TheAnomalies

ANovelbyJoeyGoebel
ebookISBN:9781596929425
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email:info@mppublishing.com

Originallypublishedby:
MacAdam/Cage
155SansomeStreet,Suite550
SanFrancisco,CA94104
www.macadamcage.com
Copyright2003byJoeyGoebel
Allrightsreserved.
ISBN:193156129x
JacketandbookdesignbyDorothyCaricoSmith

Publishers Note: Thisis a work of fiction.Names,characters,places, andincidentseither

are the product of the authors imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to
actualevents,locales,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.

DedicatedinlovingmemorytoAdamJosephGoebelJr.

Icouldhavebeensomeone
Well,socouldanyone.
ThePogues

THEANOMALIES
AnovelbyJoeyGoebel

Contents

I.HumanPotential
II.PleasedtoMeetYou
III.TheNightmareDay
IV.ShesGotSpunk
V.MeccaLeccaHigh
VI.RagingWhoreMoans
VII.GradeSchoolRiot
VIII.HeySuburbia
IX.LonelyAliens
X.TalktoStrangers
XI.WeMissDecember
XII.MoldingYoungMinds
XIII.AllTogetherNow
XIV.DoingHisJob
XV.SixEpilogues
Acknowledgments

I.HumanPotential
Luster
Itwasnteasysimultaneouslymendingsixbillionbrokenhearts,butImanaged.
That isthefirstline ofthe bookthat Iam going towrite someday.Itwillbethebest
book ever, based on my life story, wiser than all tabloids and sexier than the Bible.
Oprahwillapprove.
This very bedroom will be blocked off by velvet ropes, and the carpet stains will
becomecollectors items soldoneBay.Andwhentheywhohailfromwherethephone
booksarethickerseemyhumbleorigins,theyllallbethinkingthesamethought:
How is it that while cell phones were ringing show tunes, while anxiety disorders
were going airborne, while theworldwas getting so heavy thatgravitygot redundant,
there existed a malnourished boyslashingoutsuchvaluable,worldchangingthoughts
that would later become our anthems, jotting out a revolution per minute in spiral
notebooks on a maggotfilled bed in a musty bedroom in a grotesque home on an
illiteratestreetinanincestuoustowninsuchasad,sadstate?
I ask myselfthesame question withthe answerhoveringbehindmereekingofmalt
liquor and marijuana. Hes forcing some greatness out of me, this man, thishorribly
averagehumanoid.
He taunts me. Youre so smart, you know whum sayin. Thenwrite meone ofyour
stupidsongs,yousmartass,bitchassbitch.
With his biggun pressed againstthebackofmymind,heinspiresme.AndsoIspit
outsomelyricsashecocksthegunlikethetrueNeanderthalheis.

II.PleasedtoMeetYou
Opal
You hear peopletalkingaboutwavelengths. IreckonI haveoneofthose wavelengths
thats hard to pick upon. Maybe Im stillon AM orsomething.I dont know.Butthere
areafewhearingme,likethisoneIgotinthepassengersseatspittinghawkersatthe
pedestrians. Theythinkshescute til they have a wad ofhervenomrunningdownthe
sideoftheirface. Thenshesnotsomuchcuteassheisdisgusting.Ithinktheyfeelthe
samewayaboutme.
I amtentimes as old as Ember,butwerestillonaboutthesamelevel.Eithershes
really mature, or Im really immature. I dont know. I guess the biggest difference
between us (besidesthe seventytwoyears)isthatIloveboys,andshehatesem.But
thatwillchange.
You know what, girlfriend? I say tomy little bittybuddy as shestryingto generate
hersomemorespit.Youandmearealotalike.
No,werenot.
Yes, weare! We hate beingbored, andwerealwaysrestless,andIsureamgladI
socialize with someone like you instead of eating earlybird breakfasts at Hardees
andplayinginthosebridgetournamentsallthetime.
ImgladIdontwatchbullshitDisneycartoons,shereplies.
Thats right, I say. You dont care about those cereal boxdoodads thatthe other
kidslike,either.
We jump out of my station wagon and I take off that stupid velour sweatsuit as
quickly as I can. I never let Embers parents see me in myrock clothes, just in case
they care. I really doubt they do. They seemto begettingless and less interestedin
their kidand moreand moreinterestedintheirthemepartiesandvacations toislands
Iveneverheardof.
AfterI throw myold lady costumein theback seat, Ember andI race each otherto
the door of the Red Lobster, which she picked. Sheloves their mahimahi. I toldher
Luster wont like a chain restaurant, but she didnt care. I cant complain, though,
becauseIlovetheirchickenfingers.
Ofcourse,thoselittlelegsofhersbeatmyarthriticasstotherestaurant.

Hostess
For the first time tonight,I mean mysmile. Icanthelpit.Theresalittlegirl,like,about
sevenoreightyearsold,and shesskipping towardme,andherskipping iskindofin
timewiththeMuzak.Iswearshesanangel.
Shes got curly blondehair,ababyface, andthebiggest,prettiesteyes.Shekindof
looks like that girl off those oldWelchsgrapejuice commercials,only not as creepy.
Her parents have got her dressed skanky, though. Shes got on a Tshirt with a
monster truck on it, Gravedigger. Its way too big for her and comes down past her
knees. It looks like shes not even wearing any pants, which Ivealwaysthought was
suchatacky look for a kid.Shesgot cute shoes on, atleast.Blackandwhitesaddle
oxfords.
Hi!Isaytoher.
Hey.
She looksbehindher at an old ladywalking toward us,probably her grandma.The
grandma makes me smile even more, and Im biting my lip, trying notto laugh.She
has short but really poofy white hair and wears buntight blue jeans, black tasseled
cowboy boots,anda Tshirtthat says Sex Pistolson it. I cant thinkofwhatcelebrity
shelookslike,probablybecausetherearentanycelebritiesthatareoldladies.
Hi!Howmany?Two?
Then in a loud, highpitched, old lady voice, the grandma goes, No. Five. The
otherswillarriveshortly.
SoIaskforaname,likeImsupposedto.
Oglesby.
I ask for asmoking preference, like Imsupposed to. Butthistime,thehighpitched
voicecomesfromtheadorablelittlegirl.
Smoking!
And I finally get an excusetolaugh. Imtoldto complimentthe customersasmuch
aspossible,butImeanitthistime.
Yourgranddaughterissocute.
Shesnotmygranddaughter,saystheoldlady.AndIaintnomammaw.

Ember
Thedumbasshostesssitsusdown.Everybodyhereisdumb.ExceptforOpalandme.
Welikerockmusic.Werockout.
Therearesomefamilieswithmomsanddads.Therearemenandwomenondates.
Andtherearesomeprettyboys.Thatswhoshere.
Awaitercomesuptous.IseeOpallookingathimthewayshelooksatwrestlers.
Hi!MynameisTodd,andIllbeyourserver.WhatcanIgetyoutwotodrink?
MichelobLight,Itellhim.
Oh!Yourgranddaughterissocute!
Shesnotmygranddaughter,saysOpal.AndIaintnomammaw.
AndIwasnttryingtobecute.
Oh.Imsorry,saysourfuckfacewaiter.
IlltakeaVervifontaine,andgiveheraShirleyTempleinsteadofthatMichelob.
I dont want aShirleyTemple.Iwouldnormallybescreamingbynow.ButIlikeOpal.
SoIllholdoff.
Imsorry,saysShithead.WedonthaveVerviwhatyoujustsaid.
Noplaceeverhaswhatshewants.
Okay.JustBudweiserme,then,saysOpal.
Okay. Thanks. Ill have those right out, says Assface. Opal keepsbusylooking at
the waiters butt. So I play with my knife. Mutilate. Mootilate. Im getting good at not
cuttingmyself.
Nowdontyoucutoffthosepurdylittlefingers,Ember.
Ipointtheknifeather.
Ohhh.Donthurtme,now,ortheBoogiemanwillcomeandgetyou.
Shit.Illcuthisass,too.
Iveneverbeen afraidoftheBoogieman.BecausethereisnoBoogieman.Theres
no Boogieman. Theres no Tooth Fairy. Theres no Easter Bunny. And there is
especially no Santa Claus. Im not stupid. Santa Claus is a big,fatlieused tokeep
kidsinline.
Ihatetheholidays.

Waiter
Iwannabonethischick.
She rolls in with some big, goofylooking black dude. Im thinking theyre not a
couple because they dont look right together. Hehas,like, bigJhericurled hair and
wears a Tshirt with a poodle on it and bleachstreaked blue jeans and white dress
shoes. He kind of looksliketheblack dudeoffSaturdayNight Live butwith nofacial
hair.
Meanwhile, shes white. Creamy white.Shesgot long blackhair and wearsatight
white dress and fishnets. Shes got the perfect amount of makeup and the perfect
amount of cleavage. She kind of looks like that girl offofBaywatch onlyprettier and
realer. Too badshes in a wheelchair. Still, though,I dont care.She could givemea
blowjob,ifnothingelse,andyouknowImallaboutblowjobs.
Whats really weird is that the hostess I boned takes the wheelchairchick and the
black dude to the table with the weird old lady and the weird little girl thats not her
grandkid.
Iapproachthetableagain.
Hi!MynameisTodd,andIllbeyourserver.WhatcanIgetyoutwotodrink?
Itrynottolookatthehotchicksboobs,butIfail.Damn.
IllhaveaHawaiianPunch.ShesoundssoftandbreathylikeMarilynMonroe.
Imsorry.WedonthaveHawaiianPunch.
ThenIlljusthavearootbeer.
Imsorry.Wedonthaverootbeer,either.Boobs.
Water.
Okay.Andforyou,sir?
I would like to drink a glass of CocaColaClassic,please.He doesnttalklikea
black guy,orawhite guy, for thatmatter. Heenunciates each syllable likehethinks
ImstupidorthatIhaveahearingproblemorsomething.
IsPepsiokay?I am supposedto ask every time,justin case. Then hestares me
downlikeIjustmadefunofhismamaorsomething.
No! No, it is not okay, you jumpingtoconclusions mother fletcher! Just bring me
milk!
Okay.Thanks.Illhavethoserightout.

Dude.GoodthingIasked.

Ray
People work there. People eat there also. I walk in, wanting to buy food and eat it
publicly.A girlat work there smilesabigoneatme.Ismileonebackandwalkquickly
towardtheeating.Makingheryellatme.
Wait!Sir,howmany?IhearbeforeIcanreachtheeatingroom.
Iturnaroundtothegirl.
Idontunderstand.
Howmanyareinyourparty?
Istareather,thinking,flippingthroughmymind.Parties.Howmany.
How many people do you plan toeatwith?sheasksinaslow,loudvoicelikeIam
aretardbaby.Iholdupfour.
Smokingornon?sheasks.
Ithinkwithcarebeforeanswering.
Idontunderstand.
Sir, do you like smoking cigarettes, or would you prefer not tobe around anyone
whodoeslikesmokingcigarettes?
And thenI remember how youhavesomanychoiceshere.Theyseparateeatersby
theirsmokinghere.Ilovethis!ButIjustwanttoeat.
Ipreferbeingarounda youngblackman,alittlegirl,anelderlywoman,andapretty
girlinawheelchair.
Thegirlsmiles.
Oh.Okay.IthinkImightknowwhichtableyouretalkingabout.
Shewantstolaughbutholdsit.ShethinksIdontseethehumorinthissituation.

Customer
Just when I thought things couldnt get any freakier, this pudgy gaylooking
middleaged foreigner comes in. This dude isflamin,prancininwearingflipflopswith
white socks, really short khaki shorts, a cutoff shirt,anda denim fanny pack. Plusa
big blackmustache. OtherwisehesyourtypicaldarkskinnedMiddleEasternlooking
dude, but withnobeard and no towel on hishead.Hesitsnexttotheoldladywearing
theshirtthatsaysSexPistolsonit.
Guys, I never thought Id see this day, Isay tomy boys. Wearenolonger at the
cooltable.Theylaugh.Ikickass.
So Im thinking this must be like a field trip from wherever they keep crazy or
retardedpeopleorsomething. Shit. Theres gottabesomeexplanationforthemtobe
togetherlikethat.Whosgonnashowupnext?Arabbi?Amidget?Arobot?
MyboysandIcontinuetowatchthemaswefinishoffourRollingRocks.Thelittlegirl
almost lights herself a cigarette before the old bitch takes it away from her and
smokes it herself.Thismust have remindedJoshand Jeremyto lightup,soI light up
also.
Ive never seen somany badhaircutsat onetable, Itell my boys.Anotherlaugh. I
loveit.
That onebitch is hot,though. Toobad shesin a wheelchair, cause Imsurebythe
way she looksthat shesamajorho.The littlegirl will probablybehotsomeday. Ibet
theoldbitchwashotlikeseventyyearsago.
Dude.Iswearthewheelchairslutislookingoverhere.Shesallovermystick.
Joshs cell phoneringstothe tune ofan oldJayZsong,theonewherehesamples
from thatsong off of Annie.This should be the call wevebeenwaitingonfromJoshs
dealer,Jerome.My wife shouldbeputtingthekidandherselftobedinacouplehours,
freeingupthe cribfor myboysand metopartyinlater.IthinkIllaskthathostessthatI
bonedinhighschooltocomepartywithus.
I bet thatgroupreallyknows howtoparty, Isayto my boys. Not a hugelaugh, but
Imstilltheman.Ilaughreallyloudatmyselftocompensate.
Then theblack guysuddenlyturns around,sowe kind ofstoplaughingandlookthe
otherwaytobepolite.

Aurora
If I had eyes in placeofnipples, Idbelosinga staring contest right now. But at least
Im nottheonly onetheyregawkingat. Myfriendsdivertsome of thestares,which is
onemorereasontoremainfriendswiththem.
Ooh! Letsmake atoast! Isuggestafterthe waiterbrings Rayhis Mountain Dew.
Ive recently become fond of toasting because its one of thosethings you candoto
makeyourselffeelmoregrownupwithoutspreadingdisease.
Yeah.Goodthinking,saysLuster.Whatshouldwetoastto,littleEmber?
Vaginas.
Ilikethat.Tovaginas,saysLuster.
And we all raise our glasses and say to vaginas, which Im not too comfortable
with.
Im at an awkward age and have been for nineteen years. And it keeps getting
worse. For instance, at mydads parties,therestheproblemof talking tohisfriends.
Numerically, I amold enough nowto beexpectedtocarryonconversationswiththem,
but I never know what to say, and I always end up feeling dumb.SometimesI think I
should be like my sister the slutand move toCalifornia.Then Iwouldnt have to deal
withthingslikemydadsparties.
At least I dont have to worry about feeling dumb here,though. Ican say whatever
comestomind.
Yourhairlooksflippindicular,Opal,Isay.Ithasbeenfreshlypermed.
Iknow.Ijustgotitdonetoday,shereplies.
I was thinking about going back to blonde, but black goes better with the whole
Satanthing,Isay.
She simply nods. Im accepted here, and Im actually happy to be around these
people. I see these friends asbeing like the vending machinesin the basementof a
hospital.
Backwhenmy momwas dying,andDadandmysister theslutandIwouldvisitthe
hospital, the only source of pleasure or escape I could find there were the vending
machines in the basement.Everything elsewas sickor sanitized,beigeand horrible,
and underneath such unflattering lights. But then there werethe vending machines in
the basement, full of happy, colorful packages, just like youd find them outside the
hospital.

As Ive gotten older, candy doesnt even taste as good as it used to, but thats
besidethepoint.ThepointisthatIamcapableofcomingupwithmetaphors.
At this point, Iampositive thatthoseguysarestaringat us.I know this type ofguy
from high school, and although they look to be in their early twenties, Im sure their
mentalities never madeitpastthetwelfthgrade.Theseweretheguysthatwouldcutin
front of everyone inthelunch line as if it weretheirdivinerighttoeatbeforethelesser
people. These are the guys thathad tobeon thefrontrow fortheseniorclasspicture
so everyone could see them flipping off the camera (how rebellious!).These are the
guysthatrode withtheirwindowsdownplayingrap,alwaysdrivingwiththeexactsame
pose, their leftelbowrestingonthedoor,theirlefthandcoollydrapedovertheirmouth,
almost as if they were posing forasenior picture.I didnt want any partofthem then,
and I dont want any part of them now. Thats why I refuse to goto college, toavoid
beingaroundyoungpeople.
Andtheyrelookingatmyfriendsandmeandlaughing.
Theyrestilldoingit,Isay.Igetsosickofthis.
It is a sad occasion when laughter is not welcome. If thiscontinues,I will confront
theirasses,saysLuster.
No, Luster, please. Not again. I change the subject. So what did you learn in
schooltoday,Ember?Anddontsaynothing.
Iskippedschooltoday.
Yes!exclaimsRay.Ithought I sawyouridingyourdirt bikepasttanningbed,butI
hadacustomerandcouldntgreetyouone.
Even as he speaks, Inotice Raylookingallaround therestaurant, trying tofind his
man.
Then the welldressed males withtheirJason Priestleysmiles andboyband facial
hairshareanother loud giggleblatantly directed toward ourtable,anditisEmber,not
Luster,whosnaps.
Shuts the hellup!sheroars,standinguponherchair,pointinghersilverwareatthe
men.I have a knife, andI willcutyoufromyourwootertoyourtooter.Ithinkitsaline
shegotfromanaudiencememberonJennyJones.
Takeiteasy,kid,oneofthemsays.IthinksomebodyforgottotakeherRitalin.
Hisidiotfriendslaughathim,andLustersuddenlystandsup.
Please sit down,myrabidchild,saysLuster.Emberpoutsandreluctantlysits.She
lays down her knife, and I take it from her, just in case.Then welistento Luster, the
spokesmanofourgroup.

Customer
So this black guy with big,goofy hairis staring atmewith a crazed lookin his eyes,
probablyfuckeduponsomething.Idecidetoplayitcoolfornow.
Whatsup,man?Isay.
Iapologize formyrambunctiousdiningcompanion.SheliveslikeaPunkyBrewster
deluxe.Shefeltthatyoumaleswerestaringandlaughingatus.Wereyou?
Nah,dude.Wewerelaughingatsomethingelse.Dontworryaboutit.
But Iam going to worryaboutit. Youarelyingto me.It worries me that youcanso
easilylielikethat. ItalsoworriesmethatyouthinkIamsostupid.Sotoquietmymind,
couldyoutellmewhyyouwouldlietomelikethat?
WellBecauseIcan,bro.Myboyslaugh.Irule.
Ismy diningparty sogrotesquethatyouwouldutterlydisregardourfeelings?Isthat
whatyouaresayingtome?
Well,I dont know about all that,man.Hey,youcantbullshitabullshitter.Thatsmy
slogan. Thats what I always wrote inyearbooksnext to mynameand jersey number.
Heyletmebuyyouadrink.Nohardfeelings,huh?
Im trying to be cool to this guy, but I think I just pissed him off evenmore.He sits
downnexttome.
Oh,haveaseat,whydontyou?Isay.
Iwantyou totell me exactly whyyouwouldstareand laughatus,hesays.Putitin
syllables.
Dude,chill,man,saysJeremy.Wedidntmeananything
Keepoutofthis,Hilfiger.Iamtalkingtothemanwithnohardfeelings.
Thatsme, apparently.IwouldliketodefusethissituationbeforeIhavetokicksome
ass.
Dude
Doyouthink callingme dudefirstcushionswhatyouaresaying?AmIsupposedto
knowthatyouarebeingsinceresinceyoutakethetimetocallmedude?
Dude,man
Bite. Ihave cometo expect peopletolaughatourmotleycrew.Thatisagiven,you
jerkwad almighty. But I wouldlikefor you totell me exactlywhy youarelaughing.Can
you articulate your thoughts, or are they as emptyasI think?Is thereany brain in the

gleamsofyour eyes?Doesthattongueknowhowtowhipit?Canyouenlightenaman
whohashearditallandhasevenwrittenitalldownonfourbysixindexcards?
What the fuck? Im all about being different and all, but this dude is a trip. Hes
freakinmeouthere.HejustneedstochillandhearwhereImcomingfrom.
Hey,man,itsnothingpersonal,Isay.
Nothing personal?Nothingpersonal?What areyougoingtosaynext?Nooffense?
Thesethingshappen?
Idontknowaboutallthat.
So it is nothing personal? You just randomly pick out people and ruin their
evenings?
Nah, dawg, but like you say, you expect people tolaughat you. Justseeingallof
youtogetherlikethat.Itjust
Before I can finish my sentence, he starts digging around in the back of his
underwear. He pulls outsomenotecards andthrowsoneon thetable.ItsaysMAKES
NOSENSE.
Exactly.Youreadmymind.
Ittakesnoclairvoyancetopredictahumanoidssentence.
Oh.SoImahumanoid,now?
Yes. A humanoidiswhatyouare.Youareanotherprettyfaceintheuglycrowd.You
are a copin a doughnutshop. You areprogrammedtotheend.Youcanbereadfrom
starttofinishinonesitting.
Fuckyou,Isayashethrowsanothernotecardonthetable.ItsaysFUCKYOU.
Iknewyouwouldsaythat.Youareastereotypicalhumanbeing.Youlistentotypical
stereo.
Okay.TellmewhatIlistentothen,smartass.
Helooksmeoverbeforeanswering.
YoulistentoEminem.
Yeah.Sowhat?EverybodylistenstoEminem.
Idonot, nor do my dining companions.ButIwillnotstopthere.Icanunfoldyourlife
storyherebeforeme.
Iveneverbeen in asituation like this before. This isfuckedup.Idontknowwhatto
dobuttolisten.

Luster

You were born amistakeintoamiddleclassfamilythatthoughttheywereahighclass

family. Your life was fine until your asshole parents divorced. Beforethat it wasbike
rides, baseball, swimming,and Nintendo.But after the divorce,yourNikeAirswalked
astray.Youblamedyourselfatfirstforyourparentssplit,butthenyoulearnedtoblame
them instead, and on them you would blameeverythingforevermore. As a teenager,
youfeltyourproblemsathomelicensedyoutorebel.Youpartiedhardandlivedforthe
weekends. You felt obligated to lose your virginity and youdid as soonassomeone
would help you to do so. Youdid just wellenough in schoolto get by,sayingthatyou
weresmartbutjustdidnt applyyourself. Youleft home as soonaspossibletogoto
college. You joined a frat.You let females control your destiny. You accidentallygota
girl pregnant and feltobligated tomarryher. Youwanted a boy. Yougotajobthatyou
hate but it pays the bills as you like to say. Yourwife appears not as pretty as she
was when you impregnated her, and your eyes are starting towander. You andyour
wife consider yourselves better than yourneighbors. Youaredepressed. Yousmoke
weed tohelpyounotbe. Youwork out. Yougo toatanningbed.Youworryaboutyour
hair.
After a lengthy pause, alphamale says, Shut up. You dont know meIm not
depressed.
You will be. It is bound to happen sometime between your divorce from your
cheatingwifeandwhenyourkidsputyouinanursinghome.
Thatsit,man.Areyoudone,oramIgonnahavetokickyourass?
I throw one more card on the table, the one that says EMPTY THREAT OF
VIOLENCEA FINAL RESORT. My cards never fail. Ive got everything from TOO
MUCH INFORMATION to INEED CLOSUREtoIALREADYHAVEABOYFRIENDto
BADHAIRDAY?
I am done. I am sorry for confronting you as I have in front of yourpeers, some of
whomaresecretlygay.
Atthis,theassholesfriendslookatoneanothernervously.
I know how much respectmeansto you, and I respectfully ask that yourefrain from
mistreatingmyfriendsandme.
Whatever,dude.
I return tomytable. I dont like doing thingslikeI justdid,butthehumanoidsmakeit
so easyfor me, andthe factthat theymakeitsoeasy for me is why Idoitin the first
place. I can predict the prettyboy just likeI can predict thatthe guywearing abowtie
will be asmartass,that the traveling childrensstoryteller willbeannoyinglyeccentric,

thattheEnglishteacherwillloveGarrisonKeillor,thatthebartenderwillbeexceedingly
confident.
Whydoyoualwayshavetomakeascenelikethat?asksAurora.
Youweretheonecomplainingaboutthemstaringatus.Aretheystaringatusnow?
Themansfriendsarecomfortinghim,pattinghimontheshoulder.
Then a contagiously funky reggae song comes on. My dining companions and I
spontaneously ariseanddance inthemiddle of therestaurant, except forAurorawho
just rolls back and forth. We dance like protozoa, squirming unattached, our bodies
movingliketheydontevenknowit.Music,music.Muse,sickmuse.Thesickmusewe
willfollowtoatimeshareonthemoon.
Iapproachmyvictim,theprofessionalhumanoid.
Comeon,dude!Nohardfeelings,right!?Wouldyouliketodance?
Oh,shutthefuckup.
I smile, laugh,and proceed withthe dancing.I danceas hard as Icansince I know
that any moment now, someonewill tellus tostop andsitdown, ormore specifically,
someonewilltellus,Imgoingtohavetoaskyoutostopandsitdown.

