeath experience, but I slide my hand in his
again, and breathe a sigh of relief when our
thumbs come together.
Theres hope for you yet, His eyes
crinkle and his fingers move, wiggling between
mine and locking. This is a little more, uh, intimate. Pretty much means you guys are a thing.
Like, in love. Usually love. So you might wanna
save that for later down the line.
I see, I muse, staring at our interlocked
fingers. I had no idea hand holding could have
so many different meanings.

103/755

I can feel him staring at my face, but

when I look up he looks back at the road and
clears his throat, pulling his hand from mine.
Anyway, thats lesson one. You passed.
Congrats. Remind me not to give you the next
lesson in a two ton truck goin seventy miles an
hour.
Well need a private space for further
lessons. How about my dorm? Or yours.
I live off-campus, he says. So mine
would be a better option. But, shit, I want you to
be as comfortable as possible.

104/755

Again, your concern for my well-being

is very unnecessary. Youre my teacher, not my
mother.
Pftt. Whatever. I just want you to be
comfortable so youll learn quick and well get
this over with. So. Your place. Text me when
your roommates gone and well go for lesson
two, okay?
He gives me his number, and when I offer
mine, he shakes his head.
This is your show, Princess. You call the
shots. Guy like me dont got any business having
your number in my phone.

105/755

Whats that mean?

He sighs. It means I dont want you risking that squeaky clean royal reputation of yours
by bein seen in my phone, is all. Im private
with it but, you know. Word gets out fast and accidentally. And youre destined for better things
than shitty rumors, I think.
I frown. He seems down on himself. But
Ranik just laughs.
Also, shit. We really cant risk it if you
want Theo, okay? Hes not the type of guy whod
be down with a girl who was rumored to sleep
with me, true or not. We gotta be careful. Ill do

106/755

my best not to be seen comin in and out of your

place.
It sounds like you know him better than
youre letting on, I say as I get out and slam the
door. Ranik shrugs.
Weve got history, is all. Ill see you
around. With a nice fat stack of homework for
you to ace, Ace.
He salutes me facetiously, and guns off
down the road.
And I cant help but feel like Ive made
the biggest mistake of my life.

107/755

Chapter 3
You got a ride home with Ranik
Mason? Charlotte practically screeches. A few
people at the cafeteria tables look at us. I slap my
hand over her mouth.
Shut. Up.
I remove it slowly, and her eyes light up.
I I cant believeout of all the dudes
on campus, Ranik?
If you dont lower your voice right now I
will do horrible things to your eyeballs.

109/755

Okay, jeez, grumpy-pants She whispers. But Al, Ranik is really not a nice guy. Hes
more the bang em kick em out type. Giselle in
Trig 101 told me he kicked her out of his apartment the second they were done. And it was
raining!
Hes hideous, I agree. But it was raining at the bus stop, and he offered to drive me
home. That should count for something.
She grabs my hands and gets a serious
look. Promise me youll be careful. Please. The
last person you need to sleep with is Ranik,

110/755

okay? Ive heard the rumors and theyre all bad.

So please
I wont, Charlotte. Im not an idiot. You
know that.
She breathes a sigh of relief. I know
youre not an idiot. Youve got too many mathleague medals to be an idiot. Youre just a little
nave sometimes, thats all.
I almost get offended, but then I remember how clueless I was at the most basic lesson of
hand-holding yesterday. I am nave. But that only
spurs me on to learn more, better, and faster.

111/755

Ive stopped attending Mathers class entirely. I cant bear the sight of him. Ill show up
to the exam, and ace it, considering Im still
studying the book on my own. But I refuse to be
in the same room as that man. I use Mathers
period to text Ranik, instead.
I am currently wearing no panties.
I decided texting Ranik would be a good a
time as any to try out sexting like Id heard Charlotte talk about. I looked it up on Google, and this
particular phrase seemed to be a very popular
sext. His text comes seconds later.
Whos this?

112/755

It is sensible many girls would text him

with a similar phrase, enough so for him to lose
track of their names and numbers. I consider putting my real name, but then I recall were supposed to be a secret.
Your student. I was trying out sexting.
Grade me.
He has very fast thumbs.
hahah are you serious? 0/10 would not
sext again btw Im not teaching you sexting, that
shit is pre-pubescent and dumb as hell
Look at you, using hyphenated words.
Someone is smarter than they pretend to be.

113/755

He doesnt reply. I resist the temptation to

text further and instead study a little more. And
then a little more. Finally, after an hour and
twenty-two minutes, he texts back.
sorry got caught up with a friend
My thumbs are quicker. I am the last person you should feel the need to apologize to.
man, that perfect grammar is fukin intimidating. Anyway whyd u text?
Im sorry for being intimidating.
im the last person you should feel the
need to apologize 2

114/755

He throws my own words back at me, but

for some reason it makes me feel warm inside,
instead of offended.
I texted because I require lesson two. My
roommate is out at classes, and will be for another two hours.
cool. be there in ten
I havent told you my room number,
though.
He doesnt answer. The soft knock on my
door minutes later has me opening it to his face.
Hes dressed in a loose flannel shirt and black
jeans, a silver chain around his neck and his

115/755

tattoos contrasting dark against his skin. He darts

in, and I close the door behind him.
How did you know which room Im in? I
never told you that. I ask instantly. Hes too
busy looking around my room to answer. He
takes in the bed, my dresser, my desk.
I flirted it out of your dorms RA yesterday. Whoa, He marvels. Ever think over-organizing might make you look like a serial
killer?
I dont over-organize. That isnt even a
word.

116/755

You sorted your bookshelf by the Dewey

decimal system, Princess.
Many people do that.
No one actually does that.
I cross my arms over my chest. Lets just
get on with it. Whats the next lesson?
Raniks gold-green eyes look me up and
down, taking in my jeans and t-shirt. Can you
change into somethin else?
Is there something wrong with this?
Not at all, Princess. You just might want
somethin easier to take off and put back on, like
a skirt.

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I quirk a brow. Why?

He smirks, hooking his hands in his pockets. Because were gonna go shopping.
I change into a modest black pencil skirt
as he retreats to his car in the parking lot. Being
seen walking together would raise suspicions, so
I wait a few minutes, and then walk out to his
car. I spot it on the curb, and jump in. He guns
the ignition.
May I inquire where youre spiriting me
off to?
I told ya. Shoppin.
Thats so wonderfully specific of you.

118/755

He laughs. Yanno, sarcasm isnt all that

big with guys like Theo. They think its a jab at
their egos. Guys like me, yeah. Its a helluva bonus for a girl to have some spunk in her. Uh. Not
the sex kind. Or maybe the sex kind. Shit. I dug
this hole real deep.
Id throw you a rope, but youd probably
be better off hanging yourself with it.
Ouch. Youre brutal.
Is that a bad thing? Should Ishould I
tone that down?

119/755

Yeah. Theo probably wouldnt like it.

But, shit, when youre with me, dont bother.
Kinda like it.
Like it? I quirk a brow. No one has
ever liked it.
Well call me crazy - I do. Its refreshin.
No sugar-coating, no pretty lies, no pretending to
be nice to people you hate. Its lots different from
most girls. Ranik chuckles and turns the radio
on, blasting rock. His eyes flit to me. Bother
you?
No.
relaxing.

find

hideous

cacophonies

120/755

Coffins? Tone it down a notch, Princess,

getting into your weird fetishes is lesson ten at
least.
I roll my eyes and roll the window down
at the same time. His Toyota is ancient, but the
inside is neat and clean, and it drives smoother
than butter. I was expecting him to have a motorcycle, or something equally immature and lifethreatening. We finally pull into a downtown
parking lot, and he jumps out.
Cmon, haul your Princessy ass out of
there and lets go.

121/755

I groan and get out slowly. The fancy

shop in front of us has gold-plated doors and
white walls. He opens the door for me, the smell
of perfume and constant air-conditioning almost
nauseating.
I feel now would be a good time to mention I hate shopping, I say, looking at a row of
high-heeled shoes and flinching at how painful
they look. And I look very bad in girlish styles
of clothing.
What? Ranik wrinkles his nose. Who
told you that crazy nonsense?
My mother.

122/755

I shrug instead. Someone.

Well, thats crap, okay? With your figure, you could wear anything you wanted to and
pull it off.
I quirk a brow. He coughs.
Uh. Not off, as in stripping, but uh, just.
Wow. Sweird. He massages his neck, embarrassed. Somethings got me all fucked up,
tongue-wise. And I aint never fucked up that
way, ever.
Perhaps youre having a minor stroke?
May I suggest a brain scan?

123/755

He snorts. Look, were just here for a

few things. Only take a sec, and you dont gotta
pay, so try to enjoy it, okay?
What? Why am I not paying? Im going
to pay for my own
Ranik! A busty sales associate taps over
in her black high heels and a tiny blouse. Its
sooooo nice to see you again.
You too, Holly, He smirks.
I can only assume youve had intercourse, I say. Holly turns four shades of pink,
and Ranik nudges me in the ribs, hard, before
nervously laughing.

124/755

This lovely and tactful young lady here

is Alice, my, uh, cousin, and shes looking for a
starter kit. Nothing too fancy, but no grannypants, either.
Holly muses, looking me up and down,
and then claps her hands. I know just the thing.
She leads us to a table in the back, where
socks, bras, and panties are stacked artfully and
with careful preparation. Ranik motions to the
panties.
Take your pick, Princess.
He then turns to Holly and they mindlessly jabber. My fingers flit over the underwear

125/755

soft silk, high quality cottons, not too skimpy

but not as large as my current underwear. I avoid
the g-strings and thongs and find a pair that looks
like the striped one Ranik showed me, except
these stripes are pink, and the ribbon is much larger. I choke on the price tag and immediately
throw it back on the pile.
Find something you like? Ranik comes
back to me.
There is no way in Dantes seven hells
Im paying this much for underwear.
I already told you, you aint paying. So
pick a few and dont worry about it.

126/755

I refuse to let you pay. This is ridiculous.

With that money you could buy yourself a
months worth of rent. Its a pure waste.
Princess, Ranik growls. Cmon. We
have an agreement. You listen to me, you do the
lessons, you get your golden boy Theo. This is
lesson two panties and learning to let dudes do
nice things for you.
When a male does nice things for a girl,
he expects repayment, I say instantly. Usually
in the form of sexual contact. It indebts me to
them. I abhor the feeling of being indebted to
anyone.

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Jesus, He sucks in a breath. What kind

of shit did you go through to have this sorta view
on dudes?
The usual shit that every girl faces in her
life, I snarl. Which you would know, if you
stopped to consider the entire world doesnt revolve around you.
Okay, okay, He holds up his hands in
surrender. Christ, Prickly Princess, I get it. You
dont want me spending money on you. Fine. I
understand. Just wait here, then.
I pick through the pile, admiring a rosecolored pair. Instead of fabric, ribbons are on

128/755

either side, and untying them causes the panties

to come loose. Its so foreign and fascinating, it
sends a thrill of excitement through me. How
pathetic am I, in truth? Getting excited by strange
panties? Any normal girl would see these and say
oh sure, theyre cute, and feel nothing more.
Im really, truly, shamefully nave.
Ranik comes back, sauntering down the
aisle. Okay, he says. Pick four.
I told you already, Im not
Theyre free. Pick four.
Free? What are you talking about

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His fingers grab the rose-colored panties

Id been admiring. These are cute. Cmon, three
more.
Ranik
If you dont choose another in the next
five seconds, Princess, Ill choose for you.
My eyes scrabble over the pile. What did
he do to get these for free? I choose the cheapest
white pair, but he vetoes it, throwing it back on
the pile instantly and grabbing a green pair with
black pawprints on the posterior.
Those are childish! I protest. He shrugs.

130/755

You took too long. Five, four, three, two

I snatch a blue polka-dot pair. He nods in

agreement.
One more. Five, four -
The last is black, with white lace and a
white ribbon on the front. Ranik quirks a brow
appreciatively, and pats my head like Im seven.
See, that wasnt so hard, was it? Lets
bounce.
But but we have to pay

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Bye Holly, Ranik winks at her. Holly,

all smiles, blows a kiss. I stumble after him into
the car.
Ill have you know that was shoplifting,
and it is illegal. We are now criminals under federal law.
Keep your panties in your lap. Literally.
He eyes the four pairs in my lap. I just cashed a
favor in with a friend, thats all.
But
Lesson two, passed! He yells and starts
the car, pulling away. It hits me only as were
driving back onto campus.

132/755

You

you

traded

sex

for

my

underwear!
He smirks and taps out a cigarette, blowing smoke out of the open window. You didnt
want me to pay for them, right? Had to get em
somehow.
So now youre going to
Fuck Holly later tonight, yeah.
And sheshe pays you for that?
I know how to treat a girl good enough
shes willin to pay, His smirk grows. Just consider it a sign youve chosen the best teacher in
the goddamn world.

133/755

I look down at the underwear, suddenly

not wanting them anymore.
Hey, whoa, Ranik parks and looks over
at me. Whats wrong?
When I think of sex, I see it as important, and intimidating. Its a huge mountain to
scale, something I know little about but treat with
careful respect. You think of it like nothing. You
justyou just use it when its convenient for
you. Like a throwaway tool. Like a toy. Is it
everhas it ever been about love for you? At
all?
Theres a beat, and then he shrugs.

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Nah. Shit like that aint meant for guys

like me.
That sounds lonely, I say softly. You
sound so lonely.
Theres a quiet until we pull into the campus parking lot, and then we get out. Raniks
green-gold eyes are soft, tired, like hes weary
beyond imagination, and then he sputters a laugh,
putting his cigarette out under his boot. His eyes
harden again, sparking with that usual healthy
dose of mirth.
Dont waste your pity on me, Princess.
You got lots of better things to be thinkin about,

135/755

yeah? Like school, and this Theo boy. Keep

yourself focused. Thats what you do best,
right?
But
No buts. Try those panties on tonight.
Tell me which one you like best. Thats your
homework.
I watch him walk away with a strange
sinking in my chest.
Who is Ranik Mason, really?
These are the sort of dangerous questions
one simply doesnt ask at Mountford University.

136/755

But I ask Charlotte anyway over dinner pizza in

our pajamas and she frowns.
Hes a Junior. Duh.
I know that, but what else? What else do
you know about him?
She shrugs. The frats and sororities pay
him to bring alcohol for the underage pledges. He
shows up at every party with his friends and
theyve got trucks to move the kegs. Sometimes
the sororities want coke, or weed, mostly weed,
and they call him and some dealer always shows
up at the house fifteen minutes later. Hes actually pretty reliable.

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Wheres he from?
Kentucky, I think. Mississippi? Somewhere south. Youd have to ask, like, his group.
But seriously, Al, hes not the sort of guy you
want to be asking after. People might get the
wrong idea.
Is there a right idea? I ask.
Yeah, she points a slice at me, the
cheese drooping lifelessly. Its called staying the
hell away from him. What happened to Theo,
hm?
My stomach sinks. Hes beenbusy
lately.

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With Grace Thomas, yeah. Gosh, shes

so weird.
Anger flares up in me. I think shes
amazing.
Charlotte looks thoroughly embarrassed.
Oh. I just thought, since shes trying to bag
Theo, that youd
Appreciate you insulting her? No. I happen to think shes a wonderful person. I am, in
fact, trying to become more like her. More open.
And cheerful.
Charlotte pokes at my scowl. Good job
so far, nerd.

139/755

I stuff pizza in my mouth and Charlotte

leaves for the library to do homework. I settle
down at my desk to do the same eyeing Raniks
fifteen-page psychology essay due next week.
His major is psychology, and from all the extra
classes hes having me do work for, I can tell
hes aiming for pediatric psychology specifically.
Which is a surprise, considering he looks more
like a convict than a child shrink.
I complete his work, checking and double
checking my facts and citations. Satisfied its
both flawless and disguised as something Ranik
could feasibly do, I move on to my own

140/755

assignments. My phone vibrates halfway through

my Calc three work.
cmon princess, which undies do u like
best
I roll my eyes and text back.
If I didnt know better, Id almost say you
were a random pervert texting me in the middle
of the night.
gasp! im offended. im your teacher, not
some pervert. oh wait, your teacher is a pervert.
Mathers. I flinch. Ranik texts quickly.

141/755

Speaking of which, I heard u aint been

going to mathers anymore. Good. youre wiser
than I gave u credit for
Wise? I scoff. Im plenty wise.
haha nah youre smart
Im about to text back when he texts.
wise is something different. im wise, but I
aint smart you dig?
No, I dont dig at all. You are bizarre and
you have horrible grammar and your definitions
are vague and confusing.
u know what aint confusing tho, u telling
me which panties u like best. lets hear it

142/755

I screw my face up and remind myself

sharing this private and slightly lewd information
with the campus playboy is for Theo.
The rose-colored ones. With the ties on
the side.
hah! knew it
Knew what?
even if ur a late-bloomer, u got good
taste. now pop quiz; which one do u think Theo
will like best?
I get up and rifle through the bag. The
polka dots, maybe? I try to think of Grace, what

143/755

type of underwear she might wear. Something

fun and bright.
The pawprint ones. I answer.
bzzzzt, wrong
Wrong? I know Theo would like them. I
am sure of it!
oh ur right tho. The pawprint is sorta immature and cute hed dig it like hell
Then why did you say I was wrong?
the correct answer for any girl lookin for
a healthy relationship would be: his favorite
panties are my favorite panties.
Why?

144/755

because dudes who get off on their girl

bein happy are good dudes who deserve you
Im quiet, staring at the text as another
one comes in.
but ur all gung ho about pleasing this guy
so youd probably just pretend the pawprint was
your favorite even tho you hate them
Isnt that what relationships are about?
Compromise?
hah. dunno never been in one. i sure as
shit hope not that sounds boring as hell
I feel my face heat out of anger. Ive read
many books on relationships by the worlds

145/755

leading anthropology experts. Compromise is a

sign of a mature love. Its telling that a vital aspect of mature relationships sounds boring to
you.
princess, I dunno shit. u and theo are the
ones whore gonna go off and have a mature relationship or whatever im just here 2 teach u the
dirty bits. word of advice; if u wanna really
learn, like from real life, lay off the fuckin books.
this is one area of life that cant be studied from a
textbook
Anything can be learned from a textbook.

146/755

He sends a poop emoji. I roll my eyes as

the next text comes in.
speakin of textbooks u got my work done?
Yes. You may pick it up after our next
lesson.
sweet thanks cause I need it real soon
I return to my calculus work, but a nagging inquiry harries the back of my brain. I wince
and try to concentrate, but it demands attention. I
finally give in, texting one last question.
Which ones do you like best?

147/755

His reply comes in the form of a phone

call. It startles me, but I compose my voice and
pick up.
Hello?
Hi, whoever this is, can you fucking
leave us alone? A womans voice on the other
end says. I recognize it instantly as Holly. Were
kind of busy.
She hangs up, and I listen to the empty dialtone for a few seconds in shock. How could I
have forgotten? Hed traded sex for those same
underwear on my bed. I shoot them a nasty look,
and catch myself wondering why I feel the need

148/755

to be nasty at all. Ranik is his own person the

fact he traded material goods for sex is an indicator of his experience. Women are willing to give
him something pay him, essentially - to have
sex with him. That in itself is the best sign I
could hope for, like he said, that I picked the
right teacher of attraction. So why is there a sour
taste in my mouth at the thought of it? And why
does his face when I said he was lonely haunt me
behind my eyelids?
Hours later, when my homework is done,
I return from the showers to find two texts on my
phone.

149/755

sorry about that, princess, kicked her out

fast as I could
The second text makes the tight knot of
confusion in my chest untie itself, loosening and
letting me sleep that much easier.
i like the rose ones, too

Chapter 4

The nights clear and star-studded. I light

a cigarette and watch the smoke spiral into the
full moon. Full moons always make me antsy
always have, ever since I was a kid watching em
from trailer park windows. They fill me up with
some kinda wild hunger for air, and darkness,
and silence. No people. No bullshit. Just stars and
trees. Full moonlight makes me feel like running
off into the woods and never coming back.

151/755

My posse and I wait around my truck for

a call from a sorority house. We made a pit stop
at the local liquor store and piled Trents truck
high with the stuff. Now all thats left is to sneak
it on campus and into the house easy enough
with a few tarps and a signal from our buyers.
Trent leans on his red truck, the monster
even more massive and pimped out than mine, all
chrome wheels and sweet LED baseboard lights.
Trent and Ive known each other since kindergarten. Hes fat where Im lean, hes nice where
Im mean. We balance each other out. He shaves
his head bald, his eyes a cool-ass bottle-green

152/755

color, and his meaty arms stick out of his black

shirt.
My phone buzzes with a text. I whip it out
quick and glance at it. Its Alice.
Isnt the homework Ive done due tomorrow? You should come and pick it up. On that
note, do you have any idea when our next lesson
is going to be? I dont mean to sound pushy, but I
feel Im ready to continue.
course u mean 2 sound pushy I text back.
ur scared Theos gonna get snatched up before u
can get to him.

153/755

Her reply is wet-cat angry. I dont see

how my fears are any of your business.
chill, princess. next lessonll be soon i
promise
Whos that blowing up your phone
lately? Trent asks. I scoff and lean against his
truck.
None of your business, buttass.
Oooh, so touchy! And original with the
insults, too. Its like youre a perfect gentleman
or something. Miranda flips her pink hair over
her shoulder and laughs. Is it a new lay?

154/755

Mirandas a little less familiar to me.

Shes Trents cousin, so I only saw her during
summers when shed come to his house for the
yearly family reunions. Shes short and prefers
heels with spikes, her eyes the same bright green
and her hair long and dyed cotton-candy pink.
I bet its Kara. Youve been tryna bag
her for months, Sam, his dark skin and tattoos
practically glowing under the streetlight, smirks.
Sams the newest guy in our group dating Miranda since freshmen year. But hes cool. He
moves like a well-muscled tiger, and wears big
horn-rimmed glasses and Metallica shirts. Hes

155/755

pretty laid-back, until you start talking about

music.
Cheerleader captain Kara? Incredible.
Who knew shed stoop so low. Miranda looks
impressed and massages Sams shoulders idly.
Nobodys stooping, I snarl. Just
fuckin drop it.
You text her back a lot, Trent muses.
Should I call a reporter? I can see the headline
now; Ranik Mason, Giving A Shit About A Woman For The First Time In His Life Miracle, or
Manipulation?

156/755

Guess Kara must have more to her than

her tits, Sam says, lighting his own cigarette.
Nah, its just the tits, Miranda determines. Have you seen those things? Theyd make
up for at least four whole character flaws.
They arent bigger than Hollys. Seth
frowns. Miranda scoffs.
Hollys the queen of tits, though. Karas
more likemore like the duchess. Oh, and remember Hasfah? With the rad head scarves?
Damn, she came close to being the princess
Whenever youre done goin through my
bangin history, I snarl and put my cigarette out.

157/755

There isnt enough time in the universe

to go through your banging history, Trent
laughs.
Were just giving you shit, Miranda
quips and punches my arm playfully. Its nice to
actually see you talking to a girl instead of just
texting her for a bootycall.
How do you know its a girl? Sam
smirks.
Its a man, I insist. A huge, hairy-ass
man.
This huge hairy-ass man sure makes you
smile a lot, Trent mutters.

158/755

Get off my dick, okay? Its nobody

important.
Sam chuckles, and looks towards the
well-lit sorority house practically hemorrhaging a
party. We gonna do this, or what?
I check my phone just in time to see
Rachels text; All clear. I turn to the others.
Yeah, lets pony up. Trent, grab the keg.
Miranda, get the bottles. Sam and I will bring the
cooler in, I direct. We trudge up the lawn, girls
in pearls and tight dresses and dudes in polo
shirts and gelled hair wrinkling their noses at our

159/755

ripped jeans and black leather jackets. I knock on

the door, and it flings open.
Ranik! Rachael, her black hair short
and her cheeks apple-adorable, smiles at me.
Thank you for coming so soon!
Snothing, sweetheart. Whats tonights
theme? Dress up like the entire Republican
party?
She laughs. Its a 50s theme.
I jerk my head at Trent, and he muscles
through the door with the keg, Rachael stepping
aside and shouting directions over the booming
music.

160/755

Just put it in the kitchen! Yep, right

there!
Miranda slinks past her disdainfully, putting the bottles on the counter. She never pretends to like my past one-night stands. Rachael,
oblivious, directs me and Sam to drop the cooler
in the living room. Every prep in here is shooting
looks at us. Even the beer pong game pauses
briefly to ogle Trents size and my tattoos.
Um, Rachael pulls out her wallet and
gives me a hundred. Thats for you. Thanks
again. No one else could bring so much so fast.

161/755

Theres a silence as I glare at the party

around us, daring them to say something. Finally,
Trent, ever-diplomatic and keen to keep me out
of a fight, slaps my shoulder. He can smell tension like a bloodhound.
We should get going.
Bye, losers, Miranda blows everyone a
kiss as she backs out of the door, Sam close on
her heels. Rachael grabs my sleeve as I follow.
Um. You could stay! If you want.
I raise my eyebrow. Yeah? You sure
about that?

162/755

She nods vigorously. Nobody will bother

you. Promise.
I spot someone very familiar over her
shoulder blonde hair, blue eyes. I flash a smile
down at her.
Sure. Ill stay for a bit.
Trent pokes his head back in the house.
What, dude? Cmon, lets go. We were gonna
hook up the Xboxes on a LAN and play Left for
Dead.
You guys go ahead. Ill meet you back
home.

163/755

Trent shakes his head. Alright, man.

Your funeral.
What are they gonna do, throw trust
funds at me? Ill be fine. Just get outta here.
Trent laughs and leaves, his truck giving a
guttural roar as it pulls out of the driveway. The
party starts up again, people turning back to mind
their own goddamn business like they should. I
pour myself a drink and head for the familiar face
by the pool outside.
Yo, I say. Theo turns, eyes widening
when he sees me. He offers me a hand to shake.
Hes every girls wet dream chiseled jaw,

164/755

soulful blue eyes, and a big dumb warm grin.

Hes harmless-looking and eager, like a fuckin
golden retriever.
Ranik! Wow, how are you? Its been a
while.
Three years, give or take, I shove my
free hand in my pocket. His handsome face gets
sad.
And Im sorry about that. Really, I am

I shrug. Eh. Dont worry about it. College is a pretty crazy time. People drift apart. Its
whatever.

165/755

Still, Theo frowns. We went to the

same high school, and were here in the same
college, too. I should say hello more often.
Howve you been?
We didnt cruise the same circles in our
high school him with the clever AP videogamers, me with the almost-dropout potheads.
But sometimes parties would draw us in and
wed see each other in the overlap. Id shared a
beer with him, and a few interestin drunk conversations. But they were always a little tense.
Unavoidable, I guess. Swhat happens when two
people from opposite sides of the tracks meet.

166/755

Oh, you know, I shrug. Providin my

services, peddlin my wares.
So I see, Theo chuckles. Just like your
Dad.
I cant stop the cold ice that lashes out
from my tongue. Im nothin like that fucker.
Theo flinches. Right. Shit, youre right.
Im sorry. Im just messing this whole thing up,
arent I? Ive been told I always say the wrong
thing at the wrong time.
I study his Abercrombie-model face. He
obviously said something right at the right time
for Alice to fall in love with him as much as she

167/755

has. Or maybe it was just his face. Who am I kiddin - of course it was his face. His face and his
polo shirts and his charity fundraisers and his 4.0
GPA. But then again, Alice aint the type to go
for boys shallowly like that. Shes too clever.
Looks wouldnt keep her around for long. Hes
got brains, too. Big, massive brains thatre five
times smarter than mine.
Sfine, I grunt. I mess up a lot too. Its
whatever.
Theo looks relieved, and breaks the tension by nodding at Rachel.

168/755

So? You and her a thing? I saw you

talking.
I smirk. No ones ever my thing for long,
buddy. You know that.
Theo laughs. Its true. I pity the trail of
girls you leave behind. I guess theyre just too
stupid to know better. Or maybe desperate for attention. Probably both.
His tone is so fuckin hoity-toity I wanna
punch it all out of him. But I keep my hand still
as I can. He hates my flings, always has. He was
there to see my string of girls in high school, too.
He judges them harsh and mean because theyve

169/755

slept with me. Because his high school crush

slept with me, and he was forced to date his
second choice. Im a walking WARNING sign,
and my yellow paint is contagious and rubs off
on whoever sleeps with me.
Theo, oblivious to my anger, pulls in a
girl from the crowd by the shoulders.
Ranik, this is Grace. Grace, this is
Ranik, a friend of mine from high school.
Graces hair is black and long, glossy,
with one playful purple streak in it. Her eyes are
chocolate, round and warm. In an army surplus
jacket and red skinny jeans, she stands out from

170/755

the horde of dirty-blonde, cocktail-dress sorority

girls. Everything about her screams CUTE! and
QUIRKY!, from her combat boots to her fox
necklace to her neon fingernails.
Hi, Grace smiles. Oh wow, your tattoos are hells awesome!
Shes not my type. The farthest thing
from it, actually. But even that cant stop me
from catching her enthusiasm bug.
Shit, thanks. Took a lot of work and
money.
I bet! My brother got a dragon on his
hand, and that took two whole months. You were

171/755

probably stuck in the tattoo shop for a year with

that rose on your neck! Did it hurt?
I smile crookedly. Like a bitch. But thas
the point, aint it? She furrows her eyebrows,
confused. I mean, whatever youre gettin tattooed on your skin permanently should be important to you. So important youre willing to go
through the pain of it.
Shes quiet. I can tell she aint struck
quiet all that often. Theo laughs, and looks at her.
Hey, did you get enough to eat?
Grace nods. Yup! Ill go back for
seconds later, the seven layer dip is like seven

172/755

layers of heavenly bliss. And fat. But mostly

bliss.
We all chuckle, and I brave the invisibleass elephant question in the room. Soare you
guysdating?
Grace and Theo turn identical shades of
red.
W-What? Grace stutters. No! I mean,
um. No way. Im kind of in the process of getting
over someone. So.
Theo cant look at her, staring at the ceiling instead. I force a chuckle.

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Right. Sorry. Didnt mean to get all up in

your business. I was just confused.
Grace clears her throat and motions to the
pool. Im gonna go stick my feet in it. Um. Ill
see you two later.
Theo watches her trot off, then turns to
me, his eyes narrow.
I dont want to be rude, but
I slap his back. Nah, dont worry about
it. I know I got a reputation. She aint my type,
okay? Shes all yours. I was just wonderin is
all.

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Theo relaxes visibly. Alright. Itsits

hard. She just got out of a two year relationship,
but we really like each other. She even told me
she likes me.
Someone calls out to Theo, and he waves
at them before looking at me.
Look, I need to go. Ill see you around,
yeah?
Yeah man, later.
I nurse my drink and make my way
through the crowd, people parting for me. The
girls eye me like a nice steak, and the guys eye
me like they wanna stake me. Which is nothin

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unusual. Nobody will make the first move,

though. They aint drunk enough yet. That means
I still got time to do some research.
I watch Grace out of the corner of my
eye. So this is the girl whos after Theo short,
button-cute, unavailable; basically the perfect
manic pixie dream girl and the polar opposite of
Alice. No wonder she freaked and asked me to
teach her how to seduce. But now that I can see
the competition, I know its a lost cause. Grace is
the type to jump from relationship to relationship,
never single for real long, and with that cute ass
face, Im willin to bet shes been in more than a

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few rodeos. She knows how it works, how the

game of pull-and-push and Im-not-ready-butIll-keep-you-hanging-to-make-you-want-memore works. She has Theo wrapped around her
finger already, knowingly or unknowingly.
A blonde with an impressive ass leans on
the same wall as me, and shoots me a smile. I
raise an eyebrow at her, and go back to studying
Grace. I know her type; always unfulfilled, always dating boys who are too-sweet, ready to die
for her, and blinded by love. Boys whose heads
she can mess with, because she enjoys the feeling
of power. Shed never date someone like me oh

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no. She targets the easily-manipulated, the easily

tortured. She knows any boy with half a brain
would call her on her shit, and the game would
be over, so she steers way clear of em.
Alice, on the other hand, is a total noob.
Theo, despite his model-face, is a bit of a noob
too. Hes looking for someone who will love him
with all the dreamy straight-white-guy-meets-girl
movie romance he grew up watching. He wants
to save Grace from the pain of endin her past relationship. Grace is the perfect slot he wants to
fill. Sexually. And also not-sexually.

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Alice dont stand a chance. She has no

idea how the boy-girl, want-me-want-you game
works, or that there even is a fuckin game. Shes
whole and complete on her own organized as
hell and focused on her future. She doesnt need
a man. But she wants one. One specific one.
Shes not a girl coyly searching for the perfect
gullible boy she can toy with emotionally for her
amusement. She just straight likes Theo. Im almost a little jealous of how pure and straightforward her crush is. The rest of us forget what
thats like, or it gets twisted up and deformed as
life makes us bitter and experienced.

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Youre Ranik Mason, right? The blonde

next to me is suddenly a helluva lot closer. Her
green dress matches her heavy-makeuped eyes,
and her breath smells like booze and vanilla lip
gloss.
The one and only, I smirk.
Ive heard a lot about you, She purrs,
rubbing against my crotch with her thigh. Its forward and typical and real borin of her. I cant
even get a chubby from it, its so bland.
Whatever you heard aint shit, I say.
Im more interested in what you heard about
Alice Wells.

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Alice? The girl taps her chin. Never

heard of oh, wait, shes that loner glasses girl in
Elizas World History class. Really bitchy and
mean. Shes a total suck-up to the professors. I
mean, shes smart, but you cant really get that
many

good

grades

without

some.extracurriculars, if you know what I

mean.
How the fuck do people assume that?
Alice works her ass off for what she has. Shed
never stoop to sleeping with her teachers. Her
sleazy-ass teacher tried to sleep with her!

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But lets backtrack, The girl leans in.

The rumors about you are much more
interesting.
I duck out of her grasp, and smirk.
Were done here. And for the record
you can fuck off with the gossip. Alice dont do
shit like that.
Ranik Mason is supposed to bed girls,
not defend them, She retorts. I move back in,
my lips almost grazing hers. Her breath catches.
Is that what you want? I whisper. You
want me to fuck you? We could do it, right here.

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No ones watching this little corner. You want to

see what all the fuss is about, dont ya?
Her blue eyes glint, and I move in to kiss
her, hovering just in front of her face. Her chest
rises and falls quick with barely-hidden lust. I
lean in just a little more, nearly touching her lips,
and pull away quick with a nasty smirk.
Tough shit.
Hey! A Captain-America-looking guy
in a button-up shirt swaggers down the hall towards us. Get away from my girlfriend,
asshole!

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Who? I smile, looking behind me. Oh,

blondie? Nah, youve got it all wrong. She was
hitting on me, not the other way around.
Thats a lie! The girl shrieks from behind me. Brandon, hes lying!
Sweetie, its bad enough being a gossip dont add liar to the list, I say. Brandon lurches
for me, but Ive been in more fights than hes
ever seen in his life. Ive fought guys five times
his size, and twice as fast, and my dad was the
biggest and fastest bastard of them all. In two
quick hits I knee him in the gut, and shove my elbow into his spine. He collapses over the

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banister, groaning. The girl turns on me, too, all

painted claws and sparkly war-paint, but I
sidestep her and hightail it to the back door.
I step around the pool, and I can feel
Graces eyes on my back as blondie shrieks and
curses me out from inside the house. I salute
Grace.
Try to go easy on Theo, love. I call.
Ive gotta girl who needs him more than you
do.
She sits there, head cocked curiously. I
scale the hedges with an easy leg-up, and melt into the dark night.

