by John Powell

Argus Communications

Designed by

Patricia Ellen Ricci

Published by
ARGUS COMMUNICATIONS CO.
7440 Natchez Avenue
Niles, Illinois 60648

International Standard Book Number: 0-91359203-x

Copyright by Argus Communications Co.,

Revised 1972

1967

WHY AM I AFRAID TO LOVE?

TABLE OF CONT ENTS

1. Man's I nvitatio n to Love

2. H u m a n Pai n s in a Loveless Wor l d

3. The Self I m age

4. The Matu ri n g P rocess

5. Lea rning to Love

Beloved,
let us love one another,
because love takes its origin in God,
and everyone that loves
is a child of God
and knows God.
He who has no love
does not know God,
because God

is love.

God's love
was made manifest
among us
by the fact that God
sent his only-begotten Son
into the world
that we might have life
through him.
This Jove consists
not in our having loved God
but in his having Joved us
and his having sent his Son
as a propitiation
for our sins.
Beloved,
if God so Joved us,
we in turn
ought to Jove one another.
1 John 4: 7-11

MAN'S INVITATION
TO LOVE

The word religion i s derived from a

Lati n word religare, wh ich mea n s to bind
back. By h i s practice of re l i g ion m a n
b i n d s h i m self back t o God who i s h i s
a l ph a (ori g i n) a nd omeg a (destiny) . To
a n yone who is fa m i l i a r w ith the New
Testa ment there ca n be no dou bt that the
essenti a l act of re l i g ion a n d the essential
bond between m a n a n d his God is love.
When Jesus was a s ked by the Pharisees:
"Wh ich i s the g reatest com m a ndment?"
he a n swered :
"You must love the Lord your God with all your
heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
This is the greatest and the first commandment.
The second resembles
neighbor as yourself."

it: You must love your

Matthew 23: 35-39

What does it mean to love God w ith

o ne's whole hea rt, sou l a nd m i nd ? I
th i n k that St. Joh n wou l d a n swer this
q uestion by te l l i ng u s that before a nyone
ca n rea l ly g ive h i s heart, sou l a nd m i nd
to God, he m u st fi r st know h ow m uch
God has loved h i m , how God h a s thought
a bout him from a l l etern ity, and desi red
to s h a re h is l i fe, joy, a nd l ove w i th h i m.
9

C h r ist i a n love i s a respo n se to God's i n

fi n ite love, a n d there can be no response
u nti l one has somehow percei ved that
God has fi rst loved h i m , so m uch so that
he se nt h i s o n ly-begotten Son to be our
sa l vatio n .
More than th i s, God d oes n ot s i m p ly
have love; he is love . If giving a nd shar
ing with a nother i s the cha racter and es
se nce of love, then God i s love . He can
acq u i re noth i ng beca u se h e i s God . He
needs noth i ng beca u se he is God . He has
a l l good ness a nd a l l riches with i n h i m
se lf. But good ness is se lf-d iffu sive; it
see ks to s h a re itself. So the i nfi n ite good
ness wh ich is God see ks to com m u n icate,
to d iffuse, to s h a re itse lf . . . with you . . .
with me . . . with a l l of u s .
We know someth i n g o f th i s love i n
o u r o w n i n sti ncts t o share that w h i c h is
good a nd is o u r possession: good i n
sig hts, good news, good rumors. Per
h a ps the best a n a logy i n o u r h u man ex
perie nce is that of the young marr ied
cou p le, very m uch i n love a nd very m uch
a l ive beca u se of that love, w i s h i ng to
sh a re thei r love a n d l ife with new l ife
wh ich it is i n thei r powe r to beget. But
11

it i s even more th a n th i s with God who

te l l s m a n : if the mother sho u l d forget the
ch i l d of her wom b I wi l l never fo rget
you!
It is precise l y th i s t h at is the point of
most fa i l u res to love God tru l y . Most of
us a re not deep l y awa re of h i s fatherly,
even tender, love. It i s especia l l y the per
son who h a s never experienced a h u m a n
love, with a l l o f its l ife-g i v i n g effects,
who h a s never been i ntrod uced to the
God who i s love th ro u g h the sacrament
of h u m a n love, th at sta nds at a serious
d i sadva ntage. The God of love who
wishes to s h a re his l ife a n d joy w i l l prob
a b l y seem l i ke the prod uct of an over
heated i m a g i nation - u n rea l .
There i s no h u m a n be i ng who wi l l
not eventu a l ly respond to love i f o n l y he
can rea l ize that he i s loved . On the other
hand, if the l ife a nd wor l d of a person
is m a r ked by the a bse nce of love, the
rea l ity of God's love w i l l h a rd l y evoke
the respo n se of h i s whole hea rt, sou l a n d
m i nd .
False Gods Before Us

The God who enters such a l ife wi l l

be a fea rsome a n d frow n i ng idol, de12

m a nd i ng o n l y fea r of h i s devotees. The

Book of Genesis te l l s us that God has
made us to his i mage and l i keness, but
it i s the most perd u r i ng tem ptation of
m a n to i nvert this, to m a ke God to h i s
h u m a n i m age a nd l i keness .
Each of u s h a s h i s ow n u n ique a nd
very l i m ited concept of God , a nd it i s
very ofte n m a r ked a n d d i storted b y h u
m a n exper ience. Negative emotions, l i ke
fea r, ten d to wea r out. The d i storted
i m age of a ve ngefu l God w i l l eventu a l ly
n a u seate a nd be rejected. Fear i s a frag i le
bon d of u n i o n , a brittle basis of relig i o n .
I t m a y we l l b e that th i s is why God's
second com m a ndment i s that we love
one a nother. U n selfish h u m a n l ove is the
sacra menta l i ntrod uction to the God of
love. M a n m u st go thro u g h the door of
h u m a n g i v i ng to fi n d the God who g i ves
h i m self.
Those who do n ot reject such a d i s
torted i m age w i l l l i m p a long i n the sh ad
ow of a frow n , but they certa i n ly w i l l
not love w ith the i r whole hea rt, sou l a nd
m i nd . Such a God i s not lovea b l e . There
w i l l never be a n y trust a n d repose i n the
lov i n g a rm s of a Father; there w i l l never
13

be a n y mystiq ue of belo n g i ng to God.

The person who serves out of fea r,
without the rea l ization of love, wi l l try
to barg a i n with God . He w i l l do l ittle
th i ng s for God , m a ke l ittle offeri ngs, say
l ittle praye rs, etc. to em bezz le a pl ace i n
the heaven o f h i s God. life a nd re l i g ion
wi l l be a chess-g a me, h a rd ly a n affa i r of
love .
Response to God's Love

The person who i s open to the rea l i

zation of God's love w i l l want to m a ke
some respon se of h i s own love . How ca n
he m a ke a mea n i ngfu l respo nse if th i s
God ca n not acq u i re and needs noth i ng ?
St. J o h n poi n ts o u t the pl ace o f h u m a n
response:
We know what love is from the fact that Jesus
Christ laid down his life for us. We, too, ought
to lay down our lives for our brothers . . .
Beloved, let us love one another, because love
takes its origin in God, and everyone that loves
is a child of God and knows God.He who has
no love does not know God, because God is
love ... No one has ever seen God, yet if we
love one another, God abides in us and our
love for him reaches perfection.
1 John 3: 16; 4:7-12
14

Meeting God i n other h u m a n s i s the

most costly pa rt of the d i a logue between
God a n d m a n . The n atu re of m a n re
q u i res that he somehow contact God i n
a bod i l y o r sen s i b l y percepti b l e way. I n
the O l d Testa ment God came to ma n i n
thu nder a nd l ightn i ng over S i n a i; h i s
voice emerged from a b u r n i ng bush . I n
the New Testa ment God's good ness to
m a n i s even more a sto n i s h i n g : He be
comes a m a n a nd is raised i n agony on a
cross for you a n d m e . "Th is i s what I
mea n when I say I love you ." I n the
I nca rnation God brought h i s g i fts to m a n
i n the ea rthen vessel o f h u m a n ity th at
He mig ht spe a k o u r l a n g u age a nd we
m ig h t know w h at he is rea l ly l i ke .
J u st a s God expected m e n to find
him u nder the vei l of h u m a n ity, even
when that h u m a n ity was a red mask of
blood and agony, so now he expects
men to fi nd h i m u nder other h u m a n vei l s.
It w i l l , i ndeed, cost a man a g reat dea l if
he ta kes God seriou s l y on this poi nt:
"... For I was hungry, and you gave me to
eat; I was thirsty and you gave me to drink; I
was a stranger and you took me into your
home; I was naked, and you covered me; I was
15

sick, and you visited me; I was in prison, and

you came to see me./I
Then those who are saved will say to Him:
/lLord, when did we see you hungry and feed
you? or thirsty and give you to drink? And
when did we see you a stranger and take you
into our homes? or naked and cover you? When
did we see you sick or in prison, and come to
visit you?/I
And in explanation the King will say to them:
/II tell you the plain truth, whatever you did to
the least of my brethren, you did to me!"
Matthew 25: 35-40

The ea rly C h r i st i a n s d i d not d i sti n

g u ish love of God from love of m a n; i n
fact they had one word , agape, to de
scr i be the one love that s i m u ltaneously
em braces the God of love a n d the least
of h i s breth ren .
But a l l th i s is o l d stuff, i sn't i t ? Some
ti mes when we g row sta le, there is a
tem ptation to th i n k that it i s rea l l y God's
Word that i s sta le. When the d i mensions
of generous response seem sh ru n ken i n
us, we a re tem pted to tu rn away from
the rea l i ssue, to look for more practica l ,
re levant issues to d i scuss .
Th i s is a da ngerous th i ng to do: to
avoid confro ntation with the rea l ch a l16

lenge of God's Word . Someday we sha l l

a l l i nevita b l y meet h i m . The d a nger of
e m ba rrassment i s g reat. He j u st m i ght
ask as he extends h i s hands to g reet us
just beyond the door of death:
"Where are your wounds?"

I t just m ight be that, w i th St. Aug u s

ti ne, who wrestled a long time befo re
succ u m b i ng to g race, we sha l l have to
say:
"Too late, 0 Lord, too late have I loved you."

The Meani ng of Love

Whatever e l se ca n a nd shou ld be s a i d
o f love, it i s q u ite evident that t r u e love
demands se lf-forgetfu l ness. If there a re
m a n y peo p l e who u se the word a nd
c l a i m the rea l ity without know i ng the
mea n i ng of the word or being able to
love to a n y g reat exte nt, th i s is the test:
Can we really forget ourselves? There a re
m a n y cou nterfe it p roducts o n the m a r ket
wh ich a re c a l led love, but which in fact
a re fa lsely n a med . We ca n som etimes
l a be l the g ratification of our need s " love";
we can eve n do th i ng s for others w ithout
rea l l y lovi n g . The acid test i s a lways the
p robi ng q u estion of se lf-fo rgetfu l ness .
17

Can we rea l l y l ocate the focus of o u r

m i nds on t h e h a p p i ness a nd f u lfi l l ment
of others? Can we rea l ly ask not w h at
others wi l l do for u s, but o n l y what we
ca n do for them ? I f we rea l l y want to
love, then we m u st ask o u rse l ves these
q uestions.
We m u st become awa re that we are
capable of u s i n g people for our ow n ad
va ntage, for the sati sfaction of o u r deep
and th robb i ng h u m a n needs, and be de
l uded i nto th i n k i n g that this is rea l ly
love. The you ng m a n who professes to
love a you n g wom a n may ofte n be de
cei ved i n th i n k i ng that the g ratification
of h i s own egoti stica l u rges rea l l y con sti
tutes love . The you n g wom a n who fi nds
the voids of her own lone l i ness fi l led by
the com pa n ionsh i p a nd attention of a
you ng m a n m a y we l l m i sta ke th i s emo
tio n a l sati sfaction for love . Li kew i se, the
mothe r and father who a nxiou s l y try to
promote the success of the i r ch i l d ren c a n
eas i ly rationa l ize the i r des i re fo r the vi
carious exper ie nces of success a nd con
vi nce themse l ves that they a re lov i ng
pa rents. The critica l q uestion a lways re
m a i n s that of self-forgetfu l ness. Does the
you n g m a n or wom a n , the m other or
19

father rea l l y forget h i mself a n d h i s own

conve n i e nce and emotion a l satisfactio n ,
to see k o n l y t h e h a p p i ness a n d fu lfI l l
ment of the be loved ? These a re not
mere l y theoretica l q uestions. The fact of
the m atter is that, for most of us, o u r
ow n needs are s o pa l pa b l e a nd rea l to u s ,
t h a t it i s enormou s l y d ifficu lt fo r the seed
to fa l l i nto the g ro u n d a nd d ie to itse lf
before it ca n l i ve a l i fe of love.