III.TheNightmareDay

Luster
Getup. Timetorockitlikeahoneysucklemetermaid.Timetofacethenightmareday.
Alotofassholesdependonyou.
Here begins my nightmare day. I am a twentyfouryearold commissary runner at
the dogracing track. It is my duty to make sure that all the concession stands have
enough alcohol andcigarettes.It is not agratifyingjob,andIdonotgetalongwellwith
my coworkers. I have beenclinically diagnosed witha bustedass,andat the endof
theday,whenIpunchtheclock,Iwanttopunchtheclock.
Ofcourse, Iam just bidingmy time untilI becomebigandfamous.SomecallwhatI
am doing nowpaying mydues. Others call it building character. I call it suffering.
My dreamis toone day not suffer as much as Isuffernow. I hopetobearockstar,a
famous orator, a television personality on the Labor Day telethon, a poet, a
philosopher king, a leader of men, and/or a rock star supreme. I want to rock it like
ChuckNorrisonthetiltawhirl.
Dressedinmypersonalizedworkshirt,Iwalkthroughourdecrepitlivingroomwhere
afewof my brothers lie around nakedonthefloor.Despitemytalkingaloudto myself,
they do not awaken. Jerome still seems to be passed out where I left himlast night
afterhewasdonethreateningtoblowmybrainintothehereafter.
Alone, I wait for the bus, tryingnotto noticethat everything around me is dying the
mildew death, the great cracked concrete standstillthat isthe casein theMidwest,a
land that doesnt know whether to stay or grow, a realm that calls it quits after a
WalMart, a RedLobster, and a winning basketball team, an undecided, unambitious
region that ultimatelyends up a halfway house forhumanity,fullofpointlesstownsand
hinderedsons.Agodneedstodropabombheretoimproveit.
Sometimes I awake to anawful noise,andI findmyself hoping thatI am hearinga
nuclear bomb falling on my town,on this neighborhood.I eitherwantalloftheworldor
nothing. Until my future arrives,I haveto settle for neither. Andthatawfulnoisealways
endsupbeinggangstarapburstingfromoneofmybrotherscarspeakers.

Passenger

That crazy blackbastard with thehair istalking to himselfagain.Hesbeendoing this

foryears, so he dontscareusno more.Usedto,hedhaveawholebigsectionofthe
busto hisself causewe thoughthewasdangerous.Butnow,wellsitcloseto himand
donteven lookat himwhenhestalkinglikethat.Itjusttooksomegettingusedto,and
now Ithinkthebuswouldseememptywithoutthat bigblackvoiceofhis.Everyoncein
awhile,hellsaysomethingrealinteresting,butmostofthetime,hedontmakesense,
likenow.
William Blake wrote, Without contraries is no progression. I hold this to be true,
anditmayoffersomeinsightintothemagnificentsplendorthatisme.
Hes alwaysquotingpeopleIneverheardof.Probablyrappersorbasketballplayers
or something. Whatever it is, its stuff that has no place on a Monday morning on a
southboundbusinasmallKentuckytownlikethishere.

Luster

One halfofmeisaproudescapeefromthescienceoflife.IcutloosefromtheGeorge
Strait jacket.I am physicallyincapable of blushing. I am not subject to linearthought.I
thinkin poetry. Iprefer thebackseatto shotgun.Iapologizetoinsects beforeIkilltheir
asses.Icannotswim,nordoIfeeltheneedtolearn.
The other half of me falls victim to the typical urges, hopes, and dreams of the
humanoids.I want to be rich. Iwanttobebigandfamous.Andaboveall,Iwanttolove
andbe loved.Intheseways,Iamaslavelike all therest.Iwanttorockitlikeaslutwith
badshoes.IwanttobethighhighinTedNugentnostalgia.
Like most men, I think about sex every six seconds. But unlike most men, every
seventh second I think about how the girlwouldlook wearing the burlappantsuitthat
myshowbusinessmoneyaffordedher.
Without these preprogrammed urges combined with my weirdboy flair, I would
stagnate. I would be condemned to living in the third world planet I call home
forevermore.Withoutthesecontraries,LusterJohnsoncouldnotprogress.
I believe that my funkassuniqueness is a virtue thatwill ultimatelyallow me toslip
through some crack somewhere in order to achieve the fame, riches, and dream
woman that elude so many others. I believe that my dreams will come true and
everything will eventually fall into place for me. Once I have thefame andriches that
allow a human to be taken seriously, then and only then will I be able to exert my
intergalactic clout in an effort to change the spin of the Earth on the axis that
represses,aspinforthebetter,LadySajak.Thisismebeinganidealist.
Robert Penn Warrenwrote, Ifyou arean idealist,itdoesnotmatterwhatyoudoor
whatgoesonaroundyoubecauseitisntrealanyway.Icouldnotagreemore.
I do not consider the humanoids to really be there. They are merely holographic
projections of what they think they are supposed to be. You are what you pretend to
be. Andeven though theyarenot really there, the humanoidsmanage tobethebane
ofmyexistence.AndyetIdonotliketoseeanotherhumancry.AndIwantthemtolove
me.
Off the bus and into work, my tightly tied shoes drag me through the petty wage
days, startingme all over again attheend ofalineofclockpunchers.Onebyone,we
volunteerforanothernightmareday.
Loveme. Love me tenderly.I wantto be loved.Perhaps myoverwhelmingneedfor
love stems from growing upasthemiddlechildinahousewith12brothers(allnamed

Jerome). MaybeIneededmoreattentionand affection.MaybeIwanttorockyoulikea

mildthunderstorm.
No one has ever fallen inlove withme. IthinkthisisbecauseIamsofuckingweird.
Thetruthis,I havenothing incommonwithanyone.Inowpushacartfullofbeercases
through the area underneath the grandstands while many of the spectators squeal
above. This duty is somewhat difficult because so many idiotpatrons get inmy way.
Mostof these patronsaredirtymenandlookdepressedbecausethey arelosingtheir
money. Whenthey dowinhere,theyarelosing.Nomatterhowmuchmoneytheyget,it
will never be enough.Yousimplycannotwinbettingonbitches.Yousimply cannotwin,
andthereisalwaysacameraonyou.
Hey,man,youcanjustputthatbeerinthebackofmytruck,saysapatron.
I hear this ora variation of this comment at least ten timesa day.Istoppedmaking
any sort of response years ago. These men, along with their fathers and sons,
mothers,wives,anddaughters,areallhookeduptothesamegiantmechanicalbrain.
This brainhoversabove thestratospherein the bigblackskyandhasnothingtodo
with God. It ismanmade. Fromithang billions ofwires thatareskinnierthanrathair.
Most people (id estthe humanoids)cannotseethesewires. But on a clearday, if I
squinthardenough,I canseeallthewiresplayingDr.Tangleandenteringthebaseof
everyones brains at thebackoftheirnecks.Icutmine longago,anditwasapainless
procedure,seriously.
Nevertheless,I would like tothinkthatIserveaworthwhilepurposeatthisracetrack.
My beer will make some sad men happy, if only for the few fleeting moments of
artificial happiness that a buzz provides. But in reality, the alcohol I supply to these
patrons isnot intendedtomake themhappy so much as it istoimpairtheirwagering
sensibility.I help loosentheirwalletsbysubtlydrowningouttheirmemoryofhowbadly
theysuck.
When one of these sad men bets a twentydollarexactaonthetwoand five dogs,
the mutuel clerk types it intheUnitedTotemachine,whichprintsoutalittleticket.Ifhis
bitchesdo notwin(which will be the case),then thisman justpaidtwentydollarsfora
little whitepieceofpaper,atwominutescrapofhope.Themoneytheirownnightmare
daysafforded them isbeingspentonnothing.Buteverythingmakesperfectsenseas
longasIkeepsquinting.
Mytrucksparkedrightoutfront,buddy.

Boss

Just howhe looksis bad enougha big, tallblack guywith thatbig,Jhericurled hair
and those gaywhite dress shoes. But then hesgotta be talking crazytalk tohimself,
talking one minute about how he hates everybody andcantstandbeingaroundem
andthe next howhe loveseverybody andwantstosaveemall.Heaintright.Herehe
goesagain.
Iam achildinmyromanticism.Iamaflipperbabyinmyidealism.Andadmittedly,I
cannot look an adult in the eye without laughing. But all things considered, I am
fortunate. Studies show that consideringmy personalbackground,family history, and
the habitat inwhichI grewup, I shouldbe injail ordead by now. Dead or injailisthe
condition of most of my brothers, the normal ones of the family. I should bein jail or
dead, but insteadI getthebeertothedogtrackpatronsandlookforwardtomyfuture.
AsIsaid,withoutcontraries,thereisnoprogression.
Yourereallygonnahavetostoptalkingtoyourselflikethat,Isays.Ivehadreports
of you scaring somecustomers. Andby theway,Ive been walking alongside youfor
tenminutes,youcrackhead.
Joe isaredneck. Itsayssoon histruck, says Johnson.But Joedoesnothaveto
advertisehis social status onhisvehicle.Evenifherodeamopedandwalkedaround
with nothing but hisKentuckycapon,hispositionaspurewhitetrashwouldbeevident
just from the empty look on his face, the same look that eightyfive percent of the
peopleinthistownpossess.Rogerthat.
Shut the fuckup,Johnson,Itellhim.Shit,thatboypissesmeoff,buthesahellof a
workerIll give him that. And for some reason, theres something comfortingabout
havinghimworkforme.Plus,hesbeenherelongerthanmeevennearlytenyears.
Hey, man,youcan just putthat beer inthe backof my truck,saysapatron.Ismile
andlaugh. Iwouldnt mind getting thatbeerinthebackofmyowntruck, tobeperfectly
honest.
Joe, I am just trying to get through the nightmare day, says Johnson. If I had
someone to talk to,I would talk to them. For instance, let metalk toyou, Joe. Let me
askyou:Doyouhaveanydreams?
No.
Ido. I want torockitfor thesakeofgoulash onthe conchshellcaviartableoflife.I
amplayingforkeeps,butnotinthegeometricsenseoftheword.
Johnsonlaughsathimselfinthatbig,annoyinglaughofhis.
Shit,boy.Isurewouldliketobeonwhateveryoureon,Itellhim.
Ihateitwhenpeoplesaythingslikethat.

Shit.Comeon,boy.ItsonlyfairthatIdthinkyouwasondrugsbythewayyouact.
Hey, man,Im parked right outside,saysanotherpatron. Ijustkindoflaughpolitely
sinceIheardasimilarjokeaminuteago.Johnsonshakeshishead.
I guess you would find it unfathomableifI told youthatI haveneverdone drugs in
mylifetime,saysJohnson.
No, Icouldntfathomthat.Notwithhowyouare.Andspeciallynotafterhearingyour
brothersaredrugdealers.
Anothercustomerspotsthebeerbeingpushedby.
Hey,man,mytruck
Shut the fuckup! yells Lusteratthecustomer.You peopleactasifyouhavenever
seen beer before! I appreciate your attempts at reaching out withhumor. Ireally do.
Butyouarenotbeingoriginal!Youpeoplearestale.Youpeoplearestale!
Johnson!Shutup!Isays.Imsorry,sir.Hesondrugs.

Luster

Aurora, Ember, Opal, Ray, andI gotdressed up tonight informaleveningwear(shirts

untucked) and wentroller skating all over the downtown streets.Weare tired now, so
we loiter on the sidewalk outside a local hangout, Rookies Sports Bar,occasionally
makinggrotesquefacesatthepatronsinside.
Iamsosickofmypointlessjob.Ialmostgotfiredagaintoday.IthinkIwillquit.
Yousaythateveryday,saysRay.MyeffeminateIraqifriendspeaksthetruth.
I know, but I mean it this time. It is time Icrawl out ofthis lifeandstartgettingbig.
Statement:Inordertodoso,ourrockbandisgoingtohavetostartpracticingmore.
Its not our fault, says Aurora. Despite her confinement to a wheelchair, she still
wearsroller skates. Theonly time weget to practice is when your house isfree.My
beautifulSatanistfriendspeaksthetruth.
We had our first band practice five months ago. Sincethenwe have only had five
practices because we have to work around my brothers schedules.As longas only
onebrother is at myhouse,ourpracticecango on smoothly.Butifthereismorethan
one brother present, our powerpop new wave heavy metal punk rock music cannot
compete withtheir animalism andridicule.Besidesthe problemofmybrothers,Ialso
have to work around the schedules of my bandmates real worldobligations,those
obligationstofamily,work,etcetera,etcetera,nutsack,nutsack,nutsack,nutsack.
To say the least, five practices in five monthsis nottheproper amount ofattention
thatmyhopesanddreamsdeserve.
MaybewecouldtryplayingatOpalsagain.
You saw howmy old neighborscalled thecops on us!saysOpal. My elderly rock
androllfriendspeaksthetruth.
Raylivesinanapartment,sothatisnogood.Whataboutyourhouse,Aurora?
Imstillfighting withmy dad. Hewont evenletmehavefriendsover,letalonehave
abandplayinginhishouse.
Whataboutmyhouse?queriesEmber.
No, littleskittle, says Opal. Wecantrisk yourparents finding out that I letyourun
around with all these guys. They just wouldnt get it, and Id be liable to lose my gig
babysittingyou.
Wewilljusthavetocontinuepracticingatmyshack.WewilljusthavetobuildRome.
Icantwait til weplay ashow, saysAurora. Thats the onlything I missaboutmy
oldjob,beingonstage.
Idbemissinggivingthesailorslapdances,myself,saysOpal.

I think that graduallymy bandmateswillcometoassociatethisbandofourswiththe

futuregood orthegoodfuture,thetomorrowthatcandragusthroughtoday.Theyhave
justthe right amountof discontentandindividualisticlife forcetodriveusupward,and
more importantly, the humanoidsin the real world are showingnosignsof lettingup
on The Conspiracy of Mediocrity, the twohundredyear plan that The Thoughtless
Confederacy subjects us to daily. The humanoids dontknowthatits every ounceof
insincerity andignorancethatfuelsthehoperocketswekeepwithinouramplifiersand
p.a. speakers, those ambitious mechanisms which can propel us out of dead end
town.

IV.ShesGotSpunk
Opal

Theygotussitting inabig,happycirclelikelittlekids inakindergartenclass.Someof

us are in wheelchairs. Some of us are hooked up to machines. Some of us have
grandchildrenwhohaventvisitedusintwoyearsdespitethecheckswesentthem.
But not me. And Imnot dressedpathetically like them either. Whenpeoplegetthis
old, its almost like they give uponfashion altogether.Their outfits are so plainthatI
cantfigureoutwhetherImunderdressedoroverdressed.
The group therapist fag takes roll and doesnt mentionthe factthatone ofusdied
since thelast meeting.Then he pulls out somepapersandsaystakeoneandpassit
overlikehealwaysdoes.
Okay,group.Firstoff,thishandouthasalistofsigns andsymptomsofdepression,
helisps. Now, as I read them off, Id like foryouallto consider whether ornotyouve
beenexperiencingthem.Okay?
Layemonme,Isay.Itsnotlikeanyoneelseskeisterwasgoingtorespond.
Okay. Symptoms of depression: decrease of weight, increase of weight, loss of
motivation, sleeping too much,sleeping notenough, uncontrollable crying, thoughtsof
suicide, becoming slower at everything, loss of concentration, loss of interest, and
isolatingyourselffromeveryone.
Just as I had reckoned, everyone in the world is depressed. The halfdead folks
sittinginthiscirclearenoexception.Youcanalreadysmelltheformaldehyde.
Sothose are just some thingsyoucan be watching for to helpyoudecidewhether
youredepressedornot,ortoseejusthowdepressedyoutrulyare.
Asitusually goes at thesetherapy sessions,therescompletesilence.Idontknow.
Nobody really needs to say anything, Ireckon, becausethelooks on theirfacessayit
all. Theyve got shriveleddispositions and wrinkly brains and blank stares. And Kips
leftwiththetaskoffillingintheblanks,buthesnottoogoodatit.
Wow. Youalllook like yourein really deep thought.Would any of youliketoshare
withthegroupwhatyourethinking?
Ofcoursenoone wants toshareanything. I decide to saysomethingjustbecauseI
cantstandthesilence.
Imthinkingifthisisgasinmystomachorwhat,Isay.
Hmm.Well,didthisfeelingstartafteryouate?Healwayshasafollowupquestion.
Dontworryaboutit, girlfriend.Illmakeout.Youaskedwhatwewerethinking,andI
toldyou.Moveontosomeoneelse.

Well, Opal, I dont think we should skirt the issue. Your gas problem might be a
causeforconcernbecauseitmightbeasideeffectofyourmedication.
Honey, trust me.Itsgas. Imnotonanymedication.Ijustwonderexactlyhowmany
cocksthisguycanfitinhismouth.
Well, okay then. Whateveryousay.Now, Trixie,the last time wemet you saidyou
hadstoppedtaking your medication, and we talked abouthow itsimportantthatallof
you stick with the medicine that youve been prescribed. Sohave you started taking
yourpillsagain?
Icant,answersTrixie.
Whynot?
BecauseJesushasbeentakingthem.
Okay. LikeItoldyou lastweek,Trixie,youregoingtohavetoconfrontJesus.Jesus
hastorealizethatyourmedicationisforyou.
Iknow.Illtalktohimtonight.
Shouldntwebelaughingrightnow?Thatsaquestionthatsalwaysonmymind.Not
laughingatherorwithher,butforher,Iguess.Buttheprincesshasalreadymovedon.
NowBlanche,howisyournewmedicationworkingout?
What does it mean when it feels like my ears are on the bottom of my head?
Blanchereplies.
Ilookaroundtoseeifanyoneelseiswantingtolaugh.Theyrenot.
Well, Im not sure, says Kip.Doyou think your newmedication iscausingyouto
feellikeyourearsareonthebottomofyourhead?
Yeah. Ithink so.Eithercauseof thator causeIma horribleperson,andImgoing
tohell.
No, baby. Youaint goin tohell, says Trixie.YoujustneedtoinviteJesusintoyour
life.Theonlythingis,oncehesthere,youcantgethimtoleave.
I cant take it anymore. Iletoutabig laugh thathadbeen building upasbadasthe
gas in my belly. Trixie laughs some too, along with a few others. Its about the only
signsoflifethisgrouphasshowninthethreemonthssinceIvebeengoinghere.
Its good to laugh, says Kip. Thats the most helpful piece of therapy hes ever
givenus,andhemayhavejusthadthebreakthroughhesbeenhopingfor.

Therapist

I remember from my college group therapy classes how important it is to maintain

control of your group,soI try to steerthingsbackoncourse.Ivefoundthebestwayto
getoutofthesestickysituationsistojustchangethesubject!
Now I think we better move on to Carl. Carl, last week you toldus you wantedto
die.
Carlissooogrumpy!Herefusestosmile!
Yes.Thatsright,andthanksforbringingitupagaininfrontofeveryone.
Well,excusemefordoingmyjob!Uhhuh.Now,doyoustillfeelthisway?
Yep. I still want to die. Im tired of this life. In fact, I would like to die as soon as
possible.
Okay.Well,Carl,hearingyousaythatreallysaddensme,becauseIcareaboutyou,
andsodoestherestofthegroup.WedontwantCarltodie,dowe,group?
Theyjustkindofmumbleno.Theyarenohelp.(Asusual!)
You said the same damn thing last week and the week before that,says Carl. I
justdontcareanymore. ImoldandImtiredandImsickofyoutellingmethatIshould
livewhenIdontwantto.
WellIwanttohelpyou.Ireallydo.
You people just dont understand. I wantto help.Can Ihelpyou? No. Ifyoureally
wanttohelp,praytoGodthatIdie.Say,Lord,pleasekillCarl.
Well, Im just not going to do that, Carl. I think back to my favorite textbooks.
HmmOkayscenario: What if you could have one wishanything in the whole,
wideworld.Whatwoulditbe?
Todiebeforenoon,hereplies.
Hey,its11:45,saysOpal.Youbetterwatchout,Carl!
Opal,please! Dont be so insensitive.Carlishurtingrightnow.Sheisawful!Iwish
shewouldgosomeplaceelse.
Thatsokay,saysCarl.Idontmind.Itiskindoffunny.
Well,I dont thinkitis.Carl,remind mebeforeyouleavetohaveyousignasuicide
contract for me. He waves hishand dismissivelyat me.Well,okay.Letstalkabout
youthen,Opal.Haveyoumadeanylifestylechangessincewelastmet?
Youmeanhave I quitgettinsome derriere? No! Atmyage,whatdifferencedoesit
make?

Well, your nieces sent you here becausethey wereworried thatyouwere being a
little promiscuous,and theythoughtthatwas a bitabnormal, andtobehonest,Iwould
havetoagree.
Whats wrong with being abnormal? she asks defensively. Okay, Kip. Stay in
control.Keepittogether.
Well,nothing.IguessIshouldnthaveusedthatword.MaybeImeantunhealthy.
Layoff,Kip.
Imightbemadifshehadntcalledmebyname.
Well,letmeaskyouthis:Whydoyouthinkyoubehavethewayyoudo?
Icouldaskyouthesamething.
Thinkfast,Kip.
ButIhaventbeenspendingthenightwithstrangementhatImetinbars.
ThatsnotwhatIheard.
That old bitch!The whole groupis laughing at menow, evenComatoseConnie,as
we at the nursing home like to call her. This is the most life the group has ever
displayed.
Okay. Very funny. You won this round. But you neveransweredmy question. Why
doyouthinkyoubehavelikeyoudo?
I dont know. Iguess causeI just haveatarlitload of wild oats tosow. Luster tells
meImagingbackwards.
AndLusteristheyoungAfricanAmericangentlemanwithwhomyousocialize?
Yeah.Theblackguy.
Okay. Well, thats interesting. Why do you think you associate with someone so
markedlyoutsideyourownsocialgroup?
CauseImloonyinmyoldage.Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?
No.Iwanttohearthetruth.
Hewantstohearthetruth,echoesCarl,mockingme.Thegrouplaughs.Urgh!
Fine,Kip. Truthfully,I reckon Iamloony.I guessyou couldsayI alwayshavebeen.
Neverbotheredmarrying aman.Nevercouldstartupafamily. Neverhadthedesireto
becalledmammaw. I dontknow.AllIknowisImeightyyearsold, andIdontwantto
die.
As Opal is talking, I notice that she has the entire groups undivided attention. I
wonderifIshouldcutheroffassheramblesonandon.

