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    Best Joke Book: Volume Three
    Best Joke Book: Volume Three
    Best Joke Book: Volume Three
    Ebook140 pages1 hour

    Best Joke Book: Volume Three

    By Paul D Kennedy

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    About this ebook

    Laugh until you drop with hundreds of funny jokes, polite and saucy ... extracted from a joke-bank that, after two decades of collecting, keeps on growing. Plenty of one-liners ... “Alcohol doesn't solve any problems — neither does milk" ... “I feel so miserable without you — it's almost like having you here” ... great for grabbing attention. Most of the jokes, however, are quarter to half a page long. They have been reworked for oral delivery by an experienced editor and are great tools for getting the banter going ... no matter where you are ... in a pub, at a party, or taking the stage during an evening on the town. So loosen up your bones with the Best Joke Book — Volume Three.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPaul D Kennedy
    Release dateAug 12, 2014
    ISBN9781311973757
    Best Joke Book: Volume Three
    Author

    Paul D Kennedy

    Paul D Kennedy was born in Ireland and educated at Trinity College, Dublin. As a business consultant and writer he has enjoyed a varied career in the UK and the Far East, and especially in the Arabian Peninsula where he was based in Kuwait for nearly 20 years. Indeed he was the liaison officer for the Irish community in that country during the Iraqi invasion and occupation in 1990. After the war he established a career in Kuwait as a radio presenter, business consultant, writer of books and articles, and a publisher of guide books and consumer magazines. He is currently living in County Dublin, Ireland, where he runs an international management consulting and editorial business.

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      Book preview

      Best Joke Book - Paul D Kennedy

      Best Joke Book

      Volume Three

      Compiled by

      Paul D Kennedy

      Smashwords edition

      Copyright 2013 Paul D Kennedy

      Smashwords edition, licence notes

      Thank you for purchasing this eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

      Naturally, you are completely free to tell these jokes to family, friends and colleagues and so cause mirthful mayhem near and far.

      Read the author’s profile at Smashwords

      You can contact the author through:

      www.bestjokebook.com

      Email: paul@bestjokebook.com

      *****

      An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man kept staring.

      Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

      Without batting an eye, the old man replied, Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

      *****

      Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

      *****

      There's an old story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

      Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately! the first mate saluted.

      He went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

      He continued, Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.

      *****

      Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying.

      But when God talks to us we're considered schizophrenic?

      *****

      A priest and a rabbi were the best of friends. One day the rabbi asked the priest about confession.

      I have an idea, said the priest.

      Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.

      A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

      The priest asked, What did you do?

      I cheated on my husband.

      How many times?

      Three times.

      Well, said the priest, Say five Hail Marys and put five dollars in the offering box.

      Another woman came and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

      The priest asked, What did you do?

      I cheated on my husband.

      How many times?

      Three times.

      Again the priest said, Say five Hail Marys and put five dollars in the offering box.

      Then the priest said to the rabbi, Would you like to do the next confession?

      The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, Go ahead. It's easy.

      So another woman came in and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

      This time the rabbi asked, What did you do?

      I cheated on my husband.

      How many times?

      The woman said, Twice.

      Then the rabbi said, Well go do it again. Today, they're three for five dollars.

      *****

      A married man should forget his mistakes.

      There is really no point in two people remembering the same thing.

      *****

      Three friends die together in a tragic car accident. All three reach heaven a few minutes later and have their entrance interview at the same time. St Peter asks each of them the same searching question:

      When your body is in its casket in a few hours time and your friends and family are hanging around and talking about you, what would you like to hear them say?

      Paddy the Englishman says I'd like to hear them say that I was a good doctor and a great family man.

      Paddy the Scotsman says I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a great school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of his pupils.

      Paddy the Irishman coughs Sure I'd like to hear them say 'Jaysus, look, he's starting to move'.

      *****

      Wives are funny creatures.

      They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks.

      And then they want to kill the woman who does.

      *****

      A company boss needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, Hello?

      Is your Daddy home?

      Yes, whispered the small voice.

      May I talk with him? the man asked.

      To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, No.

      Is your Mommy there?

      Yes, came the faint answer.

      May I talk with her?

      Again the small voice whispered, No.

      Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

      Is there any one there besides you? the boss asked the child.

      Yes, whispered the child, A policeman.

      Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?

      No, he's busy, whispered the child.

      Busy doing what? asked the boss.

      Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman, came the whispered answer.

      Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, What is that noise?

      A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice.

      What is going on there? asked the boss, now alarmed.

      In an awed whispering voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copper.

      Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, Why are they there?

      The young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

      They're looking for me.

      *****

      Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it ... Moses Hadas

      *****

      Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.

      Demonstrate your skills! commanded the Emperor.

      The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.

      He drew his samurai sword and Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

      What a feat! said the Emperor.

      Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.

      The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.

      He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

      That is skill! nodded the Emperor.

      How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?

      The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! He flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

      In disappointment, the Emperor said, What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead.

      Dead, replied the Jewish Samurai. Dead is easy. Circumcision! Now THAT takes skill!

      *****

      I see your face when I am dreaming.

      That's why I always wake up screaming

      *****

      A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

      Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

      The guy replies, I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.

      Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

      Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.

      Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

      Just a minute, says the good father. That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

      Up here, we go by results, says Saint Peter. When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed.

      *****

      T-Shirt One-Liner

      You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

      *****

      Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.

      The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.

      Top of the mornin' to ya, sir, says the attendant as he gets the pump ready.

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