Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar: Multiplework, #1
Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar: Multiplework, #1
Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar: Multiplework, #1
Ebook1,010 pages16 hours

Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar: Multiplework, #1

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

3/5

()

Read preview

About this ebook

During the session with Dr. Marvin, there have always been very clear boundaries. Dr. M. always stays safely on his side of the table. Periodically, we will check out something with him on his computer, but it was very slow and measured. He greets us at his door and still to this day we scurry past him blindly coming in and going out. We don't tolerate closeness in the office without switching parts, usually to a more regressed, frightened, or angry self. We sit on the couch, and he is opposite us in a comfortable chair.  For a long time, we started sessions by having Dr. M. read our journal/blog to catch up. Some of the highlights of our sessions with Dr. M. are that he is ALWAYS in a good mood and smiles often, but if necessary, can be serious in a split second. He usually asks questions such as "What do you think about that?"

This book is our personal response to life, as told to Dr. Marvin, or lived with him and others.  Our name is Ann (Ann Marie), and we are a Multiple, or if you please, we have been diagnosed for the last 28 years with "Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID - 19 of us), "Complex - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)," and "Severe Depression." Most Multiples will tell you though, truthfully ... they are not disordered. We are more than a disorder - we like to think in terms of being a healthy community.  Please be invited to read and think about our book and those coming soon afterward.  It's time to catch up!

Ann

LanguageEnglish
PublisherAnn M Garvey
Release dateMay 9, 2018
ISBN9781386624103
Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar: Multiplework, #1
Author

Ann M Garvey

My name is officially Ann Marie Garvey.  I live 60 miles west of Chicago, but at the time of this book, we lived in Brookfield, IL  I am now 58 years old, and have been a Multiple (Dissociative Identity "Disorder").  There are 19 of us w/separate minds living in one body.  I have been writing for the last 15 years in either journal form, or through blogs.  Throughout the time of this book - and all the other books forthcoming, we have had regular (2 hour per week) sessions with Dr. Robert Marvin from University of IL - Chicago (UIC).  I am entirely grateful for his contribution to our life.  This book, Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar is the first book of many.  It encapsulates the time we wrote from September 2003 to September 2004.  We continue to write, and will continue adding books to our que.  We hope that you enjoy the books and spending time in our life.  Thanks for reading!

Related to Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar

Titles in the series (1)

View More

Related ebooks

Self-Improvement For You

View More

Related articles

Reviews for Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
3/5

1 rating0 reviews

What did you think?

Tap to rate

Review must be at least 10 words

    Book preview

    Coffee - No Cream, No Sugar - Ann M Garvey

    Foreword ...

    We were born in Minneapolis, MN in July of 1959.  We went through a very abusive childhood, including sexual, physical, mental and spiritual.  We graduated high school in 1977 and went on to college that year at St. Mary’s University of MN.  We attended three years including a semester in Norway, and then we became pregnant with our first son.

    We and our boyfriend got married in June of 1980 and moved to Chicago, and then Oak Park, IL.  We had three sons within four years.  We stayed home with the boys and my husband had a small Victorian house painting business that was successful.  We bought several more houses/homes in Elgin, IL and moved while the boys were still young.

    We started being counseled in 1984 because we were having troubles with depression and anger.  At times we became suicidal, and our husband was frequently absent, drinking or using recreational drugs.  We found a steady therapist for 1985-87, but then he changed practices.  We became engaged in the boys’ school systems through volunteer work and enjoyed finding people with similar interests.

    But, by 1990 the marriage was very dysfunctional, and we ended up hospitalized at Rush-St. Luke’s in Chicago for 7 weeks.  When the insurance ran out, my husband put me on public aid.  The hospital could see problems between our spouse and us and recommended that we complete our original plans to go back to school at St. Mary’s to finish our senior year, so we could obtain work.

    We left for school that fall, but we were soon depressed and overwhelmed and at Thanksgiving time while we were home, our husband stated that if we went back to school he would divorce us, lock us out of our home and we’d never see the boys again.  We went back to school, but within days were locked up at the local hospital psych ward.  We were pretty much out of our mind(s)

    My then sister-in-law convinced her husband, my husband’s brother to come and get me and bring me closer to home because they were unsure what to do with me other than send me to a MN state hospital.  My husband flew up with my BIL, but it was primarily the BIL we were able to talk to and he had decided to get us to the University of IL – Chicago psych unit.

    There we met Dr. Woollcott who was the head of their psych department.  He had us come to a big meeting where there were about 30 staff members, and he talked to me throughout the meeting.  We were then asked to leave the room, so they could make their conclusions.  This is where we were diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as well as Severe Depression, PTSD with anxiety and obsessive tendencies.

    We remained at UIC psych ward for 2 months and the doctors told us, we wouldn’t be released until we found housing separate from our husband.  We did separate within our 18 room Victorian house because it had separate entries.  We remained under Dr. Woollcott’s care for 7 years and through the divorce.  Surprisingly, we ended up with the kids though with not much financial or emotional support.

    We raised the kids and our ex had them every other weekend with his new wife and her family.  In 1997, we came to another end.  The boys’ father wanted one of his sons and the costs of going through court were astronomical.  We had secured a house, but we lost the house, the boys, the job we had, and even our dog through bankruptcy and all.

    We were re-hospitalized and told once more now with boys given to their father that we should go back to school in MN which we did.  One of our favorite nurses stated we were at the bottom of our life cycle and there was nowhere to go but up.  We lived in a homeless shelter and then got government housing.

    We graduated in two years but had been in and out of hospital psych including Mayo Clinic where we had received electric shock treatment.  A friend of twenty years – a Christian Brother had sexually abused us, which nearly finished us.  We had the help of the psychology department chair (we have a BA in psychology) to graduate.

