1

NeverGrowingUp
GraceDonalson

Youmaynotrealizeitwhenithappens,butakickintheteethmaybethebestthingin
theworldforyou.

WaltDisney

1. Streptococcalpharyngitis(StrepThroat)
a. Adiseasethatcausesasorethroat.Itisaninfectionwithabacteria.
2. SwollenLymphNodes
a. LymphNodesaresmall,beanlikeorganslocatedthroughoutthebody,including
yourneck.Whentheyareinfectedtheycanswellandbecomepainful.
3. ThyroidCancer
a. AcancerthatbeginsinyourThyroidGland(lowerneck).
4. EosinophilicEsophagitis(EoE)
a. Aallergic/immuneconditioncausingswellingofthethroat.Onlydiagnosed
throughbiopsy.

BytheageoftenIknewofmoremedicalconditionsthannamesofmyclassmatesin
school.Icouldeasilyexplaintoyoueachconditionscharacteristics,strengths,andweaknesses
witheasewhileIstumbledtoremembermyfriendsfavoritecolor.Mydailyroutinerangedfrom
sevenhoursofschool,tosevenhoursofwaitingrooms,tests,medicalpersonnel,andpain.I
didnthavecancer,oranyotherdeadlydisease.Infact,whatwaswrongwithmewasamystery.
EverynightIdpretendtofallasleeptomymomsreassuringvoicetellingmethateveryone
goesthroughadisasterperiod,andthatIwasgettingmineoverwithearlyinlife.Naturally,I
believedher.AsafourthgraderIdbelievenearlyanythingshedtellme.Butonceshekissed
megoodnightandclosedthedoor,Icouldnthelpstayinguptotheearlyhourswondering,Why
wasIexperiencingoneoftheworsttimesinmylife,inthetimeIwassupposetobehappiest?
AndwitheachdayIwatchedasmychildhoodslowlyslippedaway.
Inthebeginningitresembledacold,aslightacheinthebackofmythroat.SomethingI
ofcoursedidnttellmyMom,asshedprobablyattempttokeepmeoutofschool,orbenchme

inmyupcomingsoccergamejusttobesafe.Butwhenitdidntgoaway,Iknewsomething
waswrong.Itwasntuntiloneday,whenIwasreadingTheSecretGardeninmymyroom,thatI
tookitseriously.Thepainhitarecordhighasaknotfelttohaveformedatthebottomofmy
throat,leavinglittleroomforanythingtopass,includingair.Ilookedupandfoundmyself
withinadeephallucination,wherethewallsdancedandmytrophiescametolife.Ihuggedmy
kneestight,anaturalreactiontofearIvehadsincemykinderdayswhenIsworetherewasa
monsterinthecloset.LittledidIknowthatthebiggestmonsterofmychildhoodwascurrently
hidinginmythroat.
WasIdying?Wouldthiseverend?Itwasn'tuntilthatsecondsob,thatairfounditsway
intomybodyonceagain,allowingitselftocoatmythroat,andlungs.Theroomtookafinalbow
asmysanityreturned,beforerevertingtoitsdefaultposition.Itonlytookafewsecondsbefore
thestingingpaintoreturned,thesuffocatingfeelingthatoccurredeachtimeItriedtopracticethe
actImostdesperatelyneededtosurvive.Everybreathfeltlikeaknifetomythroat.Dayswent
byandeventhesimplestactssuchas:eating,drinking,sleeping,evenswallowingmyownsaliva
showedthesameresults.Mythroatwasanhourglass,soswollenitcouldonlyallowsmall
amountsoffoodtofallintomystomachatatime.Iwouldhardlyeat,leavingmewithlittletono
energy,andincapableofanyofmyusualactivities.
Iwaslivinginanightmare.Iwasnolongeragirlwhowasallowedtogotoschool,play
sports,orhaveanykindoffun.InsteadIwaslockedinaplacewheredoctorscameatmewith
syringesandneedles,performingcountlesstestsonadailybasis.Iwaslivinganightmarein
whichIwasforcedintowideawakebiopsiesandproceduresthatonlyseemedtomake
everythingworse.ButIallowedit,andheldbackthepainasmuchasIcould.AllbecauseI

knewthatthiscouldbetheprocedurethatwouldexplaineverything,andprovidemewiththe
stepstowakingup.
Likeeveryhardpuzzle,Ifrustratedpeople.IwasawalkingultimateSudoku,challenging
peopleforhoursatend.Outofallthepeople,Ifrustratedmyselfthemost.Iwascausingthis
pain,causingmyfriendstoabandonme,andcausingmybodytoslowlyslipaway.
Iwoketoafaintbeepingsound,comingfrommyrightandsomeonetouchingmyarms,
followedbythewiresattachedtomychest.Thebeepingsoundquickened.Myeyeswereglued
tight,Ididntdaretoopenthem.IknewjustwhereIwas,andIdidntlikeitonebit.Ihadbeen
lookingforwardtothisdayforweeks.Mysurgery,oneofourlastoptionsforfixing
everything,soofcourseIwasexcited.ButatthesametimeIcouldhelpbutfeelfaintattheidea
ofthingsinsideofme.Mystomachturnednauseous,andmybreathingcametoahault.Iwasin
surgery.Ihadwokenupinsurgery.Thingscouldpossiblybeinmerightnow.Thebeeping
raisedtoanalarminglyfastrate.Icouldfeelthedoctorspanicvibratealongmybody,pulsing
witheachheartbeat.IcouldnthelpbuthopetheywouldrealizeIhadwakenup,soIwouldnt
havetopersonallyacknowledgethis.FinallyenoughtimepassedandIcouldntstandthe
thoughtanylonger,Ipeakedopenaneye,preparingforthebrightlightthathungaboveme.
InsteadIfoundalargeblueandwhiteroom.Asmilingnursehoveredovermeandexplainedthat
everythingWentwell.Ihaveneverfeltemotionschangetosuddenly.Iwassmilingfromear
toear.Wentwellisgood.Ithought.Wentwellmeansanswers.WentwellmeansthatIwillbe
okay.
Thathopedidntlastlong.Shortlyaftertheproceduremysurgeonvisitedme.Apparently
whenanursetellsyouthateverything,Wentwell,itjustmeans,Congratulationsyoudidnt

