Magic in Arranged Marriage…: Is It for the West?

Contents

Book Outline

Foreword

Thank you - Acknowledgements

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Historical Background

Chapter 2 - My Early Beginnings

Chapter 3 – Early Years of Preparation

Chapter 4 - Life in the Fast Lane

Chapter 5 – Tests of Eligibility

Chapter 6 - Setting My Goals

Chapter 7 - The Search for My Bride Begins

Chapter 8 – The Search Continues

Chapter 9 – The Wait Continues

Chapter 10 - MOMENT OF TRUTH

Chapter 11 – The Wait Was Over

Chapter 12 - Comparative

Study of Marriages - East and West

Chapter 13 – How Can You

Arrange a Marriage for Yourself?

Fix it before it breaks down

Ask Yourself These Questions

Some Tips that may help in Life!

Synopsis

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

REFERENCES

TESTIMONIALS

Book Outline

INTRODUCTION: Topic of arranged marriages - why it has worked for me / why it is working for a lot of people, why it seems to be relevant, examples of author’s life and his arranged marriage, outlining key components of arranged marriage - why some components may also work for you. There are a number of real life stories/case studies to give readers a true image of arranged marriage. Readers can also see what Indian women go through., what is expected of them and what is acceptable to the society.

HISTORY: Indian culture and what has influenced arranged marriages: history, religion, traditions, beliefs, family values and cultural values.

AUTHOR’S HISTORY

Arranged Marriage TOPIC 1

Foreword

The information provided in Magic in Arranged Marriage is to give you an insight into a new uncharted world of infinite possibilities. It is an alternative choice, a contingency plan, if you will, a road-map to a progressive and advanced matrimonial alliance. It is a doorway to a new paradigm. I have tried to educate you with many stories, explanations of some eastern beliefs and traditions, illustrations and examples based on facts from my life when I embarked on an arranged marriage in 1982.

I knew from the beginning that I would have an arranged marriage. That is the custom in my native country. It has been there for generations. We didn’t know anything else. Not only it was expected to carry on this tradition, but also it was my duty to stay connected and pass the torch of heritage. Somehow, the basic premise that an arranged marriage would work well for me was ingrained in my very being from my early days. More than anything else, you will learn that with God everything is possible. If God is with you, the most dreaded and disappointingly dark nights can be days of beautiful sunshine overflowing with vibrant energy. Never give up hope. Hope will take you ashore regardless of how rough the seas may be. Arranged marriage carried a promise and I was expected to test it wholeheartedly.

As you read, take a breather every now and then, because these concepts may be foreign and outside the box. Take an inventory of what you have learned from the book every time you pause. Ask yourself - Can I apply this to my life? Can this improve my life? My relationship? My family? My position? My company? I challenge you to sever the traditional thinking and try thinking "outside the box". I know you will succeed. Keep the hope alive and God as your companion when you try.

There are ten axioms I have compiled spread throughout the book. Don’t just read them once, read them several times to internalize them. These axioms will help you self-diagnose and guide you to determine where you stand with your relationship, your love-life, your marriage and your level of personal happiness. Arranged marriages are generally long lasting primarily because of the core values. It is my goal to explain these values and the rationale behind them. At the end of the book, there are thirty love quotient questions that you can ask yourself to diagnose the health of your relationship and possibly steer your relationship in the right direction.

Ask yourself a very serious and a candid question - Are you the same person right now - that you were when you first started dating your spouse? Have you changed a lot? Are you doing the same loving things you did when you first started dating? Things like holding hands, necking, kissing, complimenting, words of love, show of love, buying gifts, flowers, going out for dinner, shows, movies, opening doors, pulling the chair, spontaneous acts of love, offering neck massage, or a back rub. If you are not doing these things, ask yourself - why not? No wonder your relationship is not the same. You have changed and your relationship has changed too. Ask yourself …. why your relationship has changed for the worse? Who gave permission for your relationship to change for the worse? You have changed, but you claim that you have never ordered your relationship to change. How did it change? Why then did it change? You do know why. You know how to fix it too. It is not too late.

Finding a spouse, going out, falling in love, getting married, raising a family and then forgetting everything about how you got there in the first place is a common problem in the West. First and foremost, find the right spouse. If you did not, fix the one you have and accept the fact that there is no greener pasture over the fence.

My goal in writing this book is simple and straightforward. Out of many people who will read this book, if it helps just one person in this vast world, my work is well worth it. That one person could be YOU!

Thank you - Acknowledgements

I want to acknowledge every person who came to assist me in writing this book. Due to their suggestions, pointers, motivations and sensitive questions, I enjoyed writing this and went on to write a labor of love rather than a mere book.

