A Successful Journey in Life

A Successful Journey

in

Life

An Individual Perspective

John W. Loeff. Ph.D., D.Univ.

Psychotherapist

Text Copyright © 2007 John W. Loeff

All rights Reserved

© 2007 John W. Loeff, Ph.D., D. Univ.

Cover Design by Dragan Bilic

Front Cover illustration by Joe Bilicic

Photography by Harrie Loeff

Clipart by Wpclipart and The Free Site.com

All rights reserved and no part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form - electronic, digital or mechanical - without permission in writing from the copyright owner and the publisher.

ISBN-13: Print - 978-1499648805 (CreateSpace assigned)

ISBN-10: ebook - 978-1-7753209-0-6

BISAC: Social Sciences / Women's Studies / General

Acknowledgements

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the following people for their help. First of all, thank you to my family and friends for the support I continue to receive from them for a project that never seems to be finished. Yes, publishing takes a while, and the payback takes even longer. Secondly, a special thank you to Mary Linthwaite, a former colleague of mine at Baker College in Michigan. I was looking for an individual who could provide a feminine perspective, especially in the first chapter of this book. Her background is English, French, Psychoanalytic Theory, and Entrepreneurship. Her teaching experience encompasses forty years and it includes Canada, the U.S.A. and China. I was very fortunate to have her proofreading my manuscript and yes, I paid attention to her suggestions.

Finally - as always - thanks to the editing department of eBook Launch - especially Ann Robertson - for their continuous support and directives. Without your assistance, I could not have done it.

John W. Loeff

Bright’s Grove

Table of Contents

Preface

Other books by John W. Loeff

1. A Woman’s Obstacle Course

2. Additional Roadblocks

3. Foundation Stones

4. Object Relations

5. Maturity

Summary

References

Preface

What do we need in order to be successful in life? Excellent question! Is it only money, as shown on the front cover of this book? What about your upbringing, your career, and your family? Enough questions - let’s try to come up with some answers! Chapter one deals with a few issues related to about fifty percent of the population. What is a woman’s role in society, and how many roadblocks do women encounter? You might be in for a surprise! The next chapter deals with issues related to the male and female population. Yes, we will be dealing with some not-so-nice individuals and these characters do not assist you in achieving success in life. Chapter three starts with a few foundation stones required to have a shot at making it in this world. Another interesting topic is innovation or creativity. Do you have this skill? Or do you prefer the ‘old’ school approach of no changes whatsoever? In chapter four, I discuss a very important skill we all have to master - yes, somehow we have to learn social skills, and this applies to computer nerds as well. The final chapter is a discussion about maturity. What is maturity and how do we reach that plateau? I am solely responsible for any errors in this book. Constructive suggestions can be emailed to: johnwloeff@gmail.com.

John W. Loeff

Bright's Grove

Other books

by

John W. Loeff

The following books are available in print and in digital format.

Building Long-Term Relationships:

Stumbling Blocks or Building Blocks

An Unsuccessful Journey:

The Glass is Half-Empty Personality

The Cultural Cliff:

A New Beginning

Chapter 1

A Woman’s Obstacle Course

Introduction

Where and how do we start the road to a successful destiny? What is a successful journey? No, unfortunately, I do not have the quick fix. If I did have the magic bullet, I would be a rich man overnight. The road to success is a long and arduous process (unless you have a lot of money and/or the right connections) and even then it might be a very difficult road. But that is another story. For most of us, success is a long journey with many potholes and roadblocks. I would like to start with a not-so- successful journey for about fifty percent of the population and gradually move to a successful journey for the whole population. As you will see in the following paragraphs, this road is extremely difficult to travel, but let’s not give up yet. Yes, this topic has major ramifications for many individuals, families, and society in general. Why do I bring up this discussion of the masculine protest? What is masculinity complex and what can be done about it, if anything? Well, in my second book An Unsuccessful Journey, we are talking about neurotics, and unfortunately the masculine protest is an excellent foundation stone for neurotic behavior. A neurotic behavior is not very beneficial for a long-term relationship. So, being aware of this roadblock and perhaps by trying to remove it, you could save your relationship. But before we get into all the details, let’s have a look at some historical facts. Let's go back a few years, and see why other civilizations succeeded.