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***

While I wait for Raniks next lesson over

the course of several days, I realize there is a
problem. Grace is a very small girl. Shes petite,
and I tower over her by a good seven inches.
Theo hasnt spoken of his old girlfriend in high
school much to me, but he did mention she was
short as well.
Im five feet ten inches.
Im far too tall to be considered a short
girl.

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Therefore, itd be correct to assume I

dont fit his apparent criteria of being small.
Grace is also thin like a bird, fragile and delicatelooking, and I used to be a swimmer, with a thick
torso and thighs. I begin to be more conscious of
this than Id like, and I start skipping breakfast
my favorite meal. It isnt much, but hopefully it
will be enough to shed some unwanted girth.
But is it worth it?
I shake my head. Of course it is. Theo is
important. Theo is the only one who doesnt
think Im strange. Hes the only one who may

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ever like me, in my entire life. I cant mess this

up.
Theo is, as usual, at the radio station. Its
housed in the auditorium, just off the main entrance. The room is all red velvet carpet and
wood paneled rooms. Booths with high-tech microphones and expensive-looking soundboards
and computers litter the landscape. Tattered show
flyers and high-quality speakers adorn the walls.
I knock softly on his booth, and the door
opens after a few seconds. Theo answers it, a
smile blossoming on his face. Hes wearing a

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beige sweater that only shows off his impressive

chest, a pair of heavy earphones around his neck.
Alice, hey.
Good afternoon, I smile, then battle
with my thoughts. Good afternoon is too formal.
Grace would never say something like that. I take
a breath and make my voice lighter, sweeter.
Hi!
Theo just smiles bigger. Come on in.
He closes the door behind me. Leather
chairs sit around a desk, microphones suspended
from miniature iron cranes around the room. I inhale the smell discreetly tea tree oil and coffee.

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Theos smell. He takes a seat and fiddles with his

soundboard, long fingers graceful.
Did I I hope I didnt interrupt anything
important.
Not at all. Theo motions for me to sit.
I was just checking the levels for Mondays
recording.
I fidget with my bag, the gesture very unlike me. Theo sees it, and frowns.
Everything okay?
I am fine. Too formal! I smile. Im
okay!

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Alright, He grins, and goes back to his

soundboard. I watch him work with it as he runs
a song through it, adjusting the treble and bass
accordingly.
I I know this song, I say. Girl Sailor,
by the Shins.
He looks up, smile now brilliant. Yeah.
You like them?
Theyre so ambient, I sigh. I especially
enjoy the harmonic frequencies in the entirety of
the Shoots Too Narrow album. The serialism
they orchestrate is a fantastic representation of
the twelve-tone technique in modern music.

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Theres a silence. Theo blinks at me.

I-I mean I swallow hard, grasping
blindly for something more simple, more Graceesque.

like

them

so

much.

Theyreawesome!
Theos shock thaws, and he laughs.
Yeah. Me too. Im more of a Wincing the Night
Away guy, but Shoots Too Narrow is cool. I got
to see them live when I was in high school.
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Have you ever been to one of their
shows?
I flush. No. Regrettably.

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Whats the last concert you went to,

then?
I dont Ive never gone to a concert.
My mother doesnt like them much.
Really? He laughs. My parents were
total sticklers, too. Very Christian. I had to sneak
out to get to The Shins. Ranik helped me.
Ranik? I perk up. Ranik Mason?
The man himself, Theo nods. We
knew each other back in high school. Hes a good
guy.

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Good? I quirk a brow. Surely youre

talking

about

someone

else.

Someone

lessRanik-y.
Theo chuckles. Youd be surprised. Lots
of people dont give him a chance because of the
way he looks. Thats sort of a thing with him. So
he just got used to acting tough, since everybody
judged him all the time anyway.
I frown. Theo adjusts the soundboard,
then swears.
Damn.
Whats wrong? I ask.

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I think this fader is stuck. He puts his

tongue between his teeth, and pushes. It doesnt
budge. Can you hold the board while I pull it?
Of course. I make my way over to his
chair, gripping the edges of the board. Hes very
close the heat of his body radiating through my
jacket and into my chest. I can see every bit of
stubble, every laugh-line around his eyes. Im so
distracted that when he pulls Im not holding
hard enough, and my grip slips and I crash into
the chair, and Theos lap. Theres a molasses-like
moment in which I feel his heat and bulge against
my jeans, our skin separated only by cloth and

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his tea tree smell everywhere around me. And

then I remember myself and jump up.
Im so sorry! I didnt mean to let go!
Theo smiles, ruffling his hair. His face is
flushed.
Its fine. Nothing was broken. He
scoots forward and pulls at the fader. It moves
smoothly. And see? We fixed it. With a bit of
trial and error.
He winks at me, and I feel myself melting
in my shoes. My blood pumps hotter, and I grab
my bag and race to the door.

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Im sorry! I blurt, and run out. Only

when my embarrassed feet have taken me across
campus and to the safety of my bed do I collapse
and start to breathe correctly again. What just
happened? I ran from the room like a skittish
child, without hardly an explanation. Theo must
be so confused, and if he doesnt dislike me for
it, it will be a miracle. Grace would never run
away like that. She wouldve had some clever
little jab to retort back at him, or perhaps she
wouldve stolen the moment bravely and given
him a kiss.

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My blush resumes its fiery course across

my entire body. Theos scent hasnt yet faded
from my clothes. His body felt so warm, so tense.
If I close my eyes I can remember every muscle
in his arms and arc of bone in his hips
I snap out of the strange reverie, flushed
and confused. What am I doing, daydreaming
about the man I have a crush on? I sit at my desk
and try to distract myself by studying, but Theos
scent clouds my thoughts. Finally, in a last-ditch
attempt to get my mind off him, I pull out my poetry diary.

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I normally dont write poetry. After Dad

was arrested, Mom always called it a waste of
time, and would burn any journals of mine she
found with poetry in them. Id learned to hide my
poetry elsewhere on the inside of my textbook
covers, on slips of paper in my pockets, on bathroom walls at school in the form of graffiti Mom
would certainly never approve of. But I did keep
the graffiti neat, and I was always sure to go back
and scrub it out after a few weeks. It was a risk I
had to take, since I was given so few other safe
places to keep my secret passion a secret.

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Determined to blow the academic competition out of the water at Mountford within the
first semester, Id shoved poetry aside in favor of
studying hard. That hasnt changed, but I do find
myself doodling in my notebook as I study random verses, words that make images.
Sweet and soft like coming spring,
Kindness sprouts roots and wings of leaf
An eagle gold, king of hearts and minds,
cuts air
Below him, the sparrow of injured wing
Gentle claws make a cage, strong and
true

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And thus the broken heal safe.

After its all out, I grimace with the realization it subtly refers to Theo as a golden eagle,
and myself as a sparrow. Why had I given myself
an injured wing? Even I cant answer that, and it
disturbs me that my well-organized mind has no
immediate answer for a question, especially that
question. I ferret the poem away in my notebook
where I keep all my poetry. The cover is black
with purple daises, and its locked. I tuck the key
to it back under my shirt, where it hangs from a
slender chain.

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I turn in early, Charlotte mysteriously absent. Shed mumbled something about a party
and left, but she usually came back earlier than
this. Id seen her texting someone named Nate,
so I can only assume shes preoccupied with him
at the moment. Im happy that shes found
someone shes liked, and jealous at the same
time. If only it was as easy to acquaint myself
with boys as it was for Charlotte. Maybe then, Id
have more experience. Maybe then I wouldnt
have run out of Theos studio like a beheaded
chicken.

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Outside, the sun is long set. Im surprised

to find its nearly one in the morning writing
poetry sucked time from me like an hourglass. I
pull on my pajamas a grey tank top and comfortable shorts. My eyes flicker to the pajamas in
Charlottes closet; frilly pink camisoles and silky
shifts in all colors of the rainbow. Grace probably
has terribly cute pajamas something with cartoon characters on them, playfully mismatching
colors, of course. I glare at my dull tank top and
collapse into bed.
In the dim lamplight, its even easier to
imagine Theos smell, his body. Blushing

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furiously, I let my fingers wander. I may be inexperienced, but Im no stranger to pleasuring myself. In high school it was merely about experimentation, and mechanical release as I quelled
my teenage hormones. I still have those hormones, but this is something entirely different.
This strange, lingering heat is the first time a boy
has ever struck such a cord in my body.
The room only gets hotter, and I only become more breathless.

***

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I stare up at Alices window and curse

myself out. I shoulda listened to Trent and left
early. At least then the girls dorm would still be
unlocked. But now I gotta do everything the old
fashioned way, just cause I wanted a little chat
with golden-ass Theo.
I pick up a pebble and chuck it, but with
my shitty aim it misses. The vodka and cran I had
at the party aint helping my aim neither. I throw
another one, and another, and swear out whatever
stuffy old architecture dude decided to make this
building three floors. Shes on the second, ninth
one down on the left. I know shes up the

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windows lit by soft lamplight. But she aint returning any of my texts. Probably got her pretty
head stuck in studying the asscrack of Alexander
the Great or something, knowin her. Or maybe
shes pissed about me telling her to chill. But I
need my homework, and I need it tonight. Aint
getting it aced by the smartest girl in school just
to get an F for not turning it in.
I spot the little weird stone ledges that
make the walls look fancy, and grab one. Its
sturdy enough. Between that and the solid drainage pipe, I make my way up seven feet and reach
my hand out to knock on the window. But I never

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quite get to. My eyes get there first and I almost

choke.
Through the gauzy curtains I see Alice on
her bed, gray tank top hiked above her breasts
and her hand in her pants. Her golden hairs all
splayed around her pillow, some of it sticking to
her blushing cheeks. I feel like a creepy sleazer
for staring, but I cant tear my eyes away from
her perfect chest or her trembling hips. If
someone killed me right now, my ghost would
probably just keep starin forever and not even
care. And its not the fact shes gettin off that
Im stuck on, its the fact shes so damn pretty

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doing it. Without her glares and her glasses and

her strict, no-nonsense buns, shes fucking gorgeous. Shes a painting come to life by those
stuffy old Renaissance dudes, all milky cream
skin and soft curves and angelic goddess beauty.
C cups? No, D? Who gives a shit, theyre huge
and flawlessly round, with pink nipples so fucking cute I can barely stand it. Her waist aint tiny,
but its still the perfect size for cupping with a
hand. Her lips are open a little, her eyes closed.
The idiots in her high school musta been out of
their fuckin minds to have ignored her. Somebody lock Theo up, cause hes clinically insane

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for choosin Grace over her. Her legs are so goddamn long and strong as they twist in the sheets,
and I imagine them on my back, wrapped around
me tight like ivory chains I would never, ever try
to escape. For a girl whos got no experience,
shes real good at pleasing herself every motion
her hand makes sends her into a panting frenzy.
My cock lets me know its wide awake by
tenting my damn pants. If I was woozy from the
booze before, I sure as hell aint anymore. Im on
point, hard and sharp and aching to pounce. And
Im so distracted I dont remember Im standin
on two inches of plaster. I slip and catch the

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drainage pipe and ease myself down. When Im

not in the process of fallin to my death, I lean
against the wall and laugh breathlessly as I realize my crazy hard-ons still with me, near-death
experience and all.
Shes right up there. Alice Wells, smart as
a whip and pretty as a goddamn picture, is right
above me, fucking herself with those slender fingers I got to hold in the car. I look down at the
hand she touched, and groan as I unzip my fly.
Halfway to grabbing myself, I shake my head.
Shit. Shit, what am I doing?

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Am I really gonna get myself off right

here, under her window? How creepy and weird
can I fucking get? Shes trustin me to teach her,
not take advantage of her. And jackin off to her
somehow feels like taking advantage. Peeking in
her window and seeing her getting off and getting
hard from it all feels like taking advantage of her.
Of her innocence, her inexperience. I promised I
wouldnt try to fuck her, didnt I? She made me
promise, the first day. And thinking about fuckin
her while beating off is just as bad as trying to
actually fuck her.

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But shed be perfect. Shed be damn gorgeous under me, and Id make her beg for it, or
with her attitude shed make me beg for it, or
maybe wed take turns, I dont fuckin know, but
my dick sure does. For all her sass and vinegar, I
know shes got that sweet side, the one she reserves for Theo. Ive seen the blushes. And more
than that, Ive seen her effort. A girl who aint
never even kissed before must be terrified and
uncomfortable, but shes forcing herself through
my lessons anyway. Because thats just how far
shes willing to go for the guy she likes. Shes

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willing to sacrifice everything for him her comfort, her fear, even her precious dignity.
No girl would ever do that for me.
I laugh and mess up my hair. Im not the
kind of guy girls do that for. Girls dont love me,
they lust me. They let me fuck em, sure, but
nothing more than that. No heart stuff. No soft
stuff. They never stay for breakfast, or they kick
me out before breakfast. They know Im the type
to ruin lives, so they keep far away, and theyre
right to do it. Dont wanna ruin anybodys life
like Ive fucked up mine. Im not goin places
anytime fast. Or, as my dear old Pops used to

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say; The only place youre goin in life is

straight to jail, you little bitch.
I shake my head. Im a jerk. And if standin under this window is any evidence, Im also a
buzzed-ass perv. I somehow make it home by
hitchhiking with an old man and his dog as far as
the supermarket. I stumble in the apartment door,
past the kitchen counter crowded with beer and
wine bottles. The whole place smells like macaroni and Monster drinks, the Xbox controllers
strewn everywhere. I shuffle past Miranda and
Seths room and Trents room, and collapse into
my bed. The white ceiling aint nothing but a

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theater screen for my mind to play memories on.

Alice. Alices hair, the curve of her tremblin
hips, the wet glistening bits of her fingers
I pull myself out and pump furiously. My
cock dont stand a chance.
Im s-sorry, I have the decency to say.
Im real sorry about this, Princess.
One last memory of her pretty face lookin all flushed and pleased, and I lose it all over
my hand, fast and hot and sweet like a wildfire in
summer.

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Chapter 5
Ranik texts me in the morning to meet
him at a certain table outside F-building. He
needs his homework for his first period. I jog
there, breathless by the time I reach the wroughtiron table. Ranik looks relaxed and arrogant as
ever in a leather jacket and his ripped jeans.
Here, I pass him the manila folder with
his report in it. Two reports and one essay. Annotated and duplicated for your reference.

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Ranik pulls out a breakfast burrito from

his jacket at the same time as he pulls out a few
pages from the folder. His green-gold eyes scan
the first few lines, and he smiles.
Well strike me deaf, dumb, and blind.
You even made it sound like me.
Hideous accent notwithstanding, I correct, and sit opposite him.
You dont find my Louisiana accent
charmin?
I find nothing about you charming. Except for the prospect that youll leave me alone
shortly.

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He shakes his head, dark hair falling into

his eyes as he smiles.
So. Whatdya think about the beach?
You cant be serious.
Ranik smirks at me over his breakfast
burrito. Dead serious.
I adjust my glasses and glower at my chai
latte and chocolate muffin.
Youre interrupting my favorite meal of
the day to tell me I have to come to the beach
with you?
Breakfash iz your favorid mee? Ranik
says through a graceful mouthful of egg.

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Dont change the subject, I snap. I

cant go to the beach with you.
He swallows, green-gold eyes going
wide. Why not? Its a lesson. And sunny Octobers dont last forever, Princess. Youre gonna
regret not goin when were stuck with rain and
clouds twenty-four-seven.
I cant go. I repeat sternly.
Uh, but you can.
I wont go, then, I snap. I refuse to
go.
Ranik sighs and sits back, crumpling his
burrito foil into a ball. Never met a girl who

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hates the beach like you. Even the cute book-y

ones like to read in the sand.
I like reading in the sand. I justdislike
the ocean.
I hate swimming in front of boys, I mentally finish. Ranik raises an eyebrow.
Why? You afraid someones gonna
laugh at you in your swimsuit?
I flinch, and Ranik sighs.
Did some little cockhead make fun of
you at the beach or somethin?
No. And dont say that word.
What word? Cock?

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I flush, hard. Raniks eyebrow goes even

higher, and a smirk forms.
Alright, fine. Ill find another place for
the lesson.
His acceptance is so abrupt, Im shocked.
Arent you curious? I ask. Why I dislike it?
Yeah. But thats your business. I hate
pryin into other peoples business.
And Im sure you hate other people prying into yours.
He nods. I scoff.

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Its hard to believe the criminally womanizing blackmailer Ranik Mason is a private
person.
Why, my darlin little ice queen, what
are you tryna say? His eyes twinkle. Doesnt
say nowhere in the rulebook a guy cant be infamous and private at the same time. I play my
cards close to my chest.
Close enough that you scared Mathers,
certainly.
Mathers had it coming. Hes been hitting
on the smarter girls since last year.

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Ah, right. Youve been here for years. I

keep forgetting youre a Junior. I blame the constant immaturity.
Instead of looking hurt or offended like
most boys do, Ranik laughs.
Sure, princess. Im the immature one.
Why are you laughing? Its true.
His gold-rimmed eyes fix on me, sharp
jaw shadowed by the early-morning sun coming
through the hall windows. Im not the one who
cant say cock without turning five shades of
red.

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I can say it. Penis, I set my lip. Penis

penis penis.
Nah, penis is different from cock. Penis
is science-y, so of course you can say it. Cock
makes

it

less

science-y

soundin

and

morereal. He smirks. More dirty.

Dirtier, I correct icily. Ranik leans in,
face inches from my own. The heat from his skin
is an unbearable blanket encompassing me.
Well Ill be damned. Is that a blush I
see? Dont tell me Im getting to you, Princess.
We aint even scratched the surface of sex-talk.

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You arent getting to me. And Im not so

childish that I cant say a single idiotic word
aloud.
Then say it, Ranik murmurs, voice suddenly deeper. Right here. Right now. Cmon.
Prove me wrong.
I breathe deep and try to ignore the scent
of cigarettes and pine trees that alluringly curls
off his very being.
C-C- I open my mouth, then shut it
quickly and bite my lip. Raniks smirk grows
wide as he sits back.

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Just like I thought. You might pretend to

be a hardass, but under all those smarts youre
pretty damn pure.
Pure? I bristle. Im not a bottle of water. Im a human being. I am exactly what I am.
Smart as hell. Defensive, because some
people were jerks to you growing up, probably.
Beautiful, but youd die before youd let
someone call ya that, huh?
My glare could cut diamonds, but it just
makes him chuckle.
So. No beach. Whatdya think about dinner, then?

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What kind of dinner?

The kind where you eat food.
Ha ha, I deadpan.
Theres a place on fifteenth and Jersey
street. Its Italian but not, you know, fancy Italian. We can practice some date manners there, or
whatever.
Im well-versed in all table etiquette, I
sniff. He smacks his forehead.
Yeah, Im sure you are. But do you
know how to make small talk with a guy that
aint about the Amazons floriculture or how cold
it is on the moon?

228/755

Negative one hundred and seventy three

degree Celsius, I say automatically. Ranik gives
me a see what I mean look. I sigh. Alright,
point taken. When do I meet you there?
Seven-thirty. Wear whatever you want.
Just nothing secretary-ish, alright?
I dont wear secretary-like things.
Princess, youre wearing a blouse and
skirt with a bun and glasses. You might as well
be Pepper Potts.
Is that bad?

229/755

No, shit. It suits you. Justits just not

date wear, okay? Its not what Theod like. Try a
blouse. Colorful, if you got that.
He stands up and throws his burrito wrapper at the trash. It makes a graceful arc and sinks
dead in. He whoops, and someone shrieks. A
golden blur attaches itself to Raniks arm, pursing its pink lips.
That was such a good shot! Kara, cheer
captain and overall most wanted girl on campus,
smiles with blinding white teeth and perfectly
glossed lips at him.

230/755

You were watching me all that time?

Ranik sniggers, tapping her on the nose playfully.
Naughty girl.
I make a little gagging noise in the back
of my throat. It catches Karas attention, and her
dark eyes blaze with barely-concealed disdain.
Excuse you, She sniffs.
Oh, dont worry. I pick up my latte and
throw whats left of my muffin away. Im excusing myself. Id hate to get in the way of your
stimulating conversation.

231/755

Kara frowns harder, but behind her

shoulder I see Ranik smirk bigger. He salutes me
with two fingers off his forehead.
Ill see you later, Princess.
As I walk away, Karas high-pitched
voice pierces my ears.
Princess? How come you call her
Princess?
I flinch. Princess is annoying. The way he
insists on calling me it is annoying. But at least
its better than Robot. Bitch. Know-it-All.
Soulless.

232/755

I spot Theo walking across the quad,

golden hair shining in the morning light, and a
smile so bright on his face hes practically his
own walking sun. He sees me and waves, smile
growing impossibly brighter. I soften at the
edges, feeling my chest grow warm, and wave
back. Its then I see the girl at his side, the darkhaired, vibrant blur who quickly recaptures his
attention with some joke that has him laughing in
a millisecond. Grace. Shes wearing bright blues
and purples today, all color and life and spontaneity. They walk across the lawn and disappear
behind Harrow Building. Its not until someone

233/755

jostles into me do I realize Ive frozen mid-stride,

in the center of the sidewalk.
Shit, sorry, A girl in a leather jacket
coughs. Her cat-like green eyes take me in
quickly, and dismiss me just as quickly. Didnt
see you there. You blend right in.
Her hair is bright pink. She stands out like
a bubblegum star. Her smile is small and joking,
but when she leaves I look down at my beige
blouse and tan skirt. Im the same color as the
sidewalk, the buildings, the fountain.
Im forgettable. I have no color. No life.
Robot.

234/755

I clench my fist and turn around.

***

Confession time; I aint never been on a

date before.
But if anybody asks, and especially if
Alice Wells asks, Ive been on a hundred dates.
A thousand. Ive been on so many dates I make
The Bachelor look like a clueless idiot.
The problem is, ocourse, that isnt true.
Ive never taken a single girl out on a date. The
types of girls I attract arent that interested in

235/755

bein wined and dined they just wanna get

straight to the fucking, and Ive never had the
heart to turn em down. So dates are weird. New.
Im sitting here at the table thirty minutes early
(thirty minutes? Jesus, dude) because I was so
freakin nervous I forgot to look at the clock before I left my apartment. I showered and dressed
and left thinking I was late, thinking Alice would
be sittin here all alone and get fed up with me
and leave.
I sigh and bury my head in my arms on
the fancy tablecloth. Im a mess.

236/755

Its just a fuckin lesson. Its a fake date.

But still, I aint never been slow with anyone.
And no ones ever been slow with me. And it
sure as hell shows. The waiter asked twice if I
was feelin alright, and I lied through my teeth
and said I was fine, but I aint fine. My skin is all
white and my hands are clammy. But I cant let it
show. Alice is dependin on me to teach her
right. So Ill do what Ive always done, what always gets me through life; fake it till I make it.
Im so nervous I dont even notice when I
elbow my fork off the table until the waiter gives
me a fresh one.

237/755

Sorry bout that, I laugh.

Are you waiting for someone? The
waiter smiles knowingly. Hes gotta be fiftyish,
with graying hair and dignified posture. You see
nervous.
Yeah Im I stop myself from saying
nervous as hell. Saying it outloud makes it
more true. I gotta pretend it aint true, and fast.
waiting for a friend.
She must be a very charming friend.
I laugh. You dont know the half of it,
buddy. Shes way out of my league.

238/755

The waiter looks at my jiggling, nervous

leg, and smiles. I have something that might
help, sir. One moment.
He comes back with a drink, and eases it
onto the table.
Its our first-date special, he explains.
Itll soothe your nerves and make conversation
much easier, I promise.
Uh, its not a date, really, itsuh I
give up explaining it and grin. Thanks, man. I
owe you.
Just a tip would be fine, sir.

239/755

I laugh again. Aint no one ever called

me sir in my life.
You dont come to restaurants often
then, I assume?
The guys voice is calm and gentle. Hes
like the nice, supportive dad I never had.
Not fancy ones like this. They aint
really my style. Im more trailer trash than caviar,
if you get my drift.
You seem right at home here, sir.
Hah. Flattery will get ya everywhere, I
scoff, and take a drink. Its nice and warm, and
goes down smooth. Slowly, I can feel my

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muscles relaxing. Hey, this is real good.

Thanks.
The waiter smiles and walks off to wait
another table, and I wait alone. I dont notice
when I finish the drink, or when my leg stops jiggling,

or

even

how

much

time

passes,

but I sure as hell notice when Alice

walks in. Next to all the rich old women in
dressuits and khaki, she glows like a youthful
lighthouse gold hair left down in a loose ponytail and her cheeks rosy pink. She doesnt wear a
dress, but a simple red blouse and a lacy skirt
thats adorable on her, and real different from

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what she wears normally. She looks uncomfortable in it, wincing awkwardly as the hostess leads
her to my table.
Hey, I stand up instantly.
Hello, She murmurs. Unlike usual, she
doesnt meet my gaze. She looks everywhere but
at me the floor, the ceiling, her purse. I take a
sec to absorb the sight of a completely different
girl from the normal hardass ice queen.
Can we sit down? My shoes are trying to
kill me, She asks.

242/755

Sure, I jump to pull her chair out for

her. She finally shoots me a look, a smirk on her
lips.
Such politeness.
Im only doing it because its what
Theod do, I grumble, but she laughs, the sound
like tiny crystal bells, and I freeze.
What? She demands, laughter fading.
Thats the first time - I sit down and
put my napkin in my lap like Ma taught me. Ive heard you laugh all honest-like.
And itll be the last. She grumbles,
blushing.

243/755

You look nice, by the way. Real

adorable.
Her blush deepens. Dont patronize me.
Lesson three, I sigh. When dudes compliment you, they aint patronizing you. They just
mean it. Theo will compliment you lots, alright?
Because hes nice. So take em nicely. Say thank
you instead of gettin all defensive, if you want
him to like you.
Alice screws her face up. The waiter
comes by and she orders salmon and a Shirley
Temple.

244/755

Shirley Temple? I hold back a laugh.

She does her best to look royally offended.
Is there something wrong with that?
No, its just I shoot a glance at the
waiter. Its an awfully cute drink. I thought
youd get something mature, like ice tea.
Ill have an ice tea, then, She snaps.
No, hey, its okay. Get what you want.
But Theo will think Im immature if I order that.
Maybe. Maybe hell think its quirky,
or whatever.

245/755

The waiter looks between us. Alice settles

on the Shirley Temple, and I order a marhgarita
pizza. When he leaves, she glowers at me.
So, I should take compliments? Is that
the lesson?
Part of it, yeah. Lets practice. I compliment you lots, and you take it gracefully. Or try
to, anyway.
She nibbles bread and waits, eyes wide
like a rabbits in the headlights.
Youre cute, I start small. She flinches.
Im not.
Ah ah, cmon now. Gracefully.

246/755

But I genuinely dont think

She doesnt have to finish her sentence
for me to know what shes gonna say. She dont
think shes cute. For all her bravado and toughacting, her self-esteem aint the greatest. Some
people in her life got that into her head real good,
probably during her teenage years.
Alice shreds the bread nervously, not
even eatin it. She yelps as she nicks her own
hand, and I quickly reach out and grab it.
Hey. Hey, look at me, princess. Calm
down, alright? I get it. Shard to love yourself. I
know that. But you cant love someone else

247/755

without loving yourself first. You cant be there

one hundred percent for another person unless
you like yourself. Its unfair to the person you
love.
Alice looks up, eyes locking with mine.
You dont wanna be unfair to Theo,
right? I ask quietly. She shakes her head, hard.
No. Of course not. I want to be the best
girlfriend possible for him. Ill do anything to
make him happy.
Theres nothing but pure honesty and devotion in her tone. Sick, jealous static runs up
and down my spine, and I fight the urge to

248/755

squeeze her hand. I pull mine away, back to

where it belongs, far away from her before it
does anything stupid.
Youre missing the point. You gotta be
happy first. Then, if hes a halfway decent guy,
hell see you happy and be happy, too. Thats
how it works. You get happy off each others
happiness.
For someone whos never been in a serious relationship, you appear to have a lot of ideas
about them. She raises an eyebrow.

249/755

I take a sip of water to ease the sudden

fist in my throat and shrug her words off
casually.
Just, you know. I see a lot of em. I see
what works and what doesnt.
Alice doesnt look like she entirely believes me. She puts her napkin down and stands.
Im going to the bathroom.
Down the hall and to the left, Our
waiter says, suddenly reappearing at our table
with drinks.
Thank you very much. Alice smiles at
him in gratitude, and leaves.

250/755

Oh my, Our waiter clucks his tongue

when shes gone. Shes so beautiful, and awfully gracious. Youre a very lucky man, sir.
The fist in my throat moves to my heart,
clenching down on it hard. I force a grin.
We aint together. Shes just a friend.
The waiter nods sympathetically. I understand. Heres hoping she finds a gentleman
worthy of her, then.
I chug the rest of my water and slam the
glass down a little too hard. The waiter says nothin, filling up my glass and leaving just as Alice
comes back. She looks better refreshed.

251/755

So, she sips her Shirley Temple, smiling at the sweetness, and then frowning at me.
Lets try it again.
The compliments?
Yes. Once more, if you please.
She braces herself, gripping her drink and
focusing with laser-precision into my eyes. It almost gets me nervous. This must be the concentration that gets her all those crazy As, and Im
gettin the full brunt of it. Her determination is
almostcute.
Youre cute, I throw it out there fast.
Real cute.

252/755

She doesnt move, blinking once but

holdin strong. So I decide to up it a bit. I sit back
and put on my best cocky smirk the one that
gets the panties flying.
I look at you and I think; Shit, what guy
wouldnt kill to have that cute little bird in their
bed?
Her lips twist, but she keeps cool. I
chuckle and pour my all into it letting
everythin Ive thought about her for real spill out
over my careful, professional dam.
Hate to break it to you, princess, but
youre adorable. I know you dont like that word,

253/755

you want like, elegant or something. Truth is,

youre that, too. Youre a lot of great things. Im
sure lots of people compliment you on your
smarts, so I aint gonna do that. We both know
youre smart. But you sure as shit dont know
youre hot, so let me give it to you straight;
youve got the sexiest face.
She groans, the blush barely rising in her
cheeks. I can practically see her fightin the urge
to snap I dont, you idiot with all the acid shes
got. But I keep talking.
I like looking at it. Your face. Sawfully
pretty. Long lashes, cute nose, soft lips that look

254/755

sweet as sin. Sometimes I think about kissing

em real hard.
Her blush lights up her cheeks like a
cherry sunset, but shes suddenly so wide-eyed
and quiet. I freeze, slow horror grippin me by
the balls as I realize how that musta sounded.
It sounded real.
But like the damn expert I am, I dont let
it show. I backtrack quick as a weasel.
That seems like the type of cheesy,
corny bullshit Theo would say, dont it? I laugh.
Hes all about that sorta gross, romance-movieline stuff. Nerd.

255/755

Whatever spell was holding Alice hostage

breaks with my laugh, and she frowns, the blush
receding.
Y-Yes. Hed probably say something endearing and passionate like that.
Our food comes just in time to save me
from drownin in the sudden sick feeling that
rises up in my throat again. Passionate. Endearing. She didnt mean it for me, so it tastes bitter,
but it still makes me feel wobbly and warm inside. Happy inside. Im more than just hot, like
girls usually call me. For a second, Im endearing
and passionate. She called me that. For a second

256/755

Im a real person, instead of an eternal fuckbuddy, to be used once and thrown away like a
tissue thats served its purpose.
Did I do alright? Alices question
knocks me outta my stunned thoughts. I cough
and take a slice of the fancy pizza.
You did great, I say and quickly stuff
the slice in my gaping facehole so I dont gotta
own up to my slip up. But I talk through my bite
to try and disgust her try to remind her Im not
Theo, and that she shouldnt get genuinely
flustered by anythin I say. By gread I meansh
you didnt verbally cut my entire headsh off.

257/755

I think shell be grossed out, but she just

wrinkles her nose and laughs instead.
Only a blabbermouth like you could
manage to form coherent sentences through a
mouthful of carbohydrates.
I swallow and smirk even if the voice inside my head dont want me to. Itsa skill.
Her eyes glitter as she takes a delicate
nibble of her salmon. Uh-huh.
Cultivated through years and years
ofof
Strenuous? She offers.

258/755

Strenuous! I point at her. Thas it.

Strenuous work.
Nonsense, She scoffs, and then scoffs
down nearly half her salmon, talking through it.
Shee? Evensh the untrainedsh can do it.
I aint never seen her take more than ladylike nibbles at stuff. I get over my shock fast
though.
Youre just a quick learner. Its because
you watched me, the all-time grand slam champion master, at work.
All-time grand slam champion master,
she swallows and muses. Is that your official

259/755

title? Do you get a stipend? Wheres your

crown?
I get paid in smiles.
Ah, yes, smiles. The accepted currency
of playboys everywhere.
Whoa, princess, I aint a playboy.
The second time we met you had two
pairs of used panties in your car.
Ugh, okay. Fine. I like the ladies. They
like me. Arrest me.
Someone will someday, Im sure.
She smirks with those words, but they
punch a hole right through me. I grip the

260/755

tablecloth like its the only thing keeping me on

the ground, keeping me from floating away with
all the hot rage that blows my mind up like a
spiky balloon.
Are you alright? Alice looks suddenly
concerned. Im sorryif what I said upset you

I force my every muscle to freakin relax.

Relax, Ranik. Fuckin relax. She doesnt know
your past. She dont know about your pops. She
just said it. She didnt mean nothing by it. Shes
innocent and nave and Alice Wells and you like
her. Cut her a break.

261/755

Sorry, I mumble. Someone said

something like that to me a lot when I was growing up. So. It hurts. Stings a bit.
Oh. She flinches. Im sorry. I didnt
know
No, I know. Hey, just think of it as evening the scales out, right? I called you Robot. You
said that thing about me gettin arrested. So
were even. Both of us just never say it again,
and well be fine.
She nods, wary and on point like a fox in
a ring of hounds. I gotta break the tension, I gotta
make this date useful to her.

262/755

Parents, am I right? I laugh, and lean

back. People talk about parents on dates, you
know. Its pretty normal.
Interesting, She muses. Ill make a
note of that.
I watch her pull out her phone and type
something on it. I raise an eyebrow.
Youve been taking notes this whole
time?
She turns the phone to me and scrolls
with her other finger. There are freakin pages of
the stuff. I whistle through my teeth.

263/755

Goddamn,

Wells.

You

dont

fuck

around.
No, I dont. I believe thats the problem. She says it with a mischievous glint in her
eye. And when she gets like that, I cant help but
bust out laughing.
Anyway, She coolly interrupts my
chuckle fit. I would like to practice. Talking
about parents.
You first, Princess.
My mother isnt the mosthospitable
woman. She and I dont get along very well, I regret to say.

264/755

What? Any mom in the world would kill

to have a daughter like you smart, cute
Okay, okay, She snaps. This isnt
compliment

conditioning.

