1

//tr

BEHTF{OVEIN

FACTOR
Other Books by Dr. Pearsall
Superimmunitg: Master Your Emotions and Improue Your Health
Super Marital Sex: Louing for Life Super Jog: Learning to Celebrate Euergdag Life The Power of the Familg: Strength, Comfort, Healing

the new positive pq/cholog,Y

har diness, lrappiness,

healing, ancl hope

Making Miracles
The Tbn Laws of Lasting Loue
A Healing Intimacg: The Power of Louing Connections The Pleasure Prescription: To Loue, to Work, to Plag, Life in the Balance

Write Your Own Pleasure Prescription

The

Heart\ Code: Tapping the Wisdom and Power of Our Heart Energg

Paul Pearsall, Ph.D.

Wishing Well: Making Your Euerg Wish Come True Partners in Pleasure: Sharing Success, Creating Joy, Fulfilling Dreams . . . Together Miracle in Maui: Let Miracles Happen in Your Life
Toxic Success: How to Stop Striuing and Start Thriuing

r+lk, '.,;ffi'w

HnuProrrr* Rr HPS

//tr

BEETF{OVEI{ FACTOR
Other Books by Dr. Pearsall
Superimmunitg: Master Your Emotions and Improue Your Health
Super Marital Sex: Louing for Life Super Jog: Leaming to Celebrate Euergday Life The Power of the Family: Strength, Comfort, Healing

the new positi\,"e psychology

hardincss, happiness. healing, and hope

Making Miracles
The T2n Laws of Lasting Loue
A Healing Intimacg: The Power of Louing Connections The Pleasure Prescription: Tb Loue, to Work, to Play, Life in the Balance

Write Your Own Pleasure Prescription

The Heart's Code: Tapping the Wisdom and Power of Our Heart Energy

Paul Pearsall, Ph.D.

Wkhing Well: Making Your Euerg Wish Come True

Partners in Pleasure: Sharing Success, Creating Jog, Fulfilling Dreams . . . Together Miracle in Maui: Let Miracles Happen in Your Life
Toxic Success: How to Stop Striuing and Start Thriuing

r.....,".,,,*,,,,"ffi*.i'

RQnns a?%* Hnr,lproN y, r'\

p

BL|

C Co

Mp4N

I N C.

('opyliglrl () 2(X)l
by l)aul l'carsall, Ph.D.
reserved, including the right to reproduce this work in any fbrm whatsoever, without permission in writing from the publisher, except fbr brief passages in connection with a review.

All rights

Cover design by Tiffany McCord Cover dome: 02000 Digital Vision/PictureQuest; sheet music: @ 1999 StockByte/PictureQuest
Ftrampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc. I 125 Stoney Ridge Road

Dedication

Charlottesville, Y A 22902 434-296-2772 iux: 434-296-5096 e-mail: hrpc@hrpub.com www.hrpub.com

wit6

atohaJor ffry wfe Cefest 0n

lur 3gth wedding anniversar).

w,ahafoJor afway frttltng me 6ardy, mafring me

If you are unable to order this book from your local

bookseller, you may order directly from the publisher. Call I -800-766-8009, toll-free.

6a!!),6th@

me 6eq[,

qndneyer ftntng me

fose 6oye.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pearsall, Paul. The Beethoven factor : the new positive psychology of hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope / Paul Pearsall.

p.cm.
lncludes bibliographical references and index. ISBN l-57174-397-9 (alk. paper) 1. Resilience (Personality trait) 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title. 8F698.35.R41P43 2003
158. I

--dc2l
2003010169

ISBN l-57174-397-9

1098765432
Printed on acid-free paper in Canada

t 0iltt'llfS

\,
I

I' r r, rrr'lr.tl11r

trrnts

lr,

lh,t,l lrovcn

li'actor-A Prelude

........xi
. . . . . .xvii
. . . . . . .xxxiii

Life lrrl r.tlr rr'lion: lirom Suffering to Savoring

l'r r'l,rr r': Aw;rkcning to a More Authentic

l',rr

I l: 'l'lrriving through the Tough Times

| \l,rlr.lfullyl,ived ' ltt.r,t.lrrpinf Your Talent for Thriving f \rrotlt'lo'l'hriving ll,rrrrlirr1 McaninginMisery ', ,,\ ('rrrrrsc in Thriveology .... t, (rtr:i(iorrsActsof Creation
|

.........3
. . . . . .20

.......40 .......54 .....20 .......g6

',rr

I ll: A 'l'hriver's lVlanual

.109
.

l.rvrrrli lr 'l'lrousand Times Over

li ,,lrrrll Your Thriveability

I

.r28
.

l,rrtlint'ss through the Hard Times

I I

.r43
.160
.181

lt)

l,r;rpirrcss for the Sad Times

tl

lt',rlirrg through the Horrible Times

2: llrrpirrf lirr All

'l'irrrcs Thriving

. . . .201 . . .2ZI

fipilogue: (]randma's Recipe for

Endnotes
AGlossary of Terms from the Field of Positive

....227

Psychology ........237 Bibliography of Positive Psychology References , . . .24I Index. ......25I

rVli,ttowledgments

\Vlrt'rr rr rrcw scientific movement begins, the tradition is to acknowledge the t,rllrrr or nrotlrerof thebreakthrough.Asthenewpositivepsychologycomesto Irtr', rl rs rrrrpossible to credit one individual for its birth. Pioneers such as Eric i'rrl,',,rrr, Allraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, George Valliant, Aaron Antonovsky, lrlrlr,rll, ('sikszcntmihalyi, Suzanne Ouellette Kobasa, and many others were urgrrrl' rrr lor vcars to take a less pessimistic view of the human psyche. Among the

rrr,rr t vrrit:irl philosophers, poets, and composers, there have always been those i,rllrrrll rrs to a more joyfully optimisticview of the human character.
lvl,rrry psychologists feel that a 1999 meeting in Akumal, Mexico, signaled the I nrlrtl('n('c of the positive psychology described in this book.
rr11

Itwas at this meet-

llr,rl tlre former president of the American Psychological Association Martin

I l' Srligman gathered some of his colleagues

for a discussion of the possibiliIrr',, lor ;r rrcw positive psychology that might help us savor living rather than just ,lr!\'rv(' in a stressful world. r\l ;r summit held the next year at the Gallup Organization in Lincoln,
l.l,'lrr,rsli;r, he and Donald Clifton, Ed Diener, and Corey Keyes cochaired the first rn,'rrlr, ol what might constitute a positive psychology were mapped out. Ar rrll ofthis was going on, dozens ofcreative researchers alreadywere studyrrrl' t,nc(rlrts such as resilience, benefit-finding, hardiness, trauma-induced

"rrrrrrrril

ol l'ositive Psychology. Itwas at this meeting that some of the key ele-

1'r,u,llr, rxplanatory style, and the nature of human strengths and virtues' I presr rrt tlrrs rrcw field to the lay public with an immense debt to all of these scientists

l.r lllf il

creative brilliance and scientific courage. 'l'lris book was inspired not only by great thinkers but by my great family that

ltr

ltrr111py111 1 '1,1p1'

silvc(l l)lv lilc irrrd cilttscs t)tc to tllrive. My wifc, Cclc.st, is

ont'ol llrt,slrorrflt'st trntl

rrros[ llusi[ivc persons I have ever known, and it was her supllorl irr tlrc early 1970s that allowed me to challenge the established pathological "fix-it" model to establish one of the first positive psychology programs to be offered at a major hospital. My brilliant son scott has been a model of hardiness by overcoming the ignorance and insensitivity he faced due to his cerebral palsy. My son Roger has

shown resilient happiness through the stresses of his learning disabilities. My deceased father, Frank, taught me that healing was much more than fixing, and my mother, carol, continues to lead a hopeful life even as she spends her days gasping for air with damaged lungs and a weakened heart. My Hawaiian 'ohana Kuhai HhlcLu o Kawaikapuokalani Ptt 'btapa Kahiko continues to teach me that,
as Mark rwain pointed out, the ancients have stolen our best new ideas. these people are my coauthors.

I lrc l\cethoven

Tsctor-A Prelude

All of
"

This book has had to endure its own severe challenges. After the manuscript was completed and I was ready to spread the good news about a new positive psy-

\\i'rirr

rrot think,we arebarelst consciltts,until somethinggles

wron;."

chology, totally unexpected and uhprecedented obstacles to its publication almost killed it. My family would not let me give in, pointing out that I should
heed my own words and seek benefits amid the trauma. That benefit was my discovery of Hampton Roads Publishing company, Inc. Publisher Robert Friedman,

-C.

S.Peirce

my editor Richard Leviton, publicist Tiffany Mccord, and the rest of the staff combined their considerable strengths and experience to make this book even stronger and get it to press in some very difficult times in the world. It is for all
the people mentioned here that I hope this book will meet its goal of helping you experience growth through stress to savor a truly positive life.

'l'lrt'rt'stood Beethoven, gravely ill and totally deaf. Eyes closed, he kept con,lr rr I rr rl-l l lrc orchestra even after they had ceased their performance and the audience Ir,r,l rr:,t'rr lo its feet in thunderous applause. As a singer stepped from the choir to
II

rr r r I rtr I r
r

;rround to see thOse whose Shouts of "bravg" resonated througihOut the con-

,r

I Ir,rll, lurrs of elation filled his eyes. Perhaps the worst loss a composer could exper t,,n, r, luul been the catalyst for a remarkably adaptive creativity that allowed him to

rrrtl lris tortures to become immersed in the thrill of conducting the premiere ,,1 lrr', Nirrllr Symphony, the "Ode to Joy." At that moment, and not only in spite of
Ir,rrr',r

lrrt lrt,ctrrrscofhisadversity,Beethovenhadexperiencedthethrillofthrivingthrough
,rrlt,r't r,tlv.

,\rr' llrrrc lessons to be learned from how this man so crossed by fate could not

.rrly risc to the occasion of his suffering but become so elevated by it?
;,ll have the Beethoven Factor within us as a remarkably powerful capacrlv lo llrrive in our daily life, and to live far above the languishing that too often , lr,rr.rr'lt'rizes the hurried, distracted trance of modern living?
I 1v1'

r'

l', llrlrc comfort to be found in the examples of thrivers like Beethoven, whose , r r:r': llrtrfht them to lose themselves so completely in passionate appreciation for llrt' prr:se nt moment that they have no time to regret the past or fear the future?

ltt lltttltrtytrr I rtr lrtt

lilt''s worsl plrysic:irl iu)cl ct))olionirl olrsltrt'lr':; lrt,rr';rlizirrA tlurt ottr ttlost rtragrtil.iccrtL ltutnatr.slrengtlrs are flred in thc crucilllc ol'adversitvi,

ltL ltrtlltot'trt I tt

lttt ,\ I't Llrtrlr

' (';rllw('ltitltsct'ttcl

rr'l rr,l

1rr.,l

tlrtlr.

\,'

llrt'lrt'sl, llrt'llrrivt'rs llrrorrlilr crisis wlto scctrt [<l ltavc lost every r.tr(l ltl) wrllr llr;rl wlriclr so r)r;lr)y r)rorc lorttrnatc pcrsons seenl

o can we go bravely through the indecencies of the human condition by realizing that a full life is less about a gifted life than about discovering the zest
sparked by an effortful, challenging, and painfully frustrating engagement in the catastrophes of living?

"r',l,l, l,' lttttlr'

iirrlrl,r tlrrrvr.rs,irr('wclivin[inalranceofdistractedlanguishingthrouglhour

l' , !i i rI

uu:,lirl\irrd tlre absence of negative feelings for the presence of very posi(Jrr",,rrrrl llrt: rcduction of stress forthe joy of savoring?

' r

can we adopt the enlightened optimism of thrivers through crisis who have realized. that the key to feeling vibrantly alive requires embracing the necessity
of the full sorrow, pain, and unavoidable losses of the darker side of life?

ilr' u rr(.\\'lroltc and inspiration to be found from crisis thrivers who live as \\ rllr,rrrr l,rrnt's sttlll.lcsted, "on the sunny side of their misery line," men, !!,,rt( n, ,rrrtl r'lrildrcn who have discovered the paradoxically instructive relatr,,rr ,lrlr lrr'lwt't'tt .rgony and ecstasy?

can we come to lead our daily lives, as described by psychologist william James, as "souls with a sky-blue tint," those who have grown through what he described as "the slaughterhouses of the human condition" to "passionately fling themselves on the goodness of life in spite of their hardships"? can we learn perhaps the most valuable healing lessons of those who have thrived through adversity-the ability to regularly make the ordinary sacred?

lri ,r,lrlrlr,rr lo l"l'Sl) (l'ost Traumatic Stress Disorder), is there also a PTTR or l',,.t lr.rrrrn,rlit"l'lrriving Response due to SIG, Stress Induced Growth?
r ,rr \\'r' lrrrtl t onrftrrt from the Beethoven Factor that promises us it will not be tlii ,rlr',r'nt t' ol rrefative experiences that determines a richly experienced life,

'

l,rrl lr,u, r'i,t' lr;rnsform ourselves through our worst times?

o Even before we suffer terribly, can we live daily with the intensely authentic life appreciation of those whose pain awakened within them evolutionary thriving skills that rest unrecoginized within each of us until something goes
horribly wrong?

. I

tlri.rr.,rrr t'ntirely new science and more positive psychology that confirms llrr rr',rlrly rrrrd Dower of the Beethoven Factor, goes beyond the dysfunction, rlr rrr,rl, rr'p;rir, and recovery approach of most self-help programs, and offers 1,1,,,r1 llr,rl llrcre is a much richer, joyful, loving, $entle, and fulfilling way to

lrt, ont ll\tt'S/

'

Before it is too late, can we live as if we realize what thrivers know: that in the final analysis it will not be what we have done that matters most, but who we were with?

o can we calm ourselves with the thriver's knowledge that strength is defined not only by perseverance and victory but also by knowing when to be an
enlightened quitter who gives up, lets go, disengages, and moves on to different gioals with new meanings for what constitutes a successful life?

.rrswcr to all of the above questions is an unqualified yes, and the new ' r, Ir, r' 'l positive psychology described in this book shows us how. Positive psy,1,,,1,,1,q' l,,li root at a small meeting of psychologists in Akumal, Mexico, in
(

llr,

l'i'rrr llrlr'r'scicntistsfeltthat,iustasindividualscanlanguishintheirlives,so
,
lrrlir.t'f ield of science such as psychology or psychiatry. Since its incepti,,11 1r.,1,t lrology has been about remediation and repairing the worst condir,, ', | , .rrrrl il lr;rs largely ignored what is strong, right, and wonderful about the
rrr .,rr

'

Has our fixation on recovery and the resilience of returning to where we were before our crisis blinded us to our "thriveability" and its states of flourishing and savoring our everyday living?

'.piril. liven the few psychologists who did focus on such issues seldom tr r,l .r ,r rr,nlilic interest or took a research approach to learning about the light ll, ,,1 our lrgmanness. As a result, when people wanted to reflect and learn ,1,,,,r1 llrr'food life and how to live it, they turned not to psychologists, but to
Irrrrrr,rrr

'
xtt

Should our role models for success include those who have had the worst lives

q'lrr1,,,,rplrcrs, poets, and novelists.

xlfi

lti lltilltitt,ttt I rtr ltr

lti

Iir

r lltr,t'ttt | ,tr

lt,r

l'/ ('/li r/r'

'l'ltt't'lrrt'rglrt{ licld ol l)osilivr'l)svcllolotly slt,ks lo rr.tlrr':.:. llrrs rnrlr;rl;rnct.; ;rrtd wlutI iI i.s lc;rrrlirrg;tbout our inna[c allilily Io llrrir,'r,, llorrrislr llr16rrglr,;rrrtl
spite of and often because of our -in new view of who we are and how we can be. savor living

sul'fering ol.lcrs ;rn cntirurllr

The

righrh oeadfu sin

I ir''rrr..lrr.r,. {()1r1tillirr1i llrr srrr ol,rr'ttlt,r lt'tttl lo ltvt'ttt lr tlttit'l;rtttl ollt'lt ,,i.,,,,,,,,..,,,' rltslr;rir. rt,slirrli irrsl lrt.rrr.;tllr ;rrr t'vt'r tlrirrrrirrg v('r)r'('r ol cllrtttlic, r. ir rr tr,l, r.rrr.rlit'rlr;ririirrg llrrsirrrss. llrrlcss lilt'tltlls Ilrcrtt;r drc;rclful blor'v, they . ,!, ir!..i\\,,rr. ,l llrt, lrollowrrt,ss;rttd ct'ttlttittcss ol'thcir spirit. Arnid the tangible : i !,! ,, tl,, tr'rl lrr,,r Ir;rlloorrinA Rross rrirtionurl producttl-rat n.reasures everything 1,r rtr.rt rvlrrrlrllrrivt'rslrrrve learrredrnakeslifeworthwhile,theyfail tothrive.

il,,

r,rr, lrr.lrlol positivrltsych6lggyhasdiscoveredthatthosewhohaveknown

Psychology has aimed too low. It has generally accepted recovery as its goal while ne$lecting our immense innate capacity to thrive because we have suffered

!!

and to become better, stronger, and wiser than we were before we experienced catastrophe. Its attention to dysfunction, codependence, pathology, recovery, healing, and repair has made it possible to better treat broken-down people; but psychology has done very little to prevent people from breaking down in the first place, or to help us understand what it means to move up and be elevated. It has focused on the downward rather than upward psychological trajectory. Research in the new science of positive psychology shows that, in spite of the hundreds of self-help books and self-improvement programs based on the old psychology of repair and recovery more than 7s percent of us are ,,failing to flourish.,, Instead of living in flourishing's state of consistent positive feelings and joyful eagerness about our lives, work, reiationships, and the world in general, it seems that most languishing through our lives. Even if we are too busy to know it or too tired to care, we are in effect regularly committing the eighth deadly sin, called acedia. Acedia was removed from the list of deadly sins in the sixth century by pope Gregory the Great, but this sin of living with fatigued apathy, cynicism, ennui, and general spiritual weariness is still committed by millions every day.
of us are

,,r t,,l lrli ollt'1 lt';rrttecl hlwt6findthebestaboutliving.Basedontheexpe' ,,1 llrr",t llrrivt'rs whg have discovered their own Beethoven Factor, this il,r,,rrt ,,rlt,rrrpl:rte {irrthrivingthroughwhatdoubtlesswill betheincreas-

,,,,,r !r, ,,lrrl ,rrrtl 1uri1l'ul titnes ahead. Unless we learn the iessons being discov, ! l, ll,, n( \\, |ositivc psychology and the upward psychological trajectory it r, rvrtlrrrr rrs, il is likely that we will continue to live on the carousel of dys',! r,i,i, rlr rrr,rl, rt'p;rir, and recovery. We will be resilient enou$h to live in a r ,,,irr, ,l,rll .l st'ri;tl recoveries from the crises that surely await us, but never 1,,,!, r, {ir .,1)nrlltirllyenergizedenoughtoknOwhowtothrivebecauseof them.

r :

tl,rr\'ur1 r'' r['lirrcd as reconstructing life's meaning in response to life's most r,,,, tr', .( ( ull'(,t)cr:s. It is not only rising to the occasion but being raised by , ,,rr, ,rl llrr' llrrivers I interviewed put it, "Think of thriving as the five Cs"

ri, ,,l ,,t rl ,r', tlrt' ;rbility to transform a life Catastrophe into a Catalyst for a , , ,!r r { lr,rny't' ol'tlgnsciousness. I only wish l hadn't waited until l almost lost Irtr t. r t,rlizt' tltat I was not yet fully alive."
ll,r!\'1rJ,
r,,

t'xperiencing a renewal of faith, energy, trust, hope, and connec-

In fact,

gift of being alive. If we are witling to learn from the thrivers, we don't have to
wait to be shocked awake by a major life trauma. Languishing is the opposite of thriving. It is a state in which an individual is emotionally and spiritually fatigued from trying to keep up with the accelerating hyperculture, and generally devoid of highly positive and optimistic feelings toward living. The steady hurrying hum of the electronic world, and the busy lives for which this dull drone has become the pulse, have hypnotized us into a state of spiritual stupor. we have failed to realize that we will never get there

languishing now far exceeds depression as the number one emotional problem in the western world. IInlike those whose life crisis led them to discover the capacity to thrive, flourish, and savor, three of four of us are missing out on the full

,,,,rrrtri'1,,'rr rIrgbl,cynicism,fear,fatigue,andalienationSeemattheirworst. r, , ,r',1 rrr l lr0r1111li11g blck. but up and beyond. lf is the emergence of a new cre.r,, 1,rrrt tlrrorrglrandbecauseof thedarkesttimes,aspiritthatcan$uideus

,l

'r(

, llr,\,(.r) lf;rctor so we too can creatively conduct our daily life as an ode

from "not here," but those who have thrived through trauma have awakened to
learn to be very much here, and what ,,there', means. xiv

,'l

rrrr/rt',, ittg to a More

tuthentic

tfe

\ll tt,ttrrr.rl roorls pcrlsh;riches

takewings;Jame is abreath;Iot'e is a cheat;yuth

,rtr,l ltr,rltlt ,rtt,l l,lusrres will vanish.vkinately,the skull wiII grin at thebanquet, l,rtt tltrrr rrt't tltost who lis,ehabitualll on the sunnst side of their miserS,line."

-'{/illiam
I

Ismes

lr
I

I'ttlr to I'ttrsdise
..{

lr,' p,rllr lo paradise winds through hell. I've traveled that path, and I bring , , rr \,r'n prt't t's tlf very good news:

r lll
lrlr

for a full and authentic lrtr . ,rrrrl rrltirrrately among the most significant and inspiring events in your
r

rr:,t.s in your life are necessary, indispensable

. I rlll

llrort,wlro have learned to thrive through crises, or learned from those .r,lril lurvr,, r.irn fully understand what it means to flourish and deeply savor r , I r \' rrr)nl('rrt of their lives. i,,rr lr,r\,( rrrrtapped innate evolutionary stren$ths, made not only to carry you tlrr'rrl'lr ,rrrV trauma but also to help you become stron$er and elevated by it.

xvll

I lti lltt tlnyr tt I

rtr

ltt

I'rclir I

' llt't';tttst'ttl

yottr lr;rlttr;tl tlrrivc;rllilitv, llrtrt'is rrollrinli llr,rl t.:rrr lurllpcrr lo yr1rr IlurI lt;rs t.o prevclrl y()u lr()r.n cxpericncirrga decllly nto;lniltg[ul anc.l prolirurrdly

., .

,,1 ir1,
,,1,

lirrl rrolrotly

s;rVs llrr,V'r't'rrrt'sst'rl tLrwtt, rlo

llrt'vi So, I gttt'ss I'ttt orl ttty

lease

more joyful life.

lr lrlr'lt,r:. lr;rtttlt'tl vott ir clirty deal, it tttiry also have lrarlded you a new

,,tirt,rrtlrr, l,rrrrol rrgwgoirls,ttcWntcattitlfs,andanaUthentiCfeelingOfbeing

o You have a psychological immune system capable of dealing with the enr, tional stressors of your life, and it can become stronger each time you suffe r
through adversity.

,i;.r llrirl yurr lt;rvt'ttot yet experiencect. You may be ready to learn that your ,.1;,, | .rlrrrrl vorr' D;rst itttd worries about your future have caused you to lose
llrr' prt'st'rtt whcre happiness grows. You may be ready to learn what the r",.rti\'r' pr,t't lrology is discoverinpi; we all have the capacity not only to sur, , ,rr,l rr'( r,\'('r'lr.ortr tcrrible crises, but to thrive and flourish more than ever ! . ,,r ' ,r'. ( )lrrrt'r" llirrdy was fond of sayingi when Stanley Laurel led him into , I rrr,llr, r i,rl,rslr"oplrc--you may be on the verge of going through "another ,:i.!,r
,,1 !a||a ilil'r',

' '

The worse your life seems, the more the possibility for discovering your innatg ability to relish every precious moment of it.

Feelin like quitting in the face of adversity can be a sign of strength through giving up impossible goals and seeking new purposes and meanings for what constitutes a truly authentic, full, and joyfully shared life.
Research in the new field of positive psychology shows the above statements be true. It reveals that we were made not only to suffer but also to become

t,,
!,,

Lrtt.t,rttslt rtr lo l:ltturish:That Is the Qtestion |

!

| \t){'r rt'rrt'crl firsthand the fact that no matter how unfairiy cruel and
,t

to

much stronger because of our tribulations. The evidence is clear from this new and more optimistic view of our thriveability that life,s worst misery can serve as
a cosmic wakeup call to pay more attention to living's profound majesty. They are

invitations to, in the words of positive psychology, stop languishing and start flourishing. They are opportunities to discover the ancient evolutionary thriving skills of our ancestors that made them the fittest survivors and allowed them to

[c, we have an inborn psychological immune system that .i1,, rr', 1r',{)1)('wav and at some time to triumph over the terrible and make !;r, rt l,,r',1 ,r', wop{crful as it was miserable. Like an untested physical immune - tr r r t lr,. pr,yt lt11lggical immune system can beCome Weak and lazy when it is ,rrrr lr;rllrrr;lr.tl lirr too lonpi. Just as we do, it can begin to languish instead of
t'rrrs lo
tl,,rrr t.lt

ili lr lrl,

1.,
i,, r r r.rl

,lr',rr)\r('r'('cl that the lessons

lr,,r

in thriving don't have to wait until we are

within our spirit. If you're going through a miserable time in your life right now, take heart. unless you choose to ignore your natural thriveability, you are more than up to
the challenge. Fascinating new research has revealed that the times that try our souls are precisely the times that can awaken them. They are the opportunities when we can learn to-again using the worcls from positive psychology-,,savor,,

pass on to us the thriveability that lies waiting

rtr Ilrcm the hard way. By learning from those who have already faced .,.1 , r rtr' ,rrrrl lrt.t,1 lransformed by it, we can learn to appreciate the mOmentS of ,,,r lr", . ,rrrtl lr';r1.1t Lhe two most important lessons thrivers have to teach us' We Io

lr u n to sirvor life by making the ordinary sacred, and flourish through it by r.,rlr rrrl'tlr,rl rl iswhowearewithandnotwhatwedothatultimatelywillmat,rrr

our lives as never before by regularly basking and luxuriating in, marveling
about, and giving sincere thanks for our moments here on planet paradise. If things seem to be messed up in your life right now, take heart from the new positive psychology. Its research shows that you are probably on the verge of discovering that you were barely conscious all arong and it is time to wake up. one of the thrivers I interviewed was a 14-year-old boy looking forward to a college scholarship in soccer. During his team physical examination, he was diagnosed with a tumor of the bone in his leg, and faced amputation. with the humor and upward psychological trajectory of most thrivers, he told me, ,,yep, I'm really

,rll srtllcring, but some of us may be too busy to know it' That's what !,i,1:rrr .lrr'r', rl'r.'l'lrey are too much going places to truly "be" anylvhere. Unless a !!, ii.rr r,rl,r''lrogtltc slams them awake, they too often continue $oing through the ,,!.,i,,,rr rvrllrorrI deep and joyful emotions. Even if languishers do eventually rec-

\\, ri

.r,i r tlrr .,r'r.igtrsness

of their problems, they tend to settle for livin$ in a state ! r, ' ,r\'('r1'or tcturn to the low-level normalcy of their prior life.

I'rtlrl ,,,,nr(,rnajor life crisis draws their attention to the magnificently

ir r,,tr, ri,rtrrrt, ol.being alive and they elect to flourish through the rest of their

r;.

rlr,

1,

lrlrotr)e ;rcclimatedtowhatoneofmypatientsdescribedas"suffering

xviii

'l

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1,il lot.

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in crttrtlirrl ."'l'lrc.y slidc birck irrttl lirrtlr llelwet,rr llrc sl;rlt,s so wt,ll krr6wrr lly lrir
ditiortal llsychology: dysf'ttttctiorr, derrial, irncl rccovtrry.'l'lrt'y l;ril to cxlrcricncc tlrl hardiness, thriving, flourishing, and savoring th;rt p..sitive psychrr'fy
rurs

rire

r,1,r11

,11q11

r',rrrliorr lrt,lrintl ost';rr Wildc's stittcttttrttt, "'lir livc is Iltc ritrt'sI

is

rltirE in llrr rr'r,tltl. Mosl 1tt'oplt't:xisl, tlr;rt

irll"'

recently discovered are our ordinary natural gifts of a life of thriving. our modern lives are so hectic that we may not realize we are languishing.

1l,r,lrn"nl

tlil(

the American Medical Association reports that more than 75 percent

unfortunately, more than 75 percent of us between the ages of 25 and T4 do nol psychology's "flourishing life," defined as a state in which the individual feels persistent positive emotions and experiences excellenl physical, mental, and interpersonal relationship health., Further, the Journal ol

fit the criteria of positive

Americans are now officially "diseased," according to current diagnostic crite, ria.'z Positive psychology's interest is in the often forgotten flourishin percent who seemed tuned in to their Beethoven Factor. Traditional psychology and medicine have so compulsively concerned them_ selves with the search for our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that Dr. Clifton K. Meador of Vanderbilt University warns that sooner rather than later we will witness the extinction of the last well person.' How could such a smart and rich culture
encl

,f

llrr,rrl,lrllrr,rrr;tnyt:risesinntyowntife, IhaVebeComeaWarethattheWOrst Iur..,,lrl,,.rtl lollrt. ltrstol limes.TheycanServeaSspiritUalalarmstOawaken rr,,rrlrrr,rt\,tt!,r!lt( loltccome StrOn$erandmOreVibrantlyaliVe.FrOmtheinten=ir, ,,1 1q1i, ,,\\,rt l),rr1, l.rrtnr nry interviews of and clinical work with others who 1,.,l.rr,,'r'rrlirr';rl sttlli'rirrgintheirlives,andrecentlythroughresearchfromthe rrr ,tr r,r rl,tltl :,('tcn(:r called positive psycholoiy, I have discovered the full
,!,=rerlrtrr I n,

2s

up this way? The answer is that even with all we have accomplished, we too often languish rather than flourish, and recover or survive rather than savor and thrive. Positive psychology is revealing that the answer to ,,there must be something more" is a clear and resounding "yes, there is." we can learn from those who have learned to thrive through their agony that we need not languish any longer. we don't have to mistake being busy for being truly alive, or fall into the stagnant
consciousne.ss of weary indifference, pessimistic apathy, and cynical emptiness that comes with too much stuff and too little spirit and too much doing and too little being. we don't have to keep mindlessly and often wearily life.

reactive

going through life automatically reacting to the stresses and strains of daily lifc while losing sight of what it means to lead an authentically rich and zestful

Ifyou listen to their lessons, the thrivers you will be reading about can teach you what it takes in order to thrive in your own life and before you experiencc
the impetus of the severe pain these thrivers have known. Before cod sends you a hammer blow, their lessons can serve as the feather that draws your attention to what it means to thrive for the rest of your life. we can learn the secrets of a thriving life from those who have already been to Hell and back. In their journey, we can find the way to paradise, even if
that
paradise may not be the one we thought we were pursuing. we can discover what helped these individuals, strengthened by their pain, to awaken to their ability kr

r'ol llrt'gilt ol'our ability to thrive. lirr,,rrrl lrlrrrtl 11plilrism or tryin$ to clin$ relentlessly to a forced positive :litl,lr llr,rlr.tontt,tognderstandthateaChOf uShasWithinUSnOtOnlyaphySi .,t .rrrunrr{, ,,1,r,lt,rrr hrrt also a powerful pSycholOgical immunity. This remarkal,ir ,,r',tr rrr r,,,rl llrt'lourrdation of our innate thriving response, defined aS total idlfltl iurlnr'tsiott itt tlre simplest aspects of our daily livin$. We can awaken to tlr+l irtllrnl t(,sp(lnri(', irnd those who have found it through their times of misery ,r', lrr lp l,,r'l lltl w;tY. lt,r rr,rtrrr,rl llrriveability is a kind of mental, emotional, and spiritual ll.lrr,rrry 1l11,,rr11lr wlrich we are able to turn life's most bitter pills into an elixir !lr,rt lr, lt'. rr., rrnl orrly overcome bUt transcend our agony. It allOwS US to COme tO =* tirr rl,rl,lr,r,rllr;lrcnewedconfidence,enduringfaith,andUnrelentingjoythat nr.rl.t' rrr llr'l ;rltrtosI invincible. I rl,, r',,.,1 pt'Oplc, I've led a "Dickens" of a life. When I read Charles Dickens's ,,r,1 ll rr',r', llrt' hest. of times. It was the worst of times," I often think that he r= ,h :r rrlrrrrll rrpl gnly my life but all lives. Listed below are some of my own ,,r,1 ,rl lrrrr,",.'l'lrt'varesomeof themiserymilestonesalon$mypaththrough tt.tt r,, t,,rr,r,lr,,r.. ltelirre you read aboutwhat I came to call my "thriving teachirt

lrlirlr. | ,,rllti(,st you take some time to reflect on the trials and tribulations i,, .,ri ,,\\'rr lrlt.;rrrd how necessary they may be to the fullness and richness of
,rr lrt, rrorv As ttltsetting as these events may have been, ask yourself if they .,. ,,,,t 1r ,,{11t(,ways essential in making your life more authentic, Vibrant,

',..,,,r't'l,rl,rrrtl

iovl-ul.

; , I rrr,,tlr, r tt'lls nte that I barely survived my birth. I was taken from her for ,1, rrrr,lr'rw('r)t several surEieries for dama$e to my head and body, and was
r, lr,
r

find a more meaningiful, calmer, confident, happier, and loving life. we can learn

I rr

| r ;r i

I throu$h most of my preteen years. As I began to strengithen,

I ltt llrtltu,rtr I tr tot

strctttctl {ltlrl l.so irrtcrrscly lrca.srrrcd Ilrc opporl trrritv lo fo t9 sc[<iol, l11 pllry nlttsic, [o reacl ;rttd write tlrat nty tcirclrcrs llrorrglrl ol'rnt,irs tlrivcp. My pst.r.r

I'11'/rtr r'

il

t,,
-=i

,,1

ll,

rrrl:.1. "1'rrr so sorrv," s;tirl ;r ntrrst'' "llt:'s tlurrl. Yottr cl;rd ll;td ,;t ttuts

me as intense," "stranSie," or a "misfit." l,ike nrosl thrivers, il seems that because I had such a difficult time coming to life, l've learnecl t9 c91 tinue to try to keep becoming more alive-and this is the essence of thrivinc.

often saw

"too

, lrr,rrl ,rll,rr'h ;rrrtl lill rle;rd on tlrt: c:irle tcri;t l'loor hcre at wtlrk." ltKrm that =lt.t ,,1 tlrr,r,rrtltlt,rr clrillilf l'ilality grcw my abiliLy t9 embrace my dad's mem-

,,r., lry rrr,'llrlr's lilt,, rrry own lilt, and the life of all those I love with a depth 4r,l li'\,rnH lttl(,1(V llrat thgsc whg have nOt suffered suCh sudden cloSe loss lr.ri n,,l yr.l lr.r.l irr llrcir hearts. l"or me, every day without such a loss is a day
| ,,,,r,rll,,rr,r,rl lo lit,ep trurking new memories and to celebrate the physical pres,tr, r ,rl tttt' l,,t't'tl trtlt's.

'

I have known the unrelenting agony of my bones being eaten away by canc(,r, and learned to treasure the painless moments I will never again take lirr
granted. The ordinary aches and pains of daily living and symptoms of a c.ltl or flu have become like familiar friends, whose annoying traits are outweighgtl
by the value they add to our lives; reminders that my immune system contirr ues to work its daily miracles that allow me to feel so totallv alive.

* | lr,r.r [rro\\,1 llrt, lrcart-wrenching

helplessness of trying

to comfort my wife

..lrrr,lr,,rr,,r,, lofitlratherfatherhadbeenfoundlyingdeadinapoolofblood fr,,1r.r trt 1,,t ,t1(,rtrvstn. Each time We have comforted One another, We haVe
!!r,',\rrih,.,r,r loslurrcanalmOStoVerwhelmingsenseoftheValueOfeVeryliVing ;rrllflnl logcllrt,r. We have developed a kind of adaptive unity, what we've come

oI

have experienced the depth of depression when I saw my two impaired sons

struggle against cruel discrimination. one has cerebral palsy, the other ;r severe learning disability. I saw the tears in their eyes when they endured thc harsh reality of what they could never do and, more often, what an insensitivc and intolerant world refused to allow them to do. From that sadness grew thc proud joy of relishing the simple and ordinary childhood accomplishments

t,,,,rll,,rrr ",,,r 1rlt"Sr:onfidence"andOUr"CreativeCOUpleCoping."IhaVeSeenthiS =1rr tnullirl llriivirrg in many lovin$ pairs who have learned to thrive together
tlrr,,rrplr llrr, 1rgsl scvere and repeated adversity. Mywife and I oftenwonderwhy e,' ilr,rn\'i,,,rr1t1|s lail to recognizethe potential of a shared psychological immu-

to'

rrtli.trt,rt llrr.rr irrlirrraterelationshipssocasually,andsacrificethemsowillingly'

often taken for granted by parents of healthv children.

r it'r it, ,rr1l l slrrrggled to understand

have known total blindness when both of my retinas became detached. wherr they were surgically reattached, r rearized that I had been partially sighted all
alongi, not because of any ocular problem but rather from lack of attention. For thc first time, I began to see and cherish the most ordinary daily sights that had bee.

my wife's mother after her stroke. She ,,r,,rtt,r1r,.,l lrr.r' lrcntal faculties, but felt agonizingly trapped in a body that .,,,rtlr! irll ,rllrtw lter to speak. Until her death, she had tears in her eyes as she

right in front of me all along. Sunsets, traffic lights, gray days, and the faces of my loved ones seemed clearer and more vibrant than I had remembered before my
sudden blindness. I wonder now how many others are blind but don't yet know it.

,,,t',,l,rntlr, ,,t rrrffiled to be understood. I strugi$led in much the same way as I l.r, rlrrrrt: ,rn,r r|s;tirator,andwehavenevera$aintakenforgrantedthegiftof of feelin$ heard and understood' =1rt r r lr ,rnrl llr(' rcassuring comfort

o I felt

a helplessness, numbing emptiness, and sickening anger when two robbers almost killed my dad. He was carrying bags of food for our christmas din-

t!1, ,\,rtr ,rrrrl I lr;rve known the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual I,rti{ur: ol lrt,rrr{ chronic caretakers. We have spent most of our lives fighting .i+,ril ,t tlrr, lr,rlrit,rsof discriminationencounteredbyourSonSandcaringfor

* r

ner to his car when he was shot. I went from despair to elation as I heard hc would survive, and from that time forward never missed the chance to look
deeply in his eyes, listen to his voice, watch as he walked, and take plentv ol time to enjoy every moment I shared with him.

ru1.,ly rll rrrgther, yet this lifelong $ivin$ seems to have awakened a ,l!.r,|r'r r('il:,r' rtl t:onnection between us and with all of our loved ones'
r

Itr,r , l:u,r\\,n llrr ltrgfoundsenseof fearuponbeingtoldIWOuldCertainlydie ,,f 1i1r{,t I lr,rvc known the terror of being told after my cancer went into ,elricqtlrr llr,rl I would die anyway. They said I would die from suffocation
,

'

A few years later, as I was comforting one of my own patients who had lost hi.s father, my secretary called me to the phone. I heard the words that all of us

,' ,h';rdly virus allowed to attack my lungs by my chemotherapy-andi.i,ti ,tr,,rr 1,,',r[r,rrgcl immune system. That fear of dying haS led to my feeling

.,,,

'

1,1'

xxill

I ltt llttlltrtt,iu I tr

ltt

I'rtlrtr

ol llcirrli ttlort';rlivt'llt;ttt I ct,t'r irrr;rgirrt,tl possilrlt.,;rrrrl I lr(.,rr;11('t,v1rv lrrt,;rllr. l,ilc stltltlts so tttttclt tttort rcul rtow, ;rtrcl I llrirrlt ollt,rr ol ;rrrllror..llrrrrt,s lfowlt.r'r,
words, "'l'he more absolute death become.s, tlle rlorc authclrtic li[c bccornt,s " My confrontation with my own mortality resulted in my ca{erne.ss to writg llri:, book to get the attention of those unaware that they may not yet be leading ,r !

i,.i:,,,,,,,r1,rrr l(lr'.l,rl Sitr;ri llosllil;rl ol l)ctroil, wlt;tl I lt;ttttt'tl lllt l'rolllcttls i,.ir I r rrr1,( lrrrr, (l'l)1,(') 6lli'rt.rl lrr'lp hirsttl orr tlrc itlur tltirt rrtental lrcaltlr
.,,',, lr rrrrrr'llr;rrr llrt';rllst,rrt'c of'rlctttll illrtcss.'l'he rnultidiscipline staff and i. !,,1 tl1. rllrrr.r,:, itlt.ology t:tttltliitsis orr ltatllolofy and replaced itS terms SUCh

truly authentic life and may be squandering their chance to thrive.

i,ri,!!t ,
,,
!

rrr,l 'lrr',rlrrrlrtl"willrwgrclssuchas"client"and"proEiram."Ourgoal

.-,,,,', lr rr,,rr'llr,rrr llrc;tltscttcctlf sickness.Wewantedtohelplaunchpeople

, lrtr r,l rr'lr.rl posilivt'llsycholofis[s now call "flourishing."

'

After nearly dying of cancer just at the time when I was experiencing publi.slr ing success, I had become too weak to write or promote my books. whcrr l attempted to return to writing books, I was told by many publishers that rrrv
career was essentially over. one editor candidly told me that there was ,,a corr cern in New York that I would be a difficult author likely to die before I coLrltl

finish and promote another book." I was also told that my story and the storirs of the other thrivers you will read were 'Just too depressing and negative to sell." I finally abandoned my efforts to explain the nature of thriving and man aged to publish Making Miracles, since reissued under the title Miracle itt Maui. This book describes the details and science of my miracle survival frorrr cancer, but it did not fully explore the issue of thriving. I finally found a puh lisher that understands what it means to thrive, and the book you are reading now is my attempt to share the wonderful news that thriving is an option f.r anyone who chooses it.

!,,r, rt . r l,'r' ln l ll8T, wlrcn l was diagnosed with cancer, we saw hundreds , i ,r,r, ,'1r,, l,,rrrrltl l.1clg very well in the context of risk. They came to savor 'f*rr li.r. l,,,,rrr',r' ol lltt'ir struggle throu$h adversity, not just overcoming it' i !.. 1 r,.1,r ,'r ( rrlrlr,r:,rzt'tl wlrlrt a person did, thought, and felt, notwhat a person ,{= ,,r lr,r,l tt111 ,lplrrrxrcltw;rsbasednotonthesickandwhatmadethemthat .. r.,ri ,,n llrr' and how they did it. The people who came to us were ",r\tonn'l !! :! r,rr1'1'lrr,1', ,rrrrl ottr gl.r.icctive was to never leave them floundering in the r. r!r.,,, tlr{ 1 t).r1r. Wt: wlrntedtohelpthemmovetowardfloUrishingwiththe
.,!i,L 1,,. rrr llrr.rr t lt;rrtrcter. We wanted them to see strengith as nOt only perSe! -:, , ,r,,1 \\'1v111 lrttl itlsg knowingwhen to $racefully $ive in, move on, and Jt,tt

Remarkabl1 Ordinary still feel the pain left from cancer's devastation of my body and the lingering sadness of these life challenges. But going through thes. experiences seemed to awaken my psychological immunity and my natural
capac, As I write these words, I

il,, l'lrl ( \\',r', lr1rl;rccyearsbeforethelggggatherin$inAkumal,Mexico, !..., 1,',,1r,', l',\,tltologyformallytookroot. Itwasatthatmeeting,calledby r,,r,'1'r I I\l,rrlrrr st'ligrnan and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, that the new field ! r ,r, , r, ,\'r 1r,,1,1,,\, w;rs born. These two men are positive psycholo$y pioneers ,, ,it i,, ,, .,,lrrr1q ,rlrorrI later, psychologists who joined with other like-minded i:,!ri ! r" t,r,rpr)s(';r psychology based on helping persons move from lan-

,:,ri=lrirrlj llrr,,rrlllr lrcctically busy but empty lives to flourishin$ in more lovin$,

ity to thrive through any trauma. They made me realize the wisdom of psychokr, gist william James's obsen ation that we need both the sunny and dark sides of lifi, and a place for sorrow as well as celebration. They remind me that we need a plac. for radical pain to reawaken us to the grandeur of life's simple pleasures.

; !,,i ,,,,i t'rllrllrlrll livcs. ii !i, rr | ,,,rrr'l.lt'rl r-ny clinical psychology ilternship in 1968, I felt disenI .,.i, ! rtlr tlrr. 1,r t'tlisposition toward pessimism about the human spirit. I had , . ! i! ,,,r',,'rl,,rl,rlrlrwithitsdiagnosticmanual thathadgrownfrom86pa$es ,, t,l, l , r1,,,,, 1r,rrr 800 in 1994. (I'm happy to report that the firstHandbook

In my own life and work, I had discovered the value of what I called ,,SIG,"
or stress-induced growth. My suffering refreshed my memory about the impor_
tance of looking for inspiration from those who learned to thrive through crisis. As a clinical psychologist, I had designed and directed one of the first positivc psycholoEiy programs. In 1973, my clinic was awarded the Rush Gold Medal from the International Psychiatric Association for achievements in preventive psychi atry. Howeverr our program had more than a proactive ,,mental illness,'approach. xxiv

.r,,'r., .1'living were located not inside individuals but primarily in !r,. i'r, i !, tr,i1,, lrqlwcen individuals and their world. PsychOlogy Seemed too , ,, t '1 r ,,1 l,'r nr(.;rrtd my new clinic was my attempt to offer a more posi,! i,,",, lr Nly t ttrrenl suffering called my attention back to the immense
.,r,i t,tr

! lr:rir ,r1,1 \'1lrrt:s 9f Lhe human spirit and to understanding not only what is ,-r, | '1,.'rrl rr'. lrrrl irls6whatisbravest. Ibecameeagertowriteaboutthenew
1, , lr,,l,,;tt, llr;rt
was movingi away from a preoccupation

with repairin$

I llt ltt'tlllttl,t'll llltl0l

I't r lrtr

tltt'worsl llrirlll.s irr lilt'lo lrrriltlinA rl)on llrt,lrt,sl rlrr,rlilrls ol

c:lrolofly ol I lrrivirrg.

lilt,

ir 1(.\\,r),,\

!!! llrJt,rrrtl lr,rltl v,rrrr lovt,tl on('s;rs il vott trrltV tttrvt'r;rf;ritt llc lthlt to letl

l-ike the otlter Ihrive rs yotr will bc rc;rclirrg;rllorrl, I lirrow I arrr rrruclr rrrorc;rlivi now and much more in love with life and with those wlro are in my lile . I ollcr tlrr.,,,
examples of my own suffering not for sympathy or as evidence thai I

,,l,rrtrlt

,!

iur

irr irrry u,,rr

exceptional, more courageous, stronget or naturally optimistic, or havc lr;rrl ,, tougher life than others, have a more positive attitude, or am wiser than arrv,rr, else. I offer them to encourage you with the news that, like the other thrivcrs r,, ,rr

r!r .rrr('ll llrr'lrr:slt ;tir, st:c t[e firight. cglors, and listen to voices, music, ! ,r rtrn.rl ',,,rrnrls ;rs il votl ttlity ntvur lr[;rin be able to sense these simple

t, i,,:lrl

will

read about, these dark times led me to discover the same thriving respol.sc llr,rl

rests within your own consciousness. I offer them because I have learned th;rl r'r are all capable of much more than resilience or a return to our pretrauma

trrr',rlrrrrl llrcse trncl other simple thriving tasks, you can begin to ' ,,, lrl' i'rllr lt ss ltttrried disconnection, renewed vigor and zest, and endur!,,, r ,n,l,,trlunr:illl t[;rt thereisnothingthroughtheexperienceofwhichthe

'

' tl,,

stirlt.

have learned that settling for survivar wastes valuable creative thriving energ),. I have learned that we are capable of colorinpi our souls not with bleak ness of despair and hopelessness but

d;rrl,

with what william James called the ,.sl,r, blue tint" of those who transcend the "slaughter-houses and indecencies el llr,, human condition" to "passionately fling themselves onto the goodness of lilt, rrr spite of their hardships."5 The thriving response is as ordinary as it is powerful. It may be more e;rsrr'
recognizable by those of us whose attention has been demanded by what ont. r,r my patients called "the serial suffering of multiple miseries." But you don't nt,r,tl to wait for your turn at life's inevitable traumas to learn the flourishinS of thosr, who thrive. You can realize the power of your own psychological immunrty ;rrrrl "thriveability" right now. you can decide to live evel] moment of your life irr thriving mode and realize your own Beethoven Factor by taking a momen( r,
experience some very simple but important thriving tasks.

r,ur n{)l ortly endure but thrive. | ,', ,ir\' lrl, t lr;rllt'rtges have taught me thatwe are made to not only endure r ' i ir rrr,l. rr,rlrrlt' tlrals us. We are also made to be able to play our cards ,,,, l,' rr'r ll ;rnrl tttorc wisely and enjoy the game even when we don't win' I i. ,,,',,1 llr,rl sllt'rrgth is not only "knowing when to hold them" but also ,, t, r r l, r loltl tltctr," give up, give in, and move on to other goals. In the
1r1111

,,,

,,,,1.

",,

r, n'n(' rtl otrr strenpiths

helps us avoid our final end' Ours is

,,,. ,l r rrtr rpr rsr', lrrrl we can gio about it like Tennyson's Ulysses, "always roam-

.r1,, lrrrr,itt\' ltt';trt."

i, ,,', !r, rvrllirrri lo consider the findings from the new field of positive psyirrcft on our innate psychological immunity and ordinary but .,lrt,1gths, you wili discover that it is not an exagi$eration to say ,,,,! lrrrrrr.rn
'r,, |
|

lr,

, :,t

You can appreciate the simple fact that you can see these words (or feel or lrt,;rr them if you are visually impaired) on this page and are able to think cle;rrl'

,,, ir r.,rlr'\\,('ll trnderwayandweareverylaterecoSnizin$thatthe jour! r rrt,,l wlrt,tlrcr there is such a thing as a near-death experience or an ,;!, ,,, ,r, rl , .r ilt ,rrcl'-to-life experience and a before-death flourishing through . ii,. rrt . ,,1 lrlt ;rrr matters of our own choosing'

about them, question them, and decide how you will interpret thern.

lt,

ri ',rrllt nt; in thelWorld?

' ' '

You can pause now rest this book on your lap, take a deep breath, and rerisrr your ability to breathe freely and on your own.
You can place a phone call to a parent or grandparent, say "r love you," ancl Ir v

'lr, rrr,,'\!llytlolharretosufferso?"Likemanythrivers'laskedthisques,, ,,,,1 ,,r', r rlrrrinf my many tribulations. It is aversion of the question 1', , r l, rl llrrotrt'hout history, "What is the purpose of suffering and evil

to store the sound of their voice forever in vour heart.

As if you may not be able to see again, you can look more lingeringly or care s,.

l,| | |* r t' ;rrr manyways to seek answers to this most difficult of ques,,, t, r, lr,,l rrs rntlst find our own answer in our ownway. This bookpro,

more slowly the faces of your family.

r tlr,rl 0lltcr thrivers I interviewed and I have found. It is one that ,ii l', tf i',r1 irt yrtur search foryour own answer. it is derived from my r, r , | , r' t\' \\'( )rK as a psychologist helping those who have suffered terri'Ir rrrr.rlrr .'lorits of other thrivers vou will be reading about, and the new
rr

xxvi

xxttl

ltt

ltt't

lltot,ilt I it l0t

l'rrltrr

l('sc;lr('ll itt o1r1111111111 lttttttittr lirtrcliorrinll t;rllt.rl po:.ilr\,(. 1),.\,(.lr()l{)}iy. lior rrrr,, llrr, illtswer is tlrlrt lil's is ttladc dill'icLrlt so it cirl llc rrrlrtlt,nlorf irutl)clrtic, rt:irl.
irrrrl

r ,i , il rlrilr our tl;rlkt'sl st'llislr rrrotiv;rliotts, r'orrttltl

,

ttttcottsctotts

intensely meaningful. We sufler bccausc wc brc;rllre,;rnrl ;rsking wlry suffer is like asking why we must exhare. There is rire with.ut it.

r.

wr

rrrrr.l

t.

',uullr"., r'rrlrrt'r;rlrilrlrt's, ;rrttl;rllt'tttpts Io repirir ancl lleal, a tlcw 1-ltlsi r,..r,,i'\ r'. , rr'rllrrt),. ll is irrlcrtslt'tl irl hrlw innately strong, wonderfully

It

seems that our lives may be torn apart so that we

t*apti,*
,,.I i:,, ,l

will learn not only hrw r.

fabric of our lili, s' that we will learn to be better weavers and to show us how to more deepry ;rpDrr. ciate being given the chance to weave. we may not see the final pattern, but wc ;r'r, wise if we try to find new patterns and become more patient and creative weavcrs.,' Going through the good and easy times of living can constitute periods .l spiritual rest and renewal, but it can also result in a kind of spiritual languishirrpi that is the exact opposite of the flourishing of the thriving response.It seems
uurl

weave them back together aEiain but to cherish more every moment of our gil'l r,l life. As a Hawaiian elder told me, "God sometimes tears at the

,rr,ll,,r.r,.rll1'r,r'tvlgootl w(rirrc. lt isaboul-morethanfindingandrepairi. r,.rrlt4l li: \\'t"lt,. il,rllr us; il is;rlso;rllor-tt identifying and nurturin$what is good

, l,

i,,.!, i,lr't trr,rrrl, lo rtlt'rrtil.y rrrrd cxplain ourweakuesses, positive psychology ! t, ,i..1 t,, lrr { rrli u:i lrortr Ilte healing arts'psychoterrorism that constantly -.;,= ,r- ,t rtrr ( .r r rrpl uttcottsciotts, emotional and mental vulnerabilities, and il, ri11i,,rrllrr',tl1qt'ol rccovery. Itisinterestedlessinwhatthreatensour

the meanings of life are found not only within our blessings or during times ,r blissful meditation. They are found not only through perseverance and overc.rrr ing obstacles, but also through knowing when to give up, quit,
and seek new arrtl
overconrr,,

different goals and purposes in life. Thriving is not entirely or perhaps even about victory. As you will read, it is also about allowing ourselves to be

mo.sr ly

going with the flow and accepting and learning from defeat ancl what follows frorn it. Giving up has a bad reputation in modern western thought, but all of qrril us sometimes and none of us will go through life without encountering numeror5

insoluble problems. The art of creative disengagement and seeking new goars ar)(l meanings is as much a part of thriving as persistent effort and ,,never a say dic" attitude. sometimes, thriving involves saying ,,die,,' welcoming death, and crt, atively thriving and even flourishing through its transitional processes.
Positive psychology has learned that thriving depends upon our vigorous st^ril gles with the pain and challenges in our lives. At the good times,
we are already expt,

riencing joy.It is during the tough times thatwe are piiven the opportunity to lear' as Beethoven did through his deafness. we can learn how to experience joy m,rr. deeply, meaningfully, regularly, and independently of life's lucky breaks, hard-earne
tl

rewards, and always temporary physical well-being. It is at the difficult times that wt, can come to appreciate what we could be girateful for almost all the time. an ordi nary but enchanting joy in sharing with others the gift of being arive.

= i1,,li1 irnr,lr,rl rrr,r[r's lilc wtlrth living, less in our engrainedweaknesses than .,, ,,alrrrrrl .,lr.rrllllr, ll lirt'trscs n<tt on our frailties but on our natural human r. tsr:rrll r,rrl11r", ll rrtotti:crncdlesswithexplainingwhywegetsickandmore ,r!' 11.l1q rrr ',l,tv rr'r'll ln ils rrtos[ simple form, positive psychology aims to help ,. ii ,,,i tr r rtlrr r tlr,rrrnrcrclvcxist,anditfindsitsevidencenotonlyinthelucky , ii r rr! irr tlr,,.r' rr,lro lurvt'hcett to the dark side and found new light. r trr 1,1 1,1 \', r r,n,r( l('ristic of positive psychology is its emphasis on our $en, ,r! ,,!, ri,i p,1'r lr,rl,11icirl lra.jectory and our natural psychological immunity. It ', t,, trr\\,\\,('r'orrr('tr) l'unction sowell instead of whywe can seem so dysrllff*ttll:,i ll .rll, rrr|,l:; lo trndcrstand why so many people who should be feeling | ,'ir r. ,,'rrr1,r tr,l,r'l sowonclerful,andhowtoenjoyliferatherthanavoiddeath. i ,lr,l,t, ll,, lrrrtlirrgs l'rom positive psychology about our natural talent to rr,,! . l rll 1'rr.,,,rrt llrc lrue stories ofoften horrible tragedies that led those t, =,,,1.r,,1 tli, nr lo t'on)e up with the same explanation for why bad things i ,1 i -,, r,, ,r ,r , I rlrtl. lty sharing their experiences, the thrivers you wili read ,i ,,! t,, , ,i,,,' ,,)nrl srrl'ferinEi for you. They have $one througih versions of rrr' ,r rlrr .rrn,' ,'lr;rllt'rtges you will face and come out thriving' Through their ,,1 ,rr,l rrr llrtir owt-t ways, they can teach you how their life crises led ' ',, , lri,r( ,rrllrt'rrlic life, a life you can lead now even before you face your : !r:,iii!i, llr, ,r'srrpt:rstarsof thrivingcanhelpyoupointyourownpsycho' .., .r ri irr r t.r1 rr;rrr,;rrtl by providing a pretested template for thriving.
11 q

, : rjr,i/'r,
,,

l11;11'1'f.\C

Towqrd a Positiye psychologt

In the following

.
pages,

,,i !!,\' t, ,t r(';r(lers for this book is a cardiologist. His comments about | ,,,'r i l' rl lo rrc the concept of the increased authenticity that suffer-

psychology. After decades

I will introduce you to the new science of positivt of a pathology-oriented psychology that primarily c.rr

,,
1 ,.

lr r

,,rrr livinlj. After completin$ his reading of an early draft of this

,,,i

xxyiii

'

I'ln ltY

1lPY1 s 1 1 :,1;

n,

l'rt

lrti

At the beginning of your l)(x)k, I ;rlrrrosl tlirln'l wirrrl Io rt:ircl it irrry further. It really was starting to make me uncomfortabte with the prohlems in life I knew I was going to face sooner or latcr. I cvcn felt s<lrt 6l' uncomfortable and a little guilty that I hadn't suffered as badly as your
wife and you and the others you described have. But then I began to feel I had to keep reading for my sake and my family's sake. Somehow, it
seemed that the quality of my life-no-our life, depended on it. your story and the stories of those thrivers you wrote about who suffered so seemed in many ways to feel alive in the way I wished I usually did. They seemed to be immersed in their lives rather than just leading them. It was strange but in a very weird way,

llnl rt lilc lrirtrrnas ntay he co$mic alarnts offered to awaken us t<l the full but we t1|fue1tt, lly ,rtrrl r'lurllt'ttgirtf httt worrdcrfully vibrant chaos tlI living,

nrl

*{ttlrar,* lru,,rtl Irrlltcse itl;trtrtsinordertolearntothriveinourdailylife.One [ittry lrnllr,ril,r w,r\,ut opt'rit sin{er and poet who developed cancer of the larynx.

* xu- g llrr tvrt wlro l'lottrislted through her suffering. She said, "Tell your read:tl lltta hrr rrrr' 'li'll llttrrrl tto[ to lanfluish through their lives until something
lhleltsli llrrlr
lrvr,s.

'li'll them to stop stressing and start

savoringi' Tell them not

11rrlll crrtrtr,llrirrg ntakes them sob bitterly before they find the song in Urtlr ;r,rrl rlrrl .inrf! rl. My only reSret now is that it took my cancer taking my life ir:flre i t?drrSnlzccl that I was taking and wasting my life every day. Cancer is

|li *alf

I sort of envied you and them for

the kind of life suffering seemed to have opened up for you. I guess I
related to that kind of life because of my experiences in the cardiac intensive care unit. some of my patients who were confronting their own death seemed strangely more alive than those of us trying to kepp them alife. Like the cases in your book, their lives had suddenly become so totally authentic. Your book made me decide that I had to make my life and our life more authentic now. I didn't want to wait for a disaster to teach me to thrive. I wanted a more authentic life before something major had to wake me up to it.
One of the first positive psychologists was

h:lff 1X{ ltlort' ltlittful, btrt it works the same way." iltl. ["\\' \{'t\{'t wolllan's words suggest that, by discovering
f qlrpl frrr llrrtvrrrp'1, wc will

be able to avoid the sense of regret for a life not

our God-given fully

Ir!|l q

trnl r,\,r,t Inowitrf we were never truly totally alive. They suggest the puryri=e nl llrtr lrooh lrs t:xlrressed in the warning contained in Oliver Wendell t|lrlrrre;a l,rrrrr,!rl, "Al;rs lirr those who die never havin$ sung and with all their

ttrF

lft llt lltettt."

Paul Pearsall,Ph.D. Honolulu, D ec emb er zo o z

william James. He wrote,

',Thost.

who survive great illness or great loss are twice born. They have drunk too deeplv of the cup of bitterness ever to forget the taste, and their redemption is into ;r universe two stories deep."u I hope those of you who are suffering deeply now will

find some solace, comfort, and confidence in the new psychology presented he rr and its promise of a unique form of invincibility. I hope those of you who havc not yet sipped from the cup of life's bitterness will be able to learn from thosr who have and beEiin now to deepen your experience of living. comedian Art Linkletter is an example of a thriver. He has known tragedy irr his life, but he still has managed to find his path to paradise on Earth. His wortls about his thriving summarize the orientation of positive psychology. when askr,tl how he managed to thrive through so much adversity, he responded, "Thirrgr seem to turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn oul."

who are these people who are making the best of their lives?, what is the nattrrr, of the ordinary magic that constitutes their capacity to thrive and helps thcrl lead a life of meaning that is at least two stories deep? These are the quesrrols with which the new positive psychology concerns itself.
i

t,itrrrr Itto tiOtt:

i ,,',r t

',ttlltritN fo Savoring

,
..

/,,

r',

tlttrt ,r 1,:y;l1plpq1 o-i positfuehumanJunctioningwill

arkethat

i. ,i , t,tt!tltt ,ttl('rstttrrlingnndffictiveinteryentionstobulJdthrhtingin :. , L,,l Litttlttr,,tn,l tornrtrunities."

-Martin
E.P. Seligman and mihal4 Csikszentmihn\i

1,,,/,,1,

r,,,/ I /ll lt'illt

t

r,

,r rt ilrr

| \\,,*, ;r gr6up

r,'ri,,rr',.,1,r'Ilv

of people who had discovered the secret of how to ttlcaningful life no matter how much stress' and often

,t !1,, 1,1,rlrlr't))s they had endured in their lives? What if this group had I i,,, t,, 1,,. rrrvrlr:ible to the Worst crises and had become Stron$er, more ,i,,1 l,,t,l'r{ r lrccAuse of their suffering? What if these thriving souls had

., ! ll,,

pro,r1r r( ttl sccrets of hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope 'r',,rs

ol.ttn negilected evolutionary gifts? ' r trrrrilrl llr,rl lirottp- They are men' women, and children of all aSes from : !i,, ,,r lrl rr,lro lurve learned how to turn life's traumaS intO spiritUal trinow i r, ! , . lr'r\ n llrt' cirpacity to thrive in the way most of us lon$ for, and i!lrrr,

:i r rr,, rr.l,, t.r's;rvoringour liveS inwaySWe may nOteVenhaVe imagined. ,, !,,, I{ I||I(Iwrstkrmof thisseeminglyinvinciblegroupofferseventhoseof !' ' , ,1 r', 1 r'rtl(t:recl deeply a priceless gift' They offer us insight into our . | ,rr,!,r,r,,,l.rlrtltlit'sttlrisetoanyoccasionandshowushowtoleadapleasant'
xxxux

'

ltt IltLlltrtt'rtt I rtr Itt

Itlltilltt,

Itrrtl

footl,ttlt';rrtittglirl,;rtrtl lLrll lilt'rronrirltrrrorrrcirr'rlrrslirrrtt,:,.'l'lrr, lt,ssorrslr.orrrllr,,

tllrivers sllow tlurt lr;rrcl Iitttcs c;rn be Ilrc bcsl ol'l irrrcs lo tlisr.ovr,r sl rcrr,][lts \{r(' I rr.\,, i knew we had, and to discover the guidelinrs lirr hcconring slrongcr, lurpprt,r, ryr,,,, and more in love with life precisely because life itself often seems.so unlovrnrr. This hard-earned wisdom constructs a template for thriving in our gwrr tl,rrlr lives by suggesting trauma-tested guidelines for a much more autlrentic, lirll, ,rrr,l joyful life almost totally free of the nagging fears, daily anxiety and wearine ss, ,rr,,l omnipresent stressors of life's increasingly hectic pace. It offers a way to 1wirl,, r, from what seems to have become our trance of distractibility and daily ficlgr,lrrrll that too often leaves us feeling too busy to love and too tired to care.

, . !!.r, \., rt,, ililil',r, llt;rl ;rrt,rrol likr';rlrlt', w('c;lll ttcvcr liltll atltlttltttic tltas 'i1 ,rlrt rr il t, tr',rl r,, . , i,, , l,,,,ur\'{ ;r:;yt lrolofly luts ltltrttt:cl tlurt self-love should be condif**rfrql ittrit tlrrrr'r.r,, lr,;rrrt,;rtttl wltirt llosilivcpsychologyhaSshOwnreallyCOUntS I 1 rt,, i rrrp, lrlr , r:, llrt' clcvcltlptncnL of earned self-regard based on identifying
|
.,1

1.t rrr1,

,,ilr ilnt(til(,sln,rrgllrs Io grow personal[y throush ourworst tribuWrlfsl lt';tfS.

\\,onr(,tr ol worlcl

.,,.1,' , r,,,ilrr'olll

ii.,

r,i,

r, r!'l

war II are often referred to as the "$reatest

'*fttFt{li,r,

The new positive psychology proposed by psychologists like Mirrrrrr seligman, Mihaly csikszentmihalyi, Suzanne ouellette Kobasa, Air,,rr Antonovsky, and the other scientists you will be reading about are nor proposrrrl' a "happiology" or positive thinking warmed over. It is not a New Age philos,|lrr thatpreaches always thinking good thoughts and loving our inner chilcl. It r,, rigorous scientific endeavor that looks at the importance and timingi ol'c,rr structive negative thinking and balances this with rational positive thinking tr conducts careful studies of those who have risen to and been raised up by llr,
,

i ,! ,rr ,,r,r rr,

l,rrl 1r,',rlrvt' psyc:ltolttfy has learned that they are made of the same

llr|V l;rcr,tl ;r tirne in historytl-ratevokedwithinthemthesame .1rtF1i r \irlllt'1'rlv strlltgtlt.s that are within all of us. whether other $enerarr,rlrrir.t"s

r: , : ,i, i,, l,r,,rt

,

clclr recognition of the magnitude and threats of the

our innate thrive-

,t ,i , tt, rt ,,Irlr,rrrl us irrrd then identifyin$ and applying ,l riii i.. s:r rrr' ,l ,rrr1,1'1 ;rrrcl llctter throu$h our pain.
r

worst of occasions and found clues for how we can all come to savor life irr llr, way they do. Its focus on our highest potential sen,'es not as a replacemenl t.r but a major supplement to and counterbalance of traditional psychology's
Dt.r

, 1, 1'r l1ol011v slrows that we can feel invincible to the stressors and ,,t lrt, ,rrr,l ,rt lrr;rlly use these challengeS as impetus for much more than tr i,r,,,,. : 1 r. ,.,ir! titr "t r'\',is('\ct'nt physical pleasures. It points the way to overcomin$ !
rrr

rt,. ,,, ,el trr rlt(,11 1rltl(rrn emotional disorder-languiShing, or "going through

sistent focus on identifuing and fixing our vulnerabilities. Positive psycholo6iy is not concerned with popular psychology platiturlr,., such as positive enhanced self-image or "high self-esteem" that have servetl ,r,, the basis for most education curricula and psychotherapy. In fact, its studies lurr,r, shown that high self-esteem can be a severe obstacle to our ultimate well-brirrrl and happiness. unconditionally loving themselves no matter anci somelirrrr,,,
because of what they do, mass murderers, drunk drivers, racists, and school brrl lies all measure high on self-esteem.'

tl* ,,,,,ri,,i, rrr lrtl lrtrtl leaches uS how to flourish by embracing the ordinary ir=;= r,,t il |lr..tril(l:, us;rboutthegoodlifeinvigoratedbyasensethatwehave k'lC rrril rtr rt',1 lt',rts, cliscovered and acknowledged our most $laring weakrtf

:=..- r, 'lr:r,rl ortt tttqst powerfully adaptiVe stren$ths, and used the latter not !]rrl. t r, |, i,n lrrtl lo frow stronger and wiser than we ever imagined we were
iit
,,,1,11,,

Positive psychology has learned that a negative self-image is as essenti;rl t,, health and well-being as a positive one, and that insulating ourselves or,rrr

children from critical "negative" thoughts and feelings of shame, guilt, st,ll recrimination, rational pessimism and depression, and deserved low self-regirrrl
only results in it being harder to feel authentically good about ourselves in tlr. long run. It has learned that positive feelings and high self-esteem alienatcrl

.,t ttrr rlrr{.,,tr,rrrs I asked clients comin$ to my Problems of Daily Living I l:,., , \ir r',,tt s;rvorin your life?" The new field of positive psycholoy is , ..,,ri4llr llrr' ,lttrl\r ol goin$ from languishing to flourishing and survivin$ to t,, rtr\'r' l,r,Vclrolrlgists Fred B. Bryant and Joseph Veroff at Loyola

il,,,

31itfti1.:

from the exercise of true character and the real application of construc{iv. strengths leads to life disappointment and even serious depression. It has clis covered that if we don't deeply feel failure when it is fact, and failto dislike orrr
xxxiv

I , ,,! t,,,,rrilr,rl llrt,studyofthe"savoring"skil1.'Theyhavefoundthatluxu,',i :, ! i lirrl' r,lr,lrittf, manreling,andthanksgivinEi don'thavetobethingswe i ' . .r, .rl r,,' ,r rr1 st)('ciill occasions and holidays' Like other positive psychology !,, , tl,, 1 l,.rvt. lirtrntl that these are WayS we Were made to live every day. , ! i!, 1, r, lrolofly has discoveredthatitseemsto be the particularly tough r: : ,,, !,r, rlr ri ,rr, llrc best suited forbringing out our "savorability." We Seem | ' i!,, ,,r,,rt, r.,rp;rcity lo come throUgh life'S criSes tO lead a daily life in
, I

xxxv

ltiit rtrlll, ! trttt

.'rirlrv{ ril

llx

r.v rt

livirrrl

|,!

tr','r\ .,,lr,t,lr .t rrr,wirrt rl'f,'r*tr

;rry ln)l)lor. ll vi.r{s

,,Lrr

:::::l'::'i:" ro mose who h "f.^f* ^ur live

and the comfort of

most rccognizable by their ability to live their lives jn accordance with tJr(,., components of savoring and to live
exceeded the level of the

level thatwe los all sense of ourse lves ;I rlt lwurialmg in the most slmpie sensual pleasurs lr(r| \rl our attention seems so often distracted. The thrivers I studi;d $,ere firsl . r,I |
a

in life's daily pleasures to such

Ir,j , ,. ,
r,,

,r.,r,,,1,,.|,,!h\'rtrrreinr)Lrrcontinuingdevelopmnt. ,,, lr/.,r,r,fftr:,

sufering in tbeir

them with an intensity that mat(tr,t

lNes.

, r,tt,,

ttr,..rtirr |sychologist's office begins not with the question,

,,,,,r, r.rrtr

Jryff\n

the Instde

Out

ess|rr,., , | !,, r,,t" itr,rl $e are all either in denial ofor rcovery from some t,, , , I f, .. t,,rt l)ositive psycholo!, is interested less in ho\{ we can ., .,,,,,,t,\..,)rr)irry(rfusseemtodiscoveywaystoflourishinourlives. nonrrrl, ..r. Iu,t,,irv t,t rrseson the unappreciated ordinar rnagic of our innat Wlrll\\1.. ,,, Lt ..,rrLl lift es. It looks for the best within us and exmines our xill)r,h t,,,, t!. r I in the research as our innate ability to floudsh despite .,, norma]lifemaybethemajorobstacletoamoreauthenticallygmtifyjng|j|.,''''|''LL|llteir.lttrrrsl-ances',Sincethelate1980s,researchinthisgro
or hard work. l t attributed joyfulness to outsidc t,r and ssentially to the absence of sadnss and stress. It has trierl to und(,l..r., ltell-being by studying thos who aren't weil. Its objctive has been throuh th absence ofpathotogy. But tbis book looks at the highlevei have leamd that happiness is much more than absence ofsadness.It the experinces and lssons ofthosewho have larned that what ue acttt,t

.. ur( ltsurtolgood rortune

since its beginnins, psychologv has assumed that happinss is

rbuse, scxual pyoblems, disorders and addictions, and .,,,.,,tr,,.,,,,tlt,rfi,lstoourwell being. The assumption ofpathognic ps]
"1

, ' ',,, ",

f,,||? b.l, what's right?" It\ not conceyned with what is or ,! $,11,,,\.'llr(rclreplentyof sourcestofriEhtnusaboutourdystr.,r,.,. t,f,,t)|lsions, codependence, suffering inner children,

tr

mystudies of thrivers \tho leamed to savor their lives, I have rli$c(^,fr,,t . that the suffedng, deprssed, and suicidal see[ much more than recoverv wh* Isaw ihem as my patienLs. learned rhar ,h"; ;;;;', h,u,, .;. I:lll,"'" rrore tnan a.return to normai Like ali ofus. ihey wanted to fel much mor| ,.,,, oKavagam lhy wre in sarch ofglee, notjust the cessation of gloonr. t.,t,, persons who had known a kind ofspiritual starvation, they wantd to be ll,l, r, not just taste life again but to savor it like nevr before. They wanted much , r, tnan to get rid ofthir symptoms-and this js the goat ot po"itive psycint,,ll\ This fascinating neu field has discovered that rruppir"r. ir-# ju"i lr, . absence ofunhappinss or th prcsence of lucky circumstances. It rev^rs,r,,r assumption by saying that unhappinss is the absen* rr *r *tr-r .t t" ,i: r, tule.l the psvcholoElv of optimum human firnctioninA, .,, ,r :]l"t::; wnat rr l:::t:t'Tt rs learnrng about us offers confidence that we can deal with what w()r. it offers great comfoft and hope regardmg our capacity to ltrr\. 'lo lj_llj rnrougnout our lives no matter what happens to us.
r

In

rt r shadowed by the nelhhvism of the pathololiy orintation. ,r, t,.f, tr,l.a! shows that, in spite ofth stress and uMvoialable tran,,,,,,,,,,,r,.,r..{,h.!'rrhbeingalive.rhemajorifyofussrillrnanrgetomain,,r r,L,,,r trrl) adaptability and achieve increasingly joyful bliss.'But ,r,.,, r,,,,,,r+,,r perhaps a personal disposition that dnws them to their I r ,, t, ,rf:, t\ n d other mental health professionals have faild to pay

'r,

,,

,,

, .,.

rLt

, r."{l

news that positive psychologists are offering.

rr,,r,,rt,,fbix)ksthatofferpathstohappinessseemtoassumethat

..r

,.

r,, r,,r,,rr*somebasicflawinourcharacterorresistthegravityof | |,rr irrd malais in orderto reverse our downward psycholog, r v, psychology challenges the assumption that we are som, ,

r1 ,.,,

,',.,r,,rrginaworldthatisjusttootoughandcruelaplacefor
t\'rsistently happy and positive.lt asserts that ouy emotional ,,,,|r nn)ving upward and that we can, ifwe choos, liveina

t.

r.,r,,,ldiscoveryratherthanchronicrccovery.

xxxyt
!

xxxttl
&

tu trtt-ilil,t,o1 l tlt lttl' ovt:r tlte

Itilrolurliut

'l'.sectrhrr pathogenic orientation has ftlcused <ln risk more than resources. l)hilosoplrr,r ,\ll,r.|l Camus captured that orientaticin when he said that the furemost question lirr Plrrkrr,4,lu is why we should not kill ourselves. Positive psychology sugggests that thi.s qucst r* , ,rr l be answered by curing depression, studying the chronically depressed, or acccr)rriH il idea that we are basically weak, dysfunctionar beings prone to despair and in nccd ,| rr rrr apy. It suggests that we should remain alive because no matter how bad we fee r, wr, lr,*r resources, stren$ths, and virtues that can help us leam from and through our.s.uh rr,,,r
ar

lir'st lrttrttlrt'tl v(t;trs llr;rl rrsvclr,krAy;rrrtl ;rsyclrirrlry lurvc llurrr ll,;rlrrr1l rh r l plinc.s, llt4rular ltltikrst4tltic.s, culttrrirl rrrytlurlogits, arrcl lirrrrr.s reli{i,rr,

fnllr'gr

tlrr.6

l,'r1'r'llologv irssumes the worst about us, seeing us as basically lflngr rlrivt'rr hy animistic impulses pulsaling just beneath a [hin veneer ;lrltllrrt':,r,. Willrout strong evidence, it begins with the assumption that einrrlirrrr ,rrr' ;rttlont:rtic and natural, while positive emotions are short1s1,

l,r

rlr'rivltl Irortt ltard work, good fortune, or stringent control of our

ilttely r rrg-,rl rt,r' I tttcottsci<lus. lh t',rErurr':'r lo lrt'of help to those with serious psycholoical problems, rFll ,rrr'l l'.'t't'lti;rlrv ltave paid most of their attention to the dia$nosis and

we savor life again' Instead of studying the depressed,

leam foom those who have shor.vn the capacity to flourish despite trauma in tlre ir rrv'q

it focuses on the elatei.l iuxt

lr r|.1 tr!

Pre-Fall pgtchology one of my music teachers once told me that Mozart's music was so iirrlrrl didly wonderful that it might have been written before the Fall. Nearlv rvr,rt.

I rrl lr,rllroloHy;rtrtl the attempts to control the sinister undercurrents of Ilttr pror:r:sscs. 'l'hese fields have made remarkable progress in estabr.dlsr:ri nl t'rrrotional distress and in developing various therapeutic and lrrgtr ;rl rnllt'Vctttions that treat formerly untreatable mental illnesses. Iteve g:tternlly l;riled, hswever, to concern themselves with what constitutes
kerlc

l,' lrtglt h'vcl mental

1rn1,r

hardiness.

hxttrr r

ancient culture has a mythology of a primordiar time when humanity live d a rltrr ple, ioyful, and magical existence in attunement with Nature.s rhey teaclr llral this Golden Age came to a sudden end-the Fail when our human consciorr$,r,ii somehow became separated from its divine source and the innate gioodness r*rrl loving kindness that characterized it.
Psychology reflects the cultures from which it springs, so it has embract,tl the idea of our Fall. one of positive psychology's founders, Dr. Martin E. p. serigrrrarr, refers to the view that happiness is somehow undeserved and inauthentic;rr rlre
rrr,rl

lrul rply is alrplying the powerful scientific method used for so long ol thc abnormal to the study of the normal thriving people livlr llr,r'q lrr rrl;rlivr lrappiness. The word "pathologly" derives from the Latin, llF rludy of the passions," and positive psychology sees growth in the
nr:6J1'11

t! lllr

rr llrrrrrgllrt o[ as associated with the word "passion."

It is looking for

F**r 19 for ntt ardent love of life that can come from enlightened suffering. S lle,,rr1,lr,r',rs r)n oLlr flaws and frailties, psychology seems to have lost its

Irlr lor llrt' h;rsic nature of the subjects of its study. It has failed to see b{ftttut ltttttr passion for a happy life, the ordinary maSic that keeps them
Hlr a grrrrr,rllv rrpward psychological trajectory no matter what life events

caused the appre t, gcr bitten is still there in the form of an archetypically damaged and weak charaqt.r Even when one of us rises to the occasion to show apparent extreme artrtrirrr, pathogenic psychology distrusts what it sees. After Eleanor Roosevelt dedic;rlr,rl much of her life to helping people who were black, poor, or disabred, scv*irl pathopsychologists wrote that she was only compensating for her mother,s narr,rr sism and her father's alcoholism.'when we seem too happy for too long, path.,ry chology assumes that we must be in some form of denial or regression to be crrr'r! only by facing the gloomy "realities" of life and failings of our own psvche.

something about us went wrong and that we have fallen and are constantly stru gling to get up. It thinks that some innate weakness and evil narcissism still lrrrkr just beneath the surface. It still embraces Sigmund Freud,s ideas that we arc g{rv erned by a selfish id barely controlled by a fragile ego. without a shred of st,ir,rr tific evidence, it is convinced that whatever it was that

"rotten to the core" view of human nature.6 psychology has rong assumed

lrrrrlr,r,rr rlt, b;rck. F rr{lrnronrrrs who are awed by what they see, physicists glorying in the rrf llrl rlrr,rnlrrrtt world andbuzzingparticles they can't see' or anthropollfrartr.llrryr rrr llrt't:rcativity and adaptability of ancient civilizations, psycholo311,,l l 1 r l r,',rll l r t'irrc professionals seemed to lose sight of their reverence for

lutrrurtr spirit. The word "pathology" also refers to the study of the ff*filrul ., 1,,1ll1rr11r'nicrrlly oriented psychologists look for neuroses' complexes, Ht,.l, rrlttrlr ',1'111,,1 inrpulses held in check by repression. They overlook the norf*, r rl:,, n r,rllr( ,rrrrl re markable adaptability of the human character.

# H

klryll k

ttl t lr'iltlt li'rrorism

,lr, rrr' lurs firmly embraced psychology's pathogenicview, or perhaps

}|,ol.,r, rr,
ff,,.*t=,

i lrr(' lvl;rvbe psychology's

attempt to emulate what

it

sees as the

xxxviii

I ltt lttr'lltot'Ltt Lt, t,tt

Ittlt rrrlttt I trttl

s('t(rllIilic rtrsPt'cl;rlrilitv ol tttt'rlit irrt' ;rct'ourrls lor ils p,rllro;x,ssiltis1r. Wlr,rl.r,,,r rt,, rcilsoll, ttltrdicittt';rtttl psyt'ltolofv strtdy llrost'wlro lrn'ill; llrt'y sct,tlrt,ir.\rlrlrrr,r.rl,rti
tie.s, ancl

.r irr, lr,, r,l,rl, lrrrrlorlrtrrlrlt'lV lirr r'lrot'oltolit's, trol tltt: rrtosl ,rllttrlclirrrI lat)

corlstal)lly wilrlt us;rbotrt our wcakncssrs. As I nrt:rrliorrctl t,;rrlit,r.

,il,
r1':

l,rirr r'. ,lr,lr",lr'rol lt'rrt'ls or llr;rl r'ltot'olittt cttrttitit-ts;r sr-rhs[ance that

rlcr',r1,

;11 l,r,r,r
,,r

the Joumol ol-the Amerir:ult Me(licul tls.srx'iulfunt rel)ortcd lh;rt 75 tx,r(r.rt

liglrl lllllr

Americans are now officially "diseased," accorcling t<l currcrrt nrcdiurl t.liirrlrro:;lri , ri teria.s From this point of view, we will soon see the extinction.l.the wt,il rr,,r ,,,,
species. Because of my research and clinical work in psychoneuroimrnunor(),,\,. .,,, | often asked to speak to meclical students. \{hen I recently asked one of p}v sllrl, rir

:' ,!!i, r' ir,,r'.nr ,rrrtl rls ;rssrtrrrptiorts .rbout our vulnerabilities have taken i' .l tlrr lrrrr 'll r,l lrlr'. ll t'orrst;rntly warns us about ourweak points and how
!riirrg ,r'r r rtr'\' lll('
r
rrrost

to define a "well" person, she answered, "someone we have not yet thoror-rgl lv r rr I ically evaluated'" Such is the dominance of the pathogenic model in medic;rl lrirlrr'r: Modern medicine's pathogenic view results in a subtle but pervasivt' hirr,l ,,i health terrorism constantly warning us about the newest risk to our healtlr Here are some examples of the current health terrorism basecl on ilrt,rr,rrir
r r ,

'.,,,,,, 1r'.tr,rrr1'1 r,, , r,,l,,rrl,rr

rrtiflrt kill u.s. The new positive psycholo$y suggests 1llr;rnwcthinkandhavebeentold,anditsuggeststhat lirrt's irr thc roleof theworriedwell orhealthhostage.

t,,,,,r tl,, t lt,lth /lt'/uir/r415

ogenic point of view:

'

Health terrorists warn women about the ever looming threat of brea.sl cirrr, , , but seldom remind them that 95 percent of them will die of causes otlrt,r tlr.,,, breast cancer.
!

:r. rl,, , , i t,lr{)rr ol c;rt;rstrophic trauma and immediate threats to our ,, t'rt rr,lr,rl lrt'r'Ds rrs alive or kills us remains amedical mystery. People .rt,,,,,1r,,rl ;'r1 1l1, 1iorrs should die young often don't, and those who it .r, ,,1,1 ,i,'t trr,,rllt'ntkr.'l'hefieldof positivepsychologysuggeststhatthe

i t,, tr.,r.rrl'\
r

i .., , r .rlrrrrl

nrirv rrrst in part in learnin$ less about why we et sick and rvlrV wr don't become ill and why we thrive.

Based on the ever present

"nutrition pyramid" designed by attorneys w()ll\rrr:

for former senator GeorEie McGovern, we have been told for years to eat rr L,rr fat, high-carbohydrate diet or die young. This is the exact opposite of wlrrr , rr, rent research is now revealing about the danger of too much carbohvdr;rlr. ,rri,i

, rr';,l, llr,l vou can try to see how needlessly pessimistic the patho, , l r,, , . \'uln('r'irl)ilily" view can be. Think of relatives who lived in realrr,rlllr rrrlo tlrcir 80s. Now answer this question about that person. , ,r r',l,rrrl lv worried about their diet or lack of aerobic exercise, vig=,r ' l,rr,lr lrlrtt, low hrt diet, work outatthe gym three times aweek, and
g,,,,,1
a;.,!! I ltrl

,trtl

the myth that eating fat makes us fat.

!!
t

rFgll rr t,ln".r,,rl t'xirtns and medical testing? For must of us, the answer to

while warning us to go on

a low-fat cliet, medical terrorism doesn,t

rep,rr

rrr.rr

,,ir

those of us who have a reasonably healthy weight and blood pressure w{rrr,i add only about 30 to 90 days to our lifespan by doing so.

l,

r,

rr Lrlrvls whoviolatedalmosteveryhealthwarningand lived long

It warns us of the threat of high cholesterol, but seldom counterbalanct,s rrrr danger with the fact that we need choresterol to stay healthy and to rr;rr,,
pleasing sex life.