20

HUMAN PAINS IN A
LOVELESS WORLD

A l l of u s to some exte nt a re e nd u r i ng
agonies of lone l i ness, f r u strat i o n , emo
tion a l a nd sp i r itu a l sta rvat ion. Somehow
these pai n s a re radica l l y d u e to fai l u res
i n love . The essent i a l sad ness of such
pa i n is that it magnet izes the focus of o u r
atte nt ion; it preoccupies u s w ith o u r
se l ves. A n d se lf-preoccupat ion is an a b
so l u te obstacle to a l ife of l ove .
I once as ked a Psych iat rist friend of
m i ne, "How ca n you teach peop le to
love ? " H i s a nswer was m i l d l y s u rp risi ng,
to say the least. He a n swe red the que s
tion by a s k i ng one of h is own : " Did you
ever h ave a toot hache? Of whom we re
yo u thi n k i ng d u r i ng the d i stress of yo u r
toothach e ? " His poi nt w a s clea r . Whe n
w e a re i n pa i n , eve n i f it be o n l y the
pass i ng d i scomforts of an aching tooth,
we a re th i n k i ng about o u r s e lves .
The Psych i at r i st conti n u e d : "This is a
pa i n-fi l led wo rld i n w h ich we a re l iv i ng .
And the pa i ns that reside deep i n t h e
23

h u ma n hea rts aro u n d us are not li ke

toot haches. We go to bed with them at
n ig ht and we wa ke up with them i n the
morn i ng . Two-t h i rds of all the hospital
beds in this cou ntry are now occupied by
menta l pat ients. One out of ten Ameri
ca ns h a s a l ready bee n t reated for mental
i l l ness. The pai n inside of them s i mp l y
became too deep and required p rofes
siona l atte nt ion. The suicide rates i n the
eightee n to twenty-o ne year age g roup
is ext remely high. Su icide ran ks a s the
t hird h ighest k i l l e r i n th is age group. I n
the twenty-one to twenty-fou r yea r age
group, it is the fou rth h ighest ki l ler. This
is a pa i n-fi l led wo r l d , and so, a love less
world that we l i ve i n . Most h u man be
i ngs a re so t u rned- i n by thei r own pai ns
that they can n ot get enough out of them
selves to love to a n y g reat extent . "
Person and Personal ity

Each of u s is a u n iq u e a n d ind i v i d ua l
person. We someti mes facetiously rema r k
to others: "After God made you , he
broke the mo l d. " In fact, each of u s is
fash ioned i n a u n iq ue mold . There never
has bee n and neve r w i l l be a n yone exact
l y l i ke you or me. However, at the be24

g i n n i ng of l ife t h i s perso n is, a s it were,

l i ke the bud of a flower o r p l a nt : closed.
O n l y when the bud of the flowe r re
ce ives wa rmth from the s u n a n d nou rish
ment from the moth eri ng soi l w i l l it open
a n d expose a l l of the bea uty t h at is l atent
with i n it. So, too, the h u m a n perso n at
the beg i n n i ng of l ife m u st rece ive the
wa rmth of h u m a n love, ass u r a nce a nd
the nourishment of p a renta l affection if it
i s to open and ex pose the u n i q u e bea uty
that God h a s p l aced with i n eve ry h u man
i n d ivid u a l.
Personality, i n the sense wh ich we
a re adopti ng here, i s the socia l m a n ifes
tation or expression of person. We ex
press ou rse l ves a n d the u n ique person a l
bea uty rad i ated i n u s i n various ways.
Th i s process of ope n i ng a nd self-reve la
tion i s what psycho logi sts ca l l the dynam
ics of h u m a n perso n a l ity.

We k now that if the bud of a flower

is i n j u red by hosti l e forces, l i ke a n u n
seaso n a l frost, it wi l l not o pen. So, too, a
h u m a n person who i s without the warm
encou ragement of love, and who m u st
end u re the ch i l l i ng a bsence of pra i se a nd
affection, w i l l rem a i n closed i n on h i m25

se lf . The d y n a m ics of h i s persona lity wi l l

be j a m med . A n d , if the d y n a m ics of per
son a l ity a re serio u s l y i mpeded, the res u lt
wi l l be w h at psycholog i sts ca l l neurosis.
A lthough there a re m a n y va l i d descrip
tions of neu rosis, neu roses a re com mon
ly recogn ized i n the form of a cripp l i ng
i n a bi l ity to re l ate we l l to others, to go
out to them a n d to accept them as they
a re without fea r of re jection.

The First Seven Years of Life

Those who h a ve bee n d r i ven by their
d i scomfort to see k p rofession a l h e lp from
a c l i n ica l psychologist or psyc h i atrist a re
often su rp rised that the doctor evi nces
part icu l a r i nterest in the ea r l i est mem
ories of his patient's chi l d hood . It i s the
u n a n i mo u s conse n s u s of psycholog i sts
that o u r basic perso n a l ities a re fa i r l y we l l
formed i n t h e fi rst seven yea rs of l ife.
A lthough it i s a truth wh ich most of us
find o u rselves re l uctant to accept, it i s
q u ite obvious t h at w e d o ret a i n the psy
cho logica l tra its wh ich we m a nifested at
age seven for the rest of o u r l i ves. If we
were q u i et a nd predom i n ate l y i nward at
that age, the cha nces a re that we a re st i l l
q u iet a n d i nwardi if we were bo isterou s
28

ext rove rts at age seven, the cha nces a re

that others sti l l h ave to bea r with our
boisterous extroversio n .
A lthough i t is diffic u l t t o accept, the
psycho logica l sca rs tflat we have acqui red
d u r i ng th ese fi rst seven yea rs remai n i n
some way with us for life . No very deep
psycho logica l prob l e m s origin ate after
this age, a lthough these scars a nd scar
tissue m a y be aggra vated or i nflamed
by c i rc u m sta nces occ u r r i ng l ater in o u r
lives. The rather com mon p rejudice i s t h at
we are perso n a l l y the m a sters of o u r
fates a n d t h e captain s of o u r sou l s; the
truth of the m atte r i s that we a re very
large l y s h aped by ot hers, who, in an a l
most frighteni ng way, hold our desti ny
in their h a nd s . We a re, each of us, the
prod uct of those who have loved us . . .
or refused to love u s .
Anxiety

There a re th ree basic emotio n a l prob

lems with w h i c h a l l of us m u st, to some
extent, live . The fi rst of th ese i s ca l l ed
anxiety. Anxiety may be described as the
irrational fear of an unknown object. We
a re not q u ite s u re w h a t it is that is both29

ering us, but we a re awa re of the u n

easi ness i n o u r m i nds a n d the effects of
th i s u neasi ness i n o u r nervous system a nd
d i gesti ve tracts. To the extent that we
bea r the sca r-tissue of a nxiety, we fear
that someth i ng i s w rong or w i l l go
wron g . The deep l y a nxious person l i ves
h i s l ife u nder Murphy's Low: "Wh at can
go wrong wi l l go w ron g . " Mu rphy's Law
i s i l l ust rated each time that we d rop our
toast . It a lways l a nds j a m-side dow n .
T h e defen se mech a n isms bu i lt i nto
h u m a n n at u re a re m a n y a n d com p l icated .
N ature seems to see k its own a nesthetics.
For exa m p le, when we a re e n d u r i n g
s u c h g reat phys ica l p a i n that t h e thresh
old (en d u ra nce capacity) of pa i n is
crossed, n at u re often see ks the a nesth et
ic of u nconsciousness. We fa i nt . I ns a n ity
itse lf i s a com mo n refuge for those who
fi nd l ife u n beara b l e . It i s an escape from
a rea l a nd too-pa i nf u l wor l d w ith wh ich
the i nd ivid u a l finds it i m poss i b l e to cope.
So w ith a n x iety, h u m a n n ature h a s
its o w n bui lt- i n defe nse. N atu re te nds to
constrict the genera l fear of a nxiety i nto
particu l a r fea rs ca l led phobias. A phobia
ca n be defi ned a s o n irrational fear o f a
30

known but unrealistic object. Rather than

s u b m i t to the con sta nt u neasi ness of a nx

iety, n atu re seeks to re l ieve u s by con
str icti ng a nd restricting th i s general fear
i nto particu l a r mome nts . There a re m a ny
peop le, fo r exa m p le, who look u n der
the i r bed s at n ight before reti ri ng, even
though they h a ve fou nd noth i n g but d u st
there for m a n y yea rs. There a re others
who ca n not e n d u re the cloister of a
closed- i n p l ace (cl a u strophobia). Others
a re u n a b le to e n d u re the pos s i b l e per i l s
o f a h i g h pl ace (acrophob i a). These pho
bias, desig ned to spare u s from the con
sta nt tremors of a nxiety, a re usu a l ly
m a n y a n d deep-seated i n the seriously
a nxious perso n .
Ca uses i n t h e genesis o f a nx iety a re
not easy to trace. Psycholog i sts, how
ever, a re beco m i ng i ncreasi ng l y awa re
of the i m porta nce of w h at a re ca l l ed
pre-natal experiences. Whe n a woman is
carry i ng a child, the ch i ld i s on its moth
er's bloodstream . Hemato logy (the study
of b lood and its d iseases) has revea l ed
the cha nges i n blood chem istry wh ich
occ u r d u r i ng the tra u m atic moments of
h u m a n l ife . We a re a l l awa re of the
phys ica l effects of our emotion s, of the
31

adren a l i n flu s h i ng i nto our b l ood streams,

the pa lpitati ng heart a n d the beads of
persp i ration that form on o u r foreheads
a nd in the pa l m s of our h a nd s .
The fetus or em bryo , for m i ng i n its
mother a nd nou r ished by her blood
strea m , expe riences these same i m pu l ses
a n d effects . They a re a l so tra nsm itted by
the m u scu l a r contractions of the mother's
body, wh ich the fetus l i kewise experi
ences. The fetus records th ese experi
e nces a nd reta i n s them both i n its bra i n
ce l l s a n d nervous system wh ich i s formed
d u r i ng the period of gestation . When a
wom a n i s con s i stently u pset emotion a l l y
d u r i ng th i s pe riod of preg n a ncy, the
ch i ld to be born wi l l rece ive a nd reta i n
the message, tra nsm itted v i a blood chem
i stry a nd m uscu l a r co ntractio n : th i s i s a
very i n secure wor l d i n to wh ich it i s
com i n g .
We a l so know that t h e i nfa nt afte r
bi rth i s very sensitive to the h a nds th at
hold it. If it is d ropped q u ic k l y or moved
q u ickly, th i s abrupt a n d u n expected mo
tion causes a n i m med i ate nervou s reac
t i o n . The infa nt w i ll a rch its back a n d its
m u sc les w i l l stiffe n . O n l y grad u a l l y wi l l
32

those m u scles re l ax and becom e s u pple

aga i n . I nfants do not hear soft sou nds,
but sudden loud noises shock the i nfan
tile nervous system; aga i n the back wi l l
a rch a nd st iffe n , the m u sc l es w i l l become
te nse a n d rig i d . Co n seq u e nt l y , the n e rv
ous h a nd s a nd a b r u pt m ovements , the
explod i ng vo ices of the i nfant's pa rents
wi l l tend to rei nforce the message of
a nxiety, w h ich w i l l be reta i ned i n the
bra i n ce l l s a n d nervous system of the
ch i ld for l ife.
Very ofte n we ca l l the seriously a nx
ious person a "worry-wa rt. " We te l l t hese
persons, i n o u r n a i vete a n d lack of com
passion, t h at they shou l d n't worry. We
even accuse them of loo k i ng for th i ngs
to worry a bout. Act u a l l y the person who
is g i ven to worry has very l itt le control
over t hese i n sti ncts, a nd o u r lack of com
passion i s h a r d l y of he l p to h i m .
The Gu i l t Complex

The second basic emotiona l affl ict ion,

to wh ich a l l of u s a re to som e exte nt
h e i rs , is ca l led the guilt complex. The fi rst
th i ng th at m u st be said a bout this g u i lt
com p l ex i s t h at it i s u n re l ated to actua l
33

g u i lt. I n fact, its origi n i s u s u a l l y trace

a b l e to a n age when se rious, actu a l gu i lt
wou ld be i m poss i b l e . A g u i lt complex
may be descri bed as a haunting sense of
moral evil or sinfulness. The person who
vivi d l y experiences a g u i lt com p l ex is
con sta ntly h a u nted by h i s ow n deep feel
i ng of s i nf u l ness or evi l . T h i s complex
a l so carries with it a need to be punished.
A lthough it sou n d s rather biza rre, the
person who is deeply affl icted by a sense
of g u i lt, w i l l see k h i s own p u n ish ment
u n know i ng l y and u nconsciously.
In its extreme m a n ifestation the
dee p l y "g u i lty" person w i l l te nd to h u rt
h i m self physica l ly or to co nfess some
crime of w h ich he is not g u i lty. In a less
er but more com mon m a n ifestation , the
person may we l l seek a partner in m a r
r i age or the com pa n ionsh i p of a nother
who he th i n ks w i l l p u n ish h i m . I t i s not
u ncom mo n for a wom a n who h a s been
m a r ried to, a n d suffered fro m , a n a l co
hol ic p a rtner i n m a r riage to rem a rry,
after the dem ise of her fi rst h u sba n d ,
a nother a lcoho l ic. I n fact there is a cou n
terpart of A l cohol ics Anonymous ca l led
A l i non for the wives of reformed a l co
h o l ics. The emotion a l a d j u stments of l iv36

