1 1/20/1996 I just saw the saddest thing happen.

During lunch period today I heard an eruption of laughter coming from the table next to mine. I looked over to see two freshmen boys sitting at a table together surrounded by four upperclassmen boys and girls. They were taunting the poor boys about how much time they spend together. Saying extremely rude things about them like, men who choose to be with men are a waste of space and life. The first question that came to mind was, What if it isnt a choice! I had never been aware of blatant bullying like this towards any of my peers but once I did, it made me think. Maybe I had always been aware of it, but chose not to see it. Just like I had always been aware of my own insecurities, but chose not to see those either. I am seventeen years old and for as long as I can remember, I have had an attraction towards women. I have been keeping this journal since I was thirteen years old and even still, never allowed myself to recognize these feelings. Afraid that if I wrote them down, they would somehow be immortal and real. I am even more fearful that a family member would find the writings and be aware that I am not normal. I do not know why I am not interested in men and I do not understand why I have to hide who I am from the world. The situation that I witnessed today has pushed me to seek information and get the questions that rumble around in my brain at night answered. When people come at me with ignorance, I need knowledge to fight back with. That is, if I decide to join the fight at all. In any case, these next few entries will document my findings. 1/21/1996 Last night my family went out for dinner but I played sick and stayed home. As soon as they left I looked up movies for lesbians on the internet. The first film that caught my eye was

2 one made in 1994 called Bar Girls. I thought that maybe somewhere in the plot I could gain answers to the questions I have about my sexual orientation. I must say that parts of this movie really confused me. The movie was about a group of women who regularly hang at this bar. Throughout the film we follow their encounters with love and relationships. The two main characters are lesbians who meet at the bar and endure a testy relationship full of trials that they eventually conquer such as infidelity, jealously, and ambivalence. But it seemed that love, monogamy, and fidelity were so transitory to the lesbian community. Is this how it really is? For example, the two main characters were both in serious relationships when they met. There was a scene during which they were telling one another about their significant others. One of the women was in love with a straight woman. When asked about their sex life she responded that they used to have sex but not anymore because her straight partner said it did not feel right. When asked why her straight partner does not date men, the response was Because she loves ME. To be a lesbian I guess one does not have to engage in sexual activity with females, but then how else is it determined? Is it a feeling you get, or do you just know? Although I enjoyed the movie overall, there was another scene that perplexed me. The main character was chatting with her straight best friend Victoria at lunch one afternoon. The waitress was clearly interested in Victoria and by the end of the scene Victoria was begging her friend to find her a lesbian to have sexual relations with. Is that all we are, a commodity to pick up and drop off at your own leisure? Many things in a relationship between same-sex couples can be transitory, but I never thought of the sexual orientation itself being transitory as well. I think it may go back to relating sexual acts with the orientation. They are not one in the same clearly.

3 1/22/1996 We had a group project meeting for my American Literature class at the local library. I never realized how huge that place was. After our meeting, I picked out two books that may help me on my quest and ducked off to a secluded area. I found one that had parts I felt that I could really relate to. The book is called Skin by Dorothy Allen. I chose it because it talks about not only sexuality, but how class is intergraded into the equation as well. The narrator speaks about how she grew up as a poor white little girl. I find it fascinating how our struggles were so different but the emotions we felt were one in the same. Allen writes, the fear and the sudden urge to run and hide, to deny, to pretend that I did not know who I was and what the world would do to me(Allen 1994: 13). Because of her class and sexual orientation, this little girl felt it necessary to not be who she really is. Same sex couples are not celebrated amongst the masses and that lifestyle although it is who I am, would not be an easy road to travel. I am a woman, I am black, and I am a lesbian. Throughout this reading, I am gaining a lot of understanding on the other factors that contribute to the treatment one receives from the world. The other reading was a bit harder for me to grasp at first but, once I did, I began to understand how the term lesbian developed and how the term continues to be shaped and changed by the context of the times. It was a book called Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers by Lillian Faderman. I was shocked to read that homosexuality was first named a mental illness. As I think on that information, I can now grasp why people treat us as if we are so outside of the norm. Individuals with mental illnesses were never treated normally and still arent. Just like homosexuals must live differently than heterosexuals, they must lead their lives much differently than people without mental illnesses. Even though today homosexuality is not thought to be a mental illness, I can still see the lasting effects that era had on todays society. Although it was published in 1992, the book goes into