. !r \\, ,l ,, l'111;111 0l people who seemed to religiously try to follow every i'i ',,'iri;' rrrl ,lrrt'clive and yet died young. There is something more that . i ' 1,, lr,,rlllrr,, ;rrrd that something more is the concern of positive psy-

trim and have buns of steel, but it doesn't encourage (rs r'rrr, the news that having a butt larger than our waist might be a sign ()r.,,,r,,1
nags us to be

It

!!. r' ' "'rr',1 , l;ril to look at "the other group" in their research. For , , ,, , lr, r ', lr;rve shown that being overweight, not exercising, having i f ,i, rrrr'.,rr)tl srroking result in about a 30 percent chance thatwe
I l' ilr

health. (while a potbellied apple shape can be a danger sign, a pear shapt, rrrr |

It tells us that chocolate is not good for us, but it doesn't report that s,rrrr, xl

,,r

lr.rrr rtrrr''lr"l'lrt'v luil to ask about the other piroup, the T0 percent who ..,r rr'rrrl, rrr llrt'st: unwise behaviors don't die prematurely. They show litr',, I I r,,{) t)('r.ccnt of those people with three or more of the major risk !. ril rr,,t rlit ol a heart attack.!'This pathogenic view causes us not to , i { | lr'.rlllry lirre.st because we are too busy looking for diseased trees. xli

L*
I

ltt

Ii

';1111t1';11

,1,1,t1

Inlt,t'ltt' !r,,tt

gct lllorc slc(rl). Wt slrorrltl slolr tkrirrg llrt,obviorrsly slrr,rrl ll,r, that might kill u.s and stilr[ doirrg tltc r.:lrirrly wiscr llrirrA.s tlr;rt (,ulliur, chances to live lc-rn$er and well. Norrethelc.ss, tlrrre is .sorrrellrirrg l, lrr. lr,r,,, fromthehealthreprobateswhoseemtobeabletothrive
eaL less, alld
,

)l ( ()lll\(" ll() ()ll(' l.ltottltl llin()l( ( r)rlnr()n5( n\( ttrt.tltr..rl irtlt,rt r. \\,,,,, slrotrltl gt'l Ilt;urrttrogliuns, n()n(,ol trs slrottltl srrr.,lrt., trltl vt,t,sltttttlrt 1t{)\,r rr!
(

t.lcspitctlrt.rrs.rrr,r,,,

cavalier disregard of rnedicine's dictums. what lessons cr, thcy rr.rvt, r, rr.r, i, about thriving? Positive psychology addresses this and many othcr ttut,str,rr ,, attempts to reverse the prevalent reductionist and negative orient;rlr()rr .r i! health sciences by trying to learn from ordinary day_to_clay thrivers.

, r,',,, lr,,rr.rl I lrrir' t" , lt,rt lt' :'ltttt lltlllil lll()lt' tttt'olvt'tl lrt tt llt;rtt . i i , lt rll, rri'rr;',r lr,r:,:'ivt, lt'ltt livt', r'ttlttt'r;rltlt'lttttll;ttt :i\j:ilt'lll. , i ,,, lrrrr,r ll llri rrr,rttrr:l ro l;ttrlll rl tts ltttvt'(o ketll Ihc gcrm.s tlut <lf ii (r ' ,i, l, 1, r l.rrr.,.rlr,r. {;un(' l() r1ttt'sliort lris gerrrt tllctlry and tl're "tlttt,,,lr r, r rl,lr,r",1,,'," itlr';r. orr lris tlcirthbccl, hc is reporLed to irave said, i i i,,'tlrrrr;,, llrt :,oil is t'vt'rvtltittA." llc trcattt thatthe body's strengths ' ,rL ' {turpp('(l lo tlell with the bacteria, viruses, and other ,ti,,, rt \\''lrlllrt'r' or rrrl lrr ;rctuallV said these exactwords, he did !, ,ii tlrr , ,., lrr',rvtl1, 1r;rllrogenic mtldel ttf life and health; and positit'c I ,,, tl,, ., ,,nn( r;rrt'slions. What about the nature of the "soil"? ls ,: , ,,, i ,,,,',, r,",rlrr'nl llrlrrt wrr hitve ever imagined? Positive psychology is
1,,,1,

Qt ati oning Ko ch s p o sfulat e one of the fundamentar precepts in modern meclicine that untrt,rlr, j: pathogenic view is Koch's postulate. It clerives from the work of ,.i.{.tl! !i,i century Nobel prize-winning German physician Robert
illness (tuberculo.sis). Later, French scientist Louis pa.steur set forth lrr,, r,,,. theory idea that ,rrr.r rr,i.
,
;

', r, ,rl l{ rr.rrr ;rrrtl discttvering that the answer is yes.

,!r

ri r/t ( ,iii \ rl / (tllq WdJ

,,

first researchers to identify a specific cause (the tubercle bacillus) ft)r;r

Koch. He wirs orr.

rr i!

,,1r,,,i

theory agreeing with Koch that a single outside agent causes disease. Koch's pathogenic view was based on the germ

,.rlrlr' grs1,r'lrology does nol suggest thatwe can or should 'i,,,,r r,, rtrvr'l\' ll slrows lhatwe need our negativity but must be r i,i l,,i rn r.rl ( r'r rr l lrorrght processes or direct our lives. Srtme degree
!i'
t,,
r

druguseorsuddenantloverwhelminginfection,bacteria,viruses,and,lrr,,r

targets, not strons and resilient beingis capable not only of surviving bu r .| | | ,, ing through an outside attack. The problem with Koch's hypothesis is that, with the exception of in t rr^,,,r i, ,.
,

us and cure the illne.ss. The "injectee" seemed alrnost irrelevant, so th. t.,r1,,r,,, to thrive despite attack was not considered. we became seen as ever vrrrrrr.r ,! :.

agent.Avoidthecau.seandlive,orkill thepathogenthathasfoundirswir',r !:

given bacteria or virus into a person causes the disease related to th;rl .rrr

, ', , l,( ,r l,,r n r ol sttperstition based on the idea that we are some,,, r!, 1,, r l l;rri r11 the univer.se to trip us up when we start thinki lt ,,,r\ .rl:,o lrt'lp us get through the stress and strain of daily ,' ,'' llr, l,,oliout lbr the worst and causing us to be pleasantly
,

rr

.i, r,,

rl,rrr;, lrt llt'r lrappens. But a little negativity goes a longway. il,rrrl rrrl' ,rrrrl li'rlings may often seem more immediate and press,

r,,, r,,l,,r1qrrt'rl tlratway in order to override our positive, easygo-

,,,,.

strong psychoiogical immune system, which you wilr read about rater. we are much stronger than Koch and pasteur assumed. we have trrr, ,,r1,, ity to thrive through attacks on our system. outside agents may be nec.s:;, | | \ i, us to become sick, but they are not sufficient. For example, the majority,l rri, who test positive for the tubercle bacillus never deverop tuberculosis. Mrr,r ,,r, are infected with the infTuenzaviruses don't develop the flu.,,, Most of trr,:,, ,, r, go through terrible psychological events don't develop serious mentar irrrr,

side agents usually have to deal with us. That is, they have to make it thr'r11,r, ,,,, bodies'immune, neurohormone, and other defense systems. The same rs rrrr, psychotoxic agents such as outside sources ofstress that have to clear ilrrrrr,,,,

! !l,,1, \\'( lr,rrrt' eonre to take our more subtle positive feelings and , l, r ri rr, r l l',,,rr r',, rlt' lurve become used to them as a part of what makes :, t,,,l.rv lrr t rllrrr case, positive psychology suggests thatwe look
,

! '

, , t' ,,rlrvl llrinking that causes us to thrive. It suggests that, by r , I r, ,rl l. r't'tliscover the joy of living, loving, and working.

r
l

,'r ,/

':,ll
l r,

tllf

Book

,' l1 ' , ,r

,u' [o-do-it book. I will offer tests and simple science

,' it
,,

,,

rr,rrrl io try to help you learn more about lhe thriving ,llr lr,rvt'to do is read and reflect. You may find that there

'r',' r| | | r, l Irr.ivcrs' stories that awakens your own psychological

xlii

rliii

t,t r(ill,ttt,(,t l;trclnl

Introlut liott

psychology that trrrt.lrr,r how to thrive by gradually developing your own untque explanatory syslrrrr i by copying or trying to comply with someone
else,s.

psychoimmunity. You will not have t<.r keep a diary, write a.ssignnrernls l,,r r,, self, or set aside time every day to do something. This is a book about growing through, not coping with, adversity. ll,r ,r learning lessons from the new research in positive

rllr)rrity, llrrt llrere i.srt't a se[ <ll'steps y.u havc 1, takr, irssiilrrrrt,rrls \,r,rr have ltr clo, or it pr(.]grilllt you will lrave to.st;rrt irr orclcr to rcirlizcvo.r ,,rrr

kl

fi*.*, nlu llrl rrst'irrclr ;rnd trrrr: storics that sttbstarrtiatr:

l-he cxistence

$$trrt

lrt ivr.,rlrt

I t | 1,.

llrt rrrid.st oIor ant.icipating a serious crisis or tragedy llfF i,r'ii rr,r\' \v;rrrl lo rurd part 2 first. It is offered in the form of a lJrrirle llr,rl lrrlslrrls lilc lcssons learnedbythosewhohavealreadyrealaf F I

rnlrrllv

rn

the very same natur:rr rrrrrr,i magic that is within each of us, the ability to decide to fuily engage our pr'hr, rr learn and grow from them, and become stronger because of them. You will read about thriving superstars who honed their thriveabilitv rr r ,r art, but they were only developing a talent
have been born more easygioing, laid-back, ready to creatively figure ilrr.rr through their problems, and naturally upbeat. But other thivers we all have. Some thrivers dicr
sr,r,rrr
rr

This is not a book about the popular idea that "tough times never rRrt ! tough people do." with the exception of their decision to tap into thcir rr,rrr' ability to construe events in such a way that their lives became ."n*..,r ti,r,, their pain, the thrivers I interviewed didn't seem to be naturally tougrr.r r most of us. what strengith they had derived from

lhrivl q trrvrnr'rlrrlitv irrrd l'rom the groundbreaking research of positive fe \lllr rr',rrlrrr[ llrc'l'hriver's Manual, return to read part I so that he al'lr lu nn(lcrstarrd the theory and science behind the thriving
F dr: rr,rn\"".rrrviv;rl fuides," but part 2 is a "thrival guide." It is frr lrr tlt ylrr lo corrsirlcr the four primary distinguishing characteristics

fflrrtllllr
rtilli

,rri rllrr',1 r,rliorr lnrm my study of

llrrorrfllrcrisis-hardiness,happiness,healing,andhope.The thriving, the important influence

gr',y1 111,;,,gir.:al

1?l: tttrrrlt'l l'r'lro ittl.lttcnced our lives and provided emotional momen-

lfi

rrlrrr',rr

rl

trajectory.

naturally thriving-talented still managed to thrive in their own way and ti'rt, It is a mistake to see thriving as an extraordinary respons.. tutany

rr,o r.r,l,,,,i
of thc rrrvrrli

llttlr,,.rii tr'lx)rl rt'rrrcrnbering one strongi, nonparental adultwho served lltllyirrg rrrll rrrorlt'1. While parents can of course also serve as thriving hlril ',1 llrr',r'u'lro llrrived said they had an additional person in their flnr4d tltt,trr ltow to be invincible. One of my thriving models was my r lll llrr rvt'r s I irrte rviewed often identified grandparents as thriving

gram.

remained engaged ritn il.,ri, rl,,ilem, protected their core identity, and kept seeking and finding new adaptive m:prl. ing in life and about themselves. They were in a state of discovery not recoy* y There are no quick fixes offered here. I wilr offer lessons from research irr |,r*i tive psychology and the stories of the thrivers that will show you ways you nrigrrr r*6 into the power of your own psychological immune system, but thriving rs rr'l process than goal and more an evolving philosophy of life than a step by src' 1r111

ry*l :]:t:.r"::::i1e -st3ries fT for themselves, questioned God and their faith, bramed others, asked ,.*hy rrcr and did all the thin$s the self-help books often say we should not do wht,rr frrra with a challense. However, through it alr they

y'tr

be reading sometimes whined, cursed, fetr

fitd ttl' gr,ll!(lrril wirs no exception. XlHrilrlrtrr,rrrtl rt'vit'wtheideasaboutthriving, Iendwithadiscussionof

llfp l,'uu,'r,
li:,1 plivt'rr me by

my grandmother Leita Schlieman when she

hlrr lr,r,l ''rrf'li'rrd terribly in her life, yetwas one of the strongest, hap-

illal 1111,1,',''lrlc women I have ever known. Shewas far from perfect llrt retttp ll;rws wc all do, but she seemed to thrive nonetheless.
t, ',1 lr'r l,rrrrilv complained about the dirty deal reality was handing wrlilrl l,rrr11lr ;rrrtl say, "Just remember, you don't have to face reality. Flnhp tr;rlilv tleal with you." li:i :ltrl rrn' ,rrrrrls irnd uncles wouid often sit with us for hours listenf

lh? r-,1r,' llrrr lr ,rs we stare at the television screen now we would all look gtiall t'1,r,, rr'lrr'rl llrc slation numbers on the dial glowed. Itwas an exerlhe I'ii,,l

A Guideto Thr{ving
This book is divided into two sections. part 1 describes the new fiercr itive psychology, the nature of thriving, and 'r 1r,e the ways in which your psych.r'gh al immune system works to make thriving possible. It is the theoretical part rf lh

llr, rlr,rl. u't'could form our own images from the sound. One day t )rlr' lo .loy" came on the radio, Grandma said, "Listen care&etlr,,, $ tfral rlt,rl rrr,rrr':. rrrtrsic. Always remember, you are much stronger than llral ,.rrr lr.rplrur lo you, so you must never allow life to play you. No

'l

, rr',rlrvt' consciousness associated

with the thriving response.

t'urk'l

,rt
r

rr

*llal

lr,r1'1,, rr',.

,rlwirys be the composer of your own life's symphony."

xliv
xh,

thrive.

a moment befure c'ntinuing your readins ,f ilrrr to think about a thriving rore moder you may have had in your own rife. I prr my grandmother's words at the end of this book as a way to rekindre mrt1rr of those who taught you how to thrive. I hope this book w'r cause you to r:r and re-embrace the lessons of that special person who, rike Beethoven, tlerp the trials and tribulations and ail the frailties of being human, stilr manag*d

I hope y,u wilr pause

PART I

ffirtv{ng through the toug6 rimes

nfde
hown
mokr

phtcc,

ftf

r*r

luavcn of hell,

*Hfh*wr,"
-JohnMilton

xlvi

I A Lfe rully Lived

" You gain strengfh,

clurage, and conJidenceby everSt experience in which

to

yu

rrtrlly stop tolookfear in thefacq.You are able to salt

1ourselJ,'tlivedthrouSr

thlshorror.t can take the next thingthat

comes along."'

Rooseyelt

-Elennor
| *strnsfrom

aLuclg Dog

When I was dying of cancer, I often read the classified ads. Reading about the rrrrlirrary, simple daily issues of life seemed to offer some comfort and hope that

lrcrlrirlts someday
nlrorrt
{

I would be free enough from my pain to become concerned such often silly and mundane thiqgs. One ad caught my attention and
thriving response, our in our lives. It
missing.

rruricd me to reflect on the nature of positive psychology's

trrrurte ability to flourish through and often because of the trauma

rr',rtl, "Lost Dog. Blind

in left eye, one ear, no tail, patches of hair

lft'ccrrtly hit by a car. Answers to the name Lucky."

I laughed to myself as I thought about the contradiction between the poor rLr{'s o&rre and his life experiences. As a reflected on his plight, I began to think llrlrc might be some wisdom to be gained from this simple ad. I thought about
||

rr strange paradox that this dog had gone through a series of terrible experiences was luclqy enough to be loved and longed for by his ownqrs. I wondered if he

\v,rs aware

rrrrrch. Did he know he was lucky

on some level of the value of his living because he had endured so just to be alive and to be missed? I wondered if
dog-consciousness way that he had been more fortunate

lrl could know in some

llti l\rrllttYitt I rtrlrtt

,\ l tli l trllt't
s(, nliury problerrrs.,l'l rr reircl.y;rrrcl willing t, gt.r

n'L,l

l,lr;rvtr;r lirrrrily wlro ltcllrt:d lrinr tlrr,rt{lr dog lrad becrr through thc nrill but lrad;rPPirrcrrtly lrcrrr on with life. Ile was at the very least a survivor.
llurrr ttt,sl tkrfs

,r',rl lrlrrr ns. All lrrrl otrr ll;rsit'strrviv:rl borly svsltrrrs.sl-tttt dowtt, and wr etttcr
, : ' , r, r ,rlly t rrlirbolic or "eltergy-burrring" lil'esaving mode.

I kept the ad on my bed stand for weeks and I stilr have it. one day when rrr' nurse was about to throw it away, I decided to call the number in the ad to sec il the dog had ever been returned to its owners. I was reluctant to call for fear I would only upset the family if the dog had been lost for good, but I made the c;rll anyway. A little girl's voice answered and I asked to speak to her mother or fathe i. She said, "lf you're someone else calling about Lucky, we already have him
He's fine and PlaYing

r.rl yr';ns irgo, l)r. Ilerbert llenson of llarvard University described the ol 'r,,',ll{ llrt stress response, a natural human response he called therelaxt!,,u tt'.\lton\,,-' Wlren we intensely mentally focus, meditate, or pray, our ,,,, Lrlr'lr,rn slows down, our blood pressure drops, our heart rate lowers, and ,,, I'r.rrr t;rlrns down and enters a less aroused and agitated state.
r

with us."

back.

, rIrrrrI rt spoltse to life's challenges issuruiual. Whenwe are under severe stress

The mother came to the phone and

was calling. she expressed

her concern for me and reassured me that Lucky wa.s and is really doEi thriving [her wordl] on all the attention he,s giet "a very lucky ting." she added, "You should know that his name before all of his problems wa.s Ralph. we changed it when he kept coming through all his troubles and seemed
happier than when he was

I explained who I was and from where

tlrrt';rl, rnechanisms in our body and brain go into lifesaving action. The ,iri ,lnrls down the body systems we don't immediately need and activates il" ' ., ',r'slt'rns we must have to stav alive and survive an immediate threat.
,,,,1

r,!

r,,1111f 1

just a Ralph."

rcsponse isrecouerg. During this response, the body's systems return

i"

l'.rl,rrrt't';rnd the damage done by its prolongedwarlike state begins to heal.

I reflected for hours about what this woman said. I thought how in a strange way with which I was still mentally grappling, I too was lucky. I certainly didn,t feel lucky to have cancer, but even at the worst of times I felt a delightfully fling sense of being more authentically and intensely alive than when I was con_ sumed in my busy career. r felt fortunate to feel an even deeper love for and from my wife and family, a love I wonder if enough of us fully realjze until there is very little time left to savor it. I told myself then that I would be sure to tell this in the book I hoped to write about the thriving response.
baf_

it \\', ,u('truly recovering, we may even experience the relaxation response.

\ trllll

rr.sponse, resilience, involves completed recovery and

full return to a

l,r,'lr;rrrrna" state. The person is no worse off for the wear and tear and is able r,, lrrnclion again in ways that may surprise those who have not experienced
rr,
1'1,

lr llirrlrna. Resilience is the body's and mind's capacity to bounce back comlr'11';rnd unharmed from the trauma they have endured. Our physiological

story

runrune system makes it possible for us to repair ourselves and return to our t,r,",lr.r'ss level. Resilience is essentially getting back to our normal state and a
i, r'r'l

Six Reacf ions to

Llft:t challengu

ol functioning typical of most people who have not been under stress.
and the focus of this book, is the thriuing response.This

thriving, it is helpful to first understand its place in the to the challenges in our lives. since the 1980s, psychology cycleofourresponse has been studying the stress, relaxation, survival, recovery, and more recenfly the resilience response. In the late 1990s, a sixth response was identified positive
To learn more about psychology: our

\ ',rrllr response,
,

,l)(

)rrse

allows us to bounce back beyond normal and to function stronger and

rr r, rr

natural thriving response, defined as stress-induced growth. Here are six human responses to the stress and strain of life:
a

by

r' ioyfull! than we did before our trauma. It occurs because we have a powilrrl psychological immune system that acts in much the same way as our

1'lrr':,rological immune system. This system has its own set of rules and ways of ,l,,rling with the emotional "antigens" that can "infect" our consciousness.

. when we perceive

life event that goes beyond our presently conceived capac_

alive,

ity to cope, our stress response kicks in. Unlike the following five responses, thi.s one is automatic. Because our brain's primary mission is to keep us

it
4

sends us into

our primitive "fight-or-flight" mode without much mental

t)rrr sixth response is a "tend-befriend-comprehend" reaction to life's chall, rr1i, s lhat allows us to go beyond the stress, relaxation, survival, recovery, and ,, .rlrr'nce responses. It is much different from the more famiiiar "fight-or-flight" ,,'r',rl clealing with stress. You will learn later that one of the distinguishing

I ltt llLttllPYsll

1:t1t1r,

will or will not be on their minds and do not reactively surrender their co'

and interpretations of their situation and life in general. lnstezrcl of taking fliglrt, they more fully engage in life. Rather than trying to escape, they reconstrue ths,ir situation and look for new ways and praces in their lives to more fully engagc. Rather than relaxing, they gio into mental and emotional action and go toward ,r sometimes around instead of retreating from their challenges. They are hearl ened by their memories of their most loving and cherished connections even il their stressful situation distances them physically from them. They become "consciousness creators" in the sense that they crecide
whal

ol (lrrivt'rs is {lr;rt tltcv sclckrrrr cillrcr lilllrl or. l,rlrt, lliglrl wlrcrr ir crisir, sLrikcs' lrlstead ol lighting, tlrey know wlrerr to quil. ancl nlovc olr t., 9lrer g,;rl:,
li';rlrrrc.s

I
, ,,,1,,ul,
j,
ir rr

t\lilr'lillvlrvrl
llrrivt:rs;rpply llre g;rirr tltcV scctttcd to utakc tlrrottglt llreir strile
ttr

,,lr rrrr r' llrr'ir clcirlirrg witlr lirturc expericnccs in tlreir lives. frlrtunately, we can

l,

rrDplv

wlurI these thrivers learned to our own lives without going through

ri,' l'.trr llrcV cttdured.

r

i,,rr, ,,\/it,r' Arc You?

\rt' you alive? If you answered, "Of course!" think again. Do you feel

so

,i'i.q11lly;rlive thatyou are regularly moved to tears of joy by the simple grandeur 'r ,,r,lrrr,rrv tlrings? Do you laugh to the point of tears several times a day? Do you

important of all, they know how to be enlightened quitters who can withdraw from their struggle and select a new goar within a different life perspective.
Thrivers are characterized by their high mental alertness, emotionar responsivity (not just "reactivity"), and their spiritual engagement through their quest for meaning in their crises. Once trouble happens, thrivers become more like student.s and philosophers than patients, victims, or warriors. They are made stronger by their adversity because they keep learning from it and are engaged with it rong enoush to thrive through it or seek new goals and objectives. Rather than just try_ ing to get past or cope with the stressors in their lives, they look within their problems and themselves to create new ways of explaining and enjoying rife.

sciousness to the negative power of whatever is happening to them. perhaps mo.sl

,,,rlr rrrrluntlywitheyesinfullsquintandfeeiyourheartwarmedwhenyouthink 'r lr, rrr' lovrd you are and how others know you love them? Does it seem that you

,,, ,,, vibrantly

full of life that you feel almost invincible? This is how thrivers

feel.

l.rrr will be reading in the following chapters about a group I came to call iir, rrrvrrrcibles." They were men, women, and children I met at my lectures ,! ,,r r r(l llrc world, patients who came to a clinic I founded in the Department of i r, lrr,rlrv at Sinai Hospital of Detroit, and my fellow cancer patients I met while people , ', i,I' r ll( )ing my bone marrow transplant for Stage IV lymphoma. All these r,r,l r|.llc much more than survive or recover from almost unimaginable life ir rrrurrsi they had managed to thrive because of them.
the cancer patients who did not survive still seemed to thrive before rt,, r' rlit'd. They became much stronger on all levels than they were before their ',i,'l:il!, and applied the emotional and mental gains they had made during the
Nl;rrry of

severe stress. He defines someone who thrives as a ,,person who experiences the traumatic or stressful event and benefits or gains in some way from the experi_ ence and can apply that gain to new experiences, Ieading

inition for this response that distinguishes between resilience as essentially a process of recovery and thriving as a "better-off-afterward,' style of dealing with

charles carver, professor of psychology at the university of Miami, is a leading researcher studying our sixth or thriving response. He offers a technical
def_

,,,rrlrt' of their cancer to the course of their dying. They often seemed much

to more effective

sub_

',t,,r' lrlly alive than many of the distracted and hurried people who visited and ' ,,, r1 lirr them. They knew when to fight and, perhaps more importantly, when i',,|r,.('ngage and move on to other life meanings and goals. They radiated an ,,,''rrrt ihility that offered perhaps the greatest assurance and comfort any of us ,,,rlrl lrope for, the fact that we are capable not only of amazing resilience but
,1,,',rl thriving through our tribulations to give our living and even dying mean'rrr, ,rnd therefore more manageability.

sequent functioning."2

The key phrases

in

carver's definition are "benefits,', ,,gains,', and ,,more

us to maintain an upward psychorogicar trajectory. accuses us of something, we piather information

effective subsequent functioning." Thriving is getting strongier because of our tri_ als and tribulations. It's developing a new explanatory system, a new way of dis_ puting our own pessimistic interpretation of what is happening to us that allows

If another person unfairry to dispute the challenge.

carver

Developing a new explanatory system is a creative form of personal disputation that allows us to come up with new ways of viewing our situation. As
6

You can learn the lessons from these thrivers and apply them right now to r.r'ir lror authentic, vibrant daily life. You can learn to see, hear, feel, smell, ,,',1 louch the world with the joyful intensity that thrivers do. You can relate to ,rrr loved ones with the urgent caring of a thriver even before you are faced with ' rl', lrossibility of not being about to hold and hug them again. { )rre of the thrivers I interviewed for this book was a 67-year-old grandrr

,,r,,tlro'. She had suffered a severe stroke that had left her speechless and able to

ltt lltr llnt'ttt I n

lrtt

,t I ilt l:ullv I ivtl

INVINCIBILITY

think is stronger now because it was so terribly broken.,,

wirlli ,ttlv nrillr llrt' ;rs.si.sl;ttttt' ol ir crrrrt' irr c;rt lr lrirntl, irrrrl t,vcrr rlrerr only willr grcirI clillictrlty. Ilcr story illtrstrirtcs Ihe [ltrivirrg rc.sl)on.se. while visiting her daughtcr, she haclwatchecl helplessly from the front p'rr.lr as her four-year-old-granddaughter [-rad darted into the street and was kilk,tl instantly by a speeding drunk driver. unable to shout a warning, she had seen (rr. inevitabilitv of the tragedy but could do nothing about it. It took her wh.l seemed like an eternity to join the others sobbing at the side of the fallen chiltl. unable to voice her horror and grief, she courd onry sob uncontrollabry. Even after such a dreadful experience, this grandmother seemed to have rr zest for living that her family said was more than she had shown even before hcr stroke' she remained active in campaigns against drinking and driving, and vrl unteered at her church in the day-care center. After she had responded in a frail handwriting to all of my questions, she added a note. It said, ,,I hope you don,l feel sorry for me. I am a ve'r lucky mother and grandma. My memory and lovc for my granddaughter are so very strong. she is arways in my heart, a heart I

Thriving (flourishing)

- -

Resilience (recovery)

Surviving (existing)

Suffering (victimized)

T|ME

succuMBtNc

Positive psychology suggests that even when we are not fully aware of it, our natural psychological immunity is trying to keep us on an upward psychologicar trajectory. The lessons from the thrivers teach us how to tune in to that inner positive momentum to enhance and even accererateour generally positive life course. Fortunately, we don't have to go through a crisis to learn how
and because of one. we can study the reactions of those who have dealt with crises in their lives and start applying their wisdom and experiences to the daily minicrises and nagging aggravations that we too often allow to rob us of a fulry authen_ tic and joyful life. we can gain momentum for our upward psychorogicar trajectory by learning what positive psychology has learned about thriving.

I lqrrre 1. PsychologicalTrajectory:The Five Phases of Coping with Crisis irll,.rr lr,ruma strikes, we respond with five crisis-coping styles.Kindling is over-

* rr ln(l lhat worsens the problem and can result in ultimate succumbing
,,1,,r.1',lt!. Suffering results

to the

from feelings of persecution and being victimized

to thrive through

f ll lr, ll noI corrected,can also eventually lead to succumbing.Surviving is returni,r,t trl,r subnormal level of daily existence in which we are"making it"but not ,i,,'\^/ilr(l in vitality. Thriving is finding new meaning in life, growing stronger q.lry',rr,rll!, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and maintaining a generally ,,t'r^r,rrtl psychological trajectoryto increased psychoimmunityand invincibility. rt r, ,rrr "llesilience and Thriving in Response to Challenge: An Opportunity for a t'rr,rrli<ym Shift in Women's Health" by V. E. O'Leary and J. R. lckovicks, Women's tr"tltlt: llesearch on Gender, Behavior, and Policy, I, p. 127. Copyright 1994 by l r\tur{'nce Erlbaum Associates. Adapted with permission.)

the five human responses to stress risted above. one of these five phases in the crisis reaction cycle i.s the thriving response through which we can turn a crisis into a "consciousness cataryst" for a happier and more energized rife.

when crisis strikes, my interviews and research and the research of others indicate that we experience a crisis cycle (see figure 1).3 This cycle incorporates

l, rrr',

lo heat up and become more intense. We become angry and even aggresWc blame others or degrade ourselves and throw at least a mild mental tem-

r\'''
1,,

r l,rnlrllff). We become our own and our problems'worst enemy. Problems not

The Kindlingi Reactiona (Worsening)

relaxation response is always an option when we're under pressure, most of us are too stressed by the pressures of the present moment to try it. Instead, we react like kindling wood beins added to a fire. At least for a whire, we think in ways that cause our prob_
Ji

,',,11,"lrappen
,

to us" but we start happening to them through our overreactive

when crisis strikes, most of us tend to react by first adding our own tional fuel to the fire of distress. Even though Benson's

.rllr,rrsis, or what psychologists call "venting."o

emo_

l'olrular psychology teaches us thatwewill feel better if we "vent" or "get it ,ll ,rrt" when we are frightened, upset, or angry, but research says differently. r'r,l ;rs junk food tastes good but is not good for us, venting makes us feel tem1',,r,rrily ood. In the long run, however, it is terrible for our health. Catharsis is ',lrrt'live because it gives us some quick, temporary relief from the tension we

l lrt

llrtlllPY,11 1.:',,1u,

cxl)cricnce, ltrrI vcnlirrf cvtlttually tirkcs a evcryone around us.

loll orr orlr l)svcllc, orrr ltoclV,

irnrl

I
!i,,
,,,,

Atilrtullvtival
lr,,,.r.,rrr.lr orr i

tlrc kirrdlirrg rcsl)onsc artcl its trrtdcrlyirtg worryirrf sllows Ilrat

,rr,. lrrrrr'liorrs of tlte lowcr cnrotional parts o1'our braitt." They are emotional
rr

The one thing we can be sure of when we ret ail our anger or nefative fet,l ings out is that we will become even angrier and end up making ourselves arrrl others feel worse. psychologist Diane Tice studied 400 men and women and ilrt, strategies they used to escape their foul moods.u she found that ,,venting,, causcl anger and other negative feelings to worsen and last longer.
released to prevent explosion. Thrivers learn this fact of life and tend to severelv reduce their venting as their lives go on. under pressure, the first thing they d' is nothing. Instead, they reflect and try to construe their way through their challenges. In place of "letting it all out," they work

rr

rrl,rl 1v9lltionary leftovers that can help when they cclme in small doses that forebears who worried the most tended to be

,,,t ,r'rtlr ,r1 ;rtl;rptive stratefy for deating with a problem but notwhen they domi-

,,,r, ,,1t llrirrkipg. Our primitive

,,,,,,,
r'11,11,111[

we are not hydraulic steam machines that need to have our pressurf

',,1

;rndmorelikelytosurvive,butourmodernworldhaselevatedworirr1, to,1r;rr[ ftrrm or kind of mental hobby. Whenwe refer to "multi-tasking," .,rr,lrrt rs rrsually one of the tasks that drives us to keep going for fearwe might \\'r' rrrrrrinate about "what if or what's next " so much that we miss out on
lr.il ', lr;rpprrrting now" and the opportunity to enjoy, learn, and grow from it' tt tlrt,v worry at all, thrivers do so quickly and efficiently. They pay attention

Pruzinsky defines worry as "a state in which we dwell on something so much it

causes

on trying to figure things out. They don't curse the world; they try to discover new ways of construing it. The act of construing is the process of mentally interpreting and framing rife events in our own way. one of our most distinguishing and powerfur human traits is our innate ability to interpret and assign meaning to what happens to us, to focus our attention where, when, as deeply as we decide, and to be the masters of the content of our consciousness. Positive construing is the opposite of worrying. when we worry, we are most often in at least a mild version of our stress response. psychorogist rhomas

! , ,r!\, n(.ti;rtive thoughts and check them for hints as to what to avoid or do, but ii,, u tlrt,\, rrrgve quickly beyond them. One of the thrivers was a psychologist who i,,,1 rlr t'rrtly discovered the research data on thriving. She said' "I worry, but t, rt u,rir ries me most is when I start worrying about worrying. I used to worry
i

i, rt I u,,rs worryingi or even worry that I was not worryin$ enough. It sounds stur r,l ,rrrtl lirrrny for a shrink to say that, doesn't it? Now I do what I call wiser wor-

to us become

rrr1l I rftrn't go round and round about a problem. For me, aworry is like a ! i iil rri )r v or reminder. I think about it and then try to figure out something to do rl,,,rrl rl. lior me, a worry is an alarm to do somethin$ or fifure something out. I !tlurl\ rrtosL worrying is being nervous about the future and frightened by the
i,

apprehensive.

do not allow their mental energy to be drained away by ruminating about what might happen, and instead focus on construing ways to deal with what is happening. Author Arthur somers Roche wrote, "worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which alr other thoughts are drained."ro

the worst of them never came.", Author A' J' cronin wrote, "worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength."e worrying is one of the most mentally exhausting things we can do. It is like racing the engine of our car when it is in neutral gear. Thrivers seem to remain strong-willed and strong-minded because they seldom worry. If they do, it is in the form of presentinEi themselves with options and look_ ing for strategies, not just making a mental list of potential disasters. They

Thriving is the mental and emotional opposite of worrying because it involves construing a way out of and beyond a real and existing problem, not ruminating about what may be in store for us. Thriving is a way of thinking that reflects the statement by author James A. Garfield, "I have had many troubles in my life, but

worry is the thinking part of

anxiety.,,,

i,t, ,.o I want to pay more attention to the now. Worrying really takes you out

,,t tlrr. prcsent, which is where you need to be if you're going to solve a problem. i rlrrrrk I've become a wiser worrier lately. I think and then try to come up with a
i

rr

r\' \\'ir! of
(

thinking."

)rrt, of the thrivers was one of my Hawaiian extended 'ohana (family). She ,)ti ,, Vcars old when she gave me a paper with the words "Why Worry?" she had rrltlrr irr Hawaiian calligraphy on the top. She had seen more tra$edy and loss

will experience if we had two lifetimes. She seemed to have every ,r ,r',on ip the world to have become a chronic worrywart, but she clearly , r,r lsse d in her words a thriver's orientation to worry. llrr note said, "About 40 percent of what we worry about will never hapchan$e. 1,, r, Arrother 30 percent concerns old decisions, which we cannot \lr.rrl l2percentisrelatedtocriticismsofourselvesthatarenotfairandmade i,r pt.ople who feel inferior to us. Another 10 percent of ourworryin$ is related r,, ,,rrr ftealth, and worrying only makes us sick. About 8 percent of our worryrrr1, rs worth the effort because it can help us find a starting point for doing ,,rrrt,{fting about whatever it is that is worrying us. If we resist wastin$ our
r

rr

r r

tost of us

10
I

A t ilt l:ullt,l

irrl

mental time thrivers spend on wr,..ying.

or "rosing it" is wh;, g*irg lil'[::lru:i::,:*^^'j*":"::dr]:e" ; ; ;' ;:'.":. J:ff ;*1,:'.^ff ;1ffi ,:.' ii: : :-'s:l " ff : ;I',,i:: :: ;'ffi ;. # il.X? i:?:il il';i il : f i:Iil:'*:'" 1'.": "' es happ en to : "--: systems, noi,n o,u,i.iu;:;:ilT ;jT: ;jjl[:l I : hurt ffi alone. :]::":',s
;
;

,'

i . r, r,, lrrl rrll llrr,crtrotiottal l'irc wc oursclvcs are fuelin$. 'rrre 'l llr,'rrrvrrrt'ihlt: pcople linterviewedwasatruckdriverparalyzedina ii er :rr r rr['nl. llc had experienced a heart attack and blacked out, and his , r. r,lllrllrl rhrwrr tlrc expressway. He had been a powerful flooder most of his . !.rrt rlrrrlrr,rllv learned to calm down and thrive through his adversity. He i I lr,rrrrrtl llr;rl getting things off my chest meant I must have been putting ' r ,,r i'r rlilrl llrr:rc that was choking my heart to death. I could go off in an
got to me. Trust me, if you get away from what pisses you =, it rr,lr. r son lcone yotrr goes way down. My philosophy now is 'Don't supr quotient l'O ', r rrr,lrrlr',
-,

,r ,irr:! l* befirr to wasle csset]tial lil'e energy ' 'rr(':, l()w('r ;urd lowcr attcl wc

kindling response, we become

he didn,t know it at the tin for those arouno ,r,;;..;;;:,;;"j :]:::T., an example of the danger of vcrrriris h is p oin t unou t r, or,i Tfii.ii,""ff ; : ilJ"ii cycres of the moon, i ;:lii my high school biorogy teacher wrote the word (German for "time-grabber") zeir,ern,t on tn. Juirrrourd. It refers to a we'_known rrr, logicar fact that a, riving things J..o-l',,.ntrained,,,o. to fa, into s'rr, with the events around them. we r..t rl.pv at night because our time see rrrc "grabbed" (geber) by the

Although

;r:fl

1* i:tT
r...

r**

,
!
i

-. it rhrrr'l t'xgrress it, just go someplace and sit down, shut up, forget it for a ;r, t\l,rr,lrr' llrcn you can try to make some sense if it all."

trr',rrllt'rirrfl Reaction (Victimized)

;:iil::::::it

grabs us and

innu.n.. oinlr"nrr,rn. (zeit).yJ11snwe engage in rrrr *itsnii), our emotionar state becomes
'u'ryon.
uround us, reading to reerings orguirt
srr

.
r

lt rlr' rr';rlize that most of us kindle for a while when crisis strikes and that ,r lt{'l p;rst this stage by simply shutting up, stepping back, and taking the
Ir

.,,

',

r r or rsl

rue our way through our problems, we can begin to calm down and

a,rrl

when a trauma strikes, most of us are kindrers for a period of time. This because of what psvchorogist ir John Gottman cars our ,,em. tional floodin.'.,, Seeing "rd.;;;i;tieraprst a problem
heartbeat, our heart rate ", quickly u..et.rutJ, by as much as 30 beats stress hormones instantly a minute anil begin to ,rrg. ih.ough our body. W. n""O our systenr our judgment b..o-.,
clouded, and thriving becomes our Two persons in cause us to go into ,,cataboric,, a

th.;;;;

.;;r"n;t_ff

::#.rr::.:: ,i:rffijt:T;:

lillJT::*:ones'

a rerationship who both tend to ,,flood,, and therefore "cokindlers" often act a.s end up consuming t;i;;rr" relationship and not being to thrive through their problemr. abre n. C"ii.l pres en ce or abs en ce or a noode r,

h.

;ffif:I:il:me

to his raboratorv wi'h-ave"marriages that

;;;;;ll'trff Tli:il::.#,,:i nf;

fa' to thrive and w'r

,!.,iit rr{rrt' rirtionally. To reduce some of the negative physical side effects of our =, i ; . rr'r,l)onse, we might even be able to try the relaxation response. lvlrr tlrougih the so-called victim mentality has been criticized and can ;, ,,i l' r'xtcnded suffering, it may also be a necessary phase in the crisis cop.,!i' r \,( lt and a way to relax a little before engaging our problem. When we ,,1,,1'1 l1ourthekindlingtothevictimstage,webecomealittlefreeroftheagi!,rr,,n r)l Lhe catabolic stress hormones that rob us of our mental and emoi,,,rr.rl r'ncry. For a period of time, we move from fighter to feeling victimized. i\, tr'r,l sorry for ourselves and may sulk and withdraw into self-pity. One of ,,,r' lt'llow cancer patients pointed out the necessity of a little self-pity when t,, ,,rirl, "Look, if I can't feel sorry for myself when I'm dying of cancer, can ,r r\',,nc tell me when I can? I think I'm entitled to feel like a victim at least for ' rt l lt' while. It gives me a break from being a warrior in the battle against my
I

' rttt t'f."

llccause thrivers' emotional momentum remains on an upward psychologi, ,,1 | rirjectory, thrivers pass through the victim phase of the crisis cycle relatively

nyins stress hormones; something;;

ri

Author Daniel Goleman describes the eff ally hijacked,,, tuk.n Ju., by emotions
ve

s,,

un

e s

12

;;;;:::::: ru;ffi:,n_'^.::ll* their accompa;,;;;;"".::j:tj'_i:l s, ;;;; il;.J:il.ffi :,f :T'.'..,il :"1"#* :: lriln iil

it is a brief pause allowin$ them time to clear their mind to to work on construing their way through their difficulties. Like all of rr',. lhey feel like victims. But they eventually come to realize that the answer to tlrt'tluestion "Why me?" is "Why not me?" or "It's just my turn." They begin to ,orrstrue their situation in a more constructive light and move out of this
,lirrt kly. For them,
1,,1 r.eady
1)

I lli lIt'illtttt't'u I

ttt tttl

sllll('l'llrll 'rrrrl:;r'll lrilt'irrll:il;rlt('. ll tlrt'\r

I
tlorr'1, llrt,v t,rrtl rrll tlrlrgging tlrcrn.sclvt,s

.\ Irl, tttllyltt'i,l
i,,,.,rlrl,', rt'srrlI is tlrc irrt:rr;rsirrgsoci;rl strpporl;rttrl cirrin[ [ltirt ct,ttri:s ltottt 1,,,rplr.rvlro lirt:l t:onrlirrt;rble , cornpeterrt, irncl sale cttottglt lo fet closc [o Lts lr$;rin. llrrrvt'rs sccnr "systems sensitive."'l'hcy understand that while Lhey may be ( il,, rnlt'n[ ";rrimary target" ge[ting the full brunt of a crisis, everyone around
iirr rn r- r'vcrrtually influenced by and
,l

;rrrrl Iltost' wlrri lovr., Ilrrrrr tlown witlr tlrcrrr.

llrt

Ju'sl;ts thc slirrrLtlaIittfl lgit;rtion of'vcntilaling or catharsis feels 9oo6 f<lr ir while but is actually destructive, the s.ciar .sympathy and seductive calming effect of feeling victimizecl can arso feel .soothingly good. Eventuaily, however, being a victirn for too long damages our chances to thrive. Because we havc stopped fighting and given in, we may temporarily stop the flooding and enter rr more "anabolic" or energy-conserving state characte rizedby a slower and steacl_ ier heartbeat and more rela.ring neurohormones. But we can become as addicted to this calmer, relaxed, and more passive state just as easily as we can to the stimulating catabolic state of kindling. My inter"uiews indicate that some people in crisis begin to "yo-yo" between the kindling and victimizingi reactions. Their bodies are evenbually negatively affected by the strain of the constant ups and downs they are put through.

will have to deal with what has happened to

'l'lrry seem to sense that they themselves might becorne stressors for somer 1,, rrr
i' r'l l)('.
I

lnlcss they acknowledge and move beyond it, people in the victim phase of the

,,r,r', t'vt:lc eventually begin to feel helpless to halttheir emotional sinking. Their r,l,r",rological immune system may parallel the surrendering statlls of their psy, lr,
,1,

rtlic;rl immunity, thereby lowering both their emotional and physical stamina.

tcscribin his take on the crisis reaction stages, one of the invincibles said,

familv to feei responsible for our living with

pushes away the very people we neetr to help us thrive. Just as kindling can spread to our sociai support system, ciinging to victim status for too long can cause our
feelinEis, exhausted by

it is our biological nature, we are all entitred to kindre and be a victim for at least a little while, but being a helpress victim for too long eventually
Because

I tlrrrrk kindlers keep fueling the fire of stress, but by just sittin$ near the fire rrr,l ,rlkrwing themselves to be burned by it, I think victims become fuel for the Irr,.lrto."
I

lrt Surviving Reaction (Existing)

to do much to change our feelings, ancl at least unconsciously angry and tired of a martyr and the burden of our passive submission and self-pity. More distant acquaintances can become even more distant when they begin to sense their own vuinerability Lo whatever probrem we are experiencing. Health care workers don't want to feel like failures, and berng a constant victim can remind them of how little they know or can do to help.
T'he wife of the paralyzed truck driver referred to his early adjustments to being unable to feel or move his legs. She said, ,Ve ail felt reaily sorry for him for a while' but we got sick and tired of what we calred his pity parties.

our neediness, helpress

Al'Ler we have rebelled against and then felt victimized by a trauma in our lrvls, w can enter the phase of "making it." We begin to live in a weaker and ,,,,,r't' diminished version of ourselves that is never too far from returning to feelrrt'victimized or kindling again. We feel "almost back" to where we were and nr,ulirge to exist day to day. But even if we try to offer our bravest and most courar'r'orrs front, those who know us best sense ihat we seem somehow less alive after

tlr,rrr before our Irauma-

that his being a victim was becoming a way of controlling us or even blaming us. I didn't know what to do to help him and began to feer exhausted by him. I,m ashamed, but I got so i wanted to slap him out of it,,, There is another caveat regarding chronic victimhood. victims make terrible actors' If we feel in our heart and soul that we are truly victims, no amount of feigned collrage or repeated "don't worry ab.ut me,, statements will fool any_ body who cares about and knows us. They can sense how we are feering, and that is why sharing-not dumping-our true feelings and being aware of the feelings of our partners-in-thriving are crucial aspects
ofthe thriving response.

It

seemed

survivor tends to result in a catabolic or "breaking down" process , 'l llrc cells and tissues throughout the body. Unlike anabolic states such as thrivrrrli that build up the body, it is a process through which our energy resources (,rn tventually be drained and depleted. Eventually it seems to feelthat it takes l,iving
as a

.rll we have" to keep ourselves above the victim phase. We tire easily, feel menl,rlly and physically exhausted, and feel spiritually drained by trying to exist day t,r rlay. One sur',,rivor I inter.riewed was the widow of a rookie police officer killed
,,rr his

first day on duty. She told me, "lt takes all I can muster to just exist. I do rl lirr the kids, but it's draining me. I get things done, but that's about it. There's rroL much energy in me to start the day, and by the end of it I have none at all" I'rrr a survivor, but I'm afraid most of me died with my husband."
Sur",rivors are more easily accepted by society than kindlers and victims, but llrey can still make us somewhat uncomfortable. Because thev have "found their

aware of and try to get through the first two crisis reaction stages as quickly
r4

Ifwe are
as

lrl;rce" and are

not demanding too much with tantrums or angry outbursts or

Ir ltillnwr I ttttr

persistent neediness and self-pity, society welcornes arrd rvcn praisc.s survlvors for their courage and endurance. However, eventually the rnere presence of survivors of tragedy can remind us of the tragedy itself or tragedies that might befall us in our own lives. we withdraw, and the initial attention and accolades thev received eventually diminishes.
The caveat at this stage is that just "making it through" and existing are ultimately never enough. They are a necessary transitional state either on the way

A I ilr t'ullv

iwl

ip rccgvgry will tcll you tlrat tltcy o[tctt lecl one crisis away l'ront slipprrrtl lr;tt'k thrguglt exisling l-tl suffering and eventually kindling or worsening
l,r.p1rlc

tlrr rr silu;rtions. One resilient man who had battled alcoholism for 30 years said, I rrr irr rccovery. I'll always be in recovery. I know I can slip back in a New York rrrrrrrtlt,, so I have to be on guard and never for$et I am a recoveringi alcoholic. I

back to the emotional worsening of kindling, the suffering of the victim role, or hopefully in the upward psychological trajectory toward resilience and eventuallv

thriving.

felt when I drank. I feel I could fall back at the ',lrr.l1nes feel as tipsy now as I , lrrrk ol ir flass." l,()pllar psychology has created a worldwide recovery movement. It offers l1l1l|iill)s, tlescriptive terms and diagnoses, and has its own culture and explanay svstem based on ideas of constant vulnerability, dysfunction, the danger of ||
,lr.nrirl, ancl lost and found inner children. Our pathogenic medical establishrrrr.rrl lrims for survival and hopes for recovery. As reflected in the alcoholic rrr,rn's statement, thriving is not often Seen as an option when we surrender to
,r
'r

one of the invincibles, a

42-year-old woman

with multiple sclerosis,

described the discomfort she experienced in being perceived as and feeling like a survivor. she said, "lt was like everyone had you pegged. you weren't raising a

stink about your condition and you weren't asking for their pity, so they could just smile and call me an 'MS survivor.' I was not going to let this damn disease
leave me a survivor for the rest of my life. That's what you do on a desert

island-

you survive. Even if it kills me, I'm going to grow through this somehow. This thing might get me, but I won't give myself to it. It's going to have to come and get me, and I'm not going to make it easy for it. That's why I don't attend the MS survivors group. I'm thinking of starting the MS thrivers club."

lrlt' ol' recovery. lrr terms of the crisis reaction stages, each of us is free to choose our own ,lr,,,rslqr clestiny. I do not want to seem an emotional elitist who thinks that only ,,.r|;rirr affective adjustments are the right ones. I am not implying that only that t l rlst, of us who have faced death can truly celebrate life, but I am suggesting gone challen$es' terrible throu$h rll ol us can learn from the thrivers who have rtv irrterest in sharing the possibility of invincibility is not meant to imply that
tlr,,sg who do not elect

to live the highly ener$etic, constantly growing

and

The Resilience Reaction (Recovering) our natural resilience response helps us bounce back all the way to our pretrauma state. we appear and feel none the worse for wear, and find the energy and reasons to return to our prior normal life. Because we seem to have ,,become

,lyrr;rn.ric, and totally absorbed life that comes

with thriving are somehow unworllrr, ltrilures who have not "seen the light." Perhaps our $reatest human gift is llr,rl we are free to attend to our world in the way we choose. lfrlr some, surviving or recovering may be more than enough. But for othr r ,,,
r

totally ourselves again," people marvel at our resilience. They may not be aware of or understand what it takes to get to the full recovery phase of dealing with
adversity, so highly resilient people can become "stress success symbols." This

llrriving offers a way to

be and feel more authentically alive' After my cancer

,rusrd me to go through my own worsening, suffering, existingi, and recovering,

I lrrghly recommend thriving.

I

can result in a form of resilience enw or feelings of comparative stressmanagement inadequacy that in turn lead to emotional distancing between the resilient person and anyone who cannot relate to or trust in the miraculous
power of resilience.

lrc Thriving Reaction (Flourishing)

The crisis caveat at this phase is that highly resilient persons who truly recover do not receive much attention. Kindlers can mentally annoy us, victims
can emotionally drain us, and survivors can serve as reminders of events we would prefer to forget. Resilient recoverers, however, tend to blend back into the everyday world so well that they are easily forgotten. Unless we hear their stories, the

when we thrive because we have suffered, we not only bounce back, but up ,,rrtl beyond. In the words of positive psychologist Jonathan Haidt, thrivers are elevated."'u Elevation is characterized by Warm, pleasant, tingling ',llrotionally tllliugs in the chest, feeling the need to hold, hug, and help others, and feeling , u('rgized and optimistic about life in general. Along with words like savoring and
llorrrishing, elevation has become part of the new positive psychology vocabulary. As figure 1 indicates, we thrive when we surpass and transcend our prior level ,,1 lrrnctioning, regain and even accelerate our upward psychological trajectory'
17

very nature of their resilience can result in a loss of some of their social support.
r6

'

I'1rc

ltt llnw t l.:tr

r

ot

AI

ih' t

illt,t it'tJ

lrtrvc rrrcntally arrd crrrotionirllV lrt,rrrlilt,tl Irorrr otrr sul'lcrirrtl lJecause of our crisi.s, we seem to begin to fkruri.sh. 'l'lrrivcrs aren'I nrasoclrislr who seek or somehow endure pain better than others, but they do tend t. lr. rational optimists who learn from it, know when to fight or flow with it, ;rrrrl when to give in and move on.
The rest ofthis book describes this sixth response, our natural thriveability

rund seenr

to

,,'rlrlv Slrc is ottc ol'tltc rc;tsotts I W;trtt to livc. Shc gives rttc PUrPoSc attd tlre ,,,,,1 lrr (o1liltte 9n. I kngw I anr dyirrg, but I am sav<lrin$ the moments of my i, nrll ltwitvs lt)any gf you youn$ people may notyet understand. You may not . , rr [rrr)w tlrlt you may not yet be fully alive.
growing. Vou to look more closely at those of us who are suffering and t,,,,11 11111 orrly at our disease but also for our strength and what you can learn i,,,rrr tlros(, 91'us who have chosen to thrive throu$h our problems. I ask you to
,r:,1\

'|

a 4z-year-old woman wlr. suffers from lupus erythematosus, a chronic disease that causes inflammation ol the body's connective tissues. Among other problems, it often results in being irr constant pain and feeling tired, weak, and depressed. In spite of her diseast,,
Bobbie is a community college professor, a mother, a wife, and daughter who als.
cares for her mother who is suffering from the severe stages of Alzheimer diseasr', Lupus can be a devastating condition, and its course and symptoms can be as var

as summed up here by one of the thrivers. "Bobbie" is

ied and unpredictable as they are debilitating, yet she seemed more alive tharr many of the highly stressed young medical students to whom I asked her t,
speak.

I asked her to attend one of my grand round presentations about thriving, ;r lecture to the medical staff at sinai Hospital of Detroit. when I finished dis
cussing what I came to call the Beethoven Factor of elevation due to devastation, and my theory about thriving and the research findings from positive psychologv

into my mind and especially into my t,, rrt,lrlr';rlsethereisstrengththereyoumaybemissing.Don'tfearillnessand i, rtlr I )orr't hate them, because they are natural and necessary. Try to learn from r l,,,r l l irrfs as I have. I know I am dying, but l am also more alive now than ever r,, trrrr' I lrope you will join me." ,\,, llrc nurses helped Bobbie struggle from the room, my students sat ,,,,, lr,rr;rr'lcristically silent. Several had tears in their eyes. Instead of the usual r, rrrtlr, lltrorizing, and showing off of knowledge of the disease process they had i,r .t rlrst'rvcd, many of them seemed to be reflecting on their own lives. They had i,,, rr l,rrrglrt the patholoical repair model of medicine, not the thrivin$ way to t,, rlrrrll. Irr the context of their pressured, hurried, and problem-focused lives,
r,,,1. l,r'\'ottd the face of my disease and
r

that tend to support it, she offered her own definition of thriving. Struggling to stand and short of breath, Bobbie said, "l know all you doctors care very much about us. You work hard to look for problems, to prevent our su[. fering, and to help us to survive and recover, but there is much more you arc missing. we are all much stronger than you have been taught. we want to do more than et well. we want to get more well than we were before we got sick. we don't want to return to what we were. we want to go to new places in our lives
because of what we went through. otherwise, what was the point of

to be wondering at least for this brief moment how someone so close r., ,L.,rllr could be so much nearer to life than they were. This is the wisdom of positive psycholI l,r r\,l rtl, l'lourishing, and savoring that is the realm of the new
rtrr r, ,,t,t,nld

.,r,i ,rn(l the messa$e of the following chapters.

it all?

"You are taught to fight against death, but you must also help us consider the thrill of living even when we are dying. you are taught that the patient should have a fighting spirit, and that sometimes helps, but you also teach us how t<r
give up and move on and how to have a more open spirit. Look at me. Do you see only how I shake and appear so weak and frail? Is your diagnosis of my disease confirmed? Or, do you see my strengths?
as I look around this room, I think I might be more alive than many of you. You all look so busy and so weary. No one asked me why I wanted to live. You all just assumed living is enough, but it isn't. you don,t know about my mother I care for and who no lonser knows me because of her

"I know I am dying, but

18

19

)1' 11y'11

ri11, \'u

I'tlt t t I o r'
r

l'l n' i r in

i*,r

o1r(,strgrrfcr than bcfore ws were psyc:ltologically str;rinecl. llcsilietlce rs our ,,rp,rt'ilV lirr rec<lvery to our prigr state, hut thriving is much more. It is our
,rrrr

r.slr;rl right to discover at the worst times in our lives a new and better way of

rrrrrlrrsl;rrrding a deeper meaning of life. Thriving is defined inWebster's as"to ,r, lrtcvt, fr6wth and prosper outstandin$ly, to flourish despite or because of cirI runrlirnces or conditions." This is the same definition offered by positive psy,

r,rlofists studying our thriveability. Most positive psychology researchers feel that the term "resilience" should l,r rt,srrvcd exclusively to denote a return to a prior condition. Like psychologist
l

z D ev elop ing

To

ur Talentfor

rtr

iv

ing

"Thehero is no brayer than an ordinarSt man,buthe isbravefive minuteslonger.,,

t lr,rrlt,s Carver, they feel that the word "thriving" should be used only to describe ilrr, "bctter-off-afterward" experience.3 Thriving $oes beyond rising to the occa,,trrn lo heing raised up by it. Positive psychologists see resilience as equivalent to rr,r r)v(,ry, so I use the word "thriving" to refer to our human capacity to do more llr,rrt rrcover from a setback to a former state of relative well-being' I use it to ,lr.,,r'r'ibe our natural talent to move to a higher level, or super-resilience that
,rllrrws us to feel more alive than before our trauma.

-nalphwaldo

Emerson

Wc experience the super-resilience of thriving when, in the aftermath of our

t

l\ts

or because we have learned from those who thrived through their own

c{tedfw rife
we all have a talent for thriving. I use the word ,,talent" because it captures the idea that thriving is a natural inclination or disposition based on our ances_ tors, who themselves rose to the occasion in their prehistoric struggle to survive. According to webster's Third New International Dictionarg, a talent is ,,a gift
bestowed upon man,"land the talent for thriving is perhaps our greatest gift. It is a gift we were given to help us become stronger when we are stressed and to be able to transcend the worst times in our lives to find a more meaningful and

,rrlvr.r'sity, we and everything and everyone around us seem infused

with a fasci-

rr,rlrrr[, joyful new energy that makes us ask, "Why did

lf l lnirke me realize how alive I could feel?"

it have to take this stress

'l'hrivinEi's "better-off-afterward" reaction to trauma results in being able to ,rl\wcr "yes" to the "vitality signs" questions posed in chapter 1. It results from t''1(,wcd attention to the simple pleasures of life so that we feel we are living rrrort, fully. It results from letting go of our an$er at what seems an unfair world l,r.t.irrrse We come to see how useless, destructive, distancing, and time-wasting and becoming more open to feeling loved because 'rin ;rl)ger can be. It is loving *r, lrirve seen and felt what it might be like without that love. It results in payin$

enjoyable life.

If we choose to develop this unique talent, it can provide the comfort and
assurance that we are up to any challenge. By learning how to develop this most

magnificent of all natural talents, we become able to grow through the hellish experiences that necessarily come with the privilege of living in a magnificently complex, randomly harsh, and mysteriously difficult world.
Resilience is defined inwebsterb rhird New International Dictionary as.,an act ofspringing back, rebounding . . . the capacity ofa strained body to recover.,,, This is primarily a physical definition, but it expresses the nature of psychological resilience. Thriving is possible because we are naturally resilient beings and, because we have such adaptive recovery powers, we have a place from which to
20

full and deep attention to what matters most because we now know and rlrll lirrever remember what it might be like if those parts of our lives were gone t,111,yg1.. Because of our resilience and the thriving that builds upon it, we are ,rlIrwed the remarkable opportunity to come back to neq more invigorated life
Ir,n(,wed rr'lrt'rr adversity begins to take the life out of us.

t t' t' s s

In duced Str engh

We refer to many metals as being "highly resilient," but we would not ,lr.st'ribe a metal as "thriving." some metals have sufficient elasticity to allow

lr

l?ttlnvLtt

t rn

lu

*l
!,,,.r1.,(.

lrr't'r'/rY'irtr'

\itrrt liltul lot' I ltrivittr',

tlterlr to bcrtd witltottt [lrcakirrg;rtttl llrt:rr reltrrn lo llrt'ir origirr;rl slrirpc lot]c 1rt, worse l'or wear. lluman beings who are rcsilicrrt c:rn al.so "bounce back" [o tlrr,ir

original psychological and physical condition. Metals don't ,,thrive', by beirrp made stronger because they have been severely stressed; but we can. when orrr "metal" is tested, some of us bounce back and others get much stron{t,r.
Psychological thrivers can become stronger because they have the capacity nol only to endure spiritual, psychological, and physical stretching but to mentallv

is pirrt ol wlrV Vou itr('irlllc lo llrrive. II cttcrfiztrs you lrttcl tllakes you t, ni,,nrl)('r wlto yott wcrc atttl wlry yott hirve lo bc slrttrrg. I thirrk it makes you a l,t t l, :,piril trllly ;rrrqgant in l way. I guess that's because it makes you feel that if

il

"'r lr,rrrdlctl what you did, you can handle almost anything."
l,llt,lrnor llogsevelt's words at the beginnin$ of chapter 1, "I can take the next r!,,r r11 | lurI comes al6ngl," express this invincible woman's feeling that came with
t,,

i ,lr;t'ovcr'! of her capacity to thrive through

t

tragedy.

with and grow emotionally and spiritually because of it. Resiliencc is recovering from stress, but thriving is discovering new energy because we havt. been stressed; and within this difference lies the deeper and more authentic lik, that comes to those who recognize and develop their talent for thriving. Because they make for dramatic illustrations of my points about thriving, I will present several true stories of SlG-stress-induced growth. The persons wlr, lived these stories are some of the superstars of thriving who serve as good mod els for a new positive psychology. They are like olympians who hone their talerrl to the highest level; but even so; each of us possesses and can enhanse our own unique talent to thrive. If we concern ourselves only with recovery and resilienct',
engage

hrivutg Real\

Possible?

Wlrtr-r I share the thriver's stories you

will

be readin$, people often react

with

t,,rrl,tirro amazement. I often hear the comment, "l don't believe it. I don't know t,,,rr' .rrryhody couftl survive that, let alone thrive because of it' They're either a
,rrrt or living

in

a deep state of denial." Sometimes I am told that those who tell

il,, ,{ slories
,,r1,

are being disingenuous, melodramatic, or somehow actin$ or hold-

llrt'rnselves up to be somethin$ they are really not. My experience is that rt,,,,r, ol'l'ering this skepticism have not yet had their turn at experiencing their

we miss out on the opportunity and the adventure of discovering the newer and more creatively adaptive meanings in life that ultimately make it more authentic. The thriving superstars provide interesting examples for learning about the common everyday invincibility that rests within all of us. However, if we are to become thrivers, we must be inspired and encouraged but not awed by these stories. Thriving isn't finding "the answer" or accepting someone else's answers. It is a continuing process of searching for our own answers within our own value and belief system.

,,,, rr lrrle

nt for thriving.

'l'lre thrivers
,

I interviewed for this book did not consider themselves in

any

i' ,.x I raordinary. In fact, it seemed that while so many others strive to stand out , ,r l, r bLr seen as in some way extraordina4r, thrivers value most their ability to be ,,,,lrrr;rrV people extraordinarily enjoying an ordinary life. Perhaps because they l, rlr'litrowfl such intense suffering, the opportunity to savor again the ordinary joy, and comfort their crises t,li.r,,1r.os of living provides them the peace,

It is easy to identify people who are thriving.

They seem somehow more

vitally alive and to be embracing life more deeply and intensely than those who have not yet discovered their thriving talent. As the woman you will read aboul
below pointed out, "I know someone who has learned to thrive when I see her. she will stand out as much more in love with life than the other people around her. You just get the sense that she is sort of invincible."

,,,,rrrrtled them they had been ignorin$. 'l'lrrivers do not see themselves as heroes, and are often reluctant to talk As ,1,, ,r rl lheir thriving, other than to say how wonderful life seems to them now. then ,,,r r,r:ill read in chapter 5 in the example of lzzie, a man who survived and , r.rrr,rt'cd to thrive because of the horror of a Nazi death camp, they are usually

I interviewed had been the victim of a vicious home invasion. Two of her children were killed before her eyes and she was sexually assaulted, strangled, beaten, stabbed several times, and left for dead. She offered her own definition of thriving through crisis. she said, ,,Nothing
one such invincible spirit
makes

l,r,,rlrout sharing their stories and reject and even become impatientwith and rrrl,lrtt'n0d by any attempt to distance them by elevation to a special status. t )ne of the objectives of their thriving through extraordinary adversity was !,, ,,{ )rlrcday be able to again lead a normal and ordinary life, not the life of a hero.
iir r,1rse their suffering had made them feel so often terribly isolated

until their

,, ,rlit,rrce and thriving took over,

,

it

seemed that the one thing they feared most

you more alive than almost dying. Going through hell really helps you recognize that you should have appreciated the heaven on earth you already lived in. you never get over what we went through. In fact, you actually need to remember

it

or "exceptional" peOple who Were not seen as just tr Li r,\)crlon else. They were often embarrassed by an awe they sensed from oth, r', ,rntl wished instead for a common daily life of simple pleasures'
r,,
Ir

I be Seen aS "outstanding"

22

I'lrr

ll1y1l1py111 1.:at 1u,

1t1'1,1'/1r1ri111i

\itur 'IiltnI

Iu

t l tivitt17

'l'ltt: irlvilrt:illl0 l)tlol)ltlsltokcwillrtoldrrrcllrcirsloricsa.sintcrcstin(lrrrl rr,,l heroic biograpltic.s, and witlr the hope tlurt Ilro.sc wlro havc n.I yct krr'wrr llrr.rr level of suffering may glean .some clegree oi cgmf<lrt ancl gptimism fr.rrr
llrr,rr

. i, , ,,,r lt't'l ttlrtrtr;rlivc tod;ry tltltl ytstcrcliryi' : rii \',ru lt't't'lrttttt wtlffyi'

. !,',

t,r

llrlt'st't:ttt to be made happier by your

presence?

of identiIy .r,+,rr when so many factors seem to be tearing it apart. Thrivers share their ex|,r.rr ences not from the perspective of "Lookwhat I did" but from the orientaliorr ,l "Don't worry. Look at what you can do."

experience. Their message was similar to Emerson,s in his quote at the hcgirrrrrrrg of this chapter, that any heroism was in their willingness and ability to rcrr,rrr! mentally engaged with their adversity and maintain their sense

: 1,, \',ril l;rtrflrinf hard every day? : 1r. \',ril r'ryinf hard every day? i rr,i \,.il lr.t,l in love with life? : trr \'r,tr itt ltlVg?
.:

t!,, \,{rl lt'cl loved?

A
it

New Vitality

: !l r'i \,()u been made stronger by adversity? . tr,, plol)le turn to you for strength and comfort? | | r,, \,1I I gl'l_en feel overwhelmed by the grandeur and beauty of simple things? t t! r',r were to die today, would you feel you have fully lived?
l'lr(, ntore items you checked from this list as true in your own life, the more

do, you can often find poetic and profound wisdom in the dictio nary. websrar,t Third l,lew International Dictionarg states that being alive is ,,a communicati.rr of a feeling of life, a blended verisimilitude of activity, verve, and interestin{n.sri . . . pulsating. . . stirring."a

You don't have to look to poets or philosophers to find a description of wlr,rt is like to thrive and become more fully and vitally alive every day. As I so
or.rr,rr

i,t,lyrl rsthatyouarehoningyourtalentforthrivinEi.Evenifyoucheckedevery
ii, rn, ltl(,continually offers new ways to increase your savorin$ response. Don't
rrl l,r' a life crisis to maximize your thriveability.

with tears in his

one thriver offered a shorter definition. He was a young comedian diagnosctl with cancer. I was speaking with him when a nurse entered his room to ask if shr, could take his pulse. with the humor that is so characteristics of thrivers, he joked, "No thanks. I need it." As the nurse placed her fingers on his wrist, he looked
at me

.r

tt

I im ensional Thriv ing

eyes. He said, "you know. I've learned one thing in all this. Being fully alive is not just having a pulse. It's feeling like you are pulsating.,,

trauma. High-level wellness is much more than not feeling sick; it is feering that we are savoring. we have an inborn psychoimmunity that provides us with the talent for such thriving. Here is brief checklist to see how well you have devel_
oped your talent for thrivin.

I suggest that we have set the bar for health far too low. we are capable of much more than freedom from illness, surviving sickness, or recovery from

response. we are seldom asked about the real stress tests in our lives, the major losses and fears we have faced and how we managed to thrive because of them.

when pathogenically oriented doctors take your ,,vital signs," they are really only looking to see if you have any "danger signs." At best, they are looking for the resilience reaction, not the thriver's response. For example, cardiovascular stress testing is primarily a physicaltest that looks for signs of vulnerabirity, the ability of our heart to survive under stress, or an impaired recovery

lrr the language of positive psychology, thriving is a multidimensional sysL lr,, r,vent. As the above list su$$ests, it maximizes and extends the combined loving conr r r o\rcr)l power Of the mind, body, spirit, and emotionS, and involves resilience, human of level body people. simplest On the rr,,lion with other faster cari , ,t.irrch in physical recovery shows that highly resilient people exhibit
,lr,,v;rscular recovery from a highly a$itated ne$ative emotion or stressful event.s My clinic staff and I conducted a simple experiment on the physical aspect of i,,,,ilicnce and thriving. Several groups of our patients were asked to wear a small l,l, rorl pressure monitor on one finger and a pulse meter on another. The results of

tlrr.tneasurements taken by these instruments were then recorded on a small test required of all of our patienls- A look 1,r rrrter while they sat waiting for the blood

,rl llre records of these patients revealed that no matter how much or how little ,lr'('ss was reflected in blood pressure and pulse rate prior to the stress of a blood
more physiologically resilient and recovered much quicker lluur others. In fact, even after finally being poked by the needle, many returned to I rwer pulse and blood pressures than their usual daily average numbers. When I interviewed each patient, something interestinEi emerged. Those who
l( st, some patients were rvtrre
I

the quickest to recover and even physically thrive, as shown in improvement

2<

24

ltt lltrtlroyttt I tt ttr

I r1'1'1y'1r1ri11,

\ittrt liiltttt lot' l ltt iritt,r',

itt cltrtliov;tsctrl;rr litttctiorr ;rl'lcr Iltcir.strcss, wr:rc;rlso llrost, wlro lr;rtl gorre Ilrrotrglr crise.s, l'rad been resilicnt, ancl cvt:rrtrurlly tlrrived.'1'hosr, who were slower in the cardiovascular recovery were tho.se patient.s who had cgrrrr, to our clinic for psychiatric problems not related to a specific serious life crisis.

prior intettse ernotional

lr,.lyt,s l9r llrg lirtcst bcsI scllt:r ol'li'rirrg {ltitl;rttt:c;rttd c:ottllirrl lirr wllirtcvcr,lils r!r, 1r. llg;rcl thc titlcs ol'Llrc books arrcl ask yotrrscll'this quesl"ion, "Wlra[ human

,rlrrlr;rbility is thrs book supprtsed to helpi"'

Even though this "simple science" study does not meet the criterion of a rarr dom, controlled, double-blind study, it does give some indication of how the botly recovers and shows its physical resilience. It indicates that experiencing your

resilience may actually help strengthen it, and you will read in the following pages that this is also true regarding your mental thriving and the psychological immunr
system that makes thriving possible. Being stretched to your mental or emotional limits can result in decreasing your emotional recovery period and increasing your

will read many upbeat titles, you will probably notice that rrrr,,,l ol.the books are based in some way on an assumed human weakness or t,rr[irril tlrreat to our vulnerability. Diet books are a good example. They offer , r1llrl lgss programs and various ways to trim our body, and the assumption is ilr.rt ltrr: ;rre too fat, are shaped wrongly, have no self-discipline, or are in a conl,,vrrr thouSh you t,rrrl baltle of the binge or the bulge.

emotional resiliency response, and it can set you up for a try at thriving.

Scaringthe Healrh out of us

lr,zie,the death camp survivor, said of these books, "l think awaist is a ter,rl,l,. llrirrg to mind. I almost starved to death when I was in that Nazi prison. I ,r,,il r worry anymore about controlling my appetite or my weight. When I step , ,rr I lrc scale and numbers roll up, I feel relieved. It's like I'm becomin$ more and ,,r,,rt' ;rlive. My body was healthy enough to survive the garbage we ate there, so trrr not thatworried about dieting now. I'd sooner go to the cookbook section
ind a book on tasty fattening food for the joyfully obese." l,rrsons looking for the secret of a transcendent and thriving life often turn to r;, r! Afe thinking and contemporary psychology self-help books to find the mean, r

one reason we seem to have so many kindlers, sufferers, survivors,

and

,,1

recoverers is the pathogenic orientation of modern society. A fearful, negativistic, pessimistic view of the human condition has worked its way into the fabric of our modern collective consciousness. Political scientist Aaron Wildavsky wrote, "How extraordinary! The richest, longest-lived, best-protected, most resourceful

rrrli ,rr)d purpose they seek. Because of psychology's and medicine's obsession

with

civilization, with the highest degree of insight into its own technology, is on its way to becoming the most frightened."6 By learning about our natural resilience
and the miracle of thriving, we can free ourselves from being held hostage by this subtle but pervasive psychological health terrorism. The pessimism of the sickness model of life permeates our media. Morning
papers or television news shows announce the looming of the next thing that threat-

r,,rllrolgSV, readers seldom find there the scientifically based paths to a thriving life rr,,u' lleing offered by the field of positive psychology. As a result, these pilgrims in , ,rr clt of purpose are either left disappointed or led down numerous dead-end paths
,

,r I irrcl themselves fidgeting and searching for yet another psychological guru.

lr,rpgriness.T As a
,

ens our survival. Except for the occasional "human interest story" reporting some survivor's extraordinary courage, most of what we hear and see reminds us not of how thriving, talented, and robust we are, but how vulnerable. we often seem to be a crowd of people in recovery, running in fear of the next source of dysfunction. The

lror every 100 journal articles on sadness, psychology offers one article on result, even the most well-intended self-help expert has been left joyful life. r'r | | r little to draw upon in the way of carefully researched paths to a | ,,, rli carefully at these books, and you will note that many of them are based on
r'lr,rl positive psychology now knows are our documented stren$ths.

,,,nccting assumed weaknesses rather than on discovering and building upon

self-help books about sex offer seductive strate$ies for awakening an unreIr rnsive partner or his or her body parts. Relationship books assume that we have

assumption seems to be that we are barely strong enough to withstand the challenges of a world we ourselves created; a species smart enough to create such a complex and stressful world should also have the capacity to deal with it.

t,,.,orl through hoards of losers and use special romantic maneuverin$s to find r, I scduce the one right partner for us. The $enders are seen as comin$ from dif, r

Here is another simple science study you can do to test the validity of my assertion of the dominance of the pathogenic, pessimistic view of our human capacity. The next time you are in a bookstore, o to the self-help or medical
books section. You won't have much trouble finding them, because they are usually quite large. You will often find the worried well there searching through the
26

t,

lrrt planets, men are assumed to be after one thing and women something com1,l,tt'ly different, and avoiding or repairing relationship failure is presented much rrrrrrt,oftr than books about thrivin$ twosomes living and growing in longLr,,ting, loving, healthy relationships. Lon$-lastin$ marria$es are applauded as , ,,rrrirntic artifacts. while failed relationships and divorce are considered the norm.
r

27

I'lr lVtlltu'Ltt I tr lot'

Ittterrsc llsyclrollreralrV witlr l]rrt-wrcnclrirrg st't.rrt,.s ol tlt,sp;rir;rntl cnrotiott,rl c<lrrlcssions can he.scert olr Ielcvi.siorr talk slrow.s, trrrd tlrt,rt:sirlerrI expcrI ol'lt,rr
assures the suffering that "life is difficult and full of stril'c" and tl-rat they h;rd [rl ter "get real." Never mind that the research shows that constructive self-clelusiorr is helpful and necessary and the key characteristic of depressed people is llr;rl

)1'1'1y'1r1ri1;1'

\'orrr IilttrI Ior'I lrrivitt1t,

rlilrrhillfl wirs tlclinrrl as re;rlislic atrd l0[irllV itr:i:ttr;tlc itt its llerccpt iorr of ot.tc's ,rlrr, r;rlrilitics, tlte world's thrcaLs, and tltc l'uturc's dan$ers. The ability to face ilr, l,rlls ol lil'c w;rs sccn as lhe ultimate criterion for being sane, and the more ,,,rlr',lit'pcople were, [he more mentally healthy they were assumed to be'
li,

they have gotten too real, aren't good at embracing "false hope,,' and are unalllr, to creatively and unrealistically construe their life situation when they have 11,

ip the new field of positive psychology, however, shows that developing i,r , rl)lirt)1lory style that seems to others to be an overly optimistic mental
..r.,r1r.lr

It surprises me that so many of the most popular "positive thinking" gurus

to know so little about the research from the field of positive psychology.

,r',,:.ntgnt of what we can accomplish, an exaggerated perception of our control

see

nl

The pathogenic, negativistic view of the worrd has led to a society of the wor

ried well doing all they can to survive for as long as they can. As you will rearl later, getting "real" can be the reason there is so much suffering, and may explairr why so many thrivers relish their intentionally framed illusions. The pathogenic orientation is often subtre, so you will have to do your sell' help book experiment carefully. Authors, publishers, and editors know that mo.st readers do not want to hear negatives because they already have plenty of therrr in their own minds. But beneath the self-help hype and optimism usually lurks the dire assumption that something or someone is broken or breaking down and needs immediate fixinEi or remediation. The series of books for ,,dummies" and the dysfunctional living in recovery are further testament to the dominance o[ the negative view of who and how we are. one of my patients ridiculed my simple science bookstore study suggestion. He said, "of course the books are problem focused. Nobody's going to write a book and then put on the cover the title 'you're Invincible, So what Are you Doing in the Self-Help Section?' or 'Don't worry About It. Go Home and Enjoy Life,' or'This Is a Self-Help Book, So Go Help yourself,' or 'you're Much Stronger

,,t ,,1r own destiny, and most all what appears to be blatantly unrealistic optirrr.,nr (,vcn to the point of self-delusion can be a part of the creative consciousr,, ',r, llrirt allows for flourishing through life's challenges.o Wr have an inborn talent for thinking from a thriving perspective, but our to deal with them diminishes 1,.r1 lro1le nic assumption about lives and our ability
,,rrr t;rpacityforthrivingthroughcrisis.Weallhavethecapacitynotonlytobe , rrr,rliorrally invincible but to become emotionally stron$er and stronger under

,rr,rrl ilnd more pressure. If we are willing to fool ourselves and know we are
,l,,rrr1l

.tr,lt.s
| | rr

i[ and do it just enough to allow ourselves a wider range of explanatory and new ways to find meaning in what happens to us, we can thrive

ough almost anything. According to pioneer in positive psychology Martin Seligman, "Explanatory ,tr,lt. is a theory about your past, your future, and your place in the world."e llrriving people decide that their lives are ultimately the result of the personal

rlrr,ory they construct about

Than You Think, So Ask Yourself How to Do It, Not Me,' or 'To Hell with Recovery. That's Not Living,' or 'You're At Least As smart As Me, so Think for Yourself."' I answered, "I wish I could use a version of some of those titles. They
reflect the point I want to make." There is much more right with the world than wrong, and we are much stronger than we are being told, think, or mav have even imagined.

it and not the exclusive result of the external world. \', one of the invincibles put it, "The talent to thrive is the ability to happen to llrc world instead of allowing it to always happen to you'" 'l'hrivers are the architects of their own consciousness' They fashion their style and refuse to surrender itwhen problems strike. They become '.\l)litnatory tlrt,ir own meaninpi-makers, mental illusionists who take whatever happens to llrt,rn and transform it to find challenge where others see only disaster. Most of .rll. they reject the helpless victim orientation that has become so accepted in the
l,.rllrogenic view.

ow DirQ Words

A Dynamic Explanatory

Style

Illusion is coming back into style. until positive psychology recently took root and the nature of human resilience began to be understood, the gold standard of psychiatry was the ability to face reality and avoid illusion. ,,Normal,'
z8

l,ositive psychologist William Banks refers to our neglect of our talent to llrrive as "the new obscenity."'0 He wrote that the oft-repeated or at least implied t,lrrirse, "l can't help myself," reflects a surrender of the very quality that separ,rtcs us from animals-our resilience response and our capacity to thrive
tIrrouEih adversity.

'

!'1rc

llrrlhot'rtt l\tt tor

)('r1'/{}l'i,,(

\itur lilrut lt l lrivirtt

'l'he rcsearclt irr posilivc p.sychology slrows clcrirrly tlr;rt wc clo rrol havc lo lrs victims or settle for mere recovery. We can lhrive becausc, unlike gther anirrrirls, we are not just reactors. we can use the skills that the positive psychologist.s;rre discovering constitute the super-resilience of the thriving response. we can corr strue, frame, make meaning, mentally accommodate, and determine the contgrt of our consciousness. The miracle of thriving is that we were made to be agents with free will. ,lir offer up the "I couldn't help it" excuse squanders one of our most powerlirl human abilities, our capacity to deal constructively and effectively with almlsl any challenge by assigning our own meaning to it and using our innate emo tional, physical, mental, and spiritual skills to develop that meaning.

,lr,,lrt'lrcl, slre {'irrnly arrd insislcntly st;rted sltc saw tltc glass as lrall-full.'l'he rl,, r r,r;ll rl Volpgcr stutlcnts j<lkcd about the [cst.'l'hcy said they knew the right ri,r t wits "lrlll-full," but when I challen$ed them to answer reflectively and !,,,rrr.,111,, llrry looked at their glasses a little longer, thought awhile' and said the
=,

..

al r ,, rlrrl

,,\11;ritr,

,l

lact" appear to be half-empty. nry glass study is not acceptable as good scientific research. My med,lrrr[,rrts ;rre certainly not a randomly selected control group to compare with

in

,,, tll

rviruj patients. Except perhaps for the older student, they are pessimists in rr rllnp, ;rntl firmly immersed in modern medicine's pathology emphasis. Health r,, tlrr rn is Ilre absence of sickness, and illness happens when our health runs out.
urr \, ,rt(' bcing taught to look for what's Wrong and what's missing, so they don't ,rr r1r, ,r l;rir comparison to thrivers through crisis who have learned to look at life
'!
r,,r

uaf-rnpry

or Hatr-Full?

r' ol)l irnistically.

Do you see the glass as half-empty or half-full? It's a well-known and over used question, but I suggest it is still a way of discerning the nature of our explanatory style and the trajectory of our emotional and mental life. It reflects the way we assign meaning to our lives, and ultimately whether we will be a sufferer, survivor, recoverey, or thriver.

I ,rrl

/ I tic UntilYou'veLwed

Here is another one of my simple science experiments. It was designed t<r look at whether we have an optimistic or pessimistic explanatory style. Thc next time you have a drink from a full glass of soda or some other fluid, drink only half of it. Before you take your next drink, stop and seriously ask yourself, "Do I in fact see this glass as half-full or half-empty?" If you are drinking with
someone who knows you well, ask that person how he or she thinks you see the glass. How you honestly answer the question says a lot about the meaning you

l)rrrirrti my internship in clinical psychology, a typically pathogenically ori, ,'l,,rl pltysicianwas taking four of my fellow graduate students and me on rounds r,r r,r.,rl dying patients on the oncology unit. I did not know then that decades ! rtlr l would be a patient dying on that same unit. He had just finished lecturin$ r,, rr,, ;rbout the stages of dying, and gathered us together before rounding to say ,,,.r ,,rr1ll)erVoice, "Remember one thin$whenyou look into the faces of these ,lr,rnp1 p;rlients. Prom the moment you are born, you begin to die. We all are
,tr.nrlr,, i11d

the patients you will see are just being very obvious about it." As my r, lhnt students nodded in agreement, I felt uncomfortable. I had been raised to
lrr lrr.v1' (he exact opposite.

are now assigning to your life and your thriving potential at this time in vour

Mv family lived as
,1,

if birth was only the beginning of a process of spiritual

lrte.
I asked most of the thrivers I interviewed for this book to take the ,,half glass" test with me. Those who had gone through a major life crisis and resiliently bounced back to thrive said they considered the glass half-full. More important, they seemed to answer the question with sincerity and conviction. A1l but one of my informal control group of nine medical students who said they had not yet experienced any serious difficulties in their young lives considered the glass halfempry.

\,r.lot)rnent that transcended the physical limits of physical aging. I would learn trtlr when I almost died of cancer that my family was right. From the moment

,,lr 1rr(' Dorn, you are offered the opportunity to thrive throu$h life and give it nrr',rrrirrg that transcends physical death. Even as I suffered the terrible pain and

r,,|| ()l cancer, I felt that I was born to live and thrive throuh all that life offers, ni nrirtter how stressful. I learned that learning to thrive allows us to be free of
,,rrr tr';lr of death because we $ive our lives a meanin$ that transcends physical
,

rtrllttAs.