i ng without p u n i s h ment ca n , i n some

cases, be very g reat. Th i s is not to say
that a l l of the mem bers of A l i non are the
bea rers of deep g u i lt-com p l exes, but
s i m p l y that th i s cou l d be one of the emo
tio n a l a d j u stme nts that m u st be made in
the wa ke of a lcoh o l ic reform.
As with a n x iety, h u m a n n ature has
its own devices to l essen the sufferi n g of
the g u i lt com plex. J u st a s a n x i ety te nds
to constr ict itse lf i nto the phobi a , so the
g u i lt-com p lex tends to con strict itse lf i n
to what a re c a l led scruples. The word
scru p l e i s derived from t h e Lati n word,
scrupulum. A scrupulum is a sma l l peb b l e.
When by accident a sma l l pebble g ets
lodged i n s ide one of our shoes, as we
wa l k a long we fee l the i nterm itte nt
sta bs of pa i n . So the scr u p u lous person,
as he wa l ks th rough l ife, fee l s the i n ter
m ittent agon ies of h i s i m a g i ned g u i lt. A
scr u p l e usua l ly cente rs a ro u nd some s u p
posed s i n or g u i lt. J u st a s the phobia
con stricts a n d concretizes the general ized
fea r of a n x iety, so does the scr u p le con
strict a nd concretize the genera l ized
sen se of g u i lt. Co nseq uently, the bouts
with scr u p les, precise l y because they a re
i nterm ittent, spa re the dee p l y-g u i lty per37

son from the genera l ized and consta nt

agony of h i s comp lex.
The orig i n of the g u i lt complex is
usua l l y traceable to severe or h a rsh
parents. Per h a ps such p a re nts h ave ex
p l a i ned to themse l ves that the i r sever ity
is desig ned to prod uce we l l-d i scip l i ned
ch i ldren. They justify the i r outbu rsts of
emotiona l rage a n d the venti l ation of
thei r own perso n a l d i scomfort u nder the
holy name of "ch i ld tra i n i ng ". When
these outbu rsts become a patte rn of pa
renta l cond uct, the c h i l d re n of such p a r
ents m a y we l l bea r the scars of t h e i r
"tra i n i ng " f o r the rest of t h e i r l i ves i n t h e
f o r m of g u i lt comp l exes.
Not long ago a wom a n n a m ed R u th
Kra u se wrote a boo k ca l l ed A Hole ;s
to D;g. I n th is book she re l ates the a n
swers of g roups of ch i l d re n asked to d e
fi n e m a n y of the com mon rea l ities of l ife.
"Arms," one ch i l d w rote, " a re to h u g . "
"Pu ppies a re t o j u m p a l l over y o u a nd
l ick you r face ." "A hole i s to d ig . " The
deeper i ntent of Miss Krause was to i l l u s
trate that c h i l d re n do not th i n k a s adu lts.
Whe n , for exa m p l e, a parent lea n s dow n
over h i s sma l l ch i ld, with blood i n h i s
39

eyes a n d flames snort i n g from h i s nos

t r i l s, a n d in a terrifyi ng vo ice shouts:
"You bad boy! You crossed the street,
a n d I told you not to!" the ch i ld wi l l h a ve
l ittle reason to u n dersta nd the d a ngers
of cross i n g a street. He does not know,
beca use he does not th i n k i n terms of
c a u se a n d effect, the peri ls of a sma l l
c h i l d crossi ng the street a lone. H e wi l l ,
however, reta i n t h i s message: h e i s bad.
Marga ret Mead , i n her boo k, And Keep
Your Powder Dry, i ns i sts on the necessity
of conveyi ng to a ch i l d a se n se of be i ng
loved even when he i s be i ng sco l ded or
p u n i shed . P u n ish ment in a nger is a l most
a lways, if not a l ways, a very d a ngerous
th i n g .
The Inferiority Compl ex

The th i rd basic emotion a l affliction of

m a n i s ca l led the inferiority-complex. It i s
a sense of inadequacy as a person. The
person who fee l s dee p l y i nferior, as we
a l l do to some extent, may be awa re of
certa i n particu l a r a b i l ities, but there is
i n side of h i m the g n a w i n g parasite of h i s
own i n adeq uacy. H e fee l s that he i s u n
accepta ble as a perso n . He fee l s that he
h a s very l ittle perso n a l wort h . As op40

posed to the vict i m of a g u i lt-comp l ex,

the person afflicted with a n i nferio rity
comp lex wi l l fee l not so m uch a sen se of
mora l evi l but of worth lessness. The
genes i s of the i nferior ity co mp l ex is, l i ke
the other emotiona l scars t hat we bea r,
tracea ble to one's very ea r l y life . When
pa rents treat a ch i l d as t h o ugh h e were
t h e i r bag a n d baggage, a n d train him to
a co nsta nt state of s u rrender to the a l
mighty parenta l wi l l, they are sowing
the seeds of such a comp l ex.
Dr. Ben j a m i n Spock feel s that t h e
r i g i d enfo rcement of eati n g ti mes a n d
h a b its, a nd the rig id reg u l ation of t h e
other biologica l fu nct ions of a ch i l d's
body, can we l l upset the emotio n a l b a l
a nce of t h at ch i l d for t h e rest of h i s life.
The message transm itted by mothers
who do not wish to reheat food a n d
fathers w h o wi l l not tolerate a floor f u l l
of toys at a ny t i me, beca u se it i s i nco n
ven ient to them i s : "You h a ve no worth
of you r own . You r whole good is to g o
a long w i t h us, a n d not t o rock t h e boat
of o u r conven ience . " T h i s is not to issue
a n i nd ictment a g a i nst a reasona b l e a n d
lovi ng d i sc i p l i ne of c h i l d re n . Obv ious l y ,
41

ch i ld re n m u st learn that others h a ve

rig hts, a n d a ch i l d m u st be tra i ned to
rea l ize that he i s to respect the conve n i
e nce of others. However, when th i s tra i n
i ng i s exaggerated, the ch i l d i s led to
be l ieve that h i s whole worth is to respect
the des i res a n d conve n i ence of h i s par
ents. He w i l l , then , i n sti ncti ve l y concl ude
that h e h a s no worth of h i m se lf, a lesson
that w i l l s a botage h i s self-confidence,
per h a ps for l ife.
It shou l d be noted that most of the
effecti ve lessons t h at a ch i ld needs i n
order to be prepa red for l ife a re taught
rather by exa m p l e th a n by a n g ry or
severe word s. When we wish to teach a
ch i ld how to blow u p a ba l loon, we do
not g i ve a set of verba l i nstructions, a nd
ex pect the ch i ld to a bsorb them . A ch i l d
i s not so m uch a th i n ker a s a n i m itato r .
S o w e blow u p t h e ba l loon ourse l ves,
a l low the a i r to esca pe, and ask h i m to
do the same th i n g . Bei ng such a n i nsti nc
tive i m itato r, he ca n do it a l most at once.
The pa rents who d i sg u i se the love of
their own con ven ience u nder the tit l e
"ch i ld tra i n i ng" a re teach i ng the i r ch i ld
h a bits of se lf-centered ness which ca n
b r i n g o n l y u n happi ness. We h ave sai d
42

that the fi rst seve n years of l ife are the

critica l yea rs, and m uch of what i s ca l l ed
the basic human option, either to love (to
see k others a nd the i r h a p p i ness) or to
lust (to seek self and o ne's own g ratifica
tion), wi l l be determ i ned by the lesso ns
of pa renta l exa m p l e a n d the osmosis of
ch i l d l i ke i m itation.

43

THE SELF IMAGE

I t is a l most a tru i s m i n conte m pora ry

psycho logy that one's i m age of h i mself
l ies at the root of most h u m a n conduct.
Wh at i s more d ifficu l t to accept is th at
the i m age each of u s has of h i mself is
rea l l y the prod uct of what other pe <;> p l e ,
r i g h t l y or wrong ly, h ave to l d u s t h a t w e
a re. I f one imag i nes h i mself to be ev i l or
i n adeq uate a n d h i s l ife to be governed
by Mu rph y's Law, it w i l l show in his con
d uct. He w i l l attem pt noth i ng of ch a l
lenge a n d wi l l con s i der safety as that
wh ich m u st be soug h t a bove a n d before
a l l . He w i l l somehow attem pt to h i de h is
s h a m e or i n adeq uacy under a vei l of
a nonym ity . The one th i ng h e ca n not d o
a nd it i s the one th i n g every h u m a n be
i ng m u st do to be f u l ly a l ive-i s accept
h i m self as he i s .
T h e w h o l e theory of Dr. Ca r l Roge rs,
famous for h i s non-d i recti ve or clie nt
centered system of cou n se l i ng, i s based
on the need for se lf-accepta nce. D r .
Rogers m a i nta i n s that the basic ch a l lenge
of every h u m a n l ife is that of se l f-u nder45

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sta nding a n d se lf-accepta nce. He f u rther

postu l ates that no one ca n u n dersta nd
and accept h i m se lf a s he is u nti l a noth er
has fi rst u nderstood and accepted him
for what he is. F i n a l l y , Roge rs m aintai ns
that, once we h a ve been accepted as we
a re a n d loved for w h a t we a re, the symp
tom atic prob lems with which most of us
strugg l e in life wi l l yie l d to this se lf
know ledge and acceptance .
Consequent ly, Rogers suggests that
the ro le of a cou n se lor (a n d this might
we l l be app lied to the ro l e of a frie n d)
is l a rge l y to liste n as the c l ient describes
his p roblems and u l ti mate ly himself. He
m u st co nvey a se nse of acceptance to his
co u n selee, without y i e l d i ng to the i m
p u l se of sadd ling him with ge m s of ad
vice a n d directio n . To be successful at
th is type of cou n se li ng or friend ship, one
m u st m a ke a n act of fa ith t hat the great
h u m a n need i s to know and accept one
self as he i s . We a re too often tempted
to th i n k that putti ng a nother in his place,
or ta k i ng him down a peg, or forci ng
h i m to face rea l ity is the pathway to
so l ution . I n fact, h a rsh criticism t h at h its
at the person rather th a n the deed o n l y
47

deepe n s the problem beca u se it m a kes

self-accepta nce more d ifficu lt.
Recently a p l a stic su rgeon d i scovered
that when h i s s u rg ica l arts had removed
some physica l ug l i ness or assisted a pe r
son to a more pleasi ng physica l appea r
a nce t h e patient freq uently u nderwent a
tra n sformation of persona l ity. He became
more confident, more outgoi n g , a n d ex
h i b ited a new l y ema ncipated h u m a n
s p i rit. I n pu rsu i ng h i s i nvestigation of
t h i s phenomenon , he t u r ned to the i n ne r
i m age, a s opposed to the externa l physi
ca l a ppeara nce, a n d d i scovered t h at t h i s
i n ne r self- i mage contro l s s o m uch of
h u m a n cond uct a nd h a ppi ness. I n h i s
book, Psycho-Cybernetics, Dr. Ma ltz de
picts the u g l y se lf-i mage as the radica l
cause of most h u m a n i ne rt i a , fa i lure a n d
u n h a pp i ness .
The i m porta nce of one's self-i mage i s
a ptly i l l u st rated i n the fa i ry t a l e Rapunze/.
It is t h e story of a you n g g i r l , i mprisoned
i n a tower w ith a n old witch. The you ng
g i r l i s i n fact very bea ut ifu l , but the o l d
w itch i ns i stent l y te l l s her th at s h e i s ug l y.
It is, of cou rse, a strategem of the witch
to keep the g i r l in the tower w ith her48

self. The moment of Ra p u nzel's l i bera

tion occurs one day when she i s gazi ng
from the wi ndow of the tower. At the
base of the tower sta nds her Pri nce
Charm i ng . She t h rows her h a i r, long a n d
bea utif u l go lden tresses, o u t t h e window
(the root-e nds, of cou rse, rem a i n attached
to her head), and he bra i d s the h a i r i nto
a l adder and c l i m bs up to rescue her.
Rapu nze l's i m pr i son ment i s rea l l y not
that of the tower but the fea r of her own
ug l i ness wh ich the witch has d escri bed
so often and so effective l y . Howeve r,
when Rapu nze l sees in the m i rrori ng
eyes of her love r that she is beautif u l ,
she i s freed from the rea l tyra n n y of h e r
own i m a g i ned ug l i ness.
Th i s i s true not o n l y in the case of
Rapu nze l but with a l l of u s . We desper
ate l y need to see i n the m i rror of a n
othe r's eyes our own g ood ness a n d
bea uty, i f w e a re t o b e tru l y free. U n t i l
th is moment, w e , too, wi l l rem a i n locked
i nside the p r i son towers of ou rselves.
And, if the t h r u st of love req u i res us to
be outside of ourse l ves a n d to be p re
occu pied w ith the happi ness a n d f u lfI l l
ment of others, we w i l l n ot love ve ry
m uch u nti l we h a ve had th i s visio n .
49

