From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff

America has long struggled to find a diet that allows one to eat
pounds of bacon and barbeque potato chips while at the same
time avoiding any physical exertion more strenuous than wobbling
from couch to bathroom to car.
This epic search has proved to be mostly fruitless, unless you
consider Hostess Cherry Pies to be fruit. But, thankfully, there
are a number of programs and pills and praying techniques out
there that give it a shot, and in this special issue of You Idiot,
well take a long, hard investigative look at them.
There are a number of questions to consider when choosing a diet program
what is the amount of exercise the participant should get each day? How many
calories are allowed? How many carbs? Will I be able to lose 40 pounds while
remaining sedentary and continuing the consumption of fudge? While these are
all important things to ponder, people in the diet business long ago realized that
the last one is the most relevant question, and have gone to work attempting to
answer it.
And, given that the most successful way to lose weight (Im no expert, but
its probably something like: exercise, eat healthy food in reasonable portions, and
keep the calorie and fat intake down) does not answer this particular question in a
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
satisfactory manner, people trying to make money in the eld tend to get creative.
I mean, if my goal was to sell books, I would feel less condent releasing the
Broccoli and Pushups Diet than I would the Florida Keys Mayonnaise and Car-
Driving Diet. So, since there are enough people out there who both desire money
and giggle at the concept of ethics, we witness a ood of programs that are more
than willing to pitch outright lies and scams to the populace, promising impossible
weight loss schemes under the guise of not having to change ones food intake or
exercise level.
Still, even if we can pinpoint why these plans spring up in the rst place,
we have to tackle the question of why do they work? How on earth can some of
these operations make money? My only guess is that it might come down to the
deeply American desire to Believe, to Believe in the ugly face of logic. Man in suit
promises something? Sounds good! If I wish really hard Ill lose weight and have
my dreams come true? Right on!
Or, maybe not. Tere might be some completely dierent explanation for
why the industry thrives. Perhaps people are just really, really lazy. To nd out, lets
take a look at some of these fantastical, magical diet programs!
Do Nothing!
Te punk band DOA once released an album entitled Tought Minus Action
Equals Zero. Te title, presumably, was saying that you need to back up your
ideas with action, lest they be merely academic and, in the grand scheme of things,
irrelevant. Saying doing X and X and X will help end poverty is all well and
good, but if you dont actually act upon X, X, and X, or at least inspire
someone else to act upon them, nothing will change. Your
eective contribution is, well, Zero.
Lame, huh? But wait! Teres another way in which
we can view DOAs equation. If X minus Y equals 0, then
X = Y. Put another way, if Joes Height Minus Bills Height
equals zero, then Joe and Bill are the same height. Terefore,
if the equation is viewed this way, Tought and Action are
eectively the same thing.
Tis is (I assume) the exact opposite of what DOA
meant, but I think its a world view that is probably more popular than their
intended do something! If people are lead to believe that the same end result can
be achieved by either putting forth eort, or not putting forth eort and merely
thinking about eort, Im condent a sizable majority would choose the latter and
go watch television.
Author Debbie Johnson realizes this as well, and she puts the theory to use
in her remarkably interesting self-help book, How to Tink Yourself Tin: Te
No-Diet, No-Will-Power Key to Success in Body Shaping, a 55 page manifesto
that dispenses entirely with pesky notions like exercise and eat less food that
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
annoyingly clutter the pages of most diet books.
Lets look at an excerpt:
Te subconscious is an extremely powerful a vehicle [sic] within us which can
easily control the bodys weight Your subconscious mind believes everything you
think, say, and feel! You can lie to it all day long and it will believe you anything
you tell it. Its very gullible. Te good news is, you can use this to your advantage.
Tell it you are thin and beautiful!
Amazing! Take that, stupid brain! And how did Johnson stumble across this
magical power? Well, afer declaring No more diets, she then
woke up one day realizing I could think myself thin. Afer all, I had thought
myself better jobs, better places to live, new furniture, and a great new car, why
not a new body, too? I walked over to the mirror, looked into it and said, You
look great. Not only do you look great, you look a little thinner today! An do you
know what? I actually started feeling thinner in that very moment.