Andwhy not go wildin your twilight zone? Why screwaround,springbreakinwhen

youre a stupid kid and you gotta live with yourself and your mistakes forsixtymore
years? My timeis rightnow.I drink,Ismoke,Igetlaid,andImalive,goddammit.Ifyou
gotaproblemwiththat,thenyoucanjustkissmyelderlywhiteass.
Poor thing. She probably doesnt even know what shes saying. After hearing her
talk like that today, Im afraid her nieces wererightin wanting toputher in a nursing
home.
Okay. Well,thatsnice,thoughI really wish youdtonethe languagedown. Butlets
move onto Gertie. Now,Gertie,youve beenhavingtroublekeepingyouroxygenfrom
gettingdisconnected.Whydoyouthinkthatis?

Opal

I dont know why we have to hang aroundat the public swimming pool, whatwithhow
somany people secretly pissin it.Buttheresnothingelsetodointhispoorexcuseof
atown, andat least Ray likes ithere.EmberandIbroughtourbassessinceneitherof
uslikesto swim, andIm teachinghersomeMaiden.Meanwhile,Aurorasplayingthat
gameshelikeswiththeguys.
Areyoumorelikefleeceorleather?sheasks.
Fleece,saysLuster.
Leather,saysRay.
Areyoumorelikepancakesorwaffles?
Waffles,saysLuster.
Waffles,saysRay.
Areyoumorelikeabathorashower?
Abath,saysLuster.
Ijustcantknow.Ijustcannotanswerthat,saysRay.
I make Ember play Innocent Exile with me. Shes really getting good. Shehas a
crudloadofpotential.
Thatsgood! Isay. Youall, this girlgetsbettereveryday!Illdeclare,shecanplay
asdirtyasCliffBurton.
Rockonward,rabidchild,hollersLuster.
Isuredohopewecangoontourorsomethingwiththisband,Isay.Imthinkingby
the waytheyve been talking,my nieces and thattherapist boyare wanting tolockmy
rearupinahome.
Wewontletthem,saysAurora.
I wontletem,either.Imnotgonnaletemdoanythingwithme,justaslongasIcan
rememberwhoIam.
While I was talking, Ember ran offto splash water on the tanningpeople, and now
Aurorahasresumedhergame.
Areyoumorelikebaconorsausage?
Sausage.Definitelysausage,saysLuster.
Sausage,Iagree.
Ray doesnt answer,thoughImfairlysurehewouldsaybacon.Hesmesmerizedby
somemustachedfellowacrossthewaywhosrubbingonsuntanlotion.

Excuseems, says Ray, andheprancesoff toward theman. Igotta giveittohim.

That Ray suredoes have sticktoitiveness. With aspiritlikethat,oneofthese days,
hes gonnafindexactly themanhes beenlooking for.Course,thatneverdidworkfor
me.
There he goes again. Aurora and I watch Ray do his thing. So how are things
goingwithyouandtheKensFriedChickenguy?
Ooh! Great!saysAuroracheerily. I reallythinkherespectsme.Heseasytowork
with,andhehasntevenaskedmeforablowjob.
Maybeyouvefinallyfoundagoodone,Isay.
God,Ihopeso.
Its just so hard for unusual people like us to find anyone. I reckon thatsone ofthe
reasons why I finally got so Id just take anybody, around the time I turned
seventythree.
Wehearsomeoneyellfaggot,andRaycomesscurryingbacktous.
Noluck?Iask.
No. Iwas mistaked.I hatethis.ButatleastIwasabletoblockthepuncheshegave
me.
Cheer up, Ray Fuquay, says Luster. You want to go for a dip? I know how that
makesyoufeelwell.
Okay!
Luster cant even swim,but heknows Raydoesnt like togetinthepoolbyhimself.
Luster can be a realgood guy if helikesyou,justlikehecanbeameanolsonbitchif
he doesnt. Hes got so much to offer people, if theydjustgivehimachance,and if
hedjustgivethemachance.Butitsprettyrarethatbothsidesarewilling.
AsIm proceeding to teachEmbersomeDeadKennedys,RayandLusterclimbon
up out of the pool. Were right in the middle of Stealing Peoples MailwhenI hear
Auroragasp.IlookuptoseethatLustersshortshavefallendown.
Inthestationwagononthewayhome,Lusterwontspeaktoanyofus.
Luster, dont feelbadly,saysRay.You cheeredmeupmajorly.Youmademefeel
muchmoremannishaboutmymanhoodtoday.
Shutup,gaywad,repliesLuster.
Luster, Ive known about yourtinywangforacoupleofyears,Isay.Whatsthebig
deal?Ihaventtreatedyouanydifferently,haveI?

He doesnt answer me, but I know him well enough to knowhow to getthrough to
him.
Luster,Imsurprisedyoudontseethepoetryinthis.
Whatdoyoumean,woman?heasks.
Why, youre such an original, its in your bones. You were born not to be like all
thosetypicals.
At this, he smilesand laughs that greatbig wild laugh,forgettinghisworry.Ihaveto
admit,Iwouldvemadeagreatmother.ItisashameInevercouldfindadecentmanin
thisworldthatlikedmeback.

V.MeccaLeccaHigh
Ray

Asitgoes so oftenly,my wifeis cooking thekitchen whenI get tomyapartmentafter

thework.Shewearsbunneduphair,anapron,andmakesthehousesmellforeign.
Hey,honey.Howwastheworktoday?asksshe.
Eh,shittyasusual.
Milkah, Aymon,andI sit down for the dinner. Every nightwe try to do this. TonightI
noticeAymons strange clothingsfor the 1thtime, Ithink. Hewears a baseballjersey,
but not to baseball in. He wears gold necklaces and backward baseball cap. He
remindsmeofthedressingsofLustersbrothers.
My son is funky. I feel more normal now. If only my wifecould loosen up andwear
sweatpantsonceinalifetime.
The utensils scrape and chink the plates, and that is all we have. I just must say.
Something.
So, Aymon,I heard younot in coming home last nightat all. Whattimedidyouget
in?
Boutsixa.m.
Whatwereyoudoingoutsolate?OrshouldIsayitearly?
Idontknow.
I try so hard to father him,buthes never home any more. No blame onhimfor not
wanting to be here.Hismotherand Iconstantlyyellwords.Meanones.ThatswhyIve
beenoutwith friends so much.Needing toget away from this place.At leastIalways
get home way before the bedtime. But my son is only 16and should notbe outthat
late(orearly),andIwanttodosomefatheringhere.
Wereyousleepingwithgirls?
Comeon,Dad.
Whatwereyoudoing?Cantyoutellme?!
MywifesuddenlyyellswordsinArabic,andIdontwanttohearit.
No! Do not revert to the old language! I command. We agreed that in the new
home, wewouldspeak newhomeslanguage.Now,answerit,Aymon.Whatwereyou
doingoutuntilsixa.m.?
IguessIwaspracticinrappin.
Whatdoyoumean,rappin?voicesMilkah.

You know. Rappin. Like: Thundercat, Thundercat, Thundercat, whoa. Kitty litter,
LionO. Mecca lecca hi, mecca tinyho. Futon, crouton, Idont know. Bythe powerof
Grayskunkhe,climbedintotheshitwithme.
Oh myass.Ihearthisrhythmictalkingcomingfrommyonlychildslips,andIseethe
wife has a terrified look on herface. Justlikemine. For once, my wifeandI haveon
thesamepagedness.
Listen to him! cries Milkah. Look at him! Look at what this country has doneto
himtous!Areyouhappy,Raykeem?!
Quiet!Iorder.Please,Aymonwhotaughtyouhowtodothisstuff?
I learned it from my friends atschool.Westarted ourown rap group. Were called
MothahMayI.
Mywifecoversherface.IguessaloneImustdothedealingwiththis.
Son, Imgladyoufoundaplaceformusicinyourheartandlife.Iplayband,too.But
judging by what I just heard you did, Imust nowaskyou somethingIalways hoped
thisdaywouldnevercome.Sonhaveyoubeensmokingmarijuanacigarettes?
Milkahuncoversherface.Westareatourson.Afraidoftheanswer.
UhhIdontknow.Kindof?
My wifescreams Arabically. I covermy ears to shield it.She pulls my hands offthe
ears.
Thatisit!WearemovingbacktoIraq!shesays.
Back, back,movin back to Iraq. Got myfoot inacastanda fannypack,rapsmy
son.
Itcantbeso!Imouthloudly.Wecantgobacknow!
TwolokedoutGsplayinpinball,madcollectorsofrareantiquedolls.
Weve lived here two years, Raykeem. Face thisyou are not going to find that
man!
YesIwill!
Whatareyalltalkingbout?questionsAymon.IsDadgay?
No!saysI.Iwishpeoplewouldstopsayingthat!
Notgay.Ipromise.
Ill tellyouwhat I talkabout,saysMilkah. Doyouwanttoknowwhywerearranged
ourlivesandmovedtoAmerica?
Ithoughtitwasforfreedom.
Weliedtoyou,saysmywife.

Wife
We moved to this country because your father wants to apologize to an American
soldierthatheshotintheGulfWar.

I had never heard myself say it aloud before. Itseven stupider sounding intheair
than inthehead.My husbandisafoolishmanwithfoolishideas.Iwasafoolforgiving
upmylifeforhimandfollowinghimhere.
Why?mysonasks.
I justfeel awfulaboutit,saysRaykeem.Fool! War is whatmen do! Theyshootat
each other. Men have always fought, sincebefore men weremen. They havealways
fought wars and always made love. Perfectly natural. Why should he feel awful about
it?Itisnotasifitissomethingpersonal.
Whydidntyoutellme?asksAymon.
IdidntwantyoutothinkIwasabadpersonforshootingsomeone,saysRaykeem.
Thats not the only reason. He doesnt want his son to tell people that his father is
totallynutballsinthehead.
IdidnttellyoubecauseIdidntwantyoutothinkyourfatherwasfruitcake,Isay.
Ialreadythoughtthat.Lookathowhedresses.
Ilookathisfather.Heiswearingthestringytanktopandshortshortslikehelikes.
ThisishowUnitedStatespeoplesdress!saysRaykeem.
RaykeemFuquay is notgay. He looksand actslikeso, sissyandloveyandso,but
heisallman.Idowishhewereintopenisforanexcusetogetoutofallthis.
Howdoyouknowtheguyyouwoundedliveshere?asksAymon.
Idont for surely, but hesgotta be locatedsomewheredownherenearby.Isawhe
was wearing a Kentucky Wildcats logo on his military helmet. We chose to settlein
thistownfornowsincethereweresomanyofsuchlogosseenhere.
Ilookatmysonlookingathisfatherstrangely.
Look,Irealizeourreasonsformovingheremayseemsomewhat,uh
Retarded?saysAymon.
Yes. But who gives a care?! Noregretshere! continues Raykeem. Ive grownto
love this wacky country. I love the people. So diverse. Could I be friends with black
menandlittlegirlsinIraq?
Icannolongertakethismansshit.Ijumpupandthrowmynapkinonthetable.
I run off to the bedroom before they can stop me. I dont careifwe ever sit atthe
eating table again. I dont care if either of them follows me back. I want to go back
wherewebelong.Idontcare,evenifIbreakthishomeforgood.

Ray

We practice the band music in Lusters dirty living room. It is tiny here. Not a good
place to be in general. We dont make it better, because Imnotforsuresome, but I
thinkourmusicissuckingbadly.
Aurora got the beatbuthitscymbalsandfloortomtoooftenly.Shesgivingoffabad
noise.Embers fourstring thing istoobig forher, and she barelycan standupwithit.
Opal plays electric guitar awesomely, but she playssolos when she probably should
not. I am having bad trouble remembering what I amplayingon mykeyboard guitar.
ButatleastLusterisputtingeverythingintheworldintohissinging.
Girl,you movelikea squirrel!he sings. I said giriririrl,youmovelikeasquirrel!
AndIfoundthecuretothecommoncold.Itsyou!
Then young Ember fallsoverwith her bigguitaron topof her.Lustertellsustostop
playing.
That sucked a possums ass, he says. Thatwas crap quadrupled.I do not even
know if that was rock music or not. Ray, did you even know what song we were
playing?
HygeneBygene,right?Iasks.
No!shoutsLuster.ItwasSquirrellyGirl!Wasthatnotobvious!?
Im sorry. I have a lot on the mind. Like others, Luster gets very impatient
sometimes.Heseemsobsessedwithmovingforward.WhileIamfeelingsobehind.
Fine, he mouths. Let us move on to Classroom Assroom. You start that one,
Ray.
Right. Itell myfingerstoplayanopeningmelody,whenInoticethatLusterisgiving
meadirtyone.
Holdon,hesays.ThatwasnotClassroomAssroom.ThatwasIronicDecency.
ImIm sorry. To behonestly,I had noidea of what Iwasplaying.Itmayverywell
havebeenSpinDoctorsforeverythingIknow.
Istheresomethingwrong,RayFuquay?asksLuster.
Itsits just thatmy wifeand Ihadthebig fight last night. Now shesgoingtotake
mysonandreturntoIraq.
OhmyGod.Issheserious?asksAurora.
Afraidso.Shewaspackingupherjamasthismorning.
Bummer,saysLuster.No,letmeupdatethat.Thatisaflamingbummer.

Theyalltell me they aresorry.I dontknow if itsthelanguageor what. Butitshard

to give up appropriate responses when people say theyre sorry in sorry situations.
Others havethisproblem.I saidIm sorry ata funeral once here.Thewomansaid,I
amtoo.Wordscantgetitthroughsometimes,orallthetimes.
Thankyou.Butokay,ClassroomAssroom,taketwo.
Hey, you havehad a roughdaytoday,Ray,wordsAurora.Maybeweshouldcallit
anight.
Perhapsso,voicesLuster.ThispracticeissuckingBelindaCarlisleanyhow.
With the day problemsgettingin on the nightsthunder.Itseemslikethatishowour
practicesalwaysend.
We dont suckthatbad for aband thatsonly practiced like fiveor sixtimes,says
Aurora,takingdownthedrums.
Exactly. That isthe problem,tonguesLuster.This wasonlyoursixthpractice.We
shouldbepracticinglikesixtimesaweekifwereallywanttogetsomewhere.
Youknowyourbrotherswouldntgoforthat,saysOpal.
We hear deep, booming carspeakersthat shake the wholehouse.Anotherformof
nightsthunderworkingagainstus.Boom,boomboom.
Speaking of my brothers, here they are, yells Luster overthenoise.Aurora, why
notpatchthingsupwithyourdad?Yourhousewouldbeperfectforpractice.
Luster is right. Aurora has a soundproof basement, and she lives in a rich
neighborhood with not much neighboring. But as it goes so oftenly, a person is the
problem.SinceAurorawentSatanist,herdadwillnotspeaktoher.
Its not that simple. Hes convinced were like a death metal band. I know he
wouldntallowit,saysAurora.
Tell him we are not death metal. Tell him we are a powerpop new wave heavy
metalpunkrockbandthatrockstothefifthpowerimpossibly,speaksLuster.
The noise from outside stops, and three of Lusters brothers enter. They are big
guys wearing sunglasses, basketball jerseys, bandanas, baggy jeans, gold jewelry,
andallnamedJerome.
Ah,fuck.Yallfreakymothahfuckasplayinthatfreakyshitagain?wordsJerome.
Yes,Jerome,youassface.Wecallitrockmusic,saysLuster.
Jerome throws abrownpaperbagonthecouch.Icantelljustbylookingatitthatits
probobably bad. But Itotallyrealizeitmightonlybegroceries.IdontcarewhatLuster
says.Peoplestilldeservethedoubtbenefit.

Well, speaking of rock, little brother, Jerome and me finally got us a shitload of
crack rock, ya know whumsayin,and wegonna sell that shitnow,know whumsayin,
soyouandyourmothahfuckinfriendsshouldfuckoff,yaknowwhumsayin.
I could not speak worse. Jerome throws a big gun down on the coffee table. The
otherJeromesstandonbothsidesofAurora.
Shit, Jerome, says Jerome. We might let this one stay, ya know whum sayin.
Whuzup.
Hi,saysAurora.Shelooksveryuncomfortablelike.
Whuzup,wordsJerome.
Iguess congratulations are inorderformybrothers, says Luster. Sellingcrackis
the pinnacle of their earthly careers. They have been waiting their whole lives to
graduatefromsellingmarijuanaandacidtosellingcrack.
Shityeah,mothahfucka,repliesJerome.
Why not reward yourself by watching Scarface for the thousandth time? asks
Luster.
Probablywill,youknowwhumsayin,repliesJerome.
I think I am the only one that notices that Ember has just taken a Ziplocbag full of
whitish stuff out of Jeromes brownish bag. But thiscould still begroceries. Shecan
easilyhidethebaggieunderneaththebigTshirtslikeshewears.
I say nothing. Ember is avery bright badgirl.Imsuresheknowshowshesdoing.I
dont want to get anyone in trouble. So I keep it quiet. I shut my mouthhole and let
thingsbe.
The brothers still stare at Aurora. She smiles nervous like. In public places, she
always feels selfconscious. Thinks people are looking at her. But that is probably
becausetheyare.Rightnowissuch.
Uhh, Luster, maybe I could denounce Satan for the sake of the band, she says
nervilously.Besides,mydadisaminister.Hesalwayspreachingaboutforgiveness.
SodoesmyheartlesswifewithherAllah,Allah,Allah.

VI.RagingWhoreMoans
Aurora

Does anyoneever look atmeandfeel guiltyfor havinglegsthatwork? Dotheycount

their blessings?Dotheypityme?OrdotheycursethefactthatIdmakealousywhore
andthatImauselesswasteofass?
I dont haveto worry about that lastquestionwithDavid.Hetreatsmelikehedtreat
anyone. I might as well not havethe wheelchair. Of course, he has his flaws,butnone
of themaretragic.HishairremindsmeofaBackstreetBoy,helikesjewelrytoomuch,
andhe dresses way too plainly. Plus,Impretty sure hes one of thoseguyswhowent
from liking country to rap between his sophomore and junior years and changed his
wardrobe accordingly. But the superficial stuff doesnt matter anyway. Just so hes
goodtome.
SoIsaid,IdtellyoubutthenIdhavetokillyou!saysDavid.Ohyeah.Hissense
of humor is wayaverage, too.The Mexicanguyhes talking tolaughsat himanyway,
though.
All right.Well keep intouch,bro,saysDavid,doingwhathecallsnetworking.You
gohelpyourselftosomechicken.Getoneofthegirlstopumpyousomebeer.
Thankyou,saystheMexicanguy.Davidturnstome.
That reminds mewe should eat Mexican sometime. I know of a place that has
phenomenalburritos.
Yum,Isay.
Aguyeatingachickenlegrunsintome.Iguesshedidntseemedownhere.
Excuseme,Isay.
Whoa.Sorry.Didntseeyoudownthere.
Im ataparty at Davids apartment, orhis bachelors pad as he likes to callit.He
hasoneofthesepartiesaboutonceamonthfornoreasonandinviteshisworkersand
his oldfriendsfromhigh school.He hasareallynice place,buthalfthepartyisalways
outsideonthesidewalkwherethesmokersare.
Acoupleofthegirlsaretryingto
toDavid,butImkindofintheirway,sotheyhavetomaneuveraroundme.
Oh,Imjustgettingineverybodyswaythestoryofmylife.
After hearing me say this, David doesnt offer me any sort of reassurance, which
kindofpissesmeoff.Irollbacktowardthewall,outoftheway.
Greatparty,saysoneofthegirls.
Yeah.Kickass,saysanother.

Thanks, girls. All I have to say is party hard tonight, cause youre gonna have to
workhardtomorrow. Weregonna be uptoourassesin alligatorsoncethenewliquid
chickenspecialstarts.But,uh,workhard,playhard.Right,girls?
Thatsright.
Thatsmygirls.Nowgoeatsomechicken.
The girls walk away, and David notices me over by myself against the wall. He
suddenlypullsfromhispantsoneofthosecheapdisposablecameras.
Heylooksexy!
Iofferhimaseductivebutplayfulglance,andhetakesmypicture.
Imjustgonna come out and say it.Youarelookingphalangelickinggoodtonight,
hesays.
Thanks.
Healreadysaidthatoncetometonight.
David normally wouldnt be so insincere and careless like that. This reinforces a
theory I have about people. My theory goes like thisif you want to be with a real
personandexperiencethatpersonsessence,youmustbealone withthem.Theeyes
and ears of any additional persons subtract from hisor her essence. If yougooutto
eat with two of your best friends,youwillnot bewith two complete persons, and they
wont behave as genuinely as they would if they were alone with you. If youareat a
crowded party with a friend, you only get a fraction of his or her real self. Apply the
same idea on a national, global, or even evolutionary scale, and everything thathas
everhappenedmightmakebettersense.

Boyfriend
To be honest, everybody is looking good tonight. I look around and see ass.Sweet
ass.SweetassthatIknowforafacttobesweet,ifyoucatchmymeaning.

Hey, David, Ive been meaning to talk to you about something, says Aurora.Oh,
great.This better not be oneof those talks like,Oh, Iwanttoknowwhereweare right
now,andthatsortofshit.
Talktome.Herboobs rule.Toobadshesinawheelchair.OtherwiseIdbehitting
it.Idtearthatup.
Well,mybandstryingtogetonamoreconsistentpracticeschedule.
Cool.Cool.Norelationshipbullshit.
Iknow.So,wedefinitelywanttopracticeThursdaynights,andIwaswondering
Sure.YoucanhaveThursdaysoff.
Really?
Yeah.IllgivethatshifttoCandy.
Ohareyousureshewontmind?
Yeah.Sheowesmeanyhow.Itscool.
Thanks,David.YourethebestbossIveeverhad.
Baby,dontthinkofmeasyourboss.Imalsoyourboyfriend.
I know. Thanks for being so good to me. Most guyswouldnteven take a chance
hiringagirlinawheelchair.
Mostgirls in a wheelchairdontlookthatfucking hot. Besides, shesjustthebiscuit
maker.
Heyyourestillbeautiful.
Thanks.
Im the man. Now is the perfect time to pop her the question. Ive beenwaitingfor
thismomentsinceIhiredhersweetass.
Hey,whileweretalking,theressomethingIvebeenmeaningtoaskyouabout.
Is it about the popcornchicken special?I swearI thoughtbiscuits wereincluded
and
No. Forget about that.Its about this idea Ihave.Howwouldyou feel aboutposing
foracalendar?
IdontthinkIdlikethat,ifitsthekindofcalendarIthinkitis.
Ohno nudity, baby. Im talking about bikinis, maybe lingerie, and maybe sortof
holdingyourowntittieskindofstuff.Tastefullydone,ofcourse.
Thats what they all say. Thats something I may have done back when I was a
stripper.Butnotanymore.

This iswhatI was afraid of. Timeto turnontheolDavidcharm.Iactallbashfuland

shit.
Um,well,um,whatifyouknewthatIwastheonemakingthecalendar?
ThatwouldntmakeanydifferenceWhywouldyoubemakingacalendar?
Itsfor business. Heresthe deal:theGirlsofKensFriedChickenCalendar.Itsthe
ultimatechickenpromo!
Haveanyoftheothergirlsagreedtothis?
Yeah.Allofem.ButIvebeensavingDecemberjustforyou.
ButIminawheelchair.Thatsnotsexy.
We can work around that, babe. I lean down close toher, lookat her right inthe
eye,andwhisper,Youstillhaveagreatchest.Sowillyoudoit?
Justforgetit.Imnotinterested.
Ungrateful bitch. This is, like, not cool. I can see that shes gonna need some
convincing,soIcalloveracoupleofhercoworkerstolayonthepeerpressure.
Whatsup?asksChristy.
Girls,trytalkingsomesenseintoAurora.Shedoesntwanttobeinthecalendar.
Whynot?askbothofmygirls.
Ijustthinkitskindofdegrading,yapsAurora.
Remember when we worked at the Busy Booty? asks Kristie. Now that was
degrading.
Yeah. It was degrading, andthatswhyIstoppedworkingthere,saysAurora.ButI
guessImightaswellstillbethereifImstilljustapieceofassevenatafreakingKens
FriedChicken.
Honey,theBusyBootywouldnttakeyoubacknowinthatwheelchair.
Thankyouforremindingme,Christy.
Look,Imjustgiving yougirlsachancetoshowoffyourbodies,Itellthem.Ifigured
youwouldlikethat,judging by the wayyoudress,Aurora.Sheswearingasweetass
dressthatreallyshowsoffthoseuselesslegsofhers.
Youshouldntjudgepeoplebythewaytheydress,duh.
ThatstrueSowillyouposeformycalendar?
No!God,David,Ithoughtyouweredifferent!Ithoughtyourespectedme!
Aurora,Idorespectyou.ImeanIhaventevenaskedyouforablowjobyet.
Idontdothat.