Ego Defense Mechanisms

We h ave a l ready me ntioned that h u
m a n n at u re is resou rcef u l i n the matter
of se lf-defense. T h i s resou rcef u l ness i s
pe rhaps nowhere better i l l u strated th a n
i n the ego defe nse mech a n isms wh ich we
e m p loy to protect ou rselves from the
ch i meras of a nxiety, g u i lt, a nd i nferiority
com p l exes. Rather than expose a self
wh ich we i m ag i ne to be i nadeq u ate or
ug l y, we i n stinctive l y b u i ld wa l l s, con
t ra ry to Robert Frost's adv i ce: Do not
bui ld a wa l l u nti l you know what you
a re wa l l i ng in a nd what you a re wa l l i ng
out. To the extent th at we experience
sca rs of a nxiety, g u i lt, a n d i nferior ity
fee l i ngs, we a re tem pted to wea r m a sks,
to act ro les. We do not trust or accept
ou rse lves enough to be ou rse l ves. These
wa l l s a n d masks a re measu res of se lf
defen se, a n d we wi l l l i ve beh i nd o u r
wa l l s a nd wea r o u r m a s k s as long as
they a re needed .
Wh i le it may seem to be a safer life
beh i nd these facades, it is a l so a lone l y
l ife . W e cea se to b e a uthentic, and as
perso n s we sta rve to death . The deepest
sad ness of the m a s k is, however, that we
52

h a ve cut ou rse l ves off from a l l ge n uine

and a uthentic contact with the rea l world
and with other h u m a n be i ngs who hold
our pote ntia l m at u rity and f u lfi l l me nt in
their h a n d s. When we reso rt to acti ng
out ro les or wea ri ng m a s k s there is no
p o s s i b i l i t y of h u m a n a n d p e r s o n a l
growth . We a r e si mp l y n ot be i ng o u r
se l ves, a n d we ca n not emerge i n a n
atmosphere of growt h . We a r e merely
perform i ng on a stage. When the curt ai n
d rops after o u r perfo rma n ce w e wi l l re
ma i n the same i m m ature person that we
were when the c u rtai n went up at the
beg i n n i ng of the act.
Very often ou r m a s ks a re obvio u s l y
prete ntiou s or ug l y . T h e s m a l l boy wa l k
i ng t h ro ugh the d a r k ce metery in the
dead of n ight whist les to co nvi nce him
se lf and ot hers who m a y be with him
that he is not afraid . We ca l l it "whist l i ng
i n the d a r k". We know t hat the sm a l l
boy, who d reams of becom i ng a basket
ba l l star, wa l ks on the tips of his toes,
t ryi ng to be somethi ng that he fears he
isn't. More obnox io u s pe rh aps i s the per
so n who bites h i s n a i l s i nward ly b ut
wea rs the pretentious m a s k of cockiness
53

o n the outside. Eventu a l ly the publ ic

wh ich sits in attenda nce o n such an act
sees th rough it.
There is a strong h u m a n tem ptation
to j udge peop le o n l y in te rms of these
acts or masks. It i s a l l too ra re that we
a re able to see t h rough the sham a n d
pretense o f m a s k s t h e i n secu re or wou nd
ed heart that is bei ng camouflaged a n d
protected from f u rther i n j u ry . Con se
q uently, we lash out with the i ron fists
of criticism a n d sa rcasm or we try to tea r
o ff the masks o f o u r fe l low m e n i n fero
cious a nger. We fa i l to rea l ize that masks
a re worn only a s long a s they a re need
ed . O n l y the reassura nce of an accepting
a nd u ndersta n d i ng love w i l l l u re the
a nxious, the g u i lt-ridden a n d the s u p
posed l y i nfe rior persons out from beh i nd
the i r defenses. I t may we l l be that we
o u rse l ves a re h i d i ng beh i n d such masks
and wa l l s, resu lting in very l ittle h u m a n
encounter a nd com m u n ication . . . o n l y
m a s k facing mask, wa l l fac i n g wa l l .
Genera l l y, we ca n recog n ize masks.
We have a sen se that o u r brother i s not
a uthentic, that he is prete ntious, a nd we
ca l l h i m a s h a m . We very m uch d i s l i ke
54

the m a s k of be l l igerence, a nd we resent

the si lent m a s k of the sph i nx . We try to
sa botage the com p l acent m a s k of cocki
ness i n the you ng a nd the m ask of a r ro
g a nce i n the o l d . We do not rea l ize t h at
i n the u nexposed roots of these exte riors,
t h ere i s o n l y a cry of pa i n a n d the need
to be u nde rstood a n d loved i nto l ife .
Most of the obnoxious q u a l ities t h at we
fi n d in others a re the res u lt of some k i n d
of defe ns ive co nverge nce on self, a n d
w e ope n l y resent t h i s se lf-ce nte red pos
t u re. It is then that we m u st remem ber
the psych iatrist's q uestio n : "Did you ever
h ave a tooth ache?" We m u st learn to
look th rough the s h a m and pretense of
o u r fe l low h u m a n bei ngs, to a l leviate
the pa i n a n d the lonely vo ids t h at h a ve
con structed these defen se wa l l s. Di rect
attacks on these defe n ses w i l l o n l y pro
d uce t h e i r re i nforcement.
The Subconscious Mind

Psycho log i sts te l l u s of two leve l s of

the h u m a n m i n d : the conscious a n d the
subconscious. It i s obvious f rom the ter
m i no logy itse lf that we a re con sciou s or
aware of the contents of o u r con scious
m i nds; we a re u n aware of the contents
56

of the s u bconscious leve l s of o u r mi nds .

These two leve l s of the m ind h a ve been
compa red to the upstairs a nd dow n st airs
of a h u m a n dwe l l i ng . Whe n we fi nd eye
sores, a worn-out p i ece of f u r nitu re or
a n u n sightly pa i l of ga rbage, we i nsti nc
tive l y want to put them o u t of o u r sight
-i nto the basement, where we wi l l not
h a ve to look at th e m . So it is w ith the
two leve l s of the m i n d . Wh en we ca n not
face or l i ve with som e rea l ity or attitude
that we fi nd in ourselves, we can s u b
merge th i s rea l ity o r attitude i nto o u r
s u bcon scious m i nd s. When w e w i s h to
forget some event of o u r l i ves, a nd de l i b
erate l y h i de it i n the confi nes of the s u b
con scious, th is i s ca l led suppression. When
we d i scover some attitude or emotional
reaction i n o u r se l ves, which we cons i der
u nworthy a nd therefore put out of sight
a n d i nto the s u bcon scious m i n d , th i s is
ca lied repression.
Eventu a l l y, when the su bco nscious
m i nd becomes ove r l oaded, we fi nd o u r
se l ves very u ncomforta b l e . We a re u n
awa re of the exact sou rce of o u r d i scom
fort, precisely beca u se our rea l conflict
h a s been bu ried i n the s u bconscio u s .
W h a t w e bury there i s n o t bu ried dead
57

but a l ive, a nd rem a i ns a l ive. Sometimes

we try to find a n a ntago n i sm of the pres
e nt moment u pon wh ich to lay the blame
for our discomforts, but the roots of our
pa i n can be fou n d o n l y i n the subcon
scious m i nd.
For exa m p le, when a ch i ld i s not
loved and not g iven a sense of h i s own
persona l worth by h i s pare nts, he wi l l
tend to react i n one of two ways: h e w i l l
ta ke the path o f exte r n a l conform ity or
externa l rebe l l ion. But there w i l l a lways
be a resentment beca use he has been de
prived of h is psychologica l needs. How
ever, society and our c u ltu re w i l l not
a l low us to express th is resentment, rea l
as it may be. When the ch i ld tries to
express th is resentment to h i s pa rents,
they wi l l rem i n d h i m forc i b l y that they
a re his parents and deserve to be loved.
The fact of the matter is that they may
not be lovea ble and thei r i n siste nt de
mand to be loved wi l l p l ace the ch i ld i n
a position of deep emotio n a l confl ict.
Pa rents who a re adamant i n the i r i nsist
ence that their c h i l d ren obey the fou rth
com ma ndment to honor father a nd moth
er shou ld m a ke an eq u a l effort to be
honorable.
58

The ch i ld, i n whom i nevita b l e resent

ment is g rowi ng, usua l l y cannot express
th i s resentment and is made to fee l that
it i s a very evi l th i ng. Sho u l d he try to
express t h i s to others outside of h i s fam
i ly, he may wel l be cal led a n i ng rate a nd
made to feel ashamed for having such
a n attitude towards h i s pa rents.
The stage has now been set for re
pression. Not know i ng what to do w i th
h i s resentment he w i l l h ide i t i n the
basement of h i s m i n d. It is l i ke a spl i nter
of wood that has been pushed deeply
u nder the flesh where it w i l l fester a nd
ca u se agony; the resentment i n the ch ild
who is not loved w i l l be a sou rce of
m uch pa i n. There i s a lways the cha nce
that th i s resentment, gath e r i ng too m uch
force in the s u bconscious m i nd, may boi l
over into acts of violence o r va ndal ism,
and the w rong people may have to bear
the brunt of th i s h i dden or repressed
resentment.
Another exa m p l e of a com mon re
pression is the repressed need for affec
tion and love. Very often i n ou r cultu re
s uch needs ca n not be acknowledged or
expressed. They do not coi ncide w ith the
59

i mage of i ndependent v i r i l ity that i s

th rust u pon u s b y o u r society and c u l
tu re. Con seq uently, t h e person who has
these repressed needs wi l l h ave to seek
the i r g ratification i n devious and subtle
ways, at ti mes deceiving eve n h i m self.
It h a s been said that l i q uor, i n re leas
i ng i n h i bitions, often opens the door to
the repressions i n the subconscious. The
person who becomes argumentati ve and
a ntago n i stic u nder the m i l d i nfluence of
l i q uor is proba b l y re leasing h i s repressed
hosti l ities. The person who wa nts to put
h i s arms a rou nd everyone i n the p l ace,
m a l e or fem a le, may be re leasing some
th i ng of h i s repressed needs to be l oved.
We w i l l reca l l that i n T. S. E l iot's p l ay,
The Cocktail Party, the a uthor portrays a
m a n u nder the i nfluence of l iq uor lean
i ng over to a psych i atrist at the Cockta i l
Pa rty. H e p leads with the psyc h i atri st for
th i s favo r : P l ease m a ke me feel i m porta nt.
And t h i s is what psychoanalysis is a l l
a bout. The a n a l yst d redges the co ntents
of the s u bconscious m i nd , h e l ps the per
son to rea l ize what h i s prob lems rea l l y
are, and tries to h e l p h i m to l ive with
them .
60

Although hypnosis a n d na rcother a py

(the use of truth seru m s) a re someti mes
used in psychoa n a l ysis, the most com
mon mea ns is ca l l ed free association.
The person is h e l ped by the a n a lyst to
assoc i ate h i s present thoug hts w ith mem
ories of h i s past, a n d grad u a l ly, to l i n k
what he fee l s i n the here a nd now to the
h i storica l and rad ica l causes of these feel
i n g s . He may a l so attempt to i nterpret
h i s c l ie nt's d reams, the m atter for wh ich
is s upp l ied l argely by the su bconscious
m i nd si nce the conscious m i nd i s not ac
tive d u r i ng s leep.
Need less to say, the p rocess of psy
choa n a l ysis shou ld be left to those who
a re p rofessiona l ly com petent. The o n ly
poi nt i n b r i n g i n g th i s up i s to i l lustrate
the rea l ity of the s u bconscious m i nd a nd
the fact that we very ra re l y u n dersta nd
our own motivation and the root ca u ses
of o u r own d i scomfort.
Transference

Very ofte n we a re stron g l y i mpel led

by the needs that ex ist at subconscious
leve ls. The need to be loved, to feel i m
porta nt, a nd the need for se lf-accepta n ce
61

ca n very often, even when we a re u n

awa re of it, have a profou nd i nfluence
on o u r conduct a n d dea l i ngs with othe rs.
Transference, i n the se nse that we are
here u s i ng it (it does have a nother u s
age), i s a lways a subconscious process by
which we transfer our needs to others. For
exa m p le, if we wish to fee l i m porta nt,
we may see k to lord it over others, to
dom i nate them . If we were to be asked
a bout such cond uct we wou l d heart i l y
a n d i ntra nsigentl y m a i nta i n that this i s
the w a y that others need to be treated .
It i s for thei r own good . Actu a l ly, we
may be tra n sferring o u r own s u bcon
scious need to them . A you ng person may
we l l enter u pon a n occu pation of notable
a ltruism on the g rounds that he w i shes
to m a ke a contri bution to a needy wor l d .
Wh i le th is may i n fact b e t h e case, i t may
a l so be that s u bconsciou s l y he h a s an
u nsatisfied need to be needed .
Very often when mothers or fathers
a re over-protective of the i r ch i ld ren, on
the a l leged g rounds that they wish no
harm to come to them , they may we l l be
s u bconsciously tra nsferring their ow n
need to have the i r ch i ld ren dependent
u pon them . They do not want them to
64

g row u p. Wh i le it is we l l for us to be
awa re of t h i s poss i b i l ity of t r a n sfere nce
i n o u r l ives, to be aware that we may
we l l be see k i ng o u rse l ves u nder the
g u i se of a lt r u i s m and love, there is really
no way to lay open a l l the i ntricacies of
h u m a n mot i vation o r to exp lore our own
su bconscious needs. The only effect ive
measu res that we ca n take are to re new
o u r motivat ion a nd to locate the focus of
the m i n d on those we a re trying to se rve
a n d h e l p. If we ca n con s i stent l y do t h i s,
we wi l l g radu a l l y acq u i re the h a bit t hat
is ca l led love .
The Need For Professional Help

