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LIBRETTOMVOCAL BOOK Damn Yankees Weds and Music by RICHARD ADLER and JERRY ROSS Book by GEORGE ABBOTT and DOUGLASS WALLOP Based on the novel by Douglass Wallop “The Year The Yankees Lost the Pennant” THE CHARACTERS JOR BOYD (later called Joe Hardy) MEG BOYD MR. APPLEGATE SISTER DORIS JOE HARDY HENRY SOHOVIK SMOKEY LINVILLE VAN BUREN ROCKY GLORIA THORPE LYNCH WELCH BRYANT LOLA BOULEY LOWE | MICKEY MISS WESTON COMMISSIONER POSTMASTER GUARD OTHER BALL PLAYERS BASEBALL FANS SINGERS AND DANCERS Jor: Strike three, ball four, walk a run'll tie the score. Yer blind ump. (L hand) Yer blind ump, ya mus! (L hand) Be out-a yer mind ump, ‘Six months out of every year (in chair) | might as well be made of stone (Face front, head tilt L) ‘Six months out of every year when I'm with him T'm alone. Jos ‘He caught the corner. Mao: Boys: (Lean front L) ‘Six months out of every year He dosn't take me anywhere (Front L) ‘Six months out of every year, when I play cards. Solitaire (He crosses R leg over L with R hand) (MEG look. Rise, XR to door, fold arms) ‘The other six months out of every year We ate hardly ever seen apart (XR step to door) But then the Washington Senators take over my place in his heart. (By door) Six months out of every year. (Head L) 1 might as well be wearing crepe (Head R front, refer to clothes, then L again) Life i just an awful bore from which I find no escape. (Then R, then L beginning next phrase) ‘Six months out of every year. (MEN enter L) (1st row on R knee. 2nd row half up. Hands on knees. Jrd row up) Strike three (R hand high, 4 fingers) Ball Four (L hand high, 4 fingers) Walk a run'l tie the score Fly ball (L hand, 1 finger) Double play (Glance once at each other) Yankees win again today ‘Those Damn Yankees (Both hands down on “Damn") Why can't we beat ‘em? (Raise up with hands slowly on “Why") (2nd row, R thumb rakes “He's out,” Ist & 3rd rows take “He's saje”) Bovs: Gints: Boys: Gumus: Bors: Ist Boys: 2nd & 3rd Bovs: Ist Boys: id & Bors: Ist Bors: 2nd & 3rd Boys: ALL Boys: Giats: Bovs: Gini: Boys: Gms Boys: Strike three ball four walk a run'l tie the score (Shoulders) ‘We might as well be wearing crepe (Touch dress) Fly ball double play, Yankees win again today Life is just an awful bore (Fold arms) From which there is no escape ‘Those Damn Yankees. Why can't we beat em? He's out He's safe He's out He's safe He's out He's safe He's out Yer blind ump, (R fist by head) ‘Ya must be out-a yer mind ump (Tap head R finger twice) (ALL dress L, GIRLS go L single file, hands clasped ‘on chest. GIRLS and BOYS spread to two lines) We're dying for the mercury to drop to three below ‘Yay Team (GoR, R fis) We're erying for the happy days of icicles and snow Yay team (R fist) ‘We don’t mind sleepin’ solo, that is once a year oF 80, ‘Those Damn Yankees But with them it’s a career (Point R finger diag. down at boy) ‘What are ya waitin for (Up sharply R fist high) April, May, June, July, August, September (ap R foot, hands on hips) ‘April, May, June, July, August, September (BOYS slide —) 000K, (Hold heads) ‘Six months out of every year. Bors: (Clench fist) Yer biind Ump, yer blind Ump. Ya must be oute-a yer ‘mind ump year. (PRINCIPALS sit. BOYS & GIRLS exit R & L on:) ALL: April, May, June, July, August, September April, May, June, July, August, September Mec: Six months out of every year (Goto chair, put on glasses) Jor: YER BLIND UMP, YER BLIND UMP, YA MUST BE... (L hand) OX. Sohovik, don't try to murder it... Just slip one through the infield — Come on, Sohovik, get lucky .. . Oh boy (To Mes) ‘The ball’s in the dirt and he swings. That does it (JOE snaps off the television, Rise XR) Meo Did the Washington Senators win, dear? (HE grunts) Oh, I'm sorry, Well maybe they will next time. Jor (sk) Damn Yankees. Meo ‘What, dear? Jon Td like to lick those damn Yankees just once. Meo But how can you if they're the champions? Jor (X to L of Meg) If we had just one long ball hitter — just one — Mes Honestly, Joe, you're going to get yourself a stroke if you keep this up —~ for at least uloers. Jor (Takes a swing at an imaginary ball) Wham! Mra ‘Oh, Joe, now my friends Sister and Doris — They like baseball but they don't suffer 50. (Rises) Well, I'm going to bed. I've got the bridge club tomorrow. (X to him, kisses him) Goodnight. (XR and exit upstairs — takes shirt) Jor Yeah, sure — I mean good night. (XR) Good night, old girl. (Goes out onto porch, Take swing at imaginary ball) WhartOne long ball hitter, that’s what we need. I'd sell my soul for one long ball hitter. (MUSIC. JOE lifts his head as though conscious of some new element and steps off porch Xing L and looking off L. Then he turns. AP- PLEGATE is standing in front of the chair R. MUSIC OUT. JOE X RC) Hey, where did you come from? Apriecare, Good evening, Jor (X up to porch) ‘Who are you? - APPLBoATE, Aman who agrees with you, Jor Agrees? APPLEGATE (One step DS.) ‘One long ball hitter — that’s what the team needs Jor You are right about that. You live around here? APPLEGATE. ‘My narhe is Applegate, and I think we have something in common, a love of the national game, Joe You bet. Care to sit down? (THEY BOTH sit, JOE on chain L, APPLEGATE on R) APPLEGATE, ‘Thanks. You don't like to see the Senators in 7th place. Jor Well they may pull together yet, AppLecaTs, 1m here to make you a proposition, Not only would you like to see Washing- fon win a pennant, but your secret yearning all your life has been to be a baseball player yourself, Jor. [Crossing legs) I wasn't so bad in high school. APPLEGATE, Not so bad! They were scouting you for Kansas City You've still got your spike shoes and your glove — they're up in your bedroom. (He nods in direction of the room above the porch) Jor ‘Who told you? AppLeoare. (Leans forward) Would you like to be the greatest baseball player in all history? Jor (Rises) Big joke. (XL step) APPLEGATE, No joke. You can be a great ball player. Jor I can't even bend over and touch my toes. APPLEGATE, Try it, Just for laughs, (JOE shrugs and tries to bend over, APPLEGATE motions with his hhand. Suddenly JOE can go down to his toes easily. He looks up surprised) Jor ‘What do you know. APPLEGATE With my help alot of things come easy, (Rise. He makes a sudden move, there is a flash of fire and he is smok- ing alighted cigarette) Do you smoke? Jor Hey, how'd you pull that off? AppLecaTe andy with fire, Jor. ‘Who are you? APPLEGATE. Tam quite a amous character, Mr. Boyd. I have historical significance too. In fact I'm responsible for most of the history you can name. Jor Listen, I don't know what the gag is. (SISTER and DORIS come in R. APPLEGATE X D. THEY are two ‘middle-aged friends of Meg who affect young mannerisms) Sisrae (X to Joe followed by DORIS) Talking to yourself. So you finally flipped your lid, What are you doing out here talking to yourself? In the dark? Jor (Looking at Applegate) Talking to who? SisteR It’s a sign of old age, you know, Joe, talking to yourself. Jon leis? Swsrer 1s anything the matter? Jon (Looks at Applegate. Then to sisters) Twas just thinking about the game. Doris (Laughs) ‘We went to the game yesterday — it was ladies" day, Siren And I must say the hot dogs out at the park aren't what they used to be. Thad the poorest hot dog yesterday I ever had, Dons Is Meg still up? Jon No — she went to bed a while ago. Dons ‘We'll see her at bridge club tomorrow. (Exit RY ‘We