Oh,comeon,Aurora.Youreapreachersdaughter.
Andanexstripper,addsChristy.
AndaSatanist,addsKristie.
ExSatanist.Mydadblessedme lastnight. Anyhow, so sorryto disappoint youall.
Am I the only woman on earth who finds the thought of having a dick in her mouth
revolting?
Kristienods.Christylicksherlipsandcloseshereyes.
Look, Aurora, Im sorry, but like you said, mostguyswouldnt have evenhiredyou.
Youre doing well to make biscuitsat my Kens Fried Chicken. Now dontyouwantto
continueworkingthere?
She looksupand sees meandthegirlslookingdownather.Thenshegetsupfrom
herwheelchairandwalksoutthedoor.
Stupidbitch.Notcool.Sonotcool!

Aurora
Im glad to leave my wheelchair behind forever with that sleaze and those girls, the
slutswhose mostambitious hopeandonly chancefor greatness istosomedaysleep
with the President. The wheelchair bit was good while it lasted but ultimately
ineffective.Itwaslikeamoralityjokethatnoonegot,muchlikemystrippingcareer.
Ill bethe firstto admitthatIwasafoolfordatingDavid.Anyonecanlookathimand
tell what hesallabout,butIwastryingtopracticewhatIpreachandbeopenminded.I

suppose Luster is right. Yougivepeople the benefit ofthedoubt, andtheydisappoint

youeverytime.
Thatsmyhouse,Isaytothecabbie.
You live there? he asks as hepullsupto the mansion, its gates emblazoned with
wroughtironBsforBuchanan.
Yeah. Thanks for the ride. I pay the manand getoutand notice thathes looking
me up and down, at my slutty black dress, my leather jacket, and my prostitutered
lipstick.
What?Isnapattheforeignerthroughhisopenwindow.
Nothing.
Droppingmeoffherewasprobablythehighlightofhisweek.
ThefirstthingIhearuponenteringthefrontdooristheexcitedvoiceofLuster.
Whyhewouldbeinmyhome,Ihavenoidea.
Iagree, Reverend! God isinsideallofus!Lusteraffirms. Holy crud.Hestalkingto
my dad. He or She or It reverberatesin thepower chords thathitthe hammer, anvil,
andstirrups.When Iam rockingitlikeamanchildin loveis when I amgodlike.Rock
music is my religion. I believe in rock music. Furthermore, I rock it impossibly. And
Reverend,I believe in rockmusictohelpmethrough thenightmareday,andsomeday
rockmusicwillleadmetomyownprivateparadise.
Icantinterruptjustyet.Ihavetolistentomyfathersresponsetothis.
Interesting, saysFather, orReverend Buchananashes known totherest ofthe
community.Thatscertainlyonewaytolookatthings.
Itis,agreesLuster.
But now, Luster,I hopeinyourquestforyourownprivateparadise,yourenotgoing
towindupchokingonyourownvomitlikethoserockstarstendtodo.
No, Reverend. I amnot arock androll clich. Ithoughtyouwouldhavenoticedthat
bynow.What I mean is thatI want myheaventobehereonland.Afterall,asVladimir
Nabokov wrote,Thehereafterforallwe know maybe aneternalstateofexcruciating
insanity.Sowhynothaveheavenondirt?
Youtalktoomuch!Canwegonow?begsanothervoice.Embershere,too.
Isntshe precious? observes my father.Ithink itsgreat thatyouallhavefoundan
outletinmusic.
Outlet, inlet, call it what youwill,willyou?saysLuster.They say that nomanisan
island,butIamapeninsula.

Its so funny to hear Luster and my dad conversing,listeningtothe minglingof two

parts of my life that had until now been kept separate. Its kind of like your favorite
teacher having a drink with your uncle, or your therapist watching TV with your
coworkers.IwishIcouldgeteveryonetogether,justtoseewhatwouldhappen.
Its alsofunny justto think of Lustertalking to anyones parent. Strangely, Ive never
heard him speak of his own parents. Im pretty sure his older brothers practically
raised him (orsomethingto thateffect),and that as the middle child ofthirteen, he in
turnhelpedtakecare of theyounger six. But Lusteris just one of those guys whoyou
dont even think of as having parents. He couldnt have come from a typical carnal
unionoftwootherpeople.Aguylikethatmusthavespontaneouslygenerated.
Andwhatsthenameofyourband?asksFather.
Idonotknowyet,butrightnowweareleaningtowardWellEducatedWhiteMales.
Gooddeal,saysFather.
OrtheFuxtables!saysEmber.
Thewhat?asksmyfather,andthereismycuetoenterthelivingroom.
Whereareyourwheels?!Lusterasksurgently.
Screwem.IleftthematDavids.Whatareyoutwodoinghere?
Wewantedtoseeifwecouldhelpsmooththingsoverwithyouandyourdad.
Oh. Thats not necessary. Dad and I had a nice long talk last night. This is how
badly Luster wants this band to work out. He must havetakenabus from his endof
towntothisoneinhopesofsecuringus apracticespace.HeevenbroughtEmberand
herirresistiblycuteface.
Yes. We talked everythingout,saysFather. Weblessed her andhavewelcomed
herback.Weveputthosedarkdaysbehindus.NomoreSatan,right?
Nomore Satan,I agree.My Satanismwas just aphase. Allteenagersgothrough
phases,butIlikeforminetobemomentous.Admittedly,Iwasprettystupid.
Dad, Im sorry. I hope Luster didnt frighten you. I see Ember crawling out ofthe
room,gettingherkneesallashylikelittlekidsdo.
Oh, we ended up having a great talk. Luster has to be the most wellread young
manIveeverspokento.Luster,youarewelcomeinmyhomeanytime.
Father doesnt know how Luster weighs all words. He lovesmaking people mean
whattheysay.
Inthatcase,goodReverend,Iwillbestayingthenighttonight.

Father
Imustchangethesubjectimmediately.Ifonlyanewtopicwillcome.Ahh,yes.
So! Rory! Youre walking again! Wasnt that crazy, Luster? A perfectly healthy
young girl choosing to bear the burden of riding around in a wheelchair? Have you
everheardofsuchathing?
Actually,itwasLustersidea.
Oh?
Theyoung man nods. Ishould beresentful ofhim,Isuppose,forleadingthefleshof
my flesh down such a crooked path. But I cant conceive what wild placethis mans
titillating thoughts come from, and I am interested in hearing his justifications. So I
listen.

Reverend, let us be frank.Yourdaughteris beautiful, andnaturally thereare many

men out therewho would liketomakehertheirownpersonalwhoopeecushion.When
ImetAurora,shewastiredandsickofbeingseenasasexualobject.
Okay,Luster,thatsenough,saysRory.
No, I say. I need to hear this. Goon, Luster. Inotice theadorablelittle girlis no
longer in our presence. She must have grown tired of this grownup intercourse. My
newAfricanAmericanfriendcontinues.
Aurora tried dealing with her sexuality in her own hysterical way, but then I
suggested the wheelchair idea. I thought if Aurora made herself deadfromthe waist
down, that would take sex outofthe equationin regards toherdealings withpeople,
because,afterall,intraditionalcopulation
Luster! He gets the idea! interrupts Rory at the climax of the young mans
explanation.Itactuallywasntthatridiculousanidea.
Why didntyoutellmethatsthereasonwhyyouwereridingaroundinawheelchair,
Rory?
I didnt think youd understand. Besides, every time we talked, you just started
yellingatmeforbeingaSatanist.
Right.MydaughtertheSatanist.Ilookdownwardandshakemyheadindisgust.
Ihadnothingtodowiththat,Reverend,assertstheboy.
Lookitwasacreativewaytorebel,okay?saysmydaughter.
I must admit, perhaps this creative rebellion of Rorys makes a favorable
alternative to the rebellion of her older sister. Stacy saw to it that she became
impregnated. Then she dropped out of high school and moved inwith anolder man
(whowas probably notthe father).Chad soonlefther,andIthenboughtherahomein
California where she failed as an actress, got her G.E.D., went to college, and
became an atheist. However, she assures me that, though shes notreligious,shes
veryspiritual.
SoItakeitthewheelchairideadidntworkaswellasexpected.
Not really, replies theboy.We failed toconsider blow jobs. That iswhy shealso
shouldhavepretendedtohavelockjaw.
Luster!Shutup!demandsRory.
Nowbenice,Rory.LusterisourguestSowhyarentyouinyourwheelchairnow?
I realized tonight that people are gonna judge me no matter what. My boyfriend
showedmethatImjust,like,breastsandthighstohim,justlikeIamtoeveryone.

Rory, dont say that! I bawl. You are so much morethan breasts and thighs. You
have a gorgeous soul, especially now since you retrieved it from the Prince of
Darkness. However,do you think thatmaybeifyou wouldwearsomebaggierclothes,
perhapssomeculottes,theseguyswouldnttreatyouliketheydo?
Ilikemyclothes!WhyshouldIhavetorearrangemywardrobeforothers?
You rode in a wheelchair because of others, didnt you? Rory, youre not being
consistent.
You are right, Reverend, says the articulate young man. She is not being
consistent,butherinconsistencyissomethingyoushouldloveabouther.
Whatdoyoumean,goodbuddy?
Wouldyou prefer she beconsistentto the behaviorexpectedofagirlwhowearsa
dresslikethat?
My daughter selfconsciously tugs at her miniskirt, trying to cover up more of her
thighs.
Why,no,Ianswer.
And would you prefer she be consistent to the stereotype of a stripper being a
dumbslut?
No.
And would you prefer your daughter to be consistent to the pattern that so many
preachers daughters before her have set, of rebelling against their dads by tossing
theirsnatchesaroundlikepocketlint?
OfcourseIwouldnt.
Icoulddowithoutsuchlanguage,butheismyguest.
Thenletuspraise the Lord that this girl has hadthe goodsense toworshipSatan
andridearoundinawheelchairshedidnotneed.CanIgetanamen?
I dont know if its his voiceor the words hes saying, but this irreverentyoung man
could make anyoneabeliever. His positions and thoughtsareunorthodoxbut sound.
His word is strong. His convictions seemimpenetrable.Despitehis forcefulmanner,
he has lubricated the difficulty between my daughter and me, and I find myself
agreeingwithhim.
Amen.
But right after I testify, I am jerked back into the necessary reality of my earthly
mansion,asfromthe otherroom emanates thearousingsoundofsomethingvaluable
beingbroken.
Ember?yellsthefruitofmyloins.

Aurora
We all run to where the noisecamefrom, to myfathers denwherehekeepsallofhis
expensive religiousart.Werushin and findEmber lookingupatusbearingthemean
but cute scowl that she usually displays. The floor around her is littered with white,
brown,andfleshcoloredpiecesofclay.
My Jesus statue! screams my father. I want tolaugh, but Irealize that, sadly,this
moment must be tragic for him. He loves his statues. Luster is already on the floor,
tryingtopiecetogetherthefallenicon.
Ember,whathappened?Iask.
I pushed it over as hard as I could, and it broke. No excuses. She just likes to
destroy.
Butwhywouldyoudothat?Iask.
I thought youd like it, says Ember as she holds up her hand with her pinky and
indexfinger,makingahornsymbol.

No, Ember.No moreof thatstuff. Nomore Satan.Forgetallthat. You shouldhave

neverpaidanyattentiontoanyofthat.Iwasjusttalking.
God,wehavetokeepaclosereyeonher.
Luster is having no luck putting the pieces of Jesus back together. Meanwhile,
Fatherlookslikehesgonnablow,andhefinallydoes.
Goddammit!ThatsthemostexpensivefuckingJesusstatueIhave!
Ember laughs, but I dont want to anymore. Father goes down on his knees and
holds big chunks of the statue to his chest as if he was embracing a dying soldier.
Lustercrouchesonthefloorwithhim.
Wewillcleanitup,goodReverend.Noproblemshere,saysLuster.
No!growlsmyfather.Leave!Allofyou,leaveatonce!
Somay our bandplease practice here? I had beenmeaningtoaskyouthat,says
Luster.
Never!Getout!
Ember grins and giggles some more, and she looks somehow different. Thats
when I realize that this is the first time in the year Ive known her that Ive seen her
smile.She has always looked socute,IguessIneverreallynoticedtheactualfeelings
on her little face. Shes always angry or pouting or brooding over something and
sometimesevenseemsdepressed.
Aswerewalking out thedoor, Iwant topick Ember up andshakeherand yell into
her tiny ears, Dont be like that! Youre eight years old! Youshouldnthave a care in
theworld!Youshouldbehappy!
But then Irealizethat Icantpreach, becausesomeone couldjust as easily say the
same thingsto me sinceImateenager,thatthesearethebestyearsofmylifeandall
thatcrap.Stillthough,adepressedchildhastobethesaddestthingonearth.
Id give anything to be a kid again, before zits, breasts, drugs, jobs, boyfriends,
death, and those nagging thoughts that make you constantly question everything
aroundyouand inside you. Ididnt know howgoodIhaditasakid,whenmythoughts
were to the point and pure and true, when I immediately accepted anyoneI met and
they accepted me, when the concept ofwhatother people thought hadnt yet entered
mymind.
So heres my epiphany for the day, one that should betaught ingradeschools all
across the world: Whenyoure a kid, youreasclose to perfect as youreevergonna
be.

VII.GradeSchoolRiot
Ember
Igotmyhandsinmyshoes.Iwalklikeadogallovertheclassroom.
Nahoolahoolahoola.Nahoolahoolahoo,Isay,somesoundsIliketomake.
Ember! Get over here, now! says my mom. Her name is Kristen. Sheis a bitch.
Sheisveryprettyandalmostthirty.Ihateher.
Mr. andMrs.Blackwell,Iappreciateyourcomingintoday,saysMs.Watson.Shes
mylesbianteacher.Ihatehertoo.
Thats fine, says Mom. But we haveto be out ofhereby 3:30. Ihave totakeour
dogtoagilityclass.
I wont take up much of your time. I just wanted to talk to you about Embers
conduct. I dontsuppose Ember has beenbringinghomeherconductnotices for you
tosign.Sheneverbringsthembacktome.
No.Haveyouseenanyconductnotices,Don?

Uhuh,saysmyidiotdad.Hesalsoalmostthirtyandsucks.
Youhavent seen thembecause Iburned them all up!I yell. Iknow itswrong,butI
lovefire.WhenImaroundmatchesorlighters,Ijustcanthelpmyself.
Fire is so pretty. I like to think about the whole world on fire. I see the earth from
outer space. Instead of water, the oceansare made of fire. I have dreams aboutthat
sometimes.
Well,I figured you should knowthat her behavioris getting outofcontrol,saysmy
teacher.Andifitcontinues,wellhavenochoicebuttoconsiderexpulsion.
Oh,geez,isshethatbad?asksMom.
Uh, yes,she is. We expect instances of bad behavior in anythirdgrade class, but
its the intensity and the ferocity of Embers bad behavior that, frankly, sometimes
scarestheotherstudentsandme.
Whathasshedonethatssobad?asksDad.Hesdickless.
Lets see. I have a list here. Shes thrown scissors at other students, sprayed
Windex in other students eyes, carved Slayer into most of the desks, accused
students ofbeing homosexual,accused me ofbeing homosexual,sheregularlysniffs
gluesticks, shes been caught chewing tobacco three times, she writes cryptic
messagesonthe chalkboards suchasnightmareday,shestriedtoinciteriotsinthe
cafeteria,shedoes this thingwhere shewritesdownwhatIsaybeforeIsayitthelist
goesonandon.
Well,whatdo you want us to do about it? says mymom all bitchy. Weknowhow
badshe is. Theresnothing wecandowithher.Wevetriedeverything.Ritalindoesnt
work.Nothingworks.Shesjustwild.
Isshehavinganyproblemsathome?asksthedyke.
Areyou?Dadasksme.Ishakemyhead.Notme.
Sheoften talks about being friends withastripper,anIraqi,andacrazyblackman.
Doyouknowanythingaboutthat?
No,says Mom. She lies all the time. Theonly personIknowofthatshehangsout
withishereightyyearoldbabysitter.
Wethinkshemighthaveimaginaryfriends,saysDad.
Cluelessbastards.

Mother
Was I everas wild as my kid?I swear, if Ihad come asclosetobeinganabortionas
she did, Id be trying to behave a little better. Shes lucky I hadalready hadone too
manyorshewouldntevenbehere.
Haveyouconsideredanypsychologicaltreatment?askstheteacher.
Look,Mrs
Ms.Watson.
Yeah, Ms.Watson, saysDon.Embersneverbeen a normal kid.Shedoesntact
like other kids act.Like when Iwas a kid, I gotakick out ofsimple stuff,likepushing
the buttonsinanelevator,youknowwhumsayin?ButEmbercouldnotcarelessabout
stufflikethat.
Thats right, Don. You better not tell anyone that our daughter has been to a
therapist. We took Ember to a therapist for thefirst timewhen shewas sixbecause
we noticed she kept rooting for the coyote and yelling Die! at the roadrunner. The
therapistcouldntdoanythingwithher.

Shes justtoo much.Screw Donforgettingmepregnant.Idprobablygoaheadand

go for a divorce if I werent able to have fun on the side likeI have beenlately. And
thank God for Opal always being able to keep Ember. Don and I like tohave some
ustime now that ourdaughteris getting toan age whereshedoesnt really need her
parents.Besides,sheseemstolikeOpalbetterthanusanyway.
Ouch!Dammit,Ember!
EmberjustthrewapairofscissorsatDonshead.
Ember!Getoverhere,now!Iorder.
NowshethrowscrayonsatmeandDon.
Gogether,I say to myhusband.Heobeys,andIresumethislittleconferencewith
theteacher.
Shessuchacutelittlegirl,Mrs
ItsMs.Watson.
Right. Shes just so adorable on the outside, and itshardtobelieveshes sucha
monsterontheinside.
Ihearthreegoodspanksbehindme,whichusuallyshutsherupforafewminutes.
Thataintcool,saysmydaughterafterthelastspank.
Uhhshesalsoextremelyintelligent,saystheteacher.
Thatsnews.Sheneverseemedallthatsmarttome.
But Ill warn you. Should her behavior not improve, not only could she face
expulsion, but alsotheschool might contactsocialservices,asEmberwouldperhaps
bestbelongattheEastHome.
TheEastHomeforGirls?
Yes.
Youhearthat,Don?TheymightsendourgirlofftotheEastHome.
Oh,great,saysDonashesetsEmberinadesk.
Theycannotsend any daughter ofmine tothatskankyplace.Iusedtohangoutwith
someofthetrashthatlivedthere.God,Icoulduseabigfatbluntrightaboutnow.
WhatstheEastHome?asksmydaughter.
Dontworry,Ember.Weregoingtostraightenthingsout,saysthelesbian.
Ill tell you what it is,I say.Its a home wherethey sendallthe badlittle girls, and
mostofthemarereallymeanorphans.
Ember, I know that youre really a good girl, and Idont want youto have to leave
thisschooloryourhome,saystheteacher.

Shes notgoingto anyhomefordelinquents, Isay. Weregonnachange,Ember.

Weregonnamakeyouagoodgirl,arentwe?
She givesme the dirtiest lookand says,Youre notthebossof me,and someday
Imgonnagrowupandfartalloveryou.

Ember
Mom said that after all the problems I wascausing, she needed a vacationfromher
worries. Theday after theconferencewith Ms. Watson,she and Dadleft. Theyare in
Cancun.They will be therefor aboutamonth.Theyleftmeathomewithmybabysitter.
Theytookthedogwiththem.
I dont mindsince my babysitteris Opal.NowOpal willbe livinginmyhouseforthe
next month. Mom told her that she couldnt deal with thingsand neededto get away.
ShetoldhertomakesureIgotoschoolandstuff.
I live inabig,nice housein thesuburbs.Nowtherearenoadultsinit.(Opaldoesnt
count.)Weare finallyfree todowhatwewant.OpalandIstartedtalkingaboutournew
freedom.Thenshecalledtherestoftheband.
Opal and Aurora move the couch against the wall. Ray jumps. Luster looks all
aroundmybiglivingroom.
Righteous,hesays.Thisisalloursforamonth.Thepossibilities.
I help Luster and Ray bring the music stuff into the house. Luster is so happy. He
lovesmusicsomuch.Iloveplayingit,too.Nowwecanplayiteveryday.
We get the stuff out of the station wagon. The neighborhood walkers andjoggers
lookatusfunny.Ihatethem.

Raywavesatthem.Hedoesnteveracttough.Heisgentleandnotlikemen.
Peoplesometimes dontliketo see all of ustogether.Theywouldhatetoseeusas
a band. Theyd hate to hear us come together. Thats why I love playing music with
themsomuch.
Ray keeps waving. They look theother way. Why should Ibe a goodlittle girlwhen
theneighborswontevenwave?

VIII.HeySuburbia
Cop
Afterwe get thethirdcallaboutsome suspiciousactivityin the Hills, Igetgoing.They
say some suspiciouslookin guys (a black and a foreigner) are lurkingaround atthe
Blackwell residence. One of the ladies thatcalledsaid thatthefamilyleft forCancun
thismorning,sosomethingisprobablyup.
Just as Im getting out of the car, I hear someone say One, two, foot, shoe, and
then some rock music starts. They aint ten secondsinto thesong beforeIm ringing
thedoorbellandpoundingonthedoor.
Anoldladywearingbluejeansand ashirtthatsaysScreechingWeaselonitfinally
answersthedoor.
Whatdoyouwant?sheasks.
Maam,that musicstoo loud.You cant beplaying music that loud inthemiddleof
thesuburbslikethat.
But we just started playing ten seconds ago! We were just ten seconds into
AwesomePossum.Nobodycouldhavecomplainedyet.
Well,theyweregoingto.DoyoumindifIcomein,maam?

She walks away pissed off and leaves the door open for me. I walk inandsee a
portrait of a goodlookin couple hanging in the foyer. I thought the name Blackwell
sounded familiar. Hes a lawyer I see at the courthouse from time to time. I actually
thinkImayhavearrestedthewifeonceformeth.
I follow theold lady into the livingroom and seewhere thenoisewas comingfrom,
and now that I seen it, I seen it all. Theres a curlyhaired black guy standing at a
microphone, an Arablookin guy with one of themkeyboard guitars,alittle girlwith a
greatbigguitar,andasluttygirlbehindthedrumkit.
Theoldladysays,Well,whatdoyouwant?Youwannawatchusorsomething?
No, maam. Theforeignerlookskindascaredandafraidtomove.Theblackguyis
staringmedown.Helookskindafamiliar.
Theeternalquestion, the blackguy says into hismicrophone.Is thereaproblem,
Officer?
Well, no problem, but Im sure someone was gonna complain about that noise.
Listenwhostheheadofthishousehold?
IreckonyoucouldsayIam,saystheoldlady.
Thisisyourhouse,then?
Naw.TheownersleftforCancun.Imbabysittingtheirgirl,thebassplayer.
I look at the littlegirl.Shescuteashell, but shesgivingmeareal dirtylook. Then
shesticksouthertongueandstrumsherbigguitarlikeshesmadatme.
So youre the babysitter, and youre babysitting the kid. And who are theseother
people?
Ourfriends,saystheoldlady.Whydoyouask?
Noreason.Wegotsome reportsofsomesuspiciousactivityatthisresidence.Ijust
wantedtocheckthingsout.
Youdontseeanythingsuspicioushere,doyou,Officer?asksthathotyoungthing.
Well,uh, Iguess not, maam.I still gottamake sure theres nothinggoingonhere.
Hey,littlegirl,doyourparentsknowyoureplayingthatrockwiththesegrownups?
The little girl dont even answer me. She just stares at me. Meanwhile,the foreign
dudelooks like hes about tohave a nervous breakdown,fidgeting and sweatingand
shit.
Policeman,please!Webreaknolawshere!heyells inashakyvoice.Butokay!Ill
confess it! Coming in America I was not familiar with urban traffic laws. I jaywalk! I
jaywalkmany,manytime!Imsorry!I
Heytakeiteasythere,chief,Isay.Nooneisinanytrouble.Yet.

