The Goddess Returns (The Mark of Chaos Series-Book 4): The Mark of Chaos-book 4

Chapter One

Dharmasala, India

Jenséa

HOW MANY DAYS HAD IT been now? One. One full day of me shining like the moon with goddess energy. One full day of not touching my half Tazmark babies because it made them cry. And one full day of looking at my johnny from across the room because if we touched, it would kill him.

I couldn’t go on like this. I just couldn’t. johnny hung around to anchor me, I think; not sure what I might do having become a full-blown goddess on earth.

I was sitting cross-legged in bed in black jeans and a long-sleeved tee shirt, leaning my back against the wall, pouting—watching johnny in the rocking chair giving DJ a bottle. What a wonderful peculiar sight that was. If the residual of my unclaimed goddess self had not reentered my being, johnny would be off somewhere creating chaos or some such thing.

Instead, my demon hero was right here with me in a family way as I’d always wished him to be. Dressed like me, or really it was me who dressed like him, just so I could be seen better in the bright shine that I’d become. He was gorgeous. Chiseled cheeks, cinnamon skin, his long dark hair draped over his chest, cradling DJ in his virile lap, his boots on the wood floor pushing the rocker to move a bit.

Oh, I knew he wasn’t just playing at being a dad now. His cognitive wheels were spinning ideas regarding me, and plotting counter moves to outwit the Fiend when he returns with some new strategy to end the universe.

I sighed over and over, drinking johnny in, longing to be a part of the scene, but I was just looking through the window of a life I used to have. It was as if johnny took my place, while I remained, excluded, exiled, an untouchable in my corner of the room.

Charlotte was sitting at the kitchen table in her tan blouse tucked into brown pants, holding Yeshe, feeding her a bottle of formula. She glanced at me periodically, feeling my distress. She and the others with whom I’d ritually bonded, shared my Divine Light glow, albeit abundantly fainter.

No more breastfeeding for me. No more anything for me.

Randa and Marla came bounding through the cottage door and jumped on the bed, Marla in brown pants and matching sweater, Randa in black pants and a red dressy blouse. Their glow was even less than the Shens, almost imperceptible really, likely because they are solely human.

Marla cocked her curly black-haired head. Okay gloomy-Gus, let’s get out of here for a while.

I shrugged my shoulders. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. Everyone will stare at me, and then I’ll make the news, and then I’ll be absconded for scientists to study.

Randa’s eyes flared. No silly, take us to the seventh realm. We’ll poke around there and go exploring. She twisted her head back to johnny. Is that okay?

He narrowed an eye. I could tell he was worried to have me out of his sight until we could determine the ramifications of my condition.

I blurted to him, I need to do something besides sit here. It’s killing me that I can’t touch you or the babies.

He said, I will agree if you take High Lama Khandro and Charlotte with you. If something should happen there, I can’t enter to help. However, the idea is good. Given you’ve never been there in this state, we should begin to explore how you will react in various environments.

I cringed a bit, fearing the unknown, but being sedentary was no longer an option.

Charlotte burped Yeshe, and carried her toward her basinet near johnny. I’m in. Let’s go.

Randa looked to the mystically imbued amber ring on her index finger, then mentally summoned High Lama Khandro.

A few minutes later, he magically appeared before us, glowing a tad more than Charlotte, his bare arms exposed in his maroon monk robes. He placed his wizened palms together. You called?

Randa climbed off the bed and went to him. Jenséa, Charlotte, Marla, and I are going on a field trip to the seventh realm. johnny advised you come in case Jenséa has a reaction there.

Marla was soon at Randa’s side, waiting for High Lama Khandro to answer.

He nodded. Yes. We best explore her capabilities, and that is a good place to start.

André magically appeared next to High Lama Khandro, his glow considerably less. He tugged on the shoulders of his blue Tibetan style shirt as if proclaiming a bit of pride. Am I invited?

I climbed off the bed to face him, rolling my eyes up to his innocent eager face with red bangs swooped across his brow. Of course you are. Looking at their noticeable glow, I asked, Have you been walking around out there glowing like this?

André explained, No, we’ve been in the fifth realm, he glanced at High Lama Khandro, for further training. He’s teaching me about fairytale creatures.

