CoffeeWithDeath

ByClaireHackett

"Thankyouformeetingmeheretoday."Itoldhim,oratleasthelookedlikeahim.The
onewhosatacrossfromme.WebothhadourStarbuckscupsinourhands,andarmsonthe
table.He,asIwillcallhim,ormorenamely,Death,seemedcoollydetachedtoeverything.
IstudiedDeath.Hehascurlyblackhairthatjuttedallaroundhishead.Hehadalabasterskin
thatseemedlikeithadn'tseenmuchofthesun.HeworeacrewnecksweaterfromAmerican
Eaglethatwasnavyandbrownstriped.Overall,hefitinattheStarbucks.Helookedlikean
averagecollegestudent.
"It'snoproblem.Really."Hetookaswigofhiscoffee.
InthebackgroundIcouldheartheespressomachinebreatheoutsteam.Thebaristas
wereaskingthecustomers,"Whatwouldyoulike?"andthen"Whatsizewouldyoulike?".
Thereweresomewhomademetalscratchingsoundswhiletheystirredthemilkinthemetal
cups.
"So,I'mguessingyouhavealotofquestionsforme."
Ichuckled,"Yeah,IguessIdo."
Itookaswigofmysaltedcaramelmocha.Iactuallywasn'tsurewhattotalkabout
first,IbarelycouldconceivethatDeathhadagreedtomeetmeforcoffee.Hewasextremely
hardtotrackdown.IguessIshouldstarttalkingaboutmymomfirst.
"Well,askaway.Youcaughtme."Hesneeredashetookanotherswillofcoffee.
"Hey,Ididtrytobeniceaboutit.Ididbuyyouthatfoofycoffeedrink."
Heshrugged."Ithinkit'saCaramelFlanlattewithvanillasoymilk.Quitedelicious.
Youmakesuchwondrousstuffsometimes,youhumans."
"YoucallStarbuckswondrous?"

"Yes!"HelookeduptohisStarbuckscupwithadmiration."Starbucksisbeautiful,andI
don'treallycarewhatotherssay.Thesepeoplearebrilliant."
Icouldn'tbelieveit,DeathlovesStarbucks?"DoyoucometoStarbucksalot?"
"Nottoberude,butIdohaveanappointmentatfive.Youhaveanhour."
Ilookeddownatmyfingersentwinedaroundmycoffeecup.Ilikedhowmyfingersfeltonthe
paper,andevenmorewhenmyfingerstouchedeachother.Myskinwaswarm,andIliked
feelingthelittlelinesonmyfingersthatmademyfingerprintsintowhorlsorloops.
Wassomeonegoingtodieatfive?Thatpersonwon'tbeabletofeeltheirfingers,they
won'tbreathe.Theywilljuststopexisting.Someone'slifewasgoingtoendatfive.
Ishouldn'tbethatshockedaboutsomeonedying.Ifyoudothemath,therearewhatseven
billionpeopleintheworld.Thatmeanspeoplemustbedyingallthetime.Butthatmeansright
now,atthisexacttime,someonecouldbedying,andhewon'tbethere.Becausehe'shere
withme.Shouldn'thebeinsomewarravagedplaceintheMiddleEastorAfricawhere
genocideishappeninginsteadofdrinkingfoofycoffeeandentertainingmebyansweringwhat
feelsnowlikeasininequestions.
"What'shappeningatfive?"Mypalmsaregettingalittlesweaty.MaybeIdon'twantto
know.Iprobablyshouldn'thaveasked.NowallI'llbethinkingaboutissomeoneelsedying.
Theirfamilygoingthroughwhatmyfamilyisgoingthrough.
Iwouldn'twishthatonanyone.
"AladyinhospiceatSt.Mary'sisgoingtodieat5:05.Ineedtobetheretokissher."
"Oh."Icouldn'tlookathim.Iwasright.Someone'sgoingtodieatthesamehospice
mymomdiedatlastweek.
"Iliketheonesinhospice,theydon'tdiewithpain.Idon'tmindtheoneswhodie
painfullythough,theprocessisjustsimplerwhenthepersondieswithoutpain..Istopped

