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    No!
    No!
    No!
    Ebook73 pages1 hour

    No!

    By Jesper Juul

    4.5/5

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    This might be the most decisive book you can find in terms of defining
    your relationship with your partner, children, parents, siblings and
    close friends.
    Jesper Juul reveals with great insight why it is onlypossible to say Yes! to yourself when you also feel liberated and freeto say No! to others. By letting go of the obligation to be nice and the need to serve and please others, it is easier to connect with your true identity. Jesper Juul reveals the secret to developing and maintaining a healthy mind, social competence as well as staying true to yourself.
    When reading this practical book you will discover why No!
    is also called the most loving answer and therefore is the ultimate gift to yourself and those you hold near and dear.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse UK
    Release dateJul 25, 2012
    ISBN9781468579321
    No!
    Author

    Jesper Juul

    Jesper Juul (1948) is a family therapist, husband, father, and grandfather. He is a renowned author and sought-after international speaker and the founder of FamilyLab International. Jesper Juul has written numerous books, many of which have been translated into several languages, became best sellers and must-have books for parents and educator alike. Die ZEIT: Jesper Juul is one of the twelve leading enlighteners, thinkers, and visionaries. Der SPIEGEL: Jesper Juul is an “icon of modern pedagogics.”

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      Book preview

      No! - Jesper Juul

      © 2012 by Jesper Juul. All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

      www.jesperjuul.com

      www.family-lab.com

      www.artofsayingno.tv

      www.familylab.com.au

      Your Competent Child, published by Balboa Press

      DVD Your Competent Child at www.textalk.se

      English titles published by AuthorHouse:

      Family Life

      Family Time

      Here I am! Who are you?

      Published by AuthorHouse 07/20/2012

      ISBN: 978-1-4685-7930-7 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4685-7931-4 (hc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4685-7932-1 (e)

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Contents

      Introduction

      Saying No! to children

      When should we say No!?

      The personal No!

      Introduction

      Can I stay up late tonight?

      Well, you are still young… and you are very tired.

      Why can’t I have a tattoo?

      But you know they look really cheap.

      I want an ice cream!

      It is not good for you. You might get a sore tummy.

      Darling, how about we go to bed early and relax as soon as the kids are asleep?

      Do you honestly feel things are relaxed at the moment?

      I don’t want to go to school.

      Ah, come on! You love school.

      Darling, I think we should visit your parents this Easter.

      But last week you said we never have enough time for each other.

      Can I have some money for the party on Saturday?

      What happened to your pocket money? You got some the day before yesterday.

      These are common and very reasonable questions. But what is going to happen next? The answers were not exactly clear…

      It all begins with a loving Yes!

      A loving relationship always begins with a Yes!

      Simply deciding to spend time with someone is in itself a way of saying Yes! to that person. Through conversation we verbally confirm our love in a number of direct and more subtle ways. We say Yes! when we decide to live together and perhaps marry. So we confirm that our love is ready to be put into practice and carried out on a daily basis.

      By formalizing our feelings through one little word we are ready to begin our shared journeys. The Yes! marks the reality that fulfillment of a dream is within reach. It also comes with all the commitments and responsibilities that are inevitably part of a shared life.

      Every newborn or adopted child has the right to experience this important feeling of acceptance. They should be able to see the loving Yes! when they look into their parents’ eyes and sense it in their expressions. This is Yes! to a shared starting point of a long journey together.

      There are moments in our lives when that little word is not only the most valued treasure but also the biggest gift of all. It is the most telling symbol of someone’s trust, honesty and willingness to create a space where loneliness no longer exists. It can be an overwhelming yet humbling privilege to receive a first Yes! Be it as a pubescent kiss, the exciting Yes! at a wedding and of course the gaze into a little baby’s trusting eyes. We are so humbled by this loving feeling that we excitedly promise ourselves to do everything in our power to be deserving of this Yes!

      Yet, this commitment that came with the strongest dedication and best intentions, tends to fade in the midst of our daily routines. Gradually, the Yes! ceases to be a gift so freely given. It slowly becomes something that is expected, demanded or a duty. The other person is aware of this—in fact, both sides of the Yes! are aware of it. Things are taken for granted and much is expected. The teacher expects students’ respect, the in-laws expect to be visited and so on. The pleasure we experience from receiving as well as giving decreases and the love and trust with which it was initially meant disappears just as quickly. In a relationship this is most dramatically felt during the so-called, seven-year itch. When it comes to the relationship with our children it has most likely happened by the point they have learned to speak and their autonomy brings some kind of discord in the parent’s hopes and expectations.

      Important changes occur when parents stop saying Yes! with their hearts and say No! through their behavior. Or when we just say Yeah, yeah… which really means No! Then dishonesty enters the relationship and everyone feels trapped. However, the love that exists between parents and children does not die so easily.

      An honest No! is a loving answer

      At some stage, children will start to say No! yet parents often forget to see this as a gift. Children do not use this little word to whine about something. From time to time parents might use No! as a whine—but not children. Their No! is used with all the good intentions, innocence and honesty of a child. Parents unfortunately, often take this No! personally because it is difficult to hear that children actually say No! to themselves. When

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