O u r age h a s bee n ca l led "the age of

the couch". Someti mes we i nterpret the
prese nce of stress and stra i n i n o u r l i ves
and i n side of ou rse l ves as an i n d icat ion
of the need for professi o n a l psychol og
ica l or psych i atric h e l p. The stigma of
see k i n g such p rofess iona l h e l p h a s la rge
ly been removed i n these t i mes, perh a ps
due to the adm ission of many movie
sta rs and nationa l heroes t h at they h a ve
sought a n d been h e l ped by such p ro
fession a l treatment. However, suppres
sion, repression, subconscious needs a nd
65

tra nsference a re a part of the psycholog

ica l m a keup of a l l of us. Hopef u l ly, not
a l l of us sta nd in need of such profes
sional h e l p.
We h ave mentioned at the beg i n n i ng
of th is boo k the dynam ics of h u m a n
persona l ity and t h e poss i b i l ity that these
dynamics ca n become i m peded . If they
a re i m peded to such an extent that the
person is able to neither experience true,
mea n i ngfu l h u m a n friendsh i p nor per
form in reasonable proportion to h i s ca
pacities, there is then i nd ication that he
is in need of profession a l h e l p.
A true and mea n i ngfu l h u m a n friend
sh i p s u p poses more th a n mere associ a
tion w ith a nother. It supposes that we
a re a b l e to s h a re ou rse lves, to reve a l
ou rse lves t o a nother who is our friend.
I t supposes that we can entrust h i m with
o u r secrets a nd accept h i s confidences . It
i s the h u m a n re l ationsh i p that Marti n
Buber ca l ls the " I -Thou" encou nter.
There is a lways some g a p between
o u r a bso l ute potenti a l and actua l per
forma nce. None of us ever f u l ly rea l izes
h i s a bso l ute potentia l nor tra nsl ates pe r
fectl y h i s best i ntentions i nto extern a l
66

accom p l ishments. Yet, when there i s a

considerable g a p between potenti a l a nd
performa nce, as when the student of
considerable i nte l lect u a l endowment ca n
not pass h i s cou rses i n school or when
the com petent worker ca n not perform
sufficiently to hold a job for a very long
time, there is some i nd ication that the
dynam ics of persona l ity h a ve been seri
ously jam med and there is need of pro
fession a l assista nce.
A f u rther i nd ication of th is need m ay
a r i se from what a re ca l led psychosomatic
illnesses. Beca use of the mysterious i nter
re l ation of sou l and body, the buried d i s
tu rba nces of the m i nd may express them
se lves i n physica l reactions. Aga i n , t h i s
shou ld b e left t o t h e professio n a l judg
ment of a com pete nt physici a n. And
fi n a l ly, prolonged depression which i n d i
cates the p resence of some d istu rba nce
with i n the person ca n be a n i nd i catio n
that t h e person i s i n need o f profession a l
h e l p. There are times, of cou rse, when
we a l l fee l depressed. The depression
that i s sym ptomatic of a deeper p roblem
i s usua l ly a cripp l i ng a n d prolonged de
pression. But again it w i l l be exp ressed
in the i nabi l ity of the person invo l ved to
67

accomp l i sh a mea n i ngfu l friends h ip a n d

t o perform i n reaso n a b l e propo rtion to
h i s a b i l ity.
The Need For Friendship

Wh i le the person i n need of profes

sion a l help shou l d see k out compete nt
a nd p rofessio n a l assista nce, a l l of u s
h a ve t h e need for the support ive psycho
therapy of f r iendsh ip . We a re, each of
us, a cong lomeratio n of mysterious needs
and i mp u l ses wh ich need to be venti
l ated . We need to be a b l e to express
o u rse l ves, to ta l k ou rse lves out without
fea r of re jection by others. Too often the
p roblems th at we keep submerged with
in us rem a i n , i n the d a r k ness of our own
i nterior, u ndefi ned and therefore de
structive. We do not see the true dimen
sions of these th i ngs that trouble u s u nti l
we defi ne them a n d set l i nes of dem a r
cation i n co nversation with a friend. I n
side of us they rem a i n as nebu l ous as
smo ke, but when we co nfide ou rse l ves
to a noth er we acq u i re some sense of d i
mension a n d growth i n self-identity a n d
t h e capac ity t o accept ourse lves as w e a re.
68

It may we l l be that o u r wa l l s a nd
masks w i l l m a ke t h i s d ifficult. We may
i n sti nctive ly try to ratio n a l ize that there
is rea l l y no one nea r to whom we can
ta l k ourselves out. Ma ny of u s practice
the se lf-deception of be l ieving that there
i s no one i n o u r supposed c i rcle of friends
that can be tru sted . Very commo n l y these
excuses that we have rehea rsed so often
are mere l y excuses. O u r rea l fea r is that
we wou ld be rejected , that the other
person wou ld not u nderstand u s. And
so we wait and wait a n d w a it beh i nd o u r
wa l l s for t h e sufficient sou nd of reass u r
ance i n a nother or we g aze out of the
w i n dows of our towers l ooki ng for a
Pri nce Charm i ng to come a nd rescue u s .
We excuse ou rse lves from a l l i n itiative i n
seeking a tru l y h u m a n , i nterpersonal re
lationsh i p w ith a nother on the g rou n d s
that t h e time i s not r i pe o r t h e circum
sta nces r ight. I n the mea n w h i le, we can
o n l y perish. We w i l l very l i kely "act out"
the problems that rem a i n submerged
with i n us if we refuse to "ta l k out" these
problems. We wi l l act out our hosti l it i es
by destructi ve l y criticizi ng those a rou nd
us, or act out o u r need to be loved by an
emotion a l overdependence u pon others.
69

We w i l l act out our repressed sense of

i nferiority by try i ng to h u m i l iate others
or dom i n ate them.
It i s so m uch w i se r to ta ke a l l the
risks of confid i ng in a nother th a n to l ive
a lone beh i nd wa l l s and masks, b l i n d l y
acting o u t t h e th i ng s that w e refuse to
ta l k out. And we m u st remember, if we
want to love others tru ly, that these re
pressed a nd suppressed problems a re
very defi n ite l y i m ped i ments to love.
They a re o u r toothaches wh ich keep u s
converged on ou rsel ves, keep us f rom
being ourse l ves, and keep us from for
gett i ng ou rsel ves.

72

THE MATURING PROCESS

We spea k of people as bei ng mat u re

or i m matu re, but the fact i s that a l l of
h u m a n l ife shou ld represent a n ever
co nti n u i ng g rowth towards f u l l m aturity.
What we have ca l led the dynam ics of
h u m a n persona l ity a re very m uch i n
vo lved i n th i s process of se lf-reve lation
and of self-expa nsio n. Co nseq uently, all
the s i g n s of i m m atu r ity a re somehow
cha racterized by convergence u pon self.
This se lf-ce ntered ness betrays itself i n
m a n y ways: bea r i n g g rudges a n d pre j u
d ices, pouting, emotiona l ized th i n k i n g ,
exaggerated fee l i ngs o f i nferiority , over
conce rn a bout the opi n ions that others
have of us, worry i n g , overdependence
u pon parents or fa m i ly, rebe l l ious a n d
a ngry attitudes, bragg i ng or bu l ly i n g ,
tem per ta ntrums, t h e negativism of de
structi ve critici sm, p rocrasti nation, se lf
i n d u lgence, "s la pstick" h u mor wh ich i s
h u m i l iating to a nother, fli rtations, etc.
The patterns of m atur ity are recog
n ized in the abi l ity to go out to others,
to get a long w ith them, to exercise a
75

reaso n a b l e self-suffici ency, to set rea l i stic

goa l s, to exe rcise d i scretion , to d iffere n
ti ate the i m porta nt and u n i mporta nt
th i ngs in l ife, flex i b i l i ty, adaptabi l ity,
a n d emotiona l stabi l ity .
We m ight d i vide h u m a n m atu r ity i n
to fou r d iffe rent aspects . Intellectual ma
turity i s c h a racterized by the a b i l ity to
form o ne's own opi n io n , respecti ng but
not lea n i ng on the opi n ions of others;
the abi l ity to m a ke one's ow n decisions,
with a l l d u e respect to su bsta nt i a l evi
dence and the cou n se l of others, i nde
pendently a n d fi r m l y . The i nte l l ectu a l l y
m ature person i s w i l l i ng to c h a nge h i s
m i nd i n t h e l ight of new a nd i mporta nt
evidence and to mod ify h i s p l a n s if such
seems to be w i se. He h a s his ow n
thoughts, m a kes h i s own decisions a nd
accepts fu l l respon s i b i l ity for the m . He
i s w i l l i ng to bea r responsi bi l ity a nd to
acknow ledge the truth even when it i s
d isplea s i ng, or ma kes serious demands
of h i m . He does not app roach h i s prob
lems by worryi ng over them . He a n a l yzes
the problem, co nsiders the a lte rnatives,
m a kes a decision, executes and l ives with
that decision.
76

Emotional maturity i s c h a racte r i zed by

the acce ptance of e m otions togeth e r w i th
the a b i l ity to kee p them u n d e r reason
a b l e con tro l . The emotion a l l y m a t u re per
son can l i ve w ith emoti on a l s ituations
without fa l l ing a p a r t, and h e l e a rns to
d e a l with these si t u a t i on s o b j ect i ve l y . H e
ta l k s o u t g r i evances rather t h an pouts; h e
can accept c r i t i c i s m w i thout fee l i n g deep
l y h u rt; he can face and do u n p l e a s a nt
t h i n g s w i thout runn i n g a w a y fro m t h e m ;
he i s not overco m e by ch i l d i s h f e a r s a n d
a n x iet i e s . Both t h e rad ica l , w h o wants to
c h a n g e eve ryth ing from t h e g round u p,
and the react i on a ry, w h o d oes not want
a n yone to roc k t h e boat and w h o i s deep
l y devoted to t h e status quo, a re emotion
a l l y i m m atu re, a s Ma rtin Peck poi nts out
in h i s boo k , The Meaning of Psychoanalysis.
Both the rad ica l a nd t h e reaction a ry
represent a n u n reso l ved attitude towa rd
dom i nee r i ng

pa renta l

a uthority,

long

after the rea l i ty-situation h a s cea sed to

ex i st . The rad ica l h a s so u g h t to rebe l a n d
h a s never outg rown th i s rebe l l i o u s atti
tude. The react i o n a r y has c h osen to con
fo r m and for h is ow n reasons w i l l te n d
t o b e a co n form i st a l l o f h i s l ife . He w i l l
fea r to atte m pt new accom p l ish m ents on
77

h is own a n d h e w i l l be r e l ucta nt to ac
cept w h ateve r is new.
Social maturity is c h a racte r i zed by the
a b i l ity to go o u t to oth e r s , to r e l ate we l l
w ith t h e m , a n d to accom p l is h mean ing
f u l f r i en d s h ips . The socia l l y m a t u re per
son is n e it h e r too d e pendent on h is own
fa m i l y o r f r ien d s , nor does he wage wa r
w ith them . He can a d j ust h im se l f to the
l a w s a n d con vent ion s of the society in
w h i c h he l ives; a n d he is a b l e to s u b
o r d i n ate h i m se l f to t h e p rosec u t i o n of
g ro u p idea l s and g ro u p need s . He fi n d s
t h at wor k can b e inte restin g , i n s p ite of
its u n p l easant a n d h u m d r u m a s pects .
Moral maturity i s c h a racte r i zed by the
devotion to mora l i d e a l s a n d t h e a b i l ity
to l ive them o u t . A c h i ld's mora l s a re
gene ra l l y

in stinct u a l

and

u n reasoned .

They a re the mor a l s of h i s p a rents a n d

t h o s e a ro u n d h im . I n a d o l escence , t h e
m ora l l y m atu ring person w i l l conce ive
h is own idea l s and w i l l h a ve a m ethod
of a r r i v i n g at them wh i c h is fa i r l y defin
ite and inte l l igent. With ever-deepen ing
m a t u r ity, a person's idea l s u s u a l l y be
come more rea l i stic a n d con s istent, a n d
at t h e same t i m e fi r m e r . I n genera l it c a n
80

be s a i d t h a t t h e m o r a l l y m atu re person
h a s co m e to h i s i de a l s in a pe r s pect i ve
that i s a l tr u i st i c rath e r th a n egocentr i c .
S i n ce m a t u r ity i s a n eve r-evo l v i ng
process a n d progress, i t c a n be m a r ked
by h a lts (fixations) a n d rece s s i o n s (regres
sions). T h e re a re i n each of us two con
fl icti n g te n d e n c ies; to g row up a n d to
t u r n bac k . I n g e ne ra l w h e n l ife d e m a n d s
m o re o f u s th a n we fee l c a pa b l e o f g i v
i ng , we d e ve l o p w h at h a s bee n ca l l ed
"promot i o n a l n e u ro s i s " . We h a ve d iffi
cu l ty in a d j usti n g to i ncrea sed respo n s i
b i l i t i e s to tend to b a c k a w a y .
H . C r i c h to n Mi l l e r i n h i s b o o k The
New Psychology And The Teacher s u g
gests t h a t t h e two most com m o n cau ses
of fi x at i o n a nd /o r reg ress i o n a re

