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%umorous
All Kiding Aside Bums--Evelyn Bums--Mary Bus Stop Coupla Chicks
Courtship 'dentity crisis Diary Adam/Eve Diviners ortin!ras
"ouse o# Blue $v %reater &una 'akes (omen-Ma 'akes (omen-Ka $oss o# )oses
Killdeer $ast o# $overs $uv Marriage Bet/!oo Mary* Mary
Miss irecracker More #un Bo+ling,aomi $iving )m Missing Marisa -ne Sunday
.lay it again* Sam .rimary English Sister Mary-Sis Slo+ Dance Anton in Sho+
Stanton's %arage Starspangled %irl Sylvia /anities
$aundry 0
Bour!on 12
,othing
!ut,onsense 12
,othing !ut
,onsense 13
Couple (hite
Chicks
Criminal "earts
12
&he oreigner
$earning to Drive Audition is -ver
Criminal "earts
13
&riplet* the !ride 'akes (omen
inal Dress
)ehearsal
Come Blo+ 4our
"orn
Bedroom arce
,ice .eople
Dancing %ood
Country Music3
Couple (hite
Chicks 3
Cleopatra* on
Suicide
$aundry 0
Bour!on 13
.la5a Suite--
,orma 12
.la5a Suite--
,orma 13
Delicate Balance
Catholic
Schoolgirls 13
-h Dad* .oor
Dad*
Butter#lies are
ree
Schoolhouse
)ock/Conspiracy
&heory
Dramatic
Agnes o# %od All the +ay home Anne o# 2666 dayBad Seed Brighton Beach
Brd+ay Bound Cat on &in )oo# 2
Cat on &in )oo#
3
Catholic School Central .k (est
Crimes the "rt 2 Crimes the "rt 3 Cruci!le Dark top Stairs Diary Anne rank
ather's Day %amma )ays 2 7 ,ever Sang Dad
7 ought to !e in
pic
$emon Sky
7'm a Stranger 7ndependence 7nvisi!le riends Kennedy's Child ,ice .eople Danc
$ettice 0
$ovage
$ittle o8es $ost in 4onkers 'night mother Seascape
-ur &o+n -utrageous .icnic -ut o# ather's )oosters
She (as $ost Sign in Sidney Sister Mary-Di Stage Door
&o Be 4oung
%i#ted Blk
Streetcar 12 Streetcar 13 Summertree &aken in Marriag &+o #or Seesa+
&he %uest
&each Me "o+ to
Cry 12
)ashoman &he ,ecklace She +as $ost
A &antali5ing
&each Me "o+ to
Cry 13
Seascape Sharks
0Dancers
Dog Eat Dog
Come Back $ittle
She!a
7mpromptu Don't $ook Do+n %etting -ut /oices--Kate /oices--%race
Chicago--)o8y
"art
Dancing +/Devil--
4oung +oman
$aundry 0
Bour!on 19
"aiku--,ell
,ever Been Kissed-
movie
$ily Dale
&hey Shoot at
(omen :&/;
Sisterhood o#
&raveling .ants
<uilters Annie <uilters 3
<uilters 9 <uilters = ,uts
-h Dad* .oor
Dad

$lassic &onologues (pre '()*)
$+$, %-.- /0. 1%- $0&2+-1- W0.,3 0/ W++A&
3%A,-32-A.-
A4+ 5 As 4ou +ike t &06 5 &erchant of 6enice
. 7 8 5 .omeo 7 8uliet &AA9 5 &uch Ado About nothing
&9D 5 A &idsummer's 9ight Dream
A4$7 )os 9-3 A4$7 )os >-3
A4$7 >-= )os
Ep
A4$7 .he!e 9-
>
A4$7 .he 13
9->
M-/ .ort 2-2
M-/ .or 9-3 M-/ .or =-2 M,D airy 3-2
M,D "el12/2-
2
M,D "el 13 3-
3
M,D "er 12 9-
3
M,D"el 19
9-3
MAA, Bea 3-
2
)0 ' 'ul 3-3 (hite Devil Doll's "ouse 7deal "us!and
"amlet-
-phelia
.syche
&he Miser--
rosine
Midsummer's (hite $iars &he Seagull
&onologues not from scripts::appropriate for theatre one
Amanda Amy's /ie+ Annie Arcata .romise Bar!ara Betty
Brianne Cindy Darlene Doll's $i#e Ellen elicia
'ill Kate $ove is a .lace Marcie Mary )ose
Sharon Shirley Sophistry &he Audition ?n+edded /ictoria
Strange Sno+ Dra+ the $ine
%oing to
e8tremes
%ossip 7t's not you
Kill our love
li#e
Karen
$ook at
4oursel#
$ove .ill
Magnetic
.erson
Making
Scenes
Migraines
Mr@ ?niverse %ood Behavior
Meticulous
.erson
Mother's Day
Modern Day
Manners
-ne Moment
-nly Ketchup Sense o# Seductive Betrayal -utcast DelinAuent
"umor
Ashley
.icture o#
.er#ection
Ditched "ello )ick Ale8is
.hone Cra5y
:comedy;
&he Divorce Emily--drama
"allmark
"oliday
:comedy;
)eal :drama;
Con#used
&een
:humorous;
(rong and
)eady
&he irst Day
Driver's
$icense is
.iece o# Cake

A;9-3 0/ ;0D
!y 'ohn .ielmeier
A%,ES
(here do !a!ies come #romB (ell* 7 think they come #rom +hen an angel lights on their
mother's chest and +hispers into her ear@ &hat makes good !a!ies start to gro+@ Bad !a!ies
come +hen a #allen angels sAuee5es in do+n there@ 7 don't kno+ +here good !a!ies come out@
:Silence; And you can't tell the di##erence e8cept that !ad !a!ies cry a lot and make their
#athers go a+ay and their mothers get very ill and die sometimes@ Mummy +asn't very happy
+hen she died and 7 think she +ent to hell !ecause every time 7 see her she looks like she Cust
stepped out o# a hot sho+er@ And 7'm never sure i# it's her or the $ady +ho tells me things@
&hey #ight over me all the time@ &he $ady 7 sa+ +hen 7 +as ten@ 7 +as lying on the grass
looking at the sun and the sun !ecame a cloud and the cloud !ecame the $ady* and she told
me she +ould talk to me and then her #eet !egan to !leed and 7 sa+ there +ere holes in her
hands and in her side and 7 tried to catch the !lood as it #ell #rom the sky !ut 7 couldn't see any
more !ecause my eyes hurt !ecause there +ere !ig !lack spots in #rom o# them@ And she tells
me things like--right no+ she's crying* DMarie* MarieED !ut 7 don't kno+ +hat she means@ And
she uses me to sing@ 7t's as i# she's thro+ing a !ig hook under my ri!s and tries to pull me up
!ut 7 can't move !ecause Mummy is holding my #eet and all 7 can do is sing in her voice* it's
the $ady's voice* %od loves youE :silence; %od loves you@ :silence; 7 don't eat !ecause 7 have
!een commanded !y %od@ 7'm getting #at* there's too much #lesh on me@ 7 have to !e attractive
to %od@ "e hates #at people@ 7t's a sin to !e #at@ $ook at all the statues@ &hey're thin@ &hat's
!ecause they're su##ering@ Su##ering is !eauti#ul@ 7 +ant to !e !eauti#ul@ Christ said it in the
Bi!le@ "e said* DSu##er the little children* #or o# such is the Kingdom o# "eaven@D 7 +ant to
su##er like a little child@ 7 am a little child* !ut my !ody keeps getting !igger@ 7 don't +ant it to
get !igger !ecause then 7 +on't !e a!le to #it in@ 7 +on't !e a!le to sAuee5e into "eaven@ 7'm
too #atE $ook at this--7'm a !limpE %od !le+ up the "indend!urg@ "e'll !lo+ up me@ &hat's
+hat Mummy said@ But i# 7 stay little* it +on't happen@ She says %od presents us to our
mothers in !undles o# eight pounds si8 ounces@ 7 have to !e eight pounds again@ 7'm !eing
punished@ 7 don't kno+ +hy@ :she holds out her hand* !leeding; 7t started this morning* and 7
can't get it to stop@ (hy meB (hy meB
back to top
A++ ,DD9; A3D-
!y Charles 'ohnson
3cotty
(elcome to the sho+@ My name is Scotty Devlin@ 7 kno+ +hat youFre all thinkingG "o+
come she has a !oyFs nameB Actually my real name is "eidi@ But 7 had to change it +hen 7
lost my virginity@ Everyone named "eidi must change their name +hen they lose their
virginity@ &hatFs the rule@ $ook at these girls over here all rustling through their programs@
4ouFre all "eidis* rightB Sorry@ Am 7 em!arrassed or +hatB Actually* 7 lied to you@ Scotty is
my real name@ 4ou see* +hen 7 +as !orn the doctor +as either #ar-sighted or a prankster*
!ecause as 7 popped out* 7 remem!er it vividly* he declared DitFs a !oy@D 7n #act* 7 +as a !oy
until my mother changed my diapers #or the #irst time@ Can you imagine their surprise@ My
mother #ainted@ My #ather Cust stared* Dhe canFt !e my !oy@D 7 +as in stitches@&hey tried
calling me 'udy #or a +hile !ut 7 Cust +ouldnFt respond@ (ould you haveB &hereFs a "eidi
nodding her head@ -h* !y the +ay* the part a!out all "eidis having to change their names
+hen they lose their virginity* 7 didnFt lie a!out hat@ &hat is a kno+n #act@ 4es* itFs true@ &hink
a!out it@ "o+ many gro+n +omen do you kno+ named "eidiB All the "eidis 7 kno+ are
a!out H years old +ith long !lond !raids do+n their !acks@ &hey all +ear pink dirndls +ith
little +hite aprons@ And are surrounded !y goats@ &hey skip their +ay into high school* getting
AFs in "ome Ec@ &hen one day* pro!a!ly on their 32st !irthday- +ham- /eronica* 4vonne*
Desiree@ &his is a!solutely true* 7 promise you@ 4ouFve never heard o# a child !eing called
4vonne* have youB 7# 7 had !een called 'udy* 7Fd have to change my name +hen 7 stopped
+earing !angs@ "ave you ever met a seventy year old +oman named 'udyB 7t sounds like she
should !e che+ing gum and skipping rope@7Fm not making this up@ )ight !e#ore middle age
sets in* Cindys !ecome "arriet* or Beatrice* they have that option@ All (endyFs die at pu!erty@
)egretta!le* !ut necessary@ 7 sort o# like !eing called Scotty* !esides itFs !etter than my
middle name- Doug@ $ook* 7 gotta run@ But !e#ore 7 go* 7 Cust +ant to say that 7 hope all the
guys +ho are sitting here tonight +ith a girl named "eidi* +ake up tomorro+ morning +ith a
Desiree@
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A++ 1%- WA4 %0&-
!y &ad Mosel
MA)4
(hy don't they all leaveB 4ou too* "annah@ or 7 am not going to the #uneral@ 4ou +ere right*
"annah@ %od is coming harder to me no+@ And 'ay* tooE 7 can't seem to #ind either one o#
them@ (hatever made 'ay do it* everE &he night +e moved into this house* +here did he goE
And +hen he #irst +ent to +ork in .apa's o##ice--E :stopping* remem!ering more so#tly; ,ot
+hen )u#us +as !orn* though@ "e +as very dearly close to me then* very@ But other times*
he'd #eel himsel# !eing closed in* +atched !y superinten-dents* he'd say* and--&here +as
al+ays a special Auietness a!out him a#ter+ards* +hen he came home* as i# he +ere very #ar
a+ay #rom +here he'd !een* !ut very #ar a+ay #rom me* too* keeping his distance* !ut
+orking his +ay !ack@ ,o* 7'm not going to the #uneral@ Do you think he'll rest simply !y
lo+ering him into the groundB 7 +on't +atch it@ "o+ can he rest +hen he +as lost on the very
day he diedE &hat's Cust +hat 7 don't kno+* i# he +as lost* or drunk or +hat@ 7 never kne+@ ,ot
#or sure@ &here +ere times +e all kne+ a!out* o# course* !ut there +ere other times +hen it
+asn't al+ays the +hiskey@ "e'd !e gone #or a night* or a day* or even t+o* and 7'd kno+ he
hadn't' touched a drop@ And it +asn't any o# the other things that come to a +oman's mind*
either* in case you're thinking that@ &hose are easy enemies@ 7t +as Market SAuare@ And
talking to country people a!out country secrets that go +ay !ack through the mountains@ And
anyone +ho'd sing his old songs +ith him@ -r all-night lunch rooms* and even Charlie
Chaplin@ (hat's +rong +ith Charlie* he'd ask me* not !ecause he didn't kno+ +hat 7'd say* !ut
to make me say it@ "e's so nasty* 7'd say* so vulgar* +ith his nasty little cane* looking up skirts@
And 'ay +ould laugh and go o## to see Charlie Chaplin and not come home@ (here he +ent* 7
can't even imagine* #or he'd never tell me@ 7t +as al+ays easier to put everything do+n to
+hiskey@ (hy couldn't 7 let him have those things* +hatever they +ere* i# they meant
something to himB (hy can't 7 let him have them no+B 7'm glad )alph didn't tell me i# 'ay
+ere drunk +hen he +as killed@ 7 must Cust accept not kno+ing* mustn't 7B 7 must let 'ay have
+hat 7 don't kno+@ (hat i# he +as drunkB (hat in the +orld i# he +asB Did 7 honestly think
that +as a gul#@ &his is a gul#E 7# he +as drunk* "annah* Cust i# he +as* 7 hope he loved !eing@
Speeding along in the night--singing at the top o# his lungs--racing !ecause he loved to go
#ast--racing to us !ecause he loved us@ And #or the time* enCoying--revelling in a #reedom that
+as his* that no place or person* that nothing in this +orld could ever give him or take a+ay
#rom him@ $et's hope that's ho+ it +as* ho+ he looked death itsel# in the #ace@ 7n his strength@
&hat's +hat +e'll put on the gravestone@ 7n his strength@
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A99- 0/ 1%- 1%0<3A9D DA43
Ma8+ell Anderson
Anne
(ill you give !ack +hat you stole #rom the monasteries* and the men e8ecutedB (ill you
resume +ith )omeB (hen you do that 7Ill take your +ord again* But you +onIt do it@ And
+hat you truly +antJ you may not kno+ it= 7s a #resh* #rail* innocent maid +hoIll make
you #eel #resh and innocent again* and young againK 'ane Seymour is the name@ 7t could !e
anyone@ -nly virginal and s+eet@ And +hen youIve had her youIll +ant someone else@
Mean+hile* to get her* youIll murder i# you must@ (Lashinq out@; Be#ore you go* perhaps 4ou
should hear one thingJ 7 lied to you@ 7 loved you* !ut 7 lied to youE 7 +as untrueE ?ntrue +ith
manyE 4ou may think this is a lie@ But is itB &ake it to your graveE Believe itE 7 +as untrueE
-nly +hat 7 take to my grave you take to yoursE (ith manyE ,ot +ith oneE ManyE 7Ive never
thought +hat it +as like to die@ &o !ecome meat that rots@ &hen #ood #or shru!s* and the long
roots o# vines@ &he grape could reach me@ 7 may make him drunk !e#ore many years@ Some
one told me the story o# the homely daughter o# Sir &homas More* clim!ing at night up the
trestles o# $ondon Bridge +here theyId stuck her #atherIs head on a spike* and hunting
among the stinking and !loody heads* o# criminals* still she #ound her #atherIs head* his !eard
matted and hard +ith !lood@ And clim!ing do+n +ith it* and taking it home@ &o !ury in the
garden* perhaps@ (ould they #78 my head up on $ondon BridgeB ,o@ Even "enry +ould
o!Cect to that@ 7Ive !een his Aueen@ "eIs kissed my lips@ "e +ouldnIt +ant it. 7Ill lie in lead
Jor !rass@ Meat@ Dead meat@ But i# my head +ere on the Bridge he +ouldnIt clim! to take it
do+n@ ,o!odyId clim! #or me@ 7 could stay and #ace up the river* and my long hair !lo+ out
and tangle round the spikesJand my small neck@ &ill the sea !irds took me* and there +as
nothing !ut a +isp o# hair and a cup o# !one@ 7 must think o# something to say +hen the time
comes@ 7# 7 could say itJ+ith the a8e edge to+ard me* Could 7 do it> Could 7 lay my head
do+nJ and smile* and speakB &ill the !lo+ comesB &hey say itIs su!tle@ 7t doesnIt hurt@
&hereIs no time@ ,o time@ &hatIs the end o# time@ %o your +ay* and 7Ill go mine@ 4ou to
your death* and 7 to my e8piation@ or there is such a thing as e8piation@ 7t involves dying to
live@ Death is a thing the coroner can see@ 7Ill stick !y that@ A coroner +ouldnIt kno+ you
died young* "enry@ And yet you did@
back to top
A9109 9 3%0W ?<39-33
By 'ane Martin
Casey
So* the casting agent says to me* D4ou're not right #or itK you're a character +oman@D 7 die@ My
!lood congeals@ issures appear@ 7t's the actresses' death knell@ 7 go through menopause in #ive
seconds@ All #luids dry@ 7 !ecome the MoCave Desert@ Character +omanE 7* +ho have scre+ed
every leading man on the East Coast* !ecome their mother@ /ertigo@ 7 scream out in a silent*
un attending universeL D7'm too young to !e a character +omanED and the echo replies* rolling
out o# in#inite spaceL D&hey +ant to see you #or the #unny aunt at the +eddingED (She ritually
disembowels herself) Bad day@ 7 once !elieved 7 could !e very good@ 7 +anted to !e so
concentrated* so compressed* so vivid and present and skill#ul and heart#elt that any- one
+atching me +ould literally !urst into #lame@ Com!ust@ 7 never did it@ 7t never happened@ 7
used to think that theatre could change people's lives@ &he truth is* t+o months later the
audience can't remem!er the name o# the play@ 7 mean* honestly* has any!ody you kno+ to !e
a sentient !eing ever +alked up to you and said the play changed their li#eB ,o* #ine* okay@
You kno+ +ho is changed !y ChekhovB Me@ 7 #inish a play* it's like* D%et me an e8orcistED "e
eats my li#e@ "e che+s me up@ "e spits me out@ 7'm like !leeding #rom Chekhov@ &he
audienceB (ho kno+s +hat their deal isB &hey come #rom the mistsK they return to the mist@
&hey cough* they snee5e* they sleep* they un+rap little hard candies* and then they head #or
their cars during the curtain call@ And once* once 7 +ould like to step out and say to the ones
+ho are up the aisles +hile +e take the !o+s* D"eyE E8cuse meE Could you sho+ a little
mercy !ecause 7 Cust le#t it all out here on the stage and even i# you don't have the #oggiest
notion +hat it +as or +hat it meant* could you have the common courtesy to leave your
goddamn cars in the garage #or another #orty seconds and give me a little hand #or t+enty
years o# +orkED
back to top

1%- ?AD 3--D
Ma8+ell Anderson
Mrs. Daigle
&hanks@ 7Fm Mrs Daigle@ 4ou didnFt have to let me in* you kno+@ 7Fm a little drunk@ 7 guess
you never get a little drunk@ ,o+* you* Mrs@ .enmark@ 4ouFve al+ays had plenty@ 4ouFre a
superior person@ -h yes* your #ather +as rich@ )ich )ichard Bravo@ 7 kno+@ Me* 7 +orked in a
!eauty parlor@ Miss ern used to come there@ She looks do+n on me@ 7 +as that #rumpy
!londe@ ,o+ 7Fve lost my !oy and 7Fm a lush@ Every!ody kno+s it@ But 7 kno+ +hat 7Fm
a!out Cust the same@ 'ust the same@ May 7 call you ChristineB 7Fm Auite a+are that you come
#rom a higher level o# society@ 4ou prolly made a de!ut and all that@ 7 al+ays considered
Christine such a genteel name@ "ortense sounds #latJthatFs me* "ortense@ DMy girl*
"ortense*D thatFs +hat hey used to sing at me* DhasnFt got much sense@ $etFs +rite her name
on the privy #ence@D Children can !e nasty* donFt you thinkB 4ouFre so attractive Christine@
4ou have such e8Auisite taste in clothes* !ut o# course you have amples o# money to !uy Mem
+ith@ (hat 7 came to see you a!out* 7 asked Miss ern ho+ did Claude happen to lose the
medal* and she +ouldnFt tell me a thing@ 4ou kno+ more than youFre telling@ 4ouFre a sly one
J!ecause o# the school@ 4ou donFt +ant the school to get a !ad name@ But you kno+ more
than youFre telling* Miss Butter-(ouldnFt-Melt ern@ &hereFs something #unny a!out the
+hole thing@ 7Fve said so over and over to Mr@ Daigle@ )est@ Sleep@ (hen you canFt sleep at
night* you canFt sleep in the daylight@ 7 lie and look at the +ater +here he +ent do+n@ &hereFs
something #unny a!out the +hole thing* Christine@ 7 heard that your little girl +as the last one
+ho sa+ him alive@ (ill you ask her a!out the last #e+ minutes and tell me +hat she saysB
May!e she remem!ers some little thing@ 7 donFt care ho+ small it isE ,o matter ho+ smallE
-h* my poor little ClaudeE (hat did they do to youB Some!ody took the medal o## his shirt*
Christine@ 7t couldnFt come o## !y accident@ 7 pinned it on mysel#* and it had a clasp that locks
in place@ 7t +as no accident@ "e +as such a lovely* dear little !oy@ "e said 7 +as his
s+eetheart@ "e said he +as going to marry me +hen he gre+ up@ 7 used to laugh and say*
D4ouFll #orget me long !e#ore then@ 4ouFll #ind a prettier girl* and youFll marry her@D And you
kno+ +hat he said thenB "e said* D,o* 7 +onFt* !ecause thereFs not a prettier girl in the +hole
+orld than you are@D (hy do you put your arms around meB 4ou donFt give a damn a!out me@
4ouFre a superior person and all that* and 7FmJoh* %od #orgive meE &here +ere those !ruises
on his hands* and that peculiar crescent-shaped mark on his #orehead that the undertaker
covered up@ "e must have !led !e#ore he died@ &hatFsFs +hat the doctor said@ And +hereFs the
medalB (ho took the medalB 7 have a right to kno+ +hat !ecame to the penmanship medalE 7#
7 kne+* 7Fd have a good idea +hat happened to him@ 7 donFtK kno+ h+y you took it on yoursel#
to put your arms around me@ 7Fm as good as you are@ And Claude +as !etter than your girl@ "e
+on the medal* and she didnFtJ7Fm drunk@ 7tFs a pleasure to stay drunk +hen your little !oyFs
!een killed@
back to top
?.;%109 ?-A$% &-&0.3
!y ,eil Simon
BLANCHE
7Fm not going to let you hurt me* ,ora@ 7Fm not going to let you tell me that 7 don't love you or that 7 haven't tried to give you as much as 7
gave $aurieG %od kno+s 7Fm not per#ect !ecause enough angry people in this house told me so tonightG !ut 7 am not going to !e a
doormat #or all the #rustration and unhappiness that you or Aunt Kate or anyone else +ants to lay at my #eetG 7 did not create this
?niverse@ 7 do not decide +ho lives and dies* or +hoFs rich or poor or +ho #eels loved and +ho #eels deprived@ 7# you #eel cheated that 7 had
a hus!and +ho died at thirty-si8@ And i# you keep on #eeling that +ay* youFll end up like meG +ith something much +orse than loneliness
or helplessness and thatFs sel#-pity@ Believe me* there is no leg thatFs t+isted or !ent that is more crippling than a human !eing +ho thrives
on his o+n mis#ortunesG 7 am sorry* ,ora* that you #eel unloved and 7 +ill do everything 7 can to change it e8cept apologi5e #or it@ 7 am
tired o# apologi5ing@ A#ter a +hile it !ecomes your li#eFs +ork and it doesnFt !ring any money into the houseG i# itFs taken you pain and
Aunt KateFs anger to get me to start living again* then %od +ill give me the strength to make it up to you* !ut H7 +ill not go !ack to !eing
that #rightened* helpless +oman that 7 createdE@@ 7Fve already !uried someone 7 love@ ,o+ its time to !ury someone 7 hate@

back to top

?.0ADWA4 ?0<9D
!y ,eil Simon
KA!
(hat do 7 +ant to doB 7s that ho+ it +orksB 4ou have an a##air* and 7 get the choice o#
#orgetting a!out it or living alone #or the rest o# my li#eB@@@7tFs so simple #or you* isnFt itB 7 am
so angry@ 7 am so hurt !y your sel#ishness@ 4ou !reak +hat +as good !et+een us and leave
me to pick up the pieces@@@and still you continue to lie to me@ 7 kne+ a!out that +oman a year
ago@ 7 got a phone call #rom a #riend@ 7 +onFt even tell you +ho@@@D(hatFs going on +ith you
and 'ackBD she asks me@ DAre you t+o still togetherB (hoFs this +oman heFs having lunch
+ith every dayBD She asks me@@@7 said* DDid you see them togetherBD **She said* D,o* !ut 7
heard@D@@@7 said* DdonFt !elieve +hat you hear@ Believe +hat you seeED and 7 hung up on
her@@@Did 7 do good* 'ackB Did 7 de#end my hus!and like a good +i#eB@@@A year 7 lived +it that*
hoping to %od it +asnFt true* and i# it +as* praying it +ould go a+ay@@@and %od +as good to
me@ ,- more phone calls* no more stories a!out 'ack and his lunch partner@@@no more
+ondering +hy you +ere coming home late #rom +ork even +hen it +asnFt !usy
season@@@until this morning@ %uess +ho calls meB@@@%uess +ho 'ack +as having lunch +ith in
the same restaurant t+ice last +eekB@@@ $ast yearF lies donFt hold up this year* 'ack@@@&his year
you have to deal +ith it
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?<&3
!y )o!ert Sha##ron
!"elyn
7 donIt kno+ +hen 7 stopped living my li#e and my li#e started living me@ (A beat.) My
mother +as a Christian@ A Bi!le slamming* #ire and !rimstone* halleluhCah Christian@ 7
remem!er the day the night o# her conversion@ 7 +as sleeping@ She tore into the
apartment 7 slept on the couch and she +as out o# !reath* and her hair +as* +ell* some
o# it had slipped out #rom under the elastic !and she al+ays had it pulled !ack in@ And she ran
around the room turning on all the lamps* and she turned on the light in the little hal#-kitchen*
and she turned on the lights in her !edroom and le#t the door open so the light came into
theliving room +here 7 +as sleeping@ 7 sat up* 7 +as scratching and trying to straighten the
crumpled sheets under me +ith my eyes closed the lights +ere so !right and 7 asked her* DMa
+hy are you turning all the lights on like that it hurts my eyes@D And she rushed over to me
and she pulled me o## the couch onto the #loor and said* DEvelyn* +eIre gonna get do+n on
our knees and pray@ 7n the light@ And +eIre gonna pray to the $ord that +e may al+ays live in
the light@ &he clean* pure holy light that #alls do+n on us #rom the good $ord in heaven@D
(eId never prayed in our lives@ 7 didnIt even kno+ +hat praying +as* really@ 7 kne+ people
prayed in church@ 7Id seen pictures o# churches* and they al+ays looked !eauti#ul and scary
+ith the colored lights all coming through the stained glass +indo+s and shiny +ood !enches
and gigantic stone arches* and 7 +ondered ho+ in hell +e +ere gonna pray in our little
apartment +ith the greasy +alls and the chipped tile #loors and !are light!ul!s scary !ut
not !eauti#ul like the churches@ (A beat.) All Mother +anted +as a man +ho +ouldnIt leave
her so she !rought %od home@ And he stayed@ Mother +ent cra5y +ith religion@ And as soon
as 7 +as old enough* 7 did the only thing 7 could think to do@ 7 got pregnant and le#t home@
Amen
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?<&3
!y )o!ert Sha##ron
Mary
MA#Y is sitting$ writing furiously in the margins of a dis%arded news&a&er. S'! suddenly
sto&s writing$ and loo(s u& at the audien%e$ sus&i%ious.)
J* lookin atBB Bastids al+ays lookin atB (hattaya lookin(hattaya lookin at me outa
the here@ Dirty !astids al+ays lookinm +ritin+anna see +hat 7 m@ Kno+ +hat 7re
lookint kno+ they their eyes so they think 7 donsides a t ya*s right@ 4a read the Bi!le*
ain the Bi!le@ &hatm +ritin hereB 7+ritin t #inished@ 7 gotta #inish it@ya dirty !astidB
(ell* 7 +rote it@ -nly it ain t got enough paper and 7 gotta +rite it on theSometimes 7 ain
)ew Yor( )ewsday. s already printed-nly #irst 7 gotta cross out all the +ords that there so
no!ody gets the Bi!le mi8ed up +ith the )ew Yor( )ewsday. (A n * L**K +, MY D#!SS
Y*+ D-#Y .AS-D - K)*/ /'A Y*+outburst.) '!Y Y*+ #Y-) )*'-) A
Y*+ SL-MY SC+M.A0 Y*+ 1+S 0! Y*+# !Y!S *+A '!#! A-)/AS L**K-)
* L**K A A2 - K)*/ /'A Y*+ /AS #Y-)+, '!#! Y*+ 0* )*
.+S-)!SS 0**0L-) '! '*LY /*#D Y*+ L*/L-3! SC+MM /#--),!!KS +,
MY D#!SS /'-L! -S)!AK-) .AS-D22 :A beat$ then ba%( to normal tone.) m
+ritin4ou kno+ +hy 7 me to@ me to@ %od the little in#ant 'esus telthe Bi!leB 4ou kno+
+hyB %od tel &hat !astid@ 4ou kno+ +hy he picked meB "e kno+s +hat 7 seen@ "e kno+s
the evil @ 7 seen the +orst evil in the +orld ands right@ 7 seen somethin7 seen@ &hat the "oly
$ord our savior 'esus Christ tells me the +ord and he +rites the "oly m a vessel o# the $ord@
4ou +anna kno+ mym a vessel@ 7Epistle through me@ 7 else@ 'ust Mary@ ?sed to !es all@
,othins Mary@ &hatll tell ya@ 7tnameB 7 atBB ilthy !astid ya +ass Mary@ (hattaya
lookinEvelyn Kantmeier@ ,o+ it s in my !ag* donchaB (anna see +hatt yaB (anna see
+hat at my !ag* +asnlookin 7 got in here@ Every!ody does@ Every!ody +ants to see@ (anna
kno+B (anna see s my !ag@ll rot in hell #irst@ ,o!ody gets in my !ag@ 7ts in hereB
4ou+hat ins sorry@ 7 +as sittins #ulla my treasures@ Man touched my !ag once@ "e7t s
presence in the%rand Central Station 7 like it there you can #eel the $ord the Bi!le +ith my
special !ag do+n !et+een my there +ritinm sittinechoes@ 7 scumsucker !astid#eet 7 keep
the handle +rapped around my leg so no stinkin ms precious@ 7can steal it Mcause every!ody
+ants it@ (ants to possess it it m the an eye out #or evil J 7 and keepin right on that
!ench +ritinsittin over thingss guardian o# evil@ 7 keep an eye out +hen %od is
+atchin"oly $ord J !astid comes up tries to touch my !ag@ Musta !eenover in 7taly or
somethin cra5y is the only thing 7 can #igure@ But 7 got him@ i8ed the cra5y son o# a ll
never!itch good@ .ut a curse on him@ -rdained his hands to #all o##@ "e touch another !ag
again@ Eye #or an eye@ 7 +rote that@ :A beat.) tDon t ever touch my !ag@ &hou shalt not lay a
rotten #inger ontouch my !ag@ 4ou don s a commandment@my !ag and that (A beat.) s in
my4ou +anna kno+ +hat !agB "uhB 4ou +annaB Sacraments@ "oly sacraments and
treasures and some sacred relics@ And some cigarettes@ (A beat.) ll sho+ ya@ But only
i#Airight@ 7 in here@ But you +ill@s eyes not to covet nothinyou s+ear on the holy mother s
holy@ll covet it all@ 7t4ou (S'! &ulls out an old %ardigan sweater with &earls or sequins on
it. -ts wrin(led and dirty.) s sacred"ere@ &his here t itvestments@ 'esus +ore this at the $ast
Supper@ &hen he gave it to me@ 7sn !eauti#ulB (S'! sha(es it so the sequins %at%h the light.) 7t
glo+s@ s holy light@ 4ou +anna touch itB 7t heals@ 4ou +anna touch itB&hat (S'! hold it out$
then snat%hes it ba%(.) t even try@Don (S'! rummages in the bag and finds a (ey%hain with
(eys on it. S'! sha(es it.) s 'esus&his here lucky keychain@ "e !lessed this@ Sometimes it
spouts +ine@ (S'! goes ba%( into the bag$ &ulls out a %rum&led bo4 of Count Cho%ula
%ereal.) &his is the s the #lesh o# Christ@holy communion@ &his !o8 got the +a#ers that (S'!
o&ens the bo4$ &la%es a single &ie%e of %ereal on her tongue.) tAin supposed to che+ it@
%otta let it lie on your tongue and count your sins +hile it melts@ (S'! ta(es a handful of
%ereal and eats it.) t got-nly 7 ain no sins@ 7 !een puri#ied@ MSgot marshmallo+s in it@ (S'!
rummages in the bag again$ &ulling out a su%%ession of ob5e%ts$ until S'! %omes u& with a
tattered baby doll.) &his is "im@ &his is the "oly 7n#ant 'esus himsel#@ ,ot "im@ "is s loaded
+ithimage@ &he Ba!y 'esus@ My !eauti#ul* !lessed Ba!y 'esus@ &his here holy magic
spiritual po+er@ ,o one* no one can ever hold this 7n#ant ll resurrect and smite you !ut
good@'esus@ MCept me@ -ne little touch and he
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?<3 3102
!y (illiam 7nge
C'!#-!
Me!!e 7'm a sap@ 7 dunno +hy 7 don't go o## to Montana and marry Bo@ 7 might !e a lot !etter
o##'n 7 am no+@ But all he +ants is a girl to thro+ his arms around and hug and kiss* that's all@
&he resta the time* he don't even kno+ 7 e8ist@ 7 never did decide to marry him@ Everything
+as goin' #ine till he !rought up that su!Ceck@ Bo come in one night +hen 7 +as singin' D&hat
-le Black Magic@D 7t's one a my !est num!ers@ And he liked it so much* he Cumped up on a
chair and yelled like a 7ndian* and put his #ingers in his mouth and +histled like a steam
engine@ ,atur'ly* it made me #eel good@ Most a the customers at the Blue Dragon +as too
drunk to pay any attention to my songs@ Any+ay@@@7'd never seen a co+!oy !e#ore@ -h* 7'd
seen 'em in movies* a course* !ut never in the #lesh@@@Any+ay* he's so darn healthy-lookin'* 7
don't mind admittin* 7 +as attracted right #rom the start@ But it +as only +hat ya might call a
se8ual attraction@ &he very ne8t mornin'* he +akes up and hollers* D4ippeeE (e're gettin'
married@D 7 honestly thought he +as cra5y@ But +hen 7 tried to reason +ith him* he +ouldn't
listen to a +ord@ "e stayed !y my side all day long* like a shado+@ At night* a course* he had
to go !ack to the rodeo* !ut he +as !ack to the Blue Dragon as soon as the rodeo +as over* in
time #er the midnight sho+@ 7# any other #ella claimed t'have a date +ith me* Bo'd !eat him up@
"e kep tellin' me all +eek* he and /irge'd !e !y the night the rodeo ended and they'd pick me
up and +e'd all start !ack to Montana t'gether@ 7 kne+ that i# 7 +as around the Blue Dragon
that night* that's +hat'd happen@ So 7 decided to !eat it@ -ne a the other girls at the Blue
Dragon lived on a #arm 'cross the river in Kansas@ She said 7 could stay +ith her@ So 7 +ent to
the Blue Dragon last night and Cust sang #er the #irst sho+@ &hen 7 told 'em 7 +as Auittin'@@@7'd
!een +antin' to #ind another Co! any+ay@@@and 7 picked up my share o# the kitty@@@!ut darn it* 7
had to go and tell 'em 7 +as takin' the midnight !us@ &hey had to go and tell Bo* a course*
+hen he come in a li'l a#ter eleven@ "e paid 'em #ive dollars to #ind out@ So 7 +ent do+n to the
!us station and hadn't even got my ticket* +hen here come Bo and /irge@ "e Cust steps up to
the ticket +indo+ and says* D&hree tickets to MontanaED 7 din kno+ +hat to say@ &hen he
dragged me onto the !us and 7 !een on it ever since@ And some+here deep do+n inside me* 7
gotta #unny #eelin' 7'm gonna end up in Montana@
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$A1 09 A %01 19 .00/ @'
!y &ennesse (illiams
Margaret6Maggie
4es* it's too !ad !ecause you cant +ring their necks i# they've got no necks to +ringE 7sn't that
right honeyB 4ep* they're no-neck monsters* all no-neck people are monstersB :%hildren
shrie( downstairs; "ear themB "ear them screamingB 7 don't kno+ +here their voice !o8es
are located since they don't have necks@ 7 tell you 7 got so nervous at that ta!le tonight* 7
thought 7 +ould thro+ !ack my head and utter a scream you could hear across the Arkansas
!order an' parts o# $ouisiana an' &ennessee@ 7 said to our charming sister-in-la+* Mae* Dhoney*
couldn't you #eed those precious little things at a separate ta!le +ith an oilcloth coverB &hey
make such a mess an' the lace cloth looks so prettyED She made enormous eyes at me and said*
D-hhh* noooooE -n Big Daddy's !irthdayB (hy* he +ould never #orgive meED (ell* 7 +ant
you to kno+* Big Daddy hadn't !een at the ta!le t+o minutes +ith those #ive no-neck
monsters slo!!ering and drooling over their #ood !e#ore he thre+ do+n his #ork an' shouted*
Do' %od's sake* %ooper* +hy don't you put them pigs at a trough in th' kitchenBD- (ell* 7
s+ear* 7 simply could have di-ieedE &hink o# it* Brick* they've got #ive o# them and num!er si8
is coming@ &hey've !rought the +hole !unch do+n here like animals to display at a county
#air@ (hy* they have those children doin' tricks all the timeE D'unior* sho+ Big Daddy ho+
you do this* sho+ Big Daddy ho+ you do that* say your little piece #o' Big Daddy* Sister@
Sho+ you dimples* Sugar@ Brother* sho+ Big Daddy ho+ you stand on your headED- it goes
on all the time* along +ith constant little remarks and innuendos a!out the #act that you and 7
have not produced any children* are totally childless and there#ore totally uselessE- -# course
it's comical !ut its also disgusting since it so o!vious +hat they're up toE
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$A1 09 A %01 19 .00/ @A
!y &ennessee (illiams
Margaret
Brick* y'kno+* 7've !een so %od damn disgustingly poor all my li#eE- that's the truth* BrickE
Al+ays had to suck up to people 7 couldn't stand !ecause they had money and 7 +as poor as
'o!'s turkey@ 4ou don't kno+ +hat that's like@ (ell* 7'll tell you* its like you +ould #eel a
thousand miles a+ay #rom Echo SpringE- And had to get !ack to it on that !roken ankleB
+ithout a crutchE &hat's ho+ it #eels to !e as poor as 'o!'s turkey and have to suck up to
relatives that you hated !ecause they had money and all you had +as a !unch o# hand-me-
do+n clothes and a #e+ old moldy three-per-cent government !onds@ My daddy loved his
liAuor* he #ell in love +ith his liAuor the +ay you've #allen in love +ith Echo SpringE- And my
poor Mama* having to maintain some sem!lance o# social position* to keep appearances up*
on an income o# one hundred and #i#ty dollars a month on those old government !ondsE (hen
7 came out* the year that 7 made my de!ut* 7 had Cust t+o evening dressesE -ne* mother made
me #rom a pattern in /ogue* the other a hand-me-do+n #rom a snotty rich cousin 7 hatedE -
&he dress that 7 married you in +as my grandmother's +eddin' go+nB So that's +hy 7'm like a
cat on a hot tin roo#E 4ou can !e young +ithout money* !ut you can't !e old +ithout it@
4ou've got to !e old +ith money !ecause to !e old +ithout it is Cust too a+#ul* you've got to
!e one or the other* either young or +ith money* you cant !e old and +ithout it@ - &hat's the
truth* BrickB (ell* no+ 7'm dressed* 7'm all dressed* there's nothing else #or me to do@
:3orlornly$ almost fearfully; 7'm dressed* all dressed* nothing else #or me to doB :She mo"es
about restlessly$ aimlessly$ and s&ea(s$ as if to herself.; (hat am 7-B -hE-my !raceletsB :She
starts wor(ing a %olle%tion of bra%elets o"er her hands onto her wrists$ about si4 on ea%h$ as
she tal(s@; 7've thought a +hole lot a!out it and no+ 7 kno+ +hen 7 made my mistake@ 4es* 7
made a mistake +hen 7 told you the truth a!out that thing +ith Skipper@ ,ever should have
con#essed it* a #atal error* tellin' you a!out that thing +ith Skipper@
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$A1%0+$ 3$%00+;.+3
Casey Kurtti
!li7abeth
(o 0od$ as if she is in %hur%h.) "ey* come on out* 7 +ant to talk to you@ 7tIs me* Eli5a!eth@
4ou can hide !ehind any statue in this place* !ut you !etter listen to me@ 7 donIt kno+ i# you
kno+ this !ut a#ter my grandmother moved in +ith us* everything +as di##erent@ (e used to
sit in my room* a#ter school@ SheId ask me Auestions a!out all sorts o# things@ &hen sheId
listen to my ans+ers real close !ecause she said 7 +as an important person@ Some nights* a#ter
+e +ent to !ed* 7 +ould hear her talking to my grand#ather in the dark@ 7# 7 made any noise
sheId stop@ Because it +as private@ -ne night 7 sa+ that she +as crying@ 7 made some noise
and she stopped@ &hen she asked me i# 7 remem!ered my grand#ather@ 7 did* she liked that@ (e
#ell asleep on her !ed like sisters@ Sunday mornings +ere kind o# strange@ ,o!ody +ould give
up eating !acon and some smells made her sick@ My #ather +ould tell her i# the grease
!othered her so much* to take her eggs and go into the !edroom and +ait until !reak#ast +as
over@ 7 helped her stu## to+els into the cracks under the doorK !ut the smell got in any+ay@
&hen my #ather +ould make me come !ack to the ta!le and eat +ith the rest o# the #amily 7Id
go* !ut 7 +ouldnIt eat that !acon@ Sometimes* i# she +as #eeling a little !etter +eId take short
+alks@ A#ter +e had rested* sheId tell me stories a!out my mother and !ring along pictures
that 7 had never seen@ 7 didnIt kno+ +hy my mother +as so sad and neither did my
grandmother@ -ne day* my #ather came home #rom +ork and told me that my grandmother
+ould have to move !ack to the Bron8@ "e said it +as Cust not +orking out@ She needed more
care and !esides she +as making the #amily cra5y@ 7 told him that she +asnIt making me
cra5y 7 told him she let me !e near her@ "e didnIt understand that@ And no+ 7 see that you
didnIt either@ 4ou took her and 7 donIt think thatIs #air@ 4ouIre supposed to do the right
thing* all the time@ 7 donIt !elieve that anymore@ 4ou Cust like to punish people* you like to
interrupt their lives@ 4ou didnIt let me #inish@ She doesnIt kno+ +hat 7 think* and 7 +as
almost ready to tell her@ (hy donIt you take my mother ne8t timeB -h* you like to take little
kids* donIt youB %ra! one o# my !rothers ne8t* theyIre all !apti5ed@ (hy donIt you take my
+hole stinking #amily* in one shot* then you +onIt +aste any time@ &hat +ould !e some Coke@
But 7 +ant to tell you something@ 7tIs a personal message* 7Im delivering it* mysel# DonIt
you ever lay your hands on me* cause i# 7 ever see you* you can strike me dead@ @ @ try @ @ @ 7
+ill spit all over your #ace* +hatever it looks like@ Because you and everyone else in this
+orld are one !ig pack o# liars@ And 7 really think 7 hate you@ Something elseL 4ou donIt
e8ist@
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$-91.A+ 2A., W-31
!y (oody Allen
Carol
7 +onFt sit here and !e accused@ 7 am not having an a##air +ith your hus!and@ 7tIs not meE
AlrightEE 7 admit itE (hat do you +ant me to doB (e #ell in loveE 4ouIre such a !ullyE BullyE
BullyE (e #ell in love--no!ody planned it--no!ody +anted to hurt anyone@ &his a##air has
caused us nothing !ut anguish and pain@ DonIt dirty it up--itIs not +hat you think@ 7tFs not
Cust a!out se8@ Stop !eing so Cudgmental--you kno+ #rom your +ork these things happen--itIs
chemistry--t+o people meet--and a spark #lares up and suddenly it has a li#e o# its o+n@ 7tIs
serious* .hyllis@ 7tFs !een going on #or !arely three years@ (e havenIt !een sneaking around
to+n--+e have an apartment@ &he East i#ties@ 7tFs small@ -nly three rooms@ Stop !eing
snotty--+eIre trying to communicateJ 7tIs Cust a place to go to* to !e calone--to rela8--to--
to--to talkJ .hyllis* +eIre in love--oh %od--7 never thought 7Id !e saying this--itIs--
everything--yes* itIs sensual* !ut itIs more--+e share #eelings and dreams@ .hyllis* +hat do
you +ant me to sayB "e #ell out o# love +ith you years ago@ 7 donIt kno+ +hy@ Certainly not
over me@ 7t +as #inished in SamIs mind !et+een you t+o !e#ore he ever said anything to me@
7t happened ,e+ 4earIs Eve at $ou SteinIs party@ &here +as no groping@ 7t +asnIt like that@
"e came over to me--7 +as +atching the #ire+orks--and he +hispered in my ear--can you
meet me ne8t +eek #or lunch +ithout mentioning anything to .hyllis@ (ell* as you can
imagine* 7 +as a !it surprised@ 7 said* +hyB And he said 7 need your help on something@ 4ou
had led a group out onto the terrace* against their +ill* in the #ive degree temperature* to
+atch the #ire+orks@ And "o+ard +as in the kitchen getting the SteinIs recipe #or
Ba!aganoush@ And 7 said* +hat kind o# helpB (ith +hatB And Sam said* .hyllisIs !irthday is
soon and 7 +ant you to help me get her something !ut it has got to !e something special@ So
the #ollo+ing &hursday +e met #or lunch at his clu! and +e pitched some gi#t ideas !ack and
#orth@ And a#ter lunch +e +ent on our shop--7 remem!er going to Bergdor#s and &i##anyIs
and 'ames )o!inson and #inally in this tiny old antiAue store on irst Avenue +e #ound a
stunning pair o# art-deco earrings--diamonds +ith tiny ru!iesJ (ell* 7 +as #la!!ergasted@ "e
!ought them* and +e +alked out on the street and then he handed the !o8 to me and said*
D"ere* 7 +ant you so !adly@D 7 said* +hoa--+ait a minute--+e came to !uy.hyllis a !irthday
gi#t--i# 7 take this +e have to at least pick out something #or her@ 4es* +e got youFre the silver
candlesticks@@@.lease* they cost a #ortuneE .hyllis* #ace it@ "e couldnIt stand !eing married to
you anymore and he told me that over lunch--he initiated the relationship@@ he salivated over
me--he looked me in the eye at lunch and tears #ormed--7Im not happy* he saidJ so@ rom
the #irst moment "o+ard and 7 met you and Sam 7 kne+ he +as misera!le@ &his +oman is not
making him happy--7 told that to "o+ard that #irst night +e met you t+oJShe may !e a
!rilliant shrink and the center o# every conversation +ith some ne+ variation o# ho+ great she
isJ!ut sheFs not enough +oman #or himJsheFs not thre to gudie himJto !ring him co##eeN
Sam had tremendous hostilityJ!ut you kno+ that no+@ 7 did nothing +rong@ 4our hus!and
stopped loving you !e#ore he met me@ Believe me* 7 did not seduce Sam@ "e played around
plenty !e#ore 7 came on the scene@ ace up to itE Ask Edith Moss and Steve .ollackFs
secretary@ DonFt lay it all on meE 7 didnFt turn your hus!and into a philanderer@ 4ouFre such a
phoenyJpretending your marriage is so per#ectJ4ou +ere a laughing stock@
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$0<2+- 0/ W%1- $%$,3 3119; A.0<9D 1A+,9;
"i@ My name is "annah Mae Bindler@ 7 live right across there* across that little patch o# grass@
My !ack door #aces your !ack door@ 7# you sa+ someone painting our place last +eek and
#igured someone +as moving in* +ell* "oney* you +ere a hundred percent right* cause +e Cust
did@ Me and my lug Carl 'oe@ (eIre your ne+ ne8t door neigh!ors@ "o+ a!out a cup o#
co##eeB (a(es %u& out of &urse.) 7 !rought my o+n cup@ 7 donIt leave you much choice* do 7B
7# 7 +as you* 7Id #ill my cup and ask me to sit do+n@ Already +e couldnIt !e happier +ith
(estchester County and +e only hope (estchester County can !e happy +ith us@ Back home
in little olI Austin* &c8as* (estchester County is notorious #or its opulent homes* pro8imity
to the Big City* and +ives constantly messing around@ Sa+ you mo+ing your la+n last night@
7mmediately 7 !ecame intrigued@ 7 love physical activity* !ut Carl 'oe doesnIt permit me@
&hen you +ere done@ &he light goes on in your &/ room@ 4ou sit do+n* !ut you donIt turn it
on@ 4ou Cust sit there looking at the !lank screen@ D%oddang*D says me to mysel#* Dthis is one
(estchester honey +hoIs di##erent@ Must !e some kind o# uniAue thoughts #illing up her
head@D Boy* am 7 e8cited@ (hen 7 get e8cited* 7 have trou!le !reathing@ 7tIs a common
occurrence +ith people o# passion@ inally your light goes out@ 7 donIt go upstairs to Carl 'oe*
no maIam@ 7 sleep right there on the couch near the +indo+@ (hen 2 +ake up* Carl 'oeIs
already on the train to +ork* and %oddang i# my smile +asnIt !etter than ever@ &hatIs +hen 7
kne+ that little ole me had to come knock at your door and say D"iED "iE 4ouIre Cust like my
sister $ucy Sue@ Boys used to say she +as !orn to moan@ Any+ay* $ucy Sue +asnIt much o#
a talker either@ &he more you +ant her to say something* the Auieter she gets@ Standing there
like she kne+ a +hole lot o# stu## a!out you that +as +ay over your head@ -ne day 7 #igured
her out@ She didnIt have any secrets@ 'ust didnIt really trust the thoughts she did think and
+as a#raid that saying Mem out 7 +ouldnIt look up to her no more@ (,hone rings. After third
ring.) "oney* your phoneIs ringing@ Sure you got yoursel# a s+eet-looking kitchen@
Everything +here it oughta !e@ )ight out o# .etter 'omes and 0ardens. %ot to !ring Carl 'oe
!y and sho+ it to him@ (eIre remodeling and +e still havenIt landed on the right color
scheme@ (ait till you see the shoulders on Carl 'oeE A guyIs !ody ainIt supposed to mean as
much to us as ours do to them* !ut on our second date he took o## his shirt and that +as it@
Carl 'oe played tackle #or &e8as #oot!all !ack in the late 89:s and like he says*DE8cept you*
"annah Mae* everything since thenIs !een a real anti-clima8@ )eally love the lug@
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$0<.13%2
!y "orton oote
$aura
-h* my %odE &hat +orries me so@ Suppose 7 think 7Im in love +ith a man and 7 marry him
and it turns out 7Im not in love +ith him@ (A &ause.) (hat does !eing in love meanB 7 +ish 7
didnFt think so much@ 7 +ish to heaven 7 didnIt@ Everything !ad that happens to a girl 7 !egin
to +orry it +ill happen to me@ All night 7Ive !een +orrying@ .art o# the time 7Ive !een
+orrying that 7Id end an old maid like Aunt Sarah* and part o# the time 7 +orry that 7Ill #all in
love +ith someone like Syd and de#y .apa and run o## +ith him and then reali5e 7 made a
mistake and part o# the time 7 +orry@@ (A &ause.) that +hat happened to Si!yl &homas +ill
happen to me and@@ (A &ause.) could +hat happened to Si!yl &homas ever happen to youB 7
donIt mean the dying part@ 7 kno+ +e all have to die@ 7 mean the other part having a !a!y
!e#ore she +as married@ "o+ do you think it happened to herB Do you think he loved herB Do
you think it +as the only time she didB 4ou kno+@@ (A &ause.) -ld* common* Anna $andry
said in the girls room at school* she did it +henever she +anted to* +ith +homever she
+anted to and nothing ever happened to her@ And i# it did she +ould get rid o# it@ "o+ do
+omen do thatB 7 guess +eIll never kno+@ 7 donIt trust Anna $andry and 7 donIt kno+ +ho
else to ask@ Can you imagine the e8pression on MamaIs #ace* or Aunt $ucyIs or Mrs@
Cooken!ooIs i# 7 asked them something like thatB (A &ause.) Any+ay* even i# 7 kne+ 7 +ould
!e a#raid to do something like that !e#ore 7 got married #or #ear %od +ould strike me dead@ (A
&ause.) Aunt Sarah said that Si!ylIs !a!y dying +as %odIs punishment o# her sin@ Aunt $ucy
said i# %od punished sinners that +ay there +ould !e a lot o# dead !a!ies
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$.&-3 0/ 1%- %-A.1
!y Beth "enley
.A.!
7 can't tell you +hat happened right !e#ore 7 shot on account o# 7'm protecting someone@ (after
a moment) (ell* do you remem!er (illie 'ayB Cora's youngest !oyB (ell* Cora irons at my
place on (ednesdays no+* and she Cust happened to mention that (illy 'ay'd picked up this
old stray dog and that he'd gotten real #ond o# him@ But no+ they couldn't a##ord to #eed him
anymore@ So she +as gonna have to tell (illie 'ay to set him loose in the +oods@ (ell* 7 said 7
liked dogs* and i# he +anted to !ring the dog over here* 7'd take care o# him@ 4ou see* 7 +as
alone !y mysel# most o# the time 'cause the Senate +as in session and Oackery +as up in
'ackson@ So the ne8t day* (illie !rings over this skinny old dog +ith these little crossed eyes@
(ell* 7 asked (illie 'ay +hat his name +as* and he said they called him Dog@ (ell* 7 liked
the name* so 7 thought 7'd keep it@ Any+ay* +hen (illy 'ay +as leaving he gave Dog a hug
and said D%ood!ye* Dog@ 4ou're a #ine ole dog@D (ell* 7 #elt something #or him* so 7 told
(illie 'ay he could come !ack and visit +ith Dog any time he +anted* and his #ace Cust kinda
lit right up@ Anyho+* time goes on and (illie 'ay keeps coming over and over@ And +e talk
a!out Dog and ho+ #at he's getting* and then* +ell* you kno+* things start up@ $ike se8@ $ike
that@ 7 kno+ he's #i#teen and a !lack !oy@ 7 +as so lonely@ And he +as good@ -h* he +as so* so
good@ 7'd never had it that good@ (e'd al+ays go out in the garage and@@@@any+ay* +e +ere Cust
standing around on the !ack porch playing +ith Dog@ (ell* suddenly Oackery comes #rom
around the side o# the house@ And he startled me 'cause he'Ks supposed to !e a+ay at the
o##ice* and there he is coming #rom round the side o# the house@ Any+ay* he says to (illie
'ay* D"ey* !oy* +hat are you doing !ack hereBD And 7 say* D"e's not doing anything@ 4ou Cust
go on home* (illie 'ayE 4ou Cust run right on home@D (ell* !e#ore he can move* Oackery
comes up and knocks him once right across the #ace and then shoves him do+n the porch
steps* causing him to skin up his el!o+ real !ad on that hard concrete@ &hen he says* DDon't
you ever come around here again* or 7'll have them cut out your gi55ardED (ell* (illie 'ay
starts crying--these tears come streaming do+n his #ace--then he gets up real Auick and runs
a+ay* +ith Dog #ollo+ing o## a#ter him@ A#ter that* 7 don't remem!er much too clearlyK let's
see@@@7 +ent on into the living room* and 7 +ent right up to the davenport and opened the
dra+er +here +e keep the !urglar gun@@@7 took it out@ &hen 7 heard the !ack door slamming@
So 7 +aited #or Oackery to come on into the living room@ &hen 7 held out the gun and 7 pulled
the trigger* aiming #or his heart !ut getting him in the stomach@@ (after a &ause) 7t's #unny that
7 really did that@
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$.&-3 0/ 1%- %-A.1 A
!y Beth "enley
.A.!
.abe is tal(ing to her attorney$ .arnette about how she shot her husband ;as a result of
%ontinuous &hysi%al and mental abuse;..abe shot her husband after he beat a young bla%(
boy with whom she was ha"ing an affair
A#ter 7 shot Oackery* 7 put the gun do+n on the piano !ench* and then 7 +ent out into the
kitchen and made up a pitcher o# lemonade@ 7 +as dying o# thirst@ My mouth +as Cust as dry as
a !one@ 7 made it Cust the +ay 7 like it* +ith lots o# sugar and lots o# lemon- a!out ten lemons
in all@ &hen 7 added t+o trays o# ice and stirred it up +ith my +ooded stirring spoon@ &hen 7
drank three glasses* one right a#ter the other@ &hey +ere large glasses- a!out this tall@ &hen
suddenly my stomach kind o# s+ole all up@ 7 guess +hat caused it +as all that sour lemon
&hen +hat 7 did +asB 7 +iped my mouth o## +ith the !ack o# my hand* like thisB 7 did it to
clear o## all those little !eads o# +ater that had settled there@ &hen 7 called out to Oackery@ 7
said* DOackery* 7've made some lemonade@ Can you use a glassBD But he didn't ans+er@ So 7
poured him a glass any+ay and 7 took it out to him@ And there he +as* lying on the rug@ And
he +as looking up at me trying to speak +ords@ 7 said D(hatB B$emonadeBB 4ou don't +ant
itB (ould you like a Coke insteadBD &hen 7 got the idea- he +as telling me to call on the
phone #or medical help@ So 7 got on the phone and called up the hospital@ 7 gave my name and
address and 7 told them my hus!and +as shot and he +as lying on the rug and there +as
plenty o# !lood@ 7 guess that's gonna look kinda !ad@ Me #i8ing that lemonade !e#ore 7 called
the hospital@ 7 tell you* 7 think the reason 7 made up the lemonade* 7 mean !esides the #act that
my mouth +as !one dry* +as that 7 +as a#raid to call the authorities@ 7 +as a#raid@ 7 - 7 really
think 7 +as a#raid they +ould see that 7 had tried to shoot Oackery* in #act that 7 had shot him*
and they +ould accuse me o# possi!le murder and send me a+ay to Cail@ 7 mean* in #act* that's
+hat did happen@ &hat's +hat is happening - 'cause here 7 am Cust a!out ready to go right o## to
the .archment .rison arm@ 4es* here 7 am Cust practically on the !rink o# utter doom@ (hy* 7
#eel so all alone.
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1%- $.<$?+-
!y Arthur Miller
Mary /arren
7 never kne+ it !e#ore@ 7 never kne+ anything !e#ore@ (hen she come into the court 7 say to
mysel#* 7 must not accuse this +oman* #or she sleeps in ditches* and so very old and poor@ But
then- then she sit there* denying and denying* and 7 #eel a misty coldness clim!in' up my !ack*
and the skin on my skull !egin to creep* and 7 #eel a clamp around my neck and 7 cannot
!reathe airK and then (entran%ed) 7 hear a voice* a screamin' voice* and it +ere my voice- and
all at once 7 remem!ered everything she done to meE :Li(e one awa(ened to a mar"elous
se%ret insight; So many times* Mr@ .roctor* she come to this very door* !eggin' !read and a
cup o# cider-and mark thisL +henever 7 turned her a+ay empty* she mum!led@ But +hat does
she mum!leB 4ou must remem!er* %oody .roctor@ $ast month-a Monday* 7 think--she
+alked a+ay* and 7 thought my guts +ould !urst #or t+o days a#ter@ Do you remem!er itB
And so 7 told that to 'udge "athorne* and he asks her so@ DSarah %ood*D says he* D+hat curse
do you mum!le that this girl must #all sick a#ter turning you a+ayBD And then she replies
:mimicking an old crone; D(hy* your e8cellence* no curse at all@ 7 only say my
commandmentsK 7 hope 7 may say my commandments*D says sheE &hen 'udge "athorne say*
D)ecite #or us your commandmentsED :$eaning avidly to+ard them; And o# all the ten she
could not say a single one@ She never kne+ no commandments* and they had her in a #lat lieE
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DA., A1 1%- 102 0/ 1%- 31A.3
!y (illiam 7nge
L*-!
Cora* did you hear +hat the old maid said to the !urglarB 4ou see* the !urglar came +alking
into her !edroom +ith this !ig* long !illy clu! and@@@:she is laughing so hard she can hardly
#inish the story;@@@and the old maid@@@she +as so green she didn't kno+ +hat +as happening to
her* she said@@@:stopped !y Cora* and a !it shamed and em!arrassed; Shucks* Cora* 7 don't see
+hat's +rong in having a little #un Cust telling stories@ -h* Mama and .apa* Mama and .apaE 7
kno+ the +ay they !rought us up@ And may!e they didn't kno+ as much as +e gave them
credit #or@ Do you remem!er ho+ Mama and .apa used to caution us a!out men* CoraB My
%od* they had me so a#raid o# ever giving in to a man* 7 +as petri#ied@ So +ere you until
)u!in came along and practically raped you@ :chuckling at the memory; My %od* Cora* he
had you pregnant inside o# t+o +eeks a#ter he started seeing you@ 7 never told@ 7 never even
told Morris@ My %od* do you remem!er ho+ Mama and .apa carried on +hen they #ound
outB And .apa had his stroke Cust a month a#ter you +ere married@ -h* 7 Cust thought )u!in
+as the +ickedest man alive@ May!e 7 shoulda married a man like that@ 7 don't kno+@ May!e it
+as as much my #ault as Morris'@ May!e 7 didn't@@@respond right@@@#rom the very #irst@ Cora* 7'll
tel you something@ Something 7've never told another living soul@ 7 never did enCoy it the +ay
some +omen@@@say they do@ (hy are you so surprisedB Because 7 talk kinda dirty at timesB
But that's all it is* is talk@ 7 talk all the time Cust to convince mysel# that 7'm alive@ And i stu##
mysel# +ith victuals Cust to #eel 7've got something inside me@ And 7'm #ull o# all kinds o#
cra5y curiosity a!out@@@all the things in li#e 7 seem to have missed out on@ ,o+ 7'm telling you
the truth* Cora@ ,othing ever really happened to me +hile it +as going on@ &hat #irst night
Morris and 7 +ere together* right a#ter +e +ere married* +hen +e +ere in !ed together #or the
#irst time* a#ter it +as all over* and he had #allen asleep* 7 lay there in !ed +ondering +hat in
the +orld all the cautioning had !een a!out@ ,othing had happened to me at all* and 7 thought
Mama and .apa musta !een makin' things up@ So don't come to me #or sympathy* Cora@ 7'm
not the person to give it to you@
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BD-9114 $.33
!y Christopher Durang
1A)!
(hen 7 +as eight years old* someone !rought me to a theatre +ith lots o# other children@ (e
had come to see a production o# .eter .an@ And 7 remem!er something seemed +rong +ith
+hole production* odd things kept happening@ $ike +hen the children +ould #ly* the ropes
!reaking and the actors +ould come thumping to ground an they'd have to !e carried o## !y
the stagehands@ &here seemed to !e an unlimited supply o# understudies to take the children's
places* and then they'd #all to the ground@ And then the crocodile that chases Captain "ook
seemed to !e a real crocodile* 7t +asn't an actor* and at one point it #ell o## the stage* crushing
several children in the #ront ro+@ Several understudies came and took their places in the
audience@ And #rom scene to scene (endy seemed to get #atter and #atter until #inally !y the
second act she +as immo!ile and had to !e moved +ith a cart@ &he voice !elonged to the
actress playing peter pan@ 4ou remem!er ho+ in the second act &inker!ell drinks some poison
that .eter's a!out to drink* in order to save himB And then .eter turns to the audience and he
says that &inker!ell's going to die !ecause not enough people !elieve in #airies* !ut that i#
every!ody in the audience claps real hard to sho+ that they do !elieve in #airies* then may!e
&inker!ell +on't die@ and so then all the children started to clap@ +e clapped very hard and
very long@ my palms hurt and even started to !leed 7 clapped so hard@ then suddenly the
actress playing .eter .an turned to the audience and she said* D that +asn't enough@ 4ou didn't
clap hard enough@ &inker!ell's dead@ D uh@@+ell* and@@and then everyone started to cry@ &he
actress stalked o##stage and re#used to continue +ith the play* and they #inally had to !ring
do+n the curtain@ ,o one could see anything through all the tears* and the ushers had to come
help the children up the aisles and out into the street@ 7 don't think any o# us +ere ever the
same a#ter that e8perience@
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DA.4 0/ ADA& A9D -6-
!"e
:Staring our front$ ta(ing in the world for a moment; SunlightB "umming!irdsB $ionsB
(here am 7B 7B (hat am 7B :She loo(s down at herself; -"EE (hatever 7 am* 7Fm certainly a
!eauti#ul one@ :She laughs suddenly; 7tFs very peculiarJ!ut 7 #eel likeJan e8periment@
:Laughing again; 7n #act* it +ould !e impossi!le to #eel more like an e8periment than 7 do@
&hen am 7 the +hole e8perimentB :She %arefully sur"eys herself again; 7 donFt think so@ 7
!etter start making notes right no+@ Some instinct tells me these details are going to !e
important to the historians some day@ Saturday@ 'une 2
st
@ Eden@ ,oteL 7 arrived* #eeling e8actly
like an e8periment@ Around me there is an incredi!le pro#usion o# the most delight#ul o!Cects@
So many creatures and things* each is +ondrous and !eauti#ul@ 7 see nothing that isnFt to my
liking here in Eden@ &hereFs plums and peaches and grapes* and the apples are especially
inviting@ 7tFs all so per#ect and ideal* and yet 7 have one tiny reservation@ &hereFs no one to
talk to@ ,o+* ho+ did 7 get hereB (here did 7 come #romB (hat is my ultimate aimB 7 donFt
kno+* !ut 7Fm glad 7Fm here@ 7 Cust +ish there +as someone to talk to@ :She sees Adam
%arrying in a fish; Drop that pickerel* you monsterEE .ut it !ack* do you hear meB 7# you donFt
thro+ that pickerel !ack* 7Fm going to clod you right out o# that tree@ And donFt you ever do
that again* you !ullyE 7Fm +arning youE ,o+* 7 must talk to you@ .lease come do+n@ &here is
something and 7 think itFs immensely important@ 7 +ant to talk to you a!out us@ (hatFs usB
&hatFs a name 7 thought o#@ 7t means you and me@ 7 think +eFve !oth !een put here #or a great
and no!le e8perimentE 7 think 7Fm the main part o# this e8periment* !ut you have a share in it*
too@ 4ou see* youFre the only other animal that can talkE (hatB &he parrot can talk* tooB 7
didnFt kno+ thatE (ell* 7 call it a parrot !ecause thatFs +hat it looks like@ 7 Cust happen to have
this talent@ &he minute 7 set eyes on an animal* 7 kno+ +hat it is@ 7 donFt have to think@ &he
right name comes out !y inspiration@ So #ar* youFre the only e8ception@ (hat is your nameB
Adam@@@Adam@@@ (hy do you hate me so muchB 7 Cust canFt understand itE 7Fm a very
interesting person@ And i# youFd only talk to me nicely* 7 could !e t+ice as interesting@ :Adam
lea"es) Someho+ +e got o## on the +rong #oot@ 7 seem to aggravate it@ 7 think itFs a reptile@
But 7 do +onder +hat itFs #or@ 7 never see it do anything@ ,othing seems to interest itJe8cept
resting@ 7tFs a manEE 7# it is a man* then it isnFt an it* is itB ,o@ 7t should !eL ,ominativeL "e@
DativeL "im@ .ossessiveL "isFn@ Adam@@@@that sound is pleasanter in my ears than any 7 have
heard so #ar@
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DA.4 0/ A99- /.A9,
A))!
$ook* .eter* the sky@ (she loo(s u& through the s(ylight) (hat a lovely* lovely dayE Aren't the
clouds !eauti#ulB 4ou kno+ +hat 7 do +hen it seems as i# 7 couldn't stand !eing cooped up
#or one more minuteB 7 think mysel# out@ 7 think mysel# on a +alk in the park +here 7 used to
go +ith .im@ (here the ConAuils and the crocus and the violets gro+ do+n the slopes@ 4ou
kno+ the most +onder#ul part a!out thinking yoursel# outB 4ou can have it any +ay you like@
4ou can have roses and violets and chrysanthemums all !looming at the same timeB 7t's
#unny@ 7 used to take it all #or granted@ And no+ 7've gone cra5y a!out everything to do +ith
nature@ "aven't youB (softly) 7 +ish you had a religion* .eter@ -h* 7 don't mean you have to !e
-rthodo8* or !elieve in heaven and hell and purgatory and things@ 7 Cust mean some religion@
7t doesn't matter +hat@ 'ust to !elieve in somethingE (hen 7 think o# all that's out there@ &he
trees@ And #lo+ers@ And seagulls@ (hen 7 think o# the dearness o# you* .eter@ And the
goodness o# people +e kno+@ Mr@ Kraler* Miep* Dirk* the vegeta!le man* all risking their
lives #or us everyday@ (hen 7 think o# these good things* 7'm not a#raid any more@ 7 #ind
mysel#* and %od* and 7@@@ (e're not the only people that've had to su##er@ &here've al+ays !een
people that've had to@ Sometimes one race* sometimes another* and yet@@@7 kno+ it's terri!le*
trying to have any #aith +hen people are doing such horri!le things* !ut you kno+ +hat 7
sometimes thinkB 7 think the +orld may !e going through a phase* the +ay 7 +as +ith Mother@
7t'll pass* may!e not #or hundreds o# years* !ut some day 7 still !elieve* in spite o# everything*
that people are really good at heart@ .eter* i# you'd only look at it as part o# a great patternB
&hat +e're Cust a little minute in the li#eB :she !reaks o##; $isten to us* going at each other like
a couple o# stupid gro+nupsE $ook at the sky no+@ 7sn't it lovelyB
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1%- D69-.3
!y 'im $eonard
Darlene
7ckE DonFt let those +orms near me@ 7Fm not a!out to let them touch me@ "o+ comeB Cause 7
donFt like +orms@ &hatFs ho+ come@ 7# it +as me* 7Fd make that preacher dig em up himsel#
and put em in the can@ (ho ever heard o# a man askin you out to go #ishin and then makin
you do all the +orkB (orms +ouldnFt !other me so much* seeB But they used to !e a!le to
+alk@ 7tIs true* 'ennie Mae@ DonIt you guys read the Bi!leB ()ot too ha&&y about the fa%t.)
4eah* 7 gotta learn the +hole thing@ $ike* say 7Im sittin at the ta!le and 7 +ant seconds on
dessert* Aunt ,orma says* D%ive me a verse #irst* Darlene@D 7# 7 didnIt kno+ the Bi!le 7Id
starve to death* seeB But 7 !een learnin +ho Adam and Eve are@4ou heard a them* ainIt youB
&he #irst people@ And theyIre livin in this great !ig old garden in Europe@ And the thing a!out
Eve is sheIs +alkin around pickin !erries and Cunk +ith no clothes on@ $isten* 'ennie Mae*
they +ere like doin it all the time@ All the time* 'ennie Mae@ &hat kind a stu## happens in
Europe@ But like 7Im sayin* this snake comes strollin up* seeB And he tells her ho+ sheIs
sittin there Cay!ird stark naked@ -h* thereIs lots cra5ier stu##In that in the Bi!le@ $ike thereIs
people turnin to stone@ -ne minute theyIre sittin there Cust shootin the !ree5eJand the ne8t
thing you kno+ theyIre all rocksE $ots a +ierd stu##@ So any+ay* this !usiness a !ein naked
really sets %od o## at the snake* seeB Cause +ith Eve !ein so dum! she didnIt get in any
trou!le* !ut no+ itIs like a +hole not her !all game@ And %od +asnIt Cust mad at this one
snake eitherJhe +as mad at all a the snakes and all a the +orms in the +orld@ So he tells em
Drom no+ on you guysIre gonna cra+l around in the dirtED %od says* Drom no+ on no!ody
likes you@D %od really said that@ )ight in the Bi!le@ $ater on he gets really mad and #loods the
+hole +orld out@ "e kills em +th +ater@ loods em right under@ "e makes it keep rainin* seeB
7tIs in the Bi!leJitIs true@
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D0++C3 %0<3-
!y "enik 7!sen
)ora
Sit do+n there* &orvald@ 7 have a lot to talk a!out@ Sit do+n@ 7tIs going to take a long time@
7Ive a lot to say to you@ 4ou donIt understand me@ And 7Ive never understood you - until this
evening@ ,o* donIt interrupt me 'ust listen to +hat 7 have to say@ 4ou and 7have got to #ace
#acts* &orvald@ DoesnIt anything strike you a!out the +ay +eIre sitting hereB (eIve !een
married #or eight years@ Does it occur to you this is the #irst time +e* t+o** you and 7* man and
+i#e* have ever had a serious talk togetherB 7n eight +hole years - no* longer - ever since +e
#irst met J +e have never e8changed a serious +ord on a serious su!Cect@ 4ou have never
understood me@ A great +rong has !een done to meP &orvald@ irst !y papa@@And then !y you@
4ou have never loved me@ 4ou Cust thought it +as #un to !e in love +ith me@ 7tIs the truth*
&orvald@ (hen 7 lived +ith papa* he used to tell me +hat he thought a!out everything* so that
7 never had any opinions !ut his@ And i# 7 did have any o# my o+n* 7 kept than Auiet* !ecause
he +ouldnIt have liked them@ "e called me his little doll* and he played +ith me Cust the +ay
7 played +ith my dolls@ &hen 7 came here to live in your house 7 mean* 7 passed #rom papaIs
hands into yours@ 4ou arranged everything the +ay you +anted it* so that 7 simply took over
your taste in everything J or pretended 7 did itIs as i# 7Ive !een living here like a pauper*
#rom hand to mouth@ 7 per#ormed tricks #or you* and you gave me #ood and drink@ But that +as
ho+ you +anted it 4ou and papa have done me a great +rong@ 7tIs your #ault that 7 have done
nothing +ith my li#e@ "ave 7 !een happy hereB ,oK never@ 7 used to think 7 +as@ But 7 havenIt
ever !een 7Ive Cust had #un@ 4ouIve al+ays !een very kind to me@ But our home has never
!een anything !ut a playroom@ 7Ive !een your doll-+i#e* Cust as 7 used to !e papaFs doll-child@
And the children have !een my dolls@ 7 used to think it +as #un +hen you came in and played
+ith me* Cust as they think itIs #un +hen 7 go in and play games +ith them@ &hatIs all our
marriage has !een@ -h* &orvald* you are not the man to educate me into !eing the right +i#e
#or you@ And no+ +hat a!out meB Am 7 to educate the childrenB DidnIt you say yoursel# a
#e+ minutes ago that you dare to leave them in my chargeB 4ou +ere per#ectly right@ 7 am not
#itted to educate them@ &hereIs something else 7 must do #irst@ 7 must educate mysel# And you
canIt help me +ith that@ 7tIs something 7 must do !y mysel# &hatIs +hy 7Im leaving you@ 7
must stand on my o+n #eet i# 7 am to #ind out the truth a!out mysel# and a!out li#e@ So 7 canIt
go on living here +ith you any longer@ 7Im leaving you no+* at once@ 7tIs use your trying to
#or!id me anymore@ 7 shall take +ith me nothing !ut +hat is mine@ 7 donIt +ant anything #rom
you* no+ or ever@ 7 must think things out #or mysel#K and try to #ind my o+n ans+er@ 7 donIt
kno+ +here lam in these matters@ 7 only kno+ that these things mean something Auite
di##erent to me #rom +hat they do to you@ ,o* 7 donFt understand ho+ society +orks* !ut 7
intend to learn@ 7Ive never #elt so sane and sure in my li#e@ -h* &orvald* it hurts me terri!ly to
have to say it* !ecause youIve al+ays !een so kind to me@ But 7 canIt help it@ 7 donIt love you
any longer@ &hatIs +hy 7 canIt go on living here any longer@ 7t happened this evening* +hen
the miracle #ailed to happen@ 7t +as then that 7 reali5ed you +erenIt the man 7Id thought you
to !e@ 7Ive +aited so patiently* #or eight +hole years - +ell* good heavens* 7Im not such a
#ool as to suppose that miracles occur every day@ &hen this dread#ul thing happened to me*
and then 7 (new M,o+ the miracle +ill take placeEI (hen KrogatadIs letter +as lying out
there* it never occurred to me #or a moment that you +ould let that man trample over you@ 7
kne+ that you +ould say to himL D.u!lish the #acts to the +orldED And +hen he had done this*
then 7 +as certain that you +ould step #or+ard and take all the !lame on yoursel# and say D7
am the one +ho is guiltyED 4ouIre thinking 7 +ouldnIt have accepted such a sacri#ice #rom
youB ,o* o# course 7 +ouldnItE But +hat +ould my +ord have counted #or against yoursB
&hat +as the miracle 7 +as hoping #or* and dreading@ And it +as to prevent it happening that 7
+anted to end my li#e@ But you neither think or talk like the man 7 could share my li#e +ith@
-nce youId got over your #right -and you +erenIt #rightened o# +hat might threaten me* !ut
only o# +hat threatened you - ,o+ the danger +as past* then as #ar as you +ere concerned it
+as e8actly as though nothing had happened@ 7 +as your little song!ird Cust as !e#ore - your
doll +hom hence#orth you +ould take particular care to protect #rom the +orld !ecause she
+as so +eak and #ragile@ &orvald* in that moment 7 reali5ed that #or eight years 7 had !een
living here +ith a complete stranger* and had !orn him three children -h* 7 canIt !ear to think
o# 7tE 7 could tear mysel# to piecesE 7 canIt spend the night in a strange manIs house@ (hen a
+i#e leaves her hus!andIs house* as 7Im doing no+* 7Im told that according to the la+ he is
#reed o# any o!ligations to+ards her@ 7n any case* 7 release you #rom any such o!ligations@
4ou mustnIt #eel !ound to me in any +ay ho+ever small* Cust as 7 shall not #eel !ound to you@
(e must !oth !e Auite #ree@ "ere is your ring !ack@ %ive me mine@ &orvald* #or me to come
!ack* you and 7 +ould have to change so much thatJli#e together !et+een us +ould have to
!ecome a marriage. it +ould !e the miracle o# miracles@ And 7 do not !elieve in miracle any
longer@ %ood!ye* &orvald@
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/0.19?.A3
!y $ee Blessing
*,'!L-A
4eah* yeah* yeahJ7Fm -phelia@ Big deal@ (ho caresB ,o one did in li#eJright .opB -h*
hu55ah* hooray* ring the !ells@ -phelia the ghost speaks@ -# course 7 spoke@ (hat am 7
supposed to doB Stand around like himB %hosts do +hat they likeJhavenFt you #igured that
outB (eFre supernatural@ Super-natural@ %ot itB At least compared to you@ (hy am 7 hereB 7
havenFt come to you@ 7Fm Cust here to collect this old idiot@ 7Fll tell you +hat ghosts kno+@
&hey kno+ +hat they did +rong in li#e@ 7tFs all they can ever think a!out@ &hat and a second
chanceJ+hich never comes@ )ight* DadB Dad talked too much in li#e@ 4ou see +here that got
him@ ,o+ heFs a#raid to open his mouth@ 7tFs really the only good thing 7 can say a!out !eing
dead@ "ey* DadJ7 think 7Fm still in love +ith "amlet@ (hat should 7 doB :She laughs; Do
you really +ant to kno+ +hat heFs !een yearning to say +hen he comes to see youB &he truth
JthatFs all@ A!out anything@ (hen he +as alive he couldnFt tell the truth even +hen he tried@
,o+ he +onFt say anything until he can !e a!solutely sure itFs true@ (hich* o# course* is
never@ 7snFt that right* DadB 7 +as the #ool in li#e@ ,o+ itFs him@ Do you remem!er +hen +e
last metB 4eah* 7 +as young and #air@@@@you saying 7Fm not no+B 4es* death is a pretty
harro+ing e8perience@@@@7tFs !een hell on my looks* 7Fll admit it@ 4ou still look great@ DidnFt
kno+ you could #eel me** ehB 7t usually comes as a shock@ 7 can turn it on and o##@ Comes in
handy@ Say* +hy donFt you get rid o# the girls@ (e can* um@@@@talk@@@@@unless youFre getting
other ideas@@@@Are you coming or notB @@@7tFs not only possi!le* itFs terri#ic@ Did you kno+
+omen donFt reach their se8ual peak until a#ter theyFre deadB 4ouFre a#raid you +onFt satis#y
me* arenFt youB DonFt +orry@ 4ouFll still !e the only one +ho ever tried@
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-//-$1 0/ ;A&&A .A43 09 &A9 9 1%- &009 &A.;0+D3
!y .aul Oindel
?-A1.$-
"o+ did 7 get the vegeta!le +agon out +ithout him seeing meB &hat +as easy@ Every time he
got home #or the day he'd make us !oth some sand+iches--my mama had !een dead #or
years--and then he'd take a nap on the old so#a that used to !e@@@thereE And +hile he +as
sleeping 7 hitched up the horses and +ent riding around the !lock +aving to everyone@ 7 had
more nerve than a !ear +hen 7 +as a kid@ $et me tell you it takes nerve to sit up on that +agon
everyday yelling DApplesE .earsE Cucum@@@!ersED &hen my #ather came running do+n the
!lock a#ter me and started spanking me right on top o# the +agon--not hard--!ut it +as so
em!arrassing@ And you !etter !elieve 7 never did it again@ 4ou +ould have loved him* and
gone out +ith him on the +agon@@@all over Stapleton yelling as loud as you +anted* DApplesE
.earsE Cucum@@@!ersED My #ather made up #or all the other men in this +hole +orld* )uth@ 7#
only you t+o could have met@ "e'd only !e a!out si8ty-#ive no+* do you reali5e thatB And 7'll
!et he'd still !e selling vegeta!les around to+n@ All that #un and then 7 don't ever think 7 really
kne+ +hat hit me@ (ell* it +as Cust me and .apa@@@and your #ather hanging around@ And then
.apa got sick@@@and 7 drove +ith him up to the sanatorium@ And then 7 came home and there
+ere the horses@@@And 7 had the horses@@@taken care o#@ And then .apa got terri!ly sick and he
!egged me to marry so that he'd !e sure 7'd !e taken care o#@ :she laughs; 7# he kne+ ho+ 7
+as taken care o# he'd turn over in his grave@ A,D ,7%"&MA)ESE D- 4-? (A,& &-
K,-( &"E ,7%"&MA)E 7 ?SED &- "A/EB 7 never had nightmares over the #ights +ith
your #ather or the divorce@ 7 never had nightmares over any o# that@ $et me tell you a!out my
nightmare that used to come !ack and !ackL (ell* 7'm on .apa's +agon* !ut it's ne+er and
shinier and it's !eing pulled !y !eauti#ul +hite horses* not dirty +ork horses--these are like--
circus horses +ith long manes and tinsel--and the +agon is !lue* shiny !lue@ And it's #ull*
#illed +ith yello+ apples* grapes* and green sAuash@ 4ou're going to laugh +hen you hear this@
7'm +earing a lovely go+n all covered +ith Ce+els@@@and my hair is piled up on top o# my head
+ith a long #eather in it@@@and !ells are ringing* hug !ells s+inging on a gold !raid strung
across the !ack o# the +agon* and they're going D-,% D-,%* D-,% D-,%* D-,%
D-,%@ And 7'm yelling A..$ESE .EA)SE C?C?M@@@BE)SE And then 7 turn do+n our
street and all the noise stops@ &his long street +ith all the doors shut tight and everything
cro+ded ne8t to each other and there's not a soul around@ And then 7 start getting a#raid that
the vegeta!les are going to spoil@@@and that no!ody's going to !uy anything* and 7 #eel as
though 7 shouldn't !e on the +agon* and 7 keep trying to call out@ &here's not a sound@ ,ot a
single sound@@@&hen 7 turn my head and 7 look at this house across the street@@@7 see an upstairs
+indo+@@@the curtains slo+ly part@@@And 7 see the #ace o# my #ather@
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/A1%-.C3 DA4
By -liver "ailey
!S!LL!@

