Xinxiu Tian

Dr. Lauren Holt

ENG221RW
April 15, 2015
Visual-Based Memoir Revision Response and Plan
Summary Comments:
After reading the feedback of my first version of memoir, adding that we had a
pretty thorough discussion in Mondays class, I realize that what I have written in the
rhetorical analysis is more like a story about myself. And it is also about how my
story resembles those authorities stories. This is totally wrong tone/perspective
because what we should do is demonstrating the authorities theory of space, place,
and the self, using the visual memoir (photos we take) as evidence.
HOC: Organization
How: In the visual memoir I just said that at first I was confused and did not know
what to do with my major; however, I did not mention why Emory was not a space
for me.
Solution: In the visual memoir, I plan to add another group of pictures, which are
Emorys landscape in black and white. I want to show my sentiments that at first I did
not know Emory well, and it was just a space for me, which is black and white
without significant meanings.
In the future: I will read the assignments instruction more carefully, and
communicate with Dr. Holt in time if there is any confusion.
HOC: Synthesis

How: In my rhetorical analysis, I did not summarize any authorities theories and
their backgrounds. Therefore, the readers are very likely to misunderstand what I
want to claim and what my perspective is about. Furthermore, throughout the essay, I
am explaining my photos rather than using my photos as evidence, incorporating
them to my persuasive essay, aiming to demonstrate the authorities theories.
Solution: I have added some background information about the discussion of
space, place, and the self between these authorities. Moreover, I claim that I believe
that space will transform into a place as it acquires meanings, with demonstration
based on my visual memoir.
In the future: I will think from my readers perspective: can they understand what
I am talking about? If not, how can I improve what I have written?
HOC: Tone
How: As what Dr. Holt said, my perspective is telling the story that Emory
changes my view towards choosing a major; however, this is more like the theme of
my visual memoir rather than the theme of my persuasive essay. My essays main
function is to demonstrate the authorities theories with my memoir, my personal
story.
Solution: I cut off those examples of how my personal experiences resembling
those authorities experiences. Instead, I make a claim that space can transform into a
place as it acquires meanings at the very beginning. And I use my memoir to prove
what I have claimed is valid.
LOC: Awkwardness, Transitions, and Perspective

How: As this semester quickly passing, I start to forget using They Say I Say as a
guidebook to write fluent essay with little grammar errors.
Solution: I reread the book and found several good ways to bring up an
authoritys view, to claim what I believe in, and to make good transitions.
In the future: I will read more and think more instead of rushing to writing as soon
as I get the assignment.