Falling For Love

A challenge to Incurable Romantics and Soul Mate Seekers

If you have ever wondered why some seemingly great romances (of famous people, or very ordinary folk, or indeed your own) end up falling apart at the seams, and what seemed like the promise of a great and enduring love turns into a wounded, conflict-ridden separation or divorce, this book should help explain why.

Falling for Love suggests that when we get involved in romantic love, we are like people watching a performance of a magic trick, or grand illusion. Things appear to happen magically, because the real cause of what we see as happening is hidden somewhere, out of view. If we could see the real, hidden cause, the magic would disappear. The magic of romantic love is based, I suggest, on hidden psychodynamic processes in us.

For the romantic lovers, all the problems of life currently seem solved. But others, older and wiser perhaps, know that the real issues of relationships will arise and have to be faced eventually. Society generally, and expert relationship psychotherapists know this only too well. Yet both society and the experts fail to ascribe anything problematic to the romantic phase itself. They welcome and delight in lovers, and wait in the wings for the hidden problems to reveal themselves later.

This book adds a perspective which I believe is unique in any literature about romantic love. It validates the popular views about what is hidden by romantic bliss and what will appear later. But crucially, it suggests we need to look at the problems already inherent in the romantic period of extreme bliss.

It suggests to lovers:

Falling in love? Perhaps you need to consider the following. . .

The suggestion is that there are a variety of fantasy elements active when we fall in love, and that it is worth being aware of them, and thus of the potential illusions they create in us. In this way, we can move toward becoming less regressed, more mature and authentic lovers, loving each other as real persons, not as fantasies of perfection we create in our imaginations about our partners. This, then, is not a book which is cynical about love, but one which attempts to inspire us toward a more true, a more authentic way of being in love.

A further feature of this book is its stress on the importance (not to mention the value) of dealing with conflict creatively. Conflict, it suggests, is an opportunity for intimacy.

And riding on that same theme, I discuss how being judgemental is one of the biggest contributors to maintaining and not resolving conflict. And I discuss its destructive effect on intimate relationships and relationships generally.

A look into the illusions arising in romance

TWO SAMPLE EXTRACTS FROM THE BOOK

1

Hence the fairy tales, which start off with a once upon a time and end up with a happily ever after. The story period itself is fraught with many scary or painful challenges, but it ends up in a totally happy state, which lives forever now. An elusive obviousness about these romantic fairy tales: The scary challenges, you might notice, are almost inevitably external to the star-struck lovers —their love is depicted as pure and holy, with no mixed feelings or uncertainty about their very true love for each other, and it is only the world, circumstances, and folk outside of them which are trying to prevent them from being together.

If only this were true!

For it is precisely in the they lived happily ever after period that their ambivalence for each other will rise. The period when they settle down in the suburbs after their wild and wonderful and successful adventures in the romantic tale —their incredible bond from having a common enemy, i.e. the world. Therefore, in order to keep up the illusion of such non-ambivalent, perfect love and desire, romantic fairy tales cut off the story line before such an unwanted occurrence as ambivalence can even occur. The couple in the romantic story can only love each other as long as there is an external obstacle to their love. Once they have to settle down and actually live together, the problem of how to create day-to-day life and loveliness and delight becomes a different story entirely. That is precisely where the story of the challenges of real relationships begins!

2

A SENSE OF BOUNDARY-LESS-NESS

We are One

Accompanying dependence and narcissism in romantic lovers is a sense of no-boundary between thee and me: I don’t know where I end and you begin, where you begin and I end. We are one. We are merged, in bliss.

Similarly, for the early infant, there is no sense of a boundary separating it and mother, and it and the world. At any rate, for the baby, mother just about is the whole world. It begins right in the womb, though. For the infant, there is no sense of "me and mother. We are One. In fact, it does not even make sense to describe us as Us" — there is no Us. Everything that is in my whole young world is simply one quagmire of sensations and I experience no boundary between myself and mother, who, for all intents and purposes now, is the whole world. There is only One.

The main point to be made here is that sometimes romantic lovers also speak of this I don’t know where he/she ends and I begin. They speak of being merged and they speak of not knowing quite who is doing what to whom. That is, they cannot localize cause and effect for the incredible bliss they feel as bliss bunnies.