7 admire Marian very much@ At the orphanage* the !iggest !attle they had +ith us +as sel#-
pity@ &hey +ere al+ays having people come and talk to us a!out it@ 7 usually didn't listen@ 7'd
put my #ingers in my ears@ (ho needed it - rightB 7 only remem!er one old guy - 7 think he
+as a $utheran - !ut 7 remem!er him !ecause he didn't try to kid us@ Every!ody else +as
al+ays telling us it didn't matter +hether +e had a mother or a #ather-it +asn't that important@
"e said hell yes it mattered@ ace it* +e'd gotten a lousy !reak - !ut that +as the +ay it +as@ A
hus!and* a +i#e* a set o# kids -li#e doesn't al+ays +ork out that neatly@ Sometimes all you get
is an aunt in Du!uAue +ho might come and get you ne8t year@ Bits and pieces@ So +hat you
have to do is take those !its and pieces and P only then 7 put my #ingers in my ears again@
Because 7 kne+ +hat - +as going to do@ 7 +as go- ing to get out o# that place and get married
and raise a #amily and L no !its and pieces li#e #or me@ -nly this evening 7 lost my @* hus!and -
really lost him P and the t+ins are going to love her - and love meeting all the Du.onts - +ho
+ouldn'tB - and so 7'm !ack to !its and pieces again@ -nly Marian's sho+n me +hat you do
+ith them@ 4ou take them and you put them together as !est you can@ -# course there'll
al+ays !e people to tell you you can't@ 4ou can't make a li#e that +ay@ $ives aren't made that
+ay@ (ell* you're +rong* $ouise@ $ives are made every +ay@ &he thing to do is to keep them
going@ And not to hate@ Marian doesn't hate@ 7'm not going to* either@ 7 +ish you +ouldn't@
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;.-A1-. 1<9A
!y 'aston (illiams* 'oe Sears* Ed "o+ard
/E)A@
(to an audien%e member) -h-"iii@ /era Carp@ (elcome to Co+eta Baptist Church* +here
every!ody's +elcome@ Even Catholics@ (to another) "i@ "o+ are youB 7sn't that Cust the
prettiest dress@ 7 used to have one Cust like that-years ago@ @ @ 7sn't it +onder#ul ho+ some
people can Cust +ear anythingE (to another) (hy* 7 thought you +ere deadE 7 don't remem!er
+ho told me that* !ut 7'm so glad they +ere +rong@ (to another) "o+ are youB (to another)
"o+'re youB (<!#A begins meeting.) 7, /era Carp* /ice-.resident o# the Smut Snatchers o#
the ,e+ -rder* in the a!sence o# our president* the )everend SpikesK do here!y declare this
meeting to !e o##icially open@ (She bangs ga"el.) ,o+* +e need to send out a communiAue
#rom our education committee@ ,o+ a#ter all the vicious things they've said a!out us in the
ne+spapers* +e've decided to !ecome more #le8i!le on !i-lingual education* and +e do
indeed have a !i-lingual education program to su!mit to the &una schools@ &he di##erence is*
our program is one o# moderation@ 7t entails learning the #ollo+ing Spanish phrases@
(he following are &ronoun%ed with a distin%t !ast e4as a%%ent=)
D"a!la@@ usted inglesBD* +hich means* DDo you speak 7 EnglishBDK DCuantoBD* +hich means*
D"o+ muchBDK 7 DDonde puedo cam!iar este cheAueBD* +hich is D(here can 7 cash this
traveller's checkBDK D.or #avor* envieme un !otones para recoger mi eAuipaCeD* +hich is
D.lease send me a !oy #or my luggageDK and the last one is D,o he pedido estoD* +hich is D7
didn't order thisED ,o+ that's all the Spanish any red-!looded American oughta #eel o!ligated
to learn@ ,o+ let's Cust see the ne+spapers make #un o# thatE @ @ @ (ell* he's still not here* so
7'm gonna #orge ahead@ (e need to send out a snatch sAuad @ @ @ (ell* +e do. (e need to send
out a !ook-snatchin' sAuad to the &una "igh School $i!rary to check those dictionaries@ ,o+$
+e have a ne+ list o# +ords that have !een declared possi!ly o##ensive or misunderstanda!le
to pre-college students@ ,o+ the +ords areL hot* hooker* coke* clap* de#lo+er* !all* knocker
and nuts@ ,o+ a#ter much prayer and soul searching +ith the $ord* the Committee has
decided not to include the +ord snatch on this year's list@ (e kno+ some o# you have very
strong #eelings a!out snatch* !ut +e Cust can't a##ord to change our letterhead at this time@
(S,-K!S enters.) (ell* here he is@ 7 here!y turn this meetin' over to our honora!le president*
the )everend Spikes@ (She bangs ga"el again.)


%0<3- 0/ ?+<- +-A6-3
By 'ohn %uare
B?,,4

-h* 7 love youE 4ou said youFll come +ith me to see the .opeE &hatFs tantamount to a
promise@ &antamount@ &antamount@ 4ou hear thatB 7 didnFt +ork in a la+ o##ice #or ni8@ 7
could sue you #or !reach o# promise@ :)ear tears; 7 kno+ +hat youFre going to say--- 7 +onFt
cook #or youJ4ou !end my arm and t+ist my heart* !ut 7 got to !e strong@ ,o+ rinse your
mouth out to #reshen up and come on* letFs go@ 7tFs really cold out so dress +armJloook* 7
stu##ed the )ew Yor( ,ost in my !ootiesJplastic Cust ainFt as +arm as it used to !e@ 7 +onFt
cook #or youE 7 cooked veal parmigeena #or me last night@ 7t +as so good 7 almost died@ But 7
+onFt cook #or you till a#ter +eFre married@ 7Fm no that kind o# girl@ 7Fll sleep +ith you
anytime you +ant@ Any+here@ 7n t+o months 7Fve kno+ you* did 7 re#use you onceB ,ot onceE
4ou +ant me to clim! in the !ag +ith you right no+B ?n5ip itJgo onJun5ip itJ%ive your
#ingers a smack and 7Fm #lat on my !ack@ 7Fll se+ those +ords into a sampler #or you in our
ne+ home in Cali#ornia@ (eFll hang it right !y the #ront door@ Because* Artie* 7Fm a rotten lay
and 7 kno+ it and you kno+ it and every!ody kno+s itJ7Fm not good in !ed@ 7tFs no insult@ 7
took that se8 test in the #eader>s Digest t+o +eeks ago and 7 scored t+elve@ &+elve* ArtieEE 7
ran out o# that dentist o##ice +ith tears gushing out o# my #ace@ But 7 #ace up to the truth a!out
mysel#@ So i# 7 cooked #or you no+ and said 7 +onFt sleep +ith you till +eFre married* youFd
look #or+ard to sleeping +ith me so much that !y the time +e did get to that motel near
"olly+ood* 7Fd !e such a disappointment* youFd never #orgive me@ My cooking is the only
thing 7 got to lure you on +ith and hold you +ith@ Artie* +e got to keep some magic #or the
honeymoon@ 7tFs my #irst honeymoon and 7 +ant it to !e so good* 7Fm aiming #or t+o million
calories@ 7 +ant to cook #or you so !ad 7 +alk !y the A0. * 7 get all hot Ca!s o# chili po+der
inside my thighs@@@!ut 7 canFt till +e get those tickets to Cali#ornia sa#e in my purse* till Billy
kno+s +eFre coming* till 7 got that ring right on my cooking #inger@@@DonFt tempt me@@@@7 love
you@@@
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9-6-. 3A9; /0. &4 /A1%-.
By )o!ert Anderson
Alice
4ouIre staying !ecause you canIt stand DadFs +rath@ 4ouIve never !een a!le to stand up to
his anger@ "eIs co+ed you@ "eIll call you ungrate#ul @ @ @ and youIll !elieve him@ "eIll lash
out at you +ith his sarcasm* and that +ill kill this lovely* necessary image you have o#
yoursel# as the good son@ CanIt you see thatB &he di##erence !et+een us is that 7 accept the
inevita!le sadness o# this +orld +ithout an acute sense o# personal guilt@ 4ou donIt@ 7 donIt
think anyone e8pects either o# us to ruin our lives #or an unreasona!le old man@ 7 think this is
all rationali5ation to make tolera!le a compulsion you have to stay here@ 4ou hate the
compulsion* so youIve dressed it up to look nice@ (hat do you think youIll #indB 4ou hope to
#ind love@ CouldnIt you tell #rom +hat he Cust said +hat youIre going to #indB DonIt you
understand heIs got to hate youB "e may not think it in his head or #eel it in his heart* !ut you
are his enemyE rom the moment you +ere !orn a !oy* you +ere a threat to this man and his
enemy@ "e +ants your !alls @ @ @ and heIs had themE 7Im sorry@ 7 +ant to shock you@ (hen has
he ever regarded you as a man* an eAual* a maleB (hen you +ere a Marine@ And that you did
#or him@ Because even !ack there you +ere looking #or his love@ 4ou didnIt +ant to !e a
Marine@ D,o+* .oppa* +ill you love meBD And he did@ ,o* not love@ But he +as proud and
grate#ul !ecause you gave him an e8tension o# himsel# he could !oast a!out* +ith his phoney
set o# values@ @ @ @ (hen +as he ever proud a!out the thing you doB &he things you valueB
(hen did he ever mention your teaching or your !ooks* e8cept in scornB 4ouIre looking #or
something that isnIt there* %ene@ 4ouIre looking #or a MotherIs love in a ather@ @ @ @ Mothers
are so#t and yielding@ athers are hard and rough* and to teach us the +ay o# the +orld* +hich
is rough* +hich is mean* +hich is sel#ish and preCudiced@ 7Ive al+ays !een grate#ul to him #or
+hat he did@ "e taught me a marvelous lesson* and has made me a!le to #ace a lot and there
has !een a lot to #ace* and 7Im grate#ul as hell to him@ Because i# 7 couldnIt get the
understanding and compassion #rom a ather* +ho could 7 e8pect it #rom* in the +orldB (ho
in the +orld* i# not #rom a atherB So 7 learned* and didnIt e8pect it, and 7Ive #ound very
little* and so 7Im grate#ul to him@ 7Im grate#ul as "ell to him@ %ood night* %ene@@ @Suddenly 7
miss Mother so @ @ @
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0<;%1 10 ?- 9 2$1<.-3
by 9eil 3imon
Libby
7 +as +ondering i# 7 could discuss something +ith you@ 7tFs a!out se8@ DonIt get nervous@ 7#
you get nervous* 7Ill get nervous@ 7Fm in trou!le@@@7 mean@@@7 donIt kno+ ho+ to do anything
se8ual@ Most o# the people le#t the party@ And %ordon and 7 +ere sitting at the !ottom o# the
hill in a car@ And he +anted to #ool around@ "eIs not gorgeous !ut heIs kinda cute@ And 7 #elt
very grate#ul to him* and 7 didnIt +ant to hurt his #eelings@ And 7 +anted to #ool around too@
-nly 7 didnIt kno+ +hat +as right@ 7 didnIt +ant to !e one o# those girls they call MMeasy*II
!ut 7 didnIt +ant to !e impossi!le either@ So 7 Cust kissed him and got out o# the car and
decided not to deal +ith it@ But this Saturday night 7 think 7Im going to have to deal +ith it@ 7
never talked a!out these things +ith my mother !ecause she doesnIt trust men too much@ 4ou
can guess +hy@ And %randma@@ +ell* se8 isnIt her !est su!Cect@ 7 !rought it up a couple o#
times !ut she pretended she +as dead@ 7 kno+ ho+ se8 +orks@ 7 donIt have any mechanical
pro!lems@ 7Ive seen #ive Q-rated movies@ 7 could pass a test on it@ 7 Cust donIt kno+ +hat to
e8pectJemotionally@ And 7 need to discuss it and youIre my #ather@ And +hat you think
means a lot to me@ 7# itIs a maCor trauma #or you* 7 understand@ 7 mean* 7 could al+ays take a
couple o# glasses o# +ine and Cust plunge in@ 7Fve got to have my #irst time sometime@ 7# itIs
not %ordon* 7 could al+ays use the in#ormation@ Should 7 ask you some AuestionsB (ell @ @ @
Emotionally* is it di##erent #or the man than it is #or the girlB 7t is? "o+ old +ere you the #irst
timeB 7&EE,B (ho +as the girlB -kay* nevermind@ So* +hat +as it like +ith MomB @@@
&hatIs a very personal Auestion* isnIt itB Did you do it +ith her !e#ore or a#ter you +ere
marriedB She said a#ter@ 7 kne+ she lied@ She Cust couldnIt talk to me a!out those things@
&hatIs +hy 7Im talking to you@ 7 +anted to kno+ ho+ she #elt@ 7# she +as scared or e8cited@
(as it #unB (as it pain#ulB 7 didnIt think it +as an unreasona!le Auestion@ 7 mean* i# she
could teach me ho+ to +alk* +hy couldnIt she teach me ho+ to loveB So +hat +as she likeB
Making love@ Because she +as so angry +hen you le#t@ So !itter@ 2 donIt think she ever slept
+ith another man a#ter you +ere gone@ 7tIs like +hen you le#t* you took her +ith you@ &hatIs
+hy 7 +as so angry +ith you@ 7t +as !ad enough you +ere gone* !ut you could have le#t my
mother there #or me@ She used to hug me so hard sometimes@ $ike she +as trying to sAuee5e
all the love out o# me that she +asnIt getting any+here else@ So instead o# gro+ing up to !e
me* 7 gre+ up to !e a su!stituteJ 7 kno+ %randmaIs dead@ 7 kno+ she pro!a!ly canIt hear
me@ But 7 speak to her everyday any+ay !ecause 7Im not so sure anyone else is listening@ 7# 7
have to go #or an intervie+* my heart pounds so much you can see it coming through my
!louse@ @ 7# you +ant the %odIs honest truth* 7 donIt even +ant to !e an actress@ 7 donIt kno+
the #irst thing a!out acting@ 7 donIt kno+ what 7 +ant to !e@ @ @ (.eginning to brea( down.) 7
Cust +anted to come out here and see you@ 7 Cust +anted to kno+ +hat you +ere like@ 7 +anted
to kno+ +hy 7 +as so #rightened every time a !oy +anted to reach out and touch me @ @ @ 7 Cust
+anted some!ody in the #amily to hold me !ecause it +as me$ $i!!y* and not some!ody +ho
+asnIt there@ :Crying; 7 love Mom so much@ 7 didnIt mean to say anything against her@ 7tIs
Cust that she +onIt let me inside@ (hen she holds me* all 7 can #eel is her arms @ @ @ !ut 7 never
#eel +hatIs inside@ (Crying o&enly now@ turns away.) Boy oh !oy @ @ @ )eally opened up the
old +ater+orks@ 7 never e8pected to do that@ 7 hope you have #lood insurance@
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D-A+ %<3?A9D
!y -scar (ilde
MA.!L
(ell* &ommy has proposed to me again@ &ommy really does nothing !ut propose to me@ he
proposed to me last night in the Music-room* +hen 7 +as Auite unprotected* as there +as an
ela!orate trio going on@ 7 didn't dare to make the smallest repartee* 7 need hardly tell you@ 7# 7
had* it +ould have stopped the music at once@ Musical people are so a!surdly unreasona!le@
&hey al+ays +ant one to !e per#ectly dum! at the very moment +hen one is longing to !e
a!solutely dea#@ &hen he proposed to me in !road daylight this morning* in #ront o# that
dread#ul statue o# Achilles@ )eally* the things that go on in #ront o# that +ork o# art are Auite
appalling@ &he police should inter#ere@ At luncheon 7 sa+ !y the glare in his eyes that he +as
going to propose again* and 7 Cust managed to check him in time !y assuring him that 7 +as a
!imetallist@ ortunately 7 don't kno+ +hat !imetallism means@ And 7 don't !elieve any!ody
else does either@ But the o!servation crushed &ommy #or ten minutes@ "e looked Auite
shocked@ And then &ommy is so annoying in the +ay he proposes@ 7# he proposed at the top o#
his voice* 7 should not mind so much@ &hat might produce some e##ect on the pu!lic@ But he
does it in a horrid con#idential +ay@ (hen &ommy +ants to !e romantic he talks to one Cust
like a doctor@ 7 am very #ond o# &ommy* !ut his methods o# proposing are Auite out o# date@ 7
+ish* %ertrude* you +ould speak to him* and tell him that once a +eek is Auite o#ten enough
to propose to any one* and that it should al+ays !e done in a matter that attracts some
attention@
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C& A 31.A9;-. %-.- &43-+/
!y Ev Miller
$ori
&his rehearsal +as a+#ul@ (She sighs.) But* !ad or not* +e open tomorro+ night@ 7t Cust +asnIt
your night* Casey@ 7t doesnIt hurt to have a !ad dress rehearsal@ 7 kno+ you can do it* Casey@
(trying to a"oid a fight). $ook* every play has nights like this@ Sometimes itIs even !etter i#
things donIt come together per#ectly until opening night@ (e had a !ad rehearsal@ ,o+ letIs
Cust look #or+ard to opening night@ %et a good nightIs rest@ 4ouFre going over MarkFs no+B
-hB (ell* suit yoursel#@ ,o* 7 donIt hate him@ 7 kno+ heFs your #riend@ 7Im your #riend* too*
Casey@ Mark says a guy canIt !e #riends +ith a #emaleB Mark says a lot o# things that are o##-
!ase* donIt you thinkB Do 7 hate nimB &o !e honest* 7 hate him #or +hat heIs doing to you*
Casey@ Mark $ee is a !itter* angry person +ho thinks every!ody in this +orld is out to get
himE 7 donIt kno+ that much a!out him@ 7 do kno+ this@ 7# heIs going to spend all his li#e in
some hellish kind o# hate* heIs got no right to take you +ith him@ and youIve got no right to
go +ith him@ 4eah* you can do anything you +ant to do@@ Do +hatever you +ant@ Spend the
rest o# your li#e #eeling sorry #or yoursel# the +ay he doesE ollo+ Mark $ee to hell i# thatIs
+hat you +ant to doE 4es* you think 7Fm nice and sa#e in my little li#e@ &hat 7 donIt kno+
+hat itIs really likeE Casey* 7 havenIt lived in a glass cage@ 7 kno+ as much a!out !eing hurt
as you do@ But to live is to hurt@ . . 7 kno+ that much@ CanIt you see thatB (A &ause.) 7 hurt
no+* Casey@ Because@ . . !ecause 7 care #or you@ 7Im not sure yet e8actly ho+* Casey . . . as a
#riend . . . other +ays* too@ 4ou love me* tooB 4ouFre sureB Casey* ho+ can you love meB
"o+ can you love any!ody until you start liking yoursel# a little moreB 4ou canIt love
any!ody until that happens@ Casey* youIve ignored me every night since +e had that
argument on the +ay home@ 4ou have made a point o# it in #ront o# the others #or the past
+eek@ 7 donIt like to !e treated that +ay@ $ook* Cust go home* Casey* or go over to MarkIs@ 7
+ant to !e alone tonight #or a +hile@ Everything is so mi8ed up in my head@ . . especially my
#eelings a!out you@ 7 have to have some time@ )ight no+* 7 donIt think you kno+ +hat you
+ant at all@ Someday you pro!a!ly +ill* !ut not no+@
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9D-2-9D-9$-
!y $ee Blessing
'-
KessB KessEB Can you come do+nB (here's MomB 7'm okay@ So* Mom's not here@ 7've !een
on an errand@ 7 had to go over to (aterloo@ Kess* do you remem!er +hen you asked me to
come up and stay +ith youB Did you mean thatB 7 +ant to come up@ 7 +ant to come up right
no+@ 7 +ant to stay #or the summer at least* may!e longer@ 4ou said 7 could come up@ 4ou
said that roommate o# yours* Susan* you said Susan thinks it's okay@ 7 have to get a+ay #rom
Mom@ :a !eat; 7 Cust did a@@@very odd thing@ 7 +ent over to "eidi's house@ 7 thought 7 +as only
going over to talk +ith her@ 'ust to@@@@look her in the eye once* and ask her i# she really slept
+ith Don +hile he and 7 +ere@@@you kno+* like Sherry said@@@But as 7 turned the corner 7 sa+
her pull out and driver a+ay@ So 7 #ollo+ed her@ 7 +atched@ 7 +atched the +ay she drove@ 7
+atched the +ay she shopped@* She hit all the !ridal shops* plus a #e+ others@ She's a good
shopper@ ,o* she didn't see me@ 7 hid@ 7 stayed t+o cars !ehind her* like on tv* and 7 hid !ehind
pillars in the stores@ 7 never lost her@ 7 stared at her and stared at her #or #our hours* and she
never sa+ me and 7 never lost her@ 7 didn't +ant to talk +ith her anymore@ 7 Cust +anted to
+atch her@ -n the +ay home* 7 thought DMy %od* +hy am 7 doing thisEBD But i Cust kept
#ollo+ing@ 7 thought DMom should !e driving this car@ 7 should !e Mom doing this@D then 7
thought D7 am@D Kess* 7 love Mom@ But 7 thought o# ho+ 7'll !e in ten years i# 7 stay +ith
Mom@ Kess* 7 can't !e Mom@ "o+ can 7 help her i# 7'm Cust like herB 7 +ant to leave tomorro+@
And 7 +ant to stay +ith you@ 7s that all rightB Kess@@@ 7 don't care ho+ Mom is* 7 don't care
ho+ lonely she is@ She'll never !e all right@ 7 can't stay here@ 7'm coming up north* and 7'm
living +ith you@ 4ou o##ered it@ And 7 need it@ 4ou o+e meE 7 don't care ho+ guilty you #eel
a!out Mom* Kess@ 7 don't@ (e can't save Mom@ Save me@
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963?+- /.-9D3
By Alan Ayck!ourn
$?C4
Come +ith me i# you +ill@ ?pstairs@ 7# you listen very care#ully you can Cust hear the distant
sound o# the greater spotted %risly %ary* my un!elieva!ly talkative !rother@ "ere +e go* 7'll
Cust have a Auite +ord +ith him* you might +ant to cover your ears@ (al(ing loudly$ and
qui%(ly) "allo* %risly@ 7t's your loving sister* $ucy@ 'ust +anted to tell you that 7 have !een
picked #or the school s+imming team@ &hought you'd like to kno+@ Bye* %risly@ 7 enCoyed that
chat@ "e didn't hear a thing@ &his is my room@ ,o one is allo+ed in here e8cept #or me@ 7'm a
very tidy sort o# person@ (hich is a !it e8traordinary in this house@ 7 think 7 must !e a #reak@ 7
actually like to kno+ +here 7 have put my things@ &his is my !ed@ And this is my desk@ And
up there on the shel# are my special* most #avorite !ooks@ Actually one o# the reasons that 7
keep it tidy is !ecause my very* very special #riend* Oara* also likes things tidy@ -h yah* 7
ought to e8plain to you a!out Oara shouldn't 7B 4ou may have heard my mum talking a!out
my invisi!le #riendB Do you remem!erB (ell* that's my invisi!le #riend* Oara@ &his is Oara@ 7
+ant you to say hallo to her@ Oara* say hallo to my #riends@ And +on't you say hallo to Oara*
she did say hallo to you@ 7 invented Oara* oh years ago* +hen 7 +as seven or eight@ 'ust #or
#un@ 7 think 7 +as ill at the time and +asn't allo+ed to play +ith any o# my real #riends* so 7
made up Oara@ She's my special #riend that no one else can see* e8cept me@ -# course* 7 can't
really see her either@ ,ot really@ Although sometimes 7B 7t's almost as i# 7 could see her*
sometimes@ 7# 7 concentrate vary hard it's like 7 can Cust glimpse her out o# the corner o# my
eye@ Still@ Any+ay@ 7've kept Oara #or years and years* its !een almost 26 years no+ actually@
?ntil they all started saying 7 +as much too old #or that sort o# thing and got +orried and
started talking a!out sending #or a doctor@ So then 7 didn't take her round +ith me Auite so
much a#ter that@ But she's still here@ And +hen 7 #eel really sad and depressed* 7 sit and talk to
Oara@ Oara al+ays understands@ Oara al+ays listens@ She's special@ Aren't you* OaraB (hatB
4es* 7 +ish he'd turn his music do+n* too@ 7've asked him* haven't 7B :mimicking; !ut he Cust
says* 'ho+ can 7 hear the music then i# 7 turn it do+n@ 7 can't hear the !ass thenE' 7 used to have
pictures up on the +alls o# this room* !ut every time he put a CD on* they +ould all #all do+n
o## the +alls@ 7 +ish he +ould listen to Auiet music* Cust once* like some Bach or Mo5art@ -#
coarse* i# he did that he +ouldn't !e %risly %ary no+ +ould he !eB -h Oara* 7 almost #orgot
to tell you@ 7 got picked #or the school s+imming team today@ 7 kno+* 7'm really e8cited too@ 7
did the !reast stroke and #reestyle Cust like you told me to do and 7 got in@ ,o@@ no they didn't
come@@i mean its not like 7B noB +hy should they haveB :yelling) 7# anyone cares at all* 7 +as
picked #or the school s+imming team today@ "o+ a!out that #olksB MomB DadB Any!ody
that caresB %reat* thanks everyone@ %od dammit* they could haveB@ &hey couldB But no* no o#
coarse not* they don'tB o# coarse not* +hat +as 7 e8pecting* some one to actuallyB 4ah* yah
Oara@ 7 kno+ you're al+ays here@ 7ts Cust that sometimesB 7 get so lonely@
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8A,-C3 W0&-9
!y ,eil Simon
MA00-!
(ell* un#ortunately* it +asnFt mine* either@ or as long as 7 can remem!er* 7 +as molded and
shaped in the #orm o# some!ody else>s concept o# a +oman* never mine@ &he church taught it
to me* parochial schools taught it to me* my mother* my #ather*N%od* you couldnFt get out o#
the Mid+est +ithout its stamp o# approval@ 7 +as taught to !e a good girl* a +i#e and a mother
!ut never a person@ 4ou could !e a car!on copy !ut donFt mess +ith !eing an original@ &hatFs
+hat you married eight years ago* 'ake@ A good girl@ As good and as o!edient as my mother*
never suspecting* o# course* that it +as three martinis a day that kept her o!edient@@@and then
one day 7 +oke up and said to mysel#* D7 donFt +ant to !e anyoneFs concept o# me e8cept
me@@@not even 'akeFsD@@@4ou are so important to me* !ut youFre also so consumed +ith creating
your o+n images and characters* planning every detail in their li#e* molding them and shaping
them into your creations* your concepts@ And 7 said* D'esus* 7 Cust le#t all this in Michigan*
+hat do 7 +ant it in ,e+ 4ork #orBD@@@and the minute 7 tried to step out on my o+n* to try to
!e someone 7 created* that 7 controlled* you made me pay so dearly #or it@ 4ou made me #eel
like a plagiarist@@@@and so one day in Chicago* 7 let mysel# !ecome a very !ad little@ %irl@ &he
ne8t morning 7 looked in the mirror and sure didnFt like +hat 7 sa+@ But 7 sa+ the possi!ility
o# !ecoming someone +ho +ould have to !e accepted on 7 her terms and certainly not
someone +ho +as considered a re+rite o# someone else@ And until you !egin to see me$ 'ake*
my Maggie* 7 am getting out o# this house* out o# this li#e and out o# your +ord processor@@@7
may !e making the !iggest mistake o# my li#e !ut at least itFll !e mine@@@Dear $ord* Creator o#
the ?niverse* #orgive@ And i# not* not@
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8A,-3 W0&-9 A
!y ,eil Simon
Karen
(hy is it +henever 7 try to help you* you push me a+ayB 4ouIre that +ay +ith all +omen@
4ouIre so so stando##ish@ (hat you love is to lo"e +omen@ 4ou love to have +omen in
love +ith you@ 4ou even love to love +omen +ho love you !ecause youIre stando##ish@ But
intimacy* aha* that youIre a#raid o#@ 7 said* DAha* that youIre a#raid o#@D 7 think youIre a#raid
to lose control in a relationship +ith a +oman@ &o let a +oman in so close* so deep inside o#
you* that sheIll go!!le you up and youIll lose +hatever you think you are@ 4ou al+ays have
to !e the Master* 'ake@ &he Master* the Conductor* the Director and the Attorney %eneral@
4ou donIt think itIs strange that you sit around here thinking a!out +omen and making up
+hat they say to youB And then you think up that we make up that +e come over here on our
o+nB Come onE "o+ much more control do you +antB ... &hey love you* they leave you* they
come !ack to you* they +orry a!out you* they die* they live* they gro+ up* the #all do+n* they
#ight #or you* they cry #or you itIs a three ring circus in here and all the horses and lions
and elephants are +omen ... 4ouIre the star o# the sho+* 'ake@ 4ouIre the one they shoot out
o# a cannon and you #ly around the tent +ith an American #lag in your mouth and all the
+omen go cra5y and #aint and they take them a+ay to hospitals ... &he trou!le is itIs very
hard to get close to a man +hoIs #lying around in a tent +ith a #lag in his mouth@ &hatIs +hat
7 call trou!le +ith intimacy@
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,-99-D4C3 $%+D.-9
!y )o!ert .atrick
CA#LA
Carla is disillusioned model who dreamed of be%oming the ne4t Marilyn Monroe. She has 5ust
ta(en se"entyAfour slee&ing &ills and %ome to the bar ;to wash them down
7 +anted to !e a se8 goddess@ And you can laugh all you +ant to@ &he Coke is on me* +hether
you laugh or not@ 7 +anted to !e one- one o# them@ &hey used to laugh at Marilyn +hen she
said she didnFt +ant to !e a se8-goddess* she +anted to !e a human !eing@ And ho+ they
laugh at me +hen 7 say* D7 don't +ant to !e a human !eingK 7 +ant to !e a se8-goddess@D &hat
sho+s you right there that something has changed* doesnFt itB )ita* Ava* $ana* Marlene*
Marilyn- 7 +anted to !e one o# them@ 7 remem!er the morning my #riend came in and told us
all that Marilyn had died@ And all the !oys +ere stunned* rigid* literally* as they reali5ed +hat
had le#t us@ 7 mean* i# the +orld couldnFt support Marilyn Monroe* then +asnFt something
desperately +rongB And +e spent the rest o# the goddamned si8ties #inding out +hat it +as@
(e +ere all living together* me and these three gay !oys that adopted me +hen 7 ran a+ay* in
this lo#t on East i#th Street* !e#ore it !ecame dropout heaven- !e#ore anyone even said
DdropoutD- +ay !ack +hen DcommuneD +as still a ver!@ (e +ere all- old movie !u##s* se8-
mad- you kno+* the early si8ties@ And then my #riend* this s+eet little Aueen* he came in and
he passed out tranAuili5ers to everyone* and told us all to sit do+n* and +e though he +as Cust
going to tell us there +as a Mae (est dou!le #eature on some+here- and he said- he said- he
said- DMarilyn Monroe died last nightD- and all the !oys +ere stunned- !ut 7- 7 #elt something
sudden and cold in my solar ple8us* and 7 kne+ then +hat 7 +anted to do +ith my li#e@ 7
+anted to !e the ne8t one@ 7 +anted to !e the ne8t one to stand radiant and per#ected !e#ore
the race o# man* to shed the luminosity o# my !eloved countenance over the struggles and
aspirations o# my piti#ul su!Cects@ 7 +anted to give meaning to my o+n time* to !e the
unattaina!le luring love that drives men on* the angel o# light* the golden #lo+er* the !est o#
the universe made +omankind* the living sacri#ice* the endE DamnE
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1%- ,++D--.
!y 'ay Broad
S,A#KY
7 got up* +ent to the !athroom* made !reak#ast* argued +ith you* thre+ my cup across the
kitchen +hen you slammed the door as you +ent out* ans+ered the telephone* Susan's car is
!roken* so 7 came !ack* +ashed the dishes* then Mumsey called a!out coming to visit--like
you said they +ould--then rieda came over* +e drank co##ee* talked out her divorce* talked
a!out her la+yer* talked a!out her alimony* then the !ank called and 7 had to run do+n there
to trans#er out o# our savings* that's +rong@@@to trans#er +hat +as le#t o# our savings to cover
your overdra#t* then 7 came !ack and the phone rang again* it +as Sa#e+ay telling me our
grocery check had !ounced* 7 told them to send it !ack through and the man said he +ould i# 7
+ould !ring him over t+o dollars to cover the redeposit cost* so 7 drove over to Sa#e+ay* 7
+as very em!arrassed !ut 7 did it any+ay !ecause 7 kne+ you +ouldn't eve i# you said you
+ould and 7'd Cust have to ans+er the phone again tomorro+ or start shopping some+here
else* the 7 heard screaming out on the street and 7 ran out* the Carlson's dog had !een run over
and no!ody kne+ +hat to do* so 7 +rapped him in a to+el and put him in the !ack o# our car
and drove over to the /et's* he +as dead +hen 7 got there and there +as !lood all over the
!ack seat and there +as no!ody to help me get him out o# the car e8cept a smart little !astard
+ho +anted to kno+ +hy 7 !rought a dead dog to the /et's* then 7 came !ack here and
cleaned the !ack seat* it's still +et* and the man came to give an estimate on the roo#* it'll cost
nine hundred and ninety dollars* not including any ne+ spouts or gutters he may have to
replace* 7 told him you'd call him tonight or tomorro+* and %eorgia called* she +as !ehind
getting ready #or the party and +anted to kno+ i# 7'd do some shopping #or her* 7 said -K and
!ack 7 +ent to Sa#e+ay* the groceries #or %eorgia came to #ourteen something and all 7 had
+as ten* 7 asked i# they'd take a check and +e +ent through that +hole thing again* !ut 7
promised and they did and 7 took the groceries to %eorgia* Susan +as there and her car +as
still !roken so 7 did the a#ternoon kiddie run #or her* 7 came !ack here* "uck and Spike +ere
home* Spike had gotten mad at "uck and locked him out* so "uck +ent over to $ynch's and
got on the telephone and called Spike and called him he a dirty name so Spike came out and
hit "uck in the nose* and !uy this time 7 +as !ack* !ut Spike had let the door close !ehind
him and locked us all out and my keys +ere inside there on the counter so +e had to !read the
lock on the garage +indo+ and "uck cra+led in* and !y that time 7'd had my #ill o# one day
on this green earth so 7 told them to make their o+n supper and 7 +ent in the garage* closed
the garage door* and sat in the car listening to the radio and drinking my martini@@@and it's the
!est t+enty minutes 7've had this year@ &hen 7 heard you come home* so 7 came in here and
you +ere standing there shouting a!out the &/@@@and you're lucky 7 didn't knock your teeth
out@@@
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+A31 0/ 1%- .-D %01 +06-.3
By ,eil Simon
!LA-)!
4ou hypocriteE 4ou soul-searching* #inger-smelling* hypocritical son o# a !itchE (ho are you
to tell any!ody ho+ to go through li#eB (hat +ould you have done if 7 came in here all
#luttery and !lushing and D-oh* Mr@ Cashman* donIt put your hand there* 7Im a married
+omanDB (ere you going to tell me ho+ much you respect me* admire me and* at the
moment o# truth* even love meBI4ou kno+ damn +ell tomorro+ youId !e !ack !ehind that
counter opening clams and praying to Christ 7Id never come !ack in your restaurant; And you
kno+ somethingB &hatIs the +ay it should !e@ orgive me #or the terri!le* sin#ul thing 7Im
a!out to say !ut 7 happen to like the pure physical act o# making love@ 7t +arms me* it
stimulates me and it makes me #eel like a +omanJ !ut thatIs another ugly storyLI &hatIs
+hat 7 came up here #or and thatIs +hat you +ere e8pecting@ But donIt give me* M(hen 7 +as
nine years old my mother ran o## +ith the !utcher and 7Ive !een looking #or someone to love
me ever since@** 7 donIt kno+ your pro!lems and 7 donIt care@ keep your savory s+ord#ish
succotash stories to yoursel#@ ,o one really cares a!out anything or anyone in this +orld
e8cept himsel#* and thereIs only one +ay to get through +ith your sanity i# you canIt taste it*
touch it or smell it* #orget itE @7# you +ant a copy o# that speech* send #i#ty cents and sel#-
addressed envelopeJ 7tIs getting late ... and 7 have to #eed the lion at si8@ DonIt +aste your
time@ (eIre incompati!le@ &ogether* Barney* +e !le+ one o# the very #e+ #ree a#ternoons +e
have allotted to us in this li#e@ But 7Im not putting the !lame on you@ 7t serves me right@ 7# 7
had a craving #or corned !ee# and ca!!age 7Id !e in some !ig 7rishmanIs apartment right no+
having the time o# my li#e@@@ CBes= -a "ie2 (At the door) %ood luck* Barney* in your Auest #or
the 7mpossi!le Dream@ (*&ens the door) -h* please %od* let there !e a cigarette machine in
the lo!!y@
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+A<9D.4 A9D ?0<.?09
By 'ames McClure
'attie

Say mind i# 7 use your phoneB igure 7 !etter check on the kids@ ,o telling +hat devilment
they've gotten up to@ (Dialing.) Everything gonna turn out #ine you'll see@ (*n the &hone.)
"elloB CherylB Cheryl dear* this is Mommy@ @ @ Mommy@ @ @ your mother. (Aside.) Child needs
a hearing aid@ (hat's that dearB /ernon 1r. thre+ a rock at youB (ell* thro+ one !ack at him*
honey@ Sho+ him +ho's !oss@ Cheryl* s+eetheart* put %randma on the phone@ @ @ Cheryl this
+eekE (,ause.) Sounds -like they're running her ragged@ "elloB $ittle )oger@ 7s that you@ 7
don't +ant to talk to you right no+ punkin* 7 +ant to talk to %randma@ @ @ 'cause 7 +ant to talk
to %randma @ @ @ yes %randma does have !aggy el!o+s@ ,o+ lemme talk to her@ @ @ +hat's thatB
"oney o# course Mommy loves you@ @ @ 7 love you all the same@ @ @ Do 7 love you more than
+hoB red lintstone@ 4es@ More than .aul ,e+man no* !ut red lintstone yes@ @ @ 7t's a
gro+n-up Coke honey@ ,o+ put %randma on @ @ @ She's +hatB &ied upE 4ou untie her you hear
meB 4ou +ant a s+itchin'B @ @ @ &hen you untie her* right no+@ @ @ MarionB &hat you@ @ @ -h*
you +ere playin' @ @ @ -h good 7 thought they had you tied up #or real@ @ @ "o+ they doing@ @ @
yes @ @ @ yes@ @ @ yes 7 agree there is too much violence on &/@ @ @ yes 7'll pick them up at #ive@ @ @
,o 7 +on't !e late@ @ @ 4ou have my solemn +ord@ @ @ %ood!ye@ (hat's thatB $ittle )ogerB @ @ @
4es it's nice to hear your voice again too @ @ @ 4ou're playing +hatB SniperB /ernon 'r@ has
clim!ed a tree in the !ackyard and he has a !rickB (ell* little )oger* listen and listen
care#ully* under no circumstances go under that tree@ @ @ "e's gonna drop the !rick on your
head* s+eetheart@ @ @ So don't go under the tree@ &hat's Cust +hat he +ants@ @ @ -K @ @ @ -K @ @ @
D4a!!a da!! dooD to you too@ (She hangs u&.) "e'll +alk right under that tree@ &he child has
no more sense than %od gave a scre+driver@

+-&09 3,4
!y $an#ord (ilson
Carol
7 kno+* itFs late* 7 +asnFt +atching the time@ (hereFs DougB 7s Doug hereB "e +ent on to
+orkB :o herself; (ent to +orkP (ell* o# course* he +ent to +ork* Carol* +hatFd you think*
he stayed here +ith his sonB :o #onnie; Damn* )onnie* donFtF start@ 7 kno+ itFs t+o oFclock@
(eFve !een sitting out in #ront #or over an hour* didnFt you hear us drive up* 7 thought 7 sa+
you at the +indo+@ (ell* 7 donFt care* either@ "e +as so s+eet@(e talkedJ SonnyFs dad has a
ranch in &e8asJover t+enty thousand acres* +hich he says is smallJ &hatFs pro!a!ly larger
than )hode 7sland@ And they raise "ere#ords and houses and oil and have a!out hal# the
money in the country and investments every+here@ "is mom and dad are paraly5ed over
+hatFs going on in Cu!a* apparently they o+n it@ -h* )onnie* +ould you stop itE 'ust stop it*
alreadyE ,o he doesnFt lay me* no* never* not once* look at my hands #or %odFs sakeE 4ou
think 7 can stand itB (!4&osing her hands$ whi%h are bloody on the &alms.)J(ell* it isnFt
stigmata* you can count on that@ Sonny is Catholic +ith a vengeance and 7Fve never thought 7
could !e in love +ith anyone@ &here it isE (#ather to the audien%e.) CarolFs pro!lem* never
thought she could cut it and 7 amJvery much in love +ith a )ich &e8an Catholic and he has
land* lots o# land and principles that 7 never even kne+ +ere principles@ And 7 used to take
Ddo+ns*D !ut pills are +rong* o# course* so 7 promised him 7 +ouldnFt take them any more@
,o* +e no longer live in a yello+ su!marine* +e live on a )ed .erch@ And he makes out so
damn !eauti#ully and 7 canFt ask him and 7 canFt !e D!ad*D his +ord* not mine* and 7 canFt
calm do+n +ith the pills and 7 cla+ my hands$ the palms o# my hands apart@ (otally
brea(ing off Cdisgusted with herself.) (ell* crap* Carol* thereIs no sense in causing a +ar
a!out it* 7 cut my nails do+n yesterday* 7Ill cut them o## tonight@ But that +onIt help* !ecause
7Ill !ite my lip or something else i# 7 canIt get a hold o# something to take to calm my
damned* #ra55ledJ)onnie* donIt make e8cuses #or me #or %odIs sake* 7 kno+ that i# you see
one pill* or tranAuili5ers* youIll report it@ 7 kno+ you +orry a!out your kids taking something
o# mine !y accident@ 4ou donIt have to tell me that@ Do you think Sonny +ould stand #or itB
"eIs a lot !etter police dog thanJ a $-& !etter police dog than you* !elieve meJ 7 kno+E 7
heard a!out the t+o di##erent cases in the last year o# kids !eing poisoned !y taking
!ar!iturates le#t around the house@ (S%reaming.) 4ou donIt have to tell any!ody any
goddamned thingE Because 7 .)-M7SED him* you kno+ +hat that MEA,SB (#egains her
%ontrol$ holding her hands.) &hat 7 didnIt need them@ 4es* my hands hurt@ 4es* they hurt like
#ire@
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+-11$- A9D +06A;-
!y .eter Scha##er
$E&&7CE
$anguage +as Mother's passion@ As 7 gre+ up 7 +as never permitted to read anything !ut the
grandest prose@ D$anguage alone #rees one*D she used to say@ DAnd "istory gives one place@D
Every night she enacted #or me a story #rom our country's past* #leshing it out +ith her o+n
marvelous virtuosityE@@@)ichard's !attle#ield o# Bos+orthE King Charles the irst marching to
his !eheading like a ramrod on a #ree5ing 'anuary morning* +earing t+o shirts o# sno+y
+hite linen* lest i# he trem!led #rom cold his enemies +ould say it +as #rom #earE@@@:rapt;
(onder#ulE@@@-n a child's mind the most tremendous events +ere engraved as +ith a diamond
on a +indo+ paneE@@@And to me* my tourist---simply random holiday makers in my care #or
t+enty minutes o# their lives--are my children in this respect@ 7t is my duty to enlarge them@
Enlarge--enliven--enlighten them@ (hen 7 #irst !egan leading tours at ustian "ouse 7 spoke
nothing !ut #actE E8actly +hat +as set do+n #or me--in all its glittering e8citement@ By the
time 7'd #inished* my +hole group +ould have turned gray +ith indi##erence@ 7 mysel# turned
gray every a#ternoonE@@@ustian is a "aunted "ouse* Miss Schoen@ "aunted !y the Spirit o#
,ullityE -# ,othing Ever "appeningE@@@7t had to !e #ought@ My tongue simply could not go on
speaking that stu##E@@@,o dou!t 7 +as e8cessive@ 7 +as carried--7 can't deny it--#urther and
#urther #rom the shore o# #act do+n the slipstream o# #iction@ But !lame the house---not the
spirit +hich de#ied itE So@ 7 am #ired@ 7 am condemned@ .lease* do not compose a letter o#
re#erence@ 7 +ould not ask you to lie on my !ehal#@ &hat is not your #orte'* Miss Schoen--think
things up@ At the moment you e8ude a certain gray integrity@ .lease do not try to contaminate
it +ith color@ :rising to leave* stopping maCestically; 7 leave you +ith a true story concerning
color@ Check it in the !ooks i# you like* #or accuracy@ Are you a+are ho+ the <ueen o# Scots
!ehaved at the moment o# her e8ecutionB 7t +as the custom #or victims on the sca##old to shed
their outer garments to avoid soiling them +ith !lood@ <ueen Mary appeared in a dress o#
deepest !lack@ But +hen her ladies removed this #rom her--+hat do you imagine +as
revealedB A #ull-length shi#t +as seen@ A garment the color o# the +horing o# +hich she had
!een accusedE &he color o# martyrdom--and de#ianceE Blood redE :She steps out o# her cloak
to reveal a !rilliant red ankle-length nightdress; 4es--all gasped +ith the shock o# itE All
+atched +ith un+illing admiration--that good old +ord again--all +atched +ith +onder as
that #rail captive* crippled #rom her long con#inement* stepped out o# the darkness o# her
nineteen years' humiliation and +alked into eternity--a totally sel#-Custi#ied +omanE &hat is a
strict and a!solute #act@ A long good-!ye to youE
back to top

