10/21/2013

Topics

Making Friends and Social Development

AUSTINA DE BONTE
PRESIDENT, NW GIFTED CHILD ASSOCIATION CO-CHAIR, NORTHSHORE HIGHLY CAPABLE ADVISORY BOARD

A few basics Introverts, extroverts, conformists & independents Social maturity & social mismatch Social life at school Now what?

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

The Bell Curve

Neurotypical 10 year old IQ: 100 Mental Age: 10

IQ: 60 Mental Age: 6

IQ: 140 Mental Age: 14

A few basics
Profound Moderate Mild Mildly Moderately Highly Profoundly Neurotypical Gifted Retardation Severe Retardation Mental Gifted Gifted Gifted Retardation (Bright) Retardation
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte 2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

IQ runs in families

Asynchronous

Different ability/maturity levels in different areas Example: a 5 year old

Out of 148 sets of siblings

over 1/3 were within five IQ points of each other

Doing math like an 8 year old Reading like a 10 year old Writing like a 6 year old Emotional maturity of a 4 year old Social maturity of an 8 year old Social skills of a 5 year old

over 3/5 were within 10 points

nearly 3/4 were within 13 points

But second-born less likely to be identified Parents and grandparents too

Most gifted kids develop asynchronously Dont assume a higher level of maturity comes with advanced academic skill MYTH: If she cant do XX well, then shes not gifted
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

(Linda Silverman, Gifted Development Center)

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

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Twice-Exceptional - 2e

Gifted AND

Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dysnomia, Dyspraxia

ADHD, Autism, Aspergers Spectrum Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, CAPD) Anxiety, Depression, Mood Disorders, OCD, Vision Processing Deficits (1 in 4, underdiagnosed)

17% of general population, much higher of gifted Giftedness can mask learning disabilities

Introverts, Extroverts Conformists, Independents

IQ subtest patterns can help diagnose

Many gifted traits mimic ADHD, Aspergers traits Diagnosis is tricky! Insist on an expert
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte 2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Introverts vs. Extroverts

Independent vs. Conformist

Introverts
Get

Independent
March to Personal To

energy by being alone

their own drummer

Stereotype: quiet,

shy, reserved, need processing time, think before talking, prefer 1-on-1 over groups, want a few good friends some can be very social as well! energy by being with other people

desires arent swayed by group opinions

thine own self be true to belong to a group to blend in, fit in to peer pressure
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

But,

Conformist
Want Will

Extroverts
Get Stereotype: talkative, outgoing, enjoy

adjust their desires to remain with the group

parties, think out loud, want to have lots of friends

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Want

Sensitive

Introverted
Introverted Conformist Introverted Independent

Introverted
30% of the general population are introverts 60% of gifted children are introverts 75% of highly gifted children are introverts 60% of gifted children are independent

Plain Jane

Loner

Conformist
Miss Popular Extroverted Conformist Leader, Trend Setter

Independent

Conformist

Independent

Extroverted Independent

Extroverted
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

http://www.bellevuediscovery.com/ Documents/More%20Than%20I.Q.pdf

Extroverted
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Social Maturity & Social Mismatch

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

When gifted children are asked what they most desire, the answer is often a friend. The childrens experience of school is completely colored by the presence or absence of friends.

(SILVERMAN, 1993)

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Social mismatch

Social maturity

More complex vocabulary More involved games, stricter rules, fairness Interested in niche topics, ask unusual questions Lets look for letters in the trees! 5 year old Kids realize very early - they are somehow different

Stage 1: Play partner Stage 2: People to chat to

sharing of interests uni-directional bi-directional

The higher the IQ, the more mature a social relationship the child is seeking

Stage 3: Help and encouragement

Results

Stage 4: Intimacy/empathy

Gravitate to older kids (similar mental age) Become a little adult (adults are easier to understand and relate to) Dumb themself down to fit in Feel like they have to fake it to make a friend Lonely, social isolation (even if they have playmates)
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Stage 5: The sure shelter

PG 6-7 year old vs. neurotypical 11-12 year old A friend is a place you go to when you need to take off the masks. You can take off your camouflage with a friend and still feel safe.
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Miraca Gross, 2002 study of 700 children

Asynchronous social development

How it plays out over time

Many desire higher maturity level relationships BUT, may lack practical social & friendship skills

