I decided to use MWA I as my traditional revision.

I decided MWA I because I believe

that MWA II is better to use the creative revision on because it has a lot of wiggle room while
this essay was rather cut and dry. I also had more errors on this essay, like choppy thought
processes and being a little bit to vague in some aspects of the essay. I also used a slightly
informal tone while this essay needs to be formal. Also, the MWA I is a little bit longer so it
makes it a bit easier to revise. The first revision I made was to eliminate all the space between
the title and the beginning of the first paragraph. I did this because it was just a waste of screen
space and was just generally unnecessary. I only made one change to the first paragraph, and
that was adding a the before engineering in the second to last sentence. I did this because it
makes the sentence flow better and it designates that its specifically the focus on the commercial
and thusly the focus on my essay.
In the second paragraph I made a few changes, but mostly to the first and third sentences.
In the first sentence I changed the semi-colon into a colon. I did this because it was a
grammatical error, because like we learned in fourth grade, colons are for listing, semi colons
help combine sentences. I also lower cased the ethos, pathos, and logos, because they are not
people, places, or things they dont need to be capitalized. Even though they are ideas, they are
generally abstract, rather than a definitive thing like Einsteins Theory of Relativity. I added an
additional sentence to expand on the definition of ethos. I gave it as an example of what was
used in the commercial.
In the third paragraph, I cut out the quotations around the interviewing, because it was
not a theoretical interview, rather an actual interview with the kids who are in the commercial. I
also added some sentences at the end to really describe engineer stuff. I described what they

were doing in the commercial: making calculations, making robots walk, and wearing goggles to
look smart.
The fourth paragraph I felt was strong, so I made no revisions. The fifth paragraph I
made a few edits. I first expanded out what the really inspiring music was, by describing
every instrument in the sound and why it was there and what mood it generally created. I also
described why they most likely chose those instruments, because certain instruments definitely
provoke a certain mood.
In the sixth paragraph I edited the grand because it did not really make sense in
context. I changed it to great because grand carries a connotation of rich and/or extravagant,
which is not the message I wanted to send to the reader.
I decided to make most of these changes primarily to increase the tone to fit the rhetorical
situation. Our situation was Write a rhetorical analysis for an ad or ad campaign for either an
educational/training program for your intended career or for your major. A student group on
campus dedicated to your major/intended career path is interested in how other universities and
programs are recruiting students and workers. Theyve asked you to analyze an ad or campaign
and report your findings via a rhetorical analysis. My essay before was more informal, which
this essay needs to be formal as it is for a job. I also changed some of my vocabulary to either
make more sense in context or to help formalize the tone of the overall essay.