1 ) dom

ineering parental authority, a n d 2) a too

harsh presentation of reality. Dom i neer i ng
pa renta l

a ut h o r i ty

stifles

i n d i v i d u a l i ty

a n d s e l f-ex press i o n ; a perso n ca n mat u re

o n l y to t h e exte nt t h a t he i s a l l owed to
be h i m se l f . He i s a u n iq u e person a n d
m u st be a l l owed to be a n d express w h at
he i s . A p rese n tat i o n of rea l i ty wh ich
see m s too h a rs h i s p uzzl i ng to a ch i l d
a n d becomes too m uc h fo r h i s powers of
81

ad j u stment; a n d so he does not fol low

h is predom i n a ntly biolog ica l u rge to
g row u p, but fixates or reg resses to es
cape the cha l lenge .
Fixation represents a n arrested emo

tiona l development. It i s usua l ly a case

of a pron stri ngs, "smother love," and ex
cessive dependence on the thoug hts a n d
decisions o f others . Regression is a retu rn
ing to a lower stage of deve lopme nt; it
i s l iving in the past. "Backward, tu rn
backwa rd , 0 Ti me,/ I n you r flig ht./Ma ke
me a ch i l d aga i n , j u st/ For ton i g h t. "
(El iza beth Akers A l len) It i s the "Old
Oa ken Bucket Com plex" (d. poem by
Wi l l i a m Wordsworth) : "How dear to th i s
heart a re the/Scenes o f m y ch i d l hood,/
When fond reco l lection presents them to
view . " Memory often d i storts the possi
b i l ities of the past, a n d g l a morizes what
m ight have bee n . (d. We nde l l White
The Psychology Of Dealing With People,

p. 75 .) Regression is we l l-i l l u strated i n

the so-ca l led "g rown-u p" w h o d e l i g hts
in the co l l ege reu n ion or busi ness con
vention so h e ca n act l i ke a "kid" ag a i n .
Reg ress ion i s usua l ly a return to a
poi nt of p revious fixatio n . For exam ple,
82

the devoted daughter, who was the l ittle

darl i n g of her pa rents, may be i m pel l ed
to run home to them when her m a rri age
becomes d ifficu lt. She may wa nt to re
g ress to the stage or poi nt of fixation
when she was a l ittle d a r l i ng ; she re
fuses to accept the c h a l lenge of bei n g a
g rown-up mother a nd wife. The dom i
n a nt motive for such reg ression, as we
have said, i s usu a l ly the re l ucta nce to ac
cept new cha l lenges a nd respon s i b i l ities.
C h i l d ren who have been p a m pered
(a nd th is appl ies ch iefly to the ages of
th ree to twe lve), who have bee n gi ven
everyth i ng and asked noth i ng, a re often
pre-disposed to reg ress l ater in l ife to
ca nta n kerous a n d ch i l d ish bids for atten
tions. Frustrations and a nger, a l so, if
carried i nside of a person too long with
out the venti lation of conversation with
another, tend to res u l t in regression.
Maturati on and Needs
Infancy is the period covering the
fi rst two yea rs of l ife. We m u st reca l l
what we have said a bout anx iety and i ts
tra n s m i ssion d u r i ng i nfancy. Here the
stress m u st be p l aced o n the positive

83

needs of the ch i l d at t h i s stage. The i n

fa nt's chief need i s for tender love wh ich
i s com m u n icated p r i m a r i l y th rough the
sense of touch. If a n i nfant is shown
m uch love and g i ven the sense t h at he is
lovea ble d u r i ng th i s period , he wi l l g row
u p to expect friend l i ness from others and
be more d i sposed to love others h i mself .
I t shou ld be rema rked that i nfa ncy i s a
h u m a n bei ng's fi rst i m press ion of l ife .
I n genera l , it i s necessary that th i s first
i m pression be one of sec u r ity, tender
ness, a n d love. I nfa ncy i s not the stage
in wh ich ch i ld ren ca n be "spo i l ed".
Childhood embraces the t h i rd to the

twe lfth yea r of l ife. It is d u r i ng th i s peri

od that a person beg i n s to esta b l ish h i s
o w n i nd ivid u a l ity and se lf-esteem . Par
ents m u st g u a rd a g a i n st the two extremes
of over-protection a nd re jectio n. C h i l
d ren who a re over-protected, for whom
pa rents do everyth i ng a n d whose every
activity is su pervi sed with eager pa renta l
eyes, a re never ta ught the self- re l i a nce
that is a part of g row i ng u p . They a re
not bei ng prepa red to accept h a rdsh i ps.
They a re not bei ng tra i ned to m a ke re
sponsible decisions.
84

The g reatest acco m pl i s h ment d u r i ng

the period of ch i l dhood is tra i n i ng i n so
c i a l ization. A ch i ld m ust be ta ught to
s h a re a n d cooperate, to rel i n q u i sh the
se lf-ce ntered world of the i nfant. About
the age of th ree a ch i ld tries to g row i n
to relationsh i ps w ith others; a nd at the
same time he i s busy try i n g to become a
u n i q ue somebody. When he becomes
fru strated or d i sorie nted by th is dou b le
effort, he comes i nto what is known as
"the age of resi sta nce" . He resorts to
host i l e refusa l s. He m a y try to return to
being a ba by aga i n , or i ntroverted ly to
turn away from rea l ity. He may try to
con sole h i m se lf w ith th u m b sucki ng; he
m ight exh i bit spitef u l rebe l l io n , res i st
feed i n g , and stage tem per ta ntru m s.
However, by age five he u s u ally recove rs
and has developed a clearer concept of
h is own persona l status a n d the wisdom
of a d u lt a uthority.
The most cr itica l problem i n ch i ld
hood i s that of discipline. The ce ntra l d i
rective i s t h i s : g i ve as few com m a nds as
a re strictly req u i red a nd then see that
they a re carried out. To g ive too ma ny
com m a n d s wi l l seem justifiably u n rea
sonable to a ch i ld and he w i l l rebe l. D u r85

i n g th i s period, parenta l d i sci p l i ne shou l d

g rad u a l l y y i e l d t o self-d i sci p l i ne. O n l y
b y practice c a n a ch i ld develop self-re l i
a nce and a sense of perso n a l responsi
b i l ity.
A second very serious problem wh ich

often occurs in th is stage is th at of jeal

ousy. If the older c h i l d isn't g iven some

time excl usively for h i m se lf and some

exp l a n ation that the new baby has more
needs, is more h e l pl ess, etc. , h i s jea lousy
ca n lead to a nger and even hatred of h i s
parents. There m ig ht a l so occur i n h i m
fee l i ngs of fa i l u re and shame and pos
s i b ly a lasti ng resentment for the you ng
er ch i l d who i s the object of h i s jea lousy.
Usua l ly th i s jea lousy can be foresta l led
by g ivi ng the older ch i l d rig hts of sen ior
ity, by encou rag i ng h i m to h e l p with the
care of the baby, and by consistently re
m i n d i ng h i m of h i s own u n iq ue persona l
worth .
Adolescence i s the period that ex

tends by defi n ition from age twe l ve to

twenty-one. Ado l escence has been ca l led
the period of "storms and stress". Our
America n type civi l ization creates m uch
of th i s stra i n , storm and stress by its own
86

' -" i
.

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.d

. of'l

_
:: /:.

. ,.,

, ;- :.,,-<'
:"
. . ..

-J::>I

". . "

,' ( .

.-.

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. .:.i;4iA
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feel the capacity to care

is the thing which gives life
its deepest significance.
... I

Pablo Casals

pressu res a n d choices. Fo r exam ple, the

you ng person m u st decide about going
to co l l ege, accept i n g po l itica l affi l i atio n ,
ach ievi ng self-su pport, choos ing a pro
fession , a n d esta b l i sh i ng wholesome re
l ationsh ips with the oppos ite sex.
I n o u r America n cu ltu re pa rents often
u n know i n g l y emp loy ce rta i n mea n s that
deepen the storm and stress of adoles
cence. T h i s is depriving the young of
emotio n a l sec u r ity by offering or with
d rawing signs of affection as a sou rce of
coercion. So m a n y pa rents offer s i g n s of
love on ly on the cond ition of su rrender
to the i r w i l l a n d w h i m s. Li kewi se, m a n y
pa rents goad the i r c h i l d ren i nto a re lent
less pursuit of success by th reate n i ng to
withd raw the i r love in case of fa i l u re.
Th i s th reat of rejection s u bjects ch i l d ren
to serious emotion a l stra i n by m a k i ng
them fee l that they m u st be good or
s m a rt, etc. In genera l , ch i l d ren can en
d u re serious emotion a l stra i n from other
sou rces if the tender and lov i ng care of
the i r pa rents i s present.
The m a i n co nfli ct i n the adolescent i s
between two tendencies: gregariousness
a n d individuation. The ado lescent seeks
88

to be accepted by oth e rs (g reg a r i o usness)

and at the s a m e t i m e h e see ks to be h i m
se l f ( in d i v i d u ation). Confo r m ity a p p e a r s
to be the p r i ce o f popu l a r i ty , a n d ye t it
asks

the

s u b m iss i o n

of

i n d i v i d u a l i ty .

Adol escents w h o m a ke th i s s u b m i ss i on
s l a v i s h l y do not b u i l d u p a sen se of who
a n d w h at they rea l l y a re, and a re con se
q u ent l y

confu sed .

Confo r m ity

to

the

peer g ro u p a n d t h e acceptance o f t h e
m a n y sta t u s sy m bo l s o f a d o l escent so
c iety can tend to i m p riso n you n g m e n
o r women j u st w h en t h ey a re see k ing to
be f ree a n d to be t h e m se l ves . T h e m o re
acceptance an a d o l escent receives in h i s
own h o m e a n d from h i s ow n fa m i l y , t h e
l e s s he w i l l b e s u b jected t o t h e pressu r e s
of h is p e e r g rou p a n d the less h e w i l l be
i nc l i ned to conform to th e i r a rb itra ry
sta n d a rd s .
T h e te n s ion i s concrete l y between so
c i a l a ccepta nce and the de n i a l of ind i v i
d u a l i t y . T h e a d o l esce n t i s to rn betwee n
the a c h i evement of person a l co nfi dence
and u n d e r l y i ng uncerta i n ty . H e s i n cere l y
q u estions a n swers g i ven h i m , yet he c a n
a ppea r very s u re of h i m se l f . Th i s su re
ness i s u s u a l l y a com pensatory cover o r
m a s k for h i s u ncerta i nty. T h e d o u bts h e
89

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h a s a re e n co u rag ing sym pto m s of inte l

l ect u a l awa ke n i n g . H e q uestio n s a ut h o r
i ty a n d even h i s re l ig io u s f a i t h . He i s t ry
i ng to m a ke h i s conv icti o n s h i s ow n . H e
m ust never be sco l ded f o r t h i s . I t i s t h e
t i m e of l ife w h e n h e most n e e d s the sen
s i ti ve sym pathy of h i s p a re nts .
The a d o l esce nt i s especia l l y se n s itive
to c r.itici s m a n d d i spa ragement. He needs
a b u n d a nt

affect i o n ,

e n c o u r a g e m e n t,

p ra i se a nd atte n t i o n to cou nteract t h e

demora l iz i ng e x pe r i e nces of the c l ass
room , the ath l etic fi e l d a n d the scra m b l e
for soc i a l accepta nce . Bragg i ng o r be l it
t l i ng oth ers is o n l y h is w a y to conce a l
perso n a l i n secur ity, a n d i ts i m po rta nce
s h o u l d not be exaggerated . Those w h o
vo l u nteer t o "ta ke h i m dow n a peg" d o
h i m a g reat d i sservice.
The most se r i o u s a d j u stment of the
a d o l esce nt i s the e m a ncipation from fam
i l y bo n d s . Ove r protect ive o r possess ive
p a rents a re te r r i b l y f r u strating to h i m ,
a n d h e m a y deve l o p a n a l lergy for a l l
a ut h o r i ty a s a res u l t . H e m a y even try to
a ppea r to be d i rty or d i sheveled to serve
notice to the w o r l d that a l l pa renta l tra in
i ng in c l ea n l i n ess has bee n s uccessfu l l y
92

re jected . The emanci pation that shou ld

be t a k i ng p l ace d u r i n g t h i s ti me i n vo l ves
" . . . emergence from parenta l supervi
sion, re l i a nce u pon t h e sec u rity that one
ca n g i ve h i m se lf rather t h a n u pon the
sec u r ity provided by parents, develop
ment of a n attitude towa rd parents as
friends rather th a n as p rotectors a nd
supervisors, p l a n n i ng of one's own t i m e
a n d m a k i n g one's own dec i s ion w ithout
over-bea r i n g pa renta l contro L" (d. Lue l l a
Co le, The Psychology of Adolescent, 3 rd
ed it i o n , p. 7.)
The prob lem of the sexu a l u rge i s a
very rea l sou rce of confusion to the ado
lesce nt. If he i s to lea r n the true re l ation
ship between sex a n d love, it i s i m po r
tant that he fee l free to d i scu ss these
matters ope n l y and w ithout shame with
h i s parents. He m u st be hel ped to accept
h i s new sex u a l fee l i ngs as norm a l , n a
tu ra l a n d good . He m ust a l so learn the
w i sdom of self-contro l . Sex u a l i nd u l
gence i s very com mon l y a sign of regres
sion to p r i m itive and i nfa nti le forms of
sat i sfaction and g ratification . To matu re
in th is matter of sex u a l ity w i l l genera l l y
bring with it tota l matu ration; to fa i l to
g row i n th i s a rea usua l ly ca u ses fixatio n s
93

or reg ression. Sexu a l i nd u lgence does

not afford a m uch needed fee l i ng of se
c u rity nor wi l l it satisfy affectio n a l a nd
emotiona l needs. I f, however, the affec
tiona l and emotiona l needs of adoles
cence are sati sfied i n co ntro l led re l ation
sh i ps with members of the opposite sex
a n d with i n h is own fam i l y, the sex u a l
u rge w i l l b e far easier for t h e adolescent
to control. Masturbation and other effo rts
at sex u a l se lf-g ratification a re usua l l y
symptom atic of reta rdation or reg ression
i n perso n a l development. Such i nd u l
gence ed ucates the deepest neu ro-vege
tative i n sti ncts i n m a n to see k p r i m a r i l y
persona l g ratification. U n less these i n
sti ncts a re correctly ed ucated i n adoles
cence, there w i l l be a deep a nd perma
nent sta m p of se lfish ness on the person
at the i nsti nctua l leve l , and th i s w i l l be a
serious, if not i n s u perable, obstacle to
the abi l ity to love.
Positive vs N egative
Reinforcements of the W i l l

Someti mes we spea k of the w i l l as

thoug h it were a m u scle, either strong or
wea k. Th i s m a n ner of s pea k i ng ca n eas
i l y obscu re a very i m portant rea l ity about
94

h u m a n conduct. The wi l,! is not itse lf

'
wea k or strong i n us; It i s rather o u r /mo
tiva tio n that is wea k .($'r;. strong . It is also
i m porta nt to rea l ize fh f..(easons for good .
cond uct a re not the Sa'a$ motives.. We
.
\ "
rna
might wel l enu merate
ny good. "e
"' -

b ut they re
move us. The

sons for doi ng th i s or t h at,

not motives u n less they

latin word movere means "to move" and
it i s th is word from which our word
motive is derived .

