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Black Girl's Guide to Winning at Love & Life
Azioni libro
Inizia a leggereValutazioni:
Valutazione: 5 su 5 stelle5/5 (1 recensione)
Lunghezza: 237 pagine4 ore
- Editore:
- Stephanie Small
- Pubblicato:
- Nov 2, 2013
- ISBN:
- 9780985818944
- Formato:
- Libro
Descrizione
IF LOVE IS WAR, MAY THE BEST WOMAN WIN!
There's a battle brewing for love, the good life and the hearts of black men. Who will win? The answers are broken down between the pages of this how-to guide in 5 basic steps. Without apology or pulling punches, Small reveals to single sisters everywhere why the "other" girl is making sweet love to the brothers who should be their boyfriends, while 47% of black women will never wear a wedding dress.
Using what she calls the FIVE B'S for Becoming a Better Black Woman, Small rescues single sisters from dating doom by outlining the emotional and psychological challenges that they must overcome to be at their best. Like the strictest drill sergeant or tough love sister-friend, the author coaches black women on how to:
• Overcome angry black woman BIAS
• Fight BRAINWASHING indoctrination
• Maximize BEAUTY as a strategic asset
• Release and unload emotional BAGGAGE
• Be BETTER mentally, physically and emotionally
Best described as a relationship boot-camp guide for getting yours, the book is equal parts as funny as it is infuriating. Black Girl’s Guide to Winning at Love & Life successfully gives black women the one thing they need: strategies for winning at love, life and everything in-between.
Informazioni sul libro
Black Girl's Guide to Winning at Love & Life
Valutazioni:
Valutazione: 5 su 5 stelle5/5 (1 recensione)
Lunghezza: 237 pagine4 ore
Descrizione
IF LOVE IS WAR, MAY THE BEST WOMAN WIN!
There's a battle brewing for love, the good life and the hearts of black men. Who will win? The answers are broken down between the pages of this how-to guide in 5 basic steps. Without apology or pulling punches, Small reveals to single sisters everywhere why the "other" girl is making sweet love to the brothers who should be their boyfriends, while 47% of black women will never wear a wedding dress.
Using what she calls the FIVE B'S for Becoming a Better Black Woman, Small rescues single sisters from dating doom by outlining the emotional and psychological challenges that they must overcome to be at their best. Like the strictest drill sergeant or tough love sister-friend, the author coaches black women on how to:
• Overcome angry black woman BIAS
• Fight BRAINWASHING indoctrination
• Maximize BEAUTY as a strategic asset
• Release and unload emotional BAGGAGE
• Be BETTER mentally, physically and emotionally
Best described as a relationship boot-camp guide for getting yours, the book is equal parts as funny as it is infuriating. Black Girl’s Guide to Winning at Love & Life successfully gives black women the one thing they need: strategies for winning at love, life and everything in-between.
- Editore:
- Stephanie Small
- Pubblicato:
- Nov 2, 2013
- ISBN:
- 9780985818944
- Formato:
- Libro
Informazioni sull'autore
While pursuing a degree in psychology, Stephanie Small discovered a love for writing and an affinity for giving good advice. A former social work counselor, she is currently a certified trainer and college lecturer with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in the Arts. A woman of the world (Canadian-bred with West Indian roots, now living and loving in New York), Stephanie works as a Professional-Development Coach and Training Strategist specializing in Adult Education. Her life's goal is to educate individuals on how to overcome their fears and discover their own personal power.
Known as the Super Sistah in the Blogosphere Stephanie writes a successful blog @ thesupersistah.com
Correlati a Black Girl's Guide to Winning at Love & Life
Anteprima del libro
Black Girl's Guide to Winning at Love & Life - Stephanie Small
Introduction
This book is going to result in hate mail. I’m going to be called a sellout, a racial disgrace, and a Mean Girl brainwashed by the man. Don’t care. This book is about truth and the truth generally hurts. My writing is going to undoubtedly aggravate and generally piss off a whole bunch of folks. It’s happened already. Just the premise of this book has some of my friends angry at me. I try to explain my point of view, but they don’t get it—don’t want to get it if you ask me. I understand their feelings, in their place; I would want to strangle me too. The truth is painful. It generally sucks, but sometimes things just need to be said. I’m here to say it. In the realm of romantic relationships black women are getting their asses kicked. Women of other races are spiking the football in our faces. They’re breaking the tape at the end of the track. They’re slam-dunking the basketball over our heads with just seconds left in the game—other girls: 10 points; black girls: 0.
