Twice: Unpacking Two Journeys Through Cancer
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About this ebook
Ellie's eldest son Jack has the honour of joining the ranks of being a childhood cancer survivor. When Jack was eight years old, he was playing street hockey with his younger brother, Noah, who poked him in the side with a hockey stick. This hit ruptured a Wilms tumour they didn't know Jack had. Although Jack's illness was an incredibly difficult time for their family, many hidden blessings and life lessons were revealed.
The first part of Ellie's story is about a little boy who bravely fought cancer. It will provide a parent's perspective on the challenges they experienced, and how they picked up the pieces and moved forward.
Two years later, Ellie received a breast cancer diagnosis, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, which interrupted their lives once again. Twice they navigated their way through the storms of cancer.
As one friend remarked, "O'Briens aren't sissies when it comes to fighting cancer." Ellie's response? "Damn straight."
Ellie O'Brien
Ellie O'Brien lives near Vancouver, Canada with her husband and two sons. She is a Kindergarten teacher by day, and a proud hockey mom at night. She knows that life can change in an instant, as this has happened to her family twice.
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Twice - Ellie O'Brien
Twice: Unpacking Two Journeys Through Cancer
Ellie O’Brien
Twice: Unpacking Two Journeys Through Cancer
Copyright © 2020 by Ellie O’Brien
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Tellwell Talent
www.tellwell.ca
ISBN
978-0-2288-2813-6 (Hardcover)
978-0-2288-2812-9 (Paperback)
978-0-2288-2814-3 (eBook)
Dedication
To my immediate and extended family, I love you, and I thank you. Your support helped us get through the most challenging days we have ever faced.
To my friends and colleagues, thank you for your kindness, support, and prayers. It meant more than you may ever know.
To Chantal, thank you for offering me advice as I learned to parent a child with cancer.
In memory of Keian, René, and Julie,
who lost their battles with cancer.
Prologue
Before I begin my story, I need to rewind it a bit.
You’ve likely heard the expression that it takes a village to raise a child. That is even truer when raising a child through a life-threatening disease. One very important person in my village was missing: my mother. She had passed away without warning twelve years before.
My mother passed away three years before I became a mother, and it was hard finding my wings without her. She had the most insightful perspectives and advice. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, talk to her, or look for signs from her.
When my son became sick, I would tell people about his cancer, and again add, and my mother died...
Even though the two events were not related, I couldn’t help but say it. Two years after his illness, I faced breast cancer. I would tell people that both of us had cancer and I would always add, and my mother died…
to my story. It just tripped off my tongue. It was a burden buried deep in my heart.
My mother passed away three years before I became a mother, and it was hard finding my wings without her. She had the most insightful perspectives and advice. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, talk to her, or look for signs from her. Fast forward to today; it’s been seventeen years since she left, and I’m finally in a peaceful place.
My mother provided us with deep roots and strong wings, both of which my brother and I needed because our time with her was far too short. I often tell my boys stories about my mother, and I have carried on many of her family traditions.
Fast forward to today; it’s been seventeen years since she left, and I’m finally in a peaceful place.
Long before it was a popular country song, my mother used to say, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I have needed to rely on that advice twice.
July 24, 2013
Mom,
I hate this day. Twelve years ago, you were abruptly taken from us without warning.
Dad and Patrick were with you in Tofino. Not I.
I can’t believe I saw you the day before you died. How fortunate I was to hug you goodbye, not knowing it would be for the very last time.
I wish I knew then what I know now. I might not ever have let you go.
I love you.
Until we meet again,
Ellie
I’m ready now.
An Open Admission Regarding Repetition
Twice was written chronologically from my son’s kidney cancer in 2013, through my breast cancer in 2015. Although these two journeys through cancer were very different, there were many parallels. Telling our story in its entirety has led to some repetition of information throughout the book.
The trauma I experienced upon learning of my son’s cancer impacted my ability to process medical information. If you are also facing cancer, I suspect you might have the same experience. Perhaps you will skip through my book by reading the chapters that appeal to you more. If you do that, you will still understand some of the challenges I faced.
If you read the book straight through from cover to cover, you will undoubtedly note some portions that are repeated. I experienced many parallels between my son’s cancer and my own. I won’t apologize for this, but I hope that you will tolerate it.
Cancer is complicated. Families are imperfect. People deal with these things in different ways.
Although everyone’s journey through cancer is different, how you feel when you learn that you, or someone you love has cancer, is the same.
It’s my wish that you can hold onto hope, lean into love, and find ways to be grateful as you or a loved one faces cancer.
~Ellie
Table of Contents
Copyright
Struck by Lightning and Run Over by a Bus
Cancer is Shitty
Life Interrupted: A New Reality
How to Help another Family Weather This Storm
Cancer Parenting 101
We are Family
What Is Medicine?