just came from our ballet lesson, (Exit R,) Jor. (X to Applegate) ‘They couldn't see you. APPLEGATE No they coulda't — an amusing little stunt — i dle Ages. Jor (Sits om lip of the porch) was all the rage in the Mid- 1 think the heat’s got me. You mean you really are? APPLEGATE Can't believe it, oh? Jor But that’s crazy, It can't be, Aprieoate ‘The world is full of crazy things. Crazier every das Jon Gosh. What are you doing here? APPLeoATE (X above him. Step t0 porch) Great events bring forth great men, Joe, take command. That's history. Joe ‘What are you talking about? ‘They arise from nowhere — they APPLEGATE Thave chosen you, the most dedicated (X10 R of him, foot on porch) partisan of the noble Washington Senators, to be the hero who leads them ‘out of the wildemess to the championship. (Front) ‘The Senators are in seventh place. APPLEGATE, Your powerful bludgeon and sparkling play will inspire the team to great- ness. We'll call you Hardy — Joe Hardy. You will be 22 years old. They'll put a new wing on that baseball muscum at Cooperstown, dedicated to you — the Hardy shrine, Jor (Rise) Well — well — what do you want me to do? ApPLEGATE, (Front) = Just leave everything to me. Joe : (Rise) My job — my wife. APPLEGATE, ‘This isa big operation. Can’t let things like that stand in the way. Jon {just disappear, is that it? APPLEGAT Very simple. Joe ‘And what happens after I stop being a baseball player? Then where would T be? APPLEGATE, (Laugh XL) Well now, of course, that’s fairly well known, Jor. Yes, but — ApPLEaATE (Turns) ‘After all there’s nothing unusual about it. How do you suppose some of these politicians around town got started — and parking lot owners. Joe ‘Still — IE what they say - APPLEGATE. Look, I've got something to trade here. I'm offering you a chance to be what you wanted to be all your life. Jor. In my business we have what you call an escape clause Appiecate (XL) ‘This is not a real estate deal. Jor. ICE don't like i, Tought to be able to get out. APPLEGATE (Turns back) Get out? Jor ve got my wife to consider. APPLEGATE (Turns) All right, all right, I don’t want to hear any more about your wife. Wives. ‘They cause men more trouble than the Methodist Church. (XR) T'm trying to be understanding, but all this haggling. All right, I'l give you chance to get out, Joe Well sure in that case — AppLecaTe On the 24th of September at midnight. I wouldn't do it, but I don't want to have those damn Yankees win, Jos ‘You can say thet again. APPLEGATE (THEY clasp hands) Its a deal. Joe (Surprised) tis. ‘Aveiuoare ‘And now the other hand, Joz (Shaking hands left-handedly) That's all? AppLecaTE Sure. What do you expect to do, sign your name in blood, or some phony stunt like that? (XR. JOE follows one step) Come on, The team needs you, Ie’s not waste any more time. Jon 1 want to leave a note for my wife... (Into living room) ‘And get my shoes and my glove. WOE exits upstairs) APPLEGATE (Follows invo living room, calls upstairs) O.K,, tell her you're going to Little America, to interest Eskimos in split evel houses. (Xs back onto porch) Jor (Comes downstairs with glove and spike shoes, puts them on the floor L. of table) T'm nearly ready. Ti call e taxi, Jor: (Rises) APPLEGATE, (APPLEGATE exits R. MUSIC. JOE picks up pad and pencil on table and sits in chair R. Sings while writing) (Think on last vamp) SONG: “GOODBYE OLD GIRIL.” (Sung by JOE) Goodbye, old girl, My old gi When you awaken I'll be gone, (Look down) Can't tell you where I go, Ieisn't fair, I know, (Front out) But trust in me and carry on. Goodbye old friend, (Front) My old friend, (Tilt head) ‘There’s somethin’ I must let you know. (Look down) haven't said it much, 1 guess I've lost my touch, (Look out) (Tilt R) But, my old girl, I love you 80, (Rise, XL) Now | know it hasnt all been rosy. (X to chair) We've had squabblin' days when tears were brought about, (Look R. Go R. to fireplace) But in a moment or two we would Bill and Coo ‘And never even knew (Look down, think) What we fought about, (Front) ‘And now yout Joe has to £0, But he'll come back to you again, (Look upstairs) (Back up 2 steps) So sleep your sleep, old girl (Look upstairs) (X to desk) ur love will Keep, old git, tll then, (Last note hack to audience) (X and sit at desk, The MUSIC rwells for a few bars. The spoilight dims down and out ax APPLEGATE enters R. Applegate Xs to door, laoks in, smiles and Xs DR, pulls another lighted cigarette out of the air, takes a puff and Xs up on porch to door. He makes magical pass in the direction of Joe Boyd, opens door to house and surveys his work for a second) Allright, cab’s waiting. APPLEGATE Jon (Rises. He has been changed 10 JOE HARDY. He senses something different) Hey. (He looks down at feet then to Applegate) Did you? (Pulls in pants which are much 100 large for him) Tean't believe it. (Takes batting stance and swings at imaginary ball) Wham. (Picks up shoes and glove. Sings:) ‘And though your Joe has to go He may come back to you again, So sleep your sleep old gir, ur love will keep ole git, till then, Goodbye old girl APPLEGATE Come on. {Goes out onto porch and exits R. JOE follows. Exits R,) "ox: My old gic Goodbye, Act I Scene 2 Corridor under the stands of the Washington’ Baseball Park. HENRY and SOHOVIK both in uniform are stand- ing stage R talking) Henry (Left of Sohovik) Do you have to sell insurance in the summer too? Souovix 1 don't have to but when I see a guy like you that’s not covered, I get worried. Henny (Center) I've been uncovered a long time. I don't worry. Sonovik Everybody should have an insuranee program. (SMOKEY enters R) Henry Next year, maybe, (X SOHOVIK to R) How's the crossword coming Smokey? SMoxEY Very difficult, (HENRY looks over Smokey's shoulder) Layviie, (Enter L. followed by LOWE, X R) ‘So Ferguson give me the signal to steal, it was a'pitch out and when I got to second, everybody was waiting for me except Ford Frick. 1 , Smoxey ing Hey, Sohovik, what's a three-letter work for a sticky substance? (SOHOVIK points in his mouth, where he is chewing gum) Spit? No, that’s four. Sonovix Gum, (LOWE, SOHOVIK and HENRY exit R. as VAN BUREN and ROCKY enter L. VAN BUREN Xs IC with ROCKY) Smokey Gum. VAN BUREN Look — Rocy — What sign is this? * (Goes through routine of complicated signals) Rocky Hit and run, sure. ‘Van BUREN Right. Now ypu're still at bat, (ROCKY takes stance. VAN RUREN signals again, XC) Rocky Ltake. Van BUREN ©:K. Now the count’s twe and one. vall (He signals) nds . Rocky J don't do nothin’, ; VAN BUREN How can you not do anything. If I wipe the take signal watch what follows. (He signals. ROCKY looks dumbfounded) ‘You go for it. get Rocky Oh, sure, ‘VAN BUREN Why couldn't you remember that last night, you could have cost us a big inning Rocky (xo) As not that I'm dumb, Benny. Van BUREN Nobody said anything about your being dumb, exactly. Rocky I's just that when we play the Yankees 1 kind of tense up. I kind of lore my head. | figure what the hell is the use. VAN BUREN Will you listen to this guy? SMoKEY (Xs C. one step) Benny, there is something different about ‘em. =B— Van Buren What do you mean? Van Boren Row, isten, all of you, that's what I'm talking about, Boys, 1 know you're Rocky, vou Smokey, you bang into fences until you drive’ me crazy, ana Rect, you played three games with a broken hand, But your meng; sand Sit the left field. Now listen to me: Baseball is only’one fait wine the