1%- +11+- /0D-3
!y $illian "ellman
.-#D-!
&hat +as the #irst day 7 ever sa+ -scar@ &he Ballongs +ere selling their horses and he +as
going there to !uy@ "e passed and li#ted his hatN+e could see him #rom the +indo+Nand my
!rother* to tease Mama* said may!e +e should have invited the "u!!ards to the party@ "e said
Mama didnFt like them !ecause they kept a store and he said that +as old-#ashioned o# her@
:'er fa%e lights u&; And then* and then 7 sa+ Mama angry #or the #irst time in my li#e@ She
said that +asnFt the reason@ She said she +as old-#ashioned* !ut not that +ay@ She said she
+as old-#ashioned enough not to like people +ho killed animals they couldnFtF use* and +ho
made their money charging a+#ul interest to poor* ignorant !lacks and cheating them on +hat
they !ought@ She +as very angry* Mama +as@ 7 had never seen her #ace like that@ And then
suddenly she laughed and said* D$ook* 7 #righted Birdie out o# the hiccoughs@ And so she
had@@@@ (ho +ould have thoughtN:qui%(ly; 4ou all +ant to kno+ somethingB (ell* 7 donFt like
$eo@ My very o+n son* and 7 donFt like him@ :Laughs gaily; My* 7 guess 7 even like -scar
more@ (hy did 7 marry ?ncle -scarB 7 donFt kno+@ 7 thought 7 liked him@ "e +as kind to me
and 7 thought it +as !ecause he liked me too@ But that +asnFt the reasonJAsk +hy he
married me. 7 can tell you thatL heFs told it to me o#ten enough@ :S&ea(ing "ery ra&idly$
tensely; My #amily +as good and the cotton on $ionnetFs #ields +as !etter@ Ben "u!!ard
+anted the cotton and -scar "u!!ard married #or him@ "e +as kind to me* then@ "e used to
smile at me@ "e hasnFt smiled at me since@ Every!ody kne+ thatFs +hat he married me #or@
Every!ody !uy me@ Stupid Stupid me@ 7 donFt have a headacheEE 7Fve never had a headache in
my li#e@ 4ou kno+ it as +ell as 7 do@ 7 never had a headache* Oan@ &hatFs a lie they tell #or me@
7 drink@ All !y mysel#* in my o+n room* !y mysel#* 7 drink@ &hen* +hen they +ant to hide it*
they say* DBirdieFs got a headache againD 4ou kno+ +hatB 7n t+enty-t+o years 7 havenFt had
a +hole day o# happiness@ -h* a little* like today +ith you all@ But never a single* +hole day@ 7
say to mysel#* i# only 7 had one more whole day@@@
back to top
+033 0/ .03-3
!y (illiam 7nge
L-LA
"elen* 7 canIt really tell you +hat my marriage to Ed Comiskey +as like@ 4ouIve never
kno+n people like those Comiskey !rothers@ &heyIre Cust out o# another +orld entirely@ 4ou
+ouldnIt !elieve the things 7 told you@ Ed +as very s+eet to me@ But he +as +eak@ 4ou see*
the other Comiskey* /incent* +as not EdIs real !rother@ ,o@ &hey called their sho+ the
Comiskey Brothers Comedians* !ut /incent +asnIt EdIs !rother at all@ /incent +as EdIs
father. But 7 din kno+ it #or Auite a +hile a#ter +e +ere married@ &hen 7 #ound out that old
/incent Comiskey dyed his hair to keep the gray #rom sho+ing@ "e +anted to stay young and
keep on playing the leading man@ /incent +as the real !oss o# the sho+@ And a #e+ months
a#ter +e +ere married* he started sending Ed out on !ooking trips @ @ @ Ed +asnIt a very good
actor@ And then* +hen Ed +as gone* old /incent started coming to my room* trying to #orce
himsel# on me@ 7 told you youId never heard o# people like them@ -h* he +as a horri!le old
man@ 7 Cust couldnIt stand him@ "e tried to #orce me to make love to him @ @ @ in all sorts o#
+ays that @ @ @ that Cust made me sick* "elen@ -h* Mrs@ Comiskey kne+ all a!out him@ She din
care +hat he did@ She +as in love +ith another man* a man +ho played the 8ylophone
!et+een the acts* and he had a +i#e* too* and t+o little kids@ And the 8ylophone playerIs +i#e
+as in love +ith the cre+ !oss* the man +ho had charge o# putting up the tent and taking it
do+n@ 7 told you you +ouldnIt !elieve me@ But +e +ere in a ne+ to+n every +eek* "elen*
and 7 never kne+ anyone@ But old /incent kne+ everyone in every to+n +e +ent to@ And
people Cust loved him* too@ 7 couldnIt have gone to the police and told them to arrest /incent
Comiskey@ &he police +ould have arrested me #or !eing a trou!le-maker@ 7 tried to tell Ed
a#ter he got !ack #rom his #irst !ooking trip* !ut he +ouldnIt !elieve me@ "e didnIt +anta
!elieve me@ "e +as scared o# his #ather* and he +ouldnIt have kno+n ho+ to protect me@ 7t @ @
@ almost made me sorry #or Ed@ 7tFs not your #ault 7 married him@ You couldnIt have kno+n all
that +ould happen@ $iving !ack there in that little -klahoma to+n +here every!ody +as so
honest and #riendly* +e never guessed there +ere people like /incent Comiskey in the +orldE
Sometimes 7 get the #eeling all men are like that@ inally* 7 Cust ran a+ay one day@ 7 hardly
kne+ +hat 7 +as doing* 7 +as so #ear#ul and an8iousK !ut 7 managed to get on a train
someho+* and ended up in Bismarck* ,orth Dakota* in the middle o# +inter@ 7 Cust locked
mysel# up in a hotel room and din see anyone* 7 #elt so terri!le@ &hen @ @ @ some people #ound
me@ (ell* 7 @ @ @ 7 guess 7Id tried to kill mysel#* "elen@ -h no+* donIt sound so horri#ied*
"elen@ 7 din really mean it@ 7t +as Cust a hal#-hearted attempt 7 made* +ith some sleeping
medicine a doctor gave me@ 7tIs never gonna happen again@ 7Ive learned a lot since then@ &hey
took me to a !ig hospital* a @ @ @ a mental institution@ -h* it scared me to go to such a place* !ut
a#ter 7Id !een there a+hile* 7 !egan to #eel a lot di##erent@ &hey kept me there #or three
months* seeing a doctor* and making pottery and se+ing@ 7 learned a lot #rom that doctor@ Men
donIt scare me any more* like they did then@ 7 +as Cust too goody-good in lotsa +ays* "elen@ 7
didnFt tell Mama* "elenE 7magine Mama getting a postcard saying* DDear Mama* 7Im in the
loony !in@ $ove* $ila@D (hy* theyIda had to take her to one* too@ ,o@ 7 Cust +rote Mama that 7
+as visiting a #riend up in ,orth Dakota@ She musta +ondered +here 7 ever met anyone in
,orth Dakota* !ut 7 guess Mama +ondered a!out a lotta things in my li#e@ 7Im kinda relieved
sheIs dead no+@ 7 donIt #eel 7 have to account to anyone any more@ 7Im never gonna do
anything silly again +ith that darn sleeping medicine@ &his doctor* he made me see things a
lot di##erently@ "e said that immature people e8pect the +hole +orld to !e rosy* and +hen
they have to #ace reality* it looks hard and ugly@ So* 7 Cust donIt e8pect so much a li#e any
more* "elen@ And 7 !een gettinI along Cust #ine@ 7 donIt #ight things like 7 used to@ 7Ive
learned to take things as they come and make the !est o# them@ (e Cust gotta make the !est o#
it@
back to top

+031 9 409,-.3
!y ,eil Simon
BE$$A
4ou think 7 canFt have healthy !a!ies* MommaB (ell* 7 can@@@7Fm as strong as an o8@ 7F e
+orked in that store and taken care o# you !y mysel# since 7Fm t+elve years old* thatFs ho+
strong 7 am@@@ like steel* Momma@ 7snFt that ho+ +eFre supposed to !eB@@@But my !a!ies +onFt
die* !ecause 7Fll love them and take care o# them@@@And they +onFt get sick like me or %ert or
!e +eak like Eddie and $ouie@@@My !a!ies +ill !e happier than +e +ere* !ecause 7Fll teach
them to !e happy@@@@not to gro+ up and run a+ay or never visit +hen theyFre older or not !e
a!le to !reathe !ecause theyFre so #rightened@@@and never* e"er to make them spend their lives
ru!!ing my !ack and my legs !ecause you never had anyone around +ho loved you enough to
+ant to touch you* !ecause you made it so clear you never +anted to !e touched +ith
love@@@Do you kno+ +hat itFs like to touch steel* MommaB 7tFs hard and itFs cold* and 7 +ant
to !e +arm and so#t +ith my children@@@@ $ook* Momma* 7Fm not crying@@@7 kno+ youFre very
angry +ith me* !ut 7Fm not crying@ And itFs not !ecause 7Fm a#raid to cry@ 7ts !ecause 7 have
no tears le#t in me@ 7 #eel sort o# empty inside@ $ike you #eel all the time@ 4ou donFt think 7
kno+ anything* do youB 4ou think 7Fm stupid* donFt you* MommaB @@@@7Fm not a child@ 7# %od
+anted me to stay a child* +hy did me make me look like a +omanB @@@And #eel like a +oman
inside o# meB And +ant all the things a +oman should haveB 7s that +hat 7 should thank him
#orB (hy did he do that* Momma* +hen 7 can do everything !ut thin( like a +omanB@@@7 kno+
7 get con#used sometimes@@@@and #rightened@ But i# 7Fm a child* +hy canFt 7 !e happy like a
childB (hy canFt 7 !e satis#ied +ith dolls instead o# !a!iesB $et me have my !a!ies* Momma@
Because 7 have to love some!ody@ 7 have to love someone +hoFll love me !ack !e#ore 7
die@@@%ive me that * Momma* and 7 promise you* youFll never +orry a!out !eing
alone@@@@Because youFll have us@@@Me and my hus!and and my !a!ies@@@$ouie* ell her ho+
+onder#ul ha +ould !e@@@%ert* +ouldnFt that make her happyB@@@@MommaB .lease say yes@@@@7
need you to say yes@@@.leaseB
-t is deathly silent. )o one has mo"ed. 3inally$ 0randma gets u& slowly$ wal(s to her room$
goes in$ and quietly %loses the door@
"old me@@@@Some!ody please hold me@@@
back to top

+<6
!y Murray Schisgal
!LL!)
(hat 7 have to say +ill only take a #e+ minutes@ &here may not !e many more o# them@ 4ou
didn't come home until a#ter one last night@ 7t +ouldn't give me any satis#action to prove
you're lying a!out +here you +ere* so +e'll Cust let it stay like that@ 7 have something to sho+
you@ 7 made this +hile you +ere out last night@ (she hoo(s gra&h to lam&ost) $et me e8plain it
to you (she &ulls gra&h down to its full length$ &oints with finger) &hese !lack vertical lines
divide our #ive years o# marriage into monthsL these !lue vertical lines divide the months into
+eeks@ ,o+@ Each time this red hori5ontal line running across the top o# the graph hits the
!lue vertical line that indicates the num!er o# se8ual e8periences over a seven-day period@ ,o*
+e +on't talk a!out it later@ &hat's a #avorite play o# yours@ ,o* Milt* not tonight@ &hese things
must !e said +hile the still can !e said@ 7'd like to continue i# you don't mind@ ,o+@ 4ou'll
notice on this graph ho+ at the !eginning o# our marriage the red hori5ontal line touches the
!lue vertical line at a point o# 2=* 2> times a +eek* and ho+* gradually* the num!er o#
contacts !ecome less and less until 2H months ago* +hen +e have an a!rupt !reak-o##* the last
time !eing 'uly 39rd* the night o# your sister's +edding* and a#ter that date the red hori5ontal
line doesn't touch the !lue vertical line once* not oneE 7 have nothing #urther to say* Milt@ (she
tugs down on the gra&h so that it sna&s u& %leanly and disa&&ears in the wooden %asing$
&ause) (hen something like this is allo+ed to happen to a marriage* you can't go on
pretending@ 4ou +ant to pretend@ -h* the temptation is great to overlook* to #ind e8cuses* to
rationali5e@ But here* Milt* here are the #acts@ -ur relationship has deteriorated to such an
e8tent that 7 don't #eel responsi!le any more #or my o+n !ehavior@ 7t isn't a Auestion o# !eing
mad at you@ 4es* 7 think our marriage is a #ailure* ho+ever* there +ill !e no divorce@ (e've
made a mistake* !ut +e've got to make the !est o# it@@@7 have no intention o# doing other+ise@
back to top

&A..A;- 0/ ?-11- A9D ?00
!y Christopher Durang
.!!
"urry up* Boo@ 7 +ant to use the sho+er@ (S&ea(s to the audien%e$ who seems to be her great
friend=) irst 7 +as a tom!oy@ 7 used to clim! trees and !eat up my !rother &om@ &hen 7 used
to try to !reak my sister 'oanie's voice !o8 !ecause she liked to sing@ She al+ays scratched me
though* so instead 7 tried to play Emily's cello@ E8cept 7 don't have a lot o# musical talent* !ut
7'm very popular@ And 7 kno+ more a!out the cello than people +ho don't kno+ anything@ 7
don't like the cello* it's too much +ork and !esides* keeping my legs open that +ay made me
#eel #unny@ 7 asked Emily i# it made her #eel #unny and she didn't kno+ +hat 7 meantLK and
then +hen 7 told her she cried #or t+o +hole hours and then +ent to con#ession t+ice* Cust in
case the priest didn't understand her the #irst time@ Dopey Emily@ She means +ell@ (Calls
offstage=) BooeyE 7'm pregnantE (o audien%e=) Actually 7 couldn't !e !ecause 7'm a virgin@ A
married man tried to have an a##air +ith me* !ut he +as married and so it +ould have !een
pointless@ 7 didn't kno+ he +as married until t+o months ago@ &he 7 met Booey* sort o# on the
re!ound@ "e seems #ine though@ (Calls out=) BooeyE (o audien%e=) 7 +ent to con#ession a!out
the cello practicing* !ut 7 don't think the priest heard me@ "e didn't say anything@ "e didn't
even give me a penance@ 7 +onder i# no!ody +as in there@ But as long as your conscience is
all right* then so is your soul@ (Calls$ giddy$ ha&&y=) Booey* come onE
back to top

&A.4, &A.4
!y 'ean Kerr
Mary
7 suppose 7 should take a course and #ind out +hat a girl should ans+er +hen a gentle@ man
says D&ell me* pretty maiden* are there any more at home like youBD &hough it +ould hardly
pay@ 7t doesnIt come up that o#ten@ -h* 7 suppose most little girls learned things like that +hen
they +ere three years old@ (Sits on the ottoman.) But 7Im a very retarded case@ 7tIs only Cust
this year 7 learned ho+ to put my hair up in rollers@ Be#ore that 7 +ore it pinned !ack in a !un@
And +hen it had to !e cut* - cut it* or 7 +ent some+here and they cut it@ $ately 7Ive !een
going to Eli5a!eth Arden Salon* and 7 +ant you to kno+ that itIs a +hole ne+ +ay o# li#e@ At
ArdenIs they donIt Cust cut your hairJnever@ &hey sha&e it@ And they honestly think a good
shaping is as important as a cure #or cancer@ &he hairdresser really !lanched +hen he sa+ my
!un@ 7 could hear him thinking* D&hank %od she came to meJanother month and it might
have !een too late@ 7Id love to think 7 +as a pu55le@ A +oman o# mystery@ Smiling and
enigmatic on the sur#aceJ!ut underneath* a tigress@ (Change of mood$ straight. forward.) 7
hate to admit it* !ut +hat you see is all there is@ ?nderneath this plain* girlish e8terior* thereIs
a very plain girl@ 7 decided that +hen 7 +as thirteen years old@ At thirteen* all !y yoursel#* 7
guess 7 decided that@ -h* there +ere people around* !ut 7 canIt say they gave me any
argument@ Do you ever look at little girlsB 4ou take t+o little girls@ -ne o# them is pink and
round* +ith curly hair and yards o# eyelashes@ &he other one is pale and !ony* +ith thin* +ispy
hair and t+o little ears poking throughJlike the handles on a sugar !o+l@ -kay* +hich one o#
these little girls is going to have to +ear !races on her teethB&hat +as me@ Braces on my teeth*
!and-aids on my knees* #reckles on my nose@ All el!o+s and shoulder !lades@ or t+o years
running 7 got picked to play the consumptive orphan in DMichael -I"alloran@D -nce 7 sent
a+ay secretly #or StillmanIs #reckle cream@ 7 guess 7 used too much* !ecause 7 Cust peeled and
peeled@ 7 had to pretend it +as a sun!urn@ (hen 7 +as a kid* 7 mean really a kid* 7 never
+orried a!out the +ay 7 looked* !ecause 7 thoughtJ7 (newC-Bd gro+ up to !e !eauti#ul Cust
like my sister Clara@ She had !right red hair and !ro+n eyes and she al+ays had a #aintly
startled look* as i# sheId Cust come out o# a dark theater into the sunlight@ .eople +ho met her
+ould !e so !usy staring theyId #orget to #inish their sentences@ 7 thought it +as insurance@
Clara +as si8 years older than 7 +as* and 7 thought M7Ill gro+ up to look Cust like that@I -ne
day 7 +as measuring mysel#J7 +as a!out #ourteenJ and 7 reali5ed 7 hadnIt gro+n at all* not
an inch* in a +hole year@ And then it came to me@ 7 +asnIt going to gro+ any more@ 7 +as u&.
And 7 didnIt look anything at all like Clara@ 7 +ent rushing to my #ather* and 7 asked him
+hen 7 +as going to look like Clara@ .oor man@ "e didnIt kno+ +hat to say@ "e said
DDarling* +e +ouldnIt +ant t+o Claras@ 4ouIre the !right one@D &hat did it@ 7 could have
#aced !eing plain* !ut to !e plain and !rightE 7n the high school 7 +ent to* that +as a !eata!le
com!ination@ 7 used to imagine all the time that 7 +as really Catherine Earnsha+@ &he girl in
D(uthering "eights@D Cathy@ 7 used to dream that some+here there +as a strange* dark man
+hose heart +as Auietly !reaking #or me. -n rainy nights 7Id open the +indo+ and imagine 7
could hear him callingJD-h* my +ild* s+eet CathyED &he colds 7 gotE And o# course the only
dark man 7 ever sa+ +as the middle-aged dentist +ho used to adCust the !races on my teeth@

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A &idsummer:9ightCs Dream
%elena. $oE She is one o# this con#ederacy@ ,o+ 7 persieve they have conCoined all three to
#ashion this #alse sport in spite o# me@ 7nCurious
"ermia* most ungreat#ul maid* have you conspired* to !ait me +ith this #oul derisionB 7s all
the counsel that +e t+o have shared* the sisterFs vo+s* the hours that +e have spent* +hen +e
have chid the hasty-#ooted time #or party usJ-E 7s all #orgotB All schooldays #riendship*
childhood innocenceB (e* hermia* like t+o arti#icial gods* have +ith our needles created !oth
one #lo+er* !oth on one sampler* sitting on one cushion* !oth +ar!ling o# one song* !oth in
one keyK as i# our hands* our sides* voices* and minds* had !een incorporate@ So +e gre+
together* like to a dou!le cherry* seeming parted* !ut yet an union in partition* t+o lovely
!erries moulded on one stem@ So +ith t+o seeming !odies* !ut one heart* due !ut to one* and
cro+ned +ith one crest@ -ur se8* as +ell as 7* may chide you #or itK though 7 alone do #eel the
inCury@
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&33 /.-$.A$,-. $091-31
by ?eth %enley
CA),E$$E
.opeyeFs going to !e using this red material to make my costume #or the Miss irecracker
Contest@ 4ou see* 7 registered today@ See* Elaine +as Miss irecracker +ay !ack +hen she
+as Cust eighteen@ Any+ay* it +as +ay !ack that #irst year +hen 7 came to live +ith them@ She
+as a vision o# !eauty riding on that #loat +ith a cro+n on her head +aving to everyone@ 7
thought 7Fd drop dead +hen she passed !y me@ Any+ay* 7 Cust thought 7Fd give it a +hirl@ 7Fm
t+enty-#our@ &+enty-#iveFs the age limit@ 7 Cust thought 7Fd give it a +hirl +hile 7 still could@
Course* donFt e8pect to +in--thatFs cra5y@ 7Fm Cust in it #or the e8perience---thatFsFs the main
thing@ &hatFs actually +hy 7 dyed my hair redK 7 thought it +ould !e more appropriate #or the
contest@ Did you !ring that dress along +ith you that 7 asked you a!out on the phoneB 4ou
kno+* the !eauti#ul red ante!ellum dress that you +ore at the ,atche5 .ilgrimage the #irst
year you got married@ See* itFs gonna !e per#ect #or me to +ear in the contest@ 7Fm trying to
make crimson red my thematic color@ 7Fll Cust need them in the actual contest #or the opening
.arade o# irecrackers@ (hy do you think 7 should Cust +ait until a#ter the audition and see i# 7
make the pageantB DonFt you think 7Fll make itB 7 kno+ they only pick #ive girls@ 7Fve thought
a!out it* and 7* #rankly* canFt think o# #ive other girls in to+n that are prettier than me@ 7Fm
speaking honestly no+@ Course 7 kno+ thereFs Caroline 'e##ers* !ut she has those yello+
teeth@ 7 kno+ +hy youFre +orried@ 4ou think 7Fve ruined my chances* cause o# my reputation@
(ell* everyone kne+ 7 used to go out +ith lots o# men and all that@ Di##erent ones@ 7tFs !een a
constant thing +ith me since 7 +as young and---7 Cust mention it cause itFs di##erent no+*
since Aunt )onelle died and since 7 got that---disease@ Any+ay* 7 go to church no+ and 7Fm
signed up to +here 7 take an orphan home to dinner once a +eek or to a movieK and 7 +ork on
the cancer drive here Cust like you do in ,atche5@ My li#e has meaning@ .eople arenFt calling
me Miss "ot &amale anymore like they used to@ EverythingFs changed@ And !eing in that
contest--it +ould !e such an honor to me@@@7 canFt e8plain the hal# o# it@ 7Fm not all that ugly@ 7
+ish you had a!out a drop o# #aith in me@
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&339; &A.3A A9D ,339; $%.319-
!y 'ohn .atrick Shanley
Christine
7 #eel sorry #or all men@ &hey su##er like dum! !easts@ &hatFs right* 7Fm single@ Being single is
mysterious@ 7tFs silent@ 4ou live large parts o# your li#e uno!served@ &hereFs no one there
saying* D&hatFs the third time youFve gone to !athroom@ (hy do you laugh like thatB Are you
going to do anything todayBD &hereFs no one saying* D4ou look unhappy@ (hat is itB 7 #ind #or
mysel# that +hen 7 live +ith someone* my li#e lacks depth@ 7t has scope* it has activity@ @ 7
donFt kno+ +hat 7Fm trying to say@ Single* married* !oth +ays are hard@ Sometimes you +ant
to su##er and not !e seen@ &hen itFs !etter to !e single@ Sometimes you donFt even su##er unless
thereFs someone there seeing you@ &hen itFs much !etter to !e single@ 7tFs !etter to !e married
+hen itFs !etter to !e married@ or a +oman* itFs great +hen youFre checking into a hotel and
youFre Mrs@ (hatever@ /ery solid #eeling@ 7 guess it doesnFt matter +hether youFre married or
nor@ 7 guess 7 donFt think it matters very much one +ay or the other@ Did you read a!out the
cop +ho talked a guy out o# committing suicide and then committed suicide himsel#B 7tFs like
he made a deal +ith Death@ &hat cop made a speech and turned a man around #rom taking his
o+n li#e@ Do you !elieve that some!ody could say something to you that +ould make your
+hole li#e !etter or +ork or improve in some important +ayB (hat could someone say to
youB A#ter my accident* +hen 7 +as lying paraly5ed #or si8 months* 7 had a lot o# time to
think@ 7 thought a!out all the cruel things 7Fd done in my li#e@ 7 tried to remem!er every
generous thing 7Fd ever done@ Moments o# insight* o# terri!le pain* o# pleasure@ 7 tried to see
patterns in my lists@ 7 sa+ some things@ 7 made some connections@ But a#ter a +hile it all !egan
to dissolve a+ay like a lace cookie dissolves a+ay in your mouth@ Some s+eetness* then all
gone like a dream@ At #irst it #elt like 7 +as +earing an iron hat that +as Cust a little too small@
&hat +as the concussion@ My !rain +as actually s+ollen* pressing against my skull@ A#ter a
time* that lessened@ &he #eeling o# the hat@ But 7 could #eel mysel# then like a tiny o!Cect
caught in a great #lood@ 7 still have that #eeling@ $ike 7Fm !ound up* a little splinter* pitching
along in a !lack rush@ .eople said 7 +as di##erent a#ter the accident@ &hat the !lo+ to my head
had hurt me@ May!e@ Si8 months to think a!out things changed me@ Banging my !rain
changed me@ But 7 look at people and people change@ DonFt you agreeB
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&0.- /<9 1%A9 ?0W+9;
Steven Diet5
$-7S
A!out ten years ago +e +ent to a dance at the /@@(@ "all on the ourth o# the 'uly@ All the
guys came dressed as their #avorite president@ "al# came as (ashington@ "al# as $incoln@ /o-
&echFs not long in the history department@ My date came as @D@)@ so he +ouldnFt have to
dance@ (e sat #or t+o hours in the corner* eating mints@ &hen he asked i# 7Fd ever seen a
Dreal@@@smooth@@@pickup@D And 7 said may!e not* and he li#ted me up over his head and took me
out to the parking lot@ &hat +as pretty smooth* 7 said* and he said D&hat +asnFt it@ &his is it@D
"e pointed to his shiny sliver ord pickup truck +ith metallic green shell on !ack@ D(ant to
get inside and get to kno+ each otherBD he said@ Be#ore 7 kne+ it* someone had sucked out all
my common sense +ith a stra+ and 7 said DSureD and +e sat there smelling the #resh vinyl
seat coves@ "e didnFt say a +ord@ 7 turned on the radio@ "e turned it o##@ "e said he had
something to sho+ me and he un5ipped his pants and reached +ay do+n in them and pulled
out a very@@@@small@@@@key@ D&his key opens my gun rackD and sure enough there +as his t+elve
gauge shotgun locked to a rack !ehind our heads and he took do+n that gun and !egan to
clean it +ith his +hite handkerchie#@ "e e8plained every detail o# that gun to me during the
ne8t hal# hour as he caressed it +ith that handkerchie#@ &hen he loaded it@ &hen he li#ted the
edge o# my skirt +ith it and said* Dno+* +hat are you gonna sho+ me@ A#er sho+ing him the
entire contents o# my purse@@@only #our minutes had elapsed@ So* 7 started to un!utton my
!louse@ And he started to smile@ &hen 7 stopped@ 7 said Dor the good stu## +e need to get in
the !ack@D D?nder the shellBD he said@ D4eah*D 7 said@ D7 Cust put ne+ carpeting !ack thereD he
said@ D4our choice*D 7 said* and a#ter considering it #or the moment@@@he nodded@ D&ake o## all
your clothes*D 7 said@ DEven my shortsBD he said So there he +as* naked in the !ack o# the
shell@ And there 7 +as* a!out to clim! inJ+hen 7 gra!!ed his clothes* slammed the cover
shut* locked him in and drove the pickup to the #ront door o# the /@@(@ "all@ 7 +alked inside*
gra!!ed he microphone #rom the stage and yelled* D"E4* 7 %-& A KE% - BEE) 7, &"E
BACK - M4 .7CK ?.@ E/E)4B-D4 "E$. &"EMSE$/ES@D &hat metallic shell didnFt
last long an @D@)@ +ouldFve !een proud o# ho+ #ast that !oy ran a+ay naked into the night@
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9A0& 9 1%- +69; .00&
by $hristopher Durang
,A-M7
And this is the living room@ &he dining room is +here +e dine@ &he !edroom is +here +e go
to !ed@ &he laundry room is +here +e do laundry@ And the living room is +here "u!ert and 7
do all o# our living@ -ur maCor living@ So thatFs the living room@ .lease* sit do+n* donFt lit my
manner make you uncom#orta!le@ Sit on one o# the sitting devices* +e use them #or sitting in
the living room@ D-,F& S7& &"E)E@ 7 (A,& &- S7& &"E)EEEE 'erksE 7ngratesE 7tFs my
house* itFs my living room@ 7 can ask you to leaveE :%alling off; $eonardE -h $eonard@ Come
on in here in the living room and have some conversation +ith us@ 4ou donFt +ant me to soak
up everything our son says all !y mysel#* do youB :o her daughterAinAlaw; 4ou pro!a!ly
didnFt kno+ 'ohn +as $eonardFs and my son* did youB S"?& ?.EE %oodness* my mood
s+itch Auickly@ &ell me all a!out yourselves* do you have childrenB ?h huh* uh huh@ 7snFt that
interestingB E8cuse me i# 7 #all asleep@ 7Fm not tired yet* !ut 7 Cust +ant to apologi5e in
advance in case your !oring talk puts me to sleep@ 7 donFt +ant to o##end you@ :S%reams;
AAAAAAAA"""""""""""""""""EEEE 7Fm Cust so !ored 7 could scream@ Did you
ever hear that e8pressionB AAAAAAAA"""""""""""""""""EEEE )eally* children
these days have no sense@ 7n my day +e killed them@ Stop talking a!out your children/ 7 heard
you the #irst time@ %od* some people canFt get over their o+n little personal tragedies* +hat a
great !ig crashing !oor@ $ots o# people have it +orse girlieE Boy* you canFt take criticism* can
youB 7nsaneB 7Fll give you insaneE (hatFs the capital o# MadagascarB 4ou donFt kno+* do
youB ,o+ +hoFs insaneB (hatFs the sAuare root o# 9=RB 4ou donFt kno+* do youB (ell* get
out o# here* i# you think 7Fm so cra5y@ 7 donFt +ant you here@ 7 can have Christmas !y mysel#@
7 can !urn the 4ule log !y mysel#* 7 can +ait #or Santa !y mysel#@ 7 can pot geraniums 7 can
!uy a gun in a store and shoot you@ By mysel#E $eave here@ 7 donFt need you* and youFre
deadEE :hey lea"e$ )aomi %ries enormous heartfelt sobs$ when they subside$ she is li(e an
infant with a new thought and she seems to be fairly %ontented.; (ell* that +as a nice visit@
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9$- 2-02+- DA9$9; 10 ;00D $0<91.4 &<3$
!y $ee Blessing
CA'!#-)!.
ve @ @ @ !een on retreat #or a+hile #rom the convent@ 4ou can go on(ell* 7 retreat #rom a
convent@ :,ause; 4ou kno+* 7 really could cook up here @ 7Fm not dodging your Aueston 7 like
eating simply@ So* itFs no shame to go on s not ho+ they do it@ "o+ do they dot kick people
out@ &hatretreat@ &hey don t +ork out* they ask youitB &hey ask them to go on retreat@ And
i# that doesn m nor unhappy@t !e more com#orta!le in a secular mode@ 7 mean* 7i# you
+ouldn s no need@ )eally@ 7t +as Cust the logical outcome o#@ @ @ certain events*&here s all@
&hings 7 said@ ,ot !ad things@ ,othing a+#ul* really@ 'ustthat inappropriate things@ &hings
that made people in a strict order uncom#orta!le@ s a very sort o#,ot political things* ot
re#orm things@@@ Dirty +ords@ 7t une8pected !ut not entirely unheard-o# syndrome 7 developed
recently@ 7 noticed it one day a #e+ months ago@ 7 +as going to !reak#ast one morning J a
morning s alike any other morningJand 7 passed one o# the sisters in the hall+ay@ She d
never har!ored an evil thought a!out@ She+oman 7 sa+ every day* someone 7 tsmiled as she
+ent !y* looking serene* and 7 smiled !ack at her and said* D7sn s onet kno+ +here it came
#rom@ 7tthis a lovely morning* Sister ShitBD@ 7 don o# my clearest memories* thoughL the look
on her #ace* the +ay she recovered t Auite heard @ @ @ Andalmost at once* and asked me to
e8cuse her* !ut she hadn even - t haved said@ 7 couldnt sure at that moment* Cust +hat
7+asn d @ @ @ So any+ay* 7 smiled pleasantly and apologetically*said +hat 7 thought 7 and
took a deep !reath* and said* D4ou heard me* art-#ace*D and +alked on@ 7 t mean to@ Sister
Beatrice never hurt me in her li#e@ Shedid@ 7 s+ear 7 didn +as one o# the ones 7 liked !est@
And tit not even a matter o# that@ re children o# %od@ 7t Cust came out o# me@re in the same
holy order* +e(e $ike speaking in tongues or something@ &he +ords Cust leaped out o# me@
&hey had s +hat my psychologist said@ (ouldnFt you see a psychologistBto !e spoken@ &hat 7
sa+ every!ody@ 7 sa+ lots o# people in the ChurchL priests* nuns* !ishops J everyone@ 7
cussed them out@ All o# them@ E8cept %od and my psychologist@ Eve* 7 t help it@ 7
startednever meant to say any o# those things@ But 7 couldn d say others+earing like a
line!acker every time 7 sa+ the convent@ And 7 d recite the !acks o# (heaties !o8es@ ,ot
atthings* too@ 7rrational things@ 7 t even!reak#ast J other timesL during devotions* +orking
in the garden@ 7 didn kno+ 7 read the !acks o# /heaties !o8es@ 7t +as Cust there* suddenly* s
+hat +e ate@ But other things*+ord #or +ord@ 7 donFt kno+ +hy (heaties* it d heard on the
radio* rules #rom games 7 played as a kid* !irdtoo@ &hings 7 calls* sounds #rom comic !ooksL
BamE )at-a-tat-tatE Ka-!oomE ?sually during t cut out to !e a nun@ "e said 7meditation@ &he
psychologist said that 7 +asn s+as unconsciously trying to !reak out o# the constraints o#
convent li#e@ 7t not the o!scenity@ 7 got no !igger thrill saying #art-#ace than yelling Dred light
green lightD or !arking like a dog@ 7t +as the impropriety o# it. ve !een num! #ors all 7
+anted@ &o shock people@ &o shock mysel#@ 7&hat months@ 7 mean* there 7 +as J 7 had
everything planned out@ 7 +as committed to a li#e o# service in the Church* and suddenly it
+as @ @ @ Sister Shit@ My parents didnFt say anything@ ,othing help#ul@ 7 +ent home to e8plain
J you kno+* may!e d #ailed at Mmyt !elieve 7stay a +eekB 7 +as there three days@ &hey
couldn &hey spent the +hole time +himpering like a pair o# losts mission@li#e puppies@
(Sighs.) inally* Mom accused me o# +anting to have children* t kno+ +here to go@ ,o!ody
up thereand 7 le#t@ So* 7 came do+n here@ 7 didn t +ant to go see Aunt Margaret@ 7 donFt kno+
+hat+ould talk to me@ And 7 didn d !e special* a7Fll do no+@ $ive a normal li#e* 7 guess@ 7
al+ays thought 7 m Cust the usuallittle more @ @ @ something than the usual person@ But 7
person@
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'night &other
!y Marsha ,orman
'ESS7E
Mama* 7 only told you 7 +as going to kill mysel# so 7 could e8plain it* so you +ouldn't !lame
yoursel#* so you +ouldn't #eel !ad@ &here +asn't anything you could say to change my mind@ 7
didn't +ant you to save me@ 7 Cust +anted you to kno+@ Don't you see* Mama* everything 7 do
+inds up like this@ "o+ could 7 think you +ould understandB "o+ could 7 think you +ould
+ant a manicureB &hat +e could hold hands #or an hour and then 7 could go shoot mysel#B 7'm
sorry a!out tonight* Mama* !ut it's e8actly +hy 7'm doing it@ 7'm not giving upE &his is the
other thing 7'm trying@ And 7'm sure there are some other things that might +ork* !ut might
+ork isn't good enough any more@ 7 need something that +ill +ork@ &his +ill +ork@ &hat's
+hy 7 picked it@ Mama* listen@ 7 am not your child* 7 am +hat !ecame o# your child@ 7 #ound an
old !a!y picture o# me@ And it +as some!ody else* not me@ 7t +as some!ody pink and #at +ho
never heard o# sick or lonely* some!ody +ho cried and got #ed** and reached up and got held
and kicked !ut didn't hurt any!ody* and slept +henever she +anted to* Cust !y closing her
eyes@ Some!ody +ho mainly Cust laid there and laughed at the colors +aving around over her
head and che+ed on a polka-dot +hale and +oke up kno+ing some ne+ trick nearly every
day and rolled over and drooled on the sheet and #elt your hand pulling my Auilt !ack up over
me@ &hat's +ho 7 started out and this is +ho is le#t@ (here is no selfA&ity here) &hat's +hat this
is a!out@ 7t's some!ody 7 lost* all right* it's my o+n sel#@ (ho 7 never +as@ -r +ho 7 tried to !e
and never got there@ Some!ody 7 +aited #or +ho never came@ And never +ill@ So* see* it
doesn't much matter +hat else happens in the +orld or in this house* even@ 7'm +hat +as
+orth +aiting #or and 7 didn't make it@ Me@@@+ho might have made a di##erence to me@@@7'm not
going to sho+ up* so there's no reason to stay* e8cept to keep you company* and that's@@@not
reason enough !ecause 7'm not@@@very good company@ (A &ause) Am 7B 'ust let me go* Mama*
let me go easy@
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09- 3<9DA4 A/1-.9009
?yE 8ames %agan
AMY
his lo"ely$ if somewhat sentimental &lay$ written in DEF:$ is about young lo"e in a small
Midwestern town. Amy$ a romanti% young girl$ has a %rush on the town bully and sheGs
des%ribing it to her friend <irginia.
7 don't kno+@ May!e it +as love* 7 don't kno+* !ut-- (ell* +hen 7 +as very young -- o#
course* that's a long time ago* you understand@ 7t +as in school@ &here +as this !oy@ 7 don't
kno+--he never looked at me and 7 never@@@/irginia* did you ever have a #eeling in your
heart--Something that you #eel is going to happen and it doesn't--that's the +ay my heart +as--
(she tou%hes her heart) 7t +asn't love* 7 kno+ that--(&ause) "e never even noticed me@ 7 could
have !een a stick in the mud as #ar as he +as concerned@ /irginia* this !oy al+ays seemed
lonely someho+@ Every!ody had it in #or him* even the teachers--they called him !ully--!ut 7
kno+ he +asn't@ 7 sa+ him do a lot o# good things--+hen the !ig !oys picked on the smaller
ones* he helped the little #ello+s out@ 7 kno+ he had a lot o# good in him--good* that no!ody
else could see--that's +hy my heart longs #or him@

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0<. 10W9
&horten (ilder
!mily
7 can't !ear it@ theyFre so young and !eauti#ul@ +hy did they have to get oldB Mama* 7'm hereE
7Fm gro+n upE 7 love you all* everythingE 7 cant look at everything hard enough@ oh mama*
Cust look at me once as though you really sa+ me@ mama #ourteen years have gone !yE 7Fm
deadE 4ouFre a grandmother mama- 7 married %eorge %i!!s* mamaE (ally's dead too -mama@
his appendi8 !urst on a camping trip to Cra+#ord notch@ (e #elt Cust terri!le a!out it@ Don't
you remem!erB But Cust #or a moment no+ +ere all together-mama Cust #or a moment lets !e
happy- lets look at one another@ 7 can'tE 7 can't go onE it goes !y so #ast@ +e don't have time to
look at one another@ 7 didn't reali5e so all that +as going on and +e never noticedE take me
!ack up the hill to my grave* !ut #irstL +aitE one more look* good!yeE good!ye +orldE good
!ye %rovers Corners - mama and papa good!ye to clocks ticking and my !utternut treeE And
mama's sun #lo+ers and #ood and co##ee- and ne+ ironed dresses and hot !aths and sleeping
and +alking upE oh earth you are to +onder#ul #or anyone to reali5e youE does any human
!eing ever reali5e li#e +hile they live it every* every minuteB
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0<1.A;-0<3
!y 'ules &asca
Meg
7Fm Meg@ &his is our house* 332S Colum!ia (ay@ &he people ne8t door to us sold their house
to 'ohn and Sally )o!inson* the #irst non-+hite people to come into our neigh!orhood@ "arry*
my hus!and* +as not happy@ :o 'arry; &hat person o# color* "arry* is 'ohn )o!inson@ "e
and his +i#e Sally !ought the house@@@"arry* youFre not gonna put your hands on any!ody@
Control yoursel#@ 4ouFre in a rage@ $et me get you a drink and and your supper@ Keep your
voice do+n* theyFll think youFre preCudiced@@@@ :*ut to audien%e; "arry used to like to sit out
!ack in the yard a#ter supper* !ut 'ohn )o!inson +as trimminF and Sally +as cuttinF #lo+ers*
so "arry moved his la+n chair around to the side o# the house +hich is on sort o# a hill@ "e
sat and talked to himsel#@@@&hat night in !ed* "arry couldnFt make love@@@:to 'arry; (hatFs the
matter +ith you tonghtB %od* "arry* i# youFre gonna make yoursel# sick over the )o!insons*
+e can move* you kno+@ (hy donFt you go over and talk to themB (hat do you mean* you
donFt talk 5i"eB 'iveB 'ohn )o!inson is the Dean o# the Engineering Department at Boston
?niversity@ And Sally* sheFs a guide in the museum@ Mrs@ Kramer called me@ &he KramersFre
organi5ing@ &heyFre gettinF every!ody to give the )o!insons the silent treatment@ 7Fm not
givinF any!ody the silent treatment@ "arry* 7 canFt live like that@ :.a%( out; &he +elcome
+agon o# Colum!ia (ay +as loaded +ithounly #ear and !itterness and mean spirit@ "arry +as
out all day@ 7n one neigh!orFs house and then another@ &alking* complaining* cursing@ 7t +as a
horri!le $a!or Day 7 spent* all alone in the house@ &hat night* "arry came home +ith a smile
on his #ace talking a!out a meeting in Curt BunsenFs !asement and all +e had lost@ :o 'arry;
&he only things 7 lost +ere in this house* "arry "artE 4ou donFt talk to meE (e got no se8
li#eE (e canFt even sit out int he !ack yard togetherE "arryEE &alk to meE :.a%( out; "arry
and his gang planned to Dtake care o# !usiness*D A#ter dark* +hen +e +ere at my !rotherFs
house* the gang !roke the !asement +indo+* dumped gasolineK then they thre+ in a match@ 7t
!urned #ast@ &he gang +as +ild* !ut they didnFt have much head #or detail@ 7nstead o# 332H*
the )o!inson house* they thought it +as 332S* our house@ (e had nothing ledt !ut the clothes
on our !acks and the station +agon@ "arry and Curt Bunsen and the others +ere all convicted
o# conspiracy* harassment* violation o# the civil rights act and accomplices in an act o# arson@
"arryFs doinF t+o years #or !urninF do+n his ou+n home@ And our insurance company +onFt
give us a dime !ecause o# "arryFs part in the #ire@ "arryFs cell mate is a !lack man@
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0<1 0/ 0<. /A1%-.C3 %0<3-
By Daniel Schrier
!li7abeth Cady Stanton
7 am Eli5a!eth Cady Stanton* !orn in ,e+ 4ork State in 2H2> @ @ @ &he same year my #ather
+as elected to Congress@ &he custom o# calling +omen Mrs@ 'ohn &his and Mr@ &om &hat*
and colored men Sam!o and Oip-coon is #ounded on the principle that +hite men are the lords
o# all@ 7 can not ackno+ledge this principle and there#ore 7 cannot !ear the name o# another@ 7#
the 2Tth century is to !e governed !y the opinions o# the 2Hth* and the 36th !y the 2Tth* then
the +orld +ill al+ays !e governed !y dead men@ 7 +ould rather make a #e+ slanders #rom a
super- a!undance o# li#e* than to have all the proprieties o# a +ell-em!almed mummy@ (e
must make the voyage of li#e alone@ 7t matters not +hether the solitary voyager !e a man or a
+oman@ (e come into the +orld alone* unlike all +ho have gone !e#ore usL (e leave it alone
under circumstances peculiar to ourselves@ ,o mortal ever has !een* no mortal ever +ill !e
like the soul Cust launched on the sea o# li#e@ ,ature never repeats hersel#* and the possi!ilities
o# one human soul +ill never !e #ound in another@ &he same individual is not the same at all
times@ Each individual has a middle sel#* +hich is not the one o# today* nor o# yesterday* nor
o# tomorro+* !ut among these di##erent selves@ 7n youth our most !itter disappointments* our
!rightest hopes and am!itions are kno+n only to our- selves@ Even our #riendship and love +e
never @#ully share +ith another@ &he solitude o# individual li#eL its pains* its penalties* its
responsi!ilities@ &he solitude o# sel#@ 7t is the height o# cruelty to ro! the individual o# a single
natural right@ -ur inner !eing +hich +e call ourselves* no eye nor touch has ever pierced@
Such is individual li#e@ (ho can take @ @ @ dare take@ @ @ on himsel#* hersel#* the rights* the
responsi!ilities* the duties o# another human soulB
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2$9$
!y (illiam 7nge
)-SEMA)4
,o+ it's your turn to dance +ith me@ 7 may !e an old-maid schoolteacher* !ut 7 can keep up
+ith you@ )ide 'em co+!oyE (she %ontinues to si& a drin( through the rest of the monologue) 7
used to have a !oy#riend +as a co+!oy@ Met him in Colorado +hen 7 +ent out there to get
over a case o# #lu@ "e +as in love +ith me* 'cause 7 +as an older +oman and had some sense@
&ook me up in the mountains one night and made love@ (anted me to marry him right there
on the mountain top@ Said %od'd !e our preacher* the moon our !est man@ Ever hear such talkB
4ou kno+ +hatB 4ou remind me o# one o# those ancient statues@ &here +as one in the school
li!rary until last year@ "e +as a )oman gladiator@ All he had on +as a shield@ :She gives a
!a+dy laugh; A shield over his arm@ &hat +as all he had on@ All +e girls #elt insulted* havin'
to +alk past that statue every time +e +ent to the li!rary@ (e got a up a petition and made the
principal do something a!out it@ :She laughs hilariously during her narration; 4ou kno+ +hat
he didB "e got the school Canitor to #i8 things right@ "e got a chisel and made that statue
decent@ :Commanding him imploringly; Dance +ith me* young man* Dance +ith me@@@4oungB
(hat do your young@ And 7'm oldBE 4ou !een stomping around her in those !oots like you
o+ned the place* thinking every +oman you sa+ as gonna #all madly in love@ But here's one
+oman didn't pay you any mind@ Aristocratic millionaire* my #ootE 4ou +ouldn't kno+ an
aristocratic millionaire i# he spit on you@ Braggin' a!out your #ather* and 7 !et he +asn't any
!etter'n you are@ 4ou think Cust 'cause you're a man* you can +alk in here and make o## +ith
+hatever you like@ 4ou think Cust 'cause you're young you can push other people aside and not
pay them any mind@ 4ou think Cust cause you're strong you can sho+ your muscles and
no!ody'll kno+ +hat a piti#ul specimen you are@ But you +on't stay young #orever* didCa ever
thinka thatB (hat'll !ecome o# you thenB 4ou'll end your li#e in the gutter and it'll serve you
right* 'cause the gutter's +here you came #rom and the gutter's +here you !elong@
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2+A4 1 A;A9, 3A&
!y (oody Allen
$inda
7 hope 7Im not !othering you . . . +hat do you have #or an an8iety attackB 7 need a
tranAuili5er@ 7 have a thro!!ing in the pit o# my stomach@ My stomach #eels Cumpy@ 7Fm
#inding it hard to !reathe@ 7 #eel #rightened* and 7 donIt kno+ over +hat@ -h . . . 7 al+ays get
this +ay +hen Dick goes on a !usiness trip@ "e had to #ly to Cleveland #or the day@ 7 got up*
helped him pack* drove him to the airport* and thre+ up in the ?nited Airlines terminal@ 7
donIt kno+ +hat it is that upsets me so@ My analyst +ould say 7Im #eeling guilty !ecause 7
really +ant him to go@ 7 kno+ you donFt understand me@ @ @ 4ou think 7Fve got everything
going #or me@ 7Fm !right . . . people photograph me #or maga5ines@ 7 read* play Bach on the
recorder* 7Fm happily married@ 7 mean* +hy should 7 !e a mass o# symptomsB (ell* youIve
got a lot going #or you* too* and youIre a mass o# symptoms@ 7 guess it happens to us +hen
+eIre children . . . you kno+* you think youIre ugly and your parents get divorced . . . you
#eel a!andoned . . . you must have had the same thing@ Do you really think 7Ive got a lot
going #or meB 7tIs #unny@ 7 never thought you liked me very much@ 4ou kno+* +hen 7
married Dick@ 4ou thought 7 thought you +ere an odd!allB 7 never really kne+ you@ 7 mean
+e never spent any time together@ Dick descri!ed you as the #irst guy +ho sat through D&he
Maltese alconD t+elve times in t+o +eeks@ &hen +hen the #our o# us +ent out together you
acted di##erently than no+@ 7 #eel 7Ive really gotten to kno+ you in the past #e+ +eeks and
7Ive come to a very interesting conclusion@ 4ou de#initely are an odd!all@@@ !ut youIre one o#
the !est people 7Ive ever kno+n@
7Fm glad +eFre Cust #riends@ 7 like a .latonic relationship@ &heyIre so much less complicated@
,ot that 7Im do+n on male-#emale relationship* although marriage is a tough proposition at
!est@ Dick and 7 are constantly DreappraisingD marriage@ Especially in the last year@ 4ou kno+
heFs gotten deeper and deeper into his +ork and my interests have gone in another area@ &hat
is* they al+ays +ere@ &here are certain things +e !oth need that +e donFtF give each other@
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2.&A.4 -9;+3% $+A33
By 7sreal "oro+it5
D!..-!
$isten no+* 7Fll Cust go really slo+@ (,auses$ smiles.) My name is De!!ie (ast!a@ :She writes
her name on bla%(board. !a%h ta(es noteboo( and %o&ies down the name.; (-A-S&-B-A@
&hatFs pronounced (ass-tah-!ahL (ast!a@ :She lin(s ea%h of the three syllables together on
board$ in the following way= /A S .A.; &hink o# (ah as in +ah-tah@ Splash@ Splash@ Stah as
in stah-!ility@ And Bah as in Bah-dumG as in :Sings ;Dragnet; theme.; Bum-tah-!um-!um@
(ell* listen@ 7t +as literally dou!le its length in its ancient* !i!lical #orm@ :,auses; Actually*
that tune +as +rong@ 7t +ould !e much more likeG :Sings again$ to tune of ;My 3unny
<alentine.;; Bum !um-!um- !um-!um-!umG!um !um-!um !um-!um-!umG !um !um-
!um-!aaahhhmmmmmmmG :,auses= sees they are %onfused.) (ell* any+ay* really* you can
easily check your Bi!les i# you +ant@ :#ummages through sta%( of &a&ers on des($ holds u&
lesson &lan.) his is our lesson plan@ &hatFs lessonG plan@ $esson plan@ (eFre going to !e
together #or several hours and 7 thought it +ould !e highly pro#essional and competent #or me
to make a plan@ And 7 did@ And her e it isL :She reads$ smiling %onfidently.; -ne@ A pleasant
+elcome and normal chatter@ or t+o* 7Fve planned your !asic salutation* such as the goods-
good morning* good a#ternoon* good night* good luck* and good grie#@ :She laughs.; &hat +as
a mildly amusing CokeL Dgood grie#@D $ater in the night- a#ter +eFve learned a !it o# English-
youFll !e a!le to* +ell* get the Coke@ (,auses.; $etFs move along@ &hree +ill !e !asic customsL
ours here@ :)eading again.; our +ill !e a short history o# our English language@ :As the
students ta(e their notes$ they$ as we$ begin to reali7e that /astba is only writing the numbers
one through si4 on the bla%(boardA no words. hey raise their hands in question$ but she
wa"es them away$ barging ahead.) ive +ill !e the primary lesson on the primary English
class* according to the !ook@ And si8 +ill !e the very essential ver! Dto !e@D At some point*
+e shall also inspect the very !asic concept o# silence@ (Smiles.; ,o+ then* as you can see*
there are only si8 points to cover and hours and hours ahead in +hich to cover them@ :All
stare blan(ly at her smiling fa%e.; ,o+ thenL <uestionsB
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F<+1-.3 '
Annie
My am!ition is to !ecome a doctor like my #ather@ 7'm my #ather's girl@ My greatest
accomplishment +as +hen 7 +as ten years old and +as success#ul in chopping o## a chicken's
head and then dressing it #or a chicken dinner@ My mother tries to make me do Auilts all the
time* !ut 7 donUt +ant nothing to do +ith it@ 7 told her* V,ever in my li#e +ill 7 stick my
#ingers 'till they !leedE@ /ery de#initely@ My sister lorry is a real good Auilter* 7 guess@
Mother says so all the time@ lorry's #avorite pattern is the Sun!onnet sue@ Mother taught her
ho+ to do appliAue !locks and since then sheFs made pro!'ly a do5en Sun!onnet Sue Auilts@
4ou seen 'em* they're like little dolls turned side+ays +ith !ig !ig sun!onnets on@ lorry
makes each one di##erent@ 7n one her little #oot is turned this +ay or that* or she'll give her a
parasol or turn the hat a little !it@ .eople think they're soo cute@ She made one #or everyone in
the #amily* so no+ there are little Sun!onnet Sue Auilts all over the house@ She made a couple
o# Mem #or her #riends* and last spring +hen +e all got promoted at school* she presented one
to our teacher@ 7 nearly died@ And she's still at itE $et me tell you* she's driving me cra5y +ith
her Sun!onnet Sues@ So 7 decided to make one Auilt and give it to lorry@ $ike 7 said* 7'm not
such a good Auilter as her* !ut 7 kne+ Cust +hat 7 +anted to do +ith this one@ 7t's real small*
t+in !ed si5e@ 7 #inished it and put it on her !ed this morning* !ut 7 don't think she's seen it yet@
7 guess 7 do some ne+ things +ith Sun!onnet Sue@ 7 call it the Demise o# Sun!onnet Sue@
Each little !lock is di##erent* Cust like lorry does it@ 7've got a !lock o# her hanging* another
one +ith a kni#e in her chest* eaten !y a snake* eaten !y a #rog* struck !y lightning* and
!urned upE 7'm sorta proud o# it@ 4ou should see it @@@it turned out real goodE
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F<+1-.3 A
Cassie
My hus!and and 7 married !ack in /irginia and he +anted to go +est as soon as he could@ "e
got a Co! laying track #or the #irst railroad into ,e+ Me8ico@ +hen that Co! +as done he got
put to +ork inspecting t+enty miles o# track@ "e +alked it@ Could do it in a day easy i# there
+asn't any repair +ork@ 7 +as home caring #or the stock and the kids and 7 +anted to make
something nice #or him so 7 started on a Auilt that took me t+o years to #inish@ 7 +as al+ays
hidin' it !e#ore he came in@@@sometimes runnin' +hen he hit the door@@@or stashin' it in the
cra5iest place* like one time the stoveE (hen it +as done* 7 called in Eli5a!eth* my oldest to
give it to him@ "er took it and studied it and studied it-7 +as Cust thinkin' may!e there +as
something +rong +ith it* +hen he rushed over to me and +rapped the Auilt around me* s+ung
me o## my #eet and sashayed me all around the kitchen@ Both o# us laughin' to !eat the !and@
"e +as some man all right@ ,e8t spring* 7 had +rapped up my +ork #or the day and +as
piecin' up some scraps to cover the !a!y that +as due in the summer@ 7 had Cust lit the lamp
+hen +e heard a lot o# horses comin' up the road and ridin' hard@ My heart stopped and 7
reached +ay do+n to get my !reath and ran out to the porch@ &here +as #ive men #rom the
railroad@ &hey +ere s+eatin' and talkin' over one another's +ords@ &here +as a !ig !ushel
!asket on the ground in #ront o# them@ 'im )ice thought may!e he #ell and hit his head on the
tracks@ Slim "enson thought may!e the heat had got to him@ ,one o# 'em could #igure out +hy
he didn't hear the train@ (e never did get a clear reason* !ut they had to !ring him home to us
in that !ushel !asket@ &hey tell me 7 didn't cry or say a +ord@ 7 Cust sat do+n on the porch*
kinda in a little !all and started rockin' !ack and #orth-rockin' and starin'*rockin' and starin'@
Course 7 don't remem!er much no+@@@hardly anything in #act@ 'ust +hat they tell me@ 7 stayed
in the !ack room@@@never came out@ 7 guess it musta !een my momma came in and set a piecin'
!ag in #ront o# me* a needle* a spool o# thread* a pair o# scissors@ 7 didnUt kno+ +hat those
things +ere #or@ But one morning* my hands reached out@@@my hands remem!ered@@@they
gra!!ed the top piece and se+ed it to the ne8t piece* and the ne8t-didn't matter +hat it looked
like@ 7 never laid a cuttin' edge to any o# 'em@ our months later 7 had a +hole Auilt and the
!a!y +as !orn and my eyes came clear again@
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F<+1-.3 G
Katherine
,o@ 7 never married@ -nce* 7 almost did* !ut it didn't +ork out@ 7 +as t+enty-seven years old@ 7
+as Auite a go-getter in those days@ /ery headstrong@ 7'd !een a+ay to teacherUs college and
+as very de#inite a!out my career@ (ell* 7 +as sick +hen 7 +as younger and 7 couldnUt have
children@ 7t didnUt !other me though* 7 +as so !usy +ith my teaching and church +ork and
all@ So* any+ay this doctor came to to+n@ "e +as #rom Cali#ornia@ My* he +as so handsome@
"e had a gap toothed grin that +ould stop your heart@ (ell* +e Cust #ell in love* you kno+@ 7'd
never thought a!out marrying any!ody !e#ore@@@never met any!ody 7'd consider spending my
li#e +ith@ But him@ +ell* 7 thought he +as pretty special@ 7 told him right o## a!out not !eing
a!le to have children@ 7 +anted that out in the open right o##@ 7 told him 7 +as happy +ith my
+ork and it didn't make a !it o# di##erence to me@ May!e later on* you kno+* i# 7 changed my
mind* 7 might +ant to adopt some kids@ But all in all it suited me Cust #ine@ "e looked me right
in the eye and said it suited him Cust #ine too@ "e said he'd never !een so sure a!out kids
himsel#* and even so* it +as me he +anted and that +as enough@ (e had a #e+ months o#
happiness a#ter that@ -h* he could !e so much #unE &hen one day he told me heUd made a
mistake@ "e really did +ant children real !ad@ 7 could tell !y the +ay it kinda tore him up that
he +as real sorry@ Shortly a#ter that* a +oman he kne+ #rom Cali#ornia moved to to+n and
they got married@ 7 taught !oth their children in school !e#ore 7 retired@ $ike i said* 7 never
married@ $iving alone al+ays suited me Cust #ine@
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F<+1-.3 *
)an
Dear %od* +hy is this happening to meB &hey teach us that your loving and #orgiving and
only punish !ad people and sinners@ 7 don't remem!er doing anything to deserve this@ Mama
calls it Vthe curse' and says that all girls get it till they're old@ (hy +ould you +ant to put a
curse on all the girlsB $ord* it hurts so much sometimes in my stomach and !ack* 7 think
there's something +rong inside o# me@ 7'm so a#raid to that people +ill see* that it'll sho+
through@ 7t's !ad enough that it comes #rom there* !ut %od* +hy'd you have to make it redB
And $ord* i# it happens to every girl* +hy did you choose me to !e #irstB All the other girls
think 7'm@@@ a+#ul or something@ .lease*$ord* +hat 7'm askin' o# you is* please* make it go
a+ay@ 7 ask this in 'esus's name@ A-men
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.0&-0 7 8<+-1
'uliet
- )omeo* )omeoE +here#ore art though )omeoB
Deny thy #ather and #e#use thy nameK
-r* i# thou +ilt not* !e !ut s+orn my love*
And 7'll no longer !e a Capulet
'&is !ut thy name that is my enemy@
&hou art thysel* though not a Montague@
(hat's MontagueB 7t is nor hand* nor #oot*
,or arm* nor #ace* nor any other part
Belonging to a man@ -* !e some other nameE
(hat's in a nameB &hat +hich +e call a rose
By any other name +ould smell as s+eet@
So )omeo +ould* +ere he not )omeo called*
)etain that dearper#ection +hich he o+es
(ithought that title@ )omeo* do## thy nameK
And #or thy name* +hich is no part o# thee*
&ake all mysel#@
(hat man art though that* thus !escreened in night*
So stum!lest on my conselB
My ears have yet not drunk a hundred +ords
-# thy tongue's uttering* yet 7 kno+ the sound@
Art thou )omeo* and a MontagueB
"o+ camest thou hither* tell me* and +here#oreB
&he orchard +alls ar high and hard to clim!*
And the place death* considering +ho thou art*
7# any o# my kinsmen #ind thee here@
7# they do see thee* they +ill murder thee@
thou kno+est the mast o# night is on my #aceK
Else +ould a maiden !lush !epaint my cheek
or that +hick thou hast heard me speak to-night@
7# thou dost love* pronounce it #aith#ully
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.0031-.3
!y Milcha Sanche5-Scott
Chata
'uana* (ho taught you ho+ to make totillasB $ook at this@ 4ou call this a tortillaB "ave some
pride@ Sho+ him youFre a +oman@ Ah* you people donIt kno+ +hat it is to eat #resh
handmade tortillas@ My grandmother "ortensia* the one they used to call D$a 7ndia
CondenadaD ... she +ould start making them at #ive oIclock in the morning@ So the men
+ould have something to eat +hen they +ent into the #ields@ "iCoE She +as tough ... ?se to
!reak her o+n horses ... and her o+n men@ Every day at #ive oIclock she +ould +ake me up@
DBuenos pinchi dias*D she +ould say@ 7 +as t+elve or thirteen years old* still in !raids ...
D.ress your hands into the dough*D DCon #uer5a*D D.ut your stamp on it@D -ne day 7 +oke up*
tu sa!es* con la sangre@ DAhE So youIre a +oman no+@ %ot your cycle like the moon@ Soon
youIll +ant a man* +ell this is +hat you do@ (hen you see the one you +ant* you roll the
tortilla on the inside o# your thigh and then you give it to him nice and +arm@ Be sure you
give it to him and no!ody else@D (ell* 7 !een rolling tortillas on my thighs* on my nalgas* and
%od only kno+s +here else* !ut 7Ive !een giving my tortillas to the +rong men ... and thatIs
!een the pro!lem +ith my li#e@ irst there +as Emilio@ 7 gave him my #irst tortilla@ Ay
Mamacita* he use to say* these are delicious@ Aye* he +as handsome* a real lady-killerE A#ter
he did me the #avor he didnIt have the coCones to stick around ... took my &/ set too@
&heyIre all crap. :Sees 'e%tor enter; 4eah* "ector* 7 mean you* too@ Men are shit@ .ure shit@
&hey called me the encyclopedia o# love@ 4ou +ant to turn a #e+ pagesB 4our Aunt Chata
could sho+ you a #e+ things@ 7s that +hat #ascinates you* honeyB 7s that +hy 7 al+ays #ind
you peeping at me* mirrors at the keyhole* your eye!alls in the cracks spying +hen 7WMm
sleeping* smelling my kimono@ 7 ainFt drunk@ (hat 7 drink ainFt none o# your !usiness@ DonFt
tell me +hat to do* "ector@ 4ou got nothinF to say a!out it* you ainFt my man* and you ainFt
your mamaFs man@ &he sooner you learn that the !etter@ So* you take your rooster* leave it* eat
or sell it* !ut get out o# here@ (hat are you hanging around here #orB %o onE %et outE 7t ainFt
your home anymoreE
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3-A3$A2- W1% 3%A.,3 A9D DA9$-.3
by Don 9igro
&racy
7 donFt +ant to sit do+nE ineE 7Fm rela8ing@ 7s it going to make me less pregnantB 7 hate
children@ My #ather hates children@ "e hates ME@ &hatIs di##erentB (hy is it di##erentB 4a
kno+* you treat people like they +ere characters in !ooks@ 4ou have no sense o# cause and
e##ect@ 4ou have no sense o# reality@ 4ou have no sense@ 4ouIre an idiot@ &hey should lock
you up and eat the key@ 4ou donIt understand anything a!out anything@ And do you kno+
+hyB 7Ill tell you +hy@ 4ou canIt connect things up in your mind@ (hen 7 tell you 7Im going
to meet you someplace and you go and +ait there #or t+o hours and then come home and #ind
me sitting here eating a popsicle* +hat do you doB Do you yell at meB Do you !eat me upB Do
you thro+ me outB ,o@ 4ou come over and lick my popsicle@ $ike you e8pected me not to
come !ut you +aited any+ay and then you come home and act like youIre not even mad@ But
you D-,I& accept me@ 4ou donIt even SEE me@ 4ou see some nice little drippy-eyed girl
+ho Cust canIt help hersel# !ecause o# her un#ortunate childhood toilet training e8periences*
+hen in reality 7 am a normal healthy person +ho screams a lot and kno+s e8actly +hat sheIs
doing@ 4ou canIt !e any!odyIs #ather@ 4ouIre un#it@ 4ou canIt Cust ACCE.& your children@
4ouIve got to teach them ho+ to handle themselves and ho+ rotten the +orld is@ (e canIt
have a !a!y@ &hatIs another thing +rong +ith you@ 4ouIre al+ays trying to make the !est o#
things@ Do you reali5e +hat a pain in the ass that isB &here are many things you Cust canIt
make the !est out o#* and 7Im one o# them@ 7 am not domestica!le* 7 never (AS
domestica!le* and 7Im never going to BE domestica!le* so Cust #orget it@ Boy* 7 should have
got out o# here so #ast +hen 7 could have@ Ba!ies are the +orst trap there is@ &hey make you
old@ (eIll !e -$D@
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3%- WA3 +031 A9D 3 /0<9D
by .ichard %ensley
Sue
7 donFt kno+ i# 7 really +ant to marry (alter@ 7 kno+ 7 accepted his proposal* !ut* Mother*
you encouraged it@ May!e 7 +as so used to trying to please you that 7 Cust +ent alongJuntil*
!e#ore 7 kne+ itJ+e +ere engaged@ 4ou and Dad +ere certainly pleased a!out it@ 7 did not
say 7 didnIt love (alter@ 7 said 7Im not sure no+ that 7Im ready to marry him@ &hings Cust
arenIt as clear no+@ 4ou never really asked* did youB ,either o# you@ Mother* #or all o# my
li#e* you have planned my every move@ 4ou have created a per#ect daughter* and #or the past
t+o yearsJsince 'anie disappearedJ youIve !uried your li#e in +hat 7Ive !een doing@ 7Ive
!ecome the living antidote #or +hat 'anie did to our #amily reputation@ And you* Dad* youIve
al+ays petted your daughters and !ragged to others a!out ho+ charming +e +ereJthat is*
+hen you had time@ (eIve never really talked* have +eB (e donIt really kno+ each other
very +ell@ 4ouIve attended the important ceremonies o# our lives* and youIve paid our !ills@
But +hat did this tell you a!out us as individualsB or the last t+o years* youIve !een
involved +ith only t+o thingsJyour Co! and #inding 'anie@ &his has !een a silent household
+hen the three o# us have !een here@ "avenIt +e al+ays !een interested mostly in
achievements and in recognition* not in #eelings or personalitiesB (eIre in the same house
!ut on di##erent +ave lengths@ 7 +ant to !e looked on as something more than a Blue )i!!on
+inner at the Child Sho+@ 7J7 think 'anie did* too@ 4es* you sho+ed me you loved me* and
all you gave me you #ave #rom love@ 7 kno+ that@ 4es* you have given us a great deal@ 4ouIve
given us everything* and 7 do appreciate it@ But you didnIt give us a chance to give@ May!e
+e had something to give you . . . i# youId Cust let us@
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1%- 3;9 9 3D9-4 ?.<31-9C3 W9D0W
!y $orraine "ains!erry
0loria
"ey-Sid* lookit meE (hiskey* 7've Coined the human race@ ,o more goo#!all pills-7'm kicking
everything@ 7 did the +hole gooey #are+ell !it +ith some o# the kids@ Adios* MuchachasE 7'm
going to marry him@ 4es* 7 mean a#ter +e talk a!out it@ 7 +ouldn't unless 7 told him@ 7 kno+
girls +ho've done that@ Doesn't +ork outL you run into people@ ,ever +orks out@ 7'm going to
sit do+n and tell him-D7 +as a nineteen-year-old package o# #lu## #rom &renersville* ,o+here*
and 7 met this nothing +ho took one look at this !a!y #ace o# mine and said* '"oney* there's a
+hole special market #or you@ Slink is on the +ay outK all-American +holesomeness is the
rage@ 4ou'll !e part o# the aristocracy o# the pro#essionED (hich is true@ -nly they don't
e8actly descri!e the pro#ession@ A#ter that you develop your o+n rationalesL :a; D7t's old as
time anyho+ED :!; D7t's a service to societyED and :c; D&he real prostitutes are every!ody elseK
especially house+ives and career girls@D (e trade those gems !ack and #orth #or hours@
,o!ody !elieves it* !ut it helps on the !ad days@ And* s+eetie* there are a lot o# !ad days@ 7
+as on this date once* Sid@ "e had a !ook o# reproductions !y %oya@ And there +as this one-
an etching* 7 think@ "ave you ever seen itB &here's this +oman* a Spanish peasant +oman* and
she's standing like this-reaching out@ And +hat she's reaching #or are the teeth o# a dead man@
A man +ho'd !een hanged* And she is rigid +ith-revulsion* !ut she +ants his teeth* !ecause it
said in the !ook that in those days people thought that the teeth o# the dead +ere good luck@
Can you imagine thatB &he things some people think they have to doB &o survive in this
+orldB Some day 7'm going to !uy that print@ 7t's all a!out my li#eGA+* +hat the hell am 7
carrying on #or-the li#e !eats the hell out o# that nine-to-#ive Ca55-S7D,E4E ("A&
"A..E,ED &- M4 $7EEB 7'll !e t+enty-si8 this +inter and 7 have tried to kill mysel# three
times since 7 +as t+enty-threeG7 +as al+ays a+k+ardGBut 7'll make it@