die,becauseshedidnthaveanygoodnews.Sheexplainedthatmythroatwasalarmingly
swollen,buttheystillcouldntdeterminethecause.Thattheydidntknowwhattodonext.
Anyonewhosbeensickcouldtellyouthatthosewordsareyourworstnightmare.Itmeansthat
youwilleitherdie,orwillhavetolivewithyourproblemforalotlonger,maybeevenyour
wholelife.AtthispointIrememberfallingintoapitofdespair.Mymomreferredtomeasa
brokenchild.Iwouldsmileandlaughattimes,butdeepdownnothingwasokay.Igotmad
whenevermyfamilyate,threetimesaday,sometimesmore.Ihidfromthem,hidfromallthe
happinessIshouldvebeenenjoying,andacceptedIwouldneverbeanormalkidagain.
Theycontinuedthetests,evenrepeatedsome.IwentbacktoschoolasmuchasIcould.It
washardforpeopletowraptheirmindsaroundwhatwashappeningtome.Fewunderstoodjust
howsickandlimitedIwas,thatIwasntanormalkid.Myteacherwasthenicestlady,butwas
constantlypenalizingmeforbeingsickandendedupincreasingmyexclusionfromschool
activities.Myfriendsfourthgrademindscouldn'tmanagetowraptheirmindsarounditeither.
ThatIwasntjustbeinglazyormean,thatItrulycouldnotplaywiththem.Iwantedto,more
thananything.ButeverytimeItried,everymuscleinmybodyscreamedNo.Iwasintoo
muchpain,andmyenergytankwasnearlyempty.
Althoughthispained,shysideofmehadtakenover,theoldmewasstillalive,screaming
tobeletout.IdidntwanttositandwatcheveryoneelsehavefunbecauseIwastootiredto.I
wantedtoeatcakeonmybirthday.Iwantedmynormallifeback.ButdayafterdayIcouldnt
seemtodoit.ThenonedayIdecidedtowalkdowntotheplaygroundatrecess.Iwatchedas
kidsranaroundme,playingtag,playingsoccer,jumprope,ex..Icontinuedwalkingwhen
somethinghardslappedmeontheback.Iturnedtoseemyfriendsmilingatmeasheyelled,

Tagandranaway.Ifroze,Ihadntraninweeks,Ididnthavetheenergyforit.Iturnedto
walkbacktotheclassroomwhenIheardhimcomingback.Ismiled.Hewasrunningback,
questioningmewhyIwasntgoingtochasehim,andifIwasfeelingalright.Oncehegotclose
enoughIturnedslappinghimontheshoulder,smiledeartoearandwhispered,Tagthen
headedintheoppositedirection.Itwasslowatfirst,butwithinnotimeIwaspickingupthe
pace.StepafterstepIcouldfeelmyselfgettingcloserandclosertotheoldme,andIfinally
allowedherbackin.Mynewpersonalitycontinuedtodominatetheold,butevenstillIwas
comingback,alongwithmychildhood.
BytheageofelevenIhadlostayearofmychildhoodtobeingpoked,prodded,andcage,
allbecauseofapoisonInowknowasdairy.ThatwholetimeIhadbeenexperiencingastrange,
mildallergicreactiontodairy.Whenwegottheresultsback,IremembercryingforhoursIwas
sohappy.Randomlytheseemotionswillreplayinmymind,andthosesametearswillfalldown
mynowsixteenyearoldface.EventhoughitmeantIdneverhaveicecream,oranyofmy
favoritedairytreatsagain.ThatpainisnothingcomparedtowhatIexperiencedasa
tenyearold.Itwasindeedmydisasteryear,ayearwhenIfeltthatnothingwouldevergoright
forme,andthatIwasforeverbroken.ButasIdiscovered,nomatterhowdarkandcruelthe
worldmayseem.Evenifitfeelslikeyouarelivinginanightmare,youwilleventuallywakeup
toseethelight.Andsometimes,youlldiscovernewthings,oranewyouintheprocess.Idid.I
discoveredfirsthandthesaying,Everythinghappensforareason.Aswellasthefactthat
somethingsaremoreimportantthanothers.AndalongthewayIcreatedanewandimproved
versionofmyself.Onewhotakesthingsabitmoreseriously,kindofshy,andcaresforothers
wellbeing,whilekeepingthechildlikequalitiesalive.Traitsthatallowmetolaughat

inappropriatejokes,andmakethemmyself,dancearoundsingingatallhoursoftheday,and
willwillinglydedicateadaytowatchingDisneymovies.Evenratherplayingoutsidethanbeing
onsocialmedia.Imaybematurenow,butIdidntwanttogrowupasafourthgrader,andI
dontplantonow.Infact,IdontthinkIlleverfullygrowup.