The one student who said she saw it as half-fuil was a 42-year-old woman whose husband had died of a heart attack, and years later, her thriving had led her back to school to become a doctor. while the other students laughed in deri30

will read in the following chapters about my own thriver's story and the tlrrt,s of other thrivers who know that the doctor was wrong. You will learn not ,l ,, 11l coping with the stages of dying, bereavement, grief, or loss, but about the
You
)1

il( tltiluttltr ll I rlt lttl

I r1'1'1y'11,il11'

\'orrt liltttl

Iu

lrt ivitt,t',

slirgt's,l tlrrivirrg rlrr,rrgrr trrrsr pr,ct,.ssc.s. yrrr wiil rt,;rrrr wlr;rl lltrivcrs thal l'rrinr Ihc r'.rrreaI wc arc h'rrr, wc c.rr rrcgrrr [, ,rrive.
,\v o i d{ng p I D S

lrrtorv

p gt

ch

ol ogi c al tm mun e o efi ci en cy Sy

n d ro m e

lrr,ssirllcs" lo yortr ctrtirt' lrotly." 'l'lrt' t'ltlros ittttl ritlttlottltttlss ol tltc rtlti!'t,,\'t(l(.s rrrlsI 11l tltc c11lgrs 6f ygttr lil'c, but it is ygu who ultimately, con,,,, lr't,,rirrl lltc pictr-tre;rnd mentally "frame" whatever happens to you' Your ,,,,ilt1 ||tirl(ing, your "cxplanatory style," is the coordinator of your psychologlrr,r,

,r .

even it is influencr,rl strongly by the meaning we give to events in our lives. our psychoimmunity is primariry nurtured by the meaning we assign r, our lives, and when we take a pessimistic, pathological, half-empty, survivalisl view of where we fit into the scheme of things, we can experience pIDS, psv chological immune deficiency syndrome. we weaken our emotional immunilv when our explanatory style results in messages about our lack of faith in orrr ability to deal with adversity. In a sense, our negativity discourages and talks our immune system out of working as hard as it can for us. As a result, we end up interfering with our natural resilience response and allowing ourselves t. be battered about helplessry by the slightest emotional antigen. Thriving becomes out of the question, and we become only sufferers, survivors, or
recoverers.

does its t'rr etly, automatically, and reliably. our physical immune system is maintained lrri marily by our behaviors such as diet and exercise, but

as we have a remarkable physir.,rl immune system, we have an emotionar immune system always working for rrs. rl provides the enersy of our thriving tarent. Like our physical immune sy.srt,rrr, unless we act or think in ways that interfere with it, it usuaily job

Resilience and thriving require knowledge about our psychological imnrrirr, system' As you will read in chapter 7, much

.i ,rrrrun('svstcm. How ytlu "frame" or construe what happens to you deter..:,, 11q1y,,1 6l the emotional, physical, and spiritual impact of any life event. ,,! nrl{.rn;rl tlialgsue about life and its challenges determines whether you are !'i,'r\'{rr, irr recovery, or thriving.
i lrr

rr'/ljf 'lt'ndencies
.rorr

will read in chapter 4 that there are people who seem to have an inborn

l( \' to lhrive. Their upbeat, outgioingi, and uninhibited temperament causes ,!,, rrr to rgspond with a generally optimistic explanatory style. The $ood news,
,,!1,

;.,,,\ I \,(,r, is

that our temperament does not have to be our destiny. We can learn ,i,,,,rt ,)1r gwn thriving response from more naturally thriving persons and get ,,,,,, n('w ideas about improving our own thriveability. \\rlrilc there are those who have a tendency toward thriving, all of us have a r. rrrlr.l('v to get stuck in the way we see the ne$ative things that happen to us. It ,, rrr:, llrlt our seneral explanatory style regarding the good things that happen
r,, r r,, lit:cps changing throughout our lives, but that our view of negative events r, n(1,, lo remain essentially the same." Thriving ultimately depends on a very tl, ,.rlrlt' explanatory style, so being stuck in one style when it comes to life's chalt' rr1','s inhibits our psychological

Freedom from Brain ,\buse

Imagine for a moment that you actually "are" your own body. Imagine that you are receiving the messages coming from your brain every moment of every day. How would you feel working under the command of a brain that sees the world and thinks the way it does? wourd you feel stressed, frightened, bothered, and constantly under the pressure of staying alive? or, wourd you feel calm, con_ tent, and gently, optimistically, and joyfully going about the business of dealing with any stress of daily living? would you feel encouraged and comforted by your brain, or harassed or even abused by its mortality phobia? would you feel
threat?

immunity' good r )rre of the thrivers commented on the challengie of explaining the ,i,,1 b.rcl things that happen to us. She said, "Anybody can explain why $ood rtrrrrgs happen to them. What is difficult is explaining why the bad things happeople." Because |,,.rr [{) us and why good things seem to be happening to bad , lrighly flexible explanatory style is a keystone of the thriving response' we ,,rrrsl resist our tendency to cling to the ways we frame the negative events in
,

invincible and ready for anything, or vulnerabre and defensive for the next

'rrr lives. Combing through the teena$e diaries ofpeople now in their 70s, researchers t,rrrncl thdt explanatory style for good events was highly dynamic."'Good events ri,r,re interpreted at one time as "jUst good luck" or "sheer fate" and at another tnne as due to some special skill of the diary's writer. Explanatory styles of bad pes, vrnts remained unchanged, with diary writers who seemed to be perpetual .,irnists staying that way. Thriving requires a more adaptable construing of the rrt'uative events in our lives. As one of my interviewees said, "Anybody can explain

with

every thought you have, you are sending what physician Bernie siegel

33

'

I'lh

Il1 Y1l1PY 11 1:n; 1py

rr'r,r/trlrirr( \it ur' I rilu t l

Io

t"

I'l

i v it

why grcilI tlrings haltpcll Io Il]en). things go sour."

lt

ttrkrs rc;rl crc;rlivity lo lirrtl nrcanill(

\4,ltgil

hlgckagc" or "7.| pcrccrtt ol'chilclretl l'rtltll broken ltotncs ,,:i r trorrlrlt,itt sc:ltool," l-hey lirrgct Lo tcll us about the other percent, the rr!n.l,, r,trlro bcc:ome Stronger beCause they encounter physical and mental

. *ir r.rlr,'l .l'irrtcriirl

Obstqcles to

Thriving
difficult to thrive in a world that

r,..,lllr llrtt';tls.
lr||r,wlrrrrrr.rtls worry us, but they don't seem to do much to significantly us L rill,r, Oilt. bchavior. Despite warnings of the danger of eating meat, most of

out lr.w vulnerable we are to clogged arteries, the nagging of repressed negative mcrrr, ries, and an array of dangers waiting to take advantagie of our human frailtier Psychology tells us that our families are dysfunctional, we are in either deni.l ,r recovery, and that we are natural-born victims; but there is a new psychokrgy emerging, one that helps free us from being hostage to the sickness or prevclr tion model of living.

seems to br c'tr stantly scaring us to death. Most of what we enjoy has some danger as.srcialed with it, but we seem surrounded by killjoys and pleasure police who are intcrrl 'rr spoiling our fun.'a Almost every day, someone spoils our fun by pointinl

It

is becoming increasingly

.iiit |.rl Il,lrrrtwedosowitha"gluttonguilt"thatinterfereswithourenjoyment

r,rrt ;rnr'lv kilting ourselves. Most of us know our parents were far from perfect' i,il rrnlrl lltc recent emphasis on dysfunctional families and scarred inner chilr!, il, we had become stron$er because of our upbringin$ and all its
\\,(, tlrought
llr,'',

L ll{

slowly \, slrirk and makes us feel as if we are hopeless health reprobates

This book is intended to offer.an escape route from the current health tr:r rorism. It presents the evidence that we are much stronger than we are beirrg told and than we ever may have imagined. Not onry does our physiorogic;rl immune system offer us immense resistance and resilience, but also our psych. lo$ical immune system provides us with the ability to thrive in the face of tlrr, threats to our lives. Loss of a loved one, life-threatening illness, financial disas ter, or the many impacts of the various forms and sources of terrorism

t,rol|ssional pessimists are patho$enically oriented killjoys. They are con.r ,rrtly Ir6king for trouble, and in doing so have until now ignored the forgotten develop heart disease and the thou1,, r, r,nl ol'reSular meat eaters who never successful at work, great rr i,1,, oI clrildren from terrible homes who have become parents seemed in theirs'" I, ir r.ills, lrnd happier in their own marria$es than their li, .r,,rt(.llers tend to forget the thrivers, but the lessons from this group of forg:,,tlr,n l'it are at least as important as the ones from the sick, suffering, or recovt ilil11.

arountl the world may seem to be challenges we can only hope to survive, but in fact thcy and other life challenges are the necessary catalysts for learning to thrivc through life. Instead of looking at the sick to learn how to stay well, positive psychology looks at the well for lessons about how to stay mentally in charge of the quality of our life experiences. The fact that we are made to actually thrive through our worst times cannot be understood by learning from those who have studied the

wlrere are the forgotten thrivers? They are not usually found in hospitals, rl,, r,rlrist's offices, motivational seminars, or attendingweekend self-actualization
,, trr.,rts. They

are silent flourishers going about their lives with joy and

r, ,llt('llcy.
of the books dealing with the issue of well-being are based one way or ,rr,,llrrrr on studies of the unhappy, disturbed, suffering, or sick' Some books t,rr,s o1 survival and recovery and the occasional extraordinary survivor, but just a rlrr.rt. is much we can learn from the ordinary invincibles. They are not the trrr [v lew statistical outriders whom we can only envy. Their way of seeing
MOsL

maturely dead.
*1

origins and cures ofpathology. It is learned and applied in our lives by looking the often forgotten happy well, not the worried sick or the experiences ofthe ore-

t'

,,,,,rltl can teach us much about how our psychological immune system can help
'

r',

llrrive.

ne b0rg)rten

htr

Because ofour modern focus on sickness, dysfunction, and pathology, recovery often becomes the most we can hope for. when researchers say things such as "86 percent of those who ate meat severar times a week were shown to develoo
44

l,ositive psychology tries to learn about the heart by asking those who rl,ilore many of the heart-smart warningis yet do not develop heart disease. faml lrIv want to know more about the children from the most dysfunctional from came who those rlrIs who seem mentally and emotionally healthier than how,rr,rrc advantaged backgrounds. The challenge for positive psychology, clinics to coming be , \,(,r. is that these thrivers are too busy enjoying life to .'rrtl laboratories, so if we want to learn from them, we have to look for them'
J)

I ltt' ll(llltot't u I ttt lnt

whw
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lot I ltt irttt,'1,

'l'ltt'v;rrt'tttrtt'lt too ittvolvt'tl irr

lilr,lo t.orrrt'lo

r)ir\l in their knee braces. you are more likely to meet one of them while st^rilirrp1 along a giarden path than in the aisles of a health food store. I met some mysr,rl while standing in line at an ice cream parlor. They are not worriers, so do..l expect them to be up-to-date on the latest reason they should not be

allorrt lrow to live. Thrivers are more rikely to be tbund rying.n the c,ucrr eating p,tal, t.rrr,: than panting on a treadmill at the health club. They are more likely to bc siltrrrpr quietly on their porch watching the day go by than attending a semrnar o, rlr.r sonal power. You may find a few of them running in marathons, but nr'rt, ,1 them are likely to be walking joyfully at the end of the race or sitting on the crrrlr with their families watching in amusement as gaunt-looking runners panr

rrs to

l;rlli;rt

lcrrl,llr

will rt'irtl ttrort'irlrottl ttty e lirtic tlr;rt ol'lt:rcd llritl llsy!,,i,,1,11 ,rl rnrrrrunc syslctns lloo.sts to Ilrosc wlto lrad alrcady showt.t rcsilience. ir.i , llrr, \,irs lr;rsctl on crrh;rncitrg explanirlory styles and identifying mental, ,",,tr'rr.rl.,rrrtl spirittlal rcsources, and prr.rmoting thriveability, not treatin$ or , r' r rtrrryl rlllrss. 'l'he clinic staff had a slogan that said, "There are a lot of ,.,,,,,, ,lr,rl r';rrr screw you up, but you have the thriveability to construe them

rtr

r rr llrt,

llool<, Vorr

!,

iI

ut,\',

l I ltltltcn
it
seems the less you strive, the more
a

\
.,
r

rrrrirlsc thing about thriving is that

cream.

eatind i.r,

,,ir tlrr r\,('.'l'he meaningi of the word "striving" is to fight, struggle, and compete

The following chapters describe not only the emerging field of positive psv chology but also the completely different worldview that an optimum-orien(t,tl rather than deficit-focused psychorogy embraces. Looking for
so wonderful for those for whom

,rr.l

lrr ;r culture that emphasizes the value of beating the odds' being

what has made riri,

which we are constantly warned.

*1 ^1 The Salutogenic Approach

it had seemed so terrible is much different th:rrr looking for life lessons from those who have succumbed to the stressors aborrr

i lrilr, it,, prr'.'l'lrriversstandoutascalm,content,andconnectedpersonswhoarenot rr rn1, lr;rrcl to win or overcome anything or anyone. Because thriving is a natu,

,rnd strupiSiling to get a piece of the pie, we often lose sight of how to enjoy

,l
trr

lrrrrll in response related to our psychological immune system, itworks best

\\,(,are reflective and contemplative enou$h to create an explanatory style rr,rt ,rllows it to happen rather than tryin$ to do or strive or will something to
|

The opposite of the pathogenic, or "probrem-focused, negativistic, sickness_ oriented," view of the human experience is what pioneer positive psychorogisl Aaron Antonovsky calrs the "sarutogenic orientation.', psychology,s current "pathogenic" orientation is preoccupied with

symptoms of sickness such as depression about the past, languishing in the pres_ ent, and pessimism about the future, Antonovsky's salutogenic approact emphasizes the source of satisfactions with our past, flourishing in our present, and hope, optimism, and faith in our future. It leads to an entirery differeni perspec_ tive on our day-to-day life that is free of fear for its length or liabilities. lt results in an explanatory styre that begins, maintains, and ends
one's own skill at meaning-making.

qualities rather than finding and repairing what is wrong with us. It is an approach that "salutes" life instead of pathologizing it. Rather than looking for

nerabilities and then trying to fix them. Antonovsky coined the word ,,saluto_ gienic" to refer to a point of view that looks for our strengths and focuses on maximizing them. It is concerned with identifying and buirding upon our best

finding our weaknesses and vul_

tilscarchers in biofeedback have discovered that trying to "will" a change in !,l,,r11l pl'cssUre, a slower heartbeat, or more relaxed muscles does not effectively l, ,rrl lo those effects. We cannot will our physical immune system to be stron5ier' r,rrt \\r(' c;rn think and find meaning in ways that allow it to do its natural work on ,',rr lrclralf. The same is true for our psychological immune system. If we apply , ,rrrt, of the general rules of imagination and assigning meaning characteristic of
invincibles who have shown their high degree of thriveability, our emotional its thing on our behalf. "nrune system will do Itesearchers have learned that when biofeedback works, it does so when the
tI

' rIlr('ll.

,,.

"just let" relaxation happen to them rather than trying t,r "rrr;ll{" it happen.'o In the positive or saluto$enic view of life, we can be nat,rr,rlly relaxed, balanced, well beings who don't have to "try" to be that way. We ,,rrly have to let ourselves "be" thatway and stop ettin in the way of our psy,lrolqgical immune system by striving to overcome adversity or be all we can
l,, rson feels that they
lrr'.

with the firm control of

when you read about invincible people who seem to be the Michael Jordans ,,1 psychological immunity, remember that all of us have a powerful emotional rr munity that can kick in when we need it. Al1 of the thrivers I interviewed said
rr

36

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Ilr;rl Ilrt'ir cxl)tri0tlcc ol irrvirrcibilily w;rs srrlrllr';rntl stcrrrt'tl lo lr;rppt'rr ovt'r lirrrr One o1'lhe rrr said, "lt's likc you gcI in Ilrc zotrc. Yorr dorr'l irctuilllv try Io ge l llrr.rr., but it's kind of magical. lt just kind of happens."

!ri: i,r ,,o \,\r(, (.irn ,rll

tlo ill Wlr.rl is tlrtir st't tt'l ol sttctt'sslirl tllrivirrg Illrorrglt

Thriving does not require performing the correct visual imagery or wrilirrll or saying a list of positive self-affirmations. Learning how to thrive througlr r"r
r

llrr':,t, ;rrt: s;rlttt6gcrtic tlttestiotts, altcl tlrc ilnswcrs lie in our natural pSychtlt,,1,r,.r1 rrrrtnttrrilV attd tlrc talcnt it gives us frir [hriving'

sis is not a matter of competing against the odds or ourselves.

It is a mattcr .l

remaining mentally, emotionaily, and spiritually engaged in adversity lorrg enough to allow the innate and naturally resilient psychoimmunity to work it,, maEiic for us. It is learning to find meaning in the face of senseless cruelty, l.
see when we are

i ,,,rrr,r, \Vr'// without TrTing Hard

lrr ,r rrrgtlern worlcl focused more on doing than on being, on livingi 1on9 at rt,, ,,rt rilicc of life's simple pleasures, on copin$ more than celebrating' on living ,,, r.r ()vrrry instead of celebration, on living in what often seems to be a perpet, ,1 ,,t,rlt,9f victimhood to some real or perceived assault, and reliant on various , lt lrt'lp, how-to-do-it approaches for solving our problems, it may be difficult to

blind in ways the sighted have not imagined, feeling morr. intensely when we are numbed by disease or emotional trauma, and ;rs

Beethoven did, hearing again when something has rendered us deaf to the worr
ders around us.

Psychology has learned a lot about what can make our moments mi.ser able. If we put our mind to it and suspend our denial for a while, most of rrs can list several things or events that we think threaten our well-being and carr make us miserable. If we run out of things to worry about that might hurt us or shorten our lives, we only have to consult the evening news or newspapers to find some more. we have a pretty good idea what might kill or emotionally scar us, but we seem to know much less about the natural resilience of those

,,rr,I rslirnd and accept this book's premise that just knowing about thriving and r,,,rr, it works will allow your psychological immunity to stren$then and your ri,rr\,nltl talent to be enhanced. I ol'fer the evidence for natural human thriving so that you may incorporate ,r nrlo your own consciOusness and therefore $ive consciousness support and a ,,!.||lirl boost to your psychological immunity. If you will reflect on the evidence ,,t Lrrr invincibility presented in these pages and incorporate the four compo,,, rrts 9f thriving described in the Thriver's Manual presented in part 2, your own
r

ll

who have been exposed to these threats and have themselves gone through what we fear the most to not only survive but also flourish. until the new field of positive psychology, we paid much less attention to how so many people manage to make the moments of their lives grand even when they seem so grueling and who know how to accommodate to find a better mental match with their world.
Positive psychology is asking thriving questions. It asks: who are the thrivers? Who are the sedentary carnivores that never develop heart disease or, if they do, find new meaning and joy in life because of it? who are the children who come from the most dysfunctional and deprived families to become strong, happy, successful, loving people and parents? who are the parents with impaired children who seem to take more joy in parenting than those who were blessed with children without noticeable imnairments?

ryiprl can be awakened and be ready to go to work for you simply because you lr.n't, literally changed your mind. The next time crisis strikes, yorr will have
lrr

i,,lun to think differentlY.

ust like your physical immune system, you don't have to keep telling your job. It "does its thing" naturally if r,,r'tlrological immune system how to do its it by tryr',,rr lct it by thinking in ways that strengthen it and don't interfere with rrrli to present a good ima$e or pretend to be strong. You don't have to fake it; yorr're flruch stronger than you think. By chanSin$ how you think about adver,rtV and how to deal with it, you can learn to think even more strongly. Much as a vaccination uitimately boosts your physical immune system. I
f

lr,rrrc the research and stories about psychological

immunity will challenge you

you more immune rrr:'t enouh to activate your own psychoimmunity and make to lour next crisis. Once the brain that is so consumed with survival or recovery

who are the men and women who have been assaulted, tortured, imprisoned, or exposed to the worst that humans can do to one another, and who end up being more content, calm, forgiving, loving, and joyfully connected than
those who never know such horror? How do they do it? what can we learn from

"re-minded" of its capacity to thrive, it will becorne ready to tealize its innate rlrriving talent and help activate our psychological immune system and make it rL.;rdy to grow through all future challenges to our emotional immunity'
,.,

;6

39

Atr t)r/r'

to'l'luivirrl

lrrlt Vclrs, llectltoven lreard mrtst,ly hunrming and buzzing until, for the last ,rrrrl Vr,tV Drocluctive years 0f his life, he became totally deaf. Through it all, how:,,r'r, lris;rhility to creatively construe his situation allowed him to develop an

irrlr,,rsirrfly more encompassing and adaptive explanatory style. fu my grandrrrnllrr.r'lol{ me, his way of creatively composin$ his life to be reflected in his rrr.rtr,:,lrt.rrrusical compositions can inspire all of us to discover our own thriverlrrlrl\,.

An Ode to Thriving

Irr trrrother letter Beethoven wrote to a friend five months after the letter to \rrrrrlir, lre said, "You must think of me as being as happy as it is possible to be on llrr., r,;rrlh-not unhappy. No! I cannot endure it. I will seize Fate by the throat.

tt u,rll rrot wholly conquer me. Oh, how beautiful it is to live-and live a thou,,rrrrl linres over!"3 His words capture the essence of how a deaf man learned to Ir,,lrrr by continuing to lead a life as magnificently enriched as it was difficult.
" oh,

if t were rid of this afliction, I could embrace the world."

llscthoven's ability to thrive though adversity rendered him invincible in the ,rr n\(, I have been using that word. Nothing, not even complete loss of his hearBeethoyen'

-Luhuigvon
How qDeaf ManLearnedto Listen

rrrll,rrrcl failing health, could stop him from leading an increasin$ly authentic and
, rr.,rlive

life. Even as he faced his death, his music and even his written words r,'lllcled his invincible spirit. lrr 1802, his doctor had sent him to Heilgenstadt, a quiet rural village outr,,r,lrrl, optimistic works, including his well-known, exuberant Symphony no. 2. llr, rrlso wrote his last will and testament and instructed that it not be opened reawakened his love of nature and composed many 'irll Vienna. There Beethoven

At age 31, Beethoven had become suicidal. He lived in poverty, was losing his hearing, and wallowed in the depths of withdrawn despair and hopelessness. T\ruenty-three years later, utterly deaf, no longer suicidal, and, instead, energetically creative, he immortalized schiller's life-affirming "ode to Joy" in the lyrical chords of his Ninth Symphony. His transposing of Schiller's inspiring words, ,,Be embraced all ye millions with a kiss for all the world," reflected his remarkable

after his death. This "Heilgenstadt Testament" is an ode to thriving and conl,rlrs messages similar to those shared by the thrivers described in this book. On r )r,lober 6, 1802, Beethoven wrote, "With joy I hasten to meet death. Despite my
r

rr

rt i I

ability to triumph over the tragedy of his hearing loss. He had triumphed over his tragedy to be able to construe the world in ways that can forever help all of us
feel the joy he experienced by hearing his miraculous music. Beethoven can be seen as one ofthe superstars ofthriving. Like many ofthe other thrivers you are reading about, he did not suddenly transform himself from someone living in helpless despair to a person living in constant joy and elation.

r,rrtl iate . . . I shall wish that

rrrt'

it had come later; but I am content, for he shall free of constant suffering. Come then, Death, and I shall face thee with courage."n

I use the phrase "the Beethoven Factor" to represent the nature ofthe thriving consciousness | (.st)onse because his life illustrates an often troubled but still creative
,

lr;rracteristic of all the thrivers I interviewed.

Wth their own unique thriveability'

joy. tlrt,v all show the capacity to transpose potential disaster into unique odes to

Like all ordinary thrivers, he continued to suffer through many terrible times and remained prone to dark moods through most of his life. In an 1g01 letter to his friend Karl Ameda, he wrote, "[Y]our Beethoven is having a miserable life, at odds with nature and its creator, abusing the latter for leaving his creatures vulnerable to the slightest accident. . . . My greatest faculty, my hearing, is greatly deteriorated."2

,t rhritingLfe
not only because of the gifted t.lrnposer's magnificent victory over adversity but because his invincibility also rt'l'lects the life-span view of thriving. When I speak of thriving as rising to the ,ccasion, life itself is the occasion to which I refer.

I refer to thriving

as the "Beethoven Factor"

40

41

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i I

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thrivecl through his problenrs, hc rentairted urr orclirrirry nlirn witll orclirxrrv l,rrl nerabilities and Iiabilities. FIe never.summoned the courage to [.ell others ol lrr,,

writing in one of his letters that he was "unable to say to peopre, 'spr,,rh I am deaf."'He often tried to deny his problem and {clrrtfu.rl himself by visits to all sorts of charlatans and quacks who claimed they corrll
deafness,

,,,i1rr. lris lr;rirr Irrt tlrirt lrt,worrltl no[ ;rllow il to " wllolly c](]ll(ltlcr";rrtd dotrti.,!, lrr', lrlt' rt'l'lccts liis rtttcotlsci()us ilwitr(rllcss o{'this rulc' tlr,,,'lltrtta litilh, oulm l\lun, untl l\n't l)e.spair" Rule: Thrivers have faith :!,,t rr. lr.r,lirre will last forever and that there is always an equally strongi opposing
rrrrrtrorr t{)r every emorion We experienCe. Like mOSt thriVerS, BeethOVen Seemed , , r,I rtrl ;rlr irtcreasinSlly more inclusive and adaptive view of what constituted hap,

louder, shout, for

cure his deafness. As ineffective as these visits were, they also may have ol'li'rr,tl Beethoven brief spurts of hope and even moments of healthy self-delusion llr,rl

bought him time to keep composing and offered at least a momentarv plact,lr, boost of creative energy that gave him some relief from his sense of hopelessncsr, They might have bought him time to think and frame his problem more aclirp tively and creatively.
Beethoven's deafness was a uniquely harsh kind for a musician and compost,r.

for him was his most important , ,, ,, . lrt' still wrote that he was "as happy as it is possible to be on this earth." tlt,, ,,,\uffer wisety and cheer (Jp" Rule: Thrivers sense that sufferingi is

,,,,

, l,lrrcrr as he stru$$led with his loss of what

, .
r

rrti;rl 16r a truly authentic life. They seem to know that even when thin$s

,,rrr,rl tlreirworst,theyaremuchstrongerthantheythinkandwillbestrongier
,,, .,,rir('level because of their pain. BeethoVen's statement, "I can defy this fate
,

rr llrotrQh there

will be times when I shall be the unhappiest of

God's crea-

It distorted subtle sound, turned low tones into an unintelligible hum, and mirrlr,
crescendos seem like an intolerable din. Nonetheless, he continued to create sorrrl of the world's most magnificent music. The more I read about Beethoven's thriv

rrrrr.,,," (,XClrrplifies his grasp of how the innate psychoimmunity operates and ti rt lrc scemed to understand the dynamic nature of emotions'

ing, the more I understand why my grandmother told me to listen carefullv to tlrt' deaf man's music so I could learn ways to compose my own life.
^As you have read, quantum leaps of thriving sometimes happen. However, most thrivers rarely recognize their invincibility in a short period of magnificerrt

lrr.rrexl time you hear music composed by Beethoven. I su$Eiest you do lr,rl nry glrandmother recommended and listen to how it reflects the ebb and
'|

il,,rv ol lris emotions and his evolving joyful view of life and nature. Listen for how

epiphany. Like Beethoven, they have periods of dismal lows and unrealistic highs. ThrouEih it all, thrivers maintain the key characteristic of thriving, their persist-

rlr,.r'l;rnSes in volume and complex intonationS and moVements seem to be an ,,,l, lothriving,areflectionofhislifelon$efforttobecomecreativethrou$hhis ,itln.irrQ. Listen for how music created by a deaf man might help you stren$then
,

rur own psychoimmunitY.

ent upward psychological trajecto4r. They retain their creative consciousness ano remain engaged with their crises to eventually make somethingi constructivr

from them. without losing their core identity, they keep searching for new ancl more adaptive expressions of it. It is within their struggle, not in their ultimate victory, that their thriving is experienced.
Th e Thr iy er s P sy ch o immun

,trff Ps)chllogical Immun{ry Reqctlons

t)ur psychological immune system is not separate from our physiological ,rrltqne system. They work together as one protective and life-enhancing unit' ilr|V Operate as a complex interactive loop between the brain, body, and mind.
tIrt, are four of the ways in which our psycholo$ical immune systems works in the r',rr;rllel function with our physiological immunity to allow us to experience
i
il

itlt

My interviews with thrivers support what positive psychology has discovered about thrivers like Beethoven. They tend to have very strong psychological

ll, r'thoven Factor.

immune systems. Even at the worst of times, they seem aware on some level of the rules by which it functions.

It Go" Rule: Thrivers seem to know or have learned to let their emotions flow naturally rather than cling to them. They know that it's not being afraid, depressed, or anxious that destroys their lives; it's allowing oneself to get stuck in these emotional states. Beethoven's statement that he would not
The "Let
/1

t\ychological Immunization: By going through several life traumas, a person ,,rrr become to some extent emotionally less sensitive to further trauma. As tit,t,thoven did, people who have gone through terrible stress can develop a psychol,,1iicai immune system characterized by a much less intense reaction to future
,,llrlssors than people who have not been "inoculated" against emotional "antigens'"

Resilience researcher Charles Carver refers to this adversity-induced psy, lroimmunity as equivalent to a dose of chickenpox.s Because we have experienced
+)

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itltcl lltetl tlcirlt witlr;rtt itclvt:rsity onc:c, wc t';rrr;rct;rrirt'ir lnor(, llrircticccl l)Syr.lr1 logical inlnlunc system and al least llarlial cnrotiorurl irrrnrturitv to sinrilar sllr,:,
sors in the future.

Beethoven went through several psychological traumas and various rrrirpr festations of his hearing loss. He repeatedly encountered the stress of de1li1! with various phases of going deaf and trying to disguise his diminishing hearirrpl

llrr', rs;r tlcscrilltiorr ol tlrrivclrbility, ir slrottft'r thiut tvrrr llsyc:ltoittttttttrrity, and rrpwrrrcl psycltttkrgical tr.tjectory it ttrakcs possible. Irr llrc al'tcrmath ol'hccoming krtally deal', lJeethoven faced other crises in his lrtr ,ur(i work. He questioned his faith and the meaning of his life, writing that he ,ri, rr',rsirrgly felt "at odds with nature and its Creator" and "abused by the latter" r,'r nrirl(ing him suff'er so. From these depths of doubt and despair, Beethoven

tIr,

what many saw as his natural reserve or creative preoccupation and abst:nl mindedness were often ways he kept trying to deal with the trauma that lurtl struck him at his prime. He wrote, "How can I, a musician, say to people 'l ;rrrr deafl"' Because of his constant struggle of trying to deal with his problem, lrir
psychoimmunity seemed to become stronger. Beethoven never became totally immune to his life's crises. But like mosl thrivers I interrriewed, he did seem to gradually become a little more immunizetl
apiainst those outside antigens that were invading his emotional system. As whur we can develop mild flu symptoms when we are vaccinated against the flu virtrs,

!,.,' lo even higher levels of thriving. After totally

losing his hearing, he

I'r t'sscd himself with the enhanced emotional strength of those who have had

tlr,

psychoimmunity boosted by severe hardship. His words stating that he was it is possible to be on this earth" reflect that strength. ltruered Expectations: Perhaps one of the most surprising findings from my r rllr views of thrivers was not that they seemed to develop stronger psychological
,r',

lrrrl)p! as

,nrnur)e systems that reacted less intensely to stress over time, that they recovered t,r',lcr irlter a crisis, or that they somehow became even more psycho-immune and

.tr{rrger due to their suffering. It was that part of their creative construing was
tlr, n clevelopment of lowered expectations of both themselves and of life.

still suffered, but perhaps not always quite as deeply. Psgchoimmunological Rapid Rebound: when we encounter severe traunr;r and managie to thrive by making our own meaning out of what happened to us,
he

I had thought that thriving and a feeling of invincibility would be accompa,'r, tl by raised expectations, and thatwas certainly often the case. However, most
I

not only are we immunized against the next adversity, we also become better ablt, to recover more quickly from it. one of the thrivers I interviewed was a 26-year old television comedy writer who had experienced four nearly fatal heart attacks in less than two years. wherr I discussed the concepts of thriving and invincibility with him, he said, ,,well, I
know I'11 never be invincible to heart disease. My great-grandfather, grandfather, and dad all died of heart attacks. But, when you've literally picked yourself up ol'l the floor as many times as I have, you become a pretty good picker,upper yourself. I think you come back a little quicker each time." Beethoven also had a history of being emotionally knocked down hard and often. He was often offered false hope to cure his deafness by those he would later call "cheaters and quacks." It seems he became a little more adept each time at

lrr ivr:rs'

psychological trajectory wavered, often dipping up and down even as its

,,r'r'r';rll course was upward. They not only could find more to enjoy about iife,

but rl',rr irdjusted their expectations downwardwhen necessary to allow them to be happier with much less. They lowered the threshold for being thrilled and 'rrrrch t,,r,iirve themselves for their shortcomings and the world for its random harshrr.ss. As one thriver joked, "lt's a lot easier to feel great when you don't go around
\l)('cting life to be fantastic. The old joke is pretty true. Keep your expectations And you won't be disappointed. Semi-great is good enough for me now." 't'hrivers like Beethoven seemed to find strength to carry on and to refine I lrt'ir explanatory system by not only expecting more of themselves and the world I'rrl also learning to ask and expect a little less. They weren't always steadfastly ,,rnmittd to their goals or unrelenting optimists. They seemed to fine-tune
r
l, rur

picking himself up and returninEi to his creative work, despite what must have
been repeated l-reartbreaking disappointment.

tlrt'ir lives and become

rrryj

as realistic as they were optimistic.

No one knows if Beethoven would have written even more beautifully inspir-

Psychoimmunological Hardiness: The third psychoimmune response relates to rising to an even higher level of psychoimmunity following an adverse event. carver writes, "People who come to appreciate fulfilling aspects of life on a con-

music had he not lost his hearing. We

will never know what he could have

,l,rrre

tinuing basis after a personal trauma are also functioning at a higher level than they previously did. In this model, something about the experience of the adversity and its aftermath has taken the person to a higher plane of functioning.',,'
44

without the challenge of his deafness. But we do know that the eternal rrrrrsical gifts he gave us seem to reflect a resilient spirit and creative joy that ,, rve as examples for thriving.
Perhaps Beethoven was able to share his gifts not only because of a renewed

.rnmitment to the highest possible creativity but also because he was able to
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evctt lowcr lris cxlrcct;rtiotts ol ltltttsr'll" l't'rlr;rps wlr;rI wc scq ils ntirlr,l
cxpr.r'l;r

tic works wcre, lirr lleethoven, contlrrontiscs rrratchccl lo lris adjusted tions, accommodations that were a part of his thrivinf.
Creativ Accomm

uvr':, rrol jrrsl lronr llreir rliscovcry ol wlritt tltt:y itre ablc Io drt about Ihcir ,,,,1,1r rrr,,, llrl ;rlso l'ront lltcir acccptattcc o[what tltcy nlay never be able to do.

\rr1';,vllr;rI tltrivcrsgainthroughtheirsufferinEi derivesnotfromnewfound

dation

Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget referred to the process of mahirru adaptive changes in our thinkin to deal with life events as "accommodatiorr,"

,'r,,,,lrt'n1lllr, but from establishing a better and more comfortable mental ',' 't, lr lrt lwcrrr the possible and impossible. One of the thrivers I interviewed I ,, ;1,111,rst'd ;r well-known positive thinking phrase, "The possible we do immei',t,lr, 'l'lrt'irnpossible takes a little longer."

Accommodation not only takes the form of mental upshifting and incrc;rsr,rl expectations, it can also involve mental downshifting when necessary to a lt,r,i demanding view of the world and ourselves. It incorporates external circtrrrr stances and makes changes in our consciousness not only to fit them in but ;rlsrr to modify and strengthen the adaptability of our thinking. Although we live in a modern world that encourages ever higher expecl;r tions, thrivers have a highly flexible accommodative style. Their explanatory svs tems allow them to not only increase but also sometimes significantly lower tht'ir expectations. Creativity and high-level adaptability can come from this kind ol downshifting of goals just as it does from rededicated upshifting.o In a culture that keeps encouraging us to get more, do more, and say ygs,

ri,,

\ttlr lirilinfl for years to regiain her ability to walk after being struck by a car, tlrrirrt'r said, "We have to learn what's possible, but impossible we have to

!, !url()itlrrore.Liketheotherpatients, ItriedtobeMs.PositiveThinkingatfirst. | ,,,t,lr' :,or[ of expect you to put on your game face and tell them that you will rll, ,r,l;rin, but I knew I wouldn't. People with my kind of injury just don't. I ,ir,lrr'l r,rr;rnt to waste my life like all the heroes around me by going after an
,,,,;,,,',:,ihle goal.

thrivers seem be able to "have less, do less, and say no" when their thrivirr( depends upon it. One thriver I interviewed was a 16-year-old boy whose football coaches felt was destined to be a star. The night before he was to sign his lettt:r accepting a full football scholarship to a Big Ten school, he was paralyzed for lili:
by a drunk driver. He told me, "All the other guys in rehab are talking about their

I wanted to live my life noq not be on a mission that I knew ,,,rltl rrot succeed no matter how many people applauded me. I wanted to get r' r k ;r norrl?l life by figuring out as quickly as possible what was and was not ,,,, ,',rlrlc lirr me in my case. As soon as I finally figured out what was going to be 1,,, , ,rlrlt' and how much I was willing to give to get to that point, I started to deal rt lr rrrv crisis in my own way." \Vc do not thrive because we finally accomplish the impossible or overcome r i , r rt rrdous obstacles. We thrive because we mentally remain engaged with our r,r,rlrlt'nr long enough to find meaning that helps us accommodate to whatever tr,rlrl)r,ns to us. We do not make miracles just by rising to new heights. We live a ,,rrtlt'rful life by searching for the miraculous in whatever life has made for us.
r

commitment to walking again. Not me. I'm learning how to accept the fact that I won't and figuring out ways I can have a great or maybe even a better lift: because I'm in a chair." It seemed clear that this courageous young man had lowered his aspirations but realistically raised his inspiration.
Thrivers are able to make a better fit between the random chaos of living and how they think about life and its meaning. They find meaning in life that makes it more enjoyable because their threshold for enjoyment can be lowered when
need be and raised when nossible.

llr.

voung woman in the wheelchair said, "I hate it, but the whole thing about rl is of really a kind of ugly mystery to me. ' lt'cling anything below my chest sort ,,rnr('l)ou I've got to figure out how I'm going to fit this into my life and not let

,t rrrn my life."

t ( o n sciousnes

Cqtqlry

st

neynd rollltanna
Thrivers are not Pollyannas. They are not blindly optimistic and are far from showing the often irritating feigned cheerfulness that can result from trying to comply with popular psychology's version of positive thinking. Their invincibil-

Itor thrivers, traumas in their lives seem to provide a mentally motivating ,'rsrnatch between their currently operative life theory and life's reality. This , ,ruses what psychologist Jean Piaget called "disequilibration," or a dissonance l,, lween what our life theory predicts should happen and what actually does. l ,n' thrivers, this dissonance is a consciousness catalyst that causes them l, r rethink their current theories and beliefs about the world and their place in

rl

The conscious acts of creation that constitute thriving require

an

46

I'1il l?llpy1111:n;1p,

Arr

t)r[' to'I'ltivittt

acconrmodating mind, one that is constarrtly c:lrirrrgirrg:rrrd rnadc wiser by tlre events that challenge it.
Thrivers seem to know when their current explanatory style is too limitetl t6 handle their current crisis. They adjust it to create a consciousness of lowcred expectations if they must and higher hopes when they realistically can. As illur=

:,1,,r
lrl
I

tl\' lo tlrirrk Ilrirrgs over and conrc

ur-rI

strottfcr atrd m<tre adaptable from the

ll l'\\,

Ir !u;t'likcs Time
\irrrr plrysical immune system helps your body restore health, but it is your you restore meanin$, and it is a sense of 1,,,1,, lrokrgical immune system that helps ,rl,rrrrn{ lhat we need most in order to thrive. We survive when sickness turns to
lr' ,rlllr, lrgl we thrive when suffering leads to meanin$. By its very nature, new and , r r .rltyt, rleaninEi cannot come fast. With rare exceptions, it is less inspiration than

interviewed, a con. sciousness of adjustable levels of expectations can be one of the most important parts of thriving. I spoke with her in the crisis clinic at Sinai Hospital of Detroit a few hours after her own adult daughter had been badly beaten by her new hu$" band on their wedding night. She had brought her daughter to the clinic becausc she herself had gone there in the past for help after her own experience with
domestic violence and abuse.

trated by the following report from one of the thrivers

pr,,h,rrflrcl contemplation. You have read that thriving is most accurately under,tli rrl ,rs :r lifelong process, a kind of constantly chan$ing style of life mana$ement.

"I learned my lessons about some men a longi time ago," she said, crying. ,,lrr a way, one of the best things that ever happened to me was my ex-husband hit. ting me. He did it only once, but that was enough. It adjusted my view of what real love is and what it can never be. I tiied to tell my daughter that. I told her
she was being way too unrealistic about this guy and about what she thought lovc

is. she was love-blind, but I saw it coming because I was looking for it. He was ir hothead from the start and she knew it, but she clung to her romantic notion

that she could change him when they got married. I was sexually abused by my father when I was young, and it taught me that there is a big difference between lust, love, romance, and real caring. She went for this hunk of a guy because she
has the fantasy ofthe perfect man. I can tell you from experience that there is no

lt ,lrr,t.orning an increasingly more creative storyteller, the story of your life. lrr rrry interviews of older thrivers, one of their favorite sayings was, "It just t.rhr.r, lirle." They often bemoaned what they called "the impatience of people t,rrl,1v" ;1s1d "the modern world being in such a hurry." They were eager to share tlrlrr cxDerience that their own thriving always worked for them in the long run lrr r ,lltSg they were able to 'Just wait a while." One veteran of World War II told me, I llrrrrk I'm just beginning to figure out how I feel about what happened to me in tlrt'w;rr. I've beenworking on it for decades noq and I think I'm finally findin$
nleaning and closure. The process has been going on since I came home from tlrt' wirr. Something about the September 11 terrorist attacks seemed to help me Itrrrl lreaning in what we all went throu$h back there on the beach at Normandy.
,,rn t(,

such thing. "You have to have more realistic expectations. You have

to realize that the

essence of love is really accepting imperfections. unless you're perfect, and most

of us aren't, you don't deserve someone who's perfect. You have to get real or you

just set yourself up one disappointment after another. You have to try to find a pretty piood match for you, but you won't ever find the perfect one." When I conducted a follow-up interview with this woman, she reported that
she is "reasonably happily married," and added, "and that's more than enough for

remember feeling back then that kept me lrl1rA. I guess it just takes time, but you have to be thinking and thinking during llr,rl time. If you're patient, you feel a little better because you know you are still rlor ltinS on it and it is not over for you. You don't want to be a survivor all your life. ,,When they say I'm a World War II survivor, I feel like telling them that most ,,t rrs have become much more than that by now. I think that's what might be ,,lrsing the problem for the Vietnam vets. I think they are trying to figure it all ,,rrl loo fast. Itwill come to them. They have to stickwith it even if it is a painfully lrrrr[ procsS. They can't expect so much of themselves so soon."

lt rlkindled something in me that I

me."

I do not know what happened to her daughter, but I

hope some of the

mother's thriver's accommodating wisdom rubbed off on her. Don't expect a personality transplant due to your thriving. If you are a generally joyful, happy person, you'll be much the same way no matter what crisis you face. If you're a perpetual grump and general annoyance to those you live with, you will probably still be that way after your thrive through your problems. The Beethoven Factor does not rcfer to a total personal makeover. onlv to the
48

t\(4, Your E))es on theDqsh

clay's mother. clay is one of my closest I l,rwaiian friends. Like so many Hawaiians, he has mana$ed to thrive through many trirrls and tribulations imposed on the Hawaiian culture by Western interference'

I recently attended a funeral for

49

lri

ltit tltrt't tt I ttt lttl

w
irs

,'\rl t ),/r'

lt

I ltt iYrttt'

Willr lrtrllr, sott[, ittttl lrtttttor,

wrllir.s lcirrs, llrt. lirrrt'r;rl w;rs

rr

t't,lt,llr;rliorr ol lrrr

lil'c, arld it.scentcd tlrat those in attcrtcl;rrrce wrru ircluillly lt,;rrnirrg lo {lrrivt,rr,illr

, r't1r llrlrrr ,

Ilr;rt I lt'irrrretl so lr]ilrtV grrolirtttttl lt'ssotts irllottt llte llt't:lltovctt

the grieving family through their experiencc ol'the perssirrg of clay's rrrotlrr,r. Each eulogy at the funeral seemed an example of thriving in progress. l,l,rr l,
son, daughter, and grandchild shared their memories as they strugglecl t9 lrrrl ll1, loss in the context of their own life and find some meaning in this olcl wolrr,rrru death for their own living. As I listened, I looked down at the funeral anno11{.

ment. under the picture of clay's mother were the numbers 1918-2001. A rrrrrr ister was speaking about a poem he had read about "the dash" and attendirrf: l, the quality of our years between our birth and death. His words helped all ot rrr find meaning in my friend's loss. I thought that "the dash" could be seerr ir, ,r
symbol expressing the place where thriving happens. As I looked at the dash between the years under clay's mother's pictrrrr,, I thought about the ups and downs of this Hawaiian mother's life as they were lolrl one by one by her loving family. I thought how, despite so many problems irrr,l
years of painful cancer, this woman had managed to thrive. I thought how her lrlt

!,,r llr( lrllllirp caplrcity to lirrd sotttc levcl ol cost'ttic joy anricl all o1'our local ,,, lt rr',r:; witlr thesc 1t;rticnts that I witncssed the power tlf our psycholo$ical .,rrrrrrr r,\rSlctrr in actiot't, cvcn whell the physiological immune System WaS peo,i,, i, | ,rr.ll('. lL was among the dying that I met some of the most fully alive i ', r l lrl wot'ld. llrr. ('lrirrese man had tubes in his arms and his hair was gone. I held a plas., r,,,rr'l rrr';rr his mouth as he repeatedly 8a9ed and vomited. Even in this awkjoking style, "l'm sorry to putyou through ",1 ,rlrr;rli0n, he said in his typical r., ryrtlr r1e, but t know you've been through this yourseif. As you can know, i,rt rl,rr.Sl'tkill you...oniyhurtslikehell."Hespokeof hisloveforhiswife ,,,, I I l r\! rc felt she was with him now more than ever and that she was somehow , ,,1. rrrir ;rltcr him. He said his pain seemed to bring him closer to her because he , llt lirrQ what she must have felt with her cancer.
|

taught all who were there that thriving is ultimately found in the meaning assign to the dash and the time it takes to thrive it seems to renresent.

u,,

lrr lris weakened voice, he said, "You know, the Chinese character for crisis is ,,, rrl,. ill) 0f a combination of the one for danger and the one for opportunity (see :,,rrr . ll ). I am in more danger now, but like all the other dan$erous times, it seems r,, trr, y1,[ another opportunity in my life. My wife's death stretched my spirit, but it
macle me stronger to face this cancer. My own cancer has brought ,,,r, u,rlc cioser to my soul. I mi$ht be with her in not too lon$, or again maybe she i , t r rol tear it.

il

It

A Lusonfrom China
To summarize the elements of the lifelong thriving orientation of tlrr. Beethoven Factor and the points about thriving made in this chapter, I offer l_lrr, wisdom of another thriving superstar. He was born in and spent most of his lili. in china. He had lived most of his life in poverty and oppression. He had becrr imprisoned in china for his democratic views and protest in Tiananmen Squarr.
He had witnessed most of his friends being massacred or disappearing forever. I lt,

rll lr:rve to wait a little longer. Who knows!' I'm not $ettin$ rid of the false hope ,,'r rIrr:[ors say I haVe, because for me hope is hope. You don't have to worry about r r, rrrli realifi, because sooner or later it will find you. But you can make a little of to be , rrr ()wr reality. I feel weak but in a way I know this is what life is supposed and now I , ,t I t ry wife and me. You called it the Beethoven Factor in your lecture,
!

I rr,rv why. He composed such beauty

from the troubles in his life'"

had somehow managed to talk his way out of prison and come to America t, learn English in weeks, earn two academic degrees within a few short years, and
become a highly successful businessman. He had come to me for help in dealing with the loss of his wife to breast can cer and, within days of that loss, his own diagnosis of cancer. Reading his appli, cation for treatment, I expected to see someone who looked and acted as if he had

*lu

ftu

been throuEih the psychological mill, but he appeared upbeat, iovial, and energetic. Even when he cried, he still conveyed a strength of spirit that caused wonder and awe in the medical staff.

one night after a particularly difficult and painful chemotherapy treatment, I sat with him in his hospital room. I often did that with our dying patients, anci
50

Figure 2 ilrc Chinese characters representing crisis, danger, and opportunity are related. rlr. left character (Wei-ii) represents crisis as containing danger' The middle lr,rracter (Wei-xian) represents the danger that lurks in crisis. The right charact,t (Ji-yu) represents opportunity. lt contains the symbol for crisis (7i).Together rl,,'se symbols illustrate the ancient Chinese understanding of the relationship nature of the thrivI rr,lyyssn crisis, danger, and opportunity that constitutes the Ir(l response. (Thank you to Mr. Hendri widadi for drawing and teaching me
rlrrrut the meaning of these characters.)

il[

'

l'l rc I|r.1I

nvru

I',rt tor

Al

t)r/r' to'l'lvivitrc

After another bout ofvery severe nelusea and pain, lrc took a deep brcath arrd continued. "Don't think I'm not scared to death. I hate this cancer, I've cried unlll

Llu
,

rrl ;r rrurgnitude tlrat only a thriver will irccept as true,

it arrived as I was

I'm embarrassed to tell you that I have sworn ln chinese at the doctors and nurses. I do not consider myself a fighter and l'tr often more than ready to give up, but I'm still here so I guess I'm not supprxed to go yet. I'm spending my time writing long letters to my wife, and she answerr them at night in my dreams. I think I hear her sometimes, maybe as Beethoven heard. I don't think I could have listened this way without facing what I'm facirrg
have no more tears, and now."
A nurse came to inject more toxic chemicals into the man's intravenous linc, and it seemed to sting him terribly. As he winced in pain, I tried to comfort hlnr by pointing out that at least he was in one of the best hospitals in the world. I le answered,
ask what is the best hospl. tal for your treatment. I think you should ask instead if it looks and feels like tlrc kind of place where you could die in peace. I think you should ask if it feels likc

,,rrrrplr'lur( rny writing of this chapter. lt was a statement by Anwar Sadat that =rl,l "lll wlro cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to
lrirtr;lr' r t:rl ity." l,rhr, lkrethoven, thrivers know how to weave and keep reweaving the fabric
,,t

tlrlrr livcs cven when forces keep tearing at it. By constantly re-creating their ,,,r.r r ons(:iousness, they are able to do what Beethoven did. They remain the cre'rt\r
I

rlnu)osers of their own consciousness.

"l think when you are sick you should not

a place of love and caring that is not afraid of death and can help you learn how to do it. If it is such a place, it is probably a very good healing place;,

My patient showed all the characteristics of a thriver you have read about, His hardiness in the face of terrible pain, his humor in confronting the seeminf,ly unending series of crises in his life, his patient hope despite his physicians' timc. based insistence that he must "face reality," and his ability to construe or imag. ine ways of looking at his situation were always present when we met. And by thc way, not only his healing but also his cure was complete. He recovered from his cancer, something one of his doctors called "unreal." \A/hen I met him again after another one of my lectures, he told me, ,,My cur{: was not as big a deal as people make of it, but my healing was truly remarkablc for me. It was such a difficult opportunity, and it is still going on. See, I have your

list of the six rules of the psychological immune system to help me. I like to read them as I listen to your favorite composer, Beethoven." He showed me his laminated card with the six phrases written in chinese. on the top were the chine.sc characters for crisis, danger, and opportunity in figure2. He said each of them first in chinese and then in English. He smiled as he read, "Let go, have faith, calm down, don't despair, suffer wisely, cheer up." This chinese thriver continues as of this writing to be one of the most successful financial advisors in New York and often acts as an intermediary for American businesses trying to get a start in china. when I interviewed him aglain for this book, he said he would send me a quote someday that he felt summarized

how he views and he hopes others will view the Beethoven Factor. Bv a coinci53

t,w
r ,iri,l ,rpplt't'i;rliott ol lilc's sirttplc
plcasurcs.

inlit r,.,\ l{ull'fl irt Alhr'r't,

,,,,1, tlror,t.wlro krrew lrirrr rcllect orr wlry lltcry llrtrrrrsclvcs ol.tett lackcd his prtlu,;rs;r lrequcnt visitor to my outpatient preventive psychiatric clinic at ,,,,r ll,r,,pil;rl in l)etroit called the Problems of Daily Living Clinic. I designed rr, rr r lrrt in llre early 1970s as a place where ordinary "nonpatients" could come , ,, lr, lg,u'illr transitional life crises before they developed into more serious psyr,, rtr rr tlisorders. lzzie often came to talk with us about various hassles and I r , ., ', ll soon became apparent that we were learning and being helped by him ,'r,r, l1 111111'1' than we were assisting him. He was never charged for his visits, and

l','l

a Tin ding Meaning in Mis erlt

'

,r l1'

l.r,rit' lrad heard me speak at his temple. Originally he had come for help r, ,lrrrli

'n

lrt'came our teacher rather than our patient.

with

"

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide."

-Hen
The

ry

Wa

ds

wor

th t

n gfell

Manw{th theBlue Tqtfoo

with his wife's pressure on him to stop operating his shoe and watch ,,1ro1landjust,asheputit,"SithomeanddrivemywifeGretanuts."After ',1,,,rr !,r pl11'r,i1'11 exam,requiredofallofournewpatients, Itoldhimhowheroiche !, r,l lrcr'n to survive the unimaginable horror of the death camp. He immediately ,,,, I rvrl lr ;rtypical impatience firmly corrected me. Because all of our clinic coun, lrrr1l scssions were tape-recorded, I am able to reflect back often on his exact ',r,1 , ,rS iln essay on thriving. '' No, .son," he said with tears welling up in his eyes. "l am not a hero. I am not
I treasure most is the opportunity to be a man a$ain like all other men I no[ rn animal in a cage waiting for slaughter. I did only what anyone could do. | \\',t', irlr ordinary man forced into extraordinary circumstances, and when that hapyou' There 1,, rr',, llrere is something in your spirit that you can draw upon to help
1,,

, r,rl. What

I could see the faded blue numbers that had been burned into his wrist by ir Nazi guard at the concentration camp, Everyone called himlzzie, and his mod est, quiet nature and wry wit endeared him to all of us at the clinic. He was 8(i
years old, but had the handshake of an athlete, a devilish sparkle in his eye, anrl a healthy glow that made him appear half his age.rzzie had seen both parents antl his sister dragged away in the middle of the night; he had been forced to watclr

,ir,

,' ,
|

r,' lrundreds in the camp with me who showed their strength not by defuing death

,r

rl lrv learning how to welcome it and embrace their lives before they died. "l ask, dear man, that you not confuse defying death as heroic or courageous.
so gives much too much undeserved power to the evil that imprisoned us.

his sister be raped, and he ran away with his eyes closed and his fingers in his ears as the Nazi soldiers shot and killed his family. He had been tortured, starved to the point of skin and bone, and had slept for more than a year in human wastc

lr,rr[

with the unrelenting agonized cries of his fellow prisoners ringing in his ears.
By all medical standards, the physical stress of his ordeal should have killed

lt rr';rs ordinary men, women, and children who proved they were invincible no ,rr,rllcr what was done to them. Life is not only survival. Living long is mostly a r, rlte r of good luck, but living with meaning requires work. You must keep look'r ,,r11 lirr meaning in life's misery, because if you don't, misery becomes senseless' If
\',

him. By all psychiatric predictions, he should have been driven out of his mind from living minute to minute not knowing when the number on his wrist would
come up and he would be killed.
Despite these appalling experiences, the man who went through them was in

)u can't find at least some meaningi in your misery, then

it

is

just plain misery."

tiryttnd Survival

outstanding physical health, laughed often and heartily, and seemed more vibrantly alive and fully engaged in the joy of living than many who had never known such suffering. The way he seemed to relish every moment of his life

I was mesmerized and inspired by lzzie's words. Everything he said contrr rned all that I had learned then and have learned about thrivin$ as I've contin,rr.tl to study it. His statement that what he called senseless misery leads only to

I lt(

Iiiilltrt'itt I it til

ttt,[itt,t,

Alr'rIl/,lr'ltr Altrr'l l'

sLrlli'rirrg

rro l)url)osr, tto ctrrl, lrrcl rro wir\) lo litt'11 [nrwing irrrd drvrloprrrp seented Lo calttttrc Ilte central prcnrisc ol'tlrrivirrg. It dcscribcd thc adalt{ivt';rrrrl

willt

creative framing and construing of events thal lurns tragedy into triumltlr ;rrril ordinary daily living into a wonderful life.

lzzie's expression of his desire to live and be seen as an ordinary rnan w,r,r echoed by many of the other thrivers I interviewed. It was the same mcssiulr. Olympian Matt Biondi had written about in his foreword to my book Tirrrr Success. When he experienced the positive yet still stressfui winning of a su.ir,',
of gold medals, he wrote that despite his extraordinary success and admiratiorr
,r,,

an Olympic hero, his success only serued to make him long to not be seen irs ,l hero. He wrote that he "felt the need to be allowed to be vulnerable again and l,' become more a part of a full life again . . . to share in all the wonderfully ortlr nary chaos of life."' For Matt, success was a form of life crisis through which lrl
learned to thrive and try to rediscover the more authentic life of an ordinarv corr tented man.

Ii,rr l,rlhnlri;rlrottl lltt s;tcrctllttlrs ol lili'lll;rl so lllirllV ol llrcir visitors sctttted r,,,1r1,,\, l9st't'. ls;rwtlterrrlirr:irrgtlrclrossilrilityol theirdetrtlrstttttottlywithfear !,,!r \\'rllr t rrriosity;rttcl deve krltirtg wisdrtnr arrd ir-rsiglrt into their lives. l rt.so ptllty t.rf us, gttr cancer.seemed to haVe made uS Cease any effOrt tO be , tr,r,rrrlirr;rry ;rnt1 begin to retish the ordinary magic of the simple pleasures of , ,,\',l,rv living. When I learned how to look, I could see meaning sprouting , ryrllrt'r.e f'rclm Lhe misery of cancer, andlzzie's words about thriving came to ,,,, ,r1i,ritt. lt loOk me more than ten years after healing from cancer to learn enou$h ,t,,,rrt tlrriving to be comfortable writing a book about it. It took me that long to , llr I I he stories of thriving you are reading in this book. It also took me that
,

t:omb the psychological literature of the new science of positive psychol,,,'r', tlre licld that deals with the ordinary invincibility of the human spirit rather r,,rri'

t,

il,.rrr ils vulnerability, flaws, and frailties.

Izzie's description of the strength and positive qualities of the human spiril
also highlights the focus of the new field of positive psychology and the amazirr;1 life-affirming capacities it is discovering within each of us. His description of tlrr,

t ltt t:ilher of rositivePsychology

I lrlclbeen developing my ideas about the trauma-induced thriving I called

possibility of becoming more alive even when death seems imminent struck lr very personal chord in me later when I experienced that same sense of new mearr ing when I faced my own death from cancer. I learned firsthand what Izzie saitl about surviving, that it is often a matter of good fortune or strong genes, brrl thriving is much more. It is a matter of choosing a new way to embrace lili,
beyond staying alive and to keep searching for meaning in our rnisery. I would feel the ordinary magic of human invincibility and my own capacity to extracl new meaning from the worst mess I had ever been in, and lzzie's life and mes
sage would become

rlr, llt.cthoven Factor since before I designed and opened my clinic at Sinai
l,,,.prtal. I had always felt uncomfortable with the gloomy pathogenic orientation ,,i rrrv clinical training, and often found myself in debaies with my instructors
I

further inspiration for the writing of this book. In the late 1980s, I had lived for months with bald, pale, skinny children try

rl',rrrl the true nature of the human spirit. I had seen plenty of examples of ,, ,rlit'nce and thriving in persons whom the clinical model I was being taught s,r,rlit'ted should be candidates for therapy or even medication. I had seen my l,r,rrrtlparents go through severe setbacks in their lives to be the happiest and ,,rlnrcst people I have ever seen. I hadwatched as my parents strugi$led through 1,, ,r tle rline poverty to make a joyful life for my brother and me. It has always seemed to me that psychology was beginning with the wrong
r,,, rrrise. I remembered my grandmother's encouragement that if we remain the

ing to play like any other children. Dragging all sorts of tubes and bags hanging from the intravenous stand they called their Christmas tree, they chased, laughed, and punched gleefully away at the controls of their video games. I saw
one very sick child laughing and screamingi in victory, telling anyone who would listen that she was seeing the space ships she was destroying as cancer cells and

,,'nu)osers ofOur own consciousness and do not Surrender it to external cir, all of us are much stron$er than we think we are. While the psy-

,lroloS!

'rrrrslances,

I was being

taught seemed to suspect and distrust our unconscious

then "blasting them one by one into oblivion." I sat with old people doing their best to knit or play checkers as their hands trembled from the weakness of their
cancer and its treatment.

I joked with

teenagers

with multicolored wigs

over

their bald heads moving rhythmically through the corridors to music playing in their earphones, just as any healthy teenager would. I saw people of all ages so
\(,

I had been taught that we were the masters of our own mind. The psy,lrolofly I was being taught was assuming sickness and vulnerability first and rlrt rr trying to bring about health, but I sensed that we were all basically stron$ ,,,t| healthy. I felt that the challen$e in offering help to persons in distress was to t,,,l1r them realize, awaken to, and maximize their natural thriveability. l,ike many of my fellow students during my undergraduate years, I had read
t,r rrr.rssS,

'

I'lrc tln1l16Y111

1:t1,

1u,

I i t n/Vl('rl,li,lq ill Alisr't'y

;rll I coLtld ahoul" l}-rddhisnt. When I learncd llurl tlrr nirrrrc lJuddlra ntc;lls lll+i "Awakened One," I wondered what it was lte had awakened to. I read llrrrrrl
Buddha's Four Noble Truths and thought how encouraging they were reg;rrtlirrg the natural resilience of the human spirit. As I look back on Buddha's truths rrou,,

,\r. l)osilivc psyclrokrgy's rcscarc:lt entcrgcs,

it docs

ttot. seent ttverreachinS

t<-t

they seem in many ways to be precursors for the new positive psychokrgy
Buddha could be considered the father ofthis evolving new science. I paraphnrrc these four truths here in terms of what they meant to me as premises for a ps1, chology of optimum human functioning.

,,r'rr lnuniur functioning. At the very least, his teachings provide a perspective positive psychology is learning about our natural ',,r rn(l('rstanding what
-trr rrfllrs.

'r,rrl,,l llritt lJuddha

rr-riglrl- be considcred the father of the psychology of opti-

lt

seems that Buddha's

truths are reflected in the wisdom of Mahatma

is within us that life's battles are ultimately

r. rrrrllrr's leaching that the only devils in the world are those running around in

,,. ,wr) lrearts. He warned that r,'r1,lrl ;rnd Wofl.

r ltt

it

t Buddha's First Noble Truth is that

euergone suffers. Sometime in our lives, we all go through mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual pain. I thought that, if suffering has persisted through human evolution, it must be less an encnly than a necessary evolutional process with some ultimately adaptive purpo.sc,

iringTimes
As I reflected about Buddha's First Noble Truth that everyone suffers, I came

,rtr rvrlll a "tryingi times" test. I wrote

. Buddha's

Second Noble Truth is that we create much of our own sufferiryt.lrr various ways, we all contribute to our own suffering by spending time arrrl

energy regretting our plight or wishing things had turned out differently. I thought that to regret what the First Truth says is inevitable, natural, and ncc essary might distract us from our capacity to find meaning and person;rl growth through our plight. I wondered if our focus on surviving might not prt, vent us from respondingi to trauma's challenge to help us thrive.

it when I was a senior at the University of :lr, lrrtl;rn, and later used it with our patients at the clinic to help them undert,rrrrl lurw Buddha's First Truth might help them put their suffering in a contrrrr'livc perspective. I present my 40-year-tested Thriving Times Test here so i,,l (.ur see that you don't have to go through the experiences of the thriving rr;rr'1sl;115 to have the opportunity at the stress-induced growth in your own life.

,rtltlcst that all of us necessarily go through various manifestations and levels

',t ,rll lwelve of these thriving times. 'l'lrere are many "stress inventories" that list the major stressful times in our lrr'r',,. or of the classic stressful life events tests is the Holmes-Rahe Social Rating, which presents a long list of stressors such as the death of moving to a new home, losing a job, getting a new job, having a child, t,,,rtsc, ,lrvrr('c, and so on. I wanted to use a list that was more general in nature and t,,, rrst'd on our consciousness rather than our circumstances. I tried to arran$e rlr' rl(,rns in a general life developmental task order that reflects the transitional rrrrrts in our lives that can provide catalysts for a developing consciousness.
It, ,rrljrrstment

. Buddha's Third Noble Truth is that we haue a choice not to contribute to our suffering.l thought this meant that our ultimate human gift is our ability trr choose how we will perceive whatever happens to us. Positive psychologist
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote, "The control of consciousness determines the quality of life."'Buddha's Third Truth and now the science of positive psychol ogy show that experiences only ever really happen to us if we decide to allow them into our consciousness. What we do with them there is a matter ol
choice.

llrriving Times Test

Answer yes or no to the following questions.

. Buddha's Fourth Noble Truth is that there are uaAS we can go about changinu how we think, perceiue, and feel.l thought this meant that one of our greatest gifts is that we can alter our own consciousness and frame the events in our
lives in ways that help us thrive. I wondered if we aren't given our trials to allow us to learn how to triumph over them and to discover a more meaningful ancl joyful life in the process.

Do you feel confidentlg independent? We must grow through and overcome our fear and insecurity of being on our own in the world.
Do gou feel comfortablg interdependent? We also must grow throupih our

fear of being dependent in the world. Do you feel worthy of being loved in

the wav vou need and want to be loved? We must learn to move from the

58

59

gl

I'lN IWll pyyl1

:t1; 1,v1'

t:indins Mrttritt{. itr Mistrv

dependent love of our childhood adulthood.

3.

t<r

Ilrc rnattrrc

inte rdependent krvs

i{

llrltr, Uol lipetl un( heatme utmftrtuhle uith ltour own mortalitg? None ,l rrs is truly free to live until we are able to find meaning in the
irrcvil;rbility of our own deaths.

Uou gone through a failed close interpersonal intimate relatfunshtltF In some way at some time, we must learn how to turn a broken heart lttltt -Haue a more loving, forgiving, and strong heart.

l',rr'lr ol the above twelve consciousness catalysts represents an opportunity r.,' llttivint{, tlre nature of a passaEie in life through which we will $row, remain =r:tr,. rrr rtgrcss. Perhaps because of the severity and scope of their life trauma, rl,r llrrrvrrrd superstars were able to answer "yes" to all twelve items. You may ,l rl l r r h rok at your "yes" answers and reflect on what lessons about thriving you

4.

gou had to deal with a major life disappointment? we must rcnrrr that a full life is as much about growing through disappointment as rl tr -Haue experiencing delight.
aou gone through serious concerns about gour financial situathu: we need to find a level of calm contentment and resolve the confrrrl -Houe between the stress of our increasing wants and comfort of met needs.
Haue gou found

't'i\' lr,r\'{'
,

5.

6.

fulfilling, energjizing work? Across the life cycle, all must eventually find meaningful, appreciated, rewarding work.

6r' rp

Haue gou

lmoun and ouercome terrible fear? lnour own way, all of us are afrairl

8'

learned. You also might want to look at your "no" answers, for these lr,rlllrrfes to thriving you are yet to experience. "' [l,rrrv ol'the thriving examples presented in this book may seem extreme. li'r \' nr('ludc trying to thrive because of life-threatening cancer, paraplegia, viotlrt r rnr(', the death of a child, and the torture of a concentration camp' They *r ,rr nlc t:rises, but you can learn about your own thriveability from those who !,t,n rr'n('('d them. Hopefully, most of us will experience much less drastic forms ,,1 lr,rnnrir in our lives, but we will nonetheless have to deal with the same gen., rl r,,rurs identified in the items on the above list. I hope as you read about the ,,',,r,' tllirstic examples of stress-induced growth, you will reflect on the general
rlrr rr,urH

We must learn that what frightens can also come to embolden us and teach rrr where and to whom we must look to find our sense of safety and securig.

lhemes listed above as they are contained in these challenges.

aou gone through uerg serious illness and seuere emotional adrrn phgsical -Haue painl We all eventually experience mental, physical, emotional, ,r

I h'i

rlr(

the Deaf Mans

rymphon!

spiritual illness and pain. we must learn through these times that curing or fixing is not always possible but that healing or becoming whole again is,
9'

gou formed a spiritual or religious belief sgstem that helps gttrt explain euil and crueltg in the world? we all need to be able to mentally -Haue
comprehend, emotionally manage, and find spiritual meaning in the oftcrr cruel chaos of the world.

I olle n listened to classical music when I was dying of cancer' Beethoven's rl I r Symphony was one of my favorites and often the favorite of other cancer r,,lrr'nls. In my lectures about the Beethoven Factor of thriving to $roups r'rrrrrtl th world, I sometimes play his music to illustrate his ability to hear ,rr,,rl lhan he had ever heard before because of the trauma of his deafness. I r,,.,rh of his creative thriving despite what could have been a devastating setback il,.rl lncled his ability to compose forever. During my chemotherapy, I often lisi, rr.tl to his Ninth Symphony to place me in a more creative frame of mind more
'
i rr

,,n(lucive to finding meaning amid the madness of my cancer. It seemed to help

r0.

you known and become stronger because ofa deep personar loss/ We all -Haue become bereaved, know grief, and must learn to turn those fecl ings into new ways to value life and celebrate loving memories.
Haue gou felt total and complete uulnerabilitg and helplessrzess? we musl

rr.

6o

to consciousness by overwhelming healthy ,,r,1 lropeful thoughts thatwould help me dispute cancer's assertion that it had ir r rlnr my life. One of my fellow patients diagnosed with a brain tumor also t,rrrl n1! Beethoven Factor music. She said, "lt's horrible enough that the can' l'ri in my brain. When I listen to Beethoven's music, it helps keep it out of my
|
,

. p tll cancer from metastasizing

learn how to find meaning when everything can seem so meaningless.

,rils(:iousness."

u1

{t

Iltt ljtrllnt'ttt I rtr lrtt

cot)llltctll(:(l on onr ol'rtry lcclrrrt's (lrtrinA it visil to ()rtr clilric. "\'trl yoLl see, kncw wltitl I havc beert saying all .rlong. You spoke Lo us of wlt;rl ytrr called the Becthclven l"actor. You see, lleethoven ultimately did not survive. Nrrrrr of us do. But the meaning he managed to find through his misery helps us lrr';rr what he heard, the joy of living. Survival is always temporary, but the resull: rrl Beethoven's growing through his problem are within the notes of his musit:, ;rrr,l they are forever. Beethoven could not escape the physical prison of his deallr'r,', but he was able to go far beyond its limitations. He managed to escape the pris,rr of his deafness by finding new meaning in his life that freed his spirit, allowr,l lzzic
lrircl

U}

tttrltttt'.

r\l{ii,,///{l ttt Alltr'l'l'

lltrl lrt'r tttttsit'w;ts lt sitcrccl Iilt slre ,,1,1 rrr'\,r'l tiivt'tlrcrrt. lt was tttorc itttport;ttl[ [o lrcr thar-r sttrviving. Whenever ,,.i!!,,\','rrr,v;rs[eittf playcdfirrthcsS6fl'icers,thewgmensaidthatMoshawould ,,,rV irr lre r Ieacher voice, 'shushl Be quiei now and listen to the deaf man's
trl;r\rt,tl lor llrerrr so slrt'corrltl sttrvivt',

, rir,l

,,,i'lrrrrr\'.

ll vou listen as he did, you will hear the way to freedom.' iil.rrrv lirrrcs Mosha would shut her eyes so she could listen more intently' i t,.rr', u,orrld still squeeze out and roll down her face. She would not stop to : , lr, r lt"rrs and kept movinS her hands and swaying her head back and forth

him his own way to listen, and still helps those who will listen to his music lirrrl their own meanings in their life." I thought lzzie was finished speaking and prepared to turn off the llp, recorder, but he grabbed my hand and held it firmly. He had been smiling up ln this point, but his face now appeared solemn, and I could see his eyes moistt,rr with tears. He said, "l have something that might help you think more ahorrl your theories about thriving. The ss officers sometimes made prisoners wlr,,
were musicians play Beethoven and other classical music for them. I rememll'r thinking how ironic that was. The officers probably heard only notes and not tlrr, true meaning of Beethoven's music, or perhaps it was their only source of joy iri their impoverished lives. Whether they knew it or not, I think they were m'rt, imprisoned than we were. They were held captive by the anger and evil of sonrt, one else's thinking. Their minds were not their own. we could sometimes faintlv hear the music, but I think they were deaf to it." Izzie stopped talking, relea.scrl my hand, and stood up. He walked to the window and finished talkin while lool, ing out at the autumn sunset. "I remember the prisoner we all called 'the teacher,"' he said so quietly that

,r .l1 w;rs c<lnducting a large orchestra. She would say the same words about ;, . !lr'\'r'n tlrat many of her friends in the camp came to know by heart.'lf you ,l lr',|{'n to Beethoven, you will hear the way to freedom'' She spoke of r: , I l',\,{'n ;rs if she had come to know him personally.
trlo:rl Iirnes, we could barely hear the music coming from the officers'quar,n,l rrsually we could not hear it at all, only drunken iauEihter, but Mosha

.: ,,

r,,ritl she could hear

it. The weaker she became, the more she said

she

,it,t lrr.;r; it. She became more and more withdrawn and began to hallucinate. i,, ,r,ollrl ask the women around her to listen for music that only she could . rr ,rn(l they said she almost made them hear it too. They said she was losinS ' r . r rr(1, but I think in a way she was finding it. t)rrt' of the prisoners was a psychiatrist, and he said he thought she was i , ,,rrrlrt'nsating and entering what he called a dissociated schizoid state, but she , ,rrll Our teacher. on the night she died, they said no one but the teacher ,,,1,1 lrt,irr. the music, but Mosha said it seemed to be getting louder and louder.
l;ry in her bed, she had closed her eyes and conducted the deaf man's sym, i, ,r11, l1;v one last time. She had come to the camp a teacher, but escaped it as a

ir,

,",, ,llt)-" tzzie stood silently by the window for several minutes as we both cried. He ,',rrrlil irrould and said, "You can turn off the tape now. I taik too much. I do , t r rl, I lrouh, Doctor, that this may be what you mean by the Beethoven Factor."
, ,

had to move the microphone closer to him. "Her name was Mosha, and most of rrs in the camp knew her. The men and women were always separated, but I saw he r sometimes. Her face was scarred from beatings and her face was skeleton-thin anrl with deeply sunken eyes that had darkness all around them, but you could set' that she had been a real beauty. Because she had not been cooperative and refusetl to play for them, they had placed both of her hands on a large rock and made a giamt,
pale of taking turns breaking each of her fingers one at a time with their rifle butts. After

,,rrrilg Out of Our Trance

ll we are to discover our natural "thriveability" without the catalyst of the

lr,r,rrclinary distress endured by the invincible people described above, we have , , Irl,t become aware that we are not thriving. We have to become alert to the ,, ,r lrirnce-like survivor style of thinkinS into which so many of us seem to have r , i l, r r. W have to be less consumed with trying to live a long life and more con' ,,rrrl;rtive about how to discover an increasingily meaningful one.

her torture that day, the women say she seemed more at peace than ever that night. She became weaker and weaker, and one morning we found her dead. "Mosha had been a piano teacher before they took her as she was playing and teaching one of her students. They shot her student but kept Mosha alive to play for them, but no matter how they beat her, she refused. You could sav she should
6z

Itt

llr1111y111 1
'1,

1p,'

l#

f"'

inJ

it r,t,A

l(1r,rl,,rl irt

A I l,sr'r' I'

.il

l'crltitps tltc clotrrirrattcc ol thc;lirtlrogcrric rrrotlrl irr otrr r"trlttrrt,is pt.r;rr,lrr ated by our tacit accep[ance that survival is crrough. lt nray be tlrat, l)cc;rur,{'\\i are so constantly nagged about how vulnerable we are and abou[ [lrt'rrr,rrri threats to our survival, we have lost confidence in the resilience, creativilv,,rl,l
adaptive power of our consciousness. I offer this book about thriving willr llr, hope that most of us will not require the catalyst of a major life catastropltr. irr order to find that confidence again. Every moment of our lives, we are in the process of creating the contgrrr r,l our consciousness, a process that positive psychologists call "meaning rt,rrrr

,i,.r1r,:;pt'ir1t,s;ritl llr;rt w(t

itrt itll ;rcling ottt otlr ttwtt tlrittltits tltl tllt st;rfe ol'

,r1\,r\,ols lgpd l<l be like actors tirkittg directiorr, but thrivers assume direc,, ,,t tlrr.rr owrr li[e dramas even when the scripts contain tragedies. Thriving is

, r,,,,,1 ,r:' t.onslruing stres.slul euents in our liues in wags that lead to new, ''t, t f1'1','l.s 0f harrliness, happiness, healing, and hope. To thrive or not to ,,. , r', , rrrr ()f the most important choices we will mak-e in our lives. Whether i,..1 or lrel led by our lives is ultimately up to us'

,,

1,,

struction."3 Even as you read these words, you are deciding which of thc rrrr,r sages you are receiving you will allow to become a part of your consciousrrr.',,.
Being aware that we are the creators of our consciousness is essential to ening in time to thrive through our living.
+l f-, .' 1^
irr.r,,rh

'111l

licioverl

I lrr. lrrrr1an capacity to thrive through crisis has been described in literature .,,t t,lrrlgs6phical inquiry for centuries.n Ernest Hemin$way's idea that "we

,.,,,||il. stronSer at the broken places" has long been a theme in

,

plays, poet4t'

ne '

Jry

0J

r-xan}n and

Regressrcn

il,trrlosophy. Modern medicine and psychology, however, have often ignored . !. r , n rlr ,rrrd limited their healing horizons to reducing suffering, promotin$ sur, ,t .rrrrl believing that all if not most of us lead lives of chronic recovery.
\rrllror Wendy Kaminer wrote, "The religiosity of the recovery movement is evir.,,r rn ilsrhetoricalappealstoahigherpowerandintheevan$elical fervorof its !, ,rt,lls."'Those who do not acknowledge they are in some sort of recovery are
being in denial or even heretical, butthis idea of the persistent need : , r r r o\'!rrV begins with the assumption that all or at least most of us are dysfunc,, ,,,.rl l,Ositive psychology assumes the exact opposite byviewing us as essentially ,,,,,, ir,,1irl beings capable of much more than a life damned to eternal recovery.
rr, rr ,rr t rrsed of

positive psychology now shows that the linear, step-by,str.1, approach to life is a reflection of choice, not an automatic way of thinking. l,)vt'rr though I tried to arrangie the items on my "trying times" list in a general lrlr sequence, many readers may have noticed that they experienced these tranrr tional developmental times in a different order or even passed back and firrllr through the list items at various times in their lives.
Research
Two popular pathogenic words are "fixation" and "reglression." Negativistic psy

in

chology assumes that life is characterized by a one-way series of development stagt,r, Anyone who stops or goes backwards on this assumed set of stages is seen as at k:ir.rl

temporarily emotionally disturbed or, more recently, "dysfunctional." while tht,rr,

are those with serious mental disorders who completely lose touch with reality ,,r

I,ro11 the perspective of positive psychology's research, recovery is only a just .. ,,,,1 lrt,ginningi. we are capable of much more than freedom from pathology, ,,, ililrll back to normal," or living on the edge of re$ression to dysfunction' As

try to escape it through debilitating childish delusion, most of us are capable .l ,r willful consciousness time travel. We can elect to dance back and forth along tlr.
memories and anticipations of our paths of life. Thriving requires intentionally arrtl consciously staying awhile, joyfully lingering at, or revisitingi and perhaps painftrllv

r r, toltl me, "When you write your book about thrivin$, you should tell your , ,,li rS that thriving is really nothing new. People have been doing it since they
,,rr,rl how to think differently about huntingaftet they were chased back to
ir, r1 1 ;1ys, by a saber-toothed tiger. They probably sat down, caught their breath,

learning from a given psychological time in our lives. In the creation of our con
sciousness, we need not be pu.shed or pulled along a preestablished course.

,,,,t triccl to think about the meaning of what just happened to them so they ,,'rl,l lrrrnt differently next time."

Those who thrive through their crises are able to make their own sense (,r what happens, put it in a creative context that fits their value and spiritual sys

i lti I\tutg(r of nitingBullets

I

tem, and then devise a management scheme that gives them hope. They may psv chologically progress, fixate, or regress for a while, but the key is that ther

lrc work of the positive psychologists is contributing to a slow but sure par-

, ir;'rrr

remain in charge of their own "meaning construction."

64

shift toward learning about health from the healthy rather than the sick. , r( nfc changes its mind very slowly, and the best the healing arts have had to
65

ll
I

}M 1r

,3

I ltr llrttlnylr

l.ttr

ltr

Uffi
. ,,,, rlrrrrlq 1,1,1y gootl orri ol sotrrt'tltirrI
Srrl rr*r

I it nl i t t.r,, A l('rlli,f l itr

lrr'r'\'

ol.li'r to tlirtc ll;rs csst'rttilllv llt:ctt lltc "llorrrrtrt, lr;rck" srrrviv,r ,r r.silit,rrt.(. {r rr ' tati<ln and s.mctir.c.s Ilre lrcr.ic excepti,rr [. thc.strrviv,rl arrcl rcc.v.rv r.trlr, rlr: possibility of thriving still stretches the imagination e[ many scienti.sts,

of trauma for not being mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or even physic;rilv strong enough to "take it.',?

heroinc.\,rr, only those who seem to be stoic individuals who have proven that they can ,,r,rlrr it" and come "bouncing back," we fail to understand its sometimes,,bourrt.rrrg back and forth" nature Even worse, we can devalue and even berate the experience of those wrr,, show their own unique ways of thriving that do not comply with our brrilt,l biter's point of view. we might even unintentionally end up ,,blaming the vicrirrr,

that of those who have felt its power or seen it in a lovecl one. The "pathogenic-survivor-recovery" orientation not only largely igrr6rr,r |!rr thriving response, it also contains some dangers and causes us to mi.ss,rrl ,rr some of thriving's practical benefits. Glorifying the ,,bullet biters" who mirl;r11r, r,, survive against all odds can invite what psychologists Karen w. sairltvrlrr, Howard Tennen, and Glenn Affleck have described as ,,an impricit mor;rr rrrrrs ment on pain and bias toward sublimation and stoicism.',6 If we assume pain is an enemy with no purpose other than to ruin our rrr,,,, and that it must be erased as quickly as possible, we may interfere with thc rr,rrrr formative role pain can play in our lives. If our healing heroes and

vrrV bircl setrttts to llc sttclt;r rtolllt tlrirlg, ,,, r, ,{ r'ntt'r;rss lo lirc:tts otr its practical artd l'irurrrcial bencfi[s, but thty ure sig.i,. rrrl ,rntl itttltort;tt.tf to the eventual thriving of our society." ti rrrltlrr.irrg, ltsychiatry, and psychology limit themselves to seeking only to
,,lrr, r,

,,
.,

,r

lirolp gf survivors or recoverers, they fail to acknowledge and deal

Because they not

,rir llri.

lrorc subtle but important pragimatic side of thriving.

,', | )\'('r but also become stronger and more adaptive, patients may become

lrl,r.lr, lo be patients soon again in the future. By focusing on helpin those r,,, ,rrl tlt'irlirg with adversity to not only rebound from but also exceed their

puts less : , , r ,,u 1nir lcvel of functioning, we help create a hardier population that

!,!',,i'

lir.r.,1lsg they become generally stron$er after their illness or trauma, ,r!,r\,r,r,! rrray also be less likely to relapse. If the goals of medicine and psy!,,,tll.r,rl)y go beyond curing and recovery to learn more about stress-induced
,,,,,rr'tlr, r'lir-rics'waiting lists might shorten and waiting rooms could become less
,

r,rl I)rcssure on an already burdened health care system.

',rr'rlr'(1.

il wt can learn to apply the emerging lessons from positive psychology and ,t,, rvr:;tftrrt offered by those who have thrived, we might be able to help others ,iir,rn('(,their own innate talent for thriving. If we focus on thriving, we can
r'lop ir new form of preventive medicine perhaps better called "enhancement ,,,,,1rr 11c." Instead of "recovery rooms," we might have "thriving rooms" where
!, ,

thus does not rec'rr nize complex posttraumatic adaptations Ii.e., thrivinEi].,,0 My interviews indiurrr, that the process of thriving is much more than being tough-minded and ruggetlll, defiant. In fact, most of the thrivers I've interviewed have not been ,,bullet biters,, who have "gotten over" their trauma to live in an ever vigilant state of recoverv.
Instead, they seemed to have accommodated or taken their traumas in, processrrl them, and made them a part of a new more vigorous, and adaptive
conscious
ness. They are

Psychologists Saakvitne, Tennen, and Affleck, wrote, ,,our culture fbstt,r:, denial of the long-term impact of trauma by urging victims to ,get over it ancr gr.l on with it,' and by idealizing those who 'bit the bullet,' and

,,,rr, nts go to be helped to find meaning in their misery. A society of thrivers ,,rrltl rrgt only be a very joyful and creative place in which to live; it would also

l',
r

rr

rrrt:h less expensive.

",til

Forgt the Co-Thrivers

living in

a state of discovery rather than recoverv.

-1 t hrwmg as

Sound Economics

when I interviewed the family members of thrivers, they had their stories of rlr, rr own thriving. Because they were not prisoners in horrible situations, per,,rr,rlly going though the torture of a horrible event, or facing their own deaths, r l ,, l stories may not sound as powerful or dramatic as the thrivers with whom rt,,.r, lived and loved. They were, however, thriving in unique ways. Their trauma ,,r,, r,vftat was happening to someone they loved, and they were engaged in ttyin$ t,, ln rtl meaning not only in the suffering of their loved one but in the possibility
,,t tlrr: loss of that person.

There is also a practical side to the issue of thriving, and practical usually means economics. If we fail to learn about the wonderfully complex

thriving, our society in general may miss out on what could be one of its most significant social and financial benefits. Because the skill of thriving and makinf
66

nature ol

Aunty Betty Jenkins is one of my Hawaiian 'ohana (family.) As I was writin$ rlrr:; chapter, her husband, Jack, underwent open-heart surgery. When I called \ r rr rly to see how Jack was doinEi, she shared her strug$le to find meaning in their o/

I tttlttt,t, Altrtttitt,t, l,r/ i\ lr.rr,l.l,

il(lv(lr'sllv''l'lrr,tr11lr ltt't lt';rts, Arrrrlv tlt'st'r'ilr.rl rr,w.slrt,w;r.s llrrivirrg ilrr,rr11lr lr, s rrlle rinu.

she said, "It seemed so quiet at home and.s, r,nely rying thcrer rn lrr;rr r,r,l without him beside me' I felt afraid
been to me. of corr.\r. I it all more to my heart. A, rrrr, rrl tle hassles and problems of life no* r....d so stupid and unworth! ,l .r
always knew that, but somehow this brought

lose him'

I thought of how important he has always

and wonclered what life woulcl mean il. l w.rrr,l

moment's distraction from our loving. I always knew what Jack meant to ,.rr, ,rrr,l what my family's support meant to me, but this has ail made that meaning t,r,r.rr deeper and broader. It has changed everything and deepened my rove. J,rrr rrr,l going to take a single moment with him for granted again.,, Behind every good thriver is another good thriver. In fact, these co-thri'r.r,, aren't behind, but consciousry with, their thrivers. They may be doing their trrr rr, ing in the shadow of someone going through a more obvious major catastr.,rrr,, but they are no less exercising their thriving talent. They are becoming a vil,rl part of a thriving system.

'l tlt't';t lrust artd utrconclitional lovc. It was basetl on a mutual under!"'1'11111', rrrrsr, ;rrrd c,nrnrunicati'n sy.stem born of going through terrible " .i:,,trr'', l,1rt'lhcr. rzzie.ioked "frJo' r, if you want to talk about just surviving, talk ! !"\'\\'rt('. Slre has her hands full just trying to survive living with me. r don,t !"",t | \'r', lJ..thoven himself could thrive through that. This poorwoman suf_ :' 'r, .r{ rr grcal silence." saying this, they wourd both laugh, hug, and then kiss
.
1,,,1111'1.

' i l'rtl ,l

r{"" 'rtl(l (irt'lit's cottst;tttl clriclirrg ol orrc iurollrt,r wus cviclerrrcc

rr,[

con-

'" 1 lir'rl lrt'r cntire family was killed in the Holocaust. When I asked her about !" ' ' ',r), r r('r)ces, she said, "If I'm going your in book, you should tell them that a

I lr',rr rrt'rl vears later that Greta had also been briefly detained in a death camp

i ! "t llrr rvi.g

"
'i ri"rrrr

r, tell others

is done very quietly and privately. Many of us cannot or perhaps do

about it. we all don't have the big mouth of this crazv old

Aunty Betty and her husband, Jack, wrote the foreword for my book tir',tl Partners in pleasure. The book describes the Hawaiian concept of rokahi, mtart ing harmonious and enduring loving unity. It described the Hawaiian legen, .l the naupaka, a hardy plant that blooms *iin u nutr nower blossom. Legend hirs rl that two Hawaiian lovers were separated and banished to live apart forever, rrrr, man in the mountains and the maiden at the sea. upon hearing of their terrirrr. fate, the maiden took a fu' naupaka flower from her hair. she tore it in half arrtl placed one half behind her ear and the other half behind her lover,s ear. Now, trr. naupaka's flower blossoms only in one of its halves on the plants in the mountairrs and the other harf on the plants that grow at the sea. This is representative of tht, timeless and enduring unity of love, the kind
offeredin this book wirl in no way diminish the crucial role that co-thrivers play in how we find meaning in our misery' rzzie's wife, Greta, was a co-thriver. She always came with him t, our clinic' she was quieter and much more shy than rzzie,and they often ban tered plavfullv back and forth and argued about sily,**; Ji url.,. ti*. r.rr on a parking meter or if the TV weatherperson had said it was going to rain. sh. called him "ord man" and he referued,to her as ,,old woman.,, She told me, ,,1 hop. you're not going to put everything this ord foor tells you in your book. people say he is so smart, but they do not rive with this ord foor. He is rucky to find his socks'" lzzie laughec) and said, "This old woman is the bane of my existence. If I didn't love her so much, I'd leave her tonight.,,
68

'|

I hope the many first-person reports about thrivin

experienced by many co-thrivers.

with the spouses and famiry members of cancer patients rlrc same "silent suffering,' of thriving Greta describes. I 'rl.tl dedicate this r""l' t. llre co-thrivers, such as mywife, celest, who know suffering, thriving, " " 1 rrr''r rr'ibility in ways that even those who are dying and enduring other hard_ I'is', 111;1v rever fully know. It may be that there is no greater pain to try to learn i ' tlrrrvl tlrrough than the unrelenting pain of someone we love. \ tlt't'per meaning that often comes from thriving through crisis is a pro_ ! ", rrl ,rwirreness that perhaps our greatest fear is to feel alone and unloved in the 'l'lrrivers know that the ones who love us and go so willingly ' 'r l,l with us in our lr lirr the meaning of our misery help us conquer that fear. ' 'r' Even if these co_ l'|r r\'( rs e xist now only in our memory, they are in our consciousness waiting to ' r\'{ .rs ,ur guides. They are waiting like my grandma to help us thrive through

rt'

rrrtcrviews

',

,rr |l,tlll_

irr, ,t inlo heaven, it is the beating of a lovin heart.,,

jr' r r.irring of Henry ward Beecher's words, ,,of

i,r'rrl rre from feeling alone and unloved. Late one night when I was dying and '' r r'trrlr l.r air as my lungs began to fail, I could feel my wife,s heart beating as t" lrr'ltl rny hand. It seemed to be a kind of music that calmed and comforted me r l r ,( ) rredication could. Even at the time of such misery, I came to

'i

\Vlrt'. I was trying to thrive through my dying, my wife, Celest, and my

fam_

understand

all the music that reached far_

'e

, ,1,,r

r.r lrott. Sttclt ortlitt;rry t'vt'ttl.s;rlso clicit llrt'lcclirrg.s ol'warmtlr and tingling tlrc t'ltt'sl trssociatcd with thc clcvation responsc discovered by posi[ive psy"' li,rlrrlirsls.'l'ltc ltorntones cause the vessels to dilate, and the heart becomes

Course [n

Thriveolog

',,"rr' I rl)('ll ;ttrd warm. t trrr't' Iltey learned about the physiology of their chronic gioose bump reaci,,,rr'.rrtl why they had them much more frequently after they thrived through rr,, rr ltlt' lraumas, my patients often joked about having piloerections. One man ,r,1, | fuesS I was a little emotionally impotent before I got hit by that car and 'lrrr,,,,l liilled. Now I don't need any Viagra to have lots of piloerections."
', t tttils

slmptoms of Good signs?

