Letting Go Of SHAME and BLAME

Shame causes us to believe we are less than, stupid, foolish, worthless, inadequate or
unwanted. It diminishes our true sense of identity and destroys our belief that we are loving
human beings. It erodes our self-esteem and sense of equality in the world.
CoDA Book 1995 edition: ch 2, p16.
EXPERIENCING FEAR AND SHAME AS CHILDREN
As children our identity as well as our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves and
others were damaged each time we were abused or neglected. We felt shame and naturally
feared its reoccurrence, yet we allowed our sense of self and well-being to be shaped by those
who abused and neglected us. As children, we had no choice.
As we continued to experience abuse or neglect, our fear and shame intensified; we gave more
of ourselves away. Over time, (most often without our knowing), our abusers became our
Higher Power. We learned to fear their authority. As the abuse and neglect continued, the
possibility of developing an emotionally fulfilling relationship with ourselves, others, and our
Higher Power diminished.
We learned survival skills in order to cope. We controlled or avoided potentially volatile
circumstances. We cast away our childhood, tried to become little adults or rebelled. Many of
us didnt understand our actions because they were often instinctive.
Over time, we learned how to alleviate our fear and shame by controlling and/or avoiding
ourselves and others. When we felt overwhelmed or stressed out, we relied on what we knew
best to survive. In this codependent cycle, we took greater control of life, allowing less room
for a Power greater than ourselves to work through us.
CoDA Book 1995 edition: ch 2, p 17.
CONTINUING THIS BEHAVIOUR AS ADULTS
Without some form of help, we carry these emotional conflicts and survival patterns into our
adult lives. We hope to find peace and happiness and leave the past behind; but instead, we
recreate similar or opposite circumstances in our adult relationships. Neither extreme is
healthy. We unknowingly transfer the characteristics and power of our childhood abusers to
significant people in our lives today. Sometimes we transfer abusive characteristics to our
Higher Power, too.
In our adult relationships, we fearfully guard against any sign of shame, abuse or neglect. We
become manipulative or avoid other people and circumstances. This fear can grow stronger
than the shame itself. It forms a shaky foundation for relationships. We continue to draw
others near us, (hoping for intimacy) but when they get too close, we push them away because
of our fear of shame.
CoDA Book 1995 ed: pp17-18.
WHAT IS A SHAME SPIRAL?
We may have experienced overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, apathy or panic. We may
feel theres no solution or end to the pain; we feel isolated, rejected stupid or foolish. We call
this a shame spiral. We may berate or push ourselves harder to meet someone elses
expectations, engage in unhealthy sexual behaviour, compulsively eat or starve, or try to
escape from a situation by avoiding others. All of these behaviours cause us to feel more pain
and confusion. If we dont stop this cycle, our shame will spiral even worse and result in some
form of crisis. At these times, its important to reach to our Higher Power for guidance and
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Letting Go of Shame & Blame

strength. We write about our thoughts and feelings, and more importantly, go to meetings and
talk with our sponsor and recovery friends. Many of us find that the intensity of our shame
fades as we reach toward our Higher Power. Were better able to focus on our choices and
regain a sense of empowerment and self-esteem.
CoDA Book 1995 ed: p109.
WHAT IS FEAR OF SHAME?
Fear of shame is our fear of being shamed again by our boss, mate, family members, friends or
parents. It has much greater control of our lives than shame itself.
We may be afraid to hear about our mistakes or shortcomings, and in turn, become defensive
or critical, possibly avoiding or lying about a situation. We become terrified of being
discounted or abandoned. We control others out of fear of their disappointment of or anger
with us. The shame we fear most is the same type of shame we experienced in our childhood.
Many of us find it helpful to share these fears with our sponsor or friends. When we confront
these original feelings and the resulting progressive fears, were able to soothe and possibly
eliminate their intensity.
CoDA Book 1995 ed: ch 5, p110.
FROM BLAME TO FORGIVENESS
It was difficult for some of us to let go of the past. We felt stuck with the desire to punish
ourselves or others for the pain we had so long endured. Steps six and seven offered us the chance
to release old ways of coping. We just needed a little help in order to be entirely ready for God to
remove all our defects of character.
I make peace with myself as I practice forgiveness
I am accepting, loving and forgiving
I am filled with tolerance for myself and others
I trust God and release my fear of others

