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Morgan Buerke
Professor Matthew Shank
H. Colloquium I
10 October 2014
Psychologically Abusive Relationships
Physical abuse and domestic violence are always hot topics in the news. We
hear the stories of women that are killed or are beaten up by their significant others
and how they were powerless to stop it from happening. However, one kind of
abuse, psychological abuse, is generally glanced over by the media and, while it may
not leave any physical scars, it can be just as painful.
Psychological abuse happens when a partner in the relationship controls
information and manipulates it to change the others view of the world. This leads
the abused to feel confused and slowly drains them of their self-esteem. The abuser
may present false information to make victims doubt their memory, perception, and
sanity. They may have random spurts of kindness in an effort to erase all previous
bad treatment, which causes the victim to hope for the future and the abuser knows
this. They may constantly criticize, humiliate, or embarrass their partners. They
could be extremely moody, jealous, and constantly tell their partner that they will
not be good enough unless the abused changes some part of themselves. They will
be dominating and somehow turn everything back on their partner making
everything their fault and potentially isolating them from friends and family.
Whenever their partner is gone, they may call or text them incessantly but
otherwise may withdraw all affection. They may convince the abused that they

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deserve this sort of treatment and convince them that there is no problem (21
Warning Signs).
Sadly, I have had personal experience with this at the mere age of 18. For
three years I dated someone who put me down, berated me, and made me feel like
he was the only person I should care about in my life. I secluded myself from family
and friends, trying to keep my schedule open and keep up with his incessant texting.
If I was ever extremely busy and couldnt text him, he became withdrawn and was
determined to punish me for not communicating by telling me all the bad things
that happened to him while I was gone and blaming me for not being there to make
him feel better. However, he didnt even have to be busy but could use the excuse I
just didnt feel like talking to you, when he didnt text me and Id spend hours
waiting by my phone to make sure I was there when he finally came back.
Oftentimes he was irrational, blaming his parents for his bad grades because
their incessant nagging supposedly stressed him out, and he would get mad
whenever they asked him to do a minor chore such as dishes or laundry. At these
points, I tried to get him to see reason, telling him that his parents want whats best
and that chores wont take him that long. Suddenly these conversations would get
nasty and he would blame me for his parents nagging saying that my good grades
are why his parents bother him so much and making an effort to convince me to
stop trying so hard. I was salutatorian of my high school class and, when I finally got
up to say my long-awaited speech I was at peace. Everyone who was there, whether
they knew me well or not, told me what a good job I did except him. He thought it
was easy, that I made a big deal out of nothing, and not long into the summer I

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forgot that I had ever been salutatorian, a goal I had worked for four years to
accomplish.
When I was with friends in the hallway, hed find some reason to be upset
that may not have anything to do with me and hed ignore me for it. The only way I
could get him to talk would be to coax him like a child and give him 100% of my
attention. He would get very withdrawn if I didnt kiss him between every class so
we were that couple smooching in the hallways. Id bring up that it made my friends,
the teachers, and I uncomfortable, but hed make it seem like I cared more about
them than him, and I would feel bad for even bringing it up. Eventually my best
friends couldnt put up with how much my life revolved around him and they
vanished.
After all of this, its a wonder I didnt break up with him sooner, but there
were times in the relationship it seemed like things were looking up. At
homecoming, after I dressed up and had numerous fights with him about how he
didnt want to go, he became depressed whenever I talked to anyone else and
decided he was stressed out and had to ruin my entire night because of it. During
the dance I was fine sitting with him all night to cheer him up, but I cried when he
left and, afterwards, decided he owed me. It was times like this that he would get
extremely tender-hearted, over-apologizing and being extremely sweet while
assuring me that nothing like it would ever happen again. He convinced me that
everything was going to be okay because he was broken and that I was there to
mend his heart. All it would take is time, he said. Three years later, my situation had
gotten worse instead of better.