No

more

compliments.
Ever? I try my puppy dog eyes on her.
They extremely do not work.
Ever. She sets her lip. Now, if youd
let me continue
I wave my hand and she takes a deep
breath.
As I was saying, she and I dont get
along. In fact, the only times I can remember us

265/755

conversing with her seeming semi-pleased were

when Id bring home a report card.
All As, of course.
She doesnt glare at me for interruptin,
she glares cause Im right. Yes. All As.
Jesus, that sounds like a miserable life.
Next youre gonna tell me she never let you go to
parties or have friends.
Alice stares sheepishly into her plate.
Are you kidding me? I throw my hands
up.
It was just the parties, Alice snaps.
She and I agreed they were wastes of time,

266/755

distractions from my studying. And from what

you saw at the Theta Delta Phi party, you know I
dont fit in at parties anyway. I could have as
many friends as I wanted. I just never no one
ever
She cuts off and twists a napkin nervously
around her fingers. I can finish her sentence for
her no one ever wanted to be friends with her. I
sigh.
Sounds to me like you missed out on the
best parts of being a teenager, Princess.
When she doesnt answer, I try to steer
the conversation.

267/755

What about your dad?

In jail, She says immediately and
bluntly. For financial fraud. Ten years. Mom
pretends like he doesnt exist. We moved to the
east coast to get away from it all from him.
Did you like him?
Her smile is small, wistful. Yes. He was
the best father anyone could ask for. He always
brought me home treats, especially when he went
on business trips. He encouraged me to keep
writing poetry when Mom burned my journals.
Hes a very kind man.

268/755

She looks so happy, recallin her memories of him, it almost hurts to look at.
Do you ever get to see him? I ask.
No, not since we moved. But now that
Im back here, Ive been thinking of taking a bus
to San Francisco. Thats where hes being held. It
would be so nice to see him for Christmas.
You totally should! I bang my fork on
the table. And look, dont worry about the bus.
Ill take you.
Her eyes light up, but then darken.
No, thats nice of you, but no. The
roadtrip would take a day or so, and I would be

269/755

staying in a hotel for another few, and I dont

want you to waste your Christmas like that.
Waste? Who said itd be a waste? I dont
got nothing else to do on Christmas, anyway. My
dads back in Mississippi, but hes a bastard and
Im never going back there again. So its just me
and Trent and the gang, goofing off with candy
canes for a week straight.
Alice looks unsure.
Look, itd be fun. Or, not fun, because I
understand bein with me aint real fun for you,
but itd be a good opportunity at least! We could
do some lessons while were gettin there. And I

270/755

wouldnt bug you, Id do my own thing in the

city.
Well
Just at least say youll think about it.
Dont gotta agree. Just promise me youll think
about it.
Alice nods, expression softening. All
right. I will. Thank you.
A real thank you? From Ice Princess? I
grin and lean back in my chair.
Whats that smug look on your face
for? She asks.

271/755

Sjust, thats the first time youve said

thank you to me. Ever. Im just soaking it in.
If I was the angry type, Id dump my
drink on you and say soak in that. She snaps. I
laugh, and the waiter comes up with a dessert
menu. Alice doesnt order anything.
What, afraid of a few sugar cubes? I
smirk. Her eyes dart around the table.
N-No. Im on a diet, thats all.
What? Why? You look damn hot as you
are!

272/755

Its none of your business, she says,

folding her arms over her chest. I sigh and look
up at the waiter.
Ill have the panna cotta thingy.
The waiter nods and leaves. Alice relaxes
little by little, until finally shes relaxed enough
to ask me a question.
So, I gather you dislike your father?
I try to stop it, but I know my eyes are doing that mean, flashing thing. Yeah. Hes not so
great. So what?
I believe the term you used was
bastard.

273/755

Look, Princess, thanks for spilling all

your family secrets, but Id like to keep mine
secret. All you need to know is my dads a jerk.
End of story.
She purses her pretty lips. Alright.
Thats very unfair of you, though.
Well its how it is. Trust me, dont worry
about Theo not wanting to spill his guts. Hell do
it gladly. His family is picture-freaking-perfect.
This is just practice, anyway. You dont need to
know about me for real. Im not stickin around
for long.

274/755

Maybe Im imaginin it, but she makes a

little flinch. Or maybe that was just a sneeze.
Either way, she comes back stronger.
Right, she asserts. Of course.
Somethin about her voice makes me regret what I said. But before I can say sorry, the
waiter comes with my dessert a fancy white
pudding thing with strawberry syrup. I catch a
glint in Alices eye as she looks at it.
You want some? I offer a bite. She sips
her water and arches a brow.
No thank you.

275/755

Yeah, right, diet thing. Well, if you

wont eat it because it looks good, at least eat it
for practice.
Practice?
Couples feed each other on dates, sometimes. Its something I personally think is nasty
and weird, but Im sure something that cutesy
would be right up Theos alley. So. Ill give you
a bite, and you try not to pretend you hate it,
okay?
Her gaze is suspicious. Are you sure
couples do this?

276/755

Sometimes. In dumb movies. And if

theyre super romantic.
But youve never done it.
No. I aint exactly a romance guy, I
laugh.
So why are you doing this?
To teach you. Duh.
She frowns, but opens her mouth and
waits patiently. I put a little panna cotta on the
edge of my fork and place it gently in, hopin she
wont notice my shaking hands or nasty thoughts.
Her lips are gentle-lookin and so pink. Shes got
such a pretty mouth. Id do awful things to it. No,

277/755

shit no, I wouldnt do anything with her she

didnt want. She dont want awful things. Not
from awful me. She wants slow, soft, sweet
things from slow, soft, sweet boys.
I cant be soft, I cant be sweet. Thats
just not who I am.
She takes the bite and pulls away, savoring it. The smile on her face is instant.
Thatsthats really good.
Theres more where that came from, I
smirk and push my plate closer to her.
No, really, I cant

278/755

Cmon! One weird lil pudding wont

kill you. I promise.
Do you have any idea how many calories dense dairy amalgamations contain?
Do you have any idea how many neener
neener neener oh look I stopped payin
attention.
Ugh, youre infuriating.
I wink and push the plate the rest of the
way towards her. Ill take that as a compliment
coming from you.
She stubbornly sets her lip and ignores
the plate, but by the time the waiter comes with

279/755

the check, shes taking little bites out of it. I

smirk and sign the bill, slapping an extra ten on it
for the tip.
Wait a minute, Alice leans forward,
swallowing. How much was that? I will pay
half.
She rummages in her purse, but I stand
and stretch.
Dont worry bout it, Princess. On the
house.
Ridiculous, she scoffs. I wont have
you paying for my dinner.

280/755

Too late! Salready all done. Lets

bounce.
She takes one last huge bite of the panna
cotta and glares at me. I throw my leather jacket
on and whistle innocently as her daggers hit my
back. She stands and puts her sweater on, following me. Or so I think. But when I turn around
shes shoving forty-two dollars and fifty cents into my hands.
Oy, knock it off! How did you I count
the bills quickly. How did you know this was
half?

281/755

I quickly read another tables menu and

did the calculations. Including tip. This is my
half.
Ugh, I smack my hand against my forehead. Shoulda known better than to try to pay
for a genius like you.
She just shoves the bills into my leather
jacket and dashes outside.
Hey! Hey, get back here! I run out after
her. Its raining cats and dogs, and I pull my hood
up. But Alice is just standing on the sidewalk,
letting the rain assault her. I run up and throw my
jacket over the both of us.

282/755

What in Gods blue ass are you doin? I

pant. She holds a delicate hand out of my jacket,
the rain patterin on her palm. Her blue eyes are
mesmerized on the drops, hazy and distant, like
shes somewhere real far away in her mind.
Sometimes its nice, she murmurs. To
feel the rain on your skin. To remember youre
still a human being who can feel things, no matter what people say.
I flashback to her gettin mad about me
calling her robot girl. She said other people
called her that too. Lots of people. Maybe even

283/755

people she cared about. She glances up at me,

lookin lost and small under my big jacket.
If I can feel the rain, that means I can
feel love, too. Right?
My heart breaks a little, tears right down
the middle and tries to pull itself apart.
What I feel for Theo is love, right? She
presses. I dont know, because Ive never been
in love before. But I think its love. It is, isnt it?
Y-Yeah, I find my voice, all cracked
and messed up. Its love.
She smiles, and I fight not to kiss her.
Again. I ruffle her hair instead.

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Dont worry so much, dork.

She frowns and tries to smooth it down,
and maybe Im hallucinatin more but her cheeks
might be a little redder than usual. But thats
probably just the cold night air.
Dont touch my hair, she grunts but
doesnt pull away. Youll just mess it up.
I mess lots of things up. Its sorta my job
description. I steer us toward the truck, walking
slow so she wont get wet.
And pray tell, what exactly is your job?
She drawls.
All-time grand slam champion master.

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Ofeating poorly?
Of everything in the world ever.
She rolls her eyes and elbows me in the
ribs, but Im laughing so hard at her expression it
dont even hurt none.

Chapter 6
As I wait for the crosswalk light to
change, I stare at Raniks text to make sure Id
received it correctly.
meet me @ starbucks across the street
from Garfield building early as u can. need
homework
I stride across the street and push into the
warm coffee shop, pulling my scarf down from
my neck. I spot Raniks buzzed-sides haircut and

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leather jacket instantly, and storm over to him

with a brewing rant on my tongue.
I repeatedly told you yesterday to come
get your homework, I say. And you ignored it
completely, and now you called me out here to
deliver it like some common newspaper boy! Do
you know its a fifteen minute walk to get here? I
have a lab on the other side of campus in seven

Im cut off by a caramel Frappuccino and

a warm chocolate-chip muffin being shoved into
my hands. My diet-starved mouth salivates a
little, but I hold back. Raniks grin is too bright

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for this early in the morning, his black curls

sleep-tousled and the gold of his eyes lit up by
the watery sun reflecting off the table.
Whats this? I frown.
A bribe.
When I frown harder, he laughs.
Just kidding. I thought you could use the
fuel.
Im not much of a breakfast person, and
I really need to go
Oh yeah? Didnt you say its your favorite? Breakfast would do a skinny little thing like
you some good.

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I am neither skinny nor little. Your sudden motherly concern is touching, but unnecessary. I plop the manila folder containing his assignments on the table. Your coursework. Ill be
leaving, now.
I get two steps out the door when it
tinkles behind me.
Oy, wait up! Ranik runs after me, Frappuccino and muffin in hand. You want a ride?
Ill make sure youd get there in time.
Why?
Why what?

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First you buy me breakfast, and now offer a ride? I narrow my eyes. Are we in the
midst of a lesson about accepting favors from
boys that Im unaware of?
Uh, no?
Then why do favors for me? Im not
your concern. I can take care of myself.
Ranik looks surprised, but he disguises it
quickly behind his usual rogueish grin.
You know, any other girl would accept
these things real quick. They like bein spoiled.
I am not any other girl, I push my
glasses up higher on my nose. Now step aside.

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For a few seconds it seems Ive won, and

he leaves me mercifully alone. But then I hear the
dull roar of an engine following me down the
sidewalk slowly. I lift my head and walk faster.
Raniks truck keeps pace with me. He rolls down
the window and shouts.
Cmon, Princess!
I ignore him.
Youre gonna be late, even if you run.
And I made you late. So get in.
Id rather be late, I sniff.

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Lookit all that pride you got, He

whistles. Its almost like its gonna ruin your lab
participation grade for the semester.
I seethe quietly for a few seconds as I
realize hes right. I whirl on my heel and yank
the door open, flinging myself into the seat and
staring forward.
Go.
I can still see his smirk out of the corner
of my eye as he steps on the gas. We lurch, and
my poetry notebook goes flying out of my bag. I
scramble to pick it off the floor and force it back

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in my bag, but its far too late to evade Raniks

keen eyes.
Ooh, whats that?
None of your business, I say.
It sure dont look like any of your other
notebooks, He frowns. Theyre all black.
Whys this one got flowers on it? And a lock? Is
it special?
I start with a retort, but I remember the
eagle poem from the other night and flush.
Yes. Itsits very special.
Any chance youd let me look at it?

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Not in seven hundred hells, I snap.

Ranik laughs and pulls into the parking lot.
Thats too bad. But I guess we all gotta
have something private just to ourselves, huh?
Instead of letting me out at the curb where
everyone can see, he doubles around the building, where the dumpsters are, and parks, making
a faux-bow in his seat.
I believe this is your stop, madam.
I get out, but hes somehow beaten me to
the door, holding his hand out for me to step
down. I ignore it and glare at him.

295/755

I dont know whats gotten into you, but

I hope youre still sane enough to function as my
teacher, I say.
His laugh is even louder as he slouches
against the truck bed. Dont mind me. Just woke
up feelinweird, I guess. You up for another
lesson tonight? Hows seven sound?
That would be fine, I say. But my
roommate might be home.
This is a public lesson, He smiles.
When I open my mouth to protest, he winks.
Not dinner. But its far away from campus, at a

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friends place. And you might have to wear a

dress. If you have one.
The idea of doing a lesson in public again
has my palms sweating. Ive barely gotten over
my embarrassment of the dinner. But I quickly
swallow the fear and compose myself.
Very well. I will see you then.
Cool. And good luck, He says. With
your lab.
I dont need your luck, I turn back. I
need your lessons.
He throws the muffin at me, and I catch it
just in time before it hits my face.

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Lesson two point five, He says. Put

some meat on them bones.
But I look down at it. Grace is
slender.
Yeah. So what?
So I should
Thats what youre dieting for? Dont,
He says hotly. Youre real smart, Princess, way
smarter than that. Dont let me catch you doin
something that stupid. Not even for Theo.
I look at the muffin as I walk away. I get
to my class with a minute to spare and devour it

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quickly, down to the last crumb. I feel full for the

first morning in many.
Thank you. I text Ranik. It was delicious.
The lab comes and goes, and when Ive
placed the last e coli culture in the incubator and
sterilized my apron and gloves, Ranik still hasnt
texted me back. Is he angry? Busy? Why would
he be angry about my eating habits? I simply
wanted to lose weight, but I see now that was the
wrong way to go about it. I was so blinded by my
determination I almost continued down a biologically destructive path for my body, and Ranik
helped me realize it promptly. I feel like I should

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apologize to him, but why? Its my body. Why

would he concern himself with it, or me? We are
mutually contracted associates, and nothing
more. My well-being is none of his concern. As
long as Im able to do his homework, he should
keep out of my business.
Irritated, I meet Charlotte for lunch at a
little caf on campus called The Reef. She orders
fish tacos, and I order the potato salad. As she
goes into detail about her new boyfriend Nate, I
eat silently and listen. This is the first clue for her
that somethings wrong.

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Whats wrong? Why are you so quiet?

She quirks a brow. Youd normally be snorting
and rolling your eyes and telling me how shitty
he is by now and how hes eventually going to
cheat on me and break my heart.
He probably will. Maybe. Men are unreliable creatures, I say. But you look so happy
lately I didnt want to interfere with that. I
havent met him yet, but a boy who makes you
this happy must be a good one.
Charlotte glares suspiciously at me, then
leans across the table and feels my forehead.
What are you doing? I swat her away.

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No fever, she mutters to herself.

Which

only

leaves

one

other

option

concussion.
Im not concussed! Im feeling perfectly
fine!
Then who snatched your body? Wheres
the real Alice? The one who disdains boys as the
scum of the Earth?
I frown. I dontIm not that bad, am
I?
Of course youre not bad! You just hate
guys. Thats sort of a fact, along with the sky is
blue and the arctic is cold.

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I hate idiots. Theres a difference. Its

not my fault a great majority of them in this
world happen to be male.
Charlotte bursts out laughing. Ah, there
we go. Youre back.
I smile for what feels like the first time in
days. Charlotte stirs her iced tea and I sip water,
and we watch people walk by. She wrinkles her
nose at a passing girl with pink hair and ripped
black tights. The girl who told me I bumped into
who told me I blend right in.
Ugh, theres Miranda, Charlotte sneers.
Miranda who?

303/755

Miranda-who-hangs-out-with-Ranik.
Junior Miranda.
I turn in my seat to watch her. Shes
skinny but moves with surprising grace, like an
alley cat. Her cheekbones are high and sharp, and
her green eyes are slanted down and even more
cat-like. Pink hair falls to her shoulders. Her
black hoodie and purple skirt stand out. As we
watch, she yells at a freshman for throwing his
cheeto bag on the ground and picks it up, dumping it in the trash. The freshman scuttles away,
terrified.

304/755

She doesnt seem so bad, I say.

Anyone who fights littering cant be completely
evil.
Wrong, Charlotte sighs. Shes totally
addicted to Xanax. She almost got suspended last
year for fighting one of my brothers friends.
And then someone lit his soccer bag on fire, but
no one ever found out who it was. We know it
was her though. People say shes crazy.
People say Im a robot, I muse. Does
that make it true?

305/755

Charlotte winces. Of course not, dummy.

The difference is, youre not a robot, but Mirandas definitely batshit.
Charlotte gets up and gets a pudding.
When she comes back, I clear my throat.
Charlotte, youre well-versed on the actions of boys and what they mean, right?
She giggles. Yes? Well, I mean, I have
more experience than most people. And definitely more experience than you. No offense.
None taken, I smile. So, if I posed a
theoretical situation that was happening to
afriend of mine, told to me by this same friend,

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you would be able to tell me what the boy in the

situation is thinking. What his goal is.
Maybe? It depends.
I inhale. Its worth a try. Im completely
lost, and Charlotte is my only hope.
Say there is a boy. And he is working on
a project with my friend. Theyve agreed to only
work on the project, and their only relationship is
to be a professional one. My friend and the boy
have even agreed theyre not each others type.
Oookay, this is already sounding a little
sketch, She wrinkles her nose.

307/755

What I mean is, My voice gets quick.

Say the boy starts todo things for my friend.
Like what? She leans in, suddenly
interested.
Bringing her coffee. Buying her food.
Offering her rides. Concerning himself with her
well-being. Why would he do that?
Because hes starting to like her, duh,
Charlotte laughs. Its not too hard to figure out.
I feel a cold knot work its way into my
throat.
But what if the girl - my friend - doesnt
like him back?

308/755

Then shell have to be firm! Charlotte

pounds the table. If youre doing a project together, you have to focus on it. Grades are more
important than a silly boys crush. You have to
cut the sprout while its still little! Pull it up by
the roots before he gets too big for his britches!
Literally.
Charlotte nudges me, and I roll my eyes.
But shes right. I cant let our lessons be compromised by any sort of infatuation. I ponder this,
then put a ten dollar bill on the table.
I have to go. Pay for me, would you?
Where are you off to so fast?

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I forgot to double-check the Edme Dumont citations in my Art History paper, I lie
quickly. Ill see you at the room later tonight.
Okay! She waves. I stride to the library
and dial Raniks number. It rings twice, and then
he picks up.
Hello?
I forbid you from being nice to me, I
say immediately. Theres a silence on his end. I
know he knows its me he saw the number.
I can be nice to whoever I wanna be,
He says finally.

310/755

We have a working relationship, I snap.

One of student and teacher. I cannot abide you
coming to like me.
Like you? He sputters. W-What makes
you think I
I expressly told you not to like me.
You told me not to try to fuck you, he
corrects.
The only way I would ever have sex
with anyone would be to like them first, to enter
a mutual relationship of liking. Therefore, you
cannot like me. That would be a step towards trying to bed me.

311/755

I sidestep a gawking freckled boy, who

caught most of my words, and breeze on. Ranik
sighs.
Youve got the wrong idea, Princess. I
just like you as a person. Nothin romantic, okay?
Ranik Mason dont fuckin do romance.
He likes me as a person? I shake my head
to clear it quickly.
Then stop, I say. Doing things for me.
The coffee, the muffin, the ride. Stop. I will take
care of myself. From now on, I will refuse anything you attempt to give or do for me that has no
relevance to our lessons. Is that clear?

312/755

We cant even be friends, huh?

I freeze in my tracks.
You wantto be friends? With me?
Hell yeah! Youre a pretty cool girl, you
know?
Im your student.
Dont mean students and teachers cant
be friends.
Im robotic. And boring. And very
nave.
No youre not. Whoever told you that
has shit for brains. Except the nave thing. Youre

313/755

a little nave. But thats not a bad thing. Just

means you got more learnin to do.
Are you befriending me with the intent
to bed me later? I narrow my eyes.
No! Jesus, Princess, whats it gonna take
for you to realize Im not gonna do anythin? I
swear to you I wont ever try to fuck you! I
promise on the sun. I promise on Mathers bald
head. I promise onon my Moms grave, okay?
My heart sinks. Something about the way
he said that stands out from the usual on my
mothers grave. Something about it rings true.
Ever? I whisper.

314/755

Ever, He asserts. Youre safe from me,

Princess. I can fuckin promise you that. As long
as I breathe, I wont ever try to fuck you. And
even when Im not breathin. Uh. I promise I
wont try to zombie-fuck you, either.
I wrinkle my nose and laugh. Gross.
He laughs too, but something about it is
tremulous. Right. Well. Now that thats cleared
up, can I go back to preppin this outdoor lesson
thingy?
Ranik! I hear a mans voice call.
Come get your present!

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One sec, Barbara, Ranik laughs. Okay,

Ill come get you at seven.
Alright.
He hangs up first, and Im left wondering
exactly what a man named Barbara could possibly help with teaching me.

***

After I drop Alice off, I meet Miranda at

Psych 201. I slide into my seat just as the bell
rings, and Miranda throws me a smirk.
Whos the lovely lady?

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Piss off, I say cheerily. She flips her

pink hair and laughs.
Youre never late for this class. You love
this class.
I like learnin about sweet brain shit like
any other reasonable person.
Exactly. Youre late, so whos the lovely
lady distracting you? Dont tell me, its the girl
youre texting lately. Im sorry; I meant the hairy
man youre texting.
I groan and put my head on the desk.
Hes so hottttt.

317/755

Miranda laughs, and shuts up only when

Professor Greene brings up the powerpoint and
throws her a pointed glare. I try to take notes and
listen best I can. Miranda slacks off like she always does, and she always gets good grades for
it, the unfair bitch. After class, Miranda and I
take a smoke break under a tree on the lawn.
Its way too fucking hot to be five-daystill-November,

Miranda

groans.

miss

Canada.
You miss runnin into moose and freezing your ass off? Youre so weird.

318/755

Dont

you

miss

your

Mississippi

swamps and shotguns? She retorts. I clutch my

chest like Ive been shot.
Ugh, youve found me out. Strue. Im a
redneck.
Miranda chuckles and puts out her cigarette. Youre coming to your surprise party tonight, right?
I had no idea yall were planning a surprise party, especially not since theres been four
crates of balloons stashed in the closet for a
month now.

319/755

We thought youd think they were

condoms.
Im dumb, but Im not that fuckin
stupid.
Couldve fooled me with those grades.
She ruffles my hair up. Alright, I gotta get going
to Culinary lab. Ill see you at the not-surpriseparty-thats-definitely-not-for-you.
Cant wait, I say, but shes hightailed it
outta here before the words leave my mouth. She
treats me like a little brother, and it irritates the
shit out of me. But her and Trent and Seth have
been more like a family to me in these last few

320/755

months than my real family ever was. And Im

grateful.
Before them, I didnt have birthday
parties.
I stride across the lawn, finishing my cigarette, when I spot her.
The Reefs a shitty little hippie caf full
of gluten free nut bars and tomato smoothies.
Most of the people who go to it are health-conscious vegan crazies, but today Alice is there.
With a curly-haired girl Ive never seen before.
And the girls making Alice smile.

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I do a double take. Alice, smiling. Not

smirking, or sneerin, but a straight real smile. It
lights her face up like a diamond, makes all the
hard edges of her usual stern expression soft and
warm. The way the suns hitting her hair makes it
all gold and shiny, like a halo. Shes pretty as a
picture.
My hearts suddenly a crazy animal in a
too-small cage.
Before I know what Im doing, Im taking
a picture on my phone. Its got her smile front
and center, even if my camera phone has a shitty
zoom.

322/755

I stare at it, then up at her, then at it again.

What the fuck am I doing? Im being
even creepier right now. My finger hovers to delete it, but I cant bring myself to. Stoo good.
Stoo rare. Its like deletin a goddamn white tiger. I might never see it again. Shit, Im the least
likely dude to ever see it again, considering she
dont like me all that much. So I move it around
and hide it in my phone to keep snoopy Miranda
away from it, but I keep it. For now. Until I get
sick of my own creepiness and delete it, its staying put.

323/755

Its for research, I try to convince myself

as I drive to Barbaras club. Research on helping
her nab Theo. This smile is the perfect example
of what makes dudes hearts beat crazy fast. Ill
make a whole lesson about making dudes hearts
beat crazy fast. Not that itll take her long to master it. Already, with just that one smile
My heart jumps.
I light another cigarette and furiously
jiggle my leg.
Thats enough, I scold myself. Cut that
shit out, bucko. Business. This is all strictly

324/755

business. She aint want nothing like that from

someone like you.

***

I nervously pace the room waiting for

Raniks text. Charlotte smiles and leans back on
the bed, admiring her handiwork.
This looks stupid on me, I say, and
wring my hands. The black silk dress clings to
my shoulders in a v-neck and the skirt stops at
my mid-thigh.

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You said you wanted to borrow a dress!

I gave you a dress! Charlotte smirks playfully.
Dont you have anythinganything
more
I told you, black is the darkest, most
dour color I have. Unless you want the limegreen tube dress.
I shudder, and lean down one last time to
look in the mirror. Charlotte stands and puts her
hand on my shoulder.
You look amazing, okay? Trust me. My
makeup and styling skills never fail.

326/755

Its true that I look marginally better than

normal. Charlotte applied pale lipgloss that
smells like almonds and a heavy dose of mascara
to my eyes, with some brown eyeshadow. Its a
far cry from my daily bit of eyeliner and chapstick. If I dont look in a mirror I forget Im
wearing anything at all. Instead of my usual tight
bun, shes let my hair loose, flowing around my
shoulders.
Wheres the party at again? Charlotte
asks. She looks just as good, make-up wise, since
while Im gone, shell be having Nate over.

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Its a dinner, I lie. For the Academic

Association of Mooreland. I have to attend it for
one of my scholarships.
Right, right. God, I forgot you have so
many of those.
Twenty-two scholarships is not very
many at all, really.
Charlotte laughs and hugs me. Oh, Al.
Youre so dumb about some things. And wonderful. But mostly dumb.
My phone buzzes, and I quickly pull it
out of the black clutch Charlotte lent me. Its

328/755

Ranik. Charlotte cranes her neck to see, but I

grab my jacket and start out the door.
Dont stay up for me, I smile. And
practice safe copulation.
Ugh, just get out of here! Charlotte
throws a pillow at the door. I totter in my heels
down the steps. Mom used to make me wear
them for spelling bees and math league competitions and the like, but Im still poorly coordinated
in them. When I asked Charlotte if guys liked
them, she gave a resounding affirmation. Grace
doesnt seem the type to wear them, but if all
men liked them, maybe Theo would, too. I need

329/755

more practice in them, and in a dress in general,

if I want to make Theo look at me with
something more than lukewarm friendship.
Slowly, I make my way outside and behind the building. Raniks truck lights cut
through the foggy night, and he jumps out
quickly.
Hey. You He rounds the truck and
stops moving, his mouth agape. I look behind me
to make sure there are no wild bears or, at worst,
any Theos.
IsIs something wrong? I fidget with
my clutch.

330/755

Raniks hazel eyes cant meet mine anymore, and he clears his throat. No. Nothings,
uh, nothins wrong. I mean, yeah, shit, I thought I
saw a bat behind you! Get in the car, quick, before it sucks your blood and turns you into a
vampire.
That is a common misconception. Most
chiroptera are insectivores, I correct, and
struggle into the passenger seat. I can hear Ranik
laugh as he rounds the truck and gets in the
drivers seat and pulls away.
You sure know how to woo a man with
sexy talk, dontcha?

331/755

I dont know about you, but to me the

eating habits of bats are excessively erotic.
He squints at me, then gasps.
Was that a joke? Did you justdid you
just crack a fuckin joke? Praise Jesus! Theres
hope for you yet.
He throws his hands up, and I grab the
wheel out of panic. He laughs and pushes my
hands away.
Sorry, sorry. Ill try not to almost kill
both of us. Again.
I look over at him for the first time hes
wearing a black button-down shirt that looks very

332/755

out of place on him, but somehow also good. The

rose tattoo peeks out over his collar. His messy
black hair is combed, and his pants remain jeans,
just not ripped ones. Hes even wearing a leather
belt. His cologne is faint and sharp and mixed
with the smell of smoke.
Where are we going, again? I inquire.
A club, He says. Of a friend of mine.
I stay away from clubs. I find them
sweaty and discombobulating.
He laughs. Yeah, Im not the biggest fan
either. But this is a special occasion.
Whats so special about it?

333/755

Its, uh He massages the back of his

neck, struggling with his words. You know
what, it aint important. What is important is the
lesson for tonight.
Which is?
He flashes a wicked grin at me.
Dancing.
Whats left of the blood in my face drains
out.
Is this really necessary? Im miserable at
dance. Theo most likely doesnt dance, either.
Right, but we cant miss any bases.
What if he wants to? Whatll you do then? Say I

334/755

dont dance and let that Gracie girl take him?

Nah. Also, its not all dancin. This is a lesson on
body awareness, how to handle your body to
make him nutso. Youll observe the other girls,
and mimic them. Pick up a few pointers on teasin dudes.
Is teasing something men like?
Ranik shrugs. I mean, sometimes. Itit
helps the mood. Mostly we just want Theo to get
so hot and bothered by you he cant say no when
you ask him out. And this is a good chance to
practice.

335/755

Ill be making a fool of myself the entire

night.
No, you wont, because no one cares.
And if they do, Ill punch em out. He catches
my eye nervously, as if hes asking if that was
too protective of him. Or Ill just, you know, not
do anything and let you wallow in your own
embarrassment.
Id prefer that to your white-knighting,
yes.
Its not He opens his mouth to argue,
then frowns.
Its not what?

336/755

Forget it, He sighs. For some reason the

sound tugs tiny slivers of pain from my chest.
Ranik doesnt sigh often, not in a manner so
heavy and defeated. Hes always light, irreverent.
Im wearing even him down, and it makes me
feel ill. Its like watching Charlotte get bored of
me, even though she never has. But the terrifying
thought she might is always there. I cant have
Ranik get bored of me. Hed resign as my teacher, and Id be left all alone and confused in the
vast, foreign sea of the dating world.
Im sorry, I whisper.
What?

337/755

I didnt mean to call it white-knighting. I

appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Theres a silence, and then he slaps the
wheel.
Well strike me dumb and call me Colonel. Alice Wells is apologizin! To little old me!
Dont push your luck, I frown. Ranik
just laughs, instead, and it sounds so much better
than his sigh.
He eventually parks, and I get out slowly.
In the parking lot, he stretches. He looks taller,
his shoulders seem broader, and when he raises
his arms his shirt lifts and shows tense lines of

338/755

muscle leading into the hem of his jeans. I stare

at the lithe v-shape tinged with dark hair,
entranced.
Ranik catches me staring. I meet his eyes
squarely.
You have very nice os coxae.
Ranik flushes and frowns. I have nice
what?
Hip bones, I say. Os coxae in latin.
Oh, right! His eyes light up. Os, as in
bone. We went over that in Psych today. So what
does coxae mean?

339/755

Hip, I say. Ranik smirks like hes just

figured out the secret to eternal life.
Man, thats so cool. Latin is so fuckin
cool.
It really is, I smile. Ranik looks to me,
and suddenly clears his throat, all business.
Okay, word of advice, most dudes dont
care about latin.
Do you?
Obviously, because its rad and I like
learnin cool stuff, but I aint most dudes. So.
Just assume for now random words that sound
like youre casting a curse aint gonna fly with

340/755

Theo, okay? If you gotta compliment his damn

hip bones, do it in English. I know hes smart and
hell get it and all, but Grace wouldnt compliment him in latin, so you might not wanna.
I nod, absorbing the information carefully. I understand.
And Grace wouldnt say shit like I understand, either. Shed say like, okie-dokie! Or
something annoyin like that.
Okie-dokie! I make my voice sweet and
enthusiastic as possible to mimic him. Ranik
looks shell-shocked, and I feel shell-shocked just
from saying it, and then we both collapse into a

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fit of laughter. It was so unnatural, so odd and

uncharacteristic of me, that it ripped a hole in the
air with its sheer ridiculousness.
Never use that voice again, Princess,
Ranik wheezes. I wipe a tear away.
Yet another point to add to the list of
things we agree on. Its getting rather long.
Ranik smirks at me in a sideways manner,
sadness tinging the edges.
It is, aint it?
Before I can ask him what that means, he
walks towards the neon-lit front of the club, the
garish pink sign reading; VENN DIAGRAM. It

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should be busy on a Friday night, but no one is in

line. Theres only one bouncer, a beefy man with
a hawk tattoo on his shaved head.
Ranik, the bouncer nods. And whos
this lovely lady?
Hey, Lance. This is my, uh, Ranik
scrabbles for the right word. My
Tutor, I offer my hand. Im his tutor in
math. Alice. Its nice to meet you.
Alison, Ranik says quickly. Her
names Alison. Anyway, can we go in yet?
One sec, lemme check, Lance winks,
and ducks into the clubs doors. Its an odd thing

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to do, but Ranik turns to me and interrupts my

thoughts.
Look, probably not the best idea to use
your real name here, okay?
Why? Arent these people your friends?
I should introduce myself properly.
Yeah, but His face contorts. If Theo
somehow catches wind you were here I mean,
lots of kids from school come here. So. I dont
want you to I dont want being seen with me ruinin your chances, okay? Youre working hard.
And I dont wanna ruin that for you with my
shitty rep.

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Before I can argue, Lance comes back,

smiling. Alright, theyre ready.
Ranik sighs. Lets go.
Lance leads the way into the completely
dark club, and we only get a few steps in before
the lights flash on all at once. Forty people all
shout surprise! at the same time, throwing confetti and glitter and streamers at us. I blink away
glitter and Ranik musses it out of his curly hair,
laughing as Miranda and a large bald guy initiate
a group hug on him. Everyone claps. Balloons in
emerald green and dark blue flood the ceiling,
with

green

banner

reading

HAPPY

345/755

BIRTHDAY

RANIK

hanging

over

the

fluorescent-lit bar in the back. The dancefloor is

empty and glowing with neon lights, just waiting
for the party to start. A black guy with hornrimmed glasses cuts through the crowd holding a
giant cake, and the crowd starts to sing Happy
Birthday. Ranik shuffles uncomfortably, flipping
some people off in a childish, petulant way, but
the flush on his cheeks and the smile on his lips
says hes pleased as punch. When they finish, he
blows the candles out, and the cheer is deafening.
The cake moves to the bar and gets cut up. Miranda takes a bit of cake and smears it on Raniks

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face, and the large bald guy who hugged him

then promptly shoves Raniks entire face in the
cake. I expect him to be furious, but Ranik comes
up laughing and looking like a badly painted
mime. As the unsullied portions of the cake are
passed out and Ranik cleans up in the bathroom, I
look to Lance.
He didnt tell me it was his birthday.
Hes secretive about that kinda stuff,
Lance smiles. Doesnt like sharing things. I
dont think he had much of a home life, growing
up, and sometimes that makes people close off,

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makes em not want to share. We wrestled it

outta him, though.
And all these peopleknow him? I
ask.
Sure. Theyre our club regulars. When
Ranik first moved here, he worked as bouncer
with me. Barbara gave him the job. Lance nods
at a jovial man with bright pink lipstick and a
blonde wig flipping bottles behind the bar as he
mixes drinks. Didnt have a place to go, so we
let him sleep in the storehouse in the back for a
bit, too.