Making Choices p8

SHAME AND STEP FOUR

For many of us self-abuse has been at the core of our disease. We made our abusers our Higher
Power. We took on the abusers shame, blame, hostility and put downs often unconsciously. We
became hostile to ourselves; we put ourselves down. There were tapes in our heads telling us we
were less-than and worthless. Doing a searching moral inventory of ourselves includes seeking
out our assets our good points. For many of us it is the hardest part of the inventory for it
involves silencing the inner critic, reprogramming the tapes with positive affirmations, and
slowly, with Higher Powers help, learning to love ourselves.
As co-dependents shame has often been a large part of our unmanageability. Often our misguided
attempts to be free of shame enhanced this defect instead of removing it. It can be helpful to
remember that shame is the flip side of pride. Both stem from lack of self acceptance. The
alternative to both is humility healthy self-acceptance.
Working Step 4 in CoDA
FROM SHAME TO ACCEPTANCE
Many of us have experienced life as a series of manoeuvres to avoid feelings of shame. Even
when we constructed elaborate walls to protect us from the scrutiny of others, an inadvertent slight
by another could crush our defences and send us into a tailspin of fear and shame. Working the
first 5 Steps of the CoDA program has helped us to se some of these patterns. Step Six offers us a
beginning to replace our wall of shame with the painless protection of acceptance.

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Affirmations
My Body
I let go of all the negative thoughts I have held about my body. I feel at peace.
I forgive myself for judging my body as unworthy.
My Emotions
I accept, own and experience all my feelings
I have the ability to accept and give love
My Thoughts
I think clearly and I determine what is right and wrong for me
I am entitled to my own opinions and can change them whenever I choose
My Spirit
I am grateful that God is always with me
I am an expression of my Higher Power
Making Choices p4

The following questions are intended to help identify how shame patterns might
operate in your life.

Physical
Am I overly concerned with my appearance: face, hair, body size, skin colour, age?
Do I judge others on how they look?
Do I try to control how others see me?
Do I try to control the appearances of those close to me?

Intellectual
Am I critical of my intellectual capacity?
Do I criticise myself or others for being dumb, slow, boring, not with it?
Do I always have to be right?
Do I habitually assume others are right and I must be wrong?
Is admitting Im wrong a sign of weakness?
Do I believe I cant or shouldnt make mistakes?
Do I over-react if others make a mistake?
If I make a mistake, do I assume I am a mistake?

Emotional
Am I touchy, easily hurt, quick to take offence, defensive?
Do I assume other peoples feelings (e.g. anger) are because of me?
Do I think my feelings are unimportant?
Am I emotionally needy and dependent?

Material
Am I ashamed of my financial circumstances?
Do I value material goods as a way to fulfil my needs or as something to enhance my self
worth?
What role does lack of self-acceptance play in my attitude to money and possessions?

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Moral
When do I judge my behavior too harshly?
When do I feel not-good-enough
Do I find myself saying well at least Im not?
Do I put others down or gossip about their behaviour?

Sexual
Do I feel inferior/superior because of my gender?
Do I accept put downs about myself as a woman/man?
Do I put down others because of their gender?
Have I used sex to get love?
Have I used others sexually?

Social
Do I avoid social situations?
Do I have difficulty taking the initiative in social situations?
Do I compare myself to others?
Am I ashamed of my family or background?
Am I ashamed to be seen with certain people?
Do I need a partner to feel acceptable?

Spiritual
Do I make the religious beliefs/values of others right or wrong?
Do I make others my Higher Power?
When have I played Higher Power to others?

Self absorption
Do I frequently seek assurance that Im OK?
Do I need others to like me before I can like myself?
Do I manipulate others into bolstering my self esteem?
Am I numb to my needs?
Does shame prevent me from asking directly for my needs to be met?
Do I take comfort from the martyr role?
Do I consider the rights of others, including their right to have difficult experiences?
Do I interfere in the lives of others because I know best, or to ease my pain, or for any
other pay-off?
Do I assume people wont like me or want to be around me?

Self sufficiency
Do I believe I must be capable of everything?
Am I stingy with myself, not giving or sharing who I am?
Am I reluctant to reach out to others?
Am I unable to trust others?
Am I unable to receive?
Is my attitude closed and avoidant out of fear of being discovered?
Do I rebuff and avoid others?
Working Step 4 in CoDA

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Letting Go of Shame & Blame