Preparing Your Child for the Journey Through Adolescence: A Handbook for Parents

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR THE JOURNEY THROUGH ADOLESCENCE

A HANDBOOK FOR PARENTS

INDIRA GILBERT

Copyright © 2013 by Indira Gilbert.

ISBN:

     Softcover    978-1-4797-0477-4

     Ebook         978-1-4797-0478-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Every effort has been made to obtain copyright of all printed extracts used in this book. If I have unwittingly used material that requires copyright, I humbly request that the copyright-holder bring this to my attention to enable me to make due acknowledgement.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

0-800-644-6988

www.Xlibrispublishing.co.uk

Orders@Xlibrispublishing.co.uk

304025

CONTENTS

SECTION A

CHAPTER ONE PARENTING

A. INTRODUCTION

B. THE PURPOSE OF PARENTING

C. THE JOY OF PARENTING

D. THE PAIN OF PARENTING

E. QUALIFICATIONS FOR PARENTING

F. UNDERSTANDING OUR CHILDREN

G. REARING CHILDREN IN PREPARATION

FOR ADOLESCENCE

H. STAY INVOLVED IN THE LIVE OF YOUR ADOLESCENCE

I. IDENTIFYING PROBLEMS IN OUR CHILDREN’S LIVES

J. CONCLUSION

VACANCIES

CHAPTER TWO THE CHALLENGES FACED BY ADOLESCENTS

SECTION B

A. SOUTH AFRICAN THE BILL OF RIGHTS

B. SOUTH AFRICAN CHILDREN’S RIGHTS

C. SOME PRINCIPLES FOR PARENTS

D. ACTS PROTECTING SOUTH AFRICAN CITIZENS

E. RESOURCES IN SOUTH AFRICA

F. BIBLOGRAPHY

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the memory of my late Mum and Dad who, with their limited physical resources and limited knowledge about child-rearing did a fantastic job in steering their children through the very difficult years.

Their strong value-system and their constant ‘leading by example’ have imprinted the lives of us their children.

Mum and Dad, generations after you are benefiting from your investment in the lives of your children. You have indeed made an imprint in the lives of the next generation. Thank You.

This book is also dedicated to the many parents whom over the years I have counselled in respect of their children and their parental skills.

You helped me understand the different styles of and experiences in parenting a child in today’s society.

I am grateful to God for affording me the privilege and awesome responsibility of shaping the lives of my four lovely children.

There is no perfect parent: I sure did fall short in many areas, but the principles I did instill in them. I am sure will sustain a lifetime.

Food for Thought . . . .

The paradox of our time in history is that:

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers

Wider freeways but narrower viewpoints

We spend more but have less,

We buy more but enjoy less.

We have more degrees but less sense,

Have more knowledge but less judgment.

Have more experts yet more problems.

Have more medicine but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learnt how to make a living but not a life.

We’ve added years to life not life to years.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back

But have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.

We’ve done larger things but not better things

We’ve learnt to rush but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,

To produce more copies than ever but we communicate less and less.

We’ve become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men,

and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure,

but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete

By Dr. Bob Moorehead

http://www.xdude.com/paradox.htm

What Used To Be . . . .

What used to be called Disgusting is now called Adult.

What used to be called Modesty is now called a Sexual Hang-up.

What used to be called Living in Sin is now called a Meaningful Relationship.

What used to be called Good Discipline is now called Child Abuse.

What used to be called Chastity is now called Neurotic Inhibitions.

What used to be called Perversion is now called Alternate Lifestyle.

What used to be called Self-Indulgence is now called Self-fulfillment.

What used to be called Your Rights is now called Illegal Discrimination.

What used to be called Christian Values is now called Fundamentalism.

What used to be called Depravity is now called Creative Self-Expression.

What used to be called Moral Irresponsibility is now called Being Freed Up.

(Anonymous)

SECTION A

CHAPTER ONE

PARENTING

A. INTRODUCTION

Parents frequently fail their children—albeit not intentionally—in that:

–   We are often poor role models to our children by not practicing what we preach.

–   We do not meet our children’s emotional needs or attempt to meet them on their level.

–   We assume that material possessions are what they need: so we spend our time and energy trying to provide them with everything that money can buy.

–   We are too involved in pursuing our own careers, or increasing our wealth: there is little or no time to invest into our children.

–   We are not open with our children with respect to the issues of life. Yet we expect them to know everything that matters.

–   We withhold important information from them, or give them partly correct information.

–   We do not protect them from incorrect information received from legitimate sources e.g. the school. We do not stop and question what is actually taught to our children. We expect them to work through the information themselves. Schools in South Africa have introduced something called ‘Quiet Time’ where our children are being exposed to the occult. Parents have not even stopped and questioned what this is all about!

–   We make no attempt to correct the information they receive from other sources.

–   We superficially ‘resolve’ problems without attending to the causes or the ‘roots’ of the problems.

–   We hand over our responsibility of child-rearing to other institutions like the school.

–   When our children are in the wrong, we are slow to correct them, yet very quick to defend their mistakes.

–   We are handing to our children a messed-up world and expect them to make a success of it.

Parents too are human and have limitations which make parenting even the more difficult.

Parents often do experience difficulty in discussing personal issues with theirr children. Some parents find it extremely difficult to do so while others are ill-equipped to do so. In the absence of a close parent-child relationship this becomes even more difficult. On the other hand even where there is a close parent-child relationship children chose not to discuss personal issues with parents.

It is easier to give children what they want rather than to give of ourselves or our time to meet our children’s needs. It is indeed less stressful and less time-consuming to do so.