Johnsons faith in her new delusion-based dietary system strengthened as
the days passed, and she was emboldened when visiting a doctor a few days later,
almost telling the nurse to go take a hike when they tried to weigh her. When
the nurse then had the nerve to tell her she could stand to lose a few pounds,
Johnson dismissed the advice immediately. In whose book? she scoed. I was
enjoying life, eating whatever I pleased. I knew that if I just kept my imagination
focused on the goal, with a sure condence, Id be there before I knew it!
Interesting stu. I mean, itd be one thing if Johnson declared, You know
what? I feel good about how I look and I like eating what I want to eat, so I
will. Tat would make sense, and be a completely reasonable decision to make.
However, she clearly is saying in her book that thinking yourself thin doesnt make
you just Feel thinner in some abstract way, but that you actually will get thinner.
And, furthermore, that while doing all of this Tinking you are free to consume
whatever you want in whatever quantities you desire.
Tis is, obviously, a bit bolder of a claim. In fact, its a little, whats the phrase
fucking insaneso you naturally might be thinking that there has to be a foods
to avoid section somewhere later in Johnsons novel, a faint ode to moderation
that reels in the excesses the opening of the book seems to allow. I mean, no
responsible diet book would actually say you can eat whatever you want in any
portions you choose, right? Wrong! Tere is no such thing as illegal or o limits
food with this plan, explains Johnson. Have you ever noticed that the word diet
has the word die in it? Hey... shes right!
And this is basically why How to Tink Yourself Tin works so wellit
peddles not in the tired language of calories or food that annoyingly clutter
the majority of such books, instead relating to the reader how you should feed
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
yourself positive images and other similarly vague, feel-good advice. Johnson
rarely if ever delves into specics, a writing style that gives a massive green light
to absurd levels of gluttony. Want to eat four Monster Tickburgers and a stick of
butter for breakfast? Go ahead, as long as you employ a Positive Tought such as
Everything I eat, every bite I take turns to pure energy and burns right o! as
you choke them down. Want to eat two gallons of fudge ice cream for a pre-lunch
snack, and then lay on the couch watching Supermarket Sweep? No problemjust
remember to think something along the lines of I feel like I am exercising
during the commercial breaks.
Dont get too excited though. We need to be clear its not just thinking
thats involved here, of course. Tat would be too simple. You have to do more.
For example, Johnson recommends you record yourself on tape saying, You can
eat whatever you want and still get slimmer every day... Youre burning fat right
this moment as you listen to this, and then listen to that tape every day! Sure, its
more work than just thinking, but itll be worth it as the pounds melt away like
unnecessary brain cells.
Teres a myriad of other weight-losing techniques scattered throughout this
lovable book. For example:
--Sing the word HU a few times. Sing it in a long drawn out breath, like this,
HUUUUUUUUUU. Tere you go. All of nature makes this sound, Johnson
explains. Its a word that has been sung for eons by most every culture or religion
in some way. I can picture it now: a caveman feasting on bison and then laying
down on a rock, gently singing HUUUU and instantly feeling thinner.
--Or how about this charming parental/dietary advice: When your child goes
to bed at night, say, Brian, when you wake up in the morning, you will be even
slimmer, stronger, and more handsome than you were today! You are giving your
children a vital lesson in how to make life work. Awwww! Cmon Debbie, youre
selling yourself short! I think thats two life lessonsfeel insecure about your
weight, and get rid of it by dreaming!
Although Johnson does at one point oer the meek caveat of check with a
doctor rst, I would imagine that anyone dumb or delusional enough to follow
her program to its allowable excesses would end up chowing their way straight
towards morbid obesity, heart attacks, and a whole slew of other health ailments.