4 great detail about 20th century America in relation to the war and womens roles. In Chapter Five, we see the attitudes towards women and lesbians change drastically before, during and after the war. Before the war lesbians were seen as people with something seriously wrong with them mentally, during the war women were called upon to come and replace men in the factories and in the workplace, women were needed and celebrated at this time. After the war we were expected to drop our newly found freedom to head back into a life of seclusion and patriarchy (Faderman 1992: 119). We must move through society as men expect us too, or as society expect us too. I am beginning to think they are one in the same. 1/24/1996 I heard Vogue by Madonna played on the radio on the way home from school today. I never really listened to the lyrics and the words in relation to my life before though. I have come to recognize Madonna more and more as a gay icon. Her music calls for the empowerment and uplifting of all that are oppressed in society. That includes not only gays and lesbians, the poor and disabled, but blacks and women as well. In her song she sings Look around everywhere you turn in heartache, It is everywhere that you go, You try everything you can to escape, The pain of the life that you know (Madonna: 1990). I believe that this is so relevant to how many teenagers like me may feel. I do not think it is fair that we must live in fear and sometimes humiliation regarding something that we cannot change about ourselves. I respect people like Madonna for trying to bring a groups together her music. I think it is powerful and listening to her music more and more everyday is helping me to understand that not everybody is out to get me. Some people understand and some people actually want to help ease the pain and confusion that comes with being queer.

5 1/26/1996 I am finally back home in New Jersey from a long night out! I had been hearing a lot about this play called Rent showing in a Broadway premiere in New York, City. I suckered my best friend into going with me and was sure to buy tickets way in advance. Little did she know, I was trying to still seek answers about how to do my sexuality correctly. This play had a major impact on its audience because the director died the night before the opening show. I thought since it had changed the views of people about homosexuality, then maybe I would finally become comfortable with my own sexuality. The play made me extremely emotional, especially the lyrics in the song called Take Me Or Leave Me. The song starts off with the actress being uncomfortable in her own skin because she felt that everyone could see her sexuality written over her face as she walks through the crowd. But she makes a bold statement saying take her as she is and who she was meant to be. I thought to myself I cannot choose to be the way I am. I just AM. I cannot be what I am not. Seeing such strong women acting in their lesbian roles made me want to model their attitude about their sexuality. Even lesbians struggle with the same struggles that straight people do. We are not an alien race, we are people too.

6 Reflection Writing this paper from the perspective of a lesbian in the 1990s was taxing. I felt that I could relation very well to the identity of a lesbian being that my own sexual orientation is bisexual. I can understand some of the struggles, emotions and experiences that she may have gone through at that age because at that age, I was experiencing them as well. The time period is what held me up a bit because although it may seem as though the 90s were just yesterday, in regards to how society felt about lesbians much has change. I feel that in the 90s the younger generations of homosexuals were beginning to make their mark on society but in a smaller realm such as schools, communities, and families, it was still very difficult for one to come out and be exactly who they were. I leaned more towards the media aspect when finding sources because as a teenager, most media like music and movies is marketed towards us and heavily saturated with ideas, beliefs, and etiquette regarding sexuality and how it is supposed to look and act on male and female bodies. Overall, I learned that although within the LGBT community we all face similar struggles everyones journey can vary tremendously. How I analyze something may be totally opposite of how another person views the same thing, even if we share similar struggles. The best thing to do is to take these experiences for everything they are worth, learn and move on to educate others about the issues you have found and experienced.

7 References Allison, Dorothy. Skin: Talking about Sex, Class & Literature. Ithaca, NY: Firebrand, 1994. Print. Bar Girls (1994) - IMDb. Dir. Marita Giovanni. 1994. The Internet Movie Database (IMDb). Netflix. Web. 26 Oct. 2011. <http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109217/>. Faderman, Lillian. Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: a History of Lesbian Life in Twentiethcentury America. New York, NY: Penguin, 1992. Print. Madonna. Vogue. Sire, 1990. CD. Rent. Dir. Jonathan Larson. 1996. Film

Therapy Group Therapists introduces group and asks for feedback on the assignment we were given. *first transitionawkward pause..then 1) Heterosexual female goes first, *transition to race* ..then heterosexual malecant believe I did not find any research on my race, thats so gay.. 2) Homosexual male, then homosexual female. 3) Lesbian..*talks about bar girls. , then bisexual. 4) Intersexed, then Transgender female to male *I wish I had the choice..* 5) Transgender male to female.