Biggest social maturity gap ages 4-9

Some kids need to be explicitly taught the rules of social conduct Or, lack of practice Or, just average social skills Knowing what to do (Smile and say hello) vs. Actually doing it (I dont want to) Can flex to match interests, play patterns with others But still longs for someone who really gets me
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Gifted kids looking for deeper relationships But, other kids still pretty inclusive, so things appear OK No one really understands me, silent suffering Left out of parties, playdates, playground games

ALSO, theres a difference between

Social mismatch becomes visible in 4th-5th grade

Why? Neurotypical kids shifted to higher levels of social relationships

OR, a child may have great social skills

More focus on shared interests Friends who are just like me Smaller friendship groups Fewer birthday parties inviting the whole class
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Socially sensitive
An offhand comment from a peer can cause serious turmoil Intense response to perceived rejection

No

Consider this scenario

one reached out to invite me to play the game He hates me, she thinks Im stupid I dont have any friends

Coaching
Is

it really true? Engage logical reasoning. Teach playful teasing vs. hurtful teasing Waiting for an invitation rarely works
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

A gifted kid enters preschool with ageappropriate social skills In school, feels different from other kids, desires deep friendship, but doesnt find it After a few years, starts falling behind in social skill development due to lack of practice Lack of social skills makes it even harder for them to flex to find common interests with agemates. Loses confidence due to perceived rejection. Kid is visibly struggling socially, and the parent believes that kids need to be able to get along with all kinds of people in this world
What should the parent do?
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Solving this scenario

Peer relationships

When a kid is struggling, do you:

Keep throwing them into the deep end of the pool Put them in the shallow end with a float and a teacher

What is a true peer?

Similar Similar

Make the environment easier, so that they can get skill development back on track

Group together with true peers Coaching & support

Neurotypical kids dont need to bridge these asynchronies to develop socially

age? grade level in school? Similar abilities? Similar maturity level? Similar interests?

This is an unrealistic challenge for a gifted kid who is not also gifted socially

Ideally, all of these

School The

programs with similarly gifted age-mates

Even better, prevent this scenario by providing true peers from the beginning
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Not always possible to find

higher the IQ, the more compromise is needed
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

A portfolio of friends
Classmates Neighborhood kids 4H/girl scouts/boy scouts/campfire Sports teams Lego robotics club Math Club/Olympiad Enrichment & summer camps for gifted

UW
Full

Social Life at School

Robinson Center, CTY, SIG, Davidson, Yunasa list: http://www.nwgca.org (Resources)

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte 2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

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3 Factors in a Good School Fit

When the school doesnt fit

Level
Appropriate

Constantly ask probing questions

Annoy Lack

level of challenge Enrichment vs. acceleration

teacher & other kids

Trouble socializing with other kids

Advanced

Pace
Gifted Neurotypical learners

learners need 1-3 repetitions need 6-8 repetitions

of common interests vocabulary or subconsciously girls going underground

Dumb themselves down to fit in

Consciously Particularly gifted

Peers
True

peers to discuss, challenge each other, work together, etc. Optimal for social development
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Become the class clown

Or Or

the dreamer, the loner, or the victim the A+ student!

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Gifted programs help kids socially

Gifted children have better social adjustment in classes with children like themselves. The brighter the child, the lower his or her social self-concept is likely to be in the regular classroom. Social self-concept improves when children are placed with true peers in special classes.
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Why not put one gifted kid in each classroom? Doesnt that help other kids?

Gifted kids are NOT role models When other kids look at the natural abilities of gifted students, they only get discouraged that theres no way they could possibly catch up. When gifted learners are removed from the classroom, other bright kids step up and become more meaningful classroom leaders.

(Delisle & Galbraith, 2003; Winebrenner and Devlin, 2001; Shunk 1998)

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Wont kids get arrogant if they are in a gifted program?