    Before we left our job in Chicago (while we had the boys), we met Rich our life partner who had been our boss.  We fell into a romantic relationship that seemed to continue while we were alone in MN.  He was married.  After we graduated in 1999, he assisted us in getting another job in Chicago which we held for twelve years.

    We were a mix of social worker/counselor for adults with developmental disabilities and we managed a case load of about 24 people, worked on program development, maintained a weekly group for all clients, trained staff, and was put in charge of the center’s accreditation.  We were a biggish fish in a very small pond – about 50 clients total.

    Part of what got us through those years, was that Dr.  Woollcott who had retired, had paired us with another psychiatrist, Dr. Marvin and he’s been with us now about 17 years.

    We did well for a good amount of time, but then we started to have real trouble with our administrator – a Catholic nun past her 80’s.  The Sisters were in the process of replacing her, but a lot of damage was done first.  She added not only a tremendous work burden on us, but as well was very psychologically bitter and emotionally destructive.  We left the agency in 2011 with suicidal behavior again (hadn’t been acted out for 8 years), and we gained an ulcer.

    We were by this time living with Rich in our Brookfield apartment.  His marriage had ended in 2007.  In January of 2013, Rich and we found a home in Sandwich, IL where he could be taking care of his elderly mother – four miles away.  We continue driving bi-weekly the 60 miles into Chicago so that we can see Dr. Marvin.

    Although the house is a mobile, it is double wide with 4 bedrooms which gives us room to have sleepovers with three of our older four grandchildren and periodically our sons – who are thankfully successful.  Our Marine son now works for Lockheed Martin in Japan, one owns a karate dojo and teaches, and the last is a technician working toward management at Comcast.  The fourth room gives us a sewing room for the quilting that we like to do with family and friends.

    We are on disability and don’t leave the house often other than doctor appointments. We have a service dog who keeps us company and grounded.  We are getting back to online work in Multiplicity, we have written a book, maintained a blog for 13 years, and we’ve completed a half a masters (before it became too much).

    Throughout all, we consider ourselves very happy.  We’ve been with Rich for 22 years and time is spent primarily working on keeping a good balance.  We still have times we’re depressed and physically, we’ve lost most of our mobility skills through diabetes, weight and back issues.

    But, I think if we were to summarize our lives to this point, I would have to still say we’ve been blessed.  We’ve made the most out of our adversity, maintained our sense of humor, and we feel good about what we are doing day to day.  We like us and those in our life.

    And, we feel special – to be here Ann’s – September 2016

    As an update ... May 2018

    The boys, Rich and Dakota is still well, and we continue seeing Dr. Marvin and are in our 18th anniversary with Dr. Marvin.

    Life is still good!  We’re still living in Sandwich.  We’ve done a lot of updating to our home, which has become a hobby.  So far, we put a new roof on, replaced the windows, upgraded insulation, and put new siding/shutters on the house. We remodeled both bathrooms, the laundry/storage room, kitchen and dining areas. Added new trim and repainted both our main rooms, added a new furnace and air conditioner, and put-in UV protected shades in the sunroom.

    We still blog quite a bit, and utilize certain programs and apps, focusing on not only mental, but our physical shape. Part of that is in accepting more doctors than a handful to fine-tune one thing or another.  Other than effort, the spine procedures and C-Pap machine have helped us make the most physical progress.  We want to be alive and more mobile.

    Rich?  He likes to fish 

    In general, we keep-up through updates to our web/blogs and email/Evernote, and everything else, just helps!  And, we enjoy statistics   We work to get through the daily needs by curating knowledge in the areas that interest us.  We’ve tuned into many programs/sites that contribute positive information on health, multiplicity, reading/writing, politics, social media, etc. all the things that keep us attuned to a larger world.  CNN rocks!  And, for the first time in our lives finances are secure – thanks for the help Mom and Rich.

    During the session with Dr. Marvin, there have always been very clear boundaries. Dr. M. always stays safely on his side of the table. Periodically, we will check out something with him on his computer, but it was very slow and measured. He greets us at his door and still to this day we scurry past him blindly coming in and going out. We don’t tolerate closeness in the office without switching parts, usually to a more regressed, frightened, or angry selves. For a long while we started sessions by having Dr. M. read our journal to catch up. Some of the highlights of our sessions with Dr. M. are that he is ALWAYS in a good mood and smiles often, but can be serious in a split second. He is 7-12 years younger than us and we were one of his first patients. The only time Dr. M. sets the talking priorities is if there is official hospital business, such as billing to be covering or to warn us in advance when he would need time off. Otherwise, the agenda is up to us. He asks a lot of questions such as What do you think about that? He usually highlights when we are being logical considering age appropriateness.

    As to having parts in general, we have 20 though we say that one of our parts has died at infancy. We might plan what we are going to talk about, but we never have assurance of who will be talking to Dr. M. Dr. M. treats all parts fairly and sometimes he will translate something a part said in expression of thought or feeling if he thinks an older part can help out. For example, we might hear if KC has a problem with lack of ice cream because Sarah has us on a diet. It has always been our task to work it out. Dr. Marvin listens extremely well and helps us understand things that confuse us or causes us stress. His gift is not only his pleasant mannerisms, but that he’s so intelligent and has a very good memory for detail. Dr. M. allows us to send emails when necessary, but we wouldn’t expect more than a brief response sometime during that day or the next. We don’t talk to Dr. M during non-business hours.  There is an understanding that if we were to become suicidal and he wasn’t there, we would have to check ourselves into the hospital. We have currently been without a hospitalization now for 15 years. Sometimes, we do our visits over the phone.  We are stable.