feelingbadforthosewhodiepainfully.Therearejusttoomanypainfuldeathsoutthere.Inow
lookattakingtheirlivesasmyjob.Iwouldevenconsideritmybornright."
Ichokedonmycoffee.Thehot,frothyliquidburnedthebackofmythroat."What?
Yourbornright?"
"There'snooneelsewhocandowhatIdo.WhatcanIsay,Ihavethemagicalkiss."
Heleanedbackinhischairthenliftedthecoffeeuptohismouthforadrink.Iwantedtopunch
hisface.Myhandsclenchedaroundmycoffeecup.
Whatacockybastard.Thatsonofabitch.
Peoplearedyingallaroundhim,andhemakesitlikeajoke.Likehe'smajesticandwe
arealljustspoilsofhisroyalty.
"Oh,didIupsetyou?"Hesneered.Thatfucker.Icouldn'tbelievehim.
"Iamneededforlife.Itisallcircular.Youknowthis.You'vewatchedsomeonedie.I
amthepartoftheworldeveryonehates,butIamnecessary.Theworldwouldnotexist
withoutme.Canyousaythesamething?"
Ipushedthetableintohisgut.Hedroppedhiscoffeecupontothetable,thecoffee
goodnesswasgushingout.Helookedatmewithrage.
"Andheremeetingyou,Ithoughtyoucouldhandlethetruth."Hegrabbedhiscoffeecupup
andtookanotherswig.Hepushedhisheaduphigh.
"Howcanyousitthereandbesodamncocky?"Ispatathim.
"Icanbecausenoonecanstopme.Iamdeath."Hisvilefaceturnedhisgrinintothis
maliciouswidesmilethatlookedpredatory.
Ireachedoverandgrabbedhiscoffeecup."Icandothis.Thisisn'tyoursanymore."
Herolledhiseyes."Fine."

"Ithoughtyou'dbedifferent.You'redeath,aren'tyousupposedtobewearingablack
deathrobeandcarryaroundascythe?You'rejustsomecockybastard."
Heshruggedhisshoulders."Look,Iknowallaboutyouhumans.Youhateme,you
curseatme.Rightnow,Icanhearhundredsofpeoplecursingmyname.ThatItooktheir
dearlybelovedtoosoon.ThatIamcruel.ThatIhavenoremorse.Allthatshit.Iamanend
product.Peopleneedtodie.Nooneismeanttoliveforever.Iamaresult."
Itookadeepbreath.Iwantedtoscream,andyellandkickthechairover.Iwantedto
punchhiminthefaceandtellhimthathewaswrong.Thateveryonedeservestolive,andbe
withtheirfamily.SomewhereinsidemeIknewhewasrightthough.IknewdeepdownthatI
shouldn'tbeangry.Deathisanotherpartoflife,it'sthefinalunknown.Noonelivesforever.I
couldn'thelpmyself.Ionlythoughtaboutmymom.
Icouldstillhearthatpaperbagsound.Thesoundofapersonbreathingintoapaper
bag,thecrinklingnoisethatassailedmyearsforoveraweek.Iremembersittinginthe
hospice.Mythresholdfordeathwasatanalltimehigh.Iwaslookingatonlinedatingsites,I
hadn'tgoneonadateinmonthsthatIliked.Iwantedtobehappy,andIwasn'tgoingtoletmy
motherdyingstopthat.
ButIdidletitstopme.Thereissomethingabouttheaftermathofwatchingsomeone
diethatit'seasiertopretendeverythingisgoingtobeokaywhenshe'sdyingthanwhenshe
actuallydies.
Wewereallsurroundedbyher.HerhusbandwhisperinginherearLetgo.Itsokay
andthenmybrotherholdingherhand.MyauntandIareatherlegs,caressingthem.Making
herfeellovedandcomfortable.Iwasunnervedbyhowherskinfelt,paperyandliketherewas
toomuchhangingonthebone.Icouldntfeelmuscle,Allthemuscledisappearedfromthe