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I cant imagine confident, cocky Ranik

sleeping on a storehouse cot in the back of a club
run by a transvestite. I cant imagine him anything less than independent and devil-may-care,
bedding girl after girl in a grungy apartment of
his own.
Hes a good kid, just a little stubborn.
Not dumb, because hes smart if you explain
stuff. Lance claps my shoulder. Thanks for
helpin him with his math. Means a lot to us. We
all wanna see him succeed up at that school.

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Cake? Miranda comes up to us with

two paper plates laden with sugary goodness.
Lance takes one and grins.
Thanks.
I take the other one tentatively, noting the
way her bottle-green eyes observe every inch of
me.
Thank you.
You look familiar, She says finally.
Im Aliceson, I say. Raniks math
tutor.

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Her pink eyebrows raise into her likewise

candy hair, and she grins like a cat who just
caught a bird. Oh reeeeally?
Miranda, here. Eat a piece before its
gone. The large, bald man walks up and offers
her cake. She takes it, eating small bites but never taking her eyes off me. The large man smiles
at me, his torn denim vest only highlighting his
huge arms. Hes even bigger than Lance.
Im Trent, he offers a hand twice the
size of mine, and I shake it. Nice to meet you.
Alison, I say. Its very nice to meet
you, too.

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Trent points to the black guy with glasses.

Thats Seth over there. Hell probably try to
come up and talk to you about an obscure indie
band at some point tonight. The three of us are
Raniks roommates.
I make an aha face.
Barbaras

behind

the

bar.

Youve

already met Lance, I see. Anyway, thanks for

coming. If you dont mind me asking, how do
you know Ranik?
Shes his math tutor, Miranda drawls,
nudging Trent in the ribs, but he ignores her as

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Ranik comes up, face a little red from being

rubbed clean and a piece of cake in his hands.
Thanks a lot for messing up my hair.
That shit took hours, He snaps good-naturedly at
Trent. Miranda smirks.
If youd stop spending so much time in
front of a mirror, maybe youd get something
done with your life.
Oy, Im not gonna take this from the girl
who still works at Hot Topic, Ranik protests.
Lance chuckles.

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How old are you now, thirteen? Trent

asks Ranik innocently through a mouthful of
cake.
Old enough to beat your ass into
whipped cream!
Ranik! Twin girls in sparkly crop-tops
and skinny jeans interrupt and latch themselves
onto his arms. Come dance with us!
As if on cue, a thumping bass starts from
the DJ in the corner.
One sec, Ranik says, then turns to me,
pulling me away from Lance and the others
gently. Im real sorry about all this.

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Sorry for what? I cock my head. I

think its delightful. Happy birthday, also.
Something flickers across his expression,
and if I didnt know better Id say it was quicklysquashed joy. He shakes his head.
I didnt mean to I just thought this
would be a good place. I shouldve picked a different club, and not on my birthday. But I wanted
you to
Its fine, I say. You should go - youre
the man of the hour. It would be very poor manners to keep your guests waiting.

355/755

Is it okay He trails off. Is it okay if I

say you look nice?
The question startles me, and he must see
that, because he starts clarifying.
Dont want you to think Im hittin on
you, because Im not. Just wanted you to know
you look nice, but I didnt say nothing because I
didnt want you to I didnt want you to get mad
at me again. Im not tryna bed you. Just want you
to know youre really pretty. Tonight. And every
day. Wait, shit.

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A strange warmth trickles into my heart.

He winces and kicks the floor, head suddenly
snapping up and eyes alight with an idea.
Its a continuation of our lesson! He
says quickly. Yeah! Uh, learnin how to take
compliments from a guy. Yeah. So, just let me
say you look pretty. Without getting mad. Just
one time.
Youve said it several times already
now.
Right! Shit. Okay, Ill stop. Anyway,
lesson over, the end. Hope you heard it enough,
because I wont ever say it again. Ill come

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back, He insists. And we can try the other actual lesson out then. Just, dont leave.
I wont. But Id do better if you gave me
an assignment while Im waiting.
Um, He looks around, then settles on
the bar. Go talk to Barbara. She and I talked
shell get you started on the basics.
Thank you. I feel much more at ease
when Im productive in a new and strange social
setting.
Ranik smiles, and then disappears into the
crowd. The two girls instantly latch on his arms
again, I note with a taste of bitterness on my

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tongue. I ignore it. I have no business being bitter

about what he does. I have a lesson to learn for
Theo.
I walk up to the bar, hovering uncertainly
around the edge of it. Barbaras dressed in a
beautiful pink silk negligee and fuzzy slippers,
and she cracks jokes and flirts with customers all
while fixing dozens of complicated drinks at
lightspeed. Im so awed by her multitasking I
dont notice when she turns her gaze to me.
Sweetheart? Barbara waves a hand in
front of my face. Yoohoo? What do you want to
drink?

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Oh, Im sorry. I was so entranced your

speed and accuracy serving the drinks is incredible. Youre amazing.
Barbara winks. So Ive been told
before.
Why do you slap the mint leaf before
putting it in a drink? Why not simply crush it?
Crushing makes it all icky and bitter,
She says.
Of course! I muse. The bitterness must
be caused by the chlorophyll breaking down in
the leafs cellular membrane.

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Barbara trills a laugh, and puts her head

in her chin. Oh, I know you. You must be Alice.
Ranik told me a lot about your sweet little brain.
Youre so much prettier in person!
Thank you. But he insists on calling me
Alison here.
Right-o. Alison it is. What can I get
you?
I dont drink. But he said youd have
the basics for me.
Thats right. Naomi! Barbara calls over
the crowd. A woman with fiery red curls comes

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over. Watch the bar for a sec, would you? Ive

got a friend I wanna dance with.
Sure, Naomi smiles. Barbara comes
around the counter and wraps her huge warm
hand about my own, leading me to a space just
off the now-crowded dance floor.
Okay, so were gonna start with watching, because the best dancing comes from watching, Barbara says, pointing at a girl and a guy in
the crowd. See those two?
The girl is blonde, with a considerable behind that she grinds into the mans crotch with
obvious want.

362/755

What about them? Theyre very dull, I

say.
Look again.
I watch. The blonde pulls away from the
man and twists her torso gracefully, the rest of
her body following the movement like a wave.
She undulates like a sidewinder snake, oozing
grace and elegance and seemingly effortless sex
appeal. The man quickly pulls her back into him,
and the grinding resumes, but the image of the
undulating stays with me.
Thats what youre going for, Barbara
interrupts my thoughts. That cute, sexy little

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liquid move. Its real basic, and easy to master in

no time.
Barbara pulls it off right in front of me
with no hesitation. Even without a womans
curves to back it up, the movement is hypnotizing and flawless.
Now you try.
I-I have no coordination.
Its easy peasy! Barbara comes up behind me, positioning my hips and shoulders for
me with firm yet gentle hands. Now move your
chest like youre breathing in deep, and let it roll
out to your butt.

364/755

I screw my face up and try it, but I simply

end up woodenly lurching. Barbara frowns, and
positions me again. I try it again, with equal results. She points a few more girls doing it out to
me, and I watch intently and we try the move together, but it doesnt go over well. Finally, Barbara frowns.
Hmm. How can I explain this to you
better?
Its alright. Im hopeless, I say. You
should go back to the bar, or dance with someone
else. Youre just wasting your time here.

365/755

Barbaras large hand bops me on the head

chastisingly. Dont be silly. Well get through
this together. Oh! I know! The pectorals.
What about them?
Youre into science, arent you? You
start by tensing the pectorals, thrusting them out
as far as you can. Then you bring them in, making them as small as you can, and you flex your
upper abdominals, making them bigger and then
smaller, and then the lower abs, and then finally
you flick your, um, your hip bones.
Os coxae.

366/755

Yes, those. Try to envision it like an anatomy model, if that helps.

I watch Barbara do it again, and focus.
Suddenly its so clear I can picture the various
muscles contracting as they work together to
move the torso in a fluid motion. I try it, slowly
at first, then faster. Barbara claps her hands and
squeals.
You did it! That was perfect!
A surge of warm pride, like the kind I get
from aceing a question on a test, floods my veins.
I do it again, and again, and Barbara takes her
time pointing out other dance moves girls are

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doing. Simple ones, primarily. She breaks them

down as best she can, with my help naming them,
into lists of various muscle clusters and bone segments. Together, we teach my body basic dancing, and when Barbaras satisfied, she pulls me
onto the dance floor.
Cmon, sweetie! Time to put it into
practice!
But Im I look around at the dancing
crowd, afraid someone will notice how rudimentary I am. Barbara grabs my hands and sways
them around.

368/755

If you care about what people think, itll

show. The dance will be all tense, and not right at
all. You want it to be right, dont you? You want
it to look good for this boy you want to impress,
right?
I nod. Barbara smiles.
If you cant do it here, then how will you
do it in front of him?
Her point is so logical I cant refute it in
the slightest. I try a few moves experimentally,
and Barbara encourages me with nods and the occasional you go, sweetie and thats it and you
look so sexy!. It should make me feel

369/755

uncomfortable, but whenever she catches my eye

she does a weird dance move and I cant help but
burst out laughing. Shes doing it for me, so I
wont feel so awkward, and Im very grateful.
Eventually, I learn to stop caring. It might
be the heat of the bodies around me, or the music
that practically blasts all thoughts from my head,
or Barbaras teachings, but I care less and less
until Im moving on my own, without stopping,
moving to the music and the beat and around
people with an ease that surprises me. I spot Barbara back at the bar, and she waves and gives me
a thumbs up. I see Miranda and Seth dancing

370/755

with each other, Seth very pleased with the way

Miranda snakes her hands around his hips.
Trents dancing with Naomi. A guy with a
pierced eyebrow and a pleasant enough face
smiles at me, and motions in front of him. I dont
know him at all, and nerves eat at my stomach
like acid, but dancing with someone I dont know
will make dancing with Theo seem like a breeze.
Theoretically. I gather my courage and smile
back, thinking of how Grace would respond, how
she would move. My dancing becomes more fluid, and I feel almost comfortable as I twist. The
guy isnt complaining; a strange glazed look

371/755

coming over his eyes when I move my hips. I

erase his face and replace it with Theos, and it
works so well I dont even stop him when he puts
an arm around my waist and pulls me into him.
Its then I meet familiar gold-green eyes through
the crowd. The face they belong to is shocked,
frozen as he stares at me.
Excited to show my teacher just how far
Ive come, I undulate my hips and make my torso
wave. Look! Look at me, Ranik! Look at what I
can do now! Im dancing with a total stranger!
Arent you proud? But Raniks face doesnt light
up, it only darkens. He shoves through the crowd

372/755

toward me, pulling me roughly away from the

guy by the hand.
Hey! What are you The guy protests.
Ranik snarls unintelligibly at him, and his
protests falter. Ranik pulls me away from the
dancefloor and into the cool night air outside the
bar, and the second he lets go of my hand he
whirls and rounds on me.
What the hell do you think youre
doing?
Im doing what you told me to, I say,
trying to keep my temper in check. Barbara
taught me to dance, so I was dancing.

373/755

With a total douchebag!

And? Hes a stranger. I could care less if
hes a douchebag. I will most likely never see
him again.
Raniks face goes red. You You
Did you see me, though? I press, excitement taking over my voice. I was trying to
show you. Did you see how smooth I was? I
didnt think it was possible, but I learned how to
dance! Im not very good, but Im at least passable! Barbara was a wonderful teacher.
Raniks eyes darken, shadowed by some
sudden softness. You were trying to show me?

374/755

Yes. I thought youd be happy for me.

He goes quiet, a thoughtful silence, and
then leans on a nearby car, his eyes strangely
hooded.
Show me.
What?
Show me again.
But I already did.
I wasnt paying attention that time, his
voice is suddenly hard, flinty. Show me again.
For some reason, a blush tinges my
cheeks at the command. Out here, the music is a
distant thud, and theres no heated mass of

375/755

people to lose myself in. Theres only Ranik,

with his blazing hazel eyes, the night, and myself. Were alone in the parking lot, and Im suddenly painfully aware of it as I try to dance. I
stop abruptly.
I cant. Not like this. Its too awkward.
You didnt seem worried about bein
awkward when you put your ass in that guys
crotch.
H-How dare you, I sputter. You tell
me to learn, and when Im in the process of
learning you suddenly get angry at me for it?

376/755

I told you to learn the basics from Barbara, not grind against some dudes dick.
Why are you being so so cagey?
Ranik stiffens, his fists balling up. Im
not bein cagey, Im looking out for my fuckin
student. Learning how to dance is fine, but dancing with some two-bit sleazer aint gonna help
you get Theo. Its damn unnecessary.
Its practice!
You want practice? Then practice with
someone who aint thinking about fucking you!
Like you? I scoff.
Yeah, He snarls. Like me.

377/755

Fine. I walk over and lean near him. I

focus on the distant music, pulling it in bare
threads to my ears and moving my body with it. I
never touch him, hovering just out of reach as I
roll and twist with more elegance than I had at
the beginning. If I drown him out of my mind, I
can dance without reserve, like Im in the crowd
again, with almost-Theo again. Im so lost in it I
barely hear the groan, but I certainly feel the soft
pressure along my butt, my back, and my
shoulders as Ranik lines himself against me,
nuzzling my neck. His smell is pine and smoke,
laced faintly with whiskey.

378/755

Fuck, He whispers. Alice

His hands slot onto my waist, and he runs
them down in an achingly slow v-motion along
my dress and rests them on my hips. Im so lost
in imagining Theos hands doing it that I cant
help the pleased sigh that escapes my lips. The
hot, lengthy hardness against my back is the only
thing that snaps me out of it. The illusion breaks.
I pull away quickly, and Ranik starts.
Shit, Im sorry, I
I cover my hands with my face wordlessly, utterly mortified.
Princess, Im sorry. I didnt mean to

379/755

I need to go home, I murmur through

my fingers.
Hey
Please take me home.
I request it out of sheer intense need, but
then think better of it. I cant rely on him, or trust
him. Not after what happened with the coffee,
and the ride to school, and the call. Not after the
erection in my back, betraying how he really
feels. I shouldve known not to trust him. Hes
Ranik Mason, and he wants to bed everything
with two X chromosomes, no matter how many
promises he makes.

380/755

Hes a liar.
I turn on my heel and compose myself,
pulling away from being a flushed girl who
dances without care and coming back to my
senses as a logical, independent woman.
Nevermind. I will call a cab. Enjoy your
party.
Princess, wait! Princess!
I dont wait. I cant wait for anyone. They
will only disappoint me.
I will only disappoint them.
I walk so fast to get away from his voice I
dont notice the dark curb, and step off it at an

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odd angle. I cry out as my heel twists under me,

the four-inch spike snapping loose. Cement
scrapes my thighs and arm like a burning cats
tongue, the palms of my hands screaming in redhot agony. Raniks voice chokes off and he
dashes to catch up with me.
Alice! Shit! Are you okay?
Through the pain and scraped skin and
welling blood, I look up at him, dazed.
Thats the first time youve called me by
my name.

382/755

He freezes, then quickly jumps to action.

He pulls his cellphone out and texts rapidly, in
total silence. When hes done he looks up at me.
Theres blood everywhere. You got
scraped up bad. He holds up my broken shoe.
And this thing is ruined.
Ill live, I sniff. The human body is incredibly adept at healing minor flesh wounds. I
try to struggle to my feet, and Ranik sucks in a
breath.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, dont try to
stand.

383/755

I have to get home, I say flatly and

struggle harder. And tend to the injuries before
they become infected.
I texted Trent and Seth. Theyre coming
with the truck, okay?
I hobble to my feet, and my first step confirms my worst fear it hurts too much to walk.
But I have to get home myself. I suck in a cry of
pain and buckle, and Raniks arm shoots out,
wrapping around my shoulders to hold me up.
The smell of pine and smoke surrounds me.

384/755

I dont need your friends help, I say

through gritted teeth. Or yours. Go back to your
party and just leave me be.
Yeah, thats a great idea. Leave the
bleedin girl on the curb alone in the middle of
the night.
I will call a cab. Now leave me.
No can do, Princess. Ranik shakes his
head. Im staying put right here until the truck
comes.
Just as he says that, headlights barrel
down the road and a massive red truck comes to a
stop in front of us. Trent and Seth get out, their

385/755

faces etched in worry, Im irritated to note. Why

concern themselves over me? They barely know
me. Or is their concern for Ranik?
Everything okay? Trent pants. Seth
kneels by me, dark eyes taking in the wounds lit
by the bronze glow of a streetlamp.
You cant do anything, I snap. Seth
looks up at me with a crooked grin.
Oh, I think I can. Im Pre-med.
Pre-med. I might not trust strangers, but I
trust knowledge. I dont argue as his gentle fingers feel my ankle.

386/755

Nothing broken, He surmises. But its

definitely sprained. We need to get you off your
feet right away, and bandage these scrapes.
Id appreciate it if youd just drop me off
at my dorm. I can take care of these things
myself.
Seth fixes me with a long look. Our
place is much closer. And you need to get these
scrapes disinfected as soon as possible. Theyre
covered in gravel.
I wince as I try to stand again, and Ranik
snarls.

387/755

Stop tryna go anywhere, Princess! Just

let us help!
I cant, I murmur. I cant trust you.
You can trust me! Ranik insists, eyes
suddenly hurt and his voice cracking. Its me,
for shits sake! Yeah, Im not your best friend,
but Im not a total stranger! Right?
Behind Raniks shoulder, Trent is staring
at us with a very strange, twisted look on his
face. His eyes dart from Ranik to me, and then
back again. When Im silent, Ranik balls his fists.
I can see anger in him, but he takes a deep breath

388/755

and quickly douses it, his voice now low and

steady.
I helped you this far, Princess. All the
things Ive taught you have worked and helped,
havent they?
I cant refute the truth. I nod.
So, please, He murmurs. If you dont
trust me, trust what youve learned. When I say
Ill do things, I do them. Just let Seth bandage
you up at the house, and Ill take you home right
after.
Right away? I ask.
The second you wanna, He nods.

389/755

I suddenly feel so tired, too tired to fight.

Okay.
Seth gets into the drivers side of the
truck, and before I can stand Trent moves to pick
me up, but Ranik beats him to it, gingerly lacing
his arms under my back and the crook of my
knees. With surprising strength and quickness, he
lifts me into the trucks passenger seat, and I almost regret the loss of the pleasant tension of his
chest against my head, the sound of his deep
heartbeat. I buckle myself in, and Trent and
Ranik jump into the truck bed. Seth stops at the
club, and Miranda gets in the back with them.

390/755

I fade in and out, the pain dulling to a

fiery throb. Seth doesnt say anything, driving silently. I cant hear what theyre talking about in
the truck bed, because the window is closed, but
that might be for the best Trent looks angry as
he speaks, and Miranda looks shocked. I cant
see Raniks face, since hes leaning against the
window, but I can see his mouth move and his
head shake every so often.
Seth pulls the truck into a parking lot. The
apartment building is a two-story, long and
washed in pale blue with grated doors. Ranik
hurries ahead, taking the stairs two at a time and

391/755

unlocking the door of 205 first, disappearing into

it. Trent moves to carry me, but I brush him off.
Im fine, thank you.
I wobble, and Miranda snorts and shoves
her shoulder under mine to steady me.
Fine my ass.
The stairs are the hardest, but we somehow get up them and make it to the apartment.
The lights are on, the disheveled but well-used
kitchen tucked in one corner. The living room
has two couches and a massive TV and several
game consoles. Posters of Arnold Schwarzenegger and anime and video game characters line the

392/755

walls. A blow-up doll dressed in a Hawaiian shirt

sits in a corner, his face doodled on with an impressive mustache and a monocle. Its so odd a
laugh escapes me, and Miranda smirks.
I see youve met Mr. Pibbles.
He has a name?
Oh definitely. Hes our house mascot.
Ranik rushes breathlessly out of a room
down the hallway, clothes and papers in his
hands as he motions into it.
In here.
The room is small and painted dark blue,
with glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling.

393/755

The bed is a simple queen-size, with messy plaid

covers that look like he just made it. Boxes line
one wall, filled with clothes and books. Except
for a laptop on a desk and a chair, theres no other furniture. Vintage movie posters line his walls,
and a guitar case sits propped up in one corner.
His window overlooks the city, the lights twinkling in the night through the curtain. Everything
smells like pine needles and old fabric.
Miranda helps me onto the bed, and
Ranik hovers uncertainly in the doorway. Seth
pushes past him with a first-aid kit.

394/755

Alright, everybody out, He clucks his

tongue. Give me some room to work.
Try not to kill her, Miranda winks, and
he rolls his eyes in response.
Ranik leaves last and closes the door, and
I hear the TV flicker on soon after. Seths long,
graceful fingers gently clean my scrapes and apply iodine, the sting making me bite my lips, but
only for a moment.
You took quite a spill, Seth says. I focus on the nearly-naked lady poster on the back
of the door and wrinkle my nose. Shes dark-

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haired and unbelievably buxom, the total opposite of me.

I dont normally lose my footing, I say,
pushing the lady out of my mind as I look around
more. I was distracted.
You and Ranik do seem to distract each
other. He barely took his eyes off you the entire
night.
I assure you, there were plenty of other
women he was looking at.
No, not tonight. Ive only known him for
four months now, but I know enough to see when
hes focused on one woman. Seth says lightly,

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and pulls a wad of gauze around my thigh. I help

him loop it around, and he gauzes my palms, too,
closing them off with clasps. He checks my ankle
again, and sighs.
Well, youll have to stay off that. I recommend an ankle brace, you can buy them in
most drugstores.
Thank you for your work, I say. But I
have classes to get to, and things to do. I have to
walk. I cant stay off it.
You dont have a car?
I shake my head and bite back the truth
Mom never taught me to drive. She didnt trust

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me. She thought Id take the car to parties, and

get pregnant or overdose.
Seth sighs. Well, try to catch rides and
take the bus as much as you can.
I will try. The sudden exhaustion hits
me again, this time much harder, and even as I
fight it I sag against the pillows. Seth closes up
the kit and moves to leave, and I call out.
Seth?
He turns. Yes?
Would you tell would please you tell
Ranik Im sorry for ruining his birthday party?
Seth smiles wanely. Sure thing.

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My eyelids drop, and Im dead to the

world.

Chapter 7
Trent turns the TV on, but it doesnt do
shit to cut the tension in the dead-quiet living
room. The living room is never dead-quiet. Not
like this. Theres always easy talkin or a videogame going on or laughter from any one of us.
Miranda taps her foot. Trent watches the TV with
a determined face.
Who is she, really? Miranda finally
asks, eyes sharp and on me.
I told you, shes my tutor

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Bullshit, Trent says evenly. We heard

you talking. From the sounds of it, youve been
teaching her things, not the other way around.
Ive been weve been working on a
project together. For school.
What class? Trent shoots.
You threw a fit, Miranda interrupts before I can back my lie up. You saw her dancing
with Ned and you threw a nasty fit and dragged
her outside. Shes your latest bootycall, isnt she?
I knew it. She must be really freakin good in the
sack to get you jealous.

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No, I clench my fists. Dont talk about

shit you dont understand.
Then help us understand, Ranik, Trent
murmurs. Who is she?
I spit a swear and lean back in the sofa,
then lean forward again and mess my hair up. My
head hurts. Im worried as shit about Alices
wounds, but I cant go in there and risk buggin
her. I knew the look in her eyes always distrustin me like most people do, but it hurt more
to see it from her. And now? Now shell never
trust me. I fuckin deserve it, though, for being a
weird creep and beating off to her, taking

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pictures of her, getting hard-ons when shes just

trying to show me what shes learned, what I told
her to learn.
This is my karma. I got crazy from the
way she ground on Ned for no reason, and chased
her off and made her hurt herself. Now theres no
question - she definitely hates me.
Im definitely not the kind of guy shed
ever like.
You wont tell anybody? I point at
Trent and Miranda. They nod. Because I trust
you.
We wont, Ranik. I swear, Trent says.

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I swear, Miranda nods furiously. I

heave a sigh.
Alice is in love with Theo Morrison. She
asked me to teach her how to nab him. And in exchange, she does all my homework.
The radio guy? Miranda wrinkles her
nose. Who looks like a Ken doll?
My chuckle is dark. The one and only.
So youve been teaching herwhat exactly? Trent asks. I shrug.
Shes a total noob to datin. Mostly innocent stuff - hand holding, what panties to wear.

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Stuff every girl should know but she somehow

doesnt. Its like nobody ever taught her.
More like she had no time, Miranda
murmurs. I always see her in the library. Its
like she lives there or something. She was probably like that in high school, too.
And tonight? Trent asks.
Tonight, I sigh. I was teaching her
about dancin. Or, Barbara was.
And then you went nuts, Miranda says
happily.
I dunno what that was, I snap. So lay
off me, okay? It was probably just the booze.

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Miranda laughs and gets up for a glass of

water in the kitchen. Trent shakes his head at me.
It wasnt the booze, Ranik.
Wassat supposed to mean?
Not much. Just that, when we drove up
and I saw your faceIve never seen you that
worried about any girl in my life.
Im not fuckin worried, I sit back, laying my arms across the couch and putting my feet
up. Do I look fuckin worried?
Trents quiet, then he goes back to watching the TV. Miranda opens a bag of chips and
munches noisily, rummaging in the fridge. When

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Seth comes out of my room and I hear the door

click, I bolt up immediately and launch myself
over the back of the couch to intercept him.
So? I ask. Seths face is all serious, but
with hints of a smile.
She passed out. She told me to tell you
shes sorry for ruining your birthday party.
Sh-Sheshe didnt ruin anything, I
sputter. Seth laughs.
Tell that to her, in the morning. She
needs rest.
I can get the air mattress out, Trent offers to me.

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Nah. Sokay. The couchll do just fine.

You hate this couch.
I said its okay, alright?
Trent puts his hands up in surrender, and
turns the TV off, lumbering toward his room.
Sure. Im beat, so. Goodnight.
Night! Miranda chirps, breezing past
me with a chocolate milk. Seth follows her to
their room, patting my shoulder as he passes.
Shell be okay, Ranik. Try to get some
sleep.
I flush. Like I care!

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Seth just chuckles and closes the door to

their room. The living room is dark and quiet and
finally, sweet-Jesus-mercifully empty. I turn off
the lights and clean up Mirandas chip mess before pulling a blanket out of the closet and collapsin on the couch. The springs dig into my
back and its too small, but sfine. Its worth it, if
Alice gets a good nights sleep in my bed.
My bed. Alice in my bed. Even fuckin
now, knowing she hates me and is injured real
bad, my cock aint giving up. It springs to life at
the thought of Alice in my bed, her hair on my

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pillow, her legs in my sheets. Cut it the fuck out,

dick! Shes banged up!
She isnt banged up enough, wink wink.
I groan and roll over. Im not fifteen. Ive
been with too many women to fuckin count
anymore. Thirty-five? Thirty-seven? I was keepin track at the beginning of this year, but I lost it
when every girl suddenly decided they liked tattoos and boys with crooked, dumbass grins in
college. Im not a pre-teen and Im not inexperienced I should be way better at not gettin a
woody. But here I am, excited as sin about the

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one girl I cant never have, whos sleeping not

twenty feet away from me in my own bed.
I resist the creepster maximus urge to tiptoe in and look at her. Ive done enough damage.
Best thing I can do now is get better. Get colder,
pull back. I gotta be more like her businessy
and professional and distant. Im just fucking
things up by being myself; getting her hurt and
ruining the chance for us to even be friends. So I
gotta get colder. I can do it. Ive done it before, I
do it with every other girl. Wont be that hard.
Just gotta concentrate.

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Just gotta get that mental image of her

dancing, swaying her luscious hips, every part of
her bouncing in the same way I wanna make her
bounce
I screw my face up and swear into my
fist. This is gettin ridiculous. Why am I so hung
up on one girl? Shes just one girl. Shes just - I
pull out my phone and suddenly Im starin at the
picture I snuck of her at the caf. Shes not just
one girl. Shes a great girl. Her smiles so happy
almost as happy as the one I saw on her tonight
as she was dancing. I thought it was Ned who
was makin her smile like that, but then she told

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me she was showing me her dance moves, and I

realized I shoulda known better. She wasnt smiling because some sleazeball was up in her grill
she was smiling because she was proud. Cause
she was learning real well. Cause she wanted me
to be proud of her. And I fucked that up by getting weird.
My hands still remember the exact curve
of her hips, the sound of her sigh, and the rose-y
scent of her hair. I groan again and pull the
blanket over my face. Im a hundred percent losing it, and I dont even know what it is. Shes

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always so sad-looking, but when she smiles like

that I just lose it even harder.
All I know is I gotta be better. Colder. I
gotta. For Alice. For her lessons. I gotta be a better teacher so that someday soon she can nab the
guy she really loves.
I gotta stop losing it over her, so she can
be happy.

***

My eyes open groggily. The smell of pine

fills my nose, and late-morning sun filters in

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through the windows and onto the plaid bedspreads. Plaid? These arent my purple ones.
Where am I? Whose bed is this? My heart does a
somersault when I realize this is the first time
Ive woken up in someone elses bed. And when
I

look

around

and

suddenly

remember

everything, it stops beating altogether when I

realize Im in Raniks. The half-naked poster
lady on the back of his door reminds me of how
many girls have been in this bed before. I cant
help but note how remarkably plain his room is,
and neat. He doesnt own much a guitar some
books. The only photo is a single picture in a

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glass frame on his desk of a beautifully elegant,

smiling dark-haired woman holding an equally
dark-haired baby. Ranik? And his mom?
No, this is wrong. I shouldnt be here.
I throw the covers off and wince as I
stand. Every scrape throbs dully, the gauze on my
hands and thighs stained faintly red. Im still
wearing the black dress Charlotte lent me, and
my purse is on the bedside table. My phone is
full of messages from her, and I quickly text back
to let her know Im alright, and that Im coming
home soon. I turn it off to save battery, and

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hobble my way out of the door only to be greeted

by none other than Ranik, bearing a tray of food.
Hey! He smiles. Good morning, Princess! I know youre breakfast person. And I
thought you could use some energy. Blood loss,
and all that.
I back up and watch as he puts the tray on
the bed. Theres orange juice, toast with cinnamon sugar and butter, and sliced pears and strawberries decorated with a bit of pretty basil on top.
You dont gotta eat it, He says quickly,
and jingles his car keys. We can just go right
now and drop you off, if you want. Oh, except

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you might want those to help with the pain, He

gestures to the two advil pills next to the orange
juice on the tray.
I squint at the cinnamon toast. Did
youis that a smiley face made of sugar?
Heh. Caught that, did you? My mom always said happy food makes happy stomachs.
His laugh is light, but his tone struggles,
dipping dark for a moment.
What happened to her? I ask softly. If
you dont mind me asking?

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Raniks green-streaked eyes catch on the

glass framed picture behind me, his mouth drawing tight over itself.
Walked into the woods one day behind
the trailer park, and never came back.
Im quiet. Ranik chuckles bitterly.
Hah, well. Thats not entirely true. She
came back. In a bag.
Imso sorry.
Dont be. It was a long time ago. Eat.
And uh, theres a change of clothes for you, if
that dress is uncomfortable. Mirandas stuff. She

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said you could give it back at school. And the

shower is right across the hall. If you want.
He motions to a skull shirt, a pair of black
jean shorts, and flip-flops on the end of the bed,
and quickly moves to leave.
Ill just be waiting out in the living
room, whenever youre ready to go.
Ranik I say, and he turns. Im very
grateful. Thank you.
His eyes spark playfully. Grateful, Princess? What for? Dont think this is comin for
free, do you? This is all one big lesson etiquette
the morning after you spend a night with a dude.

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Shouldnt I have been the one to make

you breakfast, then?
No way. Dude always makes it for the
lady. If any guy wants you to make him breakfast
after you did him the honor of sexin, hes a lazy
ungrateful buttmunch. Dump him.
What if I want to make him breakfast?
Ranik smiles. Then hes one lucky
sonofabitch.
He leaves, and I consider following him
and asking for a ride immediately home, but my
stomach gives the greatest growl Ive ever heard
from it. I sit on the bed and eat my toast quietly,

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laughing to myself at the smiley face in the sugar.

Mountford Universitys resident playboy makes
toast with smiley faces on it. If only they knew. I
down the pain pills and eat a few strawberries.
He arranged everything so neatly it almost looks
like a magazine photo. He must have spent a lot
of time on it.
I clutch the change of clothes to my chest.
My dress is sweat-soaked and itchy, and I cant
stand another second of it. I wander into the hall.
The apartment is seemingly empty except for
Ranik, sitting on the couch and texting on his

422/755

phone. I clear my throat, and he jumps, immediately standing.

You ready? He asks.
II wanted to shower first, I say. If
thats alright.
Oh. Raniks forehead turns a little red.
Sure thing. Take your time. Or, dont, shit. I
He starts laughing, and rubs his face. I dont
know if Im bein too nice again or not. Sorry.
Dont mean to be.
Its fine, I say. This is all just a lesson,
right? So its permitted.
He brightens. Gotcha.

423/755

I push into the bathroom and shut the

door. Its crowded with Mirandas makeup and
Seths hair combs. Raniks many silver rings
hang in a clear slip on the door. Trents huge
towel dwarfs everyone elses on the rack. I rummage in the closet and find a clean one. I peel my
gauze back with soft hisses. The scabs have
formed well, but theyre still wet and tender.
The warm water is invigorating, washing
away a night of grime and glitter and smoke. I
carefully dab a little of someones shampoo into
my palm and wash my hair. Mirandas things are
the perfect size, if a little small. I re-gauze my

424/755

injuries and dry my hair as best I can and walk

out.
Ranik stands up immediately again, keys
in his hand. You ready?
Its alright. I dont want to go quite yet,
so you dont have to be so quick to offer.
I promised, He sets his lip stubbornly.
I promised last night Id take you home right
away, so I
I understand. Thank you for being considerate of my wishes. But Id like to finish
breakfast, first.

425/755

I go into the room and bring out the tray,

placing it on the coffee table between us. Ranik
diligently texts on his phone, very focused, and I
nibble pear and sip orange juice. He stops to sniff
the air, then turns a lighter shade of pink and
busies himself with more typing.
Something wrong? I ask. He shakes his
head, a sudden frown emerging.
Its nothin. Anyway, while youre here
we might as well go over the rest of the lesson.
Which is?
Pillow talk.
I quirk a brow. He clears his throat.

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Normally you do that before breakfast,

or showers, and while lyin in a bed. But, we
gotta make do with what we got, so -
I stand and walk to his room. When he
doesnt follow, I poke my head around the
corner.
Are you coming?
His voice is carefully-controlled, yet
strangled. Coming where?
Authentic learning needs authentic experience. The least we can do is lie down for this
pillow talk lesson.

427/755

I go in and sit on the bed, lying on the

right side. After a moment, Ranik comes in, looking every bit the part of a sheepish child who
might be yelled at at any moment. He sits on the
edge of the left side.
Are you sure about this, Princess? He
asks. I blink at him.
Of course I am. You are my teacher, are
you not?
You dontlast night you said you dont
trust me.
I was injured, I say. And angry.
But you still said it.