Thenwillyouleave?snapsthathotpieceofass.
Yeah,Illleave.Yallsureareacuriosity,though.Illtellyouthatmuch.
I figure I must have pissed off the black guy by saying that, cause hes about to
starea holerightthrough me.I stareat himright back,andthenIrealizewhereIknow
him from. Hes one of the Johnson boys, some of the biggest dealers in town. Ive
seen this guy before when Id make an arrest at his shack. Hed be off on his own
writinginhisbedroomwhilehisbrothersweregettingbusted.
ArentyouoneoftheJohnsonboys?Iaskhim.
Yes.Iamsureyouarefamiliarwiththeirwork.Butdonotconsidermeoneofthem.
IsitJerome?
No.Luster.
Well,Luster,youreagoodwaysfromhome,aintya?
Yes. Iam breaking thesociallaw, Officer,and so are the rest ofmybandmates. If
thereisaproblemwiththat,youcankissmyass,figureofspeechstyle.
Watch it, mother fucker. Ive put away plenty of your brothers, and I could just as
easilydothe same to you.As far asIm concerned, youre guilty justforbeingrelated
toem.
The boy shakes his head andjuststartslaughing like a crazy man. Thewhole time
hesstaringatme.Hesfixintosaysomethingwhentheoldladyinterrupts.
Yourememberthewayout,dontyou?
Yes,maam.Illbeonmyway.Justkeepthenoisedown.
My work is done here, so I check out the slut again and look atthe black boy one
more time to show him whos boss, and then Ihead on out.Just asIm fixinto leave,
theblackboyyellsatmeonhismicrophone.
Oh, sweet lord, Officer! It just dawned on me like a black hole sun that there is
somethingIhavebeenmeaningtoaskamaninuniform!
Iturnaroundandreenter.
Okay,butyoudontneednomicrophonetoaskit.
Hestepsawayfromthemikeandsays:
I have always wondered about a situation. I am sure that it is one that happens
everydaysomewhereintheworld,eveninasmalltownlikethisone.
Imlistenin.

Let us say there is an individualdriving his cardown alonelyroadat night, doing

his ownthing, minding his ownbusiness, obeying trafficlaws, andkeepinghisspeed
atthepostedlimit.
Noproblemsthere,Isay.
I guess not, says the gangster. But then let us say that a second carcomes up
behind him and keeps getting closer and closer yet shows no interest in passing.
Remember, it is night, so our individual can only see headlightscreeping up behind
hisass.Whenheseesthatheisbeingtailgated,hespeedsup.
Right.Whatsyourquestion?
So the second car keeps right on the tail of our individual, forcing him to keep
increasing his speed, until finally he is driving wellpast the speedlimit.Atthat point,
the secondcar, theone that isdoingthe tailgating,turns onitssirensandpatriotically
displaysitsred,white,andbluelights.Weknowthe rest.Pullover,please,licenseand
registration,please, step outofthevehicle, please,heresyourticket,andsoforthand
soon.Somyquestiontoyouis,whoshouldbeblamedhere?
I aint stupid. He expectsmeto say the police officerwasnt doing anythingwrong,
sinceafterall,Iamacop.Iknowhowtohandlethis.
First of all, that wouldnt happen. Second of all, bothof themareat fault.The cop
shouldve had something better to do than follow around that driver. But the driver
didnt have to speed up, though. Nobodywas forcing himto.He didnt have a gunto
hishead.
Would you say that the cop actually created this crime? he asks. It would have
neveroccurredifhehadnotappeared.
Nowyouregettingintochickenortheeggstuff,there.Igottagetgoing.
Fry thechickenandscrambletheegg.ThatiswhatIalwayssay.ButIamsurprised
at you.You said bothdriverswere atfault. How couldthepoliceofficer be at fault,for
as soon as the first driver exceeded the speed limit, the police officer was merely
doinghisjobinpullinghimover?
Thatstrue.Nowhesmakingsense.
Thatstrue.Nowyouremakingsense.
Yes, sir, says the boy. The police officer was just doing hisjob, beinga fucking
asshole.You pushusinto things likethatandthenwonderwhywearethewayweare.
You push us out just so youcanget thingsthewaytheyareinyourhead,andthenyou
donotevengiveusachance,andnoneofyouhavegunstoyourheads,either.
Listentoallthatbullshit.Soundsjustlikehisbrothers,likehesoncrack.

Shutthefuckup,Johnson.Illbekeepinganeyeonyou.
IhurryoutsoIcanhavethelastword.
Andkeepthatnoisedown!

Luster
TheonlythingI havein commonwith my brothers isa hardcoreJedihatredforcops.
My brothers hate cops because they interfere with their drug dealing. I hate them
because they interfere with my life progress since they are the muscles of The
Thoughtless Confederacy. We both refer to cops as The Man, but Iput much more
weightinthattermthanmyNeanderthalbrothersdo.
As we move our band equipment to the basement of Embers house, taking our
musicsubterranean so asnottodisturbsuburbia,Ithinkabouthowmybrothers drugs
are floating around in the fine homes above. In fact, my brothers marijuana, acid,
ecstasy, and now crack helped build some of these fine homes. The prominent
businessmen, lawyers, doctors, and realestate agents whooccupy these homesnot
only ingest the drugs themselves but also get these drugs into townin thefirst place
and then profit by selling to dealers like my brothers who go on to sell the stuff to
everyonefromblacks to whitesto foreigners topoliticians to theelderlyto the unborn
to pregnant teenagersto high school principals to playgroundchildrentoPEteachers
to college kids to housewives to meter maids to the poor to the rich to the
middleclass to the tired, poor,and huddled,to the Jewish carpenters, the preps,the
rednecks, the fags, the hippies, the bold andthe beautiful, the shy andthe repulsive,
widows, orphans, amputees, introverts, extroverts, and all of their mothers, fathers,
guidance counselors, mistresses, therapists, and former best friends. The one
common strain in the wires attached to their brains is my brothers drugs, those
chemicalswhichtemporarilymakethisworldmoretolerable.
Those prominent upperclass good guys with their cool outofstate underground
connections introduce the drugs to our town and sell them to guys like my brothers
even though they would never give my brothers the time of year, or sit at the same
burgoo table with them, or let their daughters datea mannamed Jerome. But money

is being made, and everybody is cool with it. Cool, cool, cool. Everyone feels the
same when theyre making fabulous moolah and putting weird shit in their bodies.
Theyallfeelcool,andthatsthewaythegiantmechanicalbrainlikesit.
Ihavenothingagainstdrugs.ItsjustthecoolIhaveaproblemwith.
Ourbandhasnowsafelyevacuatedtothebasement.
We have a gnarly practice, so rocktageous that it comes across as subversive,
almostanarchic.Werockharderthanapeanut butterfamine.IthinkafterthispracticeI
can honestly say that we are the best powerpop new wave heavy metal punk rock
bandthatthistownhaseverproduced.
Whenarewegonnaplayinfrontofpeople?inquiresAurora.
Soon, for time is our greatest enemy inthisretrograde existence. Iwill beworking
onsettingupashow.Butfornow,IbettergetbacktotherutIcallhome.
Dontgo!Staythenight!Emberpleads.
Yeah. Yall can just start sleeping over here if you want, agrees Opal. Im sure
Embersparentswouldntmind,andwhocaresiftheydo?
We all immediately accept the invitation since our home lives are so lonely and
undesirable. I would takeany chance to getaway from my crackhouse home andthe
subhumans that live there. Rays family has returned to Iraq, leaving him singular.
AurorasdadisstillpissedabouthisJesusstatueandhasreallybeenonhercase.
We move inand become the family thatnone ofuseverhad, thefamilythatno one
haseverhad,ifonlyforthefewweeksthatEmbershorribleparentshaveallowedus.

IX.LonelyAliens
Opal
Its pretty late when were done rockin out, but of course, Emberisnt ready togo to
bedyet. So the five ofus makefunof the TVfor a while, crackin onthe idiots onThe
Real World, the morons on Blind Date, and the assholes on E!s Wild On. We also
watchJayLenoforawhilejusttoseehowawkwardhisinterviewingwillbe.
Around two a.m., after making fun of Roadhouse on TBS, Ember makes us play
Good Morning, Judge. How the game works is thatone person sits inachair facing
opposite everyone else so he cant see whats going on. Then, one of the other
persons goes up behind him and says, Goodmorning, Judgethree times, only you
disguiseyourvoice by talking all funny.The person inthechairhastoguesswhosaid
Goodmorning,Judge.
The problem with us, though, is that each ofushassuch a unique voiceand cant
fakeit.Soitsimpossibleforthepersoninthechairtoguesswrong.
Thisgameblowsit,saysRay.Noonehasguesseditincorrectishallnight.
IagreewithFuquay,Isay.Itsbedtimeforthisbooty.
No!hollersEmber.
Yes!Ihollerback.WecannotplayGoodMorning,Judgeallnight,honey.
Imnotsleepy!shewhines.
Well,baby,Imsorry,butweare.Iknow.WhatifItoldyouabedtimestory?
She reluctantly agrees. We all get ready for bed and get situated inEmbers big,
messy bedroom.Luster,Ray,and Aurora lie insleeping bags onthe floor withallthe
clutter,andIminbednexttoEmber.

Whatstorydoyouwanttohear?Iaskher.IknowJackand theBeanstalkandthe
firsttwoseasonsofMagnumP.I.
TellmeaboutthenightthatyouandLustermet.
Youretooyoungtohearthat!saysAurora.
Tellit!screamsEmber.
Tellit!screamsLuster.
I had told Emberthisstoryoncebefore,andshegotakickoutofit,soIlltellitagain
ifitllmakeherangrylittletushhappy.
It all started oneThursdaynight acoupleyearsagowhenIwaswell,Iwasplaying
with one of my boyfriends. This wasbackwhenI just dated people closerto myown
age,andthisboyfrienddiedwhilewewereintheactofplaying.
Youmeanyouweredoingit,interruptsEmber.
Right. Somy date died,but the night was stillyoung.I hadthe ambulance givemy
tail a ride to Glorias, my favoritebar. The driver said he wassorry they couldntsave
himandallthat,andItoldhimtoforgetit,thatithappensallthetime.
So I walked in the bar, and its karaoke night, a night I normally avoid. Sean the
bartender gave me my usual, which at that time was a Fin du Monde. (They special
ordereditforme.)SoIwassittingatthebarlikeIusuallydid,kindoffeelingdownafter
havingmyplaymatecroakonme.
Just when I was starting to feel oldagain, Iheardthisgiganticvoice screamover
the opening chords ofSomeGuys HaveAll theLuck byHotRod,orRodzillaasIcall
him. The voice was screaming, I do not even need that smartass teleprompter! I
turnedaroundfromthebar,andthatwasthefirsttimeIsawLuster.
Hewas lookin handsomein hisfleamarketTshirt,theonethatsaysHeynow!So
thenhestartedsingingtheopeninglines.Whatwerethey,Luster?
Alone in a crowd in a bus after work and Im dreaming, says Luster, already
halfasleeponthefloor.
Thats it. So he started singing, and his voice was so strong, and he was really
gettin into it.Hewasashowboatevenbacktheninfrontofacoupledozenskanksata
karaokebar. He wouldrubhimselfalloverallsexualandwhathaveyou,andhewould
kindofhoparound,andloandbehold,hereallydidntneedthatteleprompter.
So I said to Sean, Whos that youngblood? and Sean said, Thats Luster
Johnson.HesaregularhereonThursdaynights.Kindofaweirdo.

AndI said, Yeah, buthes ahot weirdo, and then Igotupclose to thelittle stage,
and I yelled, Hey! Show us your tits! and I think it bothered him.He kept on singing
anddidntshowmehistits.ButIwasntthroughwithhistuchisyet.
A little laterwhenhewas at thebardowning some milk, Iwentuptohimandsaid,
Hey, biggun. Thats whatI used to call him,biggun. Isaid, Hey,biggun.Youkicked
rumpuptheretonight,andhesaid,Thanksbetoyou.
I told him he was really playing for keeps, and then he gavemesome of that old
Luster talk. He said, Keeps? Keeper Sutherland. Trapper Keeper. I always play for
keeps (or something like that). Then he explainedhow hiskaraokesinging wasjust
practiceforwhenhehadarockbandonedaythatwouldconquerthewholeworld.
Itoldhim he didnt have to tellmeaboutrockinout,causeIknewallaboutit.I lived
forrock.ThenIofferedtobuyhimadrink.
Well, he didnt want me to buy him a drink.He snappedat me and toldme to go
away,and he saidhe wasliable tobite mejust for having fallopian tubes.(Thoseare
somefemaleparts.)
So I told him Id take my chances and that my namewas Opal Oglesby. Thenhe
noticed my Dead Milkmen Tshirt. He said, I like your shirt, but within it dwells a
humanoid of the worst designwoman. I told him, Boy, youre about as fun as
shoppingforschoolsupplies.
It turns out hewas all pissybecause this girl named Tonsillectomy Tina had stood
his crupper up that night. He said he guessed she just didnt take their plans as
seriously as he did, and that he guessed you cant go around acting like an alien
withoutpeopletreatingyoulikeone.
Isaid,Ithinkaliensaresexy,andhecouldtellright thenandtherethat Iwasjustas
big ofastrangebutt ashewas.I toldhimI was sorry about hisgettingstoodup, and
thatIdhadalousynight,too.
He said, Nothing feels worse than being stood up, andI said,Yeah, thatsbad,
butwhatabouthavinyourdatedieonyouwhileyourebonin?
He said, You win, and then he let me buy him a drink after all. So that was the
beginning.Afterthat,weendedupdatingforalmostayear.
Icheckdownonthefloor.Lusterissoundasleep,alreadydrooling.
AndthenIdumpedhischeeks.Theend.
Ember isstillawake, butsheallows me toturn outthelight,onlyifIllstayinthebed
with her. I think how you gotta be careful nowadayswith things like thisjustbecause
some sickoshave ruineditfor everyone else. Anyhow, shedneveradmitit,butIthink

Ember is scared of the dark, so I agree to stay in bed with her. Its more than her
grandmas would ever doforher. Hergrandmasareintheirlateforties/earlyfiftiesand
arebiggerslutsthanIam.
After I take Ember to school the next morning, I have to go in for another fucking
group therapy session. I promised myniecesthat Id go tothestupid things because
theyretheonlyrelativesIvegot.Alltheothersaredead.
Im kindalooking forwardto todayssessioncauseIdliketoseehowCarlsdoing.
Weslepttogetheronedaylastweek.
Hecomesinsmilingforachange.Imguessinghesnothopinghelldienow,thanks
to mysexualhealing. Beatsthehelloutofgettingenemasallday,Illtellyouthatmuch.
Hewinksatme,butwedontletonlikewevebeenbangingeachother.
Kip the faggot skips in and beginsthesession.He takes rolland doesntmention
the fact thatone ofushas hadastrokesincethelastmeeting.Thenhepullsoutsome
papersandsaystakeoneandpassitoverlikehealwaysdoes.
Okay, group. First off, this handout has a list of ways you can improve your time
management skills, he lisps. So you can take those home and read them over
yourselves.Okay.So nowwhat IdliketodoishavewhatIcallahappinessexercise.
I want you to think back to a time whenyou were completelyhappy.Forinstance,for
me, my happymemory is when Icashed myhighschool graduationchecks and went
onashoppingspreeatmyfavoriteantiquemall.
Im sure Kipmeanswell like everybody, butI just dontcarefor him.Theguymakes
no effort to get outside the picture we already have of him. We all know him just by
looking at him or hearing his voice, and I think there oughtta be more to somebody
thanthat,dammit.Ithinkhejustcaughtmerollingmyeyesathim.
So,Opal,wouldyouliketostartthegroupoffandtellusahappymemory?
Shit. Whatthehell,Isay.Betterthanlisteningtohimtalkabouthisantiquesandhis
shoes. Thefirstthing thatcomestomindisthisthingIusedtodowithmyexboyfriend
Manny. Thiswas about amonthago.IdhaveMannywearthesamepairofunderwear
fortwoweeksstraight,right?
Uhhuh,saysKip.
Andthen, whenthetwoweeks wereup, Id havehim takeoffhisdrawersand hide
em real good somewherein myhouse.Thennow this isthe happiness partthen,
IdsniffaroundmyhousealldayuntilIfoundem.
I get a big laugh out of thegroupfor that one. But Kip looksuncomfortable,acting
like aprudeeventhoughhellprobablygohometonightanddothesamethingwithhis

Hispanic boyfriend.He looks atme like heeitherfeelssorryformeorwantstohitme.

OrIguesshedbemorelikelytobitchslapme.
Oh, Opal. Oh. He jotssomethingdownonhis littlenotepad.I knowhesgonnatell
my underwear storyto my nieces, andtheyllallberarintoputmeinahomeonceand
for all to end my foolishness.ButIve gotanews bulletinfor them: Thefoolishness is
justbeginning.The bands gonnapracticeeverynightatEmbers,andweretakingoff
soonwhethertheylikeitornot.
Lets move on to Trixie,Kipcontinues.Andmaybeweshouldjustforgetaboutthe
happinessthing.Justtellmewhatsbeengoingoninyourlife.
Well,Ihadatalkwithmyfriendabouthimtakingmymedicationlikeyoutoldmeto,
saysTrixie.
Ohgood.WithJesus,youmean?
Yes. Andwhen I was talking tohim,I got tothinking about some ofthethingsOpal
said,andwell,longstoryshort,weendedupsleepingwithoneanother.
I giveTrixieabig thumbsup.Therestofthegroupapplaudsher.Kiplookslikehes
gonna cry, or do something,I dontknow what. ImsuddenlygladIvebeen coming to
these things, just to show these old people that they dont have to be what theyre
supposed to. I wish Kipcould pick up on that, but hesalwaystoo busychangingthe
subject.
Okay. Maybe weshouldmoveonto Carl.Carl,you seem muchhappierthisweek.
Whyisthat?

X.TalktoStrangers
Ray
I cantgetitunderstood.Ionceleftmyfamilytogotowar.NowtheyhaveleftmewhenI
went for peace. Missing Aymon and Milkah, this last week has been better for my
head.SinceitslikefamilinessinthehomehereatEmbers.
Luster and Igethomefromthe worknearthe same times. Aurora andOpalstayat
home except for Opal taking and picking Ember up from school. Sometimes the
females have dance routines to Footloose soundtrack figured out for us when we
comein.
Once wehave togetherness, weeat dinner. Everynight. Sometimes going out toa
place like Ponderosa. But usually orderingpizza or eatingOpals cookout food. We
listen to good music as we eat food and then when we digest it. We like recordsof
those such as Swingin Utters, Pixies, Big Audio Dynamite, Vindictives, Billy Ocean,
Boris the Sprinkler, and GoGos when we eat. We like Pogues,TrashBrats, Crash
Test Dummies, Mullets, Andrew W.K.,Cars,andRezillosas wedigest. Then we are
preparedtorockoutforthehoursofnight.
We enjoy not putting our equipment up. Then we make fun of the people on
televisionor play something.WeliketheboardgameGuessWho?Youhavetofigure
out what person the other player has on a card by asking, Does your person have
blondehairs?orDoesyourpersonwearahat?orsuch.
But Aurora changed therules.Whenwe play,youcant ask anythingabouthowthe
way thepersonlooks. Instead, you ask about the personslife.Like Did your person
date a baseball player in high school? or Does your person cheat on his or her
spouse?Itis much morefuntoplayitthisway.Butalsomuchharder.Lusterplaysthe
best.IsyourpersonBernard?Yes!Hesapedophile!

We goto bedwhenwearesleepy,crawlingintosleepingbagsonachildhoodfloor.
Ember the littleone needs a storyto sleep toeverynight.Tonight Iwant totell herit.I
missfathering.MyownsonsofarawayinIraq.
Ember doesntwant tohearmystoriesofmagicsitarsandvagabondtrickstertales,
seahorses coming of age. She doesnt like fake stories for liking real ones. SoI tell
heraboutthewayImether.
We met in kung fu class. It wasmy 1th night there.You had kungfuedthere many
times before. Theclass was allagesandskills.Mainlychildren.Ifeltoutofplaceinlife
asusual.Butyousatnexttomybodyanddidntlaughatmelikeothers.
I was there to learn to defend my body. I was tired ofmy bodygettingthe whoop
from the men whoms thought Iwas checking themoutwhenItriedtofigureoutifIshot
theminwar.
Pat wastheteachersname.HeusedhiskungfutogetfreeCokesoutofsoftdrink
machines. That 1th night he chose you and me out when it was time to spar. He
warned me that you could be dangerous. Itoldhim Ilearned no moves yet and didnt
wanttofightasmallgirl.Ididntunderstand.
I still didnt understand when he yelled fight. You kicked me in my crotch. It hurt
painfully, you kickeditsomemore.Ifelldowntothemat,youkickeditsomemore.You
kicked mealloverasI hurtonthefloor.ItwasthebiggestbeatupIhadreceivedupto
that point. And kept getting worse! The other students yelled such as Yeah! and
Woo!PeopleloveWoo!inthiscountry.
Meantime, you yelled things such as Burn you up! and Die! I was scared and
didnt understand while this child kept kicking my area. The teacher told me I was
doing goodbecause Iblockedmy privates,thefocus of yourattack.Butthenafterhe
said that, you tried pulling my hands away from it, and the teacher said that wasnt
right.
You gave him the bad finger and proceededkicking on myfaceand stomach. By
thistime,thecrowd hushhushed. The teachertried pullingyouoffbuthadtrouble.You
yelledthingssuchasIhateyou!andKillemall!
Theinstructorfinallygotyouoff me. Iwas bruisesand blood.You toldmelateryou
were taking kung fu because you wanted to learn how to hurt people better. You
learnedalotonmethatnight,Ithink.
After the classand mywounds dressedup, Ileft.Isawyouintheparkinglot,sitting
onthe curb alone.I felttheneed totalkto you.Italktopersonsbecausethislifeistoo
smallnotto.

Isaid,Ijustwantedtosayyoukickgood.
Yousaid,TellmesomethingIdontknow.
Ididnt know what you meant and still dont. Ididnt understand,and youtoldmeto
shutit.
Iasked you what youdid sitting out there, andyousaid your momwas to pickyou
up. Butsheforgottosometimes.Thiswassuchoneofthesetimes.Iofferedyouaride
home.ThatwaswhenIdroveataxiandalwaysgavepeoplerides.
You told me that your babysitter Opal told you notto accept ridesfromstrangers.
ButyousaidIwasokaysinceyoucouldalreadyknowyoucouldkickmyass.
In thetaxi, you askedand Illneverforget thisyou askedwhy foreigners always
drove taxis. Ididnt understand then but donow.Ihadneverheardsuchuntilthen.That
wasthebeginning.
Igave you rideseveryweekfromthen.Sometimeshortlylateryouintroducedmeto
Opal. Shethenintroducedmeto Luster. He inspiratedme to notdrive taxis so not to
bepredicted.Ithenworkedatatanningsaloninstead.
But you andthe othersgotme wrongsayingI liked peepees. Youusedtoalways
make fun of me, saying I liked mens butts and peepees. You all looked at me
differently whenI toldyouaboutnotlikingpenisandtheapologyIneededtogiveto my
man.Theend.
Embersleepsitup.
Thenextdayis my day off from the tanningsalon. ButI dontgetto sleep late like I
like because Luster wakes me. He wakeseverybodyup everyday samely. Hesays,
Getup!Timetofacethenightmareday.Alotofassholesdependonyou.
I let Lustertalkme intogoingto hiswork withhim.Hesalwayswantingoneofusto
go with him. He hates work so much. And thinks having one of usthere will make it
better.Healsohatesridingonthebus.Likealittlekid.
SoI driveusin my Windstar tothe dogracetrack.AplacewhichIdontunderstand.
Luster takes me back deep in the commissary to a little office withpicturesof cars,
halfnaked women, and cars with halfnaked women standing next to them. A
middleaged mustached man and two teenage boys trying to grow mustaches sit in
theofficesmokingcigarettes.
Good morning, jerkwads. I decided to bring a friend to work today to ease the
monotony,wordsLuster.