A Brotherly Bond
Hidden Blessings: Finding Faith Again
Defining Moments
Healing Milestones
New House Rules
Allowing the Outside World In
Little Instruction Book for Living with a Child with Cancer
Camping Out
Dear Hospital Administrators
My Lifesaver Gratitude Project
Heroes Among Us
An Unexpected Diagnosis
Married with Cancer
My Advice to a Husband Whose Wife is Facing Breast Cancer
What I Wish I Knew before my Surgery
Tattoos aren’t Taboo
How to Help a Friend
And They Lived Happily Ever After
Struck by Lightning and Run Over by a Bus
Childhood cancer is an unfair reality that many families face. Although not all cancers are alike, and not every child has the same journey, I feel compelled to share our story. If my son’s cancer had been more complex, I may not have had the strength retell it.
At the time of Jack’s illness, I had just finished my master’s degree in education and was well versed in being a teacher researcher. During his illness, I jotted notes and collected artifacts to help me remember the frantic and confusing day-to-day events we experienced. Although I began writing this book one year after Jack was in remission, it was too painful to finish.
Fast forward five years, and now a strong and healthy young man stands before me.
The stories I will share throughout this book are not made up, nor are they embellished. That is not my style. My intent is to offer a truthful retelling so that you may have insight to the realities, tensions, milestones and celebrations we experienced. I hope some parts make you laugh, others make you cry, and that they allow you to consider the hidden blessings in your own life.
Before I can get into our story, I should tell you a little about our family. My husband, Ray and I have been married nineteen years. We have two boys, Jack who is now fifteen, and Noah who is thirteen. I have been an elementary school teacher for twenty-three years, with many of those years spent in Kindergarten.
When my boys were young and when Jack was ill, I had the benefit of bringing them to the school where I worked. Being a teacher’s kid is a privilege that comes with challenges, but my boys managed it well.
My boys have an extra special connection; they have the same birthday, exactly two years apart. Besides stealing his big brother’s birthday, Noah did something quite remarkable. He unknowingly saved Jack’s life: Noah found Jack’s cancer.
This invisible enemy had taken over internal territory of Jack’s body. It went by the name of Wilms, Stage Three kidney cancer. For about a year, Jack complained of tummy aches. We later learned that pain was likely when the tumour was growing and pressing on different areas in his abdomen. My husband had taken Jack to our family doctor to rule out appendicitis. We were right, it wasn’t appendicitis. We left the doctor’s office not knowing what was to come. I lay no blame on our amazing family doctor. None of us had any suspicion that Jack was so terribly sick.
Our boys often played street hockey with other kids in our neighbourhood. On Saturday, March 9th, 2013, Jack came into the house upset because Noah had poked the right side of his body with the top part of the hockey stick. I looked at Jack’s stomach and didn’t see a bruise or an abrasion, so I wasn’t concerned. Over the weekend, Jack continued to complain about his side being sore, but we did not see any outward reason to worry. In fact, we told Jack to brush it off.
On Tuesday, March 12th, at about 6:00 in the morning, Jack came into our room crying. Since the area didn’t look bruised, we assumed it must be appendicitis after all, as the pain was the right side of his body. My husband took Jack to our local hospital to get checked out. Mistakenly, and regrettably, I went to school with Noah. I texted Ray several times to get any updates. Frantically I requested a teacher replacement. By 10:00, my substitute came. I left my classroom and rushed to the hospital.
Shortly after I arrived, the doctor took me aside. I was expecting him to confirm that Jack had appendicitis. Instead, he told me that Jack had a large, abnormal mass on his kidney
. He repeated himself, as he could tell I hadn’t understood the gravity of the statement. In the next breath the doctor translated his diagnosis: Jack has cancer. That was the last thing I heard clearly for weeks.
I found my way back to Ray and Jack. I felt light headed and my vision was darkening. I thought I would either throw up or pass out, but luckily, I did neither. My husband could tell something was very wrong. I took him aside and told him what the doctor had said. He became enraged and hunted down the doctor who was on the phone to the Children’s Hospital in our area. The doctor motioned for Ray to sit down behind the ER counter alongside him.
While trying to contain his emotions, my husband waited as the doctor continued his phone conversation. Ray sensed from the one-sided conversation that we would have to make an appointment, but the ER doctor said if they weren’t going to admit Jack, then his hospital would, because our son was too ill to go home. The doctor’s firm stance must of worked because we were instructed to drive Jack to the Children’s Hospital immediately. It took twenty minutes to get Jack discharged and loaded into my car.
We decided I would drive Jack to the Children’s Hospital and Ray would go pick Noah up from school. In hindsight, that was an error. We should have stayed together and made arrangements for Noah. Although I didn’t know where I was going, it was my turn to be with Jack and time was of the essence.
It was a dreary, overcast trip to the hospital. I had never driven there until that day. Jack tried to sleep in the front seat with the chair fully reclined. It was surreal to see him dressed in a green hospital gown wrapped in blankets. I cried as I drove. I hated crying in front of him, but I couldn’t control my tears.
To my knowledge, he only knew a little about cancer, which was that people who get cancer die. At the time, that’s what I believed, too. His honest questions about what would happen to him made me fear for the worst. Everything was out of our control now. I prayed for a miracle as I drove.
We arrived at the emergency room where there was a doctor waiting