Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Sabrina Steward

Published by Sabrina Steward at Smashwords

Copyright 2015

Ebook Cover Design by www.ebooklaunch.com

This book is based on some true events, however it has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblence to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our

sins and purify us from all unrighteousness

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Epilogue

About the Author

Connect with the Author

Introduction

April 11, 2014. My stomach quivers as I fight the nausea that threatens to creep up into my throat. I’m scared, no, terrified to tell this story. I must ask myself, Am I capable of doing this? As I sit here and muddle over my answer, I am reminded of a quote I once read from Eleanor Roosevelt. She said, You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Though fear and self-doubt continue to plague me, I will muster the will to continue forward in sharing my experience because it is a valuable one many women will be able to relate to. Lessons can be learned from other people’s stories.

Why do I want to do this? By revealing this part of my past, I am opening up my life for criticism. No one likes to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a frightening emotion. It opens up the opportunity for rejection, misunderstandings, and possible hostility. I ask myself again, Why should I expose my shameful past when I left this part of my life a long time ago? It was an ugly and dark time in my life. Writing about my past will force me to analyze parts of my life which I would rather not revisit. They are not fond memories for me. It won’t be easy for me to return to those oppressive days. In making this journey into my past, I will re-experience moments that drained me and left me depressed, almost suicidal.

I have to remind myself that this is a story worthy of being told. Because the fight for women’s rights continues, it is time for women to speak up and lift the veil of shame. We need to uplift each other and support one another. When the topic of women’s rights arises, passionate opinions fly in every direction. It is not the passion that concerns me. I respect everyone’s view on this matter, and both sides have valid points. It is the judgment that makes me uncomfortable. It is the harshness from those who don’t want to even try to understand, that makes my insides cringe. There are people who are too quick to condemn someone whose set of beliefs are different from their own narrow ideas. Their hearts are not open to understand the value of compassion. These people will continue to see what they want to see. But I know, that like me, there are many women who have made the same decision that I made. So after much back and forth deliberation, I have decided to make my confession.

In telling my story, I hope the reader can acknowledge the circumstances which surrounded me at the time of my decision. I made a choice, one I am not proud of, nevertheless it is a decision I must live with. Perhaps I’m naïve in hoping that I will be able to offer any new insights into what is a controversial topic. My hope is to bring more sympathy to women and girls who, like me, made this choice. I want people to know that it wasn’t an easy one to make. No woman makes the decision that I made with a light heart. I did what I did because I felt like there weren’t any other options.

I want the reader to know that I am an optimistic person who loves to laugh, and who relishes in simplicity. I am not a murderer. I have never been promiscuous. I am not an Atheist. I want the reader to remember; I am your daughter, your sister, your friend, your neighbor, your co-worker, your wife. I was a young woman who faced a challenging dilemma. I did what I considered at the time to be the best choice for me. I love God and always have. I believe in the power of prayer. I live a blessed life and I am grateful for every single one of my experiences. They helped me to learn and grow. This is all a part of my journey. My experiences brought me to a place where I am comfortable with myself as a woman. I am happy to be a mother and a wife. I am most content with my place in this world.

I ask God to give me the strength and the courage I will need to go through with writing this story. I hope I can get some people to stop and think for a minute before they condemn women who made the same choice I made. We don’t deserve it. And so it is with tears forming in the corners of my eyes and with trembling fingers that I type on this keyboard and begin to share my experience with you. Please keep an open heart and an open mind while you read my words. Remember that God loves all of us and forgives all of our mistakes.

CHAPTER 1

My first week of high school was nerve wrecking. I had just moved into a new school district. I didn’t know anyone, nor did I have any friends. My goal was to be invisible. I walked through the halls with my eyes glued to the floor. I avoided eye contact with every person who passed by me. I made it a point to sit in the back corner of my classes. During lunch I headed for the far end of the cafeteria. I did everything in my power to stay unnoticed. I was shy and quiet and too nervous to approach anyone.

Thankfully, my attempt at living like a hermit didn’t last long. I have to say that my four years of high school ended up being a wonderful experience. It changed when I gathered up enough courage to tryout for the cheerleading team. Freshman cheerleading tryouts began during the second week of school. I figured since no one recognized me, I could make a fool of myself and no one would care.

