ANDY BOROWITZ SUFFERING FOOLS GLADLY ‘OR as long as 1 can remember, [ve been known as a man who doesn’t suffer fools gladly, Not suffering fools gladly has sort of be- come my trademark, the first thing people think of when my name comes up. You know howTonva Harding will always be known for the time Nancy Kerrigan got bashed in the knee with a metal rod? Well, re~ phce “metal rod” with “not suffering fools gladly” and that’s me in a nutshell. At first, I was flattered that people thought I didalt suffer fools ghadly. Not suffering fools gladly implies expertise and discemmment, ince knowing a fool when you see one is a pretty crucial prerequisite for not suffering them, gladly or otherwise. Plus, not suffering fools gladly suggests that you have far, far better things to do with your time—important things, even. People who think I don't suffer fools gladly probably imagine that I'm husbanding every free moment to find a solution to global warming or to sort out that intractable Social Secu- rity mess. In reality, I spend most of my spare time eating Nilla Waters and watching ESPN2, but my reputation as someone who doesn't suf- fer fools gladly keeps that evocative image at bay. ‘As flattering as it seemed at first, though, this whole not-suffering- Jadly thing has really come back to bite me on the ass. People ‘wary distance from me, and it’s no great mystery why: Your av- erage person doesn't enjoy being pegged as a fool. As my reputation for not suffering fools gladly has ballooned, I've become a social pariah, untouchable and unapproachable. I'm rarely invited to parties, but, when I am, I'm really easy to pick out: I'm the one surrounded by the twenty-foot “no-fool” zone. Sometimes, in my darker moments, I wonder how this bu about my not suffering fools gladly ever got started. You see, it's com= pletely untrue, Not only do I suffer fools; | suffer them gladly. I suffer them so gladly, in fact, that it really can’t be considered suffering at all. Tn my book, fools represent entertainment in its purest form. The time you spend ess 1g 10 fools, Pve often said, should be subtacted from your time in Heaven, Back in the good old days, when people at parties Still talked to me, Tused to hope and pray that Pd wind up ralki tool. And when hed mispronounce the title of a foreign film, or misuse the subjunctive mood, or get the name of a Plantagenet monarch wrong, did | “suffer”? Vd hardly call laughing until bourbon came out my nose “suffering,” And it wasn't the supercilious laughter of someone who docsn't suffer fools gladly, cither. It was the roar of a guy who ng tox knows he’s just hit the hilarity mother lode. But, sadly, those ianocent days are long gone. My reputation for nd when people meet me .T'd love to take thei by ‘T know you think I don't But I never get the chance. not suffering fools gladly precedes me now, they just zip up th the lapels, look them in the eve, and say, suffer you, but | do suffer you gladl 1 pie-holes and turn ta The fact is, fools don't suffer me gladly, and the irony’s Snot lost on me one bit. 2001