Actually, when kids are among true peers they are no longer the smartest kid in the room
Humble Get

challenged by peers true self-confidence, self-reliance

Develop

Now What?
RESOURCES AND NEXT STEPS

Kids realized they are somehow different in preschool or kindergartenthey already know.
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

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How to help

Consider changing the school situation Find other gifted kids

1:1 playdates, especially for introverts Join local parents of gifted students (POGS) group Join interest-based clubs: science, writing, robotics, etc. Wallys Club in Kirkland, Seattle www.wallysclub.com Role-playing (doing, not just knowing) Kelsos Choices Superflex and the Unthinkables
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte 2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Social skills groups

Social skills curriculums

Nurture Assumption
Judith Rich Harris

Controversial! Peers matter MUCH more than parents in child development Takeaways
Your

biggest impact as a parent may be who you choose as your childs peer group(s) middle school, harder to influence peer groups

By

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

More Reading

Upcoming Events

Good Friends are Hard to Find (Frankel) Some of my Best Friends are Books (Halstad)

Growing social & emotional through bibliotherapy

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a (Cain) How to be a friend: a guide to making friends and keeping them (Brown & Brown) Miraca Gross (2002) study of 700 gifted kids
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10400.aspx

What Parents Need to Know about Smart Kids October 23 at 6pm (Gig Harbor) November 6 at 6:30pm (Redmond) November 13 at 7pm (Bothell) What Parents Need to Know about Smart Kids Half-Day Workshop $35 ($5 for spouse/family) November 16 at 1-5pm (Woodinville) More info at http://www.nwgca.org
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

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Thank You Northwest Gifted Child Association http://www.nwgca.org

General Resources
NWGCA RESOURCES AT HTTP://WWW.NWGCA.ORG/RESOURCES.HTML

THE FOLLOWING ARE MY PERSONAL FAVORITES

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

Books on Gifted

Local Specialists 1
Dr. Torgerson, Dr. Murphy http://alderwoodvisiontherapy.com/ Dr. Neena Gabrielle Eastside Family Vision Care, Kirkland Developmental optometrists that can diagnose and treat eye teaming, tracking, and convergence problems in kids. These can sometimes look like dyslexic or ADHD-like symptoms, particularly if it happens when reading small text size. Most eye docs dont know to look for this.

A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students Living with Intensity Some of My Best Friends are Books

Social/Emotional

School

Academic Advocacy for Gifted Children

Re-forming Gifted Education Losing Our Minds Genius Denied Misdiagnosis & Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children & Adults Different Minds The Dyslexic Advantage

Twice Exceptional (2e)

Gayle Fay, Bellevue, 425-452-8036 Philip Dunbar-Mayer, Issaquah Also Mariam Maraujo, www.drmariamaraujo.com Pediatric neuropsychologist for IQ testing and also other assessments that can indicate ADHD, learning disabilities, dyslexia, etc.
Dr. Mandelkorn, 206-275-0702 ADHD diagnosis wizard, pediatric psychiatrist. Dr.(s) Eide, http://neurolearning.com/ Husband/wife neuropsychologist team who focus on 2e, especially dyslexia & gifted. Book very far in advance.
2012-2013, Austina De Bonte 2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

For Kids

Gifted Kids Survival Guide (10 and under)

Gifted Teen Survival Guide

Local Specialists 2
Dr. Shelly Mackaman, 425-885-3330 Child psychologist in Redmond who is particularly good with gifted kids. Plan to spend 2-3 months on the waiting list. Dr. Lisa Erickson, http://www.lisaerickson.net/giftedness.html Psychologist in Seattle who specializes in gifted adults. Dawn Blomberg, 206-963-6252, www.speechtherapykirkland.com Speech therapy, articulation, executive function, social thinking Childrens Therapy of Woodinville Speech therapy, Occupational Therapy (OT) Wallys Club (Kirkland) www.wallysclub.com Friendship & Social Skills groups

Discussion Groups

NWAccel Seattle Area Good place to find gifted playmates

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NWaccel/

GTWorld Nationwide family of lists, incl. 2e

http://gtworld.org/

BrightKids (Mensa) Nationwide

http://www.us.mensa.org/learn/gifted-youth/other-resources/

Seattle Mensa Chapter Kids Programs

Currently defunct, needing a leader (is it you?) Do NOT need to be a member of Mensa
http://mensawwyouth.wordpress.com/

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte

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Web Resources

http://www.nwgca.org/ - join the mailing list! Northwest Gifted Child Association

http://wcge.wordpress.com/ Washington Coalition for Gifted Education www.nagc.org National Association for Gifted and Talented www.hoagiesgifted.org Hoagies' Gifted Education Page www.sengifted.org Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted www.davidsongifted.org Davidson Institute for Talent Development

http://www.2enewsletter.com Twice-Exceptional Newsletter

2012-2013, Austina De Bonte