"He to whom the myrterious is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder entl stand in rapt awe, is as good as desd:his eyes are closed.,,

liv it.s very nature, thriving is a contradiction. It is about becoming stronger ,',,1 lri'irrg devastated at the same time and about rejoicing and suffering simulr ,rrlnr

lsly. For example, if we see someone who seems in extreme pain, ang4r, and rllrtlr;rwn, we might assume that person is not yet thriving, but we could be very rrrrrll. As you read in the example of Mosha, she managed to thrive even at the
(

-,\lbert
Ar e Yo u H nv ing p {lo er ecti o n s ?

Einstein
t

rrrrls of her most severe pain.

)rre of

1,,
1',
t,

11;1s[

my patients was an emotionally disturbed young woman. Like Mosha, several symptoms of what psychologists call "dissociation." She would
She was extremely guarded

erection or bristling of the hairs on your body. Hawaiians call this chicken skin. Every one of tht, thrivers I interviewed said that they often had goose
bumps ordina4r grandeur of daily life. Piloerection happens when our arousing (sympathetic) nervous system is activated by our intense emotional response to a life event. It can occur when wr feel chilled, feverish, frightened, or sexually aroused, but it is also a sign that wr feel deeply moved by what we are experiencing. When our emotional reactiorr

How many times a day do you have an emotionar reaction that causes you l. get goose bumps? If you answered severar times, you're probably thriving. Goost, bumps are what doctors cail a piloerection, the involuntary

rrrrrlically withdraw into herself, emotionally and mentally, sitting quietly and

in social situations, was easrli lrightened, had many phobias, and refused to date without several other peoplr' presDt to make her feel safe. According to her family, she seemed to often
',,1'
i

inI out to nowhere.

in

rvl i n her own fantasy world. She held a job, was financially independent, but sat
,l,rrre most of the time when she was not working. Based solely on appearance,

response to tht,

.lrl would not seem to be thriving, but that assumption would be very wrong. tlrrrving takes place in our consciousness and may not always show its process
1,1r1'sically.

to surge through our body, they cause our pilomotor nerve to stimulate our pilomotor muscres (piromotion), resulting in the sensa_ tion that our skin is "crawling" and that our hair is ,,standing on end.,, Because thrivers are so fulry and deeply engaged in riving, their threshord for goose bumps is significantly lower than for those who have not yet developed their thriving talent. For someone who is thriving, a simple sad story, a song on the car radio, or just the recollection of a very important moment easiry
elicits
a
70

causes neurohormones

l3y looking only for some external tangible result of thriving, we can fail to l,,rr.rr about its full process and individual history. Because the result may not live

lo our expectations of what a thriver should look like, we can fail to under,t,rnd the unique thriving process that particular person may be employing. The 'r'.nrirn above had suffered more than 15 years of almost nightly sexual abuse as
rtr
, lrild. She had been beaten severely by her father, then a stepfather, and finally ' trlo uncles who had moved into the house. All of this took place with the approval

,rrtl encouragement of her mother, and the story made national news when the

;lrrilty parties were arrested.

7r

I t

t ltrtl

111v1' 11

:n, 1,,,'

wtp
l! rrrl,r tttorc ltttrriecl:rrrtl

,,\

( rrlllr' itr'l ltrinolu,t,

Orrr clirric stirll trier.l lo intrrvirw ir.s ntirltV prrollltr;ts wr could wlro lrirrl irrllrr enced the lives of our pal"ients, and one o1'my associates irrterviewcd 9ur pirlit,rrl .,

tlistr;rc:lr:cl lili:. lJccirrrsc tlrey lrave lc;rrrred lrow wondert,rlly tttiritculous lil'e can be, thcy can collc across as salespersons urgently trying

former high school counselor. she tolcl us that she hacl recently met lrt,r. lrr
chance at a local shopping mall and was "amazed at how she talked so thrrrrllrl fully and joyfully about her life now. She didn't look any different, but she .sre rrrr.rl to be so much more calm and content than I ever could imagine anyone ll'irrg

t,,,r'll ollrcrsontheideaof leadingamoreauthentic,meaningful,andjoyful

life.

after all she went through." If we make the mistake of thinking that those who have symptoms of nrr,rr tal or physical illness are not thriving, we fail to fully grasp the full nature, rarrHr, and complexity of thriving. If we assume that pathology or severity of trarrrrr,r excludes any possibility of thriving, we fail to understand the full potential ol ,r creative consciousness totally engaged in construing a happier and more nrc;rrr ingful life.

ltt rlr't's oren't alwa7.s energetically outgoing. Quiet, withdrawn, pensive peor,lr r,rn ;rlso be thriving. People who seem reticent about sharing their feelingis ,rr,l ,rplrcirr down and out may be in fact be on theirway emotionally and menrillv rrp. 'l'hey might be in a profoundly important reflective phase of their
t

ilrrrvrnll and consciously consumed in their efforts to develop and enhance

||

r,,rr t'xgrlanatory style,

lrrtt'itttl almost alwags takes a long time. while it can rarely happen suddenly rrrrl rvithout any apparent explanation, thriving is usually a lifelong process. It's r lr)r'css constantly in flux with many emotional hills and valleys along its
upward psychological trajectory.

ft een Thr {v ing D ialect i cs

|

I,r I r('r';rlly

Dialectics refers to trying to reconcile seemingly contradictory position.s lrr arrive at a truth. To fully understand thriving, we have to be willing to incorpor;rlr
and include all of its many paradoxes and apparent contradictions into our con*pl of stress-induced growth. Based on the research in positive psychology and n11,

',t,utt'lintes thriuing happens fast.Peoplewho seem to be "doing toowell much l,rr last" may indeed have managed to do just that. While thriving usually rrvolves protracted self-reflection, abrupt, surprising, quantum leaps in thrivu

rg ( ;rlr happen and are

not necessarily what psychologists diagnose as dissoci-

interviews of thrivers, here are fifteen findings regarding the intricacies of thriving,

.rt rr)r

I or delusional denial.

'

Thriuing and the appearance of suffering are not mutuallg exclusiue. someorrr who looks and appears to be feeling miserable can still be firmly and deeplv
absorbed in the process of thriving.

ltt itutrs can get uerg down on their uay up. On their upward psychological lr,r1t't'tory, thrivers can get very down for a while. Persons who seem to be
I

,lr'pr'cSSd

o "Insensitiue" people might still be thriuing. people who seem emotionallv numb and even narcissistic can still be developing their thriveability. Someonr,

or are "kindling," thereby making their problems worse, may be in a tr'nrl)r)r&r) "down phase" essential to eventually movin$ more "up." Contrary to

r,,rllrogenic psychology's view that depression is bad,

rrr,rl part of living.
Ir I

It is a time

it is a necessary and natwe all need for turning inward, reflecting, and

who seems to have shut out the outside world can be doing some very impor tant thriving work inside their own skin.

vinA to construe our lives in new and more adaptive ways. Like all of our emo-

rorrs,

it becomes debilitating only when it becomes permanent.

'

Thriuing and denial are not mutuallg exclusiue. you can be in a state of deerr denial and still be thriving. people who seem to be denying or avoiding their problems can be buying themselves some thinking time to work on their explanatory systems.

t)uitr!/ cloesn't preuent thriuing. Death ends life, but dying is a crucial transit r,nirl tirTl in our living. one of my fellow cancer patients said, "l used to think
,r r nran! things were so terribly important. Now that I'm doing it, I think that ,lt'irrg is probably the most important thing we do in our lives. I really can't tlrirrk of a more important time to learn to thrive."

'Thriuers aren't aluays likeabte peopre. Their intensified enjoyment of life

antl eagerness to grasp and embrace every moment of living can be off-putting to thost:

People you may think are facing a thrive-resistant crisis may be thriving

,rl llrc highest level. On my walks through the cancer unit on which I spent

7)
7.1

,l

V?

A ('rrll,',rt'

ll

I Jtt'i

ttttltt'

Jt

'*rl

llliltly nlotlIlls ol llly owl) lil's a.s;r palicnl, ls;rw lcrrillle .sickncss, paip,;rrr,l
dyirrg cverywhcre. llowcver, I also saw dranrirtic arrd rrrovirrg exar,lrles

in thanatolosy, rrr' study of death and dying. It should require a residency on cancer units a.rr ,rl hospices where so much thriving is always going on. If we elect to make ir .s,, facin$ the end of our lives can be one of the most important mental, emoti.rr;rl. and spiritual catalysts for thriving in our lives.
courscs

ing. A curriculum

in thrivology should require

,l'tlrrr'

tlrtitu,r.s c.rn saem prettlg weinl. 'l'hcy rkrrr't rrlwirys lurvc a 1]tlttd grasp ol) rc;rlity. lir'( irusc thrivers ltave learned ttrc art of enliglrtened denial, they can seem to be onc tlrriver's spouse described as "a little daffy and out there." They know 'r,lurl llr,rl depression is clue less to the inability to face reality than to not knowin$ rr,lrt^rr iI is healthy to try to creatively and constructively escape from it.

ltt'l.,t|'c of Gurus

'

Thriuing does not require staging in control. people who seem helpress, r,sr, disoriented, confused, and unsure ofwhere to turn orwhat to do next can als. be in the midst of thriving. They may be in an important ,,searching,, phasc
developing their explanatory style and trying out various ways of managirrg their lives. They may be testing to see when a different kind of contror migrrl work or whether the ultimate act of control is deciding not to struggle to sr;ry in control and gracefully go with the flow.
irr

l'rrtting this list in the form of a description of someone who might be thriv.rrt' r('sLllts in a surprising image. Thrivers mi$ht be persons who appear sickly or ,,,lrrrst, angry or compliant, short-tempered or for$iving. They might seem to be
rrltt.rirrs deeply, guilt-ridden and helpless, but also might seem almost giddy and t,,l,rlly in control of their lives. Sometimes a thriver might be someone who went rlrr,rrr11h Hell on Earth and automatically, suddenly, unexpectedly, and for no rt,t)itrcnt reason, became much strongier because of his or her predicament. Other

Despairing ancl thriuing can go together.Feelings of deep despair can lead r' thriving and may even be necessary for it. people who seem to have hit r.ch bottom and lost all hope and zest for living can be preparing to head emotio, ally upward in a different mental direction motivated by the new meanings arrtl purpose discovered through the depths of their despair.

lrlr(,s, a thriver might be someone who seems to have been gifted, lucky, and "saw the light" and began thriving. '\'!rt.r'y-free who suddenly and automatically 'lir see thrivers as guru-like, and thrivin$ itself as limited to only supermen ,rrrl superwomen who are always highly positive, even-tempered, highly enerrlr,lr(, and deeply interested in psychological concepts, is a$ain to oversimplify tlr,. llrriving response. As you have read, the last thing most thrivers want is to be

o Thriuers con haue low self-esteern. positive psychologists are learning that orrr self-esteem is nowhere as fragile and easily damaged as we have been told bv

pathogenic, negative psychology. Most of us have a mature inner adult, not fragile inner child.

;r

Likelzzie, they don't want to stand out. They ,i,.rrrl [o know the joy of peaceful blending in. Like the moody Beethoven, they ,r,.rr't consistently peaceful philosophers with a perpetually positive attitude' tlrt'ir distinguishing characteristic is not their extraordinary nature but their rlrrlily to tap into the same ordinary thriveability that rests within all of us.
., ,

rf irs extraordinary or guru-like.

'

explanatory system. They may need this "good guilt" and appropriate shame emotional, spiritual, or mental energy for a new moral direction in life.,

Thriuing can inuolue shame and guilt. Havinga guilty conscience does not nec essarily prevent thriving, and may often be essential for people it. who are feel ing conscience pangs and shame as they look with anxious concern and derrr regret at something they did in the past can be collecting data for a new
as

one of my fellow cancer patients, Max' was one of the most $rumpy, surly' ,,rrrl;rnkerous people I had ever met. He bragged that he was an "ornery, tougih, ,,lrrroxious guy from the Bronx." He came into the hospital thatway, generally cveryone's life miserable while he was there, and left in a huff when his can"r,rrlc l.r wcflt into full remission. He had gone through horrendous pain and contr,rr'lccl several life-threatening hospital-induced infections during his stay. On rlr,, tlay he left, he said, "This hospital kills more people than cancer. It's like New \,,r li. If you can make

it there, you can make it anywhere. I'm out of this hell-

'The entiretg of thriuing is difricult to see. one person,s way of thriving througlr
adversity may not reflect the true and full thriving resource available within the sys tem in which that person lives every day. fu down as that person may seem, thert, may be an experienced thriver at home helping them begiin to learn how to thrive.
74

Irllt'-"

"try on" several thriving styles while he was hospitalized. He to leave ,r,, rrrld yell one day, close his door and sulk the next, and sometimes try ,r,rllrout medical clearance with the nurses dashing after him. I never heard him
Max seemed to
75

llt lttlllt1t't il

I nt

l]t
Irt,r,rr;rs llrr,groster clrilc.l

,,1

( rrt/,'rr' itt

tltrivilrtt't'

liltrIlr or s;tw ltirtt.srrrilt',;rntl wirs srrr('tlurt

Ihrivc' On
Lhe day lte was

lirr l;rilrrrt,l,,

dischargcd artcl ;rl'trr lrc;rrirrg llrc wonderlirl ncws ol lrr,, cancer's remission, he cante to my room. I was very sick that day and could barely lift my heacl. I had been onc or rrr few people who had dared go near him, and we had spoken a few trme.s l;rlr, ,rr

night. He had told me how little he thought of my profession as a psycholrplrrl and of doctors in general. He said he thought all psychologists were crazy ;rrrrl that doctors were all "in it for the money." He came to my bed, and I thouglrl l.r a moment he was going to insult me one more time before he left. Insteacl, lrr.
leaned over and gave me a gentle hug. "I really had these fools going, didn't 1,,,, he asked. "Itwas my hobby to annoy them and my way of getting through tlrr:, cancer crap." He had tears in his eyes, and said,

I loltl lltt, ltt'tlit';tl sltrrlcrrl tllrl llrl only w;ry I'vc discovcrccl to clctcrrllirtc i{. ,,1rr'o1(,is tlrrivirrg is to ask"'l'lrat rtury sccnr it grcatly ovcrsinlplified alrproach, I'rrl I'r,t'lilrrrd t[at asking the question "Are you thriving?" usually elicits an rrrtr'rr,ril ing response. When I asked an extremely busy and pressured successful ,,rrr,rrr il she was tfiriving, she quickly joked, "Well, I'm able to sit up and take
and she added, "Wow, ',,,rrr r:,lrgrcnt, if that's what you mean." I waited a moment , , ,rrrr' lo tlrink of it, that is about what I'm doing. I giuess right now the answer is

r,,,

pot thriving. That's why I'm working so hard noq so l can answer yes to ti,,rt rlrrcstion later. But I guess I'll have to think about this, if I ever have the
1'1

11

!rtrtr'-"

'lir learn about thriving, you have to listen and really hear the person's
i,

I'll come back here and turn off your

hand, and left.

"lfyou tell anyone I huggecl yorr,

rrry

, ,\\r('r

when you ask if they are. If you tune in to not only what a person says but

oxygen." He smilecl, winked, shook

A nurse came to my room, perhaps to see if I needed assistance after wlrirl she feared was another angry outburst from their problem patient. ,,1'm happy lirr him," she said, "but he's as much of a pain in the ass now as he was before he g,l the great news. He hasn't changed a bit. He just walked by our nurses' stati,rr

,,,lro\^r, and if you listen carefully for their general explanatory style and curr, rrl lrlrilosophy of life, you will usually be able to tecognize a thriver. If it seems
,1

r,, r,otr that they are generally on an upward psychological trajectory and fully rrrlnl;rll! engaged and attentive to life and why and how they are leading it, they ,rr.r1, bc thriving despite their current mood. Most importantly, if it seems to you rlr,rl llrey are savoring their lives by engaging in regular basking, thanksgiving' ,,r,rrve ling, and luxuriating, you will know they are experienced thrivers.

with

a big smile on his face and flipped us off.,,

From the perspective of the variations on the thriving theme I am descrih ing here, I disagree. In his way and in his time, that first small demonstration ol caring and vulnerability marked immense girowth for Max through his crisis. llt, seemed to be in the midst of beginning to thrive. So What in the HeckIs Thriving, Anyway!

ttn we neally Love a Challenge?

'l'hriving happens when we face a challenge, and a challengie always rrryolves a significant change. We often say we love a challen$e, but in reality \\,,. sLre m to dislike and often try to avoid the real changes in our lives that are tlrt cssential prerequisites for thriving. In his typical jokester style,Izzie said, ('llirnge is inevitable, except from a vending machine." Another characteristic ,,1 llrrivers is that they not only expect change, they come to seek and thrive lrr'r';ttlS Of it. I define a iife trauma as any event that significantly challenges our current , \t)lirnatory system. It is anything that demands our attention, stops us in our
tr,rt'ks, turns us around, and causes us to rethink our lives or look for new meanbecause of what has happened to us. A life change or trauma, then, is ,rrrvlhin that impacts and changes the direction of our lives. Positive or nega-

After one of my lectures to a medical meeting about the complexities

anrl

apparent contradictions of the thriving response, a young medical student said, ,,so what in the heck is it, anyr,vay?" The shortest, most inclusive definition of thrivint

that I've been able to come up is that thriuing zs slress inducecl growth (sIG). The emphasis in this five-word definition is on the word ,,growth," but thal growth may be a form of mental, emotional, or spiritual becoming that we havc not typically associated with words like "resilience" and ,,thriving.,'we all grow at our own pace, in our own way, and from different starting points. Thriving is moving mentally and emotionally up in our own unique way and at our own pace from wherever we may have been when we first encountered our thriving turning point. Perhaps most of all, it is the recognition that we have been languish_ ing instead of flourishing.

rrrli in
tryt,,

it

it

is any challenge to our expectations and current explanatory systems.

Instead of trying to survive or cope

with change, thrivers come to relish it.

l,or Ihem, change is something to be accommodated, digested, and processed, rr,,l something through which they try to quickly pass. The very definition of life

Z6

lt llrt lltttt't n I tt

lttt

,'\ ( ( rll, r{ ttt I ltt it'Ltl,,t l'

is ils tlvrrirrrrir'sl;rlt',;rrrtl nslT,zj( lroirrltrl orrl, "('lr;rrr11t,is wlr;rl lilt,is lirr. wrllr,rrl it, yorr lre clcad everr rl'yorr urc still llrc;rllrine." Change
i.s

oftcn painful becausc iI denrancl.s tlrat wc givc u1l [6c .secrrrrlv,l llr,

lir.r,1rS('slrr, lr;rtl bt't'rr rrry p;rtirrrt ir li'w vt'rrrs lrt'lirrtr, wlttrtt slte lracl;rsktcl lor ,., l1,1l111rrrg lrrr tlivorcc, I wirs t:itllcd to "t'vlrlttltlc" arrd lre lp "prcscribe treatment i ,, lr.r "'l'lrt'rcl.errirrf cloclor who callet.l ntc said, "'l'lris lady is pretending to do
,

familiar and comfortable. Change creates the clisequilibriurn that Lhsvgr.s trrrrr into catalysts for changes in their consciousness. It is the necessary clrallcrrlqr,r,, their explanatory style that makes it keep growing and becoming more adirl)rr\,,,
You may have noticed that it is usually just when things finally seenr sr;rlrlr just the way you planned and predicted that something happens going and t, , rr.r,,,

il t.rr loe sgon. She's trying to

be maclro about the whole thing, but

I told her

i!r,l tlrrs is p6t one of her football games. This is a real-life tragedy and she has i , r'r, rl llr;rt way before she can survive and recover. If she doesl't face up to real-

'r

rrrtl lritc the bullet soon, she's goin$ to become a very, very sick lady." \Vlrcrr I entered the room, I was alarmed to see how badly beaten she was. Her

things up again. The statement, "we make our plans and God laughs,', reflecls rlr,, inevitable chaotic nature of life for which our capacity to thrive was createcl.
P o stf

. r \\,('r-(, almost swolien shut and deep purple bruises extended over half her face. I l, i r,r\\, was misaligned, so her speech was muffled. She mumbled through her
i

r aum at ic

fhr i:t ing

r,, ,l, .rl

"Oh shit, now they've cailed the shrink. I think these wimps are too weak with me and handle how I'm handling this, Doc. You've got to tell them that I r r r nol nuts, or at least not more nuts than you know I always am. I knew they'd
, ,,
r( l,

r1cs,

one of my patient's traumatic experiences provides another example of'rlr. mysteries of thriving. Her experience came just when her life seemed to be finrrllt going the way she had always planned, If there is a law of thriving, it is thirr ,r major warning sign of a big change coming in our lives is our feeling that evc11,
as we planned it. sharon showed remarkable thriving after a gang rape that left her near deallr, In fact, her thriving was so sudden and strong that her doctors were convinced tlurl she was in deep denialor repression and suffering from a long list of other psyclri atric problems due to her refusal to face the reality and pathogenic mapinitude of ht,r

,ll ,r slrrink because they can't deal with how I'm dealing with this my way and li, 'rr' l;rst I'm getting over and beyond this. They keep saying, 'This is goin to take , l,,rr11 tim to get over,'but it hasn't. Damn it, I am over it. It's still there, but I ,, ,rll1, 1l1v feel that I'm on top of it. Get it? I'm over it because I got on top of it?"
Slre laughed and then stopped as she winced in pain. The nurse chan$in$ one ,,t : ilr;rrgn's bandages shook her head in disbelief at hearing humor at this terrible
I

thing is finally going exactly

rrrrt'. Shc gave me the "didn't we teil you she was sick?" look and left the room.

I sat next to the patient's bed and held her hand. "lt just happened suddenly,
I r, ,r ,
,

." sh said, much more seriously now.

rse

"l can't explain it' They sent in some rape

crisis. As one of them said, "She just is not facing the reality and seriousness of wh;rl happened to her. She will only get sicker if she keeps thinking this way. She can'l survive this by how she's trying to deal with what happened.', This doctor was mort,

had just stabilized her life after a bitter divorce from the man for whom she had given up so much, and had gotten her financial affairs in order. she had played

right than she probably knew, for sharon would never be content beingi a survivor. Sharon was a police officer and single mother. she was born in London and had been a police office there before coming to the united States. she changetl her life completely to marry the American who brought her to the states. sh.

lor who started telling me how I would or should feel and the stages I would to go through to recover. 'Give it time, you've got to give it time,'she kept say,r i1 ,, but it didn't take me any time at all. She told me that I would sut"uive this, and I t,,il lrer that was not nearly enough for me. I told her I wanted more than to just sur'ru Ir,r\,('
r

rlt ard that I actually felt stronger than I did before, and then I threw her ass out."

I could see that for this time in this crisis and in her own unique way, this ,r'ol)1o was thriving. i wrote on her medical chart, "Diagnosis: Thriving in goodt,roeoss" Prescription: Do not disturb," and leaned over to gently hug her
i,r,r.. She

put both of her very muscular arms around me and began to sob. "lt's

fullback on one of the four football teams in a local women,s league that had received national media attention. The rapists had held her captive for nearly two
days and repeatedly sexually assaulted and beaten her. only months after her horror, she had returned to a local community college to begin work on a degree. Even on the morning after the assault, she had spoken with a toughness ancl

humor that made her doctors and nurses uncomfortable and eventuallv led to their diagnosis that she was in ',posttraumatic shock."
rB

it," she said, "And I'll be goddamned if anyone is ;,oi1S to stop me from dealing with it in my way and in my time, not theirs. I got ,,r't'r it suddenly, and I can't explain that to them. I put up a mental wall so the ,.rpe wouldn't take over my brain. If I have to keep getting over it, I will. For now Ilris works for me and I don't need anyone to mess with how I'm handlinpi this." I sat back down and we talked quietly together about "her way" and not "their rv;ry" sf thriving. As she dried her eyes, she said, "I should have known it. I finally
,,,v body thatwas raped, damn
79

{fur
,,1

rrllr:sr'

iu I ltt iyr,olot t,
remarkable

lutd trty lilc togtrtlre r. Atltl yott kttow wlurl, I lr;rtl irrsl lr;rtl

in chargc .r rr life, life knocks you on your ass and beats the helr out of you. Heil, I,m a crp ''r v'rilr a black belt, and the bastards still got me. someday, some way, and no mattcr rr,r r.rr that rape counselor said about letting it go, I know I,m going to get them. Arrtl .r,,.r, if I don't, I feel stronger because I think I wil. can't they leave that alonei,,, we talked for about an hour more, and when I got up to reave, grabbrt,tr
she

when they grabbed me-and on the clay after Thanksgiving, of alr crays. r,irr rrrt, rrr.,r time in my life, I had all my christmas shopping done more than a mongr t,;rrrr, I should have seen it coming, because every time you think you,re

l-inle'lLiswhatcvorywotttattlorrgslirr. Ihiril lirtrrlrurvybirgswitSrrel 9rrt, lrrll lrrr,, ttem in any of them. I had to put the bags d,wn [,,pcn rhe car cr..r,;rrrtr rrr,rl

llrr slropllirrg clirv,l

,r lrt,

,,
',

\\'lrrlt'tttittty vit:littts ol'tnrLtrrrl l)ct'orntr strrvivor.s or show

rtr{'n( (',

rrrrr".l st'xturl

lt:ss;rllcntion lras hecn paicl kr [he cor-rtroversial possibility that some

as.sault manage to thrive because of its horror.

ther;rpy, without going through a predetermined set of pre_ t rl'lr'.lr.tl stirfe.s to enter a lifelong state of recovery, some victims manage to ii!!r\', 'l'lltv have more intimate and loving sexual relationships, and are able to t ' r .rr(l lrc l'ved again at levels they may never have experienced before.

'

':,,,rr1,'',

willr,u[

withoutsupport

hand' "F-or God sake, Doc" she said. "you know that I know that I,ll flVr gel rlr.r,r guys. Don't write that in my chart or they'll be back at me again about my angrr i, rr how I have to let it out and ret go of it. I just love fantasizing about what l,cr 1, r. them if I caught them. you know I'm devastated by please this, but teil them t, r rrl me some slack. I doubt this hospital has seen many raped black British female cr,1,,, who are football fullbacks, so I don't fancy that I fit too well into their idea of rct.'r, ering. I'm afraid we Brits deal with our emotions a bit differently than you yanks,
I

rrr',

llrrs irr nri way means that support groups and therapy are not crucial, vitally 'irr1',tl,rrll' ;rnd sometimes essential processes for many victims of sexual assault. It t,, . rrrrlic;rte, however, that thriving is one of the most uniquely personal of our r" r,r r r';rpacities. The best therapy for thriving is to help patients develop their own '.
1'l.rrr,rl,ry systems free of the therapists too-often pathogenically based biases.

llr,s. offering help to my patient focused on what they had been taught

by

fu I wrote this chapter, I tried to contact sharon. After several failed attempts, I was finally able to speakwith one her former football teammates. she told me srr. had lost contact with Sharon but had heard that she had returned to live in Loncl,rr and was recently remarried. She said, "you know Sharon. She's a very strong gal, .rrrl that attack only seemed to make her strongier. It was strange, though. when I thirk about it, she seemed to soften up a bit in a way after her attack. she stopped playirrg football and gave up herjob as a cop. she went back to school to study art and thcrr moved to England. I don't know what she's doing there, but I heard from one of hcr former teammates that she's . . . doing great and, of alr things, is painting waterc.r ors and really into art." Based on this report, it seems that sharon was thrivinq.

way. I think we're a lot less public about them. you know, stiff upper lip and all tlurt

;r.r,

tlr,

ln their eagerness to help us through our problems, those who counsel might consider being careful not to suppress this rare but unique quan'lr.rrls t,rrrr llrrivirg response by imposing their concept of coping based exclusively on
rrr r;r.:'
1'

r'

r',rlr,11r'ric psychology about surviving and recovering from sexual assault. Her , ,|' { ounselor had told her that she herself was a rape survivor who would be in I tlI ol'recovery for the rest of her life. While this information and orientation ,',r1'lrl lrr extremely helpful to thiswoman and othervictims, it can restrict the tlrr rr'r rll rf many others. Thriving can be the kind of long-term process to which i , r ,r rnselor was referring, but sometimes thriving happens instantaneously in " !ir, l,nn of what psychologists william Miller and James c,deBaca refer to as a , 1r r.rr rl l nlt psychological change.", lit'scarch on thriving reveals evidence of dramatic transformations that seem !', l,r[t' place from "out of nowhere" and in ways not yet fully understood. These , | | rt' t rue mysteries of thriving, times when for apparently no reason, we can '' 'r'lrl.rrly feel enlivened, empowered, and strengthened because of a severe

'

gr,1{111;gsnically based goals

of survival and recoverv.

open-Mindeduelp
ing about the experiences and stages of adjustment from prior rape victims. However, thriving even through that or any other horrible trauma is
vidualized process. Expecting a pre-established coping style based on pathogenic assumptions can restrict the individual's development of their own explanatory style and inhibit their search for their own sense of meaning and manageability.
8o a

r t ttrriculumfor Thriveology
'l'lrrse trying to help the patient described above kept trying to deal with ,lr'rl llrcir pathogenic training taught them would surely be depression due to

Many rape victims benefit greatly from various forms of counseling and learrr

highly

incri

i"rr('ltr.salorinabilitytofacereality.Theyfailedtoseethatitisoftenrealitythat

rrlrlt'rs us so and that creative denial and carming self-delusion can help buy us Irrrr. lr) begin work on altering and developing our explanatory systems. They , r (' r's.sc.ti.lly well-trained pathogenisists, not thriveolof,ists.

,\l

z1

( rrll:ir, itr'I ltriyrolol.tt

we worked from a difl'erent perspective. Wc

Itt tltc otttpat.icltt c:linic I Danrecl Ilrc l'rolllcrrrs ol l)irily l,ivirrg clinic (l,l)l,t

predisposed

to the study resilient or "stress-resistant" children. '| writing about the dominance of the pathogenic paradigm, he has stated that ,,health practitioners and researchers ar(,

In order for a "thrivin$ therapy" to evolve, therapists will have to abancftrrr their nearly exclusive dependence on the pathogienic model, They must learn t' identifu, study, and herp patients mobilize their naturar human resiliencc, strengths' and virtues. one such psychologist is Dr. wlriam Garmezy, ir researcher at the palo Alto center for Advanced Studies in the Behavioral Sciences in Palo Alto, carifornia. He directs a program dedicated

.rrrl that these adjustments overcame but failed to take psychological advantage oI r rrt, transitional problems in our lives. Most therapists are trained to assess the sigrrn of problems, surviving, and recovery. we are taught how to herp a patient rettrr, to "normal" but not how to help them transcend normarcy. A, an alternative, clinic offered the choice for thriving through the problems of daily living. 'rrr There may be immediate life trauma for which survival itself would have to lrr the ultimate goal, and conditions for which liferong recovery may be the only artcr native' Just as we must avoid the dominance of the pathogenic rnodel, we must ars' be careful to not convey a tyranny of thriving that makes those who intentionallv and freely choose survival or recovery feel guilty or somehow ,,less,,than those wlro are able to elect the thriving path. However, even for those who choose survivar recovery, it seems possibre that some degree or form of the emotionar, mentar, .f spiritual growth of thriving can stil be possibre and shourd

not,,treatment,,,and were forcve r i, search of their symptoms of well-being. It was only because the hospital insisl.rl that I include the word "clinic" in the name of our program that the name w,s ,rl our door and letterhead. "clinic" derives from the Greek klinike, referring r, "medical practice at the sickbed," and that was not at all our orientation. we wr,r.r, concerned with facilitating psychological health, not treating mental illness. In the pDLC, we assumed that survival and recovery *r. no, enough

to those who came to us as clients, not patients. we saw ourserves as teachers, therapists. We were concerned with learning,

saw,ur clicrrt.s'challerrges as exislirrg not inside them but in their interactions with others ancl their worlcl. we rcl;rlr,rl
rrrrl

lilrst'tl ott tlrc tltrivcrs I'vc studi0d, [rcrc is;r grrelirrrirrary curriculum fgr posrtrvr' psyt'lrokrgy and the traininS of thriveologists.

\ t urric ulwn in Thriveologlt

lilrrlcrrtswouldreadcasestudiesnotof thesickandtroubledbutof peoplelike

l,'zrr', sharon, Mosha, Beethoven, and other thrivers like those you are reading
.rlr,11l. Js5l as doctors have for so long tried to learn about health by examin_ rrrl ('irsc studies of the sickest among us, so "thriveologists,'in
Ir

r'

|,

training would

learn about flourishing by studying the most thriving among us.

r'ilrrrlcrrts would study how thrivers seem able to constantly broaden, modify, ,rrrrl strengthen their explanatory styles and "frame" life events in a growthIr'rrrotinE way. This would include reading the works of the positive psychol,11isls as presented in the Thrivers Manual in nart 2.

'
,

llrt'v would learn how so-called unhealthy psychological defenses might also
lrr'lp them be on the psychological offensive by serving as creative psychologi,rl strategies for transitioning through life,s challenges.

'

'r

be offered.

l'lrt'v would study ancient philosophies, cultural mythology, literature, poetry, r'l;rvs, music, and the lives of those who created them. They would learn to look rr,l only at the angst that often accompanies creativity but also for the wavs lrilllrly creative people learn to thrive through their suffering.
l'lrcy would read about Buddha's Four Noble Truths as they apply to health and lrr';rling. Thriveology students would learn that suffering isn't sick but essential ,rrrtl rratural, that we contribute to our own suffering through our

'

unrealistic

,'\t)()ctations of a life without suffering, that we have a choice as to how we will r'\l)lain and find meaning in the world and our lives, and that there are wavs we
(

,rr) cxercise

that choice to become more consciously creative.

chopathology, and weakness wherever they look.,,n A new therapy for thriving would look for common strengths, signs of health, and the power of our natural resilience to move u.s on to thriving. It would not only diagnose problems but analyze potential, and the first clinical question might be not ,,what,s wrong?,, but "what's right?,,

by interest, investment, and training to seeing deviance, psy-

'

l'ltcy would study the research being generated by the newly established positive l'svcholov Network founded and coordinated by Dr. Martin seligman and conr'r:;lirrg of three centers: positive emotion, directed by psychologist

Ed Diener;

lrsitive character or traits, directed by psychologist Mihaly csikszentmihalyi;

,rrrtl positive institutions, directed by sociologist Kathleen HallJamieson.

8z
,'i t

l'ln lVillnwu I\ntor

ww
'

A t rrl/,1'in Ihriwolott, { ,tlr.,('ri lrr worltl strcss allcviltiott c:ortld llt: ollcrccl. ltrstcird ol teaclritrg stress root causes 'r.rrr,t1,.('ilr('nt, strrdcrrts would ltc taught t0 ide ntify and address the
,,1 ,lrt'ss ;rrrd

ll

r'l'ltcV wottltl rclrd cxtcttsivcly;rhottt tlrc rrrsc;rrr:lr irr lrrrnr;rrr corlscri11rrsrrsss, r,,g nition, and the rnarty [lreories of what cor.r.sciousrrcss is irrrtl lrow it srt,rrr:, l, work at a level of much more than just one brain in one body.

sufferinf in the world in general.

required in developing the sense of humor, including The Joy of

'

To help broaden their understanding of consciousness, they would study slrrrr,l parapsychological research, including studies on the power of intent, presr.rr

ri

l,r'.',r's worrld be

It, rrrtl Alrrrorrnal, He or She Who Laughs . . . Lasts, and The Art of Mirth-itation.

tience or "knowing ahead of time," and other "psi" phenomena, ancl quarrrrrrrr events such as nonlocality and the influence of observation and what is ob.srrrvr,r
I

, tll ,lrrtlrnts would be required to write a dissertation on their own "thriving

,

r They would be trained to

recognize some of the constructive and instrtrclivr,

'

r,,rlt'1," someone in

their lives who helped them find meaning

and joy in living.

aspects of depression and in how to free us from our "happy-philia,', our crilr pulsive love of happiness and dread of sadness. It would teach how we can lt,;rr rr from our sadness to discover the true and deeper sources of our comfort antl i1v

'

Thriveology students would be required to take a series of intense coursrs rl life appreciation. classes in music (including a course in the Beeth,vt,rr Factor), art, poetry, dance, and the gifts from various cultures past and prt,r ent would focus on the ways in which people come to appreciate life to il., fullest.
They would take required counterpathogenic courses such pre-viagra sexrr;rl Joy, Healthy codependence, The Joy of Being Dysfunctional, Releasirrp Repressed Memories of a Great childhood, and Gifts My parents Gave Me.

\li ,,lrrtlents would be required to undergo personal in-depth thrive-analysis and r tr,rt irrf of their own thriving history. Enhancement groups might be formed ,rr u,lrir:lr the students discussed their strengths, virtues, and thriving abilities tlrr,rrflrout their lives and the lives of their families and friends. They would rrrr rS on how many things their parents did right and how they loved them in
tlr, rl r rnique if not always perfect ways, how their siblings were not always rivals,

"inner adult" was just crying to be recognized 'nrl lrow their strong and mature rcleased. They might cry together about the wonder of how strongily

'rrrl
,

, ,rlit'nt they are in spite of a less-than-perfect childhood. They might try to dis,,\,('r how they were benefactors and not victims of an essentially good life. The

'

,,[,.rnced group might even search for its members' deeply repressed memories
,,1

lorfotteri loving and healthy sexual intimacy that will help them love.
l'e rhaps

fu mentioned earlier,

they would do residencies on cancer units, at hospicm, and other places where intense thriving is in progress.

r TheV would be taught how to interpret research findings from Aar.rr

Antonovsky's "salutogenic" perspective described earlier, meaning they woukl learn how to look at the "strange percentaEie" in any study that don't seem l, fit the dire predictions of the pathogenic approach.
o They would be taught to aim higher than teaching patients how

this positive psychology curriculum would help free us from a pasrll w;riting for good luck and freedom from suffering and allow us to realize that , rr t' well made to not only survive but thrive through life's problems of daily l'''rrr1i. lt might awaken us to the truth that our capacity to thrive depends not on lr.rl we have or do but on how we choose to be and our ability to take charge of
,

,r

r ( )wo perceptions. 'l'lris thriveology curriculum would not be a psychology of mind over matter.

to cope witlr

or reduce stress and anxiety. Instead, they would be taught that these processes are essential motivators for and signs of growth. They would learn that, if wt, realize and actualize our unique human skill of controlling our own percep tions and constantly creating our own consciousness, we can be relatively frct,

it would train its students to put their minds on what matters most in l,,rrlrrrlj a life of delight. They would be taught that it is what they choose to put ,,rr llreir minds that matters, their unique capacity to be the composers of their ,,\\'n consciousness and not mindless reactors to the outside world. It is in this
Irr'.lr';rc[,
,

u' t hat students of thriveology might learn to search for the ordinary magic and

I'r rll of

thriving that would help their patients lead a life full of the joy that

Eiives

rlri nl goose bumps.

from the ravages of stress.

64

li5

,'ff
(
()//.\r /()l/.\

A( /.\ rr/

('t.tlliOtt

r"
.rill

rlr s()lll('vcry.st'riotls tlcrtill ;rrrtl tlr;rl wt,slt0rrltl order a p.sychiatric con_

llrr' ,rlr.vt' stat,ncrt wa.s rracrc by a drctor-rn-training working for the first !:'!!'| !'|r,r (';rrccrunit. Ihearditwhenrwasdyingofcancerandjustafterlhad
c"rrr rlrr,rrlllrseveral coursesofchemotherapy,whole_bodyradiation,andabone
lt;rttsDlant fclr Stage IV lymphoma. I had heard the medical staff describe rrl 'rrrr rrv reilow patients in much this same way. we werepuzzring to them ! ! ' ,r',r' ilrt'v c,nfused being hardy with being free from ilrness, and their patho_ ts'I '!''| { rrt'r'irrr for wellness was limited to not being near death. They looked for "' irr' "" ,r'its absence, not the mysterious presence of thriving. until they had "rl'r'rl ;r krrf time on the cancer unit, they were not prepared to deal with the ," !rr\' rrvir)(.ible souls busy thriving there.
'

'

'

rt I I r\\'

6 Consc[ous Acts of Creation

"lt

seeffis abundantlst clear that consciousnes,directed

intention is a powerful

jtrct

t, r r'

1 1

ill s, Ituf Not lnviolqble

that mustbe incorporated into any new scientfic paradigm.,,

-W.LIliam

d. riller, rh.D.,

physicist and author

of

coNscrous Acrs

.r

cREATroNi Tar El,rrncr_l,rcr or a

Nrw

pnysrr.s,

rhk

Realll weird

more my sense of hearing, smell, and vision became hypersensitive, so r c'rrrrl detect the whispers of doctors and nurses outside my hospital room. "This guy is dying and looks so weak, yet he seems so strangely hale;rrrtl hardy' It's weird because he's so frail and close to death, but at the same tirrrr. he seems so energetic and alive. He seems to think he,s

"This is really weird," said a young medical student. She was talking r,, doctors outside my hospital room and didn't know I could hear her. she rrr,r' not have known that those of us trying to thrive through our crises work vr,r' hard to collect as much information as we can and are ever vigilant of our srrr roundings' Even though the pathoiogically oriented have explained their vir,u, of our situation to u.s, declared their diagnosis, and crarified our symptoms ,r illness, we are forever busy trying to find our meaning in what has happerr.rl to us' we don't always trust, and certainly do not unconditionally accclrr, information that restricts our ability to comprehend and try to contror problems' In my case, it seemed that the more my physical body failed, 'rrr rlr.

be overcome,, or to be is not the same as being ,,inviolable,,,which is defined as r" rrrrr lr.vr'd violation."3 I had never felt more violated than when cancer had ! r rr rrv lr.dy hostage. I was experiencing pain that I could never '|i have imag_ "" 'l 'r lrrrrrurn being could endure. cancer had spread throughout my body and " 'tltttll itway my bones, and I was so physically weak that I could barely lift lr'"rtl. My sense of violation, however, changed but did not lessen my sense rrr'rttt 'i ibility. I wasn't physically strong, but I remained in charge of how and l"l I t',ttlcl think. I kept trying to figure out new ways to construe what was ! '1r'r" rrrlr t, me, and refused to allow cancer to conquer my spirit. If necessary ,':..1',,1,.,,.'.':'ncibility might have to include a way to frame and assign meaning , ,rr1.rt\'lllp. ,

!iii.,'r(lu('ritllle."2

llr. rrrcirninfl of the word "invincible', is to ,,not

It

i '" i
"

"ir' r\\"r\';rr rry body

rr'

invincible.

I thirrh

' '

and i'| 'rl)llr pr.ce.sses involved in thriving, the violation of our body and our ' ' lr' t'rt'.s rr,t have to resurt onry in a struggle for survivar. Invincibility is ' rlrlr'lrt'c;rrrsc thriving rcprc.sents muclr m're than a return to equiribrium, ' llr'rl trlitv ttot itlw.tys bc po.ssiblc. lt i.s going bcy,rrcl survival :rrtl rec.verv to

hope the poisonous chemicals would stop the cancer from eatbefore they destroyed my body in the process, but I refused r'l | , ,r.('cr be the urtimate definer of my rife. It might destroy what I was, but ' r rr'lr, I was. I would not ret it ravish my identity or rob me of the one thing ,,rrlrl slill do-give my own meaning to my life. l'.r'rlivtr psychologists are learning that vulnerability and invincibility '! rrrrrlrr;rlly exclusive concepts. Because of the complex, mysterious, are

',rrltl ,.[y

86

I ltL Ittrllpvitt I

rtr

ltt

{,//\( /()//.\ ,,\r

l\

(r/

( /iil/lt)//

il[

;r lriglrcr lcvt'l ol

lleirrg;rlivt bt:lirrt: wt'tlit',

r.rrlr;rl

lckovics and Mianti llsycltttlofist Cryst;rl

1,.

Yirlr,psyclrologis{ .lt'lrrrnt'llr'li l';rrli c;rll ;r "v;rltrc lclclerl" trrotlt.l ,,1

thriving.l

'r rrrlr'rl lirvrrttI lottttrl ttt'w nre:rrrirrf irr lris owrr lile bccarrsc of Ilrc tr;rgcdy ol' ,1,t, rrrlro I l. ln it w;rv, Iiktr rrrirr.ry ol trs wlro still lttrrt fr<tm that terrible day, he

r',, un( ;r lilllc rnore invirrciblc the day the l'r;rde Center towers came tumbling
| ' r'rr

Value-Added approach ro Adversity

Positive psychology's value-added orientation to dealing with adversitv srrl' gests that individuals and even whole societies and nations have the capacil\'t,, make the most severe challenges an impetus for growth. Sometimes our tlrrivrrrr, starts from the catalyst of a trauma we only indirectly experience.

\\

irlt' or a Ripple?

llrr' .l.rnuary 2000 issue of the American Psgchologlsl, the journal of the : !,! ui ill I'}sychologiical Association, was dedicated entirely to the work of psyt,,,lr,1iists studying human strengths and our capacity to thrive. The 1998
'ttr rtrtl ol'Social lssues had contained articles focusing exclusively on the issue ,r tlrrivin. Despite this increased interest in a more positive psychology, it ,, r!r.rrr\ [o be seen if psychology is riding a new wave or experiencing just
', ',,1

Many of those not directly touched by the september 11 terrorist attirtr,, reported that it caused them to begin to reassess their lives, to look for a ut:t,p,', meaning in life, and to cherish more the simple pleasure of being alive. wh ilt' I lr,
giovernmental response of tightening security, offering assistance to those r,r'l r,, lost loved ones, and pursuing those responsible for such cruelty may have hcl1r,,,l

lrt r ripple.

in the survival and recove4r process, thriving requires construing what happcrr.rl in a way that allows us to appreciate life and the world even more because of wlr,rl
happened.

is not only the pathogenic bias of many psychologists and other health full emergence of a positive psychology. Another ,r.rlu obst?cle is the existence of the popular psychology that emerged as an
rrr' 1'v1vyftsru that blocks the

ll

ultimately, the degree of our triumph over terrorism and other

sensclr,:,,,

cruelty in the world will be less a matter of impermeable security and milit;ny action, and more a matter of an evolution of our consciousness. It will depend orr focusing less on what was taken from us than the value we can learn to fincl irr our lives because of it. we can only truly feel safe and even invincible again wlrt,r we are able to comprehend what happened on that dreadful september day antl at other times of horror, construe some constructive personal and natiorrirl meaning from it, and think about it in ways that allow us to manaEie our livr':, with increasing joy, calmness, confidence, and love.
r

to the doom and gloom of scientific but negativistic psychology. l:, ,( ,rrch-based positive psychology has to compete with a firmly entrenched
i,,,t,rrlrrr positive psychology based primarily on opinion rather than empirical

.l!, rr;rlive

This creative construing of thriving through major events that indirectlr affect millions of people was illustrated by Los Angeles Lakers basketball st;rr Kobe Bryant's reaction

work in promoting a more positive psychology began in the l'r)lls and 1960s. The early humanistic psychologists such as Carl Rogers and \l'r,111.,- Maslow offered a kinder, gentler, more optimistic alternative to the ,1,'rrrinating clinical and behavioral orientations. At a time when psychology , ,'ricd more concerned with rats than people and with sick populations rather tlr.rr health! individuals, humanistic psychology's emphasis on individual
t

"''',',,,,-r..rrng

r, rru[hs struck a welcome chord.

to the terrorists' attack on the united States

on

September r1,200r. He wrote," one of the things I have always believed is th;rl no matter how bad something is, you can take something positive out of it. Tlrt' one time I wasn't sure of that was on September 11."5 He goes on to say, however, that after a few weeks he began to see somethintl good happeningi from the tragedy. He says he is more patient now and realizcs,

Although much less pathogenic and negative in their assumptions, human'trr psychologists tended to be more philosophical than scientific in their
'r,t'rrxrch. Their emphasis on our personal strengths spawned myriad self-help rr,rvt'rlrtS that continue today. The development of a truly scientific positive r'.r', lrology has to compete with hundreds of essentially nonscientific popular ,lt lrelp books, psychology gurus, countless therapies and programs for self, ,,

"Life is . . . too short to carry grudges and therefore I've become more forgiving and understanding. I've learned also that you can't take things for granted."6 Il.
says

r'lrirncement, and a seductive "will it and it shall be done" philosophy. Dr. ligrnan has written, "The'psychology'section Iin bookstores] contains at least

that he will particularly no longer take the phrase "see you later"

f<rr

r,rr shelves on crystal healing, aromatherapy, and reaching the inner child for ,'l v shelf of books that tries to uphold some scholarly standard."'

88

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thrivin[ ol'lcr lascirraIir)g itrlcl e ncor-rrirging ncws 1b.,rrI

be learned'

in llo.silivc ;ls.yt:lrologv ;rntl its llrrtlirrgs ;rltorrl rt,silit,nr (. .r,,!

r.rs,

cumulative e rrl)r rr il base forthis new science is crucial, but first we must rearizethat if we ;rrrr,.r,r, think ure know, we may never be able to know.
Whereoid ellrhese Sickeeople Come From?
night, I was warking through the always-crowded waiting r.,.r rr,r .ur emergency room at Sinai Hospital. I had just finished seeing severar prrri.rrr and was eager t0 get home' As I walked quickly by, a woman r,otorng tis.srrt,r, r,, her nose and appearing feverish ,,Doct'r, and congested grabbed
Late one

Dsycholo8y said,we may not be as individually at-powerful as most of Irrr, lar programs for self-improvement promise. Establishing a

witrr ;r scrr-lrt,rp rrr,,,,, rnent that offers appealing but essentia'y unre.searchetr answers .r)cr rrr,r,r,rr,, right now' while it is likery we were never as weak and vurnerabre ,., ,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,
1r,,1,r1

Thisyoung science mu.st conrpete

l)at rrracl)

r.r,rrr,rrrr,, r,.

f'r attenti,n

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'rrrr

is llre lltrivirtg r..sl)or).s('. llrrl wt,irrc trrrlrrryi lltosct corr.sunrecl with srrrvivirr0.
1111111r

.,I

likcly

t.

learn about thriving

rlsvc:rr'r,gy pi.necr psycrr<lrogist Aaron Antonovsky writes, .,tsarring peoples'health outcomes are unpre_ !' rrlrlr' r'lris is the rnystery the salutogenic [positive psychorogyJ orientation '" i r, rrrrrirvcr."" Despite all of our medicar and scientific advances, we can ' rrr.rrr'r\';rrrcr completely exprain less than half of the variance of human ilrness ""t rrrl.r'irrH. 'r'his means that despite our many remarkabre medical and scien_ !'!i' 'rr',( ()v.ries, most of the reasons we get sick or suffer mental problems are ,,.r i.,,1 lrrll\r Lrnderstood.
|

" i'r '"t" llt;tl clircctly de.stroy the organism,

r"lr t\1('

for hours," she said between coughs. where all these sick people are coming from? Isn't
not sick? Doesn't

been r,vaiting

down with something, or worried about being ill. Rescrrr r rr confirms your impression. At any one time, a near majority of the popurati.rr ,| the modern industrial worrd is sick, meaning they feer or have
exist

anyone feel fine anymore?,, If you have ever spent what seemed rike hours in a doctor,s waiting roorr r,l at the emergency room, you may have experienced the feeling that almost
body is sick, coming

someone please te rr rr, there anyone out there wrr, r.,

,,wll

my arm.

r,r,,

""r rrr"l lixirgwhatisbroken; itisnurturingwhatisbest.,,,0 Itisanobjectiveof i 'rlr'r',sychology to learn from that mysterious percentage in almost every i,r,lr'tlr;rl
defies the all pathogenic odds.

point of view, there are arways those pesky '!!i'|\'| rl'i r'r'lr, confound our studies by seeming to be invincible and refusing to '' " r rrr 'rtvcrsity as our negative psychology might predict. As positive psycholr r" | )r'. Martin Seligman and Mihaly csikszentmihalyi point out, ,,Treatment 't is

t'r"r

';r pathogenic research

r
i
i

ri t,r

lming Definition

oJ

Thriving

ev.r'

in a morbid, pathorogicar condition

been told that rrr.r,

r

tteatment'' we have

fiightend flock of worried well, failing to rearizethat being isinevitable and can be as life-enhancing as
on

in need of some form of interventi,rr become a society consumed with avoiding becoming sic.,

rr

,r

we are capable of mobilizing significant resources '| ' '] r'|r\\'rlrrough almost any crisis and as a result, also enhance the total system " "trrr'lr we live. we seem to have a powerful capacity to add value to our own :,t, rr'lrrlc cnhancing the lives of those around us in the process.

. r ' r t' beginning to see that

r

lrt' rrr.re psychologists study thriving, the broader their view of it becomes.

ill

is as naturar ;rs

rl

addingvalue to our lives, we seemed consumed

Thrivers

None

don'ttend to cluster in physicians'waiting rooms. They are at,r,, of the hearth and weil-being continuum from ,,the patients.,, ,r.rr.r, ateoftenwhat researchers call the "statistical outriers,,,the ones who mess up,rrr studies of illness byfoiling predictions made by pathogenicists about the outcrrrrr. of illness,Is this apparently invincible group a strange subset of genetically rucrr' leople who somehow managed to avoid the stressors that get to most of us? This explanation is not likely true, because stress in life is omnipreserrr
opposite end

it is chalrenging. Instead of focu.sirrpl with just trying to stay ari'r.

il''\',rri

ofusescapes it, because stress is the tolr we pay

|fe' There is

something more that accounts for this invincible group, ancr th;rl

for traveling the path ,r

tri risk or threat, reading to positive mentar or physical outcomes and/or ' difference between the popular ' " rr,r'fy concept of thriving and the researched version is popular psychor, , lo(.u.s on the ,,us,'as well as ,,me.,, the r )rrt' rf the thrivers plumber. was a He had been buried alive at a job site and ' rr.tl jrrst in time' and hi.s words express the.,systems,,or,,us,,aspect of thriv_ I lt' 's;rid' "As I lav in the pitch black and choking on the dirt I kept breathing I rlrtlrr'I reaily think about making it through for me. why go to allthat trou_ I t' t'i rililrt to stav arive just for nre? I thousht that a chance to live again would ' r r rrirncc t., r.ve ag;rin, ;rrrcr trurl's wh;rr I intcncrecr tti do like I never did before. I 'i rtrl lo ttt;rkc ttly lartlilv'.s lilt'llcllt'r llurrr il t'vt'r w,rs,;rrrtl I w;rnt t0 clr, all I can

''

r" irrs('

l"lritlerniologist Jeannette R. Ickovics and psychologist crystar park define as "the effective mobirization of individual and social resources in

rrr\'('s,ciar outcomes."r' perhaps a significant

'

'r "

'

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Cr enth) e
C

'I 'lr

omp ar tmental{zing

'rlrrl r't'P'ttillt'llrt'lrlrtl lilttt's lt.nr llrr'lr.llt,rlrrttl rtrirkcs tts rr)nrLlne to ""rr;' ,rrr'lrrrzt'r's" Iiirrtlrirrg.r.srllt,rirrg orrr w;ly trrr,u{lr ril'e. i ', rr',r',,1t'st'rilrrtl b,ylrisl;rrnily:rncl clirricstaflas,,areal joker.,,Asyouwill

In addition to their "us" or "systems,'orientation, another crr;rr;rr.rr,rr,,ir, thosewhothriveisthattheydowhatmostself-helpbookssaynottrtr,.

r,r

of these facts for oneself. what will happen rrirV rrrrl always be under our own control, but the meaning of what does ancJ does rr,,r happen is always a matter of our own consciousness and what we erect ro pu I r rr it." The next time you are told, ,,Don,t fool or delude yourself,,,consider tlre r.r,r,, dom of the thrivers and consider that the opposite approach might be her'rrrr particularly at life,s toughest times.
r

struing the implications

generally enjoyable life. This creative compartmentalizingmay be wlry I t.rrr,.r very few ruminators in my interviews of thrivers, and why future-orierrrt,rr ,,1,r, mism more than past regrets arso characterizes thrivers. Thrivers concoct all sorts of mentar tricks and ways of thinking r, , through and out of trouble. sometimes their explanatory styles are at'rt,rr rrrr, r,, least extremely creative and at their furthest ranges seemingry crdZ! r)r .r,r rr schizophrenic-like as seen by pathogenically oriented psychologists and ,s1,r rr , trists' Thrivers tend to be very creative construers who, as rzzie did,learn lr.r' r,, turn tragedy into opportunity by using humor and crever mental twists arrrr r,rl,, on events in their lives, all of which serves to isorate and mentally ncapsrrr,rrr their traumatic times from the general upward flow of their lives. Thriving's creative construing invorves accepting objective facts whirc t.,,rr
r

good at compartmentalizingtheir lives. They can add varue to their rivt,.s Ir1, ,,, , ,, , their problems as confined to a temporariry atypical and very strange tirrrc r,vr rrr, | i. regarding their lives as on an upward psychological trajectory. They arr;rrrrr. r,, , their crises, as one thriver put it, as "a very crazy timein my life,,,Ancr rr;rrrr,,r,, ,. sense of contrast between that time and what she cailed her ,,n,rmal, ordirr,rrr, rrr, Particularly when it comes to memories past of adversities, thriver.s rsr,rr,r, .r, a mental and emotional barrier between the experience of their crisis;rrrr rrr,,,
,

r,i,,

a key component in thriving. Thosewho !! ,r.r,rrr\',rrs, lr;rvc a highly creative consciousness. we had to be constanfly "r r"r', r, 11111131s['qp{ his doubre meanings and often paradoxicar, funny, and '!r ' !',,rr\'('w;ry'l-thinking. we were often shocked by the frank, easy, ' , r r l . r rol'o.s way he spoke of the horror he had experienced. The direct, fact that i ' I r',,1\( rr ()r scci'g some of his guards as friends was viewed by some of the
i.s

,,,, tr,rlrll 10,;r sense ol hurlor

,Il

I
ill

!'

,rrr,r',rrrrrvcrinicasclearevidencethathehad,,identifiedwiththeaggres_

'

t r' r"lrl rrs that he had given funny names to his guards based on their indii"rl 1r,Il\s;rncl eventheirspecial brandofcruelty.Hecalledthreeofthemthe : " I'lrrrrl r.irts," naming them Hitting Harry, whipping willy, and Kicking Ken. 'i :, r''\'t lr.l.gists call this kind of creative construing ,,conscious
,r,

' ' r' rr'rrrr ;rf;rin.st decompensation." But from the positive psychology point of I r, rr,rtr ;r;rpried his natural thriver's talent for very

creative construingi.

ill

r'r.'rrti," nreanins that we can make up our own minds to assign meaning ri !r( \'('l r)irppens to us, even when our way seems very
stran$e to others.

cognitive

il

il
ili

',,,

tItttt||

t t'hriving

it
l

\rr.I ltt'r. way thrivers consciously create value for their lives at times of adversity ,t,, rr .rlrilitv to "let go." They are able to allow themselves

]l'

"

'

mentally accommodate to whatever is happening to them. This time for r r , ,rr.slruing allows thrivers the '' opportunity to modifu their explanatory system ^ ' ","rr';rcr.ptive way of construing the events in their lives. During these periods, ' ,r, ;rlrlc to fantasize and distort reality in ways those who feel they must con_

" ,' I irrrrr"'

to,,go along,,in happy 'l 'rt lrt itrtentionally continue to fool themselves to buywhat Izzie called,,a little

l,

I
ni

It

Laughingtr

of
comnirrl

our psychological immune system does what our physiological immune s'r, tem does when it detects an antigen chalrenging our system. It tries to isrr.rrr and contain the invader. It offers up mentar strategies that serve t,
92

ilr'

reality are not able to do. Although as you read earlier, the thriving ('irll r")rr"i happen suddenly and spontaneously, most thrivers have the extraordi.rt'rtrr\'[, "wait things out" until they can construe theirway through them. Ir 'irv bc that the "quantum thriving" response is actually only a much l' r,rl.tl version of the thriver's "patience with problems,'that ' is currently ()rrr;rbility to measure. Human consciousness is not constrained "r{l by time ' l' . (" .sr therc may be thing.s goi.g.n in the thriving response and in the con_ i' , ,('ss ,1.Ihosc wlro e rlploy it th;rt cxc:eccl onr current srasp of ,,reality.,, ''()rtlt'l)rillcilllcs l'ront tlttitttltun plry.sics rrr;ry play a role in sudclen thrivine.

"'tr'l,rt'c

il,

ril

il
il'
l

nl

ili
II

ilrl'rlllrrrtt ;lriltcilllt' ,rl tt,ttl,r'irlilv llr;rl ;rllows lor l'rcedortr ll-onr lrnrer rracl

il

l ltt llLrtltrtyrtt I tr Itr'

spacc, the ttttccrtaitrty ltrittcilllc IhaI cxplirirrs thc l;rcl tlurt tlrc acI ol obst,rvirrpi alter.s what is observed, and Einstein'*s theory of tlre relativiLy ol'space;11(l 111r, also offer some ways to begin to understand the instantaneous quantunr

sf

(r,,J( i(rl/J

;\r

li

rr/

rcnltntl

pl,rrrrrrr,l lrow tlrc lrrrrrran spiriI carr rrot orrly prcvlril but also prospcr in the face

kiltl

,,1

thriving. Even so-called parapsychological, or extrasensory "psi," phenorrr.r,r may be at work. This is why I included study of "psi" and quantum concelrls rrr my proposed curriculum for a positive psychology.
whatever is going on in sudden thriving, most thrivers seem to be able kr w,ril as working out not only for the best but for the bette r. lty compartmentalizing and allowing distortions of both their internal and extcrn,rl reality to gio unchallenged until they have time to come up with a better or nror.

',rl;rslroplrc. Shc saicl shc manafed lo deal wrtlr the memories of the horror of I r'rl)(,ricllce by nraking a "sort of schizophrenic division . . . a compartmen, ,ir ',rlron between Iherl memories of the camp and [her] so-called normal life."'n t', ,t ol thc thrivers I interviewed used this coginizant craziness as a means of psyi,,,11111111111s containment of their crisis. Positive psychologists sometimes refer i', tlr,';rlrove aspects of thriving as "enlightened denial" or "positive illusion."tu
,r

i!,

until they can see things

,rt

lnN Ourselyes
"

effective explanatory system, thrivers are able to wait until the immediate sevcrrlv and stress of a threat have passed before fully mentally grappling with their c:lurl lenge. As a result, they can be more creative than reactive and more intuitive llrlrrr impulsive. This allows them to experience whatlzzie called "a crazv kind of control,"

l rrrn much more able to roll with the punches now." These are the words of ,'r' rrl l'n)r fellow cancer patients who had gone through several remissions and

' r il t'('ncS of his cancer. They represent another conscious act of creation at
!rrrir':, r)f deep suffering. Social psychologist Michael Rutter refers
,

to repeatedly

The Power of Pretending Another feature of thrivers' creative consciousness is that they are great prt, tenders. They are able to use their imagination to help them protect and enharrt.t, their explanatory system. Their philosophy seems to be, "If life cloesn't seem l. have much value at the moment, I'll just pretend for a while that it does unlil I can do something to enhance its value." lzzie said he intentionally engaged in distorting realig and that he gave sorrrr,
sense of value to the endless moments of his

r, r lssfully growing through a series of prior challenges as emotionally "inocul rlrrrll ourselves against the effects ofstress."'6 As you read earlier, thrivers are .

,'rr:,lrrrrtly boosting their psychoimmunity and steeling themselves aEiainst stress

(

I'r lr';rrning through their adversities.

)ne way to build our psychological immune system and become inoculated

their adversities. r..rrrring experience with extraordinary problems even if they are not our own ..,r l)rovide a boost to our psychological immune system. Experiencing a kind ,'l "strrroplate stress" by becoming deeply involved in helping others througih
r,,r r' r'isis is to make ourselves available to help others through

imprisonment by telling himself he he;rnl

"l think I really knew the chances of our rescue were slirrr, but it made it more bearable to let myself think I heard them coming or let myst,ll believe the latest rumor of our rescue. In my mind, Iwould make the sound of rrrr
rescuers coming. He said, explosion way off in the distance into a sign that help was coming. I would sometinrt.s

It also is a form of probl, rrr practice helpful for the development of insights that might come in handy l l l i n our own life, a kind of "pretrauma testing" of our thriving talent.
ri,, n lraumas is not only a kind and loving thing to do.
r

look into the guards' eyes and try to see their fear that armies were coming for us.

llesearch from the field of psychoneuroimmunology shows clearly that reg,,l.rr tloses of altruism can have positive effects on our physiological immune sysr, rr. 'l'he same seems to be true for our psychological immune system. You will

"sometimes, we would all be very still at night and sort of agiree without sav ing it to pretend we heard help coming in a faint rumble of tanks way off in tll, distance. some would say they felt it and would put their hand on the floor to fecl

i',
,

t';rding about the specifics of our psychological immune system in chapter 7, yr)r-r have already read about some of its basic rules that piuarantee that all ',,,1
r

rr'rlions can be adaptive, no emotional state lasts, and the more down we are

the vibrations. we would all go along and take it very seriously, but deep dowrr we knew we were just fantasizing much as children think they hear Santa clatrs on the roof. when things become absurdly insane, making yourself a little nuls can really help you match up to the situation you're in."
Lawrence Langer offers a similar description tolzzie's intentional insanity irr

,lrrvcn, the higher up we seem to bounce.

t',vihological ofense
'l'he

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American

his book titled Holocaust kstimonies." A death camp survivor is quoted

q4

irs

t',rtrltiatric Association (note the pathogenic emphasis on "disorders" rather

95

'

I Itt ltLrtltot'ttt I:n tor

ww
v;rlrrr.:-trtltlirrA

1 1r;1'1 f1t11.' r\r l.'

rrl ( t(tllitttt

'ilf l

lltan "order") rclcrs lo tttany ol tltc

llrrivrr's sltills dcscrilrt'tl,rlrr,,,

as "defenses." As you have read, from the lroint of vicw of'positivc psycltolrll these are less defenses than emotional offenses against relentle.s.s sul'[crirrg ol hrrr

dling or victimhood and the joyles.s fatigue of constantly trying to survivc.,' 'l'lrlrt defenses can be seen as proactive problem management strategies ancl wir\,:i .l being on the emotional offensive in dealing with crises. The Thriver's Manual offered in part 2 of this book describes many,l llrr mental and emotional strategies that thrivers use to help them grow [lrr.rrplr stress. If the American Psychiatric Association published a counterparl l. rlr
diagnostic manual, an optimistic Manual of Mental strengths, it might inr.lrrrlr thriving components such as enlightened denial, aware self-delusion, intenliorr,rl fixation, purposeful pretending, comic and calming regression, creative corrslr rr

Ilrrv slrorrkl lrave bccrr crrrotion;rl wrccks. ltrorrr tltc llcrspcctivc of lhc pathr'' r,r ()r'i('ntirtiott of tnode rn psycltology ancl ntcdicine, they were children who -r,',rrlrl lr;rvc bccome depressed, pronriscuous substance abusers who failed in , l,,,,rl :rntl were in constant legal trouble. llrt'v were children rendered vulnerable by being born into poverty to par,,t . rr,lro had little education, were often from troubled families, and often sufr. r,,l lrorn serious mental health or substance abuse problems. Many of these !rrlilrln were born to single mothers who were depressed or schizophrenic. If ,!,, r, lvirs a father, he was seldom at home and was usually a semiskilled or ,,,, 1'rllt'tl laborer with a short temper who offered little comfort or guidance. I rrrv r)l these children were born prematurely, and their mothers often smoked, I' rrrh, irnd generally neglected their prenatal care. Many had experienced diffill I rrt hs and spent their early years in families plagued by an unrelenting series ,t ,,rnllicls. l'lris vulnerable group of 700 children grew up on the Hawaiian island of
,r
r

ing, fantasy framing, delightful dissociation, and the other skills that helrr us ,rrlrl value to our lives when life seems the most difficult. Because thrivers tend be on the psychological offense, they can becomc;r lrt tle uneasy when things seem to be goihg far too well for too long. They know lrlr may not be nearly as terrible as it seems when thinEis seem to be going badly, lrrrt that it is also not nearly as wonderful as it appears when things seem to be iloirrE
splendidly. They are wise enough to keep the psychological immunity stron,{ lrr, continuing to mentally grow even when they are not being pressed by crisn Rather than allowing themselves to become lulled into maintenance mode, tlrr.v

l, irr,rrIroffitheyears 1955to 1979.Althoughtheislandsof Hawaiiareoftenseen t, .r t);rrirdise, this was a period of continual social change on Kauai. This island
!',,rrrr' lrad seen the influence of the arrival of hundreds of newcomers during the

,r

rrr Southeast Asia. These

were usually stranSers with little understanding or

1,n, ('r'n

for the culture they encountered. The burgeoning daily influx of tourists

,1,,' tlisrupted these children's daily life, as did the increasing noise and the hec-

remain mentally on the offense and keep strengthenins their psychoimmurrrlv through their ongoing creative consciousness. They seem to build up a thrivt,r'. saving account to be used for life's stormy days.
Izzie discussed the psychological immune system vigilance and offensivepr,sr described above when he said, "what goes up must come down, and that includr,r

r,,

t),r('0 of visitors comingi and going. They had also seen the assassination of one r'', ',itlcnt and the public disgrace and resignation of another.

'l'lre availability of contraceptive pills and mind-altering drugs presented rl,, rrr with temptations and choices not faced by earlier gienerations. Poor nutrir'rrr irrd neglect exposed them to a variety of illnesses, and many experienced
forms of verbal and even physical abuse. They had every reason to feel mis' ',rlrlt'and messed up, to give up and act out; and many ended up as the patho,

all of our lives. You enjoy both the ups and the downs because they go togetlr(,1 like night and day. It's like driving. You shouldn't be less prepared just becarrsr,
the roads are dry or because you have never had an accident. you should alw;rv.
be working on being a better and better driver, not

\'( r('

' rrrr'model predicted.'u

As did many other psychologists, I considered the Emmy Werner and Ruth rrllr work to be a pioneering study in the field of positive psychology.'e It rep-

just

a defensive one."

Lessonsfrom Children in paradise

"Yet there were others fchildren of fuprived upbringingl

also

vulnersble

...

who

,r'rrtd one of the earliest calls to look at "the others," the group that did well rtlrt'r than those who "lived up" to pathogenic projections. It was one of the first ' trrtlics to explore the concept of human resilience. However, I found few of my

remsined invincible and deueloped into competent and autonomous sduhs."

-Pioneer

resilience researcher Emmy \yerner

who either knew about the study or considered it as groundl',,,rl<ing as I did. Even though Werner and Smith themselves emphasized the ', ,rlience of a subset of these children, most of my colleagues still tended to see ,'rrly the predicted pathology in the vulnerable children.
, lrrriczrl colleagiues

96

97

I lrt llr tlltot'rrr l t, lot

( l)/l\(
l,

/{,1/\ ,.\r /r rr/

tr'rtll0tl

Ity tlreir stattcltrrds, tltc Kituai clrildrerr wt'rc wlurI lrirtlrogcrric oricntt,tl lr..r chologists would c;rll "highly a[-risk children." Wcrncr;rnd Srnitlr lirlkrwt,rl llr, ,, children from a few months before their birth until they were in l-lrcir cirrty:{,,.
Each child was interviewed and given various questionnaires and exan)in;rlror,l and their health records were monitored closely. The researchers sLuclit'rl llr, impact of a life that most health care workers would have predicted would rt,,,rrrr in grievous lifelong debilitating developmental problems. what the rescirrt'lr,,r. discovered is the factor that is the focus of this book. some of the clrilrlrrrr

stress of and ,rrrrlv illne.ss. Then he was elected president in 1860 during one of our country's ,',,''l tlilficult tirnes. IJe had to hold the country together during the civil war,
r

l,,rlt'tl Vt'l ;r1i;rirt lirr tlttr ollice ol tlcclor in lli40, (:onfrcssnliul irr llJ/l.l irnd ir'.rrr irt 1,3/tlt. Ilc wirs dclclrtccl lirr vicc prcsidrrrI ol tlre llrritcd Statcs in l85ti and ,r'.rur lor tltc Scnatc in 1858. 'l'lrl,trghout thesc many trials, he also experienced personal the

,,,,1 lrc became one of

i,r1,lrl1,

thrived through their adversity.

Out of the 700, Werner and Smith identified 42 girls and 30 boys who, irr | | r.i words, were children who "remained invincible and developed into competerrl ,rrr,l autonomous young adults."'n rhey had found life value through their sufferirrsl t,
r

the most revered figures in American history. He was a scnsitive man who became irritated, easily saddened, and angry when he from being a constantly upbeat person with an always positive atti-

,r'

ll'

rrr.itrstice and cruelty. He often appeared sullen, depressed, and withdrawn.

\\,;rs far

rrr,l, . ltttt he did what all thrivers do. He was able to creatively construe the events

become confident, loving, responsible, achievement-oriented young peoplc. 'l'lrr,r, had remained invulnerable to challenges that would be expected in the pathogt,nr, view to have devastating effects. They had somehow managed to mobilizc rlrt'rr psychological immunity and thrived through their years of stress, and werncr ;rrrrl smith set out to learn how. what they and now other pioneers in positivc |'sv

,,r lrrs life and become stronger and wiser for his pain. In words that capture the ,{ n('0 of thriving, he wrote, "Most people are about as happy as they make up

ti', rr rrrinds to be."''

t ,,,,kinS at

Life Top-Side Down

chology learned is that we have the ability to be consciously creative people.

'l'lre objectivist or Western-materialistic orientation tends to look at life from

tl,'
Making Up Your Mind rc fhrive
John Milton wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can m;rkt, ,i heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." Researchers studying thriving are interestcd rrr why and how some of us are able to creatively construe our way through prolr lems to happiness while others succumb to these same problems. They takc rrr,,
"person-focused" rather than "variable-focused" model

"v;rriable" or outside influence point of view. It sees us as essentially reactive t,, llrtr "variables" that influence us and believes that those of us who are lucky
, ,r,111i11

or worked hard enough to arrange the "variables" in our favor will have rlrr rnost advantages in life. This point of view relates to what psychologist

,i

of understandinp

llrr,

source of the hardy way of thinking that characterizes thrivers. Positive psychologists look beyond the variables of good homes and m.rh'l parents as explanations for why some children seem so invincible. Instead, tlrlr,
ask what

l ()ur life situation, we essentially had it coming. If we are suffering or flour,lrrrrg, beautiful or ugly, healthy or impaired, we somehow and in some way ,',rr;l be getting our due. A comfortabie income, good genes, absence of illness
'rr,l

tlr, lrirel Lerner calls the 'Just world phenomenon."22 This is the idea that what-

it is about the thrivers themselves that allows them to persist in nrirh ing a Heaven of their Hell. They look to personal consciousness rather tlr;rrr

particularly the absence of any severe emotional tragedy, trauma, loss, or , r't'rc mertt&l stress or illness in life are seen as the foundation of a deserved ,',',,t1 life. Positive psychologists are learning that this premise is wrong. llesearch shows that the "event" aspects of our lives account for less than 8
t,

external circumstances for answers to why we thrive. Abraham Lincoln is one the most famous thrivers in history. He certairrly had more than his share of adversity. He experienced a devastating business f;rir

'tr r)crcent of how happy we are with our lives, how we deal with the crises and ,llr;rcks that happen to us, and our overall sense of well-being is due to the
,rrr

' l5 percent of the variance in our reported

happiness.2,r That means that 85 to

ure in 1831, was defeated for the legislature in 1832, failed miserably again ;rl business in 1833, and followed that in 1836 with what was then called a nervou:,
breakdown. Trying to come back stronger than ever after this series of traum;rs, he was defeated for speaker of the state of Illinois Leiislature in 1838, arrrl

,rr)iog we make of what happens to us. We have conscious control of the cru-

joy of living that is a matter ,'i lrow we choose to construe the events in our lives.
' r,rl pleasure percent, the average 90 percent of the

ll's not giood fortune or "doing" something that makes us feel calm, content, ,ri,l ioyfully connected with others and the world. It's what and how we think

98
99

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tiuttr

WW

ptl

(r,trr t()lt\ /\(

lr (,/

( ,i'ltll(ft,

abtlttt our livcs in our world. Choosing Io c:orrstrrrc orrr livcs orrr way and to r'orr tinue to develop and enhance tlre adaptability of our explanatory stylc.s is wlr,rl determines the content of our consciousness and therefore whether or r)ol ilr lead value-added lives. Positive psychology is learning that there is nothing llr,rl

An irrrportrrrrt p:rrI ol cofnitivc processing is wlrat positive psychtiltify

!'

.,',rrcllers call the "construal approach [o lrappine.ss.""'l'hese f<-rur words offer ,u,,llr('r definition c.rf thriving. In the invincible group of Kauai children, Werner

life can throw at us that is beyond the adaptive capacity of our creativc
sciousness.

r'rrrr

,'r,l Srrith discovered not only victims and irreparably damaged "inner children" ,i r.1ng{ to a life of recovery. They saw children who tapped their natural but
I,,rr11

ovcrlooked human power not only to bounce back in the face of adversity

Dealing with life from the perspective of the person (the top) not beinf ir p,r,r sive victim of whatever the just world happened to hand us (the bottom) as orn destiny takes plenty of time.

r,rrl ,rlso somehow to construe what happened to them in ways that allowed them

r', r r,r: lar above it to make life what they wanted it to be."
Yorl can see another example of our creative consciousness in the case of a r,,,tr{'n[ I worked
, lr,
x

It requires looking within our relationships antl llr

our inner maturing and interacting adult instead of always within ourselvcs llt
our failures or in search of an unhappy and neglected inner child. It involves | ;r h ing plenty of time for creative construing and even periodic elective intentiorr,rl
self-deception. It requires using the traumas in our lives as SIGs, or stresr induced girowth, experiences that can boost our psychological immunity. lt ir rr
process of employing just enough modulated madness not only to cope witlr

with a few years ago. She had just begun her career as a high

rl linglish literature teacher. She was a twenty-two-year-old woman who had

I',,

lll,

chaos of life but to be able to dance gleefully within it. Positive psychology shows that there is a range of mental skills that help rn go beyond the hands we are dealt and the variables we were given. We have llr+,

lcft pentaplegic (unable to move her arms, legs, or breathe on her own) by , part of her body other than her head ' I r r rrr k driver. She was unable to move any ,rr,i lip.s. She was on a ventilatoS so listening to her struggle to speak required i rr rr' ;urd patience. She worked hours a day at her computer, which was specially ,,l,rllcd to allow her to operate the keys with a stick held in her mouth. She was 'rrlrrrf o book about her experience and had made many "chat room" friends
r

i'rrncl th world.
l! you took the time, you could hear in her frail voice the unmistakable hardi,,r",',

innate talents like framing, evaluating, interpretingi, mentally self-disputirrg against our own flawed self-degradation, contemplating rather than reactirrg, waiting and seeing, being our own memory maker by choosing what we will
remember, having a good "forgettory" when we need one so we can give up lntl move on, and seeing strength as not only victory but sometimes enlightened giv

of her thriving spirit. With the humor you have read in many of the thrivers' t, rr rr's, she joked, "You don't have to feel screwed. You can construe. Trust me, that dictionary says it means to discover and apply It means your life is all in your mind. I am actu-

'rrr' rvord has very special power. The

rrr',rrrirg, and what a power that is.

ing

up.'?4

Unlike other animals, we are not bottom-up reactors dragged instinctivt'ly though a set of circumstances. We are made to thrive because we are consciorn
beings with the capacity to make meaning, to frame the events in our lives and
yrrrl

,llr'lurppier and more productive now than I have ever been. I sure have more rr r, rrtls and, as you can easily see, I am totally free from multitasking." 'l'lre effect of our point of view and how we mentally frame what happens to
also be seen in a study of a group of Portuguese immigrants who came to | .,n,rrla to seek a better life and more fulfilling job opportunities. The men who
, ( ,rr)

them in a more positive, constructive light. The research is clear. We are invincr ble because we have the remarkable gift psychologists call "cognitive processin(."'Creating a Contextfor Our Liyes
Cognitive processing is the technical name for "meaning-making." It reft,rr to the fact that we not only live within contexts but also play a crucial role in crr,

"rrrnrfiratd viewed the move as a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning in l rr'. ;rnd their health significantly improved after they moved to Canada.
il,'vq'1'ysy,
1,., r rr

their wives tended to feel involuntarily dragged along on their hus-

ls' adventures,

ating them. We are not slaves to one possible world, but in many ways we coll stantly engage in conscious acts of creation.26 Because we can choose to constrrrr, anything that happens to us in our own way, we have an infinite array of possihh'
worlds.

lrr their minds, they construed the move to be a disruption of their highly rltl l'amily ties back in Portugal. Both were now living in the same conditions, i'rrl llre disappointed wives were significantly more likely to become sick than rlr{ r nrore optimistic husbands, the study showed.'o Controlling for all other
,l
r

,r ,r

r,rl)lrs, the only difference between the husbands and wives found in the study
, nr the meaning each group assigned to

their immigration.

100

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( t,t/\rlt)/h r\r/.r rr/ ( fttllttttl

oll;lortrrrtily Io irrterview orrc ol llre strlliccls ol llr, study abovc. She had conre [o Sirrai llosDit.rl's c;rrdiac trniI ll'trrr il scvu(, trr'.rl attack and lengthy resuscitation. I was called to speak with lrcr bccurrsc ol lr,,
l3y coittciilcrtt:c, I lurcl tltc

,,,i
,',,1

t'r'lollittg ;r lltlicl svslcttt ;rrtcl ;rtt rrtlirgrlivr ;rrrtl dyrr.rr-nic action ltlarr. SIre ,'t, "l't,rllit1)s sonlc ol'this growtlr has lrecr.r ilutomatic, such as my optimism
,1,

,,,

highly depressed state, which the nurses and doctors thought was "contplit ,rtrrrl: her recove4r." We managed to find an interpreter, and we talked about hcr rr,,,rr death and her life in general. When I asked her how she had viewed her ntovr' t,, Canada, she responded in tears. "For my husband, Canada was the beginn irrg. l',,' me, itwas only an end. No more family for me. For him, nothing could clr;rrr1', his mind about his new life. For me, nothing could change my mind aboul rrrr lost life. It broke my heart, and I long eve4r day for my family. I need that L,rr1, ing to keep me going." Another of my patients, a psychology professor and son of Irish immigr;rrrt..
spoke

,[",rr.r'lor control over lny treatment; however, much of my growth has taken l,ir.r,rlt'cl.l')rt.":r: I sugge.st that this effort is the creative consciousness of the

,irr rvur)l fCSllOnSe.

l\lv owrr experience with cancer involved the same lengthy, reflective process rl r rr'rrf described by Sara Snodgrass. I could not manage a consistent positive 'rtrrtlt, but I could manage to work toward one and benefit from an ever so i,,,lrl rrpward psychological trajectory over time. During my months of cancer
r

with me about the importance of how we cognitively frame the everrl:

rrr

our lives. He had heard me use the example of the Portuguese women in ;r 1,,,
ture to illustrate my point about the impact of mental framing on our well-be irrp' The professor said, "Before my family came here from Dublin, they werc lrl

,, ,irrrr'nts, I often felt a "future free" sense of being totally in the moment that ,ll,,rlctl nte to thrive even as I suffered, a timeless reflection similar to t',', lt,r;rss's experience that seemed somehow to reduce at least the urgency of 'i,, 1,.,i'r. I realized more than ever before in my life that the future is quite ,',,1'r'tlictable, so I focused more in the present and let the future take care of i , ll I received very few sudden insights into the meaning of life and never felt i ., r'. lrrcoming a "whole new person." Instead, my explanatory style seemed to
:

ing in poverty and had been near stanration in their homeland. They camc lr,,r much better situation with good food and a clean place to live, but they dietl I'r the hundreds of tuberculosis. In fact, the death rate was 100 percent highc rr, those who came to America than in Dublin at the same time, even though llrr immigrants were now living in vastly more favorable conditions. I'm sure a nlirt(rl
reason for this was that most of them didn't want to leave. They were transplarrl,,,l

\',)lvillg and changing slowly over time. I was "up" one day and very "down" i,, rrtxt, but I made the decision to keep my general psychological trajectory on
,
rrp14r;1yfl

'

,',

course. I constantly worked to try not to get too sad about feeling sad.

tintl, -N?t a rype

against their will and devastated by the discrimination with which they now lr,r,l to deal. It proves your point about how you look at things." The message frorrr these examples seems to be if you don't have a healthy outlook, look out!3,

|| | ^ "^^rr:-",, -10ffin8 rne L)ngRange v rcw

Thriving, like happiness, seems to depend on our willingness to become corr sciously creative and maintain a life-long perspective of happiness. Positive psv chologist Sara E. Snodgrass offered her personal account ofher thriving thnrrrglr her metastasized breast cancer.3l The fact that she shared her personal journcy rn a professional journal indicates her growth through her cancer and shows a sprr

\Vriting about the qualitative aspects of learning about thriving and a long' 'rr \riew ofthe process, psychologist and thriving response researcher Sean I r , ,r'v ard his coauthors offered a warning. They challenEie the idea that thriv,"', r:, l.ixed or static, or an immediate response to adversity. They wrote, "This ,'''1,.'stion [that thriving is an immediate or constant or fixed personal charac, ,l it or response] stands in sharp contrast for us, because we view thriving as ' , r,',('ess in which one experiences the inevitable ups and downs of life. If thriv, ,, r\ (:( )nsidered growth in the face of adversity, does a person's immediate state
:' l, rrriine her or his level of
r,, r
,(

thriving, or

does the researcher need to consider the

)n s

overall trajectory?"0'
as a matter of shorthand convenience

\Vlren I use the word "thriving" in this book, I am referring to a trend and not

itual strength that is so often characteristic of thrivers. Snodgrass is aware of the research showing that the thriving response (.;ilr occur automatically and spontaneously in the form of a quantum-like event, brrl her thriving experience came about gradually. She engaged in a lengthy procr'\.,
of learning about her disease, possible new treatments, appraising her resourct'r,,

'r',t'r' I use it
,,

in summarizing the many

"'rplt:x and often contradictory aspects of thriving shown by various persons in rr )us ways at certain times in their lives. While I call them "thrivers" or "invin-

'l,lr's," I am actually referring to people engaging in various manifestations of the ,i i ri'irrf response, not personality types. The only consistent common thread I've

102

103

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rrr

lor

'li

(r,,Jr

/{rll\ r\r /.r rtl t liiillrrll

lirund irr tny rese;rrt:lt on tlrrivcrs is tlrirt tlrcy irrc able Io (:r)l]itgr ovcr tinr('rrr, ",'
scious acts of creating their own contexL lirr tlrcir livcs.