Viewed in that light, her advice is reckless. Imagine if I passed around a pamphlet
with the following advice:
Has this happened to you? Youre slouched at a bar, downing your 8
th
whiskey
water when the thought suddenly pushes itself to the font of your mind: Ive got
to drive home! You decline your 9
th
drink and head for the door, missing out on
the upcoming lunch specials and hours of booze-y entertainment! Well let me
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
tell you: it doesnt have to be that way. THINK YOURSELF SOBER! Keep
on drinking whatever you want, whenever you want, and when its time to get
behind a wheel or in font of a judge, just imagine being sober and IT WILL BE
SO!
Id be dismissed and denounced in a heartbeat. Sure, drunk driving can, unlike
overeating, fuck up other people, but the basic point remains the same: the advice
is absurd and would quite obviously be detrimental to anyone stupid enough to
follow it. And yet there must be a lot of stupid people out there, as Johnson boasts
of selling thousands of copies.
How to Tink Yourself Tin is only 55 pages long, but thats still about
54.75 pages longer than is needed to get across its philosophy. Its dicult to get
through. Very, very dicult.
Tis book sucks, I groaned halfway through, unsure if I could wade through
another 30 pages of asinine psychobabble. But then the solution hit me.
Im reading a great book right now, I thought, utilizing my subconscious
and relaxing myself into a higher self. It is very interesting, well-reasoned, and
logical! Im watching the typos and absurd concepts disappear before my eyes! I
read another page. Now I am drifing into an alpha state, I continued and my
subconscious is free to accept new positive images! Such as, a dierent book!
Another page passed and I began to get desperate. Ok, its not getting any better,
but I dont need to actually read this book afer all! Books are just roadblocks
in the path to soul-empowerment! Afer all, have you ever noticed that the word
book has the word boo! in it? I will toss it aside and instead feel the book,
imagining what the last 30 pages might contain! Te wisdom will meld with my
imagination and allow me to absorb the rest of the words without actually doing
anything!
Tere. Tats much better.
The Slim Slippers
Te problem that arises with Johnsons diet can be summed up with the immortal
words once uttered by a coworker of mine: Tinking sucks. I mean, reallytime
is precious, and its moronic to waste it doing the tedious stu Johnson advises.
Like thinking. Please! Teres got to be an easier way.
Indeed there isyou can lose weight by wearing slippers! Unlike thinking, its
something you can do with no eort, so why not atten that spare tire while youre
at it?
Te product that can pull this o for you is the Get Slim Slippers. Just wear
the slippers for up to 2.5 hours a day, and voila! You Get Slim. And no, you dont
need to run in them, or do jumping jacks in them, or any of that nonsensethey
just need to be on your feet. Hello, sitting on a couch!
Te other cool thing about the slim slippers is that they dont just make you
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
lose weight. Tey also boost energy, help posture,
and generally uplif ones spirit... In addition, theres a
possibility that hemorrhoids will disappear. How can
a simple pair of slippers do so many things? Well, they
use the power of magnetization. Tats how.
If we subscribe to this sunny line of reasoning (and
really, why wouldnt we?) we are lef with an inevitable
conclusion: magnets are fuckin awesome! I always
knew they were good for putting fragments of poetry
on refrigerators, but they evidently have further uses.
Curious to get a better grip on these amazing
magnets, I red o the following letter to the Get Slim
Slippers company:
Subject: Want to buy get slim slippers but have
question
Hi there! Im thinking about buying a pair or two of
Slim Slippers, but I had a quick question about them
that I was hoping you could answer.
You see, I am a recovering alcoholic and I am currently on the Glove Love
program. Basically, I wear a pair of gloves with magnets on the tips of the ngers,
and the magnetism allows me to not want to drink any alcohol. So heres my
question: if I wear Gloves Loves on my hands, and Slim Slippers on my feet, do
I need to worry about the competing magnetism waves crossing paths in my body
and causing unintended side eects? Because I noticed on your webpage that Te
Magnets in the slippers stimulate circulation and Reexology points, and Im
just wondering if theyre going to conict with the Glove Love magnets while
theyre stimulating the circulation and so forth.