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331-. &A.4 ;9A1<3 -D2+A93 1 A++ /0. 40<
!y Christopher Durang
Sister Mary
(reads) Are you ever sorry you !ecame a nunB 7 am never sorry 7 !ecame a nun@ (reads) 7t
used to !e a mortal sin to eat meat on ridays* and no+ it isn't@ Does that mean that people
+ho ate meat on ridays !ack +hen it +as a sin are in hellB -r +hatB .eople +ho ate meat on
ridays !ack+hen it +as a mortal sin are indeed in hell i# they did not con#ess the sin !e#ore
they died@ 7# they con#essed it* they are not in hell* unless they did not con#ess some other
mortal sin they committed@ .eople +ho +ould eat meat on ridays !ack in the >6s tended to
!e the sort +ho+ould commit other mortal sins* so on a guess* 7 !et many o# them are in hell
#or other sins* even i# they did con#ess the eating o# meat@ (reads) (hat e8actly +ent on in
SodomB (ho asked me this AuestionB 7'm going to talk a!out Sodom a !it@ &o ans+er your
Auestion* Sodom is +here they committed acts o# homose8uality and !estiality in the -ld
&estament* and %od* in#uriated !y this* destroyed them all in one #ell s+oop@ Modern day
Sodoms are ,e+ 4ork City* San rancisco* Amsterdam* $os Angeles*@@@ +ell* !asically
any+here +here the population in over >6*666@ &he only reason that %od has not destroyed
these modern day Sodoms is that Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities* and %od does
not +ish to destroy them@ "e does* ho+ever* give these people !ody lice and hepatitis@ 7t's so
hard to kno+ +hy %od allo+s +ickedness to
#lourish@ 7 guess it's !ecause %od +ants man to choose goodness #reely o# his o+n #ree +illK
sometimes one +onders i# #ree +ill is +orth all the trou!le i# there's going to !e so much evil
and unhappiness* !ut %od kno+s !est* presuma!ly@ 7# it +ere up to me* 7 might !e tempted to
+ipe out cities and civili5ations* !ut luckily #or ,e+ 4ork and Amsterdam* 7'm not %od@
(reads) &ell us some more a!out your #amily@ 7 had 3S !rothers and sisters@ rom my #amily >
!ecame priests* R !ecame nuns* 9 !ecame !rothers* and the rest o# them +ere institutionali5ed@
My mother +as also institutionali5ed shortly a#ter she started thinking my #ather +as Satan@
Some days +hen +e +ere little* +e'd come home and not !e a!le to #ind our mother and +e'd
pray to St@ Anthony to help us #ind her@ &hen +hen +eFd #ind her +ith her head in the oven*
+e +ould pray to St@ 'ude to make her sane again@ Are all our prayers ans+eredB 4es* they
areK +hat people +ho ask that Auestion o#ten donFt reali5e is that sometimes the ans+er to our
prayer is Dno@D Dear %od* please make my mother not !e cra5y@ %odFs ans+erL no@ Dear %od*
please let me recover #orm cancer@ %odFs ans+erL no@ Dear %od* please take a+ay this
toothache@ %odFs ans+erL alright* !ut youFre going to !e run over !y a car@ But every !ad
thing that happens to us* %od has a special reason #or@ %od is the good shepherd* +e are "is
#lock@ And i# %od is grouchy or !usy +ith more important matters* his !eloved mother Mary
is al+ays there to intercede #or us@ 7 shall no+ sing the "ail Mary in $atin@
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3ister &ary gnatius -Hplains it all for 4ou A
Diane
.y= Christo&her Durang
S-+A-*)= A young woman tries to %o&e with her motherGs death$ while maintaining sanity
with her own life.
(hen 7 +as si8teen my mother got !reast cancer* +hich spread@ 7 prayed to god to let her
su##ering !e small* !ut her su##ering seemed to me Auite e8treme@ She +as in !ad pain #or hal#
a year* and then terri!le pain #or much o# a #ull year@ &he ulcerations on her !ody +ere
horri#ying to her and to me@ "er last #e+ +eeks she slipped into a semiconscious state* +hich
allo+ed her* un#ortunately* to +ake up #or a #e+ minutes at a time and to have a #ull
a+areness o# her pain and her #ear o# death@ She +as a!le to recogni5e me* and she +ould try
to cry* !ut she +as una!le toK and to speak* !ut she +as una!le to@ 7 think she +anted me to
get her ne+ doctorsK she never realy accepted that her disease +as going to kill her* and she
thought in her panic that her doctors must !e incompetent and that ne+ ones could magically
cure her@ &hen* thank goodness* he +ent into a #ull coma@ A nurse +ho 7 kne+ to !e Catholic
assured me that everything +ould !e done to keep her alive - a du!ious com#ort@ "appily* the
doctor +as not Catholic* or i# he +as* not doctrinaire* and they didn't use e8traordinary means
to keep her aliveK and she #inally died a#ter several more +eeks in her coma@
,o+ there are* 7'm sure* #ar +orse deaths- terri!le !urnings* tortures* plague* pestilence*
#amineK Christ on the cross even* as sister likes to say@ But 7 thought my mother's death +as
hard enough* and 7 got con#used as to +hy 7 had !een praying and to +hom@ 7 mean* i# prayer
+as really this sort o# !utton you pressed- admit you need the $ord* then "e stops the
su##ering- then +hy didn't it al+ays +orkB -# ever +orkB And +hen it +orked so-called* and
our prayers +ere supposedly ans+ered* +asn't it as likely to !e chance as %odB %od al+ays
ans+ers our prayers* you said* "e Cust sometimes says no@ 7 !ecame angry at mysel# * and !y
e8tension at you* #or ever having e8pected anything !eyond randomness #rom the +orld@ And
+hile 7 +as thinking these things* the day that my mother died* 7 +as raped@ ,o+ 7 kno+
that's really too much* one really loses all sympathy #or me !ecause 7 sound like 7'm making it
up or something@ But !ad things happen all at once* and this particular day on my return #rom
the hospital 7 +as raped !y some maniac +ho !roke into the house@ "e had a kni#e and cut me
up some@ Any+ay* 7 don't +ant to really go into the e8perience* !ut 7 got really depressed #or
a!out #ive years@ Someho+ the utter randomness o# things- my mother's su##ering* my attack
!y a lunatic- this randomness seemed intolera!le@ 7 !lamed mysel# o# course* #or letting all o#
this get to me@@@@@ But no+* 7 think it is childish to look #or !lame* part o# the randomness o#
things is that there is no one to !lameK !ut !asically 7 think everything is your #ault Sister@
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3+0W DA9$- 09 1%- ,++9; ;.0<9D
!y (illiam "anley
#*S!
7# you kne+ me !etter* you'd see that this is e8actly the kind o# thing that's likely to happen to
me@ %etting knocked up* 7 mean@ &he point is it +as my #irst time* 7 +as a virgin !e#ore that@
(ouldn't you kno+ it* 7'd get caughtB Aside #rom everything else* 7'm not lucky* either@ 4ou
see* i# 7 +as lucky* "arold and 7 could've succum!ed to our silly little passion and that
+ould've !een that* the end o# it@ And ,e+ )ochelle* o# all places@ At least i# it'd !een in some
nice apartment in the /illage* say* +ith the sound coming through the +indo+ o# tra##ic and
people* the !ree5e !lo+ing the curtain over the !ed* like in the movies@ But no@ 7 lost my
virginity in the attic o# an old house in ,e+ )ochelle@ "arold's grandmother's house@ -n a
rainy day in spring on the #loor o# the attic in his grandmothers house* listening to the rain on
the roo#* !reathing the dust o# old things@@@And +hat comes ne8t !ut his grandmother +ho +as
supposed to !e in the city #or the day@ But instead* she's suddenly standing there* screamingL
DStop thatE Stop that this instantED ,eedless to say* it +as out o# the Auestion@ Stopping@ At
that particular moment@ 7 mean* se8 is like a #light over the sea* one reaches the point o# no
return@@@7 guess it sounds #unny no+* !ut you kno+* at the time@@@it +as pretty rotten@ Sordid* 7
mean@@@it +asn't at all the +ay it's supposed to !e@ And "arold* o# all people@ A girl #inds
hersel# in this predicament* this condition* she'd at least like to think the cause o# it +as some
clever* handsome guy +ith charm and e8perience* Cust returned #rom spending a year in
)ome* say* on a %uggenheim #ello+ship@ But "arold@ "arold is si8 #oot t+o* a!out a hundred
and t+enty #ive pounds* tops* and an Economics maCor at CC,4@@@&hat's a!out the !est 7'll
ever !e a!le to do* 7 kno+ it@ Ever since 7 #ound out 7 +as pregnant 7've !een +alking around
+ith a #ace do+n to here and my mother kept saying* D(hat's the matter +ith you* any+ayB 7
Cust don't kno+ +hat's gotten into you lately@D So* #inally* 7 told herL a kid named "arold* as a
matter o# #act@ -h* +ell* 7 Cust keep telling mysel#L D)emem!er* )ose* like in the
song@@@Someday my prince +ill come@D
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31A;- D00.
By Edna er!er 0 %eorge S@ Kau#man
eri
7 #eel so lo+ !ecause this sho+ closed a#ter only = per#ormances@ &he idiotic part o# it is that 7
didnIt #eel so terri!le a#ter the #irst minute@ 7 thought* +ell* KeithIs coming around a#ter the
sho+* and +eIll go to SmittyIs and sit there and talk and it +onIt seem so !ad@ But he never
sho+ed up@ 7 donIt e8pect Keith to !e like other people@ 7 +ouldnIt +ant him to !e@ -ne o#
the things that makes him so much #un is that heIs di##erent@ 7# he #orgets an appointment itIs
!ecause heIs +orking and doesnIt notice@ -nly 7 +ish he had come tonight@ 7 needed him so@
Kaye* 7Im #rightened@ or the #irst time* 7Im #rightened@ 7tIs three years no+ since 7Fve !een
trying to !e a pro#essional actress@ &he #irst year it didnIt matter so much@ 7 +as so young@
,o!ody +as ever as young as 7 +as@ 7 thought* they Cust donIt kno+@ But 7Ill get a good start
and sho+ them@ 7 didnIt mind anything in those days@ ,ot having any money* or Auite enough
#oodK and a pair o# silk stockings al+ays a maCor investment@ 7 didnIt mind !ecause 7 #elt so
sure that that +onder#ul part +as going to come along@ But it hasnIt@ And suppose it doesnIt
ne8t yearB Suppose it never comesB 7 kno+ 7 can al+ays go home@@@@and marry some home-
to+n !oyJlike $ouise did@7 canIt Cust go home and plump mysel# do+n on Dad@ 4ou kno+
+hat a country doctor makesE (hen 7 +as little 7 never kne+ ho+ poor +e +ere* !ecause
mother made everything seem so glamorousJso much #un@ Even i# 7 +as sick it +as a lot o#
#un* !ecause then 7 +as allo+ed to look at her scrap!ook@ 7 even used to pretend to !e sick*
Cust to look at itJand that took acting* +ith a doctor #or a #ather@ 7 adored that scrap-!ook@ All
those rep-company actors in +ooden attitudesJ7 remem!er a +onder#ul picture o# mother as
Esmeralda@ 7t +as the last part she ever played* and she never #inished the per#ormance she
#ainted* right in the middle o# the last act@ &hey rang do+n and some!ody said* D7s there a
doctor in the houseBD And there +as@ And he married her@ -nly #irst she +as sick #or +eeks
and +eeks@ -# course the company had to leave her !ehind@ &hey thought sheId catch up +ith
them any +eek* !ut she never did@ 7 kno+ no+ that she missed it every minute o# her li#e@ 7
think i# Dad hadnIt !een such a gentle darling* and not so dependent on her* she might have
gone o## and taken me +ith her@ 7Id have !een one o# those children !rought up in dressing
rooms* sleeping in trunk trays* getting my voca!ulary #rom stage-hands@ (As she %reams her
fa%e.) But she didnIt@ She lived out the rest o# her li#e right in that little to+n* !ut she +as
stage-struck to the end@ &here never +as any dou!t in her mindJ7 +as going to !e an actress@
7t +as almost a spiritual thing* like !eing dedicated to the church@
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31A9109C3 ;A.A;-
!y 'oan Ackerman
Mary
:on the &hone; Addie* itIs Mary* hon* ho+ are youB 4ou havenIt seen Denny today* have
you* Ms he !een !yB ,o@ (ell* Cust got a notion he might have stopped in* pick up his mail@ -h
yes* 7 heard@ Spoiled 36*666 gallons* !lood got in the milk@ 7 kno+* 7 kno+@ (ell* that age@
4oung "arlon hereId poke the crack o# da+n i# he could catch it@ So* Cust thought 7Id check@
4ou take care* Addie@ ('angs u&.) Sourpuss@ &hat +oman +as +eaned on a pickle@ (Loo(s
out window.) (ho is itB Should have kno+n@ &rudy Mmsko##* ugly enough to make a train
take a dirt road@ 7# my dog +as that ugly 7Id shave his ass and make him +alk !ack+ards@
(She dials &hone while loo(ing at old &hotos.) -h my $ord* +ill you look at that* Bonnie in
her prom dress@ Audrey come take a look@ Bonnie in her prom dress +ith her daddy* out #ront
!y the old pumps@ $ook ho+ skinny Steve is@ "e never did have a !utt@ (-nto &hone.) "uhB
(hoIs thisB 'im +hoB (hatB 'imE 7 clear #orgot 7 called you@ "o+Id you kno+ it +as meB
(o Audrey.) $ook at this one here@ &hen again 4ou havenIt seen Denny* have youB Mm@ "e
+andered o##* !een gone all a#ternoon@ ,ope@ 7 tried him@ ,ope@ Called him@ Called her@ (ell*
i# you could ask around* heIs got me +orried@ 7# you track him do+n* tell him to give a call
here@ "ey* 'im@ (Lowering her "oi%e.) 4ou donIt kno+ /olvos* do youB Silvie hereIs got one
+onIt start@ MHH 3=6@ 4ou kno+* that +as my very #irst thought* 7 +as thinking might !e the
!rain@ 4es* 7 do@ 7 remem!er /ic and them lookinI at that car three days couldnIt #igure out
+hat it needed@ .ut in a ne+ !rain* started right up@ (ell* thanks #or calling@ "o+Is your armB
Keep it rested* hearB See you at the game@ ('angs u&.) or the love o# %od* thereIs a turtle on
the #loor@ A turtle@ -n the #loor@ ,o+ +hat in your tiny little head !rought you here@ ,ature is
Cust one mystery a#ter another@ (Leans o"er.) 7Ill pick him up@ (,i%(s him u&.) Are you a pet or
are you +ildB 4ouIre a+#ul cute@ $ike an )/* little (inne!ago* +herever you park* youIre
home@ Care #or a saltineB (ell no+* "arlon canIt decide +hich ear to pierce@ She says right
ear* he says le#t@ She says le#t ear means heIs gay* men +ill think heIs +illinI@ 7 say i# youIre
already +alking the planet +ith a permanent hard-on* giving every man* +oman and species
you meet a +elcome ho+dy-do* +hat di##erence does it makeB
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31A. 32A9;+-D ;.+
!y ,eil Simon
S*,'-!
Ah've come to say good!ye@ Ah #ro5e a do5en #ritters #or you and !e care#ul in the kitchen* ah
Cust +a8ed the #loor@ My !us is leavin' #or "unnicut in #i#teen minutes@ ,o+* ,orman* Ah'm
not leaven' !ecause o# you@ Ah don't !lame you #or the cra5y +ay you !een actin' lately@ ah
understand it no+@ &here are some things in li#e +e Cust can't control@ or no reason at all
something strange and mysti#yin' hits us and there's nothin' any!ody can do a!out it e8cept
Cust sit and +ait and hope it goes a+ay Cust as #ast as it came@ ?n#ortunately ah don't see mine
goin' a+ay in the #oreseea!le #uture and that's +hy ah decided ah can't marry $ieutenant Burt
enneman and that's +hy ah'm gettin' on the !us to "unnicut an' ah can't say another +ord or
else ah'll start cryin' all over this room@ Andy "o!artE 4ou e8pect me to stay here +ith me
#eelin' the +ay ah #eel and you #eelin' the +ay you don'tB@@@Mr@ "o!art* i# ah +asn't a#raid ah'd
miss mah !us* ah'd really tell you somethin'@ (ell* ah'll tell you any+ay@ 4ou're right@ Ah may
!e provincial and old-#ashioned@ Ah may !elieve in a lot o# things like patriotism and the
Constitution !ecause that's the +ay ah +as !rought up* and that's the +ay ah #eel@ &he trou!le
+ith you is you can't #eel@ 4ou can't #eel* you can't see* you can't hear and oh* !oy* you can't
smellE All you can do is think@ But until you learn to use all those +onder#ul gadgets that
nature has given you* you are only one-#i#th o# a man@ ?n#ortunately !y the time you get them
all +orkin' and reali5e you are cra5y a!out me* ah +ill !e !ack home in mah high school
gymnasium gettin' in shape #or ne8t year's -lympics@ 7# you +ant mah advice* ah suggest you
take those pennies and visit an eye* ear* nose and throat man@ And may!e you out to see a
dentist* too@ Because mah #ormer #iance* not happy +ith the recent turn o# events* is on his
+ay over here to separate your teeth #rom your #ace@ Did you hear +hat ah saidB &here's an
eight-#oot Marine on his +ay here to !eat you upE 7 +ish ah could stay to see it@ Ah'm leavinE
Back to "unnicut@ And startin' tomorro+ ah'm gonna s+im a mile everyday #rom no+ until
ne8t summer@ Every American has to do +hat he does !est #or his country and ah-can-s+imE
7'm usin' your phone one more time@ %imme (estern ?nionE And +hat you did to !lacken
America's good name +ith your protestin'' maga5ine ah +ill +hite+ash +ith mah !ackstroke
at the -lympics@ (into the &hone) Ah'd like to send a telegram* please@ &o Mr@ Andre+ "o!art*
32R Chestnut "ill* San rancisco@ @@@Dear Mr@ "o!art@ (hether you like it or not* ah pledge
allegiance to the #lag o# the ?nited States o# America@@@and to the )epu!lic #or +hich it stands*
one nation* under %od* indivisi!le* +ith $i!erty and 'ustice #or all@@@Sing that DA .atriotD@@@
and send it collect@
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31.--1 $A. 9A&-D D-3.-
!y &ennesse (illiams
.lan%he
7* 7* - took the !lo+s in my #ace and my !odyE All o# those deathsE &he long parade to the
graveyardE ather* MotherE Margaret* that dread#ul +ayE So !ig +ith it* couldn't !e put in a
co##inE But had to !e !urned like ru!!ishE 4ou Cust came home in time #or the #unerals* Stella@
And #unerals are pretty compared to deaths@ unerals are Auiet* !ut deaths- not al+ays@
Sometimes their !reathing is hoarse* and sometimes it rattles* and sometimes they even cry
out to you* DDon't let me goED Even the old* sometimes* say* DDon't let me go@D As i# you +ere
a!le to stop themE But #unerals are Auiet* +ith pretty #lo+ers@ And* oh* +hat gorgeous !o8es
they pack them a+ay inE ?nless you +ere there at the !ed +hen they cried out* D"old meED
you'd never suspect there +as a struggle #or !reath and !leeding@ 4ou didn't dream* !ut 7 sa+E
Sa+E Sa+E And no+ you sit here telling me +ith your eyes that 7 let the place goE "o+ in hell
do you think all that sickness and dying +as paid #orB Death is e8pensive* Miss StellaE And
old Cousin 'essie's right a#ter Margaret's* hersE (hy* the %rim )eaper had put up his tent on
our doorstepE B Stella@ Belle )eve +as his headAuartersE (hich o# them le#t us a #ortuneB
(hich o# them le#t a cent o# insurance evenB -nly poor 'essie- one hundred to pay #or her
co##in@ &hat +as all* StellaE And 7 +ith my piti#ul salary at the school@ 4es* accuse meE Sit
there and stare at me* thinking 7 let the place goE 7 let the place goB (here +ere youE 7n !ed
+ith your- .olackE
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A 31.--1$A. 9A&-D D-3.- A
!y &ennessee (illiams
.LA)C'!

7 understand +hat it is to !e lonely@ 7 loved someone* too* and the person 7 loved 7 lost@ "e
+as a !oy* Cust a !oy* +hen 7 +as a very young girl@ (hen 7 +as si8teen* 7 made the
discovery--love@ All at once and much* much too completely@ 7t +as like you suddenly turned
a !linding light on something that had al+ays !een hal# in shado+* that's ho+ it struck the
+orld #or me@ But 7 +as unlucky@ Deluded@ &here +as something di##erent a!out the !oy* a
nervousness* a so#tness* tenderness +hich +asn't like a man's although he +asn't the least !it
e##eminate looking-- still--that thing +as there@@@"e came to me #or help@ 7 didn't kno+ that@ 7
didn't #ind out anything till a#ter our marriage +hen +e'd run a+ay and come !ack and all 7
kne+ +as 7'd #ailed him in some mysterious +ay and +asn't a!le to give him the help he
needed* !ut couldn't speak o#E "e +as in the Auicksands clutching at me--!ut 7 +asn't holding
him out* 7 +as slipping in +ith himE 7 didn't kno+ that@ 7 didn't kno+ anything e8cept 7 loved
him unendura!ly !ut +ithout !eing a!le to help him or help mysel#@ &hen 7 #ound out@ 7n the
+orst o# all possi!le +ays@ By suddenly coming into a room that 7 thought +as empty--+hich
+asn't empty* !ut had t+o people in it@@@the !oy 7 married and an older man +ho had !een his
#riend #or years@ A#ter+ards +e pretended that nothing had !een discovered@ 4es* +e all drove
out to Moon $ake Casino* very drunk and laughing all the +ay@ (e danced the /arsouvianaE
Suddenly* in the middle o# the dance* the !oy 7 had married !roke a+ay #rom me and ran out
o# the Casino@ A #e+ moments later--a shotE 7 ran out* all did--all ran and gathered around this
terri!le thing at the edge o# the lakeE 7 couldn't get near #or the cro+ding@ &hen some!ody
caught my arm@--DDon't go any closerE Come BackE 4ou don't +ant to seeED SeeB See +hatB
&hen 7 heard voices say* DAllanE AllanE &he %ray !oyED "e'd stuck a revolver into his mouth
and #iredE--so that the !ack o# his head had !een !lo+n a+ayE 7t +as !ecause* on the dance
#loor--una!le to stop mysel#--7'd suddenly said--D7 kno+E 7 sa+E 4ou disgust meED And then
the searchlight +hich had !een turned on the +orld +as turned o## again and never #or one
moment since has there !een any light stronger than this kitchen candle@
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3<&&-.1.--
!y )on Co+en
Mother
4ou kno+* +hen it comes* you think itIs going to !e a terri!le surprise* that youIll tear it up
or +ad it into a little !all* that youIll scream or go insane@ -r at least cry@ But you donIt@ 4ou
kno+ itIs happened !e#ore the telegram arrives@ Something in your mind heard the clicks o#
the teletype machine addressing you as DDear Mr@ and Mrs@ so-an so*D and adding its deep#elt
regrets* !e#ore you even see the paper@ 7 +ent out in the !ack yard and sat do+n in the grass
under the tree@ 7tIs !een years since 7Ive sat in the grass@ So 7 sat there and 7 thought !ack to
+hen +e had this 7rish Setter @ her name +as %inger@ "er #ull name +as %ingerella o# Brian-
+oodJthe only royalty 7Ive ever met@ 7t +as #unny to !e thinking a!out an old dog at a time
like that* !ut thatIs +hat 7 +as thinking@ 7 remem!ered ho+ 7 used to pretend 7 +as crying
!ecause it +ould upset her@ SheId run over and Cump on meJand she +as a very !ig dogJ
and sheId +hine and lick my #ace@ She really thought 7 +as crying@ &hen 7 +ould !urst out
laughing and push her a+ay@ -ne day she got sick and 7 had to take her to the vet@ "e said she
+ould have to stay there* and to take her upstairs +here he had a room #ull o# cages +here he
kept the dogs@ %inger +as so sick she could hardly get up the stairs@ 7 tried to help her* !ut all
my pushing and pulling pro!a!ly hurt her more@ (hen +e got into the room* all the dogs
started !arking and lumping around@ 7t scared %inger and she tried to run a+ay@ But she could
hardly move@ So she Cust cried@ 7 led her into her cage and then 7 ran do+n those stairs* so glad
to !e a+ay #rom there@ 7 never sa+ %inger again@ She died* and 7 guess they tossed her into
the incinerator some+here@ 7 never cried until that day in the !ack yard@ (,ause.) And 7 donIt
even kno+ i# 7 +as crying #or %inger @ @ @ or my Son@
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34+6A
!y A@)@ %urney
a dog
"eyE 7Fm looking around@ 7 gotta get used to things@ 7Fm not ready to sit@ 7Fm too nervous to
sit@ 7Fm +orried a!out +here 7 sleep@ Do 7 sleep on this couchB :#ea%ts to a qui%( sma%(;
-uch@ 7Fm sitting* 7Fm sitting@ 4ou donFt have to hit* you kno+@ 7t most certainly did hurt@ 4ou
ought to !e sorry@ -@k@ :Master reads$ Syl"ia sits loo(ing at him; 7 love you@ 7 really do@ Even
+hen you hit me* 7 love you@ 7 think youFre %od* i# you +ant to kno+@ 7 +ant to sit near you@
,earer* my %od* to thee@ 4ou saved my li#e@ 4ou did@ 4ou saved my goddamn life@ 7 never
+ouldhave survived out there on my o+n@ -h no* not Cust anyone +ould have done the same
thing@ Someone else might have ignored me@ -r shooed me a+ay@ -r even turned me in@ ,ot
you@ 4ou +elcomed me +ith open arms@ 7 really appreciate that@ 7 hardly kne+ +here to tunr@
7 +as !eginning to panic@ 7 thought my days +ere num!ered@ &hen there you +ere@ 7 #elt some
immediate connection@ DidnFt youB 7 #eel it no+@ 7 kno+ you +ill try to give me a good home@
And 7Fll try to sho+ my appreciation@ :'earing something$ she begins to bar(;"eyE "eyE
"eyE "eyE "eyE "eyE SomeoneFs thereE :#ea%ting; &his is your +i#e* KateB "ello* Kate@ 7Fm
Cust trying to make #riends@ 4ou donFt like me* do youB 4ou donFt like dogs@ 4ouFre
preCudiced@ 7 think youFre preCudiced against dogs@ -@k@* #ine@ ,o pro!lem@ 7Fll Cust stay out o#
your hair@ :Ste&s onto %ou%h and settles; -##B MeB 4ou speaking to meB 7Fm Cust rela8ing@
CanFt 7 even rela8B EasyE &ake it easyE @@@@'esusE 7Fve sat on couches !e#ore* you kno+@ 7Fve
sat on plenty o# couches@ :0etting u&$ easing onto the %hair; Cant 7 at least sit on a chairB
,oEB :Slum&ing ba(% onto the floor; Crap@ .iss@ (hat do you mean this is not going to +orkB
&he poundBBB "ey* 7Fm sitting* arenFt 7B 7Fm sitting on the #loor@ $ook ho+ Auickly 7 sat@ -@K@
7 get the picture@ 7Fll avoid the #urniture@ 7Fm not dum!@ 7 donFt mind@ 7Fll sleep@ 7Kll che+
things@ All right* 7 won>t che+ things@ 'ust sho+ me the rules and 7Fll #ollo+ them* 7 s+ear@
:She wat%hes Kate go off; Dig her2 She doesnFt like me@ She makes me nervous@ 7 sense the
clock ticking a+ay@ 7t took her t+o years to say sheFd marry youBEB &+o yearsEB 'esus* %regE
7# you multiply that !y seve +hy thatFs@@@um@@@carry the t+o@@@7 make that #ourteen years* dog
timeE &hatFs too long* %regE CanFt 7 do something to speed things upB 7Fm tired o# !eign Cust a
houseguest around here@ 7 +ant to #eel totally at home@ :She loo(s at the moon that 0reg has
&ointed out to her; 4eah@ ,ice moon@@@@@7 suppose youFd like me to sit ado+n and ho+l at itB
(ell* 7 donFt think 7 can do that* %reg@ Sorry@ 7 like to think 7Fve gro+n !eyond that kind o#
!ehavior@ 7 think 7Fll Cust take my nap@
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1aken in &arriage
ByL &homas Ba!e
#+'
Situation= A))-! rembers her father as ;a lo"ely man.; Andy %alls him ;a monster.; She
ad"ises her nai"e little sister against getting married. #+'$ now a widow$ %ontributes her
two %ents.
7t +as a small point@ 7 may seem the smallest part o# a #ool* and Annie and Andrea may think
+orse* !ut 7'm not@ 7'm shre+d* a#ter my #ashion@ and 7 got that +ay #rom living +ith "arry*
day in and day out* #or lo+ those* and hight those* t+enty6#ive years@ (e merely ran together*
into each other* !ack and #orth* #or t+enty-#ive years* so that you could not have separated us
i# you tried* it +as not even the distance o# a #eather@ (e !egan in an intimacy o# a rare sort*
and ended that +ay* or +ould've* i# 7 had !een a!le to make it to the hospital !e#ore he made
his departure #rom this +orld@ ,o+* +hat 7 am saying +ill not make much sense* or !e o#
much importance* i# you !elieve that all these marriages that are per#ormed in tunics and on
#ields or a!oard #erries going around Manhattan island* or +here they read 'ohn Donne and
&od McKuren and make up vo+s a!out sharing the housekeeping and !earing analysts' !ills
mutually@@@ i# you !elive those ceremonies* as they are still called* are ought more that
contracts o# employment #or a certian period to !e terminated at the +il on one or the other o#
the mutual contractor* or !y consent* or +hen it ain't no #un no mo'* then 7 +ill seem +orse
than a #ool* 7 +ill !e your village idiot@ But there +ere times +hen 7 !reathed +hen he
!reathed* +hen he couldn't have !een more than a!out a thousand miles a+ay and he had that
pain he got !ehind his #orehead or his knee +ent out and 7 +ould Cust kno+ it@ 'ust the same
+ay 7 kne+* that thousand miles a+ay* +hen he +as shacked up +ith some dear little thing
and 7'd kno+@ "e'd come home and +ouldn't even #eel it necessary to !e ashamed or +histle a
lot* 7'd kno+* he'd kno+ 7 kne+* 7 kne+ he kne+ 7 kne+* and +e'd have a good laugh any+ay@
7t +as* and it is* al+ays* more important to !e loyal than anything else in the +orld !ecause*
love* romantic love* #resh lust* 7 pre#er to call it* is transitory* converti!le* stenuous*
e8pensive* a little vacuous and evacuating* thrilling and oh so #ragile* so unlikely* so unlike
anything that #eels like a place to put one's head do+n@ "e +as cruel to me* "arry indi##erent*
pro#ane mostly@@@@ at the +orst* he simply scre+ed me* +ithout concern* and my !ody might
Cust as +ell have !een his o+n hand in the Cohn* pouring over those maga5ines he kept in the
desk that 7 #ound +hen 7 had to clean up a#ter he passed on so suddenly@ But there +as* over
all* at the !eginning al+ays* in glorious !ursts* sometimes in sustained long lento times* all
+e* each o# us* could have eer cared #or or +anted* so much so that to !e !itter a!out the !ad
parts is to !e* +ell* 7 think* do+nright crappy@ :,ause.) 7 +ant you to remem!er that* Annie@
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1W0 /0. 1%- 3--3AW
by William ;ibson
0ittel
She is &regnant and her boyfriend does not (now she is...she is also at the first stages of a
mis%arriage.
All right* 'erry* 7Ill tell you the truth@ 7J (She loo(s for where to begin.) A!out tonight and
me getting together +ith 'ake* 7Jdid +ant to go to rank &au!manIs@ -nly 7 donIt #it in +ith
your classy #riends@ $ike your e8 +i#e &ess +ould@ (hat do you think* 7 donIt kno+B (She is
hugging herself$ trying to smile.) 7 mean all 7 am is +hat 7 am@ $ike (ally* he +anted me to
get !races on my teeth* 7 said so #ace it* 7 got a couple o# !uck teeth* +hat did 7 keep it* such a
secretB 7 said you got to take me the +ay 7 am* 7 got these teeth@ But 7Im not &ess@ And sheIs
all you !een thinking a!out since the minute +e met@ 4es@ So +hatIs 'ake* aJpiece o# penny
candy@ 7tIs like +hen 7 +as a kid* +e used to neck in the vesti!ule* sheIs inside you and 7Im
al+ays in the vesti!uleE 4ou never gave me a chance@ -kay* !ut then you say Dneed you@D 7
need you* 7 need you* +ho has to say everything in !lack and +hiteB (She rises to %onfront
him$ &ressing the (eel of her hand into her stoma%h.) But i# you +ant 7 should o# Cust laid
do+n and said Cump on me* no* 'erry@ ,o@ Cause 7 kne+ all the time you had it in the !ack o#
your head toJprove something to herJ&o her@ Everything you gave me +as to sho+ her*
you couldnIt +ait #or a goddam letter to get to her@ So +hen youCas( me toJhand mysel#
over on a platterJ (She has endea"ored to be dis&assionate$ but now it is welling u& to a
huge a%%usatory out%ry=) or +hatB or what? (hatIll 7 get? 'ake* 7 pay a penny* get a penny
candy* !ut you* youIre aJ!ig ten-!uck !o8 and all 7Ill get is the cellophaneE You shortA
%hange &eo&le$ 1erry2 (She hugs herself$ tense$ waiting till she has hold of herself.) And thatIs
the truth@ &hatIs +hat you did this time@ (Des&erate.) 7Im not talking a!out her no+* thatIs
e8actly +hat 7Im talking a!outE So 7 tried 'ake@ -kay* a Cerk@ So +eIre !oth #lops@ 'erryE
DonIt goE &he main thing - did in 'akeIs +asJ#aint in the Cohn@ &hatIs +hen 7 #ound 7J
('er "oi%e brea(s$ the tremor in it is out as a sob.) 7Im !leeding* 'erryE 7tIs +hy 7 +as so
thirsty* 7ImJscared* 'erry* this time 7Im scared to !e !leedingJ"elp me* 'erryE (/ee&ing.)
'erry* donIt hate my guts@ 7 didnIt +ant to trap youJtrap you in anything youJ 7 hate my
goddam guts* 7Im so ashamed* !ut donIt leave- DonIt leave me* donIt leave meJ
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6A91-3
!y 'ack "ie#ner
Mary
7 love that #oot!all team@ &here they are* out there getting killed #or the school@ Sometimes 7
think all those people in the stands Cust +ant to have a good time@ 7tIs the !andIs #ault@ &hey
play at the +orst times@ &hey never look to see +hat +eIre doing@ Sometimes they start D&he
Ba!y Elephant (alkD right in the middle o# our yells@ 7# they play DMoonriverD again tonight
7Ill scream@ 7t puts everyone in a do+n mood@ 7-lo+ can you make a touchdo+n +hen theyIre
playing DMoonriverDB Every!ody goes to sleep@ (ell* thereIs nothing +e can do a!out the
!and@ 'ust ignore them@ &heyIre no good any+ay@ &heyIre all creeps@ All those girls +ith
glasses and pimples@ All those !oys +ith glasses and pimples@ CreepsE "o+ many girls in the
!and have ever !een elected to anything in this schoolB Oero@ &he girls in the !and are the
+orst@ And those maCorettes go to the other e8treme@ 7 donIt kno+ +hy !ecoming a t+irler
automatically makes a girl easy@ $ook at Sarah@ 7 used to like her* !ut the very minute she
!ecame a maCorette her reputation +ent do+nhill@ My mother said i# she ever caught me going
out #or a coke in the same car +ith Sarah* sheId ground me@ Said that Sarah +as trash and her
+hole #amily acted like trash and* i# 7 associated +ith trash* 7Id get +hat +as coming to me@
And +hat makes me #urious is that the !oys love her@ )espect her they donIt@ $ove her they
do@ 7# Sarah +ants to make-out* 7 +ish she'd Cust do it in the car@ ,ot in the sho+@ 'im +as so
hot a#ter +atching Sarah* that +e !arely got to to the car !e#ore he +as all over me@ &he ideas
are already in their heads@ Sarah Cust puts them in their hands@ "eFll try@ &hey all try@ 'im loves
me* !ut ever night itIs a !attle@ 7 Cust turn to him and say* M'im* keep your pecker in your
pants@II 7 Cust +orry a!out +hat 'im +ill try ne8t@ 7 mean* +hen +e started dating* 7 let him
kiss me@ &hen +e +ent steady and 7 let him kiss me and touch me lightly@@ . on the top only@
&hen he gave me his #oot!all letter Cacket to +ear@ 7 let him ru! up against me* !ut all clothes
on mind you@ ,o+ heIs giving me his #oot!all Cersey@ 7 guess he can put his hand under my
!ra@ But +ith every gi#t* 7 give in a little more@ "eIs got more gi#ts lined up than 7Ive got
parts to give@
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THE WHITE DEVIL
"ad 7 #orekno+n my hus!andFs death as you suggest*
7 +ould have !espoke my mourning@
4ou shame your +it and Cudgement to call me cunning@
(hat* is my Cust de#ense
By him that is my Cudge called impudenceB
$et me appeal then #rom this Christian court the uncivil &artar@
HKneelingI
"um!ly thus*
&hus lo+* to the most +orthy and respected
$ieger am!assadors* my modesty
And +omanhood 7 tenderK !ut +ithal
So entangled in a cursed accusation
&hat my de#ense* o# #orce* like .erseus
Must personate masculine virtue to the point@
ind me !ut guilty* sever head #rom !odyL
(eIll part good #riendsL 7 scorn to hold my li#e
At yours or any manIs entreaty* sir@
or kno+ that all your strict com!ined heads*
(hich strike against this mine o# diamonds*
Shall prove !ut glassen hammers* they shall !reakK
&hese are !ut #eigned shado+s o# my evils
&erri#y !a!es* my lord* +ith painted devils*
7 am past such needles palsy* #or your names
-# (hore and MurdFress* they proceed #rom you*
As i# a man should spit against the +ind*
&he #ilth returns inFs #ace@
%rant 7 +as tempted*
&emptation to lust proves not the act*
Casta est quam nemo roga"it$
4ou read his hot love to me* !ut you +ant
Condemn you me #or that the Duke did love me*
So may you !lame some #air and crystal river
or that some melancholic distracted man
"ath dro+ned himsel# inIt@
Sum up my #aults 7 pray* and you shall #ind
&hat !eauty and gay clothes* a merry heart*
And a good stomach to #east* are all*
All the poor crimes that you can charge me +ithL
7n #aith my lord you might go pistol #lies*
&he sport +ould !e more no!le@
But take you your course* it seems you have !eggared me #irst
And no+ +ould #ain undo meK 7 have houses*
'e+els* and a poor remnant o# crusadoes*
(ould those +ould make you charita!le@
4ou have one virtue le#t*
4ou +ill not #latter me@
7# you !e my accuser
.ray cease to !e my Cudge* come #rom the !ench*
.atienceB 7 must #irst have vengance
7 #ain +ould kno+ i# you have your salvation
By patent* that you proceed thus@
4es* you have ravished 'ustice*
orced her to do your pleasure@
Die +ith these pills in your most cursed ma+s*
Should !ring you health* or +hile you sit oIthI!ench*
$et your o+n spittle choke you@
&hat the last day o# Cudgement may so #ind you*
And leave you the same devil you +ere !e#ore*
7nstruct me some good horse-leech to speak treason*
or since you cannot take my li#e #or deeds*
&ake it #or +ords@ 6 +omanIs poor revenge*
(hich d+ells !ut in the tongueK 7 +ill not +eep*
,o 7 do scorn to call up one poor tear
&o #a+n on your inCusticeK !ear me hence*
?nto this house o# J +hatIs your mitigating titleB
7t shall not !e a house o# convertites@
My mind shall make it honester to me
&han the .opeIs palace* and more peacea!le
&han thy soul* though thou art a cardinal@
Kno+ this* and let it some+hat raise your spite*
&hrough darkness diamonds spread their richest light@
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10 ?- 40<9;, ;/1-D A9D ?+A$,
$orraine "ains!erry
Mama
Evenings +ere spent mainly on the !ack porches +here screen doors slammed in the darkness
+ith those really very special summertime sounds@ And sometimes* +hen Chicago nights got
steamy* +e +ould go out to the park +here it +as cool and s+eet to !e on the grass and there
+as usually the scent o# #reshly cut lemons or melons in the air@ Daddy +ould lie on his !ack*
as #athers must* and e8plain a!out ho+ men thought the stars a!ove us came to !e and ho+ #ar
a+ay they +ere@ 7 never did learn to !elieve that anything could !e as #ar as that@
Especially@@@@@@@@@@@@@the stars@ My mother #irst took us south to visit her &ennessee !irthplace
one summer +hen 7 +as seven or eight@ 7 +oke up +hile +e +ere still driving through some
place called Kentucky and my mother +as pointing out to the !eauti#ul hills and telling my
!rothers a!out ho+ her #ather had run a+ay and hidden #rom his master in those very hills
+hen he +as a little !oy@ She said that his mother had +andered among the +ooded slopes in
the moonlight and le#t #ood #or him in secret places@ &hey +ere very !eauti#ul hills and 7
looked out at them #or miles and miles a#ter that* +ondering +ho and +hat a DmasterD might
!e@ 7 remem!er !eing startled +hen 7 #irst sa+ my grandmother rocking a+ay on her porch@
All my li#e 7 had heard that she +as a great !eauty-!ut no one had ever remarked that they
meant a hal# century !e#oreE &he +oman that i met +as as +rinkled as a prune and could
hardly hear and !arely see and al+ays seemed to !e thinking o# other times@ But she could
still rock and talk and even make +onder#ul cupcakes-+hich +ere like corn!read* only s+eet@
She died the ne8t summer and that is all that 7 remem!er a!out her* e8cept that she +as !orn
in slavery and had memories o# it it and- they didn't sound anything like- %-,E (&" &"E
(7,DEEE
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,-& )-M SC)7.&S
A&A9DA
he death of her mother$ the reali7ation of it$ her dee&est feelings$ under&in this s&ee%h.
At #irst there is this terri!le shock* and youIre sick and shattered@ &hen there is this period
+here you are more or less num!K +ith people coming !y the house and telephoning and
!ringing in #ood@ 7tIs like youIre in this kind o# unreal state* hal# sleeping* hal# a+ake@ &hen
there is the preparing #or the #uneral@ 4ou go +ith your #ather to pick out the casket@ 4ou
listen to the undertaker talk to your dad very Auietly@ A!out her makeup* her clothing* the
#lo+ers@ "eIs sympathetic !ut also very pro#essional and cold@ &his is +hen the realities
!egin to set in and your mind races and Cust thinking makes you hurt inside@
&hen thereIs the #uneral home@ or t+o a#ternoons and evenings youIre there@ .eople come
and say nice things and you nod respect#ully and they sign the register and leave@ 4ou +atch
them through the +indo+s as they go o## to their cars@ 4ou see them talking* laughing*
making plans@ Already their minds are o## o# my mother@ &heyIve come !y* paid their
respects* and theyIre !ack to living again@
At the cemetery* you see some o# them again@ &hose +ho had !een especially close* the real
#riends@ &he sun is hot on my !ack* and 7 can #eel the perspiration running do+n my sides@ 7t
is so Auiet 7 can hear my heart pounding@ &he only sound is the +ind moving the trees@ A #e+
+ords are said over the casket@ 7 donIt remem!er them !ecause 7 +asnIt listening@ 7 didnIt
give a damn a!out the +ordsK 7 Cust +anted her !ack@
A#ter+ards* +e go home and sit in the kitchen@ My #ather* my !rothers* and 7@ (e donIt say
much@ And there is so much to say@ (e Cust sit there in silence@ 7 #eel like !ursting@ 7Im so #ull
o# #eelings@
&he house is like this shado+ o# +hat it +as +hen she +as alive@ But* you kno+* Mother is
still around !ecause sheIs in my memories@ 7 hear her laughing and calling our names and
talking +ith Aunt 'ulie on the phone@ 7 hear her #ootsteps on the porchK 7 hear her snapping out
pillo+ slips upstairs +hile humming this little tune@ SheIs gone !ut sheIs still here@ SheIs
every+here@
As time passes* the sadness passes* too@ Every day you come a little more out o# the #og* you
kno+@ As the days pass* you get !ack your laughter and get on +ith living@ But there is still
like this emptiness@ May!e there al+ays +ill !e@ But slo+ly you adCust to it@ $ike they sayJ
li#e goes on@ But sheIll al+ays !e here* al+ays@ "er spirit +ill never die@
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A&4C3 6-W
By David "are

4ou never sa+ it@ Dominic +as #unny and gentle@ Am!ition destroyed him* that's all@ Because
he thinks that the +orld o# the media matters@ he actually thinks that it's real@ So it's !een
harder to talk to him@@@ #or years it's !een harder to reach him@ 7t's true@ So he's gone o## +ith
someone +ho cares a!out photos in maga5ines and opinion columns* and all o# those dud
$ondon things@ But that doesn't mean the man +as al+yas contempti!le@ 7t doesn't mean 7
shouldn't have !een +ith him at all@ it Cust means@@@ oh* look@@@ the odds +ere against us@ But i
happen to hink it +as +ell +orth a try@ -# course 7 kne+@@@ do you think 7'm an idiotB 7 al+ays
sensedL one day this man +ill trade up@ "e'll cash me in and he'll get a ne+ model@ 7 al+ays
#elt it +ould come@ these men* they +ait@ &hey +ait till they're ready@ 4ou make them secure@
&hen* o# course* +hen you've !uilt the statue@@@ that's +hen they kick the ladder a+ay@ But 7
did kno+ it@ 7 did it kno+ingly@ 7t +as my choice@
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A99-
Annie$ now li"ing in a foster home$ is still afraid that she will be abdu%ted by her father.
Both o# my parents +ere druggies@ &hey +ere strung out most o# the time@ And +hen they
+ere* they neglected me@ &otally@ (hen they +ere high* they didnIt give a damn@ A lot o# the
time there +as no #ood in the house@ &he place +as a pit hole@ Stinking@ Dirty@ (e lived like
pigs@ &hatIs the +ay it is +ith addicts* they only care a!out one thingJgetting their hands on
drugs@ And theyIll do anything to get it@ Anything@ My mother even sold my clothes to get
drug money@ &hey +ere sick people* my parents@ Sick as hell@
7 +ould come home #rom school some days and #ind my mother and #ather so stoned theyId
!e passed out in the middle o# their !ed@ &hen* one day* 7 come home and #ind my mom dead
on the kitchen #loor@ My dad +as Cust sitting there* stoned* out o# it@ 7 donIt think he +as even
a+are that sheId died@ 7 +ent into shock@ (hen 7 !egan to cry* he started slapping me around
and going cra5y and screaming@ "e +as hysterical and out o# control@ 7 ran out the !ack door
and +ent to my auntIs and uncleIs and stayed there as long as 7 could@ &hey kne+ +hat +as
going on and tried to protect me and keep me #rom Dad as long as they could@ But eventually
7 had to go !ack home@
A#ter Mom +as gone* Dad got even heavier into drugs@ And he !egan to a!use me@ "eId !eat
me #or no reason* as i# it +ere my #ault he +as a Cunkie@ "e treated me like hell@ So 7 told my
aunt and uncle* and they they told Dad they +ere going to call the authorities@ "e came
unglued and panicked and kidnapped me !ecause he +as a#raid they +ere going to take me
a+ay@ (e drove around the country #or almost three +eeks* living in cheap motels@ 7t +as like
this nightmare +ith him slapping me around and cursing* and doing drugs all day long@ And
!y no+ 7 hated him@ 7 hated my o+n #ather@
(hen +e #inally came home he told me that i# 7 ever tried to make trou!le again heId kill me@
7 +as scared to death@ %od only kno+s +hat heId do +hen he +as !om!ed@ "e +ouldnIt let
anyone see me and +ouldnIt let me ans+er the phone@ 7 lived in constant #ear and couldnIt
sleep@ A#ter a #e+ +eeks o# living like this prisoner 7 Cust had to !reak a+ay* had to get out@
So 7 ran o## to my auntIs and uncleIs again and talked them into contacting the authorities
and telling them +hat +as happening@ &he authorities put me in my auntIs and uncleIs
custody and issued a restraining order against my dad@
7Im !eginning to readCust* #inally@ 7Im doing okay in school and 7Im into a !unch o#
activities@ But 7 still donIt trust adults@ ,ot completely@ And +hy should 7B 7 mean . . . look
ho+ theyIve treated me@
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1he Arcata 2romise
!y David Mercer
LA+#A
/hen Laura is DJ she is left by her Ameri%an ,arents at a s%hool in !ngland$ and meets
1ohn$ an a%tor in his early thirties. Later$ against &arental wishes$ she li"es with him in
London. Su%%ess$ under his assumed named of heodore 0unge$ and e4%essi"e drin(ing$ lead
to rows$ &roblems and the disintegration of their relationshi&. he &layGs title refers to the
lo"e &a%t made in Ar%ata$ +SA$ whi%h Laura$ now aged K:$ brea(s in her de%ision to lea"e
0unge. he s%ene ta(es &la%e in 0rungGs Chelsea flat.
7 came to live +ith you !ecause 7 loved you@ 7 stayed +ith you !ecause 7 loved you@ (&ause). 7
endured you !ecause 7 couldn't imagine li#e +ithout you@ (&ause). 7 #eel !attered@ 7gnored@
Belittled@ (&ause). 7 didn't care #or you !ecause you're a #amous actor@ 4ou remem!er talking
a!out that party +here +e metB (ell +hen you came over and talked to me- 7 thought 7'd
never seen a man so haunted@ So de#ensive and uptight@ (,ause). 7 never thought you'd #ind
me attractive@ 7 never thought you'd see me again@ (&ause). (hen you asked me to* 7 said yes
#or you@,ot !ecause 7 +as impressed* or #lattered* or anything like that@ 7 almost didn't dare to
think you'd have any serious interest in me@ (&ause) But you did@ (&ause) %irls at school used
to laugh at me !ecause 7 said 7 +ouldn't go to !ed until it +as some!ody 7 loved@ /ery old-
#ashioned* or +hatever@ At my school you +ere considered #reaky i# you +ere still a virgin
a#ter si8teen (,ause). And !ecause o# you- 7 +as glad@ 7 +as happy 7'd never !een +ith
anyone else@ (,ause)$ 7've !een happy +ith you- !ut to sad as +ell@ &oo sad as +ell@ &oo
humiliated@ (,ause). &oo hurt@ (,ause) 7 never thought it mattered at all your !eing so much
older@ ,o+ 7 can see it does@ ,ot the years@ ,ot the di##erence in e8perience@ (&ause). 7t's that
you'll go on !eing e8actly the same@ (her "oi%e rising). And 7'm changing@@@@ (standing)$ 7've
loved you@ 7 !elieve you love me@ But you've lived and !ehaved e8actly as you +anted- +ith
me like some kind o# appendage@ (&ause). (here have 7 !eenB (ho did any!ody ever think 7
+asB Some o# your #riends still can't even remem!er my surnameE -thers pity me@ 7 can count
on one hand the num!er o# items 7've ever !een asked a Auestion a!out mysel#@ 7 image people
#ind me dull and !oring@ 4ou drink@ 4ou talk@ 4ou dominate@ 7'm the one +ho drives you
home@ 4ou rant@ 4ou rave@ 4ou're the evening's entertainment@ 7'm the one you turn on +hen
+e get home@ 7 should think 7'm despised@ ,ot !ecause anyone's taken the trou!le to #ind out
+hat 7'm like@ ,o@ But !ecause 7 must seem like your !loody shado+s@ (,ause). 7'm not
envious@ 7 admire your acting and respect it as much as any!ody else does@ But 7'm not Cust a
servicing arrangement to your needs@ 7'm something else@ (,ause). And 7'm going to #ind out
+hat that is@
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BARBARA
.arbara is &ut off by her motherBs outrageous dieteti% demands.
My mother has this totally insane attitude a!out #ood@ She eats like a !irdJa humming!ird@
or !reak#ast* sheIll have a piece o# dry toast and co##ee@ or lunch* a salad +ith no dressing@
or dinner* a thim!le-#ull o# chicken@ 7tIs like her +hole li#e is a diet* you kno+@ (hen +e go
to a restaurant* she pulls out this little !ooklet that tells you ho+ many calories there are in
#ood* ho+ much #at* ho+ many car!s and stu##@ Sitting do+n to eat +ith my mother is like
sitting do+n at the ta!le +ith a scientist@ She analy5es everything@ And o# course this means 7
have to eat ra!!it #ood* too@ &he last time +e had lunch* she insisted 7 order a cucum!er salad
and a tomato stu##ed +ith tuna@ -h yeah* and iced tea@ Cucum!ers and iced tea@ )eal
appeti5ing* huhB .uke-olaE &his is +hy 7 try to avoid eating +ith her at all costs@
SheIs constantly !ugging me a!out +hat 7 eat@ DDonIt eat #at@ DonIt eat meat@ DonIt eat
s+eets@ DonIt eat processed #ood@D DonIt is a !ig +ord in my momIs dietary voca!ulary@
And 7Im not #at@ "ey* 7Im not even over+eight@ 7 mean* i# 7 +as like this !alloon or
something* itId !e di##erent@
SheIs al+ays Cumping on my dad #or +hat he eats* too@ &he poor guy canIt enCoy a meal
+ithout hearing ho+ unhealthy everything heIs eating is@ She gets into all kinds o# #acts and
#iguresL a!out ho+ many o# the calories youIre eating are #atK a!out ho+ pesticides cause
cancerK a!out ho+ meat-packing plants arenIt sanitaryK a!out these la!oratory e8periments on
rats@ SheIs like this +alking* talking* #ood horror picture@ "er conversation alone could cause
a person to lose +eight@ 7 mean* ho+ can you possi!ly eat +hen someoneIs sitting talking
a!out rats shriveling up and dying !ecause they donIt get enough proteinB "ey* the thought o#
rats healthy is gross enough@
Mom used to !e over+eight@ 7 guess this is the reason sheIs #lipped on diet@ Because sheIs a
#ormer #atty@ SheIs a re#ormed #ood Cunkie@ (hich is okay to a point* all rightB But sheIs
really taken the +hole thing out o# sight@ &o the point +here sheIs paranoid a!out #ood@ 7Ill
!et i# you hid a &+inkie in her purse sheId have a stroke@
7 think eating right is sensi!le and !eing healthy is important@ But like +ho needs taking it to
e8tremesB 7tIs important to enCoy li#e* too@ 7 mean* hey* +eIre not supposed to put our li#e in
a Oiploc !ag* you kno+@ 7 think common sense is the ans+er@ (ith #ood and everything else*
itIs Cust a matter o# !alance@ Besides* ho+ a!out the thought o# going through li#e +ithout
another cheese!urgerB
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BETTY
+nfortunately$ .etty$ an a"erage$ healthy teenager$ is under &ressure from o"era%hie"ing
&arents.
$ook* 7 mean 7 donIt mean to say 7 have the intellect o# a chicken@ (hat 7Im saying here is
that 7Im not Einstein* you kno+@ 7Im like this normal person +ho is Cust me* thatIs all@ (hat
am 7 supposed to !e here* any+ay* this super !rain +ho is supposed to #igure out the theory o#
relativity +hile Cuggling chain sa+sB 7 mean@ . . cImon* gimme a !reak@
7tIs not enough that 7 carry a DBD average@ ,ooo@@@ 7 have to get DAIsD !ecause my mother and
#ather got DAIs@D All 7 ever hear is a!out ho+ they +ere at the top o# their classes in high
school and collegeK ho+ they +ere ,ational "onor )oll studentsK ho+ they got scholarshipsK
ho+ they used to sit around and read poetry to each other and listen to Mo5art@ Can you
imagine +hat +ould happen i# 7 suggested to )alph +e sit around and rattle o## poetry and
listen to classical musicB "eId !e outta here@ And +ho could !lame himB
My dadIs all pissed !ecause 7Im not on the de!ating team@ "e Cust canIt get it through his
head that 7 hate pu!lic speaking@ Every time 7 have to get up in #ront o# people@ 7 !reak out in
a cold s+eat and my hands get clammy and my heart pounds so hard you can hear it in the
ne8t !lock@ Dad says de!ating +ill help me think on my #eet@ ,o +ay@ De!ating helps me
faint on my #eet@
My parents are !oth overachievers@ My mom* #or e8ample* is head o# the local cham!er o#
commerce and the Democratic .arty@ .lus sheIs on the !oard at the hospital and is an active
#und raiser #or the local li!rary@ .lus* she takes care o# the house* knits* plays a great game o#
tennis* and can +hip up a killer sou##le@ &here isnIt anything she canIt do* anything@ She
could +rite the phone !ook on the head o# a pin !lind#olded i# she set her mind to it@ And my
dad is the president o# his company* a scratch gol#er* a volunteer #ireman* chairman #or the
?nited und* and is on the planning committee #or the city@ "e reads the )ew Yor( imes
#rom cover to cover every day* knocks o## a !ook !e#ore !edtime* and #igures out his income
ta8 in his head@ Sometimes 7 think my parents arenIt human@
And here 7 am* this lo+ly DBD student +hose idea o# an intellectual evening is a pi55a +ith
everything* a couple o# Classic Cokes* and a #e+ ne+ CDs@ 7 havenIt got a chance@ 7Im
doomed@ 7Ill never !e a!le to measure up@
4ou kno+* sometimes 7 think 7Im not their daughter* that there must have !een a mi8-up at
the hospital@ Some+here in the country today there is this super-!rainy genius o# a kid living
+ith parents +ho are a couple o# normal nerds@
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?.A99-
7 think +hen 7 +as in high school people thought 7 +as pretty cool@ 7tFs not like 7 really cared
a!out +hat they thought@ 7 mean* yeah* 7 partied* !ut 7 did it !ecause 7 enCoyed it not !ecause
everyone else did@ And the people that partied +ith me* +ell* they enCoyed it too@ (e all did@
7t +as every Saturday #or sure* and sometimes during the +eek a small group o# us +ould get
together to party +ithout a !ig cro+d@ ,o+* that +as very cool@ 'ust a #e+ o# us* ya kno+*
really intimate@ ,one o# those hangers on that +ant to !e +ith people +ho really have it going
on@ 4eah* that +as the !est@ &hose guys +ere really my #riends@ 4ou canFt get Dsmall*D +ith
everyone* ya kno+@ DSmall@D Code +ord in #ront o# the parents@ 7 still use it@ 7 donFt kno+ i#
anyone else does@ A#ter +e got out o# school +e kind o# +ent our o+n +ays@ (e donFt do
that* ya kno+* get Dsmall*D much anymore@ 7n #act* hardly at all@ -kay* most o# the people 7
+ent to school +ith are in college no+ and have Co!s and stu##@ &hatFs all good #or them@ So@ 7
donFt kno+ +hat everyone is making such a deal a!out@ &hey are ready #or the Dne8t phase@D
Big damn deal@ (hat* are they so high and 7Fm so lo+ !ecause 7 havenFt #ollo+ed the golden
path they have@ (ell* pardon me all to hell@ So* 7 have a drink* smoke a little !ud* may!e take
some speed no+ and then to keep things even@ (ho am 7 hurtingB And itFs not like 7 am going
to do this #orever@ 'ust #or a +hile@ 7 mean* come on@ And itFs not like 7 do it alone@ 7 met these
ne+ people at a party in the valley* they are really cool@ &his one guy has his o+n place* kind
o# like a converted garage or something@ So* 7 go there and hang and itFs great@ 4eah* okay*
some o# those people are losers* going no+here in #ast +ay@ But 7Fm not like them@ %etting
high* getting stoned* it isnFt #orever@ 7tFs #or no+@ And no* 7 donFt kno+ ho+ long now is@ But
7Fm not +orried a!out that@@@at least not yet@ So* you got a pro!lem +ith the +ay 7 amB unny*
7 donFt remem!er asking you your opinion@
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CINDY
CindyBs mother is addi%ted to the 'ome Sho&&ing )etwor($ a habit Cindy finds e4tra"agant
and downright obs%ene.

-kay* like here she sits !y the hour ordering up this gar!age #rom the "ome Shopping
,et+ork* okayB A !oat-load o# crap that sheIll toss out in si8 months@ 7tIs really a !i5arre
trip* let me tell you* Darlene@ Bi5arreE "ave you ever caught itB "ome ShoppingB "ey* itIs
going on night and day@ And they advertise all this Cunk like you +onIt !elieve@ $ike last
night theyIre hyping these little ceramic dolls that look like the crappy little #igurines they
have on sale all the time at discount stores@ And my mother #lips #or them@ She goes and
orders three o# them@ -ne looks like .orky .ig in drag@ -ne looks e8actly like ,orma
Anderson@ And you kno+ ho+ ugly she isE And one looks like this painted-up* puppet-#aced
little dork!all@ But Mom thinks theyIre cute@ SheIs got this +hole case Cammed #ull o# these
turkeys* and i# you touch one she goes nuts@ $ike i# you !roke one youId !e trashing the
Cro+n 'e+els@
She sits in #ront o# the &/ all day checking out the trash they sell@ %immick stu##L $ike hair
driers that have !uilt-in radios and stu##ed animals that are actually hand!ags@ She !ought this
gross little hippo +ith a 5ipper in its !ack that she carries all the time@ 7 +onIt leave the house
+ith her +hen she carries it@
Since she #ound "ome Shopping* sheIs !ecome cra5ed* Darlene@ "er mind is +asted* 7 s+ear@
SheIs !ecome like this "ome Shopping ro!ot* or something@ Some days 7 think 7Im part o#
this cra5y "ome Shopping sci-#i movie@
7 donIt dare !ring her ha!it up in #ront o# my #ather@ 7# 7 do* later she accuses me o# ratting on
her@ Dad told her i# she doesnIt cool it +ith !uying all the crap* heIs going to cancel all our
credit cards@ $ast month the Master Charge +as over t+o thousand dollarsE &+o thousand
!ucks #or stu##ed-hippo purses and musical plant hangers and genuine imitation-crystal ra!!its
and gold-plated miniature horseshoes that you use #or coasters@ 7tIs insane@ SheIs lost it@
&otally lost it@ Come on over sometime and +atch her +hile sheIs +atching the sho+@ SheIs
like on another planet@ %one@ Oappo@ "ere she sits holding the telephone +ith these +eird
eyes like some +hacked-out 5om!ie@ 7Im talking D&+ilight OoneD here* Darlene@ (She
imitates the D&+ilight Lone;theme musi%.)
And guess +hatB &his +eek sheIs "ome Shopping #or Christmas@ ChristmasE And here it is
only 'une@ She says she +ants to get the good stu## !e#ore itIs all gone@ D%ood stu##@D She
kiddingB As i# there is any@ %od only kno+s +hat +eIll !e getting this year@ 7 hate to think
a!out it@ 7 have like this gna+ing #eeling itIs going to !e a strange Christmas* that 7Im going
to open up my gi#t and there itIll !eJone o# those stupid hippo purses@
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DARLENE
She bemoans the loss of her &et.