Doesn’t the Dalai Lama need you?

High Lama Khandro answered, He understands our situation.

So, André grinned, let’s get the show on the road!

I glanced at johnny to make sure he was okay with André coming along. He looked a bit strange.

Are you all right? I asked.

He smirked. "Apparently, I’m . . . babysitting."

I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. I was so pent up it all just came out that way. But it wasn’t a mean laugh, just a release of tension.

I was glad he had a bit of whimsy in his eye and not anger. Babysitting was as beneath him as paying for things, and I knew he’d not last long in this role, he—my Dragon roaring warrior.

We won’t be gone long, I said. I know you need to, I gulped, feed, amongst other things.

He just slanted me a hard eye, then nodded to High Lama Khandro as if conveying trust in him to watch over me.

High Lama Khandro nodded back. I will take good care of her.

André added, "We will."

As Charlotte joined us, I stooped over to tie my shoelace on my rather beat up blue jogging shoes. Not that it much mattered as we’d be flying, but as my life went, I had come to expect the unexpected.

Randa hooked her arm in mine. Come on buddy, let’s get the party going!

Charlotte held out her arm to Marla. Shall we?

Marla hooked her arm to Charlotte’s with an enthusiastic, Just like old times.

I threw out a last minute telepathic, I love you! to johnny.

He nodded with a hint of affection, and we all disappeared.

WE FOLLOWED HIGH LAMA Khandro, flying through some sort of boundary into what seemed a deeper layer of the seventh realm. We did this a number of times. Apparently, the seventh realm had layers just as johnny had recently discovered in the sixth.

He led us to an interesting spot. He knew the lay of the land better than any of us, and I hardly at all. We were in a pink crystalline terrain, most of it like rosy ice, though it wasn’t cold. The clear pink structures reminded me of old Athens with the Pantheon and such. There were roads too, made of tiny pink crystals that would crush underfoot if not for the seventh realm making one buoyant.

Randa clung rather hard to me as we touched down. Though I’d only been in the seventh realm a handful of times, this was the first time that actual solid ground was visible.

Randa asked High Lama Khandro, Do we have to still hold on? It seems like we are on a pretty solid surface.

Marla, with her arm looped in Charlotte’s, looked to him awaiting the answer.

You can part, he said, but stay near. There are areas less dense than where we now stand.

André looked around with amazement, staring at the rosy glow of everything. Wow.

Charlotte cocked her head. Where are we?

High Lama Khandro splayed his hands. This is Chandi, a land created for magical beings who are alive enough not to move on, but dead enough not to live outside this seventh realm pocket.

André furrowed his brow. Like a heavenly purgatory?

In a way, but it has deeper purpose.

Charlotte looked about her. It feels to me like a place of learning.

High Lama Khandro nodded. It has become that.

I narrowed an eye at him. Why are we . . . here?

I brought you here because there is someone I want you to meet.

Just as he said that, a half-incorporeal pink woman glided toward us from a crystalline building down the road. She looked like a Greek goddess in a rosy gown and long flowing pink hair that seemed to move about in the air as if in water.

As she reached us, High Lama Khandro stepped forward. He took her hands in his. Greetings Chandra. He released her hands then turned to us. This is Chandra, she was once a goddess too, and now resides here.

My stomach tightened. Once? Would this be my fate also?

She stepped up to me with a compassionate gaze. Fear not, Panacéa. I shall steer you clear of my mistakes. I learned all too late, her eyes closed a moment in a pained expression, then flashed open, how to balance my energy. But it is not too late for you.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

She shrugged her shoulders. Oh, I am content here. She glanced at High Lama Khandro. My friend brings me those in need from time to time, and it keeps my existence meaningful. She looked to the others. Come friends, I have much to show you.

We followed her along the crystalline path, eager to know more of her reality. A dozen or so sparkly, pink fairy angels, like my Angels Three, hovered about us curiously as we walked. A pink miniature round-bellied Kewpie doll-like creature landed on André’s nose.

I am Cupicu, she said in a munchkin voice, her language translated to his, evident by a faint grrah sound preceding speech. Interestingly, it seemed many supernatural creatures had that ability. Not me, not yet.