Lots of you have probably bought this book because you were drawn to the bold title, and now you’re wondering what the hell I’m babbling about. What’s this book really about? Well, to be frank, this book is written to slap black women awake. It’s about what we have to do to win back, and keep, the attention and affection of our men. Stealing available men from other races just for spite isn’t a bad idea either. This book is not scientifically based, factually sound, or culturally sensitive. In fact, it will probably be offensive, in whole or in part, to some, if not all women. I’m not writing it to be offensive, however; it’s a self-help book for the women who need help the most. According to the U.S. Census Bureau 2006–2010 marriage statistics on marriage, black women are the least married group of women. And if you believe some people, we are also the least desirable women on the face of the earth. This perception is perpetrated by trumped-up media depictions of who and what we are and generally has no basis in truth. In reality we’re the most beautiful women on the planet. Our diversity makes us beautiful. Like the spice rack in the best gourmet kitchens, there are black women to suit the preference and palate of all men. There are black blondes and black redheads. There are blue-eyed and green-eyed black women. There are women of color with Asian ancestry and middle-eastern genealogy.
If exotic is your taste, black women with their multicolored flavors answer any man’s idea of fantasy. No other people can offer all this variety in one race. If you love black women, you can have it all. But somewhere our beauty and attraction got lost in negative depictions that no amount of Halle Berrys can change. Somewhere we got lost in the skewed picture of ourselves. We’ve decided as black women to accept our place on the planet. I say that we don’t have to do any such thing. Life is a competition, and if someone’s winning, then someone else is undoubtedly losing. Right now, we’re losing badly. Pull up a chair and let me tell you how black women can even the score, turn the game around—win.
To paraphrase Sun Tzu in the book The Art of War, before you can beat your opposition you must know her intimately. With that in mind, let’s define our opponent before we set about defeating her. All superheroes have a nemesis—an arch enemy. For black girls our Darth Vader, our kryptonite-wielding Lex Luther is the white girl; codename—snowflake. When I refer to white or other girls in this book, don’t get the impression that I’m speaking of Caucasian women exclusively. Instead, the term white girl is universal for women with the threatening combination of tits and ass. This means the quintessential white girl, also known as Scarlett Johansson, the exotic, undefined white girl from unknown origins—Kim Kardashian, the seemingly sensitive, tiger-lily with far-eastern ancestry—Lucy Liu. The white girl in smoking hot Latin disguise—Jennifer Lopez, and all the other girls not mentioned in this list who will undoubtedly, at some point in our lives, give us trouble. White girl as used in this book is a loose term. So for the other girl who has taken it upon herself to secretly read this book, if your parents are from Iran but you were born in Brooklyn and you’re wondering to whom I’m referring when I use the term white girl, don’t worry, I’m definitely talking about you.
As I attempt to coach the black woman out of dating doom, I’m going to make statements about other women in this book that some may find unfavorable. The women described as other will have no distinguishable characteristics besides being non-black. The generalization of women of other races is not done for defamatory reasons but for the sake of simplicity. I will make blanket statements about all types of women in this book, but I acknowledge that like black women, they’re not all the same. The women I continuously refer to are individuals that I’ve met, been friends with or have personally interacted with. I will leave out women who have never made my acquaintance. I include this disclaimer because while it may be a clichéd indictment, someone will undoubtedly accuse me of being a racist.
For the record, I have nothing against white people. To compound clichés, I will even say some of my best friends are white. I don’t believe in a supreme race and that includes my own. I think everyone is a little bit prejudiced, no matter how liberal, so I’ll admit to that. That said, I have nothing against any race and I certainly don’t hate my own race. My assertions will be questioned as this book progresses because although I love all races of people, I don’t plan to pull punches for the sake of political correctness. In describing the problem, I plan to hit black women over the head with some hard truths that some may find insulting.