Beca u se , as we said i n the beg i n n i n g ,

every person is u n ique, it i s a l so true that
what wi l l move one person m i g ht wel l
leave a nother co l d . I f a good rea son i s to
become a motive for the w i l l , its good
ness m u st be somehow exposed to the
person i n q uestion. The i m position of
authority ca n not, i n itself, p rod uce v i rtue;
it may we l l prod uce conform ity, but con
form ity is not a lways v i rtue. Virtue m u st
come from with i n a perso n . It m ust be
the p rod uct of a n i nterior act of the wi l l
see k i ng a good, a nd the w i l l responds
only to motives whose good i s recog
n ized .
Psycholog i sts, i n studying h u ma n
motivation, h ave fou n d that positive re95

i nforceme nts of the w i l l (reward for good

con d uct) a re i n fi n ite l y more effective than
negative rei nforcements (pu n i s h ments for
ba d con d uct). To be con sta ntly critica l of
a you n g person is obviously a da ngerous
th i ng . It tends to u nderm i ne his confi
dence and to m a ke a l l a uthority obnoxi
ous. However, if one ta kes the approach
of positive rei nfo rceme nts, tend i ng to
overlook sma l l fa i l u res in cond uct but
never fa i l i n g to recog n ize and rewa rd
(at least w ith a k i n d word) the desi red
cond uct, the effect wi l l be a l most magi
ca l . It is a n i l l ustration of the power re
leased i n the creation of a good self
i m age: most people wi l l be in the i r con
d uct what we te l l them they a re.
If we bu i ld pedesta ls, you ng people
wi l l c l i m b u p o n them; if we keep our
hands on the edge of the rug, a lways
ready to pu l l it out from u nder them,
there ca n only be trouble ahead.

96

CAUTION

human beings

LEARNING TO LOVE

The w h o l e p rocess of m at u ratio n de

p e n d s on how we react to the d iffi c u l ties
or c h a l l e n g e s of l ife. The im m atu re per
son sees o n l y the d iffic u l ties : they a re so
c l ose to h is n e a r-sig hted eyes t h at h e ca n
see o n l y t h e prob l e m s a n d p a ys very l it
t l e atte ntion to h is own reaction w h ich
is, in fact, the c r itica l and defi n itive t h ing .
D iffi c u l t ies pass, b u t o u r react io n to them
does not. As W i l l ia m J a mes has s u g gest
ed , there m a y be a God in h e ave n w h o
forg ives u s o u r s i n s , b u t h u m a n n ature
does not. They a re m e m o r ized in o u r
m i n d s , m u sc l e s, fi be rs, a n d b r a i n -ce l l s .
Each reactio n , m a t u re o r im m atu re, l in
gers on in us a s the beg i n n in g of a h a bit.
Re peated m atu re reactio n s te n d to pro
d uce the for m ed h a b its of ma t u r ity w h ich
d efi n e u s . Re peated im m atu re reactio n s
d ig their own g rooves .
The

C h r ist ia n

m u st

a l wa y s

a ccept

h imse l f in h is p resent, p i l g r i m a n d h u
m a n cond itio n , w h ich w i l l i n e v ita b l y in
vo l ve f a i l u re . I dea l s m u st a l ways be in
trod uced to the test of a ctu a l e x pe r ie nce,
99

and i n t h is i ntrod uction o u r idea ls, wh ich

very often sou nd bea utif u l , become a
st ruggle, a ren u nc i ation , a batt l e for con
tro l of self, a wi l l i ng ness to sta rt aga i n i n
the wa ke of fa i l u res, a l ucid accepta nce
of the m ystery of the cross.
It is not the prob lem, a n d i n th is case
not the i so l ated failure that is critica l , de
fi n itive, a n d paramou nt. I t is o u r reaction
to it. The reaction of the C h r i sti a n m ust
a lways be suffused with a confide nce
nourished by the conviction that God and
he a re a m a jority, even stronger th a n h i s
own wea kness. T h e process of m atu ra
tion as a Ch r i sti a n and as a h u m a n bei ng
w i l l i nevita b l y be m a r ked by fa i l u res,
but the o n l y rea l fa i l u re is to q u it. When
the s ituation gets tou g h , the C h r i st i a n
m ust get tougher. He m u st become big
ger than h i s problems. In the end , such
dete r m i nation to love wi l l bring h i m to
the feet of love itself, wh ich is his eter
n a l victory in the victorious C h r i st.
The Paradox of Love

A l l of us experience at some time or

a nother a fee l i ng of lone l i ness and i so l a
tion, a very pa i nf u l void i nside of o u r1 00

se l ves t h a t beco mes a n u n be a ra b l e pris

on. We h a ve a l l fe lt at so m e time a l ie n
ated from oth e rs , sepa rated from t h e
g ro u p , a l o n e a n d l o n e l y . B y its v e r y n a
t u re th is l o n e l iness . l i ke a l l of o u r tooth
aches, centers t h e foc u s o f atte n t ion o n
o u rs e l ve s . We seek t o fi l l t h is void, t o
satisfy t h i s h u ng e r . . . w e g o o u t t o fi n d
oth ers w h o w i l l l ove u s .
W e m a y d o t h i n g s for t h e m i n a n
obvio u s atte m pt to g a in t h e i r l o v e . We
m a y co m e to t h e m w it h h a n d s stretched
out l i ke pa n-sca l e s . O n the one h a nd is
our d o n ation to them, t h e other h a nd be
ing exte nded to receive their d o n a t ion to
us. We may even be d ece ived into t h i n k
ing t h a t th is is loving .
We know t h a t ou r l o n e l iness c a n be
fi l led o n l y by t h e l o ve of oth e r s . We
k now t h a t we m u st fee l love d . T h e para
dox is th is : if we see k to fi l l the void of
o u r o w n l o n e l iness in see k i n g love from
others, we w i l l inevita b l y fi n d no con so
l ation but o n l y a deeper d e s o l a t io n . I t i s
true t h a t "Yo u ' re N o body T i l l Somebod y
Loves Yo u . " O n l y the person w h o h a s
expe r ie n ced love i s ca p a b l e o f g rowing .
I t is a frig hte n in g b u t true rea l ity of h u -

101

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m a n l ife th at, by loving me or ref u s i ng

to love me, others hold the potenti a l of
m y matu r ity i n the i r h a n d s. Most of us,
d r i ve n by o u r own ach i ng needs and
vo ids, add ress l ife a n d other peop le in
the sta nce of see kers. We become what
C . S. lewis, i n h i s book, The Four Loves,
ca l l s " . . . those pathetic people who
s i m p l y want friends and ca n never m a ke
a n y . The very cond ition of h a v i n g friends
i s that we shou ld want someth i n g e l se
bes ides f r iends . " Most of u s know o u r
need t o b e loved a n d try t o see k the love
that we need from others . But the pa ra
dox rema i n s u ncom prom i sed; if we seek
the love wh ich we need , we w i l l never
find it. We a re lost.
love ca n effect the so l ution of o u r
problems, b u t w e m u st face the fact that
to be loved, we m ust become lovea b l e .
W h e n a person orients h i s l ife towa rds
the satisfaction of h i s own needs, when
he goes out to see k the love wh ich he
needs, no m atter how we try to soften
o u r judgments of h i m , he is se lf-cente red .
He i s not loveable, even if he does de
serve o u r compassion . He is concentrat
i ng on h i m se lf, and as long as he con
tin ues to concentrate on h i m se lf, h i s
1 04

abi l ity to love wi l l a l ways rem a i n stu nted

and he wi l l h i mself rem a i n a peren n i a l
i nfa nt.
I f, however, a person seeks not to
receive love, but rather to g i ve it, he w i l l
become loveable a n d h e w i l l most cer
ta i n l y be loved i n the end. Th i s is the
i m m uta b l e law u nder wh ich we l i ve: con
cern for o u rse lf and conve rgence u pon
se lf ca n o n l y isol ate self and i nd uce a n
even deeper a nd more torturou s lon e l i
ness. It i s a vicious a n d terrible cyc le t h at
closes i n on us when lone l i ness, seek i ng
to be rel ieved th ro u g h the l ove of othe rs,
o n l y i ncreases.
The o n l y way we can break th is cyc le
formed by o u r l usti ng egos i s to stop be
ing concerned with ourselves and to begin

This, of
cou rse, i s not easy. To re locate the focus
of one's m i nd from se lf to others ca n, i n
fact, mea n a l i feti me o f effort a n d wor k.
It is made more d ifficu lt because we m u st
put others i n the forefront, i n p l ace of
ou rse l ves. We m u st learn to respond to
the needs of others w ithout see k i ng the
sati sfaction of our own needs.
to

be

concerned with

others.

1 05

I n h i s book, Religion and Personality,

psycholog i st-priest Ad r i a n van Ka a m i n
sists that if a nyone see ks h i s own h a ppi
ness a nd f u lfi l l ment, he wi l l never find
them; but adds that, if one does fi nd h i s
ow n happi ness and f u lfi l l ment, it wi l l be
beca u se he h a s forgotten h i m se lf to seek
the happi ness and f u lfi l l ment of those
a round h i m . The problem is that we a re
a l l c l utch i n g to o u r own l ife-rafts . We
a re tem pted to fasci nation with o u r own
se lf-f u lfi l l ment and everyth i ng we do i s
somehow desig ned t o ach ieve our ow n
safety and h a pp i ness . We can be se lfish
i n very refi ned a n d subtle ways. Such
preoccu pation with se lf i s a n a bso l ute
obstac le to h u m a n happi ness a n d f u lfi l l
ment, because h u m a n happi ness a n d f u l
fil l ment can be atta i ned o n l y through
gen u i ne love. Each of us m u st m a ke a
basic decision about how we i nte nd to
spend o u r l i ves. If we decide to spe nd
our l ives in the p u r s u i t of our own h a p
pi ness a n d f u lfi l l ment, we a re dest i ned
to fa i l u re and deso l atio n . If we decide to
spend ou r l i ves see k i n g the f u lfi llment
and happi ness of others, a n d th i s is what
is i m p l ied i n love, we sh a l l certa i n l y at
ta i n o u r own happi ness and f u lfi l l ment.
1 06