If you could get back to me, that would be super! Im really looking to buy, but I
want to make sure Ill be safe rst!
Yours,
Alfed Abelson
I got the following reply a few hours later:
Alfed,
Interesting Gloves!
Im not a magnet expert, but it seems that both of the magnet products are
Above: helpful diagram from the
Slim Slippers website. The number
13, for example, corresponds to
the spleen. So, if your spleen is
bleeding (or whatever), try rub-
bing a magnet on that spot before
wasting time with a hospital.
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
encouraging healthy improvement. With the Get Slim Slippers you only wear
them up to 2.5 hours per day. Tis is to give the body a chance to integrate and
balance itself.
My rst thought is that there should not be any interrence (sic) with the glove
product, however; you may order the non-magnetic get slim slippers if you have
any doubts.
Tank you for your questions,
Cheri
It was a bit disconcerting to discover that the spokesperson for a magnet-based
product was not a magnet expert, and furthermore that their product, which
derived its power from magnets, also had a non magnet version. I mean, how
does that even work? Nevertheless, I had no reason to doubt Cheri. Slim Slippers
sounded like the real deal. Afer all, the word Slim was right there in the name. I
mean, cmon.
Rings, Baths, and Couches
But lets be honest: for all of their undeniable powers, the Slim Slippers do look
a little uncomfortable. Sure, Im shedding pounds, the average wearer probably
thinks, but these are killing my ankles! Teres got to be an
easier way!
Of course there is: the Fat-Be-Gone Ring, which can have
the same eect as jogging up to six miles a day, according to
the manufacturer. Tat means if you jog six miles while wearing
the Fat-Be-Gone Ring, youre actually getting twelve in. Pretty
slick, eh?
Its not quite that simple though; you need to understand
how to correctly use your Fat-Be-Gone ring, lest you
inadvertently slim down the wrong part of your body. You
see, as everyone learns on the rst day of medical school, each
nger corresponds to a dierent part of the body. If you want
to slim down your thighs, put it on your pinky nger. Need
help with your face? Slip the ring on your thumb. Sick of all the
ab on your arms? Tats right, that calls for the middle nger.
But I dont want to wear a ring, you whine in that nasally
whine of yours. I dont like wearing rings, and I dont feel like I should have to
change my routine in order to lose weight!
Well, assuming you bathe yourself, there is indeed an easier way that doesnt
require the use of rings. Tats rightthe Cal-A-Mo Reducing Bath! Its an
amazing system that allows users to safely bathe o as much as 2 to 5 pounds
Above: man wearing a
ring. If he was wearing
a Fat-Be-Gone ring, he
would need to rotate
the finger the ring was
on in order to lose
weight in more than
one spot.
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
or more excess fat with one bath. You wanna lose 20 pounds? Wake up early,
and take 10 baths! All the excess fat and skin you will likely be shedding o will
presumably roll right down the drain.
Ok, to anticipate your next questionno, there is not a Cal-A-Mo Reducing
Shower, so for those of you who despise baths, and the sensation of soaking in your
own lth that comes with them, youre outta luck. Tus, the question remains: is
there way to lose weight via something you do everyday anyway? Something you
actually want to do everyday, i.e., not wearing goofy slippers or bathing or
thinking? Something like. sitting on a couch?
Yes! Say hello to the Magic Couch! Its the perfect idea, and any company
that uses words like magic is most certainly being straight with you. All you
have to do is lay down on the couch (which oscillates like magic) in order to get
in some eortless exercisewithout work or strain. Both the FTC and the US
9
th
Circuit Court of Appeals had major issues with this magical couch, but thats
probably just because theyre bitter party poopers who cant aord couches.
