Rattled: What He's Thinking When You're Pregnant
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About this ebook
When it comes to his feelings, not every new dad is willing to come clean with his pregnant wife. And not every expecting mother should expect her husband to know just how she feels. Baby Brain (for Her) is an insightful, humorous guide to understanding your husband's feelings so you can encourage him to become more involved in your journey of parenthood. Navigate the nine months in his head with topics that include:
How your husband really feels about his job and family finances
What he needs from you emotionally, mentally, and intimately
Why his me"" time, ""man cave,"" and buddies are important
How to help define his role and responsibilites throughout the pregnancy
""Read more from Hogan Hilling
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Rattled - Hogan Hilling
Introduction
For the last twenty-five years, there has been a call for new dads to be more sensitive and share their feelings about the pregnancy and their child. Most new dads have not answered the call. At the same time, new moms have continued to share their frustration about their husband's unwillingness to share his feelings. Many experts have offered their theories as to why a new dad won't wear his heart on his sleeve, from genetics to the biology of the male brain, to the way men are raised as boys to the male-female language barrier, and to men just being men. But why this is so is no longer as important as finding a way to break down this great emotional divide between new dads and moms. I wrote this book to help a new mom get in touch with what a new dad is feeling and bridge the communication gap.
I place emphasis on get in touch because new dads have heard these three words all too often. The truth is that as much as new moms have wanted new dads to get in touch with their feelings, new moms have been out of touch with their husbands' feelings. An exercise I conducted in my workshops for new moms supports my conclusion.
I asked the following question to a group of moms in their last trimester of the pregnancy: How many of you expect your husband to read a book about motherhood or pregnancy so he can better understand what you are experiencing as a new mom?
All the moms raised their hands.
How many of you have read a book on fatherhood to better understand what your husband may be experiencing as a new dad?
(I did not count a book on pregnancy that briefly covered a father's perspective or had one chapter about dads.)
Most of the moms did not raise their hands. And I've yet to have more than three moms raise their hands in response to this question at any of my workshops.
The information in this book is based on my personal experiences as a dad, interaction with a melting pot of dads I've had the pleasure of meeting and networking with since 1992, and workshops I've conducted for moms over the past fifteen years.
My debut as a dad began in 1987 after my wife, Tina, announced her pregnancy. In 1992 I cofounded the Fathers Network of Orange County, a support group for fathers of children with special needs. Two years later, I was hired as a consultant and instructor for Boot Camp for New Dads (BCND) in Irvine, California. Today, BCND is a nationally recognized program that provides classes for expectant dads in hospitals across the U.S. In 2002, I founded Proud Dads, Inc., a consulting firm to improve support services for dads.
What I have learned through my experience is that most new dads want to honestly share their feelings with their wives. But what prevents a new dad from doing so is fear. Fear of the response he will receive from other people, especially his wife. Fear people will question his masculinity. Fear he will not be evaluated with the same courtesy and compassion afforded to a new mom. Let's use a typical childhood experience as an example. If a girl shares her feelings with a tear in her eye, she is met with a hug. If a boy does the same, he is ridiculed and told to suck it up. By the time the boy becomes a man, he has learned to suppress his feelings. If a new dad does find the courage to speak up, he is again ridiculed and receives no sympathy, nor are his sentiments given any credibility.
After I told my wife how much I was struggling with the pregnancy and being a new dad, she got angry with me. She told me that I had it easy because she was carrying the baby and that I had no idea what hard was. This is not the response I was hoping to get from my wife.
Every time I honestly shared how I felt about being a new dad with my wife, she showed no sympathy or turned our conversation into an argument. Eventually, I stopped telling her how I really felt.
It's really hard to keep how you feel bottled up inside. And even harder to live with a wife who you can't turn to for support and comfort.
I honestly shared how I felt about an important issue with my wife. But it didn't sit well with her. I was in the doghouse for a week.
Also standing in the way of a new dad sharing his feelings is the misconception he doesn't know how or doesn't have any desire to share his emotions with his wife. The truth is he does know how and wants to get what's ailing him off his chest. One of the biggest surprises I discovered in my expectant dad workshops is that most of the dads shared intimate details of how they felt with me and the other guys (who they'd just met for the first time) that they had never discussed with their wives. This was a real eye-opener and motivated me to continue my work as an advocate for fatherhood.
I'm sure you've heard the adage Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
Well, if you want your husband to share how he feels, then you have to be prepared to not only accept his answer but also give it the credibility it deserves and show him some sympathy. And if you really want to know how a new dad feels, then this book is for you. Here is how Rattled can help.
The information I provide will eliminate the guessing game a new mom usually has to play to get to the root of what is bothering her husband and any issue he may be struggling to overcome. If a new mom knows the emotions her husband is dealing with, finding the solution to whatever he is struggling with will be easier for her to work out with him. In this book, some things a new mom will learn about include how a new dad feels about being left out and isolated, his struggle to bond with the baby, resentment towards the baby, his fears about being a new dad, guilt, finances, being in the delivery room, and his mortality.
As you read this book, keep in mind that a new dad will experience some or all of the issues I listed to some degree. Some dads will accept and acknowledge them. Many dads will not. For a new dad to deny that he has any concerns or issues is not healthy. Whether he admits them or not, what is important is that you have a greater understanding of how a new dad may feel and the issues that might be of concern to him.
Once a new dad shares how he feels, don't take it literally or personally. Remember, it isn't about how he shares his feelings but rather what he is feeling. If you can stay focused on the latter, you'll make more progress in encouraging your husband to become more transparent about how he feels.
All a new dad wants is for his voice to be heard and acknowledged. Just because he disagrees with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Nor does it mean that you're correct and he is wrong. A new mom and dad by the very nature of their genders view the world of parenthood differently. Neither view is right or wrong, just different. And just because a mom and dad parent differently doesn't mean they can't parent together. A good way to approach parenthood is to view parenting as two people (a mom and dad) sharing one role and not two people sharing two roles.
Also be aware that many dads will struggle with their transition into fatherhood. Some dads will figure out how to navigate through the daddy track on their own while others will struggle and feel lost. Use the information in this book to help give your husband the nurturing nudge and encouragement he needs to become the best husband and dad he can for his new family.
Before you turn the next page, I'd like you to step out of your mommy shoes, put them in the closet, and step into your husband's shoes until you finish reading the rest of the book. Although you'll never know what it's really like to be a dad, I believe this book will help you accept how it feels to be one.
1
I still want to be your main squeeze
Do you remember the day you fell in love with your husband? Most women do. You also probably remember what he and you were wearing. It was a special day for both of you, and the beginning of your life together as a couple.
Then he proposed to you. You said yes.
Do you remember why your husband married you?
Do you remember why you married your husband?
I think it was so that each of you could be the number one person in the other's life, for better or worse, until death do you part—not till baby do you part. As husband and wife, you were his main squeeze and he was your main squeeze. No other woman could have him. And no other man could have you. Your marriage is and should be the most important thing in the world. Without the commitment to place each other first before any other person, there is no marriage.
Then one day your life changes again for the better. You and your husband decide to have a baby. Becoming a mother and father and starting a family was one of the many dreams you strived to create and have shared with each other. Now that you're pregnant, the dream is about to come true. You're going to have a baby. Or are you?
You're probably thinking, What a silly question! Of course I'm going to have a baby.
Yes ... and no.
Yes, you're pregnant, but with an unborn fetus. The fetus is not technically defined