The person w h o wants on l y h i s own

f u l fi l l ment, or who dec i d e s to love in
order that h e be fu lfi l l e d , w i l l find t h at
h i s love i s in v a i n beca u se the focus re
m a i n s on h i m se l f . A person can g row
on l y as m uch as h i s h o r i zon a l lows, a n d
the pe rson w h o dec i des t o l ove i n order
to be fu lfi l led and h a ppy w i l l be d i s a p
pointed and w i l l n ot g row bec a u se t h e
h o r i zon i s sti l l h i m se l f . Con seq uently, we
ca nnot conce i v e of l ove i n a n y way as a
m e a n s of s e l f-fu lfi l l m e n t, beca u se if we
do we w i l l sti l l be w i t h i n the treach e ro u s
v i c i o u s c i rc l e , trave l i n g a l ways f r o m o u r
o w n n e e d s t h r o u g h oth ers and b a c k i n to
ou r se l ve s . We cannot ever u se others as
m e a n s . T h e y m u st a l ways be t h e end
object of love . We w i l l atta in m atu r i ty
on l y in p roport ion to the s h ift i n g of t h e
foc u s o f o u r m in d s a wa y f r o m o u rse l ves
and our own needs and away from t h e
se l f-ce nte red d es i re t o s a t i s f y t h o s e
need s .
lov i n g oth e rs c a n b e tru l y accom
p l i sh ed on l y w h en the focu s of o u r m i nd s
a n d t h e o b j ect o f o u r desi res i s a noth e r,
w h en a l l of our act i v i ty res u lts from con
cern for anothe r a n d not f rom conce rn
fo r o u rse l ve s . We h a ve sa i d that if a p e r1 07

son tru l y loves i n th i s way, he wi l l be

loved a n d he sho u l d accept the love of
others. However the d e l u sion to be avoid
ed at a l l costs i s to love i n order to re
ceive th i s retu r n . I m u st, as C h r i st sug
gests, lose m y l ife before I ca n g a i n it.
I m u st find out that the o n l y rea l receiv
i ng i s i n g iv i n g . I have to lose my l ife
and I ca n not lose it if I a lways h ave it
clea r l y before my own m i n d .
I n other words, love means a con
cer n for, accepta nce of, and an i nterest
in the others a ro u n d me whom I am try
i ng to love. It is a self-donation wh ich
may p rove to be an a lta r of sacr ifice . I
ca n love others o n l y to the extent they
a re tru ly the focus of my m i nd, hea rt,
a n d l ife; a n d I can fi n d myself o n l y by
forgetting myself. Love is i ndeed costl y
a nd dema n d i n g . Beca u se o f t h e i nward
p a i n s that a l l of u s bea r, the sca r tissues
that a re part of our h u m a n i n he rita nce,
beca u se of the com petition a n d exa mple
of a se lf-g rasping wor l d , it w i l l be d iffi
cu lt for u s to m a ke the sacrifice of our
selves th at i s i nvo lved i n lov i n g . Loving
a lways mea n s at least th i s sacrifice, the
orientation of m y thoug hts a n d desi res
towards others a n d the aba ndonment of
1 08

my own self and self-i nterest. Need less

to say, such aba ndo n ment a lways i n
vo lves a h ig h cost to self.
But if a l ife of love i s d ifficu l t, it i s
not a bleak o r u n rewa rd i ng l ife. I n fact,
it is the o n l y tru l y h u m a n a n d h a p py l ife
for it is fI "ed w ith concerns that a re a s
deep as l i fe, as wide as the whole wor l d ,
a n d as far reach i ng as eternity. It i s o n l y
when w e have consented t o love, and
have ag reed to forget o u rse l ves, that we
ca n fi nd our fu lfi l l ment. It w i l l com e u n
perceived and mysterious l i ke the G race
of God , but we w i l l recog n ize it a nd i t
w i l l b e recog n ized i n u s . W e wi " have
made the Copern ica n revol ution that
relocates the focus of our m i nds and
hea rts on the good a n d fu l fl " ment of
others; a nd a lthough th i s con version has
sought noth i ng for itse l f, it h a s received
everyth i ng . The lovea b l e person is, i n the
l a st a n a lysis, the one who h a s made the
conse nt to love.
So often we demand that others love
us w ithout bei ng wi l l i ng to m a ke the
sacrifice and abandonment of se lf that i s
necessa ry to becom e loveable. However,
if a nyone has mastered the d e l icate and
p rofound pa radox that love i nvo lves,
1 09

a n d h a s bee n w i l l i ng to dedicate h i mself

without reservation or dem a nd for return
to the needs a n d fu lfi l l ment of others,
he wi l l certa i n ly be loved and f u l fi l led
with i n h i m self.
But how ca n we love if we have
never been loved ? Between b l ack a n d
wh ite there i s a l ways a n a rea o f g r a y .
A l l o f u s h ave some capacity t o love,
some abi l ity to move the focu s of o u r
m i nds out from o u rselves t o t h e need s,
happi ness, and f u l fi l l ment of others. To
the extent that we do th is, to the exte nt
that we actu a l ize th i s potenti a l that is
l atent with i n u s, we w i l l be loved. Even
if at the beg i n n i ng we can love o n l y a
l ittle, we sha l l be loved a l ittle; and the
love that we rece ive w i l l em power u s to
g row more a n d more out of o u rse lves i n
the d i rection that love leads. Th is, then ,
i s t h e ch a l lenge that l ies before each of
us: we m u st uti l ize wh atever capacity,
be it sma l l or g reat, we have for love. To
the extent that we a re w i l l i ng to m a ke
the effort a n d ded ication that i s i nvo lved ,
we w i l l be nou r i shed a n d strengthened
by the love that we s h a l l receive in re
turn; but we m u st remember th at, i n
m a k i ng th i s self-donation, the focus of
1 12

o u r m i nd s m ust a lways be away from

self and t h i s prec l udes th i n k i ng of or a s k
i ng for a retu r n . Whe n we a s k that q ues
tion : "Wh at Have You Done For Me?" we
have cea sed to l ove .
Christ and Love

C h r i st our Lord l eft no dou bt about

the credenti a l of the C h r i sti a n . He sa i d ,
" B y th i s s h a l l men k now that y o u a re m y
d i sc i p les, that you love one another . . .
love one a nother a s I h ave l oved you . .
th i s i s a l l I com m a n d you that you love
one a nother." Sa i nt J o h n rem i n d s us i n
h i s Fi rst Epistle that i t i s i m possi ble to
love God whom we do not see and not
love those a rou n d us whom we do see.
.

A l l of these th i ngs we h a ve read, a n d

per h a ps w e p a y t h e m more l i p servi ce
th a n l ife service. We know that Ch r i st
ta kes a s done to' h i m self w h at we do to
others; he accepts a s g iven to h i mself
our concern and k i n d ness for others. I n
the d a i l y battle, however, when o u r ow n
needs a re so th robb i n g a n d pa i nf u l , we
forget.
The o n l y attitude worthy of the Ch r i s
ti a n is that of C h r i st, who thought of
others a lways, who gave h imself u nti l
1 13

he had not a nother d rop of blood to

g i ve. I n h i s own words, "Greater love
th a n th i s no m a n h a s th a n that he l ay
down h i s l ife for h i s friend ." Th i s is, of
cou rse, what love asks of u s, that we l a y
down o u r l ives for others. O n l y w h e n we
h a ve con sented to do th is wi l l we fi nd
ou rse l ves, ou r own happi ness a n d fu lfi l l
ment, and o n l y then wi l l we be true C h r i s
tia n s . I f we fa i l to do th is, per h a ps there
wi l l be some j u stification in the q ues
tions that the a g n o s t i c p h i l o s o p h e r,
N ietzsche, once asked : "If Christi a n s
w i s h u s t o be l ieve i n the i r Redeemer,
why don't they look a l ittle more re
deemed ? " It was th i s same N ietzsche
who coi ned the ph rase, so sad ly common
i n o u r own days: "God i s dead ."
Love of Christ in the
Love of Christians

I n the 1 920's, the p h i losopher of

America n Com m u n is m was a Jew na med
Mi ke Go l d . After com m u n ism fel l i nto
genera l d i srepute i n th i s cou ntry, M i ke
Go l d beca me a m a n of obl ivion . I n th is
o b l i vion he wrote a boo k, A Jew Without
Knowing It. I n descri b i ng h is ch i ld hood i n
New York City, he te l l s o f h i s mother's
114

i n structions never to wa nder beyo nd

fou r certa i n streets. She cou ld not te l l
h i m that i t was a Jewish ghetto . She
cou ld not te l l h i m that he had the wrong
k i n d of b l ood in h i s vei ns. Ch i l d ren do
not u n dersta nd pre j u d ice. P rejud ice is a
poi son that m ust gradua l l y seep i nto a
person's b lood strea m .
I n h i s na rration, Mi ke Go ld te l l s of
the day that curiosity l u red h i m beyo nd
the fou r streets, outside of his ghetto,
and of how he was accosted by a group
of o l der boys who asked h i m a p uzzl i ng
q uestion : " Hey, kid, a re you a kike?" "I
don't know . " He h a d never heard the
word before. The older boys ca m e back
with a paraph rase of their q uestion . "Are
you a C h r i st-ki l ler?" Ag a i n , the sm a l l
boy responded, " I don't know. He h a d
never hea rd t h a t wo rd e i t h e r . So t h e o l d
er boys a s ked h i m where he l i ved, a n d
tra i ned l i ke most s m a l l boys to recite
the i r add ress i n the case of bei ng lost,
M i ke Gol d to ld them where he l ived .
"So you a re a ki ke; you a re a Ch r i st-ki l l e r .
We " you're i n C h r i st i a n territory a nd we
a re C h r isti a n s . We're goi ng to teach you
to stay where you be long !" And so they
beat the l ittle boy, b l ood ied his face a n d
II

1 15

to re h i s clothes a n d sent h i m home to the

jee r i n g l ita n y : "We a re Ch risti a n s and
you k i l led Christ! Stay where you be
long ! We are C h r i st i a ns, and you k i l led
C h r i st . . . ".
When he a r r i ved home, M i ke Go l d
was asked b y h i s frig htened mother:
"Wh at h a ppened to you , M i ke?" He
cou l d a n swer o n l y : " I don't know . " "Who
d id th i s to you, M i ke ? " Aga i n he a n
swered : " I don't know. " And so the
mother washed the blood from the face
of her l itt le boy a n d put h i m i n to fresh
c lothes a nd too k h i m i nto her lap as she
sat in a rocker, a nd tried to soothe h i m .
M i ke Go l d reca l l ed so m uch l ater i n l i fe
that he ra i sed h i s sma l l battered l i ps to
the ear of h i s mother a n d asked : "Ma m a ,
who i s C h r i st ? "
M i ke Go l d d i ed i n 1 967. H i s l a st
mea l s were ta ken at a Catho l ic Cha rity
house i n New Yor k City, r u n by Do rothy
Day. She once sa id of h i m : "Mi ke Go l d
eats every day at t h e ta ble o f C h r i st, but
he wi l l proba b l y never accept h i m be
ca use of the day he fi rst hea rd h i s name.
And so he d ied .
II

For better or for worse C h r i st h a s

ta ken u s a s h i s l i v i ng symbo l s i n th i s
1 16

wo r l d . The wor l d that is a s k i ng whether

God i s dead or not, the wor l d that is a s k
i ng who C h r i st is c a n fi n d its a n swers
o n l y in the Ch r i sti a n . For better or for
worse, we a re Ch rist to the wor l d .
A l most any othe r apo l ogetic for the
C h r i st i a n faith can be memorized, re
hea rsed , a nd d e l i ve red w ithout effect
except the apologetic of love. Love,
wh ich of its essence seeks o n l y the good
of others a nd is wi l l i ng to pay the h ig h
price o f se lf-forgetfu l ness, is a prod uct
wh ich i s h a rd to i m i tate o r cou nterfe it.
To love, one m u st h a ve e normous
motivatio n . In a g r a sping wor l d , in a
wor l d w h i ch i s goug i ng a n d claw i ng for
the r iches of th i s wor l d , the Ch r i stian by
his love m u st sta nd forth as a breath
ta k i ng exceptio n . The true C h risti a n m u st
seek o n l y the good , the f u l fi l l ment a nd
the desti n y of h i s fe l low m a n . Love w i l l
a lways be h i s most e loq uent a rg u m e nt
a n d effecti ve mea n s . It i s d ifficu lt. And
yet the Lord C h r i st of the Gospe l s sta nds
w ith us, a nd it becomes our C h rist i a n
i m perative: "By th i s s h a l l m e n k now that
you a re m y d isci p les, that you l ove one
a nother ."
1 17

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. .

E PILOGUE
T h e poet, Arch iba l d MacLe i s h , h a s
s a i d t h a t m e n a re affected m o re by sy m
bo l s th a n b y idea s . T h e sy m bo l o f l o n e l i
ness, he says, is two l i g h ts a bove t h e
sea; the s y m b o l of g r ief i s a so l ita ry fI g
u re sta n d in g in a doorwa y . T h e sy m bo l
o f C h r i st i n th is wo r l d i s t h e C h r istia n .
Over the a lta rs of o u r c h u rches there
h a n g s a l a rge c r uc i fi x . U nd e r the crucifix
there i s t h e u nw r itte n captio n : "Greater
Love th a n th is n o m a n has . . . l o ve o n e
a noth e r a s I h a ve l oved you . " I t i s a co n
sta n t rem i n der of o u r voca t io n a s w it
n esses to C h rist.
T h e re is a sto ry to l d a bo u t t h e Eva n
g e l i st St . J o h n , the one w h o wrote "God
i s love . . , if a n y m a n te l l s m e that h e
loves G o d w h o m h e d o e s not s e e , b u t
does n o t l ove h is brot h e r w h om h e does
see, h e i s s im p l y a l ia r . " I t is of th is J o h n
that the sto ry is to l d t h a t, in the even i n g
of h i s l o n g l ife, he wou l d s it for hou r s
w ith h is yo u n g e r d i sc ip l e s g ath e red at
h is feet. One day, a s i t is re l ated in th is
we l l

esta b l i s h ed

tr a d iti o n ,

one of h is

d i sc ip l e s com p l a i ned : "Joh n , yo u a l w a y s

ta l k a bo u t l o v e , a bo u t God 's l o v e for u s
1 19

a nd a bout o u r love for one a nother.

Why don't you tel l u s a bout someth i ng
e l se besides love ? " The d isci ple who
once, as a youth, had laid his head over
the heart of God made m a n, is s ai d to
have repl ied : "Beca use there i s noth i ng
e l se, j u st love . . . love . . . love."
I t i s a long and h a rd road; it i s a n
a lta r o f sacrifice; it asks a n enormous
price in self-forgetfu l ness; it m u st seek
noth i ng for itself. Love is the o n l y way
to o u r h u m a n desti n y a n d to the feet of
God, who is Love.