fivelongmonthsofhereventuallydying.Iputthesethoughtsoutsideofmyhead.Ihadto
focusonherrightnow.
Ikeptthinking,Iwonthaveherformuchlonger.Youcanthinkaboutwhatyouare
goingthroughlater.Justfocusonspendingtimewithher,becausethisisthelastchanceyou
got.
Thereisthatmomentrightaftershestopsbreathing,andherwholebodystops.Her
eyesbecomeopaqueandglossyanddeadinside.Herskinlosescolor.Andyoudon'tcry.
Youarejustalittlebitinshockthatshestoppedbreathing,eventhoughyouhavebeen
waitingforthistohappenforhours.She'sdeadnow.
Mydadsatdownwithmyaunttotalkaboutfuneralhomes,andtocallthenurseto
checkherpulsetogetthetimeofdeath.Itwas8:10inthemorningwhenshedied.Wealljust
satinthatroom.Iknewmydayhadtogoon,butIdidn'tknowwhattodo.Secondscrawled
by.Minutescameslowly.
AllIcouldthinkwasitwasover.Shewasnotinpainanymore.Shedidnotdieinpain.
Myfatherkepttellingheritwasfinetoletgo.Justletgo.BewithmydeadauntJanet.She's
waitingtoseeyou.
Thiswasnatural,Ikeptthinking.Deathisjustanotherpartoflife,andit'snotabad
thing.Sure,IdontgetmymotheranymorebutIknewthatforthelastfivemonthsthisis
whereIwasheading.Iwasonaonewaystreetwithnowayofturningback.
Hewastryingtorilemeup.AtleastIthinkhewas.
"You'renotabadperson.Youaren'tgoodeither.Youareneutral.Youdowhatneeds
tobedone,"Itellhim.
Helookedatmewithconfusion."What?"

Itookalargebreathinfrommynoseandletitoutfrommymouth."Youarenot
inherentlybad.Youdowhatneedstobedone."
Hestraightenedupinhischair,hewouldn'tlookatme.Hestaredatthedoor.Some
peoplejustwalkedin,twothingirlsinlongdowncoatsandknittedinfinityscarveswere
chattingwhilewalkingtothecounter.Hecouldn'tstoplookingatthem.Iclearedmythroat.
"Thepersonwhodied,theoneyouwatcheddiethatwasalongtimeagowasn'tit?"
Hecouldn'tlookatmestill.
Ishookmyhead."Itwasthreemonthsago."
Hiseyebrowsraised."Nottoolongago..."
Isighed."December10th,8:10inthemorning.Iwastherewithmyfamily.Mymom
wasdyinginthehospiceatSt.Mary'sinMequon."
"Irememberyounow."Hisfacebecamesoft,andhefinallylookedatme."Cancer
right?Twotypes?"
Inoddedmyhead.
"Youwerestandingbyher,rubbingherlegs.Thereweretwomales,andanolderlady
theretoo."
"Yeah,myfather,mybrotherandmyaunt.She'sanurse,shewashelpfultohave
around."
"I'msorry."
Hiseyesgrewdeep.IlookedintothemandIdidn'twanttolookaway.Ithinkhewas
feelingremorse.Maybe,hopefully.Iwasn'tsurewhatwashappeninginsidehiseyes.There
waspain,buttherewassomethingelse.Wasn'tthatthepointtotalkingtoDeath?Seeingif
hefeltremorseaboutmymother?Ifhefeltanythingatall?Iwasn'tsure.Iwasgoingthrough
somuchpainlosingher.Apersonwhohastotakeliveseverydaymustdealwithagreat

amountofpaineveryday.IguessIwantedtoseehowhumanDeathwas,ifhewashuman
likeatall.
"You're"
"Idon'tsaythistomanypeople.Mostpeopledonotdeservemyapologies.Hereyou
invitemeouttocoffee,andIamtheonebeingrudetoyou."
"Ididpushthetableintoyourgut."
Hechortled."Soyoudid.Fine,wearebothrudetoeachother."
Ismiled.Mycoffeewasbecominglukewarm.Idrankitanyway,justforthedistraction
fromsayingacouplemorewords.
"ShehadoneofthebetterdeathsI'veseen.ShewasreadywhenIkissedher."
Icouldn'tthinkofwhattosay.Thesituationwasabsurd.IwonderedhowIgottothis
pointofDeathconsolingme.Ididn'tevenknowdeathhadacorporealentityuntilamonth
ago.
Shehadoneofthebetterdeaths.Shediedwithnopain,thatistrue.Shedied
surroundedbypeoplewholovedher.Theysaytheonethingthatsterribleaboutdeathisthat
youdiealone.Butthat'snotthecase.Deathistherewithyou.Iwaswithher,herhusband
wasencouragingher.
Shediedinpeace.Deathsaidshewasready.That'sallyoucanaskforwhenyoudie,
right?
"I'veseenhowpeoplereactalot.Everythingisalittlesurrealrightnow."Death
reported.
"I'mjusthappyshe'snotinpain,"Isaidtruthfully.
"No,there'salittlebitinsideyouthatisgoingtostartgrowingandwon'tstop,thatwill
beaskingaquestion.Doyouknowwhatthatis?"