Aztecs

What was life like for women in the ‘old’ days - about six hundred years ago - in Central America? Why do not we begin with a civilization like the Aztecs, before the arrival of the Spaniards? This civilization lived in what we now call Mexico and Guatemala. Life was harsh in those days, as people worked the land, and the male population (and in some instances the female population as well) had part-time jobs as warriors. The objective was to conquer additional land for farming. Most of these societies were very democratic and this is a surprise for most of us, myself included. The land was held by the community, and a married man was lent his piece of land directly from the community or clan. The couple built their own home. Once the farmer was capable of producing enough food for the family, he became a full-fledged member of the tribe. Marriage was for life. Males married at age twenty and females married at age sixteen. Living without a woman in those days was almost impossible. Why? Women worked in the ‘kitchen’ and the preparation of corncakes (their staple food) took hours and hours, so, there was little time left for other projects. When a young man contemplated marriage, he had to consult the clan’s council for approval. Not a bad idea! Even in those days they realized that as a young man, you do not only marry a beautiful girl, but you also marry into another family, with all its ups and downs. What can we learn in 2018 from this experience? That love played a minor role in a proposed marriage. It might be difficult to comprehend, but the older women in the tribe were the marriage brokers. They played the role of the justice of the peace and married the couple. The groom did not sleep with the bride the first night, as this was the prerogative of her brother or her uncle. But women could own property in their name, go to the clan council to address injustices, and even get a divorce if abuse was part of the picture. Women could not have an affair, but men could. Yes, prostitution existed even in those days. Schooling was provided for boys only. Their education consisted of learning rituals, the use of weapons, art, business, and the priesthood. Taxes were paid in the form of food produced on communal farms and everybody did their fair share of work. Surplus food was stored in granaries and used for supplying the needs of the administration. It was also used for trading, and emergencies like crop failures. Besides the cooking chores and raising the children, women did weaving and making pottery. Once a week, the whole family went to the market where women bought food and men bought luxuries. Was it all work, work, and more work? No - they had lots of parties, festivals and games for all kinds of reasons. Dancing was a major part of the festivals and this dancing was accompanied by a variety of musical instruments.

When the Spanish looted Mexico and Peru, they found a civilization that was very sophisticated. Some cities rivaled, and in some instances even surpassed the cities in Europe. They found very talented craftsmen along with an efficient local administration. The architecture was second to none and food production was very efficient. What constitutes a successful civilization in those days?

• A well developed agricultural system; including storage and distribution;

• Social organization along class lines;

• Specialized occupations;

• An urban population;

• A strong army;

• A local administration in major urban centers.

For additional details, see The Columbia History of the World. The Aztec empire was a fighting machine extraordinaire, and many prisoners were offered to the Gods. The Spanish beat the Aztec and Mayan population with superior firepower, and organization. They also dealt with a divided opposition, which they played to the fullest. Another factor was that the local population was used to direction and instructions from the top. Remove the top echelon - the king and his entourage - which the Spaniards did, and the local population had no clue what to do. Organized confusion was the result and the Spaniards took advantage of that.

Now let’s have a look at the white population and see how different they were. Was it really all that different and better? For centuries, we had a patriarchal system in place in Western Europe, North America, and Asia. In many, many countries this male domination still exists. Women were relegated to an inferior position in society, period! Gender equality was a concept from some alien culture. However, let’s search for an opinion that still makes sense today. Who would be interested in gender equality about two hundred and fifty years ago? Well, you might be in for a surprise. A fellow by the name of Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) - a philosopher by trade - started to evaluate the position of women in society, and he did not like what he saw. Kant started the discussion about objectification; translated, it means that women in those days were seen as objects. Kant was more direct (blunt might be an even better word) and characterized women as objects of the appetite. How correct he was in this observation, made clear in the following quote:

As an Object of appetite for another, a person becomes a thing and can be treated and used as such by everyone.