A Moment of Decision
I
saw some of my fellow cancer patients engaging

in one of the mosl

rlrltr

cult, dramatic, and sacred moments of thriving. I saw them preparing to {ivl rr1' when they heard the diagnosis of cancer. I saw them make a mental slrrlt 1,,
preparing for death. That one single conscious decision-to decide to prepirrr,t,, live or get ready to die-is a pivotal time in facing our mortality. But no rrurllr r what the decision, thriving is still possible. Death is of course unavoidahlt', l,rrl

preparing to thrive through our dying requires becoming more alive beforl
die.

u,,

Psychologist Dr. Sara Snodgrass reflected on her own "moment" of deci:,rrrrr when she discussed her own experience with cancer. She said she reflected ;rlrrrrrl her diagnosis and asked herself, "Am I using this current moment in the besl lr;rr

,,,rr, rl lolrt'lltrivcrs.'l'ltt'rt'scirrcltt'rs lirtttttl llr;rl rr rrur.iorityol Ilrcsttllerirtg,sLrr! 'r),. ()r rt't'ovcrirtg "rtotr-tltrivcrs" Ilrev lurcl idcrntil'icd;r.s t.heir origirral nal',i r1rl1v1' ljrotrll cvcntually showed sign.s of t.hriving when they entered their adult ,,, , 'l'lre p.sychological trajectory of many of their lives had been turned .,1,'r,rrtl ;rrrcl they too, in their own way and in their time, were learning to thrive. \Vu'ncr's and Smith's finding, that many of those who seemed initially not to r , ,, rt'silicnt turned out to be thrivers, gives hope for us all. It suggests that, if , 'r'rll p;rv attention to it, there seems to be a momentum attracting us toward , rl,rr\,urQ life. We all seem able to lead a value-added kind of life even when so ,', ,r11' llrinfs can seem to rob it of its joy. We can all perform the ordinary magic ,t ,,,rrst'ious acts of creation, and part 2 of this book offers a manual for the cre,r ,r'r'or).sciousness that gives this rnagic its power. It is an invitation to think ,r,,,rl \rourlifeasifyoujustdiscoveredforthefirsttimeyourextremelygoodfori'rrrr lo ltave ong.

possible?lf Icanreallyliveeachmomentfully,thinkof whatawonderful lrl,, I will have lived whenever it ends."3'Like other thrivers, Snodgrass remainctl llr, composer of her consciousness even as she faced her own death. We can all learn to thrive in our own lives by rememberinS Snodgrass's tgrr,," tion, "Am I using this current moment in the best possible way?" This queslr'rr is the stimulus for the kind of creative consciousness that allows us to devlhrg' our thriveability. Even at such a frightening time in her life, Snodgrass c,,rr sciously created the context of her confrontation with her mortality. We are invincible not because we can elevate ourselves to srrrrr,r consciousness status but because we have the capacity to wait, think, imagirrl tolerate, forgive, learn, delude ourselves, change, grow through our ups;rrr,l downs, and set our own psychologicaltrajectory. In flying an airplane, the sliglrt est moving of the stick can profoundly alter the flight of the aircraft, but the prl,,i can change course again byjust a nudge ofthe controls in the desired directiorr Ifyou are thinking or feeling that your thriving response is not as strong as yorr wish it to be, all it takes is a little mental, emotional, and spiritual nudge to st'rr,l you upward again. Asking yourself if you're usingi your moments in the best po,, sible way helps you remember to take charge of the content and quality of yorrr
consciousness.

When Werner and Smith examined their data on the children of Kauai, tlrr,r, noticed something very significant. While the thriving group had gone on ll grow through their stress, so had a majority of the group that had not origin;rlll

104

105

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Ir, rrri/r'l lo

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rhe

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.-

,,, it'lti,:h you arc fiof ."

-I

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FLrL R

Qt'rttrFt'

7 Living q Thousand Times

over

" \xre

underestlmate how

qukk\

ourfeelings are going to &ange in part because aniel cilb ert, ph. D, Har v ar d Llniv er sity

B,t underestimste our

abiliry to changethem."'

-D
t' h r c e

N ot - S o - Little Vords

"You have cancer." How do you think you would react if you heard these llrrce words? Like most people, once I could only imagine the horror I would
r,xpcrience

if I

ever heard them, but when

did, something very strange hap-

pr'rrcd. Instead of the

plr;rse

terror and sad helplessness I thought I would feel upon

rlt'civingl this news, I felt a strange calmness and a sense of a beginning to a new of my life. I had been in such severe pain for so long, and had received so
urirny wrong diagnoses, that finally knowing what was destroying my life seemed

lo sct into motion a series of mental and emotional events

rl
r

that-if

I had not been

rdyinS the issue of

thriving-I would

never have imagined possible.

I knew that my physiological immune system was under severe stress and l,rrling. Lymphoma is a peculiar kind of cancer because it can destroy the body's rlr'lcnse system designed to deal with attacks such as overgrowing cells. In effect, llrt' very system you need to fight the cancer is the system that becomes increasrngly weakened by it. I also knew, however, that I had another immune system rr',rcly to help me, and I decided upon hearing the three devastating words that I ,,,rrld prepare to become more alive even if I would die. About ten years after my cure from cancer, I read a book written by ten prolrssional women titledBreast Cancer? Let Me Check Mg Schedule!'Each woman
109

Itt Ilrtlltrtt'rtt I tt !tr

I irrtt.tl,t IIntt;,ttt,l

/illrr

t )r'r'l

dcscribcd how sltc ttt;ttt;rged to llrrivc throrrglr lrtrr crrrrcer rrot orrly by rrurrrrl,rrrr ing her professional lif'e but also by finding new in[crests, meaning.s, zllr!l prr,,rr ties in her life. I felt much the way these women did when I was diasngst,tl rlrrlr stage IV lymphoma. cancer was terrible, but it was also immensely intercsl irrrr

r'!r"'\lll't', lurvinf krw cholcstcrol, tl;rirrtirirring it llcilltlty wcight, abstaiping from rrr,liittf, or exercisinS regularlyi'llesearchcrs at Yale l;niversity have
,'rrrr'llring: it is how we elect to think about aging and whether we consciously conI r r r. il irr a positive way." It is whether or not we elect to thrive or languish as we age. llt'cca Levy, lead author of the yale study and assistant professor of epidemi_ ,,1,r1i1';,"4 public health at yale, has stated, "Individuals who reported more posi_ rr'r' :,t'll-percptions of aging demonstrated significantly longer survival rates than llr"',1'r,4rl1s had negative self perceptions of aging."a In other words, how we elect

ciiscovered that
il

one day on the bone marrow transplant unit, my wife and I set up iln ,llr, , in my hospital room. we put up a small table and chair near my bed and plrrg1.1, ,l in my laptop computer. I was receiving an intense course of chemotherrp! rl.rr tors called the "scorch the Earth" approach, and whole-body radiatiorr tlr,rr soaked my body with toxic energy and left me in almost constant pain. In ,rtlr,r
to deal with the constant nausea and diarrhea caused by my treatments, we ;rs1r.,l that a portable toilet be placed near my chair. I joked with my nurse that I c'rrl,l use a little "writer's block" or any kind of block if it would stop the constant 1i,rr rhea caused by my chemotherapy. I began work on a book titled Making Mirtttl,',

illi

rili'

(recently reissued under the title Miracle in Maui).If my cancer was loirrpg r,, spread, I decided it was going to have to outrun me, and I am still running torl,rr, My wife took pictures of me as I received my bone marrow transplant, ;rrrrl I

r'r p1'lggivs the meaning and value of our later years strongly determines how ,'r'rrrv later years we will have. what's on our mind seems capable of influencing ' 'rrr lrlrysiology so strongly that can add, on average, one more year of life for every ir r1 1'1'111's that we live. A joyful perception of aging can result in a person who ",lrll(l lrave lived to age 70 earning a "senior savoring" bonus of seven years.
l, ,rr

il;ri

iil
tiiiit

I could barely hold my (,\rr,l I asked her why she was taking so many morbid pictures, she s;rrrl. "Because someday you will be lecturing on how you thrived through your carr(,r,1 and showing slides of these pictures to your audiences." My wife, celest, lr,r,,
open. when always been my co-thriver through a series of life traumas, and she continues
rrr

looked like a dead man. I was pale and skinny, and

lv, there is an immense power that comes from how we choose to construe "rrr livcs, and that choice is the creative core of psychological immunity. 'l'he powerful influence of how we think about what happens to us has been

to the attention of a modern medicine that for so long was certain rlr,rl ,ur consciousness had little if anything at all to do with our health. until the
gcnce of a less pathogenic model of illness, sickness was seen as some exter_ lv caused or perhaps genetically precoded pathological wiggling of atoms and 'rrr rlt'r'uls that resonates bottom up through the body system to eventually make ,r. rll. lf itwas acknowledged at all, our consciousness was seen as essentially the
,
||

l' rur 11,

.o-.

ill.

r('r

il;i

, I

that role today. Like all the other co-thrivers I met on the cancer unit, she rt,,r
able to continually construe even the most devastating events in ways that serrrr, how made them more comprehensible and meaningful. Some mental process seemed to kick in when we received the cancer diaglrrorr, that started me thinking much more about living than dying. My wife and I crierl lrrl terly, but even through our tears we began to talk of our future and began embr;rr.

iiilil

I'r,rrr's re&ction to whatever was happenin$ to us. It was seen more as a reporter ll,.rr ;rlr author of our lives. It could let us know we are sick, but not have any sig_ 'rlr( irrt impact on making us well. It was not considered to have a role in chang_ ,,rrt llrc actual outcome of a,,real" physical pathological event.
r rr rrt' than the

iitii

ing even more than we had before every moment of our life together. somehow I knew the shock and fear would not last, and I could feel my psychological immrrrrr
system going to work for me. It's remarkable how the pain and shock of hearing llrr three terrible words, "You have cancer," can be reduced by the three words, ,,1 hrvr

we know differently now. scientists are learning that consciousness is much firing of neurons in our head. while it doesn't agree on what con_

nt
iiii

you." It's inspiringi and comforting to be reminded by those who love us that our lirr.,, and theirs depends less on our circumstances than our consciousness.

is slowly beginning to acknowledge that con_ exists beyond a bundle ofnerve fibers. It is seeing thatwe are capable ')ilsness of , , , r r, r |kable acts of conscious creation that profoundly affect our physiological
1

rrrsnSS is, modern medicine

ilrl
llitl

state

rrrrl t'Velt play a

role in determining the length of our lives.

lilil

Becoming

C onsc

ious of Our

onsciousness

trrrtd Over Mqtter Doesn't Matter Thqt Much

I.fortunately, there has been a nesative side effect of recognizing the power "t llrt'nrind or human consciousness. Because of the long domination of the dis_ ,",r1 lrt,s.simistic orientation of the pathoflenic view of the human experience, and
I

ffi

What if there was something you could do that might extend your life seven ip r(l one-half years? what if this something was more powerful than having low bl'ul
110

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ii

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tlrc derti;rl ol'tlre rttlc ol cottsciottslrcss in lrt'lrlllr ;rrrrl lrrllinf, \,rrr ovcrrt,irr'lt.tl 1,, the evidence that consciousness may nratlcr. Whcrr rcscarch sccrnccl Io bt,slr,rv ing that our beliefs and thinking do in fact interact with our inrmune systur ;rrr'l play a role in illness, healing, and even the length of our lives, 1fig1g 147;15;1 1'.rr sciousness revolution. Instead of trying to learn more about the import;rrrt.r'r,i consciousness and its complexities and paradoxes, an oversimplified "if wc Ilrrrrl,

,,r//r',1r(l wlr;rtrvt:r lt;rp1lt'tts Io tts ittsitlt'ottr skitt. I clttt tlevcr clrarlge wllat ,,,, ,lrrl lo rrry larrrily irrrd nrc, br.rt I clrrr corttrol what lwill ;rllow it Lo mcan to

/,, \\ ('r1,, Bc Goodfof Your Ueakh ',ll('ss is bad for your heaith. That statement is now accepted by the lay pub, .( r('ntists, and doctors, and there can be no doubt that chronic stress can ,,l.,rrllre body'ssystems,resultinginhardeningofthevesselsaroundourheart, r, ' rlrorl of our blood pressure, and a weakening of our physical immune system' I\losI research has been focused on demonstrating that negative emotions ,,, l,',rtl to disease or at least increase our proneness to it, but less attention has ',, rr 1r;1i{ to how stress can result in our becoming stronger and healthier, not ,,,11, 1r5r,'chsl6gically but also physically. There is now evidence from research in ;',,rtr\:r' grsychology that indicates that even the most severe stressors can result
,,'

it, it will happen" concept evolved. The years of neglect of the roie of consciousness in health and hr:rrlrrrrl seemed to iead to an over-compensation. "Mind over matter" became a pirr I ,l ihe self-help movement, but no matter what we've been told by pop psychol,, gists and gurus, mind over matter is a myth. with the possible exceptiorr.r interesting research on the very slight and subtle capacity of our intentiorrs t,, alter physical systems, no matter how much we put our mind on outside rrr;rl ter, it doesn't matter much. what does matter is what we allow to mattrrr l,r us, for this is what impacts our psychological and physiological immune sv,,
tems.5

tlrl

irrclividual's becoming stronger and healthier.u

Physical reality is not significantly altered despite our most positive

thinI

t'linical intern Elissa S. Epel, neuroscientist Bruce S' McEwen, and epii, rrrrologist Jeannette R. Ickovics wrote, "Under conditions of stress, one would

ing. But by tuning in to the way our psychological immune system

and learning about how

opertrlr,,,

it tends to work when under stress, we can assist arrrl boost that system's capacity to help us thrive through any adversity. To trrr. extent that this system works on its own and in harmony with unconsci,rr', processes, we can do our best not to get in its way by injecting our ()\,\'tl
obstructive thoughts.

system, but positive physiological changies can ,, ( often in the context of psychological thriving. In physiological terms, ,l'r', lrirnslates into greater restorative. (i.e. anabolic) processes than destructive ,, t ;rtabolic) processes at work."' They point out that psycholo$ical thriving can
1,,,

I a physically weakened

ur

lzzie,the death camp survivor, knew he could change his mind but not trrr. physical constraints of the prison walls. His thriving was due not to his mentally moving mountains but to his learning to think about, explain, construe, antl
develop his own explanatory style as to what mountains, walls, cruel 5luards, arrtl

i,,ril lo physical thriving through what they call a "toupihening-up" process. In ,tlrlr words, mentally thriving through a crisis can become "embodied," or made , l,,rr.t of, our body's systems and strengthen them over time. t)ur psychological immune system becomes stron$er in much the same way ,,,rr nruscles do. To build stronger muscles, we must first stress and break them
,1,,rvrr,

his imprisonment would mean for him. rzzie thrived because he remained tlrt. master of his mind. He knew when he was intentionally fooling himself or prt, tending to hear the deaf man's symphony or the distant sounds of approachirrll
rescuers, and both his psychological and physiological immune systems seemerl to respond to the meaning his mind kept creating. when matters seemed at the ir

resulting over time in stronger, bigger muscles capable of iifting more , rlilrt. When we thrive through many traumas, we strengithen our psychologirl irnmune system and become better able to handle the weight of life's crises. I rIi'our muscles, a broken spirit can become a much stron$er one.
| ' | ^ ' I t.t,ltltll$, f^lnWlnS, AnA Uf0Wlng

worst, lzzie made his mind matter more. Thriving is based on knowing how our psychological immune system works and maximizing its efficiency by allowing it to work by its rules, not by clinginll
to the popular psychology myth that we can accomplish anything with sufficierrt mental will power. Izzie said,, "I don't think we can do a lot about changing tht, actual outcome for most things, but I think we can do a hell of lot to decide tht,

It is beyond the

scope of this book to go into detail about the neuroendocrine

r ,lcrl's response to thriving and the physiological details of how repeatedly growing tlrr orrsh stress enhances our physiological well-being and makes our body stron$er.
Ir

sirrple terms, we have what are called "anabolic" (generally physically enhancing)
11)

172

lr llrllntrtt t rn lu

st

lt'ilq rt I ltotrsrrttl'1i,,,(',\

( )l'('f'

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attd "cat;rllolic" (lllrysicirlly stresslirl) ncrrrolrorrrurrrcs lkrwing tlrrotrglr ouf r'rrlrrt

body.'lhe [erm "anabtllic" relcrs to processes of rlairrtenance, growtlr, buildi1tr1, r rr ation, and those that strengthen our system. The term "catabolic" refers t9 l)l.9t.r'r,:r ,,
of weakening, consuming, using up, and those that generally weaken our sy.slt.rrr When we experience stress or a highly alert emotional state, our sympallrc(rr 1r nervous system causes catabolic hormones to be released. These are the sant(,trrr

r,rrtlrr,r'slrt:ss6rs. Wlrcrr we tlrrivc tlrrouglr actttc irdversity, we secm to ltccontc lcss ,t,rlrolicirlly reactive to such stressors in the future. Our hrain seems to be a little

mones that lead to the pilomotor erection response you read about in chiurllr ', They are made for our short-term survival and for staying alive, but not in largt, ,rrr,l

persistent doses for helping us enjoy and make sense of living. They are honrrorrr,, designed for fighting back to save our lives, not lying back to reflect on its me;rr rp
r rr

, rlrrrr.l irl the next calamity, and our entire body system becomes less stress-sensitive r,, r .rl5(, it is not flooded with as large a dose of catabolic hormones. Our anabolic horrirrl(,s ipcredse faster, and the rate at which the catabolic hormones decrease also t,, ,'rls ul.r. In terms of dealing with stress, our body systems become stron$er. 'l'lris lirst form of psychological "bodybuilding" is not effective if we merely ,n\,t\r(,and recover from Stress. By cOnStruin$ a stressor in a Constructive, ,.r, rrr,lll griented way, we toughen our body even more by rendering it less sensir ,,r. 11 reactive over time to the damaging effects of the catabolic hormones like
r
,r

They are made for quick and intense reaction, and they prepare us to fight or l,rlri flight. In the long run, however, they put immense stress on our body syslr,rrr:

,,,rtrsol. Thus, mental thriving contributes to a more stress-resistant physical r,,,,1r,.'l'his may be one reason basic training in the military and particularly in

while thriving can be enersizing, constantly trging to survive can

lead to illnt,ss

The parasympathetic or relaxing nervous system secretes "anabolic" or "brri!rl ing and restoring" hormones, which counter our aroused state caused by the c;rl,r bolic or "burning and protecting" hormones. Anabolic hormones cause u.s kr llr,l more like we are flowingithan fighting. They help us settle down, heal, and becorru reenergized. catabolic hormones burn energy while anabolic hormones save il,

units includes not only rigorous physical training but also .,,n,,t.rnt psychological pressure. To achieve victory in battle requires not only ,rrvrvirl and resilience. It also requires warriors who can thrive through the ,lrlr.
sqrecial forces

Catabolic hormones include the cathecholamines such as adrenaline ;rrrrl noradrenaline and cortisol, the one that remains elevated for the longest perrrrrl afterwe experience stress. Huge and prolonged secretions ofcortisol can leatl 1,, serious damage to our body.' That's why the most devastating kind of stress

physically stron$er. ',,r:;l scenarios to become both mentally and (llrronic, unrelenting stress or consistently making big deals of lots of little tr':;sors does not Seem to have the toughening effect, so the best mental exer, r ,r. rcfimen for psychological bodybuilding is to try to thrive througih many big l,r,,lrlcms over time. The trick seems to be to avoid getting caught up in making 1,r1, ,1.u1, of little hassles or becoming emotionally entrapped in one lifelong
, rr

that which seems to have no end and no way out, and that's the kind of slrr.:ir thrivers are best at dealing with. Their creative consciousness always eventrurlly allows them to discover a way to thrive through their chronic stress.
Just as weight lifters strain their muscles every day for hours a time, chrorrr,

t'hnting stressful situation. My interviews with thrivers indicate that they have the skill of breaking Ir,rlrna apart into mini-traumas rather than viewing life as one constant crisis. lnr, of the thrivers illustrated this process when she said, "My dauhter will rrr.r,r.r b free of her emotional problems. I dealwith this by taking it one probrr

cortisol secretion puts immense strain on all the body systems. Anabolic lror mones such as growth hormone, insulin, insulin-like growth factor (IGF-l), irrrrl
sex steroids counter this effect. By striving through a series of stressors, we exl)(,

l, l r irf a time, and when that problem is over, it's over. I avoid seeing her as a perdeal forever with a ,,r,rrrcntly problematic child or my life as having

to

ti

rience allostasis, our body's ability to adapt to our ever changing and challengirrgl world. when allostasis improves, we become more fit. Because we have stretclrt,rl

our limits, our body becomes stronser and we are more able to physically thrivr,
P y ch olo gical n @b uil ding

r:,lratingly difficult person. Instead, I see her as a child with problems that I'm lr, lpirrS her deal with one big aggravation at a time." 'l'he second psychological bodybuilding technique is to be sure to "give it a rest" | ,r t5vrFt each acute stressor. Exercise physiologists know that exercising our muscles
r

, o

without rest results in damaged, not stron$er muscles. We need to have our r,,r,t'hological immune system stressed if it is to get stronger, and acute and intense
i,,.ry day

pr,,hlems from time to time seem to enhance our psychoimmunity. Howevet feeling
,rrrtle

There are two ways we might be able to become physically stronger because wr, have psychologically thrived. One way is that our repeated mental and emotional dcll

r stress all the time by chronic stressors eventually destroys that immunity.

ingwith acute or major trauma

seems to steel or inoculate our nervous system agairrsl

()ur time spent in the toxic catabolic or burning energy state of our psycholr rlrig;,1 un6 physiological immune systems is reduced when we find a way to rest
115

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or gtt;rw;ty tttt:ttt;rlly I'ront o(rr sIr('ssors. orrt ol lltl llrnvcrs r';rllrd llris;r "1',.r ceptiol'lpause"thatallowcdltcrto"sltutdowrrirncl lrl rrryrrrirrdt;rkc;rlitllt,|rr,\r.r,
nap t0 get energized again."

,,

t.

ur(, ;rwiry

,i,,,r l't'oplt'wlro
i, '\,nrnrutcs
l

lirr ;r wlrilc. I ltrrow l'll llroh;rblv ttot t'vt'r rcirlly lltrV it, lltrI wlrrr irre n't dyirrfl look lirr ncw cars tltcy carr'L al.lirrd, so why should
a

Another way to "get away from it all" is the thriver's teclrnique bcirrrl r,r,rli 'f ing to "go a little crazy" when under duress. As you have read, thrivcrs'rlr.rr
engage in some degree of self-delusion that at least temporarily isolate.s an(l (.r rr l partmentalizes their stress. Doing so provides them with just enouglr t,st,r;,,

i l, I nry tlying dcprive me o1'Lhat sirrrple plcasurci'And you know what? After oIcar shoppinf, I feel a little physically stronger, too."

lrc rliry he died, his nurse told me that she found a Mercedes-Benz catalogue

from the reality of their situation so that the catabolic hormones can be rctlrr,,,,l and the anabolic hormones have the chance to increase.
,*1 A l nflvtng Lytng

i', .r,I lrirn on his bed. She said, "l can't imagiine what possessed him to waste his 1,r r r r{ )uS last moments shopping for a new car." I knew that he had not wasted a r1'lt'nlorlnt, and that he had been a little stronger physically at the end r'rr.rus('lris thriving had made his moments in manyways more precious than i1,,, ,r' wlro take living for granted.
l'sychological bodybuilding is a way of embodying the thriving response so that ir Ir.r'r)nreS translated into tangible physiological benefits. When we mentally cont,r( itdversity into ways to grow, our body becomes more quickly habituated to the ,t,rlxrlic hormones, eventually reactingi less intensely to them over time, and our ,, r,rl'olic hormones are freed to have a more immediate, prolonged, and protective
, tt, r

If we view a trauma as any

challenge

to a psychological immune

sysrr,r,

designed to deal with it, we may feel more confident in our ability to grow throrrlllr it. we can consider stress not to be gradually killing us but actually making rr.. stronger. We can feel less intimidated by whatever life has in store for us. One th rivr,r said, "when I felt stressed before, I used to say, 'oh no, what's next?'Now I usturlly take a deep breath and say to myself, 'okay, now let's try to figure this one out."' Even the proces.s of dying can involve a degree of psychological bodybuilding irrrtl an opportunity to thrive. By following the h.vo principles above and breaking thi.s rrrrr
versal and inevitable life challenge into its parts, we can avoid seeing death as one lrrll

l. l{educingi stress is a good idea, coping with stress can be helpful, but thriving i I rr r rr r[h stress can be an excellent psychological and physical fitness program.

Itttlut'( rc lnflve
l'sychologists and physicians have long known about a condition called r,rlrrrc-to-thrive syndrome.'g It is a cluster of symptoms found in premature t,,rl,rrs, severely neglected children, and also very often in the elderly. There is
r1'rril'icant loss of weight, the muscles become weaker, general life energy level lrrrrirrishes, and overall weakness and vulnerability

t*1

catastrophic event. We can consciousiy divide dying into its spiritual, emotinrurl,
physical, and social components, and focus on the one or two with which we still hrrv,, the mental capacity to deal. we can use thriving's periods of fixation, regression, slll delusion, and enlightened denial to buy us time to get some mental rest. In this way, the mind and even the body can become at least a little stron{r,r

to illness result. It is the

for dealing with one of the most important times in our lives. one of my felhnt, cancer patients expressed this idea when he told me, "you know, I've learned orrt, thing from this rotten cancer. Anyone can live reasonably well, but vou have l. be pretty damned strong to die well."

"1,posite ofthe physiological hardiness that can result from the kind ofpsychot,'r'ical bodybuilding I've been describing. l'sychologists have long known that the failure-to-thrive syndrome is related

r,' r)verexposures to prolonged and unrelenting stress. The stress on our body's r",lcnls of entering theworld too soon for the body's capacity to function, of livrrrl, in ? home characterized by constant turmoil, conflict, fear, or exploitation, ,r simply living many years eventually results in the catabolic hormones taking
,

of course death cannot be denied, but we can thrive through even this mosl traumatic aspect of life. we can use our minds to give our faitring bodies at leasl a little more strength to fight and, when the time comes, to more easiiy, gract,
fully, comfortably, and meaningfully let go. I was speaking one night with one of my fellow cancer patients. FIe knew h. was dying, but I saw that he was researching the purchase ofa new car. "Lookinf for a gift for your wife?" I asked. "Hell, no," he laughed. "I'm looking for mysell. I've got every car catalogue I could get my hands on. Thinking about a new car n6

tlrlir toll. When we are in an almost constant catabolic state, thriving becomes ilrt:mely difficult, but even then there are those who still thrive. Werner and ,'rrith's thriving Kauai children (discussed in chapter 6) are an example of the
t

lrr

eat of failure to thrive being transformed to the thriving response.

'fhe mind and body are one. To think of them as separate or to refer to the ,rrrrrd being over the body is destructive to our thriving response. It causes us to
117

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t',
, rrl,,

t'ittrl,t IInur,,nr,l

I ltttr'r t

)tt't

live our livcs irt an ;rrtil'icial clicltotorrry arrcl willr llrt. lirlst: llr:licl'ol'sepirflllrrr
between our consciou.sness and our physical bodics. Spending ltotrrs in llrr. 1ir'r,, while neglecting the mind does not lead to physical, emotional, rrenr;rl, or ,,t,ir

ollV rt'lrolt,lV rt'l;rlctl to llrc orifitr;rl sln'ssor. Alltr

rrry l;rtlte r wits slltt[ ;ttlcl

in;t robbcry, lrc tolcl ttte, "l,lvt'rV tittte lt cloor slatns, a firecracker goes ,rl ,,r ;r c;rr backlircs, I bcgin to trunble and duck firr cover. I dream about being
,,rrrrrlctl

itual thriving. Meditating, contemplating, or trying various mind-over-llodv r.r' cises while failing to exercise and attend to the physical body alsu rr:srrlt', rr, leading "half a life," a life in which we fail to thrive. The body and mirrd;rrr ir, constant reciprocal dialogue. A sick or suffering body bothers and distrrrt.t:, tlr, mind as much as a bothered and agitated brain disturbs its body.

i ,,l
:"ltl

,11111

lce

I tlre hurning in my hand whenever somebody on television shoots a

Grjup t nrrytng
Positive psychology's assumption is that most of life's problems rest wrlrrrn relationships and not within individuals. For pathogenic medicine and p.svt.lr,,l
ogy, the word "system" has tended to refer to an individual's body system or irrrri

*1

l''l'Sl) is related to changies in the brain that in turn cause a catabolic hor,,,,,rr1 lt'irction. In an unnecessary and overreactive preparation for a threat that ,,,, l,nger exists, two neurochemicals called catecholamines (adrenaline and ,,,,r.rrllt'naline) are secreted to get the body ready to deal with an extreme emeri , il( \', rven though it exists only in our memory. We can end up depleting our !l,rrvur{ resources by constantly automatically mobilizin them in response to
iirr rrlirl

lllse alarms.

lrr spite of his thriving,lzzie still described having moments of PTSD. He ,r,1, "sometimes when someone quickly raises his arm over his head, I flinch
,' r, I rlr

vidual behavior. The new psychology sees a system as a total interactive pr'r r", between persons relating in and with the world. Health and illness are viewltl ,r.,
"systems concepts," meaning everything we do and experience in life take.s
il1,r, ,

rck. I don't even have to think about it, but an image of a prison guard with , ,,r1ilrl stick hitting me again and again flashes through my mind and my body

within an interrelated collective context.

We do not live, get sick, get well, or die alone; and thriving depends on krr,r' ing and living with the recognition that nothing we do, say, or feel is isolirtr,,l from everything else, and that includes our psychoimmunity. Our physrr,rl

,,.,, ls bcfore I have time to stop the thought." l'('rsons suffering from PTSD can sometimes be very "flappable," meanin$ rl,rl llrcy can show the kindling response whenever an event happens that
r

immune system is affected by the systems of those around us, their healtlr,,rrr,l their healing. our hearts can sense the energy of other hearts around rr,' Thriving is a total mind-body-others life system. It includes not only our rrrrrrl and our body, but the minds and bodies of everyone around us.

them of a past trauma. Author Daniel Goleman wrote that researchers 'r,,,' lhouSht that anyone who was extremely "unflappable" was in a state of I, rrr,rl or even repression.lt My own interviews and research on the thriving
,
r r r

rLls

,(,t,r

)r)seshowthatitisthethrivers'wayof adaptivelyconstruin$whathashapirnd is happening that makes them seem "unflappable'"

r,, rt('(l

our psychological immune system is not independent, either. It not'rrr' influences our body but is influenced by it. By paying attention to our physir,,rl
health, we are strengthening our mind and therefore our thriving responsc. wr exercise our body not just to live longer but so that we can live well. we th.rr', not just to live more years but also to find more meaning in them. one of the hr,,,r
ways we can enhance our thriving response is to do moderate, enjoyable exerci:,r with someone we know who seems to be a thriver.

lrL
(

Vtrlue of TempuedTemper Tantrums ioleman wrote that unflappable people "become so adept at bufferinEi them;rSainst negative feelings, it seems, that they are not even aware of the neg-

llls

,trlrly. Rather than calling them repressors a more apt term might be ,rrrtl;rppable.""'The thrivers I interviewed, however, could be just as flappable as ,,,r',,rre e1se. Theywere not any more consistently laid-back, naturally calm, or
,!,rt)('rtLlrbable than the rest of us. In fact, they seemed to be able to intentionally ,ll,,u, Ihemselves to, as one thriver put it, "go a
rl,{ n'('motions back

Traumatic Ghosts
Evidence of our failure to capitalize on the power of our psychologit,rl immune system can be found in post-traumatic stress disorder. prsD occrl', when a life trauma becomes frozen in our memory causing us to overreacl lrr

little nuts for a while," then rein

in, and begin again to work on developing a more effective

1,l,rrrrrtory style.

llrrlike those who kindle and ruminate about their problems, thrivers were ,l,lr lo distract themselves from the chain of sadness or anxiety-maintaining
110

tt8

I ltt llrttltrtt,ru I

rtr

lot

I iviltt'

,t I ltottr,tttri I t,/tr'\ ( )l'r'/

thilrkirrg. Wlrilt: kirtcllcrs;ttttl ollctt srrrvivors;rrrtl rt,t'ovt,rt'rs st,t,rrrcrl (o lr'\, 1. rlr tract thenrselves l.rom thcir ltreserrl s;rrl tlroughts lty c:ornilrg up willr ollrr,r ., i,! and fearful thoughts, thriver.s managed to find "muod.shifters."'l'lrt:y wt,rr.,,r,r, to enhance and promote their psychological immune system'.s iencle rrcy l,,r'r ,r,l
becoming stuck in one emotional state. Thrivers sometimes scream, swear, have angry outbursts, have a lrirrrl , rr sulk, or withdraw. But whatever they think during these times seems tlillr,rr rrr from what is on their mind regarding the bigger problem disrupting thr:ir lrr,,

lrrlt.rrliorurllV tlistr;rttitrf orrrst'lvt's;rllows lltt'cotttp;trttttcttl;rlizittiorr ol lt loxtc !,,, urrr\, so ortr psyclrologit:;rl irrrrrrtrrtc syslcttt cittt work rttore lrecly with rcal and 1,i,.,r'nl sl rtssors. lt ;rllows us to t-nainlain a generally upw;rrd psychological l-ra-

i,, t,,r\'.;rrrd the result e|'this psychglgsy is a healthier physiology. We experience t, , , ,rl;rlrolic and more anabolic hormones, and our body becomes more ready for , ,,,rr'llr tlrrguSh-and not just survival of-adversity. Because they do not allow rt,, 1il rosts of past trauma to become frozen in their minds, thrivers often appear ilrn un(lcr stress. In fact, they are actuallyjust as flappable as anyone else, but
,l'r',r1':, t'xLremely

It seems that they could intentionally allow themselves to "lose it" over ir rnr.,nl
ingless hassle such as being short-changed at the grocery store. one of nrv lr,ll,,,, cancer patients used what she called her "somewhat tempereci temper tarrlrrrrrr..
as a way to distract herself from becoming overwhelmed by her anxiety r)vr.r

mentally active in dealing with real and present problems.

lr.

ln (risis Chaln Reqction

Yorr have read that we tend to deal

next chemotherapy treatment. Thrivers sometimes use their overreactivity as a kind of self-adminislr,rr,l ECT, electroconvulsive therapy often called "shock therapy." They empkrv rr r,, allow them a temporary respite from their big problem, and that helps thcrr get that problem for at least a while.

with severe crises in our lives with subtle

llr

',r',t ious or sometimes unconscious decisions. We decide if we will engage in i rrr,llirr[, survival, recovery, resilience, or thriving' Our psychological immune r' ,tr,rrr |'unctions in different ways during each phase of this crisis chain reaction. ItiAhting It: The first stage is kindling, a kind of emotional and mental flailrrrl',rlrout that does little to help our situation. Unless we are able to keep our r,,rrrrilive brain centers in check, most of us "lose it" for at least a little while , lr,,rr ;r trauma first occurs. Instead of puttinS out the emotional fire, we cause it
r

The difference between helpless chronic flappability and intentional l'l;rp1,,, bility seems to be whether or not we are in the process of expandins our expr;rrr,r

tory style and not just stuck with what Goleman calls "a set of bad rrr.,,,l thoughts" that keep recycling in the same explanatory system. Thrivers scr,nrr.rl
to have a keen awareness of their agitation when their psychological immunc :rr,,. tem mistakes a past memory for a present threat, and when they inhibit llr.rr own thriveability by what one thriver called "getting stuck in the same olcl rrrt.rr

, , I l, r rc up by trying to fight or flee our situation. This kindling only worsens the j,rt)ircL of the crisis and lessens our ability to deal with it effectively. Our psycho-

tal mud." The thriving response involves our ability to intentionally and selectiyr,ly delude ourselves away from our bad mood makers. when my mother was feclirrlr very down about yet another bout of life-threatening pneumonia, she accirlt,rr tally dropped one of her small oxygen tanks on her ankle. It caused a small lrrrl not dangerous wound. she cried bitterly and became very angry with thosc slr,, thought responsible for not safely storing her tanks. when I tried to comfort lrt,r she said, "wait. Not yet. This little temper tantrum I'm having is getting my nrn r(l off my breathing problem. Let me enjoy it for a few more minutes.,,
By engaging in periods of intentional flappability, we can prevent our pott,rr

immune system immediately and reactively goes into its catabolic defense As a result, we become agitated, unreasonable, irrational, and eventually ',,,,t1t'. ,lr,rrrrcd and exhausted from dealing with a fire we ourselves are fueling. Orre of my patients illustrated the kindling response when he was suddenly ,rr,l rrnexpectedly fired from a job he had held for 20 years. He said, "l went ballr,lit'. I made everything worse for my family and me by yellin$ and cursin$. I
l,,11rr'irl

tlrrt,;rtened to sue and even wrote a letter to my boss threatenin$ to sue him. If ,,ry lvife hadn't told me to cool it and let it go, I don't know what would have hap1

rl t tttd."

[acing It: The second stage is the sur.uival response. Unless we become fix,t, tl in this confrontational stage for too long, the anabolic hormones now begin r,r r'ounterbalance the catabolic hormones. We become a
,

little more settled and

tially catabolic-state-inducing memories from dominating and weakening oul

psychological immunity. This intentional distraction is not "venting," which gor.,, on and on for the purpose of "getting something off our chest." It is first arrrl foremost a necessary distraction to buy time to work on our explanatory systerrrr
120

,,lrn, but we are not yet "back to normal." Because we have less of the catabolic .,rrtl agitating neurohormones flowing through our brain and body, we can

lr,t'r)fig more rational and reflective. The man who lost his job described his , rrlry into this phase when he said, "l guess you can fight reality for only so lon$.

llt llit llittt'ltr I ttt ltl

I
Yttrl t'lllrt r'lrrrrrr oul ()r \,()tt st,lllt.tlolt,n;ut(l l,t(.(.lltt.l,rt.l.s, l,.l\rt.rrlrr,rllv r,,,r, i, Io.sl;trI tlrirrlrirrg;tlrotrl lvlr;rl Volt (.;l) tlo lo srrrvrvt,.,, Acccpting l1: 'l'lrc llrirtl stirge is llrr rtrt'ovrry 'l'lrt, r\ i!' ri l)('st Irrrtrl ro

n'tu,,,.

rt I lt,,tt,,ttt,l I tuti, r tl.tt

groggy. we can do much of what we did before the trauma, but wt, s(.r.,{ u, are not far from relapse to survivor mode.

r,,,, toourface,wernanagetogettoourfeetandwalk,butwe,re.stiil;r riflr.rrr,,,i

.

able to feel our psychological immune kickin* irr ;r.s w. r.rrr,rr,,,,. 'ystem bounce back up from being down. As if we have been knockctr tron,rr rr\,,r
,!

experience short spurts of more physical ancl cnr.l.i,r.ral strcrrgrrr. wr. rrrr,,!,i

irrrirlr,rrr ,r,r,, l)llirsc. our psychological irnmune sy.stcm bccorrc.s more clrrrrirrill)r, ;rl(l \\,r, rrr 1ri,,
, ,

.
,

lrt'in rrrt"'1rr,ilin11 p;rsr ir" sr,r1it,, rrrc rrrirrr wrrl r,sr rris.j,h l ' "pl1 s;rv rlrt'y r';rrr'r lt'll I t,vt,r wt,rrr rlrrorrlllr rlurr lrcll. | [hink |nr at pcacc . ,r rr,11', lrrrl lr,rr lirrrc t, tirrrc it ll;rslrrs tlrr,ufh my mind and I get. that 'll I'nr ' "r ,,rll rlrc cat;rbolic reaction like Lotally reliving the whole thins in

'

,,

ll

rrr rrry ltocly."

of crisis management, the man quoted above saicl,,,trt took more more for me to recover from the shock of what those

less mental effort than is involved in the surr,rival stafle, w(. rr,rrtr,, i put the adversity in the background of our consciousness, but it is;rru,,rr,,, rr,,, ready to send us back to the "fight it" or "face it,'stages. As he enlcrt,tl r ,,.

with

', t lrt' rnemory so it does not spill over to flood the corridors of our mind. ' ' I ' l,r('r t' those around us and value our time spent with them more than
'
'

'|''|{r\\'rrlr llecause of It: T'his is the thriving stage. Anabolic neurohormones " ' 'l'rrrirAnt, and we are able to voluntariry construe what happened in ' r rr"r'llurI it c'ntinues to be a stimulus for new emotional, mental, spiri'1rrr' rr)('rsonal, and even physical growth. we have managed to compartir

rrrr

l,,l 1'11.11;l1ma.
i "
rr

[rl;r,,r r,

,,
,

uncaring h;rsr,rrrr,.,r,.r tirrrt,

,

me' No thanks to them, I giot another job and I am getting on with rrr\, rrrr 1,,,r i think I'll be recovering from what happened for a very long, lons

Getting Past

It: This is the

resilience stage. when we fer (,rr.1r,,,,,i,

acknowledge that
best to work

the example of bending metal, in the "fight it" phase we become d.rlr\,rrrr ,,,. someone or some event bent us emotionally out of shape. We may tr\r t. ,tr . gie angrily to force ourselves back into shape or surrender anrJ nr.grr. .\,, | !r, shape in which we find ourselves. In the "face it,'stage, we look at ilrr, ,,rrr, r ,r

stressed, we sometimes say or others tell us that ,,bent we are out of .slurrrr.

,.

it doesn't matter much who bent it orwhy, and try lo r1,,,,., with the metar in its be.t condition. In the "getting pasr rr , ..r ,i..

,'

become frustrated and let it spring back to where it was originally" Resilience, as I am using the word here, does not just mean returnrrrl mal but to a more consistent normalcy with less threat of regression

we manage to bend the metal back to almost its original shape, but w,. , ,,,, i.,,

the trauma demands much less of our emotional time and ' metal" seems stronger because it was bent out of shape. Instead ' lr r r rJl 't 'n I'TSD, we enter what might be cailed prrR, post-trauma thriv, , I r, )n. We feel our psychological trajectory going and staying back up, and ||' , ,()r's e licit a lower degree of catabolic response. | |rr r.t rs rep.rt that they never forget their trauma and don't really want to. rrr .11;lq', however, to frame it in such a way that it is seen as an essential ' '('('cssary part of who and how they chose to become. At his three-year l'rllrv14r 11p session, the man quoted above said, "r know I'm stronger in all ' " 'r' I lrirrr before I went through the termination. I'm not telling you I don,t , ,,1', r il, ;rnd I guess I can't or don't want to forget what happened. But it Irl,r, il happened in another lifetime.,, r r' 'llrt'r erxample of the interaction between our psychological ancl physical
rrr'r111;11;vl

r)r llr is phase,

'

il
ll
iir

r,

r,,

"\'stcrls comes from findings about prSD. A study of survivors of Nazi :' ' 'rr'r)'s showed that about three of every four of those who survived
)l l"l'SD a half century after their experience. Looking at this research :l r l r t,Aeric or thriving point " of view, we note that one of every four who " r"'r lt't symptoms of prSD no longer had them. They had managed to 'l' ''ile the terror they had experienced and even though-and I wourd I l,( ( ;rusc--they had reported symptoms of pTSD in the past.13
|

!,r
r

had

ii
ii

'

rI

r',

rr;r, r,

'r,,,, orres of the one that set off the crisis chain reaction in the first place.,rir | | rr,,,,i side world, we seern none the worse for wear, and some may say that thr. ,,r,r, | ,, is back. However, deep in our own private consciousness where (,r
we do mosr

earlier crisis management state. During this phase, our psychorogicirr irrrrr,,,,,= system is characterized by a dominance of anabolic neurohormones. rit.r.,rrr , , this reduced agitated state, we become ress sensitive to new stressors

r,,

,,

"

lir

;lli
l

irlrr

j lrr

'

rr..

construing and framing of the events of our iives, we easily recalr thc rl,rrrr,,,. Our psychological immune system is still vulnerable to the symptoms.r r,r i, and slipping back down through the above stages.
122

't |'l''s|)slr.wedthehigherrevel.sof catabolichormonesintheirbrainsthat

rr' \\'irs .lso evidence in the death camp study that indicates how the emo_ , r r r il ne process of psychological thriving can become embodied into our 'l rr"r.rc system. The concentration camp survivors who stiil had

ill

lllil
ii

symp-

"'rllr' ;rss,ci.tecl with I)'lSr). 'l'h.sc wh. hacl managed to psychologically 1',r',1 llrrir l"l'sl) slrowccl rro rvitlt,rrt'c of llre clev;rled catecholamine*like

ilrl

lh ll']lltnwtt I ntlttt'
ir.s

ww
,ir(lren;rlir)(', nor;rtlrt'rr;rlirre, ;rrrtl t:orlisol. 'l'lrt,ir. llrrrr,ir,e
1,.,,,t

t ivittt,rt I Intt:rtttJ lltl,r'r ( )tt'l'

tr,rrr,rl;rrrrl corrsitlcrcrl tliscrrtr{;r[r'rrt'nt lrotrt l;rilrtl t:l'lirrts or sc;rlittI ltack to;r

lletlrollort))ollcs s(t(:ll

had becorle embodicd irr thcir plrysical systcr)).

r liolrl in tlrrr sirrrrc clorrrairr.'l'lris c;rrt;rllow Ihc psycl-rological itnmune syst, rrr lo "rcboot" and foctrs its cflirrts ntorc cfficiently and effectively.

A Daily Planfor
As

psychoimmunitst Enhancement

with our physiological immune system, if we nepilect our p.syclr,l,plir ,rl immunity or think in ways that get in the way of its basic rules of opcprlilrr, rl can fail us when we need it the most. Living a daily life that embraces 1rr sr,\,r,!r
basic psychoimmunity rules may help protect and strengthen that systenr. I lt,r,. r the daily plan for psychoimmunity enhancement I developed from my lntg.vrr,rr,,, with thrivers. I share it with my patients as a summary of the seven rules .l
|',,1,

. r ltr'r't

much stronger than you feel and think' You were made not ,,rrlr' lo endure but to flourish through your pain. Until we personally come to ,;;,],'tt how bad things can get, we often fail to see how powerfully resilient
tt1t. Y<tu're
:,1,1

chological immunity.

'

Let it go. Don't spend $100 worth of psychological energy on a l0-cent rrr lem. Don't burden your psychoimmunity by needressly squandering

rlr

rr,;

resources on daily hassles. Remember, no one upsets you. you upset yourst,ll

'

Haue faith. Don't get emotional about being emotional. stop agigravatins y.rrr self. unless you cling to them, all emotional states pass. Trust your inborn nrt,rr

'l'lrr above recommendations are examples of how thrivers think about their ,i,rlv lilc. One of my patients was a single mother living in a poor and crimer rrhL'n irrozr of Deiroit. In a six-year period, she had seen three of her sons killed rrr 1,,rrrfl-related slayings. She summed up her thriver's way of thinking when she ,rrrl, "l stopped counting the number of times I've been devastated. I'm a very pointless. Then, when I heard ',lrlliotrs person, but I began to think that life is tlr,' l;rlk about Mr. Beethoven's thriving, I began to think that just existing is 1,,,rrrl cnoush. Everything else is abonus. I find so much joy in my other chil,lr.rr. I've had to learn to let ihe bad times do what they do and wait them out.
,,n r('hoW you come back stronger than ever. I don't mean you're not sad forever, lrr'r'irus you are. I have an$er and sadness scars all over my heart' But sornehow
'

tal resiliency.

'

Calm down. Don't be a thrill seeker. Extreme highs can be as stressful to yorrr psychological and physiological immunity as severe lows. what goes up muhl come down. Living your life with the intensity that was known to our ancestor r, only at times of battle eventually exhausts your entire line of defense agalrsl
stress.

\'')rrr sadness and grief helps you find the bonuses in living that others may not trrrtl. I guess that's whatyour Mr. Beethoven did. You become more immune to

llr(' pain and more sensitive to the joy."

-t ivinga Thousand Times Over l.-,

wait a while. Don't despair over sadness. Stop ruminating. Even if it seerrrs impossible at your darkest moments, you will someday and some time feel rrs
happy as you are now sad.

'

suffer humblg. Don'tbe a martyr. Everyone suffers. Suffering is as natural and necessary as it is difficult. It is essential to a truly authentic, deeply meaning ful, and joyfully shared life.
necessarg, giue

As you have read, Beethoven's psychological immune system seemed to ,lrcngithen as his hearing failed. Despite the traumas of his life, he managed to Ilrrive until his death. He went through periods of panic, self-doubt and recrirnrrr;rLion, anger, envy, and profound depression and despair. His psycholo$ical tralr,ctory dipped and rose throughout his life, but it seemed to remain sufficiently ;1t'nerally upward to allow his creativity to flourish. The power of his psychoimrrrrrnity is reflected in his music's capacity to awaken within us a sense of our own thriving spirit.

' If

thought,

it is essential to a strong psychological immune

it up. tMhile giving up has a bad reputation in wester'

system. Despite

I have used Beethoven

as a role model for

thriving, not just because he was

th.

adage, "winners never

1rn

quit," thriving through a crisis often involves inten-

srrch an extraordinary talent but also because he thrived as an ordinary flawed ;rnd far less than perfect man. He was far from the image of the always joyful and

r'ontented person we might think a thriver is. He was an iconoclastic misfit and

125

nr

Deern0yett F0(t0r

I workaholic; he paicl little attention to his appcarance, an4 felt c.nst.rrll' nagged and pressured by his feeling that,,fate was knocking on my do'r,,,rrr, ignored most established conventions and frequently lost his temper. l.ar r.r'rrr being a people person, he once said, ,,I love a tree more
Beethoven did not confront his deafness with unrerenting grace and carrrr ness, but somehow he crimbed to remarkable creative heichislt least because of it. Despite this picture of an often troubred and frustrated geni*r, Beethoven remained consciously creative. Something within him allowed hirrr l, be sufficiently psychologicaily immune to be able to express a love of rifc i,rrl nature that resonates in our sours whenever we hear one of his symphonies, fu a summary of what you have read so far about thriving and the psych. logical immune system, consider again the thriving I described as the Beeth,vcrr Factor' It would have been amazing if Beethoven had been born deaf ancl sllll managed to compose remarkable music. His amazing feat would have shown thgt he could overcome one of the most terribre of disadvantages a musician courd face. It is perhaps even more amazing.and characteristic

ivirtg rt 't'houstrnl 't'inns

)vtr

driven

than a man.,,

in'*l

firrrrulirwakening to and embracing of life that is characteristic of thosewho have [,rrrrr,rl lrow to thrive. take some time to listen to Beethoven,s music or the work of a rrrlr)r)ser that seems to stimulate your own creative consciousness, you might lrr';rr wh.t Mosha, the piano teacher tortured by the Nazis, heard. perhaps you rr'tll l.r'l in.spired to thrive no matter what life has offered you. perhaps you wilr .rlrr'r'r('nce the thriving expressed by Beethoven as he approached his death and r'r,lr', "1 will seize Fate by the throat. Itwill notwholly conquer me. oh, how Ir.irr rl ilrrl it is to live-and to live a thousand times over." perhaps that,s the ulti_ rrr;rlI tlcfinition of thriving, to be able to seize whatever fate has in store for us ,rrrrl lrt'ciruse of it, to be able to live a thousand times over.

evcry tree seems to.speak t<l me, sayi'g,lrrryr ltoly!'rn the woods, there ir rrr('lrirllme't which expresses ail thing.s.,,This intense thriving in and with rrrrl*(' is expressed in Beethoven's sixth symphony,,,The pastoral.,, It is this pro_

r rrq111l1y,

ll v,u will

recall his memories of those lost sounds. If you have rost someone dear to you,

of thriving, however, that Beethoven had been able to hear, rost that gift, and still was abre to vividly

son's voice. If you're like most people, you

seem to hear the exact tone, special inflection, and unique resonance we hacl ul

ever. Even if an audio- or videotape is available, most of us feel that we can,t really

that voice again, and that uniquely wonderfur sound may seem rost to you

try now to hear the sound of that pet. will probabry have difficulty hearing
frrr-

often taken for granted.

To thrive through the trauma of my father's sudden premature death, I have often tried to hear my deceased father's voice. If I take prenty of time and try lrr listen with my heart and not my ears, it sometimes seems that I can hear hrr childish laugh. I can hear him say one of his favorite words, one that he loved to drag out for emphasis. Even when he was severely weakened by chronic hearl failure, he would describe events in his life as ,,beee-uuu-tee-full.,, perhaps

in some very small way similar to h'w Beethoven listened through his deafness. perhaps it was this way of thriving thnt allowed him to set the silent sounds to music.
we can imagine Beethoven walking through the woods ristening through hrr deafness for the sounds he once heard. we can imagine that a smile might have come to his face as he heard from somewhere inside him the chirping of the birds, the rippling of the streams, and the rustling of leaves. He wrote, ,,No on can love the country as I do. My bad hearing does not trouble me here. In the
tz6
t 7a

way

I try to listen for my

the

dad's voice is

li'r/ltrq )irttr t lrrivul,ilitt'

Wt'tkrrr'l lrirvc to w;ril lirr

,

ir c:irt;rstroltlrc

in ortr livcs Io dccidc to ertgafc irl Iltc

do

ri,rlr\rt'

corrsc:iott.sttes.s

tltal cltaractcrizcs tlrriving. We can decide now to

,,rrrr'r,xlt:nsive rnental work, tune in to <tur psychological immune system, and i',, lrr'\ronLl languishing throuSh life. We can decide to try to grow because of our i,r,,l,lr'prs ancl nnt just recover from them and live with a consciousness that ()l)qnly, freely, and regularly discovers the full gift of life. We can make the ',,,,r{ ','n',( ross cffort to extend the lessons of our suffering into a more adaptive and lit, t'rrt'lranting philosophy of living. In other words, we can elect to flourish.

Tuting

To

ur Thr iv eqb ilit)

lrr what seems to be an increasingly fast-paced, hectic, distracted, and cynical kl, taking the time to reflect about the point of it all can seem a waste of valuable lrrrrr, survival and recovery take much less mental and emotional time and energy tlr.rrr lrying to learn to thrive because of a life trauma. Getting back to normal is easr, r ,rnd quicker than reflecting about whether we really want to go there again'
,,,r

'

tfu

I',.rtrops who have developed their "thriveability" use times of challenge as times for
a time of decast comes the turning

point. rhe powerful light that has

been

,1rrr':;lioning what "normal" has become for them. They use them

to develop and

banished rcturns.'

r,'lrrrt' their explanatory system and strengthen their psychological immunity'

The Choice of

t ching, rhe

n o ok o;f

changu
t hL Chicken

Broth Disqster

aLfetine
l,r,

'l'hose of us who have known major trauma in our lives are sometimes amused

it.

Beethoven, rzzie,Mosha, and the other thrivers you have read about all clitl Somewhere in the midst of their suffering came a turning point when thcv

made the choice of their lifetime. They elected to go beyond surviving and recov ering and opted to thrive through their challenges. They could have elected l, remain in suffering with their pain, struggle to survive it, or try to recovercr

what some people consider a Crisis. "Oh, my GOd," said a woman tO a confused in the grocery store. "This ruins absolutely everything for the party. I rrlt'cled chicken broth for my recipe and you tell me you're out of it? The party is
,tock bo)
| , rr

return to their prestress state. They chose instead to try to become stronger, wiser, and more fully and authentically alive because of their problems. Thcv didn't just cope with their problems; they used them to learn how to relish tht, moments of their lives that were free of the stress, grief, and pain of the events that led them to their turning point.
If we choose to thrive, we have to make the choice to become conscious thal we are conscious. We can elect to do what other animals can't. we can choosc to become observers of our thoughts and how we are thinking, reflect on our

rinht, and now I have to fight the traffic again to find another store. I don't have I lrt, time for this. If they don't have it, everything will be ruined. Do you know what ,r nrcss this makes of my life?" As the bewildered stock boy searched the shelves lr,rqtically, the woman kept talking out loud to herself. "It's supposed to rain,
tlrcy've chopped up the damn street in front of our house so no one will be able to 1,rrrk, and half the people haven't even had the common courtesy to RSVP."

inner mental processes, and try to know that and how we know. Author Julian
Huxley wrote, "Man is nothingi but evolution becoming conscious of itself." In ir way, that's what thriving is-becoming conscious of how we are evolving in our

Knocking a few cans to the floor as the woman repeated, "Come on, come orr," thg relieved clerk said, "Oh, here they are," and handed her his peace offerrng ofa can ofchicken noodle soup. "For God's sake," sighed the increasingly disr;rrsted woman. "You don't even know the difference between chicken noodle and ,lricken broth? Just forget it. This is becoming a worse disaster. This is the last
lrrne I'11 ever shop here."

world.
tz8

may seem that this woman was joking, she clearly was not. She :;ltrmmed her grocery cart into a shelf and, with tears in her eyes, stalked angrily ,rrrt of the store. I walked over to comfort the dismayed clerk, but he refused to

While

it

129

I lrt llLrlhoyrtt lirttot stolr krokirrg lirr tlrc clrickrn brotlr. "'l'lrcrr!" lrt, lrlrrrosl vcllcd lrolclinll up;r t.irrrr,r chicken broth. "lf shc could have waited onc nrore nrinutc, it was right irr lr.rrt of her all the time."

f1's/111,1r '11r111'

I ltt

iri,tl,tlitl'

I had seen less intense reactions than this woman's in my fellow cirrrr'r patients when they received bad news about a necessary painful procerlurc. I lr,rrl seen the "tempered temper tantrums" they used to escape for a few morn{,n1,.
from their pain or worries about a coming treatment, but their tantrums u,r.r, modulated and purposeful, not helplessly reactive. when I heard the irngn
woman complain about the traffic, I remembered how often I had lookect outsrrlr my hospital room window and longed to have another chance to Eiet stuck in lr,rl fic. If we are the ones constantly making mountains out of molehills, we errtl rr1, living in a perpetual state of survival. One thriver said, "You can't thrive throrrllr

I llrt'n;rsktrl lltcttt lo pl;tt't ott tlrirl lirrtr Iltc trvcrtls ii,, r'lr'll lr;rtl t'lrrrst:tl llrcrrr to bt:corrtc sotreltow tuortr itlivc, wiscr, ar-rd sLrrltrfer. I , | ,,1 llrr.rn lo includr: lhose [inrcs wltcn thcy fitund new nreaning in their lives 'rr,l ,1 ,111 11 {hcnr to firrecast. and add sintilar events in their future. Most of my i' it' nls lillcd their lines not only with what seemed like positive events but also
,,

| ,rl ,rrr irrlrlrrrry

1)0 Vt';rrs.

rt

lr tlrt'
.'\r,

ne

gative traumas of their lives.

,,r, ,,rrr

I stated in part 1, I am using the word "trauma" as anythin$ that messes lilc plans and shakes up our explanatory system. For the woman above,

rt,,
,

your problems if you're the problem." on my way home from the store, I saw a car resting on the front lawn .r ,r home. I could smell burned rubber and torn-up sod. The neighbors had gatho r.,l around a little girl sitting on her bike. when I stopped to offer assistance, tlrr, girl's mother said her daughterwas frightened but not injured. She said,,,,l,lr,rl
crazy woman over there almost killed her." I saw the chicken broth hunter sitting on the curb crying. She seemerr

,rllirrcss and life-wasting nature of the missin chicken broth could have ,\', (l ;rs a call to draw her attention to her failure to thrive in her life. Hopefuliy, !1, rt('in'killing of a child by her trance-like tenseness and almost unconscious ,r' ,rl living will have served as a hammer to her consciousness that helped her
,,rr,l lrcr turning point toward thriving.

i\ lrauma in the way I am using the wr-rrd refers to any event that offers a sufi, r, rrl Ihrottoourexplanatorysystemtosetoff thecrisiscopingchainreaction ',t ilorscnirg, suffering, sut,riving, recovering, and potentially thriving' A key
r;,r ltlicrt for thriving often seems to be a profound sense of life disequilibrium. li,rur)rir in this sense may not be bad. It could range from a desired but unex1,,, lt'rl pregnancy to the sudden death of a parent. Both of these events can be tr rrrrrral-ic in their capacity to act as antigens or stimulants to our psychological

r,

recognize me from the market and looked up. she said, "I just wasn't thinkinil. I almost killed her. I was in such a damned hurry and so distracted that I just didrr,l

I can't stop shaking." At that moment, the police arrived and began qut,s tioning her. I had to leave, but I've always wondered if this stressed and distractt,tl woman would see that day in her life as a turning point. I wondered if she wotrltl
see her.

survive or recover from her accident or maybe even wake up in time to becorrrt, more conscious of what really matters in life. unfortunately, many of us don't recognize our full thriveability until sonrr, drastic as the car accident above occurs. until something major impost,s a significant turning point, we aren't usually able to calm down to be consciotrs
as

thing

us to seek new meaninSls about 'rrnune system. If we let them, they can cause lrvnrll that we might not have sought without becoming traumatized. While most of my patients placed several events that are $enerally seell as ,l, ,ir';rble happenings on their lifelines, all of them inciuded more "negative traurrr.rs" irs significant turning points. Death, the loss of a loved one, the end of a l,,rll term relationship, a severe career crisis, and serious or life-threatening illIr( r,\ were considered turning points at least as often and usually more often than , \'' t)t.s such as a birth, a wedding, or the experience of sudden $ood fortune or
|

of our consciousness or to think about how we have come to think. I hope tlrt, lessons in this thriver's manual will provide you with some ideas for thrivinri right now, and before something happens that forces your hand.

asked my patients to discuss their turning points, they inevitably 1,,,I<c at more length and with more reflection and emotion about the "negative" Ir,rurnatic events. It is a principle of the functioning of our psychological immuWhen
r

'rrlr level

success.

rrtv [[31 we often seem to find more happiness and contentment in reflecting on rsl negative events than on present or future positive events. One of my patients

Read{ngYour Lfeline turning points in their lives that can lead to the choice to thrive, I asked them to draw their lifeline. I asked thenr to draw a timeline from the year of their birth to the clate of their death. whiclr
130

r,,

To help my patients understand the idea of

,ritl, "l looked at the lifeline exercise from the point of view of thin$s that would rr';rlly cause me to rethink my life, not just things that made me happy. There's ,,rnething about thinking about how bad things were that helps you realize how
1'rt'at

thinfs can be."

'

I'h

lVttlnvrtt l:tr tor

wffi , llllt'

li'.'littq )irttt t ltriv,,l,iliIt,

'lir begin your cvaluatiott of'your thrive;rhilitv, I sLrfificst you clraw ygrrr lrly
line. Place past and anticipated trauma in your life along the line. 'lhke sonrc lrrrrr. to reflect on the events that seem to be turning points and consci1ru.snes.s (:ro5i
roads. If possible, discuss these turning points
have thrived or

rrriglrt rrry lil'c bc tlil'l't:rcnt rrow il tlurl tr;rtttttirtic IttrttittI poinI lrad never

lr,rppcncdi'

with someone you love who rrr,ry

will thrive through them with you. As you think about events 1r;rl turned your life around, you will probably notice what one of my patients rlirl
she said, "when you said a trauma was anything that caused you to see your rrlr, differently, I put meeting my husband, our wedding, getting my meclical defrr,r., and the birth of our twins on my lifeline. But the more I thought about it, ilrr. more I started putting things like the death of my dad and my mom,s strokr ;rr the really major turning points."
To paraphrase awell-known statement, life's most enlightening turning

. \r't'llrcrc
.

ways in which

seemed

to need this trauma in order grow and

lrct oruc more alive?

\Vlr;rt did the trauma take out of me?

" Wlr;rt did the trauma add to my life?

Wlurt did the trauma add to mv familv's life?

I

p6ills

seem to be the times that try men's and women's souls, the events when our psv chological immune system is put to the test and we are forced to think or sink.

.
.

low were my faith, beliefs, and general life explanatory system affected by my

lr';rttma? Wt:re there ways in which I may have had to have that trauma to teach me how

Sixreen Qte*ions
As you look at your lifeline from the perspective of the above moments .l decision, here are some questions to ask yourself as you consider your turni.g

lo be more alive?
Your answers to the above questions don't matter as much as the mental lrrr)cess of reflecting about these traumatic turning points in your life. To con-

point entries.
o What did

I learn because of this traumatic turning point?

o How was
o How was

I changed emotionally by what happened? I changed mentally by what happened?

spiritually by what happened?

ltrrrplate these questions is to engage in the act of creative construing that is i sse rrtial to thrivingi. Thriving is not coming up with the right answers to life, but lr';rrning to keep asking new questions about living.

Noah's Thrivers

. How was I changed .

How was I changed physically by what happened?

bad came from the trauma?

Although this chapter focuses on helping you assess your own thriving abilrlv, it is important to remember the systems context of thriving. When we feel we ,rrc thrivingi, we may actually be experiencing the growing strength of the entire
,,vstem in which we live. Families, communities, and even nations have the abil-

r What

rlv to thrive. Just as individuals do, countries also come to their own traumatic turning lroints that offer the opportunity for them to raise their consciousness in order lo thrive. One of the thrivers I interviewed provided an example of both the per-

o What good came from the trauma?

.
r

How were those I love affected by what happened? How was my view of family life affected by what happened?

the collective thriving response. She was an 82-year-old Armenian worrran who had suffered from severe diabetes and kidney failure. She was on rlialysis and had had one leg amputated due to a diabetes-related infection. She t'n-rbodied the hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope you will read about in the
r;onal and
1t3

132

I Itr ltt rllnt,rrt I.tr lot'

rrext lirur cllitPte rs ol tltis rttirntt.rl on thrivirrg. Iltrr sr:nsc of'lrcr owrr itlcrrlil\r,rrr,l mental power to employ a constructive, optimi.stic,;rnd creaIivc exr)lirn;rtory s\,:, tem had been strengthened not only by her own life traumas, but by the ;rdvt,rrr

li''/itll )irtr I hrivriltrlit

,,r t{'n{)r'isln cirrr prcvt'rrI ir nrrtiorr

t'

willing to tlrrivc llrrottglt its IrattntaIic turning

ties and resultant diaspora of the people of Armenia. Diaspora occurs when a country's population becomes scatterecl throu{lrorrl the world. Because of the many traumas imposed on Armenia, less than lr;rll ,,1 the Armenian population still lives in their home country. Despite that fact, llrr., woman still felt the pain of her country's many tragic turning points. As a rcsrrll of her enduring identification with her homeland, her fellow Armenians' natiorr,rl

tronl beconring stronger becaLtse ol'its sufl'ering."'l'he thriving of the I'rrrlrtl Sta[cs in the aftermath of one of its most horrible traumatic turninS l,,,lrlls, tlre September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, is also evidence of the dobal the \rrrrtrriirn woman described. Because of the sudden trauma of September 11, pr 'plt' irl'ound the country report re-examiningi their life priorities, treasuring i!ri,rrtnts with their families, and trying to appreciate more the simple pleasures ,,t lrlr,.'l'heyarereflectingonthemeaningof lifeanddeathandtheimportance ''t rroI waiting until something is gone to fully celebrate what they have.
r,,,rrrlr,

thriving had also become a part of her own. She seemed to merge her own sciousness with the collective consciousness of her country.

crrrr

Armenia has been referred to as the "cradle of civilization."l Whether or not llrr, people of Armenia actually share a history with Noah, they have known the stre.ss ,| being threatened by immense natural, political, and military crises that threatent,rl to drown their own culture. The people of Armenia have endured adversity for crrr turies. They have known genocide, religious persecution, the terror of Stalinisrrr, catastrophic earthquakes, and most recently the economic stress of the difficrrll transition from a totalitarian political system to a democratic free-market econon)r( system. According to positive psychologist Meline Karakashian, despite and becausr, of these traumatic turning points, there seems to be a thriving nature to tlrr, Armenian people. I sensed that invincibility in the Armenian woman I interviewctl. Karakashian wrote, "ln the Armenian experience, thriving is achieved througlr individuals' unconscious motivation to progress and make up for the nation's pasl
losses, to defu the odds, and prove to the world that this nation is as permanent irs

t ltr I'ttwer of the Piper

will all face terrible crises in our lives. Because we have been given the i,rll ol life, we must also be willing to accept the challenge of the inevitable crises tlr,rl come with the chaotic nature of living, and some of them may cause us rrr,r;or-leaSue suffering. When your next life trauma comes, where will you start? \\'lr;rl isthedegreeof yourthrivingresourcefromwhichyouwillbegintodeal
Wc ,r'rllr vour adversity? The Thriveability Test offers one way to at least estimate the
,lr'1irce of "thriveability" you

will

be able to draw upon the next time you are faced

ir,rllr a traumatic turning point.

Iiven though I offer you the Thriveability Test, none us may ever truly know llrt' Irue nature and extent of our thriving resources until they are put to their

rrrrsl severe challenge. The best we can hope for is to be able to estimate our ,t;rrting point, and I hope the test may help in that process.

Mount Ararat."2 The Armenian woman revealed this same invincibility. She saitl, "Like my country, I've seen so much suffering. It's been made up of one tragiedv after another with periods in between where I guess God expects me to take it eas1, for a while, enjoy life while I can, and think about what it all means to get ready frrr the next crisis. we Armenians thrive because it is our nature. what you call thriv ing is what we call dobal, which means to become stronger no matter what prob
lems you face. That is me, that is my life, that is my country.,' Individuals thrive because of the four general styles of consciousness yorr will read about in the following chapters and as measured by the test at

I learned more about thriving when I met a member of the New York City l"rrr l)epartment Bagpipers. I heard him talking to someone months after the
,

.llapse of New York City's World Trade Center towers. He was speaking to some

i,rrrsts waiting to go on the same television show on which I had just appeared to ,lrscuss thriving through terrorism. He spoke quickly and with a pronounced ish accent, but I eavesdropped and managed to write down his words. He said, 'I would have never thought I had it in me. You think you're a pretty strong guy, l,rrl then you learn what strength is. I played for three or four funerals for firelr
n

the entl
samc

r('n every day for weeks after the towers went down. I knew most of those guys

of this chapter. countries thrive by the collective manifestation of these

capacities. Through their religious systems, preservation

1,t'rsonally, and we always pipe 'AmazinEi Grace'as the widow and children enter

oftheir languages, arts,

literature, sports, and various forms of cultural networking, they remain con, sciously engaged with and thrive through their traumatic turning points. As it is with the terrors faced by individual thrivers, no catastrophe or threat

llrc church. It breaks your heart every time, but this time it tore my heart out. "The other day, we played for one of our own pipers crushed trying to save peo1

lt in one

rr r L

of the Towers. You think you will never recover from something like that, you play again a few hours later for the next funeral. I guess you have this inner

il( tttiluttl'tll

I,tItl(tl.

li:i/ilq )irrl. l'ltr ivL,il, ilit.t,

'strellgtlr yott lleve r ktlew yOu llatl rrrrl-ilyou rcally lurvc to re ly 0rr it, ancl Ilrirt,s wlrrrr you know how strong you really are ancl that you can cleal with anything.,, Before taking the Thriveability Test, remember that thriving is, a.s [h. h;r1q piper said, actuaily a way of dearing with yourserf and your private though [.s ;rr rrr emotions, not the event itself. once they occur, none of us can change the rr;rrr mas that happen to us, but we can erect to be meaning-makers and assign .rrr own significance to our traumas, what they wilr come to signify for our futurc rr' ing, and what we learn about ourselves from our suffering. on tlrri' ing severalyears ago. She spoke with me after my talk and tearfulry described lrr,r continued agony in dealing with the kidnapping and the endless years of rrrl knowing her daughter's fate. She said, ,,where do you start with something rihr. that? People tell me how heroic it is of me to keep going, but I don,t underst.rrrl what option they think a person has. They ask me how I can be so brave, but not brave' They ask me how I'm dealing with it, and I can,t really explain to therrr 'rrr how I'm really not. Nobody could.I can,t dear with it, but I can try to dealwirrr me and how I feel and think about what happened. "I'm doing my best to dear with my emotions and thoughts. T,hat.s why I canrt, to hear you speak about thriving through crisis. I was angry when I saw the titrr ofyour talk because I thought you meant that you get over it and that what ha, pened was actually a good thing for you. But I hear you saying now that, even if il is something as horrible as having your child suddenly taken from you by sonrc animar, vou sr'r have the ab'itv to keep growing unu e.tt;g you don,l actually get stronger because something terrible happened to you but because how you learned to think and feel about rife and yourserf because it happened. "I see now what you mean by thriving. Just like you said that Beethoven nevcr really accepted his deafness but grew through and because of it, I guess you gr.w because of the new meanings you find in life, not the bad thing itself. That is a verv important distinction to make. when you get hit in the heart rike I was, you finailv ask yourself, ,Where do I go from here?,At least that much is up to vou.,, r)('rsons arotrnd thc worlcl :rrrcl basc thc scuring on their patterns of l"jlr )ns(' ;rs related to interviews I conductecl with many of them. I present it here .,,1 ,rs ir clciinitive way of measuring your thriveability
r

ll)lll)

but

as a

rrrrrr st'lflstudy of the status of your psychological immune system before vou r r'.rrl llrt, rcst of this Thriver,s Manual.

starting point for

interviewed told me of her strugigle to deal with abduction of her daughter. I met the young mother at a lecture I gave

one of the thrivers

rrrr

,lr.rrlllhs rather than vulnerabilities, and most positive psychologists consider llrlrrr lo be major contributors to their emerging science.
l(,b;rsa's research has been in the area of mental hardiness, a kind of stress_ r, 'r'iliult mental toughness. csikszentmihalyi's focus has been on the happiness tlr,rl from a sense of flow or total involvement in life. Antonovsky's work 'r'strlts lr.r'' rlt';rlt with the process of finding a sense of coherence in our lives; a mean_ r',rnprehensibility, and manageability that help us grow through adversity. 'r11. I rrr,rllv, Seligman's writings and research have dealt primarily with how we learn rrr ,Dlirnistic framing of life events, a creative construing of events that leads to ,r psychological upward trajectory. 'rrsistentl! I lrave also used the work of these four psychologists as an outline for

,r'r'r. iilroll the first psychologists to focus their attention on our human

l\"lr,rs;r, Mihaly csikszentmihalyi, Aaron Antonovsky, and Martin E. p. Serigman

I h;rscd each of the foilowing questions on the groundbreaking research of "rrr. rl.the pioneers in the field of positive psychology. suzanne ouellette

r;;;;;..

'l

trtll l)ositive psychologists and their many research colleagues are working hard l',l1';q1'11 about the amazing strength of the human psyche. It is this pioneering of scientists that has established the foundations of positive psychology. "r,,nt) | ;rl.so designed the Thriveability Test based on my own interviews of the rrrt'rtlcihles, the thriving superstars you are reading about. These interviews were

llrrr'cr's Manual. I did so because their concepts of psychological hardiness, rrr..llrl flowing, a sense of coherence, and a generally upward psychorogical trar" lrt|v capture the characteristics ofthe thrivers I studied. All four
ofthese lead-

this

Reliqble Sources
Based on resilience and thriving research and my interviews of my patienr.s and other thrivers, I designed the foilowing Thriveability Test as a toor to herlr those interested in learning more about thelr thriving response and to provide ir source of insight into their "stress stamina.,, I have since given this test to ov.r
136

tlrrorrfh the five

in my clinic at Sinai Hospital, but in many countries where I l.t lrrred on thriving, including Germany, England, Russia, Spain, Itary, Japan, ,rrrl llre Netherlands. I spoke with people from these places about their scores on tlr, 'l'lrriveability Test, the turning points in their lives and their progiression
phases of crisis management.

' "rrtlrrt:ted not only

'l'lre four parts of the test-hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope-constiI r r I t' I lrc cornerstones of the Thriver's Manual. I hope you will take this test before ' , 'rrlirrtrir.rg on in the Thriver's Manual, and once again when you finish this book.

P"

Tnc Eefthlv4"n Fn(tttr

The Thriveability Test

Using the following scale, score yourself on the items below It is imp'rtrrrl to also have someone who knows you very well score you. My research
shows trurl

w
ftf
lf
f

Tating your Thrivcabilitl

- I laugh hard and long more than z0 times

panied by squinting eyes.)

a day, never smirk

and frequently "squile." (A squile is a broad tooth-bearing smile

in disgust,

u.*o'-

many of us either do not know our own strengths or, because of lack of firrl understanding of the principles of the psychological immune system, tend rrr over- or underestimate them.
5 = That's Me Always

, * *
-

I don't compare my ruck or happiness with that of other people.

Total Happiness Score

4 = That's Me Almost Always

3 = That's Me Most of the Time 2 = That's Me Often I = That's Rarely Me 0 = That's Not Me At AII Hardiness
1' I

tleillng I L .-._ I have a strong but adaptable belief system that helps me understand
the evil in the world.

l3 ** I think things happen for a reason and that they work out for the best if
we figure out how to make the best of them.

lll, l'l'
15,

2. 3.

mind and my life philosophy.

will stick with a problem; work it out in my mind, and eas'y change ny

-l much stronger than before.in my life that I have come through being _
easily and openly show my fears and vulnerability and can reach out for help and support when I need it.

have had a major crisis

mentally focus on one thing at a time and never multitask.

-I -

I'm the strong one with the cool head whom everyone turns to when things go
wrong.

I never ask "why me" and

events in my life.

have no resentment for any of the negative

4'

5.

I can telr when its time to just go with the flow and can easily give up try. ing to stay in control.

Total Healing Score

tltqte

see problems as challenges, not threars.

Iti, _
I

I never take things personally and easily forgive others. I don't generalize about people or events.
when something negative is over, it's over. I don't carry not keep revisiting past problems or injustices.
a

Total Hardiness Score

L _ -

Happiness 6' I get so into the flow and invorved in things I enjoy that of myself, where I am, and time.

ll1.
I
lose ail senss
I
|

grudge and do

-_ I am not judgmentar or prejudiced and easily give everyone the benefit

of the doubt.

'

My family thinks I'm a rear joy and great fun to be with

a, the time.

B'

easily put work and family problems out of my mind, don,t ruminatc about them, and easily get absorbed in the task at hand.

'll

-- when it comes to my rife and what has or might happen, I see the grass
as half-full, not half-empty.

-_ Total Hope Score

_ 'lbtal of All your Four Invincibility

138

Scores

r.t9

I Itr ltrtlltovttr

tot

li'rti

tt,rl

\irttr t ltt tvt'tl'tlitt'

lntcrpreI irrI Yorrr'l'lrrivcaltility'lcst Scorc

As stated ahovc, I ll;rvc givcn variurrs lirrrus ol tlre 'l'lrrivc.rbilitv'l'cst lo nrol+ than 1,000 people around the world. Various parts of it havc bccn translirtt'tl irrl,, Japanese, German, and gpani5ft. There was a variance in the.scores ol"irrtlivrtll als in regards to which category or categories were their strongest aspecI ol' llrr rl

ing. For example, some people made up for a comparatively low sc.r. rrr hardiness by a higher score in hope, Thriving is a uniquely individual skill ;rrr,l shows itself in varying ways and with different combinations of the four ftre lrrr,.
of hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope. Here is a scale you can use to get a general idea ofyour level ofthriveabilrtv at ihis time in your life.

lr;rltlittt'ss, llirpPilttrss, lrcllirl[,;rrrtl t,,,1,r Wlr;rl wcrc Vortr str()pll;rreas utt{ wlxrI c;rte[orics 9l'l'er thc ll6ssihility 'rl i, rrunli tttorc ahotlI thrivirrgi' 'l'lrcrc is;rnother way Lo take the'rhriveabitity Test that I have found helpful Answer , rtlr tlrosc I counsel about thriving. 'l'ry taking the test "group style." plenty of time ,.r, lr rlCrrr ()n the testas a groupwithyour family or friends. Spend
,t tlr,.rrrtlrvitlrr;rl l6trr c;rlt'gorics ol llre

trst

lr , rrssrnf each item and come up with a score that you feel collectively reprellrc thriveability of your group as awhole. If you are married, score the test "intimate , , ,r lwosome and determine your marital thriveability, a factor I called
, rrt:,

,"i'rrrt'iltilitl'."
'l'lrc idea of learning from the inventory is to talk about and learn more about rlrrrvirrf, not to compete for the highest score. And remember, no matter what

90*100 = Thriving flourishing) 80-89 = Resilient (in recouerg) 60-79 = Surviving (languishing) 59*50 = Suffering (in uictim mocle) 49 and below = Kindling (worsening gour problems)
Remember, you have a strong psychological immune system and y<_rur <-rwrr unique way of thrivin, so this test is only intended to cause you to reflect on how

first of all do nothing at all. Let the meaning of the score sink in and ,,,,1 rt{'lect on it occasionally for a while. You may notice that, over time ,,rtlr.rrt cloing much at all, just becoming aware of the components of the thrivilrl, t.r:sponse might raise your score and make it a little easier for you to come
rrrr scorf is,

llrrorrflh your next major turning point with an upward psychological trajectory.

t'lvhtingReminder List

you have or will deal with the turning points in your life. If the score you gav(. yourself is lower than you think it should be, be sure to have someone who knows you well score you. If that score is comparable to your own low scoring, chanccs
are it's accurate. If that person scores you higher, you are probably being too hartl

llased on the research that was the basis of the Thriveability Test, here is a power of the psytr.,l of the traits of those people who have learned to tap into the ,lrological immune system to maximize their thriving. You have all of the folt,

on yourself. If that person scores you significantly lower than you did yoursclt, you may not be thinkin hard enough about how you are thinking. After one wili.
had scored her husband 40 points lower than he did himself, she said, "That's trrt,

problem. I don't think he's conscious enough to know how unconscious he is." Thriving requires hard rnsnhl work and vigilance for what we are putting on oLrr mind.
Your actual score 0n the Thriveability Test means much less than your will ingness to learn about thriving and its potential in your life and the life of thost' you love' If you scored lower than you thought you would on the test and becamt, angry, challenged the test, or even ridiculed it, chances are that your low score was accurate. If you laughed and took a low score as a challenge and with the icle;r

thriving talents, but you may not be using them to their fullest. I You will read about each of these traits in the following four chapters, but your a read as utigest you copy them down and keep them close at hand as rr,rrrinder and just in case you need them when your turnin$ point and moment the ,,1 tlecision come up. Next to each trait, I have placed a quote from one of
ir,virr

llrrivers that illustrates the nature ofthe thriving response'

I

wclve Thriver's Traits

llrrrdiness

I
i

()hallenged-"Things happen for a reason, but it's up to us to figure out the

rcason."

that you can think in new ways that might improve it, your psychological immune system is stronger than you think and ready to work for you. No matter what your total score, it is importanl to look at your score on eacl'r
140

tlommitted-(rl)11 in this for the long haul and will never $ive up."

141

The Beetlxnen f:artor

w
i
orr

3.

controlled-"1'll either deal with this or know when to give up and move

Happiness 4. Selfless-"I'11 just lose myself in what I'm doing." 5. Involved-"I get really absorbed and lost in what I'm doing.,, 6. Free-"sometimes I get so enthralled in something that I lose all sense of tlm: and place."

Healing
7.

$ I|ardiness through the

is

Hqrd Times

Integrator-"lt

just going to take some time to figure this out.',

8. Meaning-Maker-"I'll make sense of this in mv own wav.,' "all su.feringprepares the slulfor vision." 9.

Manager-"I always know that somehow I'll come up with a way to deal wlth whatever is getting to me. I just have to take some time to figure things out,,,
Att I:rttotional
every.

-MartinBuber

Hope
10.

Audit

Externalizer-"Life is rough for everyone. I don't have any problems

one else doesn't have."

I had just received the news I was dying of cancer, I walked rlrrwlv and dejectedly to our mailbox. I felt lost and helpless, so it seemed that
'l'lrc afternoon
laklrrg my daily ritual of a walk for the mail was at least a small step to regaining .nnlc $e nse of order in the chaos into which my life had been cast. I was living in

11.

Calm-"All

bad things must come to an end."

12. Contained-"One bad apple does not spoil the bunch.,, By reviewing these characteristics of thriving, looking for them in your own

lllr lri[an at the time, and the beautiful bright spring day seemed in harsh connrl I I my dark mood. It was Good Friday, and the meaning of that day and signs lf rrllrrre's awakening all around me made me feel isolated from the universal r.elehrirlion of new life. Everything seemed to be coming to life just when I was lrrrlrrtrl nrine, but I was in for an awakenin$ I did not anticipate. As I walked up the loni driveway from our home, I noticed all the buds on the lr cu,i re lrdy to burst forth with new life, the healthy kind of growth that contrasted ru,lllr llrc toxic growth of cells going on in my own body. I could smell the wet freshIrerr ol' the just-past thaw, and when I heard the birds chirping and saw several rllrtrrs building nests, I could walk no further. I began to cry in envy of their new hrrHtnnillgs all around me when it seemed that I was facing my painful end. I sat
Ir
r

and others'lives, and in the stories ofthe invincibles you have been reading, you may find that your own thriving threshold may become lowered simply becaurp you have become more conscious of what it takes to thrive.

,lrr\\,rt rrlt one

142

&

of the large boulders that lined our drive, butthe ache of the cancer Fdltlg itway at my hips caused me to jump up and groan. I wiped the tears from my ct,sr nrrd while trying to shut out the energy of spring, I proceeded to the mailbox.

143

I lt( llt tlltttt,t'n l.ttt tttt Al'tcr ptrllirrg a stat:k ol'ctrvclopt:s l.rottr Ilrc box, I lrr:g:rrr

w3

lrlililr'r.i tltowh

ilr I ItrJ I'inr;

rlv slow w;rlk

tL,u,rr

the tree-lined drive back to tny home. In an cl'lirrt to distr;rct rrysell l'rorrr llrr sounds, sights, and smells of spring, I began [o sort through the envclorrt',, noticed an enveloped marked "Urgent. Internal Revenue Senrice." I openctl rl ,r, I walked, but stopped suddenly when I read the words. "you have been sclt,r 1,.,1
for a random compliance audit of all of your State and Federal tax records li rr I lrr previous three years." As I placed the notice back in its envelope, I began to l;rrrl1lr harder than I had for months. After having just received the devastating news of my cancer, I was amust'tl ,ri the irony of the notice's words "not to be alarmed or concerned in any way." 'l lrr notice said that all my prior tax fillings were "entirely in order and appropria[c," lrril

,,! 1r1rv lili,, hrrt sourrtlrirr{allorrl tlrc tirrrirr[ol'tltc ahsttrtlitics, cotttrasls, attd rirtrr',,o1 llrirl Ir;rutttaticsltrittgdayscetlrcdtttcattsclnctomakeupmymindto

.r

witlt ottr crisis in a more constructive manner. i . I tliscOvcrcd in my interviews of thrivers, there came a time in my coping ri i r r,rr rr t,r l lrll l lrad to make up my mind about how l would deal with my adver,

rrrll

rlr'irl

\ r r1r

llrrl in chapter

9 about the points of decision in the crisis chain reaction,

le tter had seemed to help me in a most peculiar way to tealize such a ',lr1t,llow, ,',t it caused me to reflect more deeply on my feelings and thouhts .r ,,rt nry lr;rurna rather than give in to reactingi helplessly to it. In the form of a , ,, ,, ly lirrred cosmic joke, I became aware that it was time for me to do a seri-

,, i f lri. ll(S

that a few tarpayers from every state were being randomly selected by a s,r

r,rl

Security number lottery draw for "an extraordinarily thorough and completc lol,rl audit and review of all related files and documents." I had apparently "won" thc I l{i, lottery and been selected for its rare if dubious honor on the very day I was toltl tlr,rl I had contracted an extremely rare type of cancer that randomly and sucltft,rrlr,
strikes younEi and healthy people at the prime of their lives. I thought, "How biz;rr r , I have never won a thing, but today I'm two for two in having my number comc ull

iottll audit of my own way of thinkin$ about my predicament' nr.,,1tsg <lf my slow and sick stroll to the mailbox and the contrasts and . ,rrrr ,, rl lrr0uplht to my mind, everythinS that was happening to me seemed to i,,rr ,lrlllrllV from an insurmountable problem to an immensely difficult chal, rlrr lt w;rs as if the cosmos was tapping on my shoulder to tell me to pay atteni,,rr ,rn(l llct the point that life is full of chaos and pain, but also continued . I r rlrrt's ;tnd challenges in discovering new beginnin$s.
, || r
rl
r

,,

when I entered our home, my wife saw me laughing. while my famiry rr,rrl tried their best not to cry in front of me that bad Good Friday, her eyes anil llr, eyes of my two sons eyes were red from sobbing. she looked at me as if I lr,rrl finally given in or even lost my mind. "what in the world is so funny?" she ask.rl, as if hoping that I had brought news from the mailbox that my cancerwas irll;r terrible mistake. My answer revealed a hardiness that I never knew I had, thc lr,rr
diness that is one of the four crucial components of thriving through crisis.