7 kno+ you may think this is o## the +all* !ut 7Im really !ummed out !ecause my dog died
last +eek@ 7tIs kind o# like 7Im running on empty* you kno+@ 7tIs like some!ody has pulled a
plug in my head and drained all the happiness out@
7 had Curly since 7 +as ten years old@ "e +as a neat pet +ho never !arked and +ent ape or
caused us any trou!le@ "e +as a nice animal* and 7 really loved him a lot@ 7# you can
understand that@ A person can get really attached to their pets* you kno+@ Can get as attached
to them as you do to a person@
.eople +hoIve never had animals around have no concept o# the closeness you can develop
#or them and ho+ you look #or+ard to seeing them every day and ho+ you miss them +hen
youIre a+ay@ 4ou develop like this strong !ond !et+een you* this special connection@ $ike
!et+een Curly and me@ "eId !e +aiting #or me every evening +hen 7 came home #rom
school* and heId hang around +hen 7 +as doing home+ork and stu##@ And he slept in my
room every night@ "eId curl up at the #oot o# my !ed and stay there till morning@ (hen 7 got
cold* 7 used to slip my #eet under him to keep them +arm@ Since he died* 7 havenIt hardly
slept at all@ &hereIs this !ig empty space no+ that Curly used to #ill@
(e got Curly #rom the pound +hen he +as Cust a puppy@ 7 picked him out o# a litter !ecause
he had this large !ro+n spot over one eye@ "e +asnIt a thorough!red* no +ay@ 'ust a mutt@
(ho kno+s ho+ many cross!reeds@ DA "ein5 9M$; my dad used to say@ But he +as smart and
perceptive and al+ays alert and play#ul@ Mutts are o#ten e8ceptionally intelligent dogs@ And he
had this great temperament@ And he +as cool* too@ "e had this laid-!ack attitude@ But he kne+
+hat +as happening@ 4ou didnIt put anything over on Curly@ "e +as hip@ $ike 7 said* cool@
Kind o# a Spuds McKen5ie type* you kno+@
-ne o# the neat things a!out animals is that they arenIt demanding@ &heyIre Cust there* al+ays
there #or you@ And they donIt ask a lot@ 'ust a little attention every no+ and then@ A kind
+ord@ Some play#ulness@ And there is this special Auality to their silence +hen theyIre near!y@
7tIs a Auietness that allo+s you to !e rela8ed in their company +ithout a lot o# phony !ull@ A
Auality people should develop in their relationships* 7 think@
Curly had !een sick #or a long time* and +eId had him to the vetIs o#ten@ But he +asnIt
getting any !etter@ &he last time +e took him in* the vet said that +e should put him to sleep*
that he +as su##ering* and that he +asnIt going to recover@ So +e le#t him there@ And 7 le#t
part o# mysel# there +ith him* too@
7 sure do miss that dog@
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t's A Doll's +ife
Situation= A rag doll$ who has been negle%ted by her owner Sally$ refle%ts on her
disa&&ointing life in her nursery.
(a doll sits in the middle of a table$ with her head down;Sure* everyone thinks !eing a doll is
#un@ (loo(s at the audien%e) All o# the other toys say* D+hy +ouldnFt you +ant to !e a rag
dollB $ittle girls adore you@ 4ou +ould !e their #avorite toy@D )ight and +hat +ould the other
toys at the store say no+ a!out my per#ect li#eB All 7 do all day is sit up on this shel#*
collecting dust@ 7t has !een a long time since 7 have !een to a tea party@ :looks around the
room; 7t has !een such a long time since 7 have even le#t this spot@ 7 used to !e SallyFs #avorite
toy@ 7 remem!er the #irst day 7 arrived home #rom EatonFs department store@ My !o8 +as
+rapped in pretty gold paper* +ith a !ig green !o+ on the #ront@ D-h Mommy* oh Daddy* 7
love it@ 7 going to play +ith her #or ever and ever and ever and 7 am going to love her #or ever
and ever and ever@D (here are you no+ SallyB Are you o## +ith your collection o# Bar!ies or
are you +atching televisionB She doesnFt even reali5e ho+ hard it is #or me to +atch her play
+ith her other toys@ 7 Cust sit here* hour a#ter hour* day a#ter day* +atching@ 7Fm not alone
though@ ,umerous Care Bears have !een stu##ed in the closet* her Ca!!age .atch Kids
collection is over in that corner (&oints to %orner)$ and +e canFt #orget the Disney Store in the
le#t corner (loo(s to the other %orner). At least 7 got a shel#@
.lease* donFt get me +rong* +hen 7 #irst arrived in this nursery* everything +as +onder#ul@
&hat month +as the happiest month o# my li#e@ Sally +ould play +ith me every day@ (e
+ould have tea parties* +e +ould read !ooks together@ (sigh) (e did everything together@
Sally +ould take me every+here@ 7 once got to go to sho+ and tell +ith her@ (&ause) 7 +as
al+ays there #or her@ She could tell me anything* and 7 +ouldnFt tell the other toys@ But* on
that cold ,ovem!er day* her Daddy !rought home her #irst Bar!ie* and our li#e together +as
over@ 7 never even got a name@ All o# her other dolls have names@ 7 am Cust re#erred to as DherD
or DdollyD@ (hy didnFt she give me a nameB ,aming a doll is not the hardest thing to do in the
+orld@ 7t only takes a #e+ seconds o# thought@ Sally +ill occasionally stop and talk to me@ 'ust
last +eek she picked me up and !rushed my hair@ (&ause) But 7 soon returned to my spot@ 7s
this my destinyB 7 +ant to have #un again@ 7 +ant to play again +ith a person@ 7 +ant someone
to love me@ 7 donFt +ant to spend my li#e on a shel#* collecting dust@ 7t doesnFt look like 7 have
a choice* does itB
back to top

-++-9
!llen feels it time to tal( o&enly with her &arents about A-DS.
.leaseE &his isnIt the Dark Ages@ &his isnIt the time o# the 7nAuisition or the Salem (itch
&rials@ -r may!e it isE 4eah* may!e it damned +ell is@ &he +ay you t+o go around speaking
under your !reath in hushed tones a!out the su!Cect is ridiculous@ 4ou think 7 donIt kno+
a!out A7DSB 4ou think 7 donIt read* donIt +atch &/B 4ou think 7Im some !lind and dum!
teenager +hose head is into nothing !ut rock MnI rollB 4ou kno+ +hatB 4ou remind me o# my
teachers@ &hey skirt the su!Cect* too@ -h yeah* +e have these Din#ormativeD discussions@ &he
only pro!lem isJtheyIre not in#ormative@ &hey circle the guts o# the issue@ 7tIs like this
cosmetic treatment* you kno+@ &his very care#ul* eggshell clinical discussion +here
everyoneIs a#raid to talk plain@ 4ou think this is learningB 4ou think this is healthyB 4ou
think this is enlighteningB "ell* noE 7tIs avoidanceE
$ike 'erry )aynor* our neigh!or@ 4ou actually think 7 !elieve he died o# pneumoniaB CImon*
the man +as a homose8ual@ "e had A7DSE &he man died !ecause his !ody +as ravaged !y
the damned disease@ Because the poor guy +as in#ected !y an active "7/ virus@ .neumoniaE
.##tE %imme a !reak@ 4ou and the rest o# the neigh!orhood have your heads so #ar in the sand
itIs piti#ul@ And +hat did any o# you do #or the poor manB ,othingB And +hyB (ell* 7Ill tell
you +hy@
Because o# your preCudice* thatIs +hy@ Because o# your #earsE Because o# your stupid* old-
#ashioned ideasE So the guy goes and dies +ithout anyone reaching out to him !ecause you
+ere all so a#raid that it +ould taint you all in some cra5y +ay@ -r may!e you +ere a#raid you
+ould Dcatch itED 7 +ould laugh i# it +asnIt so piti#ul@
Sometimes 7 +onder +ho the clear thinkers are in this society@ Certainly not many o# the so-
called Dadults*D thatIs #or damned sure@ A person has to !e emotionally mature !e#ore he can
!e considered an adult@ "e has to get hold o# some enlightenment@ "e has to #ace up to reality@
7 get it here* 7 get it in school* 7 seem to get it every+here@ 7tIs like some conspiracy against
me* my generation@ 7tIs no +onder so many young people re!el@ (hen you live +ith
dishonesty #or so long youIve got to do somethingE
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/-+$A
3eli%ia$ sha(en$ tells of the gangArelated slaying of a friend.
$ast Saturday* Maria and 7 +ent to this party on >th Street* okayB (e hung out at the party #or
a couple o# hours* dancing and having #un and talking to #riends@ Maria +as a good dancer
and +as real popular@ Every!ody liked her@
(e le#t the party around ten oIclock or so and started +alking !ack home@ A#ter +eId +alked
a!out #our !locks* this car pulls up and this guy yells out the +indo+@ "e says* D"ey* +eIre
#rom the ,orth Side %ang and +eIre looking #or some dude@D
7 didnIt like the looks o# these guys* and 7 told Maria that +e should !e care#ul and Cust keep
on +alking and not ans+er them@ 7n this neigh!orhood* on the streets at night* you never
kno+ +hatIs going to happen@
But Maria +alks up to the car@ She +as al+ays like that@ She +as never a#rald or suspicious o#
people@ So she +alks up to the car and says* D7 donIt kno+ you guys@ 7# you +ere #rom the
north side* 7Id kno+ you guys@D &hen this guy in the !ack o# the car says* D(eIre #rom the
south side* !itch@D &hen he pulls up this shotgun and shoots Maria in the arm@ 7t +as terri!le@
Maria #ell do+n on her knees holding her arm@ 7t looked like her arm +as almost torn o## #rom
the shotgun and !lood +as shooting out all over the place@ 7 ran into a yard and up on the #ront
porch o# this house@ &he guys in the car called Maria a slut and laughed at her@ 7 kne+ she +as
hurt real !ad* !ut there +asnIt anything 7 could do !ut try to keep them #rom shooting me*
too@ %ang guys donIt care +ho they kill@ Maria +as crying and holding her arm and !egging
them not to hurt her@ She said* D.lease* 7 didnIt do anything@ DonIt hurt me* please@D &hen the
guy +ith the shotgun shot her again and she #ell !ack@ 7 heard her call out #or her mother@
DMother*D she said@ D-h* MotherED &hen she kind o# like trem!led and died@ 7 still can see it@ 7t
+as@ @ @ it +as a+#ul@ 7 can still see it@ 7Ill never get it out o# my mind@ Ever@
Maria didnIt do anything@ All she +anted +as to have a li#e@ And no+ here she is* dead at
si8teen@ 7n this neigh!orhood* on the streets at night* you never kno+ +hatIs going to happen@
back to top

JILL
1ill thin(s ony is hot but ony is interested in her best friend$ Laura. 'ere$ she relates her
dilemma.
So $aura comes over to me at the dance and says* D7snIt &ony cuteBD and 7 say* D4eah@D
Because &ony is the coolest guy around@ &hen she says* DDo you think 7 should ask him to
dance@D And 7 say* DSure* +hy notBD But she says sheIs too !ash#ul* that 7 should ask him to
dance@ And 7 say* D"ey* +hy meB 4ouIre the one +ho +ants to dance +ith him@D And she
says* D4eah* !ut youIve got all kinds o# nerve** and stu## like this doesnIt !other you@D And 7
say* MBut +hatIl2 it prove i# 7 dance +ith himBD And she says* D(hile youIre dancing +ith
him* you can tell him that 7 think heIs cute and ask him to dance the ne8t dance +ith me@D
,o+ 7Im thinking that this +hole thing is pretty #ar out* !ut !ecause 7Im $auraIs !est #riend*
7 ask &ony to dance@ (o+* +as he ever a good dancer@
-kay@ So +hile +eIre dancing* 7 ask him i# heIll dance +ith $aura !ecause $aura thinks heIs
cute and he says* DSure@D So* a#ter the dance* 7 go and tell $aura that heIll dance +ith her* and
she is real thrilled like some stupid grade-school dope and gets so red in the #ace that she
looks like a stop-light@ So then &ony comes on over and asks $aura to dance* and she says*
D,o thanks* 7 donIt dance +ith strangers@D And &ony +alks a+ay@ D,o thanksBD 7 canIt
!elieve this@ A#ter all this* she turns the guy do+n like heIs a plate o# "am!urger "elper@ 7
say D"ey* $aura* +hatIs going on hereB Are you cra5yB A#ter asking me to dance and go
through all this you tell the guy to get lostBD And $aura says* D&his +ay heIll think 7Im hard
to get and +ill !e more attracted to me@D
And do you kno+ +hatB She +as right@ A#ter that* he couldnIt stay a+ay #rom her@ "e kept
!ugging her to dance +ith him all night long@ And she kept turning him do+n@ &hen* ne8t day*
he starts calling her all the time and asking her out@ A#ter a!out t+o +eeks she agrees to go
out +ith him* and theyIve !een going steady ever since@
&ony is really hot@ $ike 7 said* heIs the coolest guy around@ "e has this +ay a!out him@ And
you should see the +ay he dresses@ "e is al+ays styled out@ 7Im cra5y a!out him@ But so #ar as
heIs concerned* #orget it@ 7 donIt e8ist@ "e looks right through me@ 7 might as +ell !e a pane
o# glass@ And !esides* +hat can 7 do* any+ayB 7 canIt make a move on him !ecause $auraIs
my !est #riend@ Even though she did use me to get to &ony@ Sometimes* +hen 7 think a!out it*
7 get really upset@ But then* on the other hand* 7 have to respect her #or her kno+ledge o# the
male ego@
back to top

KATE
Se"eral years ago$ Kate was molested by her neighbor and then$ not long after that$ was
se4ually abused by her motherBs boyfriend. 'er mother$ howe"er$ refused to belie"e that
either in%ident e"er too( &la%e.
7t all started +hen 7 +as Cust t+elve years old* living +ith my mother and her !oy#riend@ 7
used to !e home alone a lot !ecause my mother had to +ork@ (ell* one day* this guy* Bo!* our
neigh!or* comes over* okayB "e +as like this #riend o# my momIs* and he kne+ that the key
to the house +as hidden in the #lo+er-pot near the #ront door@ Any+ay* he came in and came
up to me +hile 7 +as +atching television@ 7 didnIt pay much attention to him !ecause 7 kne+
him and +as used to him !eing around@ But this particular day* he +as acting very strange@ "e
came over and sat ne8t to me on the couch and !egan running his hand up and do+n my leg@
&hen he !ecame !older* #orcing his hand under my Ceans and@@@ and@@* +ell* he +as touching
me* you kno+@ 7 tried my !est to get a+ay #rom him* !ut he kept #orcing himsel# on me and
pulling at my clothes@ And then@@* then he e8posed himsel#@
(hen 7 told my mother +hat had happened* she said 7 +as making it up* that Bo! +as a nice
guy and a good neigh!or and +ould never think o# doing anything like that@ As hard as 7 tried
to convince her she +ouldnIt !elieve my story@
&he ne8t time it +as much +orse and involved my motherIs !oy#riend* +ho +as living +ith
us part o# the time@ -ne night*
+hile my mother +as a+ay* he came into my !edroom +hile 7 +as doing home+ork and
!egan #orcing himsel# on me@ 7 tried to keep him a+ay* !ut he +as a !ig man and 7 didnIt
have a chance@ (hen 7 resisted* he !egan to slap me@ 7 +as scared to death@ "e had this
terri!le temper@ 7 didnIt kno+ +hat the hell he might do@ "e tore o## my ro!e and then@@*
then@@* +ell* 7 +as se8ually a!used@
+hen my mother came home* 7 told her +hat had happened* and she re#used to !elieve it@ She
said 7 must have this pro!lem +here 7 have to make up these #ar-out* #antastic stories@ irst
a!out Bo! and no+ a!out her !oy#riend@ She called me a lying little slut and a little
trou!lemaker@ 7 kne+ right then that 7 couldnIt live in my o+n home anymore@ 7t +as too
dangerous@ 7 had to get out@
7Im living +ith my #ather no+@ 7 +as in a !unch o# #oster homes* !ut 7 ran a+ay each time to
!e +ith my dad@ Even though he has a drinking pro!lem* theyIve #inally decided that itIs
!etter #or me to !e +ith him than to !e +ith strangers@ Besides* he treats me good and 7 #eel
sa#e +ith him@ "eIs a nice man@ "e may !e an alcoholic* !ut 7 kno+ he loves me@
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+o#e is a 2lace
!MMA
&hey laughed@ &hey all laughed at meE All o# my supposed #riends laughed at meE 7 can't
!elieve that 7 really thought that they +ere my #riendsE 'ack* they laughed at me +hen 7 cried
!ecause the ca#eteria reminded me o# you@ &hat +as +here +e #irst kissed@ Do you remem!erB
-# course you don't remem!er@ 4ou can't remem!erE 4ou're deadE (hy did you have to leave
meB 7 need you@ ,o!ody understands* 'ack@ &hey all think that 7'm Cust !eing melodramatic@
&hey all say that Cust !ecause +e're 2> that it couldn't have !een love@ But it +as loveE 7 loved
you then* and 7 love you no+E (hy'd you do itB (hatever it +as* you could've talked to me
a!out it@ (e +ould have +orked something out@ &hat note that you le#t didn't do much to
console me@ DDear Emma* 7 love you* !ut there are some things that even love can't conAuer@ 7
have pro!lems that you couldn't even imagine* and 7 don't +ant to get you involved@ &his has
nothing to do +ith you@ .lease don't !lame yoursel#@ Even i# you +ere here* there's nothing
that you could do to stop me@ My mind's made up@ 7 kno+ +hat 7 have to do@ 7'll al+ays love
you@ $ove* 'ackDEven i# you +ere here there's nothing that you could do to stop meB (hat do
you mean there's nothing that 7 could've doneB 7 kno+ that i# 7 had !een there things +ould
have turned out di##erently@ 'ack* my heart is !reaking@ 4ou made me reali5e that 7 +as
special@ 4ou sho+ed me that 7 do matter* and +hen you needed me to !e there #or you* 7
+asn't there@ Everything that happened in my li#e !e#ore 7 met you is meaningless* as is
everything that has happened since your suicide@ 7t makes me so angry that no one thinks that
it's possi!le to !e in love Cust !ecause o# our age@ 7s age really +hat mattersB Are they saying
that i# soulmates meet !e#ore they are 32* then it +on't !e loveB "o+ old do you have to !e
#or love to !e realB 7 don't care +hat they think a!out our relationship@ 7t +as real@ 7 kno+ it*
and you kno+ it* and that's all that matters@ 7 miss everything a!out you@ 4ou can't imagine
ho+ di##icult it is !eing here +ithout you@ My !est #riend in the +hole +orld* the one person
that 7 could tell anything to* is gone@ %one #orever@ 7 al+ays thought that +e +ould gro+ up*
get married* have kids* !ecome grandparents* and gro+ old together* !ut no+ that'll never
happen@ 4ou kno+ the saying* you al+ays hurt the ones you loveB (ell* 7 see Cust ho+ true it
is no+@ 7 kno+ that you loved me despite all o# my #la+s* yet still you hurt me in the +orst
+ay possi!le@ 4ou le#t@ (hen you +ere here* 7 #elt like 7 !elonged to the +orld@ ,o+ that
you're gone* 7'm a lonely soul #loating aimlessly throughout the +orld@ 4ou +ere my guide on
the path o# li#e* and +ithout you 7'm lost@ 'ack* 7 can't deal +ith this anymore@ 7 kno+ that it's
only !een a!out a month* and everyone says that it +ill get easier* !ut 7 kno+ that although
that may apply to others in similar situations* it doesn't apply to me@ &his +ill never get any
easier@ 7t +ill only get harder* as the days pass and the reali5ation that you're gone #orever sets
in on me@ 7 have no one here to help me deal +ith this@ 4ou +ere the only one +ho understood
me@ My love #or you +as +hat kept me going* !ut it's getting harder +ith everyone saying that
it +asn't really love@ 7 kno+ that it +as love@ &hat love kept me going* and no+* in the end* it's
also +hat's tearing me apart@ 7 suppose that you could say that it's almost like a drug@ $ove*
that is@ 7 +as do+n +hen +e met* and your love helped me to get out o# my rut* and up into
the clouds@ 7 can't live +ithout your love* so it's no+ clear +hat 7 have to do@ 'uliet said to
)omeo* Dand all my #ortunes at thy #oot 7'll lay* and #ollo+ thee my lord throughout the
+orldD@ ,o+ it's my turn to #ollo+ you throughout the +orld or a#ter +orld@ 7 don't care +here
+e are as long as +e're together* and the only +ay that +e can !e together is in death@
7n your note you said that there +as nothing that 7 could do to stop you@ ,o+* there's nothing
that you can do to stop me@ 7'm coming to Coin you* 'ackE
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&A.$-
3inan%ial realities are im&ediments to Mar%ieBs going to %am&. .ut she is understanding and
su&&orti"e.
-tIs like thisL My #ather has !een out o# +ork #or almost si8 months no+@ &hey laid him o##
!ecause things +ere slo+ at the #actory@ &hey laid o## over three thousand people do+n there@
&he +hole to+n is su##ering !ecause o# it@
?p Mtil no+* +eIve al+ays had everything +eIve ever needed@ .ro!a!ly more* 7 think@ (eIve
al+ays lived really +ell@ And my mother has never had to +ork !ecause my #ather has al+ays
had a good Co!@ Be#ore he +as laid o##* he supervised a +hole group@
&he day he +as #ired +as a very unsettling day #or all o# us@ ?nsettling most o# all* 7 think*
!ecause o# the +ay it a##ected my #ather@ &he +hole thing really !rought him do+n@ "eIs
usually this cheer#ul* happy-go-lucky type o# person +ho is the last one to complain or !e
upset !y pro!lems@ (hen every!ody else is in the dumps* heIs al+ays the one +ho cheers
them up and gets things !ack on track* you kno+@ "eIs an optimist@ At least he used to !e*
any+ay@ ,o+* 7Im not sure@
7t seems that !eing #ired changed him* altered him@ "eIs Cust not +hat he used to !e@ ,ot like
!e#ore@ 7tIs like there is this@@@ this something missing in him* you kno+@ $ike some vital part@
$ike this something important +as taken right out o# him@ 7 guess itIs his #eeling o# dignity
and sel#-respect@ And then there has to !e lots o# pressure@ 4ou can see it in him@
"eIs !een all over to+n looking #or +ork@ "eIs even sent resumes to companies out o# to+n@
But so #ar* nothing@ -nly o##ers #or stupid Co!s that +onIt pay enough to support the #amily@
Some nights +hen he comes home #rom intervie+s and Co! hunting* he Cust sits in his chair
and doesnIt speak to anyone@ "e Cust sits and looks o## into space@ Even though he doesnIt
say anything* you can tell heIs hurting@ 7tIs really sad@
$ast +eek* Mom took a Co! at Smith 0 (e!sterIs department store@ SheIll !e +orking in the
accounting department@ And my !rother got this Co! do+n at "endersonIs hard+are@ (eIre
all pitching in@ 7tIs the least +e can do@ At a time like this* a #amily has to pull together@
So this year 7 +onIt !e going to camp@ "ey* the +ay things are* camp is out o# the Auestion@
7nstead* 7Ill !e +orking part-time at McDonaldIs@ (ho kno+s* may!e itIll !e !etter than
goo#ing o## all summer* anyho+@ Already Cust the thought o# !eing a!le to help out is a lot
more upli#ting than the thought o# sitting around roasting marshmallo+s #or three +eeks@
Besides* the mosAuitoes eat me alive@
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&A.4
Mary$ a teen al%oholi%$ tells of her &roblem.
7Im an alcoholic@ (ith some kids itIs drugs@ (ith me itIs alcohol@ 4eah* you heard right*
7Im an alcoholic* a card-carrying mem!er o# AA@
Both o# my parents are alcoholics@ rom as #ar !ack as 7 can remem!er* drinking +as a !ig
part o# the #amily scene@ Boo5e +as every+here@ &hey say +hen you gro+ up in this kind o#
environment* youIre more inclined to !e a drinker yoursel#@ And then thereIs the genetic
angle@ -#ten itIs part o# the genetic makeup* a kind o# alcoholic heritage@ Although 7 canIt
stand around !laming genetics and my parents@ Because !lame doesnIt solve anything@
Blaming is Cust a cop-out to avoid looking into yoursel#* you kno+@ Blame sucks@
But you can only avoid coming to grips +ith the pro!lem #or so long@ 7# you donIt* youIll
+ind up trashing your li#e@ 7 almost hit the !ottom mysel#@ Even at my age* 7 +as in !ig-time
trou!le !ecause alcohol had a hold on me and 7 +as letting it ruin my li#e@ 7t +as as though it
had this spell on me* this . . . this hold@ 7 +as totally into it@ 7t +as this strong* overpo+ering*
destructive thing pulling me do+n #urther and #urther every day@
(e al+ays had !oo5e around the house@ My parents had this +ell-stocked !ar in their rec
room +here they had these !ashes +here every!ody got smashed@ &his is +here 7 started
drinking@ &hey used to let me have !eer !ecause they thought it +as cute to see a kid drink@
And 7 liked the +ay it tasted@ )ight #rom the #irst* 7 liked the taste o# alcohol@ And* like 7 said*
they thought it +as #un to see me drink@ A real Coke* huhB -nly trou!le is* the Coke +as on me@
&hen 7 started drinking +hen they +erenIt around@ 7Id sneak o## to the !ar and have a !eer or
t+o@ &hen 7 started e8perimenting +ith the hard stu##@ A#ter a +hile* 7 couldnIt !e +ithout it@ 7
craved it@ Sometimes 7Id +ake up in the middle o# the night thinking a!out it and sneak do+n
and pour mysel# a drink@
Alcohol seemed to make things !etter@ &hings 7 +as a#rald o# seemed to !e easier +hen 7 +as
drinking@ 7Id drink !e#ore dates and !e#ore e8ams* anytime 7 #elt nervous or unsure@ 7 #elt sa#e
+henever 7 cra+led into the !ottle@ &o the point +here 7 +as loaded a lot o# the time and
getting into more and more scrapesJ like +recking cars and +aking up in strange places@ 7
+as on a slide@ 7 +as in serious trou!le@ 7 +as on my +ay do+n@ But 7 pulled out@ &hank %od 7
pulled out@ 7 got into AA +ith my parents@ ,o+ +eIre all so!er@ "ave !een #or some time@
7t sure is neat +aking up kno+ing that youIre so!er and #ree@
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.03-
E8cuse me* Ms@ Strong@ (hat +as all that* no* not &uesdayB 7 mean 7 don't al+ays have to go
to my Mother's on &uesdays* no 7 Cust had to say* no* not &uesday* you don't get old )ose as
easy as that 'im Beam* you've got to put yoursel# out #or something special* !ut not too #ar cos
you
can haver her (ednesday* 7 mean* +hy didn't 7 Cust say* &uesday* #ineE &hank youE ancy
youE -rL get lost Beam* !ack to the -##ice and play +ith your paper clips* !ut no* not
&uesday* sorry (ednesdayB -h* +hat a girly game@ And a#ter all that pro!a!ly all he +ants is
a good chat a!out
records o# reading and !reakthrough to literacy and here am 7 getting mysel# into some@@@
(ell@@@(hen things seem to !e piling up on me a !it too #ast* 7 hop in the car and go and
see my old mate Sally@ She lives a!out hal# an hour a+ay do+n the !ypass@ And there she is*
and her tatty old so#a@ Been doing that ever since +e +ere at college togetherK someho+ +e
managed to get each other through all the !ad !its and the !oring !its* and #inally* even* the
#inals@ And then neither o# us taught* not then* !ut right through the late si8ties* +hen Sally
+as singing her songs +ith
'ake "ardman in the ?@S@o# A@and 7* +as having kids@@@even then +henever +e met* it +as
still -@K@ (flo&&ing.) -h* %od@

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3%A.09
A young girl tells what it felt li(e to ha"e been ra&ed and her &lans for re"enge.
AlrightE 4es@ 4es* 7 hated itE So +hatB or three months 7 #elt that damned thing inside me@ 7
couldn't stand it@ 7 couldn't go to school@ 7 couldn't leave the Christian Army home@ 7 hated
those !oys #or +hat they had done to me@ 7 hated my parents and those goddamn missionaries
at the home@ And* most o# all* 7 hated my !a!y@ Everyday goddamn day 7 +ent to chapel and
prayed to %od #or #orgiveness #or +hatever 7 had done to make him let those !oys rape me@ At
#irst 7 prayed #or "im to make the !a!y go a+ay@ But then @@@ then 7 kne+ that +ouldn't !e
enough@ 7 +anted to get !ack at those !oys@ &o hurt them like they had hurt me@ 7 !egan
praying to %od to let me have the !a!y@ &o have it !e healthy@ &o have it !e alive so 7 could
take it around to+n* sho+ everyone +hat had happened to me@ &ell everyone ho+ it
happened@ (hat it #elt like !eing raped@ ,ame the #athers@ Make the to+n hate them as much
as 7 did@ (hen 7 ran a+ay* 7 con#ronted one o# the !oys +ho had raped me and told him +hat 7
planned #or him and his !a!y@ "e !egged me not to do it@ .leaded +ith me to get rid o# it@ Cut
it out@ 7 laughed@ 7 +anted to ruin his li#e@ (hen he threatened me* 7 came !ack to the home@
&o protect the !a!y@ &o keep it sa#e #or me use against them@ &hen @@@ 7 miscarried@ 7 couldn't
!elieve it@ %od had had me raped then took a+ay my instrument o# revenge@ &he sono#a!itch
had killed the one thing that could've made @@@ my li#e @@@ accepta!le@ 7 cried #or days@ &hen*
later* 7 reali5ed +hat had really happened@ (hen 7 sa+ other !a!ies* other mothers* sa+ ho+
much they loved them* 7 +anted to love my !a!y* too@ 7 +anted my !a!y @@@ to love @@@ not hate@
And then 7 reali5ed that %od hadn't taken a+ay my revenge@ "e had done something +orse@
"e had taken a+ay the one chance 7 had had to turn something ugly into something !eauti#ul@
"e had killed innocence and hope@ "e had kept the evil alive@
:.eat) 7 hate %od
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3%.+-4
Shirley %an thin( of nothing worse than "a%ationing with her family.
So 7 tell Mom* 7 say* D$ook* Mom* 7Id rather eat a live snake than hang out #or t+o +hole
+eeks +ith you and Dad and ,orman in the middle o# some +ilderness in 7daho some+here@
Besides* 7 canIt take ,orman@ 7 donIt care i# heIs my little !rother or not* heIs a dork@ "eIs
!uilt like this little tank and heIs Cust as destructive@ (hy canIt 7 stay homeB 7Im too old #or
#amily vacations@D
And she says* D4ouIll have to talk to your #ather a!out that@D &hey al+ays cop out like this
+hen they havenIt got nerve enough to !e honest* to give you !ad ne+s themselves@ 7# 7
+ould have asked Dad* he +ould have said* D4ouIll have to talk to your mother a!out that@D
4ou ever notice ho+ they do thatB .ass the !uckB A neat trick* huhB So much #or parents@
So 7 go and talk to Dad and tell him that the thought o# spending t+o +eeks in the !ack o# our
van +ith ,orman makes me puke@ Besides* +ho needs 7dahoB $ike +hat the hell does 7daho
have to o##er* anyho+B .otatoes* rightB "ey* summerIs short enough +ithout having to spend
it in misery in the middle o# no+here in a tent +ith no toilet@
But* o# course* Dad doesnIt see it this +ay@ -h* no@ "e doesnIt understand that #amily
vacations suck #or kids my age@
"e says* D7daho is !eauti#ul and peace#ul and itIll !e like a nice place #or the #amily to get to
kno+ each other@D "ey* like 7 donIt already kno+ my o+n #amilyB And !esides* +hile the
#amilyIs getting to kno+ each other* $arry +ill !e getting to kno+ Susan 'amison !ecause 7
+onIt !e around to keep an eye on him@ Susan 'amison@ Sneaky little !itchE
(hen 7 try to e8plain that 7Im old enough to stay home alone and that all my #riends are here
and that !ackpacking isnIt my thing and that ,orman is a potential mass murderer* he goes
and #lies o## in all directions@ "e says* D$isten* Shirley* this is our vacation* and youIre going
to enCoy it +hether you like it or not@D Can you !elieve thisB "o+ M!out this #or scre+ed-up
logicB .arents !ecome maCor-league airheads +hen they donIt +ant to listen to reason@
So* 7 guess 7 gotta go to 7daho and play like another potato #or a couple o# +eeks@ (hile you
guys are all here living like civili5ed* normal human !eings* hanging out at the mall and
partying* 7Ill !e +alking to the Cohn in the +ilderness someplace hand in hand +ith a gri55ly
!ear@ 4ouIve got it made* you kno+ that* SharonB 4ouIre lucky your parents are divorced@
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3ophistry
#obin
(hen 7 +as a little girl* 7 +as so con#ident and certain daydreaming in my su!ur!an 7llinois
!edroom* all nice and sa#e and clean and #rilly@ My parents* +ho are here right no+- +ave to
the cro+d* #olks@ :&oints; &hatXs them@ &hey used to make me settle #ights +ith my
playmates@ &heyXd call them de!ates* !ut donXtX let that #ool you@ &hey +ere #ights@ &his
schoolXs administrators recently paid an enormous sum o# money to settle@ &o keep a #ormer
pro#essor #rom taking them to court to challenge a decision they made@ &his doesnXt #eel like
a #ight* or a de!ate- not really@ &his #eels like compromise@ &his #eels 4 very "ollo+@ (hat is
this supposed to mean to us* as +eXre a!out to graduate #rom this place* +ith diplomas #rom
an institution thatXs telling us to settleB 7 kno+ that eventually* +hen understanding runs out*
there is a need #or Cudgment* !ut +ho is Auali#ied to CudgeB (ho picks the CudgesB (ho
decides that itXs okay- to settleB Every!ody in my hometo+n +as shocked +hen 7 chose this
place* !ut hey shouldnXt have !een@ Martha %raham danced here* 7 used to envision mysel# B
secretly* o# course- as the heir apparent to Martha %raham@ "ere +as a +oman making e8otic
shapes- her shapes made more po+er#ul statements then all the tainted rhetoric in the air@ 7# 7
could only dance all o# this4 !ut4 7 canXt@ 7Xve tried to #ind some truth during my time here*
some +isdom* !eyond #ood and sleep and sec and sho+er@ (hatXs +orth giving toB 7 donXtX
kno+@ 7 +ish 7 did@ 7 suppose settling can also mean coming to some sort o# peace* and 7 do@
"ope +e all #ind some sort o# peace in our lives4 all o# us@ Any!ody4 any!ody +hoXs ever
!een in pain@ And +hether +e settle or4 not4 remains to !e seen@
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3trange 3now
.y= Ste"e Met%alfe
Situation= Martha 3lannagan is a shy high s%hool tea%her who s&ends her 3riday )-ghts at
home %orre%ting &a&ers and her saturday mornings %leaning u& beer %ans em&tied by her
brother Da"id$ a moody <ietnam "et who ma(es his li"ing as a tru%(er. .igA.oned$ and
formerly fat$ Martha still sees herself as a ;battleshi&. /ith the fa%e of an i%ebrea(er.; She
has gi"en u& on roman%e... or so she thin(s.
$ook* 7'm not one o# those pieces o# #lu## you see in men's maga5ines@ Does that make me any
less o# a +omanB 7t does not@ :,ause.; And 7'm a #ool !ecause #or some stupid reason 7 think it
does@ And so 7 !uy contact lenses and clothes 7 think 7'd have learned at the start@
(,ause@;David even had to get me a date #or my high school #ormal@ 7 +as on the decorations
committee* the tickets committee@ 7 put together the +hole thingE ,o!ody asked me to go@
David rounded up his #riends and told them that one o# them had to take me* or he'd !eat them
all up@ .ersonally 7 think they all dre+ stra+s@ 7 didn't really kno+ though@ Suddenly 7 +as
invited* that's all that mattered@ 7 +as so happy@ (ell* it +as something that couldn't !e kept
Auiet@ David's Blackmail@ 7 heard rumors@ 7 con#ronted David@ "e +ouldn't admit +hat he'd
done* !ut 7 kne+@ (&ause@; 7 got very sick the night o# the prom@ A t+enty-#our hour thing@
David meant +ell@
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1%- A<D109
his %omi% monologue is &rinted here in its entirety$ though written for a male a%tor$ by
%hanging a few &ronouns$ the &ie%e %ould be ada&ted for use by an a%tress.
My resume@ -h* #irst 7 should mention that 7 could play any o# the parts in this play@ Any@ 7
could play an ant* 7 could play $ittle )ed )iding "ood* 7 could play "amlet@ 7Fve never heard
o# this play* as a matter o# #act@ 7t doesnFt matter@ 7 can do opera* 7 can do commercials* 7 can
sing soprano* 7 can do my o+n stunts- 7Fm that versatile@ $eading man* leading lady* gay*
ingenue- you name it* 7 can do it@ &hatFs ho+ great 7 am@ 7 see you looking over my resume@
,oticing 7Fve never had a part@ 7tFs a real comment on this sick !usiness +eFre in* isnFt itB An
actor this good :he thum&s his %hest; and heFs !lack!alledE (hyB or re#using to sho+ up at
auditionsE Auditions are !eneath me@ 7 +ipe my #eet on them@ .eople should !e !egging me to
grace their theatres- producers should !e asking me to audition themE But those egomaniacs
+ho should !o+ and scrape !e#ore me - they have #orced me to !etray my principles and
come to this :said with utter %ontem&t; audition@ So no* no* don't !lame me #or demeaning
mysel# in this grotesAue positionG 7Fve +aited ten years #or them to come cra+lingG !ut
su##ice it to say they +ere too +rapped up in their o+n insaneG trivium to get the hint@ But
enough o# them@ $etFs get to the situation at hand@ 4ouFre sitting there typecasting me as a
leading man aren't youB 4ouFre thinking that !ecause o# my matinee idol glorious good looks*
and rich* sensuous* se8y* seductive* #etching* e##ervescent* tingly and charming voice* 7 could
only play a male lead@ ,o* 7 tell you* noE -!serveE An antE ('e %rawls along the floor in a
normal way.; And no+* King $earE :'e o&ens his umbrella and &retends$ in an aw(ward
mime$ to be blown around the stage.) 7 needn't mention* o# course* that that +as the #a!ulous
storm scene* out on the heath@ And no+* Brutus* impaled on his o+n s+ordE (Closes the
umbrella$ stabs himself with it in the stoma%h. Dies$ rather flatly.)
And hereFs a homicidal lunaticL :he gets u&$ &i%(s u& the umbrella$ wa"es it threatening
forward$ li(e a sword. his &art seems real.; %ive me the part or 7Fll kill youE 7Fll poke out the
vile grape Celly o# your eyes +ith the point o# my um!rellaE 7Fve !een +aiting ten years #or
thisE :.uts the umbrella down.) -K@ All the parts@ 7 should play all the parts in you little
production@ CapicheB Capiche@ ,ote the mastery o# the Spanish dialect@ 7 do it all@ ,o+* +ith
that in mind* hereFs myG :Abru&t &ause; (hat do you mean my timeFs upB 7 havenFt done
my monologue yetE (.eat) (hat do you mean* ne8tB (here do you get o## saying ne8tBE 7
memori5ed this thingE 7 took the su!+ay hereE 7 el!o+ed my +ay ahead o# do5ens o# pushy
actors and still had to +ait a hal# hour to get in hereE 7 wanna do my auditionE
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<nwedded ?e#ies
Toni
4ou told me once you'd listen to me@ Al+aysE (henever 7 needed to talk to you@ &he time has
come* my riend@ And 7 am not ashamed in my shamelessness@ 7 am lonely@ 4es@ 7 am utterly
and a!solutely lonely@ 7 #eel cold@ &erri!ly* terri!ly cold@ 7nside the very #i!res o# my heart
and soul@ 7 told you 7 +anted to !e alone@ &o stay +edded to my solitude@ Aspiring #or
something great and mightyE (here are those pillars o# lo#ty thoughts no+B &hose no!le
dreamsB %one* all gone@ E##aced #rom the very pillar o# li#e@ Dissolved into the pain o# living@
"o+ did 7 #ailB (hat did 7 missB (hat +as it +hich 7 couldn't #indB (hat +as that
'something'B (as it 'love' +hich 7 missed to share or nurtureB ,o* love is an illusionE Much
like the shado+ o# one's o+n sel#@ &he shado+* trem!ling +ith #ear* at the very thought o#
nearness@ &he closer it gets* the #arther it dissolves in to nothingness@ ,ever em!racing the
Sel#@ ,ever kno+ing the )eal@ Al+ays dri#ting* al+ays #ollo+ing* al+ays unattaina!le@ (as it
happiness +hich eluded meB ,o* not that Auicksilver a!surdityE (hat do my thoughts yearn
#orB or some rest* peace* some !liss inconceiva!leB ,o* they crave unrest@ Al+ays searching
#or some !lind* evanescent &ruth@ &ill they themselves are reduced to the cutting agony o# the
#lesh@ Carving #resh +ounds o# despair@ estering in their cold tom!s o# grie#@ Dying in their
o+n in#erno o# shame and misery@
(hy do 7 hear the mockery o# my o+n thoughtsB (hat are these hungers* passions*
de#ormities o# the !oy and soulB 7s pain the only kernel o# reality +orth cultivatingB Does
pain !reed CoyB (hy !e#riend Coys* +hen Coys themselves nurture on painsB (as .ast
edi#yingB Could .resent teach +isdomB (ould uture a!solve 7gnoranceB orgive me* my
#riend* this madness* !ut 7 must go on* raving like a #ool@ 7 have lived* 7 have loved@ 7 have
cried* 7 have laughed@ 7 have enCoyed* 7 have su##ered@ But 7 have not gained anything +orth
cherishing@ (hat +as that 'something' +hich 7 couldn't nurture* couldn't possesses@
,o+ 7 kno+E "o+ heedless +ere my thoughtsB "o+ gluttonous my longingsB "ad 7 divorced
my solitudeB "ad 7 agreed to marriageB 7 +ould have had my o+n children@ (ould have
kno+ the !liss o# a real home@ A +i#e* a mother* a grandmotherB Most o# all* a +oman* +ho
could look !ack on li#e +ith the promise-com#ort o# a home and #amily@ (ho could hold and
cherish the #leeting memories@ (ho could #lick !ack the pages o# li#e +ith pride@ ,ot +ith
regrets and empty longingsB 7 had no home* no #amily@ Even that 'something' +hich 7 couldn't
possess@ Most o# us deem our past glorious* didn't you tell me thatB "olding #uture close +ith
the promise o# hope* your o+n +ordsB 7t's only the present that most o# us are dissatis#ied
+ith@ -ne more o# your epigramsE Ages and ages ago@ "o+ the memories play mourn#ul
tunesB 7 look at the !lasted ruins o# my past +ith horror@ But all is Auiet no+@ Death and
darkness@ 7 hear Silence@ &hank you@
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$an't 8udge A ?ook ?y t's $o#er
6ictoria
Situation= wo friends are sitting around doing homewor(. <i%toria (se"enteen years old) is
rea%ting to what <eroni%a (se"enteen years old) 5ust said about 1ulie$ a &o&ular girl at
s%hool.
(both girls are sitting at a table$ doing their homewor() 7 #eel really sorry #or 'ulie@ Do my
ears deceive meB Did 7 Cust hear /eronica say that she #elt sorry #or 'ulieB 7 kno+* 7 kno+ that
is +hat you said@ "o+ could you possi!ly #eel sorry #or 'ulieB (ait* don't tell me@ 7 +ant to
e8amine the #acts mysel#@ ,o+* let's see shall +eB 'ulie Donn* moved to to+n a!out three* no
#our years ago #rom do+nto+n &oronto@ She is the e8act replica o# a Bar!ie doll - pretty* slim
+ith one o# those personalities to die #or@ ,ot much in the !rains department though@ :laughs*
sits do+n; 7# she +as a real Bar!ie* 7 +ould have to say that she +ould !e Mali!u Bar!ie
!ecause she is not smart enough to !e the pet doctor one@ And you can't #orget that !reathy
voice@ :mocking her; -h darling* 7 #orgot all a!out it@ Can 7 copy your home+ork and hand it
inB :!ack to regular tone; .lease* give me strength@ 4eah* 7 kno+ that +hat 7 Cust said deals
+ith +hat +e Cust see on the outside@ So +hat is your pointB 7'm guessing that you +ant me to
dive into that sea o# make-up to get to the inner person@ (ell okay@ She isGG (%hange of
tone) (ait* +hy do you #eel sorry #or the girl +ho +alt5ed into to+n and stole your
!oy#riendB &he same person +ho is your la! partner !ut yet the only +ork that she does in
class is #ile her #ingernails@ And don't #orget the 'ell-- incident +here she +as carrying a
!o+l over your head and DaccidentallyD tipped it and you got to +alk around all day +ith
green 'ell-- in your hair@ 7 kno+ that you have !een +orking at her house on your science
proCect* !ut o!viously you have !een spending too much time over +ith the princess in her
little castle@ Do 7 remem!er +hat you told meB 4ou mean a!out her pastB &he part a!out her
dad getting #ired !ecause he +e stealing money* +hich i# you ask me does not make sense
!ecause they are old money and +ere loaded to !egin +ith@ -r the part a!out her mom having
a #e+ a##airs +ith high up politiciansB -r a!out her !rother !eing a drug addict and her t+enty
year old sister marrying an eighty year old manB 7s that +hat you meanB -h@ 7 guess 7 +as a
little !it insensitive +asn't 7B -kay a lot@ 7 #orgot a!out all o# that stu## that she has to deal
+ith* !ut that is no e8cuse to !e mean to us@ Alright* may!e 7 should !e more considerate and
consider +hat she is dealing +ith !e#ore 7 Cudge her@ ,ever Cudge a !ook !y it's cover rightB
'ee5* 7 hate it +hen you point out that 7 am !eing insensitive or +rong@ 7 am not that meanE
But you kno+ +ho is really meanB A deep dark* 7 don't +ant to meet you in a dark a!andoned
ally kind o# meanB Billy@ &hat's right* Billy /os@ "ey* don't give me that look@ -h* 7 guess 7
am doing it again rightB

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D.AW 1%- +9-
$ook@ 7 can't keep living like that@ %oing like that@ 7 don't kno+ ho+ you do it@ ?p at the crack
o# da+n and Cust go* go* go @@@ leave the o##ice at midnight* rush home and #all into the bedA
%olla&se into the !ed @@@ it #eels like 7've Cust closed my eyes* Cust shut them* whenA(Ma(es an
alarm sound)Aall o# a sudden* the alarm goes o## and it's time to start allover againE (.eat.) 7
+ent to see my Dentist day !e#ore yesterday* you kno+* to have my teeth cleaned@ &hanks@
(ell* 7 said* to him* 7 said* Dr@ .arker* 7 have this pro!lem @@@ my gums are !leeding a lot@ And
he looked at them and he said* +ell* you take care o# them@ &hey look per#ectly healthy to me@
And he said* are you under a lot o# stressB And 7 said* no@ And he said* are you eating +ellB
And 7 said* yeah* sure@ And he said the human !ody is an ama5ing machine@ 7# you don't take
care o# it* it tries to tal( to you* to tell you something@ So he looked at my gums again and he
#inally said #or me to go on home@ But 7 +ent !ack to +ork@ (.eat.) Around midnight* 7 le#t
+ork and stopped !y McDonald's to get a <uarter .ounder on the +ay home@ $ike* my
evening ritual@ &hey kno+ me so +ell no+ they have it on the counter !y the time 7 get my
money out@ So there 7 +as at 3 a@m@ choking do+n this cold* crappy #ood +hich has !ecome
the staple o# my li#e @@@ 7'm eating over the !athroom sink* +ashing the makeup o## #rom under
my eyes and it's gotten +here 7 have to put it on so thick Cust so 7 can hide all the circles @@@
and 7 Cust started to cry@ 7'm* like* my li#e is my Co! and 7 hate my Co! and 7 hate my li#eE 7
cried #or hours@ 7 #inally +ent to !ed around da+n and unplugged my phone@ 7 slept #or 2>
hours straight@ And +hen 7 #inally +oke up* 7 called in@ And Auit@ (.eat.) 4ou Cust get to a
point +here you've got to dra+ the line some+here@ 7 +anted my li#e !ack@
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;09; 10 -D1.-&-3
7'm sorry* !ut 7 Cust can't take this anymore@ (hen you #irst got the idea* it seemed like a* you
kno+* a good idea @@@ !ut now... (.eat.) 7'm talking a!out all this -n"esting$ (alter@ Saving@
.lanning #or our #uture@ /hat #utureB 7 mean it's like* 7'm sorry* !ut 7 +ould kind o# like to eat
today* all rightB 7s that all right +ith youB $ook* may!e that investment guy +as right@ D.ut
a+ay everything you can* while you can@D May!e he had a &oint. But it's Cust like +ith
everything* you've run amok +ith this +hole idea and it's sno+!alled on us and no+ it's
practically impossi!le to liveE (e have !een eating stale !read and generic !ologna #or a
+eekE 'ust loo(ing at that enormous pink roll o# meat in the re#rigerator makes me gagE 7t
looks like a !ig* #at* sun!urned man's armE -h* and 7'm sure you +ould've !ought the
eighteen-pound economy si5e can o# /ienna Sausages i# you'd seen them@ But 7 hid themE
"ahE 7 stood right in #ront o# them so you couldn't see them at the checkout standE (.eat.) My
%od* listen to me @@@ 7'm losing my mind@ 7t must !e all that +alking* +alking* +alking since
you took a+ay my su!+ay money@ And the heat@ Since +e stopped using the air- conditioner
in the middle o# this #riggin' heat +aveE -h* !ut +e are sa"ing money$ aren't +e* (alterB
(e're tucking those pennies a+ayE (e don't go out to the movies anymore* +e don't go out to
dinner* +e don't take pu!lic transportation* all +e do is go to +ork and then come home and
sit and s+eat@ But Cust think o# all the money +e're savingE 'ust think o# all the money that's
!eing investedE (ell* +hat the hell good is saving all this damn money i# +e don't survive
long enough to use it2 (.eat.) Be reasona!le* (alter@ 7 mean* you al+ays go to e8tremes +ith
everything@ But this time your going to e8tremes is driving me over the edge@ (hat do you
say +e turn the air-conditioner onB 'ust #or a #e+ minutes@ 7 promise you '22 like it@ And i#
you don't @@@ +ell* then@ 7'll Cust kill you@

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;0332
7'm tired o# this@ 7 am al+ays !eing !lamed as !eing the one +ho starts gossip @@@ !ut 7 don't
start it@ 7 don'tE 7 Cust kind o# @@@ Coin in +ith it a#ter it's started to move along@ Kind o# like* you
kno+ ho+ a sno+!all does* rolling do+n a !ig huge slope* and as it gets going it picks up
sno+#lakes and it gets !igger and !iggerB (ell* 7 guess you could say 7'm Cust one o# those
little sno+#lakes@ &hose tiny* tiny* itty-!itty little sno+#lakes@ .er#ectly harmless @@@ on my
o+n@ But once 7 get attached to the sno+!all@@@ (.eat.) 7'm a#raid 7'm con#using you* aren't 7B
Am 2 con#using youB Wdon't mean to* it's Cust-l don't kno+ +hat comes over me@ 2 try to take a
stand against gossip in my everyday li#e@ 2 do@ 7 hear some a+#ul* a+#ul story a!out
some!ody and 7 try* +ith all my might* to !lock it out@ 7 read something shocking in .E-.$E
maga5ine and 7 turn the page as Auickly as 7 can@ 7 meet people and some!ody tells me some
dark secret a!out them and 7 &)4 ,-& &- BE$7E/E 7&E 7 D-E 7 )EA$$4 A,D &)?$4
D-E But sometimes it is Cust so seductive @@@ $ike +ith you@ 'anine told me that you used to
have this @@@ you kno+@ &his 5ob$ okayB 4eah* and 7 didn't want to !elieve her@ 7 tried to ignore
her@ 7 tried to not pay any attention to her@ $ike it didn't matter@ But the more 7 thought a!out
it* 7 reali5ed @@@ %od* may!e it +as* like* my duty to tell other people a!out it@ &o in#orm them@
&hat the guy living in >A* he used to !e a porn starE 7 mean* 7'm sorry the condo !oard voted
to thro+ you out and everything !ut shouldn't they kno+B 7 mean* it's not my #ault this
happenedE 7t's not like 7 started this or anything@ 4ou +ere the one +ho made those movies@
SADD$E S&?DSB 4eah* +ell* 7 rented it Cust to see +hat you-"ey@ Don't you dare tell
any!ody +hat 7 Cust said@ 'Cause* god kno+s* 7 don't +ant any gossip going around a!out me.
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1'3 901 40<
7'm sorry@ 4ou'll have to #orgive me* it's Cust @@@ 7 +ant you to kno+* it's not you@ :Beat@; (hat
7 mean is* 7 Cust haven't done this very many times and sometimes 7 get a little @@@ +ell* you
kno+@ $oud@ Carried a+ayB E8cited @@@ 7 Cust start screaming* out o# the !lue* and 7 kno+ it
must drive +hoever 7'm +ith cra5y@ So 7'm giving you your chance@ 7# you don't +ant to spend
the ne8t couple o# hours +ith me* you can say so no+@ 7 +on't !e o##ended@ :Beat@; 7t's Cust
stress@ &hat's all it is@ 7t's not you@ My doctor says 7'll get used to it a#ter a+hile@ D'ust keep
putting yoursel# in these kinds o# situations*D he says@ Stress#ul situations@ "e says 7'll Dgro+
out o# it@D $ike* 7 really +ant to do this more than 7 a!solutely have toB 'Cause* you see* the
+hole time 7 +as gro+ing up* all through high school* college* 7 never did this@ 7 +as a very
!oring girlE 4es* 7 kno+* 7 kno+@ 7'm talking a lot@ 7 do that a lot at #irst@ But once +e're-you
kno+* past the-once +e're off the-yes@ &hen 7 +ill stop Ca!!ering@ 7 promise@ &akeo##s and
landings really are the +orst part #or me@ -nce +e're #lying* once +e're up there straight and
level* 7'm not so !ad then@ .lus 7 al+ays !uy a!out a million maga5ines to keep mysel# occ-
see my stash under thereB-occupied* and 7 !ury mysel# in them@ But i# +e hit tur!ulenceE "ahE
7'm a lost causeE 7 might gra! onto your arm and cut off the circulationE :Beat@;--7 +as Cust
kidding a!out that@ :Beat@; $isten@ 7 can see you're a little @@@ uncom#orta!le@ So* i# you +ant to
move to another seat @@@ 7 +ouldn't !lame you@ $ike 7 said* 7t's not you* 7 s+ear* 7'm Cust a
!asket case* and-:Beat@; (hatB 4ou +ant to stayB -hE (ell@@@ 7'll try to !e e8tra good then@
:Beat@ $ooks around* pleased for a moment* then an4iety strikesL; $isten@ Are you gonna need
your air sick !agB 7 like to have a couple on hand @@@ Cust in case@
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,++9; 0<. +06- +/-
7t's not you. 7t's not you at all. ,o* it's-7'm sorry@ 7 kno+* 7 kno+* 7 +as really in the mood
!ack at your place* !ut 7 dunno* as soon as +e got here @@@ ,o* no* thatGs not the pro!lem* no*
there's plenty o# room@ ,o* the radio station isAitGsfine. 7t's Cust that-look@ 7 guess it's Cust me*
7'm sorryE 7 can't make love to you +hen there's a !ody in the ba%( of the %ar2 (.eat.) &hereE
7've said itE (-mmediately sorry.) -hE "ave 7 hurt your #eelingsB -h* ,icky@ 7 didn't mean to@
7t's Cust* 7 have a lot o# trou!le separating you #rom your wor(. 7t's like* +hen +e're at my
place* or your place* or at a nightclu!-+hatever@ 4ou really get my motor running@ But as
soon as 7 remem!er what it is you do @@@ the 62' motor Cust grinds to a halt@ ,o* it's not that this
isn't a nice hearseE &his is a* a "ery ni%e hearse. 4ou Cust have to try and understand ho+ it
makes me #eel@ )iding around +ith them !ack there al7a time@ 7 kno+* 7 kno+* you keep
telling me@ D4ou get used to it@D But it's three months no+ and 7'm not any+here near used to
it@ -r* like* +hen 7 dropped !y your o##ice the other dayB 7 took a long lunch so that +e
could @@@lock your o##ice door and steam up the +indo+s a little@ 'ust !ecause 7 missed you so
much@ And +hen 7 sho+ up* you're standing there holding some old man's &an%reas2 7 (now it
+as in a5ar2 But still. 4ou Cust don't get it* do youB 4ou +ant me to spell it out #or youB
4-?) '-B 7S K7$$7,% -?) $-/E $7EE And i# that isn't already !ad enough* to top it all
o##* you !ring me to a drive-in movieB $ike* 7 +ant to sit here like this in a hearse and +atch
)ight of the Li"ing Dead? (.eat.) $et me put it !luntly* ,icky@ $et me give you some good*
solid advice@ 7t's an old cliche* may!e you've heard itL D&+o's company* !ut threeA (gestures
to NNthe ba%(;)AthreeGs a cro+d@D
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%A&+-1::A$1 1W0 3$-9- 09-
02%-+A
My lord* as 7 +as se+ing in my closet*
$ord "amlet* +ith his dou!let all un!racedK
,o hat upon his headK his stockings #oul'd*
?ngarter'd* and do+n-gyved to his ancleK
.ale as his shirtK his knees knocking each otherK
And +ith a look so piteous in purport
As i# he had !een loosed out o# hell
&o speak o# horrors*--he comes !e#ore me@
Mad #or my loveB
My lord* 7 do not kno+K
But truly* 7 do #ear it@
"e took me !y the +rist and held me hardK
&hen goes he to the length o# all his armK
And* +ith his other hand thus o'er his !ro+*
"e #alls to such perusal o# my #ace
As he +ould dra+ it@ $ong stay'd he soK
At last* a little shaking o# mine arm
And thrice his head thus +aving up and do+n*
"e raised a sigh so piteous and pro#ound
As it did seem to shatter all his !ulk
And end his !eingL that done* he lets me goL
And* +ith his head over his shoulder turn'd*
"e seem'd to #ind his +ay +ithout his eyesK
or out o' doors he +ent +ithout their helps*
And* to the last* !ended their light on me@
"ave 7 given him any hard +ords o# lateB
,o* my good lord* !ut* as you did command*
7 did repel his #etters and denied
"is access to me@
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A3 40< +,- 1
.03A+9D, A$1 G 3$-9- A
&here is a man haunts the #orest* that
a!uses our young plants +ith carving ')osalind' on
their !arksK hangs odes upon ha+thorns and elegies
on !ram!les* all* #orsooth* dei#ying the name o#
)osalindL i# 7 could meet that #ancy-monger 7 +ould
give him some good counsel* #or he seems to have the
Auotidian o# love upon him@
&here is none o# my uncle's marks upon youL he
taught me ho+ to kno+ a man in loveK in +hich cage
o# rushes 7 am sure you are not prisoner@
A lean cheek* +hich you have not* a !lue eye and
sunken* +hich you have not* an unAuestiona!le
spirit* +hich you have not* a !eard neglected*
+hich you have notK !ut 7 pardon you #or that* #or
simply your having in !eard is a younger !rother's
revenueL then your hose should !e ungartered* your
!onnet un!anded* your sleeve un!uttoned* your shoe
untied and every thing a!out you demonstrating a
careless desolationK !ut you are no such manK you
are rather point-device in your accoutrements as
loving yoursel# than seeming the lover o# any other@
4ou +ould you could make me !elieve you loveB
Me !elieve itE you may as soon make her that you
love !elieve itK +hich* 7 +arrant* she is apter to
do than to con#ess she doesL that is one o# the
points in the +hich +omen still give the lie to
their consciences@ But* in good sooth* are you he
that hangs the verses on the trees* +herein )osalind
is so admiredB
But are you so much in love as your rhymes speakB
$ove is merely a madness* and* 7 tell you* deserves
as +ell a dark house and a +hip as madmen doL and
the reason +hy they are not so punished and cured
is* that the lunacy is so ordinary that the +hippers
are in love too@ 4et 7 pro#ess curing it !y counsel@
7 have* one* and in this manner@ "e +as to imagine me
his love* his mistressK and 7 set him every day to
+oo meL at +hich time +ould 7* !eing !ut a moonish
youth* grieve* !e e##eminate* changea!le* longing
and liking* proud* #antastical* apish* shallo+*
inconstant* #ull o# tears* #ull o# smiles* #or every
passion something and #or no passion truly any
thing* as !oys and +omen are #or the most part
cattle o# this colourK +ould no+ like him* no+ loathe
himK then entertain him* then #ors+ear himK no+ +eep
#or him* then spit at himK that 7 drave my suitor
#rom his mad humour o# love to a living humour o#
madnessK +hich +as* to #ors+ear the #ull stream o#
the +orld* and to live in a nook merely monastic@
And thus 7 cured himK and this +ay +ill 7 take upon
me to +ash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's
heart* that there shall not !e one spot o# love in't@
7 +ould cure you* i# you +ould !ut call me )osalind
and come every day to my cote and +oo me@
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A3 40< +,- 1:::A$1 I 3$-9- A
.03A+9D 19
4our !rother and my sister no sooner
met !ut they looked* no sooner looked !ut they
loved* no sooner loved !ut they sighed* no sooner
sighed !ut they asked one another the reason* no
sooner kne+ the reason !ut they sought the remedyK
and in these degrees have they made a pair o# stairs
to marriage +hich they +ill clim! incontinent* or
else !e incontinent !e#ore marriageL they are in
the very +rath o# love and they +ill togetherK clu!s
cannot part them@
Kno+ o# me then* #or no+ 7 speak to some purpose*
that 7 kno+ you are a gentleman o# good conceitL 7
speak not this that you should !ear a good opinion
o# my kno+ledge* insomuch 7 say 7 kno+ you areK
neither do 7 la!our #or a greater esteem than may in
some little measure dra+ a !elie# #rom you* to do
yoursel# good and not to grace me@ Believe then* i#
you please* that 7 can do strange thingsL 7 have*
since 7 +as three year old* conversed +ith a
magician* most pro#ound in his art and yet not
damna!le@ 7# you do love )osalind so near the heart
as your gesture cries it out* +hen your !rother
marries Aliena* shall you marry herL 7 kno+ into
+hat straits o# #ortune she is drivenK and it is
not impossi!le to me* i# it appear not inconvenient
to you* to set her !e#ore your eyes tomorro+ human
as she is and +ithout any danger@
By my li#e* 7 doK +hich 7 tender dearly* though 7
say 7 am a magician@ &here#ore* put you in your
!est arrayL !id your #riendsK #or i# you +ill !e
married to-morro+* you shall* and to )osalind* i# you +ill@
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A$1 I 3$-9- * -2+0;<-
.03A+9D
7t is not the #ashion to see the lady the epilogueK
!ut it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
the prologue@ 7# it !e true that good +ine needs
no !ush* 'tis true that a good play needs no
epilogueK yet to good +ine they do use good !ushes*
and good plays prove the !etter !y the help o# good
epilogues@ (hat a case am 7 in then* that am
neither a good epilogue nor cannot insinuate +ith
you in the !ehal# o# a good playE 7 am not
#urnished like a !eggar* there#ore to !eg +ill not
!ecome meL my +ay is to conCure youK and 7'll !egin
+ith the +omen@ 7 charge you* - +omen* #or the love
you !ear to men* to like as much o# this play as
please youL and 7 charge you* - men* #or the love
you !ear to +omen--as 7 perceive !y your simpering*
none o# you hates them--that !et+een you and the
+omen the play may please@ 7# 7 +ere a +oman 7
+ould kiss as many o# you as had !eards that pleased
me* comple8ions that liked me and !reaths that 7
de#ied notL and* 7 am sure* as many as have good
!eards or good #aces or s+eet !reaths +ill* #or my
kind o##er* +hen 7 make curtsy* !id me #are+ell@
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A3 40< +,- 1:::A$1 G 3$-9- /6-
2%-?- -- 12
7 +ould not !e thy e8ecutionerL
7 #ly thee* #or 7 +ould not inCure thee@
&hou tell'st me there is murder in mine eyeL
'&is pretty* sure* and very pro!a!le*
&hat eyes* that are the #rail'st and so#test things*
(ho shut their co+ard gates on atomies*
Should !e call'd tyrants* !utchers* murderersE
,o+ 7 do #ro+n on thee +ith all my heartK
And i# mine eyes can +ound* no+ let them kill theeL
,o+ counter#eit to s+oonK +hy no+ #all do+nK
-r i# thou canst not* -* #or shame* #or shame*
$ie not* to say mine eyes are murderersE
,o+ sho+ the +ound mine eye hath made in theeL
Scratch thee !ut +ith a pin* and there remains
Some scar o# itK lean !ut upon a rush*
&he cicatrice and capa!le impressure
&hy palm some moment keepsK !ut no+ mine eyes*
(hich 7 have darted at thee* hurt thee not*
,or* 7 am sure* there is no #orce in eyes
&hat can do hurt@
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A3 40< +,- 1:::A$1 G 3$-9- I
2%-?- 13
&hink not 7 love him* though 7 ask #or himL
'&is !ut a peevish !oyK yet he talks +ellK
But +hat care 7 #or +ordsB yet +ords do +ell
(hen he that speaks them pleases those that hear@
7t is a pretty youthL not very prettyL
But* sure* he's proud* and yet his pride !ecomes himL
"e'll make a proper manL the !est thing in him
7s his comple8ionK and #aster than his tongue
Did make o##ence his eye did heal it up@
"e is not very tallK yet #or his years he's tallL
"is leg is !ut so soK and yet 'tis +ellL
&here +as a pretty redness in his lip*
A little riper and more lusty red
&han that mi8'd in his cheekK 't+as Cust the di##erence
Bet+een the constant red and mingled damask@
&here !e some +omen* Silvius* had they mark'd him
7n parcels as 7 did* +ould have gone near
&o #all in love +ith himK !ut* #or my part*
7 love him not nor hate him notK and yet
7 have more cause to hate him than to love himL
or +hat had he to do to chide at meB
"e said mine eyes +ere !lack and my hair !lackL
And* no+ 7 am remem!er'd* scorn'd at meL
7 marvel +hy 7 ans+er'd not againL
But that's all oneK omittance is no Auittance@
7'll +rite to him a very taunting letter*
And thou shalt !ear itL +ilt thou* SilviusB
7'll +rite it straightK
&he matter's in my head and in my heartL
7 +ill !e !itter +ith him and passing short@
%o +ith me* Silvius
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&-.$%A91 0/ 6-9$-:::A$1 ' 3$-9- '
20.1A @'
By my troth* ,erissa* my little !ody is a+eary o#
this great +orld@
7# to do +ere as easy as to kno+ +hat +ere good to
do* chapels had !een churches and poor men's
cottages princes' palaces@ 7t is a good divine that
#ollo+s his o+n instructionsL 7 can easier teach
t+enty +hat +ere good to !e done* than !e one o# the
t+enty to #ollo+ mine o+n teaching@ &he !rain may
devise la+s #or the !lood* !ut a hot temper leaps
o'er a cold decreeL such a hare is madness the
youth* to skip o'er the meshes o# good counsel the
cripple@ But this reasoning is not in the #ashion to
choose me a hus!and@ - me* the +ord 'chooseE' 7 may
neither choose +hom 7 +ould nor re#use +hom 7
dislikeK so is the +ill o# a living daughter cur!ed
!y the +ill o# a dead #ather@ 7s it not hard*
,erissa* that 7 cannot choose one nor re#use noneB
7 pray thee* over-name themK and as thou namest
them* 7 +ill descri!e themK and* according to my
description* level at my a##ection@