Immanuel Kant

Lectures on Ethics

What can I add? Absolutely nothing! How much has really changed? Look at some television commercials and you get my point, but let’s not jump to conclusions yet! Kant figured out that many of us in society lower a person - especially a woman - to the status of an object. Do we treat women - outside marriage - only as objects for sexual gratification? Who would like to answer that question? Kant uses words like degradation and subordination to describe women in society, and he is not finished yet: he describes women outside marriage as a sexual instrument. This superior attitude of men creates major issues down the road. Yes, some people had this figured out a long time ago. When I read current newspapers or watch the evening news on television, I start to wonder if anything has really changed. Entertainers, Hollywood producers, football players, and others display a nasty and violent behavior towards women. Sexual harassment and groping are all part of the picture, and I would like to call it the 'Weinstein' factor. When will this abuse end? When will some men grow up? Yes, I realize that some of us will never reach that plateau of maturity and accept women as equals. What have we accomplished over the last two hundred and fifty years in gender equality? Well, we have made some progress, but we still have a way to go. Do we need another two hundred and fifty years to eradicate this completely? We could call it a work-in-progress. Another point I would like to make relates to one’s culture. Were you raised in a Western culture? When you are raised in a non-Western culture and you immigrate to a Western culture, very often your cultural attitudes will not change. Women in many non-Western cultures are still seen as second class citizens and do not really count. For this author, that is very difficult to understand. I was raised in a Western culture - the Netherlands - and yes, women in my 'old' country go to school, drive a car, and buy property or start a business. This kind of ‘progress’ will take at least another hundred years for some countries in the Middle East or Pakistan. Cultural differences will also show up when a couple merge one Western background, and one non-Western background. Who will dominate the relationship in this case? Good luck! You will need it!

Gender Roles

Let me give you the flavor of the gender culture in the old days from another source.

Under Roman law, a father held the right to life or death over his children and considerable power over his wife.

and

In medieval England, men were considered to be guardians of their wives and children.

Tepperman & Richardson,The Social World

Reading the above quotes makes you laugh about it now, but yes, this was the way it was a few years ago. How did we develop male and female roles? Wow, did I open a can of worms! Let me bring Willard Gaylin into the picture, as well as his book, The Male Ego. Well, a long time ago when humans lived in caves, the male species protected the family and the clan against physical threats. These attacks could come from animals, or rival tribes. The female, on the other hand, protected babies and young children. The day of living in caves is over, but unfortunately, we still have the caveman mentality. We - the male population - still want to be strong and fight if necessary. But we do not have to hunt for food anymore. However, for a boy to ‘grow up’, he has to prove that he is not a sissy; he should be strong, independent, and not afraid to take action. This action could be in a bar, at home, or at work. In a bar, there could be a fight about a pretty girl. Nothing new! At home, men like to show that they are in-charge and make all decisions. At work, they take chances when launching a new product, or developing a new investment strategy. Being courageous and taking risks are expected behaviors. As a man, fame and money are waiting for you. You cannot be seen as a Mama’s boy, clinging to her skirt for emotional and financial support. You have to be able to provide and protect along with starting a family: show the macho image in your actions and win all battles. While women learn to develop relationships, aggression is part of your DNA. The desired end result for males is to have power, status, and an important position in the world. Yes, the rest of the planet should look up to you and salute. Women bear children, clean the house, take care of the vegetable garden, and shop. These were the job descriptions for males and females for a long, long time. One worked outside the home and brought home the bacon; the other one stayed home and raised the children - two very distinct roles that still exist in many cultures! But in the West, roles are changing very rapidly. How do we - the male population - maintain our ‘superiority’ to the female population? We do it two ways. First, Gaylin makes the point that we create categories and castes in society. Let me quote one line from his book that says it all:

Men look for statements to announce their credentials.

We males look for status in society and that includes public respect. Women do this as well, but not to the same extent. We - the male population - prefer to belong to exclusive clubs and drive expensive foreign cars. We like to be the officer of a club or lodge and show the rest of the world how important and rich we are. The world would not function without us. It looks like somebody needs a reality check or a make-over! Just in case you are wondering if this author is in dreamland or not, let me provide another angle on this topic. In an article in The Globe and Mail from March 16, 2012; Chrystia Freeland in her article Cultural Curbs and the Final Frontier for Female Leaders, makes the point that in society we have two types of cultures. We have ‘tight’ cultures and we have ‘loose’ cultures. Tight or rigid cultures or sub-cultures have traditional roles for women. Do not - as a female - deviate from this culture or all hell will break loose. Your role is at home in the kitchen and in the bedroom. Period! End of discussion. Look at some cultures in Asia or the Middle East and you get my point. Educating girls is seen as a foreign concept that should not be allowed, along with not being able to drive a car. How do women dare to drive a car? The excuses you read why women are not allowed to drive cars are enough material for a good soap opera. Loose societies on the other hand are more open to change. My old country - the Netherlands - as mentioned in the article, is a very good example of an open country with fresh ideas. As a woman, you