Of course, when the infant feels good, the real reason is mainly because it has been well nurtured all round. But it is possible for the infant to have painful, inner growth pains not caused by a lack of nurturing. Whether the infant’s pain or pleasure is generated from itself or from mother, it is all experienced as one. So when I feel displeasure, for whatever cause, (myself or mother), it is both myself and the world which is in a bad, displeasurable state.

But the myself and the world are not differentiated into two disparate things. There is no world that exists outside of my inner state. And this inner state is projected outside of my skin upon the world ... which is basically mother. Also, there is no inner state that does not speak of the state of the world. When there is happiness, there is happiness all round. When there is pain, then all the world, me, and mother are in pain, although of course the infant does not distinguish between the three things.

Now the point is that with adult romantics, this infantile state seems to be mimicked, recreated (which effectively means regressed to) in a Pollyanna state of bliss — having the feeling that because I feel wonderful, the whole world seems wonderful. I am happy, so the whole world seems a happy place. Similarly, sad and depressed people usually see the whole world of other people as sad and depressed.

But the world has not changed, and for others there is still joy, peace, happiness, gratitude, a sense of achievement and so on. And for others still, in spite of what Polyanna feels, there is struggle, depression, anxiety, perhaps jealousy of those who are flying in love...

(back to Table of Contents)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This is a book with a fair smattering of ideas about what makes up true love and how we are easily fooled by love’s illusions. Whether you understand all the ideas or not, I would like to think there are a few really useful sentences on the nature of love here which could be valuable for anyone.

I feel that it certainly would be enjoyed by those who like thinking deeply about things, who are geared to trying to apply difficult concepts to their own personal experiences in all the delights of love, as well as to its disappointments. I think students of psychology might have some benefit from some of the concepts used here.

It is certainly not cynical about love, but encourages us to aspire to a deeper, truer love than the illusory, romantic true love.

It is certainly this author’s wish that you will keep this book on your digital shelf and re-read it a few times over a lifetime. I don’t believe the ideas expressed here will ever become dated. Because of our on-going life experience of love, and also because of our (hopefully) greater openness to new ideas as we get older and realize how little we really knew, I believe you will get different aspects of it at different ages of your life. Different light bulbs will be lit in the inner room of your life experience at different stages of your life. We could all, and should all become better at being loving and at being lovers as we grow up and older. Knowing now what we wish we had known then makes us potentially wiser in our loving.

I also hope that you will read it slowly, and thoughtfully. And you are welcome to send me any comments about areas where you think I am mistaken. I inevitably have blind spots of my own. Please share with me any experiences you might want to share, relative to the ideas expressed here.

Nevertheless, my hope is that the unique value of this book is seen and appreciated — because I don’t really know of another that has dedicated itself to putting such big question marks on the very blissful and delightful experience of falling in (sorry, for) love. I have suggested herein that we should pause thoughtfully before welcoming lovers, and be prepared to put a question mark on their fabulous happiness. On the other hand, perhaps we should indeed welcome lovers, as suggested by the hit song As Time Goes By (from the movie Casablanca). But not as two people who have reached the final stage of the long journey to love. Rather, we should honour them, (and indeed ourselves if it is us), for beginning a great journey of exploration, both into our partners and also into some of the deeper, challenged and challenging parts of ourselves. All who enter into a relationship take a brave leap into an adventure and a quest, and we should honour all as heroes.

Thanks for reading. I wish you Love and Truth, Authenticity and Personal Growth!

Aron Gersh, M.A.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

BLURB — WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT

TWO SAMPLE EXTRACTS FROM THE BOOK

AUTHOR’S NOTE

INTRODUCTION - TRUE LOVE AND ROMANTIC LOVE

SECTION I - WHAT EMERGES AFTER THE ROMANTIC PHASE?