irst* there is the ,eapolitan prince@
Ay* that's a colt indeed* #or he doth nothing !ut
talk o# his horseK and he makes it a great
appropriation to his o+n good parts* that he can
shoe him himsel#@ 7 am much a#eard my lady his
mother played #alse +ith a smith@
&hen there is the County .alatine@
"e doth nothing !ut #ro+n* as +ho should say '7# you
+ill not have me* chooseL' he hears merry tales and
smiles notL 7 #ear he +ill prove the +eeping
philosopher +hen he gro+s old* !eing so #ull o#
unmannerly sadness in his youth@ 7 had rather !e
married to a death's-head +ith a !one in his mouth
than to either o# these@ %od de#end me #rom these
t+oE
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&-.$%A91 0/ 6-9$- A$1 G 3$-9- A
20.1A --3
7 pray you* tarryL pause a day or t+o
Be#ore you ha5ardK #or* in choosing +rong*
7 lose your companyL there#ore #or!ear a+hile@
&here's something tells me* !ut it is not love*
7 +ould not lose youK and you kno+ yoursel#*
"ate counsels not in such a Auality@
But lest you should not understand me +ell*--
And yet a maiden hath no tongue !ut thought*--
7 +ould detain you here some month or t+o
Be#ore you venture #or me@ 7 could teach you
"o+ to choose right* !ut 7 am then #ors+ornK
So +ill 7 never !eL so may you miss meK
But i# you do* you'll make me +ish a sin*
&hat 7 had !een #ors+orn@ Beshre+ your eyes*
&hey have o'erlook'd me and divided meK
-ne hal# o# me is yours* the other hal# yours*
Mine o+n* 7 +ould sayK !ut i# mine* then yours*
And so all yours@ -* these naughty times
.ut !ars !et+een the o+ners and their rightsE
And so* though yours* not yours@ .rove it so*
$et #ortune go to hell #or it* not 7@
7 speak too longK !ut 'tis to pei5e the time*
&o eke it and to dra+ it out in length*
&o stay you #rom election@
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&-.$%A91 0/ 6-9$-:::A$1 * 3$-9- '
20.1A 19
&he Auality o# mercy is not strain'd*
7t droppeth as the gentle rain #rom heaven
?pon the place !eneathL it is t+ice !lestK
7t !lesseth him that gives and him that takesL
'&is mightiest in the mightiestL it !ecomes
&he throned monarch !etter than his cro+nK
"is sceptre sho+s the #orce o# temporal po+er*
&he attri!ute to a+e and maCesty*
(herein doth sit the dread and #ear o# kingsK
But mercy is a!ove this sceptred s+ayK
7t is enthroned in the hearts o# kings*
7t is an attri!ute to %od himsel#K
And earthly po+er doth then sho+ likest %od's
(hen mercy seasons Custice@ &here#ore* 'e+*
&hough Custice !e thy plea* consider this*
&hat* in the course o# Custice* none o# us
Should see salvationL +e do pray #or mercyK
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
&he deeds o# mercy@ 7 have spoke thus much
&o mitigate the Custice o# thy pleaK
(hich i# thou #ollo+* this strict court o# /enice
Must needs give sentence 'gainst the merchant there@
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A &D3<&&-.C3 9;%1 D.-A& A$1 A 3$-9- '
/A.4 (to 2uck)
-ver hill* over dale*
&horough !ush* thorough !rier*
-ver park* over pale*
&horough #lood* thorough #ire*
7 do +ander every+here*
S+i#ter than the moon's sphereK
And 7 serve the #airy Aueen*
&o de+ her or!s upon the green@
&he co+slips tall her pensioners !eL
7n their gold coats spots you seeK
&hose !e ru!ies* #airy #avours*
7n those #reckles live their savoursL
7 must go seek some de+drops here
And hang a pearl in every co+slip's ear@
are+ell* thou lo! o# spiritsK 7'll !e goneL
-ur Aueen and all our elves come here anon@
Either 7 mistake your shape and making Auite*
-r else you are that shre+d and knavish sprite
Call'd )o!in %ood#ello+L are not you he
&hat #rights the maidens o# the villageryK
Skim milk* and sometimes la!our in the Auern
And !ootless make the !reathless house+i#e churnK
And sometime make the drink to !ear no !armK
Mislead night-+anderers* laughing at their harmB
&hose that "o!go!lin call you and s+eet .uck*
4ou do their +ork* and they shall have good luckL
Are not you heB
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A &D3<&&-.C3 9;%1 D.-A& A$1 ' 3$-9- '
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"o+ happy some o'er other some can !eE
&hrough Athens 7 am thought as #air as she@
But +hat o# thatB Demetrius thinks not soK
"e +ill not kno+ +hat all !ut he do kno+L
And as he errs* doting on "ermia's eyes*
So 7* admiring o# his AualitiesL
&hings !ase and vile* #olding no Auantity*
$ove can transpose to #orm and dignityL
$ove looks not +ith the eyes* !ut +ith the mindK
And there#ore is +ing'd Cupid painted !lindL
,or hath $ove's mind o# any Cudgement tasteK
(ings and no eyes #igure unheedy hasteL
And there#ore is $ove said to !e a child*
Because in choice he is so o#t !eguiled@
As +aggish !oys in game themselves #ors+ear*
So the !oy $ove is perCured every +hereL
or ere Demetrius look'd on "ermia's eyne*
"e hail'd do+n oaths that he +as only mineK
And +hen this hail some heat #rom "ermia #elt*
So he dissolved* and sho+ers o# oaths did melt@
7 +ill go tell him o# #air "ermia's #lightL
&hen to the +ood +ill he to-morro+ night
.ursue herK and #or this intelligence
7# 7 have thanks* it is a dear e8penseL
But herein mean 7 to enrich my pain*
&o have his sight thither and !ack again@
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A &D3<&&-.C3 9;%1 D.-A&=A$1 A 3$-9- A
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-* 7 am out o# !reath in this #ond chaseE
&he more my prayer* the lesser is my grace@
"appy is "ermia* +heresoe'er she liesK
or she hath !lessed and attractive eyes@
"o+ came her eyes so !rightB ,ot +ith salt tearsL
7# so* my eyes are o#tener +ash'd than hers@
,o* no* 7 am as ugly as a !earK
or !easts that meet me run a+ay #or #earL
&here#ore no marvel though Demetrius
Do* as a monster #ly my presence thus@
(hat +icked and dissem!ling glass o# mine
Made me compare +ith "ermia's sphery eyneB
But +ho is hereB $ysanderE on the groundE
DeadB or asleepB 7 see no !lood* no +ound@
$ysander i# you live* good sir* a+ake@
4ou love meBB
(here#ore +as 7 to this keen mockery !ornB
(hen at your hands did 7 deserve this scornB
7s't not enough* is't not enough* young man*
&hat 7 did never* no* nor never can*
Deserve a s+eet look #rom Demetrius' eye*
But you must #lout my insu##iciencyB
%ood troth* you do me +rong* good sooth* you do*
7n such disdain#ul manner me to +oo@
But #are you +ellL per#orce 7 must con#ess
7 thought you lord o# more true gentleness@
-* that a lady* o# one man re#used@
Should o# another there#ore !e a!used
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A &D3<&&-.C3 9;%1 D.-A& A$1 G 3$-9- A
%-.&A 2
,o+ 7 !ut chideK !ut 7 should use thee +orse*
or thou* 7 #ear* hast given me cause to curse*
7# thou hast slain $ysander in his sleep*
Being o'er shoes in !lood* plunge in the deep*
And kill me too@
&he sun +as not so true unto the day
As he to meL +ould he have stolen a+ay
rom sleeping "ermiaB 7'll !elieve as soon
&his +hole earth may !e !ored and that the moon
May through the centre creep and so displease
"er !rother's noontide +ith Antipodes@
7t cannot !e !ut thou hast murder'd himK
So should a murderer look* so dead* so grim@
(hat's this to my $ysanderB +here is heB
Ah* good Demetrius* +ilt thou give him meB
,oBE
-ut* dogE out* curE thou drivest me past the !ounds
-# maiden's patience@ "ast thou slain him* thenB
"ence#orth !e never num!er'd among menE
-* once tell true* tell true* even #or my sakeE
Durst thou have look'd upon him !eing a+ake*
And hast thou kill'd him sleepingB - !rave touchE
Could not a +orm* an adder* do so muchB
An adder did itK #or +ith dou!ler tongue
&han thine* thou serpent* never adder stung@
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A &D3<&&-.C3 9;%1 D.-A& A$1 G 3$-9- A
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4ou do advance your cunning more and more@
(hen truth kills truth* - devilish-holy #rayE
&hese vo+s are "ermia'sL +ill you give her o'erB
(eigh oath +ith oath* and you +ill nothing +eighL
4our vo+s to her and me* put in t+o scales*
(ill even +eigh* and !oth as light as tales@
- spiteE - hellE 7 see you all are !ent
&o set against me #or your merrimentL
7# you +e re civil and kne+ courtesy*
4ou +ould not do me thus much inCury@
Can you not hate me* as 7 kno+ you do*
But you must Coin in souls to mock me tooB
7# you +ere men* as men you are in sho+*
4ou +ould not use a gentle lady soK
&o vo+* and s+ear* and superpraise my parts*
(hen 7 am sure you hate me +ith your hearts@
4ou !oth are rivals* and love "ermiaK
And no+ !oth rivals* to mock "elenaL
A trim e8ploit* a manly enterprise*
&o conCure tears up in a poor maid's eyes
(ith your derisionE none o# no!le sort
(ould so o##end a virgin* and e8tort
A poor soul's patience* all to make you sport@
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&<$% AD0 A?0<1 901%9;=A$1 A 3$-9- '
?-A1.$- 2
"o+ tartly that gentleman looksE 7 never can see
him !ut 7 am heart-!urned an hour a#ter@
"e +ere an e8cellent man that +ere made Cust in the
mid+ay !et+een him and BenedickL the one is too
like an image and says nothing* and the other too
like my lady's eldest son* evermore tattling@
(ith a good leg and a good #oot* uncle* and money
enough in his purse* such a man +ould +in any +oman
in the +orld* i# a' could get her good-+ill@
'ust* i# %od send me no hus!andK #or the +hich
!lessing 7 am at him upon my knees every morning and
evening@ $ord* 7 could not endure a hus!and +ith a
!eard on his #aceL 7 had rather lie in the +oollen@
(hat should 7 do +ith himB dress him in my apparel
and make him my +aiting-gentle+omanB "e that hath a
!eard is more than a youth* and he that hath no
!eard is less than a manL and he that is more than
a youth is not #or me* and he that is less than a
man* 7 am not #or himL there#ore* 7 +ill even take
si8pence in earnest o# the !ear-+ard* and lead his
apes into hell@
And there at the gate +ill the devil meet
me* like an old cuckold* +ith horns on his head* and
say '%et you to heaven* Beatrice* get you to
heavenK here's no place #or you maidsL' so deliver
7 up my apes* and a+ay to Saint .eter #or the
heavensK he sho+s me +here the !achelors sit* and
there live +e as merry as the day is long@
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,A.-9
7t's not you. 7t's not you at all. ,o* it's-7'm sorry@ 7 kno+* 7 kno+* 7 +as really in the mood
!ack at your place* !ut 7 dunno* as soon as +e got here @@@ ,o* no* thatGs not the pro!lem* no*
there's plenty o# room@ ,o* the radio station isAitGs fine. 7t's Cust that-look@ 7 guess it's Cust me*
7'm sorryE 7 can't make love to you +hen there's a !ody in the ba%( of the %ar2 (.eat.) &hereE
7've said itE (-mmediately sorry.) -hE "ave 7 hurt your #eelingsB -h* ,icky@ 7 didn't mean to@
7t's Cust* 7 have a lot o# trou!le separating you #rom your wor(. 7t's like* +hen +e're at my
place* or your place* or at a nightclu!-+hatever@ 4ou really get my motor running@ But as
soon as 7 remem!er what it is you do @@@ the ol' motor Cust grinds to a halt@ ,o* it's not that this
isn't a nice hearseE &his is a* a "ery ni%e hearse. 4ou Cust have to try and understand ho+ it
makes me #eel@ )iding around +ith them !ack there all o# the time@ 7 kno+* 7 kno+* you keep
telling me@@ D4ou get used to it@DBut it's three months no+ and 7'm not any+here near used to
it@ -r* like* +hen 7 dropped !y your o##ice the other dayB 7 took a long lunch so that +e
could @@@lock your o##ice door and steam up the +indo+s a little@ 'ust !ecause 7 missed you so
much@ And +hen 7 sho+ up* you're standing there holding some old man's &an%reas2 7 (now it
+as in a 5ar2 But still. 4ou Cust don't get it* do youB 4ou +ant me to spell it out #or youB
4-?) '-B 7S K7$$7,% -?) $-/E $7EE And i# that isn't already !ad enough* to top it all
o##* you !ring me to a drive-in movieB $ike* 7 +ant to sit here like this in a hearse and +atch
)ight of the Li"ing Dead? (.eat.) $et me put it !luntly* ,icky@ $et me give you some good*
solid advice@ 7t's an old cliche* may!e you've heard itL D&+o's company* !ut threeA (gestures
to ;the ba%(;)AthreeGs a cro+d@D
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+00, A1 40<.3-+/
7 +ish 7 could shoot +hoever invented cross+ord pu55les@ BecauseE &hey're stupid and they're
Cust some dum! +ay to eat up all your time@ (aste time @@@ kill time@ 7 hate that phrase@
DKilling time@D 7t's like* +e don't have a lot o# it to start +ith and +hy the hell are people
+asting it doing stupid +ord games and )u!ic's cu!es and all that crap like thatB ,o@ ,o* 7
don't mean DpeopleD in general@ 7 mean you$ Daddy@ 7t's like* you could !e out doing volunteer
+ork or* 7 dunno@ 'el&ing some!ody@ -r making a Dream Come &rue@ (hat a!out that
"o!!y Shop you al+ays +anted to openB (.eat.) (hy notB (ell* o# %ourse it's a lot o# +orkE
Anything +orth+hile is a lot o# +ork* !ut you could still do itE 4ou could !e !ehind your o+n
little counter* selling model airplanes to little !oysE But instead you Cust sit in here and Dkill
timeD all day long* day a#ter day@ Makes me so madE (hat are you waiting #orB "uhB Are you
Cust going to sit here #or the ne8t t+enty years and +ait around to die? And don't start giving
me all that crap a!out ho+ hard it is +ithout Mom here@ ,o@ 7 +on't !uy that anymore@ She's
!een dead #or almost ten years no+* Daddy@ Loo( at your self2 &ake a good* long look@ 4ou
don't have to +orry a!out anything @@@ you've retired early@@@ you're healthy@@@ you've got
enough money* it's not like you have to +orry or anything @@@ don't you +ant to do anything
+ith the rest o# your li#eB (.eat.) ,o@ 7 guessE donGt have the right to tell you ho+ to live@ But
7 do have the right to care@ And 7 do have the right to make you think@ So +ill you think a!out
it* DaddyB 'ust say you'll think a!out it@
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+06- 2++
&here it is again@ hat feeling. (She %lut%hes her stoma%h$ nauseated$ and ta(es a dee&
breath.) &hat shaky* Auaky #eeling@ 7t +ashes all over me every time 7 see him@ Every time 7
tal( to him@ Every time 7 even thin( o# himE (hen he calls @@@ +hen he sends me #lo+ers-oh*
hey* did you see themB (She gestures.) Aren't they !eauti#ulB And those over thereA(0estures
somewhere else.)AAhe sent me those yesterday* and thoseA(0estures to yet another s&ot.)Ahe
sent me those last MondayE Even though they're dying* 7 can't !ear to thro+ them out !ecause
every time 7 look at themAA(She %lut%hes her stoma%h.)A 7 get all +oo5y@ 4ou kno+ +hat 7
meanB -h* come on* )honda* you've !een in love more than any!ody else 7 kno+E 4ou
must've #elt this +ay* lots o# timesE See* 7 kno+ 7'm in love 'cause 7 get all +eak in the knees
and 7 #ill all up inside +ith !utter#lies@ But* see* that's the pro!lem@ 7 mean* 7 Cust love !eing in
love@ Don't get me +rong@ 7 love thinking a!out him@ 7 love talking to him on the phone-you
should see last month's phone !illE-But every time 7 think o# him* or every time 7 talk to him 7
#irst get all shaky and then 7 get +eak @@@ and then 7 get Aueasy@@@ and then @@@ and then @@@ (She
stifles a gag.) 7 have to barf2 (.eat.) 7 +ish they'd invent a pill* y'kno+B A pill to #i8 this@ A
$ove .ill@ &o settle your stomach +hen you think a!out* or talk to the .erson 4ou $ove@
(Clut%hes her stoma%h again.) -ops@ "ere +e go again@ 7'd !etter to lie do+n until the thought
o# him passes@ 7t's like* 7 +ant to tell him* Dyou make me sick* Charlie@D But 7 have a #eeling
he'd take it the +rong +ayE
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&A;9-1$ 2-.309A+14
,o!ody at the o##ice ever pays any attention to me@ (hen 7'm all alone at home on Saturday
and Sunday* 7 think up the most clever and ama5ing stories to tell and 7 go in on Monday
morning and 7 tell these stories around the +ater cooler@ But no!ody seems to care@ Malorie
Met5en!aum* no+ they love her storiesE She can talk a!out the most mundane things too* like
ho+ she caught a mouse in one o# those glue traps or ho+ she unclogged her gar!age
disposal@ And they Cust hoot and holler@ 7 don't kno+ +hat it is@ 7 guess she's Cust got some
kind o# magnetic personality@ -ne day* Malorie !roke her arm and she had to +ear a cast #or
si8 +eeks@ And the day she came in +ith it* every!ody made such a #uss and they all signed it
and +rote little personal things and oohed and ahhed and sent her #lo+ers and took her to
lunch@ And they even had this little party-thing around the +ater cooler +hen her cast came
o##@ So 7 +ent up to the roo# o# my !uilding and 7 Cumped o##@ -h* don't +orry* it's only three
stories and !esides* 7 landed on@ the grass@ 7 !roke a ri!* my le#t arm* cracked my pelvis and
#ractured !oth ankles@ 7 came to +ork in a motori5ed +heelchairE But no!ody made a #uss
over me@ ,o!ody signed my casts@ -!* it doesn'2 matter @@@ 7 get up every morning and look in
the mirror and say* D7 love you* 7 love you* 7 love you@D (.eat.) 7 guess 7 Cust don't have a
magnetic personality like MarCorie Met5en!aum@
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&A,9; 3$-9-3
?gh@ 7 think this cream sauce is curdled@ (ould you try itB 7 mean* Cust put a little on your
#ork and see @@@ (/aits to see$. then=) 7 thought so@ )ow +hat'm 7 gonna doB 7 +as so hungry2 7
+aited all +eek to come here and order the $inguini con .ollo and here +e are and no+ the
damn cream sauce is curdledE DAMM7&E (.eat$. %at%hes herself.) -hE E8cuse meE 7* 7 don't
kno+ +hat got into me* 7'm so sorry @@@ (.eat.) /hat? (hat* are you %ra7y? 7 can't send it
!ackE ,o* 7 kno+* 7 kno+ 7 can't eat it* !ut 7 can't send it !ack* either@ Because :She
a%%identally bites her tongue.) &"l&EEE 7 B7, M4 &-,E M4 &-,E (.eat.) &"E &7. - M4
*)0+!2 7 'A! 7& ("E, 7 D- &"A&EE (.eat$. loo(s around=) -h* let 'em look@ &hey've
never seen any!ody !ite their tongue !e#oreB And no+ +e have to go !ack and !lo+ up all
those stupid !alloons @@@ ,o* 7 ha"e to help@ 7 ha"e to@ 4ou can't do it all !y yoursel#* 'ohn@ ,ot
+ith your asthma@ 4ou get all lightheaded and turn !lue in the #ace@ ,o* don't !e ridiculous*
she's eighty-nine years old* +e're going to make sure she sees the damn !alloons* she might
not be here tomorro+E ,-E 7 AM ,-& SE,D7,% &"E --D BACKE BECA?SEEE (.olts
u& out of her seat=) 7 "A&E MAK-)0 A SC!)!2 A$)7%"&B ,-( (7$$ 4-? .$EASE
S"?& &"E "E$$ ?. A,D EA&B ("A& &"E "E$$ A)E 4-? C-M.$A7,7,%
AB-?&* A,4(A4B 7 SEE Y*+# --D CAME -?& A$$ )7%"& A,D 4-? ,E/E)
E/E, -E)ED M! A,4E (#eali7es e"eryone is wat%hing hersits down$ %alms herself
again.) &hank you@
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&;.A9-
(0ras&ing her tem&les as if in massi"e &ain=) -ooh@ 7'm sorry@ (hat did you sayB ,o* no* 7'm
#ine@ )eally@ 7t's 5ustA(Another wa"e of &ain.)Aanother one o# these Massive Migraines@ My
psychiatrist says they're psychosomatic@ "e told me to Dthink pleasant thoughtsD +henever 7
got them and they'd go a+ay@@ Bastard@ -# course heGs sitting there thinking pleasant thoughts*
7'm paying him a hundred dollars an hourE (.eat.) 7 kno+* 7 kno+* 7 thought they had stopped
too@ But they started up again last +eek +hen +e took .ookems to the manicurist@ (.eat.)
.ookems@ -ur &oodle? (e thoughtA(Another wa"e o#pain@;-ahhE-Charles and 7 thought it +as
time #or another manicure@ (Annoyed=) (ell* o# %ourse #or the dogE Do you mean to tell me
you have never taken your dog to the manicuristB (A&&arently not.) (ell@ 7 don't kno+ i# 7 can
recommend it too highly@ )ow. 7 mean* nothing horri!le had ever happened before. But this
time @@@ this timeA(Another s&asm of &ain.)Awe got a di##erent dog !ack@ (.eat.) 7 mean +hat 7
sayE (e took .ookems in and the man said D#ine* 7'll take care o# himD and so +e came !ack
in an hour to pick him up @@@ and it +asn't .ookems@ 7t +as Some -ther .oodle@ &he man
insisted it +as .ookems !ut 7 kno+ my .ookie-.ookie and this +as not himE (Another wa"e
of &ain=) (ell* that little Bra5ilian !astard has another thing coming i# he thinks he can get
a+ay +ith this@ (e +ill !reak him@ (e +illE 4ou'll see@ "e'll +ind up polishing nails !ack in
&aAuaritinga i# he-+hatB &aAuaritinga@ 7t's a to+n@ A to+n in* in Bra5il* it's whereA(Another
wa"e of &ain.) 7'm sorry@ 7 can't talk anymore right@ no+@ 7 think perhaps it +ould !e !est i# 7
Cust sat here @@@ and thought pleasant thoughts #or a moment@ (She begins to thin( &leasant
thoughts.)
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&.. <96-.3-
Bo! has al+ays !een an e8ercise #anatic@ "e'll get up every morning at =L96 and Cog #our
miles@ &hen he'll come home and s+im t+enty-#ive laps-or is it #i#tyB &+enty-#ive times* !ack
and #orth-B (hatever@ &hen he'll sit in his sauna-thing #or another t+enty minutes and ne8t
thing 7 kno+ he's out the door and o## to +ork@ At lunch he goes to the gym #or #orty-#ive
minutes and %od only kno+s +hat he does there @@@ and +hen he comes home at the end o# the
day* he rides that damn e8ercise !ike #or hal# an hourE 7t's like living +ith Mr@ ?niverseE
(hen +e go on vacation someplace* #7rst thing he has to do is #ind the "ealth Clu!@ ,o
matter +here +e are@ &hat year +e +ent to .arisB D<u est 7e Clu! d'"ealthBD Am 7 !eing
sel#ish* $auraB 7s it +rong to miss your hus!andB 7 Cust don't like sharing him +ith every
,autilus machine in to+nE Besides* 7 s+ear* i# 7 have to listen to that e8ercise !ike one more
timeL Dcreak* creak* creakD @@@ (Shudders at the thought of it.) 7t's not like he's suspicious or
anything* either@ "e didn't even see it@ As much carrot Cuice as he drinks* you'd think he'd have
in#ra-red eyes@ But 7 guess not@ 7 Cust stretched that #ishing line across the !asement steps and
tied it o## @*@ (She motions to a s&ot about si4 in%hes u& her %alf to illustrate.) @@@ and wham$
do+n the stairs he +ent@ (.eat.) 7 kno+ you don't approve* $aura@ 7 kno+ that@ But Bo! is
much more lovea!le +hen he needs me@ "e's much more caring +hen he's totally dependent@
"e's much more adora!le +ith a !roken hip@ .lus he's home and 7 can spend time +ith him@ 7
can take care o# him@ 7 can sho+ him 7 love him@ &he only thing is his !ones are starting to
heal and he keeps hinting that he misses his e8erciseE (hat am 7 going to !reak ne8tB
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&0D-+ 0/ ;00D &A99-.3
(hat is it +ith youB "uhB (hat is this* this o!session +ith #oul languageB 7t's like* every
third +ord out o# your mouth is a cuss +ord@ -r a se8ual act@@ 4ou didn't used to talk like this@
7 remem!er gro+ing up in ort $auderdale* you +ere al+ays a model o# good !ehavior@ ,o+
every time you open your mouth 7 #eel like 7'm trapped in a "ell's Angels Convention or
somethingE Do you think it's DcoolBD Do you think 7'm impressedB (ell* 7'm not* rank@ 7'm
surprised* yes@ DisappointedB May!e@ But impressedB ,o +ay@ 7 mean* +hat do you think's
gonna happenB 4ou think people +ill take you more seriously i# you say the DD +ord every
other +ordB "uhB 4ou think you'll land a great Co! i# you keep playing +ith your !alls all the
timeB 4esE 7've !een +atching you and you have !een playing +ith them all night long2
(.eat.) 7'm sorry@ 7 didn't mean to get @@@ personal@ 7 think +hat really made me #lip out +as
+hen you made that* that @@@ gesture at the +aiter@ MmAhmm.(.eat.) $ook@ 7'm +illing to #orget
+hat's happened i# you +ill try and do !etter* all rightB 7t's onlyA(Che%(s her wat%h.)AeightA
thirty and +e could still have a nice evening@ (e could still salvage +hat's le#t o# this date@
-kayB -kay@ ,o+@ 7'm going over there and try to patch things up +ith the +aiter@ And you2
4ou keep your mouth shut +hile 7'm goneE (.eat) *r else2
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&-1$<+0<3 2-.309
7'll !et you +ere one o# those people +ho* gro+ing up* you used to o+n one o# those la!el
makers* didn't youB And you put your name on everything you o+ned@ Am 7 rightB Mm-hmm@
And +hen you got your #irst car* 7'll !et you ordered personali5ed license plates* didn't youB 7
thought so@ 'Cause* you see* let me tell you somethingL Meticulous .eople like you have
al+ays made me sick@ ,o* you heard me loud and clearL sick@ Sick to my stomach@ $ike* +hat*
you're a#raid the rest o# us are going to steal your things? 7t's so incredi!ly paranoidE .ut. 7n
this case* 7 thank %od that you* /iola Oimmerman* are a Meticulous .erson@ 7 thank %od that
you are the kind o# human !eing +ho +ould put name tags in your clothes @@ 7 thank %od that
you are the kind o# individual@@@ (a(es out a &air of womenGs under&ants=) @@@ +ho +ould se+
your initials into the +aist!and o# your underpants@ (#eads=) D/@O@D (/a"es the under&ants in
the air with a mo%( %arefree attitude=) &hese +ere under my !ed@ (.eat.) 7 said* Dunder my
!ed* darling@D And since my initials don't have a D/D or a DOD in them* and since 'erry has
!een acting a+#ully #unny lately@@@ and since my ne8t door neigh!or's seen your car in my
drive+ay every night #or the past t+o +eeks +hile 7 +as in (ichita helping my sister have a
.A.Y (.eat@ %alms herself a bit=) (ell@ $et's Cust say you have !een caught* /iola@ Caught
+ith your initials do+n@ And this time @@@ you're not getting o## the hook@
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&01%-.'3 DA4
7 ast her* did she +ant some money or somethin'@ She Cust said no@ Shakin' her head like thisL
(Demonstrates.) So piti#ul@ See* she's al7a time comin' around here lately* hangin' around
+hile 7'm cookin' or +hile 7'm ironin' Clyde's shirts@ She Cust stands over there like a ghost@
Don't hardly say a +ord@ 7 ast her@ 7 said* you +ant Y36* childB &ell me@ 7'm your momma* you
can talk to yer momma@ But she Cust stands there* shakin' her head and starin' at the #loor@ 7
don't kno+ +hat's +rong +ith her@ So 7 ast her* D+hat* thenB 4ou pregnantB 'Cause i# you are*
7 ain't takin' care o# no !a!y +hile you go out* gallivantin' around@D Again* she Cust stands
there* starin' at the #loor all Auiet-like @@@ &hen that +as +hen 7 sa+ it comin'@ $ike a dam a!out
to !reak@ 7 could see her mouth start to shake-corner o# her lips* right here* start Auiverin'-D 7
don't +ant no money$ Momma*D she says to me@ So Auiet and trem!ly it sounded like a little
!a!y@ D(hat the hell do you +ant* thenBD 7 ast her@ She +as shakin' allover@ )eachin' up
to+ards me +ith them long* !ony arms@ DDon't you !e gra! !in' me +hile 7'm tryin' to +ork*D 7
told her@ D(hat is it you want?; She #alls do+n on the #loor in a little heap* Cust !a+lin'@
Screamin' and carryin' on@ She never cried like that +hen she's little* 7 tell ya@ 7 +ouldn't a
stood #or it@ 7'd a smacked the crap outta her@ 7 al+ays taught my girls* you gotta !e strong in
this +orld@ 7t's a hard +orld and you gotta !e strong@ But no matter ho+ many times 7 told her*
no matter ho+ many times 7 smacked her @@@ a+* she +as always +eak@ So no+ here she is*
#ull-gro+n and lyin' on the kitchen #loor* cryin' like a !a!yE (.eat.) 7 never did #ind out +hat
she +anted@ 7 ast her '#ore she le#t i# she +anted Y36@ But she never did ans+er@ She Cust
Cumped up* ran out to her car* and drove o##@ She never even +ished me a "appy Mother's
Day@
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&0D-.9:DA4 &A99-.3
(hat did you Cust do? 4ou--h* my %odE &hat +as the most o##ensive thing 7 have ever seen2
4ou-ugghhE CurtisE Aren't yqu embarrassed? Aren't you ashamed o# yoursel#B CurtisE 4ou
sniffed your arm&its2 (.eat.) 7 can't !elieve it P@@ 4ou didn't even try to disguise it@ &o hide it@
&o go into the !athroom and do it@ 7 thought this only happened in !ad television sho+s @@@ in
crude sitcoms @@@ in BPMovies @@@ 4ou kno+* +hen they sho+ these* these hill!illy rednecks
do+n in &ennessee or something@ hatGs +hen you see people smelling their armpits@E ,ot
hereO ,ot in a nice restaurant like this@ (ith &eo&le aroundE All these peopleE My %od*
CurtisE Do you reali5e how many &eo&le Cust sa+ youB (.eat.) 4eah* +ell* 7 don't %are that it's
hot outsideE 7 don't care i# it's 236 degrees out thereE &his is meE 7'm here* 7'm sitting right
across #rom youE (hat must they thin( o# meB (hat are they saying? &hat 7'm dining +ith
some* some im!ecile* some cretin* some primeval man* some %a"e man$ some-+hatB (.eat.)
(hat do you mean* it +asn't youB (.eat.) 7 don't understand +hat you're saying* +hat are you
saying* +hat do you mean* Dit +asn't you?; (Long ,ause. 'er fa%e slowly registers horror.
hen$ she sniffs her own arm&its) (ell* it's not me. (She free7es$ slowly loo(s around to
reali7e that e"eryone is now wat%hing her.) -h my %od +hat have 7 done? CurtisE
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09- &0&-91
"e Cust stared at the ground@ Straight do+n at the ground@ (e +ere outside his o##ice* and @@@ 7
Cust couldn't !elieve it@ -# course* you had to have kno+n my Dad to understand ho+ strange
that +as@ 7 mean* he +as the most convivial person 7've ever (nownAalways$ i# he +as in a
cro+d someplace* at a party-+hatever-he Cust made e"erybody #eel +elcome@ "e al+ays had
this sparkle in his eyes* al+ays made it a point to dra+ you in@@ And he +as a great #ather@ &he
!est@ (henever 7 needed him* he al+ays made time #or me* no matter ho+ !usy he +as at the
o##ice@ "e helped me +ith my home+ork @@@ 7 +ould never have survived Calculus i# it +eren't
#or himE 7 guess every!ody loves their parents@ &ries to #ind the good in them@ (ell@@@ not
e"erybody. But 7 couldn't !elieve he +ouldn't-he couldn't-look at me@ 7 called to him* 7 said*
DDaddy* it's meED But he Cust stared at the ground@ &hen he +ent past @@@ and that's +hen 7 sa+
the handcu##s@ "is hands !ehind his !ack @@@ the t+o men on either side@ (.eat.) ?p until that
moment* my main image o# him +as this !ig* strapping man* smiling #rom ear to ear all the
time@ But a#ter that @@@ all 7 could see in my mind +as this shrunken little #ello+ staring at the
ground@ unny* isn't itB "o+ one moment can completely change ho+ you look at some!odyB
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09+4 ,-1$%<2
(al(ing urgently to someone who is a&&arently lying on the5loor=) )oryB )oryE Are youPB
-h my %odE Are you okayB 4ou fainted$ honey@ 7'm so sorry @@@ 7 +as so scaredK you almost
hit your head on the-%od* 7 am so sorryE (;'e; as(s about something behind her@ she turns
and loo(s.) -h@ hat? &hat's Cust ketchup* honey@ Shhh* no* it's only ketchup@ 7 +as trying to--
shhh* no* no+* it +as Edna's idea@ 7 +as talking to her and telling her all a!out ho+ scared you
+ere !y the sight o# !lood@ (ell* you kno+@ 7t's gotten so !adE 4ou get all Aueasy +hen +e
see operation scenes on television@ 4ou a!out go into a sei5ure trying to gra! the remote #rom
me to change the channel@@@ and then* i# you don't change the channel in time* you have to go
lie do+n #or a minute -r +hen your ?ncle (illis starts talking a!out his !lood trans#usion @@@
uh-ohE (3ans his fa%e) SeeB 4ou're getting pale Cust at the mention o# it@ (Sto&s fanning=P
&here@ 7s that !etterB So* any+ay* 7 told Edna that 7 +as a#raid +hen 7 had the !a!y that you'd
!e* like-klunkE-passed out on the hospital #loor@ &hat you'd never make it through the delivery
+ith me@ &hat as soon as you sa+ one drop o# !lood you'd !e gone@ So she said* may!e 7
could* you kno+@ Break you in !y degrees. %et you used to the sight o# !lood in small doses@
So 7-+hatB (0estures behind her=) 7t's only ketchup* honeyE 7 thought 7'd start out +ith #ake
!lood and +ork up to real !lood@ ,o* no* 7 didn't cut mysel#* 7 Cust sAuirted some ketchup on
the-shhhh@ -kay* okay* lie !ack@ 7'll go get a damp cloth #or your #orehead@ (0ets u& to go$
sto&s$ turns to him=) But it +as only (et%hu&.
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3-93- 0/ %<&0.
Ah @@@ come here@ ,o@ Come a+ay #rom the +indo+@ -ver here* Cust step a+ay #rom the
+indo+@ (Loo(s around) &hat's !etter@ (hen$ a se%ret=) Did you ever get the #eeling you +ere
!eing +atchedB 4eah* +ell - do@ A lot. 7 get that #eeling all the time@ 7 don't kno+ who$
e8actly@ But 7 can #eel eyes !urro+ing into the !ack o# my head +hen 7'm out @@@ doing stu##@
(hen 7 go outside to get the ne+spaper in the morning @@@ +hen 7'm out #ront +atering the
rose !ushes @@@ +hen 7 go to the Sa#e+ay to pick up a carton o# milk@ SomebodyGs wat%hing.
,o+* you pro!a!ly Cust think 7'm paranoid@ But there's something a!out me you don't kno+L
A #e+ years ago* 7 testi#ied !e#ore a grand Cury@ -h* yeah@ Big* high-level conspiracy case@ 7'm
not at li!erty to go into details or anything @@@ !ut let's Cust say +hen you testi#y in #ront o# a
grand Cury a!out criminal activities @@@ it sort o# makes you uneasy #or the rest o# your li#e@
4ou al+ays have to !e +atching !ehind you@ 4ou al+ays have to have eyes in the !ack o#
your head@ Because* at any moment* they could come into your house@ )ight inside your
house @@@ and shoot you in your !ed@ Kni#e you in your sho+er stall@ .oison your .ineapple
Cuice@ By the +ay* did you have any o# my pineapple Cuice this morningB Did it taste all rightB
%ood@ -# course* sometimes their poisons aren't #ast-acting@ 4ou could drop dead in t+elve or
#ourteen hours @@@ and CarlB Carl@ (She brea(s out laughing=) 4ou must !e the most gulli!le
son o# a !itch 7've ever kno+n* !ecause 7 Cust made all o# this up@ 4ou saidPE 4ou said 7 didn't
have a sense o# humorP (Another wa"e of laughter$G then=)AAD Cust +anted to prove to you that
7 do2
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3-D<$16-
(hat +as that? Sedu%ti"e? hat +as supposed to !e seductiveB ,o@ (.eat.) $ook* Megan*
let's #ace itL you have a little !it o# n-ou!le proCecting seductive@ But don't +orryK 7 am going
to tea%h you ho+ to !e seductive@ 7t all comes #rom kno+ing that you are the one in conn-olK
not him. 7# you can esta!lish that you are in conn-ol* then he +ill #all allover himsel# to
impress you@ &rust me@ 7 (now. ,o+@ (hat is it that proCects sel#-conn-olB &hink a!out it@
4our eyes$ MeganE $et's say a guy comes up to you and inn-oduces himsel#-they will$ Megan*
7 promise you they +ill* it's a dan%e and you're gonna !e the prettiest one thereE Shuttup and
listen* +ill youB -kay@ ,o+@ "e comes up* he says* D"i* 7'm %regD-or* +hatever@ ,o+@ (hat
do you doB &here@ hat. (hat you Cust did@ ,o* no+ that is +hat you should de#initely not do@
&urn all into yoursel# and look do+n@ Don't play shy@ Men don't like it +hen you play shy@
&hat may have +orked #or )hett Butler !ut not in real li#e@ ,o* no* they may say they like it*
!ut !elieve me* 7 kno+@ 4ou +ant to !e in control@ So +hat do you doB 4ou look right at 'em@
)ight in the eyes@ ,ail 'em +ith a strong* steady look@ $ike thisL (Sure enough$ she &ro5e%ts a
%onfident$ dire%t$ and se4y loo(.) See* i# you play shy* they'll think they can +alk allover you@
But i# you nail 'em right #rom the start (he ((loo(; again.) @@@ you'll have 'em eating out o# the
palm o# your hand@ &rust me* Megan@ 7 kno+ 7 haven't !een* like* the greatest !ig sister in the
+orld @@@ !ut +henever you need good advice a!out menA-Gm the one to come to@
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1%- ;<-31
7've decided to give name to my enemy* my guest@ And +hy notB 7t has* a#ter all* !asically
moved in* unpacked its poisonous !ags* and completely made itsel# +elcome@ 4es* it's made
itsel# very +elcome +ithin my +alls@ And once you reali5e that a guest isn't going to go a+ay*
you start looking #or a +ay to communicate +ith it@@@ a name to call it@
7n the proper +ays o# the social +orld* a guest calls #irst* secures its +elcome +ith you@ &hen*
upon ensuring that +elcome* sho+s up on your doorstep +ith #lo+ers* a card* a gi#t o# some
sort that says they thank you #or your hospitality and +hich makes you smile as you take it
into your arms@ And a guest* a polite guest* kno+s +hen to take their leave@ &hey don't stay
past their +elcome* and they certainly do not commandeer your home* the place +here you
live* have lived* +here you e8ist@
My guest did not !other +ith any o# those polite dance steps@ My guest sho+ed up totally
une8pected* unprepared #or* undreamt o#* unthought o#* un+elcome@ My guest o##ered no
#lo+ers* no cards* no gi#ts that so#tened the !lo+ o# its arrival@ 7t did* ho+ever* !ring* i# not
gi#ts* repercussions@ Ends that in no +ay Custi#ied its means@ And means that in no +ay
Custi#ied its ends@ 7n my naivetZ* 7 sa+ no reason to call my guest* my enemy* !y any name@ 7
honestly !elieved that it +ould !e gone soon* on its +ay to another vulnera!le host@ 7 +as
+rong@
&he constant e8posure to my guest has resulted in disastrous conditions* not the smallest o#
+hich is the degradation o# my very soul@ &he very things 7've al+ays put my #aith in have
!een so cruelly e8posed to !e mirages@@@ +ish#ul thoughts that soon turned into desperate
clutches at +hat small threads o# !elie# 7 could #ind lying !eneath my #eet@ -pinions 7 had o#
mysel#* ripped a+ay@ aith 7 had in my o+n goodness* laid !are* sho+n to !e a #raud@
My guest* my enemy* has made me a prisoner in my o+n skin@ A victim o# my o+n heart@ A
target o# all the poisonous darts thro+n !y my o+n thoughts@ 7've !een trapped in here #or
Auite some time@ &he +alls around me !ear the scratches o# my o+n #ingertips* scored !ack
+hen 7 had the energy to attempt escape@ 7'm too tired* no+@ 7t looks like 7 may !e here to
stay* so +hy not !e on a #irst name !asis +ith my #riend +ho has made all o# this* and much
more* possi!leB
A#ter so long o# thinking along a certain path* it !ecomes nearly impossi!le to stray #rom that
path* to think any di##erently@ A#ter so long o# #eeling a certain +ay* every day* every night*
+hile conscious and +hile dreaming* you !ecome una!le to conceive o# #eeling any other
+ay@ A#ter seeing one color #or so long* you learn to #orget that any other color e8ists@ A#ter
hurting #or so long* you !egin to !elieve that you're alive only so long as you hurtK !leeding is
your proo# o# li#e@ 7've !led all over the place@ And !lood does stain* you kno+@ Sometimes*
no matter ho+ hard you scru!* those stains remain #irmly in place@ May!e #ainter* !ut still
there@ A piece o# you to remind you o# all the pieces o# you that you've lost@
Spending time +ith a good guest* a +elcome guest* +ill change you #or the !etter@ $aughter
#rom the heart* conversation that means something to you* e8periences that you can take a+ay
+ith you and hold onto #orever* a slight shi#t in your outlook on li#e that makes a #e+ o# your
!urdens seem Cust a !it lighter@ 4ou're al+ays a little sad to see them leave@ Spending time
+ith an un+anted guest +ill change you as +ell@ Su!tly* against your +ill* you see changesL in
the visions you have o# your +orldK they !ecome cloudy* #oggy* !lurry@ 4our colors change@
&hey !ecome darker* heavier* denser@ 4our songs change@ 4ou #ind you only +ant the music
that opens the door to your pain and sho+cases your destruction@ &he songs that used to !ring
in the Coy #eel so #oreign no+* so #raudulent@ 4ou !ecome sel#-destructive@ &he pain you
in#lict on your outer sel# is only a small re#lection on the pain that you struggle !eneath inside@
7n #act* most times* the physical pain #eels so much !etter@ Better than +hat* one may +onder@
Better than anything else you've !een #eeling@
Since my guest moved in* no part o# me has gone un!attered@ 7'm dented* cracked* !roken*
+eakened* darkened* saddened@ My ups and do+ns have smoothed out into a level line o#
do+ns@ &he scars have thickened +hile the skin has thinned@ My #ace has changed*
!e+ilderment no+ !ecome a permanent shado+ in my eyes@ 7 +asn't looking #or this guest* 7
+asn't hoping #or it and 7 +asn't e8pecting it and* thus* 7 +as in no +ay prepared #or it@ &otal
vulnera!ility@@@ 7 don't see ho+ it can ever !e a good thing@ Apparently my guest +as looking
#or me* though@ And i# not e8pecting me* +as at least good and ready #or me +hen 7 stum!led
!lindly onto the stage@ 7've heard that one can smell a #ool approaching #rom miles a+ay@
So@@@ let's make things at least proper* socially correct@ My guest* my enemy* my destruction*
my +eakness* a#ter all kno+s me !y name* !y heart@ 7t kno+s e8actly +hat to call me@ 7'm
claiming that right #or mysel# as +ell no+@
7 don't really have to commit a great deal o# thought on the matter@ &he ans+er has !een
niggling around on the edges o# my thoughts #or some time no+@ A name #or the annihilation
o# my #aith in mysel#* in othersK a name #or the most intense disillusionment 7've ever !een
thrust into@ 7 think 7'll Cust name it@@@ you

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1each &e %ow to $ry
By .atrictia 'oudry
ME$7,DA
7tFs cloudy@ 7tFs going to rain@ Do you like rainB 7 love it@ 7 love it !etter than anything in the
+orld@ 7 like to !e out in it@ (hen it rains in the night* 7 get up and sit looking at it* and +ant
to go out in the rain@ :pause; (ill you !e going a+ayB 4ou +ill* +onFt youB :,o ans+er@ She
goes #ront and looks do+n; &he cli## is steep@ 7 look up at it sometimes +hen 7Fm +alking
home #rom school@ 7# a person #ell do+n that cli##* theyFd !e killed@ -r i# they +ere pushed@
Stop talking to me@ 4ou talk and talk and 7 donFt understand@ %o on thenE As #ar a+ay as you
+antE 7 donFt kno+ +hy +e came to this terri!le place@ 7 hate it here@ &here arenFt any
#lo+ers-nothing@ &here used to !e music here@ 7t +as springtime* like no+* only people used
to come here@ &hey +ere in love* and they listened to the music@ A !and played@ &hey +ere
sad@ 7 seem to kno+ it@ 7 seem to hear the music@ 7t makes me +ant to cry@ ,o* 7 never cry@ 7Fm
cold-itFs getting cold@ 7tFs like crying@ $ike the sky crying@ (hatB My mother isnFt insane@
&hatFs-a-terrible-thing to say@ &here isnFt anything the matter +ith herE SheFs-she acts
per#ectly #ine@ SheFs Cust young@ :pleading; &hereFs nothing +rong +ith !eing youngE My
mother isnFt oldE My mother is never tiredE My mother looks a#ter me@ SheFs al+ays there-#or
me to go home to-and +e talk@ 7 can tell her a!out things-7 can ask her things tooE AnythingE
Anything at alE She helps me to understand@ She kno+s a!out me-:slight pause; (hen you
+ant to kno+ something* you ask your mother@ (hen youFre lonely* you go to your mother
and she e8plains things and youFre not lonely anymore@ (hen you donFt understand-+hen
youFre #rightened in the night-+hen youFre hurt-your mother makes things !etter@ She puts her
arms around you* and you can lean on her@ 4ou can lean on her@ :she is looking #ront; ,o* 7Fm
not crying@ 7tFs the rain@ &hey dry !y themselves@
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9othing ?ut 9onsense
ma
-ma is a "ery enthusiasti% weather girl who is e4&laining the tem&erature with mu%h
e4%itement. She>s "ery into her 5ob and (ind of silly.
%ood a#ternoon@ &his is 7ma Cutey * your &elevision (eather reporter* and 7 hope itFs
a +onder#ul #or you +herever you may !e-- ,o+ #irst* 7Fve had several reAuests #rom you
vie+ers* +anting to kno+ ho+ itFs possi!le to predict the +eather +ith such uncanny
accuracy- youFd like to kno+ Cust ho+ itFs done@ (ell* actually* thereFs nothing so very
mysterious a!out it* and 7 think 7 can e8plain it to you in a #e+ simple +ords@ :,i%(s u& the
&ointer and &oints it to the bla%(board) ,o+* here +e have a typical +eather map@ 4ou see
these cute little sAui!!les up hereB (ell* thatFs the high #ront@ And +hen they get together
right here and start +alt5ing around like this- arentF they s+eetB- +ell* thatFs +hat gives us
our +eather@ SeeB 7snFt that simple so #arB ,o+* +hen the high #ront dominates the lo+* thatFs
good@ But +hen the lo+ #ront dominates the high N thatFs nastyE &hatFs +hen +e get rain and
sleet and sno+ and-ooohh* 7 Cust hate those lo+sE And then o# course* you can have a lo+ lo+*
a high high* and a high lo+ and game--h* pardon meE 7 +as thinking o# something else- (ell
no+* Cust #or an e8ample* 7Fm going to demonstrate to you e8actly ho+ the +eather people
make their predictions@ ,o+* hereFs a high-pressure #rontK this little #ello+ +as !orn waay up
there in Canada and heFs coming do+n@ And hereFs a lo+-pressure #rontK heFs coming up #rom
the %ul# Coast-- :giggles; Silly thing- doesnFt kno+ +hen heFs +ell o##E (ell* high and lo+
keep advancing on each other* slo+ly* !ut surely* and +hen they get together- look outE
SomethingFs going to happen@ -ne o# them has to +in- +ill it !e high* +ill it !e lo+B (ell*
+eFll soon kno+@ Meantime* +e mustnFt #orget the other #actors that have a !earing on our
+eather@ &his is a cumulous cloud* and this is a cirrus cloud* and this is aJ7Fm not sure looks
like something my Auntie Minnie doddles +hen sheFs talking on the telephone@ "ere they
come* closer* closerJ%et ready no+Jget all set* theyFre a!out to crashJ:ra&idly; &here
they goE "ighFs do+nE $o+Fs upE "ighFs lo+E $o+Fs highE "ighFs lo+erJoh* the poor thingE
$o+Fs higherJstill higherJit looks like a +alkKl it looks like high hasnFt got aJ,o* +ait a
minute* +ait a minuteE "ere comes high againJheFs not licked yet* #olksE "eFs coming up*
up * heFs slo+ly gaining on lo+J(ill he make itB "igherJhigherJCan he do itB :shrie(ing
in her e4%itement; 4es* yesE "e did it #olks he did itE "igh +insJ7tFs high !y a +hisker and
+eFll have a +onder#ul dayE &hereE 4ou see ho+ simple it really is to predict the +eatherB
And no+* to conclude this educational session* 7Fll give you todayFs #orecastL Much +armer*
+ith !right sunshine and gentle* varia!le +inds@ 7snFt that +onder#ul* #olksB (eFre going to
have a really !eauti#ul day@ &une in tomorro+* #olks* #or more scienti#ic and accurate
in#ormation a!out the +eather@ [Bye no+E
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A $0<2+- 0/ W%1- $%$,3 3119; A.0<9D 1A+,9;
"annah Mae
Sa+ you mo+ing your la+n last night@ 7mmediately 7 !ecame intrigued@ 7 love physical
activity* !ut Carl 'oe doesn't permit me@ &hen you +ere done@ &he light goes on in your &/
room@ 4ou sit do+n* !ut you don't turn it on@ you Cust sit there looking at the !lank screen@
D%oddang*D says me to mysel#* Dthis is one Manchester honey +ho's di##erent@ must !e some
kind o# uniAue thoughts #illing up her head@ Boy* am 7 e8cited@ +hen i get e8cited* i have
trou!le !reathing@ 7t's a common occurrence +ith people o# passion@ inally your light goes
out@ 7 don't go upstairs to Carl 'oe* no ma'am@ 7 sleep right there on the couch near the
+indo+@ +hen i +ake up* Carl 'oe's already on the train to +ork* and %oddang i# my smile
+asn't !etter then ever@ that's +hen i kne+ that little ole me had to come knock at your door
and say D"iED "iE

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$riminal %earts
ByL (illiam Mastrosimone
%irl Monologue 2L AtaL
(*ut of slee&) (hatB "elloB (Silen%e) -h* my %od@ (hoFs in hereB Some!odyFs in here@
-h* my %od@ DonFt hurt me@ DonFt kill me@ 7 have eighty dollars* !ut 7 donFt kno+ +here my
purse is@ 7 could +rite you a check@ &ell me your name* and 7Fll +rite you a check@ (Silen%e) 7
have Ce+elry* !ut its dum! stu##@ 7 +as ro!!ed last year* they got the Ce+elry@ 4ou can have
my Ce+elry* though@ 7Fll give you my Ce+elry and eighty dollars@ (Silen%e) $isten* 7Fm
#rightened* 7Fm suppressing a scream here@ -h* my %od@ -h* my %od@ 4ou are in here@ $isten
you cant hurt me* 7Fve* 7Fve got a gun@ 7 do@ 7 have a gun@ A !ig gun@ My hus!and gave it to
me itFs a thirty-seven@ A police thirty-seven@ (Silen%e) DonFt hurt me 7 have herpes@ (Silen%e) 7
cant turn on the lights* 7 have a pro!lem@ 7 #ree5e@ 7 #ree5e +ith #ear@ ,o* 7Fm serious 7 do@ All
my li#e@ My nervous system shuts do+n@ 7tFs called kinetic hysteria@ 7Fm in therapy@ DonFt
shoot* donFt shoot 7Fll tell you +here the lights areEE 7# you could see ho+ 7Fm shaking* and
7Fm clammy* 7Fm very clammy@ &he s+itch* its to the le#t o# the door@ &he #ront door@ -k* ok*
i# you #acing the !edG +aitG +here e8actly are youB -k* on the clock* i# you #acing the
t+elve* the door to the living room +ould !e at HL96@ ,o* 7Fm really serious* Cust keep going@
7ts a!out umm eight #eet or so@ May!e ten@ -h* %od* please don't hurt me@
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+-A.99; 10 D.6-
A student$ o"er si4teen$ and a tea%her$ a dri"ing instru%tor of any age.
7 pretended that 7 +as all right@ &hat 7 didnFt mind having to go through this@ &hat this
hideous #eeling o# incompetence didnFt !other me@ 7 tried to appear eager* and pleased to !e
gaining a ne+ and use#ul skill@ &hereFs a good reason +hy most people learn to drive +hen
theyFre si8teen@ (hen youFre si8teen you donFt kno+ you can die@ 7# youFre much older than
that* not only do you kno+ youFre going to die* you also kno+ that this is pro!a!ly +here@
$esson three@ 7 approached the third lesson con#idently@ ,othing much to this driving thing*
really@ 7 am a smart* competent person@ $ots o# people +ho are much more stupid than me
can driveK 7 can certainly learn to drive@ 7 +as #eeling cocky and e8pansive@ My teacher and 7
chatted@ :Lights u& on !AC'!#.) Do you like teachingB 7 donFt kno+@ -ut o# the corner o#
my eye 7 could see the teacher shaking his head@ (hat had 7 doneB 7 suppose this +as +hen it
came home to me that +hat 7 had to learn +as potentially deadly* and 7 had !etter pay
attention@ or the ne8t lesson* 7 decided that my pro!lem +as that 7 +as too tense and i# 7
could Cust rela8 the +hole thing +ould come naturally@ 7 made stupid Cokes and counted to
three in a di##erent language at each stop sign@ 7 !lathered on a!out the psychology o#
learning@ 7 reali5e no+ that 7 +as* o# course* trying to sound smart !ecause he kne+ ho+ to
drive and 7 didnFt@ (o !AC'!#.) 4ou kno+* 7 think the pro!lem +ith driving is that all o#
a sudden youFre* like* t+o thousand pounds heavier* and +hat 7 think you have to do is you
have to sort o# re-learn the !oundaries o# +here you end* you kno+B &he po+ers that !e have
told that you you can go ahead@ 4ou have the reAuired skills@ reedomE And you reali5e
+ith pain#ul clarity that you are alone* you are in control o# a po+er#ul machine and you do
not kno+ ho to drive@ &he po+ers that !e kno+ nothing@ &here is only one !rake and youFre
the only one that can use it@ 4ou must make all the decisions@ 7s it no+ sa#e to make this le#t-
hand turnB &here is no one to remind you a!le speeding and its dire conseAuences@ ,o sign
on the top o# the car that saysL \,e+ at this@ &hank you #or getting o# the +ay@] And there*
suddenly* you are@ &his is lesson si8@ &ime passes and 7Fm not dead yet@ Although driving in
tra##ic still causes a certain amount o# indigestion* +hat 7 no+ love is to take my little car very
late at night or early in the morning and Cust drive +hen no one kno+s 7Fm gone@ 7 +onder i#
other people do thisB (hat 7 do not like is driving +ith passengers in the car@
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1he Audition is 0#er
By 'ohn Kirkpatrick
!mily is the inter"iewer. )an%y is the a%tress trying to get her big brea(. Mar5orie is )an%y>s drama
tea%her6stage mom. 3loren%e is )an%y>s real mom. 3loren%e wants her daughter to ha"e nothing to do
with the a%ting world. She>d rather see )an%y marry into a ni%e family and one day ha"e %hildren.
Mar5orie is basi%ally trying to li"e her long lost dream of be%oming an a%tress through her student$
)an%y. And !mily is %aught in the middle of things$ as usual.
-milyE
&he Audition is over@ :&rying to e8plain; Sit do+n* my dear@ 7Fm going to talk to this girl@ (hether the
rest you :lorence and MarCorie; listen up is up to you@ rankly 7 donFt care@ :&urns attention to
,ancy; 7Fm sorry to do such a cruel thing to you* !ut 7 hope my deli!erate cruelty may make you see
the more subtle crueltyJo# other people@ 4our motherJand MarCorie@ 7 donFt imagine either o# them
means to !e cruel@ 7Fm sure they !oth love youJin their +ay@ But they !oth +ant youJ#or
themselves@ 4our mother +ants you to lead the kind o# li#e she ledJshe +ants to live her li#e over
againJin you@ :&o lorence; Because Auite #rankly* Mrs@ )ussell* 7 donFt think your li#e is the (ind o#
li#e that ought to !e repeated@ 'ust !earing a child doesnFt make anyone a \mother@] 4ou have to earn
the title@ And no+ you +ant to \collect]E And on you termsE &he terms you +ant* +ithout making any
allo+ance #or +hat she might +ant@ ,o!ody kno+s +hatFs good #or herE ,either you nor anyone else@
?nless youFre a #ortune teller@ 7tFs time to let go@ lorence* 7 donFt +ant ,ancy to go to ,e+ 4ork@
Certainly not no+@ And certainly not +ith MarCorie@ :MarCorie glares at Emily@ &o MarCorie; 7tFs rather
simple* 7 think@ 'ust as lorence +ants the girl to have the li#e she hadJyou +ant her to have the li#e
you didnFt have@ But itFs still vicarious@ 4ou +ant to live again through herJ7J7Fm deeply sorry #or
you* MargeJ!ut it canFt !e done@ And a#ter all* itFs ,ancy +hoJ7J7 Cust donFt think itFs right*
Marge* #or one human !eing to completely a!sor! another in the +ay you intend@ 4ou donFt mean to*
!ut you couldnFt help it@ 4ouFd instruct herJand +atch herJand guard herJand nurture herJuntil
her +hile personality +as merged into yours@ All your th+arted am!itionJthe #rustration o# 36 years
J+ould !e concentrated on her@ SheFd never !e freeE &hatFs morally +rongJand itFs artistically
+rongE &hisJthis \spark] you say she hasJyou +ouldnFt kindle it@ -h* you think you +ould@ But
you +ouldnFt@ 4ouFd smother it@ A #lame needs airE ,ot Cust #anningE SheFd never attain her o+n
individuality@ DirectorsJproducersJmany o# then are very clever* MargeJcleverer even than you
kno+@ &heyFd soon spot it #or +hat it +asJsomething second-hand@ :&o nancy; ,ancy* my dear@
(hat do you +ant to doB Stay homeJgo to ,e+ 4orkJor +hatB :,ancy shrugs; And ho+ could you
kno+B (ith t+o peopleJusing you as a sort o#J!attleground@ (ell* this is my decreeL %et a+ay
#rom !oth o# themE 4ou should !e on your o+n@ 7n a yearFs time* youFll kno+ +hat to doE 4ou +onFt
have to ask themJor meJor anyoneE 4ouFll (nowE
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.ashomon
By ay Kanin
A mother trying to &ut on airs of elegan%e for the 5udge.
G4es* your E8cellency@ &his is my daughter* Kinume- my only daughter- my poor child
+ho stares at me +ith vacant eyes N :,odding resignedly; 7 can see it in you #ace N youFre
surprised to see a !eauti#ul lotus risen #rom such a muddy pond@ &he %oddess o# ertility +as
good to me@ Seven years 7 prayed to her* seven childless years@ And in the eight year* in the
month o# cherry #lo+ers N Kinume +as !orn@ $ike a cherry #lo+er hersel#* tiny and delicate
and #ragrant in my arms@ :.roudly; And 7 al+ays kept her so@ ,ot like the other children in
their common place ro!es* !ut in a long-sleeved* many-colored dress o# rare silk* her hair
caught up +ith a tortoise com!@ Each morning she +ent to the +riting school N never
stum!ling or dirtying her dainty hands N carrying her copy!ooks +ith such grace all eyes
turned to +atch N :Brought !ack a!ruptly !y the MA%7S&)A&E* she !o+s; G orgive me*
4our E8cellency@ But* seeing my Daughter again* 7 N :She nods; G 4es* it is so@ &he dead
man 7 looked upon +as her hus!and@ "is name +as &akehiko@ "e +as a samurai in the to+n
o# Ko#u N a very no!le man* very rich@ 7n the #uneral procession* 7 +ill carry a cage o# !irds
and set them #ree to remind everyone o# his mercy and kindness@ 7Fm sure he did nothing to
!ring such a horri!le death on himsel#@ :Shaking her head; "orri!leE 7 hope youFll !ring the
villain +ho murdered him to Custice@ &hese !andits +ho roam our lands and prey upon us like
+ild !easts N they should !e dealt +ith like +ild !eastsE :$istening; G (hen* 4our
E8cellencyB our years ago they +ere married@ 7t +as a !ig +edding N the Coining o# t+o #ine
#amilies@ :Con#idently; 4ou have only to look at her to understand that my daughter +as
much sought-a#ter@ She had many o##ers* all o# very high rank@ But &akehiko +as the most
eager-and the most +orthy@ Even so* she +as very proud N 7 had to persuade her to marry him
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1he 9ecklace
By %uy de Maupassant
Mathilde
Mathilde is a young woman who is unaware of the generosity of others. 'istory= She
borrowed a ne%(la%e from her friend 1eanne$ and lost it. She re&la%es it and s&ends ten years
trying to &ay ba%( her debt. She starts off tal(ing to her husband 'enri$ and then %hanges to
her friend 1eanne.
Si8teen thousand #rancsE &he !ank has closed the account@ &he necklace is #inally paid #orE
&he !ank has the money and 'eanne orestier has had the necklace #or ten yearsG and +e
have nothing@ Cele!rateBE (ineB 4ouFre a #ool* "enri@ 4ou have a short memory* "enri@
4ou +orked as hard as 7 did@ $ook at youE (rinkles in your #aceG at #ortyG like an old
manE -ldE -ldE &hatFs +hat you areE 7Fm old* too@ And you ask me to cele!rate@ -h* drink
your +ine i# it gives you any satis#action@ But 7Fm going to cele!rate* tooG in my o+n +ay@
7Fve arranged #or 'eanne orestier to come here@ 4ou think she +onFt comeB SheFll come@
SheFll come !ecause o# curiosity@ .lease go to the door* "enri@ DonFt change your coat@ $et
her see us as +e are@ All 7 ever +anted 'eanne had@ :*ff on a tangent; Dra+ing rooms #illed
+ith romantic* intelligent men and +omen* authors* actresses* statesmen* handsome men* and
!eauti#ul +omen* clothes- #urs* e8Auisite go+ns* Ce+elry@ "o+ 7 love Ce+elry@ :.a%( to
reality; ,o+- this dingy apartment@ Sitting here all day---- :1eanne enters; 'eanne* 7 asked
you to come here so that 7 could e8plain certain things to you@ :Angry and shouting; ,o
"enri* 7 +ant Madam 'eanne orestier to kno+ +hat +eFve !een through@ &en years o# itE
&en years 7 +orked in ca#es* and "enri did the +ork o# t+o menE - have !een +orking- in
ca#es and o##ice !uildings and !istros you +ould never put your #oot in@ $et me #inishE@@@ (e
discharged our maid Emilie !ecause +e couldnFt a##ord to keep her@ (e sold the #e+ good
pieces o# #urniture "enri inherited #rom his mother@ "enri +orked e8tra time keeping !ooks
#or a grocer in the evenings and then he +ould come home and copy pages o# manuscript #or a
pu!lisher@ 4ou +ill never kno+ the shame +e +ent through@ And 7 :"oi%e brea(s;G 7
cooked* and did the laundryK 7 visited the markets !e#ore da+n and !argained #or +hat +e
+ould eat that day@ And all the time 7 +as thinking o# that !all at the Ministry +hen 7 +ore
my ne+ go+n and your diamond necklace@ &he necklaceE 4our !eauti#ul diamond
necklaceG 7 lost itE 7 lost it* 7 tell you@ Some+here !et+een the Ministry and here@ 7t slipped
#rom my neck@ 4ou remem!er you said you had the clasp #i8ed@ But it +asnFt@ 7 couldnFt
have !eenE (e !rought !ack another Cust like itE And #or ten years +eFve !een paying #or it@
A thousand #rancs here and a thousand there@ "enri mortgaged his li#e #or ten years +ith t a
!ank loan@ And look at meE &he ne8t time you see yoursel# in the mirror* think o# me@ ,o*
donFt touch me@ 7tFs over no+@ EverythingFs over@ (eFve paid !ack our de!ts and you have
your necklace@ .ride is all 7Fve ever had@ (hat good +ould have telling you a!out it doneB 7t
+ouldnFt have !rought !ack the necklace@ (hatB 7t +asnFt +orthG thirty thousandB
(hatEB ive hundred #rancs at the mostB
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1he White +iars by 2eter 3haffer
Sophie
So&hie is a fortune teller who needs money$ but really wants to hel& a %ustomer$ 3ran($ get
his girlfriend ba%( from a friend$ om$ who stole her heart. )ormally$ fortune telling starts at
K &ounds to fi"e &ounds (if lu%(y)$ but 3ran( ga"e So&hie information about om>s life to
ma(e om belie"e So&hie is a real fortune teller to s%are him away. She is &laying 3ran($ she
really is not a baroness and did not do all the things she said she has done.
Mister* 7 kno+ 7 donFtF look so prosperous here in this #ilthy little room* !ut +ho do
you think 7 amB Some silly gypsy !itch in a caravan* you can !uy #or #ive poundsB (/ith
grandeur.) 7 practice here in this hideous to+n an art as old* as sacred as medicine@ $ook at
thisE (She shoots out her hand.) &his hand has held the hand o# a royal duchess in intimate
spiritual communion@ 7t has held the hand o# a .rince o# the -rthodo8 Church* +ho said to
me* bowing to me* \Baroness* you are not Cust a #ortune tellerL you have the divine gi#tE] All
right* 7 haveJ+hat is itBJ\%ome down] in the +orldE Come do+n to %rinmouthE Do+n to
pi55a stalls and grease in the airE Dodge them cars and pop guns and all the #un in the
#airgroundE Every day no+Ji# 7 see any!ody at allJmy noble clients are people like old
potatoes +earing paper hats saying \Kiss MeE] (hispering old spinsters* smelling o#
camphorJold red men +ith gin int heir eyes* !egging me to predict Cust one #oot!all pool to
make them rich #or li#eE #ubbish &eo&le$ all o# them* (illing me to death +ith their middle-
class dreamsE But one thing* mister* 7 may despise themJbut - ne"er %heat them. Lemberg
ne"er lies2 (A &ause. So&hie glares at him.) &hatFs all right@ %o no+* please@ (So&hie sits
staring after him$ %las&ing her hands together in an4iety.) (Sotto "o%e) ive poundsE ive
pounds* #ive +hole poundsGE (Calling out) -ne moment pleaseE (A slight &ause.) 7
misCudged you* mister@ 7 thought you +ere like him@ ,o sensitivity or gentleness a!out you@
But 7 +as +rongG(she rises.) 7 see a#ter all you have a #aith#ul nature@ 7 have come to !elieve
that #aith#ulness in love is like real musicJone o# the marvels o# the past@ 7t is good to #ind it
still e8ists@ $ook* there he isL coming !ackE (0rimly) $ook at him@ 1aL 7 see it no+@ A
&aker@ Arrogant &akerE@@@4ouFre kind a!out him* !ecause you are a kind man@ \Disarming*]
you call him@ (ell* mister* he doesnFt disarm meE 7 see +hat he is@ 7 see them every day* the
ne+ savagesE 7 +atch them on this pier* +histling up and do+n +ith their stupid #u55y hair*
stum!ling along in their stupid high shoes* seAuins on their shoulders* pretending to !e
amusing and eccentricJ!ut really* underneath* Cust thugsE (orking-class thugsE &hey think
they o+n the +orld@ 1a$ and +e let them think it@ /e-you and 7-are the #oolish ones* the
romantics* the square ones as they see us@ (ell* #or once one o# them is going to get itE A
&aker gets it #rom a %iverE (.ris(ly) 7Fll help you* misterE 7Fll keep your girl sa#e #or you@ 7Fll
#righten the seAuins right o## this monster o# yoursE %ive me the envelope@ (Stret%hing hand
out to get it) Auick* Auick* Auick* AuickE (0et the en"elo&e) 7t +ill cost you ten pounds@
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901%9; ?<1 9093-93- @A
-lihu
his monologue is really a &art of a small s%ene. !lihu is an announ%er who>s tal(ing about
the soa& o&era Q)ew Day AADawning.R 'e also does the %ommer%ial &romoting the
(.un(um .eauty Soa&) %om&any>s new soa&.