    In the first chapter of our book, we list the parts by name and age, and further down the line, in the second or third story, we say a little more about the parts and what kind of early experience they had. It is not critical for the story to be elaborating on much of the abuse. Our therapy has been trying to help us live in the present and accept those responsibilities. We do not believe in integration nor has this been pushed on us by our psychiatrists. Our thing is about communication. If we pay attention to what a younger part needs, they are eventually going to need us or our attention, less and less. If something were to occur that would trigger a part – younger or older, we’d deal with the situation as it presented itself.

    We have always felt that if a part was needed to the degree of becoming, that we as a whole have no right to discontinue any of the parts space in this world. Our life is their life. We try to listen to the different parts without doing too much work to figure out the part’s separateness from us as a whole meaning we don’t often call out our parts by their independent name, although each part has a name. This might seem confusing, but in general, we know that each of our separate personalities have different capabilities, interests, priorities and such, but we do not stop to think through did Jamie say this or did Kate or Corey put out that last idea. If pressed we can figure out who said what and with a little more effort we can generally figure out why they said or suggested an idea – usually this is done by asking them a question, but it is too time consuming and divisive to pause and do this most of the time.

    We incorporate all communications of the parts as belonging to the whole, so live with and as whoever is present. Nobody in our outside world of singletons is allowed to call for specific parts. We try to maintain a fairly adult cooperative presentation of ourselves especially when in public, but it’s inevitable in the presence of people we are particularly close to that they become more responsive to us as individuals. We all respond to Ann or Ann Marie. We believe that we have an inner core part, and we call her in this book Dear Heart. We felt it was important for her to know about us so that she might be encouraged to spend more of her life out amongst us though she generally adds a sense of confusion as if always trying to catch up. We touch lightly at the beginning of our story on our beliefs about Multiplicity. It is my understanding that most Multiples vary somewhat as to the way their system works, but that each has a system, tribe, family, crew, etc.

    As to our writing of this story and the ones that follow, we began formally writing in August of 2003 by starting an AOL Journal (no longer exists). The two months immediately preceding this start we had expended another approximate 2 months in a psych ward due to the depression and being suicidal. Although it had been 3 years working and without a hospitalization, our father, step-mother and Godfather had all died within about 5 months from each other and it was too difficult for us. As we began to write, the names of family and friends were altered because we were unsure of the journal/blog allowance of privacy and about giving so many personal pieces of information on-line and to people who knew us directly, but did not need all the personal information. Eventually, some of the privacy slips away and we are not as guarded.

    Our sons at the time of this story being written were by now 19, 21 & 23. The two oldest sons each gave me a grandchild and then later a third grandchild was born. None of the boys lived with me during the year this story is written. I lived in my own third floor apartment with my two cats, who have since passed. We do have relationships with the boys, but we didn’t see them very much that year. Tanner and Macadam the middle and the oldest were working together downtown in finances. They each had a child, but only Macadam was married. Tanner and Jacob lived together when Jacob was not at his University. When Tanner was 21, he earned several millions of dollars – true story – and he had purchased an expensive home where he, Jacob and their immediate friends spent their time. A lot of their time that year was closed to us and spent instead within the world of computer animated games, which was very hard for us to understand and cope with although it made sense developmentally that they be gaining their own identities in the generation they fell and aspired to.

    Not too much longer than having introduced our friends in the story, the friends seemed to have dissipated into thin air. I’ve always had difficulty maintaining 3D friends especially because of the time needed to invest in the relationships to maintain them. Our essential relationship continues throughout the stories with Forest Path whom we call later in the book our friend. Our friend is not highlighted in this book, but it could be known that as of today we’ve been together in an intimate relationship since 1994. He had been a former boss. For most of these years, I’ve taken the role of a mistress, though he has always insisted we go by the title of friend. We do not have contact with Dr. L., the psychology professor who helped us during those last years of college, but periodically we will talk to Dr. W.

    Our boss/employee relationship with Sr. Tess was extremely important in this book though strained especially by the end. We will let that story tell itself. She appears to be the lead female figure in our life. I believe that she often represents to the older parts the conflicts we have in dealing with anger and especially angry women – both with our anger and the others’ anger. This is a by-product of our childhood. One person who is not mentioned throughout is our Mother. In 2003, that was an almost non-existing relationship. I don’t believe there was any contact with her throughout the year of this writing. I believe it was something that was being dealt with through the younger parts and their relationship to Dr. M. In a therapeutic relationship one often projects feelings that are difficult in real life onto the therapist, in our case our psychiatrist Dr. M. In comparison to Dr. M., Dr. W. did most the really hard work with child parts and trust, but Dr. M. still completes the role of keeping us primarily in the present and more normalized.

    If work were a character, I would say that that it was the real lead in the story. We spent a lot of time worrying over and fretting about it – sometimes it was like spinning our wheels and we often showed our obsessive-perfectionist tendencies. In our work, we carry a case load of about 24 individuals including running a group called, The Thinking Group, we trained staff, we assisted with the development of program, and we led the work on accreditation. The accreditation work is particularly trying and at the time was required for our center’s state funding. CARF was founded in 1966 as the Commission on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Facilities, CARF International is an independent, nonprofit accreditor of health and human services. If we weren’t doing CARF directly we were thinking that we should be working on it. The accreditation cycle for CARF is three years and needs to be maintained throughout the time to assure that our agency was following the best business and program standards. The actual accreditation time when the surveyor came took place in late spring of 2004.

    It seemed that we had put CARF in an an abusive role that was near impossible to be dealing with. We felt great stress as if it were trying to hurt us rather than make us a better day training center for adults with intellectual disabilities. Both Dr. M. and Dr. W. talked to us about our catastrophizing. I believe this was done with CARF. We also had trouble getting parts who remembered what they were processing to be coming back to do the work. There was a lot of hiding by internal parts especially when things were hard. It seemed the harder we worked the harder we wanted to play, or forget. The parts did work though, and due to all the work it seemed there was a recovery happening after the CARF survey was over especially as to remarks that the surveyor made to us and to our boss Sr. Tess. Things seemed to turn on the CARF dime.