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I tend to say very mean things sometimes. Im sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
Youve taught me well, and I want to learn more
from you.
This pulls a laugh from him, a laugh that
wrinkles his eyes.
You talk so stiff. Its like Im talking to a
person from old times or somethin.
I recoil, a fire of shame licking at my
edges. Im sorry, I
Hey, He says soothingly, finally lying
down. Snot a bad thing. Dont gotta apologize.
Itsdifferent. In a good way.

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Other boys dont share your views.

Yeah, well. Theyre idiots.
Theo doesnt mind, either, I say, smiling. Hes very patient with me in that way.
Yeah? Thats good.
I roll over on my belly, and look Ranik in
the eye. Hes very close, his arm touching my
waist. I can see his chest as it rises and falls with
his breath.
So, lets get started, teacher.
Ranik goes still for a long moment, then
inhales and flips over on his belly, too.

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Pillow

talk

comes

after

fuckin,

obviously.
Obviously, I agree.
Its mostly random, so like, I might talk
about my childhood, or my work. Well, Theo
will probably talk about those things. Thats
standard for a typical white dude.
What would you talk about?
Ranik smirks a lopsided, charming smirk.
With you? Shit, anything fun. Anything thatd
make you laugh. Like, maybe my parrot story, or
my ladder story, or the old man with seven hundred yams story.

431/755

Seven hundred yams? My eyes widen.

Oh yeah. He had em all in his truck
ready to sell at the farmers market down the
road. He and his wife put them in there, and then
he drives off. He sells all his yams, and hes so
excited to come home and tell his wife. He looks
all over for her, but he cant find her.
I frown. Ranik leans in, and I can smell
the aftershave on him and see the tiny gold flecks
in his excited eyes, like stardust.
So he calls the police, and they file a
missing persons report. Months pass, and finally
one day she just shows up at the door.

432/755

What?
Yeah! And the old guy says, honey,
where were you? And the wife goes; you buried
me in potatoes when we were loading! You sold
me to Doc Grayson at the market, you idiot! And
then he asks; Why didnt you come home earlier?
And she says; I had to wait for him to finish his
bag of yams, first, you idiot!
Ranik rolls with laughter. The joke is unfunny and sort of an inside joke among country
folk, I assume, but his reaction is so absurdly
amused I start laughing, too.

433/755

So people justtell each other jokes

after sex? I ask when weve calmed down.
Ranik shrugs.
The way I do it? Not usually. Not much
time for talkin. They leave pretty quick after, or
kick me out.
Thats the exact opposite of what Ive
heard, I say. I hear you kick them out. In the
rain.
Ranik looks appalled. What? Thats bullshit! I aint never kicked a lady out from my bed,
especially not in the rain, I swear to you. Ask
Trent, or any of em. Id never do that.

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I search his eyes, and realize hes telling

the truth.
Rumors are vicious, I surmise.
The ones about you aint too pretty
either.
Oh? Do tell.
Snot worth repeating, He growls.
Besides, no one actually believes theyre true.
Why?
Because no one really knows you. Rumors are half-truths, you know? Spun by people
who know you, who wanna hurt you. Nobodys
good friends with you, or, shit, even enemies, so

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they cant make a decent rumor about you to save

their life.
Charlottes my friend, I defend. But
shed never make a rumor about me.
Charlotte? With the curls?
Yes. Weve known each other since
middle school.
Trent and Ive known each other since
kindergarten, Ranik nods. Sgood to have a
friend from childhood like that. Means you aint
all robot.
I frown, and he backpedals.

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Shit, sorry Princess. Forgot you dont

like that name.
I stare at the pillow, now damp with the
indents of my wet hair.
It was what my classmates used to call
me, I say slowly. You talk like a robot. Why
dont you ask robot girl? Get robot girl in our
group, shell do all the work. Shes got no feelings, like a robot. Heartless robot. Bitchy robot
girl. I smile at Ranik. In a way they were
right, I suppose.

437/755

Right about what? Thats all bullshit.

They were just jealous of your brains and poise.
You got feelings. You aint heartless, neither.
I certainly havent been very nice to
you.
He shrugs. I got lots of other girls to be
nice to me.
My stomach shrinks oddly at that, but I
keep talking.
Youve been trying to teach me, and Ive
been so defensive. It must be hard to have me as
a student. I thinkIm scared. Im scared of not
doing well at these lessons, and then of failing.

438/755

Im scared of losing my one chance with Theo,

and Ive been taking that out on you. I
apologize.
I gotta apologize too, He musses up his
midnight hair. For last night. Didnt mean to
drag you off the dance floor like that. Wasnt
very gentlemanly of me.
Implying you try to be gentlemanly all
other times? I smirk.
Ocourse! I might be a cocky dumbass,
but I aint a jerk. I hate jerks.
You werent a jerk. It was nice, to see
your friends at the club. Theres a beat, and I

439/755

feel my face rise with a blush. It was nice to

dance with you -
I turn my head just in time for him to capture my lips with his own soft ones. Its a timid,
feather-light kiss my very first. My eyes flutter
shut and Ranik cups my cheek in his rough hand,
brushing my jaw with his thumb. Hes so gentle.
What feels like the static from a tesla coil runs
under my skin and down into my spine. But it
only lasts a second, because he pulls away
quickly.

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L-Lesson, His voice is strangled as he

licks his lips. That was a lesson. Shit, I didnt
even fuck.
He buries his face in his hands, body tensing with anger.
Whats wrong? Was I that bad? I ask.
Green-gold eyes peer at me from over his arms,
shame heavy in them.
No, no, you were great! Shit, uh, I just
mean - that was your first kiss. And I took it. I
took it instead of Theo like you probably wanted.
Im sorry. Im so fucking sorry, I wasnt thinkin

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and I just did it, I never think before I do stuff

and I always fuck shit up like this!
He sits up, pounding his fist into the
pillow.
Dont be hard on yourself, I put my
hand on his shoulder. I dont put any particular
stock in first kisses. Ive always found it rather
strange girls put so much emphasis on it. Besides,
I would rather be experienced when I kiss Theo. I
would much rather impress him than give him a
lackluster first kiss.
The shame lifts from him like a dark
cloud, bit by bit. He straightens, face suddenly

442/755

set and serious. His whole body stretches out on

the bed, limbs long and taut like a reclining lion.
His tattoos curl and uncurl on his tensing
muscles.
Right. So. Kissin, okay? That was just a
little kiss, not friendly, because friendly kisses
are pecks on the cheek He quickly pecks me
on the cheek to show me. - but that wasnt a
full-on sex kiss neither. That wassomewhere
in-between. A couples kiss, I guess youd call
it.
It felt very nice, I smile. Ranik flushes,
struggling to maintain his business-like faade.

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Im real glad. Thought youd hate me for

it.
I cant hate you for anything thats a lesson, I say carefully. Youre teaching me, and
example is a very good way to teach.
Soooo, I could kiss you again, right now,
and you wouldnt mind?
Yes. As long as it was instructional.
Raniks smirk is suddenly devious and
borderline evil. He leans in this time, looking at
my lips with his face hovering inches in front of
me. I can count every dark eyelash of his, every
laugh-line. His breath is minty and hot, and the

444/755

cord of his neck strains in an enticing way. His

lips move in, and I move for them, but he pulls
back and laughs softly.
Ah ah ah, Princess. You cant just dive
in all gung-ho. Theo might get the wrong idea
and think youre demandin something.
Ranik hovers near me, so close yet so far,
and I squirm and frown, eager for the static sensation again. Ranik just laughs more.
Hah, youre too cute when you pout like
that.
The word cute drops on my head like a
bombshell, dazing me. Cute? No one has ever

445/755

called me that, honestly and truly. Bitchy, yes.

Stuck-up, yes. Frigid, yes. Cute? Never. But
Ranik says it like he means it, this time. I lean
forward faster than he can pull back, and lock my
inexperienced lips with his. My teeth scrape his
bottom lip and I think hell pull away, outraged,
but the groan that escapes his mouth instead
makes me braver. I bite just a little harder, and
Ranik snarls and mashes his mouth on mine, all
fire and passion as his tongue traces my lips and
then forces its way inside, frantically memorizing
my mouth.

446/755

This He pants between kissing me.

Is a sex kiss.
Hes suddenly on top of me, still kissing
me, straddling me with his legs. His shadow
looming over me only stokes the static ripples in
my skin higher, the anticipation of something unknown yet impending building instinctually in
my body. This is much better than simply thinking of Theo in my own bed. The pleasure is hotter, brighter, more real. My lips feel bruised
when Ranik finally pulls away. His eyes roam up
and down my body underneath him, hazel eyes
glazed in that same way I saw on the boy in the

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club. But this glaze is a thousand times more intense, tinted with darkness, and filled with
something like painful longing. Just when I think
hes going to lean in to kiss me again, he buries
his head in my neck, sniffing. I cant help the
laugh that escapes me.
Excuse me, Mr. Mason. Is this part of
the lesson, too?
Sorry, sjust, you smell like me. My
shampoo.
And you like it because youre a narcissist? I smirk.

448/755

I like it because, Ranik sighs happily in

my ear. Because the thought of leaving my
smell on you
He chokes on the words, sitting up abruptly and rolling off me. He clears his throat as
he stands from the bed, posture rigid. The sudden
change in him - from languid ease to tense and
tightly-wound - is startling, unnatural. Brutally
forced.
Thats it for today, He says, oddly
strangled. You got to experience the innocent
kiss, the couples kiss, and the sex kiss. Thats

449/755

the difference between em. Lesson over. Lets

get you home.
A thorn of mysterious disappointment
lodges in my side, but I quickly shake it out. This
is no time for distraction or sentiment. I file away
the newly acquired experience as Ranik walks
with me to his car.
When should I kiss Theo? I ask as he
pulls out of the parking lot. Or should I wait for
him to kiss me?
What do you want? Ranik asks. Most
girls want guys to kiss them first.

450/755

I dont care who does what first, as long

as I get kissed.
He laughs, the sound clear. Practical as
always. He glances sideways at me. So, you
like kissin now or something?
Yes. Its very interesting and fun and Id
like to do more of it. As soon as possible.
You can always call me. Well consider
it extra lessons or somethin. Extra credit.
When we pull up to my dorm, Ranik
helps me out of the car.
Well, Ill bring you my homework in the
next coupla days. See you then?

451/755

Yes. Thank you for everything. The

breakfast, the lessons -
The kiss. Kisses, plural. The many wonderful kisses.
It goes unsaid. Theres a strange tense
quiet. Ranik shoves his hands in his pockets as he
smiles crookedly.
Hah, snothing. Just doing my job as
your teacher, right?
I nod and watch him go. He doesnt get
five steps past a distant tree before a girl with
short auburn hair latches on to his arm, giggling.
He slaps her butt, and she only giggles harder.

452/755

Some foreign part of me is angry at the display,

deeply, but that too I shake off. Ranik is simply
Ranik first, and my teacher second. He will never
not be a playboy. Just because we kissed today
doesnt mean hes my boyfriend now. I scoff at
the idea Ranik? Someones boyfriend? Never.
Boytoy, maybe, or boy-friend-with-benefits. But
never an official boyfriend of anyone. Official
boyfriend and Ranik are two opposite terms.
But still, despite the fact I know he has no
obligation to me, the anger lingers. It only dispels
when I go to the library and see Theo. Hes
studying acoustic mathematics at a table, a

453/755

serious look on his handsome face. My heart

whispers fantasies instantly Theo kissing me
like Ranik did. I slide in the seat opposite with
my own textbook nervously.
Hi, I say. Theo looks up and smiles.
Whats

up,

Alice?

Nicewardrobe

change.
I look down at my skull shirt and ripped
jean shorts, and flush.
A friend leant me these. Theyre only
temporary.
Oh man, what are those? He points to
my gauze-wrapped hands, and I sheepishly shrug.

454/755

I fell and skinned my hands.

His face etches with worry. Looks like
they hurt. Youve got to be more careful.
I finger the bandages. His care and concern for me melts my insides. I take a deep breath
and will all my courage up, demand it come forward as my eyes lock on his lips. I lean across the
table Who has to be more what? A cheery
voice breathlessly interrupts. I look up to see
Grace, her dark hair in a ponytail and her hoodie
bright purple with green clovers all over it.
Hello, I say. Im Alice.

455/755

Grace beams at me. Im Grace. Oooh,

what do you have there? She peeks at my textbook title. Depth Analysis of the Male
Anatomy?
For my biology class, I say quickly.
Ah, the reproductive section, eh? Theo
smiles. Get ready for the most hilarious quizzes
of your life.
Were not all super-immature, Theo,
Grace chides, then whispers to me. But I totally
drew a dick with a face on the extra credit
question.

456/755

I laugh. I dont think Ive ever drawn a

penis before.
Really? Graces dark eyes go wide.
But youve seen one before, right?
I shoot a helpless look at Theo and blush.
I
Leave her alone, Grace, Theo says patiently. She doesnt.
You mean youve really never seen a
dick before? Graces eyes light up. Not even,
like, a kid you babysat when you changed his diaper? Or what about your grandpas when he gets
too old to keep his pants up anymore?

457/755

Im not especially good with children, I

say. And my grandparents were dead before I
was born.
But, like, Grace leans in and whispers.
Porn? Theres lots in porn.
I blush harder. Ive never, um.
Oh my god, Grace pulls back. Wow.
Wow thatsthats amazing! Ive never met
someone who
Cmon, Grace. Leave her alone, Theo
says with more force. Grace frowns at him.
Im just curious! Its a really amazing
thing in this day and age! She turns back to me

458/755

and whispers again, eyes innocent. So does that

mean youre a lesbian?
No,

protest.

Ive

just

beenoccupied. For most of my teenage years.

So you could be a lesbian. You just
dont know yet.
Im fairly certain Im not, I insist. Theo
shoots me an apologetic look and stands, closing
his book.
Well, I better bounce, he says. The
show wont air itself tonight.

459/755

Ill come with you! Grace offers, then

turns to me with a smile. It was nice meeting
you, Alice.
I smile wanly. She obviously doesnt
know how much her words affected me. Perhaps
she never knows. It was a pleasure, Grace. Have
a nice night.
Theo hangs back as Grace skips ahead of
him and out of the library. Im really sorry about
that.
Its fine, I assure him. Im sure she
didnt mean any of it offensively.

460/755

Theo smiles and puts a hand on my

shoulder.
Youre a good person, Alice. Anybody
ever tell you that?
Youre the first.
Well, I should say it more often, then.
The heat of his hand courses through me,
spreading like a seed spreads roots into fertile
soil. It warms my heart and my lungs and my
blood. The urge to kiss him is still there, but all
my courage is gone, sapped by the doubt from
Graces words. Finally he pulls away, and with

461/755

one last smile, leaves. I watch the two of them

walk out of the library.
I take my textbook to a window seat overlooking the cherry trees behind the building.
Grace is voraciously curious, and never hesitates
to say whats on her mind. Now that Ive spoken
with her, I feel like I know her better. Id do well
to say whats on my mind more instead of holding it back and overanalyzing it to death. Not
only would Theo like it, but it seems very
liberating.

462/755

I pull out a pack of sticky notes and begin

marking important pages. Theres much studying
to be done.
After hours of work, I observe the stickynoted book with a lofty satisfaction. Ive
crammed as many diagrams and medical analysi
into my head as I can. All thats left is the practical application.
I text Ranik on my way back to the dorm.
Id like to learn about the penis next.

***

463/755

The text stops me in my tracks. Keri,

walking next to me, stops too.
Something wrong? She chirps, her
voice that weird too-sweet tone most girls get
when theyre with dudes they barely know but
wanna bang anyway. My eyes flicker from the
text to her and back again.
Alice wants to learn about dicks.
I fight a groan as the stiffy Id been workin so hard to hide from Alice pops right back
up again with a vengeance. Kissing her, seeing
her under me and smiling on my bed got me hard
and hot as volcanic glass, but I managed to keep

464/755

it outta her eagle-eyed notice. Id jumped out of

the car and sighed in relief when I saw Keri a
second-string varsity tennis player who slept with
me at the beginning of the year. Kerid be happy
to help me with the hard-on from Alices lips.
And her breasts through that thin skull t-shirt.
And the smell of her hair
Keris no Alice dyed red hair instead of
platinum blonde. Keris short and curvy where
Alice is long and graceful. Keris GPA is miserable and she dont got the wit or balls to fling an
insult thatd hurt a fly, let alone a human being,
but shes friendly and smiley and most important

465/755

she dont mind sleeping with me, and second

most important is she dont care if I think about
someone else while doin it.
And I will.
Maybe Ill always think about Alice
instead.
Keri pokes me in my side. Hey, is
something wrong? You look like youve been
electrocuted.
I look back down at the text. Alice wants
to learn more about dicks. Id be fuckin happy to
teach her more with mine, right now. I could still
turn around and hunt her down and kiss her again

466/755

and again, deep and hard to let her know I want

my cock in her like Im putting my tongue in her,
and I could tell her its a lesson. This is the lesson
you wanted, Alice, Id say as Id run my hands
under her shirt, teasing her nipples to peaks. Itd
taken everythin in me not to do that on my bed
just a few minutes ago, but I could let loose, its
not too late, she wants a lesson and Ive been
achin since day one to give her it
Theo

doesnt

mind,

either.

Alice

smiled. Hes very patient with me in that way.

Her lovestruck voice comes out of my
memories and my urge to turn around and find

467/755

her goes out like a candle on a windy night. Poof.

Gone. Just like that.
It aint me she cares about.
I gotta be colder.
Hey, Keri tries for the third time.
Youre kinda freaking me out here.
I face her and grin. Hah, sorry bout that.
Just some weird shit going on with friends.
Drama, you know?
Sure. She shrugs. Are you still up for
this or?
Her eyes flit to my crotch. Theres a
second of desperation in me, all dark and cold,

468/755

and Im disappointed for the millionth time that a

girl only wants me for the sex. That she doesnt
give a shit about my feelings or my life. I force a
laugh and shake my head.
Nah. Sorry. Maybe another time.
I leave her looking disappointed. Truth is,
Im good to go for hours. Alice saw to that. But
somethin in me, somethin weird and new,
doesnt give a shit. The urge to fuck something,
anything to get Alice outta my system just aint
there anymore.
Wait, thats wrong. The urge is still there.
But it doesnt wanna fuck just anything. It wants

469/755

Alice. And it wants more than just a simple fuck.

It wants to hold her, make her laugh and smile,
brush the hair out of her gorgeous eyes, cook her
something she likes, kiss her wrists at the beach
and hug her from behind at museums and finger
her inside my shower, against the kitchen sink,
dig my teeth into her neck and press her up
against the wall until she loses her mind and her
iron self-control and screams my name.
Thats what it wants.
Thats what I fuckin want.
But Im never, ever, in a million years,
gonna get it.

470/755

I look at myself in my rearview mirror.

Theres no straight golden angel hair like Theo
has, just a scraggly, wild, dark-as-sin mop. I aint
an ugly guy by any means, but Im not countryclub wholesome like Theo. His nose is straight,
mines crooked from being broken twice (Thanks
for that, Dad). Theos smart and well-off, and
hes got a good future goin for him, and a notfucked up family. What do I got that he doesnt?
I can please a lady and land a mean uppercut and
outsmoke a beef jerky factory. But Im failing
my classes, no matter how hard I take notes or
study. Im stupid. And I aint never been in a

471/755

relationship before. Dont know the first thing

about em, or love. Theo has. Theo can do so
much more for Alice.
All I can do for her is teach her how to be
with him.
Pain runs through my chest, the sort of
mean-ass ache that Dads bruises used to leave,
only a hundred times worse and more raw and on
the inside. I double over the steering wheel and
try to breathe through it like I taught myself.
Breathe deep, lots. Hide yourself somewhere
dark, so the pain cant find you when it comes
back piss-drunk and mad as hell.

472/755

I gotta stop.
This dumb bullshit has gotta stop.
Whatever this is, its hurtin me. And if
theres one thing Ive learned in my life, its to
leave whatevers hurting me behind. Far behind.
Cut it all out of you.
I drive to the one person wholl understand, the one person who understood my problems before.
Barbaras wig is bright blue, today. She
smiles behind the bar as she cleans each glass
with a worn rag, one by one. The clubs empty,

473/755

only an old man in a suit drinking at the end of

the bar alone.
Hey there, sweetie, Barbaras eyes
dance. Rough day at school?
I flop onto the barstool and put my head
in my arms. Barbara clicks her tongue.
Oh, I know that look.
I scowl. What look?
The look of a man in love.
I roll my eyes and scoff. Thats a bunch
of horseshit.
Honey, you dont run a club for fifteen
years without seeing your share of lovesick faces.

474/755

I can pinpoint a heartbroken man at twenty

yards.
She pours something, and I feel a cool
glass slide against my arm.
I know you dont drink much anymore,
but I think itd do you good.
I wrinkle my nose at the glass. As long
as it aint whiskey.
Lor de Jean Martell, Barbara pronounces with a flawless French accent. Its a
good cognac.
I sip at it. The strong sting warms my
throat, makes my blood run hot. Whiskey would

475/755

make it run hotter. Whiskey would make it run

like Dads.
So. Barbara puts her chin in her hands.
Whos the lucky lady?
Lucky? I scoff and sip more. More
like unlucky.
Barbara waits, patiently, for me to finish.
I trace the lip of the glass.
All I do is fuck with her head, I say.
Why?
Because shes fuckin with mine.
Barbara raises one thin, drawn-on eyebrow. Oh? Just who is this conniving minx?

476/755

I get angry when I hear her call Alice that,

and then I realize how dumb it sounds.
She aint conniving. I mean, shes smart,
but shes not the type of person to trick anybody.
Shesshes sure as hell a red-hot minx,
though.
Barbara smiles. Ahh, so its her. The girl
you brought on your birthday. Alice.
I grunt. Barbara knows to take it as a
yes.
So, shes fucking with your head, is
she?

477/755

No. Not on purpose, okay? Shes just

driving me crazy withwith how she is normally, I breathe out.
Youre attracted to her.
I give her a duh face.
But if I remember right, isnt she in love
with someone else? And arent you helping her
win him over?
Thats why this sucks so hard.
Oh sweetie, Barbara sighs. If you like
her so much, you should really just tell her.
And what, ruin everythin? If I tell her,
Barb, shell just freak out and stop coming to me.

478/755

Not that shes cumming to me at all, which is

really the problem in the first place
Barbara gives me a stern look. You like
this girl for more than just her vagina, right?
Jesus, yes! I throw my hands up. I
mean, shit, Id be fuckin thrilled to have sex
with her, you know, if she wanted to, not that she
wants to because she doesnt and wont ever, not
with someone like me, and Im fine with that, I
mean Im not fine, its just
I fiddle with the glass and frown.
I justI just want her to be happy. She
deserves that. And if it aint with me, then I want

479/755

it to be with someone she likes. Ill do anything if

it means she gets to be happy, period. Thats all.
Barbara puts her hand over mine. Oh,
my sweet Ranik.
Dont pity me or nothin, I grumble and
pull my hand away.
No, of course not. Youre such a wonderful boy, and this girl is very lucky you care
about her so much. Just dont forget you deserve
to be happy too, alright? Even if it risks your
friendship, it might be better to tell her how you
feel. Before its too late.

480/755

Im quiet as the grave. Barbara cleans

more glasses before braving the silence.
So why did you agree to help her win
this boy over in the first place?
I shrug and down the rest of the cognac.
She promised to help me with my assignments.
Do em for me. And I was failin everything, so I
agreed.
And now youre not failing.
Well, yeah. I mean, Im up to a B average now thanks to her hard work.

481/755

And Im sure shes on the verge of gaining enough courage to ask her loverboy out
thanks to your hard work.
My stomach ties itself into knots, the
cognac dancin angrily in it.
Probably.
You came to us in a terrible state. Barbara cleans another glass slowly. All those
bruises, and that dislocated arm Id never seen
anything like it, not even running a club with
rowdy customers. You were beat to shit. And you
were running. And thats all we knew.

482/755

Her words go sour in my ears. Barbara

grins and pours a seltzer water for herself, drinking slowly and watching me over the glass before
speakin again.
I gave you a place and a job because I
was you, a long time ago. I was beat for who I
was, and I ran, too. But no one was there to give
me a bed in the back of their club. And I had to
do awful things just to make enough to live. I
spent years doing those things. But you? You
pulled yourself right back up, applied to Mountford, and got in.

483/755

Luck, I grunt. Barbara smacks me with

her drying rag.
Hard work, and dont you forget it.
I cant help but grin. Barbara always
makes me feel better. Shes got that gift.
Alright. Illthink about it. Telling her.
But not now. Not yet.
Barbara nods. I understand. Take your
time. Just dont take too long, you hear?
As I get up and leave the bar I laugh at
the stupidity of it all Ranik Mason, worried
about taking too long with a girl.

484/755

Just who the hell has Alice turned me

into?

Chapter 8
The sun gives light and love to the rose,
Who yearns to reach up and touch him.
But her roots are in the ground, deep and
dark
One day she asks the gardener to help,
And he obliges
Together they tear her roots up
Every day getting closer to the sun.
The rose tastes love with closer steps,
The gardener tastes remorse

486/755

Knowing the rose will never rest in his

garden again.
I put my pen down and look at the poem.
Who is who in this? Theo is the sun, I am the
rose, and the only one who can be the gardener
is.Ranik?
I shake my head. No. He has no remorse.
In fact, Id say hes incapable of it, the roughish
bastard.
Whatcha writinnnng? Charlotte singsongs, reading over my shoulder. I quickly close
the purple book and lock it.

487/755

Nothing! Just some composition for

English. Dont you have a date to be getting
dressed for?
Charlotte waves her hand dismissively.
Oh, please. You cant build anticipation in a guy
if you dont arrive at least ten minutes late.
I furrow my brow. Why would you want
to build anticipation?
So hell want you more, duh, She
winks. Deny him for a bit, and thatll just make
the surrender sweeter.
I frown. It sounds very childish.

488/755

Well it would to you, sweetie, Charlotte

sighs. You just dont understand guys.
I laugh. Youre right. I dont. But Im
learning. Slowly.
Oh yeah? Her eyes light up. Pray tell
how? Is there a certain boy in your life, now?
Someone whos name starts with a T-H-E-O and
ends in Beautiful?
Very funny, I drawl. Hes about as
aware of my feelings as we are of extraterrestrial
life outside our solar system.
You gotta step it up! Charlotte huffs,
checking her lipstick in the mirror one last time.

489/755

Him and Grace have been getting so cozy. She

whirls around, an evil glint in her eye. Do you
want me to sabotage her? In high school I got
really good at getting girls fat by giving em my
fresh-baked doughnuts in the mornings, and
You bake?
Its sort of the family business.
The sentiment behind your threat is
touching, I sigh. But no. Leave them alone. Ill
do things my way.
Oookay, Charlotte singsongs. But your
way has always been a little slow.

490/755

Well Im sorry Im not you, who moves

so fast, I snap. Charlotte looks wounded, and I
instantly regret it. Im sorry. Im so sorry. I just

Charlotte smiles patiently and hugs me.

Hey. Dont worry about it. I know its hard for
you. Just try your best. Id love to see you in a relationship, is all. I know Theo would make you
so, so happy.
Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and she
brings it out.
Oh, shit! Our dinner reservation was at
seven, not eight! Oh crap, Ive left him waiting

491/755

too long. Ill see you later, okay? Dont stay up

for me!
She grabs her jacket and bolts out the
door, leaving me to the silence of my empty
room and crammed phone. Seven missed calls
from Mom. The only other time shes called this
much in such a short amount of time was when
my Chem teacher in high school accidentally
gave me a D. She was beyond furious. So when I
saw the string of missed calls this time, I tried to
put off answering by writing poetry. Doing
Raniks work. Anything to give myself an excuse
not to call her back.

492/755

But now, with Charlotte gone and all the

work done and my poetry juices sapped dry, I
have nothing left. I have to call her back.
My finger hovers over her number, but I
never get to press it. Moms name lights up my
phone for the eighth time, and this time I answer.
H-Hello?
Alice! Thank god I finally got a hold of
you.
She soundsconcerned. Like she was
worried about me.
Mathers tells me you havent been attending his class, She snaps. Do you know how

493/755

much Im paying for you to go to that school,

young lady?
Mom, I tried to tell you
And I am telling you now, you will attend his classes. I wont have you wasting your
time goofing off when you could be spending it
bettering yourself! We spent all of your high
school years preparing you for this place, Alice!
Preparing you for greatness! You are so much
better than this, and you and I both know it!
Mom, please, just listen to me for a
second

494/755

I wont hear it. First you refuse to go to

my alma mater, then you choose that tiny place,
and now youre openly defying me by skipping
valuable classes! Im going to call Mathers in a
week, and if I dont hear from him that youve attended every single class, Im going to pull you
from that school. For good.
Mom! I shout to an empty dialtone
ringing hollowly against my ear. My shaking
hand lowers my phone. Something heavy settles
on my heart, something sick and burning. I feel
like puking, but nothing comes out. Its true

495/755

Ive never skipped a class. I would never. But

Mathers he tried to
The knock on my door makes me jump.

***

I jiggle my leg nervously in front of

Alices door. This could either make her hate me
forever, or get her exactly where she wants to be
with Theo. Either way, I lose. But its what she
wants, and Im her teacher, so.
I suck in a breath and knock.

496/755

Alice answers the door. I push past her

and stride in, letting my voice cover up how
nervous I am.
Hey there, Princess! Roommate not
around? Perfect. I got you somethin I think
youll like.
I dump the gift bag on Alices bed and
turn to face her. Its then I notice how white she
is, how sick-lookin.
Hey, are you okay? I look around for
anything or anyone that mightve upset her, anything I can throw out the door. I can leave, if
this is a bad time.

497/755

Alices blue eyes are frozen on me, but

theyre so distant, real far away in some other
world. She snaps out of it though, her mouth setting into a stiff line.
Im alright.
Uh, you clearly aint alright, I press.
Youre white as snow. You look like someone
punched you in the gut real hard.
Im fine, She insists, that imperial tone
workin its way back into her voice.
I can come back later, I start to turn to
leave, but she grabs my sleeve all at once.
No. Please, Her voice is low. Stay.

498/755

She sounds so vulnerable. I mask my

worry with a crooked grin.
Alright, you dont gotta say it twice.
Are you here for a lesson?
Yeah, I nod. I was in the neighborhood after Psych, so I thought Id stop by.
Youre looking to become a child psychologist, arent you? She asks smoothly as she
walks over to the gift bag on her bed.
Y-yeah. Howd you guess? Wait, dont
answer. Youre just smart like that. Shoulda
known.

499/755

Your coursework, Alice says. I put the

pieces together. Its an admirable profession.
I scratch the back of my neck, unused to
her praise. Or any praise.
I guess. When I was a kid I wish I had
someone to talk to, soI figured Id do that for
kids who wanted that, too.
It must be nice, She smiles at me. To
be able to choose your own path.
I knit my eyebrows. What, ya mean you
cant?

500/755

My mother has always wanted me to be

a neuroscientist, like herself. So that is what Im
going to be.
You dontyou dont gotta be that.
Theres options. Shit, with your smarts? You can
be anything! Anything you want!
Alice laughs, bitterly. It peters off into a
sad sorta chuckle.
Oh, Ranik. Youre so smart about some
things. But so nave about others.
Im about to open my mouth and argue
when she bends down and opens the giftbag. She
stares into it, blinkin once, twice, and then looks

501/755

up at me with an expressionless, possibly-catatonic look.

"Friendly reminder," I bounce on my toes.
"This is for that pretty manhunk you want so
much. Also, you said you wanted to learn about
dicks. So.
She reaches in and pulls out the fleshcolored dildo, and quirks a brow at me. "What is
this?"
"Oh, c'mon princess, it's a fake penis. A
dildo. Don't tell me you ain't seen a penis before.
With your looks, I'm sure some creeper in a
trenchcoat has flashed you before. Sidenote: Do

502/755

you have the name and address of said creeper,

and do you know if he enjoys bein stabbed?"
"I know what it is," She snaps. "I've taken
AP biology and I'm currently taking anthropology. I've studied the diagrams and cross sections
of male genitalia thoroughly."
"Oh have you?" I smirk. "Because you're
holding that thing like it's a hand grenade, not the
beloved wang of Sir Theo the Golden."
"What I meant was; why bring this to
me?"

503/755

"It was the plainest one I could find. Be

grateful. There was a diamond-studded one I was
seriously considerin for a bit."
"Ranik," she sighs. I throw up my hands.
"Fine, fine! I bought this because I
figured you could use the practice."
"Practice," She deadpans.
"Fuckin' practice," I sit on the bed beside
her. "It's not gonna always be about sexy lingerie,
or pillow talk about nuclear reactors or whatever
it is that turns you nerds on."
Alice stares at the dildo, then looks up at
me, and with a deadly serious face, says;

504/755

"I'm not going to use this."

A tinglin thrill runs through me, my
mind working overtime as it pictures her on the
bed, splayed out and sweaty and happily taking
advantage of the humble rod. For the millionth
time I mentally hose the sleaze out of my head
and force myself to focus.
"No, look, this ain't for you to use. Or,
shit, if you want it after this, fucking keep it.
Consider it a Christmas ass bonus. But honestly,
the textured ones are a lot -"
"Just tell me what I'm supposed to do
with this," she says.

505/755

"So, you wanna learn about the penis.

Fine. Thats a whole other ballgame from datin,
though. Sex is likeshit. Sex is the ocean, and
dating is the sky. Two totally different things,
okay?
They both contain fluid entities, She
muses. Air and water.
Ayyyy, I double finger-gun point at her.
Her face remains blank. Get it? Fluid entities?
What?
Uh, nevermind. Anyway, Im real glad
you asked about sex stuff, because now were finally getting into my area of expertise. We're

506/755

starting with the basics," I say. "Handjobs. May

I?"
I take the dildo from her and hold it
firmly at the base. The silicon paintjob glints
pathetically.
"So you're gonna pretend this is Theos
dick, okay? You've somehow managed to get it
out from his pants and his underwear, which,
lemme tell ya, is a fucking hassle. You're better
off just pullin his pants and boxers straight off.
Shit, I take that back. He definitely wears tightywhities. Those are way harder."
"Why?" She tilts her head.

507/755

"Well, there's no slit. At least with boxers,

there's a slit you can pull the dick out of. Tightywhities, you gotta just yank down."
"Yanking seems extremely unsexy."
I chuckle. "No shit. You gotta be suave
about it, or you'll ruin the mood. Or don't be
suave. Ruin the mood. Hopefully that'll get a
laugh out of him, and you can laugh together
about it. But I fuckin doubt it. He's got a stick up
his ass the size of the Empire State building, and
you don't know how to have fun."
I instantly regret saying that as Alice's
face darkens, and not in the imperious queenly

508/755

way it usually does when she's pissed. This is a

softer darkenin, a sadder darkenin. My chest
tightens and it's suddenly hard to breathe.
"Shit, no, I didn't mean that, Alice. You're
fine. It's not, like, your fault. You've just had a
miserable fuckin life, okay?"
"It wasn't miserable," She draws herself
up, that ice-queen mask quickly reforming. "Just
because it was less 'fun' compared to your wild
party life doesn't mean it didn't have merit. Just
because I didn't drink and copulate my way
through high school doesn't mean I didn't laugh. I
had fun. Sometimes."

509/755

"Studyin all night until you passed out?

