The Modern Con Man: How to Get Something for Nothing

Did you put your name and address on the lines above? Then you failed, and you need this book more than you know. Con artists often need to vanish in a hurry, from a card game, bar, hotel lobby, you name it. They never leave proof behind—business cards, name tags, credit card receipts—that they were ever there.

Just one of countless con tips you'll find in this book. And from now on, if somebody asks you to write your name in a book—don't.

THE MODERN CON MAN

How to Get Something for Nothing

Todd Robbins

& the Modern Conman Collective

Gadi Harel

Marcel Sarmiento

Jack Silbert

Illustrations by Mike Phi

To the suckers, without whom none of this would be possible.

CONTENTS

Introduction • The Roper

Chapter 1 • BAR BETS

How to Scam Tour Way to a Free Beer

Chapter 2 • WORK WAGERS

How to Con Tour Coworkers

Chapter 3 • FRIENDLY WAGERS

Bets with Buddies and Fooling Tour Friends

Chapter 4 • CARD CONS

Poker Night Games and Other Ways to Con a Card Player

Chapter 5 • CONTINENTAL GRIFT

"Con the Road Again . . ."

Chapter 6 • SCAMS IN LOVE

Cupid Cons and Other Ways to Avoid a Valentine's Day Massacre

Chapter 7 • SPORT SCAMS

Ways to Grift at Game Time

Chapter 8 • COLLEGE CONS

Ways to Scam at School

In Conclusion • Blow Off

Acknowledgments

A Note on the Authors

INTRODUCTION

THE ROPER

Do unto others . . . then run.

This is my motto. It will become the motto of those who read and embrace the philosophy put forth in these pages. There is nothing nice about this book. You see, it all boils down to one simple fact: The world is rapidly becoming separated into the Deceivers and the Deceived. The sooner you decide which group you want to be in, the better off you will be.

And there is no shame in wanting to be one of the Deceived. In stupidity there is bliss. So head over to the next aisle and pick up some self-help book featured on Oprah. This book was not written for you. You are a nice person. You believe we should do unto others as we would have done to us. And if it were not for sweet people like you, the people for whom this book is written would have no one to scam.

If you are like me (and I know I am), you would rather be predator than prey. If this is the case, then boy oh boy, this book w as written for you, my friend. So enjoy.

—Todd Robbins

PS: And if you bought this book online or from some other source and you didn't know what you were getting, then e-mail me at coneyislandtodd@aol.com and I will refund the money you spent on the book. Just include the name of your bank and your account number, and I will send the money directly to your bank. And so that there are no mix-ups, include your social security number and your mother's maiden name. Thanks, I'll take it from there.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

—HUMPHREY BOGAIIT

CHAPTER 1

BAR BETS

How to Scam Your Way to a Free Beer

Late at night in a dark bar, loud music thumping, alcohol flowing, people pushing through a crowd: This is the perfect playground for an experienced con artist. Distractions abound. And did we mention the alcohol? Impaired judgment can make for a very easy mark. You may never have to pay for a beer again.

But before you read on, there's one crucial caveat: An angry drunk doesn't appreciate being scammed. So always case out the exit.

THE

BLOW

HOLE

One of the smartest wagers you can make is betting people who've been drinking that they can't do even the simplest of tasks. That's what makes this so incredibly easy . . . you don't have to do anything. It's all on them.

WHAT IT'S GOOD FOR:

Flirting. And flirting your way to a free drink.

WHAT YOU NEED:

• An empty beer bottle

• A cocktail napkin

WHAT YOU DO:

1 Rip off a piece of the cocktail napkin and roll it into a tiny raisin-size ball.

2 Hold the empty beer bottle perfectly horizontal. No tilting at all.

3 Place the napkin ball just inside the lip of the bottle's opening.

4 Challenge your mark to blow the napkin ball into the bottle (see fig. 1).

WHAT'S THE SECRET:

Couldn't sound easier, right?¹ Actually, it's impossible.* Because, as simple as it sounds, it can't be done. You will never lose. Huff and puff and blow the house down, that napkin ball ain't going in. It's some sort of physics thing: Your breath goes in, bounces off the back, and blows the ball back out at you. If your mark wants to try again, say yes, and quickly figure out which drink you're betting for. (Also works with a cigarette butt, in which case it's pleasantly named Butt in Your Face.)

* And yet, if the tables are turned and you've been told to do it, there is a cheap way. You agree to try on the condition that if you can do it, they buy your drinks for the rest of the night. You blow on the ball . . . with a straw. The concentrated stream of air will cause the ball to roll right into the bottle.

I first learned this one many years ago in Eddie Farquar's bar in Split Up, North Dakota, where I was stuck due to a blizzard. It turns out the bartender, Eddie himself, and I both learned a thing or two from the legendary grifter or' Doc Shannon. But that afternoon, Eddie taught me the BLOW HOLE, so I decided to kill some time by having fun with the locals. I won so many free drinks, I only sobered up last Tuesday. Thanks, Eddie. —TR

ICEBREAKERS

Before working your marks, a little conversation to relax and distract them isn't a bad idea. Here are thirteen bar-friendly factoids to help you on your way . . .