Now, if you wanted to really shed the pounds, you could wrap a Magical
Garment on your head while laying comatose on the Magic Couch, occasionally
uttering ever so slightly to wrest a chicken wing from a bucket on the oor. And
if you drif o on the Magic Couch, pop a few Dream Away Pills before doing so
to really lay waste to that waist line of yours. Although they also were indicted by
the FTC, the Dream Away Pills seem like a safe bet. You just sleep, and then wake
up thinner!
Dont Wake Me Up; Im Losing Weight
Te Dream Away Pills were not alone in their claims, and its easy to see why
losing weight while you sleep has an irresistible charm. Not only do you not have
to change your routine, you dont even have to think about it. Everybody sleeps
anyway except for insomniacs and amphetamine enthusiasts, and those people are
already rail-thin.
So what exactly do you do to unleash this powerful duo of sleeping and
slimming? Well, if youre going to try the popular Lose and Snooze program you
just slam a good tasting liquid (yum!) before going to bed. Make sure you dont
eat for three hours before doing so. And thats it!
Amazingly simple. But, as the manufacturer admits, Lose and Snooze might
not show results immediately. Why? Well:
the Lose And Snooze product has a tendency to be rst utilized by your body
where it is needed MOST - perhaps to help repair a previously injured joint or
tendon, or to help restore the strength and elasticity of the walls of your arteries or
veins, or to help make other kinds of internal repairs which are not visible to you
on the outside.
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
Basically, dont sweat it if the pounds are being stubbornits probably
because the L&S magic is busy strengthening the support structure of vital
organs rst. Ok, Im actually gaining weight, youll say, but that must mean my
busted liver is getting repaired! Pass me a beer, bro! And thats not all Lose and
Snooze can do, eitheryou can also give it to your favorite pet who could use
some improvement in the condition of their skin, hair or fur, or toenails or claws
or hooves. Pound-shedder, vital-organ-strengthener and animal-hoof-improver,
all in one? What a steal!
The Life and Times
of a Sleep n Slim Independent Agent
As magnicent as it may sound, Lose and Snooze does not have the shed pounds
while snoring and drooling market cornered. Far from it, in fact. Dont forget
about a little something called. Sleep N Slim!
Its basically the same idea: go to bed, somehow lose weight, wake up. But the
one important advantage Sleep N Slim seems to hold over their competitors is
that they oer the average joe a chance to sell their products on a commissioned
basis. Te other companies in the industry want to hoard the prots to themselves,
but Sleep N Slim realizes that having an army of unregulated salespeople working
on your behalf is a surere way to seize market share. It makes perfect sense... you
combine a sketchy product, the worst aspects of capitalism run amok, and a pool
of people willing to discard notions of morality in favor of notions of moolah, and
youve got yourself a recipe for record prots.
Wanting in on this chaotic action, I decided to become an Independent
Agent (or IA) for Sleep N Slim Euro. Teir Reseller Program sounded easy
enough:
Earn an eortless 7 to 35 commission on every order that comes through your
FREE Sleep n Slim website!
Alright-- eortless! Cant beat that. Here then, is a record of my life as a Sleep
n Slim Independent Agent.
Day One
Filled out the Sleep n Slim Aliate Application:
Name: Alfred Abelson
Pay Commissions to: Alfred Abelson
Company Name: Alfreds Magical Pill Bunker
Website name first choice: AlfredsMagicalPillBunker.com
Website name second choice: MassacreAwaythePounds.com
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
Stared at empty wallet. Waited.
Day Two
No response yet. Were the domain names taken? Did they object to words like
bunker and massacre being associated with their product? Were they sitting
in a European jail for selling bottles of speed cut with laundry detergent over the
internet? Tere was no way to know.
Day Three
Still no answer back from the corporate honchos, or cocaine addict on a public
library computer, or whatever it was. Well fuck this, I thought. I can make my
own awesome diet plan. And, you know what, screw pills you can choke on pills.