    Another part of our world that was very big at the time of this story was the online social group we had met through AOL Journals. They became what are called our online friends and several of these relations have carried on over the years and are still present in our life. Dr. W. had always considered the computer to be the optimal distance between us and people. For several years, we didn’t talk to Dr. W. directly; we typed everything out on the keyboard in his office. This is a story for another time. I have never met in real life with the journal people although I did meet one online friend we had met in an online chat room for abuse survivors after we had lost the kids and house.

    We considered the journals to be like a mini-blog. Blogs were a few years old at the time. The month before we found them, AOL beta tested their journals feature to be like blogs, but friendlier. There was a lot of excitement about writing online, because it seemed to fulfill a great need we had for writing and communicating. Each subchapter of our book was another days’ entry made to the journals. We wrote off-line with a word processor and then posted the entry. At some point AOL made it so we could post pictures, and that format changed over time. We eventually left AOL Journals with a big group of people discontent with the service when they started adding advertisements to our small piece of online real estate. AOL discontinued their journal service a year or two later and we lost quite a few pictures, but maintain them in later manuscripts using the online services of Blogger.

    Journaling provided for us and others the sense of being a part of a community. AOL provided access through links to others who were also writing. The group fell into normal group dynamics as having ups and downs. There were leaders in the community and people who appeared to be creating specialties. One might talk of kids, another living on a boat, another for photographs and maybe another for journeying across the US. I don’t know how many thousands of people wrote in journals. AOL had only allowed the writing of 2500 characters for each journal post which separated us from the credibility most bloggers knew in the bigger blogosphere. With entries only 2000 characters long stories were shorter, so there was more time for visiting other journalists. I’d often press up against the word limits, and then sometimes we’d start new entries during the same day to get around the natural limitations. Eventually AOL went up to 25,000 characters. I appreciated this like most journalists, but the bad part was that with the longer entries it became unmanageable to be reading all the journals we had been reading in the time we had available. Many journalists had a linked list of 30 or more people they would read often. If you wanted to be read, good manners almost required that you go out and do the same.

    The most important relationships seem to be between us and Dr. M., our friend, and Sr. Tess. I was surprised when I went back and read the entire story again to find how little we talk about what is going on in the treatment relationship with Dr. M. Talking about that situation will happen more in future books. He is our one constant other than the boys and our friend, now known as Rich. At the time of this book, we had known Dr. M. for 5 years and trusted him to the extent we were able to trust anyone at that point. He has a relationship with all our parts, and they trust that he will protect their privacy even from other parts. The older parts still have to be responsible for younger parts so Dr. M. does some apparent negotiating. We try to develop trust so that we can understand their circumstances, which in no short order affect us. The idea at the time was that if we gave them time with Dr. M., they would give us time at work. We believe as well you are only as strong as your weakest link, and that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

    Finally, we would like to make a comment as to the title of our book. We do believe that our life is like being a world separate, but next to others. The part where we say, Regular, No Cream, No Sugar is a reference toward our belief that Multiples do not need to sensationalize their work for their work to be sensational. We wanted to tell a story not based on the elaborate and the gritty, but on just the day to day regular thoughts, behaviors and emotions of a person who happens to be a multiple. I relished the day my youngest son told me he had been in a psych class at his university when the talked about Multiples and showed a movie. He became defensive and stood up for us saying that’s not way it really is at all! Good work Jacob!

    We did a review of 47 books that were written primarily by Multiples as autobiographies or memoirs when we first published this book (2010). It seems in most books there is a crises of terrible horrible abuses and trauma, and then the multiple goes on some kind of a journey sometimes aided with a therapist or healer-type person. At least 25% of the time integration seems to be an ending point, but not always. Most times I could find in the product description some kind of drama that was particular to the story like being abused while sleeping, being suicidal or having affairs, having some other mental illness or running up against the occult or other psychic phenomenon or being filled with religiosity. There then was some eye-opening catch such as being interviewed by a journalist or that the multiple became a great writer, or teacher, or business person, won awards or pursued a degree. In all cases the Multiples went through some journey to survive, to cope, to become more transparent, to devote their time or perhaps just to live more normally. Most Multiples end their story by saying they were triumphant against the odds, gained insight, enabled or gave support to others, and overcame the issues to the degree of communicating outward.

    Basically, if you’ve been through abuse, you want to help or protect the next person from going through it, or you want to perhaps convey to the abusers that this could be the result if he or she were capable of caring. In general, this is the statement that can be said if all the Multiples contributed just a small part: Childhood abuse can be extreme, psychological, sexual, physical, emotional, ritual, and violent. Children who grow up to be Multiples have often been abused, traumatized, assaulted, raped, neglected, victims of incest, and kept in line often and are derogatorily considered as just women. Abuse situations can also involve beatings by hand or with whips and belts, being held at gunpoint, cleansed with chemicals, and could entail the occult. Childhood abuse is the face of tragedy and is Hellish, dysfunctional, willful, humanly depraved, nightmarish and insane. Victims and survivors suffer from these punishments and are left to feel terror, horror, absolute powerlessness and hopelessness; they suffer from being degraded, bullied, tortured, mutilated, and humiliated. Children feel angry, bitter, shamed, afraid, sad, and in pain and although they may try to deny, they remember.

    But our story takes place after having been in therapy for abuse for over 25 years. You won’t get too much of the traumatic by this point, but you will see the struggling day to day and sometimes the finding of new surprises on our quest to unearth a place of heaven on earth for ourselves in this world; to find a space with warmth, understanding and meaning. Please continue then to read and to expect many books to come. Good wishes and God’s Speed to you then in catching up.