As a young child I’d always dreamed of being one of those gorgeous high school cheerleaders I saw in the movies. On T.V. they were the girls that got all the attention from their classmates. The movies always showed cheerleaders as the ones that looked like they were having the most fun. I knew that if I made the team, I would inevitably become popular. People would want to associate with me and be my friend. I wouldn’t spend the next four years wandering the halls of high school alone.

Tryouts began right after school. They lasted for four days, and were held in the school’s wrestling room. There must have been forty to fifty girls who tried out. The room was full of girls, like me, all vying for a spot on the team. The first three days were dedicated to learning all the choreography that we would later have to perform in front of the judges. The varsity and junior varsity cheerleaders taught us two dance routines and three cheers. On the fourth day of tryouts, the judges evaluated us as while we performed in front of them.

I admired the varsity cheerleaders. They seemed mature, confident and composed. I couldn’t identify with them at all. I tried not to stare. I didn’t want them to think that I was creepy, but I was in awe of them. The cheerleaders intimidated me. A large part of me lacked the maturity I saw in the varsity girls. I wasn’t ready to be in high school. I felt unworthy of being a teenager, let alone a beautiful cheerleader. The varsity girls looked like Barbie dolls. They all had long shiny hair and perfect little bodies, which they showed off in their tiny cheerleader shorts and fitted tees. My short and stocky figure didn’t look anything like theirs. But I wanted so badly to be one of them. I knew that I had a decent shot at making the team. I had been in dance classes since I was three years old. I loved to dance, and I was good at it. Once the music began, I easily succumbed to the rhythm. I let go of my anxieties and became whatever the music asked me to be. I didn’t think about choreography and technique too much. I felt the energy of the music and became part of the rhythm. Dancing came naturally to me, like it was an extension of my soul. I picked up choreography and rhythm fast and easily.

During the tryouts, I was an outcast. I lacked the confidence to introduce myself to anyone, so I watched from a quiet corner of the wrestling room while the other girls played, talked, laughed, and practiced the routines with their friends. Most of them knew each other from middle school.

Although I felt alone, I tried to look cool and aloof. I didn’t want to reveal to anyone who may be looking at me how embarrassed I was, so I focused on learning the routines and taking in all the advice that the varsity cheerleaders gave us. I was well aware that I was one of many freshman girls who wanted to have her social status solidified by becoming one of the exclusive freshman cheerleaders.

There were three judges; the varsity cheer coach, the junior varsity cheer coach, and the freshman cheer coach. All three of them were super blonde and super tanned. They looked as if they had been cheerleaders at some point. During tryouts, I watched the judges walk around the wrestling room. They weren’t supposed to judge us until the fourth day, but I could tell that they were already picking out their favorites. When the fourth day of tryouts arrived, the judges assigned us into groups of three. We then performed the routines we had learned. I didn’t know the other two girls in my group, but they were nice to me. All the groups sat in the hallway outside the wrestling room while we waited for our groups to be called in. When my group was called in to perform, I saw that all three of the judges were seated behind a long fold-up table. Their smiles encouraged me to do my best. Being in front of them was the most terrifying thing in the world for me. I remembered what the varsity cheerleaders had told us. They repeatedly said that the most important thing to do in front of the judges was to smile. I stood in front of the judges with a huge smile plastered onto my face, and waited for them to call out the routines we were supposed to perform. Meanwhile, buckets of sweat poured down the sides of my face but I kept my smile on and performed those routines like my life depended on it.

If I made the team, I could merge dancing and popularity into one. This would open the opportunity for me to belong to the perfect and happy world of popularity. It also gave me the chance to do what I loved, which was to dance.

My desire to belong came from a lack of self-confidence. This was because my world at home was the exact opposite of happiness. My parents loved me, but hated each other. To say that my life at home was miserable, is an understatement. I lived in a constant battle zone. If I could belong to the cheerleading team, then maybe I would have something good to look forward to.

After everyone finished performing, the judges told us that one of them would call us later that night to let us know if we had made the team or not. When I got home, I took a quick shower and waited by the phone. I didn’t even think about eating dinner because my nerves had my stomach tied into knots. My parents were supportive. They served dinner, but they didn’t force me to eat. They understood how I felt and were also anxious to find out if I made the team.I expected to be up at least until ten, so I was surprised when the phone rang at seven. I quickly answered, Hello? A friendly voice on the other line said, Congratulations Sofia! This is Coach Jackie, you made the team.