Oils are the way to go you just rub them on and go on with life. Accordingly, I
concocted an ad:
Ever notice? Snakes are skinny! Super skinny! Know why? Its because their bodies
produce a magnet-containing oil that magically disintegrates any calories they
consume. Luckily for us, they secrete this oil, and weve bottled it! Simply rub a few
drops of Snake Oil onto your face each morning, eat whatever you want, and watch in
amazement as the pounds literally shed awaylike a snake!
Not bad. Or I could keep it simple and sell the premise rather than the product:
Would you like to get complete strangers to send you ten dollars for a bottle of sugar
pills? Find out how by sending ten dollars to the address below! Well even throw in a
fee bottle of sugar pills!
Ahh, who am I kidding, I thought as I looked over my copywriting. Im not going
to make any goddamn oil and Im not going to send out a bunch of goddamn
letters. Im too lazy! I need Sleep n Slim to do all the shit work for me so I can
concentrate on the sales side of things, where the real money is made. But why
wouldnt they get back to me? Need need need, money money money, me me
me! I whispered as I drifed o to sleep.
Day Four
Nothing. Still nothing! Sensing that their server might have been down, or that
it might have been a mistake on my part, I went back and tried the form again.
Success! I began hooting and hollering with joy as I read my conrmation note:
Tank you for joining our team!
Alfed,

From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
Your FREE site is ready and waiting for you to promote! Te URL is
http://www.sleepnslimeuro.com/aliate/AlfedsMagicalPillBunker .

You will receive an emailed message for every transaction that occurs
fom your site. (Every sale and reseller sign up.)

For HTML code for linking to your site with a banner, Copy and Paste
the code fom the email that was forwarded to you.

Tank You!
Chris Elsom
Sleep n Slim
What a catchy website address! And what an opportunity to make some mad
scrill by harnessing the power of desperation and misplaced trust! Tomorrow will
be awesome, I thought as I fell asleep with a grin, visions of sugar pills dancing in
my head.
Day Five
Looking around on the main website for a set of Independent Agent rules, I was
delighted to discover that no such thing existed. Given this complete absence of a
code of ethics or really anything telling you how you could and couldnt sell the
pills, I dove in and posted colorful messages around the internet in the hopes of
generating some leads (as we say in the biz).
Want to lose weight quickly, and for all of eternity, by doing nothing? Well,
almost nothingjust gobble down a Sleep n Slim pill once a day and sit back as
the Oxygen Genes inside the pills enter your bloodstream and use tiny magnets to
transform your fat cells into brain cells. Te reverse osmosis then helps the brain
cells travel up through your kidney arteries into your brain, meaning you lose
weight and gain IQ at the same time! All by taking a pill! No exercise, no eort,
no problem! Just go to Alfreds Magical Pill Bunker at http://www.sleepnslimeuro.
com/aliate/AlfredsMagicalPillBunker and for the low price of $49.95 you can
get one months worth of pills!
Easy enough! Now, as I understood it, Id simply need to wait back and let the
money roll in.
Days Six through Thirty:
No sales. Hmmm. I wasnt sure if other Independent Agents were stealing my
potential deals, or if there was some new diet fad out there that was making Sleep
n Slim old news, but either way I wasnt getting anything.
Ultimately, I decided to be a coward and retire. I briey irted with the idea
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
of employing an alternate strategynamely, selling the product as Slip N Slim.
Te strategy would be this: we give you a bottle of pills. You pour them on your
kitchen oor and then attempt to run through them at a dangerous speed, with
your eyes closed, while drunk. You will slip (guaranteed) and break a few bones.
During your recovery period, it will be very dicult for you to eat. Watch the
pounds melt away!
However, the parent company never sent me any pills so I was unable to test the
idea. My life as a Sleep n Slim Independent Agent petered out to a pathetic close.
Conclusion
Although I failed in my quest to make a prot by selling a worthless product to
desperate individuals, my heart was in the right place. And, based on the billions
of dollars spent in the industry, it was clearly working for other people out there.
Te premise of getting something for nothing makes for an intoxicating brew, and
as long as people are willing to close their eyes and slam it down, therell always be
people waiting there for them, serving it up.