Well,thanks forasking forpermission first,voicesthemustachedone.Guys,lets

all just start bringing our friends to work to ease the monotony. The younger males
laugh.
Ray, this is my jackoff of a boss named Joe, says Luster. These are my
coworkersDerekandJared.
Joe. Joe. Mustache, mustache. Eyeballs. Teeth,bone,flesh,hair.Itshim.Futon.Its
him.Wildcatslogo.Him.U.K.cap.Itshim!Theman!Joe!Futons.Mustache.Itshim.
Ray?IguessitsLusterthatsaidthat.Ray?Areyouokay?
Irunoutoftheoffice.Findtheclosestrestroom.
Luster comes in the restroom. AsImwanting to do something over the sink. Ima
mess.
Whatiswrong?!asksLuster.
Itshim!
Who?!
TheAmericanofwhomsforgivenessIcameherefor!
Who?!
Yourboss.
A woman comes in. She immediately leaves when she sees us. I picked wrong
toiletinmyexcitement.
Joe?!asksLuster.Areyousure?
I am nearly positive. I remember those eyeballs. I remember the pain I caused
them.Hasheevertalkedaboutbeingshotinwar?
Idonotknow.Wehaveneverreallytalked.Comeon.Youshouldgospeaktohim.
Itstoobig.Ishakeheadno.
Whynot?mouthsLuster.
Imscared.
It could not be half as scary as a war,hesays.Stronglyhe thenpicks me up and
carriesmeonhisshoulder.Weleavetheladiesroomlikethis.
Lustersetsmeonmyfeet.RightinfrontofJoe.Myoldvictim.
LookI dont want your druggie friends comin inhereandfreakinoutonme,says
Joe.

Joe,didyoufightinthePersianGulfWar?asksLuster.
Hell yeah. Maybe if youwerent so selfcenteredyouwould have heard me talking
aboutit.Eventookabulletinthehip.Why?
MyfriendRayhassomethinghewantstotellyou.
Deepbreaths.Havetodothis.WhyImhere.
JoeIJoe,IIve rehearsed this momentforyears. Ourlong national nightmare
isover.Joe,mynameisRayFuquay.Joe
Isheoncrack?asksJoe.
No,saysLuster.Comeon,Ray.Justtellhim.
Joe,Iamso,so,sorry.Iveneverbeensorrierforanything.
What?Whatdyoudo?heyells.
I was the Iraqi soldier who wounded you in war. It was at close range under the
KalzababridgeinQasralKhubbaz.Imabsolutelypositiveofit.Iamsorry.
Joe looks at me. For some time. He falls back in his chair. He pulls down on his
facewithbothhands,asifthinkingorattheendofwits.
Boys, getoutof here.Go fill the orders, he commands. His workers obey, except
forLuster.
Youtoo,Johnson,tonguesJoe.
Joe, you should know about the Christmas peace of World War I, says Luster.
Lusterlovesthisstoryandtoldittomemanytimes.
Ireadin an alienconspiracybookcalledTheGodsofEdenthatonChristmasEve,
1914, a BritishsoldierraisedaflagthatsaidMerryChristmas.Soonafter,Christmas
carolscamefromthe Germancamp. Soonafterthat, both armieswerehuggingeach
other innomansland.GermansandBritsweretalking together,singingtogether,and
exchanging gifts. The strange peace went on even until the day after Christmas
becausenoonewantedtofirethefirstshot.Thefightingdidnot
Johnson,shutthefuckup.WhatthehelldoIcare?
I just thought you would feel more comfortable if you knew something somewhat
similartothishadhappenedbefore.
Gettowork,ordersJoe.
Youbetternothurthim,speaksmyfriendbeforeleavingJoeandmealone.
I am sorry, I say. Youare why I came to America.I cantbelieve Ive finally found
you.Iamsorry.

Have a seat, Joe says with nothing in his face or voice. He stares at me
intensively.
Uh,yourealizethisisprettyweirdforme,dontyou?asksJoe.
Yes.Metoo.ButIbegyourforgiveness.
Man.Whataretheoddsofyouactuallyfindingme?
Ididnt thinkI ever would.Itwas Luster whoinspirated meonward.HesaidsinceI,
like he, am notsubjectto,eh,linearhumanoidthought,thatIcouldslipbetweencracks
easier. He says cracks are the best people like us have. Hesaid thatfate is friendly
towardthefreak.
God.ThatLuster,hereplies.Talkaboutfreaks.
IlaughnervilouslywithJoe.
Heh,heh.Yes.ThatcrazyLuster.
Man, says dumbfounded Joe. Heneeds some talkingto.Ivehadthewordsready
foryears.
Iknow how you must feelaboutme andotherMiddleEasterners.Butplease,dont
think of me as the enemy. I want you to know that me shooting you was not out of
hatred.I didnt even want to.I lovepeople, andIlovetheworld.AndIloveyourcountry
evenmorethantheworld.Forgiveme.
Joerubshisfacesomemore.Silencemakesitawkward.Hefinallyspeaks.
Ah,hell.Iforgiveya.
Youdo?!
Yeah. Why not? It wasnt that lifethreatening of a wound. Put me out of
actionthats what hurt the most. Anyhow, you were just doing your job. I cant hold
thatagainstya.Justforgetaboutit.
Oh,Joe!
I jump up and walk around the desk in order togive himhugs.He doesnt hugme
oneback,butIdontmindit.
Okay.Okay.Thatsenough.Justforgetit,hesays.
Joe,isthereanythingIcandotomakeuptoyou?Anythingatall?
Nah.Ittooksomeballstoapologizelikethat.Youveearnedyourforgiveness.
Yes!Isayloudly.Maybewecangooutforfrappuccinossometime.
Yeah,hesays.
Great,Isay.
Okaythen,hesays.

Allrightthen,Isay.
Ishakehishand.
Thankyou,Joe.Again,Imverysorryforshootingyou.
Dontworryaboutit.

XI.WeMissDecember

Aurora
Ive been unusually happy as of late. I think its because weve been having such a
goodtimehereatEmbershouse.Wevebeenplayingrelentlesslyeverynight,making
the most of our nice practice space. Weget to playasmuchaswe want, and were
really startingto soundgood.I donteven knowwhatbands tocompareusto orwhat
type of music to call us. I know anyone with aband says that, butI honestlythink we
defycategorization.
All I can say about us is that we are energetic and raucous, melodic yet heavy,
endearing yet revolting, sweet yetbrackish,everythingsimultaneouslydeliveredwitha
solicitousvengeance.Music isgettingold and everythings been done, but Iseriously
doubt theres ever beenanactthathassoundedorlookedlikeus.Iknowexactlywhat
I soundlikerightnow,butIthinkwehavepotentialtobethegreatestthingtohappento
musicsincepeopleheardElvisontheradioandassumedhewasblack.
In thelast two weeks, weve all become more focused ontheband.EspeciallyRay.
His keyboardguitar playing has drasticallyimprovedsince hefoundhis man. He still
misses his family, but I think he uses the music as a distraction. I think of music as
beingadistractionwithafuture.
No matterwhatgoes on duringthedaywithitsdepravedpeopleand slothfulclocks,
we always have the night to lookforward to.Ofcourse, sinceI quitworking, Ihavent
had to deal with peopleor punching clocks.Instead,Opaland Iridicule soap operas
and make prank phone calls all day. But just knowing thatwe willbe playing original
musicatnightgivesourbanaldaysasenseofworth.
Its usually at around seven that we retreat to the basement and escape into the
songs that Luster wrote. We dont reemerge until ten or eleven. We have long
practices because we know this wontlast.Embersparents will haveto come home
eventually,makingthesefourfleetingweeksfeellikeachildhoodChristmasvacation.
So tonight, after threehoursofusrocking out, the basementis filled to its capacity
with ourenergy, andafteran hour ofTV tag, it is nowmy turntotellEmberabedtime
story. Imsurprisedthatshewouldwanttoparticipate insomethinglikethat.Ofcourse,
sheneverwantsto hear fairy tales oranythinglikethat,stuffshecallsbullshitstories.

She onlywantsto hear stories about us, sinceIguesswereoneofthe fewthingsshe

doesnthate.
Upon her request, I tell her the story of howI met Luster and Opal, and it goeslike
this:
Once upon a time, I was a nudie dancer at a trashy club called the Busy Booty.
Actually it wasnt that long ago. About a year ago.ItwasjustanotherstupidthingIdid,
anotheroneofmyphases.ButIdidhavemyreasonsforit.
Soanyhow,onenighttheannouncerintroducedmelikehealwaysdid.
Gentlemen,straightfromthedepthsofHell,wehaveAurora!
Me being a Satanist started out just as my stage gimmick. I wore horns and a
tattered black cloak, and my prop was this nasty male mannequin named Paolo. I
alwaysdancedtotheMisfitssongDevilsWhorehouse.
When I cameout onstagethatnight Iwas surprised to see this olderlady holding
up her hornhands and yelling, Yes! FuckinA! She wasnt the typical Busy Booty
patron.Weusuallyonlygotdirtymenwholookeddepressed.
She was with a young black guy who didnt look too happy about being there. It
was,ofcourse,OpalandLuster,outonadate.
So anyhow, back to my routine. My act was specifically designed to make those
dirty men feel as sleazy as theylookedandacted.Itriedhardnottolook sexy.Idtake
my cloak off to reveal cryptic body paintings like pentagrams and the words THE
LUSTFUL written on my belly, and Id smear fake blood all over myself. You could
hardly even see anyflesheven though Iwas just wearing littleblack underwear. Also,
Idbeshriekingthe wholetime asifI wereinpain.Itwas supposedtobehideous,but
themenusuallygotoffonitanyway.Icantwin.
Another thing is that I didnt even dance. I preferred to think of myself as a
performance artist. Instead ofgyratingordryhumpingthe floor,Idjust floataround in
circles like I was in the middle of a whirlwind, being blown every which way. And
sometimesIdpickupthemannequinandkindofviolentlystraddlehim.
That night I wanderedto the front ofthe stageclosetowhereOpalandLustersat.I
felt compelled tostare atbothofthembecauseIhadafeelingthey weretheonlyones
intheroomwhomightgetwhatIwasdoing.
But Luster, being theantagonist that he alwaysis,yelledWhatisshestaringat?I
thinkOpaltold him to relax,that Iprobablyjustwantedmoney.Sheheldupadollarbill
to me, andI gaveher adirty look as Itook it. I was a littledisappointed in her. Then I
staredsomemoreatLuster,andheexploded.

Hesaid,Whatareyoustaringat,devilwoman?Igetsosickofyoupeople!
Then he got up and left. Opal yelled, Oh, get over it! but hewas alreadyout the
door.
After my routine,I put on mynightcloakand headedout of theclub. Ihadtotellmy
boss I was leaving, and after I did, Opal came up to me. She complimentedmy act
andsaidthatshelovedmymusicalselection,andsodidherboyfriend.
It turnsout Luster was mad about being atthestrip clubinthefirstplace.Hehated
strip clubsbecause hethought they were moreaboutcommercethansexuality.Itwas
too fake for histaste.So Opal haddraggedhim there. Shehad never been toastrip
clubandwantedtoseewhatitwaslike.Sheloveditthere.
I told her I was sorry that I caused her boyfriend to leave, that I hadnt meant
anything by staring atthem,and that Ifelt badaboutit.Sheacceptedmyapologyand
said nottopayanyattentiontoLusterbecausehewasalwayssensitivetohowpeople
reactedtoseeinghimandhertogether.
Opal andI lefttheclub atthesametime,andLusterwaspacingintheparkinglot.I
wasalittlescaredofhimatfirst.Heresabouthowourfirstconversationwent:
Opalsaid,Luster,thisis Aurora.I got totalking to her, andshe wasntmeaning to
offendyoubystaringatuslikethat.
I said, Yeah. SorryifI freaked you out.Ourbosswantsustomakeeyecontactwith
the patrons. Asifthey werelooking atoureyes. Well,you were,I guess.ButImsorry
aboutthat.
Opalsaid,See.Shesallright.Shedidntmeannothing.
ThenLustersaid:
First off,you didnot freakmeout.Secondly,I can seerightthroughyou.Yourflesh
is beautiful but transparent. Why do you even bother wearing clothes when you know
theywilljustwinduponthefloor?
I said, Hey, Iapologized for staring at you.Whats with the attitude?Justbecause
youhavesuchabadhaircutdoesntmeanyouhavetobeadicktoeveryone.
Opallaughed.Lusterdidnt.
Hesaid,Ihateyou.
Isaid,Takeiteasy.Iwasjustkidding.
Just kidding? So you were just kidding? Like what you said has been totally
negatedjustbecauseyouwerethoughtfulenoughtosayjustkidding?

Opal interrupted, Im sorry. He always acts like this, and Ill tell you, Luster, Im
gettingsickofit.Youbettercoolitoryoucankissmycangoodbye,yousmartass.
I laughed atOpalforhavinganattitudethatrivaledLusters.Actually,shedidendup
dumpingLusterbecauseofthewayheactedwithotherpeoplewhentheywentout.
He said, Laugh on, laugher, but myelderlygirlfriend andI have found love ineach
other.Iknowyourprettyheadcannotcomprehendthat.
Thatreallypissedmeoff,soIspokeup.
Isaid,Oh.SoImustbestupidbecauseImjustastripperslut,right?
Ofcourse,Lusterletmehaveit.
He said, Yes.You are a dumbslut. Youhavebeen cultivating your dumbslut image
since your early teens whenyourparents divorced. Youfoundtheattentionyoulacked
at home in guys giving it to you physically. You are ahigh school dropout. Youwere
impregnated by a mystery father. To ensure that your child lives well, you became a
nudie dancer, which weare supposed tothinkis so noble.Butthetruthis,youwould
be a nudie dancer no matter what. You have spent yourwhole lifeteasing men, only
datingtheassholeswhobeatyou.
Opalyelledathim.Luster!Chill!
Iaskedhim,Areyoudone?
Hewasnt.Also,youstilllikeDisneycartoonmovies.
Iwouldnthavearguedwithhim,buthewaswayoffoneverything.SoIretorted:
No, IdontlikeDisneymovies,andmyparentsdidntdivorce.Mymomdied.Imnot
ahigh school dropout, andI dont haveababy.AndIknowtheresnopointinmyeven
sayingthisbecausenooneeverbelievesme,butIveneverevenhadsex.
I continued: And Iamnotanudiedancer.Iamaperformanceartist.Ifyouhadbeen
paying attention, you would have noticedmy acttonightwas basedon Canto Five of
DantesInferno.ButImguessingyoudontread.
That shut him up. Hejuststared at theground. Opalsaid,Well, shiver metimbers.
Lustersspeechless.Iguessithadnthappenedbefore.
Luster lookedup atme andsaid, Canto Fivethe damnationof the lustful! There
isnogreaterpainthantoremember,inourpresentgrief,pasthappiness.
Isaid,Soyoudoread.
He nodded and said, Let me get this processed. Your creepyass stripping is
meant as a lesson toallthe horny men whowatch you.You are trying tochange their
lustfulways.Correct?
Henailedit.Isaid,Yes!Yourethefirstpersonwhogetsit!

Hesaid,Thatisprettyrighteous.
Opalsaid,See.Sheisntsuchadumbslutafterall.
So Luster apologized for the way he had talked tome, and we were friends from
then on. Hemademe admit thatI waswasting my timegivinglessonsinmoralityata
strip club. Aweek later Iwas inmywheelchair.And another weeklater I met youand
Ray.Theend.
These stories about us seem to have a soothing, peaceful effect on the beastly
Ember.Shesasleepwithsomethingthatmaypassforasmileonherlittleface.
Thenextdaymy fathercallsme.Hewantstotalktomeinpersonbutdoesnttellme
why.Hesoundsmorepissedoffthanusual.
AssoonasIwalkinthehouse,heholds acalendartomyface.Imshockedtoseea
pictureofmyselfasMissDecember.
Whatthehellisthis?yellsmyfather.
OhmyGodisallIknowtosay.
In the picture, Im sitting on amotorcycle on abeach in atight black dress, looking
seductive but playful. In the background Commander Ken, the fast foodchainslong
deadfounderrecentlyresurrectedasacartoonmascot,walksontheoceanwhilefried
chickenfloatsaroundhim.
Whatis mycongregation goingtothinkofthis? Icantellthemhowtolivetheirlives,
but I cant even keep my own daughter from being in a girlie chicken calendar! I
mean when Stacy got pregnant was one thing, andwhen youwere a stripperwas
another,butdoyouknowhowmanypeoplegotoKensFriedChicken?
But,Dad,thisisfake.Daviddidnthavemypermissiontodothat.Ilefthimwhenhe
askedmetoposeforthat.
Then how do you explain this, Miss December? He shakes the calendar at my
face.
He obviously used a computer to superimpose me. I swear Ive never sat on a
motorcycleonthebeach,andCommanderKencantwalkonwater,either,canhe?
Myfatherthrowsthecalendaronthecoffeetable.Hesitsdownandsighs.
God,whathaveIdonetodeserveadaughterofsuchillrepute?
Iamnotofillrepute.
Youwereastripper,forChristssake!
Iwasaperformanceartist.

How did you get into all this slutty business, anyway? Was it that Luster?Has he
beenpimpingyouout?
IthoughtyoulikedLuster!
Oh,Iknowhiskind.Allthatsmoothtalking.
Ittakesanhour,butIfinallyconvincemyfatherthatI didntposeforthecalendar,that
Imnotaslut,andthatImstillavirgin.Heisespeciallyhappytohearthatlastfact.
ThankGod,hesays,hugginghisuntainteddaughter.Iwasbeginningtoworrythat
I wasacompletefailure as a father andareverend.Youverestoredmyfaithwithyour
morality,Rory.
I dont bother telling him that my virginity has nothing to do with morality, that my
frigidityis basedonapalpabledisgustforfellowman,thatIvesimplyhadnodesireto
consummateany relationship withany ofthe primitiveidiots Ivesofarencounteredin
this town, and that socalled morality has been afavorableside effect.I dontbother
tellinghimallthatstuff.
Now thathes cooleddown,Imtemptedtoaskhimwhathe,anhonorablereverend,
would be doing with a sexy calendar like that. But I let it go. Let him lust after
twodimensionalwhores.After all,hes onlyhuman, andtheolder Iget,themoreIfind
thattiredclichofanexcusetobeappropriate.

XII.MoldingYoungMinds
Ember

Im always along for the ride. I cant drive. I dont haveachoice. But someday Ill be
sixteen. Look out when that happens. And then I turn eighteen, and then I turn
twentyone.Bythatageeverythingbecomesokay.Icandoeverything.
Aurora drives usto Kens Fried Chicken.She drivesaLeBaron.Shesmadabout
what her exboyfriend did. Luster says he did it because he couldnt accept her not
being a whore. Sohe made herone behind her back tomakeitfitbetter.Lustersays
hewilltakecareofit.Thatswhywerehere.
I follow Aurora back to thekitchen ofthe Kens Fried Chicken.Weseea prettyboy
readingaMaximmagazinewithaslutonthecover.
Aurora!I knowwhy yourehere, saysPrettyboy.Youreprobablypissedaboutme
putting your picture inthecalendar,arentyou? But,heyyou hadclothesoninit,soI
figuredyouwouldntcare.Soarewecool?
Yeah,David.Werecool.ThatsnotwhyImhere.
Auroras exboyfriend is a cool guy. A trashy cool guy. Aurora shouldhave known
abouthim.Afterhelooksalloverherbody,hefinallynoticesme.
ThisismyfriendEmber,saysAurora.
Hey, Ember, he says. He offers me ahigh five. Adultsalwaysdothat tome. Ido
notgivehimone.Hedoesntcare.HesalreadylookingatAurorasbodyagain.
Damn, Aurora.You are lookin tight. Youshouldstandmoreoften.Doyou wantyour
wheelchairback?
No.Keepit.
Whatwasthatallaboutanyway?
JustanotherphaseIwasgoingthrough.Anyhow,Icametoaskyousomething.
Cool.
Iwasjustwondering,areyoumorelikeafloppydiskoraharddrive?
Aurora keeps David occupied with her questions. Luster makes his move. Im
supposed tokeep watch.Hesouttheretalkingtothecashiergirl.Shecomesbackto
thekitchen.
Duuude.David, thatblack guy out therewants tobuy,like,everycalendarwe have,
man,saysthedumbslut.
Cool. His face bunchesup. Heywait a minute.Aurora, do youhappen to know
anythingaboutthis?

No! says Aurora. She looks out front. Luster is playing withhis big hair.Like Id
haveanythingtodowiththatguy.
True, saysthe dumbass.Thatscool.Christy,goahead andsellallofem.Might
aswell.Betteryet,letmesellem.
Thedickstandsup.ThenAurorasays,But,David,Imnotthroughwithyouyet.
Hesitsbackdownandsendstheslutoff.HeonlylooksatAurora.
Areyoumorelikepancakesorwaffles?
AcoupleminuteslaterIseeLusterleaving.Igivemysignal.
Aurora,IwanttogohomeandlistentotheDebbyBoonerecord.
Waitjustaminute,Ember.ShelovesYouLightUpMyLife,saysAurora.
Shit, no!I wantto listentothe Debby Boonerecord, now! Now or die! Takeme!I
throwpansonthefloorandscream.ItsnotasfunsinceImsupposedto.
Okay,okay,okay.Settledown,saysAurora.Sorry,David.Wegottago.
Wait, uh, maybe we could go to a club later and do some body shots or
something?saysFuckhead.
Takeme!Iscream.
Sorry.Igottago,saysAurora.
Aight.Callme!heyellswhenweareleaving.
Abox fullof calendarssitsnextto me inthebackseat.Aurorasaiditwouldbeeasy
to steal them from that dumb cashier girl. She is a crackheadand always comes to
workmessedup.Lusterpaidherindogbettingvouchers.
Ournextstop isthePandemonium.Itistheonlyrockclubintown.Itisactuallyabar.
Manypeoplegothere.Myparentsgotherealot.
I follow Lusterin.The clubis bigand emptysince itsdaytime.Arocknrollmanis
sittingat the bar. He reads a Maxim.He isyoung and has anosering,alittlegoatee,
tattoos,purplehair,andleatherpants.
CanIhelpyou?asksthedork.Healsohasatonguering.
Maybe, answers Luster. I have a powerpop new wave heavy metal punk rock
bandnamed theAnomalies.Wewantto rock itherelikeaRandySavageelbowdrop
a.s.a.f.p.
Thatscool.Youcanjustgivemeyournameandnumber,andIllputyouonthelist.