other half is something olse, Something bigger. (He sings) SONG: “HEART” (Sung by VAN BUREN) Van Buren: (Front) You've gotta have heart (R fist) (Walk to Nat) Alll you really need is heart (Right hand on Nat's shoulder) ‘When the odds are sayin’ You'll never win. (Go L to Fim) ‘That's when the grin should start (To timy (Point R hand out) You've gotta have (AL X to Nat, L hand on shoulder) ‘Mostn't sit around and mope (Both hands tow) (Both arms out front) Nothin’s half as bad as it may appear (To tim) Waitll next year and hope. (Arm around Rocky) (2 steps SR) ‘When your luck is battin’ zero (Beer sign, R hand) Get your chin (R hand) Up off the floor (L point t0 Jim) Mister you can be a hero (im siraightens up) (Point R handy You've gotta have heart (From) Miles ‘n’ Miles ‘n’ Miles of heart (Opens arms wide) (Front) Oh, it’s fine to be a genius of course ‘But keep that ofe horse (R hand bumpy) Before the cart (R arm out to side) (R finger high) First you've gotta have heart (Tap heart) (WAN BUREN XL. ROCKY X to boys. VAMP. BOYS X 10 C) 4 Rocky: A great slugger we haven't got (To Nat) Smoxey: A great pitcher we haven't got (To AD Linvitte: A great ball club we haven't got (Down and to Nat) Rocxy, Smoxey, & Lixviiie! (To Van Buren) ‘What've we got? (Musie — on 4th beat front) AU: We've got heart (Back to pose) All you really need is heart ‘When the odds are sayin’ You'll never win, (Front) ‘That's when the grin should start (Look at Van Buren, smiling) VAN BUREN Now you're getting the idea. (R hand at boys) & LINVILLE: We've got hope ‘We don’t sit around and mope Not a solitary sob do we heave Mister, ‘Cause we've got hope. Van BUREN Boys I'm proud of you. Rocky: We're so happy that we're hummin’ Au HMM — HMM — HMM Van Buen: That's the hearty thing to do (R hand on “hearty” ‘Aut (2 by 2) HOO — HOO — HOO Smoxey: (Walk L, E foot) Cause we know our ship will come in AL (Stop) HMM — HMM — HMM {All heads 10 C) Rocky: (Walk L, L foot) So its ten years overdue Au: (Stop. Sag shoulders, heads 2 by 2) HOO —- HOO — HOO. (Form chain, go R) We've got heart Mites and Miles ‘n’ Miles o' Heart (L arms out) 6 Boys: VAN Buren: Soxey: Rocky: ALL: (Front) Oh, it’s fine to be 2 genius, of course (C, BOYS to each other) (Face out) But Keep that old horse before the cart, (ALL front) So what the heck’s the use of eryin’ (R arm out) {R arm outy Why should we curse? (AL look at Nat, curve up R arm) We've gotta get better ‘cause we can't get worse, (Lower arms, shrug shoulders) And to add to it, we've got heart, (GoL on chain) ‘We've got heart n We've got heart (L Boom — L arm down, 2 Boom R arm chest) (On applause — SMOKEY, LINVILLE & ROCKY start out, GLORIA enters L) ‘Van BUREN Wait a minute — tell it to her. (SMOKEY, LINVILLE & ROCKY come back and sing:) Rocky: Smoxgy: Au Van Buren: ALL: Livvitte: (Front, ROCKY STARTS) We've got heart Alll you really need is heart When the odds are sayin’ You'll never win ‘That's when the grin should start We're so happy that we're laughin’ (Heads 10 C) HAHAHA ‘That's the hearty thing to do (R hand) (2 by 2) HOO, HOO, HOO, (Walk L) ‘So we ain't been autographin’ (2 by 2) HAHAHA (Go L) Copt to sign an 1.0.U, (Crying) HOO HOO HOO . (Shoulders sag) (Chain go R) 5 ‘We've got heart CCR, R hands on L. shoulders, L arms out, R foot) Miles ‘n' Miles ‘n’ Miles of heart (Front) Oh, it’s fine to be a genius of course But keep that old horse before the cart —16— Fe ‘SMoxey: ‘Who minds those pop bottles flyin’ (R shoulder accent) Lavine: ‘The hisses and boos Van BUREN: (R hand) ‘The team has been consistent Rocky: Yeah, we always lose. (VAN BUREN reacts, AL R hand in protest) 3 Boys: But we're laughin’ cause . .. We've got heart (Stop, hand to heart) Grows Good morning. ‘VAN BUREN Okay boys. (THEY exeunt) Grows Well, I've often wondered what this team did to keep up its morale. (SMOKEY, ROCKY, MICKEY exit DR) ‘Van. BUREN (RO) ‘We didn't invite the press this morning, Gloria, Grows (X 10 LC) Benny, you're very foolish to have this prejudice against me just because Tm 2 woman. My paper gives you as much space as the others do. Van. BUREN Tonly wondered why you were here so early. Grown (XR. B.t0 DRC) T carne down to see naked men. Vane BUREN Could be. Guonta (Turn) My boss is very agxious to find out what some of your players think of the Yankees. Vane BunEN (X10 one step in) Til tell you something right now — my players don't play dead for the Yankees or any other club. (APPLEGATE enters 1. during the last part of this speech followed ‘by JOE in a new suit carrying his glove and spike shoes) Aprraate ‘Are you Mr. Van Buren, the Washington manager? Van. BUREN (Looks at Applegate, turns 10 Gloria) Why make something out of the Yankees? They're a swell bunch of fellas and Grows (© yes, they're very polite and then they beat your brains out, ‘Van BUREN ‘They're just another team as far as we're concerned, AvrLecarE, T read somewhere that they're talking about handicapping the Yankees — ‘making them carry extra weight like with horses. VAN BUREN (X 1 step in) Yeah? so what the hell's on your mind, Mac? APPLEGATE (X to Van Buren) Applegate is my name. (Produces card) My card, sir. ‘Van BUREN (Turns away) I'm busy, see my secretary. APPLEGATE, (X to him) Mr. Van Buren, I'm a long time fan of the Washington Senators, VAN Buren Listen Mac, I told you I'm busy. APPLEGATE ‘And for some time now I've been beating the bushes for talent (X 10 Joe) ‘This is my protege, young Joe Hardy. Joe's quite a boy with a bat in his hhands and I'd like you to give him a trial. Van Bune (XI step L) ‘Where have you been playing, son? Jor ‘Ob here and there. ‘Van BUREN Where's here and there? Jou (X Applegate 1C) If you just let me hit a few, Mr, Van Buren, ApPLucaTe ‘What have you got to lose? VAN BUREN (Calling off R) ‘Smokey, ‘ APPLEGATE He can hit the ball a country mile, SMOKEY (Enter carrying crossword book R) ‘You call me, Benny? 1 ‘Van’ BUREN (XR) [ want you to take this kid down to the locker room. Jor (X R to Van Buren) Gee, thanks Mr, Van Buren. And I certainly hope — Van BUREN (Chating him off) ‘Tell Buster to throw him a few. Smoxey ‘Sure thing. Come on, Mac. (SMOKEY and JOE exit R. APPLEGATE starts to go out with them, ‘but is stopped by VAN BUREN) VaN_ BUREN Hey, wait a minute. Where do you think you're going? APPLEGATE My protege may need my advice. VAN BUREN Buster will give him all the advice he needs. If you want to look, go out in the stands. The field is for ball players. (He points off L) You don't mind do you? APPLEGATE Love it, Mae, just love (XL — VAN BUREN exits R — APPLEGATE turns 0 GLORIA) Are you coming, my attractive friend? GLona Well, I'll look, but nothing will happen. (OC Applegate and exit L) APPLEGATE ‘Want to bet? (Exit L) BLACKOUT Act I Scene 3 In the dark there is the sound of a ball being hit by a bat ‘offstage L. CRACK. The DUGOUT in the Washington Baseball Park. CRACK. VAN BUREN and SEVERAL PLAYERS sit on the step of the dugout or stand leaning ‘against the rail. ALL are looking out C. They then took diagonally off left where the batiers’ box is. They chew fqum. There is another crack and all heads turn C, as they follow the imaginary ball in flight. Ajter the ball has Tanded they all resume chewing gum violently till the next ‘crack is heard, and the business is repeated once more. Van BUREN © T can't believe the kid is as good as all that. How could he be — where the hell would he have been keeping