Doctor, Teach Me to Parent: 62 Lessons in Intentional Parenting

© 2013 by ALLAN G. HEDBERG, Ph. D. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 02/22/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-0395-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-0396-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-0399-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013900283

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Table of Contents

DEDICATION

PREFACE

PART I

PARENTING: Am I Prepared to Raise a Family?

ASSESSING MY PARENTING AND CHILD MANAGEMENT SKILLS

ARE MY INTENTIONAL PARENTING OBJECTIVES IN PLACE?

PARENTING INVENTORY

WHAT IS MY EXPECTATION OF SUCCESS FOR MY CHILDREN?

PART II

PARENTING: Am I up to the Highest Calling on Earth?

BEHOLD, A PARENT I AM

WE ARE A TEAM, AND I AM THE COACH

KIDS NEED MORE THAN A PHANTOM FATHER

BUILDING FAMILY UNITY

FAMILY VITAL SIGNS

MISSION DRIVEN PARENTING

PARENTING POTHOLES

HOUSE RULES BELONG IN THE HOME

OUR FAMILY’S DNA

STRAIGHT TALK FOR NON-CUSTODIAL PARENTS

RAISING BALANCED CHILDREN WITH ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES

PART III

PARENTING: Am I Laying the Right Foundation Stones?

THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF SELF-ESTEEM

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE:

THE SECOND ROAD TO SUCCESS

I AM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN

THE FORMATION OF SPIRITUAL VALUES IN CHILDREN

LANGUAGE SKILLS: GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START

THE CHILD’S AGING BRAIN

THE NORMAL PATH OF SOCIAL-SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

PIGGY BANK MANAGEMENT

KID TALK: MAKE IT A WIN-WIN RELATIONSHIP

TEEN TALK: IT’S DONE DIFFERENTLY

LEARNING TO GIVE: THE BEGINNING OF PHILANTHROPHY

PART IV

PARENTING: Am I Raising My Kids to be People of Influence?

LEADERSHIP IS LEARNED IN THE HOME

RESILIENT CHILDREN IN A WORLD OF TOUGH CHOICES

LIVING ABOVE MEDIOCRITY

PROMISES TO KEEP

TEACHING CHILDREN TO BE CONSIDERATE

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES …TRUTH

WHEN YOU SPEAK, DO YOUR CHILDREN LISTEN?

THE HEALING TOUCH OF EMPATHY AND COMPASSION

WILL THE REAL HERO PLEASE STAND UP?

REAL MEN READ POETRY

PART V

PARENTING: Am I Confronting Destructive Influences at My Doorstep?

PROVOKE NOT YOUR CHILDREN TO STRESS

ANGER DOES NOT GROW HERE

DRUGS ARE NOT WELCOME AT OUR DOORSTEP

BULLY, BULLY … NO MORE

VIOLENCE DOES NOT RESIDE IN OUR HOME

TAMING TEMPERS AND TANTRUMS

UNTYING THE KNOT OF FAMILY CONFLICT

PARENT ABUSE IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE

RULES FOR FIGHTING FAIR

INTERNET SMARTS IN THE HOME

PART VI

PARENTING: Am I Helping my Children Deal With Their Personality Problems?

THE DEPRESSED CHILD

THE LONELY TEENAGER

THE IMPULSIVE CHILD

THE URGENT CHILD

THE UNFORTHCOMING CHILD

PART VII

PARENTING: Am I Doing a Good Job as a Parent?

ARE MY CHILDREN PROGRESSING IN THEIR PERSONAL GROWTH?

DID I RAISE A WELL-BALANCED CHILD IN THIS UNBALANCED WORLD?

DO MY KIDS HAVE EMPLOYABLE SKILLS?

WHAT GRADE WILL MY CHILDREN GET IN CITIZENSHIP?

WILL MY CHILDREN BE ABLE TO GET A JOB WHEN THEY GROW UP?

PART VIII

PARENTING: Am I Preparing My Children to Leave Home?

THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF A CHILD

THE FACTS OF LIFE FOR KIDS

LESSONS IN LIFE I ALWAYS WANT MY CHILDREN TO REMEMBER

HEALTHY SELF-CARE FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING

HOPE KEEPS US GOING FORWARD

POST SCRIPT

THE DOCTOR’S TOP TEN PARENTING TIPS

APPENDIX

PARENT/CHILD INVENTORIES AND EXERCISES

DOES MY CHILD HAVE ADD/ADHD?

A SURVEY OF POSSIBLE LEARNING DISABILITIES

INFORMAL VOCABULARY READING TEST

LIFE CHANGES THAT IMPACT CHILDREN

EMPLOYABLE SKILLS SURVEY

CHILDHOOD DEPRESSION CHECKLIST

ANGER INVENTORY

52 WAYS TO SAY, Good For You

WHO AM I?

PROGRESSIVE RELAXATION

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DEDICATION

My wife, Bernice and I have been blessed with three capable and compassionate children, now all adults and effectively impacting the lives of countless children in their spheres of influence. All three have married like minded spouses and together they are capably parenting our eight grandchildren. Likewise, Bernice and I enjoy the close bonds of a large extended family, all of which provide servant leadership for the children in their homes and many beyond their borders. To our whole extended family, in Sweden and the United States of America, I dedicate this book.

Our family is about serving. Servant leadership has been a theme of our extended family for over four generations. To each of them for their past and future contributions, service and influence, I dedicate this book. I do so with appreciation and respect for the ways each has impacted my life and taught me lessons on raising children and helping me be a person of influence.

Our family has been blessed by many people of character and influence over the years. These have been teachers, professors, pastors, scout leaders, Sunday School teachers, business associates, friends, and many relatives. We have been an open family, willing to learn from each other, and willing to be impacted by others beyond our family. We trust this family pattern of leadership and interpersonal influence will continue on.

A special recognition goes to the former Rev. Fred Beck, my pastor during my early childhood years. His deep baritone voice, kindly manner, and tall stature impressed me as a young boy living on the south side of Chicago. I recall his Sunday morning sermons preached with the force of his articulate voice, while dressed in a black and gray tuxedo with long tails. While I recall no sermon or main point, his life and relationship with my family impressed me and encouraged me in my young and growing faith. I am thankful for his influence on my life. I also thank his daughter, Anne Ross for permission to use the quotes of her father, Fred Beck, originally published in ArrowHeads: Some Straight Lines for Strong Living. Although published in 1943, they still have meaning for us today as we pursue personal meaning and effective parenting.

Allan

Husband, Dad, Papa, Brother, Uncle, and Therapist

PREFACE

Parenting is one of the most difficult tasks and one of the most important tasks a person can undertake. The impact and results of a person’s parenting will last and extend for generations. It is not a task to undertake lightly and without ongoing training and skill development in parent/child relationships.

Of special interest are working mothers. Rightly so, they often are concerned that their absence from the home will be a negative factor in their child’s development. Their concern is justified, according to Norma L. Radin, University of Michigan, Professor of Social Work, only if the mother resents working outside the home or feels guilty. In both of these cases, the child receives a negative message. However, if the mother feels positive about her job, her feelings of self-esteem and self-worth tend to increase. These positive feelings, in turn, make her a more confident, competent parent, says Radin.

How do parents instill confidence in their children? Giving a child a negative label or engaging in name calling does not help, according to Professor Radin. Children need to feel good about themselves. For example, school studies have shown that when parents and children attribute their failure to uncontrollable factors within themselves, such as lack of ability, their performance deteriorates. But, if they feel their failure was due to lack of effort rather than lack of ability, they often try harder and then experience greater success.

Girls are more likely to suffer from learned helplessness. They reason that they just can’t do it, while boys reason that they could do it if they tried. Helping a child put forth more effort—a controllable quantity—will bring better results than offering sympathy for lack of ability, Radin explains.

One of the most important attitudes parents convey is personal control over what happens to you. One of the most powerful tools we can give our child is the conviction that the future is within their control by the choices they make.

Radin, who has done extensive research on the ways parents influence young children, also advises:

• Discuss, don’t dictate. Adopt a problem-solving mode of interaction that engages children’s reasoning ability. Allow them to make decisions and accept the consequences.