,
r

olt, about my Good Friday emotional audit in a journal I kept about what ,lt, rl llrt,"cancering phase of my life." I reflected on the many meaninSs regard.,; ,rrilr,rin1l and rebirth that are represented by Good Friday as I wrote, "This ., , , r L ,rf llte same time to be the best and worst of my 47 Good Fridays. This one
I

rl

,
,

rr,rtlt' lue more afraid than I have ever been, but also more awake. I am sicker,

"We're in luck," random audit."

said. "We won the IRS lotterv. We've been selectecl lirr

,r

"You think that's funny, Dad?'asked my son Scott, who also seemed surc trr,, father had been pushed over the emotional edge by the barrage ofbad news. "y.q

in more pain than I fear I can bear for much longer. I can either $ive it. I can engage and embrace this time of my life. What , , 1r.11rpt'tted to me is not my choice. What I will make of it must be'" \', I s;rt with my family on the warm spring Good Friday, I made up my mind , ilL r\\, llrc fresh new energy of spring all around me to revive my spirit and "re.,i.!,!l nr ;rwaken my consciousness to grapple with the strangie synchronicity of 1i,, ,lr,rr1n()sis of my cancer juxtaposed with a sacred day and the comparably silly
,1,, r, .rrrcl

,, r,, tlrrs crisis or get into

son, I do," answered. "This whole day is funny in away. I keep getting! batl rrr,u'r on Good Friday. come and sit down with me and I'll tell you why I'm laughirrp. Scott, my older son Roger, and my wife, Celest, sat with me on the deck,vt,r looking an acre of grass that seemed to be getting greener by the rninute lrorrr the energy of the spring sun. Because my hips had become so sore from my w;rlh, my wife had to help me sit down in one of the chairs.

ri: , irtrlrl. lt all seemed to be an introspective-inspiring example of the necessary il 1r,r1r w must suffer for the privilege of being alive in a world that itself is ,, t,rrrtlV dying and being reborn. I had left for the mailbox as a weak and vul-

,,.,

,1,1. rrrirn,

but returned a hardier soul,

I told my family thal

lrrr

some reason I did not yet fully understand, the IRS letter had been a strange kirrrl of turning point that caused me to feel energized and to put my problems irr,r

,tr

,,ll through the Stnges of Trauma

different perspective. I still felt sick, weak, and more frightened than I had t,vr,r
144

\\lrr.rr I was told I would likely die, I became as angry and resentful as I was 1:irll nt,rl. I became a "kindler" by fueling the fire of my predicament with emotions
145

I ltL llrslllPY,11

rt
1:n,1u,

I Itrlittt:, lln

ou.t,lt

lltt

!lurl l rtttr.:

tltirt orrly lt)ade ltrallcrs worsc lirr rrry lanrily iutcl nl(,. I hlarrrrcl ckrctors lirr rrol lirrrl ing my cancer earlier before it had gone to S[rge lV, sltrcad llrrougheut rny crrlrrr,
body, and began to eat away my bones. I was resentful clf those who seemed to bc vio

, ,l ,lr,rr,rr'lt,ristics ol tlrrivirrl Io lle discrrsst:tl irr tlris'l'ltrivcr's Mattturl, ollr psyi,,'l,r1iit;rl irnrtrrutrsvstcttt'scap;rcity[okce1tttsmetttallyhardyatlife'snlostdifii, rrll ltttrt'S,

lating all the health rules I had always followed but did not have cancer. I thriuglrt I tried to be a good person who did not deserve what was happening to me and inrrrr,r turely thought of others who it seemed should be more deserving of cancer tharr l.
By the time I took my trip to the mailbox, I walked as a victim. I felt pity ftrr

/rr',, /( rlls-nut Not Always

my family and myself and focused on my suffering. I felt jealous of springtirrr. and all it could mean for those who were not suffering as I was. I saw the rrt,r.r, life all around me as reminders of my final spring rather than invitations l, come to back to life. I was even jealous of the trees and flowers for their oppor tunity to be reborn and the birds for their joyful chirping for their new bef irr
ninpis. because of the springs

r rt't,r'n\ to us. It is not the result of good luck or stron$

i,, ',r'

ll,rrrliness is a matter of consciousness. It's how we elect to process what $enes but of learning
lo ;rssiflfl our own meaning to whatever happens to us. Put simply, hardiness
rip your mind to figure out ways to thrive through stress.

',ri,r[irrf

until I realized that I was forgetting to celebrate the spring I was in, I crit,rl I thought I would no longer see. Until I realized thal could choose to remember and relish the seasons I had experienced in ways
I I

:iuziurne Ouellette Kobasa has spent years studying the effects ofstress. At a ,i,,,, \vlrcn her colleagues were identifying stress as a key agent in disease, she r , ,l nong the first to look at what Louis Pasteur called the terrain. She did not

,,,,t,| llrc idea the stress invariably makes us sick, and su$$ested that how we rt,,rlilrl ;rbout life and its challenges was as important as what happened to us,
,lr, llrorrfht that a civilization smart enough to create the complex world that rrr ',r,('s us so must have people smart enough to deal with the stress in a lifeiilr,rrrr'tttf
WQr.

never did before, I felt sorry for myself that I would never again be able to smcll the burning leaves of fall, feel the cool wetness of snowflakes on my cheek, or hear the insects singing on a warm summer night.
By the time I began my walk back down our long driveway with the IRS lcl

lrr ir series of groundbreaking studies conducted

,r

in the mid

1970s that

!,, 11,,'tl rstablish the new field of positive psychology, Kobasa and her colleapiues

ter in hand, my consciousness had changed. I had become distracted from rrrv suffering just longi enough to start thinking about where my tax records were arrtl how I could help my family find them and, if they had to, face the audit withorrl me. when I felt that I had to survive long enough to not let my family down, went from worsening my problem, suffering as victim of it, to being concern(,rl
I

tlrt Universityof Chicagofirstpresentedtheirconceptof hardiness.Atatime lrr'n sr) rrao! of her pathogenically oriented collea$ues were proving again and

about surviving.

,r',rrr ltow vulnerable we are to the pressures in our lives, she was studyin$ our ,, ,trrrirl capacity to thrive because of them. l(obasa defines hardiness as "a set of beliefs about oneself, the world, and i,,,rr' llrey interact. It takes shape as a sense of personal commitment to what you

when I entered my home laughing, I had recovered enough to talk with rrry family not as a victim or survivor but as someone intent on recoveringi and jtrsl maybe, thriving through this terrible time in my life. I was still dying, but I frll
more resilient and alive than before I had begun my walk. Something about tlrt, insistence of spring and the realities, responsibilities, and challenges of living irr the often absurd world as represented by the IRS letter seemed to boost my psy
chological immune system.

,,, rloing, a sense of control over your life, and a feeling of challenge."'These iirrlr' (l's of commitment, control, and chailenge have been known for years by ', ,,,rrchers in positive psychology, but in the context of human thriving, they
,,

crisis coping is circular, not linear or hierarchical. Like other thriver.s have interviewed, I would recycle countless times through the kindling, suffcr ing, surviving, recovery, and thriving phases of coping with my trauma, but made up my mind to keep the general trajectory of my consciousness spiralinll
upward. one reason for my awakening was the power of the first of the four gerr

lssnt much more than a simplistic formula for coping with stress. They serve , ,r lcrnpiate for a highly adaptive and hardy consciousness. I went through the "three C's of hardiness" several times during my bout t l r t ;rncer, and I learned that the hardiness of the thriving response is not a goal i',rt ,r lifelong process. Our hardiness cannot be judged based on conquerin$ a 1'r,rlrlr'r)1 or survivingi a serious illness. It is rnost accurately viewed as what we
t,r
r

l,'r )sr to put on our minds when we are going through adversity. Sornetimes I saw my pain as a challengie, but I would often relapse, trying to ,, I rr il or even feeling like surrendering to it by dying just to escape it. I remained
,

tt6

147

I It( lit I lltttt't'tt I

tlt

lil

I ltrliur.;

tlu,ttr1,,h

th

Iu

J l irttts

,\

collllllill('(l llot .itrsl {o sl;ryirrg irlive brrt ;rlso Io rrry lirrrily;rnd to coltiltli11 lr, leanr through rny cxpericncc. Sonretimes when lwas aI my physically we;rkr,:l that commitment wavered and the mental effort did not seem worth it..l.lrr,r, were times that I felt in control of my destiny, but other times I felt totallv yr,
timized and helpless.

,,, l., 1rl nrt'1loirrf. I grrtss I did it lilr tlrt'kicls. I w;rs re;rllV ctlrrrrrtittcd to retltltitr,,,1' I tl()o(l 1r;rrcttl lirr thcrn. A[[cr fccling dellressed, I sort of got pissed ofT and

,,,'l

rr,lr,rl

lrirppcpcdtgrneasachallengetobeagreatparentandhavea$oodlife

r. l,rlr wlr;rI happened. I remember feeling getting back in control again. It , .u l {;rsv, llut we made it."
| ,r:,lit'd her to reflect back on what she had just told me and to try to iden-

I learned through the evolving and continuing process of hardiness th;rl, rl we are patient, remain engaged with our adversity no matter how temptinll rl is to give in, and remember that the meaning we give to what is happening rr, us is the fuel for our psychological immune system, that system seldom l;rrl,;
us.

,,r IIrrt'rrl;rlysl.,thestimulusthatwouldchangeherfromreactin$andsurviving , I r.r (' hardy orientation to her life. Without pause, she said, "lt was always
rr

AHardiness Imprint
one of my thriving patients was diagnosed with leukemia. she descrihr,rl herself as having been a very "resilient and hardy person,,, but she was havirrrl
trouble dealing with the stressful ups and downs of her physical and mental corr dition. She came to our clinic for help for what she called her ,,terrible mo,rl
swings in reaction to the good news and bad news times." The course of leukerrri,r can be charted by counting the patient's red blood cells. The more red blood cells,

,, llrr' liicls. No doubt about it, but they're pretty much grown up now and they I rrt'cd me like they did before." I didn't respond and just waited for her to guess you '.,,,rr,ir(l('r what she had just said. "Oh, I get it," she said smiling. "l ,t,,ril' Islrouldbethinkingaboutthekidsandtheirwelfare."Myanswersurprised
i,,rr

!,,r

'No, not really," I said. "I think you will find it helpful to reflect on how you r, it ,rl llre times when you were the hardiest, and for you it seemed to be when ,,rr llrotrflht about your children and their needs. To remain hardy through the ,r1, ,11111 downs of your cancer, you will have to trust in your psychological

the more vigorously the body is fighting against the cancer. Her treatment to'h place over several years, and she had finally become extremely frightened arrtl

the swings in her blood count. she said, "l'm terrorized ever] trrrrr, the doctor's office calls. I feel totally out of contror. I vacillate from thinking I'rrr
depressed by

i!,.runr: system. To help it along, you will have to remember how you felt, what ,',r \\/('rc thinking, and the meanings of life that tended to make you feel the r,irrlr{st. Don't think about events or other people, think about how you were i | rr rh i rrf at times when you felt your hardiest." ' \s I continued my invitation to find her hardiness imprint, she said, tlr.rt's tough, because I'm an up and down kind of gal. I'm hardy one day and

going to die to

thinking that I'm going to live, but the swings are exhausting nrr, I've got to get some control over this because it's ruining whatever life I hav.
left.

"
The words of this cancer patient reflect her innate mental hardiness. Inste;rtl

of surrendering to whatever prognosis was given her and remaining captive her latest laboratory results, she was seeking ways to control her situation. I dis
cussed

l,

,,rl' lhe next." I answered, "Thriving is a little like riding a roller coaster' You r ,,t lrirve to make up your mind to get on for the ride, and once you do you , rrr',1 stay on and ride the ups and downs. Don't $et down on yourself at the ,i,,rvn tirnS. Go ahead and be sad and worried, but remember that your psyl,,,logical immune system will see to it that you will always have your up
i

i!il(

:;.

with her the hardiness research from positive psychology, and we lookt,rl together for examples in her life when she had felt the commitment, challengt.,
and control she now longed for.

In working with patients to awaken their natural resilience, I have founcl il helpful for them to match the research on hardiness with their own ,,hardincss memon, imprint," a time in their lives where they or someone close to
therrr seemed

to have experienced Kobasa's three C's of hardiness. After thinkirrrt

"l
guess the closest I can come to being hardy was when my hrrs

awhile, she said,

band cheated on me

and left me and the kids. I was devastated, but something

irr

'l'hriving is learning through hardship and not necessarily always overcom,, ,1 rI. lt'S not always getting better but always doing better no matter what hapr,, r',. Your kids mattered most to you when things were the toughest for you, so ',,r lound your hardiness by thinking like a lovin$ parent. That was where you r,',rrrrl hardiness and your sense of commitment, challenge, and your desire to r r|'r' control. Maybe they need you in a different way now maybe someone else rr, r'tls !ou, or maybe you have different needs. Maybe the meaning you gave to ,,r r I ife then has changed, but the point is to look back at how you felt when you r, lt lrrrrdy and ready to deal with your problem. Try to retrieve that feeling now,
r

148

149

lrL

ltttllnytrr I tt lot

! ln'Jinrs:

throrry,,h

tlr I Iul'l'ittrL,

within

you." sl,l 11 l!

,r

We talkd for several more minutes and after a long, quit pause shr

r','
r

",,l

,r rolc irr hcr hcalth, but th immunc syslcm is also enhancd by the har,

rD)rlxrrcnt ofthriving.

denly exclaimed, "I needme!I know thekids still love me, my husband necds rr', but I need me. I missed out on a lot and I want to experience more of lif. I w! to commit to holding on to my life. I want to beat this thing for aj lon as I (,'|l and I want to be in control, not just reacting to the latest blood test. I want t( )

/r, I

LUllhrcSS

0f

llb

ll,rili||ess does not mean being emotionally pedect and balanced at all
,,
'
,

hardy for me for a

rr-r tr| ll* x. xi[ how she was doing on the three Cs of commitment, challenge, and control. Str answered, "That's a great ida, but if I'm going to be the one in control, I th r[ I should get th rsults, not operithem, call you and make my guss and lll111 talk about them." Her hardiness was already showing, and w agreed on lrir terms. Over the next several years, her medical test results varied greatly. lll1 guesses were almost always accurate, and sh said sh could correlate thm wit|| the degree to which she "felt hardy." Sh said she 'was "more right on" when rr could conshue what was happening to hr to qeate a sense of challenge, co||r mitment and control. Her second marriage had also failed and dudng that ti r'. her rcd blood cell count went significantly down. When sh rbounded and b{i1| a new career as a legal assistant, her count went up. Then something surpds ir{ happened.
I sulflested to her that we conduct an experimnt to see how her hard ir progrcssing.I was askd ifshewould agree to have her bloodtest results sn| me atthe clinic ovr the next year I suggested that instead ofjust rcivin{ results, I would talk vrith her oncologist and call her when th rsults cl Instead of giving her the count, I would first ask her to guss at it. I would
ir

change."

,.
,
| |
r

n irl|,I haydy offe$ no guarantee of {yeedom from suffering. Hardy popl

,.s1 v( ry difficult lives, but they seem to find th patience to be able to take | I !|r( k' find maning and a source of growth through thir stress regard,,,ttlxdegreeofthiradversity.Hardinessisawayofthinkingaboutlife,not ,, rrrlt(nrcable emotional state guaranteing a stressjree life. h hdco-Christian thinking, the story of Job teaches lessons about hardi,- li)h was leading a healthy, \,onderful, bountiful life-then suddenly, everyL, ,, ( |n rlged. Job \dent from beinll on top of the world to suffering from a ' r ,,r,trrl. disfiguring diseaie. His walth quickly evaporated and worst of all, he ,. r lrr, seven sons. Through it all, however, his enduring patience and unshak,rl, l.rilh carried him through. Nothing that happened to him changd how

!|

'

i,,,'\
r
L
l, ,l

sl

',,1'i. r" ,lllr. lle woke up one morning v'dth no leeling on his left side, and today is r', l v to be alive. He suffered a severe strck that makes it difficult for him to
'

or how he thought about the meaning of life, Perhaps the patience fi also be sen as the hardiness of Job. ' 'uld t )r r' of my hardy and thriving patients was a highly successful investmnt lle owned homes in three countries and a yacht, and enjoyd perfect

l|ll

tvas

lh .

urd his speech is slow and labored. He heard my lectur about the lessons

,,,r tlre story ofJob as thy relate to rmaining hardy and rsilint.
I lt saitl, "It's funny that Job and the word 'job' are spelled the same. You have ,,,rlizc that life is always a job even when it seems so easy. l try now never to '.' i ,l , I lrt, 'bear market' times in my life for granted. That's when you have to heav,l rrrvt's[ your emotional capital and build up your spiritual equity. It's the same 1' rrrr r1)lc as the stock market. It's easy when it's up. The challenge and the even r ! r I r |rr lirr me is when it was down. That's when what you call hardiness is really

Her oldest daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer and her own blootl count went significantly up. I asked why she thought this was the case wlrt.rr the stress of the news of her daugihter's illness had been so devastating for lrt,r She answered immediately, "That's a no-brainer. When Sally found out aboul

her breast cancer, I went right into my hardiness mode. I wasn't Eioin to lr,l it take her. I was committed to helping her and we worked together to t;rlir, control of her treatment. we called around the country for the best advice arrrl looked into alternative treatments. I never felt sadder. but I never li,ll
stronSer."

I,

|r'r1."

As of this writing, my patient is still doing fine and her leukemia lr;r:r remained in remission. After three years, her blood count has stabilized withirr ,r
more narrow range. No doubt Eiood medical care, a skilled and sensitive oncoto

,\rrother of my hardy patients illustrates the many faces of hardiness. She l', rrt'rrced three bouts of breast cancer. She was far from the quiet, reserved 1,r r',r)n w might think of as having the patience of Job. She had been a highly !,,1'r r'ssive, ornery, competitive, cynical woman who considered her success as a ,,llir',rrc salesDerson to be due to her drive and what she called her "take no

150

151

I lti llttlltoytrt I tr lot

*t

Itrlittt;:

lltntr.r',lr tlrr

ltnl l itttt'

'!

prisotters" attilttclc. I spokc with lrcr ntirrty (irrcs rlrrrirrg lrtrr vtrriorrs Ireatrrrt,rrl',, and she knew I was rcsearching a book on thc hardiness and the thrivirrg c;rp,rr ity of the human spirit. She had struggled through years of chemotherapy ;rrrrl
surSleries, and was known as one of the most

!!,,,r,rlzr, llrcir 1,wrr lrirrtlilt:ss"'l'ltr rrrorr scvt:rt';ttttl rt'1ttt;tlt:tl Ilttir Irirttrttlrs, Iltt' ,ir,'rr'lntl)itti('ttI artd tvclt iltttlleralt[ [llesc tltriVcrs sctttl to llecotttc witlt tlltlsc

difficult patients on the cancer rrrul.

takin[ tlreir g00d luck lirr granted.'l'hey can become very impai,, rrt nritlr t)crsons, likc the woman distressed in her search for chicken broth,
tr r,rIt)(.irt to bc

earning the nickname "Ms. Grinch."

thriving and hardiness nl nry book. In her typical challenging way, she said, "l'11 bet you'll never put my worrl,,

She wanted me to be sure I included her view of

i,,, r ontlrllil-l about comparatively small concerns' | )nt, I rf' r]ly patients had gone through a series of miscarriages' She was emoi,,,rr,rll\r crushed when she was eventually told she would never be able to carry a t,rlrl lo trr.rr. She hacl grown stron$er through each disappointment and even at If I hear another woman I I ri n(,ws of her sterility, but said, "I can't help myself. ,,rrr1rl;rirritrg about their kids, I'm $oing to throw up' I'd give anythin$ to have

in there. You probably want stories of people who were strong and hardy sorrl,, transformed by their cancer to become kinder, more loving people who cherislr
every moment. Well, that's crap. I really hate those stories of the ungrateful, murrr person who got cancer, sur",rived, and was transformed to became a whole new l)(,1 son who loved every moment of living. I don't buy it. I'm exactly the same pairr
rrr

ii!,

the ass I was before I had cancer. I wasn't transformed by it, I transformed it. "Cancer didn't change my life. I was strong enough to go through it and sl;ry

t,r{)l)lcms they think they have." for r\rrotlrer one of my hardy patients described her increasing intolerance rlr,,,,r.wlto seem to take their good fortune for granted. she was a Vietnamese

who I am and see life myway. I certainly didn't embrace my cancer. I hated il. I was a miserable personwhen I hurt. I'll never be one of those quiet, gentle pt,rr

their three children in ,,rr,. tt,r.r-ible night. Her son-in-law had worked late on christmas Eve and was young ,,,l,lrr,tl rrrrd murdered while walking home to celebrate Christmas with his
,,rrr,rn who had lost her daughteE her son-in-iaw, and
r

ple strumming their guitar and singing while they die. I'm going to shorrl, scream, and holler. It's my death. I'll die my way, thank you. I'll bet you'll ncvlr
write that
a

his ,rrrrl\r.'l'he three robbers took his keys and, using his driver's license to find

ve4r hardy person can be bitchy and not just blissful. I don't have

I lrr,

to his home, raped and killed his wife, and murdered their three sat , Lrltlr.r,rr. They opened and stole the christmas ifts and, before they left,
r,trlr{,ss. went

patience of Job, but I've got his guts."

I understood this uniquely hardy woman's views very well. When I almosl died from cancer, I never felt I became a "whole new person" because of my expt,
rience. Any hardiness
same person

,t(,\\,il to eat the family's holiday dinner. This frail old woman who barely spoke | ,r1,lrslr had received a call on Christmas Eve that is almost beyond comprehen-

I showed was related to my efforts to try to remain tlrc had always been and protecting the continuity of my identity. I

homei1, horror. She had already suffered terribly for years in her own and then lost | ,rr,l, lrelped her family build a new and successful life in America,

Irrl

111

i'r'rvone she loved.

struggled to remain who

I was and to

keep finding meaning

in life my

w;rv

through my eyes, and I refused to let cancer dominate my consciousness. I saw many other cancer patients doing the same thing, and I do not remenl
ber seeing any who said they were completely transformed by their suffering. Thr,v learned more about themselves because of it, but hardiness is not about abandon ing an old identity for a new one. It is maintaining a consistent sense of who we ;rlr. no matter what happens to us. As one of my fellow patients said, "I don't want to lrr, transformed by my cancer. I want to stay who I've always been despite my cancer."

l)cspite her suffering, the quiet vietnamese woman still remained calm, seen inlzzie.l | ,rr1,lred often, and showed the same kind of thriving spirit I had fellow patient in the rrr.\,r,r. Si.rw her angry or impatient until one evenin$ when a pending r.rrlirrfl room had been crying and complainingi about his wife, their ,trr,or(', and how his wife had failed to understand his needs and love him the she was shak,,.,r, lrc wanted to be loved. By the time she came into my office, rrrl,irlld I could see rage in her eyes. "That terrible man," she said. "T hate him.
is wastins his wonderful life. He has healthy children, a chance at $randyet , trrltlrcn, and still he complains. Most of his problems are of his own makin$' It raises such tr,. rs crying out there as hard as I cried when they killed my family. is so weak with no ,rr1lt,r in my heart that I do not want there, but it is there. He
r

r,

Thriver

lntolerqnce

Another important point about hardiness became clear as I talked to hurr dreds of thrivers. Persons who have grown through severe trauma, particularlv serial trauma, often feel and occasionally show impatience with those who fail lo
152

',

,t:,Oll."

I told thrivers like the woman above that some discomfort with those who l ,rvt, not yetrealizerltheir thriveability seems to be a side effect of stress-induced

I lti llt tlltot't'tt ltilt lnt

t*
tlrorr,

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llmwh llrr Iltnl 'l'itttts

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it tttorc atttltcntic kirrd ol lil'c lrrll ol'irltprcciatiorr lirr

things so rnany others may take for granted. l,)ventually our thriving clrr lr,, stopped if we fail to realize that thriving is like any other human [:rlt,rrl
Some realize, treasure, and develop it, while others may never fully re;rrizr, they have it. To keep enhancing our thriveability, we must avoid as muc:lr ;rr

rr'rrrlrt'iutl l)r()tcctloll ag;rittst tltc itttllacl ol strsss oll otlr plrysical ltcaltlt'" lltlrc ir r ll5l sotttc ol' l-hc l'indinfs ahout stress bul'ferirtg' lif'e events A strrcly of 157 attorneys showed no correlation between stressful physical ,,r,1 r,lrvsical illness. lt founcl instead a powerful correlation between in assigning ti,.ritlr rrrrcl attitudes anil beliefs that reflected the hardy perspective

possible getting into a mental thriving contest. we maintain our own thriv ing momentum and hardiness if we use what seems to be the unapprc(.r,l

!,,,ililnf t0 life's

tive nature of others to remind us to appreciate our lives even more. ll'r,r'r. hope to thrive, we also must thrive through our experiences with tho.se wrr,, don't.

challen$es. Another positive psychology study looked at 100 amount of stress in their lives' i, ,,|{.(.ology outpatients who reported a si$nificant sick' but posir , |),rllrogenic psycholoEiy would expect, 60 of the women became percent who remained lr\.,, l)svchology researchers wefe interested in the 40 being L,,rltlrV. 'fhe women who stayed well showed Kobasa's hardiness traits of
,,,, r1llrlly challenged, committed, and

with those who have known severe tragedy, I hirvt, detected various levels of underlying resentment for those who fail to re lislr their lives. I try to help them realize their anger and see that suffering ir always relative. I explain that hardiness cannot be measured by the maEinitrrrlr, of the trauma but by the content of one's consciousness. I warn them (lr;rl their hardiness can help diminish anger's sometimes subtle but still damagirrg effects on both their physiological and psychologiical immune systems, rrrrl that their lingering resentment can eventually weaken their own psychoirrr
munity.
To mistake hardiness for the absence of negative feelings or resentment is lo

Based on my interviews

in control'

group of259 executives lrr another positive psychology study ofhardiness, a ,,,.r., l()llowecl for five years. Those who possessed the hardiness triad had stronger
1'tr1",rt.irl

immune systems and had only half of the illness experienced by the

who did not have these traits'3 us what is the nature of a hardy consciousness? How does it help buffer think hardy ,,r,rilrst the toxicity of our increasingly stressful lives? How do the to these quesanswers The thrive? rtr,rt ;rllows them to be so resilient and even !r,,n:, ;rre the focus of the remainder of this chapter'
.! ( utives

fail to appreciate the unique kind of strength that comes with hardiness. onc ,l my fellow cancer patients was an often gruff former police officer. Even thorrrllr he did not survive his cancer, he showed the sense of challenge, commitmerrl, and control of hardiness throughout his last days. He said, "l think I kind of gr.l a kick out of getting pissed off at the doctors around here. I feel in some ways ht'l ter at living my life than they are. The difference between me and them is thrrl I know I'm dying and they don't know they're barely alive. They are so consunrctl

t lrt Nature of Hardrness

of the studlere is a list of the hardiness factors that emerge from a review showed Kobasa's harr, ,. ol hardy people and my own interviews of thrivers who
I

,lrrrr,ss factors. Different researchers

rr,rrrre s

in

positive psychology assi$n different

a

to these factors, but their findings confirm

very similar configuration of

, I r,rrdy consciousness'

with their little battles and bullshit that they're forgetting to live. I'm in the b;rl tle for my life and they're busy battling their lives. As weak and sick as I am, I li,r,l
so much stronger than they are."

to thrive I Ntnnarental Hardiness Role Model: Most hardy people who mana$e lives who llrr0ugh adversity report having one very influential adult in their of hardiness. while it is obvious that having one or two 1'r ovided a role model it comes to being a hardy adult, research I rtr rcly parents is a big advantaSie when

Stress BulJers

Although a good attitude cannot turn water to wine, research in the hartli ness component of thriving shows that there is a "stress-buffering effect" expcri enced by those who assign meaning to their lives from the perspective ol
Kobasa's hardiness concepts of a sense of challenge, commitment, and contr,l,

important' It ,rlso shows that a nonparental, especially admired adult is also ',t'rms that hardiness can be learned' Kauai children you read about in part 1 almost always
The invincible
parent who they felt was :,,,crred to have had a strong adult figure other than a

This research shows that

154

it is how

we construe stressful situations that creatt,s

more than rrrrnortant to their development. Psychologist Ann Masten studied reports that :t00 adults who showed the hardiness component of thriving. She

l ltt llrr1l1PY111 1:,1,1u,'

(llt'se Ilrrivcrs lirtttltl {ltcir irrrtt:r r(]silicnce llrrorrglr borrcls Ilrrry lr;11 11,r,r,l.',,1 witlr;r rrciglrbor, larnily l'rie rrd, teachcr, r'rrinister, or othcr respeclecl aclrrll .llrr th;rn tlreir parents.'As you consicler your own harcliness factor, reflect b;rt.h ,,rr the one important adurt in your rife other than your parents who sccrrrt,rr r' influence your explanatory style and may have helped set your psych.r'11rr ,rl trajectory upward.
r

#i
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lrtti/ltrr'r.r tllou;'.h llrc t

ltl

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lirr llrrivirrg 6ltcp witlrclrirw lrottt l:rtrtily rtlcnlbcrs jusI whctr tltey ,r, r.rl llrcpt tltc rngs[.'l'lrcir krnclling nlakes it difl'icult for them to capitalize on
rrr, tlrnvirrll resources within their support system, but hardy thinkers trust in
,,,,1

r',rltlt: tlrose around them.

'

Cautious )ptimism: Research on hardiness indicates that being a consisl.rrtlr upbeat and always cheerful optimist is not a necessary part of hardiness. rir,rrrg hardy is notthe same as being foolhardy. In fact, studies show that persislr,rrrrr

highly cheerful, upbeat, optimistic children tend to die younger tharr rlr,,rr more timid, reserved, pessimistic peers. It may be that their excessive opr11r,,rri exposes them to taking unrealistic risks that their more cautiously optirrrl,ti,
peers avoid. You will read more in chapter 12 about the nature of a thriver's kirrrl ,,1 true adaptive optimism, but hardiness does not always mean having an rrrrrlrr,rl ified positive attitude. cautious, concerned, reluctant, careful, and even lriglrl ened people can be mentally hardy, too. More important for hardiness is able to construe life events from a perspective of the three c's

tt,tlhttllc: llardypeopleareinaconstantstateof discovery.Theyseemtohave , ,lr rvt, [0 live to the fullest tempered by a deep sense of commitment to a 6ioal ,,, lrlt,ntuch greater than an individual objective. They remain challenged by rlr,,rr rrroblems and constantly iook for new ways to comprehend and assign ,rri.,rrriitf to whatever happens to them. They never forget that they can never ,,,rllv tlrrive alone and that their goals are inextricably related to the lives of ,,tlrr.r.s. whether by an enduring love, altruistic caringi for others, or as in people n, i llroven's case through the sharing of one's talents and gifts, hardy ru l.rr Inor than rugged individualists. Their thriving always seems to involve

rrrilr,wir! to figure out a strategiy that allows them an enhanced connection

.,'rllr others and the world.

lr.r'g

of

chalh,rrrr+

commitment, and control.s

, t ,tttlt.ol: Hardy people believe they can eventually come up with a way of figur,l)' llrcir way through their adversity. Because they retain control of the contr rrl ol their consciousness and are continually expanding and modifuin$ their
,

'

Problem-commitment: Hardy people show persistent curiosity and ment in whatever happens to them. Above all, they remain mentally

,,1'Lrnatory system, they feel emotionally and mentally competent

,,rv rrroblem.

to handle

i.r,rl'r

in their problems and seldom throw in the towel. If tlrt,v rl,, they've usually done a lot of thinking about it first and have construed tht,ir ,,rl
engaged

tionally

ancl r,'r,,

'

tttrrttt,ing When to Giue up Control: Hardy people are also enlightened quitters.

right to work. Instead of saying, "Now look what I have to try to do,,, flrr\, .,,rr "Look what I'm getting the chance to t4r." They may not like it, but thcv rlrr l, with it and do it. The less hardy look for excuses to get out of their ilSSrflrrrrl
challenge or blame the people or events that giave them their assignment rirr rr excessive and unfair level of difficulty. Hardiness is taking life's assigrrrrrr,rrt,, seriously and responsibry, remaining absorbed in one's probrems, ,r
,

uation in such a way that surrender become a constructive way of dearing,r *,rrrr their problem. For the hardy, a crisis is like being assigned very difficult brrr r,r,, cinating and challengingi homework. Instead of compraining about it, p,l
ilrr,1,

ilrt,v know when no amount of thinking, feeling, and doing will change the , rilr.sc of events or improve their situation or feelings. They are able to focus
,rrr

urlttt they can control, ignore and intentionally deny the rest, and move on r,, o| lrcr goals. They are like a person in a tus-of-war who seems to know when rrrtl lrow hard to struggle and pull and just when to let $o to prevent unpro,lrrr

live and dama$ing straining. They are not bound by the western world's negative view of $ivin$ up. tlrIv know that strength is not always about overcoming, but is sometimes

illr(r ,r,i

result, eventually becoming more absorbed in life in general.

'

social commitment: when trauma strikes, hardy people maintain a deep, ;rrrrrl ing commitment to family and friends. Those who fail to show the hardirrr.r,,

,t,,,rrt allowing oneself to be overcome. They know that strength is not by victory over the outside world, but sometimes by 'lrr',rvs measured ,lr,rill_!cs in our inside world. They know that elective disengagement and rrril\,inf on are also a form of stren$th. As psychologists Charles S. Carver ,rr,l Michael R. Scheier point out based on their study of control and trr.rr[l-h, the hardy know that persevering can turn out to be glorious
157

156

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lltt otrl',lt llrt I Itrrl I ittrr:

sttrlliclitv;rtttl llr;rl givittg rrll irt tlte wrong tinre r:arr Irrrrr ou[ [o bc;r
loss.'l'hey ltave lcarttcd Ihat cltoosing wiscly important human strenSth."

tween the.se optiuns is also,rrr

lrvr.s, lool< lirr t'irsc sccttirrios llt;rt wcrc ('v('tl worst'(ltirrl tlrcir cttrrt'rtI Proll' !, irr.rrrrl llrrtlrrtllt wlriclt tlrey rnanaged [0 grow,;rrrcl gairl cotll'idetlcc t.hrough the ,urt,.rl\oll that they will he u1r to their current challenfle. If they bepiin tellin$

'

Learningto Be Hard)
It may be that some of us are born hardier than others, but all of us can lt,iu rr to be hardy. we don't have to go through the tribulations of the thrivers you lr;rr,,, read about in order to begin thinking about our lives from their perspectivt.r,l
challenge, commitment, and control.

that they can't possibly deal with their current problem, they are were arguing with ,.,,,,,1 ,rl rlispr.rtinSi their own view of their ability. As if they they are able to possibly succeed, can't ,r,rtlrr,r.t)crson telling them that they ,, 1,rr,. I lrt,iltselves out of their pessimism. By doing so, they are able to find some ,inl,,rr;rlive aclvantage, however small it may be, in their current situation. ,\., Opposed to the "this is the worst thin$ possible" orientation of non,r,, rrr.,r.l\rt,s

In their study of the invincible children of Kauai, researchers Werner ;rrrrl smith found that these thriving young people showed signs of a hardy per.son;rl ity from the time of their birth and that they retained that hardiness into aclull hood.' summarizing the results of their Kauai study of hardy children, wern,'r and smith wrote, "There seems to be a group of children who temperamentrrllv
and probabiy constitutionally have a better chance of making lemonade orrl lemons."8 But they also point out that even those children who did not seenr l, show early signs of emotional hardiness still managed to rally later in their Iivr':,

ili, r\,r.tj, the hardiers' "it could be sO much worse" way of construin$ events in ii!, rt owp lives helps them remain mentally in the giame and avoid what psyt,,,l,,rtists call catastrophizing. One of my patients was a high school journalism

i. r, lrtr'. She said, "You know that the word 'hale'

'l

means free of illness or disease' but I've taken it all in stride, walk, i lrt,r,n sick for most my life and I can barely ,i ,, ,,rr will excuse the pun. I've learned that you don't have to be hale to be hardy"' \rr6ther one of the thrivers I interviewed was a mentally impaired young ,,r ,rr \,vlro had been blinded by scalding oil splashed into his eyes while workingi ,r ,r l,rst-food restaurant. His statement captures the creativity of consciousness

over the years, they too seemed to have learned some of the hardiness skills

ot

their more naturally hardy

peers.

The good news is that all of us can learn to make lemonade from lemons. wr, can copy the thinking styles of the thrivers for whom hardiness seems to corrrl more naturally. By reflecting on the above profile of hardiness, we can find guidt,r for our own life that help us see challengies where others see hassles. we can lry

ri,.,t rrrrclerliesKobasa'sconceptof hardiness.Hesaid,"lknowllookterrible,but I tlrrrrli it could have been much worse. It could have killed me' you know' It's i ,r,l ol funny how becoming blind helps me look at life kind of different. Do you
,.,

to remain committed, even when so much seems to be distracting us from ,rrr own way of finding meaning in our lives. we can try to exert control when wr, can, and learn to gracefully give in and go with the flow when we can,t.
Hardiness is a form of mental resilience. Psychologiist Ann S. Masten defirrt,r, resilience as "a class of phenomena characterized by good outcome in spite rrl serious threat to adaptation or development."e I suggest that it is also a higlrlr creative kind of consciousness that allows us to have good outcomes in life rr, matter what phenomena impinge upon it. Thrivers have giood outcomes in thrrr lives because they are good at construing crises in such a way that they focus orr what they are already good at doing instead of what they cannot do. All of us cirrr learn from that creative "lemonade-making" mentality so that we can thrive irr our daily life repiardless of how stressful it is. Because they have such adaptive explanatory systems, thrivers tend to lrr. good at intrapersonal comparative thinking. They are able to reflect upon thcrr

I rl? I look different now because my eyes will not see for me anymore. I was you ,tir,,rys wa! better with my hands than my brain anyway. I can see with them, l,r,\\'. I have very good fin$ers that make very Siood eyes' I can read what other Do your fini', |,t)l(' cannot read, so maybe I'm smarter than a lot of people know' you could too. r,r r,, s(,0? I bet they don't, but if I learned to see with mine, I bet ,,,rr wguld if someone splashed hot oil in your eyes' so why don't you try any'l'lris very smart retarded man's words summatize the idea of the first comtryin$ r,,,|{.nt of thriving, a hardy explanatory style. His encouragement to keep
,!r\'\\';rv is the essence of hardiness.

158

159

I lri/r/r111,'tt

lrtt lltL

:itrl I rtttt'

fi

. ii '. ,1\',rrr(l St'lilllllilll, wllos('worli vott will rt';rtl ill)otll ill (llt'lirllowirrli lwo bc lr lirtrtrtlcr ol tlrtr lit:lt] ol , i, r. lrr. l5 coilsi(l(:r(td l)y |llilttv l)svclloll)Aisls Io .,, , 1',q',Irolo[V. , rlr',rr'ttlrrrilrirlyi is illl-erested irr what makes one moment seem so mucn .' t,l,,r',rtrrrbltr Ihan allother and how despite the stresses of life' there are com' 'I r,, ltntl lr;rlllliness in their daily living' His work explores the second
',r
,,1

to Happinasfor the Sad Times

it, r,,t riln(.(,ntrationsofbcusedthatitamountstoabsoluteabsorptioninwhatsay ' , ,rrt rkritts. His work shows that what people really mean when they
'l
'Il'l|;l|)|)yisthattheyareinthestateofflowsimilartoBeethoven'stotal
r

hard life is on llrrivirrf, how to make ourselves happy no matter how what he calls flow' a .r', .' ,r l)rimary source of happiness to be related to

rrrr'nl irt his sYmPhonY.

uappines:'A pslchological construct the meaning of which ewrybody knows but

the definirion oJ which nobody can give."

-H.
Goingwith the plow

M.loncl

seriously ill, weak, and totally deai Beethoven stood with his eyes cl.sr.rr, conducting his "ode to Joy." He was so caught up in the flow of conductin{ ,rrr orchestra and chorus he could not hear that he had lost all sense of self. tirrr,, and place. He kept on flailinEihis arms even after his Ninth Symphony had errt[,,1 and the musicians finished playing. He was so happy and engrossed in whal lrr. was doing that a singer had to turn him toward his audience to see the appl;rrrs.
and cheering.

u',r\r in which they construe their world helps ,l ,illrrrilralyi's research shows, thrivers' happiness is not dependent on exterof con, r r, tors or life circumstances alone. It derives from their chosen State down' looking are thin$s ,, I rir"'5 ;rrrd ability to cheer themselves up when who could enter a state someone of |l, r,tlrover showed all the characteristics creative conr!,,,rnrli. llis composing of his music was his form of a highly him in such a way , ., | ,n('r,s that allowed him to construe whatever happened to He wrote to a problems' ,. ,r lr, i orrld become totally unaware of himself and his three or four pieces simultane, ,, , ,, | 'I live only in music, frequently working on

.tr'',Irrtlicstrfthriversindicatethattheirhappinessdespitetheirpainrelates ,t,,,r.rlrrlitytoconcentrateandbeconsciouslycreativeenoughtobecomelost ,i!, |,rr':.('rrIjoyof bein$alive.Whiletheircircumstancesmaybemiserable'the

r'rl

them thrive'

As

For more than two decades, psychologist Mihaly csikszentmihalyi has hr,,,rr studying what it is that causes people like Beethoven to be able to becomt,:,,,

overwhelmed by his lis cleep despair over losing his hearing seemed to be work' , ir r r, | . tict into the flow, to find total consuming happiness in his creative pianist a virtuoso as t V| r r in the early sta$es of hearing loss and when his career , , rrrltn[. Beethoven wrote to another friend (and this quote is worth seeing this earth,,yo of me as beinpl as happy as it is possible to be on

,,

totally and joyfully involved in their lives even when their lives are full of c:lr,rl lenges. Csikszentmihalyi was one of the first researchers to focus on optinrrrrrr human functioning and to study why one of our happiest times is when wt, 11r'l so into the flow of living that we lose all sense of the problems in our lives. Formerly professor and chairman of the Department of psychology at lrrr university of chicago and now at claremont Graduate university, csikszt,rrl mihalyi is one of the most articulate and respected advocates for the emer,lrrrt field of positive psychology. Along with Suzanne ouellette Kobasa and l)r.,
t6o

, r r |. U must think r,rtrIt.t|)|)V.',WhyisitthatthriverslikeBeethovenwhosuffersodeeplyareableto their lives are hard? The answer seems to be their

,l

llr('nrselves as happy as

,r

,,

severe challenge' rly lo l'low joyfully rather than flail desperately at times of

,,,,tt\ li'vtn Lincoln, Izzie, Mosha, and other

,

HaYP) Sluls

you have read, he endured a series of traumas in ', , r\' \!irS Abraham Lincoln' fu , lrtr' ;rrrd experienced repeated bouts of depression and melancholy' yet he was
r6t

through his \rr,t5er historical figure known for his ability to find happiness

I ltL llrLlltoyttt I

rtr

lrtt

t{

ltltltlrt;tt

lrtr lltr

|'rrl I rtttis

littowtt lirr ttrlrrrtlirirtirtg ltis scrrsr ol lrrrrrror, jokirrg, lrnrl t,irsy lirrrglrtcr. llt, r,r,r6l, "Witlr tlrc strlirr that is ott nre niglrt;utd day, il'lclicl rrot l.ruglr, I.shgulcl rlrr, lleetlrtrvcn, l,incoln, and thrivers hke lzzie and Mosha are clistirrguishablc 5y llrr.rr
ability to think themselves happy even through an often terribly sacl lif'e. In ftrcl, r,rr, of the most striking characteristics of thrivers is their ability to cheer themselvt,s rrlr
Psychology has long assumed that happiness is a result of cloing and fct,lrrrp well, but positive psychology suggests another possibility; positive emotions ilr'rrr selves may come first and lead to feelings of flourishing. we may be happy wht,rr u,, feel

\ii,rllrr.r llrrivtr w;rs;r rrirrr Vt';rr oltl lro1,1v111t;r vt'r\r st'riotts plrvsit.;rl ittttttttttt' ,,t,r,r1tl tli;rlrr{trs. lle wtrscorrstirrrtlysick;rrrtl ltlrr.l toltcttttorcdirt llotrtc. lle ,,.,,1 trrr lrit,rrtls;rnd spcial cottl.act, ltut was lirrcecl to spclrd mucl-r of his time !r,,, ,rlr)n{,or witlr his sinfle rnother when she reLurned from work' Prospects ,, l,,r1t lrlt' lirr him were slim, but I never saw himwhen he did not seem hap, rlr.rrr nrirn! o1'tl"re people I saw in the cars next to me in traffic jams'
I

l, ,['sl illetl the "happiness first" principle when he said, "l don't
rr

see anybody

,,, ,,1

rt, r,vlro's

foinSi to make me happy. They seem sad when they see how I am.

are going well, but research now shows that we also feel lr;rll1 because we first assign some positive, growth-oriented meaning to whatever rr.r1,

that our

lives

pens to us. In terms of

thriving, happiness is as much a means as an end. No matterthe event, construing it in a positive and happy light can leatl r,, personal growth. Positive psychology researcher Barbara L. Fredrickson wrotl "The take-home message is that positive emotions are worth cultivating, not ru,,l
as

l0behappy, Ihavetodoit. If Iwanttohaveahappylife, Iwill haveto ,r , rt rrrvsrll'. All I have to do to make myself happy is watch Umu lthe family ,i,lr rr rr.liicverl. She knows how to make herself happy. She'l| just suddenly get ,i, ,l,l ti{) llct a toy. For her own do$ reasons, she'll throw it all around, play with

i,,

;,il1111i

,,r,1 rr,;rli

hcr tail hke crazy. No one has to play with her. Sometimes, she just

, ,,

ir,.r1i1jipf her tail like she gave herself a happy thought. Mom says she's a nat1,,11,11

but also as a means to achieving psychological grou,l l and improvedwell-beingi over time."r Fredrickson's research indicates that llr,
experience of positive emotions broadens
consider a wider set

end states in themselves

,, ,i ,

who is constantly entertaining herself, and that's what I try to do."

our consciousness and allows us 1,, of meanings in life, expanding what she calls our ,,monlt,rr tary thought-action repertoires Iexplanatory styles or creative consciousne.s.sl.,,, Beginning by iinding some degree of happiness independent of our circrrrrr what Fredrickson describes as our ,,enduring pers,rr,rl resources" andwhat I am calling the thriving response. As rzzie stated, ,,lf yorr want to be happier, you have to begin by telling yourself happier stories ab'rrl
stances helps build
your life. You can't wait Fredrickson

r1,, /,r1, lrl

tln"Awe-Full"tfe

\\'r, r irn't have a wonderful life if we lose our sense of wonder for life. We can't

,,,, , , !i,,rr,

rt wc allow life to lead us and become circumstantially delight dependent.

r:, t

for them to happen to you.', calls her theory of happiness the "broaden-and-build', modr,l. and it is centralto understanding the happiness component of thriving. Her tlrr.
orysuggeststhathappiness is much more than a nice way to feel as a result ,l hardwork orgood fortune. Based on her research, happiness and its assocralt,rl
emotions of joy,interest,

crtainly don't show the happiness they do because they have lucked out ,,,,1 lr.ril ;r wonderful life. They make their lives wonderful because they have the ,r, irti, lo llow with their lives and construe simple but enduring happiness in ,i,, rr lrvt,s irrespective of what happens to them. I believe that this kind of flow,,,,,,.illrrins why I discovered so many happy people busy trying to heal on the

contentment, pride, and love are not just the resull ,l a thnvinS orientation. They are the building blocks of it. Thrivers are happy people not just by nature or luck of the draw. In fact, m.sl
of the

llttit With me. I ,rllc1tell people that I have had an "awe-fu|l" life. I explain that my suffer,,. ,nrl 1r;rin have resulted in my finding more awe for iiving, and one way other j ,,\, li 1nd I do that is by being constantly on the lookout for ludicrous, siliy,
,,r, r r
.,,,

, ,

tune.

thrivers linterviewed were distinguishable by the degree of their misfor They intentionally sought to make themselves happy by construing thr,.s.

daily life. The IRS audit letter I received that you read about lr,rtrlrr 9 and its ironic juxtaposition with the diagnosis of my cancer seemed tr rht. 1 surprise blow directly to my funny bone. I had been so consumed with rr ,rr and so distracted by my pain that I almost missed all the signais around
|r rrrr

ry aspects of

negative events

in the most positive light possible. whether by enlightent,rl denial, self-delusron, enlightened quitting, compartmentalization, or even terrl porary dissocration and getting lost in the flow, they managed to make thern
selves able

,,, tlr,rl sl'rould have made my life "awe-full."

laughing when one of my colleagues called to offer his sympathy for , ( ,ril( cr. when I told him about the IRS letter, he asked, "This has be the worst :, rr tor. this to happen to you. How can you find an IRS audit funny, particularly ,,,,, " I irnswered, "l think this is perfect timing. I needed something to jar me I
rr,;rs
163

they reasonecl their lives that way. They seemt,tl to intentronally elevate their spirits and emotions.

reasonablyhappy because

i62

I lrt llrrllrtt'rrt

Itrtr

Irtt

I It1'1'111"t ltt llrr '\rrrl l ttttt:

orrt ol rrry lctlr.rrgic srrrrcrrdcr.'l.lrrv s;ry tltc orrlv ct,rl;rirr tlrirrgs irr lilir irrt,tlt,;rllr and ti.txes,.so lwas hit witlr both at once on tlre .s:rlrrc clay.'l'lrat's;r rc;rl trrr11t,tlr,, but it's also really comical if you stop ancr think of the ir<irry of the wh,le tlrirli ,, To DIe Laughing

r,.

tlrirrgs;rrorrrrtl irr ttrV roottt itt ;rtt cllirrt to tlisgtrisc lttrr cryittl]. ! ,r,r,rr llrirI wot]tan was invincible. Slte kcpt lirttghirtg ttp to Ilrc end. Slre really r,,l ,lrr, l;rrr[lring. Just l-hinking ahouL tlrat ggofy laugh of hers makes me smile ,i: ir r | $/islr we had a tape of it to play to remind us of how it lightened the hearts

, i ll lrl, rrrovirrg

r!, rl ,rlrurvs sccm so heavy around here."

During my bone marrow transplant, visitors and medical student.s new l, the cancer unit would often ask how the other cancer patients and I cou1.l l;rrrglr
when things seemed so dismal for us. while going through my cancer, prrrr l lished a book titled Super Joy and later released an audiotape series tiiled 7hr, Pleasure Principle. Both of these works described the role of humor and happrr ness in healing, but a pathologically oriented doctor I call a,,pathogenisist', askr,rl me, "How could someone going through what you were going through and s. near death come out with such joyful material? My answer ,,r just was, was {r'

Itrlv"

Lttugh

refer to a "hardy laugh," we are accurately describing Kobasa's con.1,t ,rl lr;rrcliness and Csikszentmihalyi's idea of flow. Perhaps no other activity r,, lp, 1S l6se our sense ofselfand awareness ofour stress than a good, long guf\.Vlrgrr wc

r,,'

Wt, c;rrr't laugh very hard for very longi and

still maintain a sense of time,

1,t l r'. ,r1(l person. When we laugh really hard, we often say that we "lose it." What 1,,.,1 is our sense of the press of outside demands. What is gained for at least a

ing to copy Beethoven." one of my favorite "mirth mantras" during my canc(,r was, "lf you don't keep your sense of humor, you're left only your with sens* ol
horror. silliness softens suffering." If you are goingi to thrive, there are two thirrgs you should never lose: your temper and your sense of humor. For the last few days before her death, a young woman suffering from pa'
creatic cancer occupied the room next to mine on the oncology unit. I would lis ten late at night for Anne's unique and contagious giggle. I knew she had clicrl when, iust before sunrise one morning, the laughter suddenly stopped.

lrrlr. rs ir sense of total joyful involvement in the present moment. We stop fight-

our attempts to flee, and start flowing. wlrcrr we laugh, the brain releases its natural opiates called endorphins, and r .r rtsglt, our pain can be reduced.s Laughter also raises our pain threshold. l:, r.,rrclr subjects listening to comedienne Lily Tomlin joking about Alexander r.r,rlr;rrn Bell (her "one rinEly dingy, two ringiy din$y" comedy skit) showed sigrrtrr',rntl! less sensitivity to pain than those who listened to a dull lecture.o
rrr1,, t t'ilSC

It seemrrl

pital walls. Every morning was a cause for celebration for those of us facin{ death, a sign that we were given at least one more beginning, but this mornin( was silent and sad without the sound of Anne,s laughter.
Anne had watched hours of tapes of comedians that her husband had macle for her, and I could hear her laughing most of the day and late into the night. I noticed that nurses coming from her room to mine would almost always have lr smile on their faces. on my first visit to Anne's room, she saw me looking at her high stack of videotapes. "Those are my pain killers,,,she saicl. ,,when I laugh, my pain is much less. You know what people say when they are laughing really hard, 'stop it. \'ou're killing me'? well, for me, it's the reverse. If I stop laughing, it will kill me. The pain is much worse when I'm not laughing.', Research rn positivc psychology clearly shows that a hardy laugh croes have pain-reducing ancl immune-enhancing capacities.

as if someone had unplugged a wonderful music that resonated through the hos

'l'lrcre is new evidence from positive psychology that our physiological immune r, ,lt.rrr is also enhanced by laughter. Research subjects who watched a videotape of
,

i,lr(,1ian Richard Pryor experienced an increase in the levels of the antibodies in I L(.rr saliva that help the body fight off colds and other infections.' There is no doubt tlr,rl. l'rgm a purely physical point of view, lau$hter exerts an anabolic or positive li, ,rlinS influence at any time in our lives, but it is being able to laugh easily at tough
t rr r

rt's

that is most significant in understanding the thriving response' l,sychologist Lee S. Berk's research shows that the stress-induced hormone

, ,rr

lisol (a catabolic hormone) is significantly reduced when we feel ve4r happy and l rrr11h. As you learned in chapter 7, cortisol is released when we are in the catabolic,

,,r "burning energy," state, and

it

has an immune-suppressin$ effect. Berk's

,, r,earch shows that laughter results in an increase of S-lgA (salivary immunoglob-

irlrrr A), which helps fight infection.

It also shows that there is an increase in our

room with tears in her eyes. "Anne died early this morning,,, she said, busying

A few hours after Anne's laughter had stopped, one of the nurses came to my

r,lrysiological immune system's natural killer cells that seek out and destroy abnor,rr,rl cells and that these increases persist for a period of time after a hardy laugh. llrr level of plasma cytokine gamma interferon, another anabolic substance that

,trrnflthens our immune system, doubleswhenwe laugh long and hard, and the
165

l6't

I ltt

ll. lltrtvLtt I:tr lor

m
Nlt

I Itltlttlls:: lor lltL .\ttl I itrrt,

incre;t.sc lasl.s wcll ittto lhe rlcxI dily.r'll ir.sirrglr;lill wcre tliscovgrctl Ilr1l c1lrrltl accomplish all these miracul.us effcct.s, it w.t.rld bc lrc.rcllinc ncw.s. Nine-year-old Patsy, another neighbor of mine in the bone marrow Ir;rr.

r'otttrtlV itri.st lrotlt trxltcrit:ltcr-'ol ttris r,,rlg1t,."rr Mpst tr;rgcclies llortriryetl ott stitgc, ill litcrirtr'rre , or ir.r the nlovics ctrd rtlr rlr.trllt. 'l'r;rAic hcr0cs and lre roines alnr0st always sLru$$[e valiantly yet fruit-

lltcr

lt11irrlt,tl orrt,

"lirtlr trirgrtlv;urtl

plant unit, laughed and giggled every day. she showecl me a get-well card srrrrr, one had sent her that had a picture of a fairy flying over treetops. Inside, i[.srritl, "Lighten up. Fairies can fly because they are right-hearted." when we mdnag(, "lighten up" and find some source of happiness at the stressful times in our livr,:, we also "lighten" our hearts. The relaxing, anabolic state of happiness and lau!lr ter helps prevent potential damage to the arteries that feed the heart ancl tlrr.
heart muscle itself caused by the catabolic or "fight or flight" response.

r, ,,11';r[;rirrst their pr6blems and eventually succumb. They are very often
I rntllt,rs," unknowingily sabotaging themselves or victims and continuing to sufr'

r,

Taking rr age$t

er

iously b ut Lightly

I n" ln,rllcr how hard they try to succeed. t)rr the other hand, most comedies end with some form of reconciliation. i\ Lrlt lr;rgic figures never seem to know when to quit, comic heroes usually end in to those things they cannot change. They exert the thriver's kind of 'r1, lirvirrg ,,,rt rol that includes knowing when not to keep seeking it. At the end of a com. !t\', ('vcryone seems somehow strongier, happier, and wiser after their crisis than l,,l,rt',;rnd this is the ultimate definition of thriving' r
t it' C ontenrylation

Tragedy hits us hard, but a sense of humor can soften the blow. Hardinrss, the first component of the thriving response, helps us deal mentally with orrr

rr t t

is the second component of thriving, happiness, that help.s r* cope with it emotionally. Finding humor in trauma does not change the fact ol the adversity or diminish its significance, but it can temporarily help us escal)(, some of its pain and provide us time to find new meanings in whatever has dis rupted our explanatory system. Positive psychologist Dr. Joseph w. Meeker wrote, ,,when disruptions ,r
threats to living processes occur, the comic way is to restore normalcy if possi ble."e In the easy times of our lives, comedy helps us find even more joy, but ;rl the sad times it can also help us find at least a temporary sense of relief from tlrr,
stress of our situation. when we keep our sense of humor when we suffer, we art, also maintaining at least some sense of who we were before our trauma. orrr

tragedies, but

it

When we laugh in the face of adversity, it may appear that we are losing our ,,rI rtls. [n fact, we are actually in the process of trying to make a new one. we are |, \'l t'l lo construe what happened, and finding humor is one way to approach the

r,',,lrlcm. HumOr doesn't require us to solve our problem. It $ives us a moment ,,1 (.sc1pe and sometimes offers creative if ridiculous ways to figure out what hap1','rrcd

to us and why. Ioseph Meeker pointed

out, "Comedy demonstrates that humans

are

,lrrr;rble, although they may be weak, stupid, and undignified."" Crises can cause

laughter reflects how we see the world, and laughing when our world seerrs turned upside down is one way to hang on to that vision. It allows us to be ahlr. to lessen the immediate burden of our trauma by providing a less depressrng con text for what is happening to us until a newer, better, and perhaps more ration;rl and adaptive meaning comes to mind. Meeker wrote, "The comic way is not heroic or idealistic; rather, it is a stral egy for survival.""'By seeking humor, we are able to remain in charge rather tharr be victimized' Because we are setting the emotional tone of the event rather tharr just reacting to it, we are able to accept some of the unavoidable limitations
imposed by our crisis. At least while we are looking for the comedy in what hirs happened, we are not consumed by looking at the negatives and not compellertl to immediately transcend our problems.
t66

lo feel vulnerable, dumb, and inappropriate in our reaction, but all of the tlrrivcrs I interviewed seemed able to use humor to help them flow through the rvorsl tirrs of their lives. It appeared to be their way of holding on to their identrll:1pd even mocking themselves and their situation long enough to hold it at length, examine it, and begiin to adjust their explanatory system' 'rrrr's l,aughing in the face of tragedy does not diminish its agony or reflect a ,,rsuirl or cavalier reaction. It's not thatwe don't care thatwe are suffering, but tlr,r[ we are strong enou$h to keep laughing and to keep becoming more aware ,,r rrl alive because we are suffering. It is the result of a highly creative explanatory
rr,,

,lr,lc that allows us to te|] ourselves happy stories about our lives even when our

lrvrs aren't going so well.

Many people who approach adversity from the comic orientation do not necto r Ls;rril)r laugh loud and hard. Instead, ihey reflect privately on what happens
I

lrcrn in a way that allows them to be free of endless fighting against their probl,.ilts and more open to flowin$ with them. They may use sarcasm or quick wit,
tGt

Itr

llr11l1PY111 1:,1,1P,

lilltl,tttt'\\ lot lltt ;irrl I ttttLt

or jusI look ir[ [lrirrgs l'rorrt ir silly poirrt ol vicw llutl brirrgs ir fcrrllt, srrrilt, otherwise tor[ured lacr:.

ll

,rrr

To put hardiness, the first component of the thriving response, Io worI l,,r us, we have to put our minds to it and learn to construe events in a cllrllt'r11lrrry,

' . I'r,, rl ,,rriilirrg wcre gcncr;rlly lraplricr and rnore r-rpbcat than thc tltlnpctlcil ,,,, l(,pr'l sirytltcytertcil-bilit-tgstoricswereanymorewell written,butthe
rr
'r11,1,1'11

,!, t,, \\,rilt' ;r storV willrotrt Ilrr' pt'rrt ils irr llrt'il tttottllts. Wlrt'rr tlrt' clltss rt;ttl ,, .l.r rt':, lltt'v rroletl llrirt tlrc otltrs tltt'y lr;rtl writltrr wlrilu doirrg Ilrt'ptlrcil-

committed, controlled way. To activate happiness as the second componcnl ,l thriving, we have to be willing to comply with the common expression, ,,.lrrsl ;,,,

l'r0rr forced smiling seemed to impact their explanatory style.

with the flow."

rtt

rlt iltliott ,rr,

It is an intentional and cot.ls( iorr, choice to frame events in our lives in a humorous light. To take the t.,rrr,
approach to crisis, we have to make the conscious choice to do so. we can'l u,,rrr for someone to make us laugh, particularly at the most grim times. wlrt.rr rr
comes to thriving, it is less important that other people can make us lauglr that we can make ourselves lauqh.
llr,rrr

Happiness is not an involuntary response.

tlt'liniLion of the word "silly" is "happy, blessed, innocent . . . needing willing to be a little silly at times of r , r,rl\', we rnanage to some deEiree to diminish the importance and signifi,',,,,,1,r rr problems not only for us but for those who love and care for us. Our ,, I.rrrlilrlcrr can be a powerful pain reducer for those who suffer with and for
,,,ri,r',,r()r) or sympathy."" When we are tr , ,rrr lrc a welcome signal that we are trying to thrive throu$h our probiems

-1, taKtngan

^1 ux)gen sn1wer

,,,1

,r

ncouraging gift we can give even at our most frail and vulnerable
;r Ver)r hard laugh

,,,,'rrtr lll:'rr

If we are going to think clearly under stress, our brain needs all the frrr,l
bed,

\llr'r

that tenses our muscles and causes our body

sys-

can giet, and oxygen is that fuel. when my cancer made me too weak to leavt, rr\' I began to notice what my wife referred to as my "occasional ins and orrl:,

, ,,, 1,, rrrrlsirle, we finaily relax. I told my embarrassed

nurses that the laughter

ii,,
,

I wasn't getting up or exercising, and my blood oxygen level was measurinpi il;rrr Sierously low. I would vacillate from being alert to distracted to almost obliviorr,, to things and people around me. The room appeared to be getting darker ;rrr,l darker, even though the lights were on or the sun was shining through the wirr dow. I learned that I could brighten things up by smiling and laughing, bec;rrr:,r. doing so "oxygenated" me.
Here's another simple science experiment you can try to see the effect of giv

,,llcrr heard on our cancer unit was our secret way of having sex. I told ,i, r r tlr;rl like sex, our laughter allowed us to get emotionally aroused, tense r' , , ,r ryrrlse in laugher, and then relax and sigh. When I told one of my nurses ,,,r ! lr;rtl figured out a way to have regular "laugh-gasms" on the oncology ,,,rt ,lrt'said, "Yes, but be very careful. Humor is a comically communicable
,

'r

rrltltr ttl."

ing your brain an oxygen shower. When we smile and the facial muscles arorrrrrl our mouths contract, we experience an increase of blood flow to our brains. l,r rl a wooden pencil between your teeth so that the ends touch each side of yorl

I , roliilf for humor when we are under stress can Serve aS a form of "mirth,r,,,1. .lust as meditation can free the mind of all consuming and distracting ,i,',,rr,lrls irnd allow an experience of total mental balance and focus, the kind of ,r , rruspess that helps us find the ludicrous and silly in adversity can help us r,,rirtr.our mental gears and become more creative in our approach to dealing ,!

mouth. Keep biting down as you continue to read and until you feel some dir comfort in your facial muscles. You're probably more used to frowning, so youl
smile muscles will likely tire out quickly. After a few minutes of pencil biting, y.rr will feel a slight warm sensation in your face and head, signifying that you hirv,, just poured an additional dose of oxygen into your brain to help you think a ril tle clearer. It seems that one of the best ways to "clear our heads" might bc l.

,llr r rut' clrallenges. irrst as meditation allows us to free our minds from distraction, mirthr ,t,,,rr rrllr)ws us to be free of the pressure of the moment so we can find the , ,r,r'rr('ss, humor, and ability to laugh that allows us to temporarily forget our , , ,1 ,l, rr s, our situation, and even ourselves. Just as we cannot effectively medritr .rn(l worry at the same time, it is also impossible to iaugh and worry at
r

laugh our heads off. In one of my simple science experiments, I had my psycholoy studerrl:, bite down on a pencil as they wrote a one-page story. The next day, I askt,tl
t68

r,,

l , rroI prevent laughter. In fact, some of our healthiest laughing resuits in !,,,', (lomedienne Lilv Tomlin pointed out that when she lauEihs she
169

,.,rrc time. We can, however, laugh and cry at the same time' so sadness

t ltt llLtllnt'ttr I tr

trtt

t:

Irr1tyi11,'r,

lu

tlrr

,\tl

I irttr,

sotttctitttts crit:s, btrl tlr;rt wlrcrr slrt crirs slrt,tlot,srr'( l:rtrglr. Slrc.s;ritl slrt, l11rrrrrl valuc irt llrc Lears 01'laughtcr bec;ruse iI rnc;rnt slrc w.rs getting {w9 5c1r,lilr, from one behavior.

How to Be a Gelontologist
The sayingi, "Laugh and the world laughs with you,', reflects the fact that wt, are drawn to those who laugh easily and heartily. we are drawn not just to tlrt,ir

,,irr,l1lt(,s. tlrc lglirl lrlrrlr el.wlr;rt w;rs lrirpllrrrtitrg t:otrltl ttvtlrwlttllllt yott. Yott nl !'. r, I lo p;t,lctltl cr:rtirirr thirlgs wcrc rlot 1s Iltcy wcre . l're Icrldirtg was a way ol' te ,,,,r,rt\', rrrrtletcctcd cscaps for me. Ytru lrad to sort of clown around if you could. r r,,rrrt,rrrhcr hcaring in lhe camp thatMoshawould conductsmall groups of pris,,ir, r r,. 'l'lrcy would all laugh with her when she would point to one of them and
,r,

llurl their imaginary violin was out of tune.

She would walk over and take the

rrtr',rlrlc vicilin away saying every time, "For heaven'S sake, haS your JeWish Soul
i', r'|l t ursd with a German ear?"

laughter but also by our often unconscious interest and fascination with llrr. point of view they have taken that is causing them to find humor where we nr;rv not yet see it. we wonder, "what is it that they see that makes them seem s' happy? Maybe if I could see it, I'd be as happy as they seem to be.,' tsy fincrrrrll some sense of happiness during the tough times in life, we are, as the definitirrr of silly indicates, putting our troubles in new and creative perspectives. At tlrr, same time, we are acting in a way that attracts the social support we so desperr
ately need when we are suffering. As a result, we can become twice-blessed. Anne, the woman who watched the comecly tapes to decrease her pairr, referred to the seductive nature of siiliness. She said, ,,Do you notice how manv more times nurses and doctors come to my room than most other rooms? I'nr

t ttrotionsl Deep Breathing 'l'lrc happiness component of thriving is like emoiional deep breathing. We t, n( l l o inhale when we experience ne$ative emotions and thoughts ("Oh no! Now
,,'lr,rl i What next?") and we exhale when we experience positive ones ("Ah! Oh yes!

not really all that much sicker than the rest of you, but I think the silliness
attracts them. They stay longer, too, because they start watching the tapes and laughing with me. Face it; most people aren't too comfortable with us dying folks. I really think they sometimes even hate us for our dying because it remincls them of their own death. cancer repels, but happiness attracts.,, My own experience during my cancer supports Anne's view. I found sincere and soulful lauohter to be the ultimate form of seduction. Gelontology (from the Greek word for laughter, gelos) is the study of the salutary effects of laughter. Research in this important subfield of positive psy_

I .,r,r,1"). Researchers in positive psychology refer to this emotional broadeningi .'r"l ll;rlancing aS our "thou$ht-action repertoire," another name for the creative , ,,rrst iousness of thriving. When we focus on seeking a happy meaning nestled somewhere in the mis, r1' ol'r)ur adversity, our positive emotional state creates the urge to try to "play
,rround)'with options, push the limits, and be creatively receptive to several new
,,t,l ions.

ln

All of these events are characteristics of the thriving response.l5 her book, The Bad Stuff Is the Good Stuft psycholo$ist Barbara

T.

wrote of the role of a happy orientation to the saddest times in our lives' ' ,lrt' experienced the adversity of alcoholism, divorce, cancer' and many other traurrr,rs irr her life, and described how she managed to make the "bad stuff in life turn
\ .rrrowski

,,rrt "food." She wrote,

1997 the doctor told me that I had cancer' like it was a l,,rtl thing. So it seemed at the time, but later, it proved to be an immeasurable leswords of someone ,, rrr lhat led to a greater life than I ever imagined."'6 These are

"In

we do so by construing or finding meaning in our lives and problems in a way that reflects not only our serious, rationar adult approach to problems but als' our inborn childlike playful thinking and pretending.
Anthropologist Ashley Montagu referred, to our innate childish silliness as "neoteny,"r4 referring to a happy, innocent, childlike quality. All of the thrivers I
interviewed for this hook showed their own unique form of neoteny. Despite the horror of his imprisonment in the death camp, rzzie maintained what those who knew him well described as his playful, devilish nature. Describing how his neoteny had helped him thrive through his adversity, he said, ,,lf you didn't laugh
170

chology indicates that we make our own happiness and we make ourselves laugh.

rr'lro has clearly learned to how to flow through her series of life traumas.

llesearch in positive psycholoy indicates that intentionally trying to con,,true a happier meaning when crisis strikes also results in the urge to explore, t,rlic in new information and experience, and expand the self." when our ne$atrvt emotions take hold, we are mentally and emotionally eager to get out of the might lrrlsent situation that seems to be making us so miserable. Quick escape

sur.rival, but thriving requires full mental, emotional, and spiritual |illliigement. Developing our creative consciousness takes time. When we look on the for it, we are more likely I r ight side, or at least engage in the process of searching
li rrd

to

171

I ttt' trt't'lllttl'r'll I'rlt l0l'

T
rr,,rr,rl" or glositivc rrrotivatiorr ol cottr:trrttittl] otttrscll
f

I It1t1ti11s" 1u' l/tt' Srtr/ l'irttr'' rrr'.rrl;rlilV ol rrrodcrn psvcltologv irrrtl trrt'tlit'inr',;rtttl locttsittg oll it lllor0 "l)rolllo

[, rcltt;titt rigllt wlrtrc wc irrc, l;rkc irr orrr strrroLrlclings, arrcl s1v,r irrtl learn what we can in .ur current rite sir-uariorr. A.s a resur[, we have trre tinrc ro think about what we are experiencing and look not only for K.basa,s three c,s ,l challenge, commitment, and control but also a fourth c, a sense of the comic;rr. The result can be a much more adaptive explanatory style.
Io watl[

witlt ltopes atld asllir;rtiorls

trr I''n(l Ilrc mere absence of adversity.'l'hcy;rrc indirrg that .suffcrirrg docs not ,., lrrtlt'cxperiencing happiness and personal growth, and may in some impor-

The neal pleasure principles

Positive psychologists have shown that thrivers have happier and more flrw ing lives because they have become very good construers.18 They

Lrnl w;rvs promote these positive states. Sigrnund Freud was the first person who wrote about the "pathology" view , | | | rt, p le asure principle and to see the pursuit of pleasure as essentially a way tlf
,

psychology indicates that happy individuals construe naturally occurring riri, events, as well as contrived situations in the laboratory that present scientists, versions of what is funny to ericit the humor response, in ways that seem r, maintain and promote their happiness, pride, and love for life and others. Individuals who are less "happiness talented', tend to construe laboratorv experiments and life problems in ways that seem to reinforce their unhappy, neg ative self-views.1e ro a large extent it is true that we get what we are looking frir. No matter how wonderful or terrible life is, whether we thrive happily through il or merely survive or recover from its setbacks depends in large -.urrr. on how we choose to construe what happens to us. This chapter ends with a set of findings about the flowing kind of happiness that characterizes the thriving response. They are derived from the research fronr the field of positive psychorogy, and each of them ilrustrates the importance of . central hypothesis regarding the thriving response and human invincibility; happiness is, after all, a state of mind.

their problem, develop and adapt their explanatory styre to their situation, arrtl become more psychologically immune to future stressors. Research in positivc

mentaily engagt,

pain. He saw pain and pleasure as opposite ends of the same continuutr, 'r,r,rrlirrf rr,rl ,rs tlistinct entities. He wrote, "lt seems that our entire psychical activily is l,i.rrl rrpgn procuring pleasure and avoiding pain, that it is automatically regtrl,rtr.tl hy the pleasure principle."'o Even when he wrote about what he called tltc r,';rlrly principle" and living "beyond the pleasure principle," his focus was still

,ir

llre assumption that the ego or self "at the bottom also seeks pleasurc

,rlllrorrgh a delayed and diminished pleasure."" l,aLhogenic psychology embraces Freud's "pain Verses pleasure" distinctiolr. ll l;rils to see that even those in severe pain can discover some de$ree of pleastrrtr
r r sor)te way or form within their trying circumstances. You have read the storics ,rl lhrivers that illustrate what research in positive psychology is showin$; that lrrrnror and pleasure are not prevented by severe pain, and often help us witlt',t,rrrcl

the debilitating effects of pain and the fear associated with it'" lbsitive psychologist researcher E. Tory Higgins has discussed the differences lrr.lwcen a pain prevention orientation and a pleasure promotion view of life. IIe ',rrllfested that pleasure can result from more than just success at avoiding pain. I lr' proposes what he calls a "regulatory" view, which incorporates the possibility llurt life is not pioverned exclusively by the "no pain = pleasure" principle.''' I{iggins identified the prevention motivation as dealing with strong ought-to's, ',,,rrsitivity to the absence of neglative outcomes and avoiding a$itatin$ emotions. ln
)nlrast, he says that a promotional life focus is more sensitive for positive outcomes. ,\s one of the thrivers pointed out, "You can see more options with a positive outlook
{
(

Pleasure Principle 1: Don't Let yourself Get Distracted from Delight

Psychologists have long embraced the concept of what they call ,,the pleas_ ure principle." In its simplest version, it asserts that people spend their lives seek_ ingi pleasure and trying to avoid pain. This "approach-avoidance" orientation to daily riving that focuses on trying to have a pleasurable life by seeking the avoidance painful of experiences. Positive psychologists, however, are questioning this exclusively preventive orientation and suggesting that pleasure and happiness are much more than just the absence of pain. They are challenging the exclusive prevention and survival
172

llr;rn a negative one. When you get so focused on the bad stuff, you sort of become rlistracted from the good stuff and lose your sensitivity for the simple delights in life,"

is sometimes referred to as an

l'leasure Principle 2: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill Positive psychologist Edward Diener refers to happiness as "subjective
l
rg

well

lrring."2a He refers to the danger of leading our lives on a hedonistic treadmill, seek-

more accomplishments and trying to $et more things and more money, leading t'vcntually to ever increasing expectations. As soon as we $et the things we thought r,ve wanted and achieve the happiness we hoped for, we quickly get used to what we

l/-,

I ltt

llssll1py111 1,t1,1,11'

ryl

! lrrltltitly:: lor

lr ,\nl l irrr'

happens to us. As one .r. the rules of our psycho-immunity asserts, we are buirt to be not too high or tr, low for too long. Thrivers seem well aware of the hedonistic neutrality principre . They seem to sense that they can eventually accommodate any degreeof unhappiness and are not seduced by the hope for final and total pleasure. They are frer of what has become the thoughtless hedonism of much of the modern world and its dominating ideology of materialism. They do not subscribe to the idea of just "doing one's thing" regardless of the long-term consequences, or that whatever feels good at the moment must be worth doing.rs They have learned through their sufferin that it is not only life that is short. unless we choose to cling t<r them, all emotional states are also short lived. The hedonistic neutrality principle asserts that reaching goal guarantee.s a that we won't be satisfied with that goal for too long. we may have thought we would have "finally arrived," but we are destined to be constant

and sadness. we art, unhappy when we first encounter misfortune, but we soon get used to even Ilrt, worst of circumstances, and what would have seemed to lead us to a certain riri, of misery no longer makes us totalry unhappy. we might be very happy when f'r tune smiles upon us, but sooner or later it is ,,no big deal.,, Diener points out that research on happiness indicates that we are destinel to hedonistic neutrality in the long run no matter what

This form of quick boredom means that we get used to whatever state which we find ourselves, and that includes both happiness

lulvc. l\rsitivt llsycltologist.s clll Ihis "lrirbitLr;rtirrg" lo llrr ncw lcv.l wc workcd.s, l'rr.tl to achieve' No matter htiw nluch we earn or aclrievc, we tkrn't secnr to slay hap'y l,r long. Another "have to have" or "must do".seems to arways eventuaily p.p up.
irr

,,t ,rrrr lirrrr'. As;r rcstrlt, it llt,corrrcs lrss irrrrl lt'ss rlrtiottirl lirr tts to slttrttcl ottr titlttr

,l,,rrrl,rrrryllrirrg otlrcr tlurrr tlrosc tlrings thirt nurke us ntor)ey or in spending il , ,,r,,;,rt'uously Io annouttce just how happy 1ve musI be.'" ()rrt'ol the Droblems with the "time is money" approach to happiness is that tlr, rrrorc of our time we spend investing time to giet money to buy material tl,rrrllS, llre less of it is left for us to engage in what really makes us feel like we
,,

lrrivinf : Srowing, becoming, loving, and flowing. I cannot remember a sin-

1,1,' I lr

rivcr talking much about money. Instead, they spoke of becoming more and ,rr,,rt ;rlive in order to enjoy the wealth of opportunities in the simple, ordinary ,',,rlilt' oI daily living. Nlv own study of highly successful people revealed that those who agreed llre "time is money" mantra were the unhappiest in their personal and

'r'rllr

rsonal lives. They were also the ones stuck on the hedonistic treadmill and rrrrr:;l profl to illness and depression.2T Thrivers have learned that, beyond a cert.rrrr rrrinimum and in consideration of the suffering they experienced, any .rrnount of comfort, material reward, fame, health, or good luck becomes irrele,r r I r.rpe

,',rrrl It) being happy." They have discovered that enduring contentment derives rr.1y1 ysrn2ining fully engaged in all that life offers.

l'lt'.rsure Principle 4: Don't Compare Your Happiness

Another aspect of the happiness component of thriving is the fact that hapl,rrrcss ultimately depends upon freedom from comparisons and competition.
who engage in the kindling or victim responses to adversity often compare tlrt'ir situation with others, but thrivers seem immune to such comparisons. The lr,sitiV psychology principle of "relative deprivation" states that being happy is r',rsv, but being as happy or happier than other people is impossible because we
l lrose

but once there, something spurs us on to go higher. once we arrive again, it's not too long before we're ready to try to go higher than our preset neutrar point. No matter where we think we can go to find more pleasure, we wilr always be there, and most of how happy we are is up to how we think, more than what we get. one of the thriver.s described his awareness of the hedonistic neutrality prin_ ciple when he said, "I can guarantee you one thing about your goals. As soon as you reach them, they will go up. It's like a carrot on a stick in front of mule.,,

through life at our own individual "satisfaction set points,, no matter how suc_ cessful we may become in terms of externar rewards. we keep trying to move up,

travelers movin6l

,r:;sume others to be much happier than they really are.'n

Ilecause the world's resources are unevenly distributed, we tend to evaluate

,,rrr happiness not in terms of what we have or need to live comfortably but in , onrparison with those who seem to have the most of what we think we want. We ,t'cm driven to keep up with the Joneses, but they are t4ring hard to keep up with
rrs. One

thriver pointed out, "l stopped trying to keep up with the

Joneses a longi

lirrre ago when

ru';rs.

discovered they were a bunch of liars. They were doinEi what I

Pleasure Principle 3: Don't Think of Time as Money

"Time is money" has become a mantra of modern life. Research on happiness shows that this belief i.s a myth. As our income or amount of money in our bank account increases, we begin to increasingly assign a dollar amount to the value
174

They were saying they were much happier than they actually were and they

Joneses they were trying to keep up with." Recently 52,000 readers of Psgchologg Todag were asked what happiness rrreant to them. The authors of the survey concluded that happiness "comes from lcnding one's own garden instead of coveting one's neighbor's. . . . Happiness, in Irird

their own

175

ltt llt'(lltttt'ilt I it lttt

T
11il..,,il110 WlrV Wlr0rr IWitS

I lt/rfrl11,'tt

/rrt /ltr'Srtrl l lttrt't

sl)orl' lllrlls otll lo l)(' ll)ot'(';r tllilttcr ol lrow yotr rr,[;rrtl y{)ur circunlsliurccs ilrirl ol'wllat Ihc circuntstitllL:cs itrc.""" 'l'lri.s .sinrple br-rI ilnlrortanL conce p[ ,l.happirrrss being a matter of how we look at the world is central to the talent for thriving. Iivolutionary psychologist Steven pinker used the German worcl schadutt freude to describe the comparative view of happiness. There is no equivalerrl word in the English language for schacrenfreude, so I suggested that my patienr.s learn it as a reminder not to seek their happiness comparativery. It means beirr! happy only if someone erse seems unhappier than we feel, a kind glee
of
by seeing others as more miserable than we are.,,, derived

lrt'itt11 ott tlt;tl sittttt'ttrrtl. Islrll tt'tttCtttlltlr tllC Scllst'ol ltave tlte tirtttl t9 tlrirrl< ,,,,rrrrlllet0lV intg being;rlive l-llat I st'ltlltrt st't'lllctl ttt rl,,rrrl ltttw l<lng I would stay thal way'

l'lcrrsttre Principle 6: Enjoy the Afterglow of Adversity Mvinterviewsofthriversrevealedthat,aswewouldexpect'thinkingirbtlttl

|'||'.15tIrirblepresenteventsmakesushappy.Youlearnedearlierthatthinking;rlrtlrrt rlrrrrliinf about
, .r,,r,,

happy as thinking about present ones' atttl 1',r,tl past events makes us almost as
a

determining whether we survive or thrive.

find joy and contentment by sharing the sacred breath of life with other.s. whether we lead a life based on schadenfreucle or aloha plays a major rore

The Hawaiian word for this rs aloha. The word aloha has many meanings, but one of its most important is t.

measure of happiness not only to themselves but also to those who care for thenr and are going through their adversity with them.

Ambrose Bierce facetiously defined happiness as ,,an agreeable sensatiorr arising from contemplating the misery of others.",r2 As Beethoven seemed to dr, thrivers are able to find their happiness by being energized,by the happiness ,l others' They contemplate and construe their own misery in ways that bring
;r

was trol present and new bad event makes us the unhappiest. what

{'.|X'(.tcdfrommyinterviewsoftheseinvinciblepeoplewasthefactthat,incvtlrv

negiative past events' what made thrivers the happiest was thinking about back on unhappy tiltttrs' lzzie provided an example of the impact of reflecting but when I think bat:k ,,1 know this will be hard to accept or understand, I ll' s;rid, happy.Maybe it's tlrr ,,rr l'c terrible things I've gone through, it makes me feel valuable, meaningful, and enjoyahlt r,h.;r that I made it and life is so much more I'm feeling a littlc til ilre ilowr but thinking back actually cheers me up when

l,lrrc."

i'

Bone l'lcasure Principle 7: Find Your Feminine Funny

Pleasure Principle 5: Flowing is Enjoying

of happiness and thriving.'r' we feel we are "flowing,, when we become so fulry
As you have read, Mihaly csikszentmihalyi's concept of flowing is at the

launchin the humor ancl I,sychologist Herbert M. Lefcourt is credited with

ro.l

no time to them. You just got so lost in your own mind that time eventualry ceased to exist. Those who had the most problems were those who tried to keep track of time. You have to give a new meaning to time and fall into your own flow that fits your life that does not rely on a clock or calendar.,, Another thriver tord me, "when I was a patient on the bone marrow trans_ plant unit, I was so busy trying to stay alive that I didn't have time to think about how much time I had left to live. I was too busy trying to figure out how to rive my moments to have any time to worry about months and years.,,3,, I felt much n6

result from doing them. when I askedrzzie how he managed to endure the endress days imprisonetr in the death camp, he answered, "That's just it. The days were endless. They had

we lose our sense of self, time, and even place. csikszentmihalyi refers to the.sc kinds of enpirossing activities as "autotelic,,, meaning they become worth doing for their own sake regardless of any payoff or favorable consequences that may

engaged, engrossed, absorbed, and enjoyably immersed in what we are doing that

Irt,lrIthmovement.HeWaSoneofthefirstpositivepsychologistswhoshowedhtlw that there is a differIrtttnor helps us thrive throu$h stress. He found, however, technique of "comic constrttr.rrr:e in how men ancl women employ the thriver's

rn[." Lefcourt'sresearchshowedthatwhenmenlauSih'theirsystolicbloodprcsgo down' He hypothc''rrre tends to $o up' but when women laugh' it tends to .'izcsthatthisdifferenceisduetothefactthatwomenmoreoftenconstruewhat
r:'

the target of the humor arrd ltappenin$ in such a way that they themselves are

|;rttghter. Because of this humble-style humor, their to laugh in an attempt to enhancc r,ocial closeness' Men, on the other hand, tend results in a sense of competitive pr0stlre ir position in the social hierarchy.3u This reflects that tension' ,,trre, and as a result, men's blood pressure

laughter tends to rest'<lrc

at themselves' It seems ttl |;lughter is almost always of the feminine kind and social support' Thrivers (.onvey a humble modesty and vulnerability that attracts

Myinterviewsofthriversindicatethatregardlessoftheir$ender,thcir

l;rrrghhardestwhentheyconstruewhatishappeninginthecontextofthefemi ,,Just look at what a foolish thing I did" rather than the male "Look at what rrine
;r fool

I made of You."
177

ut rttt.ilutl,fll l.tlt ltll'

I Ityltittr'ts lor tltt

Stl l ittrct

T
illtr.strllecl lrow Ilrc lcrrrale-lrLrrrr,r factor creates a tlrriving aclvantage. I placed chalk tlust ()n tlre.scats ()f the clesks in the classroom of one of my co'ege intro,uctory psychorogy courses. l set u;r a video camera to record what happened when students n.g- tu arrive. when I showed the tape to the class, they saw the female sense of humor in action. As the women students entered, sat down, and noticed the chalk on their slacks and skirts, they got up, raughed, kept brushing it off until it was gione,
and said thing.s
r

Arlotllcr rtl'tttv.sitllllltr

sc:it:t.tr:c rxpe rirrrt:rrts

tr r r,lrows thirt orrr l;rtrflrttrr t'irrr irlso he lr sigrurl ol sttlllttissiott irttd

Illt'givirtl] tllt

,,i t.rrl1.1l. L1u{lrter c:rrr

a sigrrirl tlrat wc ;rrc willirrg to sttbrttit ;tttcl its Vott l,,rrrrt'fl irr chapter 9, the cgntrol factor tlf hardiness inclucles thc ahility to frlrcc

llr

began to help other coeds brush the chalk away. When the men began sitting down, it was a different story.