    Our best,

    Ann Marie Garvey,

    May 2018

    CHAPTER 1 – AUGUST 2003

    First Day

    Hi. This is us. We're pretty special people and have met many more. We figure that we have 20 minds, but just one brain. Sometimes it gets confusing - we’re trying to concentrate on listening to just one voice at a time. It's all about communication.

    We have some good supports. First is our psychiatrist. We'll call him Dr. M. We've managed to keep him for the last four years. It seems like we believe in each other. There is still another psychiatrist friend, Dr. W. Officially he's retired after 7 years with us, but he's still in mind. It's the same with Dr. L. He's been the head of the psych department where we went to college. Just heaven sent these folks. As are our major friends Forest Path, Bubbling Stream, Rosewood Tree, Gentle Brook, Clear Sky, and River Bank ... just enough people caring to make us believe we're pretty special. Hmm, special ... that would describe our three sons and their families. None of us get to see them nearly as often as we would like, but they are top rate! Their names are Macadam (22), Macadam's wife Lee, and daughter Abby (2.5), Tanner (21), Tanner's son AJ (3), Jacob (19) and his friend Aldan (18). We have a pretty close relationship with my boss too. Her name is Sr. Tess. Lastly, are our two sibling kitties, though they are 5 years just this month? They're names are Missy and Chief or (Mischief).

    Lately, we've been having a little trouble with our life because of the depression. We've been hospitalized twice between June and August for suicidal behaviors. Plus, we were hospitalized once for chest pains and a second time to find out about the diabetes. Before that, we'd gone 3 years without the need to be hospitalized. The suicidal things have been due mostly to issues we have with abandonment. My father died of complications of diabetes in February, my stepmother of 25 years (Sandy) died of complications of cancer in May, and our Godfather died in August. 

    Do We All Have Names?

    Today seems like a pretty good day. We've been up for a couple of hours mostly writing to our newest friend River Bank. He says that I can write him anytime about anything as often as we wish. Man, don’t you just got to love a friend like that! He keeps me in line with important things ... mostly philosophies of life and a whole lot of love and acceptance. He's real smart. Just love to get emails and calls from him.

    In about four hours, we'll have to go to work. I'm just getting back to it. Monday will be my first 8 hour day in about two months time. Little scared of this, but yesterday we made ourselves a schedule.

    We should write something now maybe on the MPD? Like we said ... there are 20 of us. Let's see if I can remember them all ... Embry (died at birth), Dear Heart (birth - core part) Mimi (3 months), Crystal (8 months), Gracie (1 1/2 years), Marie (2 years – Internal Self Helper (ISH), Anna (2 1/2 years), Casey (4 years), KC (4 years), Anniemi (5 years), Henry (6 years), Lissa (7 years), Sarah (8 years), Corey (10 years), Jamie (11 years), Kelsey (12 years), Ann (14 years), Kate (16 years), Ayn (17 years), and Jessie (18 years). Next to each of the years is the approximate time everyone began their development.

    Hmm, that's about it for now ... Be taking care!

    Suicidal Ideation

    We wanted to say something of a caution here on suicidal ideation and acting out of those behaviors or other self destructive urges. First and foremost ... if you are dealing with these issues ... seek professional help now. This is a good place to start. They can help you if you are in a crisis.

    SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On—Let Someone Know Your Pain. You can call a Suicide Hotline Right Now. ...

    The next thing you should know is that we believe and have made commitments with our doctor to be hospitalized if we can't control these urges or desires. Usually, it's just a few of the parts of our system actually going through these ideations. But, it has to be safe for all of us, because we share the same body. If we can't get a hold of our doctor we have to be responsible to call the psychiatrist on call at our local emergency hospital.

    Last, I'm not a licensed psychologist. I can and will talk about the issues, but this is just from a lay person(s) point of view of someone who has experienced the trauma and has been enabled to see a few ideas past it. Know the emergency numbers of your support system! This is the most serious life giving decision you will ever make ... with the exception of choosing to have a baby. Make good choices.

    Our Interpretation of What Makes a Multiple

    Hmm, I'll try to summarize what we know here. Psychology is not an exact science. From our understanding most people develop Multiplicity due to sexual abuse (usually incest) before the age of four. Not all people who have been sexually abused develop Multiplicity. Some experts have said that it involves a certain amount of innate intelligence and creativity. If you've gone through the experience of early childhood sexual abuse and are not multiple, it doesn't mean you are not intelligent or creative. We are each unique and have special God given gifts and tribulations. 

    Another close cousin of Multiplicity or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as it is currently being called is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It's another problem on the same continuum. There is a lot of information on the Internet about these dissociative disorders. If you want more in-depth information, go ahead and look for it.

    Basically, we believe that our brain adapted to a terrible number of traumas and included sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse. When one part couldn't survive the force of a certain terrible condition, another more adaptable part would be created (new mind through a different pattern of brain synopses). The part facing the last trauma would then stagnate (or be bypassed) in age development, unless they had time out in the external world. There is a lot of sharing in our system.

    We are not always aware or conscious of when the parts are switching, though sometimes it is very noticeable. Dr. W. gave us an image that helps us a lot. Imagine a very large conference table and all who are interested and gathered there are parts of the multiple’s system.  They gather to discuss all that is important, but we are viewing you via teleconference; they see you on just one screen in front of their many. We each get different impressions of the things happening on screen depending on our particular points of view or reference point. The system tends to frown on parts that stand up and interrupt us or the other from speaking. Most people in the outside world see a united front that we present. Damn, we are just that good!

    The Nature of Our External Work

    We're back again. We were at work. I would like to tell you a little more about it. First, we work Mon-Sat for 8 hours each day. When you are in a social service field the rewards are great, but pay and amount of work are terrible. Nice time to sit and think ... hmm, maybe I could do something like this too?