Volunteering for every science and math fair and
never once gettin dressed up to go to prom, or,
shit, just have a night in for yourself? Your folks
only showed affection when you got good grades,
so you spent your whole life tryna impress them
so they'd give you a damn hug -"
You don't know what you're talking
about. You're here to teach me to seduce Theo,
not to psychoanalyze me. So start teaching."
She shuts down so fast I can practically
feel her icy armor blowin its cold-ass breath at
me. She just wants me for my experience. And I

510/755

keep forgetting that, gettin it mixed up with the

fact she might want me as a person. As a friend.
But I'm not a person to her. I'm a teacher. A resource. I'm just another textbook to add to her
bank of knowledge, even though I could be so
much more. I could show her. I could show her
how to have fun. How to enjoy life, instead of
muscling through it with a closed-off heart.
Alice clears her throat, voice businesslike and crisp. "You were discussing men's
underwear."
I struggle to be as detached and professional as her, even with my chest aching. I shake

511/755

my head. Why the fuck should I ache over this

ice princess who's using me and gonna throw me
away when shes done with me?
"Yeah. So, handjobs. Nothin fancy.
They'll get Theo excited, but they won't make
him cum. Or, they might. And if that's the case,
he's probably an over-sensitive virgin, which is
theo-retically still possible. Get it?"
She ignores the joke, peering at the dildo
closer. "So what you're saying is, handjobs are
for foreplay."
"Well, yeah. Mostly they let a guy know
you're interested. Rubbin your hand on a dude's

512/755

crotch is the scientifically best way to get his

attention."
Alice smirks. "Scientifically proven? Or
just time-tested?"
"A little bit of both." I put my hand
around the dildo. "Alright, so this is a gay thing
that risks my carefully built manly reputation, but
I'm doin it just for you, so you understand exactly what to do."
"What homoerotics go on in this room,
stay in this room."
I roll my eyes and grip the dildo. "The
shafts where the action is. A lot of girls think the

513/755

head is the best thing to go for, but it's sensitive.

Too much stimulation can result in, uh, early
cumming. Or it could just start feelin irritating.
Either way, you should focus on the shaft and
only visit the head sometimes."
"Right." She nods, jotting notes down
notes in her phone.
"Look," I grab her writing hand. "Enough,
okay? This is a hands-on lesson. Pun totally
intended."
"But -" She glances at the notes.
"I know they make you feel safe. I know
they...I know notes mean a shitload to you. But

514/755

right now, I need you to be here, with me, concentratin on what I'm doing. That's seriously the
best way to learn."
She perks up at the word 'learn', and drops
her pen, focusing on me. "Okay. I'm listening."
Her gaze is laser-like as I explain the different techniques - straight jackin, the twist, the
two-finger. It's a little uncomfortable, and when I
pass the dildo over to her so she can try, she jacks
it twice and a laugh bubbles up from her. I go
still.
"Wait - did you just - was that an actual
laugh?"

515/755

She watches her hand go up and down

and starts laughing again, the sound clear as
springwater.
"It-It's just...so silly. The thing looks
so...so silly!"
I look at the pathetic silicon dick and start
laughing, too.
"It looks like a damn worm," I say.
"Like a hairless whale," She clutches at
her chest to catch her breath. "Or the posterior
end of the medulla oblongata."
I laugh even harder at her nerd-ass comparison. The dorm room fills with the sound, the

516/755

late afternoon sunlight slantin through the window. It plays with her blonde hair, turning it to
molten honey. A few strands stick out from her
bun, the hairdo loose from a day's worth of
walkin. It would be so easy to reach up and pull
it out, to see it flowing around her shoulders
freely. The wind picks up and blows her scent at
me - no fancy perfume, just clean soap and a hint
of rose. Her laughter fades faster than I can commit it to memory. Its so much better than a
photo, though. Its a moment in time of her, and I
have it all to myself. She catches me starin and
looks away quickly.

517/755

"I apologize," She says. "I'm distracting

from the lesson. It won't happen again."
"Sall good. Distracting ain't all bad."
"It is," Alice insists. "You have places to
be, with people who are more interesting and fun
than me. Being here is boring for you, I know
that. So. It would be best to finish this lesson
quickly and efficiently, so that you can go."
Something in my lungs twists painfully.
"It's okay to take it slow."
Alice frowns, doubt clearly written on her
face. I nudge her on the forehead with the forgotten dildo.

518/755

"I'm not bored by you, idiot. I like

teachin you."
Her doubt melts, and blushing embarrassment takes it place. I can't believe this shit
Alice is blushing in front of me. Shes done it a
couple times, but this is different all over and
bright. The hard-ass, take-no-prisoners 4.2 GPA
girl of iron and thorns is blushin, her cheeks
pink and sweet. But then something in her
changes - the blush fades, her eyes lose their
spark, and she becomes all business again.
"I don't feel as though I'm learning
effectively."

519/755

"Yeah?" I scratch the back of my head.

"I've never been good at this teachin shit -"
"No, it's not your teaching methods," She
interrupts.

"You

are

passable.

It's

the...equipment." She motions at the dildo in my

hand. "It's hard to know if I'm doing it right,
simply because there's no response mechanism.
Learning is dependent on positive reinforcement,
and if it doesn't respond, I have no way of knowing if what I do is right. It's not very reassuring."
"Well, your hand movements look right,"
I say.
"But do you know for sure they're right?"

520/755

"Nope."
She sighs. "So even if approach Theo, I
might mess up."
"Yeah, but, shit. You might succeed, too."
"I can't afford to take that chance. Not
even once. Theo is...too valuable to risk." She
shoots me a look. "He's the first boy I've ever felt
this way about. I thought I was dysfunctional, or
perhaps a lesbian. I went for years without ever
once feeling struck by love. But then I met him
and I understood. I finally understood what all
those songs were about, all those poems by Keats
and Hemingway. He opened my eyes."

521/755

I ignore the sinking in my stomach.

"Sounds like he's fuck-off important to you."
"Yes. So I have to be nothing less than
perfect. I have to be as practiced and poised as I
can be. There can be no mistakes."
"That sounds like a bunch of shitty pressure you're puttin on yourself, there."
"Pressure is the one thing I'm used to."
Alice corrects. "I can handle pressure. I sought
you out to teach me how to handle the rest."
There's a weird, tense quiet, and then we
both blurt words at once.
"I think I can -"

522/755

"You wouldn't mind if -"

"Sorry, go ahead," I say. Alice shakes her
head.
"I was hoping you wouldn't mind being a
live test subject. For practice. And only this
once."
I'm careful to keep my eyes from bulgin
out of my skull. Alice? Asking permission to
give me a handjob?
"Look, Princess, I've had lots of girls -"
"I know!" She interrupts. "I know that
very well. Which is why I believe you'll do exceptionally as a test subject. I am inexperienced,

523/755

and it will be extremely lackluster. It will be so

bad, it'll allow you to maintain a clear head, so
that you can guide me and offer pointers while I
experiment."
"I think you underestimate yourself, and
the power of the female hand. It ain't matter how
bad you are, I'm still gonna react."
"But you will react clearly! That's so
much better than a lifeless plastic thing. I'll be
able to gauge your reactions and adjust
appropriately."

524/755

I squint at her, even as my half-mast

pushes insistently against my jeans. "But what
about you?"
"What about me?"
"You're alright with...with me being the
first...to..."
"But you're not really," She says quickly.
"It's just practice. For Theo. And I think it will be
educational."
I roll my eyes, but before I can get up and
walk out, she scoots over on the bed and puts her
hand on my thigh. Her stormy blue-gray eyes are
alive with that spark again, her fingers pressing

525/755

curious circles into my jeans. Every drunk fratboy on campus would kill to be in this position on a bed with Alice Wells, the late sun lighting
her hair with honey and her eyes with the sort of
passionate fire she only reserves for fucking
studyin, or test-taking. Learning. Learnin is
what she loves, and it's obvious in the way she's
eagerly touching me.
"N-No," I say, strained and hoarse. "Don't
paw at it. Open your hand and rub it up and down
-"

526/755

I suck in a breath as her palm runs over

me, soft at first, then hard. She looks at her hands
working, then up at me.
"Aha, the friction it produces is what
stimulates the skin. That makes much more
sense."
I groan and push her away by the
shoulders. "Alice, fucking - just stop. Just fuckin
stop."
"Did I do something wrong?" She tilts her
head.
"No, but - damnit, woman," I snarl. "I'm
not Theo. He's the one you care about."

527/755

She tilts her head the other way, like a

curious bird. The innocence in the motion just
makes me burn hotter and harder.
"I know. But you're my teacher. You have
to teach me." She looks down at my crotch.
"Besides, it doesn't make much sense to use a
plastic imitation when we have the real thing
right here. Live tests versus laboratory tests are
considerably more lucrative in terms of supportive control data."
I lean back against the wall and bang my
head on it, trying to clear the shitty static fuzz of
lust. I need to leave. I need to go. Nothing good

528/755

is gonna come out of this. This will just fuck me

up. But why? Why do I think it'll fuck me up? Is
it because I want her? Everyone with a dick
wants her. I'm not special. Theo's the only one
she cares about. It's not like I need girls to care
about me to jack me off. Hailey fondled me at the
concert last night while I fingered her, and she
has a boyfriend. Last week it was Kelsie, blowing
me behind the cherry tree by the sciences building, and shit, she has a girlfriend. I'm no stranger
to careless dick shenanigans with people who
don't genuinely feel for me. So why is this bothering me so fuckin much?

529/755

"I don't want you to do something you'll

regret, Princess," I finally say. I feel the tug of
my zipper too late - when it's already down, and
she's pulling at the hem of my jeans.
"I appreciate your concern, but I never regret learning, Ranik," She frowns, an almostpout. "I know it won't be the best on your end,
but I thank you for your sacrifice."
I can't tell if she's teasin me or not, and I
don't care, because the second her slender fingers
work their way through my boxers and find me,
every protest in my brain blanks to white noise.
Her fingertips are cool, her nails barely-there and

530/755

delicious smooth against my skin. She pulls me

out, straight and hard enough to cut glass, and her
eyes grow wide.
"Oh. I had no idea it gets that big."
I give her a feverish smirk. "T-That's just
me. Some guys are smaller. I'm sure Theo will be
tiny - Ah!" I cut off as she wraps her hand around
the base and squeezes.
"No more bragging from you," She sighs
loftily. I watch her self-satisfied smile blossom as
she jerks me, tight and strong. A moan tries to
jump out but I swallow it.

531/755

"W-What are you so fuckin - " I hiss as

she plays her fingers across my tip, white-hot
threads of pleasure pulling me under. " - so
fucking sm-smug about?"
"Smug? No, Im just pleased. You're a
much better learning tool," She says, her other
hand snaking out. She grips me with both, and
squeezes gently. When I don't react, she leans in
and blows cool air on my tip. My traitor hips give
a sharp jerk, and her sweet pink lips hover there.
"Hey, a-ah, hold on, mouth stuff ain't on
the menu -"

532/755

"Too much friction with no lubrication is

dangerous. Every physics major knows that,"
Alice retorts.
"Princess, listen to me, I'm bein serious,
if you - fuck!"
She runs her soft tongue from my base to
the head, leaving a thin trail of wet heat. Every
inch of me wants to stay on that bed and let her
do whatever she wants until I cum on her, in her,
but something clear and sharp cuts through that
shit and pulls me back from the edge. I bolt up
off the bed, stuffin myself back in and zipping
my jeans quickly.

533/755

"What the f-fuck are you doing?" I pant.

Alice's cheeks are flushed.
"I was...I was learning. Why did you
stop? Was it not going well?"
"Do you have any fuckin idea - any
fuckin idea what that shit means? You're jumping way ahead -"
"I was curious! And I didn't want you to
be in pain, from the dry friction -"
"Why would you care if I'm in pain?" I
snap. "I'm just a learnin tool to you."
Alice looks shocked, and it slowly turns
to confusion.

534/755

"I thought...I thought that's what we

agreed on. You would teach me, and I would do
your work. We'd use each other. It's a fair trade."
I ball my fist and resist the urge to slam it
into the wall. "It's not fair. It's not fuckin fair
when you go and do something batshit like that."
"How is it batshit? Dont many other girls
do the same thing to you? Is it batshit when they
do it?"
My stomach curdles. "No, that's fucking
normal!"
"Then why, when I do it for the sake of
learning, it's somehow batshit? Why am I

535/755

different to you? Just treat me like another girl. I

just want to learn, and I'll be able to, if you treat
me like them!"
"You're not like them, you fucking idiot!"
I shout. "Stop tryna be like them! Stop tryna be
anyone but your fuckin self for this Theo asshole! He's not gonna like you if you try so
fuckin hard to be someone you aint!"
Alice goes quiet, flush dimming and her
imperial face cooling into an unbreakable glacier.
I let out a frustrated growl and spin on my heel,
slamming the dorm door behind me. I've never
walked faster or been more pissed off in my life,

536/755

and I have no fucking clue why. All I know is

when I get back to the apartment, I ignore the
greetins of Trent and Miranda, storm into my
room and lean against the door to finish myself
off, thinking of Alice's perfect fuckin mouth the
entire time.
Shes fuckin me up, hard, without even
fuckin me.

***

Confused and exhausted by Mom, and

Ranik, and everything else in my life, I attend

537/755

Mathers class that week. I have no willpower to

fight against my instincts, anymore. They landed
me in trouble with Ranik, my only willing teacher. I cant trust them again. Not even when they
scream at me to get out of the classroom as Mathers cold, beady eyes make contact with mine
during his lecture. He holds my gaze for long, too
long, the barest flicker of a smug smirk on his
lips. What little fury brews in my heart at it is
quickly extinguished. Whats the use? If I fight,
if I refuse to come to this class, Mom will just
pull me out. I cant go back home. Not as a failure. Not as a college drop-out. I cant let her burn

538/755

what little of a life Ive built for myself here like

she burned my poetry journals, like she burned
my middle school life when she
I flinch, and repress the memory in the
buzz of Mathers droning, irritating voice.
Charlotte notices my discomfort, and
nudges me when Mathers back is turned.
You okay, sweetpea? Youve been looking really down the past couple days.
Its thisclass, I whisper.
Uh, you mean, the class you really like
but havent been showing up to the last couple
weeks? Why is that, exactly?

539/755

I nod towards Mathers. Remember what

you said about me being his favorite student?
Yeah.
I am.
Charlotte raises an eyebrow.
Oh. Ohhhh. Her nose wrinkles. Ew.
Thats disgusting. Are you okay?
Im fine, I lie. Or, I nearly wasnt, but
Ranik interrupted andsaved me, in a way.
So thats why youve been talking about
him, she brightens. It all makes sense!

540/755

Mathers glances up at us and we quickly

fall silent. He turns back after giving a quick
glare to both of us.
Im so sorry, Al, Charlotte leans on my
shoulder. You couldve told me, you know.
I know. Im sorry. I just felt likelike I
was overreacting. Like if I told you, youd say I
was
I trail off, and Charlotte frowns, hugging
me tighter.
Dont think like that. You can tell me
whatever you want, okay? Seriously. I wont
judge you. Much.

541/755

We smirk at each other knowingly. Mathers passes out a pop quiz, and he walks up and
down the aisles as we complete them, making
sure no one is cheating. He lingers a little too
long near my desk, and I suppress a shudder.
Charlotte glares daggers into his back, and I feel
so relieved shes angry on my behalf. I never got
angry. I just tried to deny it ever happened in a
shell-shocked, avoidance-heavy way. It was
wrong. Instead of running, or hiding my true feelings, I shouldve embraced them. Raniks lessons
have taught me that much.
Ranik.

542/755

The more I think about him, the more embarrassed I get. After he left the other night, I collapsed on the bed and left the mortification consume me. Id gotten so far ahead of myself, all
because I wanted to learn. Ive always been like
this a new subject pops up, and I throw myself
into it, eager to learn anything and everything
about it. And sex seems to integral to a relationship, so integral to getting Theo to like me, that I
didnt stop and think twice about what I was doing. I wanted it. No, correction I wanted to
learn it. I didnt want it, not in the sexual way.
Or did I?

543/755

I recall my body temperature rising, a

rush of pride running through me as I observed
Raniks every reaction to my touch. I had power
over him. But more than that, I was making him
happy. I was making him feel good, like Id never made anyone feel before. He was enjoying me.
For a split second, I wasnt boring, or a prude, or
any number of awful things people have called
me throughout the years. I was interesting, entertaining. I was like everyone else having sex.
Sort of. Im still unsure if a handjob counts as
full-on sex. Id ask Charlotte, but this class isnt
the best to do it in. Every time I meet Mathers

544/755

beady gaze, I shudder and instantly remember his

lecherous come on, and my mood plummets.
Charlotte can tell, because she takes extra
care to wait for me as I pack my bags when the
bell rings. Mathers eyes follow me out, but
Charlottes arm laced through mine gives me
some courage. I keep my head high long after
weve left. She leads me to the frozen yogurt
cart, which parks itself outside the Edward Lee
building, anticipating the lunchtime rush. I get
two scoops with sugared pineapple and walnuts,
and she gets chocolate on top of chocolate on top
of more chocolate. We eat our prizes under an

545/755

oak tree, Charlotte blabbering happily about her

boyfriend Nate, about her work at the biology
lab. I glance at my phone every so often Ranik
hasnt texted me once. Its not odd sometimes
hed go for days without texting me but his
homework is almost due again, and he usually
begins badgering me sooner rather than later.
I know I made him angry. But I still dont
understand how or why. My best guess is because I went farther than we agreed on and
thats unforgiveable, especially in sex. I should
apologize.

546/755

Alice! Charlotte nudges me in the ribs.

Earth to Alice!
I look up quickly and see Theo standing
over us, a soft grin on his face and his hands in
his pockets. The sun lights him from behind in a
golden halo.
Hey, he says.
H-Hi, I stand instantly, but he laughs.
Its okay, dont get up on my behalf. Can
I sit with you guys?
Sure! Charlotte chimes, shooting me a
knowing smile. I sit down.

547/755

Thanks, Theo grins, and sits on the

grass beside me. His hand is so close to mine in
the grass I could scoot it over just a bare inch and
touch his fingers. I can feel the warmth from his
shoulder and the smell of him hot, strong,
freshly-brewed coffee.
So what brings you to this part of the
woods? Charlotte winks at Theo.
Nothing really, I just had some time to
kill before my next show, and I saw you two.
Theo turns to me, and smiles. You look really
nice today, Alice.

548/755

I feel my heart bash against my ribcage in

an attempt to escape. I open my mouth to deny
that I look good at all, when Raniks lesson at the
restaurant pops into my head. Ive taken much
more embarrassing comments from him without
denying them. Take the compliment gracefully,
Raniks voice echoes.
I smile at Theo. Thank you.
Charlotte, knowing me, gapes like a fish.
Theo smiles brighter.
So, I was thinking. Theres a carnival in
town, right?

549/755

O-Oh, right! Charlotte comes-to. On

Main Street! Everyones talking about it.
Yeah, thats the one. Its got rides, and
food, and a ferris wheel, and games, and I was
thinkingwellI was thinking you could
come. Theo looks at me.
Really? I tilt my head.
Yeah, He enthusiastically nods. Me
and a friend are going, and I wanted to invite
you. You can bring a friend, too. If you want.
So, so itll be me, and you, and
Grace, Theo says. It was her idea. Itll
be fun, I promise.

550/755

Grace invited him? Before I can consider

it, Charlotte grabs my arm.
Of course shell go! What time is it?
Im driving, so, Ill meet you at eight.
Here, my number.
Theo passes me a piece of paper with his
number on it, and smiles. I hold it with trembling
hands, and Im transfixed by it. Finally, I have
Theos number! I can call him, or text him, I can
get to know him better!
Ill see you around, Theo says, and I
snap out of it and look up.
R-Right. Yes. Thank you.

551/755

Charlotte watches him go, and when he

disappears behind the building, she squeals like a
banshee in a greenhouse, practically shattering
my eardrums.
Ahhh! I cant believe he invited you on a
double date!
Is that what it is? I ask.
Charlotte nods. Duh! Grace invited him,
and you get to invite a date. But, I mean, the best
part about double dates is you can switch partners! This is your perfect chance to do stuff with
Theo! Oh my god, I can just imagine you on the

552/755

ferris wheel with him now, fireworks going off,

the night filled with stars
Theres just one problem, I say. I
dont know many boys. Orany boys. Well
enough to invite them, anyway.
Charlotte ponders this. Well, Id let you
take Nate, but I dont know if he likes Grace all
that much, theyve had arguments in Debate class

What about Ranik? I say. Charlotte

goes wide-eyed, then wrings her hands.
Ranik? But hes, Al, hes not a nice

553/755

He saved me from Mathers. He cant be

all that bad, I insist. Charlotte doesnt know I
know him fairly well, and Id like to keep it that
way. Even if she says she wouldnt judge me for
anything I tell her, shed definitely flip about me
and Ranik.
Ugh, Charlotte sighs. Fine. I guess
hell do. You can just pawn him off on Grace,
anyway. She suddenly perks up. We HAVE to
go into town and get you a cute outfit. No more
borrowing my stuff! It looks totally good on you,
but this is your first date! You need nice clothes,
period.

554/755

I laugh as she makes plans, going on

about which stores have the best sales right now.
All I can think about it what she said its my
first date. A real date. Im finally, finally going
on a date, like any other girl. Its not a fake-date
thats a lesson. Im not impossible, or difficult.
Someone likes me enough to invite me on a true,
real date. And not just anyone invited me it was
Theo himself.
I feel like Im floating.

***

555/755

The floaty feeling lasts only as long as the

time it takes me to catch the bus to Raniks apartment. During the half-hour ride, I have more than
enough opportunity to consider just how well my
request will go over. He may still be angry. But
without him, I dont know if I could fair very
well on this double date.
I knock on the door tentatively, and Miranda answers it, her bright pink hair up in a
ponytail. Her face sours instantly on seeing me.
Yeah? What do you want?
I apologize for disturbing you, I start.
Is Ranik around?

556/755

Miranda looks me up and down, then

glances behind her into the apartment. The
sounds of video game guns going off resounds. If
I squint, I can see Trent on the couch playing a
game with Seth. Miranda looks back to me.
Nope, sorry. Hes gone.
Oh, I try to hide the disappointment in
my voice and fail miserably. Do you know
where I might find him?
Miranda scoffs. I cant believe you seriously talk like that. Ranik told me you were different but I didnt know you were so damn oldfashioned.

557/755

I steel myself against flinching. Hed told

them about me? Of course he did.
Look, Miranda glances behind her as if
she doesnt want Trent and Seth to hear, then
steps out with me and closes the door behind her.
None of us like you, okay? So its probably better you didnt come snooping around here.
Why? Did I did I do something to offend you? Im sorry that Ithat I crashed in your
apartment the other night. I did use someones
towel. Im so sorry
Its not that, Miranda sighs. She leans
against the railing and rubs between her dark

558/755

eyebrows. Look, Raniks neverbrought girls

home like that before.
I nearly laugh. Are you serious?
Well, I mean, he brings them home to
fuck, She amends sharply. But not to not to
look after their injuries. Not to let em sleep in
his bed without him in it, if you get my drift.
Ranik and I are friends - I say quickly.
Dont try to bullshit me. Ranik told us
everything. Hes teaching you the dating ropes so
you can snag another dude, right?

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Shocked, I force myself to nod. Miranda

sighs wearily and lights a cigarette, puffing it out
over the railing.
Hes trying to quit, you know.
Quit what?
Smoking, She smirks. And he studies.
He barely ever drinks, cause of his Dad. And
now hes quitting smokin, too. Its almost like
hes trying to impress somebody.
I dont understand. Why would his father make him not
Oh cmon. He said you were smart as a
whip.

560/755

When I just look lost at her, she exhales

heavily again.
Im only telling you this because you
ought to know what youre dealing with. And
you cant tell a soul, or Ill hunt you down and
cut your throat.
I tense, but she just sighs harder.
Raniks dad was an alchy. Addicted to
whiskey. He beat Ranik and his mom up pretty
bad. One day, his mom couldnt take it anymore
and justwalked out on em. The police found
her in the woods a couple miles away. Hung
herself.

561/755

The blood in my heart freezes with painful, frigid, instantaneous ice. The happy, smiling,
gorgeous woman in the photo Id seen was driven
to do that?
Miranda looks at me with the eyes of a vicious tiger defending something.
He dropped out of high school a few
years later. His dad beat the shit out of him constantly. He finally up and ran, out here, to Trent
and me. He couldnt find us for a while, so he
lived with Barbara at Venn Diagram, got his
GED. Somehow got into a nice college. His lifes

562/755

been shitty, okay? And we dont want to see it

get any shittier.
I understand, I say softly. You care
about him very much.
Damn right we do, she agrees. We
wanna see him happy. He alwayshe always
throws himself after any girl who says two nice
words to him. Hes like a starved dog, you know?
Hanging around the scrapyard, hoping someone
will toss him a bit of love. But those girls never
stay long they can tell hes more fucked up than
they wanna deal with. So they leave.

563/755

She turns to face me, pink hair ablaze

around her thin face as she stubs out her
cigarette.
Youre the first girl hes brought to
Venn Diagram, you know that?
I knit my brow in confusion, but before I
can open my mouth, she fills the silence with
words.
Sure, he meets girls there. But he never
brings them there, you know, to meet Barbara.
To meet us.
I dont understand. What are you
implying?

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Cmon, genius girl. Im sure you can figure it out.

I blink at her, and she stares at me for a
moment before snorting.
Ill be damned. Looks like Ranik wasnt
lying about you not knowing shit about boys after
all.
She walks past me and pats my shoulder.
Before she can walk back inside, I stop her.
Will hewill he be back later?
Maybe. Hell if I know. I mean, me and
Seth and Trent got work tonight, so we wont be
around. Youre welcome to try.

565/755

I quickly rummage in my bag and pull out

the clothes she leant me.
Here, also. I washed them. Thank you
very much for lending them to me.
Miranda smirks, and grabs them back.
No problem.
I make my way down the steps and contemplate what to do. I have to come back tonight.
Texting him seems to get no answer from him, so
I need to speak with him face-to-face. Im worried he hates me for good, now. Im worried I
lost my best teacher, my only ally.

566/755

And quite possibly, I might have lost a

good friend.

567/755

Chapter 9
I saw it from the window.
I chug another shot at a bar whos name I
cant remember anymore (like fuck Id let Barbara see me like this) and try to block out the
memory. I saw it from the window and it all
happened so goddamn fast. Alice had been sitting
there with her friend, and then Theo walked up.
He practically glinted in the damn sunlight, his
hair all blonde and his skin tan and his teeth toowhite. And I could tell, I could just fuckin tell by

569/755

the way he talked and then Alice went white as a

sheet, that hed asked her out.
And that was when I knew.
He fuckin beat me to it.
It was over.
I watched Alices pretty face light up with
pure joy, and I knew it was fuckin over.
The bartender shoots me a look when I
motion for another shot, but I point at him.
Ey, dont give me that look. Im payin,
alright? So jus gimme em when I say so.
The bartender sighs and slides the shot
over. It goes down like fire and brimstone,

570/755

burning all the feeling out of my fingers and toes.

If Im lucky, itll burn the feelin right outta my
heart. So I keep trying.
Youve really had a lot, you know. The
girl at my side, a sweet-lookin brunette with
dark eyes and bright lipstick, downs the last of
her second martini. She smiles at me, stroking
my elbow. Why dont we just get out of here?
We both know whats coming. Its a
dance, a fuckin routine of eternity, or should I
say, a routine of eternally fuckin? Whatever. We
both know shes here for the dick, and Im here
for her.

571/755

I study her face. Shes pretty. Maybe even

prettier than Alice. If I squint, her hair almost
looks blonde, and her eyes seem blue. She seems
real nice. Shes not crass or obvious like other
ladies. Maybe, just maybe Oy, A man taps me on the shoulder.
Hes blurry, but huge. You dont talk to George
like that, you hear me?
I buzz my lips. Whos gonna stop me,
old man?
Hey, George the bartender warns.
Dont start anything, Bailey.

572/755

He dissed you, Georgie! The big guy

protests. I wont let him get away with that!
Sfine, gentlemen, I slur, and slap two
twenties on the counter. I was leavin anyway.
Cmon, sweetheart.
The girl Alyssa? Andrea? giggles and
grasps my arm, leading me out of the stuffy bar
and into the cold November night. Shit its
November already. Whered the time fuckin go?
Oh, thats right. I spent it teaching Alice. Falling
for fuckin Alice.
Ill get a cab, Alyssa-Andrea hails from
the curb, and pushes me into the yellow car. The

573/755

driver has a hoarse voice and drives fast, but we

make-out faster.
Theres only one thing going through my
drunk mind, and it isnt about Alyssa-Andreas
mouth.
Why?
Why did I even fuckin keep holding on to
that scrap of hope?
Why did I ever think I was good enough
for her?
Why did I ever think I had a single goddamn chance?

574/755

The driver asks my address and I detach

myself from the girls soft lips to direct him. He
grunts and turns right. My head hits his seat and
Alyssa-Andrea laughs shrilly, pulling me back
down for another kiss.
Youre hilarious, She murmurs. I like
you.
Does she really? Or is she just saying that
because shes drunk? Ive heard it all before.
Shes just drunk. Theyre always just drunk
enough to sleep with me, but not drunk enough to
stay. Never drunk enough to stay. Never like me
enough to stay.

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And it happens again, as were stumbling

up the stairs to my apartment, making out like a
pair of teenagers drunk for the first time on an
uncles stolen booze. Alyssa-Andreas face
wobbles, and her hair gets blonde and her eyes
get blue like the sea, and my breath catches in my
throat and I kiss her harder than ever before,
holding her tight as I fumble with my keys and
the door.
Im not letting you go, I murmur into
her hair. I wont let him have you.
Alyssa-Andrea laughs. What?

576/755

We stumble into the apartment and I tap

the door shut with my foot. Alyssa-Andrea
dances away from me, swirling her hips temptingly, and again, her body morphs. Alice. Alice is
dancing in front of me like she did in the parking
lot on my birthday, and I can smell her, almost
taste her in that tiny black dress
I lunge for her, pressing her against the
wall and lifting her hands above her head, twining my fingers in hers.
Ive wanted you for so fucking long, I
pant. I wanted you the second I saw you. Youre

577/755

everything. Youre everything I fuckin want in

my life. Youre perfect.
She laughs, Alices clear laugh ringing in
the hall, and kisses my neck wordlessly.
I can love you better, I whisper. I
promise you, I can love you more than he ever
would. I already do. Just gimme a chance.
She breaks free of my pin and moves towards the bedroom. I stop her in the doorway,
pulling on her hand and bringing her into my
chest for a kiss.
Please, I breathe. Please, be mine.

578/755

I am yours, she says, kissing me softly.

And its the end of me. Her mouth is on mine,
my mouth is on her neck, my fingers undoing her
buttons as I kiss my way down her chest. She
sighs happily and I want nothing more than to
make her sigh like that again, and again, I want to
prove to her just how much I feel for her, just
how much she makes me crazy.

***

My hand pauses just before it knocks on

Raniks apartment door.

579/755

Six hours of killing time with Charlotte

shopping has evened out my temperament. I
know now Raniks never going to speak to me
again. I can accept that. I spent six hours coming
to accept it, and his tragic past. I feel more hollow than Id like, almost too-light. I feel like Ive
lost something important that I can no longer get
back.
I scared off the one boy who wanted to
become my friend.
All I can do now is at least try to apologize, and move on with my life.

580/755

I straighten my shirt nervously. Charlotte

insisted on a bright blue shirt with a pac-man
ghost on it and much to my dismay, jean shortshorts. While its a comfortable outfit, its not
very well-suited for debating knocking on a
boys door in a November nights cold. I shiver
and work up the courage to finally knock.
I have to do this. I have to say Im sorry.
He deserves that much.
Theres no answer. I wait, and knock
again harder in case he didnt hear me. But this
time, the force of it makes the door creak open a

581/755

little. Its unlocked. I peer in the apartment dark

and seemingly lifeless.
H-Hello? I call out. Ranik?
I faintly hear someone say something in a
room. I steel my nerves and duck into the apartment, closing the door behind me. Why was it
open? Is he alright? Concern begins to cloud my
mind. My eyes adjust to the darkness quickly.
Hello? I try again. Is anyone here?
I swear I hear someone murmur my name.
I walk down the hall and listen carefully. Noise is
coming from Raniks room. His door is slightly
ajar, faint lamplight washing the room in a soft

582/755

glow. I breathe out, and then in as deep as I can,

trying to give myself some courage.
Ranik I push open the door and instantly regret it. A buxom, gorgeous brunette has
her legs wrapped around Raniks back, and hes
standing, fucking her against the wall. His hands
grasp her perfect thighs, fingers sinking in like
theyre gripping velvet. Her breasts heave with
her panting, and Raniks moans are barely audible, but clearly pleased. She weaves her fingers
in and out of his dark, curly hair, mussing it up
even more.
Neither of them notice me at all.

583/755

I stand there, transfixed in horror. This is

the first time Ive seen anyone have sex. And seeing it be Ranik makes me
A treacherous, sickening flame starts to
lick at my stomach and works its way up my
windpipe. Raniks smooth, muscular back.
Raniks wing tattoo, so dark and rippling with his
efforts. Raniks ass and thighs and legs,
textbook-perfect and strong. And the womans
incredibly enraptured face tells me everything I
didnt want to know. Her eyes flicker open, and
she notices me. She taps Raniks shoulder, and he
slows, letting her down and shooting her a

584/755

confused look. She just giggles and points to me,

reaching for a sheet to cover herself with.
Ranik turns. His face freezes, every
muscle coming to halt, his gold-green eyes
alarmed, confused, terrified. The sex-flush on his
cheeks drains in a blink to an ash-color. I dont
dare look below his waist.
The part of me that is Alice Wells, 4.2
GPA and undisputed Queen of Academia and all
things stuck-up, takes over for the panicked side
of me.
I feel like vomiting. I feel like running
away.

585/755

But the old me - the cold, bitter, quiet me,

the me before Ranik - sweeps those feelings under the rug in a heartbeat and composes herself.
Im sorry, I straighten my back. I
didnt mean to interrupt your evening. Ill come
back another time.
I quickly duck out the door. I can hear a
scrambling noise behind me, Raniks voice faint
at first, then louder.
Alice, shit, Alice! Alice, come back!
I ignore him and take the stairs two at a
time. But I cant ignore how hot and wet my
cheeks suddenly are.

586/755

No crying, Old Alice says sternly. He

means nothing to us.
But
No. He was your teacher, nothing more. A
useful tool. He has served his purpose. He has
taught you enough. Now throw him away.
Alice! For fucks sake, slow down,
please!
I give a shuddering gasp and turn the
corner. The main boulevard screams at me with
neon lights and Friday night traffic. I wipe at my
face and walk faster. If Im quick, I can catch the

587/755

12 bus home and leave all of this behind for good

Alice!
Ranik - now sloppily dressed in half-on
jeans and rumpled shirt - grabs my wrist. I whirl
to face him and yank it away.
Dont touch me, I say coolly. His green
eyes, light like emeralds in the murky neon glow,
scar with some internal pain.
Alice, please, just listen to me for a
second

588/755

No. Im no longer required to listen to

you for any number of seconds, I say quickly. I
relieve you of your position as my teacher.
What? Wait a sec, just calm down
Ill return your completed homework to
your mailbox within the week. I expect no further
contact between us. Good night.
I walk away.
Alice! Ranik follows. Please, dont do
this to me
The wound in his voice stops me in my
tracks. I turn slowly, and he catches up, breathing
heavily. The smell of booze is on him.

