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COMM2100
Submitted to Susan Knott
July 27, 2014
Many times, they become impatient as I tell them, " Just a minute," which
then turns into an hour. They will enter the room and begin to tell me a story,
and I have to ask them to repeat it when I realize that I am not even listening
to them.
In short, they have become less of a priority, and they can feel it. They
feel like they are not as important to me as whatever it is that I happen to be
doing. I can tell that our relationship has become more distant. I have found
that they are fighting with each other a lot more. My youngest daughter,
especially, has begun to scream at people whenever she is frustrated. She is
also having nightmares and is very insecure at night. My oldest daughter is
feeling the stress of added responsibility in taking care of the kids while I am
at work, or busy with school assignments. She is showing signs of being overstressed by being very impatient with everyone around her. My two middle
children have become captivated by electronics; specifically Netflix shows on
TV. and the Minecraft video game on the computer. My son, especially,
begins to cry any time he is pulled away from his video game. I know that my
lack of being an attentive, other-oriented (page 2) listener has been the
root cause of these issues.
Seeing this problem emerging at the beginning of this term, I knew
exactly what I needed to focus on for my Personal Change Project. Being a
present, attentive mother is my first priority, and I have to make sure that it
isnt overshadowed by any other responsibility I have taken on.
Strategies
From my studies in my Communications class this term, I have learned
many useful strategies to become a better listener. The first thing I knew I
needed to do was to remove the listening barriers (page 125) that created
external and internal noise (page 129) when I communicate with my
children, such as the book Im reading or the electronic device Im using. I
also needed to eliminate the emotional noise (page 129) inside of me,
comprised of the stress my never-ending to-do list creates in my mind, and
the drama that is ever-present on social media. Secondly, I needed to begin
using non-verbal cues (page 194) to show my children that I really am
listening. This included improving my kinesics (page 194) by facing the
child that is talking, and leaning towards them. Positive affect displays
(page 195), such as having a happy facial expression, and touching them
would also convey that I really am listening. In addition, any regulators
(page 195) that I could use to show that I am engaged like nodding,
verbalizing understanding, and making eye contact also were part of my
plan.
Another important part of my strategy was to avoid doing unnecessary
things on electronic devices while my children were around. I committed to
only engaging in electronically mediated communication (EMC) (page
15) on Facebook or Instagram while my children were either not home, or
asleep. I planned to avoid checking messages or updates because that
struggles are most often power struggles. What works best with her,
however, is a compromising (page 238) management style, and during this
time, I went even further and I became for accommodating (page 236) to
her due to her injury. I was also able to find that I am capable of shifting my
attention between schoolwork and my childrens needs. It just took an
extreme situation that left me no other choice to help me find a balance.
In the time since I started this project, I have seen positive
changes in my children. They are fighting less and their emotional outbursts
are fewer. My daughter that broke her arm responded positively to my
increased compassionate communication and affection (page 53) and has,
in turn, become more helpful and has had more of a peaceful attitude than
normal. As I have made time for my children through compromise, and taken
them to the pool or the park where I can study while they play, they feel like
their needs are being met. I have taken the opportunity to speak positively
about school and the opportunities that will be available to me, thereby
resulting in positive potential opportunities for our family. I have tried to
share interesting or funny things that I learn to help them form a positive
perception (page 63) of learning and continuing education. I have also seen
more understanding and cooperation from my children as I have
communicated honestly about what is required of me, what I can do for
them, and what they can do to help me. They respond very well to this
communication and demand less of my attention because their needs are
being better met, and they understand what I am doing and why.
Recommendations
From this process, I have learned that I am capable of dividing my
attention when I need to by remembering what is my most important
priority: being a compassionate mother that listens and is attentive to her
children. Eliminating distractions has been the most helpful thing. I kept
getting drawn back into wasting time on EMC and when I eliminated that
source of noise, I was able to attain my goal of being a good listener more
often. The most important lesson I think I learned was that when I
communicate my need to my children and when I actively listen and take
care of their needs, they are more apt to be less demanding of my time and
attention, and feel more secure and happy. In other words, when I avoid
taking care of them, they grow impatient, demanding, and emotional all of
which increases the stress I feel. However, when I take the time to
communicate and listen, and find compromises with how I spend my time
(like taking them to the pool and reading my textbook chapters while they
swim), I actually get more done, feel less stress, we have less interpersonal
conflict and - best of all my children are happier.
If I take a different perspective and look at this situation from an
outsiders view, there is some very obvious advice I would give myself. If