André wriggled his nose as if it tickled, and the creature flew away. Other pink angel types in the distance looked our way as if excited by our presence.

All the beings seemed partially corporeal, and partially spirit. I think I was getting the picture. This was where light beings came in meeting a tragic fate without being killed. They semi-existed here in a weakened state.

We entered Chandra’s crystalline pink abode. I noticed that wherever I was, the pink became rainbow colored, like a prism.

Noticing me staring at the change my bright shine had on her crystalline furniture, she said, It is nice to see that, see colors in my home other than pink.

I smiled faintly, wondering just what she had suffered to bring her here.

She took us to a room featuring a flat, inch high white glass circle on the floor, the diameter about twelve feet across.

Gather around the edges, she instructed, and spread out please, until our circle is even.

I had Chandra on one side of me, and High Lama Khandro on the other. The white circle transformed into a clear sphere about four feet high, and inches from our faces. We all glanced about at each other in wonder, except for High Lama Khandro who seemed to know exactly what this was about.

Chandra looked at me warmly. Panacéa, I brought you here so you could see what happened to me.

I nodded with an anxious sigh. Thank you.

In the sphere, a moon appeared, shining much brighter than it looks today. That’s where I was born, she said.

You were born on the moon? André asked from across the circle.

"It’s more like I was born of the moon, long . . . long ago."

I always wondered how a goddess was born. He brushed his fingers through his red bangs. Wait, how is a goddess born?

Energy colliding, merging, just how everything in the universe is born.

But what about consciousness, how do you get that?

Her voice was smooth. A consciousness for a human is rather singular. Consciousness for a goddess is made of a conglomeration of consciousnesses that have congealed into one.

Marla’s hand went to her hip. That’s fascinating, even more so because our group has bonded as one, and I am curious what that might mean for our future.

Randa scowled at her, disliking that prospect.

That is very astute, Marla, High Lama Khandro said, and we will dial that back soon, once Jenséa is more stabilized.

André raised a brow. But what is a consciousness?

Chandra explained, It is a particle that has split off from the whole, and in interacting with other particles, it takes on an identity. The mixing and matching of particles will determine what that identity becomes. Humans, for instance, are the mixing and matching of millions of particles from every species in the universe.

I confirmed, Yes, we have learned a bit about that.

André rambled on in his usual stint of curiosity. But why do gods and goddesses so often seem to resemble humans?

Chandra shook her head. It is humans that resemble us.

That makes sense, he said.

So what happened to you? I asked, eager to hear the story.

She pointed. See how bright the moon shines?

Charlotte squinted her eyes. It is brighter than today’s moon.

Chandra explained, That’s because I was in it. It was my task to regulate the sun’s reflection on the moon, and to watch over the earth, and affect its tides in ways that would help life evolve there. But there came a time when I wanted to venture out into the galaxy to behold other worlds. When I left the moon, an ice age occurred on earth, but I was too involved in my new adventure to notice.

Where did you go? I asked.

I was quite attracted to the Pleiades star cluster.

I started breathing a bit strangely, having a faint Panacéa recollection of a goddess who taught me things.

The sphere then featured a bright star.

Chandra said, This is Alcyone, a place where light beings gather to bring wisdom and enlightenment to others in our galaxy.

I cast her an earnest eye. Did I know you?

Indeed.

I remember a goddess teaching me things.

As well you should. I was your mother.

My jaw dropped. Goddesses have mothers?

High Lama Khandro pressed his palms together. Everything is created from something.

I looked at him. Have you always known this?

Yes, but until you were ready to hear, there was no point in being told.

Thinking of all I’d been through, I nodded. I understand.

I had been repressing Panacéa as much as I could, but standing next to Chandra—my mother, that was getting harder to do. How was I created?

I had an encounter with Boreas, a winter god.

I was beginning to understand why I liked cold so much, and at least partially understood why Panacéa might be the Goddess of snow and rain. I raised a brow at her. What kind of encounter?

He scolded me for leaving earth’s moon without calling for a replacement. Really, it had never occurred to me.

I made a mental note. Goddess Law #1. If you have a post and leave it, always get a replacement.

Then what happened? I pressed.

He and I merged to create a replacement—you.

I scrunched my face. I was to live in the moon?