589/755

What do you want me to say? He pants.

Im sorry? Im sorry for fuckin someone?
Youre not sorry, I say. You were
clearly enjoying it.
Why do you fuckin care? He demands.
Why do you care about who I fuck?
I dont! I scream, the sound startling
even me. I never scream. Ranik looks like I
slapped him, taking a step back. I lower my
voice, calm it. I dont care. Its your business.
But I cant help but wonder how well you can
teach me when your interests are elsewhere. If

590/755

youre distracted, my learning might suffer. I

cant take that risk. Therefore, our deal is off.
Our deal was off the second Theo
fuckin asked you out this morning, He snarls.
You saw that?
From the second story window, clear as
fuckin day, Raniks face goes from angry to defeated, exhausted. Look, congrats. Im real glad
for you, Princess. You got what you wanted. The
fact is, you dont need me anymore
He didnt ask me out.
Raniks expression goes slack. I press on.

591/755

He asked me to go to the fair with him,

and Grace. And he said I should bring someone
else. Charlotte called it a double date. I wanted
to ask you to go with me. But when you didnt
text me back I realized that you must still hate me
for what happened during our last lesson, so I
gave up on asking you and decided to at least
apologize for it. That was the least I could do. So
I
I swallow hard and try to smile.
Im sorry for what I did. It was out of
line, and it broke your rules and boundaries, and

592/755

Im very sorry. I hope the girl back there wont

break any of your rules. I wish you all the best.
I turn, but Ranik grabs my hand again,
this time his voice low.
Dont go.
Ranik
Please dont go.
I sigh. Youre clearly busy
She left. Please dont leave too, His
face contorts painfully. Stay with me.
He sounds so broken, so lost and small
and much younger. Is it pity I feel in the bottom
of my stomach? Or is it concern? Mirandas

593/755

telling of his past still lingers in my mind,

hanging like a particularly dark cloud. My anger
and my sadness fade rapidly, replaced by a gentle
exhaustion.
Alright, I whisper. Ranik and I walk
back to his apartment in utter silence. The girl is
gone. Ranik motions to the couch.
I know you probably dont want the bed,
so
Why not? You werent exactly doing it
in the bed.
Ranik flinches. Have the bed. Ill sleep
out here.

594/755

This would be an opportune time for a

lesson, I start. How to sleep in a bed with a
boy. I could use the practice.
Raniks quiet. I sigh.
Alright. I understand. You are no longer
my teacher.
Ranik wordlessly heads to the bathroom.
His silence is very unlike him. I hear the shower
turn on. Tired out of my mind, I collapse onto his
bed. The smell of the sheets is all him and just
like I remember pine and smoke.
Finally alone, finally knowing Ranik no
longer wants anything to do with me, and that

595/755

Ive lost one of my only friends, I bury my face

in the pillow to hide my crying.
I thought I was doing well.
I thought I was becoming a better person,
a more open person, a person Theo could like, a
person anyone could like. But maybe I was hallucinating it all. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe
Im delusional.
Maybe I can never change.
Maybe my destiny is to stay the same robot girl forever. To graduate and become a neuroscientist like Mom wants. I tried so hard to

596/755

change by applying to this school, to try and

change myself by getting away from everything.
But I can see it now. Im not meant to
change. Im meant to be alone.
Theres a knock on the door. I wipe my
eyes and steady my voice.
Come in.
Ranik walks in, bringing the smell of a
warm, clean shower with him, a towel wrapped
around his lean waist.
Pants, he murmurs. Sorry.
I shake my head, and he walks over to his
dresser, rummaging through it. I gaze at his back,

597/755

at the wing tattoo over his shoulderblade. Its his

most intricate, gorgeous tattoo by far. It mesmerizes me. Before I know what Im doing, I stand,
quietly walking over to him. Hes here. Im not
alone. Not yet.
I place my hand on the wing, tracing its
feathers and warm curves.
Its beautiful, I say.
Raniks shoulders tense, every muscle going stiff. I stroke the lowest feather tip. A faint
shudder runs through him. I dont have time to
pull away before he whirls around and urges me
against the wall, his nearly-naked body flush

598/755

against mine. His dark, wet hair tangles in his

strangely bright eyes.
This is a lesson, he says, his lips against
my neck. Im still your teacher. So heres your
lesson.
He kisses my neck, trailing down to my
collarbone. He licks the line of bone, planting a
kiss in the center of it. My heart begins to race,
hard and fast against my breast. He puts his
hands on my shoulders, easing my loose shirt off
of them. Moving back, his eyes eagerly take in
my exposed, air-chilled skin. He leans in and

599/755

kisses the joint of my neck and shoulder, the spot

so sensitive and ticklish that I squirm.
Im sorry, Ranik rests his head against
my shoulder. Im sorry for gettin angry that
day. You didnt deserve that.
No, I overstepped my boundaries
Ranik kisses downwards, pulling my shirt
off as he goes along. It falls to the floor, and he
pulls me into him, hugging me tightly.
You did everything right, Princess, He
murmurs into my hair. You did nothin wrong.
My body feels heavy. Was it always this
heavy? His words calm some raging fire in my

600/755

heart I didnt know I was harboring, and soothe it

into a damp ember.
I cant hold back the tears.
He isnt angry.
I havent lost a friend.
I didnt do anything wrong.
I didnt do anything wrong.
Ranik holds me, easing me onto the bed. I
cry loud, louder than Ive ever allowed myself to.
Louder than I have in many, many years.
I let myself go in his arms as he strokes
my hair and holds me close, and time slips away.

601/755

***

I look down at Alices sleeping, tearstained face. She musta passed out. Her gold hair
sticks to her wet cheeks, her brows are close and
worried. I try to smooth them out all gently-like
with my thumb. It helps, but not much.
I fucked up.
I fucked up bad.
I jumped to wild-ass conclusions about
her and Theo, and ruined lots of shit.
But I ruined things before that, when I got
mad at Alice. I should know better than anybody

602/755

that discouragin someone when they first try

something leads to bad stuff. They start associatin discouragement with that thing. And the last
thing Alice needs is to be discouraged offa sex.
Discouraged offa me.
She looks so peaceful, so right sleeping in
my bed, like its exactly where she belongs.
I let the jealousy mess with me. The
second I thought she was gone for good, I panicked and went off and buried myself in some
other girl. I panicked because I thought I was losing the one girl Ive really started to care about.

603/755

I gotta be honest with Alice. I cant keep

holding this in, anymore. Its wreckin me.
But not now. Not when shes getting her
rest.
I curl up, my arm still around her, and fall
asleep to the sound of her gentle, even breathing.
I wish time would jus up and stop.
I wanna stay like this, with her, forever.

***

I wake slowly, luxuriously, out of the

deepest and what feels like the most restful sleep

604/755

Ive ever had. The smell of pine and smoke alerts

me to exactly where I am Raniks. The past
night floods in at the same time the sun does,
bright and searing my eyes and mind.
Im only in my bra. I stretch, and my elbows collide with a soft something. Startled, I
pull back, and realize Ranik is snuggled against
me, his lean body pressed against my back. He
groans, and before I can untangle myself, his
green-gold eyes crack open. He groans louder,
and buries his face in my hair.
You smell good, he says.

605/755

You dont, I snap, embarrassed. He

laughs, and his hands roam my body, over my
stomach and under my breasts. I yelp and swat
him away.
Sorry, sorry, He chuckles. You just
feel so fuckin good.
I think you have me confused with the
woman you came home with last night.
No, Ranik squeezes me against him, his
palm rubbing against my hipbone. This is definitely you, Alice. All you. Even if its a dream, its
still you.

606/755

My heart beats wildly as his hand moves

past my hipbone, and slips under my shorts. He
undoes the button and pulls my zipper open. I can
feel his arousal hard against my tailbone. Is he
half-asleep? Does he think Im a dream?
You realize this isnt a dream, right? I
ask.
You say that every time in my dreams,
he sighs. Every time? How many dreams about
me has he had? His fingers wander beneath my
bra and gently tug at my nipples. I gasp at the
electric tingles that run through my veins.
H-Hey!

607/755

What? He chuckles innocently. Do

you want me to stop?
I open my mouth to tell him to cut it out
when he slips his other hand beneath my shorts.
In two quick movements hes beneath my underwear, stroking me lazily.
A-Ah, Ranik
He tweaks my nipple harder and kisses at
my neck.
I brought that other girl home last night
cause I wanted you, He murmurs. The whole
time I was fuckin her, I was thinking bout you,
Alice. I wanna make you happy. I wanna shit, I

608/755

want you to be happy. And the thought of you

with Theo
Im unbelievably slick, my biological processes eager for Raniks every ministration. But
its more than biological. Raniks handsome face
is smiling at me. Ranik Mason wants me. He
dreams of me. He wants me to be happy.
I blush, and the heat moves all over my
body. Ranik runs his finger over my opening,
hesitating.
Ill be gentle, Princess. Promise.
Ranik! Mirandas voice is strong and
loud, scaring both of us as she beats on his door

609/755

with her fist. Get up! Were gonna be late for

class.
Ranik and I freeze. He suddenly pulls
away, jumping out of bed and pulling on a pair of
boxers and jeans.
Jesus fuckin He looks at me, then
rubs his eyes as if he cant believe them, and rubs
them again. His face goes white. A-Alice?
I frown, my blush rising as I pull the
sheets over my breasts. I tried to tell you, idiot!
He buries his face in a stray shirt and
growls. Oh god oh god oh god

610/755

Miranda bangs on his door again. Ranik!

Cmon! Lets go!
O-One sec, he shouts, then turns to me.
Fuck, Alice, Im so sorry. Im so fuckin sorry. I
thought I thought you were
A dream? I offer smugly. He goes red
down to the roots of his curly hair.
Ranik! Miranda shouts.
Ranik looks between the door and me,
and growls again. He throws his shirt down and
opens the door, poking his head out of it.
Im not going today. Im sick.
Sick? What are you

611/755

He interrupts her by shutting the door and

locking it. Ranik turns to me, and dives back into
the bed. I screech a little at the sudden movement, and he laughs, burrowing under the covers
at me feet before popping up near my head, eyes
alive and wild with mischief.
Im still your teacher, right? He asks.
I nod.
And you still wanna invite me to the fair
double-date thing, right?
I nod again. Ranik pulls my hand up from
the covers and kisses it.

612/755

Alright. Then we got a lot of learnin to

do.
What do you mean?
Well, this fair thing sounds like the perfect place to ask Theo out, dont it?
I swallow nervously. Yes, but
No buts! He smirks. If you dont ask
him that night, Grace will. I can feel it in my
bones. So, we gotta kick the lessons up a notch.
But Ranik, what about you? You said
Heres your problem, He ignores me.
Youre too focused on Theo.

613/755

***

She quirks a fine brow. Oh? In my experience, being focused on the goal is rather
important.
No, fuck, I mean obviously its important. Be as obsessed with him as you want. But
thats not what Im talking about. Sex isits not
just about the guy. At least, good sex never is.
She looks a hundred percent confused. I
put my hands behind my head.

614/755

How do you do it? I ask. More confusion draws her face tight. A huge lump in my
throat makes it hard to talk. Uh, masturbate.
A fire-blush begins are her hairline and
lights up her cheeks, and for the third time this
week I catch myself tryna memorize that expression of hers, before it melts too quick.
I know how to pleasure myself well
enough, thank you. I dont need a lesson on that.
Right, but, I lean forward. This aint
about that. Im not gonna teach you that, fuck,
nobody can teach you that but yourself. Im tryna
teach you how you fit into this sex thing. Youre

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too focused on learning to make Theo feel good.

You can make him feel good by making yourself
feel good, first of all.
She frowns. Figures Alice queen of selfsacrifice and martyrdom, would never think once
about her own pleasure. Other girls? They live
for their pleasure, spend their whole lives using
dudes to get it. But shes always put hers on the
back burner, convinced the only way to make
someone happy is to ignore her own damn happiness. I sigh.
Look, a woman is a lot more than jus a
body. Men are visual ass creatures, yeah, but you

616/755

guys turn us on in more ways than just boobs

and butts."
I highly doubt that. It seems to be all you
care about.
A dark anger flares up in me. Shes so
convinced Im shallow, trying so hard to make
me out to be a villain. Before I can stop myself,
Im looming over her, my hands on either side of
her shoulders. Her bluebell eyes stare up at me.
Her smell, roses and old paper, wafts up, and I
drink it in like a dying man in a desert.
Dont get me wrong, princess, I murmur. Ive had lots of experience. But that dont

617/755

mean Im easy to turn on. Im not a switch you

can just flash your titties at and expect a
response.
Alice frowns, then gets an evil smirk on
her face. She quickly pulls down her bra cups,
the flash of creamy breasts making my pants suddenly way too tight. She pulls the bra up again
and her smirk gets bigger.
I think weve disproven that hypothesis,
She says. I glare.
That wasnt fair.
Science is always fair, She says loftily.
You were saying? Do continue with the lesson.

618/755

For some guys thats all it takes, yeah.

Theyre fuckwads. For me, its more than that.
Much more. And if Theo is half the man he
should be, itll be like that for him too.
Alice loses her smirk and squirms, and
something in me takes delight in that. Id love to
make her squirm in other ways, more horizontal
ways, with her hands clutching these sheets below us
Then, what is it? She clears her throat.
What do you mean by much more than that?
Oh, Ive waited for this day. I savor it before leaning in and inhaling around her.

619/755

The smell. Your smell is important.

Then I should strive to be good-smelling
always.
I laugh. Sure, but you dont gotta. The
smell of a womans sweat is just as fucking wonderful as any perfume. Full of pheromones and
reminders
Reminders you arent as frigid as you pretend to be, I finish in my head. That even an ice
princess like you sweats when shes nervous, or
exercising, or fuckin. Id love to see you sweat,
trace the little beads as they form between your
breasts

620/755

A lot of men would disagree with you on

the sweat thing, she interrupts my fantasy.
A lotta men are goddamn idiots, I say
coolly. She smiles.
Thats the fourth thing Ill agree with
you on.
I lean in, and she doesnt lean back but
the nervousness in her eyes gets stronger.
Taste, I say. the taste of your tongue,
your breath, your lips. Just the normal, regular
taste of you. And your skin. The taste of your
skin

621/755

I can see the delicate milky skin over her

chest rise and fall quick with her breath. Her
throat flutters. I move in, drawn like a moth to a
fuckin flame, and press my lips to the hollow in
the center of her collarbone. I dart my tongue out
and taste her salt and roses and something I
cant pinpoint thats completely and totally her
own unique taste. Most girls are lotion and strong
jasmine and too much sugar. But Alice is just soft
cream and clear air. I want to gulp it down, bottle
it and drink it when the world gets too goddamn
full of nose-stingin perfume and fake, sugary
laughs, and cigarettes.

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What are you d-doing?

The waver in her voice snaps me out of it.
The ice princess, stutterin? I pull away, suddenly
realizin what Ive done like a blind idiot.
Shit, I hiss. Shit, Im sorry. Got carried away. Wont happen again. Ill go sit on my
hands or something.
I pull away, and sit on the opposite side of
the bed with my hands under my butt. Alices
laugh breaks her fluster.
Youre not twelve. You dont have to
punish yourself like that.

623/755

Uh, after this morning? Obviously I do.

Otherwise I aint never gonna fuckin learn my
lesson.
She shakes her head, still smiling. Its a
goddamn Christmas miracle after all Ive put her
through the last day or two. She aint frownin at
me, or glaring. Shes still smiling, real and pure
and true. She readjusts the sheets over her chest
and cocks her head to the side.
So, what else is there? Smell, taste,
and?
Sound, I offer instantly. The sounds
you make when youre gettin fucked. Uh, shit,

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rephrase the sounds you make when youre

feeling pleasure. Thats, uh, the biggest turn on.
For you? Or for men in general?
My face is hot and thas ridiculous, being
embarrassed. Ranik Mason doesnt get fuckin
embarrassed, so I ignore it.
Shit, princess, I cant speak for every
slimy ass dude. Im just tellin you general stuff
about guys.
But you like sound the best.
I like you the fuckin best. But youll never look at me twice with Theo around, and I have

625/755

to live with that, with this shitty heart wrenching

bullshit for the rest of my worthless life.
Yeah, I like sound. Fuckin sue me.
Id rather not. Sue you. You dont have
any money, she smirks.
Look, the point is, shit, the point is you
gettin off is just as much of a turn on as getting
our dicks touched, okay? If Theos worth his salt,
if he cares about you, hell see you getting off
and get turned on like crazy.
She goes pink around the edges, cheeks
rosy. Shes probably imagining Theo with a hard
on, and getting wet herself. I shake off the

626/755

pressure poking at my fly. Not really the time,

dick. She aint even thinking about you.
She was thinking about us this morning,
my dick says back. Look at her, shes hot and
bothered and gorgeous.
I know shes gorgeous, moron. But its
not us she wants.
I stand up and pull on my shirt. So, uh,
yeah. Thats it for today. I gotta get to class.
R-Right, her voice is a little breathless.
So do I.
I should just leave, just leave, leave right
now, but I turn instead. The sight stops my heart

627/755

- her golden hair loose from its usual bun, a

tendril gracing her flushed cheeks. The spot beneath her neck where I kissed is still a little red,
and wet. Her thighs under the blankets are firmly
clenched together, her jean shorts still undone
and revealin a sliver of her panties the rose
panties with the ties on the sides. The ones I got
her.
The ones we got together.
Whatever control I had left over my cock
goes out the window, because I throw it headfirst.
In a flash Im leanin over her again. I need her,
for real, I need her, I need her

628/755

Alice looks up at me, embarrassed. She

rubs her thighs together again.
I-ImIm used to doing it on my own.
She starts. But IdI think it would be beneficial toto learn how it feels when someone
elsedoes it for me.
Are you sure? I ask, hoarse.
Yes, she nods. Please.
Its all the permission I need. I swoop in,
kissing her hard and fast. She makes a soft moan,
and wraps her hand around my wrist. She dips
my hand into her jeans. I cup the heat there, feelin the thin silk and the outline of her lips. Shes

629/755

small, neat, and her panties are so fuckin cute I

gotta forcefully resist the urge to get on my knees
and kiss the band of them.
I press experimentally on her mound, and
she gives a little sigh. My fingers work circles,
trying desperately to find her most sensitive
spots. Desperate? Me? Shit. Im never this outta
control with any other girl. Why am I so bent on
getting her off? Is it because I want to impress
her? Is it because this might be my only chance
ever to make her feel good? Is it because shes
everything I want, but can never, ever have?
Or is it because I

630/755

Her breathing gets heavy, and a sharp

moan alerts me to the jackpot. I exhale, burying
my head in her neck and grinding with gentle
pressure. The smell of roses and cream infects
me, gets me drunk as her sweet moans fill the
room. More. I want her to moan more, and
louder, and faster. I want her to lose control, I
want her to cum on my hand, I want to watch her
face as pleasure burns her from the inside out.
I want her to know, without a doubt, that I
love her.
Her thighs clench and I move lower, lettin the soft dampness on her panties guide me.

631/755

What about inside? I murmur. Is that

something you do?
S-Sometimes, she pants. But, ah -!
My finger slides in easily. Shes slick and
hot, the texture familiar yet totally different.
But what? I ask softly. She squirms,
blue eyes clouded.
I dont want you to d-doanything you
dont want to
I laugh, the sound rumblin through my
chest like a happy lion.
Trust me, Princess, I murmur. Ive
wanted to do this for a long time.

632/755

Its the wrong thing to say, the worst

thing, but she aint paying much attention to what
I say anymore and Im real grateful for it. I slide
in deeper and her head lolls back, exposing her
pale neck. I lean in and kiss a slow line up it as I
pull out, and sink back in even deeper. Her moan
is high and surprised in the best way and I cant
help my smirk against her throat. She twists, her
breath catching as I curl my fingers inward. She
looks down, eyes wide with surprise.
Wh-What was that
I do it again, harder, and she arcs her
back, moaning.

633/755

Ranik
You should know, nerd, I lean up to her
ear. The G-spot. What happened to that A in
biology?
She looks down, frowning, browns drawn
and ready to argue, and I glance my lips over her
earlobe and bite soft, curlin deeper into her. Her
frown melts to shock, big shudder tellin me all I
need to know. Another thrust, another finger, my
hand moist and the smell wafts up all woman
and all her and my jeans are doing a shit job of
hiding how painfully hard I am. Her bra is black
and simple and itd be easy to take off. Its all I

634/755

can do to not unclip it and let her breasts spill

out, all I can do to not suck her, to not spread her
legs and suck her, to unzip my jeans and let my
cock do the talking. I resist the urge to grind
against her. I burn to do so much more, but this is
all shes allowing me to do. This is more than I
ever fuckin deserve.
O-Oh, She breathes, eyelids fluttering
as I bring her to the edge. Ranik!
My name on her pleasure-drunk lips is an
intoxicating sound that makes my hips jerk
without my permission. I bury myself in her neck
to distract from my frantic urge to strip her right

635/755

there and slide in. I softly bite her tender flesh,

feelin her convulse around my fingers, her insides tightenin deliciously as she gasps. Her
moan is sweet and drawn out and high. I pull
back and watch her face flushed and drowsy,
satisfied and ecstatic all at once as the pleasure
wracks her, and then fades. She dont look sad
anymore, thats for sure. But it wont last.
I play with her outside as she comes
down, rubbin lazily and watchin the aftershocks
from it make her twitch. Shes fun, real fun.
More fun than Ive had in a long time. Slowly, so

636/755

slowly, her breathin evens out, and for the first

time I realize I been panting too.
Blue eyes meet mine, and Im suddenly
wide aware of what the fuck this looks like my
hand down her panties and her all splayed out in
my bed. I withdraw quick, clearin my throat and
standin.
I should, man, I should really go. Uh.
Hope that, uh. Helped. Because, yanno, thats
what were doing here. Helpin you learn.
Alice breathlessly laughs, the sound like
crystal bells. She slowly stands, finding her shirt
and fixing her terribly hot short-shorts.

637/755

What about you? She asks.

What about me?
Dont play dumb. I can see it through
your pants.
My cock gives a twitch, desperate for her
attention. The handjob lesson comes to my mind,
her tongue lashing up my underside, and I want it
all over, I want to be in her more than shell ever
know.
Thats not really part of the deal, I say,
kickin myself silly even as the words leave my
mouth. Smy problem. Ill take care of it.

638/755

My legs are like lead. Everything in me

screams to go back, to let her have her way with
me, but I know a dangerous fucking road when I
see one. If I stayed in that room, thered be no
going back. Id do something I regret, and
something shed regret too, probably. Shes a
goddamn ice princess, flawless future valedictorian, and Im the underbelly scum of this school.
Shit like that just doesnt add up.
Ranik Alice starts.
Look, text me the time and details of the
fair, and Ill meet you there, okay?
I shut the door behind me.

639/755

I shake my head as I drive to school, embarrassed but still faintly satisfied with myself.
Im not Theo. Theo shoulda done that to
Alice, not me. Shed have enjoyed it more if it
was him.
But like a hungry, pathetic-ass beggar, I
relive this morning with Alice over and over for
the rest of the week. I try to push the scent of her,
the feel of her out of my mind, but then I see her
walkin through the halls, catch a glimpse of her
blonde hair as she bends over a book, or a gorgeous smile aimed at Theo, and Im a hopeless
fucking parched mess all over again, and I drink

640/755

and drink of that last memory, but it aint never

her, it aint never her hands or her smile, and Ill
always be fuckin thirsty because its not me
shell kiss, its not me shell with and eat with
and study with, its not me shell hold hands and
talk about her future dreams with, its not my
face shell stroke as we lie in bed, its not me
shell give her first time to, because it aint me
she loves.

Chapter 10
Charlotte tries to hit me with a pillow for
the thirteenth time.
I cant believe youre still keeping
secrets from me! She shrieks, smiling. Ill ask
you one last time, and after that Im gonna get
nasty; where were you Friday night?
A friends, I giggle, and its so uncharacteristic even Charlotte looks shocked.
YouI knew it! That rosy glow, the
way youre so happy lately Charlotte gasps.

642/755

You got laid! Oh my god! Why did you tell me

you had sex with Theo?
I flinch. I didnt. I promise!
Sure, sure, Charlotte laughs. Whatever
you say. She pauses, then flings her arms
around me and hugs me tight around the neck.
Oh my god, congratulations, Al! Im so happy
for you! Its about damn time! Youre beautiful
and perfect and I hope you guys are super
happy.
Charlotte, stop, I frown. Nothing
happened.
Something happened, She insisted.

643/755

Okay, something happened, but not what

you think.
Ugh, alright, fine! Dont tell me if you
really want. But Im still happy for you. Seriously. Theos the luckiest guy in the world.
I dont correct her. The delusion is safer
than the honest truth. Charlotte gets up and
stretches.
Well, are you still gonna ask Ranik to
the fair, then?
I already did.

644/755

Ahh, guess it cant be helped. So when

are you gonna tell everybody youre dating
Theo?
Im not
Oh, wait, dont tell me. Let it be a surprise. She laughs. Theres a knock on the door,
and Charlotte jumps up.
Thats gotta be Nate, She winks.
Were having dinner at Little Romeos, if you
wanna come.
She opens the door, all smiles, and there
stands my mother. Her blonde hair is pulled back
in a strict bun, her face drawn tight over itself

645/755

with age and a bare few wrinkles. Shed be beautiful, if she didnt look so severe. Her spotless
blue suitdress is in perfect order. Her blue eyes
find me instantly.
Alice, Mom says. There you are. May
I speak with you?
I bolt up instantly, stammering. Y-Yes.
She leads me out, Charlotte wide-eyed
behind me. I close the door, and Mom rounds on
me instantly.
How are you? She asks.
Im fine -
Your room looked rather disheveled.

646/755

Its mid-terms, I say. I-I havent had

the chance to clean
You must be studying extremely hard if
you can find no time to pick up after yourself.
Its been a very hard term
Should I schedule a tutor for you over
Christmas break to catch up?
N-No, I say. mom, Im alright. What
brings you here?
She sniffs. I was in the area for a conference, and I thought Id visit my daughter. Is that
so strange?
No, of course not. Im glad to see you.

647/755

Are you really? You havent even tried

to hug me.
Oh. Im quiet. I tentatively open my
arms and move towards her, but Mom pushes
away.
No, I dont want a hug given reluctantly.
Lets walk.
She turns and walks down the hall, her
heels clicking on the tile. A girl scurries to move
out of her way, looking terrified. Mom has that
effect on people. I follow, smiling apologetically
at the girl as I pass.

648/755

Mom, theres a caf not too far away if

you want. Its very good.
No. Im not in the mood for college
food.
Moms walking so fast, I have to stride to
keep up. We get out onto the grass of the quad,
and only when she starts walking towards the
Farris building do I realize shes taking me to
Mathers office. My palms begin to sweat.
Mom, why are we
Come now, Alice. Keep up.
I swallow and open the door for her.
Mom walks briskly though, and leads me up the

649/755

stairs and to Mathers office. With every step, the

cold knot of dread in my stomach gets harder and
heavier. My throat goes bone dry as Mom knocks
on the door with the polished bronze plaque that
reads; A. Mathers, Professor of History.
Come in, Mathers voice rings. Mom
opens the door and walks in. Mathers sits behind
his desk, a stack of papers obscuring most of his
face. He pushes them out of the way, sitting as
straight as his pot-bellied posture allows. His
beady eyes focus on me.
Alice! And Mrs. Wells. How delightful
of you to visit me.

650/755

I flinch. Mom just beams a bright smile at

him.
Thank you for having me on such a short
notice, She says. Alice, sit down.
I shoot a look between her and Mathers.
Mathers smile is so oily that I almost recoil, but
I sit at the chair across from him as Mom settles
in the chair next to me.
This will not end well.
Mom clears her throat first.
Alice, Mathers contacted me about a
week ago.

651/755

Ive been attending his class every day

this week, I defend.
Its not about your attendance, Mathers
corrects.
Mom turns to me. Mathers seems to believe youve been spreading rumors about him.
My eyes flash to my professor. He looks
smug as all hell. I narrow my eyes.
I havent been.
He says these rumors are about sexual
harassment, Mom continues briskly. I go stiff.
Every memory of that horrible incident surfaces

652/755

at once, and Im paralyzed by it. He told Mom?

Surely shell believe me, now. Mom frowns.
Do you have any idea how these kinds of
rumors can affect a professors career, Alice?
I freeze. Mathers smile grows fakepatient, fake-saintly, as he leans across the desk
and pats my Moms hand.
Now now, Mrs. Wells. I dont want you
to be too hard on her. It was my fault too, after
all. I was so ecstatic about her brilliance and dedication. Its easy to take that sort of excitement as
a come-on, especially by a girl so inexperienced
as Alice.

653/755

Hundreds of knives feel like theyre

plunging into my heart at once.
Mom, I find my voice. You cant actually believe him -
Do you think he tried to sexually harass
you or not? Mom cuts me off.
I steel my fist in my lap. Yes. He tried to
he touched me, Mom
And I apologize, Mathers smile pityingly. For giving you an encouraging hug.
A hug? My voice goes quiet. Is that
what you call it?

654/755

Enough, Alice, Mom snaps. She leans

in and whispers to me so Mathers cant hear.
How could you jeopardize your college education like this?
I feel sick. I want to throw up right there
on the matted red carpet. Mom is on his side.
Hes persuaded her with his professorial connection with her. Hes gotten to her before I can tell
her the truth. And she believes it, swallows it all,
because shes so ready to find an excuse to blame
me blame me for not choosing her alma mater,
blame me for not doing well enough for her,
blame me for Dad being gone. She wants control

655/755

in my life, total control like she had in high

school and Mathers call is the perfect excuse to
get it back.
Youre going to believe a man youve
never met over your own daughter? I say, loud
and clear and slowly. Mom leans back, the look
in her eye as though Id threatened her with a
knife.
I can feel a dark sadness welling up in
me.
All these years, I thought that trying my
best would make you love me, I start, and laugh.
I thoughtI thought I could make you proud, if

656/755

I tried hard enough. But after all this time, all my

trying, you still dont love me? You still dont
eventrust me?
I wipe my eyes. How could you? After
all your rules Ive obeyed? Ive done everything
you wanted, everything you asked. Ive skipped
every party, every sleepover. Ive never drank alcohol, Ive never done a single drug in my life,
and yet you treat me like Ive done them all. You
treat me like my peers, but Im not like them! I
tried so hard to beto be better than them! To
make you proud!

657/755

Mom is absolutely silent, but Mathers unwisely isnt.

Alice, your mother is only trying to help
you
Quiet. I stand tall, my voice imperious.
Shut your mouth, you disgusting little worm.
Mathers recoils. Mom stands with me, her
glare practically Arctic-cold.
You show some respect right now,
young lady.
To him? Or to you? Which is more
important, mother-dearest? I ask coolly.

658/755

Mom bristles, her eyes like two shards of

ice. How dare you. After everything Ive done
for you, after everything Ive sacrificed for you
She sputters, pulling herself up to her full intimidating height. Ive done so much, and yet
youve turned into a liar, and a bald-faced manipulator! None of this wouldve happened if you
listened to me and agreed to go to Princeton
I laugh, louder and longer and more bitterly than I ever have. I throw my head back and
let the laughter come from deep within my stomach. Mathers and Mom look at me like Ive lost
my mind. I turn to leave just as someone knocks.

659/755

I freeze. Mathers doesnt even say enter, but the

person barges in anyway.
Dark curls, gold-green eyes, and a lean,
looming figure. Black leather jacket. Black jeans.
Ranik.
He looks at all of us and grins jovially.
Hey there! Did I interrupt something?
His eyes catch on me, on my tear-stained
face. My laughter-induced grin fades, dissolving
like sugar in water as his eyes pierce me, read
me, understand me.
Mathers stands and points at his door,
face instantly turning red.

660/755

Get out.
Whoa whoa whoa, Ranik throws up his
hands. I just got here. Alice, you wanna introduce me to the pretty old lady over here? Mr.
Maggot, no introductions are necessary.
Mathers snarls. Mom flinches visibly at
the word old, and her face twists into a rigor of
offense.
Ranik, this is Mrs. Alexandra Wells. My
mother. I say. Ranik smiles at her.
You did good with Alice, Mrs. A. She
got all your good looks and all your brains.

661/755

Who exactly are you? Mom asks. Ranik

walks up to Mathers desk and drops his phone
onto it.
Im just a guy dropping off a package,
he shrugs, and winks at me from under his bangs.
You guys might wanna watch the first clip on
the camera roll.
Mathers scoffs. What kind of idiocy is
this? Get out of my office right this minute.
Mom knits her eyebrows. Whats the
clip of?
Dunno, Ranik shrugs. Guess youll
have to watch it.

662/755

I shoot Ranik a look. For having just met

my Mom, hes playing her weaknesses surprisingly well. If theres one thing Mom cant resist,
its her own curiosity. She picks it up and opens
it, flipping to the first clip. She presses play. As
she watches, Ranik backs away, leaning in front
of me. His hand opens and closes behind his
back, in a give me your hand gesture. He
smirks at me over his shoulder, waiting. I slide
my shaking hand into his, and he gives it a
strong, reassuring squeeze.
Its really nothing special, sir.

663/755

Dont be silly. Ive seen hundreds of kids

come and go through my class every semester,
and none of them have the dedication and talent
you do, Alice. Youre a truly remarkable girl.
The voices on the video are instantly recognizable thats me. Thats Mathers and I. I
look over Raniks arm and see the tiny screen
its a movie taken through the doors of the lecture hall, focused on Mathers and I.
T-Thank you, sir.
And always so polite, he continues.

664/755

His arm drops from my shoulders and

slides down my spine, resting right on the skirt
over my butt.
Mom covers her mouth with her hand.
Her fingers are shaking. Mathers face is slowly
growing more and more horrified as he hears the
audio from the clip. The clip ends abruptly, just
before Ranik barged in. Relief and confusion
flood through me all at once relief that he recorded it, and confusion as to why he did. But I
have no time to ask him before Mathers scrabbles
for the phone over the desk.
Give me that, give me that right now!

665/755

Mom holds it up and away from him.

Ranik laughs.
Dont worry about it, old man. Ive got
lots of copies I can give you later.
My fingers tighten in his palm, and he
feels it and turns, eyes concerned as he puts his
hands on either side of my face.
Hey, you okay?
I want to nod, to say yes, but I shake my
head instead and make a strangled noise. He
clucks chastisingly and pulls me into his chest,
strong arms wrapped around me completely.

666/755

Its okay now, Princess. Dont gotta

worry bout nothin.
Alice, Mom says evenly. Alice, look
at me.
I peer up at her. Ive never seen her face
this serious, and I know her well enough to recognize the frigid fury beneath her pale skin.
Im sorry. This is clear evidence that I
was wrong. She turns her gaze on Mathers.
And this is clear evidence you are the only lying
manipulator in this room, Mathers.
Well then, Ranik says cheerfully, taking his phone back from Mom. Can we leave

667/755

you two at it, then? Alice and I wanna get some

fresh air.
Mom nods without taking her blazing
eyes from Mathers face.
Yes, you two can go. I think I can handle
this on my own. Ill stop by your room later,
Alice. We should go to that caf you pointed out
to me earlier.
ImIm looking forward to it, I say, a
watery smile forming on my lips. Ranik leads me
away, and I lean into him, the smell of pine and
smoke nothing but comforting. When were a
long way down the hall, I look up at him.