• Tell children what you expect of them. Praise and reward good behavior and adherence to family rules.

• Be predictable. Much of a child’s world is uncertain; he needs to know what actions and reactions to expect from parents. The expectation that, If I do this, mother will be pleased, or If I do that, I will be scolded, contributes to the child’s belief that he is the master of his fate. Self-mastery is closely associated with school and career success.

• Admit that you are wrong, when you make a mistake. This it he way children learn that it’s okay to admit their mistakes to their parents and not be subjected to harsh reaction patterns.

• Spend time individually with each child, at least occasionally. This builds self-esteem by sending a message to the child that he or she is valuable, loved, and fun company.

• Listen to the child without criticism: allow him or her to express feelings and opinions openly.

• Provide a good example for your children. Children learn by imitation, and they will learn to be honest, kind, and sensitive if they see parents behaving in those ways toward others and toward them.

• Be consistent. Children learn to be trustworthy when they imitate the actions of parents they can trust to follow through. This is reassuring to children and allows the development of a sense of security.

No parent is perfect, but by trying to follow these guidelines parents can help children develop self-confidence. Parents also develop self-esteem and increase their competence as parents.

This book was written for all parents involved in the process of raising children into competent adults. This book would be best used by parents and grandparents if they:

1. Select the problem area to be the center of focus for the next few weeks.

2. Stay with the problem behavior for several weeks and until the child is behaving. more consistently and properly.

3. Focus on one, two, or three behavioral areas before moving on to another problem area.

4. Celebrate any and all improvements.

5. Use the book like a textbook for a class on parenting. Consult it frequently.

6. Share the book with other parents who could benefit from the lessons included in this book.

….above all else, enjoy your children, build memories, create traditions, and build a great family legacy.

Allan G. Hedberg, Ph.D.,

Clinical and Consulting Psychologist,

Fresno, CA

PART I

PARENTING: Am I Prepared to Raise a Family?

The strength of a nation derives from

the integrity of the home.

Confucius

Prepared: adj. Subjected to a special process or treatment.

Family: n. A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head.

ASSESSING MY PARENTING AND CHILD MANAGEMENT SKILLS

Below are 10 questions by which to assess your parenting skills and your child management skills in the home. Answer each question using the 5 point scale noted below. When finished, add up the total points. The higher the score the better. The lower the score, the more a professional counselor needs to be consulted. Look at the individual items on which you gave yourself a low score. Commit to improve these areas of your parenting. Seek help in knowing how to make the needed improvements.

SCORING SCALE

(1) Never; (2) Sometimes; (3) About half the time; (4) Usually; (5) Always

QUESTIONS

1. After you have told your children (child) to do something, do you follow through to check to see if it was done so you can reward the child properly if the action was undertaken as you requested?

2. Do you involve your children (child) in the making of rules for the home for all to follow?

3. When trying to instill new behavior patterns, do you make liberal use of tangible and verbal rewards each time the new or requested behavior is carried out?

4. When correcting your children (child) do you explain what was wrong or undesirable and then explain what they should do better or differently the next time the situation occurs?

5. Do you clearly explain what you expect of your children (child) in a given situation and then follow through by monitoring if the expectation was met and give appropriate feedback to the children (child)?

6. Do you listen actively and carefully to your children (child) as they express their feelings so they know they were heard and that the essence of their feelings was understood and felt?

7. Do you deal with your children’s (child’s) social and academic behavior problems quickly and by taking an active role in the resolution to the problem(s)?

8. Are you consistent in what you expect of your children (child) from day to day and how you handle their behavioral choices from day to day?

9. Do you expect and encourage family unity, family priority, and family togetherness in events, activities and lifestyle in the home and in all areas of family life?

10. When a serious problem arises in the home, involving the children (child), do you quickly consult a professional counselor as a family?

Total score (40 + is very good; 30+ is fairly good; 20+ is marginal and improvement is needed; 10+ is poor and much improvement is needed)

What are the three or four items you need to improve over this next month? Do you have a game plan to bring about improvement?

ARE MY INTENTIONAL PARENTING OBJECTIVES IN PLACE?