,e+ Day-A-Da+ningE 4es* girls* this is your announcer* Elihu %uck* speaking #or the
Bunkum Soap Company and !ringing you another episode in your #avorite daytime drama*
,e+ Day A-Da+ning@ 'ust a simple little story a!out simple little people* !ut oh* so real and
true to li#e* it !rings a lump to your throat and a tear to our eye@ )eady #or a real good cry*
girlsB %ot plenty o# dry handkerchie#s ready* hFmmmB (ell* in a minute* +eFll see +hatFs
happening today in the simple little home o# that simple little #amily* the "ossen#e##ers* !ut
#irst a +ord #rom our sponsorsJ%irls ho+* did your comple8ion look this morningB Come
on* !e honest no+L did it remind you o# a piece o# !acon you #orgot to take o## the stove*
hFmmB +as it as greasy as^ an eel dipped in a !ucket o# lardB And do you +ant to !e !eauti#ul*
hFmmB Do you +ant to look more radiant that Eli5a!eth &aylor* more glamorous than
Marlene Dietrich* more desira!le than 'ayne Mans#ield* hFmmB (ell* its really very simple*
girls@ All you have to do is +ash +ith Bunkum Beauty Soap@ 7snFt that simple* hFmmB 4ou
+ash any+ay* donFt youB :sharply; DonFt youB -# course you doE (ell* Cust +ash a #e+ times
+ith Bunkum Beauty Soap* and youFll !e so lovely* youFll have your hus!and in a lather@
$isten to +hat one girls +rites usL \Dear Bunkum Soap Company@ 7 used to !e the ugliest girl
on the !lock* !ut a#ter +ashing +ith Bunkum Beauty Soap #or only one +eek everyone says 7
look e8actly like Marilyn Monroe@ Signed* Marilyn Monroe@] &here you are girls* i# she can
do it* you can do it too@ And ne8t time youFre shopping #or soap* !uy a #e+ thousand !ars o#
Bunkum* !ecause remem!er our slogan girlsL \7# you +ant to kno+ +hat makes you !eauti#ul
JitFs BunkumE] NAnd no+* letFs look in and see +hatFs happening at the "ossen#e##ers this
a#ternoonJ$etFs +atch Mary "ossen#e##er as she goes a!out her everyday chores* a simple
little #amily@ And here comes 'ohn "ossen#e##er* the man o# the house* home #rom his Co! at
the pickle +orks@ 'ohn* +orking hard to keep his simple little #amily +ell provided #or@
.atient* high-minded 'ohnJAnd so the hours roll peace#ully !y in the simple little home o#
the "ossen#e##ers* one amusing little incident #ollo+ing another@ And so +e take our leave o#
the "ossen#e##ers until tomorro+ at this same time* +hen Bunkum Beauty Soap +ill !ring
you another episode o# ,e+ Day A-Da+ning* the simple true to li#e story a!out simple people
Jand 7 ask you* could any people !e simpler than the "ossen#e##er* hFmmB See you
tomorro+* girls

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$riminal %earts @A
S%enario= Ata has 5ust been robbed$ and inquires for hel& from a neighbor
(Mrs.Carnahan). -roni%ally Ata befriends the robber (.o) when she dis%o"ers the robber to
be female. -n the monologue sele%tion$ Ata is %o"eringAu& for .o so she won>t be dis%o"ered
as the troublema(er.
7Fm alright* Mrs@ Carnahan@ )eally* 7Fm all right@ 7Fm not in any danger* no danger o#
any kind@ 7Fm not harmed or threatened or in trou!le@ But* the thing is* Mrs@ Carnahan* 7Fm
not going to open the door !ecause thereFs no need and the other reason isG7Fm +ith a lover*
Mrs@ Carnahan* a lover* a !eauti#ul man +ho makes my li#e +orth living* +ho gives meaning
to my e8istence and the thing is* you see* that +e are +ithout clothes* thatFs the thing* +e are
scented and oiled and pomaded and #resh #rom the act o# love* and so to open the door +ould
!e a !etrayal #or us and an em!arrassment #or you and then +e +ould #eel Cudged* you see*
and the spell* the spell +ould !e !roken* !ecause having lived the li#e you have* you kno+
ho+ #ragile these things are@ And a#ter our pleasantries* a#ter you +ere satis#ied +ith my
condition and had gone !ack to your rooms* my lover* the spell !roken* +ould dress and kiss
me some+hat impersonally and close the door !ehind him +ith the #aintest click* Mrs@
Carnahan* and 7 +ould !e alone* at a time +hen !eing alone #ellsG+ell* #ells very +orrisome
!ecause other things that gives meaningG +ell* they get harder and harder to come !y* donFt
they* Mrs@ CarnahanB So 7 +onFt !e opening the door* Mrs@ Carnahan* !ecause 7 donFt +ant to
end up alone in here* 7 really donFt* 7 really donFtG@"elloB Mrs@ CarnahanB
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J1ripletK
!y Kitty 'ohnson
&he Bride
his thirty some year old woman is ha"ing a melt down on her wedding day. She has a hard
time e4%e&ting her %hoi%es as reality$ and finds herself s&ea(ing with two other %hara%ters@
herself at DF$ and KD. his woman is a romanti%$ yet she (nows what reality is.
&he present isnFt right* and 7 canFt #ind something !orro+ed* and 7 talk to dolls@ &hereFs a la+
someplace that says i# you talk to dolls youFre not ready to get married@ 7 +ant to do it@ )eally@
(e could go on those long hauls together and 7 could sketch +hile he +as driving and he
could play his guitar +hile 7 +as drivingJ"o+ can 7 ever !ecome a #amous artist i# 7Fm tied
do+n like thatB@@@ Did 7 ever tell you +here Eliot and 7 metB 7 met Eliot in .aris@ Did 7 ever tell
you +hat he did onceB "e learned ho+ to open a pack o# matches +ith one hand and strike the
match +ith his thum! +ithout even taking it out o# the #older@ 7n case he got an arm shot o## in
/iet ,am@ :Beat as she reali5es +ho she is talking a!out@; ,o@ &hat +as Bo!!y@ Bo!!y did
that@ 7 had it all +ritten do+n in the !ook@ "e +as going to !e #amous* too@ (e +ere !oth
going to !e #amous and live in .aris and have these t+o kidsJ#irst a !oy and then a girlJand
a maid to +ash the dishes@ 7 +ish 7 could change the pages in the !ookG !ut 7 canFt@ :Again*
the horn honks outside; Do me a #avor@ %o tell Bo!!yJ7 mean EliotJgo tell Eliot 7 canFt get
married today* heFll understand@ 7Fm Cust not ready@ (hat a!out my careerB (ell* +hatFs le#t
o# it any +ay@ 7 +as the most gi#ted a!stractionist theyFd seen in centuries and here 7 am* !ack
in Blanchester* teaching again@ &he only thing 7 change more that Co!s is lovers@
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3he Was +ost, And s /oundK
By Richard Hensley

his monologue is about K &arents losing their daughter be%ause she ran away from home.
)ow she>s returning ba%( home and her K &arents are trying to figure out why she ran away
%ou&le years ago. his %hara%ter is the mom$ !llen$ tal(ing to her husband named Dan.

(hy did she run a+ay #rom us DanB 7 kno+ +e tortured ourselves +ith that Auestion !ut there
doesnFt seem to !e an ans+er@ 7 kno+ thereFs no use o# asking !ecause 'anieFs coming home
!ut still@ (ill it !e overB &his isnFt a #airy tale* Dan* or a &/ sho+ +here everything +orks
out !e#ore the last commercial@ (e havenFt e8actly live \happily ever a#ter] since our
marriage* and 7 Cust donFt think +e can look #or a \happily ever a#ter] ending to this part o#
our li#e either@ :&ulls away from Dan; 7 +ant to think everything +ill !e Cust the same@ 7 +ant
it desperately* !ut 7 Cust canFt !elieve it@ &hings +ill never !e the same@ Everyday praying and
hoping #or our daughter to come home and no+ sheFs on her +ay@ -ur prayers have #inally
!een ans+ered@ 7 kno+ a lot o# time has passed and she o!viously changed@ Even i# sheFs our
daughter* itFs as though a stranger is coming home tonight@ (e have to someho+ !uild a
+hole ne+ relationship@ 7Fm #rightened* Dan* as #rightened as 7Fve ever !een in my li#e@ "ave
you ever +ondered i# things +ould have !een di##erent i# +e had stayed homeB 7n our
hometo+n@ 7Fm not !laming you entirely@ 7t +as our choice together@ But* +eFve moved nine
times in the 33 years +eFve !een married@ -ur girls have lived in seven di##erent states@ &hey
havenFt kno+n +hat it +as like to settle in one place* to make lasting #riends@ Sue has al+ays
coped +ell@ But 7Fve thought a lot a!out 'anie since she le#t@ 'anie +as Auieter@ She never
really talked to me a!out ho+ she #elt@ She didnFt make #riends as Auickly as Sue@ 4ou should
have asked the girls a!out the moves* Dan@ 'anie never seemed to adCust here@ 7# she made any
#riends* +e didnFt kno+ them@ 'anie +as Auiet@ She +ouldnFt open up@ She didnFt share her
#eelings N atleast not +ith us@ But 7 kne+ something +as +rong@ 4ouFve !een too !usy to care
a!out emotional +ell !eing o# your #amily@ 7Fm not trying to !lame you completely@ 7 share
the guilt@ But* Dan* something +e did drove our younger daughter #rom her home* and 7 think
+e need to look #or the reasons@ -ne undenia!le point is that you have !een married to your
company #or over 36 years@ &he company had much more o# Dan ClarkFs attention than his
+i#e or daughters@ 7 shouldFve said something@ or 36 years youFve le#t home !e#ore the girls
+ere a+ake* and youFve returned most evenings a#ter they +ere asleep@ 4ou carried +ork
home to do on +eekends* and i# you +erenFt locked in your den +orking* you +ere on the
gol# course or tennis courts +ith !usiness contacts@ &he daughter coming here tonight may
seem like a stranger to you* Dan* !ut she +as a stranger to you !e#ore she le#t@

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1he /oreigner by +arry 3hue
CatherineL
Small tal(ing with Charlie$ then gets into her &ersonal life and how she really feels. She feels
free to o&en u& to him be%ause she belie"es he does not s&ea( !nglish
?h-huhE mind i# 7 sit do+n hereB 7 am not going up to that yello+ room again@ Damn picture
on the +all o# some dogs playin' poker@ "ave a seat* +hat you lookin' atB .eople in your
country !end in the middleB "ave a seat@ :gesturing to+ards the chair; &hat's it@ -h* yeah@
(e're not supposed to talk to you* 7 kno+@ 4ou don't care@ (hat do you care@ 4ou starin' at
me #orB Make me #eel like a &@/ set@:picks up a ne+spaper;4ou +ant the picture sectionB
,oB suit yoursel#@ (hat do +e--B A++- looky here@ Some!ody's gone out and torched the
Klan headAuarters* can you !eat thatB ?p in Atlanta@ 4es* sir@ Burned the place do+n@ &hat's a
s+itch@ Some old !oys aren't too pleased right no+* you can !et on that@ (atch out #or them*
mister* those Klan !oys@ &hey'll get you@ 4ou're not a hundred per cent American +hite
Christian* you're lia!le to #ind yoursel# some #ine mornin' #loppin' around in some Sa#e+ay
dumpster* minus a #e+ little things@ De!utante !allE (ell-look at the little de!utantesE Aren't
they prettyB Comin' out@ &he catch is* girls* you don't get to go !ack in@ My* my@:really into
turning pages in the ne+spaper; (hat the hell am 7 doinB@@@ Shoot@ 'Scuse me@ 7 don't ever do
this@ 7 am a !it +eary this morning@:clears throat; 7 Cust get sorat-uh-a little sick and tired o#
thing* #rom time to time@ 7'll stop Ca!irin@-hh* !oy@ 4ou ever kno+en any!ody that +as Cust so
good* that you Cust #eel vile* most o# the timeB 4eah@ David@ aaa David is so s+eet* and does
#or
people* and 7 so patient@ Some people are meant to !e a +aste o# #ood* doing mindless
!ullcrap* and 7 think 7'm one o# 'em@ 7'm good at it@ A year #rom no+ 7'll !e a mother* o+n this
houseB 7 mean-+he+E 7 mean* hold the damn phone a minute@ 4our asking me ho+ this
happenedB -hh Charlie* Charlie 7 don't kno+EEE &hings Cust happened to #ast* and 7 +ish they
+ouldn't@ !ut they doEE 4ou got some nice eyes you kno+ thatB A++
your pro!a!ly really nice@ (o+ you're a really good listener@ Come on say &hank you@

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A 1antaliLing
By (illiam Mastrosimone
Da#neL
SirB :pause; SirB :sitting on piano stool; My #ather #ro5e to death out in the street@ "e
su##ered a stroke some months !e#ore and it le#t him no so responsi!le #or himsel#@ 7# you took
an eye o## o# him* heFd +ander out@ 4ouFd #ind him out on the street asking strangers #or
picket change* or stealing apples at the corner mart* or looking through a gar!age can@ 7t +as
Auite em!arrassing #or the #amiliar@ Such a comedo+n #or him* #rom +hat he +as !e#ore@
:pause; Dad +as a restorer@ A historian +ith a hammer@ (hen 7 +as younger he +ould take
me sometimes@ 7Fd hang onto his long scar# and +alk in the +ake o# his pipe smoke@ Cherry
!lend@ unnyL 7 can catch a +i## o# that no+ and suddenly heFd there@ "eFd take me to a cold
ramshackle house +here hinges screech and a rat +ould run #or cover* +here the roo# leaked
and the stairs !uckled and #loors +arped* some landmark !uilding@ And grave men +ould !e
+aiting there* and theyFd make a !ig #uss over me* and asked Dad i# he +ould restore this
disaster !ack to the original condition@ And Dad +ould pu## on his pipe and give a hard look@
"is eyes could see under decades o# a!use and neglectK strip a+ay and sandpaper the
dereliction do+n to the run in the grain o# the +ood@ And heFd sat* \4up*] and then do more
than he promised@ :pause; 7t +as lunchtime +hen a police o##icer sa+ a passer!y tripping over
+hat he thought +as a vagrant on the side+alk@ "e nudged the vagrant +ith his !illyclu!@
:pause; &hey say #ree5ing is the kindest death@ irst you trem!le* then you get num!* then you
curl up like a !a!y in a cri!* and sleep@

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8akeCs Women
,aren
?y 9eil 3imon
KarenA the sister of 1a(e$ who has &roblems with his wife. 1a(e is a writer and Karen
is in his mind. here is a history of di"or%e in the family so 1a(e turns to her for hel& and
ad"i%e whi%h brings her feelings of loneliness in her lo"e life to the surfa%e.
(hatB 7Fm here@ Stop yelling@ 4ou have to think o# me no+B 7 +as +atching \&he
%od#ather 7* 77* and 777]G7# he makes =*> and S #orget it* 7 need 7 need a li#eG(hatFs +rong
'akeB 7s Maggie hereB Do you +ant me to speak to herB (here is sheB 7Fll talk to her@ -h@ 7Fm
in your head@ 7 never kno+ ho+ that +orks@ (hen 7Fm here 7 can talk to you@ But +hen
someone else is here* 7 canFt talk to them@ 7tFs very con#using 'ake@ 7 #eel like 7Fm in a (oody
Allen movie@ 7Fm irritating you no+ arenFt 7@ DonFt +rite me 'ake@ $et me !e me@ 4ou have
such a distorted picture o# me these days@ (here did you #ind this dress 7Fm +earingB &his
dress is not me@ Bette Midler does a concert in a dress like this@ 7tFs ok@ 4ou need adviceB
(ell o# course 7 want to hear@ 7 care a!out you@ 4ouFre my !rother* 7 love youGSee thatFs a
good speech@ &hatFs a good speech@ &hatFs ho+ 7 should talk@ %iving* caring* nurturing@ Make
a note o# that@ So +hat is 'akeB &ell me +hatFs +rong@ (.eat) DonFt tell me@ -h my %od* no@
4ou think MaggieFs going to leave youB Alright* donFt Cump to conclusionsGdonFt try to
guess +hatFs going on in someone elseFs mind@ 7 used to +orry that "arry +as going to leave
me too@ 7 kno+ he did* !ut only !ecause 7 kept saying* \4ouFre going to leave me one day 7
kno+ it@] 7t drove him cra5yGBesides* +e had !ig pro!lems@ 7Fm such a !ad Cudge o#
character@ 7Fm so depressed@ 7s there something +rong +ith our #amily 'akeB Mom got
divorced@ .op got divorced@ 7 got divorced@ ,o+ youFre getting divorced@ -h 'ake* 'ake@
4ouFre so dependent on +omen@ 7Fve al+ays kno+n that@ 7 +ish 7 could hold you right no+@ 7
+ant to gra! you in my arms and the +ay Momma did and make you #eel +onder#ul and sa#e
and loved@ 7Fm sorry 'ulie died@ 7Fm sorry Maggie is so unhappy@ But you have me* 'ake@ 4ou
can count on meG&his is another good speech@ %ive me more lines like this@ &his is a +oman
you could like@ :.eat) 7# everyone likes me* +hy canFt 7 make a marriage +orkB DonFt end up
alone like me 'ake@ 7 live in the movies* night a#ter night* and you canFt !e happy living in a
popcorn +orldG@,oE See thatFs crappy dialogue@ 4ouFll look #or a man #or me@ (ell #ind him
then* donFt think o# him@ 7 donFt +ant a man that dresses +orse than me@
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/9A+ D.-33 .-%-A.3A+
By 'ack rakes
D7)EC&-)

he dire%tor is loud$ frustrated$ the distraught ty&e$ trying to be orderly and businessli(e and
tries to (ee& e"erything going smoothly$ but the lights are lagging$ stage %rew and %ast
members arri"e late$ and the sassy stage %rew is noisy. he degree of humor of what goes
wrong is largely de&endent on the dire%tor>s rea%tions to the frustrations.

All rightE All rightE $etFs get this sho+ on the roadE $etFs get startedE "ey* stage manager*
letFs turn on some lightsE :lights off; ,o+ Auit thatE 7 said 7 +ant light* stage manager*
liiiiightsE :lights on; &hereE &hatFs !etterE All right* Stage Manager* no!ody likes a smart
aleckE (eFve got to get this rehearsal started@ "ear me* Stage ManagerB -r are you hiding
#rom me againB Stage Manager* +eFre in a hurryE (here is my stage managerEE -h@ ,o+
lookE-(eFre running late and this is the #inal dress rehearsal@ &urn on some more lights@ ,o+
get the cast on stage #or roll call@ All ready #or roll call@ (eFll start +ith the technical cre+@
Stage ManagerB 7s all your cre+ hereB %oodGgood@ .rompterB .rompterE 7Fm calling roll@
,o one ever talks +hile 7Fm calling roll@ Sound e##ects girlB (ardro!e and .rops girlB -h
okay* Make-up %irlB All right* no+ #or the cast mem!ers@ &he StepmotherB (hatFs +rong
+ith your noseB 7t looks terri!leE 4ou look like a !ig silly !ird@ Moving onG4ounger
SisterB %odmotherB airy %odmotherE (hat is +rong +ith your dressBE 7t looks horridE
,o airy %odmother +ould ever look like that@ And* airy %odmother* adCust your cro+n-it
looks silly@ -kay* goodE :Li(e a football %oa%h; All right* cast@ &his is it@ &his is the #inal
dress rehearsal@ 7tFs important that you concentrate and stay in character@ Keep the sho+
moving at all costs@ )emem!er* 7Fll !e out #ront +atching@ (atching every move you make@
.ulling and rooting #or you all the +ay do+n the line@ &onightFs the night-the #inal dress
rehearsal@ So give it the old stu##E &he old oompaE :/ith gesture; All right-placesE

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1each me how to $ry @A
!y .atricia 'oudry
Melinda= Melinda wants her mom to be there for her$the way she is there for her mother$ but
her mother%anGt %om&rehend that well
7 am not di##erent mom@ 7 used to think that* no+ 7 am Cust the same@ (hat do you mean you
don't understand@ 4ou don't have to understand@ 7 didn't kno+ 7 could !e happy@ ,o* 7 never
have !een@ But no+ 7'm happy all o# the day and in the night too +hen 7'm asleep@ 7sn't it
strange that 7 'm not even a#raid it'll go a+ay@ 7t couldn't go a+ay@ 7t couldn't* could it*
MotherB All you have to do is say good evening@ And i# they say anything else to you* like
Auestions* then 7'll ans+er #or you@ &hey'll Cust think you're shy@ -h* mother* 7 love you so
much@ -h@@ -h* come one D-,'& !e #rightened@ 7 don't +ant you to !e #rightened* !ecause
+e don't have to !e@ oh* can't you understandB &hen try maam' 4ou never even tryE 4ou only
give up all the
time and lean on me and lean on me and make me tired@ Mother* 7 am not angry 7 Cust cant
al+ays handle you leaning on me* 7 need you sometimes

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$ome ?low 4our %orn
$onnie M has been dating Alan$ a man who is afraid of %ommitment and dating another girl
at the same time. -n this s%ene$ Alan is about to go out to meet his other lady when Connie
sto&s him from going out to tal( about their future &lans.
4ouFve got a !usiness appointment@ At seven oFclockB -h* Alan* 7Fm a !ig girl@ 4ouFve got a
date@ 4ou kno+* something Cust occurred to me@ A #e+ minutes ago 7 couldnFt understand
+hy you +ere #ighting so hard to keep me in sho+ !usiness@ 7tFs suddenly very clear@ 7tFs not
my career youFre +orried a!out@ 7tFs yoursE 4our career as a $-/E)@ &hatFs +hy you +ant
me to stay out on the road@ 4our only cra5y a!out me +hen 7Fm here !ut the minute 7 leaveG
su!stitution@ -h* itFs !eauti#ul@ A !achelorFs dream@ &he t+o-platoon system@ 4ouFll never
gro+ stale* Alan@ -r !ored@ ,ot as long as you keep rotating the crops every t+o +eeks@ 7Fll
!et youFve got a regular schedule@ A time ta!le +ith arrivals and departures@ $ove on a shuttle@
or some strange reason 7 thought you #elt the same as 7 did@ 7 thought +eFd get married@ 7
mean* the past si8 months +ere +onder#ulG:!eat; and youFd hate to see it E,DBEB %etting
married is the endB ine* All right thenGAlan* letFs have the truth@ Either youFve said to
yoursel# \7Fm going to marry this girl*] or \7Fm going to have an a##air +ith her@] All 7 ask is
that you let me in on your decision@ 7# marriage is out Cust say so@ 7 +onFt run@ 7Fll stay and
#ight #or my honor the +ay a girl +hoFs !een properly !rought up should@ And 7 can truth#ully
tell you 7Fll lose the !attle !e#ore long* !ecause* damn it* 7Fm in love +ith you@ But i# youFre
really in love +ith me* youFve got to tell me and !e prepared to !ack it up +ith the rest o#
your li#e@ (ell +hich is it going to !e* AlanB Do +e march do+n the aisle or into the
!edroomB 'ust say +hat you really #eel@ :!eat; 7tFs not a gameG7tFs Cust !eing honest +ith
each other* Alan@ &hatFs +hat youFre a#raid o#@ 4ou +onFt even !e honest +ith yoursel#@ And 7
didnFt say you had to love me@ 7 Cust +ant to kno+ i# you do@
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?-D.00& /A.$-
ByL Alan Ayck!ourn
Susannah
Susannah is tal(ing to herself in the mirror of her friend>s house doing her Qe4er%ises.R After
she is finished saying them$ her friend$ Kate$ enters and Susannah &ours out her heart to her.
7 am con#ident in mysel#@ 7 have con#idence in mysel#@ 7 am not unattractive@ 7 am attractive@
.eople still #ind me attractive@ 7 am not a#raid o# people@ .eople are not #rightening@ &here is
nothing to !e #rightened o#@ -h* sorry@ 7 +as Cust doing my e8ercises@ 7 do them +henever 7Fm
alone@ -r +hen 7 #eel alone@ &hey help@ &revorFs here* 7 supposeB "e hasnFt said hello to me* 7
notice@ ,o dou!t heFs !etter things to occupy him@ 7 see that +omanFs here@ (hatever her
name is@ 'an@ "er hus!andFs sick in !edB "o+ lucky #or her@ Kate* tell me something@ Do you
and Malcolm still haveJho+ are you and MalcolmB 4ou can !e honest* you kno+@ 7 donFt
kno+ i# you kno+ it !ut things #or &revor and 7 have gone totally +rong@ 7Fm sure everyoneFs
heard@ (eFre neither o# us very good atJconventional cover-ups@ 7s it still e8citing #or youB
%od* &revor used to e8cite me@ 7 +as so e8cited !y that man@ Do you kno+ +hat it #eels like
to !e really e8citedB (hen +e +erenFt actually physically here in the !edJyou kno+*
making loveJ7 #elt emptyJutterly incomplete@ And no+@ ,o+* itFs a desert@ (e hardly
touch* you kno+@ 7 think 7 actually revolt him@ Suddenly 7Fve lost all my identity@ Some
mornings* \+ho am 7*] 7 say@ \(ho am 7B] And 7 donFt kno+@ 7 terri#y mysel#@ :pause; 7 sa+
this girl in the street the other dayJa!out my ageJa little !it younger@ Do you kno+* 7 #elt
aroused !y her@ Attracted@ 7snFt that terri#yingB ,ot that the #eeling in its is terri#ying@ 7 donFt
!elieve the #eeling in itsel# is +rong !ut +hat it means is that all the things 7 used to think 7
kne+ a!out mysel# 7 no longer kno+@ 7 suppose youFre !eauti#ully complicated* Kate@ 7Fm
sorry #or keeping you@ Could 7 Cust stay here a !it longerB &hanks@ 7Fll pluck up courage in a
minute@ 7Fm sorry* 7Fm !eing a!solutely useless@ See you in a minute@ :a#ter a #e+ moments*
looking !ack at the mirror* more con#idently than !e#ore; 7 am con#ident in mysel#@ 7 have
con#idence in mysel#@ 7 am not unattractive@ 7 am attractive@ .eople still #ind me attractive@ 7
am not a#raid o# people@ .eople are not #rightening@ &here is nothing to !e #rightened o#@ :nods
assuredly;
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J9ine 2eople Dancing to ;ood $ountry &usicK @A
!y $ee Blessing
E/E
!"e is an older woman who has been Qha&&ilyR married for years with one (id. She 5ust
re%ently has left her %hild and husband$ and mo"ed to e4as with a stranger to buy a bar. She
is "isited by her nie%e who she has not s&o(en to in si4 months.
7 had something +ith him alright@ May!e that +as marriage* +ho kno+sB :.ause; -h )o!ert@
7 canFt !elieve it sometimes +hen 7 think o# the things he used to make me do@ &hey +ere
deadly things@ "oney* your \uncle )o!ert] is a deadly human !eing@ Deadly dull@ )o!ert is a
terminally !oring man@ &hatFs nothing to laugh a!out@ 7n #act* heFs the most !oring man
possi!leL heFs a pro#essor o# $atvian@ And +hen youFre a pro#essor o# $atvian* thereFs only
eight other people in the +hole +orld +ho care@ 7 discovered 7 +asnFt one o# Mem* and 7 kne+
7 +as in trou!le right then@ \Cause he kept trying to make me one* kept demanding that 7 care
+ho the kingsJor +hatever they +ereJo# ancient $atvia +ere@ And the more 7 said* \,o
!a!y* 7 am not interested to learn a!out the "anseatic $eague*] the angrier heFd get@ And you
kno+* the angrier he got the cooler and more logical heFd !e@ &hatFs +hen it really got
dangerous@ \Cause then heFd prove to me* literally prove* !eyond the shado+ o# a dou!t* that 7
could not go through another day +ithout !ecoming a dedicated scholar o# Baltic Studies@ So*
a#ter a #e+ hours o# listening to him* 7 +ould num!ly nod my head* pick up some learned
paper !y a colleague o# hisJone o# the eightJand study it like a little schoolgirl +ith her
home+ork assignment !e#ore !ed@ And he +ould Cust sit there !eaming at me@ &he ne8t
morning 7 al+ays +oke up kno+ing the coordinates o# )iga and +ondering ho+ to kill my
hus!and@ :.auses; (ell 7 kne+ that +asnFt a healthy situation@ And a!out that time 7 met 'im*
+hile changing planesJthe luckiest connection o# my li#eJand he took one look at me and
kne+ Cust +hat to say@ \7 got a !ar in "ouston@ 7nterestedB] and 7 +as@

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Dog -at Dog
By Mary %allagher
Edith
Chara%ter des%ri&tion= she is a "ery strong &erson emotionally. She has a strong will also
7 understand@ 7# it comes right do+n to it* 7Fm going to save mysel#* and red@ And that time
is coming #ast@ redFs creditors took everything !ut the !athroom #i8tures@ (eFve got a
t+elve-room house +ithout a stick o# #urniture@ (e live in t+o rooms and +e sleep in
sleeping !ags@ And +inters coming* and thereFs not a hope in hell o# !uying #uelE 7Fm scared@
But more than that* 7Fm madE And !y %od* 7 am going to make it through this goddamn messE
And 7 can do it* tooE 7 +asnFt al+ays loaded@ 7 +as !roke* #or years@ 7Fm good at !eing !roke@
And 7Fll save red* too* i# he Cust stays out #rom under#oot@ But 7 canFt save any!ody else* and
7Fm not #ool enough to tryE :.ause@ Marina* discourage* prepares to go as red enters +ith
#ishing gear; 7 am a realistE &he +hole premise o# this neigh!orhood is that +e all have
money* so +eFll never have to ask each other #or a goddamn thingE ,o+ suddenly everyone
needs everything* and the doors are closedE And theyFll stay that +ayE 'ust donFt !reak you
hearts over it* thatFs allE
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3eascape with 3harks and Dancer @A
She wants to ha"e an abortion be%ause she>s s%ared to get atta%h to him and hurt him li(e she
has (illed e"erything she has tou%hed or lo"ed in the &ast.
$isten* Dum!ass@ She said she +ent to this very nice doctor and it +asnFt hardly any
trou!le at all and then it +as all over and itFs the easiest thing in the +orld and i# she could do
it so easy* 7 donFt see +hy 7 canFt@ 7t isnFt like itFs against the la+ or anything@ 7t isnFt like
thereFs anything +rong +ith it* and it hardly takes any time at all---+hat do you mean* ,-B
'ust +ho the "E$$ do you think you A)E* any+ayB 7tFs my !a!y and donFt call it a !a!y it
isnFt a !a!y it isnFt anything yet and you canFt stop me@ 7 have an appointment this a#ternoon@
7tFs all per#ectly sa#e and legal@ 7 should have never told you at all@ Men get so hysterical@ Stop
calling it a child@ 7t isnFt a child@ 7t isnFt a child@ 7t isnFt anything@ 4ou canFt murder some!ody
that doesnFt e8ist@ %od* youFre so stupid@ .eople do it all the time@ 7 donFt !elieve 7Fm having
this conversation@ 4ouFve never seen it@ 7# 7 hadnFt told you* youFd never have kno+n it
e8isted@ 7t pro!a!ly looks like a #ish or something no+@ 4ouFll #orget all a!out it in a couple
o# days and !e dammed happy you didnFt have to spend the rest o# your li#e +orried a!out it@
Some slimey little amphi!ian 7 donFt even kno+ is cra+ling around in my stomach and 7 donFt
have any rightB 7tFs like a potato* #or instance@ 4ou donFt think o# a sack o# potatoes as !eing
alive* do youB But they sit around in the cup!oard and then a#ter a +hile they start to sprout
and thereFs things gro+ing out o# them and all* !ut it isnFt like you +ouldnFt give a name or
take it to the park in a stroller or anything@ 7t might !e gro+ing* really* itFs Cust that part o# it is
turning into something else@ And thatFs all this thing inside me is doing@ 7tFs gro+ing* sort o#*
!ut it isnFt alive* itFs Cust a part o# me that got hooked up +ith a part o# you and started turning
into something else@ 7tFll !e like having a +art removed@ &hatFs +hat itFs like@
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$ome ?ack, +ittle 3heba
By (illiam 7nge
Act one Scene 2
Lola is married to her husband who ga"e u& being a %hiro&ra%tor and has al%oholi% binges.
-n this s%ene$ she is telling the story of her husband to a random &ostman and going on about
his al%oholi% &roblems.
4ou postmen have things pretty nice* don't youB 7 hear you get nice pensions a#ter you
have !een +orking #or the government t+enty years@ 7
think that's dandy@ 7t's a good Co!* to@ 4ou may get tired !ut 7 think its good #or a man to !e
healthy@ My hus!and* he's a doctor* a chiropractorK he
has to stay inside his o##ice all day long@ &he only e8ercise he gets is ru!!in' people's
!ack!ones@ 7t makes his hands strong@ "e's got the
strongest hands you ever did see@ But he's got a poor digestion@ 7 keep tellin' him he oughta get
some #resh air once in a +hile and some e8ercise@
4ou kno+ +hatB My hus!and is an alcoholics anonymous@ "e doesn't care i# 7 tell you that*
cause he's proud o# it@ "e hasn't touched a drop in almost a year@ All that time +e've had a
Auart o# +hiskey in the pantry #or company and he hasn't even gone near it@ Doesn't even +ant
to@ 4ou kno+* alcoholics can't drink like ordinary peopleK they're allergic to it@ 7t a##ects the
di##erent@ &hey get started drinking and they can't stop@
$iAuor trans#orms them@ 4ou should have seen the Doc !e#ore he gave it up@ "e lost all his
patients +ouldn't even go to the o##iceK Cust +anted to
stay drunk all day long and he'd come home at night and@@@ 4ou don't ever drink* do youB
(ell* 7 guess that stu## doesn't do any o# us any good@ Say* you got any kidsB (ell +e don't
have any kids* and +e got this toy in a !o8 o# !reak#ast #ood@ (hy don't you take it home to
themB (ell good!ye* Mr@ .ostman@
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A $oupla White $hicks 3itting Around 1alking A
$ast minute cancellations@ 7 couldn't sAuee5e you in even i# i +anted to@ Every #ree minute
not spent +ith #riends and/or the less #ortunate is #illed +ith reading@ 7 love !ooks@ 7 !elong to
three di##erent !ook-o#6the-month clu!s@ 7 su!scri!e to t+o psychological Cournals@ 7'm
voracious@ 7 never stop@ 7 live a li#e o# the mind@ 7 am not like the rest o# the +omen on
Charlemagne $ane@ 7'm totally happy !y mysel#@ 7 love to !e alone@ .rivacy is my middle
name@ Come around tomorro+ and see i# 7 am even here@ 7# you +onder +hy i cut the grass
so late at night* that's ho+ !usy 7 amE 4ou're "annah Mae and 7'm Maude@ $et's keep it right
there@ ,o more DSugar "oney Child*D or any o# that Southern stu##* -@K@B Also* 7 +ant you
to stop spying on me@ 7 don't ned any e8tra eyes looking right no+@ Say* '%ood-!ye* Maude@
7've +orn out my +elcome and 7 must learn to mind my o+n !usiness@'
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;etting 0ut
Arlie
Arlie is a woman in her late twenties$ and has 5ust ser"ed an eight year &rison senten%e. She
is "ery strong and li(es to s&ea( her mind.
,o* 7 don't have to shut up* neither@ 4ou already got me in seg-re-ga-tion* +hat else you
gonna doB 7 got all day to sleep* +hile every!ody else is out !ustin ass in the laundry@ "ey 7
kno+@you ain't goota go do no dorm count* 7'll Cust tell you an you Cus sit@ "uhB 4ou preciate
thatB Ease them corns you !een moanin a!out@ -k* +rite this do+n@ Startin do+n !y the Cohn
on the !ack side* +e got Mary Alice@ Sleeps +ith her pillo+ stu##ed in her mouth@ Says her
mom says it'd keep her #rom grindin do+n her teeth or something@ She !e suckin that pillo+
like she getting paid #or it@ &hen it's Doris eatin pork rinds@ &hinks some!ody gonna gra! em
outta her mouth i# she eats em during the day@ Doris ain't dum!@ She #at* !ut she ain't dum!@
"eyE 4ou notice ho+ many girls is #at hereB &hen it !e %honda* snoring* Marevene*
+hee5ing and Su5anne* coughin@ &hen Clara and Ellie !e still +hisperin@ amily crap* +ho's
getting outta line* +hich girls is gittin a ne+ +ork 'signment* an +ho kin git e8tra desserts an
#or ho+ much@ &hem's the t+o really run the place@ My !ed right ne8t to Ellie* #or sure it's got
some o# her crap hid in it !y no+@ Crackers or some crap gonna leak out all over my sheets@
$ast time 7 #ound a goddamn grilled cheese in my pillo+@ Even had t+o o# them little +arty
pickles@ ChristE -k $inda and $ucille@ &he !e real Auiet* !ut the ain't sleepin@ .rayin* that's
them@ $inda !e sayin them "ell Mary's till you kin Cust a!out scream@ And $ucille* she tol me
once she didn't !elieve in no %od* Cus some stupid spirits +hooshin around every+here makin
people do stu##@ ,o+@7'd like to go to the other side@cu5 7 have !een listening to you #or the
last three hours@ 4our hus!and's getting laid o## and you lettuce is getting eat !y ra!!its@ Crap
City@ 4ou shut upE (hatdda 7 care i# 7 +ake every!ody upB 7 +ant the nurse@7'm getting sick
in here@an there's !ugs in hereEE
back to top
Don't +ook Down
Adele
Adele is in her late si4ties. She is a &ossessi"e woman and %an turn hysteria on or off at will.
She is full bosomed$ and has a motherly a&&earan%e.
4ou see +hat 7'm doingB (atch@ 7# you're not inside !y the time 7 count to three 7'm Cumping
and that's all there is to it@ 4ou hearB -ne@ t+o@ &hat !itchE &hat dirty rotten !itchE (hat do
you mean +ho* you kno+ +ho@ $ily Cooper@ &hat's +ho@ or thirty #ive years she !led us dry@
But 7 paid@ 7 paid happily* +ith no Auestions asked@ And #or +hatB "er silence@ 7 +as a#raid o#
+hat you might do i# she opened her !ig mouth@ She opened it and you did it@ "o+ they
+arned us* your #ather and me@ &he pediatrician@ My mother@ "is mother@ &he neigh!ors@ the
doctor +ho arranged the adoption@ But no* you had to gro+ up our o+n #lesh and !lood@ 7
hope you never kno+ +hat it is to live in #ear #or thirty #ive years@ ?ghE $ily CooperE &hat
vampireE She sucked the !lood #rom our veins drop !y drop +arning us again and again i# the
checks don't come through she'd tell you the truth@ &he truth that 7'm not your mother@she is@
"o+ 7 #ought to keep you #rom #inding out@ (hen 7 could pay* 7 paid@ But +hen the ulcer
operation cleaned me out* she had no use #or me anymore@ She said she'd talk and she did@
And no Silvia didn't kno+ you +ere a !astard* it +as Cust a good guess@ And still you ask +hy
7 didn't tell you this years agoB 7 don't understand ho+ you could ask such a Auestion@ 7t
+asn't +rong o# me not to tell you@ 7 mean* its hard to think a!out a child's rights +hen he is
sucking at your !reasts@@Alright* alright@ on a !ottle@ But either +ay* you +ere Cust as loved
mine or not@ And #or the last time* you're not a !astard@ She is the !astard* the dirty rotten
!itch@

back to top
mpromptu
By &ad Mosel
(ini#red
/infred is a %hara%ter a%tress and she has been &ut onstage with three other a%tors to a do
an im&romtu &lay and they are not able to lea"e the stage until the stage manger lowers the
house lights and feels their &lay is o"er.
Am 7 that cruel &onyB 7 never intended to !e cruel@ 7 #eel very kindly to most things@ But 7'm
ashamed o# it* so it doesn't come out that +ay@ &here
is something humiliating a!out letting yoursel# go@ 7 didn't mean that stu## 7 said a!out you not
!eing good enough to play my son &ony@ 7 think you can
play my son@ And you leave him alone ErnestE "e's trying as hard as he kno+s ho+E And 7
think he's doing a #ine per#ormanceE And he's not hopeless@ 4ou're al+ays so impatient@ And
he hasn't had as much e8perience as you've had@ 4ou al+ays +ant to !lunder in and take
charge o# everythingE 4ou cast him in the part no+* give him a chanceE Did you hear me*
&onyB 7 +as de#ending you@ 7 have never de#ended anyone !e#ore in my li#e@ ,o+ look +hat
you've made him do Ernest* you've made him leave@ (Angrily.) +ho are you today ErnestB 7
said* +ho are you todayB 4es* 7 kno+ +ho you areE But do youB Sitting smugly !ack and
talking a!out Dpoor &onyBD "e's the only one o# us +ho made a go o# this play@ (hat do 7
meanB -h* ErnestE Do you really +ant me to tell youB Shall 7 say itB Shall 7 put it into +ords
Cust +hat you are todayB 4ou are
the kind o# person +ho al+ays !elieves in their o+n a!ilities and ho+ they are sure to give
you success* that they placed you Cust a notch a!ove other
people@ 4ou +ere sure you could cope +ith any situation* any circumstances and act +ith
precision and +isdom@ &hat is all your li#e has !een !uilt
upon* isn't itB But my opinion isn't +hat matter is it@ 'ust as long as the audiences like you@
&hat's all that matters isn't itB &heir approval@ And
this is our play@ An improvisation@ (e have done everything that is e8pected o# us@ Are you
still +orrying a!out the audience ErnestB Don't you seeB &hey 're no di##erent #rom us E8cept
+hen the curtain #alls and the house lights come up* they'll have to go on - improvising@

234$%-
!y Moliere
.syche
.rinces* you !oth display to my eyes a choice so precious and da55ling that it +ould satis#y
the proudest heart@ But your passion* your #riendship* your supreme virtue* all increase the
value o# your vo+s o# #idelity* and make it a merit that 7 should oppose mysel# to +hat you
ask o# me@ 7 must not listen to my heart only !e#ore engaging in such a union* !ut my hand
must a+ait my #ather's decision !e#ore it can dispose o# itsel#* and my sisters have rights
superior to mine@ But i# 7 +ere re#erred a!solutely to my o+n +ishes* you might !oth have too
great a share in them* and my entire esteem !e so evenly !alanced !et+een you that 7 should
not !e a!le to decide in #avour o# either@ 7 +ould indeed respond +ith most a##ectionate
interest to the ardour o# your suit* !ut amid so much merit t+o hearts are too much #or me*
one heart too little #or you@ &he accomplishment o# my dearest +ishes +ould !e to me a
!urden +ere it granted to me !y your love@ 4es* .rinces* 7 should greatly pre#er you to all
those +hose love +ill #ollo+ yours* !ut 7 could never have the heart to pre#er one o# you to
the other@ My tenderness +ould !e too great a sacri#ice to the one +hom 7 might choose* and 7
should think mysel# !ar!arously unCust to in#lict so great a +rong upon the other@ 7ndeed* you
!oth possess such greatness o# soul that it +ould !e +rong to make either o# you misera!le*
and you must seek in love the means o# !eing !oth happy@ 7# your hearts honour me enough to
give me the right o# disposing o# them* 7 have t+o sisters +ell #itted to please* +ho might
make your destinies happy* and +hom #riendship endears to me enough #or me to +ish that
you should !e their hus!ands@
1%- &3-.
!y Moliere
)-S7,
(ho needs a do+ryBE (hy* this girl +ill !ring you more than t+elve thousand #rancs a yearE
&o !egin +ith* she has !een nursed and !rought up +ith the strictest notions o# #rugality@ She
is a girl accustomed to live upon salad* milk* cheese* and apples* and +ho conseAuently +ill
reAuire neither a +ell served up ta!le* nor any rich !roth* nor your everlasting peeled !arleyK
none* in short* o# all those delicacies that another +oman +ould +ant@ &his is no small matter*
and may +ell amount to three thousand #rancs yearly@ Besides this* she only cares #or
simplicity and neatnessK she +ill have none o# those splendid dresses and rich Ce+els* none o#
that sumptuous #urniture in +hich girls like her indulge so e8travagantlyK and this item is
+orth more than #our thousand #rancs per annum@ $astly* she has the deepest aversion to
gam!lingK and this is not very common no+adays among +omen@ (hy* 7 kno+ o# one in our
neigh!orhood +ho lost at least t+enty thousand #rancs this year@ But let us reckon only a
#ourth o# that sum@ ive thousand #rancs a year at play and #our thousand in clothes and Ce+els
make nine thousandK and three thousand #rancs +hich +e count #or #ood* does it not make you
t+elve thousand #rancsB
$+-02A1.A
*n sui%ide
Any minute no+ 7Fll put my hand in that !asket o# #igs and take out the asp@ 7 mean a#ter all*
thereFs nothing else to do@ And +hat the hell* 7Fve done everything@
7 donFt mind dying@ Especially no+ that 7Fm pushing #orty@ 7tFs !etter this +ay@ 7 guess* as
7Fve #ailed to #ascinate -ctavian* may!e 7Fm not all that !eauti#ul as 7 used to !e@ :&hough 7
canFt see it* to me 7 still look great@; (ell* 7Fm Cust as +ell o# dead !e#ore things get any
+orse@ (hat i# my eyes got pu##yB
&hey say that death !y the !ite o# an asp is very Auick and painless@ &he only thing is* 7 Cust
canFt !ear the thought o# sticking my hand in that !asket and touching a snake@ 7Fm not even
cra5y a!out handling #igs@ 7 kno+* no matter +hat anyone says that snakes are all cold and
slimy@ -h* ickE 7 +onder i# 7 could pick it up +ith a handkerchie#B 7 +ish there +ere some
other +ay to die@ 7 +ish someone +ould poison me* or !ash my head in* or may!e 7 could get
&B or something like that and die grace#ully* going out +ith a pathetic little cough and
clutching one per#ect lotus !lossom@ ,o* thatF snot good@ 7t isnFt stylish@
7# they had legs and #ur* 7 +ouldnFt mind so much@ 7 +onder i# itFs true that i# you gra! them
!y the neck they straighten outB (ell* 7Fm never going to #ind out@ 7Fm Cust going to gra!
+ithout looking and +hatever 7 gra!@ And it +ill pro!a!ly !e a #ig and itFll sAuash and 7Fll
die@ (hatever made me have it hidden in a !asket o# #igsB ,uts may!e* or Seckel pears* or
green applesGanything !ut #igs@ 7 +onder i# an asp sAuishes@
7 +ish 7 could put it to my #oot or my ankle :my !eauti#ul* long* aristocratic high-arched #oot*
or my lovely slender ankle@; !ut they say the poison only +orks #ast and painlessly i# you get
it near your heart@ 7 hope asp poison doesnFt dis#igure you in any +ay@ 7Fd hate to think 7
+as going to s+ell up or turn !lue a#ter+ards@ "ere goes@ -h* +hy do there have to !e #igs in
thereB 7Fll never get through this day alive@ DamnE 7 +ish it could !e a kni#e or a s+ord +ith
a nice dry handle@ (ell* that simply isnFt chic@ 7tFs done +ith an asp@ Suppose he doesnFt like
!iting@ (hat am 7 supposed to do thenB 'us sit there looking at him till he decidesB 7 hope he
doesnFt look at me@ 7Fm the one that should !e hooded@ (ell* 7Fll die either +ay@ 7# 7 donFt die
o# asp poison* 7Fll die o# #right@ &his is Cust not my day@
60$-3
,ate
7 gre+ up and crossed all kinds o# streets alone* much to the chagrin o# my #ather@ 7 +as not
the t+o-#aced type* never have !een* he had to listen to the details o# each o# my escapades@
7 moved to rance +hen 7 +as t+enty@ -ne month 7 mailed him a pamphlet then in currency
on the su!Cect o# ree $ove@ 7 said* +ith all seriousness* 7 agreed +ith the author o# the
piece though +hat my #ather did not kno+ +as 7 +as still a virgin* then@ "e +as in a rage
and +ired me to come !ack immediately@ 7 re#used@ 7t +as a matter o# principle* you see@ 7
told him that 7 +as the Captain o# my ship and this +as my li#e 7 +rote to him@ "e +ired
!ack a terse and shocking messageK D4our li#e* 4ou .ay@D & he #irst !ig shock in my as yet
too innocent li#eL (hen 7 +ent to the !ank in .aris 7 #ound 7'd !een cut o##@ &he rent +as
due@ 7 had no place to go@ &hat morning or +hat +as morning #or mereally* 7 suppose +as
a#ternoon #or every!ody else 7 packed all my !elongings in #our !ags* gave one o# my last
#rancs to the grocerFs son around the corner and +e +alked to the railroad station at
Montparnesse* +here 7 locked my !ags in a ca!inet@ And there 7 +as in the streets +ith
only a key and my +its and something else 7 #ound had inestima!le value@ Men@

/-7CES
%race
7 stand here and try to remem!er mysel# as a girl@ (ho +as 7 !e#ore 7 met (illiamB
Be#ore Andy and then 'essica and thend Kathy and then Dan +as !orn@ 7 +as not very
old@ 7 #inished a year and a hal# o college* a year and a hal# o# reading Shakespeare and
learning the names o# English kings@ 7 had +anted to !e a la+yer@ 7 loved )osalind
)ussell* the actress #rom the 2T=6's +ho +ore shoulder pads rushing a!out cities* her
eyes +ide open* her tongue Ca!!ing* arguing la+ cases** reporting murder stories* and
even !eing-a mayor@ &hough in that movie she retired into marriage and that's +hat 7
did though 7 had a lover #irst and thought mysel# old and Caded@ "e had !een my
Classics pro#essorK he +as* o# course* married@@ (e dined
-
n plush restaurants red +alls
around us chandeliers a!ove us@ (e drove to the country +here +e lay in #ields and he
read me poetry !y .indar and medieval lyrics@ "e taught me to drink +ineK +e ate a #ish
course and a meat course@ "e laughed at everything 7 said until 7 thought mysel# a great
+it@ "e had a deep voice graying hair and dressed like the dethroned duke o# England@
,e8t to him all the younger men +ith hair greased do+n so that their ears stuck out and
+orried looks and voices on the edge o# loudness spattering out their li#e plans as i#
they +ere declarations o# state seemed idiots@ But then 7 #ound mysel# one day e8actly
no +here@ 7 had thought 7 +as pregnant and my pro#essor in one day #ound a proper
Doctor in ,e+ 4ork !ought a plane ticket* gave me Y>66 in cash and said* D%ood!ye*D
he could hurt me no longer@ 7n ,e+ 4ork 7 #ound 7 +asnFt pregnant@ So 7 stayed@ 7
never +ent !ack to the university* and #eared my hometo+n +ould !e too small@ (hen
7 +rote my parents said 7 must come home or go to +ork@ 7 +as proud@ 7tFs #unny ho+
o#ten +omen o# my age look !ack and say those +ords* 7 was proud@

1%- 3-A;<++ by Anton $heko#
9ina

(hy do you say that you kissed the earth on +hich 7 +alkedB 7 ought to !e killed@ 7 am so
tiredE 7 i# could rest@@@i# 7 could restE 7 am a sea-gull@@@no* that's not it@ 7 am an actress@ -h*
+elllE :"earing Madame Arkadin and &rigorin laughing* she listens* then goes to door and ;
"e is here* too@@@ -h* +ell@@@it doesn't matter@@@no@@ "e did not !elieve in the stage* he al+ays
laughed at my dreams and little !y little 7 le#t o## !elieving in it too* and lost heart@@@and then 7
+as #retted !y love and Cealousy* and continually an8ious over my little one@@@7 gre+ petty and
trivial* 7 acted stupidly@@@7 did not kno+ +hat to do +ith my arms* 7 did not kno+ ho+ to stand
on the stage* 7 could not control my voice@ 4ou can't understand +hat it #eels like +hen one
kno+s one is acting disgrace#ully@ 7 am a sea-gull@ ,o* that's not it@@Do you remem!er you
shot a sea-gullBA man came !y chance* sa+ it an* Cust to pass the time* destroyed it@@@A su!Cect
#or a short story@@@that's not it* though@ :ru!s her #orehead; (hat +as 7 sayingB@@@7 am talking o#
the stage@ ,o+ 7 am not like that@ 7 am a real actress* 7 act +ith enCoyment* +ith enthusiasm* 7
am into8icated +hen 7 am on the stage and #eel that 7 am splendid@ And since 7 have !een
here* 7 keep +alking a!out and thinking* thinking and #eeling that my soul is getting
stronger@Every day no+ 7 kno+* 7 understand Kostya* that in our +ork-in acting or +riting-
+hat matters is not #ame* not glory* not +hat 7 dreamed o#* !ut kno+ing ho+ to !e patient@ &o
!ear one's cross and have #aith@ 7 have #aith and it all doesn't hurt so much* and +hen 7 think
o# my vocation 7 am not a#raid o# li#e@ 'sh-sh@ @@@7 am going@ %ood!ye@ (hen 7 !ecome a great
actress* come and look at me@

?etrayal
ina is angry with her boyfriend$ or should - say e4Aboyfriend. 'er anger and humiliation is
so intense that her eyes begin to gla7e$ but &roudly holds ba%( the tears as she gi"es him a
&ea%e of her mind.
&inaL (hat do you thing you're doingBE 7 mean as i# it +asn't !ad enough you asked %inny out
on a date !ehind my !ack* !ut 7 had to #ind out a!out it* #rom Shannon* +ho couldn't +ait to
thro+ it in my #ace@ 7 +as so humiliated* 7 could have diedE 7 thought +e +ere supposed to !e
going out@@@isn't that +hat you told me MondayB (hat ever happened too* D&ina* you're
di##erent #rom other girls*D or* D7 #eel like 7 can tell you anythingD* or* D7 kne+ you +ere
special the #irst time 7 sa+ youDB (ere you Cust playing meB (hat do you +ant #rom meB
:.ause; ,oE 4ou kno+ +hatB 7 don't even care@@@this +hole thing +as Cust a pathetic lie to
satis#y your ego* +asn't itB@@@7 mean you didn't even have the decency to !reak it o## !e#ore
you Cumped into something else@ 7 can't !elieve 7 #ell #or the +hole honesty routine@@@'ust
leave* 7 can't even look at you* you make me sick :.ause; .lease* Cust leaveE@@@-@K@@@7 admit it*
you got me* so take your little trophy* add me to your collection and get out o# my li#eE

THE OUTCAST
Teenage girl is chatting with her friend on the phone making fun of a school outcast just before tragedy
strikes.(Dramatic)
Did you see what Susan Benning was wearing last week !ow "othic can you get (pause) #ell$ try
being her neighbor% &ast saturady she came by my house to ask if ' wanted to see some new e(hibit
called ) the *orgotten !istory +f ,ilgrims) (pause) ' know% Snore -ity% (pause) +f course ' told her no%
' can.t risk my reputation by hanging out with that nut% ' mean...she.s nice and all but sometimes you
ha/e to draw a line (pause) 0ugh$ hang on% -all waiting. (presses a button on the phone and puts it
back to her ear) !ello (pause) +h... !i$1rs. Benning (pause). 2o$ my mom isn.t here can ' take a
mess (pause) #hat (in shock) SS..Susan what (trying to register what she has been told) -alm
down$ 1rs. Benning% #hat happened (pause) #as she in an accident (pause) (shock)
SSS..SSuicide +h my god. (pause) 3m$ yeah. '.ll tell my mom... bye. (presses a button on the phone
and holds it to her ear) (talks softly on the /erge of tears) 1indy '..aa..ha/e to call you back. (pause) '
don.t want to talk about it (pause) (sudden anger) ' said ' D+2.T #02T T+ T0&4 0B+3T 'T%% (hangs
up phone).