668/755

You had a recording of it all along?

Princess, how else do you get people to
dance to your tune?
You used me, waited to stop it until you
had enough blackmail material
I didnt know you, back then. All I knew
is a cutie was being hit on by the sleazeball I
hated. He sees my face and ruffles the top of my
head. Sorry, you.
The relief thats been building in my body
releases all at once as a comforting wave of
warmth. All the fear and betrayal is gone in an

669/755

instant turned on its head by my teacher. My

friend.
By Ranik Mason.

***

Mom doesnt stay long, but she stays

longer than shes ever had. A few days turns into
a week, and the entire time she spends with me
going to cafes, libraries. I show her around the
campus, and Ranik even takes us to dinner once
or twice, and shows us around the city. Mom
wrinkles her nose at his bars and music venues,

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but her curiosity makes her eager to explore these

things shes never experienced before. She asks
Ranik questions about psychology, and they have
heated debates. To my surprise, Ranik holds his
ground fairly well against my PhD mother.
My PhD mother is nearly unrecognizable.
When she came out of Mathers office,
something in her had changed. Mathers resigned
four days after. Charlotte practically threw a
party, joining Mom, Ranik and I with Nate at a
sushi place. It was the first time I got to see Mom
drunk on sake. She even sang karaoke with me,
at the urging of Ranik.

671/755

And for the first time, I was sad to see her

go. I was sad to see her drive away in her rental
car. She and I were never ones for sappy goodbyes, so it was a quick farewell, with metric tons
of tension behind it. But she did give me a hug
before she left. I was almost too shocked to return it, but at the last second I hugged her back,
and she seemed to relax with it.
Mom, relax?
I almost start laughing now that I think
back on it. Itd been a surreal week of happiness
that all blurred together. Whatever happened in
Mathers office changed Mom, and it changed

672/755

our relationship. The things that happened in that

room didnt change me.
Ranik did.
These few months of experience and
learning changed me from the inside out. And
only in that office did I first begin to truly accept
it.
The weekend of the fair sneaks up on me
faster than Id like to admit. Mid-terms sit
between all of the students and a three-day weekend, and were practically salivating at the
thought of it. Finally, finally, when the last essay
question is answered and the last bubble filled in,

673/755

the bell rings, and we all tumble out into chilly

November freedom.
I stretch on the steps of the biology building, my scarf holding in the hot clouds of air that
puff from my mouth. Its so cold, I start to rub
my hands together to keep them warm. They get
grabbed by a pair of larger hands, and rubbed
rapidly. I look up to see Theo smiling down at
me.
Jesus, your fingers are like icicles! He
exclaims good-naturedly. I laugh.
It happens, when youre an Ice Queen
like me.

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Definitely a Queen, Theo smirks. But

a queen of ice? No. A queen of knowledge fits
you much better. Like Athena.
That would make me a goddess, I correct. Im not that powerful.
I dont know about that, Theo insists.
Ive heard from practically everybody on campus, really, that you got Mathers fired for being
a perv single-handedly.
Well, its all true. Except for the part
where it was done single-handedly.
Oh? You had help?

675/755

Ranik Mason, I blurt. Theo raises his

eyebrow.
Huh. I guess I shouldve known. Anyway, good work. You ready for the fair, then?
I nod. Theo scratches his head.
So whore you bringing?
Um. Well Ranik, to be perfectly
honest.
Something in Theos face flickers, but he
quashes it quickly. I realize how it all must
sound, and remember Ranik and Is promise to
remain quiet about him to Theo. How could we

676/755

have overlooked it? Theres a tense quiet, and I

fill it with excuses.
He helped me with Mathers, so I
thought I could pay him back with a night of fun.
Ifif thats alright with you.
Theo snaps out of it, shaking his head and
grinning.
Yeah, sure. He deserves that much. Ill
see you tonight then, yeah?
I nod, and he walks away with a kind
wave. Grace collides into his arm, and she
glances back and sees me and waves, too. They
look so complimentary, I cant help but be

677/755

impressed at how at ease they look with each together. I spot Charlotte and Nate across campus,
sitting under a tree and feeding each other sour
candies. I laugh and rub my hands together again
to warm them. Everything about today is ecstatic,
joyful. I cant even be mad, or worried by Grace
and Theo. Whatever happens tonight, happens.
Not everything can be planned out with steps and
footnotes. Sometimes, it has to just be lived.
Ranik taught me that much.
Speaking of Ranik, Miranda is walking
towards me, pink hair ablaze in the pristine

678/755

autumn sun. She shrugs her backpack onto the

other shoulder and smirks.
Hey there, genius.
Miranda, I nod. How have you been?
Better, now that Ranik aint a bitchy
mess.
He was bitchy?
Like you wouldnt believe, Miranda
rolls her eyes. And when hes bitchy, he makes
the house damn unliveable. Anyway, thanks for
whatever you did. It cheered him up real quick.
I didnt do anything.

679/755

Sure, She laughs. Whatever. I heard

you invited him to the fair tonight. You know
what youre gonna wear yet?
I shrug. A dress? My mom bought me
some
Dress? From your Mom? Miranda
laughs. Oh, cmon, we can do better than that.
Tonights special. You looked good in my stuff,
you know. You should give it another try.
Really? You think so?
Of course!
Its hard not to look incredibly sexy in
black, I agree. Miranda punches my shoulder.

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See? You get it. So its a deal. Ill drop

some of my stuff off at your dorm-room tonight,
alright?
Yeah.

Thatd

be

great.

Thanks,

Miranda.
No problem, She winks, and takes off
across the quad.

***

I nervously sift through the pile of black,

skull-patterned clothes Miranda dropped off for
me. Charlottes gone for the night, so I have the

681/755

dorm room to myself. I try on shirts, skirts,

dresses, and finally settle on a black ruffle skirt
and spaghetti strap top. Its very not my style, but
I feel like a change will be refreshing. Maybe it
will get Theos attention.
I shake my head. Hell notice me if he has
half a brain. I look at myself in the mirror. My
hair is in two braids, and my makeup is minimal,
but I do put on lipgloss Charlottes, and
strawberry-flavored. With two black ribbons in
my hair and a big jacket, my outfit is complete.
I stare at myself for a few minutes my,
how Ive changed. What would the old me think

682/755

of this new me, a me whos confident, who

smiles more? A me who isnt afraid as she used
to be of failing?
My phone buzzes, Raniks number on it.
yo, u ready princess? lets go
I smile at myself one last time in the mirror, grab my phone and wallet, and leave.

***

Ranik keeps glancing at me sideways as

he drives. I finally laugh.
Is there something on my face?

683/755

He shakes his head, hand gripping the

steering wheel harder. Hes wearing a blue flannel, and a pair of dark jeans. His grin is as
crooked as his messy bangs.
Nah. You just looknice.
Thank you, good sir.
I just He pauses. Im just worried
Theo aint gonna like it. Hes not gonna like you
bringing me, either.
I already talked to him about it. Hes
fine with it.
Really? Ranik quirks a brow.

684/755

Really. I pat his hand on the clutch.

Besides, who cares what he thinks.
He shoots me a disbelieving look. Are
you serious?
Yes. I roll down the window, the cold
air offsetting the beautiful, fiery sunset painting
the city in shadow. The wind whips a few strands
of hair over my face, and I revel in the feeling of
it. Tonight feels special.
Its already special, he says. With you
asking me out and all. Once in a lifetime miracle,
pretty much.

685/755

I smirk. Dont be stupid. Youve earned

it, after playing chauffer for Mom and I all last
week.
Yanno, once you get past the raging
bitch outer shell, shes actually kinda tolerable.
Sounds familiar.
I flip him off and he laughs. The silence
that

follows

is

almost

comforting,

al-

mostnormal, like theres a semblance of peace

between us. And there is. How can there not be?
Raniks done nothing but help me, and be kind to
me. At the beginning I wasnt nice to him at all,

686/755

but hes been steadfast and gentle for our entire

working relationship.
Working relationship? I think as he pulls
into the fair parking lot. The silhouette a of fairylight laden ferris wheel and a glittering roller
coaster called THE DEVILS MOUTH stand out
against the trees. The smell of hot, fried dough
and crisp sugar is a nectar that lures us ever
closer to the fair. The line is big, but not huge.
Ranik gets in line for tickets, and I stand with
him.
Ill pay, I say automatically.
What? No way, he scoffs. My treat.

687/755

You treated me to all those dinners,

though! I have to pay you back somehow.
Oh, Im sure youll think of a way, He
nudges me, pointing at a smooching couple
against the fence.
Gross, I snap. In your freaking
dreams.
He just chuckles and buys a string of tickets for the both of us. I take them begrudgingly,
but Ranik doesnt notice, scanning the crowd
instead.
When did they say theyd be here?

688/755

Around eight, I answer. But, cmon.

Thats a half-hour away. Lets go kill some time
with the rides.
When did you get so rebellious? He
laughs. What happened to the punctual, neverbudge-from-the-rules Alice we all know and
love?
I blush. Shut up. You dont love me.
I do, His smile reaches his eyes, all the
irreverent flippancy gone from his soft expression. I barely dare to breathe. But the seriousness
isnt real and it doesnt last long, because he
musses my hair up.

689/755

Kidding, just kiddin. Dont look so sad.

Cmon, rides it is. Just dont make me go on the
Spewer more than twice, okay?
I dont know any of these, I look
around in awe. Mom never let me go to a fair.
You show me the ropes, teacher.
An old couple overhears me, and giggles,
shooting knowing glances at us. Ranik scratches
his neck, embarrassed.
Alright, alright. Just dont call me that in
public.
I follow him through the games alley,
where he shows me the rigged monstrosities such

690/755

as the dart-balloon game, the milk-bottle ringtoss,

and the goldfish scooping game. I observe the
physics of each and inform him of the exact calculated probabilities of winning, but Ranik just
laughs it off and plays dart-balloon anyway.
If you could have any of those up there,
He motions at a row of stuffed animals. Which
one would you want?
My eyes flicker over the red panda, but I
set my lip stubbornly.
None of them. Theyre all googly-eyed.
Ranik smirks and squints, throwing a dart
that hits a 20 point balloon right in the middle.

691/755

He throws another, and it misses the 20 point balloon, but lands on the ten point instead. Another,
and it hits a twenty. The last one sails right past
the tens and hits a last twenty, and the booth guy
and I gape at each other.
Do you even know how low the chances
were of that happening? I demand as Ranik
picks out a stuffed animal. The aerodynamics
alone shouldve been enough to
He shoves the red panda in my hands.
Ahh, stuff it.
The pun falls dead between us. I stamp
my foot.

692/755

I dont know whether I want to punch

you for that, or laugh! I snap. He laughs for the
both of us.
A plate of funnel cake and two slushies
later, and Im sufficiently pumped full of enough
sugar to consider a ride thats taller than the
merry-go-round. Ranik and I go on the Pharaoh,
a massive centrifugal-force centered ride, and the
thrill of feeling my stomach try to jump out of
my mouth is almost enough to make me forget
just how high up we are. When we get off, I notice the red nail marks on Raniks hand.
Oh my god, are those from me?

693/755

Ranik looks up from choosing another

ride, and then looks down at his hand.
Well, crap. I didnt even notice you were
grippin that hard. Heights make me hells
nervous, too.
Youre bleeding, I whisper, and look
wildly around. Come on. We have to find a
medical tent.
He complains, but eventually he lets me
drag him to a medical tent. They give us a few
band-aids and I insist on applying a cream of
Neosporin myself. As my finger runs over the
cuts I made, Raniks fingers appear under my

694/755

chin. He lifts it up, his gold-green eyes flickering

with the warm lights of the carnival as they meet
mine.
I try to break the tension with a too-high
whisper.
Y-Youre bleeding, I say.
And youre beautiful, He murmurs.
Fuck me, Alice, youre so damn beautiful
Alicceeee! A cheery voice pierces
between us as Grace, in a blue-green sundress
and a cat beanie, runs up to the tent. There you
are! Weve been looking all over for you!

695/755

Theo walks up lazily behind her, in a

sweater and a comfy-looking pair of jeans. His
gold hair is brushed to the side, the sunset reflections making it look rosy. When he gets close
enough, he nods coolly at Ranik, who nods back.
Theo, Ranik says. Nice to see you. Try
to leave some ladies for us mortal beings tonight,
will ya?
Hes not a god or anything! Grace
pouts, grabbing his arm. Hes just a big idiot.
I thought I was a moron, Theo
chuckles. Grace sniffs.

696/755

Whatever! Its the same thing. So, what

ride did you guys wanna go on first?
Well, we got bored, I say. So we
already tried the Pharaoh
Grace gives a dying screech. Nooo! Ugh,
you guys are so fucking lame.
We havent tried the Devils Mouth yet,
though, Ranik offers. Figured if we were going
to hell, more would make it merrier.
Devils Mouth it is, then, Theo says.
Lead the way.
Ranik and Grace skip ahead, while I hang
back with Theo. He smiles at me.

697/755

You certainly lookdifferent tonight.

I borrowed a friends wardrobe, I say.
I like it.
Oh. Well, if you like it, you work it,
gurl. He puts on an accent and snaps his fingers.
I roll my eyes. Grace yells at us from the front of
the line, waving with Ranik, but we can barely
hear her over the din of the crowd. Theo shouts
what a lot, but Grace and Ranik finally give up
and go into the same roller coaster seat. That
leaves Theo and I. The line dwindles, filling up
the coaster, until finally Theo and I are seated in
the back. Together. I feel a soft butterfly start to

698/755

beat in my stomach, but when I look over to

Theo to make small talk, hes just staring at the
back of Graces head in the front with a horribly
angry look on his face. His hands grip the bar in
front of us with white knuckles.
Um, Theo? I ask. Are you okay?
What? He looks over at me, the anger
almost completely disappearing. Yeah, no, Im
fine. Just a little nervous.
Its okay. I estimated the length of track
from the top of the Pharaoh. This coaster can
only last approximately forty-eight point three
seconds, if we do two rounds.

699/755

The coaster jolts to life, and I see Ranik

turn around. He shoots me a terrified oh shit
were actually on a roller coaster called The
Devils Mouth help me look. I give him a
thumbs up, and he rolls his eyes in a you aint
very helpful way.
And its then I lose my mind. And my
funnel cake.
Having never been on a roller coaster before, I could only extrapolate what it would be
like from knowing how fast cars travel. But I
hadnt taken into account the twists, and turns,
and the upside down loop-de-loops. Ranik is

700/755

yelling like a crazy maniac, Grace is screaming

shrill and loud, and Theo is silently gripping the
bar for dear life. I throw my hands up and whoop
the entire way.
Dizzy, exhausted, yet pumped full of adrenaline, we decide another round is in order. Except Theo doesnt want to go, and Grace wont
go on without him. So its just Ranik and I, in the
very front seat. The ride worker lowers the bar
over us, and Ranik smirks at me.
You ready, Princess?
I nudge his knee with mine.
Affirmative.

701/755

702/755

Chapter 11
The night sky grows deeper and darker,
the stars glowing ever more brilliantly with the
contrast. Theres no moon, but the lights of the
fair are more than enough to see by. They practically blind us as the four of us stagger through
the food court portion of the fair. Armed with
nachos, corndogs, and frozen margaritas, we find
a soft spot in the grass to collapse in.
Ranik takes the frozen margarita from
me, and dumps it in a nearby trashcan.
Heeyyy, I groan. What was that for?

704/755

Youve had enough, Ranik smirks as he

sits back down next to me. First time drinking,
you gotta go slow.
But I like it, I say. And it likes me.
Its not the only thing that likes you,
Grace singsongs. Raniks been looking at your
butt all night.
Nu-uh! He defends eloquently. Shut
up!
Hey! Theo stands up, that strange, sudden fury in his eyes again, amplified by the fact
hes been drinking, too. Dont you tell her to
shut up, Ranik.

705/755

Ranik stands, coolly shoving his hands in

his pockets.
Oh, give it a rest with the crusade
against me, man, he sighs. It was six years ago.
Cant you just let one girl go? Youve already got
tons tripping over themselves to get at you.
You haveno idea, Theo breathes
heavily, balling his fist. You took her from me,
Ranik!
She left you, idiot, Ranik snaps. I
didnt take anything from you. She made her own
decisions. Dont blame that on me.

706/755

What the hell is going on? Grace

frowns. Is this about that girl in high school,
Theo? Was he.oh god, was Ranik the guy who
slept with her?
Theo flinches, and Ranik opens his mouth
to defend himself when Theo throws a punch at
his jaw. Ranik staggers, and as Theo goes for another punch I step in between them, pushing myself against Theo.
Hey! Cut it out!
Ive been trying to get past it all these
years, but he just keeps coming back, Theo
shouts. First Stacey, then Rachael. You even got

707/755

to Alice, you slimy prick! But I wont let you

touch Grace. I wont let you soil her like youve
soiled the rest of them -
Soiled.
My blood goes cold. Theo thinks Im
soiled.
I cant blink faster than Raniks punch.
Theo collapses, sprawled across the grass. Grace
shrieks and kneels by him, and Theo gives a
moan and tries to sit up. Ranik cracks his
knuckles.
You can punch me around, He says.
You can get mad at me, insult me. But dont you

708/755

ever, ever fucking insult Alice, you piece of shit.

Do you have any idea Raniks expression
grows pained. Do you have any idea how
fuckin hard shes worked to get you to notice
her?
Ranik, I breathe. Please, stop.
What? Theo spits. What are you talking about?
You wanna know why Ive soiled
her? Ranik laughs. Why weve been hanging
out? Its cause she came to me. She came to me
so I could make you like her.

709/755

Grace and Theo both look at me, and I

bury my head in my hands. Shame burns my
cheeks up in an instant.
Is thatis that true, Alice? Theo asks. I
nod, unable to deny anything more. But why
him? Why Ranik?
Yeah, Princess, Ranik urges. Why me?
Why not just go to Theo and tell him how you
feel? Why pick dirty, angry, ugly me over this
golden piece of manmeat over here, huh?
His word sting more than a slap across
my face. Grace helps Theo up, and they limp
over to a picnic table a few meters away.

710/755

Why would you ask a reject like me for

help, Ranik presses. When you could have any
guy in school teach you anything you want for
free? I guess you just pitied me, huh? You saw
me at that pool party and you thought, damn, he
looks pathetic, I bet hed do anything for me.
No, thats not what I
Because I would, you know. Do anything for you.
The confession is abrupt and yanks my
heart around in my chest. Grace and Theo move
from the picnic table towards the medical tent,
and I would watch them go but I cant, not when

711/755

my eyes are transfixed to Raniks sincere, molten

hazel ones. I cant breathe. I try to stand but I
wobble, the margarita making it so hard to even
sit upright. But I somehow manage to catapult to
my feet and stumble off, away from Ranik. Away
from the sincerity in his eyes.
Confusion swirls in my mind, a huge tornado of doubt and uncertainty. I faintly hear
Ranik shouting my name, but I keep running
between striped tents and food carts.
I love Theo. At least, thats what I
thought. Theo was the most beautiful, intelligent
boy Id met in my life, and the only one whod

712/755

ever thought I was tolerable. Most boys were intimidated by me, or called me names. But not
Theo. He was the only one with the potential to
like me for who I was.
Then came Ranik.
Ranik, just as beautiful as Theo but more
savagely so, with his cigarettes and leather jackets. Not smart at school, but smart in a different
way, a streetwise way. At first I dismissed him
because of his reputation, but during our lessons
he treated me with such patience, such gentleness. Introducing someone like me to the world
of dating was insanely difficult, but Ranik didnt

713/755

bat an eyelash. He went to great lengths to set up

lessons, to offer his best wisdom and advice, to
help me whenever he could.
That one lesson muddled everything. I
muddled everything. Hed kept his end of the
bargain, never once making a move on me, but
my thirst for learning possessed me better than
any ghost, making me push boundaries that
shouldnt have been pushed. Or should they?
Was it really just learning I was after? Was I so
brave and insistent all because I wanted to learn?
Or was it more than that? Was it the sight of
Raniks lean hips under his shirt, the loneliness in

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his eyes? Was it his laugh, so bright and jovial

even when he was hurting? Was it the way he
treated me for all intents and purposes like a
princess? Was it the kisses, the touching, the
sight of him with other women who I could never
measure up to?
It was all of those things.
Alice! Ranik finally catches up to me,
and I look around. My feet have taken me to a
hill overlooking the fair, with a lone pine tree on
it. Its peaceful up here. Ranik is out of breath,
his eyes almost wounded.

715/755

Im sorry, He pants. Im sorry I said

all that crap. I didnt mean, I didnt mean to-
No matter how well we get along, I
start. It wouldnt work. Youd never want to be
tied down to just one woman, and Id never be
able to give you theto give you the sex you
want. Experienced sex. Good sex. I cant give
you that. I dont even know what it is. Im too inexperienced to ever be with someone like you,
Ranik. And I, I told you I want love. And you
told me you arent capable of love, soso it
wouldnt work. It would never work, no matter
how much we like each other.

716/755

I realize my words have devolved to sobs

only faintly.
We have nothing to offer each other, except laughter and friendship. A strange force
twists my heart in my chest, compressing it painfully. If we werent so different, we couldve
been very good, I think. Im sorry. Its over, I
dont need your lessons anymore. I dont need
you. You should be free to go, to be with whoever you want. Youre free.
Ranik furrows his brows. Why would I
wanna be free?

717/755

I hug myself, trying to stop the tears.

Ranik moves like he wants to hug me, but holds
back for some reason.
Listen, He urges gently. Theres still
time. You can go back to Theo, and tell him how
you feel yourself. For real. I know I fucked it up,
but he really does like you. Hed give you another chance. You have another chance to be
happy.
I dont I dont want
I clutch at my own chest, and Ranik finally gives in, hugging me close.

718/755

Hey, hey, shhhh. Its okay. Dont make

more worry for yourself.
How can I not? When you when you
told me all that stuff at your apartment, about
wanting me to be happy I look up at him. I
want Theo to be happy because I love him. And
you you want me to be happy becausebecause
Princess, cmon, Ranik pushes back,
holding my shoulders. Just get down to the medical tent already.
Im not r-ready.

719/755

Nobodys ever ready, His chuckle is

soft. But I believe in you. Youve come a longass way, and Im proud as shit. Any guy would
be lucky as sin to have you.
My twisted heart twists a little too far,
and something in it fractures. The pain is instant.
Hey, whoa, are you okay? Ranik
quickly puts his arms back around me to steady
me. You went crazy white all of a sudden
Why? I murmur against his neck. Why
did you agree to help me all those weeks ago?
Was it for the grades?

720/755

Well, yeah. He says. My chest sinks until he resumes talking. Thats what it was, at
first. I needed good grades and pronto. But then

His voice chokes off, and he holds me at

arms length, his smile bright.
Look, go on and find Theo, okay.
Youve worked real fuckin hard for this moment. Dont want you to waste it up here with
me.
But then what? I ask softly. Raniks
eyes flash dangerously, but his smile just gets
bigger as he nudges me towards the fair again.

721/755

Go on, Princess.
I plant my feet and whirl around.
But then what? I repeat sternly. Finish
your sentence.
Raniks eyes darken. There aint time for
that, just get on over there before Grace
I will. Ill go to the tent and confess to
him the moment you finish your sentence.
Raniks hands make fists, and his face
drains to white.
I-It was nothin, He stammers. Forget
about it.
Stop being cagey!

722/755

Stop bein weird! he fires back. I just

blurted it, okay? Nothing deep or meaningful behind it! It aint important. It aint as important as
what you gotta do, okay? And once you talk to
Theo, it wont be important at all. So jus drop it
and go.
Then say it now, I demand. I want to
know. I wont leave until you do.
Fine, He snorts. Then Ill leave.
He gets four steps before I put my body
between him and the fair, all my determined
pride slipping away to a plea.

723/755

Please, I look up at him. Please,

Ranik. What were you going to say?
Raniks face contorts subtly with some internal war in his mind. His fists tighten more, and
just as I brace myself for him to shove me aside
and leave, he leans in and kisses me. Its like no
other kiss hes taught me before the intensity
makes it hard to breathe, and his lips gently beg
and plead for more skin, more heat, more time.
When I try to pull away his hands cup my face
and hold me there, captive to his ministrations as
he works his lips along my jawline, towards my
tender neck, and up to my ear.

724/755

But then, He murmurs, hoarse. Then I

went crazy. I started thinkin about kissing you
like people in love do. I started wantin to protect
you, make you laugh. I started getting crazy jealous of Theo, of any guy you smiled at, cause I
wanted that smile pointed at me, too. I wanted
you. I wanted your smarts and your dedication
and your sweetness and your weird big words
and shit, your body. I fucked girls just to try and
get you outta my head, but it aint never worked.
You were always the one I thought about when I
came.
He shakes his head.

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I started wantin to help. To make you

happy, make you cum, and I got to do that a few
times, so Im real grateful. Guy like me got to
make a girl like you happy. Hah. Smore than I
deserve.
He runs his hands slowly down my collarbone, my shoulders, my ribs, resting them on my
hips and jerking them towards his own so were
pressed hard against each other. My inhale is so
sharp. Ranik just chuckles.
Im mean, arent I? Keepin you here
when youd rather be at the fair. Makin you kiss
me instead of kissin Theo. He lets go of my

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waist. For what its worth, Im real sorry, Princess. Sorry for not bein able to control my dumbass feelins.
Ranik
Ah ah, He wags a finger and motions to
the fair. You got shit to do. Go on.
His words say go, but his forced smile
says stay. Please stay. Hes hiding it as best he
can, but Ive known him for too long not to
notice.
Theo is just down that hill, confused. I
can finally tell him what Ive been wanting to for
months, now. Every dream and fantasy Ive had

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about him is inches away from coming to life.

But without Ranik, I would have learned what
those fantasies even were.
I turn to Ranik and put on my best smile.
I want to stay here. If thats alright with you.
I away just in time for Ranik to pin me
against the tree, his mouth hot and eager on my
neck. He kisses every inch he can reach, but
when he moves for my lips, I turn my face away
and smirk.
Please, Alice, he groans. Let me kiss
you.

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You already have, I singsong. I gasp

when he whirls me around and kisses me hard,
my lips bruising under his passion.
You like me? He asks hoarsely, as if
hes barely daring to believe it himself.
Is that so hard to believe? Youre kind,
and clever, I say. And you make me laugh so
much, always.
His fist tightens, and I smile.
Youve been nothing but patient with
me, with who I am. I dont have to pretend to be
someone Im not with you. You know how I
work, how I think, and youre sweet and helpful

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and I think youre very handsome and youre the

only one whos ever liked me. The real me. Robot girl.
She laughs, and squeezes my hand.
I feel safe with you. I feel so comfortable around you. I learn so much, everyday, being with you. And you alwaysalways say you
want me to be happy. No one else has ever said
that. But I know Im not your type. Im not good
at sex, I dont know anything, and you deserve
someone who is good and has a lot of experience,
I think. Im not interesting, or fun, or sexy, and

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you deserve a girl who is that and so much

more.
He leans in and kisses me, hard and fast.
Oh Princess, you dont worry about
nothin. Youre the greatest girl in the world, and
Im shit lucky to have found you. Or maybe you
found me. Dunno. But you gotta trust me. Youre
cute and pretty and gorgeous. And youre sexy as
hell.
But I dont
His kiss this time is slow, achingly so.
Sex aint all about experience, or bein
good. I thought I taught you better than that.

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IveIve wanted you for a real long time. And

you know dont give enough credit to those
razor-sharp Wells instincts.
Raniks hands roam over my clothes and
under where they can, the brush of skin-againstskin filling me with a staticy thrill. I arch my
back against his chest, my hips firmly against his
crotch, and he lets out a low hiss and leans his
forehead against mine, green-gold eyes hooded.
Theres still time, He pants. Get outta
here, now, while I still got a bit of control.

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I cup his cheek and kiss him my way, soft

and slow. I snake my other hand down and rub
against the rock-hard ridge in his jeans.
No, I say simply. Everything I want is
right here.
I dont know how, but between kisses we
make it back to the car. And between more
kisses, we make it back to his apartment. The
second were inside and Raniks checked that its
empty, he pounces on me, pinning me to the wall
again. It seems to be his favorite position.
I fight back by sliding my hand down to
his tented pants. Ranik gives a soft moan, the

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sound sending shivers through me. Ranik Mason

is moaning because of my touch. Its a heady and
powerful realization. Before I can stop myself, I
unzip his fly and pull all eight inches of him out,
stroking slowly. He looks down, start at my hand
as it works.
Fuck, He groans. Oh fuck, Alice, its
really you.
I smile and kiss his neck. Its really me.
His hips buck, eagerly pumping himself
through my fingers. All his previous reticence is
gone, replaced by a fevered wave of desire. How

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long had he been holding back? How hard had he

worked to his passion for me, from me?
I sink to my knees and smile up at him,
still stroking. His green eyes are hazy and look
down at me with confusion.
Come on, I urge playfully. Come
closer.
He doesnt need to be told twice, repositioning his hips with my face. His throbbing
cocks juts into my neck, and I laugh and kiss the
head. Raniks flinching spasm is entirely from
pleasure. The sweet must of him wafts up as I
lick long lines down his sides, and back up again.

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His hand twines in my hair, the other bracing

himself against the wall. I pepper him with little
kisses, and then look up. Raniks face is enraptured, tilted towards the ceiling, but when he
feels me stop he looks down. Hes silent for a
moment, intently drinking the sight of me in. And
what a sight I must be.

***

Shes the most gorgeous thing on Earth,

and shes on her knees in front of my cock. Her
face is flushed, blue eyes sparkling, and that little

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smile on her lips pushes me past the boundary of

painfully hard and into insanity. Shes happy.
Shes enjoying herself on my cock. Alice Wells
is with me, and happy about it.
I couldnt ask for more.
You look a-awfully please with yourself, I manage right before she envelopes me in
the tight, wet seal of her mouth. It takes
everything in me not to start frantically facefucking her right then and there.
And then it hits me.
This isnt her night to pleasure me, nosir.
Its the other way around.

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I push her away, and she shoots me a confused look as she stands. Is something
something wrong?
I pull my jacket and shirt off, and ease her
jeans off of her. She laughs as I kiss my way up
her thighs and belly, and end up looking into her
eyes.
Id only want it one way with you, Alice
wells. No bullshit. No games. No more girls.
None cept you. All of you. From your head to
your toes and everything in-between. Youre
mine, and Im yours.

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I blush, like what Im sayin is too corny

for me to stand. But it doesnt last long, because
Alice smiles up at me.
Id like that.
And then its over. I sink my hands beneath her panties and open her, two fingers easing in effortlessly. She gives a soft sigh and
wraps her arms around my shoulders. I unbuckle
my jeans and let them fall, and she eagerly pulls
my boxers down. We both laugh, but shes not
laughing when she sees the full sight of me, and
shes definitely not laughing when my cock rests
at her entrance for a split-second, and then sinks

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deep inside her. She gasps, and I kiss her neck

like Im tryna keep her mind off of it.
Sorry, I murmur. It might
No, I know. It will hurt for but a moment. Im adjusting very quickly.
I pull back and smile at her, smoothing
her golden hair from her forehead. I lean down
and pull her shirt off, unclaspin her bra, and to
take her mind away from the pain I play with her
nipples. She writhes and moans, and when I lean
down and suck one she practically bucks. My
cock feels her move and I cant help my achin
groan.

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Princess, dont
She smirks and bucks her hips again, and
again, and my eyes feel like theyre gonna roll
back in my skull.
Call me Alice, She insists.
Alice, I say, lost in relishin the incredible tight wetness of her.
Again, She demands, rolling her hips
this way and that.
Alice. Alice, Alice, Alice I freeze,
and force myself through the haze of pleasure to
take back control. I pin her hands above her head

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and smirk. Nah. Tonight youll be saying mine

name, Princess.
My first thrust has her eyes goin wide,
and the second makes her gasp.
You okay? I ask, nervous. I aint never
been nervous with a girl, but every part of me
wants to ravish her and keep her safe at the same
time, and its confusin as hell.
Im f-fine, Her head lolls back as I keep
thrustin. More. Oh god, Ranik, please, more.
As ya wish, I smirk, and kiss her pretty
little mouth.

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Epilogue

ONE MONTH LATER

Ranik Mason drives carefully, the exact

opposite of what youd expect from a tattooed,
leather-jacket wearing guy like him. But in the
narrow, crowded streets of San Francisco as we
head towards the state prison, Im grateful for his
safe driving now more than ever.

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Ranik shoots me a crooked smile, the sun

play luminous havoc with his gold-green eyes.
You nervous, Princess?
I absently play with the package in my lap
that says TO DAD. I nod.
Id be lying if I said I wasnt.
Well, listen, He starts. All you gotta be
worried about is any dudes named Hannibal.
Dont go near em. Especially if theyre last
name is Lector.
I roll my eyes, and Ranik stops at a red
light. The prison looms in the distance, all gray
stone and intimidating height. Thats where my

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Dads been held for the last ten years. Thats

where Ill finally get to see him. My nerves are
on the fritz.
Ranik must sense that Im really worried,
because he reaches out and entwines his fingers
with mine, bringing them to his lips and kissing
them.
Youre gorgeous, Al. Dont worry. Hell
see you and be so, so damn proud of the beautiful, amazin, smart-as-sin girl youve become. I
promise ya.
Is this a lesson on taking compliments?
I tease. Ranik laughs and musses up his hair.

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Only if you want lessons.

I do, I say loftily. But of a different
kind.
His eyes gleam wickedly. He pulls up to
the prison curb, and leans over to kiss me.
You come back soon, you hear? Weve
got a whole city to explore.
Do we? I just thought we were here to
trash the hotel room.
Ranik laughs. Ill be back for you in an
hour. Go get em.

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I get out and wave. When I cant see him

anymore, I swallow my nerves and walk up to the
gate. A prison guard tips his hat at me.
Evening, maam. You here for visiting
hours?
Yes. Bernard Wells, if you please.
Ah, youre his daughter, then. He talks a
lot about you. We were wondering when youd
come visit.
I wasnt ready until now, I say. The
guard nods.
I understand that. Just glad youre here
at all.

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It took a long time, I glance back once

at the road. But all the best things do.

Acknowledgments

750/755

~To my wonderful, beautiful, talented

friends and comrades in writing; Sarah, Laura,
and all my LBs. Thank you so much for
everything you do.
~To the incredibly fantastic bunch of
lady-authors who inspired me to go down this
self-pub road; Kelli Maine, Katie Ashley, Emily
Snow, and Michelle Valentine. You guys are so
incredibly nice and supportive. Thank you a
thousand times.
~To the fans: You are the most amazing,
loveliest people Ive ever had the joy to meet.
Thank you for all your support and I hope to continue writing forever for you!

751/755

~To the community you guys ROCK.

Book bloggers, reviewers, tour organizers, you
are all the bees fucking knees!

About the Author

Sara Wolf is the author of LOVELY
VICIOUS,

FEAR

ME

NOT,

and

the

ARRANGED series. Shes addicted to the Vampire Diairies, loves chocolate and romantic angst,
and cant get enough of damaged heroes. For additional books, news, teasers, and giveaways, visit her at sarawolfbooks.blogspot.com or facebook.com/sara.wolf.3304

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@Created by PDF to ePub