Mybodystartedtoseizeup.Icouldfeeleverynervestartingtogoonedge.Iheld
ontomycoffeecupasacomfortblanket.Alifeline,ifyouwill.Whoknows.Iwasnervous
aboutthehonestthingshewasabouttosay.Ihavespentsomanydaystellingmyselfthat
everythingisgoodnow.Thateventhoughsheisgone,andIdonotunderstandtheworld
anymore,everythingisasitshouldbe.
Eventhroughlivingthroughmymomdyingforthelastfivemonths,thethoughtofthat
paperbagrattlingsoundofherbreathingsettingmeonedge.Hiswordsmightbeworse,his
wordsmightunravelme.
"Youaregoingtostartasking:whataboutme?WhatdoIdonow?Youareinthe
fallout,andthat'snotgoingtoeverstop.Yourlifewillcontinue,buttherewillbedaysthatwill
feeljustasbadasthefirst.Youarenowbacktoanormallife,butitcan'tbethatnormalright?
That'swhatwillbegoingthroughyourmind."
Panicwasallovermyframe.Myskinfeltseparatedfromthiscorporealthingthat
housesmyself.
Escape,Iwanttoescapethiscorporealentitytrappingmeinside.
"Prettysoon,"hecontinued,"you'llwonderwillanythingbenormalagain.Andthings
willfindanormalcy,withoutyourmomthere.Thingswillbedifferent,maybealittlelackluster
butyou'llgetusedtoit.Thingswillslideintoanormalcyyouwouldn't,couldn'thavethoughtto
existinseveralmonths."
Deathdidnotlooksmugnow.Helookedatmewithcoldrealism,hisfacemutedwith
thetruth.Notmuchexpression,hislipsinaline.
"I'llberightback,"ItoldDeath.Hegrabbedmyhand.Iwasafraidtolookhiminthe
eyes.
Youcantrunawayfromthis.Itsalreadyhappening.

Shesfine.Shesfine.Imfine.
Youareinthefallout,youarenotfine.
Breathe,Ineedtotellmyselftobreathe.Inandout.Mylungsaresuckingaslungs
rightnow.Iwanttorunaway.Itrytopullaway,buthekeepshisholdonmyhand.
Iamtryingtohelpyou.Deathsaystome.AndIamevenrattledbythat.
Why?Whyareyoutryingtohelpme?Hecrytohim.EveryoneinStarbucksstops
whattheyaredoingandwatchesourdramaunfold.Oneofthebaristaswasmakingamove
towardsus.Concernmarredherface.Ididntmeantomakesuchabigscene.Iwantedtoget
awaysonoonecouldseemebreakdown.Ididntwantthis.Iamnotweak.
BecauseyouacceptmeasIam.Deathtellsme.Heletsgoofmyhand.Ihastened
mystepstothebathroombutthebaristainterferedwithme.
Areyouokay?Sheasked,touchingmyshouldergently.Shewasinvadingmy
personalspace,hertouchreverberatedthroughmybody,shakingmetomycore.Iswear,my
bodywastremblingvisablyunderher.
Imfine.Imfine.SheknewIwasntfine,everythingaboutthiswasnotfine.Itriedto
moveforward,butthebaristamovedwithme.
Okay.Igetthat.Yourfrienddidntthreatenyouoranythingright?Hesnothurting
you?
Ishookmyhead.No,everythingisfine.Itsapartoflife.CanIgo?Iaskedwhile
movingherhandoffmyshoulder.Thebaristalookedscared,therewasfearinhereyesbut
herexpressionwascompassionate,aweirdcombination.
Irushedtothebathroom,tryingtoignoredesperatelytheeyesthatwerestaringatme.
TheaudienceofmyemotionalbreakdownlikeitwasjustascriptedsceneonTV.