    We had to have a BA in a likeminded field to do this work. Mine is in psychology. Officially, I'm called a QMRP (Qualified Mental Retardation Professional). I do many things from day to day; some of the work is assisting our administrator. I need to put in four hours each day working on our accreditation (CARF). This is a major job of trying to record agency happenings from having enough Band-Aids to Human rights and budgets. On average, for about 1 1/2 hours a day, I write Qnotes (monthly summaries of how clients are progressing). In the remaining 2 1/2 hours we do Annual meetings, take care of intake, attend a behavioral/rights meeting and Administration meeting, do groups with the clients on thinking, leadership, and relaxation, handle program development, and take care of client or staff issues (staff problems with clients) that come up on any given day.

    Pswhoo! Pretty much, huh? Today was a good day. I figured how to streamline those Qnotes down to 25% of the time ... and they're better! Damn! Oh by the way ... there are about 40 individuals (clients) at our center and 10 staff including the secretary. We are a day training center for adults with developmental disabilities. We'd like to think of ourselves as very efficient! Our Center is internationally ranked in the top 97th percentile of those of our kind. We're very proud of our contribution!

    Our 5 Minute Psychology Lesson

    Make it a goal to become independent. This is not to say others aren't important, but to really meet that healthy significant other(s), you have to be one with yourself. Kahil Gibran wrote that being married was like two separate pillars holding up the same arch. Part of being independent is to take on responsibilities. This is along the same path as having personal rights.

    Learn to make choices. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. Watch your behaviors. Choose positive. Make this a conscious process and you will find yourself empowered. Choose also to listen to others and ask questions of them. Reject what you don't need. Don't be afraid to be curious and choose to validate often.

    Know your God or higher power. People are fallible - we all make mistakes. Find a balance with your true nature ... live, love, and laugh. Learn to eat proper and exercise. Drink water.

    Learn to let go ... especially of things you no longer need. It means de-cluttering your life. The more you live in the present rather than the past or future, the clearer your thinking will be. Learn to collect information, analyze it, and then respond to it. This is all done in the present.

    And, the last thing Be nice to you. Make it a point to do this every day. When you do something good or very good, let your mind hear it. Be tolerant of your faults and those of others. Acknowledge your own mistakes, then choose to change them by leaving an alternative better path for those brain synopsis' of yours to follow until they become a habit. Let go of the guilt and frustrations of having not been perfect. 

    Lincoln once said, If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Don't miss out on helping the next guy, but, always take care of your needs first. Don't wait and hope someone will know how to best take care of you, or expect someone to prove their love. Be independent.

    Mission Statement - Values

    We believe that every individual and family (like their business counterparts) should create for themselves a mission statement. It seems that if everyone knew what to focus their decisions on, their life would be much more purposeful and cohesive. We find the same thing especially true in our MP world. Each of our able parts has helped to create a statement that we could all stand by; the statement exemplifies our combined values.

    Each individual's mission statement should be unique to the values they most respect and honor. It helped us to start each sentence with the words, I will ... If you need a list of values to help you get started ... this one will do. HumanityQuest.com: Home Page for 500+ Human Values. We as a system have a very bad memory, so we use computer post-it notes to stick the mission statement (and other reminders) where we will all see them most often. You can get them free from the company by choosing lite from their selection." Post-it® Software Notes: Overview

    I will include our mission statement, but please use it for just an example. It will mean much more to you, if you find your own direction! And, don't forget to edit and update as your values change. Hehehe There was a time we valued just clean diapers. But now days as a Grandma we know we have much fewer concerns. And, keep the statement short and workable!  This is ours:

    I will respect myself by being honest with my thoughts and feelings. I will love myself, my God, my family, my friends, and people I meet along my path. I will honor my freedom and independence and cherish my right to make choices. I will strive to be capable. I will be responsible for happiness, and I will share whatever wisdom I learn in offering help to others.

    Our Son Jacob (and Aldan)

    I've had just the best kind of day. Started on the computer with coffee of course, then I IM'd with my best friend Forest Path. We resolved some differences. *Sigh* 

    Anyway ... we got to meet up with our youngest son Jacob and one of his best friends Aldan. We had just the best time. Jacob and Aldan are starting college classes tomorrow and both live on campus about an hour away from home. Jacob has done grown up! He's a sophomore this year. We helped them with transportation so they could pick up the SUV our middle son Tanner is letting them use. But, I heard Tanner say firmly, First time I find out there is drinking and driving ... all privileges immediately yanked! Very serious stuff! Jacob doesn't drink at all, but maybe his friend is still learning? Sorry Aldan ... you deserve to take some grief here. We also went out for a wonderful lunch.

    Jacob is such a love and a very interesting person! He is a free thinker and works hard at the values that are important to him. This goes for everything he does. One of the things we talked about was his and Aldan's college cheerleading (they met in high school gymnastics). We also got to talk between us about new theories and philosophies. And, in between this, Jacob and Aldan talked excitedly about starting a new school year and what was happening already. Jacob even let me see his room. Very huge! I couldn't be more proud of the two of them.

    Hmm can I write just one more Jacob story? When Jacob was about 2 years old, he got out of the house with the keys. The older brothers Macadam and Tanner ran up the stairs to tell me he'd started the car. Actually he had keys in the ignition, but had only knocked the gears so it rolled a few feet into our other car. We sent him to his room for a time out. Next, an hour later, we found him out on the porch roof. We were in tears, scared and shaking. I kept asking, Why? Jacob answered calmly. At two years of age he said, I got a [s]noopy min[d].

    Self Therapy

    I was concerned after looking at many journals. There is an abundance of emotion. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, go to the Self-Therapy Training Program.

    I’m curious about myself. I’m curious about my mental health knowledge. I’m a therapist or other helping professional. I want to improve and I am willing work on myself for a while. I may be depressed. I am often scared or anxious. I often feel ashamed. I often feel futile or hopeless. I want to learn about child abuse. I want to learn about addictions. I want help with a love relationship. I want help socially with all relationships. I want help with children, or help with family problems.