himself? Henry. Henry (At Van Buren's L. Rise) Yes — Benny, VAN BUREN Go out there and tell Buster to throw hard. Huyay He is throwing hard, can’t you hear him grunt? ‘Van Buren ‘Wall, go out there and tell him to bear down Henry Sure. (He trots off L) Rocky (Sitting L) Bauting practice is one thing — but how does he do in & game, ch? Souovme (XDI step and squat RC) He's got a nice swing. (CRACK. THEY ALL look tl the ball ares far away) ‘SMOKEY She's gone. (HENRY enters L) Soutovix Over the fence. Rocky It's just luck, Van Buren (XD) ‘This is costing the club money. (He calls off L) Hey, Kid. Yeah — you — come here, (XR I step) ‘Sotiovix Grit boy has a career ahead of him, and I bet he hasn't a dime’s worth of insurance, (OE enters L. VAN BUREN turns to him) Van Buren ‘What'd they say your name was? — Joe? Jor, ‘Yes, sir. Joe. Joe Hardy, Van Bure You hit the ball pretty good. Jon Thanks, Van Buren How's your fielding? Jor. 1 don't know, —2— Ne fat Say Hits Wha VaN BUREN ‘You don’t know? Jon Tmean my manager was supposed to be here — he — ah — (He turns and looks helplessly off L) APPLEGATE (Enters U.L. in stands) Did you want me Joe? Jor (Turns surprised) Yes, Mr. Applegate, I — they want me to field some. APPLEGATE. (Now directly above Dugout Center in stands) ‘Well, go ahead boy, you can do anything — you know that. VAN BUREN What position do you play? Jor (Step DS.) Td like to be short-stop. ‘VAN. BUREN ‘Okay, get out there, (JOE exits L.) APPLEGATE How you like my boy, Mr. Van Buren? Van BUREN Not bad. (XR) APPLEGATE Not bad. Did he kiss that horse-hide right out of the park — did he get the fat end of the bat on that pill? Bye-bye baby. How about that, Rocky Who's up there? Mel Allen? (CRACK of bat) AppLuGATE (Yelling out t0 Joe) Dig, boy, dig. ‘Vane BUREN : Say — he’s got an arm. 4 APPLEGATE i Got an arm — he's got an arm like a cannon, Van Bune Hit a couple of Texas leaguers."Let’s see how he moves back under ‘em. (CRACK of bai) (During this GLORIA has entered in the grandstand and now sits a ‘seat away from Applegate) Guo ‘What's the story on this kid? 1 APPLEGATE You saw where he was hitting ‘em, didn't you? Over the garden wal (CRACK of bat) Attaboy, Joe, rifle it home, boy, rifle it home, Gora Where'd he come from? ApeLeosre His name is Joe Hardy. ‘Van Buren’ (X toc) OK, Joe, come on in, (XR) Gtona Who's he been playing for? Appuraares He weighs 193 pounds, chews Juiey Fruit. Gora You're a big help. (OE enters L. XC. GLORIA X down to box) VAN BUREN Never played anything but sandlot hall, huh? Whereabouts? (HENRY helps GLORIA down onto the field from the stands) APPLEGATE, Out West Joe ‘The mid-West. Oh. Hannibal. Hannibal, Missouri. Grona (X to L of Joe) Is that your home town? Jor Yeah — yeah, that’s it. Boy, does it get hot ... (GLORIA down) there sometimes. We just sit around and wait for the cold air fo come down from Canada. VAN BUREN ‘You do all right, Jor ‘Thanks. Van BUREN 1 think we might give you a contract, send you to one of our farm clubs for a little seasoning. (GLORIA takes nowbook.out and is about to write) APPLEGATE (Rise) Seasoning? That's ridiculous. ‘VAN BUREN How about it, Kid? No sir, I don’t think so. (GLORIA looks up) VAN BUREN What do you mean? Jos Thaven't got time. ‘Van BUREN Time? APPLEGATE, Rasebail’s in a rut. If Ty Cobb came here looking for a chance you'd send hhim to Little Rock for three years, (X up stairs and L) All right, Joe, come on we'll go where we'll be appreciated, Jor Gee, Mr. Van Buren, give me oue more chance, will you? I love the Senators. Goma So do I and there's only a few of us left Van BUREN Get your bat. (JOE runs off L. VAN BUREN calls off to the pitcher) BUSTER. (He gestures — "Give him your toughest.” ALL watch intently, There is a loud CRACK. ALL THE PLAYERS jump up and come down stage) Arrizoate More seasoning, eh? The ball’s only going for & 600-foot ride. Van Bonus (x) That's the longest ball I ever saw in my life Roce (Gulps) I swallowed my chewin’ tobacco. Van BUREN [just can’t believe it~ where could he have been all these years? (OE enters L) O.K. You win, Get a uniform, Jor ‘You mean it? Van Buren Yes, I mean it, Jor. Yow. [ made it (VAN BUREN and the OTHERS smile at his enthusiasm, JOE rushes UL (0 APPLEGATE who is still in the stands, but has come down Stage left in the box seat section) You were right. Oh, man oh man. Mr. Applegate, how can I ever thank you? (WOE grabs APPLEGATE’s hand) Be APPLEGATE, Tl find some way. Jon Ob, baby, this is wonderful, (He runs RC, grabs SMOKEY around the waist, jumps up and down. Then X further R and sits down) Listen, you guys, don’t think I'm crazy, or going off my chump or some- thing. But you got no idea what this means, (APPLEGATE climbs down from stands to 5 level) Sonovix Feels good, eh, Joe? Jou All my life I dreamed — oh gee. (He starts to untie his shoes) ‘VAN BUREN (XR and pats JOE’s shoulder) ust take it easy, kid. Jor Twill, Twit, (He is stilt fumbling with shoe laces) VAN BUREN I don’t want you to get so excited you'll tense up on us. Jor. I must have tied the wrong knot, Souovik Let me wait on you boy, I got a hunch you're going to bring us luck. (SOHOVIK kneels down and begins to unite Joe's R shoe) Rocky Me too. (Starts loosening other shoe) Jor (Protesting) Rocky Sit sti Girona, (X 10 R of Van Buren) Well, I'm glad I came by this morning, ApPLeaarE, (Out of stands. X UL) ‘Something happened after all, eh? Gori Give me the real story on this, will you? APPLEGATE He's a natural talent — that’s all. (XR) Giomn ‘Oh don't be coy — Jor ‘Thanks very much for the loan of your shoes. (Gives shoes to LINVILLE) Linvae, You did right by them, Joe. (VAN BUREN X D) Grom ‘What was the matter with your own shoes? I saw you bringing in a p: Jor. ‘Those were too small for me. Guonia Your own shoes? Jor. (Rise) Yeah. 1 guess my feet had swollen. Maybe it was the excitement or the heat or something, ‘Van BUREN (XR) Come on Joe, I'l take you up to the office. Ill have you meet Mr. Welch, Jor (Follows VAN BUREN and is jollowed by APPLEGATE) ‘Oh great. Shouldn't I put on my shoes? (THEY exit R) Gon (Writing in notebook) I've got it. Shocless Joe Hardy, Smoxey That's what you're going to call him? Girona ‘That's what everybody is going to call him, I'l give this club some publicity. Sonovix Shoeless Joe, huh. Pretty good. Girona TI help you celebrate, boys. Linvitte, Whats the gag? Grow Let's make Joe famous, Smoxey Sure — I'm willing. Rocky O.K,, how do we make him famous? (here is a figure in the orchestra, then GLORIA SINGS:) ‘SONG: "SHOELESS JOE FROM HANNIBAL MO.” (Sung by GLORIA and players) Gon: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo. (The musical figure is repeated) Boys: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo. 25 Souovm (On vamp) A little hoe down in honor of our new star. (He dances two bars) : ‘Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo. A Puayer ‘What'd she say his name was? Au: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo, Swoxey ‘She's gonna call him Shoeless Joe. Gee, Miss Thorpe, you sure get some ‘wonderful ideas, Grows Oh, I got lots of ideas. (Sings) Grows: Who came along in putt «* smoke? (Shoot both hands open on “puff”) AL: ‘Shoeless Joc from Hannibal Mo, Gorn: (Strong man arms, 3 steps L) ‘Strong as the heart of the mighty oak ALL: ‘Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo, (Point R with R) Lucky are we to be having him (Allon her