Whatlist?!
Dude, theres like, twenty bands from the tristate area who are waiting toplayat
my club. This isthe place tobeontheweekends.Sojustchill.Illputyournameonthe
list,andyoucanwaitsixmonthslikeeveryoneelse.
But wearenot like everyone else,andIhavetogettherockrollingtogetoutofthis
nightmare of the nine to five. We are ready to play. We are ready to rock this town
once and for all, put it behind us, and then embark on a rock odyssey of Biblical
proportions. We cannot wait that long. We have a lot of work to do and must get
started. We have an eightyyearold guitarist. We haveabassplayer whose parents
mightnotletherplayhereoncetheyreturnfromvacation.Ithastobenextweekend.
Man,Imsorry,butIdontcare,dude.Doyouwantyournameonthelistornot?
HerearetenKensFriedChickencalendarswithyournameonthem.Letusplay.
Luster hands the prick the calendars. The prick looks through one of them and
laughs.
Dude,Ivebonedhalfoftheseskanks.Hey,whyisDecembermissing?
Canweplayherethisweekendornot?asksLuster.
No,dude.
It seems like you would bemore sympathetic, saysLuster.Lookatyou.Youhave
yourpiercingsandyourvinylpantsandyourGenXfacialhair.Youarewhattheyuseto
sell Mountain Dew. Your image has been coopted by corporate America to use in
commercialsforeverythingfromStarburststoVolkswagens.Theyhire modelstopose
as quirky slackers to sell their stuff, and yet here you are, the genuine article, not
seeingadime.Youarebeingused.
Fuckyou,dude.
The other day I saw a fifteenyearold cheerleader with that same tattoo on the
smallofherback,saysLuster.
Allright,man.Nowyoureneverplayinghere,plusImgonnahavetokickyourass.
Iknew youwouldsaythat,youDaveNavarromotherfletcher,saysLuster.PlanB,
Ember.Ididnotwanttoresorttothis.Pleaseexcuseourbassplayerforonemoment.
AsIm leaving, Ihearthedork say, Man, Icant have a fuckinlittlekidplayinghere,
anyway.
IreturnwithAurorawalkingbehindme.
Dowehaveagigornot,Luster?shesays.Imgettingtiredofwaitinginthecar.

Thispeckersayswehavetowaitsixmonthstoplayherelikeeveryoneelse.
Hesalreadylookingatherallover.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,waitaminute,hesays.Shesinyourband?
We haveagig next Friday. Ihope Igrow up to be pretty.Itwillmakemyhellraising
mucheasier.
MondayIgetintroubleagainatschool.Thelesboteachercouldnt getmyparentsto
comeinforanotherconference.TheyarebungeejumpinginCancun.
Theteacher saysitsimportant.Shecallsmyemergencycontact, Opal.Opalcomes
inafterschooltotalktoher.Rayiswithher.Isitonthefloor.
First,IguessIshouldshowyouEmberslateststunt,saysMs.Watson.
She showsOpaland Raythe flyer Imade. It shows a nakeddemonlicking another
naked demon. It says Live @ The Pandemonium, FridayThe Anomalies. I got
caughtpassingitouttotheotherkids.
Thatsus!saysRay.WeretheAnnohmaylees.
ItstheAnnAHmullies,dipshit,saysOpal.
Luster came up with our name the other day. I looked it up. Its perfect for us.
Nobodyknowswhatitmeans.
Yeah. Embers in that band with us. Shes publicizing our show with a punk rock
flyer.Whatofit?asksOpal.
Ms. Oglesby, the picture on theflyeris entirelyinappropriate.Furthermore, do you
really think Ember should be allowed toplaywith youadultsatthisestablishment?Ive
hearditgetsprettywildthere.
Well, furthermore even more, itsanallagesshow,saysOpal.We wanteditthat
way.And takeitfromme, fellow.Youreonlyyoungonce.IwishIhadbeenrockingout
atherage.
OpalhastaughtmetorockouteverychanceIget.
You should come see us, says Ray. We rock itoh we rock so goodly, it is
likecanIsayorgasmicasaword?
Imsorry,whoareyou?asksmyteacher.
ImfriendswithEmberandOpal.Iamhereforsupportingmorals.

Isee. Well,sinceI last metwithEmbersparents,Iveseennoimprovementsinher

behavior.In fact, inthe last three weeks, itsgotten worse. Itsalmost like shes trying
togetsenthome.
Noshit,Isay.Theydonthearmeoractliketheydont.
We knowallaboutherbehavior,saysRay.Wecantgethertogotobeduntillittle
hours like two or three. We haveto tellherbedtimestoriesto get her towake down.
Butshesnothurtinganythingoranyone.SheisbeingEmber.Wethinkitisokay.
SoareyoulivingwithEmber?askstheteacher.
Thewholebandliveswithher,justuntilherparentsreturn,saysRay.Thebandhas
practiceatEmberseverynight,andthenwealljustsleepoverforslumberpartying.
Shutup,Ray,saysOpal.Shedoesntneedtohearaboutallofthat.
That would explainwhyshesbeenfallingasleepsomuchlately,saysMs.Watson.
Shes also been breaking the dress code, dressing like TinaTurnerfromMad Max
nearlyeveryday.
Wethoughtthatwascute,saysOpal.
Ill giveyouthebottomline.Embersstretchedthisschoolsrulesandregulationsto
their limit. Theprincipal has decided to expelher. Andconsidering herparents arent
even in this country and that she is livingwith a rock band, Iwill haveto recommend
thatshebeputintheEastHome.
Actually, expelling her would work out nice for us, says Opal. We were thinking
aboutgoingontoursoon,sothatwouldfreeherbumbumup.
Butachildneedsaneducation,and
Iknowthat.Letmefinish,boy!Couldwehomeschoolherontheroad?
Idontthinkso.
Were sure not gonna letyouputher arse insomehome. Her parents maynotbe
worthacrud,butshesgotfamilyinus.
Opal strokes my hair.Ray pats meontheshoulder.Beingexpelled soundsokay. I
hateschoolandthepeopleinit.Iamhappywiththissituation.Ilikebeingexpelled.
We had a good three weeks together. But this week is not all thatgreat.Wedont
know whats going to happen to me. Weve beenavoiding the peoplefromthegirls
home.OpalandImostlystayinthebasementanddontanswerthedoor.
Also, Auroras exboyfriend wont leave heralone. He found out she was here. But
we have caller ID. We finally took the phone off the hook. Aurora also stays in the
basement.

Luster and Raymiss themeals sometimesthisweek.Theygoouttopassoutflyers

andtellpeopleabouttheshow.Theycomehometopracticeandsleep.
We are tense about the show. We wonder if were goodenough. Manytimesthis
week,Rayhasvomited.Istandbyhiminthebathroomsometimesashepukes.
Luster says everything should work out if wedowellFriday.(Idoubtthis.)Hesaysif
were a hit, and maybe evenifwere not,hell setup a tour. We can play all overthis
country.Maybesomedaytheworld.IwanttokickassinagoodwayifIcan.

XIII.AllTogetherNow
Luster
Tonight isascrucialtoourlivesasourmothersvaginas. Shoulderdemonswhisperto
me,thoughI cannot differentiatetheirvoices.Icannotdistinguishbetweenthetimbres
of the ideal realist Richard Dreyfuss or the real idealist Albert Camus. None the
nevertheless, tonight could telluseverythingwe needtoknowaboutourfutureasrock
musicroadwarriorsonthesevenchunkballEarth.Tonightisamicrocosm.Iftheyhate
usat the biggest club inasmall town, theyllhateusatthesmallestclubinthebiggest
town. If the small reptile minds out therecan acceptus, then Iwillhave faithin all the
rest.

We are backstage, already in costumebut abouttotearourdiversifiedfleshoff.My

bandmates sit on acouchbeforeme.I talk tomyself asIsooftendotoeasemy mind
andto get toknow me better,though mydramatic monologue isintendedforthemas
well.
Ifyouarenot nervous, you should be.Cowardly are thecool.Coolnesscomesfrom
lies thatpeoplegivethemselvesthattheyareincontrol,thateverything isgoingtobe
all right,thatthey belongwherevertheyare.Thetruthisthateverysecondofeveryday,
there are a thousand things that could go wrong, from the tiny animals infecting our
bloodstream to the biggest VIPs making horrendous mistakes that will make our
greatgrandchildrenwanttosleepallday.Thesameappliestoourshowtonight.
Isthissupposedtobeapeptalk?asksAurora.
No. I am no coach. I am not that big of an asshole. I am just talking so that my
thoughts make sounds.The same principlemakes meloverockmusic.Butevenrock
goes wrong sometimes. I have the highest of hopes for us, hopesthat hop onpogo
sticks atop the Olympus Mons. But remember who we will be playing for tonight:
humanoids,monkeyswith wardrobes. Justbylooking atus, they mightnotlikeus,but
it isonlyfair as I do not likethem.Our onlychance of gettingthroughisoursound,so
you had better play well. Play like you are going to die. This ismy dream, sodonot
botch it.I donot ever want to start hating you. Youarefourpeople Ineverwanttoadd
tomytwocenturylongshitlist.

ClubOwner
Dude. This crowd is fucked up. We usually get, like, twentysomething white dudes
andtheirgirlfriends.Tonightweregettingeverythingfromoldpeopletolittlekids.Now
I knowwhy that hot chicks bandwanted it tobe allages,sinceitmustbetheircrowd.
But itsnotjusttheirages. Im seeing everything from bigblack dudestorednecksto
teenagerstowelldressedadultstostrippersIvebonedtoprepsandevenalesbian.
Its fucked up, but I cant complain. Theres a shitload of people here, and I dont
care what they look like because their cash all looks the same. Ishouldstarthaving
allagesshows,andIshouldprobablyevenhavethatonebandplayhereregularly.
I go backstage,and therethey are.I almostcrackuplaughingatemcauseoftheir
goofy outfits. Theyrein these shinyglitterygold jumpsuitswith tasselsonthesleeves
and pant legs. Thats actually pretty cool. Its nice to see a band going all out for a
change.

Whuzup?Isaytothehotchick.
Hey,shesaysandsmiles.Shewantsme.
Youguysgoonintenminutes.Doyouneedanything?AHeinekenorsomething?
Nothanks,shesays.
Cool. We have a kickass crowdout there tonight. Probably the biggestIveseen
sinceStrangerDangercametotown.
We oughtta have a big crowd out there, says the old lady. LusterandRay have
been promotin it like asonofabitchthis pastweek.They flyered the fuckout of this
show.
Cool, I say,making sure mysleevesarerolledhighenoughforthehotchicktosee
mytattoos/muscles.
Thatprissyforeigndudepeeksthroughthecurtains.
Ooh! Almond joy! he yells.Hes right.There aretonsopeopleintheattendance.
Hey!Joeishere!
Mustbehisboyfriend.
So you want to come to a party at my bachelors pad after the show? I ask the
chick.
No.Imsorry,butIhateparties.
Thatscool.Therewentyournextgigatmyclub,bitch.

Ray
Makingmywaythroughthecrowd.Sovarying!Whatbeautifulmeltingpotsyoucanget
in this country! Leather, denim, hair dye, pants, every sort of haircut all over
everywhere. Teenage boys make me think of Aymon. Wish he was here. If success
comes,Milkahwilltakemeback.Theywillcomebacktome,tolivetothebest.
But all of thedifferent typeslook at mefunnybecauseofmyrockandrollcostume.I
excuse mealltheway throughthem all until Igetto Joeinthemiddleofteenpeople.
Helooksbored,smokesdroopycigarette,andwearsJohnDeerecap.
Joe!Iyell.
Whatsup?hespeaks,lookingatmyoutfit.Smellslikebeer.
Imsogladyoucamehere!Igotyouapresent!Ihadhispresentspeciallymade. It
isaTshirt.Aniceone!(Airbrushed.)Heholdsituptoreadthefront.

I foughtin the GulfWar,and all Igot was this lousyTshirt.Ha.Thats prettygood.

CourseI also gota bulletin thehip,thankstoyou!Stilllimpalittle!Gotsenthomeand
couldntfinishmydutyasanAmerican!
How?Dontknowwhattosay.Butthenhestartslaughingfriendily,sosodoI.
Justkidding,hesays.

Brother
Shit.Iseeabunchoffamiliarmothahfuckasupin here,youknowwhumsayin.CuzIve
fuckin sold weed to half the mothah fuckas in here, aight. And acid, shit, ecstasy,
occasional meth, whatevah, know whum sayin. Wait til I tell em boutmy crack,you
know whum sayin. Its all good. My little brothah wanted me tocometo thisshit, you
know whum sayin.Fuckin toldusallto come.Wesaid, shit,wedidntwantanyofthat
freakyshit,youknow whumsayin.He fuckintoldusoff,saidwewaswhatwasit?
thatEve record, yeah, Eveolution. Said comin here wastheleastwe coulddocuzwe
was makin Eveolution go backwards or something,know whumsayin. Said wewas,
shit, fuckin turnin back into apes and shit right before his eyes like those mothah
fuckas went from pigs tomenin Animal Farmorsomeshit. Fuckin quotin booksand
shit we dont know about.SometimesI wanna bustacap inhis smart ass,you know
whum sayin. His Reading Rainbow ass,youknow whumsayin. We didntknow what

the fuck he was talkin bout, you know whum sayin, but we came cuzwe figured we
couldfindsomecustomershere,andwewasright.

Aurora
As Im looking over the crowd through the curtains, I see that my father ended up
comingtothe show. Hes graduallycomingtotermswithhisbrokenJesusstatue,and
I think he nolonger resentsthe band. I see himouttheretalkingtoChristyandKristie.
Heprobablyrecognizesthemfromthecalendar.
I also happen to see an oddlooking boy standing alone off to the side. He looks
uncomfortable here but kind of like hed be uncomfortable regardless of his
surroundings. Hes looking at the crowd like he either hates them or hes afraid of
them, or maybe even afraid forthem.Hesnothandsomein a traditional sense, andI
could do withoutthe dorky Bill Cosbysweater,but Iwanthimhorribly.Impicturinghim
nervously approaching me after we play a perfect set, and hed say something like,
Imsorry,butyalls musicis just so gorgeousthatithurts me towatch youplayit,or

Ive been looking for someone like you for so long that I had already given up, or
Pleaseloveme.Itcouldbeyouandmeversuseveryone.
Then, from behind me, I hear someone remark Whuzup? in a coolguy voice. Its
David. Hes wearing a visor andjeans with slits cutatthebottomsothepantlegs can
drapecasuallyoverhissandals.
Whatareyoudoingbackhere?Iaskhim.
Just chillin. Im here toforgiveyou. Ive beentryingto call you. Iknow youandthat
black dude stolemycalendars.Buthey,IguessIhaditcoming,youknowwhumsayin,
andIcantstaymadatyouwhenyourelookinsofine.Soarewecool?
Sure.Igottagodosomething.Iattempttoleave,buthekeepstalking.
Cool.Tell you what. Justto showyou therearenohardfeelings,Illletyouhangout
withmesometime.
Dontdomeanyfavors,David.
Thats cool. Man, lately, you are such a hotty. I gotta be honest, Im sweatin you
prettyhard.Whatareyoudoingaftertheshow?
Idontknow.
Letshookup.
David,Im sorry, but Imnotinterested.I dontknowwhyIeverwas.Youreatypical
male.Youreadick.Pleaseleavemealone.
Thatscool.
I walk away. Even after what he did to me withthe calendars,I still feel badabout
talking to him like that. But with these horny, cocky guys and their onetrack minds,
sometimes you gotta get tough and spell things out to get through to them. Even
coolguyshavetogettheirheartsbrokensometimes.Dontthey?

ExBoyfriend
Nobody has ever donethistome.She cannot dothistome.Stupidbitch.Shecannot
treat me like that. Im not some teenage boy you can just brush off. Imaman, point
blank. Im twentythree, Im in my prime, I got girls all over mystick, Ivebackpacked
across Europe, Igotacooljob,asweetJeep,tightbody,perfecthair,peopleloveme,
and you dont talk to me likethat.Stupid bitch. Imgonna make her pay.Shesahot
piece of ass, but you know what? SoamI.The bottom line isyou dont treat me like
that, pointblankAhcool, somebodysgot a sweetampbackhere. Itwouldkickass
asacarstereospeaker.Cool.

Opal
I see some prettyboy snooping around my amp, probably dreaming about what it
would beliketo havecarspeakersthat size. Isay, Thats not a bass amp like youd
want,sojustfuckoff,andhesayswhateveranddoesjustthat.
I peek through the curtains to take a looksee at the audience. Its a damn
goodsized crowd.Foronceinmyeightyyearslivinghere,thistownhassurprisedme.
I see most everyone I know, except for my nieces and their kids. I see my group
therapy cronies, and evenKiptookthenightofffromthegaybartocome andseeme.
Lotsofsweetpratoutthere,too.
Dammit.I wish I had beenrockin outallalonglikethisinsteadofworkinginadamn
car part factory my whole life, slaving away makingrimsand hubcaps. But IreckonI
canmakeupforitnow.Illjustrockextrahard.

I hope the showgoes welltonight.Ah,whatthehellDearLord,pleaseletitgowell

tonight at theshow. Letthem accept us and likeus.Andpleaseletusgetsomewhere
with our music. We all need it.Im sorryI haventtalked toyoufor so long orgone to
church forten years, butitsjustcauseIdidntwanttobepartyingandhavingsexona
Saturday just to be acting all holy on Sunday. You know thatswhat theyalldo, andI
didnt want to be like that. Im sorry. And you know every time Mass was over and
everyonewas filingout,theywouldntleteachotheroutofthepewsandintotheaisles.
Therewere similarsituations inthe parkinglotafterwards. Itjustgottothepointwhere
I hated beingaround thosepeople, andthenIgotso oldthatIstarteddoingwhateverI
wanted.Isntthatsortalikeyou?
Come to think of it, could that explain things? I know you waited millions of years
before you put us here. Were you just getting tired by that point, and thats why we
turned outlikethis, sousedupandunoriginal?Idontmeantoblameyou,andIshould
pointout thatyou havemadeafewdiamondsintherough.RussellCroweandWesley
Snipesimmediatelycometomind.Andyoudidreallywellwithmybandmates,too.
I hope we do you proud, because we reallyareona kindofmissionwiththisband,
and I think its one thatyoud approve of.Anyhow, Ithankyou for everything. Itsbeen
rough, buthereI am,sothanksfor letting me be.Please,justdontletmestartdriving
slowlikeanoldwomananytimesoon,andpleaseletthingsgowelltonight.

God
Opal:
Thank you for submittingyour query forTHINGS GOINGWELL TONIGHT ATTHE
SHOW. However, We are currently experiencing a heavy productionschedule, and,
unfortunately, your project does not meet Our needs at this time. Thanks for
consideringUs,andbestoflucktoyoutonightandinthefuture.
YoursTruly,
God
P.S.YourerightaboutCroweandSnipes.Theyreacoupleofmyfaves,too!

Ember
I had another nightmare last night. Everybody was dying. It was no one I knew. Just
tons of people without faces. Billions of them. All of them. Their faces were cut off.
Theywereinpiles.Theywereonfire.
I wassafe,though, upreally high somewhere. Iwas telling themto lineupand then
walkintothefire.TheyalldidexactlywhatItoldthemtodo.
I watched it all. I was crying tears made of blood. Butthescary partwas thatthey
werehappytears.
Areyouokay,crazybaby?asksLuster.
Yeah.
Youlookabitmoresaturninethanusual,littlefriend.
Imokay.
Lustercrouchesdowntotalktome.Hequietshisvoiceforme.
Whatiswrong,rabidchild?Talk.
Icantavoidhim,butIdontmindit.
Imscared.
Whatareyouscaredof,darlingone?

Icanttellhimaboutmynightmare.Itstooweird.Evenforhim.Idontanswer.
Is it our show? Is that it? he asks. My dream is bothering me, but hes right. Im
afraidoftheshow,too.Inod.
I am scared, too, baby. There would be something wrong with us if we were not
scared. We do not want to play it all cool like a bunch of rappers or contestants on
Elimidateorfratboysatapoolparty,dowe?
No.Theyreindenial.
Luster laughs. That is right. You said it. Hesuddenlyfrowns. But, Ember,maybe
we were wrong in having you rock out with us. Maybe you should be doing little kid
thingsinsteadofplayingwithus.
No! Hell no, dumbass! Im doing what I want! I love this band! Shuts the hell up,
shithead. The otherbandmateswalkover when they hear meyelling. Luster doesnt
seethattheystandbehindhim.Helaughsagain.
There is theEmber venom I knowandlove.He leans inclosertome andsays, I
love this band, too, youknow.Evenifeveryonebotchesmycompositionsoutthere,no
matter what happens, I love you people. I guess wereallyshould not be scared after
all.
Ahhh, our bandmates say. He hops up and faces them. I was having a private
conversation with Ember!And what iswith thatAhhh shit? This isnot anepisodeof
FullHouse.IamnotafuckingOlsentwin.AndifImeantforallofyoutohear
Luster keeps yelling. Then they surround him. They hug him and tell him they love
him,too.
Hefinallyshutsup.

Therapist
A cute guy comes out on stage. Im just crazy about his outfit! Its so wild! Pleather
pants, shiny shirt, and those piercings and tattoos!Actually, my littlestepsister has a
tattoojustlikeonehehas!Crazy!
Whatsup,mothahfuckas?heasks.
Oh.Everybody,eventhelittlekids,isyellingWoo!soIjoinin.
Woo!
Hecontinues:Howmanyofyoufeellikehumans?
Everyonewoos.
Andhowmanyofyoufeellikefuckinganimals?
Everyonewoos,evenmorethanbefore.
LaterontonightwegotAssficksi8,HyberNation,andSpazm.Butrightnow,wegot
thedebutofabrandnewband.PutyourhandstogetherfortheAnnaMollies!
HmmIlikethat name.Thecrowdsortofgivesthemahand,andthecurtainopens.
Theres Opal! I love the matching gold outfits. The spotlights are causing them to

shine.Emiliosleeps inasimilaroutfit.Inoticethatquiteafewofthepeoplearoundme
arelaughingandmakingfunofthem.(Theircostumesandthemaspeople.)
That black guy is crazy! He wont stop moving. San Francisco. He keeps running
backand forth acrossthestagewithhishands intheair.HeshouldbeonBroadway!I
cantkeep myeyesoff ofhim,anditsnotbecauseImtotallygay!Meanwhile,Ilookat
allofmypatients,andtheyarestaringinaweatOpal.
I guess if shes not in a nursing home (which Im convinced she needsto beafter
hearing her pantysniffingstory!Gross!) this isthenextbestplaceforhertobewithall
thiscraziness!

Cop
Thefirst thing I see and hear when Icomeinisthat crazyJohnsonboyrunningaround
onstage.IsaidIdkeepaneyeonhim,andhesmakingiteasyforme.
It is Anomalies! The Anomalies! he screams into the microphone. I see alotof
goodlooking widows, orphans, introverts, extroverts, latchkey kids, amputees, and
Jewishcarpenters outtheretonight!MynameisLusterJohnson,andIamdoingwell!I
am not goingto askyouallhow youaredoing,becauseIamsureyouwouldjustreply
byyelling,Wooo!
A bunch of the audienceyellsWoo!anyway. Ha. Iseehis brothersarehere, too.
Mustbelookingforsomecustomers,andIknowaboutthecrack.
Humanoids,Huey Lewis, Ihavegotnews.Tonightweplantorockyouintooblivion!
Soblow outyourcandles, and make a death wish!Unzipthenamebrandepidermis!
Let the razor blade sounds of my crazy trachea cut the cord on the back of your
necks!
Listentoallthat.Andheaintondrugs?