CHAPTER 1 - The discovery of mixed feelings

CHAPTER 2 - The Child and the Adult within Us

CHAPTER 3 - Childlike Perfect Harmony —The Romantic quadrant

CHAPTER 4 - About the Child, Adult, and Parent in All of Us

CHAPTER 5 - Conflict

SECTION II - THE ILLUSIONS WITHIN THE ROMANTIC PHASE

CHAPTER 6 - What we are Blind to in the Romantic Phase of Love

CHAPTER 7 - Everything Is About Relationship

CHAPTER 8 - 7 Elements Of Regression

CHAPTER 9 - The First Element of Regression Narcissism

CHAPTER 10 - The Second Element of Regression Dependence

CHAPTER 11 - The Third Element of Regression A Sense of Boundary-less-ness

CHAPTER 12 - The Fourth Element of Regression Overcoming Ambivalence

CHAPTER 13 - The Fifth and Sixth Elements of Regression The Magic of Instant Recognition of Special Uniqueness

CHAPTER 14 - The Seventh Element of Regression Love At First Sight

CHAPTER 15 - Limitations of the childlike and the childish

CHAPTER 16 - The Eighth Element of Regression Judgementalism

SECTION III - WHAT IS REAL LOVE?

CHAPTER 17 - Loving In All Quadrants

CHAPTER 18 - Overcoming The Elements Of Regression

CHAPTER 19 - The Other Elements Of Regression

CHAPTER 20 - The Soul Of Relationships

SECTION IV - CONCLUDING CHAPTER

CHAPTER 21 - Love As Desire And Love As Support

BOXES

ABOUT THE 4 QUARTERS

SUCCESSFUL COUPLES, LIKE UNSUCCESFUL ONES, FIGHT CONSISTENTLY

UNDERSTANDING HOW EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP

HOMOPHOBIC MEN ARE HOMOSEXUAL THEMSELVES

IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU? AN ILLUSTRATIVE EXAMPLE

I MUST PUT MY BROTHER DOWN

EXTRACT FROM THOMAS MOORE’S SOUL MATES

JAMES HOLLIS: 3 IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE

AFTER MATTERS

BIBLIOGRAPHY

FOOTNOTES

THANKS TO

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

OTHER BOOKS BY THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION

The bursting of the romantic bubble

True Love and Romantic Love

true intimacy or illusion?

Great romances often turn out to be beautiful, colourful bubbles which burst, leaving only teardrops behind, with nothing left of the sparkling, multi-coloured, rounded whole form that had appeared at first. This happens not only with famous movie stars, but also with the most ordinary of us. How can it be that what looks so much like high-flying, deep-penetrating true love can dissolve so quickly, leaving either nothing in its place, or perhaps painful alienation and anger. This book attempts an explanation, based on deep psychological principles, of this, and generally of some of the illusions which happen in love.

It has been suggested that the word intimacy carries the idea into-me, see within it. Such real love means that the one who loves me sees into me, in such a special unique way that most others fail to do. Indeed, we can call the discovery of true love the finding of someone who either uniquely sees things in us that others don’t see, or who uniquely values things in us that everyone sees, but not everyone values. (We will not even mention those who, seeing clearly into us, use this knowledge for their own sociopathic gain, or to deprecate us, invalidate us, put us down!)

Such unique seeing into, or special valuing, of the qualities in us which most people fail to see or value in us can certainly not be denied as carrying the qualities of true love or true romance with it. Often romantic love consists of either seeing, or certainly valuing and appreciating things in us which others fail to see or value.

The trouble is that such accurate unique perception and love of a newly discovered partner sees only a small portion of their whole being, of who they really are, as persons. It takes time, and many different contexts, for people to unfold to us, for us to know each other well. We simply cannot download the whole file of who we are in one go. We show different sides of ourselves in different situations, reveal new facets of ourselves over time. And this means that the romantic phase of a relationship inherently implies a limited knowledge — a limited presentation of whom we ourselves are, and a limited knowing of the person we are so enamoured with. It is almost inevitably an idealised version of our partner, stripped of their perceived flaws, which we shall discover only later.

The least we could do is realise this limitation, realise that it takes time to know a person, and that the most ideal situations of partner-seeking are those where we can get to know people slowly over time. In communities where people meet regularly this is easily possible. But in the buzzing city life of solitary individuals, the least we can do is to realise the limitations of what we see in the person we are interested in, and patiently get to know each other over time and in as many diverse situations as possible.

Generally, however, we are blind, inherently oblivious to much of our new partner’s nature, parts which will reveal themselves in time, and will change the way we see our previously idealised partners.