    Corey's Summary of a MP Day (1)

    Yesterday was a positive day. We woke up and were on the computer plus had our coffee, and then we had an 8 am appointment with Dr. M., then went to work, then came home and had dinner and social time with Forest Path, and then afterward had a few hours to be on the computer before we went to bed.

    We talked to Dr. M about quite a few things that happened over the weekend and our readiness to go back to work. One of the outcomes of the meeting was that we're going to include something every meeting about our internal host Dear Heart. Dr. M suggested that she is probably pretty angry and depressed.

    At work, we set up our schedule on the computer program Lotus Organizer which is an excellent program. Forest Path came later in the day and looked over our new Qnote and made a couple real good suggestions. Unfortunately, we only got one done, not two and we never got to CARF. Initiating new formats takes time and patience, plus we had trouble with starting work when we first came in.

    We had just a half Subway sandwich with Forest Path (both on diets), then we talked and had time to relax. The main parts that were out were Ann, Kelsie, and Lissa. Ann is the social one that usually eats dinner with Forest Path and talks over the time since we last saw each other. Kelsie had a little trouble because she spends so little free time with Forest Path that she was being very shy. Lissa on the other hand adores Forest Path. She doesn't speak, but is very receptive to giving him a lot of positive attention. Oh, Kasey and KC sneak out at the end for good bye kisses on top of head. :)

    Then back to computer and bed by 10 pm. By the way, I'm Corey. I do a lot of writing, but not all. Jamie, Kelsie, Kate, Ayn, and Jessie do a fair amount too. They also like to edit my work, but then many of us help out with that. That's about it!

    The Boot

    Today seemed to be going along pretty good. I went to the pool at 5:30 am, was at work at 7:30 am, only took a half hour organizing and taking care of personal matters, and then started to work on the 3 Qnotes I'd scheduled for the morning. I love the format and was feeling pretty accomplished.

    About 10 am, Sr. Tess came in with news she didn't think I was going to like. Apparently, a client's mother had called on her cell phone to say the Department of Revenue was putting a boot on my car! I tried not to panic. Sr. Tess was way ahead of me. Whenever there is this kind of crisis, the answer is to call Forest Path.

    You know ... I know I had to pay some fees ($230 all told), but it really wasn't bad. The Department was close to work, I got to see Forest Path in the middle of the morning, we had a nice lady at the counter, and I even had the money in my bank account. We started off real nervous because we were feeling like a criminal, but we had to sit and wait for the officer to call us in order, so we had plenty of chance to see lots of people coming in for the same thing. Most of them seemed for the most part like law abiding citizens. I felt empathy for them.

    Guess the thing I'm feeling now is maybe the satisfaction of being a little more responsible. I had 3 tickets because I didn't change my address on the license so the city sticker didn't match, but I'd paid one off so I thought I wouldn't get booted. But, I guess after your in the system you have to pay them ALL. I had been trying to beat the system.

    Later I came back and ate a quick lunch, then started on my CARF flowchart and since Forest Path was there, he gave me a few ideas. The chart has 55 icons all connected with nifty little arrows. I was pretty proud of it actually. Maybe it HAS been a good day? Besides, I'm now safely home and happily sitting at my computer. Not so bad at all for a first full day back to work.

    Weight and Being an Athlete

    We've been swimming at the YMCA pool now for about 2 months. One of the best ways to spend a couple hundred dollars we've ever known. I should explain that we have been in pretty bad shape. Why we are so heavy will be explained at another time, but needless to say, we started diet and exercise in May at 295.5 pounds. I know it’s pretty bad. It is part of the reason that we were diagnosed with diabetes at that time and have so much trouble with arthritis in our back. 5 years ago, we were 140. We'd like to stay positive though, so we'll mention again that we've lost now 22.3 pounds. It's a start.

    Our Jamie has always been in charge of our athletic frame of mind and Henry our will. But, she and Henry are working at getting other parts in the pool. We started with volleyball in 10th grade and continued it through sophomore year at college. Then we added cross country skiing in 11th grade. We were the co-captain of the girls’ team for both years. Our last college event was skiing in the Birkebeiner. We also played softball in the 11th grade and were the captain of that.

    The most important thing it seems at this point ... is getting out of the door. The swimming pool at the Y is divided into 7 aisles. The water temperature is perfect. It's wonderful getting there before the crowds. Really a lot of our swimming right now is trying to walk fast in the water. We do that for about 2/3's of the way. Then we swim on our front 3-4 laps and on our back 13-14 laps. Once we're in the water ... we are in heaven. We're neither too big nor too unhealthy. Most the time we are very forward centered and there is not much pausing. We're encouraged by the other athletes. We try to concentrate on just keeping the counts straight and moving swiftly.

    The only other thing I'd like to say at this point is that, if you are unhappy about your weight ... get out and try something. The old saying holds true. If I can do it, so can you! Athleticism is a frame of mind(s) mixed with a healthy desire.

    Corey's Summary of a MP Day (2)

    The swimming laps were hard for us. *Grin* Jamie had tried to coax Kelsie into a relaxing swim, but we'd forgotten to take our medicine which meant Kelsie didn't settle down until about 10 am. Although Kelsie is high maintenance, she's damn discerning in a quirky genius manner!

    At 10 the other Q came in our office and seemed to be doing sabotage. Ann caught the brunt of that effort. Ann is getting a lot of compliments tonight! She is an adult part who used to be less able to handle forceful people. This time she didn't take the guilt trip nor accept all the confusion the co-worker had put the work through. We figure the co-worker is forceful and is trying to make an issue of ALL that she did for us and the center during our 2 month absence. But, this was a case of the co-worker avoiding REAL responsibility. 