1

The pressure in a bottle of champagne is about 90 pounds per square inch.

2

The average number of grapes it takes to make a bottle of wine is six hundred.

3

A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.

4

Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.

5

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will repeatedly float to the top and sink to the bottom.*

6

The bubbles in Guinness beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top as in other beers.**

* The raisin will sink at first for the same reason other things do: It is more dense than the drink. What happens here, though, is that the raisin's texture

catches some of the bubbly's rising gas bubbles. By the time the raisin reaches the bottom, the collected bubbles are collectively strong enough to bring it back to the surface—where the bubbles immediately burst. The raisin then finds itself falling again . . .

** After the drink is poured, the gas bubbles rise from the bottom. However, the bubbles on the side are slowed down as they drag along the surface of the glass, which means the central bubbles shoot up much faster. Hitting the top (or, in fact, the bottom of the head of the beer), these bubbles are pushed outward, where they again hit a wall—this time the side of the glass—and are forcibly pushed downward by the strong current of bubbles following behind. Even though This creates a circular path for the bubbles, all we can see are the ones coming down the sides. This happens in most drinks where bubbles rise. But Guinness is dispensed with a mix of nitrogen and carbon dioxide (as opposed to just carbon dioxide like most beers), and it's the nitrogen that makes the difference. Its bubbles don't dissolve as easily, and it's what gives the beer its thick, creamy head and smooth texture. The combination of dark liquid and light-colored creme bubbles makes the sinking phenomenon more visible than with other beverages.

Enough. Too much thinking, not enough drinking.

7

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

8

Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out at his bachelor party.

9

Prohibition lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32 1/2 minutes.

10

Beer, as with all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation: Bacteria feeds on yeast cells, then defecates. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

11

The most expensive beer, at fifty-two dollars a bottle, is Tutankhamen, made from a recipe found in Queen Nefertiti's temple in Egypt.

12

The Whistler Tree in Portugal is the world's largest cork tree, producing enough cork each harvest for one hundred thousand wine bottles.

13

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

NIM

Supposedly an old Egyptian game—though we re guessing they didn't use matches. You won't lose and it'll drive your victims crazy. You'll win drink after drink after drink, as long as the marks want a rematch.

WHAT IT'S GOOD FOR:

Scam a thinker, someone reading a book, solving a crossword, etc.

WHAT YOU NEED:

• 20 matches (with a 21st at hand just in case)

WHAT YOU DO:

1 Spill twenty matches on the counter and challenge your opponent to a fun little game.

2 Explain the rules: Each player can remove one, two, or three matches during his turn. Whoever is left with the last match loses.

3 Follow the First Turn Instructions to make sure your opponent is left with seventeen matches.

4 PAY ATTENTION, THIS IS THE KEY: From this point on, make sure you and your opponent's turns add up to four. So if he takes one, you take three. If he takes three, you take one, and if he takes two, you take two.

5 When your opponent wants to try again, avoid any lame match/rematch jokes.

FIRST TURN INSTRUCTIONS:

• If you go first:

Pick up three matches, so there are seventeen left in the pile.

• If your opponent goes first and takes one match:

Take two matches, so there are seventeen left in the pile.

• If your opponent goes first and takes two matches: Take one match, so there are seventeen left in the pile. (Noticing a pattern?)

• If your opponent goes first and takes three matches, there are two ways to handle the situation. Keep one extra match under your thigh on the bar stool. Matches are tiny and easy to conceal in your hand. Reach into the pile with the concealed match and pick that match. Then there are still seventeen in the pile. If you can't sneak another match in, there's a trickier way to do this. Do your best and try and reach one of these other key numbers after one of Your turns—thirteen, nine, or five. If you get to one of them, go back to your trick of adding up to four. As long as your opponent is left with five matches at the end, you can't lose.

* The name can mean either take or steal—which says it all.

This was a favorite game of the infamous gambler Nicholas Andreas Dandolos, also known as Nick the Greek. It has been said he once won two hundred thousand dollars playing this game. Of course, he lost three hundred thousand dollars the next day playing the ponies, but that's beside the point. —TR

IN THE KNOW

NIM

Grifters have been playing this game for years. And not just with marks, but with each other too. How can that be, you ask? We'll tell you. They take a bunch of matchboxes and dump the contents out on the table. No one knows how many matches are there, so when they start playing, what's really going on is a test to see who can visually count the pile of matches the fastest. Once the number of matches is determined, which can take a few turns before the pile gets down to a countable number, it is a dance of death to get to one of the key numbers. It keeps us grifters on our toes.

TODD ROBBINS ON . . .

THE DILEMMA

OF SCRUPLES

I've heard about these things called scruples. I think it's the name of the currency in some Eastern European country or something.

Scruples are needed only if everyone in life