Most of this is popularly known. Older and wiser folk, or those who are more experienced in love, or who have perhaps been hurt by love, know that when they see new romantic lovers in their Bliss Bunny phase, that one day soon these will have to face something called reality, and that the beautiful romantic phase will be over. Some in society advise: Don’t make big decisions in the romantic phase! But the vast majority seem not to want to disturb the seemingly sacred space of what is presented as true love. After all, what if this is the real thing, if here, for once, the bubble might not burst!

I am hoping to contribute to the narrative about what we are blind to when we fail to see certain things during the romantic phase of our relationship — to refine some of the dimensions of this popular view. For instance, I will suggest that when the romantic bubble bursts, it is not reality which we wake up to, but partly to another illusion. The illusion moves from a total ability to relate harmoniously and blissfully to our partner to an illusion of our total inability to get on with each other.

But the deeper, and more unique aspect of this book adds another perspective completely. It suggests that already within the romantic phase, with all its bliss, rather than after and beyond it, when problems arise, there are some inherent blind spots, where we fail to see completely the different types of illusions of love. This is to say that even within the romantic phase, there are some serious problems. This approach is very different to the popular approach. In the popular approach to the problems of love, the romantic phase, the beautiful blissful bonds which lovers express publicly, are treated as delightful, sacred, wonderful, not as inherently, and potentially problematic. The world will always welcome lovers, as time goes by says the famous song from the movie classic Casablanca. Sorry, but this book is a killjoy to that stance! It suggests that we "press the pause button" before we welcome lovers.

All the same, this is not a book that is at all cynical about love. Rather, it beckons us to look at the many illusions that love can create, and to move us towards a more real, more authentic, and ultimately more rewarding concept of what real love actually is. We can welcome new lovers tentatively, knowing that their love might either blossom and grow, or fall apart completely. And, if we are new lovers ourselves, to hold that current experience tentatively, as potential for a fuller, more whole love, in time, and perhaps forever, with this partner.

ROMANTIC LOVE – THE MAGICAL ILLUSION

I like the word illusion to express this misperception that mostly happens in romantic love. It is like the tricks shown to us by magicians, where the magic is created and experienced because we can’t see what is really going on in the background. We can’t see what is currently hidden. Thus we can’t see the real cause behind what we are seeing. If we knew how the trick was done, the magic would disappear!

The same applies to romantic love. What is hidden allows the illusion, the magic, to be experienced.

It will not take special skills to discover later in our relationship what was currently hidden during the romantic phase, the early phase of total love and delight. Conflict will arise. Differences will reveal themselves and surprise us. Doubts, or even alienation and withdrawal of love, shrinking back, will occur.

But it will take special knowledge, special skill, to see that the magic is a trick, that what seems to be happening is not quite what is really happening. That is to say, it takes special knowledge to understand the problems already inherent in the romantic phase, when all seems blissful and unproblematic. These are deeper issues, harder to see, related to all this joy and sense of beautiful bonding, and it is the main task of this book to provide some insight into those unconscious psychological processes.

In both cases, when we see what is hidden, the magic will tend to disappear. In the first case, what later arises spontaneously will easily accomplish the disappearance of the magic. In the second case, if we realize some of what is really happening during the romantic phase, we might be less certain that the magic is real, and thus will be able to hold it tentatively in view, and wait and learn just what the trick is here that is fooling us. We will then have learnt a valuable lesson about ourselves, about our partners, and about romantic love generally.

I will suggest we will need to create a different type of magic in a different way, if we are to love truly, really, as mature adults, rather than as playful children in fantasyland. We need to learn not just to find love, but to make love — to create it, in those areas where it might not at first spontaneously exist. Oh, finding love is okay too, but we have to be sure we are finding the real thing, not something that seems to be real solid love but later turns out not to be so. Promises by false or unconscious lovers are easily made; often they are not so easily kept. For true love we need to be sure to find the real other, the true nature of the object of our love.

ROMANTIC LOVE — THE GREAT PLEASURABLE OVER-REACTION

Another way of viewing romantic love is as a great over-reaction.

Strong emotional reactions to something said or done might be very appropriate, valid, if indeed we are perceiving the situation accurately and it calls for expressing strong emotion, perhaps for reasons of moral outrage.