Punk
Man,ifIvegotsomethingtosay,Illjustcomeoutandsayit.Ijustdontcare.
Dude, your outfits are fucking gay! I get a laugh from my buds. Irule. That black
dude thinks hes some kind of rock star or something, so fuck him andhis friends.I
dontgetthisband.Theydontbelonghere,andtheydontbelongtogether.
Fuck you! I made these outfits! yells the old lady. The crowd cheers for her.
Whatever. Shouldnt she be in a nursing home or something? I give her the middle
finger. Idontcareifsheisanoldlady.Idontgiveafuck.Myfriendsarelovinit.Imthe
man.
The black dude looks right at me. I cannot believe it! he says. A punk rock kid
giving the middle finger? What next, asshole? Are you going to accuse us of being
sellouts?
Sellouts!Iyellathim.
Letmetell you, Punky Punkerson,youcanmakefunofouroutfitsuntilthefatladies
come homeandthecowsings.Freeisthemanwho doesnotmindlookingstupid!he
says.Butyouprobablyalreadyknewthat!
Before I threaten to kick his ass, the sweetass drummer stands up and yells,
Comeon,Luster!Letsplayasong!

Some dude yells, Show us your tits! Another dude yells,Thatdrummers fucking
hot!Anotherdudeyells,Soisthebassplayer!
Thebass player is, like, a littlegirl.After hearingthat,shecomesuptotheedgeof
the stage and spits at the audience. That is pretty punk rock. So you know what?
Shesallright.

Hippie
Duuude, maaaan.This black dudes killing mybuzz, man.Hekeeps,like,fuckingwith
everybody. Thatssonotcool,dude.Thisisallaboutmeetingnewpeople.Itsallabout
themusic,man.Whywonttheyplaysometunes,man?
I think there are a lot of guys here with smallpenises but firm handshakes! See,
there he goes again,man.Thats,like,notcool,man.Imfuckinghigh.Ihavenotseen
acrowdthis raucous sinceShermanHemsleys Presidential Gala! Maybe you donot
deserveourwatchamacallitrock!
Dude,man, dude, man,I dont evengive a fuck anymore. Phish. Igoup tothefront
andImlike,Dude,man,playsometunes,dude.Thatsnotcool.
Oh, I am sorry. Am I killing your buzz? Well, this will really bring you back down.
What you call a counterculture, Icallan excuseto gethighandnotbathe.Intwoyears
youwilltradeinyoursandalsforloafers,andIwillbehiringyouasmyaccountant.
Sonotcool,man. How couldthecrowdbelaughingathim,man?Dude,man,were
youdroppedasababy?!Isaytohim.ItsallIcouldthinkof,man.
Whoa! Hold on! hesays. Were you droppedasababy?Thatcutdownis older
thanpoetry!
Duuude,thecrowdkeepslaughing,man.

Whatnext?Ismymotherasnowblower?Dostshewearcombatboots?
Man, fuck this crowd laughing, dude. That punk rock dude isnextto me.Heslike,
Man, fuck that dude. Hes acrackhead. Dont pay any attention tohim, and hepats
meontheback,soIsay,Thanks,man.Thatscool.
Thepunk rock guyandIaregonnasmokeabowllater.Andthatswhatitsallabout.
Meetingnewpeopleandmakingnewfriends.Andthemusic.

Teacher
This isgettingridiculous.Ill admit it,I am a very impatient person.I wishtheydplay.I
toldmy partnerIdbe homebyeleven.Hey.Kipshere.Ifiguredhedbeatthebarwith
Emilioandthegang.
ThissongisentitledHonorableDischarge,announcestheAfricanAmerican.What
asicktitle.Two,four,six,eight!
Sotheyfinallybeginplaying.Ihaveto admit,theyreactuallyprettygood.Reallyloud,
upbeat,andstrongsounding.Intense,yetmelodic.Unique.
Sometimes men and womenmakemistakes. Andnine monthslater, they develop
whenthewaterbreaks.(IthinkthatswhattheAfricanAmericanissinging.)
Ember looks so cute, even though shes trying hard not to. Shes staring at the
audience like shes possessed. Shes playing thatbig guitar really hard,sogood for
her.Yougo,girl.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is good for her. She can get rid of some of that
frustrationonstage.Itseemstobehealthy.

ExBoyfriend
Man, I hate to say it, but they rock. I mean, Im almost feeling bad for what I did.
Auroras still on my mind, but damn,that oldgirl islooking pretty good, too, asweird
asthatsounds.Shesuptherekickingassonthatguitarwithherlegsspreadapart.
The crowd isgettingintoit. Theres a good vibe inthe air, andI cant help butbob
myheadtothemusic.

Father
Im so proud ofmydaughter.Ihadnoideashecouldplaydrumsthatwell.Herhairand
armsflyallaround her, with herbeautiful form in themiddle.Itisafastsong,butshes
keepingthebeatperfectly.
Herband exhibitsadelightfulspunkinitspassionatedeliveryofhard,thrustingrock.
And thecrowd is lovingit! Itsonlytakenaminute, andtheyvealreadybeenwonover.
Theaudienceisstartingtomovearoundandupanddowntothemusic.
The song ends and the venue unleashes a load of approval in the form of cheers
and applause. Some audience members hold their arms erect to display their
enthusiasm. Iturn tothecomelyyoung ladies thatstandnext to me, old colleaguesof
mydaughters.
Thats my daughter up there! I yell. And theyre good! The young ladies nod in
agreement.
Yes! I can already see some of the brain wires retracting! enthusiastically yells
Luster after the applause finally dies down. I dont know what hes talking about, but
hesobviouslyveryhappy.Hecontinues:
As F. ScottFitzgerald wouldhave said, I am thankful tohaveanexistenceatall,if
onlyasareflectioninyourweteyes.
Another song commences. I see the crowd moving together with smiles on their
faces, and I really do think something positiveis going on here tonight.God isreally
intowhattheyredoing.Pubes.

Cop
Ill bedamned. Idont knowwhy,butthe crowdseemsto beenjoyingit.Soundslikea
bunchofnoisetome.

Boss
I can see himupthere playingthat gaylookin keyboard guitarlikething,but Imreally
not hearing what theyre doing. IfJohnsons the leader, Im sureits a bunchof freaky
alternativeshit, so screwit. Imin the zone. Imable to blockout all thenoise,justlike
inthewar.Besides,Ididntcomeheretolistentonomusic.
The bottom line is that I haveanopportunitythat no man ever gets. My enemy, the
man who took me out of action (and a fucking towelhead no less), has presented
himself to me on a goddamnsilver platter.Im doing what any redblooded American
malewoulddoifhehadthechance.Liketheysay,paybacksabitch.

Brother
Shit. I gottasay,mylittlebrotherrules,youknowwhumsayin.Sothisiswhathesbeen
doin in our room,writing songsin those notebooks andshit. Itsfuckin hype shit, too,
youknow whumsayin.I mean,itaint, like,whatIdbump uptoinmyride,knowwhum
sayin,but itsstillstraight though.Bling bling. Hes up theredancinallsillyandshit, all
over the shit. I love it. Has a straight, loud voice, too. Crowd feels it, you knowwhum
sayin. Im all about love, know whum sayin. Yeah. Yeah. Uhhuh. Yeah. Shit. Mothah
fuckin redneck pulling a gun out. Shoots that foreign dudes keyboard. Music stops.
Shoots him again. Foreign dudes down. Everybody screaming. I get mine out.
Jerome gets his. We cap the rednecks ass just in case, you know whum sayin.
Everybodysrunningoutscreaminandshit.Theshowsover.

XIV.DoingHisJob
Ray
What is a happening? I dont understand. Noises not good. Sounded like war.
Bleedingsofreely.Ceilingtiles,blacksky.Ambulance.Ibleedfreely.
My testicles. He got my area. It was him.I sawhim.Itwas Joe. Hedidnt forgive it
afterall.
The end of the story flashes in my brain. The Germans and the British. Both their
commanders threatened the peacewith treason. Thefighting resumed. And thatsan
order.
Lusterupabove.
Tellthewifeand kidIlovethem.TellthemImsorryIstayedbehindhere.Sorrybout
this.Goodbye.
Donottalklikethat,Ray.Youwereshotinthenuts.Youwillgetthroughthis,andwe
aregoingwithyou,hemouths.
Ohno youre not,motherfucker!speaksamanvoicesomewhere.Nooneexcept
theforeignerisgoinganywhere.Lusterleavescursing.
Theforeigneristakenaway.

Cop
SoatleastI got one Johnsonwhere Iwant him,thecrazy one. Istilldont believe that
his brothers were totally innocent with what went on earlier, even if the witnesses
claimed that Joe shot first. Still, Ill get to the bottom of this and book them soon
enough.Butforrightnow,Igotthisonetodealwith.
Whatthefuckisthisallabout,copinadoughnutshop?asksJohnson.
Wehavereasontobelievethatyourbandisinpossessionofanillegalsubstance.
What?
Weknowyougotthedrugs.
False!
Give it up, Johnson. One of your buddies ratted on you. Youre finished. Now
gimmethedrugs!
Sweetshit!Idonothaveanydrugs!
Oh, come on, Johnson. We getacallsayingyouguys haveabagofcrack.Thena
foreigner gets shot. The two go together. Its a textbook example of a drugrelated
crime. Your brothers were even here to have your back. Now hand over the drugs,
motherfucker!
Battleship sunk! he yells. Have you ever seen a mans dreams dissipatein five
minutes? It is one thing to get shot at, but then to be accused of this malarkey. Our
injuryhasbeeninsulted.

PoorolJoe. Theyre rolling himpast us. Hewas a goodman, a mansman,anda

damn hard worker. Idontknowwhyintheworldhewouldgetcaughtupin amesswith
theseheathens.Somebodysgonnapayforit.

Opal
ThegirlsandI are still inshock. Emberson mylap,crying for the first time sinceIve
knownher.Beingtheoldest,IfeellikeIshouldsaysomething.
IthinktheshowwasgoingreallywelltilRaygotshot.
Totally,saysAurorasadly.
ThecopandLusterwalkover.
If you aint talkin, Ill just find the stuff myself, says that cop who interrupted our
practice, that one with the mustache and buzz cut. All of you stay right there. Dont
eventhinkaboutgoinganywhere.Hewalksofftowardthestage.
HowsRay?AuroraasksLuster.
If this wereamovie,youwouldjustsay,Ishe?andnotfinishyoursentence,and
thenIwouldinterruptyou,asiftheaudienceshouldbeshelteredfromtheworddead.
Comeon,Luster.Nowsnotthetimeforthatcrap,Isay.
Lusterlooksembarrassed,whichisrareforhim.
Heshould beokay, he says. He wasshotinthescrotum,butheisstillconscious.
Rightnow,wehaveanotherproblemonourhandswiththatcop.
Whatsgoingon?asksAurora.
He thinks we have drugs. He thinks that is what the shooting was over. He says
someonecalledandrattedonus.
Oh,shit.Emberlooksupatme,probablythinkingthesamethingoh,shit.
Icantjustnotsayanything.

Uhh,Ishouldprobablytellyallsomething,Iwhisper.
What?asksLuster.
IjustrememberedIhaveabigbagofcrackinthebackofmyamp.
What?hootsAurora.Lusterstaresatme.
Imjustkindofhidingitfromthepersonthatstoleit,Isay.
Whostoleit?Auroraasks.
Well, uh Ember looks up at me, then at the others, her face still redand moist
from crying. She slowly raises her hand. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Ive failed as a
babysitter.GuessIwouldnthavemadethatgreatofaparentafterall,dammit.

ExBoyfriend
Dude,I guessI wasnttheonly onethathad it outforthatband.Itsbeenaroughnight
forem.Butyouknow, theyshouldnthavefuckedwithme,causethatssomethingyou
just dont do.Auroras gotasweet ass and aband that rocks,but youjustdont treat
me likethatandgetawaywithit,stealingmycalendarsandthenshuttingmedownlike
thatIll be cool to you as long as yourecool to me, youknow whumsayin,and she
wasnotcooltome.
Iseemycopbudlookingaroundonstage,soIsneakaroundbackstage.
Pssst.Whatsup,Officer?
Hey.Whatsup,David?
Justchillin.HaventseenyouroundmyKensFriedChickenforawhile.
Yeah.Beenbusy.Whatyoudoinghere?
Actually,Imtheonewhocalled.IllshowyouwhereIfoundtheirstash.

Aurora
I knewwe shouldvebeen keeping a closer eyeonEmber.Iguesswewere all caught
up in our own stupid problems with the humanoids, like me with that Davidprick.I
shouldneverhaveletmyguarddownforsomeonelikehim,someonesoaverage.
Ember,howcouldyou?Iask.
Lusters brothers werebeingmeanto all ofus that onenight. No one waslooking.
SoItookabag.
Oh. I remember. Lusters brothers were too busy hitting on me to notice their
preciouscrackwasbeingstolenbyaneightyearold.AndIwastoobusybeinghiton.
Shedidntevenknowwhatshewasstealing,saysOpal.
YesIdid!
Sheshowed it to me, andI tookitfromher,saysOpal.Iknow Ishouldvethrownit
away.
Whydidntyou?Iask.
Well,youknow how Iam. Illtry anythingonce. I wassaving it incase Ieverfeltthe
urge.Ineverfeltit,though.Shit.Imsorry.
But whowould call thepoliceon us? Iask. Nobody knows. Ialwaysfelteverybody
wasouttogetus.IguessIwasright.
The cop returns witha large Ziplocbag fullof what I presumeto becrack cocaine.
Itsyellowishwhite.
Imonlygoingtoaskyouallonce.Whoseisit?
Foronce,wearesilent.

Ember
I cried sad tears for Ray. They needed out. But now Im mad again. I hate cops.
Especiallythisone.
Comeon,Johnson!AmIgoingtohavetoarrestallfourofyou?
He cant do this to Luster. Imtheonethatruinedeverything.IhopoffOpalslapand
screamatthecop.
DontblameLuster!Itsmycrack!Istoleit.Lusterhadnothingtodowithit!
Thecoplooksdownatmeandsmiles.Likeadultsalwaysdo.NowOpalstands.
Hush, Ember.Its mine, officer. Ididnt smoke anyof it,butitwasinthebackofmy
amp.
Thecoplaughsather.
Maam, little girl, thats really sweet of yall, butwho are you kidding?What would
youtwowant with abagofcrack? Meanwhile, not onlywas Johnson acting high as a
kiteonstage, buthisfamilyhasahistoryofbeingarrestedforsellingdrugs.Giveitup,
Johnson.Yallcantfoolme.
The policeman is right, says Luster. He sounds soft and calm. Whom are we
kidding?He hasto haveithisway.Hehastomakethingsright.Hehasthewaythings
are in his head, and he has the uniform to make them be. So, yes,that ismy crack.
Arrestmy ass, if that isthewayithastobe.Takemeaway.Heholdsouthishandsto
thecop.
Luster! we all scream. Luster looks at me and smiles like a littlekid.The cop is
alreadycuffinghim.IclingontoLustersleg.
Heslying,officer!Dontyoudarearresthim!yellsOpal.
Ladies,please.Imjustdoingmyjob.Nowstandback.

Thecop pushes me away. He leadsLuster off bythearm.Opal,Aurora,andIstare

helplessly.Wemissourmen.
Luster turns aroundandsmiles. Hetries to wavegoodbye buthas cuffs on. So he
kind ofwiggles his fingersatus.Heturnsbackaround.Wehearhimyellathisalltime
loudest,Justdoinghisjob!Payinghisbills!Nothingpersonal!
Hehadalwayshateditwhenpeoplesaidthingslikethat.

XV.SixEpilogues
Husband
Everythingback tonormalis comfortable. Backwhere Ibelongis good formyhealth.
Nomorepunchings,beatings,andshootings.Peace!
Im looking similar tootherIraqisandtreatedthesame. Gotmyroutinedownandno
more surprises.ButI still geta feelingwhenIpulluptomyhouse.Iguesstheopposite
feeling of howIfeltthatnightbeforeIwentonstagethosemonthsandmonthsago.But
nomoreofthat.Thefutureiswhatsfordinner.
After another day of work at the sandal factory, Iwalkin the houseto see the wife
kitchened,bunnedup,andaproned,makingourhousesmelllikehome.
Hey,honey.Howwastheworktoday?sheasks,tonguedArabically.
Eh,shittyasusual,Ianswer.AlsotonguedArabically.
Wegotastabledinnertable.Stillthefighting, butnotasbig.Aymonisbehavingand
toningbackdownhisclothings.Notsofunkynow.
Fork,knife,spoon,shutup.Cantstandthesilence,soIbreakit.
Aymon,howwasschooltoday?
Istillhateit.Nobodylikesmykindofmusic.Nobodyunderstandsme.
HistalkremindsmeofAurora,whowontwritemeback.
Things will get better, says the wife. You are at an awkward age. Soon you will
growabeard,andlifewillbecomelessconfusing.

Milkah might be right.Once I gotback here and regrew the beard,life did become
lessconfusing.Iwanttoaddontothesupportbyshowingmysonheisnotalone.
Dont feel bad, Aymon. I have been experiencing a similar situation at mywork. I
make mix tapes of rockmusic for peers.When Iaskthem if theylikewhat theyhear,
theypretendliketheydonthearmeorevenleavetheroom.
Aymonnods.Yeah,itslike,nobodyheregetsit,youknowwhatIamsaying?
Iknowwhatyouaresaying,Ireply.
Fine!Bothof you cangoback toAmerica withthe infidelsandgetshotat!shouts
the wife. She wont let me forget that I left a nutin America. Sherunsaway from the
table.Itrytostopher.
But,dear,Ileftitallbehindtobewithyou!DearAhh,screwit.
This happens every once in a few, usually when we talk about U.S.A. things. She
getsoveritafterafewminutesofalonetime.AymonandIkeepeating.
Father,doyoumissAmerica?
Ithinkfatherilywiththoughtbeforeanswering.
I missmy friends. But theywere notyourtypical Americans. Theydidnt shoot me.
DoyoumissAmerica?
Yes.Imissplayingmusicwithmyfriends.
Metoo.
I write these friends ofmine butnevergetwrittenbackto.Idontunderstand.Maybe
they think I shouldve stayed. But what I had to doI hadto do I had todo.Afterwhat
happened, Milkah felt for me. She was willing to takemeback. Iknewitwas timeto
return. Besides, the way things were heading, the band could be no more with or
withoutaRayFuquay.
And I miss the girls who were allowed to wear such slutty clothes, continues
Aymon.
Oh, yes!Sluttyclothes!Ididntwanttoshowhimthis,but Icantresist.Iraiseupmy
boring creamcolored shirt to reveal my Budweiser haltertop underneath. Dont tell
yourmother!
Iwont.Heisproudofme.Icanseeitinhiseyebrows.
Ooh! Do you know what else I miss? I ask. The language. Iwas just getting the
hangofitbeforeIleft.
Im going to do something I havent done in a very long while. Im going toswitch
backtoEnglish.

IwonderifIcanstillspeakEnglish.
Youcan!saysAymoninEnglish.Hey!Icantoo!
Irememberwhen Luster washelping mewith English. He saidthe worst mistakeI
could make in speaking the language was starting a sentence withwhat was it?
AhyesWithallduerespectorCouldyoudomeafavor?
Wesharelaughter.
IwishIcouldvemetyourfriends,saysAymon.
Idotoo.
My wife reminds us this is an Arabic household when she shrieks from her
bedroom,WhatsthatIhearyouspeakinginthere?!
Nothing,dear!Comeandeatwithus!IsayArabically.
I hear hercoming back, butI needto say alittlemoreEnglishtomyson.Iknowthis
will be the last time I get to speak the crazy language for a while.So Itryto make it
somethinggood.Ileaninclosertohimandwhisper.
Remember, you can always think in English. No one would ever know. Besides,
nobodyeversaysthewordsintheirheadsanyway.

Grandmother
I hope where Ember is theyll let her watch the TV. She would be so proud of me.
Jenny Jones was always her favorite. She always said she lovedtohate the people
thatcameonthere,butsurely she wouldnt feelthat wayaboutme.Lusterwouldntbe
proudof me, though. Heused tosaythat for the average Kentuckian,appearingona
talk show is the summit of human potential. I guess its downhill for me from here on
out.
The first segment went fairly well. I wish they wouldnt have booed Chuck, but Im
thinking the flashingsignuptheretoldthemto.Jenny(orJennyswriters,Ireckon)kind
of made him out tobesometypeof villain taking advantageof a sweetlittle oldlady.
Dumbasses. Then they brought out Chucks daughter from his first marriage. She
bitchedat both of us,sayinghowabnormalourrelationshipwas.ButItoldhershehad
bettershut the fuckuporkiss myassone,cause were takingcareofherbabywhile
shesscrewingaroundinjuniorhigh.
ThecommercialbreakendsandJennygetshercue.
Hi.Wereback talkingto Chuck and Opal, a newlywed couplewhoclaimtohavea
deep love for each other despite the fact that hes twentynine and shes eightyone.
Wehavetimeforafewquestionsfromtheaudience.
Shegoesovertoholdthemicrophonetothebigmouthofabigwoman.
Thisquestiongoestothelonghaired,beardeddude.
ThatsChuck,saysJenny.
Right. This question is for Chuck. Get a life. Shes not active like you are. Get
someoneelse.

I say,ByGod, listenhere, you bigpopoedhoochie,butChuckgrabsmythighwith

authorityandinterruptsmybutt.
Let me tell you something, she is active. I have loved a whole lot o women, but
there aint nothin like ridindownthe highwayabout90miles anhourwith this woman
onthebackofmyscooter.
The audience laughs, and Chuck takes my hand and gives it a lovesqueeze.The
nextquestioncomesfromabigfatblacklady.
ThisquestionisalsoforChuck.Thatistheonlymotheryoureevergonnahave.You
shouldloveyourmother.
That doesnt apply at all to this situation, says Jenny. Opal and Chuck are
husbandandwife.
Oh,well,inthatcase,youshoulddatepeopleyourownage.Thatsjustweird.
Heynow!saysChuck,butthistimetheresnostoppingme.Iinterrupthim.
Listen, woman. Eat me, and while youre at it, eat shit and die, fuckwad. The
censorsaregonnahavetobeepthefuckoutofme.
Secondly,theresno pleasing youpeople. All mylifepeoplehavebeenaskingme,
Whydontyougetmarried?,Whydoyouwanttobe anoldmaid?,Whydoyouhave
so many sex toys in your old age? Well, here I am. Ive finally settled down and
married.I evengot a granddaughter I takecareof forthatlittle slut.IpointtoChucks
daughter,Cheyenne.
Sure Chucks young, and Im old, but is it impossible for yall to believe that we
could be happy?Inallthatshappenedinthisworld,couldnt somethingaslittleasthat
be possible? Cant yall getpastit?Well, if you cant, yalljustwait til yourethisold,
andyoullbepasteverything.Besides,lookathim.Canyoublameme?
Chuck instinctively knows that hes been cued to stand up andshake his fanny for
the crowd. Hes got on his paintedon jeans, Metallica Tshirt, and a blue jean vest,
andtheladiesyellWoo!whentheycatchaglimpseofhisperfectduff.
Thataintforyall,hesays.Thatsforher.Thatsallhers.
SoOpal,isChuckjustasexobjecttoyou?asksJenny.
Morelikeshes my sex object,saysChuck.After theaudience isdonegroaning,I
answerJennysquestion.
No, Jenny. I mean, sure, he rattles my bones and hes got a great backside, but
hesmorethanjustasexobject.Heskindoflikemysavior.

Acknowledgments
ThesearethepeopleIwillneverbeabletothankenough:
My mother,Nancy, and my sister, CeCe, whoknow me better thananyoneeverwill
andstillloveme.Iwantyoubothtobehappymorethananything.
Pat Walsh, who has taken the risk ofbelievingin me, aswell as David Poindexter
andeveryoneelsewhoplaysontheMacAdam/Cagesoftballteamwithme.
Michael Bruner, the Dillinghams, the Walkers, and Rene and John for the love,
generosity,andencouragementtheyveshownmyfamilyandmeforsolong.
All of my teachers, especially those English teachers by the names of Craig
Barrette,DavidBartholomy,VickiCombs,EllenDuganBarrette,andSusieThurman.
And all ofthose who Igrew up within Henderson,Kentucky,whohavelaughedwith
me,andespeciallythosewhohavelaughedatme.