Iike, "How could I have done such a silry thing," or ,,oh my, now look at what did just did." Many of the women

lrrllv rlivc irt. l,rovine's research shows that laughter indicates mirth but also sottlt'littlt's ,rrlrrnission and surrender. Sometimes it indicates all three of these cntoliotutl .t,rtt's at once. For example, we often groan and laugh at what we call a "lcrriltlt'
1,rrrr." We may do this because we are showing our deference , lr,r,rt,r' Irick, giving in and asking thatwe not be punned again, rlr

to tlrc ltttttslt'r's sotlclitttt's.iltsl

kept trying to find out the identity of the trickster or mocking the person who had the most chalk on their pants. They seem bothered, agitated, and inattentive during my lecture until, after several minutes, I told the class about my informal humor experiment.
As I showed the videotape to the class, they all laughed, but again the women were laughing at themserves and the men would shout out the name of other men they thought "really looked stupid" or who ,,really got chalked bad.,, However minor, the men's prolonged agitation and distraction seemed to inter_ fere with their ability to get back to the task of learning.

ass," or "who in the hell put that stuff there?" They also laughed, but usually while pointing at a feilow male student,s pants and announcing to the rest of the class how much worse someone else's seat-chalking had been. The women recov_ ered quickly from the prank, smiled, and began to prepare for class, but the men

when they saw the dust rise. Many of them seemed angry that they had been made the butt of a joke. They made only a few cursory attempts at brushing the chalk away before focusing their attention on finding out who played this trick on them. They often swore and said things like, ,,I,m going to kick somebody,s

As the men entered the classroom and sat down, they jumped up quickly

lrlt,rlsc the pun is funny.'u We often laugh automatically at seemingly lttttttot lt'ss trrrrcs, such as When we stand up to say, "l have to 6io now." The averagc spt';rkt't l,rrrlllrs almost twice as much as the person to whom she or he is t;rlkirril' Wt'
Lrrrlllr in these ways to smooth social transitions, set a positive entoliotl;rl lottt', ,rrrtl l9 enhance feelings of group belonging, all of which are also irnporllrttl lltrtv

rrrl skills.

t lrc Two Walts to Wisdom

So far in this thriver's manual, you have read about the first two ctttttltottt'ttls

,,1 tl-re

thriving response. You have learned that hardiness and hitppitress 'rtt' rrrtentional ways of construing our lives that lead to invincibility ancl arc ttol llrt' r('sult of it. The next two chapters discuss the final two keys to enhattcittg ottr tlrrivingitalent, healing and hope. For all four of these aspects of thrivitrg, il is rrrrportant to remember the central tenet of this book: if we choose ttl nrakt il so,
,rtlversity can actually add to our lives. It can make us hardier and happicr tlurrr lve might have been without it. If we wish to thrive right now and without worl* r'g our way through the kinds of crises the thrivers you have been reading ;rltottl
(,xDerienced, we have to apply these same strategies to our daily lives.

and female laughter. It revears the social and personal performance effects of the kind of humor we find in what happens to us and the irnportance not just of laughing but of why we laugh. It seems that, when it comes to thriving, a sense of humor is not enough. what is needed is a woman's sense of si'iness.

The results of my simple science experiment seem to verifli Lefcourt,s hypothesis about the differences between the reason and purpose
behind male

Mythologist Joseph Campbell pointed out that we become wise in two wrtVs, by a sudden epiphany or by suffering." If we learn to employ our thriving [alcrrls ol hardiness and happiness, we make ourselves more available for an epiplurrty ;r1d the quantum kind of thriving associated with it. By remaining mentally clrll lenged, committed, and in control and flowing by emotionally dealing witlt ottr
f irrd rrroblems from the comic point of view, it becomes more likely that we will thrott11lt to $row llte unique wisdom and strength that comes from knowinEi how

struin$ what happens to us. Psychologist Robert R. provine,s research on iauah178

Pleasure Principle B: Laugh to Surrender, Not Control Laughter can serve many purposes and derive from different ways of

lrnd find meaning in our miserY'

con_

"ll Izzie discussed the role of hardiness and happiness in thriving. He sai{, rlrilrtl, vou want to thrive through your problems, you have to have a very strong
I7t)

rcirll1,, usuaily .shed tears, so you can .see that there isn,t reaily mucrr cris tance between the comedies and tragecries of rife. They a, mean you are rivirrg fully, and I think that this is how youlearn to thrive.,,

a harcly soul, ancl arr cxtrenrely.sensitive furrny bone. When you lauglr really hard, you

v
t

r Healingthrough the Horrible Times

",t'bove

sll,we shouldresist equatinghealingwithfeelinggood.This is a

fficuk

lcssonfor healers."'

-Larry
t'fu Gft of sickness

Dosey,M.D.

.rr)my, it's really our evolved human system designed to give us the energy to r[';rl with injury, infection, and psychological stress. It's a built-in energy saver llrirt signals us to slow down and take it easy so the body can use its energy to rlt'al with its illness. In the positive psychology model, the process of healing from physical or
.rrrrtional stress is essential to a full and healthy life. Healing in this view is turnurg even the most horrible times in our lives into an opportunity to learn to deal rvith our lives in new and more enlightened ways that can allow us to thrive.
l)t:aling with severe illness can awaken us from our languishins and help us rcaljust how much of life we have forgotten to savor. It can involve discovcring lrow to integrate events in our lives and use them to form a ntorc collgrlerrt irnd
rzc

and behavioral changes that tell us that we are acru,rllv gettin ready to thrive. Although the pathogenic model sees sickness as an

,lrfical, emotional, mental,

sickness is giood for us and we can't learn to thrive without it. Some of the rrr,st horribly sick times in our lives can be the most important to the improved rlrrirlity of our living. Sickness is our body's essential first and fastest response to ,rrrvthing that challenges our well-being. The sickness response is a set of physi-

t8o rJ,

lt lttrtlnvttt litr ltt.

il
i' ,,llt( ('s sttclt as ttr;tirrt;rirrirrg corrtrol
rr rnr)l('rrreaninfl'ul
,,tlr,,r, lt'cl
lre lplcs.s.

I tt'ilitt.t, tlrrou.t,lt llrt I lorril,lt l itrrL,

He identified this sense as incrrrrl ing being able to comprehend what is happening to us (our expranatory styrt,), find meaning in it (framing), and mentally manage (creative

from it. Healing does not necessariry involve curing or fixing, but it always inv.rvt,:, what the integrative feeling medical sociologist and positive psychorogiist Aar,rr Antonovsky has called a "sense of coherence.,,,

ittt'ltlsivc cxlll;ttt.tlor.y slyltr. lt t:;rrr lrr:lp rrs rrrotlily orrr llrlicl.s, virlucs,;rrcl llrc st.r.r we tell otlrselvcs aboul our lives so tlraI wc lccl rrrorc connectcd wiil,r lilc;r.s,r response to our iilness which caused us to feel so disconnectecl

,,rrr,rrl,;rlrlt';rllililv lo lrr'irl;rttd ltt'eonrt'sltonllt'r llrrottIlr ottr ttittttritl;rtl;rplivt'

ol orrr owrr cottsciottsttcss, lr;rtttittl-i t'vcttls

wltt'rt llc contrasted the healing and tlrriveability ol oLtr [cttt'nrl

ancl nranagcablc wirys, irtttl respottdirtg Io clurllr:ttlics

rl rt'sistirrrce with what he called GIlDs, generalized resistancc dcl'icits. til(l)s have been the primary focus of pathogenic psychology. 1'hey ;rrt' llrt'
Irr',,r;ors in our lives and the frailties in our character. Antonovsky has srrggt'slt'tl

because something caused

This healing component of thriving is what Antonovsky described as consciou.srv composing a more coherent life, one that somehow now seems more logiurl

it

consciousness).

rlr.rl lol tlrose who thrive, even these deficits seem to serve as stimLrli tow;rrrl ;r ,r, rr',rntl strongersense of coherence. Forthrivers, chronic stress, actltc;ttttl stttl ,l, rr lilir clranEies, and daily life hassles become grist for the mill ol'tlrcir t'vt'r
'

it to seem so illogical.

l,

r,r'

lollinf consciousness.

Antonovsky did much of his research as a professor at the Department of trrt, Sociology of Health at Ben Gurion university of Negiev in Beersheba, Israel, Irt, was one of the first researchers to focus on the difference between a pathogenic approach to understanding human functioning and what he calred a salutogenic orientation, looking for what's right with us rather than what,s wrong and how we can find meaning in the madness of our lives.

l,ikc lleethoven, they are able to remain in creative control of the ir own ('()rl even at the times of the most dreadful disappointments.'l'hev lrt';rl lrt' ,,rrrrposin a more fully developed, adaptive, and creative way <tf vicwirrli llrt'rrr ,, lvcs, their lives, and the world. Thrivers don't surrender mental cotttrol lo llrlir , rllr rrll world or allow their internal life to be dominated and dishevc:lctl hv ortl ,rrk' t,vcnts. In other words. thev are skilled healers able to make their livt's wlrolt'
,r rousncsS

.r,t,tlll.

Remainingthe Composers 0f Our Consciousness

Antonovsky's sarutogenesis refers to our natural human strengths virtues and our capacity to develop an increasingly
anrr

As

you have read, Kobasawas among the first researchers to study ltirrrlint'ss

,,rrtl lrow we can become stronger because of the stressors in our lives. Csikszcrrl

rrrrlr:rlyi was a pioneer in examining our state of consciousness rather than cxtcr
rr,rl

It focuses on our ability to hear as Beethoven did, by remaining the composers ol the content of our consciousness no mafter what externar events impinge uporr it. From out of the painful humming din of his hearing
and conveyed through his music a sense of coherence that moves our sours. Even as he became sicker and his hearing worsened, his healing progiressed to ailow

adaptive explanatory systenr.

l;rctorsastheultimatesourceof ourhappyflowingthroughthetrialsol'ottr

loss, Beethoven founcr

lrlt's. Antonovsky's questioning of the almost exclusive pathogenic point ol' vicw 1'l,rve d a major role in the evolution of positive psychology. All three of these pos rlrvc l.lsychologists assert the importance of remaining the composers of our cott
',, iousness as

the key to thriving.

I

important than what we choose to mentaily construct as our inside world. wherr we confront a trauma in our lives and say we are "trying to pull ourserves together,, or "get it together," we are referring to putting
achieve the kind of life lucidity that Antonovsky called a sense of coherence. Antonovsky has referred to our capacity to thrive as a set of GRRs, generarized resistance resources. Instead ofstudying pathogenic factors such as externar chronic stressors, acute life changes, and daily hassles, Antonovsky studied our
182

through his suffering. somehow, hc made sense of the senselessness of a deafness imposed upon a musical genius. Similar to Kobasa's theory of hardiness and csikszentmihalyi,s concept of flow, Antonovsky's "sense of coherence" views what happens in the outside
worrd as less

him to find meaning and manageability

'l'hrivers tend to be hardy souls made stronger through their stress anc[ ablc

in and flow with life. They aiso are miraculous hta l s whose explanatory systems work in tandem with their psychological imntttttc ',r'slcms to allow them to become a strongerwhole than before their stress.
I

, bccome joyfully immersed

t tttotionsl and Menraluealing

The field of psychoneuroimmunology has clearly established that our plrvs

our lives back together again to

rological immune system's cells (T-cells, B-cells, antibodies, etc.) are al'lirclt'tl lrv what is on our mind. What we choose to believe about our world arttl lilt' rrltirnately becomes our biology, and prolonged periods of stress or deprcssiott ,rlc known to suppress immune function. As you have read, research in ltosi(ivt'

lrt

I lt'ilittt through tlr t torril,lr 'l ittrt:

l).s.ycllologv lr;rs t,slirblislrctl llrirt wc;rlso lrirve ;r l)s.yclrologic;rl irrrrrrrrrrc.sVSlt,rrr llescarclt l'r,rn tltis l'iclcl slr,ws tlurt strcs.s;rrrcl atrversity carr rc.sulI irr lirrrrrs,r "psychoinfectior"r"

il:f;:;H"

that elicit the sickness response in much the.same way il);rr ,rrl our phvsiorogicar immune svstem to make us
feer sick wrrirt,rr

il!rr\'{'rri rrurkc Ilr;rI clroicc.'l'hey cnthr;rce attd cn[a[c r;rtlter Ihan deny tlrcir sick',, ,. Ilrlv;rccepl sickrrcss ils a neL:essary part oI living anr.l growin$ and weave it
,',1,,

llrlu cvolving life story.

,, lrn\(',
.,,lr'ttt.

lnstead of feeling inconvenienced by their sickness lhcy use it as a consciousness catalyst for modifying their explanatory

part called the hypotharamus) signals the body to go into its automatic sickrt,sr, mode' wthin an hour or two, we begin to feel that we are ,,coming down wirrr something" or are "under the weather." we might develop a fever,the sign tlr;rl energy is being spent by our body to fight off an invasion of some kind. To .sav. energy, we lose interest in food, sex, and exploring ana Ooing tningr. Then to charfe us up, the "sickness roop;, .urr., us to feel anxious or asitatcrr, and the catabolic, or energy-burning, horrnone cortisol you read about in chaptt,r 7 is secreted in large amounts. nu* tnounil doctors have long mocked the icrc;r that going out in frigid temperatures witho-ut a jacket can increase our chance.s .l catching cord, the discovery of the sickness roop between the immune and nerv ous system shows that our mothers were right when they said, ,,wear your jackcl or you'll catch cold." Just the emotionally induceo stress of feeling cold can acti vate
a

that any form of strt,r,, from being cold to hearing terrible news, taps into the same immune-brain that triggers the sickness response. when we are stressed, our brain (particur,;rrr' 'r,1r

circuit" in the form of an immune-brain

Psychologist Steven Maier's research shows that we have a built_in ,,sickrrr,.,.,

loop.3

It

seems

llrrivcrs are what positive psychologists call "benefit finders." Psychologist tr rlrrl McAdams has suggested that thrivers treat their trauma as opportunities i,, rr' ..r.('irtc their life narrative and to structure a life storv with more coherence ,rr,l rrrt'irning than before their challenge.u
,,\n crnergiingl

positive psychology literature on posttraumatic growth or SIG

r trr,s irrduced growth), indicates that benefit finding is one of the key charactr rr',lit'S of the thriving response.'lt is not just changing our mind about our !ri'r",, brrt also is manifested in a new way of interacting with others and the world rrr 11t'nt'rol.8 The families of the thrivers I interviewed reported that these benefit Irrrrh'rs showed clearly positive changes in how they related to their spouses and
, lrrltlrcr.r.

At its simplest level, the Beethoven Factor is essentially benefit finding rl lirnes of the most severe life challenges.

',trt't'ivsl of the Sickest

What is sickness for? Why does disease exist at all? Why is there stress in our lrr,r'sl'If these thins are not essential, why hasn't evolution gotten rid of them? lt llrc severe stressors ofheart disease, cancer, serious mental illnesses such as
,1,'pression and schizophrenia are not necessary for life, why haven't the laws of

immune_to_brain circuit.,,,, Stress makes us sick because both our physiological and psychorogical imrnunc systems are in effect making us sick in orje, to make us well.

tn. .tung.u ou., time in mood and cognition from day to day a.e driven by events in the immunr system of which we are unaware.,,, The brain . to our immune svstem. rhe psvchorosi."r the constant chatter between our immune system and our brain. Dr. Maier pointed out that we have

sickness loop, Dr. Maier stated, ,,In a real, trut, sense' stress makes you physically sick. In addition, many of

our immune systems which in turn ca' cause us to become sick. In describing the nature of the

i-;:;:TffJJ:l1'irrn,H'"Tf;f

l),rrwin's theory of natural selection done away with them? These are questions being asked by the fascinating field of Darwinian medir rrre th&t is related to positive psychology. The answer seems to be that sickness
r,,

"a complete, bi-crirectional

;r

built-in evolutionary experience essential for our long-term well-being.n

We

lt't

sick so we can learn to heal, and by learning to become whole again, we learn

TheBeneJit Finders My interviews with thrivers indicate that they are good at resisting ilrnes.s and' if they do become they are tarenteJ ut r.urnrng through their sickness and finding benefit within 'r,it. Life presents uil or u, with turning points and serious illness can be one of those points, but only for those who choose to turn.
r8+

to thrive. To be strong and get stronger, we need to be sick and learn how to llrrive through our suffering. None of us escapes illness, but each of us has the ,rpportunity to heal and thrive because of it. Without the discomfort associated with fighting off infection and other r lrallenges to our physical and psychological immune systems, the healing t omponent essential for thriving is absent. When I lost control of my bowels ;rnd vomited dozens of times a day during my several rounds of chemotherapy ;rnd whole-body radiation, I had hours of negative thoughts and feelings. I se emed to need these as a way of purging some of the pain of my cancer, and I
185

'I'ltt

I\ ttlntwl

l\n tor

W
ls
csserrliirl

l lhlitli

tlrroul',lr

rlrr

lorril'lr

itttr'

cvcrttually catlte Io scc tltesc nterrt;tl ;rncl crrrotiorrirl syrrrptorrrs my healing.

l.

t,,llr lollt'r .rt sclrool. ll's trot lirtt lo irlwlvs

,,u r,rn go ttlt;rg;titt."

llc dowtt, bul it's okay il'yott ktrttw

once I realized that my suffering was an important part of my healing, I w;r, able to get ever so slightly stronger and began to tolerate my treatments wirlr more ease. lzzie said, "I think the reason some people haven,t learned how r' thrive is that they've been so interested in staying healthy that they haven,t
ht,crr

our cancer unit philosopher, and patients and staff cried for days. All of uswill never forEiet her. ''lr,'rrslrr died, the
As yorr lrave read, l)atsy often served as

[\'r' nt'vt'r saw her feeling sorry for herself. Except immediately after a harsh dose

sick enough yet to learn how to heal." ,_r Patry s LessonsJrom Sadnex

,'t r lrt'rrothrapy, we never saw her without a boundless childish energy that that of healthy children. Her lesson about the naturalness of ' ''nr('(l t{) exceed ,r,lnlss and how it can get our attention to the happy times helped all of us in
,,r

rr lrt,irlinQ.

question how my deep and pervasive sadness about my cancer could play any r.lt, in my being able to thrive my way out of my predicament. I kept asking mysclr, how can this sadness be useful? why do I have it? why do all of us on this canr:t,r unit have it? what possible role in healing could such a bothersome feeling play/ I understood how feeling and showing happiness cause us to be more oul going and socially more appealing, and give us more initiative and perseverancf but my sadness often seemed to push people away or make them uncomfortablt,. I understood why my physical systems caused me to vomit in response to the tox ins being injected into my system, but why did I have these distressing,
,

I cried every day during my cancer treatment. I was already working on this book about thriving by interviewing thrivers on my cancer unit, but I began r'

t' t

ittti

tr

g Our

P gt

choimmunit)

l)r. Maier's research shows that our negative feelings such as sadness and other ,lr.ssors can enhance our psychoimmunity. As you read in chapter 7, we seem to
,

nlr;urce our psychoimmunity by gaining trauma-adapting experience. Dr. Maier

rrrrlt:d out that "stress is another form of infection. And the consequences of stress

1,,

.rrl rrrediated by the activation of circuits that actually evolved to defend against
rrrlct'tions."10 If we think of the trauma and tragedies in our lives as emotional anti-

l,r'ns, and understand that illness is a message from both our psychological and l,lrvsiological immune systems to slow down, think, and find new meanings in life
tl

sad

em.

it did not serve some evolutionary purpose. one out of ten of us will experience serious depression in our lives, so it must have some adaptive reason to persist in the human psyche. As she had done so many times for us, tht, little girl in the room next to mine in the bone marrow transplant unit helperl me crystallize my thinking about the thriving role of sadness.
an emotion if
Patsy was only nine years old, but her cancer had caused her to know morr pain, suffering, and sadness than anyone should have to endure. she visited

tions? How could they possibly be of any help to me? As I delved deeper into my study of the thriving response, I began to think that sadness is as essential to healing as happiness. It would not have survived as

rlorrflh the sickness response being offered us, we are better able to thrive. 'lb heal is not just to get or feel better. It means usinpi our sickness to

rnslruct us in new and deeper meanings about who we are and how we are choosrrrll Lo construe our lives. By learning through and from our sicknesses, we can
,lrst'r)ver what

it

means to more fully appreciate our times of wellness. We often

,l,rrr'l fully pay attention to the daily delight of just feeling giood untilwe feelvery ',rt'k. When sickness passes, we too quickly forget about the deep longing we felt

t,r' the days of ordinary wellness and the promises we made to ourselves about
would not take our health for granted. Like all thrivers, I will never again take one single healthy day for granted. Itlv l-rope in offering this book is that those who have not yet suffered deeply will I'r'Iin to enhance their sense of hardiness, happy flowing, and coherence before llrey are forced to do so. I have learned to relish the ordinary magic of wanting l, cat, being able to eat and hold food down, being able to take a full breath on
lr,r1y 1tr's

with

me several times during her stay on the unit, and she was the poster child for thriving. she wheeled herself into my room one day while I was crying. I tried t, quickly dry my eyes and compose myserf, but she said, "rt's okay, Dr. pearsall. I cry all the time too. My minister says we need to be sad because this is a sad tim* for us. Being sad is only bad for us if we are sad because we are sad and we are never happy at all. when I cry, I think of all the happy things I miss, and then r remember them more, and then I sometimes feel happy aEiain. It,s like the big
t86

nrv own, wanting

to make love again. Every time I

experience the sickness

r('sponse of a cold or the flu, I use these times as reminders that I am lucky to lrc alive to be sick, just how wonderful and sacred every moment is, and how I

r'lrerish every single day I spend free of the agonizingi pain of my cancer.

187

T
Jttst like

t It'ilitN tltt,'rylt tlr I lot

rilh I intt'

Iltc,tlter Iltrivers, rrry lile

feels more comprehensible. It seems to lrave ageable, and perhaps the gift of the

tion to you to begin your healing now even before you feel sick.

secllls llrorc autherrtic rr,w bccarr.st,rl rn'rc nreaning arrcl Ieel more n)irl thrivers you have read about is their invil,r

rrr.rrr ',,rr(1,

"'l'lurt's okirv. StlV wltt'rt'vott lrrtr. I rc;rd yottr llook ithottI trtir;tclcrs lrtttl

tz/Z and ght

I met two healers today. Just before I sat down to work on this chapter, I rrrt,l two men at different points in their healing and thriving journeys. I had takerr ;r break from writing this book to go christrnas shopping. compared with my wili,, I have very littre shopper's stamina. I often te' her that her shopper,s math ,l "spaving" or "spending to save" that provides much of the energy behind hcr

shopping eludes me. To regain my strength and patience, I sit down in the mall and people_watcrr, I am often joined by several other men seeking escape from shopping or sent t, wait and package-hold by wives not wanting to be srowed down by their hr_rs bands' reluctant sulking pace. Like group a of children sent to the principal,s office, we usually sit in a kind of .mbarrurr.d silence, but today was different. rl was there that I met the two men who are models of healing, the third compo, nent of the thriving response.

,"ur (,ul('('r. You will uttderst;rttd wlrtrI we irrc [;rlkirtQ about." 'l'l rt llrrce ol'us talked until the fireman's wife and children came to Set him. llr,' lrrcnrirlr spoke of having nightmares and flashbacks of his narrow escape. He rrrl lrl wirs often awakened in the middle of the night by the sounds of tweeting, ilr, rroisc made by the homing devices that are activated when a firefighter falls. I l, ,rtltk'tl, "All of us guys who went through that day are changied forever by it. '.,r luvs both know what I mean. Sooner or later, you get stronger and recover rrIl fl{) (}11." 'l'lrc veteran answered with tears in his eyes, "l know I will never be back here t,rr ,rrrrrtlrerceremonyattheArizonaMemorial. Ithinkyouarerightaboutrecov' rrrryi, hut that has not been enough for me. It took me all these years to do more

fet over what happened. Something about the ceremony yesterday helped l r, lirrrrlly get past it. I felt so much pride and love for the guys I saw and the guys 'i, lost. I felt pride for my country and I felt good that I can go home now and trrr,rllv feel more alive again. In all these years since that day, I think I have only I','r,n surviving, but the ceremony yesterday made it all finally fit together for me. ll rv;rs very healing for all of us and I think itwill help us enjoy the rest of our ,lr, rrl lives."
tlr,rrr 'l'he fireman seemed entranced by the veteran's words, and I was encouraged

a memorial ceremony and had come to rest while his wife was "spaving" for souvenirs. one of the mall security guards was a Hawaiian man who recogni zed me.we exchanged greetings in Hawaiian, and when the guard left, the u.t.run said, ,,you are so lucky to live in Hawaii. It's so beautiful here, but it wasn't so beautiful when they bombed pearl Harbor' I will never forget that day." when I learned who he was, I immediatery began to ask him questions about his experience

on one side of me sat a veteran of the attack on pearl Harbor on December 7, 7947. on my other side sat a young fireman who had survived the collapse .l the world Trade center towers caused by the terrorist attacks on september 11 2001' The world war II veteran was in Honolulu for

t,r lrcar this wise old man put into words precisely what I was trying to write ,rl'orrt in my book about thriving. The fireman said, "So, it looks like I might be rrr lor about 60 years or so of trying to really get my life back in order?" We all
l.rrrghed, but I thought about the wisdom of the fireman's statement.
r r

It had been

r rrc than a dozen years since my near-death from cancer. Like the veteran, I had ',rrrvived and recovered, but I felt I was still in the process of trying to become

rrrore alive. Theveteran said, "Whateveryears the three of us have are more than IIrose who lost their lives. It's up to us to do more than just survive. Healing takes

,r vcry long time and maybe forever. You have rrrind, and that takes a really long time."

to get things together in your

The man on my other side stuck out his hand for both of us to shake. "Excuse me," he said, "I'm a firefighter from New york. I survived the collapse or. the towers on september 11. As a gift of atohq the state of Hawaii gave a rot oi us free trips to the islands." Looking at the veteran, he saluted him, and the vet_ eran saluted back. The fireman said, "I guess you and I have a lot in common. we're both survivors of attacks on our country.,, The veteran answered, ,,I am very honored to meet you. I'll bet we courd talk for hours about what we experienced." I got up to alrow the two men to talk direcily to one another, but the fire_
t88

on December 7.

The fireman introduced us to his wife and children, hugged us both, and left
ru'ith his family for a day at the beach. As he walked away, he turned and gave us

llrc thumbs-up sign. The veteran's wife arrived just after the fireman left. He
rrrtroduced me to her, and she said, "l hope he didn't talkyour ear off. He hasn't '.lopped talking since the ceremony atthe Arizona yesterday. I don't think I've rt'cn him smile as much as he has since then. He used to sit around and cry a lot, ,rrrd I had to be the one to $et him going. Now, the crazy old man even wants to

lry surfing. It's like he got new life from that ceremony."

tt( ttt't'lltrt1,ilt Irnlttt.

I lr'ilitt,r,,

tlrroty,h tlrc I lot

rilh I inr,

cotrDlc w;rlktrti irwiry, I Prorrri.st'd rrrv.scll l worrkl inclrrtlr irr llris r.lr,r;,1,, descrilltiott o1'our ttlectitrg irr the nurll. I [hought it. scrvcd,;rs an cxarr,lc,l ;.i,rrrg beyond survival and recovery to the more vitar whorene.ss
a

As

Ilrt

rrtlr',
, i.',

rr llrt'lrospit;rl, | rc[trl;rrlV lril

rr11,

owrr rrrcttl;rl "tlt'lctc" lltrttort. Iwotrlrl

revealed another important warning about thriving and healing, that it i.s rr.:.r,rrrrr to live long and never be healed. Healing is a choice to make the difficult.iorrilr, i to becoming whole agiain, not an automatic response that makes us feel gord ;rr,,rrr,

in so many thrivers. I thought the two men's experiences and hearing

oitlre true hcarirrg I r,,r,,

pr(,..{,1,.,1

it,

llrr'p;rirr I lr;rcl;rlrt:ircly srtl'li'rt'tl;rtrtl lrV lo lirrgct the krng strttgflc cLrct,rlrl rrrt.wirs still ;rhc;rd. llr, llrrrtl comp<lnent of Ant<lnovsky's sense ul'cclherence is meaningfulne.ss. ,1, lrrrr'tl llris way of cclnstruing life as "the extent to which one feels that life
'
rr ryl

| ,rrl

.., rl r ', ,r'ils(' t:rnotionally, that at least some of the problems and demands imposed

lr

;rrt worthy of investing energy in, are worthy of commitment and engage-

.,.

MakingSense af n

ell
,rrr

',t
,r

.rrrtl ;rrc challenges that are'welcome'rather than burdens that one would

,,,,r, lr r,rllrcr do without."lo In otherwords, for those engaged in healing, life mat-

guides to developing the strong explanatory style characteristic of thrivers, ;rl,rl ity to heal through the horrible times in their rives. Thrivers show his itrr,,r ,,1 comprehensibility by being able to make sense of whatever happens to thenr r,r,r,rr amid the disordered chaotic nature of life. For exampre, rzzie described the 1r;r,,,, ing of Mosha as "her great escape. she wourd have suffered in the most h.rrrrrr ways had she lived, so God saw to it that she could get away.', In a descripti,, ,,r the healing process that fits the reports of the thrivers I interviewed, Anton,r,rlr1. wrote, "Death, war, and fairure can occur, but such a person [thriver] can

The three components of Antonovsky's sense of coherence coflc.rrr

ti!t';rt clcal no matter what happens, and is always worth our full engagement. \\'lrrlt' Izzie had every reason to give up and disengage from life while in the r, ,tlr (;rnrt), he remained a full-time participant in the process of doing all he
,

',rl,l. rrrt'rrtally and emotionally, to shape his own destiny.'s He had an excellent i,,rr,r'llory" for the terrible tortures and horrors he witnessed and experienced, r'i,t lr( irlso had a very good memory for healing issues such as Mosha's invisible

,,,lr,",llir. Without these two crucial mental skills, Izzie's healing would have
!,, ,

rrrrrch more difficult.

They keep seeking to put their rives not only back together again but together in a stronger and more adaptive way.

sense of them."'l No matter what happens, 'r;rr,r thrivers remain mentally persi.srr,rrl
h;rt

r urilitrgMentalDiet
that thriving is notjust taking things and events into our conand reacting to them. It is a healing process throughwhichwe intenr r,,rr,rllv try to change the content of our consciousness and think in new ways to irrrrl nror coherence in our lives. Jean Piagetwas the renowned cognitive psylr,rlofiist who first applied the metaphor of eating and digesting to mental I'r,rt'sses.r6 I have used his work to help my patients understand Antonovsky's r rr',t' of coherence concept. In discussing this healing component of thriving, I 1'rrt l'i;iget's general concepts in the framework of a "diet book for the mind," and | ,,llt'r these principles to my patients as guides for developing a healing mind.
Yorr have read
, r,rrrsncsS

r,

The second component of mentar coherence is manageability. This wirv {rl construins life events refers to the extent to which we can see that we havc ;rrr available "match" between whatever events impact us and our way of thinrrirrll about and dealing with them. Antonovsky wrote, ,,To the extent that one lrrrs ,r high sense of manageability, one will not feel victimized by events or feel that litr. treats one unfairly. untoward things do happen in rife, butwhen they do oct.rrr, one will be able to cope and not grieve endlessly.,,,, To not grieve endlessly is a key to healing. It is a characteristic of those wlr,, have what Buddhist scholar Alan Watts ,,forgettory.,,r: called Watts used the c:9rr cept of "forgettory" to represent the counterpart of memory. He pointed out I lr;rl there are times when we need to have a bad memory and totally forget things tlr;rt happen to us. He suggests that we need both a good ,,forgettory', and memory r, be able to feel that we can manage the challenges of our lives. The emphasis on recailing everythins accurately may not always be helprrrl for thriving. sometimes we need our own mentai ,,delete,,key. when I was g.irr11 through my bone marrow transplant and was destined to spencr manv
mor{,
190

When we encounter a difficult idea or event, we sometimes say, "That's a lot t', rligcst," or "I'11 have to chew on that for awhile." If the concept is particularly , lr.rllenging to our current explanatory system or the way we construe the world,
r'r' nir! say, "That makes me sick to my stomach." You have learned that research ,'r psychological immunity shows that how and what we think about what hapt,, rs lo us can make us sick. It is also possible to becomewell by "feeding our, lves" a healthier mental diet. l)iaget used the word "aliment" to refer to a new idea, concept, or event that r' Iry to understand. Like food, an aliment is something that nurtures us and is 'r
,

191

I Itt lltrtlnyrrt lin

ttr

u
. \\lrlrr
rrruclr llrr,
rrr,r,r,,,

I It,lttt.t, tItt

'tr,r,,lt

tIr I Iu t tl'k t itttL'

llcctssilrv lttr ottr sttrviv;rl ;rrrd lbilil.y lo copc willr lile's stresscs.'l'lrc;rlirnt,rrl;rry canal is our digestivc sy.stent Iltat proccs.scs [lrc "alinrerrls" we eat,;rrrcl
same process is involved when we encounter a mental aliment suclr as b;uj or a stressful event. we have to take in what we encounter,

what we eat," that includes the mentar diet we are feeding ourserves. Piaget used the word "schema" to refer to the organizationof our thor,rgrrr,, and experiences in our mind. In a way, our schema eats and digests the arimcrrr,, of our living, those things our attention causes us to put on our minds. unlikr, other animals, however, we do not have to be passive mental grazers. we clrrr exert control over our mental diet because we can determine what goes
consciousness.

try to digest it ;rrrrl absorb it, and make it part of us. This "mental diet,'concept is not mcrr,r' metaphorical. our thoughts do literally "become', us. when we are told, ,,wc irrr.

votr fcl trlt;rrrd [ct rc;rtlv lirr Vottr tl;rv, rt'tttt'ttthcr Io t'ltt;r llcaltlty lllcrr r,,l lrlr';rkl;rst. lreccl yorrrscll' only Irappy, lurrcly, oltlitristic thriughts during I'r,,rlil;rsl. l)9n't rcad Ihe newspaper. It usually contains mosLly bad news. Talk ,''rllr vorrr l;rmily or just daydream about the good things in life.

i itrtr lt

. .

l,rvt' ;r lew mental snacks before lunch. Put some positive thou$hts into your ,,'ns( iousness by remembering positive events and the people you love.
I

l,rIt'
.r li

;r "consciousness break." Stop working and mentally reacting, and spend

All day every

into.rrr
rirr

w morrrrts thinking about what you want to think about, not responding l,,,rrrtl dealingwith an endless stream of outside pressures.

thought," we might also say, ,,Thought is food.,, when our schema assimilates ariments, it simply mentaily ,,eats,,whatevcr rl is we perceive and passes it through our mental system into our consciousrr.sr without sufficient mental digestion or significant change in who we are, or h'r' we are, or how we think. It is a process similar to gorging ourselves on junk fu'tl we may become aware of something, but we fail to attend to it. Attenli.rr researchers Thomas H. Davenport and John Beck wrote, ,,Awareness beconrt,r. attention when information reaches a threshold of meaning in our brains arrl spurs the potential for action."rT The word ,,assimilate,, is ,,to

doing so, we are creating our own consciousness. when we say, ,,Foocr

day, we are constantly feeding ourselves, ancr rr'

lrrrrinf lunch or any meal, use your "for$ettory" to avoid chewing on stale ,rrln(al fbod, old thoughts that upset your mental and emotional system. l,,r'uS or what you're tasting and the people with whom you are eatin$, not
lr,rlllcms. hassles, and stressful events.

. .

l,rvc a

nutritious mental lunch

by avoiding mental aliments such as work, war

,lories, or recollections of ongoinEi stressors. \r'oid "overchewing" (ruminating) on negative thoughts.

of the same substance." when we mentalry assimirate, our

responds and becomes aware but

defined as

becorrrr.

consciousl.l{-,s5

it does not change. when we accommodate, rr,l only what we choose to pay attention to and mentaily take in significanrry, changes. our consciousness and how it attends to the world are also alterecl. In learning about thriving, my patients have found it helpfur pay to m.rr, attention to what they were putting in their minds. They used the followirrpl
"mental diet plan" I provided as a tongue-in-cheek (another part of the diaesrivr.
system) way of learning about the healing aspect of thrivin.

lllt,'tt)oft . '\r,oid junk aliments. When you find yourself thinking hopelessly or angrily,
mental nibble on thoughts that calm you down. Always have a few posrl rvc aliments with you to snack on when you need them. Think of some of the lrt'st things that ever happened to you or a person you love dearly. Whenever r,orr fincl yourself eating nothin but junk aliments, take a bite of one of your
lrrrve a

lrt'llthier memories and chew on that for a while.

The Healing Mental Diet plan

Breakfast

. I vou're feeling sick, stay home and think about it. If you're really feeling blue
,rlrout your present situation, think about some of the realiy bad things that hapt){,ped to

'

your mental tone for the entire dav.

The moment you wake up, don't get up. Lie there and take a mental diet;rr' supplement. Think about why you are alive, your family, and the thrilr of bcirrg able to live another day. Remember, the first mental food of your day

you in the past and compare them with your Seneral life situation right rrow. Remember the positive psycholoy research finding that occasionally tlrinking about negative past events tends to lead to the most positive emotions.
1r;rrative

wilr

sr,l

't'lrc times when you're sick are good times to enga$e in the luxury of some com-

thinking that might make your present situation seem a little brighter.
193

192

sl

I tulitt.t, lln orrylt llrc I |orrilth

l iutt,

'

most important aspect of attention is not taking information in but.screeni',-l rl ,rrr

l(ctltt'ttlbcr [o slity ott ir strict ";rrlrcrurlirr rlict." wlrerr yorr lccl y,'r,.syclr,1ry,1,,qi imnlune sy'stcnt alerting yott ancl rraking you frcl tlurt yorr shoulcl liglrt or. llt.r., .,rr down and shut up. That means stop and krke time to brock the thought.s rrr,rr ,rr, upsetting your systems, ancr try to think of more carming images. Sometirrrr.:, rr'

' !!

,rhirV

lo

occ,irsiott;rlly

sliill wlurl ollrlls rrurv rlt'strilrt';rs rrrt'rrlirlly lreirlllry

t,,',,1', llr;rl irrc good [or you. Merrttrl dictirrg is irrlirrrnt'rl sclcctivc rrrcnl;rl t';rlirr{,

,'r,l tt'sr';trclt.shows Ihat dcnial c;rrr lrc;rs inr;lortarrI to hcalirrg;rs "lot;rl st,ll i,,,rr'\l\," irnd "lacing the fact.s."''

'

if they are children playing and don't focus on them or try to ,,<iiscipline ,, l l r. r' Just sit down' shut up, carm down, and wait a few moments before oirrrr rr,r, r, to your normal mental activities.

just sit back, prrr 1,,,r' feet up, and try to watch the thoughts going by in your brain. watch llrr.rrr ,,
a few moments

Take a "mental afternoon nap." For

just

r 1.,r'|),r rrrcrrtal dietary"pick-me-up"handy.Carryapictureofsomeoneyorr lovt: .,r ,,1 ,r lirvurite place or event. Wear a piece of jewelry worn by someonc clost' r,, \'()u wlro is no longer with you. Whenever you feel that your ment;rl digt's
lr\'r ',vslcm is becoming upset, take a dose of that mental aliment to scltlc vorrr '.llrrr. Such thoughts can act as mental "antacids."

Dinner

r ';' rr,rl Caution: It's not so much

'

Have a balanced mental dinner. Mentaily review the day from the persr)(,( rr\., of what you Iearned that made your life better or made you think ab,ut rirr, r,, a new more creative, and positive way.

what you eat but what is eatinfl you tlurl ,1y,r'ls yr)ur system. Take charge of what you are feeding your consciousll('ss.

o Don't try to feed yourself mental aliments while watching television or rrrrrlrr

\Vlrilc my patients and I had fun with the healing mental diet plan, ;rrrtl Ilrt' ,,itr{ nl:i {hemselves came up with many more mental diet recommend;tliorrs ol ii,, n i)wn, they said the basic idea that the thoughts we feed ourselvcs dirt't'llv
..ir1,1r
.,, rr

tasking. Good mentar digestion requires your fuil attention, so if you,re w;rr, r, ing TV pay attention to it no matter how simple and mundane it may bc. |).rr be psychologically absent by being mentally other places than where vou irrl

| 1y111'health and healing helped them pay more attention to how Ihcy wr,rt' Irr nle their minds,

on(' woman said, "l was laughing a lot about your stupid mental dict pro ., ,rrr rrrrtil Irealized that I was actually mentally poisoning myself with rregativr
'rr,l ,rrrllr'! thoughts about the past, present, and the future. I was gorging nryscll

Bedtime

Have a light and enjoyable mental snack before bed. Like warm mirk rrr.,rrr bed, thinking some wonderfur carming thoughts before you fall asleep wi, rrr rs, energize you for the next day.

',, (,,nslilnt junk thoughts and sometimes didn't even know I was eating thcrrr. ir ',.r', like automatically snacking on junk food and not paying attention to wlr;rt

'

thoughts as longas your mental diet is a calm, contented, and joyfut one. General Mental Healing o{et Tip s

Don't worry if you mentally feed yourself some junk aliments once in ir u,l rilr Your schema or consciousness digestive system is highly adaptive. It,s,rr,r\,ri. snack on the sad, angry, anxiety-inducing
,.r,rrt,r,rl

,','l lrow rnuch you are eating. I keep your idea aboutwatching my mental dict ', rrr\'nrifld a lot. It is really not that silly to know that the quality of my corrrr',r)rsS is a result of what I keep feeding it. That's a pretty heavy-duty tlrirrg
, ' tlrrnk about. I think it's something good for me to mentally digest."

,'

r t t

t I I cnling fhoughts

()rrr of my patients engaged in learning the thriving response said, "My lili' ' r'rt ious circle. I just got my life together after my divorce. My kids hatl ir lt'r

r watch your mental diet when you're sick! your psychorogical and physi.r,gi, ,ri
immune systems are strengthened by thoughts that help you accomrrr,rr,rr, what is happening to you, why you became sick, and what it takes to r)t,r,,rrr, stronger because you have been sick.

,t'lr lrrne inschoolandl justgotthemsettledwithagioodteacherand

, ,,, ,. I worked out and lost weight, and now my doctor tells me

tlrcrr slrc

havc lrrprrs.

ti,, l,t'ltcrthingsseemtoget,theworsetheyget. It'sjustonebigviciorrscirclt,." li,rsing my answer on what I had learned about thriving and lrclrlirrll, I ', rl.r.('Ll,"Youmightwanttothinkofyourlifemorelikeaspiral thurr;r cirtlr,.

194

I luliutl tltronyh

tlrc I

lorrillL t itrrr;

certainly not if you considered yourself cursed rather than .rr"ri..g.o ,, To help you work on your own sense of coherence, I,ve tried to state the ri)l lowing healing thoughts in mentally provocative and often paradoxical w;r'r, Even if you disagree with these ttrorgit, or find yourserf arguing with them, y,rr are still in the process of revamping your explanatory system and developin' ,, sense of coherence essential for healing. It's your own sense of coherence, rr,l mine or anyone else's, that is crucial r- tn. healing component oitr,rruing. tr you will take some time to contemplate these ideas, they might even help b,,sl your psychologicar immunity. At the very least, that could be used for somc ,l your mental diet snacks.
ome Healing Thoughts

ll yorr tlct:ide lo sce if its sl)irilling dowrr, llr;rl,.s lilrt,ly lo hc ils clirrcliolr li)r \,ol Yrur d'ctrir didn't scerrr t, hcrp yru r.rucrr by'rcserting the cha,cnge.r.y,rr Iupus without herping you comprehend its meaning frrr ytiu ancl how you rrillrrl decide to manage it' You can figure your way through this, but not if you tlrirrlr of yourself as going around in circres to keep hitting the same ord probrems;rrrrl

!,rl',' clttrnla ol't1our lluruqhls, ttol oltatqs lltc silttttlirnr. Sonrctilnes the ultigracefully give 'rr,rll lt'clittlj ol'control c:onrcs whctt wc kntiw wlren and how to rrlr l1yri1lg to corrtrcl the events in our lives. Sometimes managing a problem is I rr,wirr[ when it is not manageable and when it's time to just go with the flow.

\l,rhr some sense of gour sickness. Look for life meanings that lead to a sense ,,t rorrtrol even when circumstances seem beyond your control. Studies in rrrr srnll homes showed that patients who were being moved involuntarily to a rr, vr, l)r)me did better with the unavoidable stress when staff encouraged rather tIr,rrr lrelped them."

. tltttltr
||

the Art of Self-Disputation. As

if your own critical and hopeless

rot rfllrts were coming from an insensitive stranger unfamiliar with your true ',lrt'rrfths, dispute your own negativity.

.
S

li,' t"e(tson-able. Of course things happen for a reason. The challenge is to find

from Tlrrivers

llrt'ir purpose. Healing and thriving require remaining fully engaged with
,rrlvcrsity on all levels long enough to find or at least make up a good reason for

o what tte see is what ue get.If we define events as real, they become real irr their consequences. How we construe what happens to us has profound consr quences for what will and can actually happen to us in

rvlurl happens to you that works for you in managing it.

the long run.

. t \tnmend uour
rrr"irlly fragile

Protect gour oun sense of coherence. Don,t frame your problems or alrow otrr ers to frame them in ways that block your ability to .o-pr.h.nd what is halr pening to you from a meaningful and manageable perspective.

bodg. It's doing the best it can. The human body is neither natnor robust. It is a bundle of compromises that has evolved over llrc years. For each strength and advantage it has, it has a built-in price.

Sickness and its discomfort are the costs of our miraculous capacity to heal and
lrc well.22

'

and still capable of healing.'n

where there's the breath of life, there,s stirt time to find meaning in rife. long as there is a breath of life left within us, we are in some

r;o encoura5le them by

Don't refer to "your bad back" or "bad heart." They're doing their best, thinking positively about them. Remember, your psy-

s,
.

lrological immune system is listening.

measure hearthv
ltse aour psachological immtmitg to help gour phgsical immunity. Autoimmune tliseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are the healing price we pay for

t Don't let gour life be dictated bg death.Life is a sexually transmissible tion with a 100 percent mortality rate.

concli

Fighting that fact is futile, but we can enjoy being arive if we put our minds to it and take charge of what our lives will mean to others and us.

lraving such a strong immune system. Sometimes, the sickerwe feel, the more
powerful our physiological immune system is showing itself to be. What you think
;rnd feel about your illness may not save your life or cure you, but it can help boost

your psychological immunity so you can have a happier and more meaningful life.

'

Think "us," not "me-"whenwe get sick, we can choose to fight or take flight, tend and befriend' It's the second choice that leals to heating ancl ,Trffi-':T

)bu don't "haue" cancer, gou're "cancering." Cancer is the healing price we pay lirr having been given body tissue capable of growing and repairing itself. The
same growth process that creates life can get out of control and crowd

it out.
197

196

,t(

ttt,t

Illttltttll

I..tlt

l0t.

w
. il rrsl itt lltt' ltulittu

I lulint, tltrou,v,lt

tlrc I

Itt il,lr I inrc'

cattccr is ttol it "lhirrg" wc lr;rve, but il carr "lr;rvc rr.s" il'wc alkrw rt t() dclernrirrr the content of oltr colt.sciousrrc-ss antl thc cour.se ()l life. As horrible a.s it is, c;rrr cer is the natural process of rapiclly growing cells gone too far, so think of il ;' a process that changed once and can thus change again.
c

l)ottt(r tl'sttlllrirw. Sit:krrt:ss rn(rirns yottr lilc is ge ttitrg ltctt, r rrrol'tcrr vcry gr;rrirdoxic;rl or rlysterious witys. l)ain is madc wtirse by anger ,rrrtl tlt'sllair over the inevitable and necessary suffering all of us experience at

,'rrrt'litttc in our lives.

emotional and physical discomforts of menopause are natural occurrenct,s It is the price the females of our species pay so we will give more attention r, and invest our interest in the children we arready have rather than being cris tracted by the drive to have more of them. Think first of natural ways to recrucr, symptoms of what pathogenisists are often too willing to call a ,,disea.st,.,, Hormonal replacement therapies may not be therapeutic and may even be crarr gerous' Replacing painful knees may not help and might make matters wors(.. Before you ask yourserf what you should do about your problem, ask yourscrl what it is for. what is it teiling you about your life and your way of living, arrrl what can you do and think to grow through and because of it?

Don't relg on unnatural remedies for dearing with naturar processes. rtrt example, contrary to the pathogenic view that menopause is a disease, it i.srr,l The

t('tnl)er stress hardiness. If you've had a lot of sickness and suffering in your lrlt';rrrd learned to thrive through these stressful times, you may be stronger I lr, rrr rr rost people who haven't suffered as much. Even dogs can show immunot{ Dogs born and bred in a research laboratory are more likely to suc'utll)ness.24 , rrrnb [o sickness than their life-toughened dog pound cousins. The street
li,'t
t

',lr;rvs captured and sent to the laboratories seem to find at least a "dog-level"

l\nr(l of meaning through their street suffering as strays, and this allows them to lrirve more stamina. They seem to figure outthatwhile the laboratory is a

lrorrible place, they can rely on some of their prior stress experience to toughen llrt'rrr somewhat against it.

'

r, Feelings can follow behaviors, so you don't have to wait to feel connectt,tl before you show it. When you're hurting, don,t wait to be touched, start hol. ing on for dear life. From the youngest child to the oldest adult, the damage ,r physical and emotional stress can be reduced by the simple act of hugging, holding, and embracing. Research shows that doing nothing more than pick ing up a baby laboratory mouse and handling it for a few minutes each cl.r' strengthens that mouse's immune system.23

Reach out and touch someone. All hearing is ultimatery a form of reconnecti.r

gour "forgettory." Don't try to control in the present what happened in the t',rsl. Don't blame yourself for not having the right attitude or thinking enough I'ositive loving thoughts. We get sick and die not because we didn't have the
ist'

ririht attitude but because we are mortal.

. l'rimum non nocere.

(First, do no harm.) Don't hurt yourself by trying too

lurrd to cure yourself. Before you act, think and reflect. Healing is not only a rrrirlter of comprehending and finding meaning in sickness. It's also a matter of

Be a heale4 not a patient. Nothing promotes healing more than being in t'r, role of hearer to others. In the pathogenic moder, patients are ,,done to,, antl "treated." In the salutogienic model, maintaining a sense of chalrenge, commit ment, and control even when we're very sick is crucial to the healing process. Don't wait for flowers to be sent to you. send them. Don,t wait to be comforted. Comfort.

our situation with the right strategy and force. The trick seems to be to meet "the problem of the match." The challengie is to make the right choice ,rl fighting or givingi in. After getting all the information we can, we have to l\now when to match our fighter's skills to our problem or to match our "t'rrlightened quitter's" approach. We have to remember that strength is not
rrr;rnagling!

,rlways perseverance and that some problems are best dealt

with by disengag-

irrf and moving on.

Thrivers get good information about their condition and act assertively to it when possible. But remember, sometimes there is power in just w;riting and doing not much at all. In many instances, our sickness can get betlcr on its own, so just reflectively waiting is sometimes a healing act. Neurophysioloist Robert M. Sapolsky quoted a phrase that summarizes this principle. "ln the face of strong winds, let me be a blade of grass. In the face of
rt:mediate
;r

'Take "pain pauses." Look for and cerebrate even the briefest pain_free heartrry moments. Accept and learn from the sick times, and embrace firmry
healthy times' There could be no hearth without its opposite, sickness.
tht,

strong wall, let me be a gale of wind."'u

198
199

I ltt

ltttlnwr

I,:ntor

tf

c l?emarnlter tha ytutcr ol'positiut: p.sut:/toloutl. Wlrcn tlrings bccornc: rrnltc;rr;rlrh,, it's okay to mentally run away. pathogerric psych.logy say.s tlrat strategres sr( il

as intentionally deluding yourself, fantasizing, compartmenta|zing, crerri,rr, and all sorts of self-deception techniques are ,,sick,,'but positive p.sych.krll

to "transcenders" [thrivers] as people who ,,in the worst of times, envrsr{rtl themselves as elsewhere, imagine that they can do great things despite llri,' surroundings."'u when I went through the pain of my bone marrow transnl;rrrr. I told my wife, "I'll be leaving for Maui in my mind. I,ll be back after this r,,
over."

says they can sometimes be helpful. Social worker Katherine Northcraft rt,li.rr

r Hopingfor AII Times

"

Another Get-Well Cardfrom pqtsv

The lessons of thriving's hardiness, happiness, and healing you have rearrrr,rl so far all relate to a fundamental concept regarding the nature of healing ;rrrrl thriving. To find the sense of coherence, thrivers seem to be able to be ,,p:rlirr

Iivery

good thought

you think k contributing its share to the uhimstc rt'sult ol

Klt'i\t't'

dromatic" thinkers. A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same w;r' and means the same thing forward and backward (e.g., madam). You have read that thrivers have the ability to ,,go with the flow.,'They sct,rrr
to be able to swing back and forth with the stresses of life. They remain mentlrll' creative by looking for the comedy in their tragedy and remaining aware
t

t,our hJel'

-Grcnyill(

runingto

Be Optimistic

tragiic

in the comic. while their

of

rlrr,

general psychological trajectory

is

arwirvs

upward, they can dealwith sickness by thinking creatively in all directions. My cancer unit neighbor patsy gave me a get-well card. She had drawn a prr. ture in crayon of a little girl on a swing. she had written underneath it, ,,srrrrr, days I feel up, other days I feel down." when I asked her to tell me about the cirrtl. she went into one of her wise teaching stories. " It's like I'm playing on our swrr rFr at home and going back and forth and way up and way down. I would get afr;ritl sometimes when I was going way up high, but it was kind of exciting. Then,
wrrt,rr

,,Doctor, you have to help me," said the frustrated mother to the child psv irr , lri;rlrist. "I have two wonderful, identical, five-year-old twin boys. They difl'cr

,rnly one way. Steve is an eternal optimist and Stewart is an unrelentin$ pcs'.rrrrist. How do I balance them up and make Steve a little more pessimistic itrttl
titt,wart more optimistic?" The doctor answered, "That's easy. On their bir[hday, yott rrll Stewart's room with an amazing and overwhelming array of the best toys ,,rrr find. Fill Steve's roomwith a largie pile of horse manure." The mother s;rid
'.lrc thought the suggestion a
she would try it' to the therapist's o[l'icc' returned A few weeks later the disappointed mother 'Nothing changed at a11," she reported. "When Stewart saw all the toys, hc jttsl u,lrined and said, 'Look at all this junk. The other kids have newer and bettcr vt:r ',r,rns of these toys. I'm so unlucky I never get anything good'' When Stcvt

little odd but that

little bit up and a little bit down or when you just sit on the swing doing nrrlr ing. The fun is because you go up and down, up and down, up and down.,, Orr.r, a$ain, the thriving little philosopher had shown us another secret of the healirrr-r aspect of thriving.
a

I would gio really down fast, I knew I would be going higher agiain. you glet afr;rirr but you have fun and get excited anyway. you can't swing good if you just g.

rr;r

,,rcned the door to his room to find his $ift, he immediately began digging f ltrt' trrlly through the pile of horse manure. He screamed in delight,'You can't lixrl wcrt' rrrt,! wherever there's horse manure there must be a pony!'I'm afraid they
do about rrrst born they way they are and there isn't anything anyone can

it'"

Are we naturally born optimists or pessimists, or can we learn to be tltgrt'

200

'

I'ltt

lltY ll lltY

11

:1 u,'
1

r$

lftr/rir1i lot' All I inrc'

optimists, anri rr,l through mindless devices like whistling a happy tune or mouthing platitudes, brrl by learning a new set of cognitive skills."l These skills constitute the fourth f.trrr dation of thriving, a resilient and creative consciousnes s characterized by a pcr sistent hopefulness that helps us maintain an upward psychological trajectory.

getlcr;rlly positive itl ()Ltr 0tttl()0ki Accordirrg t0 l)r. Milrtirr li. 1,. Scligrrrilr), wlto ir, one of the .stron$est advocates f<rr tlre fiekl of posilive psychokrgy, optimisnl cir, be learned. He wrote, "pessimists can in fact learn to be

1,,':;t'rrrisrr.V trllorr
,rr,rrll(,ss, nralaise,

llrr worltl. llt'loll slrt'tottltl sl;rttr tlltr licl ll;rck dowtt, tlist';rsc, irrrd pllrrr grltrfrrt's lurtl sgrrttrrg lirrth l'rom tlre llox. At llttr lilsl

fod look pity ott l'andora and alloWed hcr to Clost tlr,. litl with one thing left inside-the antidclte that not only can rendcr lilt:'s

,nlrllg,

one Compassiottltc

rrrrrt.ries bearable but can make it possible for us to thrive through its adversitics:

tlr,rl rrragical antidote was hope' Wcbster's dictionary defines hope as "cherishing a desire with expectatiorr'"'' \ll ol us have desires and expectations, but my interviews of thrivers indiurtc lltlrt
,,rrrt'lr <lf the energy behind their upward emotional spiral is their "yes" hc;rrt ;rtttl , lrlrishing life no matter how many setbacks they are handed' are related to finding more meaning in lil'e atttl ttol lJecause their

,n,pyfulUeart
Dr. seligman is a professor of psychorogy at the university of pennsylvanirr. As former president of the American psychological Association, he gave tesri mony at the congressional meeting on the issue of preventive medicine. lk, emphasized the need for a more optimistic and positive psychology and pointt,rl out that there has been far too great a focus on what makes people sick and h.w to avoid these factors than on natural human strengths and competencies.,

Seligman's exploration of the nature of hopefulness (learned optimism) hrrs helped advance the field of positive psychology and done much to clarifv whv s, many of us manage to thrive through the trying times in our lives. Seligman's primary research interest has been in the area of the cornerstonr of thriving, our explanatory style. He defines it as the manner in which we habil ually explain to ourselves why events happen. He wrote, ,Your way of explaining to yourself determines how helpless you can become, or how energized, wherr you encounter the everyday setbacks as well as momentous defeats.
your explanatory style as reflecting 'the word in your heart."'3 He says that ,,worcl,, is a "no" or a "yes," and for thrivers that word is almost always ,,yes.,, while a lil tle rational pessimism is essential to prudent living, a hopeful heart is what Eiives our lives a joyful purpose and helps us thrive through the traumas of our lives.

Likt, Kobasa's research on hardiness (stress resistance), csikszentmihalyi,s work happiness (flow), and Antonovsky's studies on healing (a sense of coherencc).

..

oals pilt' ol tlrrrrgs, and their expectations are for a loving, joyful life and not a biggcr lly enctlttttlcr. they to1's, th! are able to make theirway through the "manure" tot rrsirrg their hope on the simple pleasures of life, they avoid setting lltetttstrlvt's rrp lirr the disappointment that leads to pessimism. They go far beyond a wislr lisl ,,1 llrilgs theywantto the more deeply personal goal of celebrating li[c irrcspt'c

trv. of its external circumstances. Because of this kind of hope, the world rctltititts ,r prelty great place, no matter what has happened to them' one of my patients who barely survived a heart attack illustrated the lilc ,lrcrishing kind of optimism and enduring hope. He said, "Before my ltclrrt
,rilack, I had

wish list a mile long and I could be a really cynical sourpuss wltctt tlrings didn,t go my way. I hoped for this and I hoped for that. Now I havc ir lot:used hope, to love and cherish my life as long as I can'"
a

I think

,r,

I'hc

Best of

ellrossibletYorlds

The Thriveri ,+ntidote

According to Greek mythology, pandora was the first woman. she was cre ated by Prometheus's brother, and the gods became jealous of her extraordinary beauty and presented her with the gift of a mysterious box with the instruction.s that she must never open it. As the gods suspected, pandora was unabre to
resist
le
I

If we allow it to, the trauma in our lives can focus our attention on whal wc rt,illly need instead of on what we have spent a lifetime thinkin we want. lf wt: ,,vcrextend and squander our "hope-capital," we end up squandering its immctlsc qxrwer to help us thrive when we really need it. One of my fellow cancer patiertts I :,;rid, "I was always hoping for this and hoping for that, but when I found out it to help nrc lr;rt-l cancer, I learned to stop spreading my hope so thin and used
crrjoy what life I had."

the temptation and lifted the lid to peek inside. The result of her curiositv
202

The kind of hope that constitutes the fourth component of the thrivittg that construes the world wtr I csponse is one based on a life explanatory system live in as the best of all possible worlds, even when things seem to go so terrihlv wrong. Patsy, the little philosopher you have been readin$ about, had a sinrplt' plrrase that all of us on the cancer unit knew well. When things seemed at thtrir

I ltt lltrIltoyut

!,:rtt Iot.

Tf
.srr. wrrrrd s;ry,

Il(rl'i,I lor All titttr'

Wlrv docs l,cibrriz's tlrirrking rnirttcr lo tltc tttocltrrtt worlcl ;rrrtl Dositivc PsV ,l1,rlo1l!i/lt ckres bectruse his del'initi()n ol'an optirnistic pcrsotl wils s()tllc()ll('wllo ,ril\,(,(l ilt a reasoned conclusion that eventually stlmething good will cotlte I'rtttlt ,, rl llt, dicl not see optimism as a state accepted on blind fail"h, a statc ol'rr;rivt' tr,rlDirrrss or feigned contentment or as freedom from setbacks and clis;rltpoittl ol ilil.il1s. Leibniz's concept of creative construinpi through adversity is tlrc kirrd itlt';r tlltr ,,t,lunism most related to the flourishing of thrivers throuSh crisis,;rtrcl rl,.rt ;rll life events can be defined in terms of a constructive Sioal statt. l,cihniz reasoned that if God is all-wise, then His wisdom allowcd llittr lo llrttt t.rrow of all possibleworlds. If Godwas all-powerful, then FIis powcr irlkrwt'tl

w,rsl l,r;rrry,r'trs,

wr, get the way." Despite the suffering she had experienced throughout her young Iife, r)irls' persisted in explaining whatever happened to her from the perspective ,,oh of yrs,, rather than " oh no." Because of her expranatory style, neither she nor her p;'. ents ever lost hope. After Patsy died, her parents overheard a medical re.sidrrrl crying. They heard her say through her tears, "A lot ofgood their hope did thenr., They went to the young doctor to offer her their comfort. They put their a.rs around her as Patsy's mother said, "Hope did everything for us. It was the ener,{v that kept us all going upward instead of feeling like we were always sriding back wards' Hope doesn't guarantee you won't die, only

"iley y'Lt

rjay.s,

,ol)c ()r.r.s gcts'ur w;ry.

Patsy loved to swing, and our hope kept swinging us up even after the many dowrr times' without it, we would have ruined our last days with her. Doctor, that,s trr. giood hope did us.,'

that you can enjoy livinfi.

ti, n.cirte whatever world He chose. If God was good, then llis ittttirlt' itrlirrrlr' ollrt'r lltlrtt l,rrotllcss would have made it impossible for Him to create zrtry w6rl{ (]otl's wotr tlrr. bcst of all possible worlds, Thrivers seem to catch a glintpstr ol ,l,.rlrrl world because they experience it in all of its intensely conlplcx, stttttt'ltlrtt'.'
,,rr.t'rable, but always wonderful glory. 'l'he optimism of thrivers does not mean that they are nttl itlso 1tt'ssitlttsltt" lo llrirrk l'I,r.rr when they feel pessimistic and down in the dumps, they sccttr ;r[lt'

Le[b niz3 L[gfuth e ar t ed

t ogi c

Gottfried wilhernr von Leibniz would have understood Thoreau's daily celebration of rife. Althoush Leibniz was one of the world's greatest logicians, he could also be seen as one ,1. the first cognitive psycholoEiists. He discussed optimism as a way of thinkin{ characterized by the reasoned judgment that good would predominate in somc way and some form over evil, even if that goodness was associated with and devel oped through suffering. Arthough teiling us that Leibniz had a brilliant mincr, one of my philosophy professors said that Leibni/s ideas were often based o, unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky, implausible, and often overly simplistic reasoning. valid logic or not, I found Leibniz's concept of optimism to be rife_affirming, helpful in developing my own explanatory style during my cancer, and related t. the current positive psychology research on optimism.
The life philosophy most often associated with Leibniz,s thinking is vortaire,.s parodistic phrase, "This is the best of all possibre worlds.,,s In his novel candida (1759), voltaire was highry critical of what he considered

Henry David Thoreau said he intentionalry used to stay in bed a few minutcs every morning to take the time to remind himself of how good life was and thal he was living in the best of ail possibre worlds. phirosopher

,,plintistically about their situation. They develop an optimistic nlctt[;tl lurbil pos positive lonf -terttt vicw ol l l tl rl rvr y.rsychologists call explanatory style, a generally ol'llrriv ,.r,t,rrtual outcome of even the most devastating circumstances. In ternls
rn11,

it doesn't matter if Lelbniz or Voltaire was right. It's Leibniz's way ol'tlrirrli lltirt rrrtl and explanatory style that demonstrates the kind of creative construin[

llrr thrivers I interviewed most often

showed.

As a result of their hard-earned insight, the thriver's optimism, or ho;lclitl tlrilkin5i, as I detected it in their interviews, is not only about them or thcir sltc , but also for the whole world no matter what the world seertrs lo

ilic situation

lr;rve done to them. Whatever kind of hope thrivers had going into

their tratttttits'

,rnd even if their logic didn't hold up to Voltaire's skeptical rationalism, tltcv ,,t.cmed to use their optimism to come out of their crisis with renewed [rusl itt tlre ultimate mysteries of the world and a hope that is infinite, sacred, and uncott
( r

crable.

that random chance determined the outcome of our lives, his satiricar summary of Liebniz,sthinking is more in line with how thrivers see the world.
204

optimistic perspective. while the critical and ever rational voltaire himself far from being optimistic about the world, and thought

the shailowness of an
wa.s

o \d,hat's

o Won derful?

Traditional pathologenically oriented psychology spends little time lgokirrg potenti;rl lo tirr what,s right with us and the world. The skepticism regardin$ our

tlrinking "thrivingly"

as expressed by

writers such as Sophocles, Nietzsche, lrrtl

lfreud notwithstandin$, the new positive psychology's research is showing tlr;rt

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other writcrs sucl) irs Socrates, Corrckrrr:trf , M.r.slow,;uld llogcrs lt;rcl it riglrt. Wr are capable of remarkable acts of conscious crcation alld of not berng just rit,rlr less victims doing our best to survive in a cruel world. Thosewho have notyet learned to flourish in their lives tend to see thriver:. as Pollyannas, but they are not. After one of my lectures on the hope compont,rrl of thriving, one man said, "It all sounds too pollyanna-ish to me. Life isn,r ;r:, wonderful as you're making it sound. It all depends

;rrrtl t,\,r,rr lurlt', lrtrt I lr;rtl lrltrrrtV ol tiltte to tlrirrk ;rrrc[ rclltrcI ,rl,,rrl [6c naturc gl tlrt: rrlivtrrsc, Ilrt' tttcitttittg ol'lil'e and deal,h, and wlry thc world

r,rrrslglrrirrf to ;rrr{t,r

.,r.r,rn(:Ll r

on my so innately lerriblc. Ovcr tirnc and after endless hours of working

\t)lirnatory style and with the help of co-thrivers such as my wife, family' caring league" rrrt.tlical staff, and thriving role models like Patsy, I felt a new kind of "big less personally, to see my lr, rpc coming over me. I began to take my misery much
permanent' l,.rrl luck much less pervasively, and to view my suffering as not being process. I Like the thrivers I interviewed, I learned that thriving is a lifelong

cnaos oI llfe.

or clinging to cheerful blind faith. They know well how tough rife can be, brrl their creative consciousness herps them develop their own individuar, unshak able, optimistic philosophy honed by their firsthand experience with the natur;rl

posed characterizelife. They would have no quarrel with Voltaire because thcir hope extends far beyond being upbeat, strong-willed, having a positive attitucrt,,

on your definition of wrrr derful'" I answered, "That's exactly it. It all depends on how you construe y.r, life and how you decide what will constitute a wonderful life for you. For mrsl thrivers, it's wonderful just being arive to reflect on such issues.,, Thrivers' optimism is born from their struggle to find meaning throufrr their painful experience of the kind of random chance events that voltaire pr.

,,rtrld see the suffering and agony all around me, but I finally came to think oi lr,rlh as evidence that the intensity of the energy associated with my pain might more alive. I knew that the onc l,,rrircloxically be creating a deeper sense of bein$ ,rrrc thing that would stop my pain would be my death, and as a result, I somcit mc;rnt I trrrres became worried when the pain would stop because I feared that
rr'rrs ctyin8.

'fhe loomin presence of death seemed to make life all the more real for tlttr befortr' I ,rrrtl made me want to embrace life more fully and intensely than ever w;rs possible worlds all of lrt'Qan to sense that living in what seemed the worst
tlrirl ,rllowing me the opportunity to sense the paradoxical and mysterious energv or ttnlcss suffering deep r,rr;rs associated with a world with wonders that, without rvr: learn to thrive before we suffer, may always be beyond our comprehensiott.

rational ism, my interviews indicated that they ail seemed to eventualry come to the poinr in their thriving that caused them to embrace this worrd as the best of alr possi ble worlds and their rives as the best of all possible lives, even when their rivcs seemed so much worse than other lives and their worlcr so much crueler. Their crises somehow had caused them to carry pandora,s last gift forever in their hearts and minds, allowing them to cherish their lives and world with great
expectations.

but it,s what they eventualry do with that news that ailows them to thrive. rn the lonf run, they don't let it get them down, and they keep their psychologicar trajectory up. seligman's research shows that they do this by the three ps. They don,t takc ne$atives personally, see them as pervasive, or consider them permanent. whether or not ail thrivers subscribed to Leibniz's faith or voltaire,s

Because of how thrivers come to construe their world, any degree of stress or suffering becomes further evidence of the intensity of being fulry alive. Thcy don't necessarily take bad news any differently or better than pessimists,

o\mpk-SizeHope
I have a neighbor on the Bi$ Island of Hawaii whom you may know of. llis swimminf rrame is Matt Biondi, and he was a member of the 1988 U.S. Olympic wake-of I0am. He was expected to follow in the footsteps-or should I say, the ly, Unfortunate gold in 1972. medals r llympian Mark Spitz, who had won seven missed ;rdversity struck. Matt finished a disappointin$ third in his first event and
rigorous tlre gold medal in his next event by milliseconds. A life of sacrifice and training had resulted in terrible disappointment. Everyone thought that Matt's irr tlevastating defeats would result in his recovering only in time to win a medal power of ho;lc, orre of his future events. But they had greatly underestimated the o1rtimism, and the thriving response' Biondi not only survived and recovered from his defeats; he went on to win I askttl tive gold medals in his next five events.In preparin$ to write this book, I was acttt Matt about his extraordinary achievement. He said, "l never lost hope.
seemed trr rrlly becoming more optimistic than ever because of those losses. They

Hopingfu Lfe
when I was dying of cancer, I often wondered about and sometimes doubted and cursed a supreme power or universar force that wourd alrow cancer ancl caused children like patsy to suffer and die from it. I could feer my waning hopc
zo6

thrivcrs irwaken a new resolve within me." Biondi's statement reflects the way
t07

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managc l.o corlstrue l;riltrrcs trrrcl sctlxrcks in srrclr ir wiry tltl[ [hcy bcctllrc clt;rl lenges more than problems and inclicators oi wlrat. needs to be ckrne lrexr nror(. than what they failed to do. Dr. Seligman would not have been surprised to hear of Matt Biondi's victori ous comeback. Earlier in the year of the olympics, seligman had done an expcr

Voltirirt satiriztcl tlril[ cv(|rr witlr its r;rtttlottt ltitrslttrcss, thc world is still as be.'lhrivers shtlw the ultimate l,ir.btriz's vicw antl truly thc besI it could possibly

them even at the worst of times t,,r.ilr 0f l-rope, the benefit-fincling skill that allows have and will still have to live in it' rrr tlrc world to feel gratitude for the time they

iment that predicted Matt's thriveability.6 As part of a study conducted at ;r swimming demonstration event designed to showcase Biondi's best time, his coach was asked to tellMatt that he had earned a time slower than he actuallv
had achieved. seligman's study was designed to assess the impact of ,,bad news" as related to optimism, and Biondi did what thrivers do.

'l'he word "optimism" derives from the Latin word opt meaning "power"' we hope' we intentionally ,rrrrl also from optimus, meanin$ "the best'" When best of the way ,'xrr[ menta] power over our consciousness to help us make the an "apt attitude"' the view that thins are apt | | rings turn out. Hoping is having

|rlc:lran$eforthebetteroratleastbethebesttheycanbe'Thisisthewayof word. It is feeling and tlrinking that teaches our heart to say seligman's "yes"
that faces us' tlrinking thatwe are apt or suitable for the challenge

when he received the surprising and disappointing slow time, he remained

mentally engaged, construed his "failure" as a challenge rather than a problem, and tried again. This time his time-which was already actually very good-was even better. He did not just show resilience. He seemed to get stronger and thrivc

ltrving an Apt Attitude

the negative feedback. when his other less optimistically thriving teammates received their false slow times, their second scores were lower than their first.
because of

Leibnizi Hope or Murplgt's Law?

Hope is the counter-emotion to despair.

to be called "the power There is a subtle difference between what has come I detected in the thrivers' ol'positive thinking" and the kind of hopeful optimism and personal pep ,l.hey did not engage in rote statements of positive affirmations an explanatory system that lalks. Instead, they were busy working on developingl their lives' Their feelings of could accommodate the changes and stressors in committed to optimism lrope seemed to stem from a consciousness of creativity them' no matter how many bad things happened to hopeful theme that In my intenuiews of thrivers' you will note an underlying lives' They show a hopepermeated eve4r story they told themselves about their

It

is the emotional antibody our psy-

chological immune system provides for us so we can avoid falling into the apathy and depression of adversity or the languishing of those who never learn to thrive. It helps alter our psychological trajectory back up to an upward direction after life events force it downward. Like hardiness, happiness, and healing, hope does not just happen to us. You may remember that lzzie said he was not,,an optimist by nature" and had to "work at it." we can all choose to work at it by following the model of thrivers-by cherishing our opportunity to remain engaged

those imposed upon them, |ulness based on acceptance of their limitations and of the possibilities still open to them l-empered by a clear and creative assessment

for$rowththroughtheirchallen$es.Asbesttheycan,theynotonlyreturnto normalafteramajorsetback,butseemabletotranscendwhatwasusualfor life because of their lhem to discover an even more authentic and meaningiful
suffering.
and toward the expecgeneral mental momentum is away from the role of martyr

in a full life, and constantly modifying our explanatory system to one that allows for expectations for better times coming from the bad. Even if we have to fool ourselves to do it, thinking hopefully is crucial to the ability to thrive.
Hope is a way of feeling about life, and optimism is the way of thinking that makes us feel that way. Because we determine the content of our own consclousness and are the ones who feed ourselves our own mental diet, we have the choice

Thriversdonotbrin$theirsufferinguponthemselvesbyanactofwill.Their

will be is how eventually tation that how they think and imagine their world

it

of using Murphy's Law or Liebniz's philosophy as our guide. we can worry as Murphy's Law warns that anything that can go wrong will, and think that we are like the tiny ball rolling around the roulette wheel and by chance dropping into
winning or losing slots. If we elect to thrive, however, we can be guided by Leibniz's
zo8

turnsout.onethriverwasag7-year-oldTaiwanesewoman.Shehadendured poverty, and recently lost several serious illness most of her life, lived in abject me, "If you think of your life members of her family in an earthquake. she tord that is what your garden constantly being destroyed by drought and wind'
as a

garden that keeps regrowlife becomes for you. If you think of it as a flourishinEi how life will be for you"' ing even more beautifully after each storm, that is

209

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Another example ol'the thriving sLylc ol holrcfitlrrcss is tlrat el't[e ygrrrrg mother of a five-year-old girl dragged from the safety of the porch of her home whilt,
playing a board game with one her friends. She was found days later at the side ol the highway, raped and murdered. when the distraught mother giranted an intcr.
view to the news media and a reporter asked how she was coping with her tragic lo.ss and its horrible circumstances, she responded tearfully but with a thriver's hopt. she said, "I have to make every cell in my body all over again just to get through thr:

wlto ltitd t:ottttl to trlv 1t;rlrcrrls w,r:,;r lrlrvrir'i;ttt wllo dcscriht:tl ,,orr [.,ld hcr Shc Wils "(rX( ('sSiVt'lV tttootlv." llcr sott Was a tlttlrapist

clittic ltt't'lrrtst'ltt'r

said he was worricd sllc "llacl totr lrirrrsclf as a "traincr irr pOsitivc tlrirrkirrg." she

rlrtrc|rne$ativeenergy',andwasnot..thinkingpositivethoughts.''Shcsiricl,..My really agrtrtr' .,()n seems to think I neeil to work on my moodiness' but I don'l jump around smiling and announce it to tht: Wlrcn I'm in a good mood, I don't it' When a bad mood comes over me' I likc
r'vorlcl.

next day. I have to remake myself and my life, but I will do it because of what hap. pened to my daughter. I will always be Samantha's mother, always. Nothing changes that. It's my love for her that will help me remake my life.', Despite this mother's grief and rage, and with stress hormones surginf through her body, she remained hopeful about her life. She refused to allow her identity as a mother to be taken from her. Her hope was based on the creativity

I don't make a bi$ deal about is causin$ my mood' I thirrk to l.hink a little about what is on my mind that I don't rsirllv my pensiveness for not bein$ positive enou$h'
(,lrarlie is mistaking

w;rl.tttobeapositivethinker.Ijustwanttobeathinker.Iflhavetothinkirhrrttt ;rlwaysbeingpositive'Ican'tthinkabouttherealissuesinmylife'"

not trying to contrivc or litkc This doctor,s words express the importance of our moods rather than just tryinf to clurtt[t' ;r Dositive mood and of learning from
conduct' llrcm to fit the current psychological code of

of her consciousness that allowed her to travel the path of reconciliation, even though the pattern of her life had been ravaged in one violent act.
The Adttantage of BeingtWoody

whqt GoodlsHoPeT
Pathogenicallyorientedpsychologyoftenseeshopeanditsasstlciatct|rr1t[i
Psychologist Lionel Tiger defines optimism as "a mood or attitude associatecl with an expectation about the social or material future-one which the evalua-

rrlisticphilosophymuchastheplaywrightSophoclesandphilosopherNictzscItt. tlid,aswaysofprolonginginevitablehumansuffering'TheassumptitlnS(lcllttsttt

tor views

as socially desirable, to his or her advantage, or for his or her pleasure.',' Popular psychology has tended to encourage putting up a good front, but often

llethatitissomehowmorematuretojustfacethecold,hardfactsof|hecrtttl to think optintisti dispense with the mental games of tryin$

optimismasessentialtosurviving,recoveringfrom'andeventuallythrivirrf
l.recause of

neglects the more difficult issue of how our consciousness works. Most self-help books say that we are supposed to think positively and try to at least show thal

rcalities of life and positive psychology' however' sees hope irrtd cally. The saluto$enic orientation of hard facts," only events that adversity. In this view, there are no "cold, meaning to' and learn to mentally we mentally comprehend, assign our own of how we will construe our lives' manage because we exercise our choice

we are in a good or upbeat mood. Even if we're feeling blue, our automatic answer to "How are you?" is supposed to be "Great!" we all know of course that
we are not always feeling and doing great, because we are by our nature moody
beings.

we are moody because our psychological immune system is always working, changing, and adapting. A "mood" is a reflection of what is on our mind, and an active mind has many and ever changing moods to match whatever challenges it
perceives. Getting stuck in one mood is a reflection of a static consciousness and

ourpsychologicalimmunesystemseestoitthatnoemotionalstatewilllast, sohopeandoptimismarebuiltintous.Ifweopenourmindsandhearts,Weca|'| usuallyfeelthesubtlestirringsofhopewithinuseveninthedirestcircltnrus naturally hopeful bein$s. Any ol'ottr stances. It may be that evolution made
outside the cave' thinkirrg primitive ancestors who constantly sat pessimistically

not a thriving mind.

thattheti$ersseemedtoalwayschaseonlythemandthattheyweredoonrcdtrt

Thriving requires paying attention to our moods, reading them, and asking ourselves what is going on in our mind that is leading to our mood of the moment. By trying to stay in or to broadcast a "good mood," we fail to listen to what our consciousness is trying to tell us about what we need to be working on
to maintain a legitimately adaptive and upward psychological trajectory.
270

thisfateforlife,probablybecameamealforamoreoptimisticti$erhuntinfilt
passive giame' hopes of just such a submissively

Ouroptimismprovidesourdetermination'andourhopingenablesustoltt' opentodiscoveringthepathwaystothrivingthroughcrisis''Hopingisthcl.ccl plan to successfully reach our Aoitl' ins that we can eventually come up with a

'

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attainable goal.

u.s reach IltlI g.;rl ,r Iirrd irrr,tlrcr.r-rc.'l'lrcsc wrlys i]l thinking and feeling allrw us to remain mentaily cngaged r,ns en.ugrr at tirrt,.r of crisis to be able to come up with a different mentar angle or different ano nrorr.

opLimistic thinkirrg hcllls

.rll t risgs 1s tcrrrgrorirry virriatiorrs in a fettcrally wottc[crlll worlcl and as clralllrrlits to their li{e poittI o[view Lhat are confined to this one time and instance. llrr.V know the difference between taking up the challenge and responsibility for ,l,.,1lin{ with adversity and seeing crises as their own fault and representative of
l,rrlrrrcs in all areas of their lives and

rft

thatwill

characterize their lives forever.

{n a Fuzz) World

realistic. There is too much uncertainty in the way the worrd works to assert th;rl anything is unqualifiedly and permanently true. optimism works for us becaust, it allows us to live in a world in which nothing is certain. Positive psychologist sandra L. Schneider has written that optimism is ;r positive mental strategy because so much of the knowledge about our world i.s what she called"fuzzy." she pointed out that, despite our vast scientific achievc ments, our knowledge of our environment lacks the precision we seek. Particularly when it comes to the important issues such as the meaning of rift:, death, love, ioy, and misery, we know very little about the whys and what fors .l such things, and optimism is essentiar for dealing with just such issues. schneider wrote, "Fuzzy meaning provides leeway for each of us to extracl personal meaning from our experiences."t0 ,,Fnzzy,,,as Schneider used the wortl, refers to the fact that we have just enough mental ,,wiggre room,,
enhance and focus on what we choose to see as the potential for favorable outcomes in our life experiences.

Are being realistic and being optimistic two different orientations to lift,i, optimism exists because, no matter how hard we try, we can never be ail trr;rl

'l'hrivers have their bouts of pessimism, but they use them constructively. l lrt,y use their negative thinking to take a few steps back and to think twice about tlrt,ir actions, how they are framin$ what has happened to them, and the ifs, ands, l,rrls. and so whats of their situation. Their periods of pessimism protect them Ir ont making rash or foolhardy decisions about how to deal with adversity' Dr. Seligman points out that hope depends primarily on not being stuck in tlr(, "personal, pervasive, and permanent" mode of thinking." Thrivers figure out

thinking about their stressors that assign them to temporary and specific (;utses, not global life influences and not some "ne$ativity magnet" implanted ,,orrrewhere inside them. They already have an unalterable global view of the
ir';rys of

r,vorld as being a wonderful place, so individual crises are seen as painful but nec,'ssary variations on the wonderful world theme' One of the thrivers I interviewed had experienced the theft of two of her new cars her doctor that rr I the same month. This happened the same month she was told by She came giving injections. insulin herself :.lrc was diabetic and would have to begin

to be able t.

lo my clinic to discuss her situation, but she was already clearly showing the nonpcrsonal, nonpervasive, nonpermanent kind of hopefulness of her thriving mode. ,,can you believe the odds? Two cars, two thefts, and then this lousy She said,
rrcws about the needles? What a fluke. My mother said I seem to have a dark cloud

over my head, but

Seligmani Threeps of optimisn

We all feel helpless and despairing when major crisis strikes. you have read that for at least a while, we ail tend to make things worse by kindring or willfulry suffering as victims. Those who turn the emotional corner and head their psy_ chological trajectory upward toward thriving have one thing in common: they d' not remain very long in their pessimistic way of framing their trauma. They seem to take a pessimistic peek into negative thinking just rong enough to look int. potential dangers and then search for a new range of mental options. Seligman writes, "pessimistic expranatory style . . . consists of certain kincls of explanations for bad events: personar ('It's all my fault,), permanent (,rt,s always going to be like this'), and pervasive ('It's going to undermine every aspect of my lifg')."tt rhrivers tend to see the world in exactly the opposite way. They see
21-2

really don't see it that way. I think I'm $enerally a pretty Iucky gal and most of my life is going just $reat, thank you. The economic problcms in Detroit now are causing an increase in crime, but it always goes down tventually when things $et better. I hate trying to $ive myself the injections, but I'rn glad they found out about the diabetes before it had worse effects. I'm not in tlenial, am I?" I told her that she might be, but that it seemed to be an enlight-

r-rned

and mild form essential for growin$ through her problems'

EternalHope
one of the most significant and perhaps most adaptive and helpful aspects of ttrriving is a special kind of hope I call "eternal hope." This is hope not just for lhis time or the immediate future but for all time. It is a life beacon and perenrrial optimism that serves as a guiding life philosophy.
213

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'l'hriver's, cspccially Lllose like nre who ftrcccl tlrcir own clcalh, sccnr [o ilrinh of two futures. one is just around the corner and one is the infini[e and forcvt,r future. Eternal hope results in the long-range optimism characterized by a dit ferent mental and emotional take on Seligman's three ps of pessimism.
o

tloctot't'itltlt'ltt o{lr ciltl('(rr ttrtil' l')vtrryottc slritl sllt'wils ollc ol tlttr ttlosl l,rrllr;rnI cilncer rcstlirrcltcrs in thc world, ancl shc visitcd us during nreclical
A ttt'w

r,,rrrrtls every

Etemal hope is highlg personal. The hope of the forever future is faith i' "something more" that is often difficult to describe to others. It may take trr. form of a formalized set of religious beliefs, but more often it is expresse4 ;rs one thriver put it: "I'm not religious, but I have faith that there is more tlrrrrr just this world and this life and that my problems
major scheme of things."
are nothing compared to tlrr,

morulnf. I met her several years after my cancer was cured' I had hope" related to rr|;l lliven a talk to a medical froup about the "eternal kind of my talk and told after rlr| llrriving response. She met with me for a few minutes I remembered rrrr, lr0w happy she was that my treatment had been successful' the success of to referring tlr,rl she seldom spoke about people or feelings, so As we ,,rrnclhing concrete like treatment seemed more comfortable for her. eternal the that lecture my l.rlliccl. she said she felt I had failed to point out in
self-delusion we rtl of hope I was speaking of was more like a mental opiate and what she is essentially life .rll trse to prevent us from having to face the fact that
k
r r

'Etemal hope

my life is an exception and not the rule. when I go on streaks of bad luck, I know I'm in for a winning streak eventually. If you think of your bad ruck ;rs snapshots in your life that will eventually fade away, you don't get stuck tellirg yourselfyou're a natural-born loser in every area

is peruasiue.It tends to extend into all phases of a thriver,s lili,, one thriver who was a photographer said, "I think all the crap that happens irr

,rlled "a brief biophysical event."