First, I want to thank Professor S. N. Hegde who went through the manuscript painstakingly and made invaluable edits, revisions and suggestions. His time and effort have been unbelievably praiseworthy, and without which, this book would have never been shaped this way. His contribution to this book is truly enormous. He is a former Vice-Chancellor of Mysore University, in South India. He has spent over forty years in research and teaching Zoology. More than anything else, the true testimony is - he is happily married for over forty years through arranged marriage.

Professor Hegde is an acclaimed director of several research projects, author of over seventy research papers and supervisor of several doctoral candidates. He is the recipient of numerous awards, a Commonwealth Research Fellow and a Fulbright Visiting Professor at the University of Arizona, Tucson.

I also want to thank Alexandra Thorpe, who also made enormous editing contributions during the final revision.

I want to thank my beautiful bride of a quarter century, Vijayalaxmi, for motivating me to write during those days when my pen went dry and my thinking faculties ran on empty. She filled me in with connecting scenarios, and more importantly, she pulled me up when I was in the dumps with my thought factory. There is a powerful woman behind every successful man. If you can believe in this saying, Vijayalaxmi is every bit of a traditional Indian woman, yet powerful indeed. She is loving, caring, understanding and very much to the point when it comes to business.

My friend, Mr. Janardhana Rai, was always there with me in India whenever I needed him. He was there every day to help me in the process, every which way he could. My special thanks to a dear friend in Rai. Finding my bride would not have been possible without the help of Mr. Narayana Shetty, referred to as the Hindi master in the book. Many thanks to him.

I want to thank Mr. Shrinivasa Alva and Mr. Thyagaraja Poonja. Without Mr. Alva, I would never have ventured in to the unknown world of Vijayalaxmi with his thought provoking queries driving the best in me to commit to without dowry. Mr. Poonja for extending a helping hand to make my marriage come together when it looked to be going nowhere. He went out of his way to promote me, expecting nothing in return.

In addition, I want to thank Mr. Fred Lynn, Retired professional baseball player, Shammana Muddukrishna, Ph.D, I. I.T., Kanpur, India, Mr. Hal Childs, Retired NBA Executive, (1974-75 NBA Champions, Golden State Warriors) Peter Lewi, Broker, Lewi Realty, Talk Show host and Attorney-At-Law, Don Zillioux, President and CEO, Strategic Developments Worldwide, Dr. Sandhya Hegde, (Center for Dental Health, La Jolla) Mr. Vittal Shetty, Retired Vijaya Bank AGM, Mr. A. P. Hegde, Mrs. Sulochana Hegde, Y.T. Hegde, Reputed Criminal Attorney, Mangalore, Stephanie and Rachel Larson, Larson Sisters Band, Joshua Kearns, M.D., Rajesh Kotian, Sushanth Rai - Hewlett Packard, Kalidasa Poonja, Marko Marchetti, Alex Iacobello- CPA, Qayed Shareef - American Lending Group, Rob Butterfield, Attorney-at-law, Tracy & Alexandra Thorpe, Barbara Campbell, Cindy Kerlan and Vicki Cotton, who have helped me write and put together the manuscript during different stages.

I want to thank my agent, publishing company, its editors, designers, management, marketing personnel, printers and all others who made it possible to put this book in your hands.

Finally, I want to thank you – the reader. Without you, this book is of no use, and all my twenty years of hard work is futile.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my father, the late Pakeerappa Shetty, my everloving nanny, Menaka, my eldest brother, the late Dr. Subbayya Shetty and my family: my unforgettable bride and loving wife, Vijayalaxmi, my handsome son, Amith, my miracle son, Ramkishan, and my princess of a daughter, Anisha.

Introduction

People often ask me questions like, Arranged marriages — do they still exist? If they do, isn’t it only in the remote rural areas of India where civilization is still prehistoric? Is it plausible that there are people who still subject themselves to such a primitive practice?

The answer is very simple. Yes, it is still the biggest process by which two people tie themselves together in marriage.

