Colthurst

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(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the
form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets]
throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with
revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay:
Hello, Kaitlyn! I am Anandita G., and its my pleasure to be working with you today.
I love the fact that youve begun your essay with a thought provoking phrase. The first line of
your essay reads, Image traveling though time at the speed of light. This compels the reader to
engage with your writing. Nice work!
*Kaitlyn 7297367 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
Lets work on framing a thesis statement for your essay that includes the subject, the claim,
and the main points. This will give the reader a clear idea of what to expect in your paper. You say in
your first paragraph, Doctor Who is a show that all of that. If I had to write a paper analyzing the TV
series House, my thesis statement would read:
House, an American medical drama, is a success owing to the brilliant acting of Hugh Laurie
and the extremely well penned character of Dr. Gregory House.
Note that this statement includes the subject, the claim, and the main points. How would you
frame a thesis statement based on this example? Do take this input and give your essay a strong
start.
Content Development:
Kaitlyn, you could elaborate on the points you make to improve your content. This will help
deepen your content. You say in your third paragraph, He is over 1000 year old and travel though
time in his magic blue box. Here are a few questions to help you develop this point:

Why did the Doctor travel through time?

What was the Doctors mission during these travels?
How did the audience respond to this show?
What impact did it have on the public?
What about the show made it an iconic show in Britain?

Addressing these questions will help you develop this point. It would be a good idea to explore the
other points in a similar manner. I hope you will take this suggestion and add weight to your writing.
*Kaitlyn 7297367 has requested that you respond to the Organization:
You could improve the organization of your essay by framing topic sentences for your
paragraphs. This will make it easy for the reader to follow your ideas. The first line of your second
paragraph reads, Doctor Who first aired in the 1963. The content of the paragraph discusses the

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history of the show. Taking the same example as the thesis section, a topic sentence in my essay
would read:
The acting prowess of Hugh Laurie is unquestionable, and the brilliance of his talent is only
further accentuated by his portrayal of Dr. Gregory House.
The content of my paragraph would follow from this statement. Do take this suggestion and
strengthen the structure of your essay further.
Summary of Next Steps: We have discussed several ways to improve your essay; here is a list of
the suggestions:
-

Frame a thesis statement that includes the subject, the claim, and the main points of the
essay.
Develop content by elaborating on the points.
Frame topic sentences for the paragraph.

Using a thought provoking phrase at the beginning of your essay already makes it strong. I hope
you will take these suggestions and strengthen your essay further.
Good luck!- Anandita G.
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Kaitlyn Colthurst
VanderSlik
English 100-07
12/3/14
51 years of the Doctor.
Image traveling though time at the speed of light. Traveling anywhere in the universe and
sometime out of it. To the beginning of time to the end of it. Running from living nightmare and
saving the day. [This is a sentence fragment since it does not contain the subject. Who runs

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from nightmare to save the day? Add a subject to the sentence to rectify this error. Do
rectify similar errors and enhance the comprehensibility of your essay.] Doctor Who is a
show that all of that. Doctor Who have been on for 51 years.
Doctor Who first aired in the 1963. It was made by Sydney Newman. [Its great that
you have mentioned the brain behind the show. This allows your reader to understand
your points better. Good job!] It started out as a kid learning show. It was made to teach kids
about history and how to trite people different from you. [Did the content of the show change
eventually? If yes, when did it change? What was the reason for this change? How did the
reader respond to it? Adding these details will help deepen your content.]
The Doctor is a being not from our world. He is over 1000 year old and travel though
time in his magic blue box. He is a being known as a time lord. The Doctor is the name that he
pick for himself. [I suggest you write a separate concluding paragraph that includes a
summary of the main points. This will remind the reader of your main points.]