shoulder, R fist) Gro: ‘Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo, (Clap and stamp) ust when the future was lookin’ grim (arm out) Gonna: ‘Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo, (Clap and stamp) ALL: (Came a long long way to be (Hands on chest) ‘With us today Grom: (Both arms out, 3 steps R) With arms of steei like Hercules Boys: YEOW. Gionia: (3 steps L) Feet as fleet as Mercury's Yeah. He'll fight (L fist) For us, do right for us (Point L hand L) Au: (R point high) Helll be a beacon light for us ‘He's shocless Joe from Hannibal Mo Go, go: g0, g0, go, (Back and forth) 26 — Gtonma: Au: Gorm: Music: Gora: AU: Guomia: ALL: Bovs: Go like a bat out of you know where, (Still $ Front) Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo. (Back and forth) Strike at the foe, let em know you're there, (GLORIA stil front) Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo (GLORIA dances with a player, yell hillbilly style) Shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo. ‘Shocless Joe from Hannibal Mo. Came upon the scene As fresh as Listerine (Both arms open, hold) He sneezed and blew away a calf (2 steps L, one player jumps into the arms of two others — GLORIA goes C) His laughter ripped a barn in half (X gesture, both arms, 3 players fall flat) Go, 20, g0, 20, go (L, shake hand) {Open L hand — throw front, low pile) Like manna from the heavens come, (GLORIA back and forth) It's shoeless Joe from Hannibal Mo Go 0 g0 g0 go 0 £0 £0 Go like a bat out of you know where, Sboeless Joe from M. 0. Strike at the foe (L. fist) Let ’em know you're there, Shoeless Joe from M. 0. Look out, look out, look out, Jook out for shoeless Joe (Point out front) ‘The barefoot boy From Hannibal Mo. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe (THEY GO INTO DANCE, at the end of which we BLACKOUT) Act I Scene 4 A BILLBOARD near the ball park. A teenage GIRL is right, TWO OTHERS are left. They all carry autograph dooks. Ist Grew, Joe Hardy is going to be interviewed by the press. —7— 2np Gat (Looking off R) Here's one of the players. (TEENAGERS run off R, followed by SISTER and DORIS who enter Land XR) Doxs (Stops R, realizing that SISTER has stopped C} Aren't you coming? (¥ 2 steps C) SisTER (X 1 step R) No, I don't want im. I thought it was Joe Hardy Donis You'll never get Joe Hardy, they don't fet you near him. Look out, here ‘comes Mr. Welch, Sister Who? Doris Weleh, the gentleman who owns the club. (WELCH enters L followed by LYNCH, @ newspaper reporter, and HEARN his mate sectetary) Lyxent Our readers are really burning to get some mote dope on him. Wetec XR) Of course they are, and we want to cooperate, in every way. That's why T asked you here. But you know sometimes I don't understand you boys, (By this time THEY are Center stage) Sister (XD to R of Wetch) May I have your autograph, please? (WELCH looks nonplussed, SISTER smiles) Its for my niece — she's sick — muscular diathermy. (WELCH signs absentmindedly, while continuing his speech) Ween Alter all these lean years we bring you a truly great ballplayer. A man for you all to be proud of and right away this Gloria Thorpe starts sniping him (THEY start R again) Lyne You know Gloria, Mr. Welch, the eager type, she's just curious. Weicr It doesn't help, Lynew As a matter of fact, I'm curious myself. How about those shoes? How come he couldn't get into his own shoes? Weck A pair of spike shoes — they all look alike. He just picked up the wrong shoes, that's all. What's the mystery there? Good grief, this boy tas gone from pinch hitter to idol of the nation in one month, He's making the whole team come to life . (They exit R— the rest of the speech is heard from Off S) And then you fellows want to make trouble . 2 Sisrex (She and DORIS X R) ‘And Tl get Joe Hardy's too. Ist Gin, (Seeing APPLEGATE who enters L with Press Card in hat band) Here comes somebody. (APPLEGATE proceeds briskly R) Sister He's nobody. Ist Giat ‘Are you anybody? Arpnecare Not a soul, BLACKOUT Act I Scene 5 WELCH'S OFFICE, Backroom with baseball, pictures, trophy, ele. JOE enters R. followed by VAN BUREN. JOE is in ‘angry mood. VAN. BUREN (XC as JOE X R to L of desk and sits) ‘Now Joe. You mustn't be temperamenual, Jor 'm not. Only the questions that Gloria Thorpe dame asks are none of her business. (APPLEGATE enters) ‘Van BUREN A good press means a lot to the front office, Joe. Come on, boy. Play ball with them a litte, will you? Jor. (Sits in chair L of desk) They're @ bunch of crooks. You tell them one thing and they write down whatever comes to their heads. ‘Van: BUREN (To Applegate, X L) Look, you talk fo him. I'l go in and say he's off his feed, (VAN BUREN exits L) Apuecae, (Sitting L on couch) Joe, you're getting to be a regular prima donna. Jor. (XL to Applegate) Why do they have to keep after me? Why can't I just play baseball, instead of sitting around answering a lot of questions? Making up things about my past, AprueaaTe ‘It's allright. If you get in a jam you can always turn to me, Jon I don't want to get in a jam, APPLEGATE, ‘Also, it seems as though you sometimes forget who made you what you are today, Jor 1'm batting 480, APPLEoATE ‘As a baseball player you are a triumph. As a man who goes through with 1 bargain you leave something to be desired, JOE looks inquiringly at Applegate) [followed you last night. WOE X slowly C.) Jor (xR) ArpLacaTE, ‘And I followed you the night before Jou (Lurning) ‘Oh... Don’t you just know where I am without all that effort? APPLEGATE Noy Joe, 1 have to do most things ‘the hard way. The only thing that’s absolutely effortless is the cigarette trick. (Rise, grabbing lighted cigarette out of the air. X DS) ‘And now I'm trying to break myself of the filthy habit. (Coughs a litle) Jou (x De) ‘Well is there any objections to my walking around where I used to Apriegate (X to him) ‘Yes, You know how I feel about home and wives. Jou ‘That's why I didn’t tell you I was going back. I love baseball, Mr, Applegate, but I'm homesick. APPLEoATE 1'm planning some diversion for you. I have sent for a very attractive girl ‘from Chicago. Jor (During Applegate's ast speech JOE X 2 steps R, now stops) I don't like people from Chicago. (X to Applegate) F sold a house to couple from Chicago once who APPLEGATE Ob, nuts with that, Joe. I'm offering you a chance to know one of the ‘most fascinating women ever known in the history of the world, te, viel he No thank you. (xR) APPLEGATE, (XR 10 Joe) Well don't go back to Magnolia Street, Do you understand? I forbid it. Jor ‘You don't own me yet — not until after midnight on the 24th. AppLBoATE And then? Joe Is it so terrible just to want to go home? APPLEGATE, I's gauche. (He X U Land turns) You're too big for that kind of sentimental nonsense, Now you just think things over. (He exits L) Jou (Calling after him) Tam thinking things over. (X back to desk — and to himself) Ym thinking about a lot of things. (MUSIC) SONG: “ A MAN DOESN'T KNOW" (Sung by JOE) Jor: ‘Arman doesn't know what he has until he loses it, (Sit on desk, lean on both hands) When a man has the love of a woman he abuses I didn't know what I had when [had my old love, didn't know what I had till I said “Goodbye, Old Love!” (Front. Byes slightly down front) Yes, a man doesn't know what he has tll it is no Tonger around (Look out. Rise. X to C) But the happy thought is, ‘Whatever itis he's lost, may some day once again be foundt Van BUREN (Entering L) Joo — Mr. Welch wants to speak to you. (OE X C1 step) Weert (Who has entered behind Van Buren and now X Van Buren to Joe) Joe. Jor. Yes, Mr. Welch, Wetcr Joe, Miss Thorpe hadn't quite finished talking to you, You don't mind, do you, lad? Jor. Tl do whatever you say, Mr. Welch. (MUSIC OUT) VaN BUREN (Calling off L) Come in. (REPORTERS enter, plus LYNCH, GLORIA and of course APPLE- GATE) Wenc (X behind desk) Joe's feeling better now if you've got any other questions — (He sits) Grows (x Dey It isn’t that I've got more questions, Mr. Welch — but I don't think I ‘caught the answer to the one I asked. . Jos Which one? Growin ‘Your family. Joz ‘They've all passed away. I haven't any family. Nobody. Goma ‘What about friends? Were Well, he’s got one friend 1 know of. Put me down, little gia Gtonta ‘Wat about your friends back in Hannibal? Heard from any of them? Arrtzosre (Has been UC behind reporters, now X DC between Joe and Gloria) Af you will permit me to say @ word. T happen to represent the Hannibal Bugle and I'm telling you right now that everybody in our little old town is just as proud as pumpkins of little old Joe. (JOE sits on UL corner of desk on laugh) Grorsa ‘Well, thank little old you. And thank: little ol” Joe. (APPLEGATE gestures as if to say “It's nothing,” and X DR) Wercr (Gumping up) Quit picking on the boy, will you? He hasn't got anything more to tell you, If you want to ask questions, ask me. (xD) Lyxent ‘OK. Do you think Washington is going to win the pennant (THE REPORTERS ad ib at this absurdity) Groma When I swim the channel. RYAN Don't be so funny, 2 Rs Te No hea thin Plea But who you: ofS Tha That Welt Now How Jor (Rises) What's so funny? What's so damn funny about Washington winning the pennant? VAN BUREN Now Joe. Jon Who's winning more games than we are? Lyxcu Well, Joe, I —— Jor -Adon't know why it’s such a funny idea that we should cop the pennant. Al we have to do is win games. WeLcH Hear, Hear. Jon (xu 1 guess I talked too much. Weicn (x RO) No you didn't, These newspaper people don’t know what it is to have your heart in a ball club, O.K. we're not even in the first division, But strange things happen in baseball. We're playing like a new team, We'te climbing = we're moving up. So you think what you please and T' think what I please, (10 Foe) But don't blame me for hoping and don't blame me for loving this boy ‘who's made it possible for me to hope. Now you can go out and put it in your papers that I say that welll have the pennant sewed up by the 25th ‘of September. (Puts hand on Joe's shoulder) “That's what we think isnt it, Joe? Jon ‘The 25th. The season ends on the 25th? Wetec ‘That's right, boy — Jon ‘We'll have it sewed up by the 24th, Were, Now there's a statement for you. (He X to Reporters L) APPLEGATE (X 10 Toe) How sneaky can a fellow get! BLACKOUT —3— Act I Scene 6 BILLBOARD SCENE LOLA discovered sitting on bench. APPLEGATE enters R. ‘ApPLEGATE, Lola. Lota Hi ya, Chief. ‘AppLeoaTs ‘Welcome to the nation’s capitol. Lowa ‘Thank you, Chief. i AprLEaaTs, ( and sit L of her) Have a good trip? Lota Perfect. The plane crashed in Cleveland. APPLEGATE Good, good. Now how about that job in Chicago? Lota Cleared the whole thing up before I left. I got the old boy to embezzie $100,000.00 and lost it for him at the race track. Then his wife left him and he took to drink. T told him T was through and he jumped out of the window. Twenty-second story AppLecaTa, ‘That's high enough. That's fine. Lota ‘Want me to try the Empire State on the next one? APPLEGATE No, no Lola, This is a straight seduction job. New boy I just got hold of. (Rises, 3 R) Look Lola, I've done a terrible foolish thing — I'm really ashamed to con- fess it, Let this real estate genius talk me into an escape clause. Lous T never heard of it ‘APPLEGATE again. I've got too much on my mind. It slipped by You'll never hear o me, I'm overworked. Lowa know, poor dear, election's coming up. APPLEGATE. ‘So when I made this Joe Hardy deal Joe Hardy? ‘That's his name. Gee, th Who's ‘You Look, years illusior on cl apople a Just lit e But, th a He wi right t Well « their treatm a fellow ers Re nbezzle aft him of the dof. to con Lows Gee, they say he's great. Clarence just raved about him, APPLEGATE ‘Who's Clarence? Lota You know — — (She makes diving gesture) APPLEGATE Look, Lola, here's the tie-up. This is a mass torture deal like the thirty- years war. I've got thousands of Washington fans drooling under the illusion that the Senators are going to win the Pennant. Lota Oh Chief, that's awfully good. There'll be suicides, heart attacks and apoplexy. (Looks up) ust like the good old days ArrLEcaTE, (X Lola to L) But, the key to the whole thing is this fellow. (Points to sign) He wants to go back to his wife, For all I know he's sneaking out there sight this minute, «LD Lous ‘Well don't worry, Chief, you know I'm pretty good at making men forget, their wives. This is @ routine case. I'll give him the standard vampire treatment, (Rolls shoulder) AprLecaT, ‘There isn't» home-wrecker on my staff better than you, Lola. But this fellows stubborn (XL) Lowa (Follows him two steps) ‘Oh, c'mon Chief, You know I've got what it takes. (music) Don't make me brag. SONG: “A LITTLE BRAINS — A LITTLE TALENT” (Sung by LOLA) Lowa: (R hand on R shoulder, L on hip) ‘took the zing out of the King of Siam! 1 took the starch out of the sails Of the Prince of Wales, t's no great art, gettin’ the heart of a man On a silver platter (Both hands on hips) fog e “A LITTLE BRAINS—A LITTLE TALENT” (contd.) A little brains — a litle talent With an emphasis on the Tatter! (3 sieps) I made mince-meat out of a sweet young farmer! (R hand out} Tiknocked the fight out of a knight When I pierced his armour (Shake, arms out, clench fists — pivot L) And I'l bet, Ian upset every male Ina Yale Regattal (Both arms out) A little brains — a little talent With an emphasis on the latta! (101) You gotta know just what to say and how to say it ‘You gotta know what game to play and how to play it ‘You gotta stack those decks with a couple-a extra aces (Hanky across chest in both hands) ‘And this queen has her aces Tn all the right places! (Pull hanky down across body. X to R) I've done much more than that old bore, Delilah! took the curl out of the hair of a millionaire (Hanky across behind) ‘There's no trick gettin’ some hick who is cool Justa little warmer ‘Alte talent — A litle brains (Taps head) With an emphasis on the former! (MUSIC — dance R & US to bench, put hanky on bench) Split up a home, way up in Nome Alaska! ‘And wrecked the life of every wife Down in Madagascar {R hand on shoulder — then out) ‘Ask me why weak meo'll die for me Strong men simply shatter ‘Alitte brains —a little talent With an emphasis on the latter! (X10 R) ‘You gotta know just what to do and how to do it You gotta know what tea to brew and how to brew it ‘You've scen the sign that says George Washington once slept here, Well though nobody spied him Guess who was beside him? (3 steps R) Bring on that boy, he'l be a toy to Lola Tust one more case she can erase with that old Boffola ‘What's my plan, same as with any man Tiluse the standard patter Plus alittle this-a — and a little that-a ‘With an emphasis on the — on the latter! (Exit L) 316 — Act I Scune 7 MEG'S HOUSE JOE appears on porch. MEG comes in center door and goes to chair by television set where there is @ paper bundle... JOE watches