An arranged marriage differs from a traditional western marriage in that the mind is engaged before the body is. Only with our brains can we truly look deep inside another person and take their true measure. In the West, we start to take physical measurements even before we know their first and last names! In an arranged marriage, conventional wisdom and time-tested experience determine the suitability of the match. Sex is not a part of this selection process at all. Unfortunately, the West disregards the fact that there is much more to the institution of marriage than a series of erotic rendezvous in bed. If sexual compatibility shows promise, everything else will fall into place. That conclusion is not right. It should be replaced by if sex is there, then it can be improved. It is absolutely insane to ignore the very foundation for a sound future relationship that gives rise to love and family and instead build everything around an erotic sexual experience. Most of the encounters that end up in sex on the first or second date will go nowhere, as the couples may not recollect how it happened. The relationship may not go too far if they jump into bed on the first or second date as the challenge of sexual conquer is stripped out of the equation. They may have been intoxicated with passion instead of reason. If all goes well in bed and if the performance under the covers is better than expected, and if we benchmark that animal instinct in us to our future and our unborn kids’ future, certainly the approach is regressive rather than progressive.

It is quite the opposite in India. It is very subtle. First, you find the necessary players for the drama of life. Then you give them the script and let them play the role. All other intangibles will come to play in the perfect scene of life. Sex will be non-existent here, as it doesn’t need an undressed rehearsal. You only need a dress rehearsal. Sex will be everything you want it to be and envision it to be, as long as you give 101 percent expecting nothing in return. Nature has its own built-in calculator. You will get ten-fold in return for an act well done. Krishna recites "Gita" to Arjuna as they prepare to fight the evil forces in the legendary Indian epic "Mahabharata". Krishna, the master of eloquence, lures Arjuna to fight the war against the evil and tells him not to worry about the outcome of the war – just fight the war as best as he possibly can and leave Him to worry about the result. In more recent days, Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian freedom fighter and the father of the nation, once said, "Act, but ask not the fruit of your action." In other words, for all the good things that you are going to do in life, you are doing in life and have done in your life, there is a just reward waiting, whether you ask for it or not. It is automatic. You don’t need to ask for it; it will come to you, as it is Nature’s Law. Nature owes you that. Nobody can take it away.

People ask me, What if you opt for an arranged marriage and after awhile realize that you are not sexually compatible? Obviously, sex is everything for these people. It seems as if there is no life after sex for this generation. Sex must be the ultimate for these kinds of people. What is sexual compatibility? Why don’t you make the sex compatible? It is up to you to make it. Be more spontaneous. Don’t concentrate on sex too much. Let it develop as you grow and bond in love with your spouse. Don’t fast forward. Slow it down. Enjoy the moment with your beloved. Don’t push for it. If you want some new style or type of sex – do it! If you have a desire for something different, do it! Show it! Give it! Don’t just take what is there – help make it fit your desire. Custom make it to fit your likes and dislikes. Learn how to do that. Sex will be everything you envision it to be. If you resolve to the fact that the person you are currently in a relationship with is the best and the right person in the whole wide world, sex and all the most sensual experiences sex can bring will be yours. As a result, sex will be in abundance, love will flow uninterrupted and sex will be nothing short of eternal bliss. That is why an arranged marriage is conceptually more advanced, more spiritual and more meaningful. These days, the West is experiencing spiritual disintegration and everything seems to be temporary, including marital relationships.

The author describes how to arrange a marriage and live happily, be more productive at work and become an excellent employee, become a good spouse, parent, and a better person overall. You can change the world for the better only by changing you.

Arranged marriage is certainly not new. It was in vogue for centuries. For instance, in Hindu epics (approximately 2000 BC) both "Swayamvara and "Gandharva vivaha" systems of marriage were described.

In Sanskrit, "Swayamdenotes self. Vara means the groom. Swayamvara is an arranged process, whereas Gandharva vivaha" is a form of love marriage. The following were the conditions for Swayamvara:

*The groom must be one of the invitees and shall hail from a family of comparable social and economic status.

*The groom must be highly skilled and should accomplish the task fixed by the bride’s father.

In the legendary Indian epic, Ramayana, Lord Vishnu, the supreme deity in Hindu mythology, incarnates as a human being called Rama. Rama was one of the princes who attended the swayamvara arranged for Sita by her father, King Janaka. The King had set an almost impossible task to win Sita in marriage. The bid was - the person who shows the court that he knows how to handle this divine bow, the Shivadhanush, (Lord Shiva’s bow made of gold) will win his daughter in marriage. Lord Shiva’s bow was so heavy that it required several elephants to bring it to the venue where the "swayamvara" was held. So, you can imagine how tough this had to be to show mastery over such an advanced weaponry even in those days. As you may have already guessed, Rama with his divine and magical touch shows total mastery over the holy bow and accidentally breaks the bow (to show everybody how strong he really is), and Sita couldn’t wait to honor Rama with her garland. Sita instantaneously accepts him as her husband. There were quite a number of other notable princes who gathered to steal Sita, but they couldn’t even move the great bow, let alone break it. There are a number of similar episodes in Hindu Mythology that describes "swayamvara. However, swayamvara"-type of marriage is non-existent today.

