Crucial Conversations

An overview

What is wrong with this

picture?
1. Does it appear that
something is at high
stake?
2. Does it appear that there
are opposing opinions?
3. Does it appear that the
emotions are high?

Image retrieved from http://delphineallen.com/5-steps-toprepare-for-a-crucial-conversation/. 2014

What is a Crucial Conversation

Day to day conversation
Must include three criteria

Opinions vary
Stakes are high
Emotions run strong
Are a result of the first two criteria when
adrenaline kicks in.

Image captured from www.3cm.com.au

What has to change?

In order to improve the outcomes of a

crucial conversation, the behavior of the
participants must change.

What must be present?

Successful conversations always have a

free flow of information.
Free flow includes opinion, feelings, theories,
and experience about the topic.
These components make up the Pool of
Meaning.

A Commitment to Action
When all parties are in agreement to the
common purposes, the likelihood of
commitment increases.

To start a Crucial Conversation

Start with the Heart

Clarify what you really want
Clarify what you dont want

Clarify what you want for others

What do you want for the relationship
This is will summate the complex problem at
hand.

Once the conversation starts

One can only control themselves
The free flow of information in a crucial
conversation will begin to break down
when one does not feel safe

Safety will not be felt if the Mutual Purpose or

if Mutual Respect is not maintained.

I am not safe

When the feelings of safety are removed,

one will start to respond in one of two
ways:
Silence
Violence

These are tell-tale signs that the

conversations Purpose and/or Respect
have been deviated

I am withdrawing
When one reverts to silence, they
withhold information from the dialogue.
These include:

Avoiding
Masking
Withdrawing

I am forcing meaning!
Opposed to silence, violence is the forcing
of meaning.
The ways one forces are to:

Control
Label
Attack

What to do if I am unsafe?
The first step is to recognize that you or
the others are unsafe.
Next is to pause the dialogue in your head
of verbally if need be.
Finally, make the conversation safe again.

I think we have lost Mutual

Purpose

Revisit the Mutual Purpose

Was it really defined?

Has the purpose changed?
Do we have a common motive?

Signs in the conversation that motives are

not in common:

It ends up in a debate
Parties become defensive
Hidden agendas are discovered
Either party circles back to the same topic

I think we have lost Mutual

Respect
In addition to purpose, Mutual Respect
must be maintained.
Signs one feels contempt in a
conversation:

Emotions turn from fear to anger

One becomes highly charged
One results to yelling
One results to name-calling
One makes threats
One dwells on the differences they share

How do I make the conversation

again safe?

There are three skills that one can use to

regain safety:
Apologize if you have made a mistake
Contrast if there is a misunderstanding
Re-define the mutual purpose

Do not confuse strategy with purpose.

Your strategy is yours and is tied to your
heart. The purpose is the common motive
and objective for the dialogue to be
successful.

What if we do not have a common

purpose?

Sometimes it was assumed that a

common purpose was agreed upon. If
upon discovery one is not apparent, take
steps to:

Commit to seeking a new one

Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
Invent one
Brainstorm new strategies

We have Mutual Purpose and

Respect but what about the
emotions?
When the stakes become high and there
are opposing views, emotions will result.
The emotions are almost always tied to a
previous experience.

The information one Sees or Hears quite often

leads to an incorrect emotion.
The brain will always attempt to rationalize
information and associate it to a feeling.
Known as Telling a Story.
Are mostly our own invention.

Why do I act?
During a crucial conversation, we often
act disproportionately to the actual nature
of the event (Silence or Violence).
From the information we See and Hear,
our brain Tells a Story, and this leads to
how you Feel.

Image captured from www.themarteneygroup.com

I did not like the way I acted. Now

what? (Question One)

One should first ask themselves this

question:
Am I in some form of silence
or violence?

I did not like the way I acted. Now

what? (Question Two)

One should next ask themselves:

Which emotions are

encouraging me to act
this way?

I did not like the way I acted. Now

what? (Question Three)

One should next ask:

What story is creating

these emotions?

I did not like the way I acted. Now

what? (Question Four)

The final question is:

What evidence do I
have to support this
story?

What makes a fact a fact?

Many times the Stories well tell ourselves
become the facts we believe.
Facts must be observable and are void of
emotion.

Can I believe my Story?

There are two primary categories of

Stories. Those that are:
Completely accurate (in fact and emotion) and
are healthy.
Quite inaccurate (in fact and emotion) and only
serve to justify behaviors.

What are the sources of my

unhealthy stories?

As we receive information from what we

See and Hear and are unable to
understand and/or accept the facts we will
tell ourselves:
Victim stories
Villain stores
Helpless stories

These Clever Stories typically excuse

oneself from responsibility and are
missingthe rest of the story.

What am I doing by telling an

unhealthy story?

Victim

Its not my fault!

Am I acknowledging what my complete role in
this situation is?

Villain

Its all your fault!

Am I blaming someone else for event?

Helpless

Theres nothing else I can do!

Am I acting powerless?

How do I turn my Clever Story into

a healthy one?

Ask yourself:
Victim: Am I pretending not to notice my role
in the problem?.
Villain: Why would a reasonable, rational, and
decent person do what this person is doing?.
Helpless: What do I really want for me,
others, and for the relationship? followed by
What would I do right now if I really wanted
these results?.

References
Image captured from www.3cm.com.au
Image captured from
www.themarteneygroup.com
Patterson, K., J. Grenny, R. McMillan, and
A. Switzler (2002). Crucial Conversations:
Tools for Talking when Stakes are High.
New York: McGraw-Hill.