We do not want to upset them and ‘destroy’ our relationship with them, so we defend them whenever they complain that they have been wronged by someone: we have no time or energy to investigate the facts and, if necessary to correct our children.

It is easier to tell them what is expected of them than to teach through example without realizing that what they see us do has a greater impact on them than what they hear from us.

The greater part of the day is spent at school. The school is therefore expected to parent our children: to teach them the values required for good citizenship.

Our society is riddled with social problems. This does not affect us until our children are affected. There is no time to invest in a better future for all in our society.

Previously the family and education had, to a large extent, attempted to produce a well-balanced individual: and it had been successful considering the type of society we lived in. In today’s society however, there seems to be a gap: a new set of complications has arisen. Society is being faced with situations and circumstances, which were rare in if not unknown to, previous generations. Many of these issues are addressed in this book.

The family is experiencing extreme difficulty in coping with these complications, especially where it becomes very personal and involves the emotions. Adolescents are faced with pressures never experienced before.

Educators are expected to step in. At the same time educators are told not to impose values on the learner. Educators have also been stripped off any discipline or corrective measures. Most alternate forms of discipline involve some form of abuse—emotional or psychological. Parents are ever-ready to take educators on when their children are disciplined.

Learners are in a way left to their own devices to work out their own values. Learners who have not been adequately trained in the home, and who are constantly being bombarded with negative values from the television, peers, books, etc., are being asked to work out their own values. They have a one-in-a-hundred chance of forming wholesome ones.

The role of parent is becoming an increasingly difficult task in society today. Young people are assuming parenthood being very ill-prepared for the task at hand. The extended family, which previously supported the new/young parents, has fallen away. The nuclear family frequently physically moves a distance away from family members because of employment opportunities, etc.

Most mothers are employed, frequently leaving the mothering role to strangers and often time to the child himself. Parents are pressured to excel at work. This demands both their time and energy. Very little time or energy is left for parenting.

Our ‘small families’ seems to have instilled selfishness into our children: there are no siblings to ‘share’ with—there usually is only one sibling to compete with.

Values in society have fast eroded. To make an impact on our children we need to examine our life-styles, our own morals and values, and our attitudes towards parenting.

Over the years, I have come to realize the merits of the following sayings:

The aim of education is the knowledge, not of fact, but of values.

Dean William R. Inge

The direction in which education starts a man, will determine his future life.

Plato

Nobody drifts into success.

Tico Gopar

Train up a child the way he should go, and when he is grown he will not depart from it.

The Bible

Foremost we are parents: Whatever we do affects our children for the rest of their lives.

Unknown

It is time for parents to take back their responsibility, and become more aggressive in instilling wholesome values in their children. This is no easy task especially in a society where children are credited with rights without accompanying responsibilities—this has led to abuse of the home and school environment, and even of the legal system.

I have through this Handbook for Parents attempted to cover all the vital issues affecting adolescents and the parenting of adolescents. The purpose of this book is to meet the needs of parents to enable them to meet the needs of the child. I hope that it achieves what it is intended for!

You may ask why children should be given such information. Shouldn’t they be left to be ‘children’? Unfortunately, our society is riddled with such issues. It is important to convey to our children both information and values. Information without values can be dangerous. Information without values may lead adolescents to experiment. We need to equip our children to make wise decisions that are most beneficial for their future.

The adolescent is frequently pressured into making ill-advised decisions: sometimes these decisions are life-determining, and there is none available to assist at that particular time. It is therefore important that the adolescent is given all the necessary information prior to such a situation arising, to enable him to make an informed decision should such a situation does arise.

I hope that this book meets your needs. It has been written from the heart. Having four children of my own, and having counselled many adolescents over 20 years, I do (to some extent) understand the pressure and pain they experience. I also sincerely believe that the only hope mankind has to ensure its survival (and quality of life) on this earth is to go back to a solid value system that is geared to produce quality life for all.

This Handbook complements the Handbook for Adolescents. It is recommended that the child work through the Handbook for Adolescents, perhaps with your assistance, and that you, as a parent, work through this Handbook for Parents to enable you to assist them when you are approached for any discussion.

The Handbook for Adolescents seeks to fill in any gaps. It does not seek to take away your parents responsibility. It can be utilized in various ways:

–   be given to the child to work on as a ‘do-it-yourself’ manual—you can later together discuss the various topics addressed in the book

–   Parent and child can work through the book together. It does have food for thought for all although it has been simplified for the pre-adolescent, and the adolescent.

–   worked through in a group: family group, youth group, classroom, peer group, etc.

–   kept as a reference book for any queries your child may have

During 2004, the television news in South Africa quoted one of the delegates at a world conference on AIDS as stating that ‘we are losing the battle against AIDS’. I believe that we can turn this around.

We can turn this around by equipping our children to make the right choices. Thank you for allowing me to partner with you in this task.

B. THE PURPOSE OF PARENTING

God had planned for children to have parents…

or He would have found some other way to ‘fill the earth’.

On examining one’s own life the importance of parents unfolds. Consider the lives of those who had the misfortune of not being cared for by their parents: only a small percentage of these unfortunate individuals grow into secure adults.

It is only in one’s adult life and often when one is a parent that one can truly understand and appreciate the purpose of parenting. The purpose of parenting can broadly be defined as: ‘The preparing of a child for adulthood’.

The purpose of parenting therefore includes:

–   Teaching the child the values and norms of society to ease his acceptance and adaptation into society.

–   Teaching the child to accept and obey family rules. This eases his acceptance and obedience of rules outside the home: first at school and later the rules of society.

–   Teaching the child how to relate to his siblings. This relationship skill will later be extended to others in the broader social network.

–   Teaching the child how to