As I said that, Panacéa felt stronger in me, and I feared she’d overpower my Shen consciousness.

Did I go to the moon?

No. She pointed to the sphere which exhibited a bright humanoid figure dancing in the cosmos.

You were a frolicking little thing—dancing about the galaxy spreading joy and love. With me being of the moon, we had counted on moon energy glowing bright in you, but somewhere in the mix of me and Boreas and our line of creation, you came out a love goddess who flew about struggling worlds spreading Divine Light through various types of rain and snow. Everything good and bright was attracted to you, and inadvertently quite often merged into your being. You shone brighter and brighter until the Dragons came after you for bringing too much peace and harmony that had spread far and wide beyond the Taurus constellation in which you were born.

Okay, okay, I interrupted, unable to hear one more time about my tragic affair with Ixion, and how we both wound up on earth. I know what happened after that—but what happened to you?

I had to go back to the moon to end the ice age on earth, but I really didn’t want to be there, so I sang my goddess song to attract a moon god, and the god of Saturn’s moons did answer. Arma came to me and we merged, creating Selene.

André asked, Is she still in the moon?

Yes, Chandra answered. She is far more suited to the moon than I, regulating its shine, not too much or too little.

André grinned at me. You have a sister.’

I furrowed my brows with that thought, but doubted goddess relations were anything like human relations.

Marla asked, So where did you go after you were freed from the moon?

I explored my ancestry, learning I was half love goddess all along which is why I wasn’t content living in the moon forever. I roamed about the universe to various worlds spreading healing and peace—this was all before Panacéa grew too bright and the Dragons came to end her. Anyway, I had heard about earth and the evolvement of humans who were the progeny of all we cosmic beings. And so I came to earth.

A hard thought struck me. When you finally came to earth, was I there? I mean, the heart of me that became a human Shen?

She nodded. I was there, and partially why you came, but also because the earth emitted a strong call for love.

I don’t remember you at all, just a long string of incarnations that were horrible. Couldn’t you help me?

My heart broke for you, but there was nothing I could do because as a human, you were so scarred from how your affair ended with Ixion, that you were closed inside, far too guarded for any light being to help you. Nor did you call for help. Your trust had been broken. In this, your fate was sealed. After a time, you blocked out your previous existence, and immersed yourself in religious pursuit. It’s as if you were asleep until Ixion, as johnny the Tazmark, came upon you. Now you are fully revived once more, and this is why I must speak to you now.

I cringed a bit, afraid to hear what felt like a warning coming on.

When I was here, I loved it because I could taste the whole universe in the energy of earth and its inhabitants. It was such a beautiful world filled with diversity. There was a period when earth thrived and prospered because of my shine, but I became drunk on feeling communities grow far and wide with systems of justice and compassion. The civil age of Rome, that was my doing. It exhilarated me and I shined brighter.

I made another mental note. Goddess Law #2. The more we love, the brighter we shine.

She went on, If we shine too bright for long periods, we inhibit beginnings and endings. This stifles cycles, such as a perpetual season with no turning. Perpetual day with no night. Perpetual life without death’s release.

André interjected, So, then the cycle of change is thwarted.

Marla added, The cyclical process is paramount to life evolving. If nothing ends or begins, then the perpetual in-between becomes a hellish thing.

Precisely, Chandra said, it is binary code, that like breathing, helps us thrive.

I turned my head to Chandra with a trembling voice. So what happened to you from shining too much?

I burned out into what you now see. I never recovered because my energy is fed by the joy and love I catalyze in others. But as beginnings and endings were stifled and challenge barely existed, humans just started to fade in spirit, locked in an unchanging form, like me—here. In overdoing, there was no need for me. With me gone, the life cycle slowly picked up again.

I made another mental note. Goddess Law #3. Too much of anything ends everything.

So everyone here burned out? I asked.

No, but they all became diminished in capacity for various reasons.

So no one put you here?

Just myself.

What I’m hearing you say is that my natural propensity to fully shine Divine Love is bad for the earth? To . . . I gulped, be my true self is harmful to humans?

It doesn’t have to be that way, but Panacéa will grow stronger in you every day and controlling her is paramount.

That’s like asking me not to be me.

It’s a learning curve, that’s all. Be you, just not so much of you.

