The Rise and Fall and Rise of Relationships

The rise and fall and rise of relationships

The rise and fall and rise of

relationships

Mary Winkler

ISBN: 0 9751765 0 1

Published and distributed in Australia by the author.

© Mary Winkler 2004

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the author.

Acknowledgments

This book is based on real life experiences.

Every chapter works on themes with different couples per chapter.

Any names used in this book are fictional or relate to the author’s life.

If the names and stories in this book are similar in anyway to any reader, then this is purely coincidental.

Special thanks

I would like to thank my brother, Henry, for being an excellent mentor. I thank my family for their support. I am also very thankful to all my friends around the world for their contributions.

Thank you to my five children who have given me tremendous insights into motherhood and how to enjoy life by being a mother.

To my mother, thank you for having faith in me.

Contents

Acknowledgments............................................................5

Special thanks...................................................................7

Preface..............................................................................11

Introduction.....................................................................12

Rise.....................................................................................14

How did it begin?......................................................14

Where did it begin?..................................................14

Why did it begin?......................................................15

Wait until....................................................................16

Start whenever..........................................................18

He is the only child..................................................21

The more the merrier..............................................22

Fall.....................................................................................23

For better and for worse.........................................23

Comparing your partner to someone else’s partner  25

Mind games (Mind player).....................................27

Psychological scam/violence.................................33

Age dilemma...............................................................37

Jumping from one relationship to another........43

Competing with each other...................................45

Cultural background................................................47

Jealousy........................................................................59

Infidelity.......................................................................66

Attitude........................................................................76

Extra luggage/baggage...........................................81

Disability......................................................................86

Illness...........................................................................90

Selfishness and laziness.........................................92

Communication breakdown/Using wrong words.99

You fail to succeed because you fail to try......102

Lack of support, understanding, respect and trust.  103

Can’t hold on to a relationship...........................111

No listening skills...................................................115

2l. Never mix finance with romance.................117

Rise..................................................................................118

Change.......................................................................118

Intangible  mind......................................................121

Appreciating..............................................................123

Giving time and breathing space.........................125

Realisation/Evaluation............................................127

Forgive and forget...................................................131

Move on......................................................................134

Repairing the damage that the relationship has caused. 136 9. Letting go  139

Setting quality time.................................................142

Making a commitment............................................144

Know your boundaries............................................146

Restart/rebirth of a dead relationship...............149

Maintaining stableness and strength/fidelity..155

Think before you speak (using appropriate words)  158

Focus on your relationship needs and keep your spirits up!  162

Success is believing in yourself...........................167

Recognising and listening to each other’s needs and wants  171

Cope because of hope.............................................172

Love, peace and patience creates harmony.....177

Contentment creates endless romance and passion  183

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Preface

In my search for an answer to the many problems of marriage and relationships in today’s life including mine, I am blessed to have personally experienced these different types of problems. Due to the difficulties I have faced over many years, simply by dealing with all sorts of difficult situations, I became strong and no longer scared of what life was going to throw at me.

I realised that, when you hit rock bottom either with your relationship or your health in general, the only way is not down. You are already right down there and your only chance is to go back up. This is when you need to make a choice to be strong and say, ‘I’m coming back up—come what may.’

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Introduction

As a builder’s daughter , I grew up watching buildings being erected and demolished. At the building site, I saw engineers, plumbers, masons, electricians and construction workers working on the blue print and the plan of the building. Their job seemed complicated for any person with a young mind. Despite of how complex it may have seemed to me, they tended to work together as a team harmoniously. Before they started putting things together they gathered around and talked about it. With this experience from them at the building site, I feel I have gained so much by just watching them.

Comparing builders to relationships as a whole, I think builders have got a lot to prove to themselves about holding onto relationships for better and for worse. I personally admire builders and I have every respect for them and what they do and how effective they are in the Universe.

I have been married for nineteen years.

I have had happy times and bad times in my relationships. I have actually experienced a marriage that at times did not need special attention because everything was just fine.

At times I also experienced a marriage that called upon all my reserves to help me jump over substantial hurdles.

I have experienced an illness where I believed that I could only dream of getting better rather than overcome the illness completely. As a result, I gained my strength and lost my weaknesses. I became high spirited and did not allow anyone to destroy me. Had a natural disaster come along, I would have

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surrendered to the Universe because it was out of my control.

As long as I can prevent things from happening, I will continue to try to prevent them occurring in my own natural way.

Relationships as I have observed are just like a building. When a building is new, it looks nice and depending on how it was designed, it can have added features. As the building gets older, it may need some renovation, repainting, or if the foundations have crumbled, it may need to be completely demolished.

Our relationships tend to have so much in common with buildings. There are times that we need to give special attention to our relationships and there are times when we do not need to. When worse comes to worse, relationships may not be rescued in any other way other than to declare a separation. Some separations are only trials and some end up in divorce.

When children are involved, staying in contact throughout a separation or a divorce is essential. It is like keeping your feet on the ground (like a building} The relationship may not be as happy as it was before, but if you are trying to be reasonable and act like a responsible adult, you know that you have accepted the whole situation. Always remember that you are the parents of children who depend on you. You can relate to the builders, engineers, construction workers and masons who are responsible for erecting a building. You know deep in your heart that you are able to create a good foundation for the tiny people who are reliant on you. You know that you have to continue to ignore anyone who is distracting you and is hopeful of demolishing your senses. Coming from a family of builders, I know that anyone who believes they can build and re-build their relationship should always try it.