her. SISTER appears in center door. ‘Sister Did you find them? (OE ducks back against the wall. MEG takes a carton of eggs out of the bundle and passes it to SISTER. DORIS appears in center door) Dons T need those eggs, ‘SisreR Here. (Passes them to her) Dos Get Meg to come with ws, (She goes out center) Sistan Yes, Megsie, after we finish the baking how about going on the town with us? Meo No thanks, (MEG shakes head and continues to work) Sistex ‘Megaie, you might as well face it, Joe is never coming back, Mec like to pretend he is, Sister Well, you got to go on living, Meo Lam living. Sisren ‘You know, livingife to the full. Now come with us. (Rio door) Rete going down to the station to see Gregory Peck come in on the train from Califor (SISTER exits center. MEG straightens the papers and goes 1o tele vision. JOE knocks on door) Meo Come in, (OE enters Re stands just ins door looking at her. MEG contfmes ‘checking list then turns and sees that itis a stranger) Oh. Ob, I'm sorry — I thought you were the deliveries, Jor No, I came about — that is — someone told me you had a Toom you ‘might be willing to rent. (Smiles at her) Me. Rent a room. Jos (Steps in) ‘That's what they said — some fellow down at the comer. I'm looking for a nice quiet place, Meo ‘My goodness. I never even thought of renting a room, Jon I wouldn't be any trouble — I can promise you that, Mra (XR2 steps) ‘Well, 'm sure you wouldn't. But you see Mister — Mister — Jon Joe Hardy. Meo (Steps in) ‘My husband's name is Joe. Joz Js that s0? That's quite a coincidence. Meo He's away. Jor (Looks down) ‘Ob. That's too bad, Maza Yes, Jou For long? Mea ‘Not too long —1 hope. He had to go.on a trip. Jor | guess that’s why this fellow thought you might have an extra room, Meo ‘wonder who that could be. Sister (Offstage) Meg. Mero Oh dear —- excuse me. We're cooking for the Bridge Club — a friend of mine and her sister, from my home town, Just make yourself at home. (MEG picks up bundle of groceries from chair, exits U.C. JOE looks over ‘room, crosses to chair in front of television and sits, sings “BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU AGAIN". MEG enters UC) T'm sorry to have taken so long — (JOE jumps up) My friends think it will be good for me to take in a boarder. 38 Jor Td certainly appreciate it. Meo They are coming right in to meet you as soon as they fix their hair, I have 4 room that was my husband's den that we use as a guest room, It has « nice studio couch. Would you like to see it? Jor (X step in 10 Meg) Oh, I know it’s all right, Mra Better take a look at it. Ob, I'd have to ask you not to use the downstairs ‘when I have bridge club. That's every three days. Jor Oh, that wouldn't bother me. Yd be away quite a bit, anyhow. I go away for lke two or three weeks at a time Mra Ob, I see. Jor (X to other side of chair) You have to live in hotels when you're out on the road and you get kind of Jonesome just to be in somebody's house. That's why I thought -- . you see I was just walking around the neighborhood wishing I could live out this way. (Music) Meo 1 guess I see through you, You just miss somebody that you've left behind Isthat it? Jor Yes, Ido. (Turns away) I miss somebody something awful. Mea (XR a few steps) Well, I know how that is, SONG: “A MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAS” OE, singing) Jor: ‘A man doesn’t know what he has uatl he loses it, (To her) ‘When a man has the love of a woman be abuses it, (Front) 1 didn’t know what I had when Thad my old love, (X UL and turns away) 1 didn’t know what Ihad till 1 said, “Goodbye Old Love.” (Looks at her) ‘Yes, a man doesn’t know what he has till itis no longer around, (Fron) But the happy thought is (To her) Whatever itis he's lost, may some day once again be found. (Front) Mra: (X chair R and sits) Tknow what you mean Joe, (To him) Only too well (Away from him) For 1 am fonely just like you. Lonely for my Joe, my siweet Joe ‘How really sweet I never knew I really never knew (Rise, X DR to front edge of door) ‘A woman doesn't know what she has until she loses it, ‘When @ woman has the love of a man she abuses if. (Slowly X L to chair L) 1 didn't know what I had when I had my old love. Jor: didn't know what I bad ‘til I said “Goodbye old love.” (Turns, sings to her back) Yes, a man doesn't know what he has til itis no longer around, » Bora: But the happy thought is ‘Whatever itis he/she's lost, may some day once again be found. (THEY X R and exit upstairs) SistER Huh — not here, Dons (Seeing MEG coming down stairs) ‘Oh, where is he? Meo ‘He's upstairs. He's going to take it, He's clearing out a couple of drawers. Siren (THEY ALL X DC) Don't you want us to look him over first? T thought you said. .. ‘Meo petgow 1 did — but you can just tell, he's such a nice boy. Look out, here he is, (MEG X L of chairs and UC, DORIS D.R., SISTER D.L. JOE re- enters down stairs) 1 want you to meet my friends, This is Mr. Harper, Sister Miller — Sisren Hello there. 7 Msc — And Doris Miller. Donis w How do you do, Sister Isn't it a gorgeous day? a Dons (Suddenly. Xing L. To Sister) w Sister. (Whispering) What? Dots ‘Come here, (THEY draw to one side, whispering and looking at Joe) Jor (XL to Meg C) Look, Mrs. Boyd, here’s a mighty funny thing. When I was clearing out that top drawer I found an envelope addressed to you. Meo You did? Well, that’s strange. I thought T had looked everywhere after — Well now what do you know about that. (OE X DR, MEG opens envelope) My gosh — look — money. Well say, you certainly have brought me luck. Look at this, kids. 1 guess Joe left that there and — SisTER (Suddenly, X R to Joe) You're Joe Hardy, aren't you? Jor (Nods) 1 guess I am. SisTeR It's Joe Hardy, Meg. Not Mr. Harper. It's Joe Hardy. He’s the greatest baseball player — oh, my goodness, I'm flabbergasted, Oh, gee, Joe Hardy. May I have your autograph? Doris ‘You don't know what's happened to you Meg, he's a hero, Sister We saw the game and that home run you made in the seventh, was that an inside pitch? Was he trying to loosen you up? (APPLEGATE enters R and Xs to door) ‘Oh, yes, and that wonderful double play in the third, Did you hurt your hand? (APPLEGATE knocks) Mec (Xs R and opens screen door) ‘Yes — good morning, APPLEGATE: (Flashes identification case) Ym from City Hall. (Baffled) Where? APPLEGATE (Flashes case again) City Hall, Just serving official notice in the neighborhood. Mec What kind of notice? AL ee eee eee ene eee eee eee APPLEGATE, New zoning law. No one is permitted to take roomers in this neighborhood, (JOE talking 10 girls hears his voice, turns and comes slowly toward door) Meo But they do — people do. APPLEGATE Effective as of today. Jor What's this? Mec Why — this man, Jor (Turns, X DR 2 steps Applegate) ! It's all right, Meg, I mean Mrs. Boyd. I know this man — just let me talk to him, (He comes out on the porch) 1M be right in, (MEG enters and X to girls, THEY move UR to desk) ‘SisreR What is it? Jor Really, Mr. Applegate, you're carrying things too far. APPLEGATE, Joe, she's here. I have told her all about you. (OE X D — APPLEGATE follows) ‘She's interestod, know what mean? A real sexy baby, Jos If you keep hounding me this way, I'm not going to be able to play worth adamn. APPLEGATE, Do you think I like it? Wasting my time, not to mention the money spent ‘on costumes. (He polishes hat) Jor ‘Mr. Applegate, can't you understanding how I feel? AppLeaate, No. Jon ‘was married when I was only twenty. No matter what went wrong with my life or my business there was someone I could trust and a place to come to where I'd feel protected — this home — and I can't get over it all at once. ‘ArrLeoaTe, Joe, you're not trying. | Jon | ‘And if you want to know I've rented a room here. a2 | sii But I told you. (Kicks chair) Oh, my hoof. (Exits right) Jor. (Enters living room) He's gone. Mec What did he say? Jon ‘Oh, he's just practical joker. Meo Oh, I'm not much of a judge of character. That's what my husband always said, Stsren (XD 10 Joe with baseball pictures) We're going to fix your room up with a lot of Joe's old baseball pictures, Mr. Hardy, Meo ‘My husband’s a great fan — you know. ‘SisTeR Oh, « fanatic, Every night in front of the television set you would see that big fat slob sitting there. Act I Scene 8 LOCKER ROOM CORRIDOR. Bouter (Enter L. X R) Haven't had such a good time in years. Lowe Neither have I. Bayan Lost it in the sun, he said. Smokey ‘They're just another ball team, that’s all, Mickey ‘We wut in there today. Smoxey Just like Benny told us, Rocky Well, I hope them so-called bombers enjoyed theirselves as much as I did tonight. Henry Hey, you looked pretty near like a ball player today, —a3— Rocky Three for five, kid, three for five. : (WELCH enters with VAN BUREN, D.L. WELCH U.S. of Van Buren) Were A ot of Joe's fan clubs want to do things that night. I asked Joe if he Wanted this party. He said no, he only wanted to be in the Hall of Fame, (WELCH stops) Van Buren He was kidding, Waren, T don't think so. (XR) ‘VAN Buren A party for Joe is a good idea, but about a month from now, At the end of the season, q + “(THEY exit R. APPLEGATE enters R, stops C and turns R GLORIA enters L) Gtorn ‘Well. [hear we finally got Joe on television, APPLEGATE Does that surprise you? Guonta penis, wondering if you could tell me why he has been refusing to appear before this. APPLEGATE My dear girl, he's shy, Gorin Mr. Applegate, I'd like to ask you just one more question. When Joe was back in Hannibal, did he have the same name? Apptscate Yes, Hardy. You spell it with an H. (Laughs) ‘ Gora : What's so funy? Appizoare Something came to mind. It isn't important Gronta : (XR) He played a nice game tonight. AveLecare s His batting average went up four more points. Now it’s 524, not bad for a raw rooky. 1 Gtonn (Starts R and turns) ‘Yes, very raw! (Exits R) B APPLEGATE ‘Lovely gil. I know she makes some nice young man very unhappy. 4 ee RRecceoaen Act I ScENE 9 LOCKER ROOM BOYS ave all dressing exuberantly, Rocky (Pating on shee) “Three for five kid, three for five SMoxey (Enters DR with towel around him) Hey, Rocky, that dumb blonde tomato from the drugstore is out there waiting for you, Rocky ‘Tell her to keep on chewing her gurn tll I get there. Swoxey She asked was I the reception committe, (X Rand exit) Sonovix (Calling after Smokey) ‘You're sure dressed for the part. Rocky Did you sce Dawson throw down his glove when I hit that 3 and 2 pitch? Henry {swing at the ball, and the next thing I know I'm riding into third Rocky Senators 9, well-known Yankees 2. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to memorize that. Van Buren (Enter, UR. and X to locker UC.) Twas ‘ust talking to Mr, Welch, he's pretty pleased, (BOYS ad lib) Get some sleep, boys. Tomorrow we'll pin their cars back in a bow knot for them, (Exits DL) Rocky ‘Three for five. SMOKEY (Enter R, has sport shirt and shorts on) Say, Rocky, the blond is tired of gum. She says she wants something to eat Sonovix I see you're receiving formal now. (SMOKEY takes shirt tail in hand and minces out R, JOE enters UL) Dew. How’d she go Joe? Jor Fine. —4s— nh ER Sonovix (Tucking shirt in trousers) ‘Yeah, What'd you tell the great invisible audience? JoE told them we were lifting our mortgage on the second ‘an option on first place. Rocky ‘You sound like one of them white collar workers. Jor (Oh, Tused to sell alittle real estate. Just a side tine. (XR 10 end locker) SouoviK, Every ball player should have a side APPLEGATE (Enters UR) Good evening, gentlemen. Great game, Joe, proud of you my boy. Boys » Good night, Joe. So long Joe, (ete,) Jos Night, fellows. APPLEGATE Well, Joe, we showed those Yankees, didn't we? (VERNON and TWO OTHERS enter UL, X R, exit UR) Jou AE we could just take the double-header tomorrow, wouldn't that be great? APPLEGATE, ‘You will, you will, I feel it in my bones. Joe, did you notice that charming young lady sitting in the box with me? Jor (X to locker) Yeoh, I saw her: ‘AprieoaTe ‘Wants to meet you. I bring her in Jos Well, wait 1 get my pants on. (He starts put on pants) Arriecare, ‘That's my boy. Jor Sey, you know I got sort of a date... out home, I mean. I know you don't Hike it. APPLEGATE ‘oe, I do like it. I've changed my mind, I want you to be happy. Jor Thanks, APPLEGATE But this gir is a sweet kid and she wants to meet you so . stag att Jor Sure, Sure. APPLEGATE (Calling off R.) Lola, (To Joe) ‘She talked about you all through the game. Ah, here we are. (LOLA slithers in around R locker) Joe, I want you to meet my friend Lola. Jor How do you do? APPLEGATE, This is Joe Hardy. Lota Thave seen him from a distance. APPLEGATE, And admired him. Lota (X to L of Joe) You should not tell what I admire, ApPLEcATE Joe, this is Senorita Lolita Banana. You may have see her picture in the Papers. She was Miss West Indies of 1957. Jor Well, i's certainly a pleasure to meet you. Lota ‘Thank you, APPLEGATE, Joe, keep Lola company for a second — I got to get a hot dog, (He turns, X UL and exits) Jor (Looks after hien as if to call him back, and then remembers Lola) Gee, where's my manners? Won't you sit down, Lous You are so polite. (XC looking at room) ‘This is where you all get ready? Jor Yes, mam, Lowa Interesting. The truth is Mr. Joe I do not know how to talk to a man so famous like you. Jor (Step C) How about you? Miss West Indies. That's going some. —4T— ~ eee CS Lowa {tis silly. I am ashamed he told you, Mr. Applegate tries to show me off too much. (X and touch him. Then X DLC) Because my picture is in the papers and because maybe T am pleasing to Jook in a bathing suit, i that important? Jor Well, as the fellows around here wouid sey, (Laughs) it ain't bad. Lota (X to him, protesting, and holds his shirt) No, Joe. What is inside me, if 1 am an interesting person, that is important. Jor Ob, 1 agree. Lowa (xD) ‘What are those? (Referring to the suitcases on lockers. She jumps up on bench DL to ‘examine them) Jor. ‘That's where we pack our duffle when we go on the road. Lowa ‘Oh, Joe — You like music? You like dancing? (She accompanies these questions with appropriate movement of the hips) Jor (X in I step) I'm not so very hot at dancing, but I like music. I studied cornet for three years, Lous (Looks down from bench as if from a precipice) You help me down, please? Jor Ob sure. (He offers hand, but SHE pulls him to her and puts arm around neck, Then slides safely down him) Lota ‘Thank you. Jor (Still caught in his impromptu embrace) 1 really studied for four years, My teacher said I had a natural lip —~ uh — for cornet playing that is. I mean to play the cornet you have to have good lips. Oh gosh. (He pushes himself away to LC) Lous Oh Joe, you are wonderful boy. Jor Tam? You rmb Like Well, ‘ I don Do ye Wed Ithin to tak Gee, Held: No, n« Any p Oh, Je No. N ony promi Home. ‘Yes.1 Youw No, no But Le 0 We har