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    The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog
    The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog
    The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog
    Ebook62 pages51 minutes

    The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog

    By Mark P. Henderson

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    About this ebook

    Seventh century England; a baby is found in a tree by a party of monks. He’s brought up in their monastery and given the name Arborius. Young Arborius appears to have miraculous powers, so he’s awarded a halo (second-hand, source uncertain)—but all is not as it seems. His “miracles” are really the work of his guardian spirit, a foul-mouthed thin dog, visible only to himself and to the slowest-witted of his fellow monks.

    This biography of a little-known (actually non-existent) saint reveals how Arborius ostensibly earned his halo, worsted the Devil, was famed for feeding the poor and healing the sick, founded many of our Christmas traditions, departed the world in a manner recalling the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk—and was canonised.

    Warning: the story contains groan-inducing word games!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGypsy Shadow Publishing, LLC
    Release dateApr 2, 2019
    ISBN9781619503496
    The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog
    Author

    Mark P. Henderson

    After retiring from a career in medicine and university teaching, Mark P. Henderson moved to the Derbyshire Peak District in 2002 and started to write fiction and collect local folktales. Several of his short stories and poems have appeared in magazines and anthologies. His books, released by various publishers, include an anthology of short stories (Rope Trick; 2008), a children’s story (Fenella and the Magic Mirror; 2009), a study of the origin and evolution of a local legend (Murders in the Winnats Pass; 2010), a collection of 62 traditional Peak District stories (Folktales of the Peak District; 2011), a collection of puns in verse and prose (Cruel and Unusual Punnishments; 2016), a one-act play (Forget it, it’s History; 2017), and a second novel (National Cake Day in Ruritania; 2018). The publishers of the last-named have given him a contract for another novel, The Engklimastat, due to appear in 2019. He’s in increasing demand as a storyteller to adult audiences around North-West England, and as an editor and a creative writing tutor.

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      Book preview

      The Definitive Biography of St Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog - Mark P. Henderson

      Contents

      Copyright Page

      Dedication

      Preface

      Introduction

      Chapter 1

      Chapter 3

      Chapter 5

      Chapter 7

      Chapter 8

      Learned Apologia

      About the Author

      The Definitive Biography of Saint Arborius of Glossopdale and his Thin Dog

      by

      A Learned Academic (a.k.a Mark P. Henderson)

      All rights reserved

      Copyright © February 25, 2019, Mark P. Henderson

      Cover Art Copyright © 2019, Charlotte Holley

      Gypsy Shadow Publishing, LLC.

      Lockhart, TX

      www.gypsyshadow.com

      Names, characters and incidents depicted in this book are products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author or the publisher.

      No part of this book may be reproduced or shared by any electronic or mechanical means, including but not limited to printing, file sharing, and email, without prior written permission from Gypsy Shadow Publishing, LLC.

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      ISBN: 978-1-61950-349-6

      Published in the United States of America

      First eBook Edition: April 2, 2019

      Dedication

      To my friends in Write from the Heart

      Preface

      Some years ago, a friend acquired, or was acquired by, a whippet bitch. This dog was loved, fed and exercised to the highest standard, but in common with the rest of her breed she resembled an emaciated toast-rack. One expected her to rattle as she ran. However, what she lacked in avoirdupois was more than compensated by her personality. Presented with dog-food she shrivelled the donor with a basilisk glare; she stole cat food; the most comfortable bed was hers by right; all blankets were her blankets; and woe betide anyone, canine or human, who interposed themselves between her and her warm kitchen stove. She was a dog born to command. She might have been non-violent in practice, but her force of character compelled the belief that to thwart her would be to court dire and possibly fatal prognostications.

      On one visit to her establishment I stroked another of the household pets, a Shetland sheepdog with kind eyes, who was a walking invitation to cuddle. Well, then, I said, sinking my fingers into his silken fur, who’s the loveliest little dog in the world? The whippet barged him out of the way with no pretence to ceremony and took his place, glowering at me. Her ‘owner’ (more correctly, ‘ownee’) translated the glower into the words Listen, asshole, you want to know who the loveliest little dog in the world is? That’ll be me. Right? I challenged the interpretation but was advised that ‘asshole’ was Her Royal Thinness’s most polite epithet for a human. The ownee discouraged me from observing that the whippet’s coat, far from being long and soft like the Sheltie’s, appeared to have been superglued over her bones.

      Remarks she might consider disparaging are a bad idea, said the ownee. Even if she was amused enough to wag you wouldn’t like it. That tail’s a weapon of local mass destruction. If it wags into you, you discover it’s the ‘whip’ part of ‘whippet’; all nine of the cat’s rolled into one. And if she wasn’t amused… let’s not go there.

      This canine prodigy demanded to be celebrated in literature. I decided it would be fitting to attach her, or an uncannily similar dog, to an implausible hagiography. So I did.

      MPH, 2018

      Introduction

      Some saints become celebrities even before their deaths. Augustine and Jerome and Benedict and Francis of Assisi have remained household names since their lifetimes; everyone’s heard of them, even if they know little or nothing about them. Other saints are less famous. Many are familiar only to a handful of desiccated academics who poke around the Vatican Library seeking manuscripts crumblier than

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