Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Unavailable
    Abra-ca-dabra!
    Unavailable
    Abra-ca-dabra!
    Unavailable
    Abra-ca-dabra!
    Ebook49 pages44 minutes

    Abra-ca-dabra!

    By Frankie Lassut

    ()

    Currently unavailable

    Currently unavailable

    About this ebook

    I don’t like giving my stories away, except with the sort-of-promise that I reckon you might enjoy this one. What I will tell you is: the story is about a plumber who is very good at his job. When he finishes though, he’s a couch potato. His wife is an overweight office worker who buys him a pressy.
    That’ll do.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherFrankie Lassut
    Release dateSep 24, 2018
    ISBN9780463301654
    Unavailable
    Abra-ca-dabra!
    Author

    Frankie Lassut

    I am the one being shaved; the other one Nim, is is a looney bin now!I went to see a psychic years ago who ended up as my girlfriend; she didn’t see that one coming! But she was extremely honoured. However it ended badly i.e. it rained heavily as I buried her body and I got soaked. No! You don’t really want to hear about it, it’s depressing; I was joking about the burial. She told me that I was to uncover a talent I had ... Well, another psychic told me that as the first one was dead; I was lying when I said I was lying. Nothing happened for quite a while. Suddenly I realised I needed a ‘job’ quite badly as I was beginning to drink halves. No, not a boob ‘job’! I went for the cheap option i.e. the surgeon gave some socks to shove up my jumper when I go out. I got a ‘job’ (have you got boobs on your mind?) because someone told me that bus-driving was easy because you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel. She was about six, a wise woman ... that’s called an oxymoron. Fantastic! I thought get the job and in a couple of days I’d be driving all the nice passengers around and about seeing all the sights for a fraction of the cost of a tour bus; and we’d have a roof in case it rained. Easy! First of all though there was the training; and I entered hell.I was born in Cumbria in a little ex-iron ore mining town called Millom. It was only small, a one- horse town; the horse was called Peg. It had a pedigree name too, but I can’t remember it at the moment: Peggy Suss? However, I got fed up and left as I was the only man in a town full of women and they were all lesbys; I’ve always been lucky. I went to Blackpool and attended the photographic college. I then moved to Coventry and met the psychic who would tell me what was going to happen. I could say now that the rest is history. Well it is, but obviously not history as that’s all made up anyway. Then I got the job bus-driving, which as I said is easy ‘you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel’. The bus station management weren’t pleased that she had said that though, so she was tried and sent to Guantanamo Bay; they have a section for young kids who are bad to the bone.The job was so mad that I thought it would be a good idea to write out some posters and stick them all on the wall of the bus station. The other drivers enjoyed them, but the management tore them down, the badstars (that’s an anagram of astards +B). I carried on and ended up with a manuscript for a book, which, by the way is ‘brilliant’. The management didn’t like it, but bollocks to them.I couldn’t stop writing after that episode and I’ve been writing ever since, mostly cheques to people, such as the mortgage people and the gas board etc. I am so brilliant that I’ve lost all my friends because I wrote about them in my style which I believe is called Bizzaro. My inner being is a bit of a crazy horse, because whatever I write it has to be in that style, even the horror. It just goes that way. ‘Ordinary’ writing to me is like lemonade minus the bubbles ... I can’t bring myself to do it; but thank God I can still bring myself off. I need a selfie stick as I do that because the close focus on the phone won’t do it; how else am I going to post them on the Dark Web?Writing is like a drug. When I was writing my Millom book, the pictures that flashed into my head were so funny to me that I laughed myself into hernia-ville; my stomach tore. I got injured writing.You see, hernia-ville, a retirement home for people with stomach hernias; no comedians are booked to appear at that place.So, my writing is brilliant, so read the bloody stuff!I have actually suffered for my art. I won’t go to hospital to get it fixed because, well, I’ve written about that friggin place too.All that and now I’m an international bestselling author. I’m the only author in this world who has sold books on Mars (eat your heart out Tony Robbins), so I can say with certainty that Martians have fabulous senses of humour.What a profile!

    Read more from Frankie Lassut

    Related to Abra-ca-dabra!