"Gandharva vivaha" is another ancient system of Indian marriage. It compares with love marriage. Gandharva vivaha is somewhat similar to an elopement with the lover, getting married secretly, especially when parents refuse consent to such a union. Gandharva vivaha is getting married privately without being arranged or witnessed by others, unlike traditional arranged weddings. However, Gandharva vivaha is supposed to be witnessed by "Gandharvas (powers associated with God). There is no superior authority for approval other than God. If God is for us, who could be against?" If God or Gandharvas have witnessed it, everyone deemed to have witnessed it, and hence there is no need to register it. There is no need to prove it to any other authorities once you have cleared it with the heavens. It is set in stone.

In an age of technological revolution, we seemed to have moved away from the past in a quest to test something new. A large proportion of marriages in India is arranged. According to the well-known ABC program 20/20¹, 60% of all marriages in the world use the arranged marriage system. Arranged marriages are believed to be widespread and practiced in almost all Islamic countries, Russia, Italy, Spain, some Latin American countries, Japan, and China, yet it has not penetrated the American society – probably the doctrine of liberty is the driving force even in marriage. Many European countries fair well in arranged marriage. English history tells us that there were many arranged marriages, especially among many queens and kings. Aristocratic families had this kind of marriage for centuries. A good example is Princess Diana and Prince Charles. In cases like these, the driving force is the fear of an outsider coming in to take away the materialistic possessions, not the binding relationship or love prior to marriage.

People seem to have different perceptions and apprehensions on Indian arranged marriages. The author wants to impart his personal knowledge on the subject to those who would like to see from inside and who dare to experience the miracles and live life to its fullest. Building a lasting partnership full of excitement, happiness at home and at work, and sexual gratification are but a few facets of this system.

There is no reason to talk about negatives. You have the power to change the negative surroundings by changing you. Start small — the duplication process of the universe will take care of the rest. The world will thank you for your initiation. The Western world has had sketchy views on the subject for years. Questions like: Indian women are acquiescent, aren’t they? Women don’t have a say in this, do they? This arrangement is more male chauvinism, isn’t it? Parents of the girl need to give a lot of dowry to the bridegroom and his family, right? This is discriminating against women and forcing them to build matrimonial home not of their choice isn’t it? These are genuinely honest questions about an arranged marriage. But, the fact is that arranged marriages are long-lasting and, for the most part, ideal.

What if they don’t get along, can they divorce? is another pessimistic question. Queries like these will find explanation once you peruse this book. The rate of divorce is alarmingly high in the west, whereas it is significantly less among arranged marriages.

There are many cases of parents arranging a marriage and the boy or the girl had other ideas. Some may have been already in love and agreed to break such a relationship due to pressure, then ended up miserably in tragedies. Many may have read Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet; others may have watched scores of Bollywood movies and threw away their life to prove a losing point. Arranged marriages are certainly not problem-free. There are numerous tragedies that have resulted from arranged marriage albeit it could have been averted*.

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*CASE STUDY EXAMPLE -TRUE STORY - 1 Raju & Rani’s fate

Raju was twenty-three years old when he came to America from Bombay for higher studies in software engineering. Raju was born and raised in Mangalore, the same city where I come from. He also belonged to the "Bunt" community, a prominent Hindu group. He grew up in Bombay, where his father owned a restaurant. He went to the engineering school in Bombay and secured B.S. degree. After making the U.S. his home since 1995, he successfully completed his higher studies in software engineering and got his M.S. degree. Raju had secured a good job based on his academic achievements of the past from India while he was studying for the master’s degree. Like all other Indian students, he was bright and he had an earnest desire to excel. He did just that upon completion of his M.S. degree in engineering. Raju got promoted to management immediately following his M.S. He was an ideal employee, worked late, long hours, weekends, evenings and all. His work habit earned him the goodwill of his employer and fellow employees. Besides his accomplishments in the company, he also gathered some of the other things that went along with his improved financial success such as a new car, a greater suburban house, the amenities of modern electronic gadgets and fancy furnishings. This state of an Indian bachelor is called eligible to get married.

Raju’s family was on top of the situation. They were very happy to see their son advance in all areas of his life, education, job and material belongings. It is very common for Indian parents to stay in touch with every one within the family and step in whenever it is necessary. Arranging marriage for them at the ripe age and at the right time is always an opportunity the parents would be eagerly waiting for. Raju’s parents were no exception. They diligently proceeded to arrange his marriage. They selected a beautiful,