    Kate came out next with our anger. The co-worker had created chaos with the work and had seemed to be overwhelming our system. Kate's not timid and gives us our signature sense of structure and order. She typed up a fairly diplomatic notice to Sr. Tess of what was left undone and askew of the work. She reestablished Sr. Tess' authority in prioritizing our work. And, then she set a precedent not to put-up with this co-worker’s many disruptions. 

    Sr. Tess had come by, listened and accepted the notice. She smiled and responsibly said, Relax ... I've got it. Have we written about how important it is to really feel this kind of support? Man, if you’re not getting it ... ask! And, the thing is? We trusted our boss and did as she directed. Just went back to working more productively than ever. Jamie reworked a client goal that the DSP (Direct Support Person) did wrong, and then she did some amazing calculations that helped me write 4 more Qnotes.

    Yep, yep ... turned out to be a pretty good day!

    Being Obsessive and Vigilant

    About 4 minutes after we left Dr. M's office this afternoon, the word vigilant came into our brain. The first thought was the wish to go back to the office to discuss it with Dr. M. But we knew the session had ended for this week. During the meeting we had concentrated only on the word, obsessive. We used it to describe how we have been behaving while back to work full time this week, especially in regard to our writing both at home and work.

    The vigilant part of our week has been watching for signs of our core part, Dear Heart. Last time we experienced her, she was angry/depressed.

    Dr. M. suggested that maybe our repetitive behavior is a safe way for us to keep from going somewhere that is scarier to us. Hmm, we were scared even to leave Dr. M's office though we've done this hundreds of times. Now we wonder ... were we feeling Dear Heart's feelings? Or, was it one of our parts?

    Dr. M. said that the cores of most Multiples are usually very well hid from not only the external world, but our internal world as well. The core originally had to find safety not only from horrendous abuses, but most likely from the confusion caused by having parts.

    We've stressed often since the hospitalization a strong urgent feeling of needing more safety and structure. How does this tie in?

    I suppose the next thing might be to risk feeling a little more? And, we need to decide too if the feelings we are experiencing are real or unreal before we can even venture to guess whose feelings they are. I could say I'm afraid of our abusers, but our abusers are mostly dead or far from here, so fear today would be an unreal feeling. A real fear would be more like ... while driving, the fear of being tired.

    Damn, this is tricky stuff.

    A Little of us we’d like to Share

    We're a little hesitant about adding our picture. We have fears of not being good enough, or that someone could invalidate or judge us as not being important. But, that self embarrassment would be an unreal fear now for us to be having, wouldn't it? Just something we're imagining? In reality, the people who come to know and love us have never conveyed anything like this.

    Hmm, maybe to say the fear is unreal is a little inaccurate. I certainly am feeling something. Are our current feelings based on or are justifiable with us being here today in the present?

    I've heard that reality is something you can know through your senses. Like I don't think often about my keyboard, but it is very real to my touch. Ack! Would it then be real if I were at work thinking of my home computer? Theoretical thoughts on reality have always confused us. We are feeling unsure again.

    *Sigh* Maybe a more simple set of thoughts is in order. We really are serious in this desire. We want to share space with those who care about their (and our) thoughts and feelings. And, we've appreciated finding pictures in some of the other journal sites we've stopped by to see. 

    Oh yeah, I'm being reminded by Casey now that we have got a hair cut since this picture. Casey then asked for reassurance, We're special too? Oh dear. Persistent questions this morning. Yes dear, very special. KC then asks, Is it ok to be alive? Yes dear very ok, we're trying. We love to fix things ... many of us still feel the need to ask this permission. Abuse can really mess with one's mind(s). Maybe soon some more lessons on self worth and self esteem... Need to next feel less confusion. Little ones ... we love you! It'll be ok!"

    Our Favorite Poet ... He Helps Us Feel at Peace

    Kahil Gibran from the Prophet said, Say not, I have found the truth, but rather, I have found a truth. Say not, I have found the path of the soul. Say rather, I have met the soul walking upon my path, for the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals."

    We've been thinking some since we last copied down Gibran's poem - mostly about the soul. The most we've ever really done with that thought was to think it would go up and not be eaten by worms. We looked it up in the dictionary and we started an Internet search. We didn't have enough time to go into it very far and what we found wasn't in the direction we were flowing.

    What has passed through our mind(s), and we'll explore a little bit more especially with Dr. M, is that maybe what makes a core different from the parts is that she is the only one of us that has a soul.

    We asked Dr. W., but he said, I really don't know. Some would agree that the soul lies deep in the self, but these kinds of thoughts left things too open and airy for us.

    Hmm, here's an interpretation... 

    The spiritual, rational, and immortal part in man; that part of man which enables him to think, and which renders him a subject of moral government, sometimes, in distinction from the higher nature, or spirit, of man, the so-called animal soul, that is, the seat of life, the sensitive affections and fantasy, exclusive of the voluntary and rational powers.

    Oh dear, that was confusing. It's just that ... It would seem that every individual would get a soul at birth. It doesn't seem right to say that we've got 20 of them. There is too much sharing of interpersonal resources. And, we seem always to be moving along the same general path. We have different ideas of what it looks or feels like, but maybe just maybe Dear Heart's soul is guiding us?

    Searching the Web

    It started innocently enough, but by now a whole day has gone by and we're just a fraction closer.  

    Most of the time was looking through other Multiples' journals and web sites to see what was going on. One of the sites we came across was Astraea's. He’s like an online Multiples' activist fighting for rights and much more. We had known of him at least as early as 1997, but we've been out of mainstream Multiplicity for quite a while. There are now things called otherkins, medians, and plurals. You'll have to search that all though on your own.

    Many Multiples not only don't believe that Multiplicity is a disorder; they also have been disenfranchised with a lot of the therapeutic community - too much bad blood on the concept

    Enjoying the preview?
    Page 1 of 1