    Related ebooks

    Science Fiction For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Presenter: Ellie Taylor

      Jan 21, 2022

      You had to step in on this series of The Great Pottery Throw Down, how did you feel when you got the call? I was absolutely delighted. I have always wanted to work with Love Productions because I love the shows they make. I really enjoy watching peop

      6 min read

    • Article

      What Love We THIS MONTH

      May 25, 2020

      I know some people will be horrified by this, but I really don’t like crispy or crunchy biscuits. Sorry, I just can’t stand the thought of chipping a tooth during teatime! After tinkering with this recipe for a bit, it now produces the best, chewiest

      4 min read

    • Article

      Back In At The DEEP END

      Jan 24, 2024

      Back In At The DEEP END
      6 min read

    • Article

      “I Love Taking Risks”

      Sep 24, 2023

      “I Love Taking Risks”
      3 min read

    • Article

      THE GREAT POTTERY THROW DOWN WEEK 9 – Bathroom Week

      Apr 12, 2024

      Steven showed he had embraced past comments about the rigidity of his work. He got in plenty of fluid lines in his dandelion-decorated lavatory, but the judges felt the decoration wasn’t quite strong enough and Steven was the last potter to leave. W

      9 min read

    • Article

      Kings

      Jun 5, 2023

      1.Kings lie down to zip up their jeans,buy Cetaphil, candy, magazinesat Walgreens because they canwalk there unsupervised, describeblowjobs they’ve given to seniorsin cars, spend what they think of astheir own money. Home sick from school,they learn

      6 min read

    • Article

      ‘Sing to It’: Featured Fiction from Amy Hempel

      Mar 25, 2019

      If she was home at night in her husband’s bed, did he care what she did with her days? The post ‘Sing to It’: Featured Fiction from Amy Hempel appeared first on The Millions.

      7 min read

    • Article

      In a class OF MY OWN

      Jan 29, 2020

      In a class OF MY OWN
      6 min read

    • Article

      Q-tip Options

      Oct 10, 2023

      I am not a good person. Abby was at my door. My reaction when I saw her should have been more charitable. She was young and cute and needy, but all I wanted was a nice relaxing day at home. When the police questioned her, I should have let them take

      16 min read

    • Article

      Proverbs Of A Faceless Time

      Dec 1, 2023

      Proverbs Of A Faceless Time
      9 min read

    • Article

      Easy Meat

      Aug 13, 2021

      Easy Meat
      4 min read

    • Article

      The Ghost Of A WEDDING

      Jun 23, 2021

      The Ghost Of A WEDDING
      6 min read

    • Article

      Holidays

      Jan 16, 2022

      Holidays
      4 min read

    • Article

      Kay Mellor

      Mar 1, 2021

      Kay Mellor
      5 min read

    • Article

      A Very Pink Pride

      Jun 22, 2023

      A Very Pink Pride
      11 min read

    • Article

      Bodger’s Christmas Special

      Dec 18, 2018

      I’ve always been a member of the same scooter club. Which one? Doesn’t matter, you’ll not know us, we’ve never really gone in for badges and polo shirts. Just take my word for it. Maybe ‘club’ is the wrong word, we’re a group of mates who’ve hung aro

      6 min read

    • Article

      ‘I Never Needed People To Like Me’: Dragons’ Den Star Deborah Meaden On Snobbery, Fame And Her 40-year Marriage

      Apr 6, 2022

      As Deborah Meaden gears up for her 17th series of Dragons’ Den, which she joined in 2006, she meets me at the Guardian’s offices. She is maybe 90 seconds late and does this lightning three-act apology – that she is sorry; why it happened (taxi driver

      8 min read

    • Article

      Laugh EVERY DAY

      Jul 2, 2023

      Live, Laugh, Love Day-to-day life can get hectic and it’s easy to forget the simple things, such as a bit of humour. Laughing is the perfect way to indulge in a bit of me-time and just be happy. While laughing is obviously fun, did you know it’s ac

      9 min read

    • Article

      Take a Writer Like Him: My Complicated Love Affair with Kingsley Amis

      Aug 24, 2018

      1. As much as I may rack my brain, there are 15 minutes or so in the dark that I can’t account for and that I’ll never get back—15 minutes during which, I have to think, that creep’s hands were touching my body. It’s a weird thing to think about all

      12 min read

    • Article

      50 First Dates

      Apr 20, 2023

      50 First Dates
      4 min read

    • Article

      Seeing the LIGHT

      Mar 2, 2021

      Seeing the LIGHT
      5 min read

    • Article

      Righteous

      Jan 22, 2019

      Righteous
      8 min read

    Reviews for Abra-ca-dabra!

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words