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Rise

We rise after we have been preparing for a number of things in life. We expect the unexpected as we rise. We are more than prepared to discover the world of relationships as we rise. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.

The mental work we do tells us that we must believe in love because love is the most powerful stimulant to our immune system as most of us in relationships know.

The relationship description of a series of events:

How did it begin?

It begins by personal introduction of a friend, who are attracted to each other from the first meeting.

By coincidence—you happen to be at the same place and at the same time.

Can you remember how your relationship began?

Where did it begin?

It begins in the fitting room for men and women.

To begin a relationship for some people is just like a dress rehearsal. They will try it on first to see if it fits. If it does not, they throw it to one side or give it to the salesperson to be put back on the rack. For them, this is a very convenient way of starting a relationship but this is not the way everyone does it.

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It begins at the work place. It begins at a party.

It begins during an overseas trip, a bus trip, taxi ride, while shopping or in the ATM machine queue.

It begins at the wine tasting festival.

Why did it begin?

Bright and careful people would begin a relationship after having done a considerable amount of investigating. Finding out the background of the person should be an integral part of the investigation. Whether the person committed a crime or not is of utmost importance to the investigation.

Obtaining the background of the person is essential, so that the future partner in life can decide whether or not to commit to the relationship and to contemplate the necessary steps to make the relationship successful.

It is not exactly true that people who begin a relationship by accepting each other on face value are not clever. These people believe in the love that they have for each other. Their emotions determine their ability to start and commit to a long-term relationship. This is what they are relying on.

For some people, it is not so important to know the background of their future partner, as long as they are in love with each other, they care for each other, and they have each other for better and for worse, they will take their relationship to the altar. They accept each other in good faith.

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But knowing your future partner’s background is absolutely important. It helps you to understand her/him in every situation.

Angela got involved with William for twelve months. He proposed to her, but she could not give him an answer due to his bad reputation. She was in love with him and never doubted her feelings toward him. She always believed in her love for him and knew than he was the man for her.

One thing that worried her was that he was reputed as a heart breaker. She thought that if ever their relationship came across any hiccups in the future, he may not have been able to stick to it. She could sense that he may not have stood by her. She was so certain about her intuition which told her that he could easily brush her away and find someone more interesting to keep him going.

She felt that he would not be a man who would work hard to make their relationship harmonious. She sensed he would run to another woman instead and find momentary happiness until Angela accepted him and his behaviour.

She found this very risky to commit to, but on the other hand there were a lot of good points that he possessed and it was worth trying.

Wait until...

Robert is so deeply in love with Clarissa, but he prefers to wait until his investigation is completed.

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He thoroughly checked to see that he did not miss a thing.

About myself:

I know I love her.

I know I am capable of loving her and giving her all the affection she wants from me.

I know I will not have any problems with her if I am only her soul saver.

I know she likes my family

I know I am honest toward her and my feelings for her.

I know I am a very mature person for her.

I know I am a good cook and a very tidy person.

I know I am very good with handling money and my credit rating is excellent.

I know I am posh but I was born like that.

I know myself very well. I always pay my bills on time. I do not need to be reminded.

I know I am a forgiving type.

I know that I love myself so much.

About my future partner:

Does she love me?

Is she capable of loving me and giving me all the affection I want from her?

Will she have problems with me if she is only my soul saver?

Will I like her family?

Is she honest with me? Are her feelings for me true?

Is she a mature person like me?

Does she always cook or only sometimes? Is she a tidy person?

Does she know how to handle money? Is her credit rating good or poor?

Is she always down to earth?

Does she pay her bills on time or wait for a reminder to come?

Is she a forgiving type?

Does she love herself?

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After his thorough investigation about personal things, he moved to her medical records. He even wanted to know her medical history. He found that she has had a hysterectomy.

I think he goes a little bit over-board with his investigation. This only proves though that some people would go to the extreme just to get the right partner in life. And so they should! After all, you only want to go through it once don’t you?

Start whenever...

Arianne’s relationship began after years of trial. The trial included strategies to cope with his attitude, behaviour, bad manners and socialising with his worst friends. She also had to know if his coping skills were up to scratch. Could he cope with her awful attitude of being big headed? Could he cope with her ways of driving him crazy?

She believed that if he could accept or cope with her test of acting like Miss Right all the time then he was in. She also felt a little sorry for him having to put up with the test. At the back of her mind though, she laughed, but she just wanted to make sure how much he could take and how far he would go to get her. She had to do it, it was a test and it had to be done.

His re-action was important to her so that she could work out ways of handling him prior to getting involved with him.

Knowing that there were things he did that she did not agree with and that she could not handle, it was helpful for her to know his shortcomings and to devise strategies to deal with them over time.

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For her, no relationship will ever begin if the good and the bad things she wanted to see are not showed to her and if she can take it.

Arianne knew that a relationship with full commitment was impossible if she was not first exposed to the good and bad side of her partner’s character. Most importantly she needed to know whether or not she could endure these aspects of his character.

Emotionally attached...

This story is about Kaye and Chris. Chris is a gentleman with a good job and he is also a very good provider.

Kaye’s attraction to him stems, not only from his masculinity and braveness, but also from his courage and his strength as a man.

She is strongly attracted to him emotionally because of his past that has made him so sceptical about entering a new relationship.

Physically he is a very