My heart sank. How can this be? I can be me, but only at a fraction of who I am?

Charlotte, feeling my sadness said, "It will be alright, ma chère. We will find ways to help you."

I looked to Chandra. But if you, my mother, couldn’t do it, how can I?

The difference between you and I is that you have matriculated into the human gene pool, so there might be something you can do with that. I have said enough for now, but you can come to me anytime to help you meet this challenge.

But I have babies.

Babies with Ixion who has become a demi-god.

I cocked my head. He has?

Yes. He has been merging with the Dragon collective for some time now—the essence of which has become a living part of him.

Well, does that make my babies little demi-deities with duties in the universe?

You are all partly human, so your fate remains to be seen. Theirs too. Just be aware not to get carried away with any uncontrolled shining of love. Manage it. It is addictive, and eventually destructive. Work on developing your human self, this will help.

High Lama Khandro said, Thank you Chandra; we must be getting back.

I stared at Chandra, trying to imagine her as my mother.

Reading me, she said, My dear, it isn’t like the human world. You came from me and Boreas, but you instantly sprang out into the cosmos able to spread your wings independent of us.

Everyone was looking at me with empathic eyes and I didn’t like it. I just wanted to be left alone.

We said our goodbyes and headed home.

On our way there, with Randa’s arm looped in mine, I felt the call of various innocent people crying for help. I also sensed a massive forest fire and felt the animals and trees suffering. I heard the call of a third world country inundated with an infectious disease, and a plane crashing with hundreds in prayer.

I could never hear wide spread calls on this massive grand-scale before, and generally not from animals or plant life, but then again, my Shen powers had only been activated less than three years, and my goddess powers only a few months.

The Tazmarks, apparently, hadn’t wasted any time answering calls for chaos and suffering, even though they were no longer coaxing the calls to happen. They had done a good job reviving the earth with challenges. It still went against my instincts to view chaos and suffering as healthy, but I was wise enough now to see how those occurrences sparked evolutionary wisdom.

My fellow Shens seemed to notice some of the calls. High Lama Khandro said, Remember, there are various light beings who will answer the calls for healing and peace, it doesn’t have to be us, he looked to me as we flew along, or you.

I said, But the calls are overpowering.

Remember what Chandra said, the more you love, the more you will shine. If you shine too much, then everything gets off balance. If you can focus more on your human self, it could just be that your shine will lessen.

It is hard to not love divinely, when I am made of Divine Love.

I concur, said High Lama Khandro, but you are human too, and that is just as important.

I concentrated hard on Jenséa and my human life, just to see if it made my forced repression any less painful. It helped, but I needed to ground myself somehow, so I thought about mountains, trees, and wildlife, and began to feel soothed.

I just wanted to run away and hide for a while in some cubbyhole in the earth, and block everything out. I wanted it bad, and I shouldn’t. I should, what’s that they say, ‘Keep a stiff upper lip’. ‘Bite the bullet’. ‘Face the music’. But I say, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.’

Just as we were about to touch down into the cottage, I said, I wish I could just burrow down into the earth.

Suddenly there was a whoosh of movement that made me sick, then stillness and peaceful dark with but a small hole of light in the distance.

Huh? What’s happening? I heard squeaking and saw a batch of baby ground squirrels before me in dim shadow, and I was their size! I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling like Alice in Wonderland, but—I liked it too. Nestling closer to the ground, I sat cross-legged, and deeply inhaled the smell of dirt, then exhaled, feeling relief. I apparently was muted when underground, naturally toned down and dialed back. Though this experience was a bit shocking, I decided to remain here with the squirrels and try to feel better. Goddess Law #4. Wishes can manifest instantly.

I jumped with a startle when Randa’s voice sounded. I am freaking out. Where are we?

Oh geez. I brought company! I guess since Randa was attached to me, she came too.

Then she shrieked, Ah, something is licking me!

I think it is a ground squirrel, I said.

A giant ground squirrel, Marla’s voice sounded.

Oh, Marla was here too.

André exclaimed, We’ve all shrunk!

And André.

Oh mes étoiles! Charlotte exclaimed in my ear. We are in a nest.

And Charlotte.

High Lama Khandro had an uncharacteristic edge in his voice.