Delinquent
by 5mily ,icha
(A mother walks onstage, obviously frustrated and confused. She sits down in a chair and attempts
to read, but this fails. While holding her book, she utters things about her daughter, Dana.)
Teenagers these days% Don.t they understand that it.s not safe to be out till 6 o.clock in the
morning #hy ' could... (pauses) ' hate to sound like an old grumpy woman$ but ' guess that.s what '
am. 1y so7called daughter walked into my house at 6 o.clock last night. She said she forgot the time.
*orgot the time #hat kind of idiot can.t tell when the sun is breaking and you./e been out for ten
hours with that.. that 8eremy kid. !oodlum. (ries to read again.) 0"-!!%%% ' can.t belie/e this% ' can.t
e/en hold my eyes on a godforsaken book% The ner/e of that child. 1aking me worried sick% ' can.t
belie/e this. ' really can.t. #hen we were kids$ we would ne/er dare do a thing like that to hurt our
parents% They did too much for us. #e had respect$ '.ll tell you% &ot.s of it% 0nd what did ' to do deser/e
a delin9uent child './e worked for her all my life% -hanging diapers$ teaching her manners$ dri/ing her
e/erywhere$ and look what she turns around and does Decie/es me% #hen is it going to end 't
wasn.t just this. &ast week she lied to me$ said she was going o/er to a girlfriend.s to study. !0% ' knew
it all along. She snuck off to the beach with that 8eremy kid. !oodlum. 0nd she did god knows what
there% Then she comes home with these big bloodshot eyes. 1y baby% Stoned% +h and then last
month$ oh last month% !er counselor calls me up and tells me to come down to the school. &ittle 1iss
8u/enile Delin9uent brought cigarrettes to school% 0nd she was smoking them in the bathroom% 4ids
these days% 't.s cra:y$ ' tell ya$ what ' hear on the news. 0nd now% 1y daughter is becoming one of
them hoodlums% #alkin. around town with those baggy pants and re/ealing tanktops and B&35 !0';%
She looks like a smurf% Skater smurf% !0% 4ids these days% #e weren.t like that when ' was a kid. 2o
siree% #e were good$ with lots of respect for our elders% ' tell ya.. (!oes back to reading)

Ashley
' knew ' shouldn<t ha/e done it. 't was a mistake from the beginning. But it was the -hristmas dance
and ' just broke up with -had and ' had this awesome formal and=well=' couldn<t think of anything
worse than staying home. 0nd Doris$ my best friend$ like$ her brothers best friend was in town and
didn<t ha/e a date$ so=so why not$ okay ' mean$ #ho wants to be sitting around with their mom and
dad watching sitcoms when e/erybody else is out partying
'f ' do say so myself ' was totally cool. ' had this cute formal with spaghetti straps that was /ery
sophisticated$ and shoes right out of /ogue. ' was happening. Then -liff shows up> did he e/er$ like
when ' opened the door> here '<m staring into this guy<s belt$ okay% This is how tall he was. !e wasn<t
bad looking$ ' guess. ' really couldn<t tell ' was to short to see his face. #e get to the dance and
e/erything stops when we walk in the door. Bang% &ike the whole room free:es and e/erybody turns to
look at the freaky couple of the year. 1ini 1ouse and Big Bird. 't was totally embarrassing% ' looked
daggers at Doris she could ha/e at least clued me. ' was going out with the #ashington 1onument.
2ow for the worst part? when we started to slow dance$ ' reached up for -liff<s shoulders and ' hear
something rip7> like both of my spaghetti straps had broken. ' looked down just in time to keep my
dress from falling off my boobs. 't was totally mortifying% ,eople laughed$ e/en the dorks in the cheesy
band cracked up. But then -liff$ who is towering o/er e/erybody$ spins around and says? )' don<t know
you people$ '<m just here for the holidays$ but '<m glad ' don<t because anybody who embarrasses
people and makes them feel small is an ultimate creep$ anybody got a problem with that) #ow% @ou
could ha/e heard paint dry. 2obody mo/ed. Then he says$ ) c<mon 0shley we<re outta here.) +2 the
way home$ we stopped off for pasta at mama "ina<s$ where -liff did all the ordering. 2obody has e/er
done this before. 0nd we talked and$ talked and ' disco/ered he was really a neat person7 supper
intelligent and mannerly.
0nd all of a sudden$ him being a giant didn<t matter anymore$ and the fact that '<d been totally mortified
didn<t e/en enter my mind. !e<s staying o/er for 2ew @ears and we<re going to the big dance together.
This time$ my dress will be slee/eless.
The Picture of Perfection
Carla

(his is actually from an original play. "arla is a #perfect# $%&yr.&old, always the best at what she
does. 'ut that(s never good enough for her parents. She feels the need to always be better than
everyone. She(s even resorted to taking speed to keep herself awake for the fre)uent all&nighters she
has to pull in order to study. *n this monologue, she vents to her teddy bear about the pressures of
always having to be the best.)
Someone once told me that you can.t hide what you are. 0nd no matter how hard you try$ people
can always just see right through you. 0t least the smart ones can. 0nd '.m a failure. 0 complete and
utter failure. "od$ ' swear there.s something terminally wrong with me. ' got a B. 0nd that.s it. '.m done.
'./e ne/er been the best. But e/eryone thought ' was. )+h$ look at -arla$ she.s so smart% She can get
straight 0.s without e/en trying.) !a% 'f you call studying for twel/e hours a day not trying$ then ' guess
they.re right. 0nd ' studied for this test$ too. ' really did% But do they belie/e that 2o. 0ll they see is the
letter )B) sprawled across the top of the page$ and suddenly they can.t e/en find the words to e(press
their anger. They know '.m a failure. They know it.s what './e always been. 0nd it hurts them. 1y
parents. 't really hurts them to remember how truly flawed their daughter is. !ow stupid she is. ' hate
this. ' hate causing them pain. ' mean$ they./e been so good to me. But it wasn.t my fault. #hy can.t
they understand that #hy doesn.t anyone understand what ' go through e/eryday$ trying to maintain
my perfection. 't isn.t easy$ you know. There.s a lot more to it than people think. @ou ha/e to be three
steps ahead of e/eryone else. That.s the only way to assure that you.re the winner. (she suddenly
breaks down ) ' win% '.m the best% 1e$ me$ me% ' win$ ' win$ ' win% 2o one can beat me% 2o one% ' win% '
always win% (she regains her composure) ' ha/e to be the best. Because that.s who ' am. -arla
,eters$ the best. 0nd without that$ ' ha/e no identity. '.m just no one. 0nd ' don.t know if ' could handle
being no one. ' better get studying$ so ' don.t fail again. 2ow then$ where the hell are my pills

$%$A;0
)o8y "art
@ou know$ ' always wanted to ha/e my name on the papers. Before ' met 0mos$ ' used to date this
wealthy dude$ ugly bootlegger. !e used to take me out and
show me off. 3gly guys like to do that.+nce it said in the paper$ gangland alcopaly seen a shade Aito
with cute blonde. That was me. @ou know all my life$ ' wanted to ha/e my own act. But$ no... 0lways
no$ they always turned me down. +ne big world7full of no. 0nd then 0mos came along. Sa/e sweet
0mos. #ho ne/er says no. '<m sorry$ './e ne/er done this before. But you know$ it.s such a special
night. 0nd you are such a great audience% 0nd ' really feel like ' can talk to you$ you know So forget
what you read in the papers. 0nd forget what you heard on the radio. Because...because l.m gonna
tell you the truth. 2ot that the truth really matters. But
'.m gonna tell you anyway. 'n the bed apartment$ 0mos was... :ero. ' mean$ when he made lo/e to
me$it was like... was he fi(ing a carburetor or something. ... 0nyway$ ' started fooling around. 0nd '
then ' started screwing around. #hich is fooling around without dinner. Then ' met *red -asely. !e
said he could get me into Aaud/ille. But that didn.t 9uite work out like ' planned. ' guess it didn.t really
work out to *red either. So ' ga/e up the whole Aaud/ille idea. lf you can figure after all these years$
opportunities just pass you by. 0nd now$ once this *lynn guy gets me off and with all these publicity$ '
got me a world full of yes%
DA9$9; W1% 1%- D-6+
7 like to dance* to #eel air inside my !ody@ 7 think that dancing +ill save me #rom pain@ &he music +ill
earth me and the !eat +ill !ring me to the ground@ 7 go dancing in gay !ars +ith #unny names@ 7
take great pleasure !eing a girl in a !oy !ar* enCoying the #act that no one +ill try to pick me up@ My
li#e is sa#e@ 7 play outrageous* !ut my li#e is sa#e@ 7 have made it that +ay@ 'ust enough outrage and lots
o# sa#ety nets@ 7 live in an old apartment !uilding in Soho* +here the artists are* across the hall #rom a
Ma#ia +ido+ and ne8t door to an idiot +ith a loud dog@ 7 listen to the dog ho+l +henever he is alone@
&he sound o# this drives me cra5y* and 7 complain a!out it !ut the o+ner does not listen@ -n the #irst
day o# the ne+ year* 7 +rite do+n a list o# my dreams and goals@ 7 have many dreams-the #oremost o#
+hich is thisL D7 +ant to !e trans#ormed@D 7 +rite it do+n* D7 +ant to !e trans#ormed*D !ecause that is
+hat 7 +ant@ 7 look #or my trans#ormation any+here 7 can@ 7 look #or it in the eyes o# other people* !ut
do not see it there@ 7 look #or it in the mountains o# ,e+ Me8ico* in the +ater o# the hot springs* in the
air o# ,e+ 4ork City and in the +ords that come to me +hile 7 dream@ 7 dream that 7 am leaving an
old city and moving to a ne+ one and going to #ilm school and leaving my mother@ 7t is 'une* and 7
am t+enty-#our* and 7 am a!out to !e trans#ormed

Ditched
by 5mily ,icha

(Sil/ia is in her mid teens and has yet to ha/e a boyfriend. She is going through what many of us go
through when our friends first start getting boyfriends and we are left in the dust.)
"reat. -arrie is at her boyfriend.s house again. ' called her last night and she said she could do
something today. ' swear$ if she ditches me one more time ' am not going to call her anymore to hang
out.
't.s funny. 0s soon as she met -raig she abandoned all of us. She said that we were still really
important to her$ but she ditched us without e/en saying a word. That.s spineless. ' thought that we
were really good friends because we hung out so much when we were both single. #e talked about
our li/es in such detail$ and it was so nice ha/ing someone to complain to. But look at me now$ without
anyone to talk to but her busy signals when she.s talking to her oh so wonderful boyfriend of two
months.
So ' guess '.m jealous. ' guess that no one really needed to tell me that. But '.m not jealous for her$
' just want someone to talk to. 1y life isn.t easy right now. 't .s /ery stressful with school and all$ and
it.s hard meeting new people at school because e/eryone is already settled in their social groups. But
not me. Sometimes ' feel like '.m the only person who has problems with meeting people. ' can be
such a dedicated friend though$ most people ne/er figure that out. ' care so much about people once
they get to know me and they break my mask. 5/eryone wears masks at school. #e wear them for
protection. -arrie doesn.t need that anymore because she found someone who would always be there
to protect her. ' hope someday she learns how to balance out friends and boyfriends. *or now$ '.ll just
ha/e to wait.
$aundry 0 Bour!on 13
!y 'ames McClure
"A&&7E 13
&oday 7 +ent through living hell@ 7 +ent shopping +ith my children@ Disastrous@
(hen my kids hit a department story they go !erserk@ 7 think it activates something in their
glands@ (e hadn't !een in '@C@ .enney's #ive minutes !e#ore they scattered in all direction@
,o+ you take my little Cheryl@ She's a s+eet little thing !ut !less her heart she's a thie#@ 7t's
time 7 #aced #acts* '$i5a!eth@ My daughter is a kleptomaniac@ As soon as +e got into that
store* she started stu##ing her pockets@ Stu##ing her clothing@ She ran a+ay #rom me and ten
minutes later 7 sa+ her@ 7 !arely recogni5ed my only daughter@ She looked like a !each !all
+ith legs@ &elling her to put it !ack is no good@ &hieving is in her !lood@ She gets it #rom
/ernon 'r@ ,o+ he +as in the hard+are department chasing his !rother +ith a hammer@ And
all little )oger +as doing +as screaming@ Someho+ /ernon 'r@ !roke a solid steel '@C@
.enney hammer@ (hen it comes to destruction* /ernon 'r@ is a genius@ But 7 tell you* it's the
last time 7 go shopping +ith those kids@ 7 took the little darlings over to /ern's mother's
place@ She has a nice !ig house@ &hey ought to have it leveled in a!out an hour or so@
$aundry 0 Bour!on 19
!y 'ames McClure
E$7OABE&"
7 remem!er the #irst day )oy drove into to+n in that car@ "e'd +orked three years* summers
and +inters* #or the do+n payment@ "e drove
right through the center o# to+n@ 7t +as !right pink@ 7 remem!er 7 +as coming out o# the drug
store +ith an ice cream cone@ &he sun o##
the hood +as !linding@ Couldn't even see the car@ &hen it passed in to one shado+ and 7 sa+
it@ or the #irst time@ 7t +as !eauti#ul* and )oy hardly kne+ me then !ut he +aved at me* and
7 dropped my vanilla cone right there on the pavement@ And 7 kne+Ghe +as the one@
)emem!er drive-insB )oy and 7* +e'd drive around and around and then go make out@ %od* 7
+ant them !ack@ 7 +ished tonight +as ten years ago@ And )oy +as coming to pick me up in
that pink &hunder!ird@ 7 +ished 7 could !uy !ack some o# the nights o# summer 7 had 7 that
car@ (hen everything +as cool and #ree and driving along the high+ay a+ay #rom his stupid
to+n@ (ith the +ind coming at you and the stars all they +ay to the hori5on* like diamonds
that +ent all they +ay to da+n@ &hen driving o## the road some+here@ By a lake may!e@
Any+here@ Being o## #rom to+n +ith the !oy you loved !etter than anything ever in your
+hole li#e@ 7'd never really #elt +ith my !ody !e#ore )oy@ Suddenly it +as like every pore o#
my skin +as !eing opened like in a
rain storm* #eeling and holding everything you possi!ly +anted righter there in your arms@
(hat 7 +ouldn't' give to have those nights again@ 'ust one night +hen the !ack seat o# that
&hunder!ird +as s+eeter than all the !eds in the +orld@

.la5a Suite
!y ,eil Simon
,-)MA
()ormaGs husband$ #oy$ is out on the ledge trying to get their daughter to %ome out of the
bathroom and get married. he &hone %all is to the groomGs father)
:Bemoaning her #ate@; "e'll kill himsel#@ "e'll #all and kill himsel#* that's the +ay my luck's
!een going all day@ :She staggers a+ay #rom the +indo+ and leans on the !ureau@; 7'm not
going to look@ 7'll Cust +ait until 7 hear a scream@ :&he &E$E."-,E rings and ,orma
screams in #right@; AggghhhEE @ @ @ 7 thought it +as him @ @ @:She crosses to the phone !y the
!ed@ &he &E$E."-,E rights again@; -h* %od* +hat am 7 going to sayB :she picks it up@;
"elloB @ @ @ -h* Mr@ Eisler@ 4es* +e're coming@ @ @ My hus!and's getting Mimsey no+@ @ @ (e'll
!e right do+n@ "ave some more hors d'oeuvres@ @ @ -h* thank you@ 7t certainly is the happiest
day o# my li#e@ :She hangs up@; ,o* 7'm going to tell him 7've got a hus!and dangling over
i#ty-ninth Street@ :As she crosses !ack to the opened +indo+* a sudden torrent o# )A7,
!egins to #all@ As she gets to the +indo+ and sees it@; 7 kne+ itE 7 kne+ itE 7t had to happen@ @
@ :She gets closer to the +indo+ and tries to look out@; Are you all right )oyB @ @ @ )oyB
:&here's no ans+er@; "e's not all right* he #ell@ :She staggers into the !edroom@; "e #ell* he
#ell* he #ell* he #ell @ @ @ "e's dead* 7 kno+ it@ :She collapses onto the armchair@; "e's laying
there in a puddle in #ront o# &rader /ic's @ @ @ 7'm passing out@ &his time 7'm really passing outE
:And she passes out on the chair* legs and arms spread-eagled@ &he D--)BE$$ rings* she
Cumps right up@; 7'm comingE 7'm comingE "elp me* +hoever you are* help meE :She rushes
through !edroom into living room and to the #ront door@; -h* .lease some!ody help me*
pleaseE
.la5a Suite 13
!y ,eil Simon
,-)MA
()orma is on the &hone$ her daughter is in the bathroom$ refusing to %ome out and get
married)
"elloB @ @ @ "ello* operatorB @ @ @ Can 7 have the Blue )oom please* @ @ @ &he Blue )oom @ @ @ 7s
there a .ink )oomB @ @ @ 7 +ant the "u!ley-Eisler +eeding @ @ @ &he %reen )oom* that's it@
&hank you @ @ @ Could you please hurry* operator it's an emergency @ @ @ (She loo(s o"er at the
bathroom ner"ously. She &a%es ba%( and forth.) "elloB @ @ @ (ho's thisB @ @ @ Mr@ Eisler @ @ @ 7t's
,orma "u!ley @ @ @ ,o* everything's #ine @ @ @ 4es* +e're coming right do+n @ @ @ (she is smiling
and trying to a%t as &leasant and as %alm as &ossible.) 4es* you're right* it certainly is the !ig
day @ @ @ Mr@ Eisler* is my hus!and thereB @ @ @ +ould you pleaseB @ @ @ -hE (ell* 7'd like to +ish
you the very !est o# luck too @ @ @ Borden's a +onder#ul !oy @ @ @ (ell* they're !oth +onder#ul
kids @ @ @ ,o* no@ She's as calm as a cucum!er @ @ @ &hat's the younger generation* 7 guess @ @ @
4es* everything seems to !e going along !eauti#ully @ @ @ A!solutely !eauti#ully @ @ @ -h* thank
you@ ('er husband has ob"iously 5ust %ome on the other end be%ause the e4&ression on her
fa%e %hanges "iolently and she s%reams a ra&ing whis&er filled with doom. Sitting on the
bed.) )oyB 4ou'd !etter get up here right a+ay* +e're in !ig trou!le @ @ @ Don't ask Auestions*
Cust get up here @ @ @ 7 hope you're not drunk !ecause 7 can't handle this alone @ @ @ Don't say
anything@ 'ust smile and +alk leisurely out the door @ @ @ and then get the hell up here as #ast
as you can@ (She hangs u&$ &utting the &hone ba%( on night table. She %rosses to the
bathroom and then &uts her head u& again the door. Aloud through bathroom door.) All
right* Mimsey* your #ather's on his +ay up@ ,o+* 7 +ant you to come out o# that !athroom
and get married@ (here is no answer.) Do you hear meB @ @ @ 7've has enough o# this
nonsense @ @ @ ?nlock that doorE (hatGs about the end of her authority. She wilts and almost
&leads.) Mimsey* darling* please come do+nstairs and get married* you kno+ your #ather's
temper @ @ @ 7 kno+ +hat you're going through no+* s+eetheart* you're Cust nervous @ @ @
Everyone goes through that on their +edding day @ @ @ 7t's going to !e all right* darling@ 4ou
love Borden and he loves you@ 4ou're !oth going to have a +onder#ul #uture@ So please come
out o# the !athroomE (She listens$ there is no answer.) Mimsey* i# you don't care a!out your
li#e* think a!out mine@ 4our #ather'll kill me@ (he from D**#.!LL rings. )orma loo(s off
ner"ously and mo"es to the other side of the bed.) -h* %od* he's hereE @ @ @ MimseyE Mimsey*
please spare me this @ @ @ 7# you +ant* 7'll have it annulled ne8t +eek* !ut please come out and
get marriedE (here is no answer from the bathroom but the front D**#.!LL rings
im&atiently.) All right* 7'm letting your #ather in@ And heaven help the three o# usE

"A7K?
,ell
'ohn said you +ere to !eauti#ul to live@ 7t +as true@ 4ou and Be!e together* you +ere like
china dolls@ Delicate* per#ect@ And then@@@that day 7 sa+ you through the +indo+@ Billie +as
one the s+ing set* and you +ere there@ -utside@ She +as in red* and you had on that !lue
Cumpsuit* the corduroy one +ith the 5ipper@ the !all lay !eside you@ And that momma doll that
+inked@ 4ou +ere so Auiet@ 4ou_d stared !e#ore* o# course* +hen something #acinated you* as
all children do +hen they@@@as all children do@ But this time* you +ere@@@di##erent@ 7 called #or
you to come inside@ $ulu* come inside and have some lunchE But you didn_t hear me@ Be!e*
!ring $ulu and come insideE 7 +ent out then@ 7 had to get do+n on my knees !eside you@ i
touched your hair and then your #ace@ 7 held up that momma doll* !ut you stared through it in
a +ay that@@@ unny* 7 don_t remem!er !eing a#raid@ 7 remem!er the look on your sisters
#ace@@@Do you kno+* 7 used to cry +hen school endedB7t_s trueE 7 used to cry ont eh last day i#
every school year@ My mother thought i +as cra5y@ 7_d come dragging my !ook !ag over the
#ields* my #ace all +et@ And my mommaE ,ellie* she_d say@@@you_re the strangest girl i ever did
seeE@@@&ell you a!out CohnB All right then@ 'ohn +as tall and thin like 7cha!od Crane* only not
so scared@ "e +asn't scared o# anything* not 'ohn@ "e had a !ig* strong Ca+ and a tu#t o#
yello+ hair that stood up on his head* as yello+ as Mr@ &urners da##odils
"E$$-* )7CK
"ello* )ick* can you hear meB 7'm calling #rom the !us@ 7t's Cust past > o'clock no+ and so
cro+ded 7 can hardly talk@ Any+ay* 7'll !e home in less than 2> minutes@
@@@(hat's thatB )ick* this isn't a good connection@ 7'll speak a little louder@ 7s that !etterB %ee*
everyone's looking at me@ 7t's like they never sa+ anyone using a mo!ile on pu!lic transport@
$isten* )ick* 7 need to tell you something@@@ (ell* serious enough@ 7 Cust had a run-in at the
dentist* no* not +ith the dentist himsel#* !ut +ith his old !ag o# an assistant@ "e had !egun
drilling one o# my #ront upper teeth@ Seconds later* this stupid assistant o# his put the sucker so
#ar do+n my throat 7 gagged@ 7 Cumped up #rom the hori5ontal position 7 +as lying in so 7
could spit out* !ut my !ack muscles +eren't up to such a sudden sit-up@ 7 think 7 dislocated my
verte!rae or disc* 7'm not sure +hich@ So no+* not only is my mouth s+ollen* !ut my !ack is
out o# +hackE
)ick* can you hear meB -kay then* so 7 gra!!ed the sucker #rom the dental assistant and tried
to shove it into her o+n #at #ace@ &he dentist pulled us apart* no easy task* let me tell youE 7
told the dentist +here to go and le#t@ Can you imagineB 7 go to the dentist +ith a !ad tooth and
leave +ith a +orse !ackE
-ne second* )ick* there's a little t+erp sitting ne8t to me +ho's !othering me@ Can you hear
himB "e's telling me to shut up or speak so#ter@ -ne second +hile 7 talk to him@ D"ey
dickhead* it's a #ree country and 7'll talk as loud as 7 +ant@ 7'm paying the !ill #or this mo!ile
and 7 also paid #or the ticket to get on this !us* so !og o##ED
Back to that cra5y dental assistant* )ick* do you think 7 can sue #or medical malpracticeB -r is
it called negligenceB (hatever the term is* 7 +ant compensationE My !ack is killing meE
"old on a minute@@@ D$isten* mate* can't you hear 7'm having a personal conversationB 7'll talk
to my hus!and as long as 7 +ant toED
-h* another thing* )ick* did they come in to #i8 the radiatorsB @@@ ,oB &hat's no e8cuse@ 7'm
going to phone them right no+ and give them a piece o# my mindE &hey +ere supposed to do
it last@@@
-h* my %od* )ick* the guy +ho told me to shut up is threatening meE "e Cust said he's going
to ram the !loody mo!ile do+n my throatE )ick* call the policeE Conductor* helpE A-a-g-g-h-
hE


,ever Been Kissed- movie
'osie %ellar

$et me tell you something@ 7 don't care a!out !eing the prom Aueen@ 7 am t+enty #ive years
old@ 7'm here as an undercover reporter #or the Sun &imes #or %od's sake and 7've !een !eating
my !rains out trying to impress you@ 7 +ant to tell you something@ 4ou people- %uy* %i!!y*
the rest o# you +ho have !een keeping the geeks do+n through the ages@ 4ou +ill spend your
lives trying to #igure out +ays to keep others do+n* !ecause it makes you #eel more
important@ And you +ill miss out on so much@ (hy her* huhB (hat did she ever do to youB
$et me tell you something a!out this girl@ She is un!elieva!le@ 7 +as ne+ here* and she
!e#riended me- no Auestions asked@ But you people* you +ere my #riends only a#ter my
!rother* )o!@@@ posed as a student and told you to like me@ But y'kno+--l have to thank you@ 7
got to go to an ama5ing prom@ 7 got to !e prom Aueen@ 7 got to !e cool@ 7t #elt good@ But not as
good as !eing mysel#@ And to all o# you-- there's a !ig +orld out there@ Bigger than prom@
Bigger than high school@ (hen you get there* it +on't matter i# you +ere prom Aueen or the
Auarter!ack or the !iggest nerd in school@ (hat matters is that you don't regret +ho you +ere*
+ho you are-(hat i# Steven Spiel!erg had Auit the audio/visual clu! !ecause it +asn't DcoolDB
(hat i# )osie -'Donnell had stopped cracking Cokes !ecause someone told her they +ere
stupidB (hat i# Michael 'ordan never +ent !ack to !asket!all a#ter he got cut #rom his high
school teamB 7n this room right no+* there could !e a #uture ,o!el .ri5e +inner* a Supreme
Court 'ustice* an ama5ing Mom@ ind out +ho you are and don't !e a#raid o# it@

$ily Dale
!y "orton oote
-h* Brother@ BrotherE 7'm sorryE -h* dear BrotherE 7'm so sorryE 7 didn't mean a +ord o# those
terri!le things 7 said@ ,ot a one@ 7 don't kno+ +hat gets into me@ 7 have a terri!le disposition*
Brother* a terri!le disposition@ 7t's the )o!edau8 coming out o# me@ orgive me* please* please
#orgive me@ (She and 'ora%e are %rying) 7 loved .apa@ Believe me* 7 did@ 'ust as much as you
did@ 7 loved him* !ut it hurts me so to talk a!out
him* Brother@ And it scares me* too@ 4ou don't kno+ ho+ it scares me@ 7 +ake sometimes in
the night* and 7 think 7 can hear .apa coughing and struggling to !reathe like he used to@ and 7
didn't mean that a!out you leaving* Brother@ 7'm glad you're here and 7 +ant you to stay until
you're all +ell and strong again@ Because you're the only !rother 7 have and sometimes at
night* 7 see you dead and in your co##in and 7 cry in my dreams like my heart +ill !reak@ 7 am
really crying !ecause my crying +akes me up and 7 say to mysel#* DBrother is alive and not
dead at all* that's Cust a dream*D !ut still 7 #eel so misera!le* 7 Cust lie there so!!ing* like my
heart +ill !reak@ And sometimes Mama hears me and comes in and says* D(hy are you
crying* $ily DaleBD And 7 say* DBecause 7 dreamt again that Brother +as dead and had gone to
heaven and le#t us@D (She holds him tighter.) 4ou're all the #amily 7 have* Brother* you and
Mama@ And +e must never leave each other@ .romise me you'll never leave me and promise
me you'll #orgive me@ .romise me* promise me@
A Delicate Balance
!y Ed+ard Al!ee
C$A7)E
(ell* 7 had an adventure today@ (ent into to+n* thought 7'd shake 'em up a little* so 7 tried to
#ind me a topless !athing suit@ 4es* 7 did@ 7 +ent
into +hat's-their-names'* and 7 +ent straight up to the s+im-+ear* as they call it* department
and 7 got me an eighteen-nineties schoolteacher type* +ho +ondered +hat she could do #or
me@ And 7 #elt like telling her* D,ot much* s+eetheartD@@@@But 7 said* D"ello* there* 7'm in the
market #or a topless s+imsuit@D DA +hat* MissBD she said* +hich 7 didn't kno+ +hether to take
as a compliment or not@ DA topless s+imsuit*D 7 said@ D7 don't kno+ +hat you mean*D she said
a#ter a !eat@ D-h* certainly you do*D 7 said* Dno top* stops at the +aist* latest thing* lots o#
#reedom@D D-h yes*D she said* looking at me like she +as seeing the local madam #or the #irst
time* Dthose@D &hen a real sni##@ D7'm a#riad +e don't carry@@@those@D D(ell* in that case*D 7 told
her* Ddo you have any separatesBD D&hose +e carry*D she said* Dthose +e do@D And she started
going under the counter* and 7 said* D7'll Cust !ut the !ottoms o# one o# those@D She came up
#rom under the counter* adCusted her spectacles and said* D(hat did you sayBD
7 said* D7 said* '7'll !uy the !ottom o# one o# those'@D She thought #or a minute* and then she
said* +ith ice in her voice* DAnd +hat +ill +e do +ith the topsBD D(ell*D 7 said* D(hy don't
you save 'emB May!e !ottomless s+imsuits 'll !e in ne8t year@D &hen the poor s+eet thing
gave me a look 7 couldn't tell +as either a D-minus* or she +as going to send me home +ith a
letter to my mother* and she said* sort o# #ar a+ay* D7 think you need the manager@D And o##
she +alked@

&hey Shoot at (omen* Don't &heyB
#rom Designing /omen +ritten !y $inda Blood+orth-&homason
Su5anne
7t's Cust human nature@ .eople love to see !eauti#ul +omen get old or #at@ All my li#e 7've had
to #ight my +eight* and 7 admit* #ood has !een my security !lanket@ But also* 7 Cust gain
+eight more easily than some people* like you@@@:spots +oman in audience; you've al+ays had
that tiny +aist and those skinny little legs@ But 7 can't !e that* and people have al+ays tried to
make me !e that@ &he point is it's di##erent #or +omen* especially !eauti#ul +omen@ 'ust look
at Eli5a!eth &aylor@ 7 !et 7've seen ,ational /elvet may!e t+enty times* and i# she never did
anything else in her li#e* +hat a contri!ution that +as@ But all o# a sudden !ecause she got #at*
it +as like she no longer had the right to live in this country@ &hat's ho+ 7 #eel right no+@
Drugs* alcohol* cancer +hatever your pro!lems* people are sympathetic unless you're #at* and
then you're supposed to !e ashamed@ 7 mean* everything is set up to tell you thatK maga5ine
covers* clothes@ '7# you're not thin* you're not neat* and that's it@' And i# looks are all you've
ever had@@@B (ell* this is Auite a surprise@ 7 guess may!e 7 deserve this a+ard #or the .erson-
Most-Changed* !ut not #or the reason you think@ $ast night 7 got my #eelings hurt !ecause 7
came to this reunion thinking 7 +as !eauti#ul* and +hat 7 #ound out +as that 7'm #at at least
you think 7 am@ But that isn't the !iggest change in me@ &he !iggest change is that the old
Su5anne +ouldn't have sho+n up here tonight@ She +ould've Cust gotten thin !e#ore the ne8t
reunion and then she +ould have gotten even@ But 7'm a little older* and 7 hope a little +iser
than that person used to !e@ A lot o# things have happened to me@ A lot o# things have
happened to all o# us@ Sandy Smothers +as killed the night !e#ore +e graduated@ Diane
Mitchell's got t+o sets o# t+ins* and %ayland Chad+ick's +orking in the (hite "ouse@ (e
had a lot o# dreams together* and there's no point in pretendingK some o# mine came true* and
some didn't@ 7 met a little !oy #rom A#rica tonight +hose #amily died o# starvation* and 7
reali5ed that 7 spent the +hole day at home +orrying a!out the #act that 7 had too much to eat@
7'm not sure the old Su5anne +ould have appreciated the a!surdity o# that* !ut this one does@
Some o# you men +anted to kno+ a!out my !ra si5e* !ut 7'd rather talk a!out my heart
!ecause it's a little !igger than it used to !e@ &he old Su5anne +ouldn't have #orgiven you #or
the things that you said* !ut this one +ill@ Because +hen 7 look around this room tonight* 7
don't see receding hairlines and the !eginnings o# pot-!ellies and cro+'s #eet 7 Cust see all the
!eauti#ul #aces o# old girl#riends and s+eet young !oys +ho used to stand on my #ront porch
and try to kiss me goodnight@ And you can remem!er me any +ay you'd like* !ut that's ho+
7'll al+ays remem!er you@ And so 7 thank you #or giving me this a+ard #or the .erson-Most-
Changed* ho+ever you intended it@ 7'm gonna treasure it !ecause* 12 7 love trophies and 13 7
earned it@

A$EQ7S
:drama;
7 hate it +hen they all come running to me +hen they need someone to listen to them +hine@ 7
guess they Cust carelessly suspect that 7'm immune to sadness and depression@ (hat they don't
see is that 7'm Cust like them@ &o them* 7'm this pillar o# happiness that's al+ays standing up
proudly@ &o them* 7've got no trou!les in my daily li#e-- it's all Cust #lo+ers and sunshine@ &hey
don't stop to consider that may!e all this depression surrounding me gets me do+n once in a
+hile@
But* no* they've got their o+n pro!lems to deal +ith #irst@ So* they come to me@ &hey +ant to
hear me say that everything +ill !e okay in the end* and that things really aren't as !ad as they
seem to !e@ 7 need to listen to them ram!le on a!out their crushes not liking them and their
!oy#riends not spending every minute o# every hour o# every day +ith them@
May!e@@@ it's my #ault@ 7 put on this #ront like 7'm al+ays so happy and cheery* so they
naturally come to the happiest person they can #ind +ithin a mile radius@ May!e they're
hoping a little !it o# my happiness +ill !e passed onto them@ May!e they think that they'll !e
happier i# they're like me@
-h* %od@ Stop me@ 7'm going on an ego trip again@
But they +ouldn't +ant this happiness spared onto them-- i# you can even call it happiness@ 7
can !arely handle it anymore@ .eople say that 7'd make a good psychologist* and may!e
they're right@ But i# it means dealing +ith all o# this everyday* 7 don't think 7 +ould@ 7 don't
think 7 couldE 7--
7've really got to stop saying D7D so much@

."-,E C)AO4
(he &hone rings and she &i%(s u&) "elloB -h hey $isaE (hatFs upB So* are you going to the
dance this ridayB (hat* you're not goingB (hy notB (ho cares i# you don't have a dateB
4ou have 3 days till ridayE -h* hang on $isa* 7 have another call coming in@ (,ush button on
&hone) Mera here* talk to me@ Brad* heyE "o+ you doin'B (hatB 4ou like $isaE -hmigosh
this is so coolE ?h* no* 7 haven't herd #rom $isa in a +hile@ -h* uh* BradB "ang on@ ?h* 7* 7
think 7* um* smell smokeE :,ush button on &hone) $isaB EekE 4ou'll never guess +ho that
+asE BradE 4eahE "e says he likes youE &his is so a+esomeE "ang on* kayB :.ush !utton on
phone; BradB Still thereB -h the smoke@@@ uh musta !een my imagination@ Any+ays@@@ 4eah*
sure@ 7'll ask $isa i# she likes you ne8t time 7 talk to herE So* are you going to the danceB -hE
&hat +ill !e greatE ,oE 7 promise every thing you've said +ill never leave this conversationE
But hang on one secK my dog's li#ting its legE (,ush button on &hone) $isaB -hmigosh Brad
Cust said he's going to ask you to the danceE 4eah* this so cool cause Brad is a total hottieE
"old that thought@ :.ush !utton on phone; BradB -h* yeah@ &he dogE ?h* 7 pushed him
outside Cust in timeE :$augh nervously; 4eah@ But any+ays* 7'm sure she +ill de#iantly say
4ESE -h* really* that so s+eetE ?h* Brad* can you hang on #or a #e+K my last !everage is
going right through meE (,ush button on &hone) $isaB Any+ays* yeah* he says you are the
prettiest girl at schoolE @ 7 kno+ that is like sooo s+eetE -h great* someone's calling in on the
third line hang onE :.ush !utton on phone; Summers residence@ @ -h* %randmaE "o+ are you
s+eetieB @ -h that's greatE 7've !een doing #ine@ And school is going steadyE But 7'm kind o#
!usy right kno+* %randma* so can 7 call you !ack in a #e+B @ -kay* 7 love you %randmaE ByeE
(,ush button on &hone) ?h Brad 7 got ta goE See you at school tomorro+E (,ush button on
&hone) &hat +as my %randma@ But +ho caresB $ets get !ack to BradE "e is such a !a!eE 4ou
are so luck $isaE 7# he +asn't so #or you* he +ould !e the per#ect guyE -h and +hen he asks
you to the dance* act surprised cause 7 told him you +ould never kno+ a thing that +e talked
a!out@@ :%iggle; &his is so a+esomeE -hE (hat are you going to +earB May!e 7 can come
over and help you pick out the per#ect out #itE @ $isaB @ -hE (Laugh ner"ously) (ait* this is
BradE B)ADE -hmigoshE 4eah 7 don't think she suspects a thingE But don't !e surprised i#
she says 4ESE 7 uh @ @ @ 7 %otta goE (,ush button on &hone) ---..SEE

&he DivorceD
drama
1amieGs &arents are getting se&arated.@
8amieE :sits in dis!elie# a#ter hearing the ne+s her parents divorce; (hatB :pause; (hat do
you mean you're getting a divorceB ,o* :pause; no this can't !e happening to me@ :shaking her
head@; Can't the t+o o# you +ork things outB 7 mean ho+ !ad could it possi!ly !eB :!eat;
:truning to her mother ; 7t's you rightB it's your #ault it al+ays is@ 4ou're al+ays riding Daddy*
nagging him@ 7 hear you@ May!e i# you +eren't such a nag then he +ouldn't !e leaving@ :!eat;
(hy shouldn't 7* DaddyB She should kno+ the truth@ 7# she +eren't al+ays on your case then
+e +ouldn't !e having this conversationE :!eat; 7 can't !elieve you're doing this to meE :Cumps
out o# chair in anger; Do you kno+ ho+ em!arrassing this is going to !e #or me at schoolB
Everyone thinks +e're happy@ 7'm al+ays telling people ho+ in love you t+o are and ho+ 7
+ant to have that same kinda love@ :pause; (hat am 7 going to doB 7 mean reallyB 7'm going
to have to change schools@ All o# my #riends' parents are still married you kno+@ :pauses as
the enevita!le sets in and !egins to so!; .lease tell me +hat's going on* Daddy@ &ell me +hy
you're leaving@ &ell me +hat's +rong@ :&he #ather attempts to hug 'amie !ut she pulls a+ay;
,o--no don't touch me@ Don't touch meE "o+ could you do this to meB "uhB "o+ could youB
7 don't +ant you to touch me@ 7 don't +ant to !e com#orted* Dad@ (aitE :openly crying no+
and !egging; .lease don't go* Daddy@ 7 promise 7'll do !etter@ 7'll go easy on the shopping@ 7
+on't !ug you a!out the silly stu##@ 7'll do the chores +ithout tripping out@@@7'll do anything@
Mom* +hy is he leavingB :!eat; ,o--no 7 don't +ant to hear that okayB &here is no such thing
as Dmaking it +ork out #or all o# usD okay@ &here is no such thing@ Stop trying to lie to me 7'm
not a childE &his is the +orse possi!le thing that could happen and 7 +ill never@@@,E/E)
#orgive either one o# you ever againE :storms out o# the room;@

EM7$4
7 remem!er +hen 7 +as #ive* sitting in my #athers lap and holding on to my mother's hand*
listening to the church sermon@ 7 don't think a smile ever came o## o# my #ace then@ 7 +as so
happy@ (&ause) 7 +ould give anything to go !ack to +hen 7 +as #ive@ &he innocence* the pure
Coy in everything@ 7 loved everything* and people +ould love me #or Cust !eing cute@ ,o one
really cared +hat 7 did* as long as 7 stayed cute@ 7 loved it@ 7 +as cute* so every!ody loved me@
: &ause$ #emembering with a smile; 7 al+ays +ore one little spurt o# hair on the side o# my
head@ My dad called it the +hup@ (Laughing) 7 don't kno+ +hy@ 7 think !ecause it +ent*
:gesturing with her hand ; +hup@ (Laugh) (e al+ays made silly little Cokes like that@ Silly
little things to keep us laughing@ (Laugh) 7 haven't said DsillyD since* (&ause) 7 don't remem!er@
(&ause) (hen +as the last time 7 even laughedB (,ause) 7 used to laugh all o# the time@ My
dad +ould al+ays do things to make me laugh@ "e told me it +as in his DDad description@D "e
had to make me laugh or he +ould !e #ired@ So 7 laughed non-stop at every single thing he
said@ Every Dpull my #ingerD* and stupid #ace@ 7n my mind* he +as a!solutely hilarious@ 7
thought he +ould disappear i# 7 ever stopped laughing@ (&ause) and* in a +ay* it +as my +ay
to sho+ him that 7 loved him@ 7t +as my sign@ :,ause$ head down; But- !ut* 7 don't think he
understood +hat +as happening +hen 7 got older@ 7 stopped laughing* and he didn't kno+
+hy@ But he kept on trying@ "e kept on trying to make Cokes@ But Dpull my #ingerD Cust +asn't
hilarious anymore@ (&ause) 7 heard mysel# saying* D&hat's stupid*D more and more@ (&ause) "e
never sho+ed it* !ut 7 think 7 hurt him@ (ithout the constant laughing* +e had nothing
anymore@ (e almost completely stopped talking to each other@ (hat could +e sayB 7 +as a
stu!!orn teenagerK 7 couldn't make it seem that 7 +as remotely interested in anything@ :pause;
And- it really hurt him@ "e thought that he had completely lost me@ 7 guess he #elt that he had
#ailed@ "e +as #ailing on his Ddad description*D he +ould soon !e #ired* or disappear@ "e +as
losing his daughter@ "e must have !een terri#ied@ : long &ause$ thin(ing; 7- 7 never thought o#
that !e#ore@ "e must have !een terri#ied@ (&ause) 7 +as a teenager* 7 am still@@@ 7 couldn't-
:&ause$ ashamed; "e's my daddy@ (&ause) "e never #ailed@@@ 7 did@@@7'm sorry Daddy@@

"allmark "oliday
!y Emily .icha

"ere +e go again* /alentine's Day@ &he "allmark holiday* the diamond dealer's +et dream*
kitschy Ce+elry #rom upscale department stores* red tea co5ies* satin sheets :singing; &hese
are a #e+ o# my #avorite thingsE &hese are a #e+ o# my #avorite &"7,%SE :flinging &urse
against %hairs$ table) &"ESE A)E A E(--(slum&s onto %hair$ (no%( (need$ head ba%()
$ast year 7 made a pact +ith mysel# that someone +ould #ind me !e#ore the ne8t /alentine's
day@ 7 imagined that 7 +ould !e one hal# o# that couple staring into each other's eyes at the
rench restaurant@ "ell* 7 even !ought satin sheets at >6` o## the normal price@ ,o option #or
returning@ 7t +as Cust me in purgatory +ith my red sheets until he #ound me@ 7t +as taking a
+hile* #our months into the +aiting 7 decided 7 needed to lose some +eight* #reshen up my
looks@ So 7 po+er-+alked through my neigh!orhood every day* a mile* t+o miles@ -ne day 7
started even running #or part o# it until 7 cramped up so !ad that 7 +as !ent over in a gutter*
s+earing and choking on my o+n liver or something@ And that's +hen 7 thought* okay* 7've
gone my #i#ty percent* no+ he's got to come his@ So 7 +ent home and 7 Cust +ent a!out my
li#e@ Did the daily grind@ (atched a $-& o# recorded -prah* so 7 could #ast #or+ard through
the damn commercials@ 7 even got into an -prah Book Clu!@ 7 read some really good !ooks
there* and 7 met some people* !ut they +ere mostly older married +omen +ho +anted to save
their souls +ith -prah's s+eet inspiration@ %ag@ Save us* -prahE (e are all !ored out o# our
minds* -prahE 7 am su##ering #rom post child!earing pre-apocalypse an8iety disorder +ith a
dash o# .re-menopausal hot #lashes@ -h* the com!inationsE &hank %od 7'm not &"E)E yet@
7'm Cust #lailing around +aiting #or my man@ "e's out there@ 7 kno+ it@ 4ou kno+* the !ooks in
-prah's clu! usually cost 2>-36` less than their non--prah !ook clu! counterparts@ 7t's Cust
mass marketing@ 'ust like "allmark cards@ 'ust like /alentine's Day@ "mmph

Catholic Schoolgirls 13
!y Casey Kurti
E$7OABE&"
]A &our -# &he Church]

(!li7abeth is a se%ond grade student at a %atholi% s%hool. She hasbeen ele%ted to gi"e a tour
of the %hur%h to a grou& of (indergarten students.)
-kay* every!ody@ &his @@@ is church@ &his is %od's house@ 7# you ever +ant to talk to "im* you
Cust come in here and sit in one o# those long chairs and start talking@ But not too loud@ -r else
you might +ake up one o# those statues@ And they are praying to 'esus@ (.ows head) -hE 7
#orgot to tell you@ (henever you hear the name 'esus :Bo+s head; you have to !o+ your head
or else you have a sin on your soul@ ,o+* over there is the statue o# 'esus' (bows head)
mother@ "er name is the Blessed /irgin Mary@ She is not as important as 'esus (bows head) so
you don't have to !o+ your head +hen you hear her name@ -ver there is the statue o# 'esus'
(bows
head) #ather@ "ey* :points at small child; you didn't !o+ your head@ Don't do that cause you'll
get a !lack spot on your soul and you go straight to hell@ ,o+* in hell it is really hot and you
s+eat a lot@ And these little devils come and they !ite you all over the place@ But i# you're
really good* you get to go to heaven@ ,o+* in heaven they have this !ig re#rigerator #ull o# lots
o# stu## to eatE $ike ice cream* and chocolate and donuts and it never runs out@ But the !est
part a!out heaven +ould have to !e that you can talk to any!ody you +ant to@ $et's Cust say
that 7 +anted to talk to@@@ (thin(s real hard) CleopatraE (ell* then 7 +ould go up to one o# the
Saints and 7 +ould
get a permission slip and 7 +ould #ill it out@ &hen 7 +ould hand it to 'esus (bows head). "eyE
:$ooks at small child again; 4ou didn't !o+ your headE -kay* 7 +arned you@ And then* 7
+ould #ly across heaven* cause +hen you get in they give you +ings* and 7 +ould have a nice
chat +ith Cleopatra@ 7 Cust hope everyone 7 like get accepted into heaven* or else 7 +on't ever
see them again@ -ne more thing* i# you ever ask 'esus :bows head; a Auestion and he ans+ers
you* make sure you +rite do+n the ans+er really Auick* so you don't mess it up@ Because* i#
you mess up an ans+er #rom "im* it could get you in real trou!le@

.-A+
:this dramatic monologue is not #rom a play;
Most people think 7'm +eird !ecause 7 volunteer do+n at the local homeless shelter@ D(hy do
you +ant to !e around those lo+-li#esDB 7t's Cust that one day* 7 +as +alking around #eeling
really sorry #or mysel# !ecause my mother +ouldn't let me pierce my nose--everyone else +as
getting it done@ Any+ay* 7 +alked !y this +ooded area that +as really* really littered@
Suddenly* this guy sits up #rom !eneath all these card!oard !o8es@ 7'd never seen any!ody so
dirty@ Beard do+n to here@ "air do+n to here@ 7t +as his eyes though@ (hen 7 looked into
them* it +as like the +hole o# e8istence Cust disappeared@@@e8cept #or his eyes@ 7t +as like 7
+as seeing mysel#--!ut he +asn't me--!ut he +as me@ 7 Cust took o## running as #ast as 7 could@
7 didn't +ant to #eel +hat 7 +as #eeling@ inally* something made me stop@ 7 couldn't Cust do
nothing@ So* 7 !ought him a pepperoni pi55a* +ent !ack and Cust plopped it there in #ront o#
him like he +as going to !ite me or something@ "e said D&hanks* sisterD* and smiled@ 7 said
Dyou're +elcomeD* and really meant it@ &hen 7 +alked home--the long +ay@ 7 needed to think@
?p to that point* my +hole li#e +as a sham@ or the longest time 7 pretended to !e someone 7
+asn't--so other #ake people +ould accept me@ 7 #inally sa+ someone #or the #irst time@@@me@
So* that's +hy 7 +ork at the shelter@ &here* 7 #eel real@

$09/<3-D 1--9
N%umorousN
.oth Angie and 'armony are in their early teens. AngieGs going through some &hysi%al
%hanges$ inside and out$ and li(e any other good teenager$ %anGt asso%iate these %hanges with
lifeGs little obsta%les.
AngieL (hat's going on "armonyB 7 don't get it* +hy is it +hen you !ecome a teenager
everything gets so con#usingB 7 mean* +hat are they doing* spiking the make-upB 7s there
some un+ritten la+ that +hen you !ecome a teenager you move into the realm o# insanityB 7#
7 remem!er correctly* that's a!out the time everything started getting nutty@ &hink a!out
it@@@7'm supposed to +ash my #ace BE-)E 7 e8ercise to prevent !uild-up@ ,o* 7'm supposed
to +ash my #ace A&E) 7 e8ercise to prevent !reak-outs@ 7'm ,-& S?..-SED to eat
chocolate !ecause it causes pimples@ (ait* 7'm S?..-SED to eat chocolate !e#ore 7 take a
test* !ecause it's great* D!rain #ood@D 7'm S?..-SED to have lots o# #oods hat are rich in iron
to help my circulation@ "old on* no+* 7'm ,-& S?..-SED to have a lot o# iron !ecause it
prevents my !ody #rom a!sor!ing calcium properly@ (o+* i# 7 can survive !eing a con#used
teenager* 7 think 7 can pretty much survive anythingE :Change o# heart; $et's get out o# here*
7'm hungryE

-" DAD* .--) DAD* S-ME-,E' S "?,% 4-? 7, &"E C$-SE& A,D 7 EE$ S-
SAD
(ould you like to see my hus!andB "e's inside in the closet@ 7 had him stu##ed@ (onder#ul
ta8idermist 7 kno+@ "'mB (hat do you say* CommodoreB (anna peekB "e's my very #avorite
trophy@ 7 take him +ith me +herever 7 go@
$i#e* my dear Commodore* is never #unny@ 7t's grimE 7t's there every morning !reathing in
your #ace the moment you open your red !aggy eyes@ $i#e* Mr@ )osea!ove* is a hus!and
hanging #rom a hook in the closet@ -pen the door too Auickly and your +hole day's shot to
hell@ But open the door Cust a little +ays* sneak your hand in* pull out your dress and your day
is made@ 4et he's still there and +aiting--and sooner or later the moth!alls are gone and you
have to clean house@ -h* it's a !ad day* Commodore* +hen you have to stare $i#e in the #ace*
and you #ind he doesn't smile at allL Cust hangs there--+ith his tongue sticking out@ 7 hope you
#ind this #unny@ 7 +as hoping it +ould give you a laugh@ (hy must +e only respect the deadB
(hy not the living* tooB 7 killed him* o# course@ ChampagneB &o your continued good health@
Ah* the +alt5* monsieur@ $isten@ &he +alt5@ &he Dance o# $overs@ Beauti#ul* don't you thinkB
,o+ you don't really +ant to leave--do you* CommodoreB A#ter all* the night is still so
young--and you haven't even seen my hus!and yet@ Besides* there's a little story 7 still must
tell you@ A !edtime story@ A #airy tale #ull o# handsome princes and enchanted maidensK #ull o#
love and Coy and musicK tenderness and charm@ 7t's my very #avorite story* you see@ And 7
never leave a place +ithout telling it to at least one person@ So please* commodore* +on't you
stayB@@@%ood@ 7 kne+ you'd see it my +ay@ 7t +ould have !een such a shame i# you'd had to
leave@ or you see* Commodore* +e are* in a +ay* united@ (e share something in common--
you and 7@ (e share desire@ or you desire me* +ith love in your heart@ (hile 7* my dear
Commodore* desire your heart@

Sisterhood o# the &raveling .ants
Screenplay !yL Delia Ephron
'ello? Dad* itFs Carmen@ 7 Cust@@@ 7 +ant@@@ ,o* Dad* you don't kno+@ &hat's Cust it* you've
never kno+n@@@ !ecause 7've never !een a!le to tell you@
&hat 7'm angry +ith you* Dad@ &his entire thing@ A!out you* and $ydia and the kids@ 4eah*
you should've +arned me* !ut it's more than that@
7t's the #act that you've #ound yoursel# this ne+ #amily@@@ and 7 #eel like some outsider +ho
doesn't even !elong to you anymore@
7t's like you traded me and Mom in #or something that you thought +as !etter@@@and 7 +anna
kno+ +hy@ Are you ashamed o# meB Are
you em!arrassedB 'ust tell me* Dad* +hat did 7 do +rongB (hy did you leaveB (hy did you
have to goB And then tell me that +e
+ere gonna !e closerB But that never happened@ Dad* +hy does .aul visit his alcoholic dad
every month@@@!ut you only visit me
t+ice a yearB And 7 kno+@@@ 4ou Cust seem so happy a!out !eing .aul and Krista's dad@@@ !ut
you never even had the time to !e mine@
7 +ish sorry +ere enough* Dad@
(rong and )eady
!y %reta Oehner

-h* my gosh@ 7 think 7've Cust come up +ith the !est theory@ &eenage li#e sucks@ &hat's it@ 7
mean* once you hit 29* your li#e Cust goes :rocket;@ All the adults are like D7 loved !eing a
teenagerED "a* sure@ (ell* 7'm sorry !ut this isn't DSunshine R6'sD anymore@ &hey're Cust trying
to make us #eel !etter@ And the little kids are like D7 can't +ait to !e a teenagerE 7t +ould !e so
#un much to !e olderED "aha* no you don't@ ,o* you really don't@
-kay* #irst o# all* you're in Middle School +hen it all starts to happen@ or some +eird reason*
it seems like +hen you're a teenager* all your #riends start to turn on you@ 7 mean* at #irst
they're like D"ey* !est #riendED and you kno+* you do the regular things like hang out and
stu##@ And then once you leave* they go around gossiping D-h* my gosh* did you kno+ that
%retchen made out +ith 'ustin at movies@@@ oh yeah* it +as de#initely tongue*D :+hat
e8pression; 7 don't even kno+ a 'ustinE &hen* there's pu!erty@ Actually* 7'm not even gonna
get into that@ And then there's high school* the !lack-hole o# all teenage li#e@ -nce you get
there* everything starts to #all apart@ irst* everyone e8pects you to !e this pencil thin stick or
you're considered D#atD* !ut +hen you are that thin* they Cust go spreading around that your
anore8icE And all through high school* it's
nothing !ut college this or college that* and the college-councilors are not much help a!out it@
&hey're like D4ou #ailE 4ou loseE 4ou #ail at li#eE 4ou !etter memori5e the phrase '4ou +ant
#ries +ith thatB'E %rrrE 7 hate themE 7 +ish they'd dieEEEE :Sigh; (here +as 7B -h yeah* li#e
sucking@ 4ou kno+ +hat* 7'm tired o# complaining@ So* 7 Cust say t+o things to sayL Adults*
you're +rong* and kids* get ready@
,?&S
!y &om &opor
(hen 7 +as a little girl* 7 used to say to her* 7 love you to the moon and do+n again* and
around the +orld and !ack againK and she used to say to me* 7 love you to the sun and do+n
again* and around the stars and !ack again@ Do you remem!er* MamaB And 7 used to think*
+o+* 7 love Mama and Mama loves me* and +hat can go +rongB (hat +ent +rong* MamaB 7
love you and you love me* and +hat +ent +rongB 4ou see* 7 kno+ she loves me* and 7 kno+ 7
love her* and- so +hatB So +hatB She's over there* and 7'm over here* and she hates me
!ecause o# things 7've done to her* and 7 hate her !ecause o# things she's done to me@ 4ou
stand up there asking* do you love you daughter* and they say DyesD* and you think you've
asked something real* and they think they've said something real@ 4ou think !ecause you
thro+ the +ord love around like a #ris!ee that +e're all going to get +arm and runny@ ,o@
Something happens to some people@ &hey love you so much* they stop noticing you're there*
!ecause they're so !usy loving you@ &hey love you so much* their love is a gun* and they #ire
it straight into your head@ &hey love you so much you go right into the hospital@ 4es* 7 kno+
my mother loves me@ Mama* 7 kno+ you love me@ And 7 kno+ the one thing you learn +hen
you gro+ up is that love is not enough@ 7t's too much* and it's not enough@

-" DAD* .--) DAD* S-ME-,E'S "?,% 4-? 7, &"E C$-SE& A,D 7 EE$ S-
SAD
(ould you like to see my hus!andB "e's inside in the closet@ 7 had him stu##ed@ (onder#ul
ta8idermist 7 kno+@ "'mB (hat do you say* CommodoreB (anna peekB "e's my very #avorite
trophy@ 7 take him +ith me +herever 7 go@
$i#e* my dear Commodore* is never #unny@ 7t's grimE 7t's there every morning !reathing in
your #ace the moment you open your red !aggy eyes@ $i#e* Mr@ )osea!ove* is a hus!and
hanging #rom a hook in the closet@ -pen the door too Auickly and your +hole day's shot to
hell@ But open the door Cust a little +ays* sneak your hand in* pull out your dress and your day
is made@ 4et he's still there and +aiting--and sooner or later the moth!alls are gone and you
have to clean house@ -h* it's a !ad day* Commodore* +hen you have to stare $i#e in the #ace*
and you #ind he doesn't smile at allL Cust hangs there--+ith his tongue sticking out@ 7 hope you
#ind this #unny@ 7 +as hoping it +ould give you a laugh@ (hy must +e only respect the deadB
(hy not the living* tooB 7 killed him* o# course@ ChampagneB &o your continued good health@
Ah* the +alt5* monsieur@ $isten@ &he +alt5@ &he Dance o# $overs@ Beauti#ul* don't you thinkB
,o+ you don't really +ant to leave--do you* CommodoreB A#ter all* the night is still so
young--and you haven't even seen my hus!and yet@ Besides* there's a little story 7 still must
tell you@ A !edtime story@ A #airy tale #ull o# handsome princes and enchanted maidensK #ull o#
love and Coy and musicK tenderness and charm@ 7t's my very #avorite story* you see@ And 7
never leave a place +ithout telling it to at least one person@ So please* commodore* +on't you
stayB@@@%ood@ 7 kne+ you'd see it my +ay@ 7t +ould have !een such a shame i# you'd had to
leave@ or you see* Commodore* +e are* in a +ay* united@ (e share something in common--
you and 7@ (e share desire@ or you desire me* +ith love in your heart@ (hile 7* my dear
Commodore* desire your heart@

B?&&E)$7ES A)E )EE
7 can't talk a!out him@ ,o* 7 +ill talk a!out him@ Every once in a +hile it's good to do
something you don't +ant to do* it cleanses the insides@ "e +as terri!ly s+eet* and groovy
looking* !ut kind o# adolescent* ya kno+ +hat 7 meanB %irls mature #aster than !oys* !oys are
neater* !ut girls mature #aster@ (hen +e met* it +as like #ire+orksE 7t +as a marvelous kind o#
passion that made every day seem like the =th o# 'ulyE Any+ays@@ the ne8t thing 7 kno+* there
+e are* standing in #ront o# the 'ustice o# the .eace* getting marriedEB 7ts only !een like t+o
or three months and +e're getting marriedBE 7'm not even out o# high schoolE 7've got t+o !ig
e8ams tomorro+ and they +ere on my mind too@@ and then 7 hear the +ords* DDo you 'ack*
take 'ill* to !e your la+#ul +edded +i#eBD ?%"EEE Can you imagine going through li#e as
D'ack and 'illD BE &hen 7 hear* D?ntil death do us part@D And all o# the sudden* its not even a
+edding anymore* more like a #uneral serviceE And there 7 am !eing !uried aliveE@@@ ?nder
'ack BensonE 7 +anted to scream* go running out into the nightE But 7 couldn't@@ 7t +as 26
o'clock in the morning and +ell* you can't go running out into 26 o'clock in the morning@ So
instead* 7 passed out@ 7# only 7'd #ainted* !e#ore 7 said D7 do@D

&"E 7)S& DA4
!y Mary Krell--ishi
8ust breathe. ;eally$ it isn<t that hard. ' do it e/eryday. 8ust in and out. (s+he
breathes deeply, reali,es it is loud, looks )uickly around) +h$ good grief% 's e/eryone
listening to me breathe (S+he scans the room) Settle yourself. 't<s only school. '</e been
going to school since ' was a kid. ' was a big deal in elementary school. ,opular%
5/erybody lo/ed me. (s+he smiles at someone across the room who has clearly looked
away.) #hat<s his problem (glances at reflection in the window) 0 :it% !e saw that :it on
my nose% '</e ne/er had a :it before in my life. 't was only a small bump last night. 2ow
look at it. The first day of school and my nose precedes me into the building by a foot
because of this :it. 5/eryone is looking at me. '<ll be known as the !uman Bit for the rest of
my school career. ' should just go find my first class and hide out with the teacher. Those
will probably be my new best friends. Teachers. #here<s my schedule ' put it
somewhere. (panic begins to set in) #hat if ' can<t find it #hat do ' do 0sk someone
#ho ' don<t see anyone ' know. This school is so big. ' hate this school. ' want to go back
to si(th grade. ' knew who ' was there. !ere '<ll be the big loser who can<t find my class and
hangs out with teachers. The !uman Bit &oser who eats lunch in the library. 0lone. There<s
got to be somebody here ' know=(-ecogni,es a friendly face, calls out) -hris !ey% +/er
here. -hris% @eah$ 1iddle School% Totally ready. !ey$ meet me for lunch @eah -ool.
(waves goodbye) -ool. (confidence begins to build) 2ow$ where<s my first period class
(heads off to find the new world)

Conspiracy &heory
,ever ride +ith a stranger@ %ood@ (hy shouldn't you ride +ith a strangerB 'ulieB /ery
good* he might not !e such a nice guy@ A stranger might o##er you candy@@@ But then take you
and put you in a !o8 #ull o# snakes@@@ 4ou Cust never kno+@ ,o+ the second thingL Al+ays
+ear your seat!elt@ ,o+ +hy do +e al+ays +ant to +ear our seat!eltsB MikeyB )ight@@@ 7#
you are in a car accident you could get hurt@ 4ou might go through the +indshield and get run
over !y an ice cream truck@ 4ou Cust never kno+@ ,o+ this is the last and most important
thing to remem!er@ &he governments o# the +orld are involved in a multinational conspiracy
+ith an alien race #rom the planet OeonK the ultimate goal o# this alliance !eing the total
domination and conversion o# every man* +oman* and child on this planet into hosts #or a
#uture alien race that +ill use all mankind like cattle #or #ood@ ,o+ are there any AuestionsB
SarahB (hat is a multinational conspiracyB (ell that's +hen all the governments o# the
+orld get together to keep secrets #rom the people@ &he aliens are already among us@@@
)emem!er ho+ Miss %rahm* your principal* told you that little 'ohnny (hite had to move
a+ayB Miss %rahm is part o# the conspiracy@ (hat really happened is that the aliens took
over 'ohnny's Mommy and DaddyK they in turn changed into alien monsters +ith huge teeth
and giant cla+s@ &he Mommy monster alien +as under the !ed and the Daddy monster +as in
the closet@ $ittle 'ohnny didn't even kno+ +hat hit him@ &he monsters came out and started
to tear that little !oy to shreds@ "e screamed and screamed@@@ A#ter they +ere done* they
made a milkshake +ith his !rain@ ,o+ are there any more AuestionsB -h don't cry@ MikeyB
4ou're going to tell on meB &o +hoB Miss %rahamB She's part o# the conspiracy@ She's an
alien dressed up to look like a principal@ %o ahead and tell her@@@ 7 +ouldn't +ant to !e in a
room alone +ith her@ She might suck your !rain right out your ear@ ,o+@@@ 4ou +ouldn't
+ant that +ould youB Any other AuestionsB /ery good@ &hat +as e8cellent #or #irst gradersE
-kay* no+ tomorro+ +e are going to talk a!out the letter DAD* ho+ to +ash your hands
correctly* and ho+ to make a tin#oil hat that +ill keep the alien species #rom reading your
mind@ "ave a good a#ternoon children and don't #orget +hat +e talked a!out todayE

&he DriverFs &est is a .iece o# Cake
My !rother said thereFs nothing to itK the driverFs test is a piece o# cake@ &hatFs easy
#or him to say@ "e got his license three years ago@ 7 didnFt e8pect to !e Auite this nervous@ 7
took DriverFs &rainingK 7 even got an A@ 7 studied the manual and passed the +ritten test and
got my permit@ 7Fve !een creating reasons to drive #or si8 months* to get lots o# practice@ So
+hy should 7 !e nervous* Cust !ecause 7Fm going to take the driving testB 7# 7 #lunk it* 7 can
al+ays take it over@ -h* $ord* i# 7 #lunk it* 7Fll die@ Everyone kno+s 7Fm taking the test
today@ 7 donFt think 7 could stand it i# 7 #lunked@ 7 Cust hope 7 donFt thro+ up in the middle o#
it@ 7 shouldnFt have eaten anything #or !reak#ast@ 7# 7 get sick in the middle o# the driving test*
7Fll #lunk #or sure@ "ere comes the e8aminer@ (hat a mean-looking man@ "e +onFt even
smile at me@ 7Fll !et he marks me do+n #or every little thing@ "e pro!a!ly has a preCudice
against teenage drivers@ (ell* here goes@ Start the engine@ (hat i# it doesnFt startB (hat i# 7
#lood itB 7Fll #ail the test !e#ore 7 even get out o# the parking lot@ &here@ &here* it
started@ All right no+@ $ook in the mirror !e#ore 7 !ack up@ Shi#t into #or+ard@ &urn on the
signal@ (hy is he looking at me like thatB Did 7 do something +rong alreadyB (hat is he
+riting on that paperB 7 am going to thro+ upK 7 can #eel it coming@ -h* good* a !reak in the
tra##ic@ 7 can #inally go@ All right@ 7t shouldnFt !e too !ad no+* Cust driving do+n the street@
Around the !lock@ Signal* look !oth +ays* turn into the !ack side o# the parking lot@ -h* noE
7 have to parallel park !et+een those t+o red markers@ But theyFre so short@ (hen 7 practiced
parallel parking* it +as !et+een t+o cars@ 4ou can see carsK you canFt see those little
markers@ 7 +onder i# heFd let me skip this part i# 7 s+ear that #or the rest o# my li#e 7Fll drive
around until 7 #ind a parking place on the corner@ .ro!a!ly not@ .ro!a!ly* heFd sayGoh*
$ord* 7 hit one o# the markers@ -h* 7 +ish 7 could die@ ,o+ 7 have to start all over again@ 7 hit
it !ut 7 didnFt knock it over* so 7 get a second chance@ Around the !lock* signal* look !oth
+ays* stay in the proper lane@ 7Fm s+eating@ 7 can #eel it running do+n my arms@ 7Fm going
to ruin my good s+eater Cust !ecause o# those stupid red markers@ &hereE 7 did itE 7 parked
and 7 didnFt hit either one o# them@ 7 got out o# the space +ithout hitting them* too@ Back to
the starting gate and stop the engine@ &hatFs it@ My driverFs test is over@ "eFs handing me the
paper@ Eighty-#our@ 7 got eighty-#ourE 7 passedE 7 get my license@ (ell* that +asnFt so !ad*
a#ter all@ 7Fll tell my #riends that my !rother +as right@ &aking the driverFs test is nothing@ A
piece o# cake@