Parenting is intentional if a parent has clearly defined objectives for the family and strives to reach them through the daily process of family life. Of course, a parent cannot control all the factors that influences a child, but can retain the primary focus of a child’s attention and interpersonal learning.

Below are six objectives parents can strive to instill within their children to maximize the chance of being family of interpersonal attractiveness. Such a family will be attractive, influential, and intentional in their interpersonal and personal lives.

Am I ready to approach parenting with the goal to behave as a parent in accordance with the following components? Give yourself a score from 1 (low) to 5 (high) on each item.

COMPONENTS OF AN INTENTIONAL FAMILY

1. Encouragers: People are attracted to those who enhance their self-esteem. Intentional parents aim to enhance their children’s self-esteem and teach their children how to help others have positive self-esteem.

2. Facilitators: People are attracted to those who help them define and reach their goals. Intentional parents aim to help their children clearly define life goals and to live in such a way that the goals will be attained.

3. Builders: People are attracted to those who make them feel important. Intentional parents aim to make their children feel important and help them make others also feel important.

4. Reinforces: People are attracted to those who express positive regard and approval and make them feel affirmed for who they are and what they have done. Intentional parents aim to affirm their children for who they are and whenever they have done something positive and of value. They also teach their children to do likewise with their peers and family members.

5. Helpers: People are attracted to those who help reduce the levels of anxiety, fear, pain, and the work load with which they live. Intentional parents aim to minimize the emotional stress in the lives of their children and also teach them to help others to reduce their emotional stress and work load.

6. Companions: People are attractive to those who increase their exposure to positive events and experiences in their daily lives. Intentional parents aim to provide positive experience for their children and teach them to help others have positive events and experiences in their lives.

Plan to improve your parenting on all items scored 3 or below. Seek professional consultation as necessary. The goal is to become more intentional in the raising of the children.

PARENTING INVENTORY

To best assess your parenting skills and approach, it is necessary to take an inventory of the parenting history in your home as a child. It is best to look into your parents parenting style and your exposure to your parents, both good and bad, over the years of your life. It is important to examine the traumas and hurts that you received from your parents and other parental figures in your early life.

Take the inventory below and reflect on how these experiences have made you a good parent or less than adequate parent. As a married couple, complete this form separately and then discuss your answers. Come to terms with areas of differences. You need to be on the same page.

The remainder of the book will help you improve your parenting skills, attitudes and style. Both parents will need to learn new skills and sharpen your style of parenting to be more consistent and effective in the future. Some areas will need more sharpening than others.

If you have some unfinished business with your parents from childhood, this would be a good time to resolve such matters as you assume your rightful role as an effective parent yourself. Seek the consul of a psychologist as needed.

MY FAMILY’S HISTORY

1. What positive parenting skills did you learn from your father?

2. What positive parenting skills did you learn from you mother?

3. Describe the positive communication patterns that took place in your home.

4. Name 3-5 positive events that took place on regular basis in your home.

5. How did your parents resolve interpersonal conflicts in a constructive manner?

6. How did you benefit from your parents guidance about school and education? Activities outside of school? Sports? Music? Other?

7. How are you trying to be like your mother as a parent?

8. How are you trying to be like your father as a parent?

9. How are you determined to be different from your parents as you parent your children?

10. How were you encouraged to set goals and work to achieve them?

11. At what age did you have a traumatic experience that could affect you in your parenting approach? How are you going about parenting so this does not have a negative affect on your parenting style?

12. How easy is it to tell your children you love them?

13. How easy is it to tell your children thanks, that you are proud of them and/or you are glad they are in your family?

14. How easy is it to tell your children that you are proud of them when they do the right thing or succeed in something?

15. How did your parents teach you or encourage you in developing a personal faith in God?

16. How did your parents teach you money management skills and be self sufficient?

17. How did your parents teach you how to work and be independent?

18. How did you parents help you develop self-esteem?

19. How did you and the family handle pain, hurt and disappointment in your youth?

20. How did your family teach the keeping of rules, boundaries, and commitments?

Are there any other areas of your childhood that you feel are influencing your style of parenting? Why or how?

1.

2.

3.

WHAT IS MY