ThebathroomwaswhereIhadprivacy,whereIcouldjustfeeleverythingandjusttry
tonotexist.Iwouldwaittilitwasoverandtheneverythingwouldgobacktonormal.Orat
leastwhatnormalhadbecome.Mostofall,IdidntwanttofacethepeopleinStarbucksnow
afterdisplayingsuchdramaticemotion.
Islammedthedooropenandrushedinsidethebathroom.Lookingatmyselfinthe
mirror,IswearIcouldn'tseeproperly.Thingsweremurky,andIwasthere.Myhairina
messysidebraid,andIwastherewitheverythingtoorealrightthen.Igrippedthesidesofthe
sink,tryingtograspontosomethingtangible.
ThedooropenedandIcouldseeDeathbehindme.Hisfacelookedserious,hislipsin
aline.
"Comehere."hesaidtome.Iturnedaround,withtearsstrungtogetherinmyeyelids.
Theywerereadytopourout.Myskinfeltlikeitwasgoingtoexplode.Whatdotheycall
peoplewhoblowup?Pinkmatter?Prettysoon,Imgoingtobecomepinkmatter.
Iwantedtokeepthetearsinnow.Ididn'twanttobeseeninthisstate.Nooneever
shouldseemelikethis.
HeleanedupagainstthewallasIheldontothesink.Myfingersclungtotheceramic.I
couldntfacehim.
Youdoknowthatemotionisnotweaknessright?
Ididntrespond.
Iamnothuman.Idonthavethesameanatomy,Idontreallyeverhaveemotions.I
chosethisformbecauseIblendintomysurroundingsrightnow.Butthereareafewhumans
whomakemefeel.Afterbeinginsuchcloseproximitytohumans,Ibegantosympathize.I
canfeelremorse,orpity,orsorrow.Someevenhappiness.Ispendmytimelookingfor
humansthatdothattome.Isometimeslikefeelingemotions.Itkeepstheboredomaway.

Wordscomeoutofmymouth,butIhadnocluehowhecouldunderstandthem.Itried
tomakethemlucid.Ifeeltoomuch.IwanttheworldtocaveinsoIcanhaveabreak.Just
forfiveseconds,orfiveminutes.JustsoIcanrest.
Theonlywaytotakeabreakistodie,andthatsaneternalbreakfromlife.
Idontwantthat.Icouldstillfeelthenervous,electricenergyroamingthroughmy
body.Itached,andthenervesfeltlikeneedlespoppingthroughmyskin.
Comehere.Hecommanded.
Deathwrappedhisarmsaroundme.Hisbodydidn'tfeelwarm,hedidn'tfeelhuman.I
resignedmyselftobeingheld.Therewastoomuchgoingon.Iwasreadytogiveup.He
startedtoswayme.Onehandwasonmyhead,pushingmyfaceintothecrookofhisneck.
Hiscoolbodygaverelieftomyelectricskin.
"Whyareyoubeingnicetome?"IaskedDeath.
"Becauseyoudonothateme.YouacceptwhoIam."
Mythoughtspaused.Ijustwantedtofeelhimnexttome.Hisicyskinnexttomine.I
couldfeelthepinsandneedlesofmynervesshootingoutofmyskinlessenduetothe
contact.
Itookalargebreathinslowlythroughmynose.Hesmelledvaguelyhuman,likemusk.
Itwassuchahumansmell,italmostmademeforgethowinhumanhewas.Afterasecond,I
letthebreathgo.
"WhatamIgoingtodowithouther?"
"Youwillgoonliving,youwillprobablydogreatthings.TakesomeadvicefromDeath,
you'llbefine.Mostpeopledon'tgetthisopportunity."
Ichuckled.Myskinfeelsnormal,mybodydoesn'tfeeltightorrigid.Mymindiscalm
oncemore."Thanks.I'mgonnabefine.Iknowit.Yeah.Thankyou."

Hehuggedmecloser."You'rewelcome."
Helookedtohiswatch."I'mrunninglate.Ihavetogo."
Hisarmsreleaseme.Imissthecoldtouchofhisskin,butIamstable.Icansurviveon
myownnow."Thankyouformeetingforcoffee."
"Itwasapleasure."Hethenwalkedoutofthedoor.Ileftthebathroomrightafterhim,
buthewasgone.Nowheretobeseen.