Shewentontosay,..Thekindofeternalhopeyoujusttalkedaboutsounds just a pleasant human farce rrrcc, but I think everyone knows down deep that it is

a ba$ of cells that tlr;rt helps us avoid seeing that we are really not much more than works for patients, lrvc for a while and then die. If the kind of hope you described going on.,' llurt's fine, but I think as scientists we have to remember what is really

ofyou life.,,

'

Etemal hope is permanent. Many psychologists suggest that our most

basit.

source of suffering is related in some way to our fear of the end of the self.,. Tlrcv suggest that all terror results ultimately from our

private late-ni$ht As the doctor walked away I remembered why, at our "iron maiden'" the doctor rriltient meetin$s on the cancer unit, we had called this point of view. The lilrc was held prisoner by the pessimism of her pathogenic point out how didn't she hope for from her was a mornin$ when
rrrost we could

and mortality. In the final analysis, we are all concerned with self-preservati.rr, so contemplating the end of the self is not something in which most of us e.s ily engage. However, thrivers seem to convert this nagging fear of death into being more profoundly aware of the importance of enjoying rife now. Becaust, thrivers "flow" by totally immersing themselves in life, they are comforted hy the fact that the loss of a sense of self can be a source of iov.

awareness of our vulnerability

blind to the essential vrrlnerable we were and what might go wrong. She seemed for thriving' essential also Ir;rture of eternal hope-that it is not only possible but

times in Novelist Albert camus suggested that we should recognize those 100 percent ,rtrr lives when the quality of life depends on our ability to make a percent sure.la This is the t.0mmitment to something about which we are only 51 kind of commitment that is at the core of eternal hope'

should calm down now because I'm too sick to pray, but I feel safer when I'm acl ing silly' I feel stronger when I pretend I'm a fairy princess with magicar powcrs to stop the burning in my body. I hope they play in Heaven.,,
214

than she was. She never used the words "death" or "dying,,,but one day she trrtl me, "You know, Dr. Pearsall, I realry love to play and pretend. The doctor said I

thriving superstar, showed her eternal hope in her typical pr' found innocent wisdom. we all knew that she knew she was dying, but it seemctl to make her all the more alive in the present. fu weak as she was, she oftcrr seemed more full of life than the patients who were doing much better physicaily
Patsy, the

ome o ptimktic

Pr

inciPles

Iendthischapterabouttheroleofhopeinthrivingwithsomeoftheprin.
psychology, my own exper'iples of optimism as revealed by research in positive concocted a rience with cancer, and my interviews of thrivers who mentally healing, and combination of mental hardiness, emotional happiness, meaningful

t,r-rdurin$hoping.IhopeyouwillreflectonthemaSawaytoreviewsomeofthe behind the capact:oncepts of learned optimism that portray it as a vital energy
ity to thrive through life's tragiedies'

215

ilI It(tlllttl'('ll I.tltlrtl

I loyitrtlor AII I'ittrr:

'

it'st.l/-i's /ttt1t1titta.ss. I krllclirl lcr:lirrg.s t,lcvirlt' rrs. 'l'lrry rc.srrlr irr lcclirrg lr;r, pier and hardier, and tlrat irl Iurns irrcrease.s,ur clrarrccs lirr healing. S;rrrrrt,l Johnson wrote that "hope is itself a speciar kincr or,happiness, and, perhaps, rrrr, chief happiness which this world affords.,,,n when a group of young Ge'rrirrr:, was asked what they considered to

Ilopa

. I lt,ltinq is "h<ttcl'it

speech, "hope" topped the "love," ?nd,,happing55.,'ro

c

be the most beautiful word in hurrr;rrr Iist over such emotional heavyweights as ,,j,1,,,,

/'itttlitrtl" htt tlisuparinq ilxilitrtt ttspct'l.s cttc'rt irr lltc ttrtsl ,,iltrttlion.s. '['hcrc was a terrible tornado in Michigan while I was in Lhe callcer rrrril.'l'he sky turned pitch black and the warning sirens wailed. Patsy came rlrrickly, wheeling her chair into my room, and I assumed that she was fright,.nccl. Instead, she rolled to the window and said, "lsn't this cool? Let's look for
I
I

rr' funnel clouds. We're all here safe and cozy

with lots of doctors and security

lirr;rrcls and people to take care of us. This is a $ood day to have cancer'"

Hoping is not just rooking fauorabrg to the future but arso being rbrgiuinu itt our eualuation of past euents. we become hopeless not only when we look r. the future with anxiety but arso when we look to the past with regrets and st,rr recrimination. Hope requires giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt ancl ;rrr emotional break. we seldom wake up in the morning deciding to intention.r' mess things up for ourselves or others, so a little loving leniency and ,,forgcl tory" action regarding our own past mistakes helps ,, ,lo noilor. noo..

lt4ting is collecting andmaking memoria of the wonderful simple things in life. Mlst of our lives are spent engaging in routine activities. We often do so mindIt'ssly as if we were on mental autopilot." To develop our hoping, we need to turn ol1 that autopilot once in a while and pay more attention to our lives. We need to
krok back to the good memories and pay attention to the fact that right now in our
lives we are making the memories that

will enrich them. When I was first

able to

c Hope requires accep-ting uncertaintg as

a charenge to find new meaning itt our liues. whire the fact that life is so uncertain can be a cause of anxiety, th.s. who learn to hope are able to thrive because they know that in the final anarv sis, there are very few facts of life. They are heartened by the ,,fact,, that, in trrt, absence of certainly, there is nothing wrong with hope.

r,vllk alone to the bathroom after leaving the intensive care unit, I remember how irlportant and wonderful it seemed that I could turn on the faucet myself, feel the water go from cold to warm, brush my own teeth, and swish the water around in
r I

mouth. I doubt that you are looking forward to brushing your teeth tomorrow rnorning as much as I do now, but I hope my example might draw your attention to what a simply wonderful event it can be to start your day thriving.
ry

'

disappointment.
o

is truthfur enough to assure but n,l mislead us, and positive enough to comfort us without setting us up for maj.r

Hoping is mentar reframing." Thriving requires our most creative construirrg when we experience severe adversity. The hope component of thriving is n.l fabricating or faking a positive attitude. It is doing hard mentar work to fintl meaning by creating a perspective that

. t loping

is

gettiW unused to life. You read earlier about the process of habitua-

tion, or getting used to what we are doing and experiencing. Positive psycholoAppreciation Aists define the process of intense appreciation as "dishabituation." requires dealing with all of life's activities, even the most ordinary and simple ones, in a less habitual way. It is intentionally paying attention so that we and not our life circumstances will determine the content of our consciousness.

our criterion for and the meaning of what constitutes ,,best,,and ,,better.,, I remem ber complaining that it was raining on the day of one of our family picnics. My grandmother said, "Better a rainy family picnic than no family or no picnic. when it rains, you can see it as a drizzreor a downpour. It ail depends on how much rain you decide it will take to ruin a picnic. It,s all really up to you.,,

Hoping is a wilrfur rowering of expectatiozzs. positive psychologists call this aspect of hoping adopting a relatively moderate threshold of minimum accepl ability' Sometimes it is better not only to hope for the best
but also to lower

. Iloping is begond
approach

comparison. As you learned

in chapter 9, a comparative

to life ultimately leads to unhappiness. Maintainin$ an optimistic

gutlook requires that we find positive anchors in our lives that are not based on a competitive view and that are referenced to our lives, not that of others.

Hoping is being aware of being. Another finding about optimism from positive psychology shows that happiness comes not from what we have done or think we may be able to do. It comes from being fully absorbed in what and how we
are doing in the present moment.le

216 217

'I

ht

lVr1|1pys11

1,:,1;1,1,.

t loyiru lor AII I'itttr

'llt4ting

i.s

reflective reasoning <-rf enlightened hoping and passive wishir.rg. llnlighte rr.rl optimism helps us think in more creative, open, and aclaptive ways that hclrr rr, focus ourwishes so that they become conscious acts of creation.2,, As I poirr.rl out in my bookwshing weil: Making your Euerg wsh come Tiue, the p.wrt of a wish ultimately derives from the degree of reasoned hope and philosoprri cal optimism with which we make it. Towqrd aNew Stor)
You have now learned about the four components of thriving. At the timcr your next life challenge, it will be up to you to keep hoping, aspiring,

not ui.;hlill thirtkinq. 'l'herc i.s;r sigrril'icirnl dill'crcpcc Sctwccrr llr.

l'uzzy rllrrsion is likrly to lrt't'ornt'ir reali[y lirr tlrosc wlto arc oltlitttistic witlrirr just you it is have read, I',|un(larics establisltcil lly irctive engiagement in life.""As tlris kind of creative and eternally hopeful engagement that results in the ordi-

ll'

rr,rry rlaglic of our capacity

rr,orld.

to thrive through the tra$edies of this wonderful

lzzie always carried a yellowed and torn piece of paper in his wallet. He said rl scrved as a reminder to never lose hope. The paper had a statement by the l'r'rsian poet Nizami, and it can serve as reminder to all of us about the import,rrrt:e of an optimistic explanatory style and the miracles wrought by a thriving rrrt,ntality. It said, "ln the hour of adversity be not without hope. For crystal rain
t,rlls from black clouds."

.l

ing for new ways to girow through your crisis. It will be up you to to be wilring |, accept what you will never know or fully understand while maintaining the opri mism and hope that you can always learn and understand more.
Positive psychologist Sandra L. schneider's research supports the principlrs of hoping listed above. you have read that she emphasi zes the point that real i I y is "fuzzy" because there is no one exact and perfect truth in the world. she poi n I s out that even if there were a remarkably constant truth that perfecfly predictrtl future events, most of us are not in the mental, emotional, or spirituar positi.' to be able to recognize it. The best we can do is to keep seeking our own best esti mate of the truths that seem to apply to our own life.

and searcrr

If there is one truth, it might be that that life is an eternal challenging chars in which we are active participants as well as causes. Like some

refining, and creating our individual life stories capable of accommodar ingi life's tortures and horrors as well as its blessings. This is the chaltenge of arr optimistic creative consciousness that allows us to thrive through stress.

that the universe enjoys provoking and aggravating us in{, learning more and more, even though we will never learn enougih. Philosopher and theologian Thomas Berry pointed out that what is neeclctl in order to thrive is a better new story about our lives. Thrivers are masters;rl composing such stories. He wrote that we all need a basic story: ,,our narrativt, of how things came to be, how they came to be as they are, and how the futurt, can be given some satisfying direction. we need a story that will educate us, ;r story that will heal, guide, and discipline us.",' while Berry was referring to ;r story like those provided by traditional religions, we also need to keep writing,
seems

teacher,

it

clever and

wi.st,

editing,

Dr. schneider wrote, "The illusion of the good life is likely to break down f'r those who lull them.selves into complacency with self-deceptive beliefs, but thc
zt8
)10

r"

rpllogue:
G

randma's xecip

fw

Thr iv ing

"Cry with me ast die,butnotfor me.tm cryingbecausetwill misstheprecious

ffioments of my
the

lfe

t'lo matter whathappens

t0

)0u' alway )0u

are

remember to make

ordinarl' things sacred' rocus more on who 2'ou are with than what )ou d0'

Then, grandson, have

you will cry

as

r am not

because

$tingbut

because

)ou

soJullylived."

-I'41

Grandrna teita Schlienan

Grandmq'sWisdom
My grandmother was a thriver. She had suffered through the poverlry of the
()reat Depression and had to struggle every day to provide for the safety and welfare of my mother and her sister. She held several menial jobs and had to spend hours on streetcars and buses to et back and forth to work. Although her own health was irlways poor, she managed

to care for my grandfather, who himself was in

even

poorer health. He had nearly died from bleeding ulcers and barely survived being crushed through a small wooden door by a garbage truck at the city yard where he worked. For the last years of his life, my $randfather had become senile, difficult to yet rnanage, and often abusive. He lost complete control of his bladder and bowels,
even through her own failing health, my $randmother continued to care for

him'

l)espite her stressful life, Grandma remained the stron$ center of our family.

l ltt llrtllnyLtt t t, l,tr

(irlrttclttl;t's ltottst'is wltt'rc wc;rll wcrrl to t'rlt'lrr;r{t,;rtrtl sorrrclirrrt,s lo pjrit,r,t, She ctiokccl the'l'hartksgivirtg.rrrd Clrristrrrirs Itrrkcys;rrrd Ilre post-{irncr,rl 1rr,;r1., It was the supreme honor to be asked Lo.spend thc rriglrt a[ (irirnchrr;r's lrorr:,r. because you were sure you would hear remarkable stories. As I began my sturly ,l the thriving response, I recognized that I had spent my young years knowing;rrrrl loving a woman who exemplified the thriving response I was trying to underslirrrrl. Like most of the thrivers you have read about in this book, Grandma was
n( )l

I'

l,

il ,,!',t

lrt.l' pc

srrrst'ol llrrs." I tlirln't know Iltcrt tlrat Iwortltl lct:l txirctly tllis w;rv r't';rrs later wltctt I lircr:tl rtry owlr dcath from cancer' lrtrr At first I was unc0mfortable with Grandma's sharing' I still l'clt liktr rrow' me differerttly lrillr sranclson, but I could sense that she needed to see I allltost ,,rrtl for both of us, I needed to see her differently as well. Later, when
rrrirkc

always upbeat, optimistic, positive thinking, ancl confident. She was ollr,rr despondent and cried openly, and it was her vulnerability as much a.s lrt,r strength that comforted and encouraged us. She would speak of her trials irrrtl tribulations, and would not be seen by today's popular psychology as a mocle | ,l positive attitude and personal power, but she was nonetheless a model of llrt. invincible spirit and capacity to thrive that has been the focus of this book. what was special about Grandrna was not that she was an extraordinary p(,r son but that she was so ordinary, vibrant, vulnerable, and strong all at the sarrr' time. Her hardiness in the face of her trials inspired us. Her ability to seenr l.
flow with happiness through so many crises encouraged us. The way she found ir sense of coherence in the chaos of her life instructed us. And perhaps mosl

btttt st't'tt ,lit,cl from cancer, I would feel as Grandma must have. I had always for support ;rtrtl ,rs the strong one in the family to whom everyone else turned
,rrlvice,

it is a tlurtlt'r It.;rrned then the message you read earlier about hardiness, that ;rs il is giive control up ,rl rnuch grace and grit. It is as much knowingwhen to
Ir

but my cancer made me long to be helped and guided by otlrtrrs. I

vin to exercise it. storv. I lis Grandma clearly needed me now to help her complete her life tlc;rllr' ;rtttl Itned for hours to what she had to say about her life as she faced ltcr wlt:tl you vott lr'rvt' intesrate I share her messages with you now as a way to help rt,ad about the hardiness, happiness, healing, and hope that cotlstittttt'Vttttt'

important, her eternal optimism comforted us and made us feel safe. we lill comfortable sharing our worst fears and problems with Grandma, not becausr,
she was an exceptional person but because she wasn't. She was an ordinarv woman thriving through extraordinary times, and it was her way of viewing lili,

slrt'lurtl llrriveability. I end this bookwith the gift Grandma gave me as she iliecl. hcr ottr ltrob s;rid these things to us many times before, whenever we brought sltt: spolit' lcms, and along with the words quoted at the beginning of this chapLcr, dying. I rc;rlizc ;rbout them again as she attempted to give meanin$ through her the rr;rtLrrt ol of rrow that the list I have had for all these years is an expression
the thriving I have spent years tryin$ to understand' I hope yotr will As a way of reviewing the points I have made about thriving, a prescription lirr lake some time to reflect on each item from Grandma's list as

that we all longed to emulate. She often said and made us feel that if Granclnur
could do it, so could we.

of thcnt' lhriving. Her exactwords are in italics, followed by my interpretations ,,recipe" because Grandma was famous in our family for her cook I use the word
the one sonrcing. I think you will find Grandma's recipe not too dissimilar from grew up. In many of trlv one in your own family may have taught you as you their thrivirrterviews of thrivers, a grandmother or grandfather was very often

Gr an dm

als

Iny edien* fo r Thr iv ing

when my grandmother was dying, I visited her as often as I could. I had ctinr pleted my Ph.D. in clinical and educational psychology and finished my intenr ship so as to begin my work as a clinical neuropsychologist at Sinai Hospital ,l Detroit. My grandmother was extremely proud of me, and when I visited her irl her deathbed, she began to talk to me not only as the grandson she had helpctl
so many times before, but as someone who might be able to help her through hcr last days.

your ing role model, so perhaps you will find it helpful to look to lor reminders as to how to enhance your natural thriving talent.

6147n

alss5tors

G r an dm

ni necip e for Thr

iv

ing

She was

in terrible pain, facing amputation of an infected foot, and ofterr

cried and shared her fears. She said, "l know you're sad that you're losing me, brrl

. Eueruthing bad is a blessing in disguise.If we remain engaged long enottflr point ol with our adversities and try to construe them from an optimistic
our most lift: view, we can learn that our most difficult challen$es can be
affirming.

I'm sadder because I'm losing all ofyou. you each lose one but I lose everyon(,. You must help me deal with my loss and not be frigihtened by my tears. you mu.sl
222

Itr ItrrlllPl's11

1:,,, 1u,

l'l'll,Urr,'

''l'ltis lttrt slrull

puss. No tttttotiott;rl stirtc last.s. lJnlt:ss wc cll(x)sg l1 clirrf l,;rrr emotion, <iur feelings are in a constant state o1'l'ltrx.'l'lrcrc is inrnrcnse tlrrivirrrt power in having the persistent patience to "just wait and see how things w,rl,

out."
o Things always get worse before theg get better.when things seem to be fallirrrl apart, it is a sign they are coming together again in a new, different, and nr,r. challenging way. Despite popular psychology's emphasis on finding life bal;rrrt.r,,

l'ltitttls (n'(,n(,ttt,t'tt.\ l)tttl trs llraq.srt,nl.'l'lrirrgs cottld tlot otrly llc worse, tltey , orrld be tttttclt worst'. Wlurt wc see as adversity might be seen by someone else ,rl ;r difTerenl placc i1 ftis tir her life as nowherenear as traumatic as we have t'onstrued it to be.

life is never in balance. By the time you have finished reading this sentert.r,, your mind, thinking, spirit, and even the cells in your body are no longier wlr;rl they were when you began reading. No matter how bad things are, sometirrrr,
and some way, they will get better.

ll,hut goes around, comes around. It not only seems that bad things happen to very bad and undeservlioocl people but that very good things happen to some iDg people. In the lon run, how we choose to see the world and how we behave in terms of our explanatory system will come back to us sometime in some way. 'l'hrivers have the patience, broadness of thinking, and emotional will to wait lirr their suffering to pass, and their rewards, in whatever mysterious ways they rnight, to finally come.

c what is meant to be is meant to be. Thereare reasons for everything, and thriv ing is continuing our search not only for those reasons but also for their uncln lying purpose no matter what adversity we face. we may never

find,,(lr.

When Uou're feeling sorrg for gourself, start feeling sorrg for someone else instead.Thrivers tend to use their own sufferin$ to spark within them thoughts qf how they might be able to reduce the suffering of others. Grandma told me

reason," but because thriving is a lifelong process of weaving our life story, c.rr tinuing to look for reasons can help us go beyond surviving and resilience r,

the experience of being a thriver.

o

was doing the most important things in my life personal because doing such things always seems to cost the most in terms of you are feelphrases "lf was, pain, sacrifice, and selflessness. one of her favorite

that

I would know when I

Life is what gou make it. while we often can't do anything to alter the everrrs in our lives, we can create our own consciousness and internal experience ol
them. The mental diet we feed our consciousness ultimately determines wh;rl we are and can become. Life is fuzzy, uncertain, and has few if any univers;rl truths, so it is up to us to construe it in such a way that it has creative and aclap tive meaning for us. Thriving is constantly editing, modifying, and strengthcrr ing our explanatory style.

ing sorry for yourself, you're thinking far too much about yourself and not
nearly enough about someone else."

. Don't forget to sau Aour praAers.

Research shows that praying lowers blood

pressure and strengthens our physical immunity. When it's performed in a group, it also provides the benefits of social support. Praying usually involves a prayconversation with a Higher Power, so the relationship between the person

'

Be careful what you wish for. wishing is an expression of our hopes, and hrrr ing has immense power. Thrivers have eternal hope, so their wishes are

m^(r(,

in the context of a lifelong philosophy and not immediate

need.

ing and the One prayed to can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation' whatever your belief system, praying regularly seems to result in improved mental health and enhances our thriveability.' In her usual irascible and often just talk irreverent way, Grandma said, "Listen and learn when you pray, don't and ask. Even if you don't believe in God, you'd better be pretty damn sure
something a hell of a lot wiser than you are believes in you'"

'

Remember to make good memories. since we are constantly creatlng our ow' consciousness, we are forever in the process of re-creating ourselves. who wt, are and the content of our minds is the compilation of the memories we chorst.

. I'll alwaAs be with gou.

Grandma was

right. She always said that, no matter

good forgettory.

to hold and retrieve and also of what we choose to intentionally relegiate to grrr unremembered past. To be able to thrive, we need both a good memory and ;r

what, she would always be with us. Thrivers seem to convey an eternal hope far beyond a good immediate future. They know that the meaning of their living and ultimately their dying is a matter of how they elect to find meaning while they are alive. Because thrivers so cleeply and profoundly connect with life and

224

I'l

tt llttll toyt t I itr or

t I

Wi

witlt tts, it sccttts lltlrt tltcir e rlergy

passed.

stlrys witlr rrs. I'crlrirp.s, il wc corrltl lislcrr liltr. l]eethoven did, we rnight everr be able lo hcar Ihe voiccs ol'thrivcrs wlro lurvt,

Two Times to Thrive

I hope my Grandma's recipe for thriving will be as much help you to as it rr;rs been to me. I read her simpre words almost every day at two speciar times. Mv first time for daily thriving is when I wake up in the morning. I try to do wh;rl Thoreau did, and resist the temptation to spring out of bed and get busy with rrv day. Instead, I spend just a few extra moments trying to truly and fully awaken l, my life rather than just get up to try to lead it. Instead of trying to get up and gcl going' I try to wake up and start being. I lie in bed thinking about Grandma,s words or reflect on how very lucky I am to be living for another day in the besl of all possible worlds and how much I hope to learn about that world in the conr ing day. My second time for daily thriving is when I go to bed at night. I try t, remember to ask myself: what thoughts and feelings did I have today that I hopc to remember for the rest of my life? sometimes I write down my answer and read it again when I wake up the next morning. I have found that practicing these two thriving rituals has helped me remai' on the upward trajectory course I know allows me to keep learning how to thrivc. I don't always remember to set aside these special times, and sometimes

Endnotes

('. 1. C. L. M. Keyes. "Complete Mental Health: AnAgenda for the 2lst cenlrrrv." lrr ,. M. Keyes and J. Haidt (Editors). Flourishing: Positiue Psgchologg ancl lha l,ili'W'dl t,iued.Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 2002, p- 29t+. (irowllr 2. E. S. Fisher and H. G. Welch.'Avoiding the Unintended Consequences ol i1 Medical Care: How Might More Be Worse?" Joumal of the American Medicul.4.s.sor'tit
f

I'reface

silly and that Grandma's recipe is too unrealistic or overly simplistic,

Fortunately, whenever I begin to feel this way, I seem to have a drearn or see an image of Grandma that inspires me to start spending more time again in learn_ ing what it means to thrive. several times when I was dying, I saw images of Grandma. perhaps

feel to. busy, too tired, or too distracted to do so. when I feel rushed, upset, angry, impatient, or unfairly treated, I begin to feel that spending these two thriving times i.s

1ion,7999, Volume 282, Number 5, pp.445453. 3. C. K. Meador. "The Last Well Person." New England Joumal ol'Medicine, Vrtltttttt' .tll0, Number 6,1994, pp.440-441. 4. C. R. Snyder and s. J. Lopez, The Handbook of Positiue Psgchologu: oxlirrtl: Oxford University Press, 2002. 5. W. James. The Varieties of Religious Experience. New York: New American Lihrlrv, 190211958, p. 77. 6. Ibid., p. 86.

lntroduction
1. This research is discussed in Andrew Sullivan's article "Lacking Good for You!" Time, October \4,2002, p.I02.

in

Self-listee

rli'

teil them.,, she said, or perhaps with Beethoven's type of hearing I thought I heard her saying, those same words over and over again. Doctors told me I said these worcls out loud when I was coming out of anesthesia. whatever was happening, I hope Grandma is proud that I have shared her recipe. I hope she's happy to know that because of her loving wisdom, she and I are both invincible.
zz6

it was an illusion, a delusion, a dream, a result of oxygen deprivation, or a medication sidc effect, but I am sure I saw and heard her. she was sitting in her wheelchair ancl holding up her hand. she kept saying softly, "Go back, you must

2. F. B. Bryant. "A Four-Factor Model of Perceived Control: Avoiding, Coping, Obtaining, and Savoring." Journal ofPersonalitg. Volume 57, 1989, pp.773-797. 3. Positive psycholoists Kennon M. Sheldon and Laura King offer this definition irr the article "Why Positive Psychology Is Necessary." American Psgchologist, May 2(X) I, Volume 56, Number 3, pp.216-217. 4. D. Meyers. "The Friends, Funds, and Faith of Happy People." American Psgt:httkt uist, Ianuary 2000, Volume 55, pp.56-57. 5. For a brilliantly thorough discussion of the concept of a fall from paradise and i(s influence on our psyche and spirit, see R. Heinberg. Memories and Visions of ParatlisL'.
Los AnEieles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1989.

6. M. E. P. Seligman. Authentic Happzness. New York: Free Press, 2002, p. xii' 7. See D. K. Goodwin's history of the life of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt titlecl Mr Ordinary Time. As quoted in M. E. P. Seligman. Authentic Happiness. New York: lrrr:t Press, 2002, pp. xii-xiii.

) t7

'I'lrc

ltrulntru I tttrrr'
tJ.

I t trlt tttl | \

Wtlclr. "Avoidirrg lltc Ilrrirrlrrrdctl Corrse r;rrt:rrccs 6l (irgwllr in Medical 0arc: llriw Might More lJe Worscl"' .ktunrul ol'lltt,Anttrictttt Madit'trl tl.sstx'irr tion,1999, Volume 2it1, pp. 445453. 9. For a discussion of the research softening and balancing the abselute negativisrrr of many health warnings and presenting a more positive outlook on the issue of ,,risk,', sct. Robert ornstein's and David sobel's classic book Healthg pleasures. Reading, MA:
Addison-Wesley, 1989. 10. This example is used and developed in the insightful and carefully researchrrl book by cardiologist Dean Ornish titled Loue and Suruiual: The Scientific Basis lbr tltt, Healing Power of Intimacg. New york: HarperCollins, 1997.

Ii. S. lrisltur arrd ll.

(1.

Chapter

Mind. New york: Random House, 19g7. 2. c. s. carver. "Resilience and rhriving: Issues, Models, and Linkages.', Joumal rr' Social Issues, Volume 54, Number 2, p.25I. 3. variations of these reactions are outlined in V. E. o'Leary and J. R. Ickovics. "Resilience and rhriving in Response to challenge: An opportunity for a paradigm Shill In women's Health." womenb Health: Research on Gender, Behauior and policg, voluntt 1, 1995, pp.121-142. 4. The kindling metaphor was first offered by social psychologist p. D. Kramer.. Listening to Prozac: A Psgchiatrist Explores Antidepressant Drugs and the Remaking sl the Self. New York: Viking Penguin, 1993. 5. Author Daniel Goleman discusses what he calls the "ventilation fallacy" in his book titled Emotional Intelligence. New york: Bantam Books, 1995, pp. 64_65.
1. H. Benson. Your Maximum 6. D. Tice. As reported in lbid., p. 58. 7. As quoted in A. H. Berger. "Are you're a chronic worrier?" complete woman, October 1987, p. 58. 8. As quoted in B. Q. Hafen, etal.Mind Bodg Heatth. Boston: Allyn Bacon, 1996, p. 2015. 9. fu quoted in C. L. Wallis (Editor). The Tleasure Chest. San Francisco: Harper and Row. 1965, p.232. 10. Ibid., p. 226.

(llr,ttrlttll\ 5. ll. S. l,lz;rrrr,,. "litorrr l',;yr'lrologic;tl Slrt:ss lo lltt' l')tttoliotts: A l lislo|v ol pp. I 22' ( )rrllritrks. tltrttrrtrl !\'fl'tt'tt' ()l I'stl( ltttkxly, l1)l)ii' (i. As quotetl irr l). sllrw.'l'\rc l'leasure /'olrzv. Ncw York: l)oublctl;ry, l1)txi, D. 17. posilivc ltsv 7. As reported by l)r. Martin Seligman in his book about the new fitld ol p' {t' r'lrrrlofy titled Authentic Happiness. New York: Free I'ress, 200'2, 8. These findin$s are presented by S. E. Taylor and J. D. Brown. "lllusion arrd Wt:ll lrrir-rf: A Social psyihological Perspective on Mental Health." Psgchokruit:ul llullelirt' ll),!lt, pp. 193-210.1 l!)tll3, Dp. 9. As quoted in c. Jabs. "New Reason to Be an optimist." se/4 September 170 173. p. 2il. 10. w. L. wilbanks. "The New obscenity." Readerb Digest, December 19ttt3, l)rauenlitnt, Interview." 11. As quoted in B. Siegel. "Mind Over Cancer. An Exclusive IV;rrcl-r 1998, pp. 59-64. 12. Study reported in M. E. P. Seligman. Leamed optimism. New York: Allrcd A.
l(nopf,1991. 13. Ibid., p. 178. ix' 14. The term "pleasure police" was coined by author David Shaw' Op'cit'' |r' rrt'pl 15. This percentage is a manufactured one. There are many good studies ol'llrc are cardittv;rscttl;tr there that no doubt is ;rlive effects of eating too much meat, and there prolt'itr' ;rncl other health risks associated with an unbalanced diet and too much anintal hcst N,netheless, most of us can think of relatives who were lifelong carnivores who to l l rt "A antlottttcitttrl, headlines few ,f our knowledge never developed heart disease. There are problems at alll" no health have people diets with lousy srnall percentaEie of 16. For a description of "passive volition" as described in psychological attd Plrrir|sv r:hological research, see my book about the power of wishing or intent' l'. I'utrs;rll wishing well: Making Your Euerg Wish come Tlue.New York: Hyperion, 2000'

Chapter 3

r. Borkovec. "unwanted cognitive Activity That controls unwanted Somatic Experience." In D. wegner and J. pennebaker (Editors) . Handbook ol' Mental Control. Volume 5 Englewood Cliffs, NJ: prentice Hall, 1993. 12. In researching the issue of worrying, I came across a quote from an unnamerl source that was also titled "why worry?" It was very similar to the old Hawaiian,s worcls. A similar phrase is in L. Romer and T. Borkovec, Op. cit., p.2Zg.
11. L. Roemer and
13. J. Gottman ' What Predicts Diuorce: The Relationship Between Marital processts and Marital Outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1994. 14. D. Goleman. Op. cit., pp. 13-14.

1. E. Forbes. Thager's Life of Beethouen.Princeton, NJ: Princeton University 1969, p. 286. l"cbrtr;rrv z. Rs quoted at classical Music Pages Homepage, created by Matt Boynick, r, 1996. 3. These and the other quotes from Beethoven's writings can be found in biograplrics his such as the Forbes work listed above and many other books about the composer ancl rnusic. The website Beethouen: The Immortal is a particularly rich source of informatiott on his life, work, suffering, and thrivin$. also suggest a reading of Beethovcrt's "lJeilgenstadt Testament," his powerfully insightful last will and testament that serves irs

l'rt'ss,

a treatise on

4. As quoted at Classical Mttsic Pages Homepage, created by Matt Boynick, l"ebrtutrv

thrivinf.

15. J. Haidt. "Elevation and the positive psychology of Morality.,' Flourishinu. Washington, D. C.: American Psychological Association ,2002, pp.2ZS_Zgg. Chapter 2
1..

r,1996.
5. Charles C. Carver. "Resilience and Thriving: Issues, Models, and Linkages '" 'hntnttrl of Social Issues, Volume 54, Number 2' p.2486. Ibid., p. 250. Adanrs, | l)(i.l Z. J. piaget. The Chilcl's Conception of the Woild. Paterson, Nl: Littefield 8. C. McMillen, S. Zuravin, and G. Rideout. "Perceived Benefits from Child St'xrrrrl [buse." Joumal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Volume 63, 1985, pp' 10i]7 lt)ztll'

1993,

p.2332.

websterb rhird New Intemational Dictionarg. springfield, MA. Merriam-webstcr.

2. Ibid., p. 1932. 3. c. s. carver. "Resilience and rhriving: Issues, Models, and Linkages.,,Journal Social Issues, Volume 54, Igg8,pp.245-267. 4. Ibid., p. 53.

rl

Chapter 4

1. M. Biondi. "The Illusion of Success." In P. Pearsall. Toxic success: I70u ltt '\lr4t striuing and start Thriuing. Makawau, HI: Inner Ocean Publishing,2002.

228

l ltt

lltl1l11Y111 1:4t 1,,,

I iltlilnll\
(lsiltszt'lrlrrrilrlrlyr. ()p. til.,1r. i. l'irrk. "l'irrtrdigrrr SIrilt: Wlty ;r lfoctts orr Ilurlllt is lttlltor 1,ltl ." .lountul ol',\o<'ittlls.stlrx, Volunrc 51t, Nuntber 2, 199u. 12. lror a dcscri;rtiorr ol Lhe process of enlightened denial, see l). Golcman. Vilul I'ics, ',irttltlc'liuths. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1985. l:. L. L. Lanagier. Holocaust Testimonies: The Ruins of Memory. New Haven, C'1': Yale I lrrivcrsity Press, 1990. 14. Ibid., p. 59. 15. This systematic selective evaluation and the power of "positive illusion" are ili.scribed in S. E. Taylor. Positiue lllusions: Creatiue Self-Deception and the Healthy Mind.
10. M. l'1. l'. I

Psychological Association, 2001. 4' This point is made.by K. w. saakvitne, H. Tennen, and G. Affleck rn ,,Exprorirrpl Thriving in the Context of Trauma Theory: Constructivist Self Developmental Theory.,, Joumal of Social Issues,Volume 54, Number 2, Summer 199g, pp. 2\g_Zgg. Kaminer. I'm Dgsfunctionar, you're Dgsfunctionar.
'

2. M. (lsikszerrlnriltirlyi. l,,lortt; '1,/tc l,sgcltolotltl tt/.Ott/intrtl l,.l.tlt<,rit,ttr.<,. Nt.w yorL. IllrpcrCollirrs, ll)l)1, rr. 20. 'J' l'\rr an exarlplc ol'the process of "ntcaning reconstruction,,,see Il. A. Neirrrt:y.r. Meaning Reconstructiort and the Experience ui Lorr.

lir'ltrttrt,rtr,rrrtl

N4.

l.

.1.

lt.

l( l\o\rr(:, ,rrrtl

('.

1,.

washingion,-i). c.,

n."..,,,

ooru^*;

N.r v"*,

aidison-wesrcv,

6. Ibid., p. 281.
Ryirrr.

7. This danger is explained and discussed in an excelrent book by wlriam Blaming the Victim. New york: pantheon, 1921.
8. lbid., p. 28J.

Nt'r,v
tt

York: Basic Books, 1989.

.c. Issues, Models, and Linkages." Journar

262*263.

9. Psychologist charles

carver deverops this point. ,,Resilience and rhriving: of sociit Issues,volume 5a, Number 2, 199g, ,.

Chapter 5
1' For an excellent description
J. B. Twitchell . For Shame. New

Washington, D. C.: American psychological AssoJiation, 1994, pp. 253_2g0. 3' For a discussion of these sudden personal reappraisals and transformations during trauma, see M. A. Greenbert. "cognitive processing of Traumas: The Role of Intrusivc Thoughts and Reappraisars." Joumar of Appried sociar psgchorogy, volume 25, 1995, pp. 1262-1296. 4. In his forward to E. E. werner and R. S. smith. vurnerabre But Inuincibte: A studu of Resilient Children. New york: McGraw Hill, 19g2, p. xvi.

2' w' R' Miller and J. c'deBaca. "euantum change: Toward a psychorogy of Transfor mation" ln T. F. Heathertonand J. L. weinberger (Editors). can"personZtiry

ofthe important social and cultural role ofshame, york: St. Martin,s press, 1997.

sec

16. M. Rutter. "Psychosocial Resilience and Proactive Mechanisms." American ttrmal of Orthopsgchiatrg, Yolume 57 , 1987 , pp. 316*331. 17. As described by another pioneer in resilience research psychiatrist Geor$e E. V;rlliant. "Adaptive Mental Mechanisms: Their Role in a Positive Psychology." Americon I'suchologist, January 2000, pp. 89-98. 18. For a discussion of this research, see R. ornstein and D. Sobel. The Healing /irrrrr. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1987. 19. E. E. Werner and R. s. smtth. vulnerable but Inuincible: A studg of Resilient t'hildren. New York: McGraw Hill, 1982. See also E. E. Werner and R. S. Smith. 1{auai3 t'hildren Come of Age. Honolulu, HI: University of Hawaii Press, 1977. 20. E. E. Werner and R. S. Smlth. Vulnerable but Inuincible: A Studg of Resilient
t:hildren. Op.cit., p. 3.
21. As quoted in W. E. Barton.Abraham Lincoln and His Books: With Selections from

chang[l

lhe Writings of Lincoln anil a Bibliographg of Books in Print Relating to Abraham Lincoln. Folcroft, PA: Folcroft Library Edition, 1976.
22. M. J. Lerner.

,,The Desire of Justice and Reactions to victims." In J. Macaulay and (Editors).,4/lru ism and Helping Behauior. New York: Academic Press, 1970, 1,. Berkowitz

Chapter 6 1' w' A' Tiller, w. E. Dibble, and M. J. Kohane. conscious Acts of creation: Tht, phgsics. Emergence
of a New

2' As defined inwehsterb New worrd Dictionary. New york: Simon and schuster, 1988, p.
710.

Walnut Creek, CA: pavior publishing, 2001.

3. Ibid., p. 711.

4. J. R. Ickovics und. parks. ,,paradigm Shift: Why a Focus on Health is 9. L. Important."-/oumal of sociar Issues,volume 54, Number z, rggg,p. 2:2. ror an excellenl presentation ofthe research related to this "value-added" orientation to thriving, see R. 6. Tedechi, c. L. Park, and L. G. calhoun (Editors). posttraumatic Growth: positiue change.s in The Aftermath of crisis. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Errbaum Associates, 199g. 5' K' Bryant' "r won't Take 'See you Later' For Granted.,, un*r*Ld , o"cember 24,
2001, p. 9.

6. Ibid., p. 9.

7' M' E' P' Seligman

tion."_American Psgchologist, Ianuary 2000, p. Z. 8. A. Antonovsky, Heatth, stress, and coping: New perspectiues on Mentar and physi_ cal Well-Being. San Francisco: Jossey_Bass, i97b. 9. Ibid., p. xii.

1d M

csikszentmihalyi. "positive psychorogy: An Introduc-

pp.205-229. 23. For a current review of the data on the variance of what really seems to lead to a sense of well-being, see Diener, et al. "subjective Well-Being: Three Decades of Pro$ress. t \ g c hological Bulle t in, Volume 125, 1999, pp. 27 6-302. 24. For a discussion of how we "co$nitively process" or "construe" everything that happens to us, see J. Bruner. Actual Minds, Possible Worlds. Cambridge, MA: Harvard tlniversity Press, 1986. 25. This process is described in S. Scarr. "How Genotypes and Environments Affect 0oping: Development and Individual Differences." In N. Bogler, et al. (Editors) . Persons in Context: Deuelopmental Process. New York: Cambridge University Press, 1988, pp. '2r7,244. 26. I first heard the term "conscious acts of creation" used by my friend and esteemed physicist Dr. William Tiller. For a comprehensive presentation of the science of how our consciousness can literally impact and change external events, see his book Conscious Acts of creation: The Emergence of a New Phgsics. walnut creek, cA: Pavior, 2001. 27. S. Lyubomirsky. "Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?" American Psychologist, March 2001, pp. 239*249. 28. Examples of some of the pioneering studies on resilience are: E. J. Anthony. "The Syndrome of the Psychologically Vulnerable Child." In E. J. Anthony and C. Koupernik (Editors). The chitd in His Familg: children at Psychiatric Rrsfr. New York: wiley, 1974, pp. 529-545. See also N. Garmezy. "stress Resistant Children: The Search for Protective Factors." In J. E. Stevenson (Editor). "Recent Research in Developmental Pathopathology."

u0

41

'

I'lr

|ttt tlnw t r t':ti t or

I ttlttrtlt.' ('lrapler l{

.lourtrul rl ()ltild I'st/t'lutkutt und l,sucltiulru lilxtlt ,\ttltltlt,tnLtttl Ntttttht,r.1, oxlorrl, lingland: I)erg.lnlon l'}ress, lglJ5, pp.2llt 2iIt. Also I.. ll. Mtrrphy;rnd A. li. Moriirr.ilr, Vulnerabilitg, Coping, and Growth: ltrom Inlanclt to Atktlest:ent:c. Ncw llavcrr, ll'l': y;rlr,
University Press, 1976.
29. E. Roskies, M., et. al. "Life changes as predictors of Illness in lmmigrants." l1(, D. spielberger and I. G. Srason (Editors). slress and Anxietg. washinston, D. c.: llt:rrri sphere, 1977 , pp. 3-21. 30. Research on Irish immigrants supports what this man said. see w. F. Ad;rrrrs. Ireland and lrish Emigrations in the New world. New Haven, cr: yale university l)re ss, 1932. See also G. J. Drolet. "Epidemiology of Tuberculosis." In B. Goldberg (llclitlr) Clinical Tuberculosis. Philadelphia: E, A. Davis, 1946. 31. s. E. snodgrass. 'A Personal Account." Joumal of social lsseles, volume h4, Number 2, 1998, pp. 373-380. 32. Ibid., pp. 378-379. 33. s. Massey, A. cameron, S. o. Kobasa, and M. Fine. "eualitative Approaches t<l tlrt, Study of Thriving: what can Be Learned?" Joumal of social Issues, volume 54, Numhu 2,1998, pp. 340-341. 34. Ibid., p. 377. 35. E. E. Werner and R. S. Smith. Ouercoming the Odds: High Risk Child.ren frottt Birth to Adulthood. lthaca, NY: Cornell University press, 1992.

l. l). M. l,irrrrl.
I1)70.

(1. Allcrr :rtttl Ilttwttt. Ar.rrrt,rri;r:'!'lta Crudle ol'Cit,ili:ulion. l,otttlott:

2. l'or an ipsi96Lful perspective on the combination of the mobilization of social and irrilividual resources ln response to risk and threat that can lead to both personal and Joumal srrcial pirowth, see M. Karakashian. "Armenia: A Country's History of Challenges'" p. ol social Issues, Volume 54, Number 2, 1998, 390' 3. For a clear and fascinating discussion of nationalistic thrivin$, see A. Bakalian. ilrmenian-Americans: From Being to Feeling ArmenLarz. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction

l'ublishers,1993.

Chapter 9
1. As quoted

in J. Fishman. "Gettin$ Tou$h." Psychologg Today,December 1987, pp'

'2b-28.

Medi2. R. J. Wheeler and M. A. Frank. "ldentification of Stress Buffers." Behauioral and Health. Thinking sick: Gets . Who Justice B. pp. also See 78-79. 1988, summer cune, llouston, TX: Peak Press, 1987.
Ilealit ies, julyiAugust 1988. 4. S. Cholar. "The Miracle of Resilience." American Health, L994, p' 74' 5. H. S. Friedman, et al. "Psychosocial and Behavioral Predictors of Longevity." American Psgchology, February 1995, pp. 69-78. 6. C. S. Carver and M. F. Scheier. "Three Human Stren$ths." In L. G. Aspinwall and u. M. Staudinger, (Editors). A Psgchology of Human strengths: Fundamental Questions and Future Directions for a Positiue Psgchologg. washington, D.c.: American Psychological Association, 2003. 7. E. E. Werner and R. S. Smith. "ouercoming the odds. High Risk children from Birth to Adulthood." Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press, 1992' April 1994, p. 74. B. fu quoted in S. cholar. "The Miracle of Resilience. "r4 merican Health, 9. Werner and Smith. 0P. cit., P. 228.

3. These studies are reported by Blare Justice in "Those who Stay Healthy." Neu

Chapter 7
1' As quoted in S. carpenter. ""we Don't Know
Psychologg, October 200I, p.82. 2. P. Mccarthy and J. A. Loren (Editors). Breast cancer? Let Me check My schedulal Boulder, CO: Westview Press, 1997. 3' This research appeared in the July edition of The Journal of Personality and Sociul Psgchologg. Reporter Lee Brown in "Positive Outlook Extends Life Span" describes il.

our own Strength." Monitor

tnr

Honolulu Star Bulletin, Iuly 29,2002,

pp.

41 and A10.

Joumal of Medicine, Volume 338, 1998, pp. lZI-179. 9. This syndrome is described as it applies to elderly populations in R. verdery. "Failure to Thrive in the Elderly." clinics in ceriatric Medicine, volume 1, 1995, pp.
653-659.
10.

events in my book wishing well: Making your Euerg wish come ?rze: New york: Hyperion, 2000. 6. This issue is discussed in depth in E. s. Epel, B. s. McEwen, and J. R. Ickovics. "Embodying Psychological Thriving: Physical Thriving in Response to Stress.,,./orz mal ol' Social Issues, Volume 54, Number 2,Igg8, pp.301-322. 7. Ibid., p. 302. 8. B. McEwen. "Protective and Damaging Effects of stress Mediators.,, New Englarul

4. Ibid., p. 41. 5. I described the research on the power of intent to alter physical systems and litt'

Chapter 10

l.CitedinJ.Freedman.HappgPeople:WhatHappinessls,|MoHasIt,andWhy.
New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1978. p. 2. C. S. Wallis (Editor ). The Tleasure chest. san Francisco: Harper and Row, 1965, 63.

3. B. L. Frendrikson. "The Role of Positive Emotions in Positive Psychology: The Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions." American Psgchologist, March 2001,
pp.218-226. 4. Ibid., p. 218. MA: Addison5. As reported in R. ornstein and D. Sobel. Healthy Pleasures. Readin$,
Wesley, 1989, p. 217. 1987, pp' O. See p. Long. "Laugh and Be Well?" Psgchologg Todag, October

I described this phenomenon in my bookrhe Heart's code.

New york: Broadwav

28-29'

Books,1999. 11. D. Goleman. Emotional Intelligmce. New york: Bantam Books, 1995, p. 75.

12.Ibid., p.75.

in Ibid., p. 208. It was a study described by neurochemist Rachel Yehuda, who is director of the Traumatic stress studies program at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. See also D. Goleman. The New york rimes, october
6,1992.

13. This study is reported

7. K. M. Dillon, B. Minchoff, and K. H. Baker. "Positive Emotional states and Enhancement of the Immune System." Intemational Journal of Psgchiatry in Medicine. 1985-1986, Volume 15, PP. 13-17. 8. As quoted in lbid., P. 18. field 9. Dr. Meeker calls himself a "human ecologist," but his work contributes to the universitv The AZ: Tucson, suruiual. of The comedy Meeker. psychology. W. J. of positive ofArizona Press, 1997, P. 10.

L)z

I ll( lt((lltttl'ilt l,dtl0t l{). lbid., 1r. 15. Ibid., p. lzl. 12. lbid., p. 15. 13' fu defined

l nlnttl(\
2. Srr lris plrlrrrrtllrrr,,rlrirrg lrook lhottt tlrt dillcrcrrct'lltrtwt:ttt ir 1l;rtlrofttlic;rtltl s;llttltr rrerric rrrieltaliorr lo lrurlllr lrrtl hcaling. Ihtruucling tltc Mllslerg ttl Ileulllt. Sitlt lirattcist'o: Iosscy-llass, I1)137. ,,A New lake on Psychoneuroimmunolo$y." Monitor on Psychologg,
1].

ll.

Merriam-Webster, 1993, p. 211g. 14. I discuss the salutary effect of laughing and happiness in my book super.rrul, Leaming to Celebrate Euergday Life. New york: Doubleday, 19gg. 15' For a description of research related to this emotion, see B. L. Fredrickson. ,,Wh;rt Good Are Positive Emotionsr"Rea iew of Generar psgchorogy,yorume 2, r99g, pp. 300-:r r1). 16. B. T Yanow.ski. The Bad stuff Is the Good stuf/.-st. pete Beach, !.L: Hari, Irrc,, 2001, p.182. 17. For a summary of the research related to this emotion, see c. E. lzard. Humutr Emotions. New York: ptenum, 1977. 18. s. Lyubomirsky. "why Are Some people Happier Than others?,' American p41 chologist, March 2001, pp. 239*249.

in webster\ Third Neu Intemutionar Dictionarg. Springfierd,

MA;

B. Azar.

)rcember 200i, pp. 34-36. 4. Ibid., p. 34. lr. IDIO.. D. J5. 6. D. P. McAda ms. The stories we Liue Bg: Personal Mgths and the Make of the self. Ncw York: Morrow, 1993. 7. E. S. Epel, B. s. McEwen, and J. R. Ickovics. "Embodying Psychological Thriving: l'l.rysical Thriving in Response to Stress." Journal of Social lssues, Volume 54, 1995' pp' '.\(\l-322. See also, R. G. Tedeschi, c. L. Park, and L. G. calhoun (Editors). Posttraumatic ()rowth: Positiue Changes in the Aftermath of Crisis. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum
|

Associates, 1997.

19. Ibid., p. 241.

Psgchological Association Monitor, September lgg7, pp. 15 and 1g.

Inner Ocean Publishing, 2002. 28. M. csikszentmihalyi. "lf we Are so Rich, why Aren't we Happy?",4 merican psgchologist, October 7gg9, p. 824. 29. J. Martin. "Relative Deprivation: A Theory of Distributive Injustice for an Era o[ Shrinking Resources." Research in organizationar Behauio4 volume"3, 19g1, pp. 53-107. 30. P. shaver and J. Freedman. "your pursuit of Happiness." i+gchoiigg mday, August 26, 1976, p.29. 31. S. Pinker. How the Mind Works. New york: Norton. 1992. 32. As quoted in Ibid., p. 390. 33. M. Csikszentmihalyi. Op.cit., pp. 82I_g27. 34' This description of feeling "too busy to be concerned with being happy,, and an afterslow that occurs after flowing is described in W. Adlai-Gan. Exptoling the Autotelic Personality. unpublished Doctoral Dissertation, university of chicago, 1gd4. 35. As reported in R. A. clay. "Researchers Harness the power of Humor.,, American 36. As quoted

Square Press, 1952, p. 365 (original work published in 1920). 21. Ibid., p. 365. see also Freud. Beyond the preasure principle. New york: Liveright, 1950 (original work published in 1920). 22. H. M. Lefcourt. "Humor." In c. R. Snyder and S. J. Lopez. Handbook or.positirt, Psgchology. New York: Oxford University press, 2002, pp.619_431. 23' E. T. Higgins. "Beyond pleasure and pain." American psgchorogist, December 1997, pp. 1280-1300. 24' P. Brickman and D. T campbell. Reports of Happiness.chicago: Ardine, 1965. 25. Ibid., p. 821. 26' S' Lindner. The Harried Leisure Class.New York: Columbia University press, 1920. 27. P. Pearsall. Toxic success: How to stop striuing and start rhnuing. Makawau, HI:

20. s. Freud. A Generar Introduction to psgchoanalyszs. New york: washingt'rr

8. C. L. Park. ,,Assessment and Prediction of stress-Related Growth." Journal of t'ersonalitg , Volume 64, 1996, pp. 71-105. 9. For a description of this new field that studies the salutary effects of illness from fl're evolutionary perspective, see R. M. Nesse and G. C. Williams. Why We Cet Sick: The New Field of Darwinian Medicine. New York: Times Books, 1994. 10. Ibid., p. 35. stress and 1 1. A. Antonov sky. tlnraueling the Mystery of Health: How People Manage p' 17. 1987, Jossey-Bass, Stag Well. San Francisco:
12. Ibid., p. 18. 13. As quoted in |.)-

L. Dossey. "Forgetting. " .4ltematiue Therapies, Volume 8, 2002,

p.

in his book Health, stress, and coping: San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1979, Well-Being. Neu Perspectiues on Mental ond Physical
p. 128.
16. J. Piaget. Biologg and Knouledge. chicago: University of chicago Press, 1971. 17. T. H. Davenport and J. c. Beck The Attention Economg. Boston, MA: Harvard

14. A. AntonovskY. OP. cit, P. 18. 15. This point is made by Aaron Antonovsky

Business School Press, 2001, P. 22. 18. Research on women who underwent mastectomy showed that those who employed denial did better and lived longer than the patients who stoically faced their problem. K. W Pettingale, et al. "The Biological Correlates of Psycholoical Responses to Cancer." Journal ofPsgchosomatic Research, Volume 25, 1981, pp. 453-458'

20. B. Adjar. ,,A New Stress Paradigm for women." Monitor on

July/August 2000, p. 42.

19. Ibid., p. 3.

Psychology,

27. The literature on nursin$ homes is reviewed in J. Rodin. "Aging and Health: Effects of the Sense of Control." Science, Volume 233, 1986, p. 127I.

Psgchological Association Monitor, September tggZ, p. te 37. As quoted in lbid., p. 10.

in R. A. clay. "Laughter May Be No Laughing

.

Matter.,, American

Chapter 11

1. L. Dossey. "In praise Volume 2, Number 1, p. 10.

214

of unhappiness." Arternatiue Therapies, January 1996,

22.Ibid.. p.236. 23. M. Meaney, et al. "Effect of Neonatal Handling on Age-Related Impairments Associated with the Hippocampus." Science, Volume 239,766. 24.M.8. P. Seligman. Helplessness. NewYork:W. H' Freeman. 1992' 25. As quoted in R. S. sapolsky. whg zebras Don't Get Ulcers: A Guide to stress, Stress-Related Disease, and Coping. New Yorkl W. H' Freeman, 1994, p' 280' 26. As quoted in K. Pelletier. sound Mind, sound Body: A New Model of Lifelong
Health. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994, p- 57.

I lrr tlrtllnt,rrr

rrt

lot'

Clraplcr l2 l. M. li.

lron. Washington, D. C.: U. S. Congress, 1g9g. 3. M. E. P. Seligman. Learned Optimism. New york: Alfred A. Knopf, 1991, p. 15. 4. websterb rhird New International Dictionary. springfield, MA: Merriam-webstt:r, 1993, p. 1089. 5. As quoted in J. Jones and w. wilson. An Incomplete Eclucation. New vrrk: Ballantine Books. p. 313. 6. This study is reported in M. E. P. Seligman. Learned Optimism.New york: Knolrl,
1991.
18.
7

l). sclignran. l,aumad oplitrtisnt. Ncw y,rk: Allrctl A. l(..p1, ll)1)1. p.5. 2. M. Seligmar]' Opening Ren'rarks: (1'estimony) Curyre,;.sional Brielin(t tm l)rt,tu,tr

. L. Tiger.

optimism: The Biorogg of Hope . New york: Simon and schuster, 1979,

p.

8. This model was developed by psychorogist c. R. Snyder, et al. ,,Development antl validation of the state Hope scale.",/o urnal of personalitg and social psgchology. volunrt, 70, 1996, pp. 321-335. 9. s. L. Schneider. "ln Search of Realistic optimism .,, American psgchologist, Nlarch 2001, pp. 250*263.
10. Ibid., p. 252. 11. M. E. P. Seligman. Op. cit., p.76.

A Glossary of Termsfrom

the

Field of Positwe Psycholosl

12. lbid., pp. 48-49. 13. This point is made by S. solomon, J. Greenbert, and T. pyszezynksi. ,A Terror Management Theory of Social Behavior: The Psychological Functions of Self-Esteem antl cultural world views." Aduances in Experimental soiial psychology, volume 24, lggl, pp. 93-159. 14. As quoted in D. G. Myers. The pursuit of Happiness. New york: william Morrow and Company, 1992, p.204. 15. As quoted in lbid., p. 201. 16. w. Tatarkiewica. Analgsis of Happiness. The Hague: Martinus Nijhoff, rg76, p. r. 17. B. E. fuhford and G. E. Kreiner. "How can you Do It? Dirty work and the challenge of constructing a positive Identity." Acaclemy of Management Reuiew,1999, pp.

AccommodatingAtermusedbypsychologistJeanPiagettodescribemaking

significantchangesinthinkin$andhowwethinkwhenencounteringanewidc;r, concept, or event in our lives. Contrast with assimilation' Aliment Aterm used

thought, by psychologist Jean Piaget to describe an event,

into our way of thinking' or emotion that is either accommodated or assimilated

AllostasisTheprocessofthebodyadaptingtostress.Allostasistends[<l
stress' increase over time as we encounter and thrive throu$h as when we are relaxed' AnabolicThis involves conserving the body's energy' for counterbalancinEl catacalm, contented, and feeling connected. It is essential bolic, or energy-burning, processes'

413-434.

18. E. Langer. The power of Mindfur Leaming.Reading, MA: Addison-wesley, 1997. 19. M. E. P. Seligman. Op. cit., p.826. 20. G. oettinger. "Positive Fantasy and Motivation." ln p. M. Golwitzer and J. A. Bargh (Editors). The Psgchologg of Action: Linking Cognition and Motiuation to Behauior.

New York: Guildford, 1990, pp. 236-259. 21. T. Berry. The Dreamofthe Earth. San Francisco: Sierra club Books, 19gg, p. 124. 22. S. L. Schneider. Op. cit., p. 261.

Epilogue ofthe salutary effects ofprayer. For an interesting recent report on the power of prayer to influence mental health and how we construe events in our lives, see J. B. Meisenhelder and E. chandler. ,,prayer and Health outcomes in church
Members." Altematiue Therapies, Volume 6, Number
1. There are several.studies

,A,olepilikiaAHawaiianphrasemeaning..noproblem,,andreflectingthc highly adaptive and accommodating oceanic way of thinking' to describe dealin{ Assimilation A term used by psycholo$ist Jean Pia$et in our thinkwith new ideas or life events without makinSl a significant changie ing or how we think. Contrast wlth accommodating'

4, July 2000, pp. 56_60.

through his hearing Beethouen FactorBased on the great composer's thrivin$ works, it refers to the loss to create the "ode to Joy" symphony and other $reat new levels of creativity and $rowth' capacity to thrive through adversity and rise to and A characteristic of thrivin$ involvin$ mentally seeking Benefit-finding

finding$ains,personalgrowth,and/orenhancedinterpersonalrelationships from even the worst life crises. CatabolicThistermreferstotheburningofthebody'senergy,aswhenwe

236

,t7

'

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1:,1,

1u,

z\ ti/rrrlrllv

ttl li't'ttt ltttttttlttl:i,'l,lpl 1'o:ilit'r'l"vr/trr/rrrly

with6ut relicl. catecholamines These are .stress hormones (adrenalin and norepinephrirrt,) that cause the heart to race, blood vessers to constrict, and muscles to tense "the fight response." They are catabolic, or energy-burningi, neurohormones.
achieve purgation.

are anxiotls, agiLatccl, itllgry, itnd conrpctitivc. II is;r rrre[;rbolic lrrocgss l)rir));rrilt designed for survival but eventually destructive when prolonfetl

llcLtt.lttr'l'lris rsir grrreral temperarncttt ol'lriglr rt:lrctivity, strllsilivilV,;rrrtl l)r()ncncss to tlttick ;ttltl irtlcnse reaction' witv Inuincible 'l'his term refers to our natural capacity [o [row in sontt:

lltl

through any life crisis, including the process of dying' situ;rtiot Kindting This is an overreaction to trauma, managing to worsen tltc

r'

catharsis This term refers to expressing one,s deepest feelings to vent

It

.r

LanguishingAtermmeanin$notmentallyillbutlackingmenta|heaIth.lt
characterized by bcirrg is a silent but debilitating epidemic in the western world,

is wrongry assumed to be a way to dispel angry feelings.

cold Reactor This is a general temperament of row sensitivity, underrear:

tion, and tendency toward slower and less intense reactivity to life events. construing A word meaning to discover and appry meaning to the events our lives. Thrivers are highly adaptive ,,creative contruers.,,
irr

quiet despair, "going throtrflr tlevoid of positive emotions toward life, living in busy to lovtr ittttl the motions without high emotion," being weary, distracted, too strlli'r Americans percent of too tired to care. It is estimated that more than 75 from this "life delight deficiency."
pervasive. and perttlltttctrl Seligman describes our ability to learn a less personal, explanatory slvle ' orientation to life's problems; in other words, a more optimistic

corticosteroids These are stress hormones, including cortisone and cortisol_ catabolic, or energy-burning, hormones that over time weaken the body's

LearnedoptimismThisconceptofferedbypsycholoistMartirr|i.11

defenses.

and what ev'. lutionary advantages are associated with suffering and the symptoms of illness. Eleuating This term refers to feelings of increased energy, optimism, altru_ ism, and warmth in the chest and heart area resulting from dilation of the

Also referredto as evolutionary medicine, this is the field of study that applies the principles of evolutionary biology to the problems of mecl icine. It seeks to understand why sickness has not become extinct

Darwinian Medicine

NeotengThisisaconceptofferedbyanthropolo$istAshleyMtlnt;t{ttltt to lil'c' clescribe a state of retaining a childish, playful, trusting orientation

evcnts crttt Nonlocality This is a quantum physics concept that describes how happen free of time and space limitations' that looks PathogenicA word referrin$to a ne$ative, pessimistic orientation vttltte r human the primarily for the causes of illness and emotional distress and

blood

vessels caused by highly positive emotions and their accompanying hormones.

general tendency of the universe toward death and disorder.

Entropy This is a term from Newtonian physics referring to the idea that everything is slowly but surely disorganizing and falling apart. It refers to the

Explanatorg style A concept from the fierd of cognitive psychorogy, this refers to our individually unique way of assigning meaning to the events in our lives. A highly dynamic explanatory style promotes thriving.

with others, and having optimistic thoughts and hopeful feelings about work, life, play, and interpersonal relationships.
developed by psychologist Mihary csikszentmihalyi, refers to a state of mental focus so complete that it results in a loss of sense of time, place, and self. problems seem to disappear and we feel we are totallv in tune and lost in what we are experiencing. Gelontology The study of lauhter. Hardiness A concept deveroped by psychorogist suzanne ouelette Kobasa, it is thinking of the events in our lives from the perspective of challenge, commit_ ment, and control.

Flourishing This is feeling intensely and authentically alive, physicaily well, filled with emotional vitality, intensely and lovingly connected

why?" abilities. (Contrast with salutogenic.) lt asks, "Who $ets sick and plDS This is the abbreviation for "psychological immunity deficiency sytt think in terms o[ tltcr drome,,, which results from unawareness of or failure to principles of our natural emotional capacity to thrive through adversity. natural hunt:rtt Positiue Psgchologg This refers to the scientific study of our psy"optimum" strengths and virtues, our "thriveability." It is sometimes called contentment, iltrtl chology. It deals with the thriving skills of finding well-being, in our present life, ;rntl satisfaction with our past, flow happiness, and connection

FIou This concept,

well?" instead of, "wlty hope and optimism for our future. It asks, "why do we stay journal American Psgchokuisl do we get sick?" The first issue of the professional published in January 2(xx)' to deal directly and exclusively with this new field was

physical, lrrtl Post-Tlaumatic stress Disorder ersD An emotional, mental, periods of time al-tcr spiritual reaction to severe stress that occurs for prolonged the trauma. This refers to emotional, men[;tl, stress or physical. and spiritual strengthening, or "steelingl," because of severe Post-T|aumatic Thriuing Response

erTH

adversity that continues throughout life'

PsychologicallmmunesgstemThisreferstoourmentalandemtllirlrr;l|
2

238

i()

lrt llttllnyLtt I ir tor

"dcfcnse sy.s[ct))" tllat lrcllls tts corrslrrrt orrr.sclvrs orrl ol', l)1st, ilpd 5qv,rtl llrr, adversities and stressors of our lives.

Psychoneuroimmunologg This is the study of how the rrind interacLs wirlr the immune system.
Resilience This refers to recovering to preadversity level, managing to recovcr. salutogenic This means a positive, optimistic orientation that looks prim.r

rily for human physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional resources. (contra.sl with pathogenic.) It asks, ,,Who stays healthy, and why?,' schema This is a term used by psychologist Jean piaget to describe our way of thinking and current mental "set" or way of construing events in our lives.
sense

of

coherence This concept, developed by psychologist Aaro'

ibti oy aplty of

t o s it iv e t sSt ch ol ogSt Refer en c

Antonovsky, is the sense that life is comprehensible and meaningful. A stronEiand adaptive explanatory style is related to a strong sense of coherence. shadenfreude This is a German word describing gaining pleasure from others' pain. It refers to a comparative orientation in one,s joy requiring that we feel someone else is suffering more than we are. Sickness Response The essential human reaction to stress, characterizedby fatigue, withdrawal from sex and eating, and general malaise. It provides for necessary rest and reflection that can lead to thriving.

Adams, W. F. Ireland and

lrish Emigrations in the Neu Woild' New Haven'

CT: Yale

University Press, 1932. ,'Exploring the Autotelic Personality." unpublished Doctoral Dissertatton' Adlai-Gail, w.
UniversitY of Chicago, 1994.
E- J. Anthonv ,,The Syndrome of the Psychologically vulnerable child." In Anthony, E. J. Risk' Psgchiatric at children and c. Koupernik (Bditors). rne cnffi in His Family: New York: WileY, 1974, PP- 529*545'

sIG (stress Induced Growth) Rising above the level of functioninq that existed prior to a life trauma. suruiuing This is about regaining most, but not alr, of our originar way of thinking and feeling in the aftermath of adversity; managinEi to exist. Tbmperamenl rhis is a moderately stable emotional, mental, and behavioral way of reacting to the world present at a birth.
Thanatophobn This is the fear of death, and a primary, often unconscious, source of the anxiety that blocks the thriving response. Thriuing This means growing physically, mentaily, emotionally, and spiritually because of trauma or adversity; managing to become. [Incertaintg Principre proposed by 1932 Nobel prize-winning physicist

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flexible stYle, 46 life's torture's, 218

1,

mind,48
wisdom,48
adaptive recovery Powers, 20 adversity,
absence of, 173 afterlow of, 177

psychological immune system of, 125 psychological traumas of, 44

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questioning faith,45 quotes of, 40, 161 thriving role model, 125 benefit finders, 184*185 Benson, Herbert, 5, 8
Berk, Lee S., 165 Berry, Thomas, 218

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1992.

comic approach to, 167 dealing with, 32, 135 extraordinary, 23 growing through, xliv, 137 made stronger bY, 25 mentally en$aged with, 24 overcoming, 37 refusing to react to, 91
severe,216

"better-off-afterward" reaction, 21
Begond Recouerg, 65 Bierce, Ambrose, 176 biofeedback, 37 Biondi, Matt, 56, 207 -208 brain abuse, 32

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spiritually engaged in, 38 succumbing to, 9 thriving through, xi-xiii, 13,29 victim resPonses to, 175 Affleck, Glenn, 66 aliment, 191-195,237 allostasis, 114,237 aloha, 176,788
anabolic, defined, 14, 714,237 and healing influences, 165-166

"broaden-and-build" model, 162 Bryant, Fred B., xxxv Bryant, Kobe, 88 Buddha, 58-59, 83 Buddha's Four Noble Truths, 58-59' 83
Campbell, JosePh, 179 Camus, Albert, xxxviii, 2i5 cancer, dialnosis of, 104, 109 false hope and, 51 fear of, 3l "healing price," 197-198 misery of, 57 music and, 61 psychological immune system and, 149

Wilbua K. The Spectrum of Consciousrzess. Wheaton, IL: euest, 1972.

Yannowski, B. T. The Bad stuff Is the Good stuff. st. pete Beach, FL: Hari, Inc., 2001.

hormones, 114-117, t21 neurohormones, 122-t23

antibodies, 165, i83 Antonovsky, Aaron,

Candide,204
Carver, Charles S., 6, catabolic, See c/so kindling defense mode, 121 defined, 237-238

background, 182 pathogenic Point of view, 183

quotes, 190

f57

"salutogenic," coining the word, 36, 84, 91

salutogenisis, 182 sense of coherence, 182-183, 190 studies on healing, 202
'A'ole

pilikia,237

assimilation, 237 "Awe-Full" Life, 163-164

Banks, William,29 Beck, John, 192 Beethoven Factor,

destructive, ll3 emotional flooding, 12 "energy-burning" lifesaving mode, 5, 165 hormones, 114-117 neurohormones, 1 l4
PTSD and, 119, 123

-state-inducing memories, 120

state of kindling, 14 stress hormones, 13

the beginnings, 18,41 defined, 48-49,237 Beethoven, Ludwig von

See also "Ode

survivor reaction, 15
catecholamines, 119 catharsis, 9, 14 cathecholamines, 114 See a/so catabolic

to

IoY"

approaching dealh' t27

biogiraphY of,4043 consciouslY creative, 126 creative composer, 53

cautious oPtimism, 156

C'deBaca, James, 81

250

251

I llt: lt((tllnl't:1, l:tlt'l0f

In(lF,{

clrlllt'rrfr, lliT
chccrlirlncss, feigrrcd, 4(i ch i ldren, cautious optimism in, 156 dysfunctional, 35 highly at-risk, 98 impaired, 38 innate childish silliness, 170 inner, xxxvii, 17 lessons from, 96-98
"stress-resistant," 82

tk'rri;rl, crcirl ivc, ll I d;rngcr ol, l7 dcep state ol, 2i)

litttilrrl, 'lll
ncw, (i

"llirl)l)ioll)[Y," xxxiv "happy.philiir," l'14

2
| 1)

optirttistic,

hardiness,
Slee a/.sr.r Job, storY ot

psychological immune system and, 33

delusional,

TlJ

enlilhtened, 75, 95, 162

suspension of, 38 depression, See a/so kindling

chronic victimhood, 14 codependence, xiv, xxxvii cognitive processing, 100-101 cold reactor, 236 consciousness catalyst, 8, 47, 61, 185 "consciousness creators," 6 construing,
defined, 10, 238

constructive aspects of, 84 immune function and, 183 long-term well-being, 185 psychology's viewpoint, 73
Diener, Edward, 83, 173-17 4 "disequilibration," 47 disequilibrium, 78, 131 dissociation, See ako denial: delusional; delightful: dissocia_

failure-to-thrive, 1 i7-1 18 feminine funnY bone, 177-178 See a/so humor fight-or-flight mode,4, 6, 166 flappabilitY, 120 flourishing,
See a/so savoring; thriving before-death, xxvii defined, 238 life, xx as a natural gift, )Lx in our present, 36

control factor of, 179

defined, 238 factors, 155*158 through the hard times, 143-159

highJevel mental, xxxix

imprint, 148-149
Kobasa's concePt of, 165, 183 mental, 137, 215

psychoimmunolo $ical,

4445

stress,199 "Have Faith, Calm Down, and Don't Despair" rulc'

43

start, xviii
flow,

positive, 10 controt, l5/ giving up, 157-158 corticosteroids, 236 cortisol, See ako catabolic prolonged secretions of, 114 significantly reduced, 165
couple's,
See also marriages; relationships

tlon
aescflDed, /.t

Csikszentmihalyi's idea of, 165' 182,202

162

temporary

divorce, life after, 195 life stressor, 59 normal, 27

defined, 238 ebb and, 43 Going with the, 160-161

healing, vs. curing, 60 mental diet Plan, 191-195 nature of, 200 power of suffering, 199

with life, 183 nalural,42

sense of, 137 state ol 161

dobal,734,135
dying,
components of, 116 fear of, niii

promoting, 198 through the horrible times, 181-200 health reprobates, 35 lessons from the, xli-xlii, health terrorism,
beware of, xxxix-xli psycholoical, 26 heart attack, learning from a, 73' 44' 203

confidence, xxiii creative coping, xxiii

enduring loving unity, 68

creative accommodation, 46 creatlve compartmentalizing, 92 creative disengagement, xxviii crisis,

meaningful, 7 stages of, 31*32

study of death and, 74

transitional time, 73

will to live when, 18-19

dysfunction,
Beethoven Factor and, xiii psychology and, xiv, 17 ego, fragile, xxxviii Eighth Deadly Sin, The, xiv-xv elevating, 238

"forgettory," memory counterPart, 190-191 using your, 193, 199 Fowler, James, xxiv Fredrickson, Barbara L., 162 Freud, Sigmund, xxxviii, 173,205 Garfield, James A., 10 GarmezY, William, 82 gelontologist, 170
gelontologY, 170 defined, 238 gener alized resistance,

hedonistic treadmill, getting off the, 173-174 stuck on the, 175

HemingwaY, Ernest, 65 Higgins, E. TorY, 173

highJevel,
adaPtabilitY, xxxvii wellness, 24 high self-esteem, xxxiv highly resilient Persons, 16 Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating, 59 H olo caust Test imonie s, 9 4 hope,

anticipating, xlv chain reaction, 121-122, 145 comic approach to, 168 coping, 13, 131, 146
cycle, B, 13, 15 management, 122,137 reaction stages, 14*15, 17

deficits, 183
resources, 182 Goleman, Daniel, 12, 119-120

yo-yoing, 14 Cronin, A. J., 10 Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly,

happiness r esults, 137, 202 idea of flow, 765,176,782 pathogenic research, 91 Positive Psychology Network, 83 positive psychology pioneer, xxv, no(iv, 183 quote, xxxiii, 58 research, 160-161

emotional, antigen, 5, 32,43,187 audit, 143, 145 deep breathing, 171

erevateo, I /

Gottman, John, 12

guilt,
glutton, 35
Sood,74

-capital, 203
defined, 203 despair's counter emotion, 208 eternal, 213-215' 224, 225 false, 28 is hope, 51

flooding, 12 hijacked, 12
responsivity, 6

-ridden, 75
gurus, beware of, 75

enlightened quitters, 6, 157

entropy, 238 Epel, Elissa S., 113 explanatory style, adaptive, 172 creative, 167 defined, 238

"positive thinking," 28
psychologY, 89 Haidt, Jonathan, 17 "half glass" test, 30 Handbook of Positiue Psgchologg, xxv happiness, construal approach to, 101 naive, 205 reflection and, 131

losing all, 74 magical antidote, 203 olympic-size, 207-208

power of, 208

Darwinian medicine, 185 Davenport, Thomas H., 192 delight(ful),

dependent,

l63

disassociation, 96

developing an, 74,204 a dynamic, 28-29 emotional immunity and, 32 evolving, 103 flexible, 33

what good is,21l-2I2 hot reactor, 239 humor, comic contemPlation, 167-168
develoPing a sense of, 85 die laughing, to' 164-165

distracted from,172 leading a life of, 85

"rotten to the core, xxxviii

for the sad times, 160-180 variance in, 99

eliciting,172

)<)

lll It/|tlttt,ilt lrttl0t'

Irrrrinirtc lrrrrrry lrorrt', lirrtl vrrrrr'. 177 l?,8 and lreitltlt rrrovcrrrIrrl, 177

Il,r lt'.\

r;rlttl,lt,r'llcr'ls ol,
strlrilrisrirrr r sitlrr;rl, It'irrs ol, | 70

I r'0
I 71)

srckirrg, l6(i soltening ttre blow with, l6ti Ickovics, Jeannette It., 88, 91, i13 immune-brain loop, 184 invincible,
defined, 87, 239

Lrlcourt, llcrberl M., 177 l?n l,cibniz, (l0ttl.rie d, Wilhe lnr von, 2{)1r 206. 2()li lighl,heartcd logic of, 204 "lemonade-making" mentality, 1 58
Lerner, Michael, 99

Mttrlrlty's l,,tw ut l,r'tlrtttz's natural killL'r' r'rlls, l{ili naupuku, l\8 "neoteny," 170

hrlrc,2l)ll

201)

l'i;rgt't,.ltrrtt, 4{i 47, ll)l ll)2 l'll)S (l,syt:lr1|rgical Irrrrrrrrrrr. | )tlicitttt

emotionally, 29 invincibility, numan, 5b, I /z intimate, 141 "invincibles, the," 7

Izzie('s), desire to live, 56 diet books and, 27 PTSD moments, 119 a "real joker," 93

"Let It Co" rule, 42

Levy, Becca,111

life appreciation, xii, 84 Lincoln, Abraham, 98, 161 Linkletter, Art, xrr

ldkahi,68
lowered expectations, 45-46 consciousness of, 48 Maier, Steven, 184, 187 marnages, See also couple's

defined, 239 "never say die" attitude, xxviii New Age thinking, 27 "new obscenitY, the," 29 Ninth Symphony, See "Ode to JoY" Nizami, 219 nonlocalitY, quantum Principle ol 84, 93 Nonparental Hardiness Role Model, 155-156

Syrrdrorrr:), ll2 pik.rerections, 7$'7I pilomotor muscles (pilomotion), 70, I l4 Pinker, Steven, 176 plasma cytokine $amma interferon' l(i5 See a/so anabolic pleasure princiPl es, 772-179 positive, attitude, forced, xxi emotions, xx, xxxix, 162' 19:|

"nutrition PYramid," xl
"Ode to Joy," thrill of conducting, xi, 160 omnipresent stressors, xxxiv

illusion, 95 self-affirmations, 209

positive thinking, popular psycholo6y's version of, 46 power of, 209 rational, xxxiv

thriving, 112 James, William,

rxvi, rxx, 8l

agony vs. ecstasy, xiii quoted, xvii "souls with a sky-blue tint," xii wisdom of, xxiv Jamieson, Kathleen Hall, 83 Job. story of, l5l Joumal of the American Medical Association, xx, xl joy of fixation, 64 joyfulness, lrrwi

fail to thrive, 12 long-lasting, 27

Maslow, Abraham, 89, 206 Massey, Sean, 103 Masten, Ann S., 155, 158 McAdams, David, 185 McEwen, Bruce S., 113 McGovern, George, xl Meador, Clifton K., xx

optimism, blind, rri cautious, 156

derivative of, 209

trainer in, 2l I post-traumattc,

shock, 78 stress disorder, xiii thriving rcsp()nsc {l/l'1 1{}, xiii power, of intent, ll4 of pretentling, {)4 1}5 praYing, 225

enlightened, xii, 218 future-oriented, 92

learned'202,215,239
Seligman's Three P's o1,272-213

'just world phenomenon,"

Kaminer, Wendy, 65
Karakashian, 134

9g

kindling, See also catabolic; depression ro aoversrty, I /5 couples co-, 12

defined, 239

"meaning reconstruction," 64 meaning-making, 33,36 cognitive processing, 100 meditation, xxviii, 169
Meeker, Joseph W., 166-162

unrealistic, 29 optimistic PrinciPles, 215-218 palo Alto Center for Advanced Studies in the Behavioral Sciences, 82
Park, CrYstal, 88, 91

mental,
alertness, 6 assessment, 29

partners-in-thriving, 14 Pasteur, Louis, xlii-xliii, 147 pasteurization, xliii

pathogenic, See also PsYchologY, Pathogenic assumptions, 80

"pretrauma testing''' {)5 problem-commitnrcnl, I 5{i Problems of I)aily l,iving (llirrit: 55,82 professional Pessimists' ll5 Provine, Robert lt., tTlJ- 179
Pruzinsky, Thomas, l0 Pryor, Richard, 165 "Psi" phenomena, 84, 94

(l'l)l'(l)'

xxv' xxxv'

emotional worsening, 16
psychological immune system, 121

barriers, 92
"delete" key, 190 diet, 191-194, 208 downshifting, 46

counter, 84
defined, 239 dominance of the, 26

psycho-immunitY, 174
psychological,

reaction, 8-13 response to PTSD, 119 worsening your problems, 140

Kobasa, Suzanne Ouellette, hardiness concepts, 147-148, 154, lS5 research, 137 stress effects studies, 147,202 Koch, Robert, xlii postulate, xlii Langer, Lawrence, 94 languishers, xv, xix

bodybuilding, 774-177

eating, 195 evolutionary leftovers, false alarms, 119 framing, 102

games,211

11

languishing,
See a/so sur.uiving

defined, xiv, 239 severe illness and, 181 in a trance of distracted, xiii laughter, See a/so anabolic; humor emotional arouser, 169 female vs. male, 177-778 pain reducer, 165, 169 physiological immune system and, 165

healing, 183-184 illusionists, 29 reframing, 216 resilience, 158 rest,116 temper tantrum, 9 tricks, 92 upshifting, 46 "wiggle room," 2l2 Miller, William, 81 mirth-itation, 85, 169 mirth mantras, 164
mlsery,

fixation, 64 medical establishment, 17 medicine, 118 model of life and health, xliii orientation, 28 paradigm, 82 projections, 97
regression, 64

immunization,43
offense, 95-96

terrain, xliii
psychological immune system, adversity and our, 37 anabolic aspect of, 122 coordinator of, 33 defined, 239

"pathogenic-survivor-recovetl" orientation, 66
pathologY,
absence of, xxxvi

derivative of, xxxix modern medicine emphasis, 31, 34

-orjented PsYcholo$Y, xxviii

pathopessimism, xl Pearl Harbor, 188 personalitY transPlant, 48 pessimism, 26, 36, 159 disappointment leading to, 203 periods of, 213 rational, 202 Seligman's Three P's of, 214

inborn, xix inoculated for crisis, 95 meaning and the, 49 power of the, 52, 118 psycholo$ical immunitY, inhibiting the, 33 natural, 8 neglecting the, 124
reactions, 43 research in, 191

strengthening the, 129, 196

weakening the, 120 psychologY, Pathogenic, Sea a/so Pathogenic

finding meaning in, 54-69

happiness through, 161 Montagu, Ashley, 170

)<t

ll( ltilllltrl'(ll l:ttl0l'

;lssililtl)l tolt 01, xxrvti rlcl)ression viewpoirrl, 7il clisordrr errrplrasis, l)5 GIIDs and, l{J.J medical training and, xl menopause and, 199 modern medicine and, xxxrx orientation, xxxviii l{otlrrs, ('lr l, 81t, ll1){; Ilrxrscvt,ll. l,ilt'lrror, xxxviii, ii, 2lI lltrl lcr, Miclr;rcl, l15 Sairkvilrre, K;rrcn W, 6{i
sa0ness, absence of, xxxvi

l,,r/('.\
ill|lillt, xxl
4

tlrlirrrtl, ill(l llalurirl lllr ivlrll'l lrsl)ollsc'

learning tht, l1)5

positive psYcholoSY's, 3 post traumatic, xiii, 239

lhrivin( is, 7{;

stress-induccd stren$th, 2 1 "subjective well being," 173 "suffer Wisely and Cheer Up" rule, 43 survival, beyond survival, 55 guides, xlv response,121

quantum, 93 Thriving Times Test, 59-61

Tice, Diane, 10 Tiger, Lionel, 210 toughening-uP Process, 1 13

pain vs. pleasure, 173 sexual assault survival and, g1 psychology, popular, existence of, 89

dreading of, 84 naturalness of,

l82
1g6

thriving role of,

salutogenic, approach, 36_37

platitudes, rrxiv
positive thinking version, 46 teaches, 9 psychology, positive, beginnings of, xiii

defined,240 model, 198 orientation, 36, 91, 1g2

perspective, 84 questions, 39

short-term, 114 stage,722 surviving, See a/so languishing beyond,224

consumed with, 91 defined, 240

transformations, 81 trauma, adaptively construing, 119

catastrophic, xli

emotional, 38 fl ourishing desPite, xxxviii

ghosts of Past, 121 life,7, 43,71, 110, 134, I71 sixteen questions, 132-133 stages ol )'45-146 -tested guidelines, xxxiv

curriculum,

85

"savorability," xxxv
savoring, Sze a/so flourishing: thriving skill, xxxv schadenfreude, 1 76 Scheier, Michael R., 152

glossary of terms, 232_240

reaction, 15
"systems sensitive," 15 tempered temper tantrums, value of, 119-120, 130

optimism,202 physiological immune system and, 165 research in, xiv, 59 salutogenic orientation of, 211
suggests, 8

tend-befriend-comprehend reaction, 5
Tennen, Howard, 66

unique form of invincibility, lrrx psychoneuroimmunology, xl, 95, 1g3 defined,240 psychotherapy, xxxiv
goals of, 67 intense, 28 "quantum psychological change,', g1

"schema," 192,194 Schlieman, Leita, xlv, 221

, Schneider, Sandra L., ZI2,2lg self,image, negative, xxxiv, 111, i72 sellpitying stage, 14 self-recrimination, 216 Seligman, Martin,

transitional, xxxvii traumatlc,

ghosts,
1

biography,202
Positive Psychology Network founder, g3 research, I37 Three Ps of Optimism, 212 Three Ps of pessimism, 214 September 11,200I, terrorist attacks, 135 sexual assault, 80, B1 shadenfreude, 240 shame, xxxiv, 74 sickness,

recovery See also resllience

beyond, 65

emotional, 26 fixation on, xii impaired response, 24

powers, 20 process of, 6

trauma,24

vigilant state of,

regression,

66

circuit,

184

thanatophobia, 240 Thoreau, Henry David, 204, 226 thrival guide, xlv thriveability, blinded to, xii description of, 45 enhancing, 154 promoting, 37 studying, 21 testing your, 128*142 Thriveability Test, 135-138, 140-141 thriveologists, 81, 83 thriveology, curriculum for, 81 thriver's, guide, xlv intolerance, 152 invincibilitY, xlv
knowledge, xii

18

turninI Points, llll]- ll]lr trying timcs ltst, 51)

uncertairltY Print:iPIc, 1)/t, 240 urrflappahlc, I l1) upward psycltologicill I riU(lclorv, corrsistent, li]7 intentionitl distritcliorts ;rrrtl, l2 maintaining a, 202 major turning Poirrts witlr, l4 | positive psYchokrgy alld, xv ventilating, 14

venting,9-10, 12,

120

Veroff, Joseph, xxxv

victim mentalitY, 13-15 See a/so kindling vital signs, 24

Voltaire, 204*206,209 Watts, Alan, 190 Werner, EmmY,96-98, 104-105, 117, 158
Wildavsky, Aaron, 26 willful lowering of expectation, 216 worldwide recovery movement, 17 worrying, 10-12 Yanowski, Barbara T., 171 zeitgebef' 12

calming, 96

model, 26 response, 181, 184_185, 1gZ

116

optimism, 205 psychoimmunitY, 42 thriver's techniques, adaptive construing, 119 comic construing, 177 construing crises PositivelY, 158 creative construing, 45, 56, 88

joy of fixation and, 64, threat of,722

Sea a/so couple,s

vulnerability, xli
Siegel, Bernie, 32 SJgg (salivary immunoglobulin A), 165

relationships, xiv. xxiii. 27, Bl individuals vs., 118 looking within, 100 relaxation response, s
resilience,
See also recovery

Smith, Ruth, 97

Snodgrass, Sara E., 102-104 social commitment, 156

defined, 5, 20,240 fixation on, xii

spiritual, engagement,6, 1Zl Ianguishing, xxviii Spitz, Mark, 207 stoicism, 66

stress,

thriving,
See a/so flourishing; savoring dialectics, 72

Inner, t5t) mental, 158

and positive psychology,

2I

buffers, 154 hormones. 12 -13,210

response, 4-5, 10, 13 success symbols, 16 surrogate, 95 stress-induced growth, clinics, 67

group,118 multidimensional, 25 quantum, 81, 93 reaction, 17, 123

superstars of, xxix, 22, /10 template for, xv, xxix, xxxiv tendencies, 33 therapy, 82

reaction, 76,24
response, 4

resilient psychoimmunity, 3g
Roche, Arthur Somers,

thriving

resPonse,

l0

collective, 1ll3

256

,<7

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