Azaria Guernon Ms.

Gardner English 10H 17 January 2014

Abby Normal

Whatcha thinkin Lincoln? Michael, my father, would ask in the silence of a long car ride. I dont know. I would say either because I about boys, or I really did not know. I would try to backtrack and find what myriad point of the sky my mind had wondered to when he asked me but then I noticed just how complex the mind was. Within tenseconds I had thought of 30 different things. Each thought only lasting a second before being linked to another. Have you ever tried to think of what youd been thinking? Its like breathing; when you think about it, it becomes harder and harder to do it. As a child I remember testing my mind. I would draw a cube then force myself to see it in different perspectives. Sending the front of the cube to the back then to the front again. In the car Id stare at the rows grapevines flying by and marvel at how quickly my eyes moved to the next vine. I often thought about how to clear a mind and how come when you try to, you cant. These questions matured along with me. I began to look at people and wonder why they do what they do. I became very interested the primitive actions and reactions in association with modern dilemmas. The Pavlovian body language a man or woman gets when in the presence of the same or opposite

sex. To assert dominance humans make themselves bigger. Men puff out their chests when in the company of other men and women put their hands on their hips. The mind does this naturally without us knowing. Once you know about it, you always see it. These questions matured along with me. My thoughts were always a little too advanced for me. Thoughts began to weigh on me at an early age. Many things haunt my mind. As I grew older and thought about things until I solved them, certain fears of mine dropped off. Many thoughts came and left but one lingered. As a child I thought about death. A striking subject for an innocent toddler to have loitering in her mind, but I just couldnt stop thinking about it. Death haunted me when I was miles away from its grasp. I couldnt bear to think of having my whole life reduced to a patch of brown hey-like grass in a field of the rest of forgottens. I couldnt think of how I saw sights, had thoughts, I felt happiness, and I was one day going to be a tombstone. And the thought of one day ceasing to live was confusing. Would it be like I was trapped in a box? Would it hurt? I spent hours sitting Shiva for the loss of my sound mind. I didnt find peace with death until about a year ago. Why would a mind torment people with such thoughts? Why must we be cognizant of imminent death? It is like a plague but at the same time it is a godsend. The average number of thoughts per day is 700,000. The brain is in charge of so many things, what to say, what to touch, when to look. Some of these thoughts are soaked in self-conscious cautions; another fault of the brain, which is a frequent friend sleeping on my couch. My loved ones and I have battled with our brains. It has resulted in self-harm, eating disorders, and bipolar disorder. Ive come to believe that the brain torments itself as a test. How hard can I push on her hypothalamus till she breaks?

Shan Yu once said, Live with a man 40 years. Share his house, his meals. Speak on every subject. Then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano's edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man. Maybe our brain is just trying to meet the man. When I was younger I always thought Id use my natural talents as a career but as I grew and observed people, I noticed a persons calling comes from their passions. Orpheuss passion was Euridice and his mission was to retrieve her from the underworld. I remember distinctly when I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was watching TV and heard a story of a boy with autism in a large crowd who got scared and started to cry as the people around him started calling him names. I remember feeling his fear. I felt the feeling of the world spinning out of control, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. I began to weep. I knew I wanted to help people like him because all I wanted to do in that moment was hold him. All I wanted to do was protect him. I knew it was my calling. Along with studying people and actions, I want to study dreams. Messages from the subconscious ranging from subtle signals to a foul flare. When you dream of being naked you often are feeling vulnerable in life. When you dream of being trapped in life you feel trapped as well. Dreams are the way into the mind. You can see whats behind closed doors when you dream. The subconscious is a scary thing when you think about it. There is a place in your mind that things that are too hard to handle are stored. Its like a dam, every dream or recalling of a memory is a current smashing against it. Maybe it will break one day. The brain is one big contradiction. It holds happiness and sadness in one section together, along with love and hate. The brain allows you to see beautiful scenes, speak

your mind, hear life changing music, and feel the kind kiss and embrace of the one you love. My brain allows me to love and makes me fear losing my sight or hearing because I would lose a part of him. Its a curse because it causes me fear, and a blessing because I can love him. Although my mind can think I still am a madman. People have said mans greatest fault is the fact that we are cognizant of our imminent death. I believe its simpler. Our greatest fault is that we are given the pleasure of thinking.

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"Wikia." The Firefly and Serenity Database. N.p., n.d. Web. 22 Jan. 2014.

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