But psychologists and the rest of us know that often our strong emotional reactions are over-reactions. They are somehow not appropriate to the situation, and are based on misperceiving the situation, seeing it totally inaccurately.

Such over-reactions are generally sure signs of regressiveness.

This suggests that when we react very strongly to something or someone, perhaps more strongly than the norm, it is based on some childhood woundedness that we have not healed, or some childhood state that we have not grown out of. This usually refers to pains we feel, debilitating embarrassment, an attack on our self-esteem, anger or other extreme ways we react to very benignly intended behaviours of others. There are scenarios where we may argue that such strong reactions, say of righteous anger, are entirely adult and justified. But many times they are regressive.

I suggest here that the strong reaction of blissful bonding pleasure (which is romantic love), rather than pain, anger or embarrassment, is an over-reaction too. It is an over-reaction of pleasure, rather than pain. As I have been labouring to stress, the over-reaction comes from a limited perception of the partner; perhaps an accurate seeing of a part of them, but an understandable inability to know all that has not yet been revealed, that will only be revealed in time, in different situations that arise. Meanwhile, we imagine we see something like perfection, and fail to see the imperfections, both in ourselves, and in our partners, which are not yet revealed.

There is thus a failure to see truth. And thus there cannot be true love here!

The strong emotional reaction which is romantic love is a unique reaction to one’s partner, (seen as a reaction to a unique person) and because it involves a limited perception of the partner, is effectively a misperception. And this ‘abnormal’, ‘uncommon’ strong reaction to this person, suggests, according to the ideas of this book, a regression. In spite of its bliss!

That is to say: in spite of anything in the partner which we do see accurately, there is much that we add on to our vision of our partner that is not really there. We fill in the gaps with images of perfection. And this gives us the hope (which is really a fantasy) that here we will have the beautiful blissful bond which we are desperately seeking.

Because psychologists have realized the general problem of over-reaction, outside of romantic love, we have been encouraged to press the pause button before we over-react, to question both our woundedness and our potential anger response— so that we can think about what is going on, and respond thoughtfully, instead of reacting automatically. That way we learn to dialogue better with others and take time to see things from their point of view too, not just perceive their behaviour in terms of our limited regressive perceptions and the frustration of our own personal needs. The now popular movement of people practising Mindfulness meditation encourages something similar.

But still, many psychologists are slow to label positive reactions of extreme pleasure, joy, happiness, as over-reactions!

Many psychologists are slow to judge joy, happiness and pleasure as problematic — but sometimes they are!

Many psychologists have failed to tell us to press the pause button on these pleasurable over-reactions! But I suggest we should!

Many psychologists, this author suggests, are simply reluctant to label anything that seems so positive as possibly pathological, as not really okay!

This author and this book are trying to correct that gap in the thinking about these things.

Feeling romantic love? Press the pause button and consider thoughtfully what you are experiencing!

We will fail to do this if we are stuck on the ideas of: "if it feels good, it must be good; if the person is ‘following their bliss’, then that is all that counts". We take it for granted that it must be so. But being drunk feels good, though it not necessarily is good! We are unlikely to seriously regard a jolly, drunk person as really happy.

Folk who are involved in personal development inevitably know the principle of: if you know you are reacting very strongly to a situation, perhaps you should consider if a button in you is being pressed. In other words, is some wound from the past being re-stimulated? (In other words, you may be regressing.)

And such folk would also know the principle: if you find yourself over-reacting, press the pause button. Stop before you react, and think about what you are feeling and imagining and reading into the situation. Think about what may not really be there. Know that perhaps the problem is in you, not in your partner!

Within the ordinary range of life, I suggest that romantic love, for as long as it has been in existence down the ages, takes its place as one of the great regressive, over-reactive illusions of human life. But humans have been blind to this, validating something that they had little psychological understanding of because of its commonness.(139) Hopefully we can put centuries of illusion behind us, and progress to a new phase of more enduring, more delightful, and more realistic love between intimates.

Humanity needs some growing up in terms of its art of loving (as Erich Fromm called it in his 1957 book The Art of Loving). Instead of falling romantically in love and thinking and feeling, "This