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I saw all these signs and my feeling of being trapped became stronger and
yet I made no move to get out of the relationship. I knew I just had to wait until I
went to college and I figured maybe the treatment wasnt that bad because I
deserved it and that he was only jealous or sad because he was in love with me. For
a year and a half, every time anything went wrong or I was ignored or berated or
secluded again, I counted down the time in my head. I didnt want to confront him to
break up with him so I waited a long time. It wasnt until I got to college that I
realized how much of my life I had wasted.
It seems impossible to this day that I couldnt tell him off. After we broke up,
he made me promise to stay friends with him, telling me that this was his first
breakup and he didnt know how to let me go. A week later I found out he was
already trying to date someone else, after we had dated three years! A month later I
found out he had indeed cheated on me and after an hour on the phone with him in
which he repeatedly told me over and over again it had never happened, he finally
admitted it. He said there was no reason. He said I had been a great girlfriend and
that he never should have let me go. I said goodbye forever.
Now, after cutting off all contact from him, my life has opened up. Ive
learned that I love to voice my opinions and Id love for others to do the same with
me. Ive finally figured out that most people dont mind if youre not texting them all
the time, so my phone is normally put away. Ive noticed how people think and react
and found that they generally dont get offended easily. Now I know that I deserved
to be treated better by someone who revels in my achievements and is there to pull
me up from the downfalls. I deserve someone who wont control me or make me do

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anything that Im uncomfortable with. I can be with someone who wont need me
there at all times to provide constant attention and I finally see that I can be with
someone who will give attention to me. Regrettably, not everyone comes to the
same revelations.
The signs were all there. My friends tried to stop me from withdrawing like
many of those that are abused do. My family tried to get him to talk to them and
brought their worries to my attention, but I ignored them. Eventually they gave up
and my boyfriend turned into my entire world. It becomes very easy for friends and
family to just tell people that are abused to leave the relationship, but thats easier
said than done. Psychological abuse becomes humiliating and hard to talk about
when it always seems to bring up the abuseds own weaknesses. Not only that, but
people that are abused are often manipulated to look like the bad guys in front of
their friends and family so, for the most part, there ends up being no one left to turn
to. The abused ends up relying on their significant other for help, even in situations
that involve the manipulation of the abuser. However, this often leads to either the
silent treatment or constant confusion that brings the blame back to the abused and
makes them feel stupid for even talking about these problems (21 Warning Signs).
So, what can be done? If you are being abused or even think you are being
abused, there are places you can call: The National Domestic Violence Hotline and
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women are two. The greatest help to
you would be to talk to someone and figure out if youre being abused, then take
steps from there. One of the most important steps is to make sure youre safe. Even
if the relationship hasnt gotten violent before, make sure that it wont get violent

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and, if it does, make sure to be in a public place for future confrontations. If you have
hope for the future, demand respect from the person youre with and tell that
person that he or she is hurting you and how you need him or her to stop. Because
this person is a master manipulator, he or she will likely do anything to get out of
this situation including getting mad, denying everything, or becoming overlyremorseful for awhile, but ultimately changing nothing. Lastly, find yourself a good
support group. Your family and friends may not know whats been going on but talk
to them and try and get support. If you cant find it there, get support from anyone
you can (Vanni).
More importantly, however, is recognizing the signs if a friend or a loved one
you know is being emotionally abused. If someone you know is being abused, they
will likely seem afraid or anxious to please their partner to the point of going along
with everything he/she says and does. They might check in often with their partner
to report what theyre doing and where they are and may often talk about their
temper, jealousy, or possessiveness. If your friend or loved one starts drawing away,
seems depressed, anxious, or suicidal, or starts to show major personality changes,
psychological abuse may be happening to them (Smith).
If you suspect a friend or loved one is being abused, ask them if something is
wrong. Tell that person in private that youre concerned and mention the
observations that youve had that make you feel that way. Tell that person that youll
be there to listen when he or she is ready to talk and that everything said will be
confidential. Remember, though, that if they are being abused, they are likely being
manipulated by the person theyre with. Dont judge, blame, or pressure them into

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making any life-impacting decisions. Just offer your unconditional support when he
or she needs it. (Smith).
Psychological abuse is vastly under-covered in the media, but there is still
help for people experiencing it. People who have been psychologically abused need
help to get out of the relationship and by recognizing the warning signs and either
finding or becoming a good sense of support, the abused can get out of their mental
prison and get back to the way they once were.

Works Cited
"21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship." Psych Central.com. N.p., n.d.
Web. 18 Nov. 2014.
Smith, Melinda, and Jeanne Segal. "Domestic Violence and Abuse." : Signs of Abuse and
Abusive Relationships. N.p., Nov. 2014. Web. 17 Nov. 2014.
Vanni, Gian Berto, and Lowell A. Siff. Love Doesn't Have To Hurt. New York: G. Braziller,
1964. Web. 19 Nov. 2014.