Yay! Great! Thank you so much I yelled.

Are you excited, she asked.

I said, Absolutely.

Okay, then we’ll see you tomorrow after school in the wrestling room for your first practice. My parents and my younger sister were excited for me. They gave me congratulatory hugs when I got off the phone. I ended up being one of eight girls to make the freshman cheerleading team.

The change at school happened immediately. As soon as I walked into school the following morning, people who I had seen in my classes, but who had never spoken to me before congratulated me on making the team. Upper classmen from the football team, who I had never noticed before stopped me in the hallway to talk to me in between classes.

At our first practice Coach Jackie told us that team unity was the most important element in having a competitive team. She said, Expect to spend a lot of time with each other. You will see each other every day at practice, and you will spend weekends together when we go to camps and competitions. Jackie assured us that we were going to become good friends. She made us feel important by telling us that, You now represent the school. Every time you put on your uniform, people will associate you with our school. Being a cheerleader is something to be proud of. Because of this, she expected us to always be on our best behavior and to hold ourselves to a higher standard.

That very next weekend the girls on my team decided to have a sleepover. We all wanted the opportunity to get to know each other better. High school became everything that I dreamed it could be. I did become popular. My insecurities remained, but I was able to cover them up with a busy social life. Instead of eating alone, I ate with all the cheerleaders and the athletes. I no longer sat alone in class. Someone always asked me to have a seat next to them. My life became a whirlwind of practices, games, pizza parties, sleepovers, and pep rallies, overnight trips to cheer camps, clinics, and competitions. I became involved in many extracurricular activities. I made sure I was at the center of many school related activities. I loved my life.

Tryouts for varsity and junior varsity were held at the end of the school year. My second tryout experience was vastly different than my first. Although I was still a freshman, I was no longer alone. This time I had friends. I didn’t have to hide in the quiet corners of the wrestling room. I was more comfortable among my peers.

The outgoing seniors were tasked with creating the new choreography and with teaching us the new routines that we had to perform in front of the coaches. The coaches wanted to have the teams formed by the beginning of the summer so they could take the teams to a summer cheer camp in San Diego, California. It also gave the teams a chance to have the entire summer to practice. I lived in Tucson, Arizona. Tucsonans look at San Diego like a utopia of sorts. San Diego was warm, sunny, had trees, and beautiful beaches.

I was one of two underclassmen to make the varsity cheer team. The other sophomore to make the team was Lexi. She and I were excited to be on varsity cheers together. We had become friends during our year on the freshman cheer team but became closer friends when we were the only two underclassmen on varsity. This was a big deal because sophomores usually made up the junior varsity teams. At school, I no longer received attention for being a cheerleader, but apparently I was a really good cheerleader. I had completely skipped junior varsity and gone straight to being a sophomore on a varsity team.

Cheer camp was one of the highlights of being a cheerleader. Our teams packed into two buses and made the eight hour trip from Tucson to San Diego every summer. It was a good experience for me individually as well as for the team as a whole. It felt great to go on an out of state trip without my parents. I loved the chance to hang out with a bunch of my friends. It gave me a great sense of independence. The bonding moments that all the girls on both the varsity and junior varsity teams shared became an invaluable experience. We always arrived a day before camp started. This gave us the chance to spend a day at the beach and many of us started camp with sunburns.

We spent the long hot days at camp learning new routines for dances, cheers, and new techniques to perform our stunts. We always had a lot of fun. At the end of the camp all the teams in attendance were required to perform what they had learned, as well as a routine that they had put together at home.

The bus ride home was exhausting. Cheer camp was physically demanding. We were always tired when the bus pulled into the school parking lot, but we met our parents with big genuine smiles. We loved it. I loved it. It was my favorite thing about being in high school.

I cheered my junior and senior years of high school. I loved everything about being a cheerleader. I loved performing at pep assemblies. I loved being in front of everyone at the football and basketball games. I loved learning the routines. I loved going to competitions and cheer clinics. I loved having school spirit. I loved the uniforms and the pom poms. I loved being part of a team and representing my school. Most of all, I loved my teammates and the sisterhood that we shared.

My senior year I was elected by my class to serve on student council. It was a position that I took seriously; I wanted to take part in making our last year of high school memorable for everyone