Most women will find something in this book to argue, debate and curse about. I’ll piss off all races of women from white to black. My friends from all ends of the color spectrum will want to bury me in a deep dark hole. It’s really too bad because I wrote this book as an aid for women. I have no illusions about the outcome of this soon- to-be water cooler favorite; because no matter what’s said to the contrary, the woman I’m writing about need help. Excluding the few black women who have their mind right, have no problems with men or marriage and have never felt marginalized or disheartened by numerous failed relationships, the majority of black women need some sort of instruction. For the blessed sistahs who have escaped it all, I have nothing to say or to teach you. It’s the rest of us who need coaching. The sistahs like me who have read entire shelves of self-help books looking for someone to tell them all the things they need to hear—looking for somebody to shout the truth into our ears. This book is for them and really has nothing to do with bashing or blaming other races. Historically black people are at a disadvantage. We need all the help and guidance we can get. If criticism leads to correction, then I’m ready to criticize.
Now pay attention. I’ve been alive long enough, seen enough of the world, and observed enough of life in the big city to know without a doubt that other races of women are slaughtering us in the dating game. Black women are lying face down by the side of the road with tread marks on our asses. I’ve read articles by overconfident women who claim to have taken away black men. I don’t think this is necessarily true. I think in some instances black women have given them away, and even run them away. Perhaps our competition has just become too fierce. That isn’t to say that we can’t succeed in this secret war we’re fighting. A great coach points out his team’s weaknesses. This book is going to do just that, making it impossible for us to lose. Before I go any further, I think it’s important for the reader to have some background information about the author. As you’ve guessed by now, I’m black. I’m also attractive, above thirty, and a double-degree-holding Psychology and English graduate on the dating scene. By profession I’m a Training Strategy Specialist dealing specifically in professional development education and a college lecturer. I’m a single professional woman living and working in New York City.
In High School I was voted most likely to become a black activist. After I discovered Malcolm X at the age of 17, I was enamored by black history and culture. I fought, argued and debated anything and everything having to do with the black race. I had my red, black, and green necklace and my Power-To-The-People t-shirt. I wore it all the time. I was so black-involved that it started to take over my life. I was angry. Black people weren’t progressing as fast as I wanted them to and I found it depressing. For my own sanity, I had to let go and let flow. But close to two decades later I’ve taken up the torch again for the sake of the sistahs. I’ve tried to stay out of it for my own mental health, but I couldn’t do it. The plight of black women was too dire for me to sit on the sidelines and do nothing. My opinion now, as it was then, is that black women are the most incredible women on the planet. I believe this with all my heart, although by the end of this book many black women may be downright angry and generally outraged. They will question my assertions. I will be the topic on The Wendy Williams Show as the anti-black woman and self-hater—all untrue.
My main goal in life is to empower black women, open their eyes, and provide them with the information and knowledge they’re lacking. If you can find the gaps, then you can fill them. I’m the mirror to black women, and I’m going to force them to see themselves. A good gambler only bets to win. All my money is on Black. We can do better. In the race of life, I’m here to see that we cross the finish line first. I’ve described other races of women as an obstacle to overcome, yes, but although I will make many references to other women, specifically white women in this book, it isn’t really about them. It’s about us— black women. The white girl is used as a case study, a comparative analysis tool. If I focused all my attention on them, in what way would that help black women improve their lives? No way at all. I would be doing a disservice to the black women who bought this book seeking answers, insights and strategies. So if you’re flipping through this book in the checkout line in the bookstore searching for the part where I say all white women are evil, then put the book down and walk away. This isn’t for you. Again, it’s not about them. The cards are stacked against women of color. I wish I could wave a wand and even the score, but life doesn’t work that way. The reality is that the state of the world we live in will not change overnight. I can do nothing about the history of America and racial relations in this country. All I can do is help women understand themselves, understand the competition and give them tools they can use to fight for what they want.
This book will help black women find love, find themselves and help us find our way back to happiness one healthy and happy black female at a time. To make this happen, I will talk about the Five B’s that I consider warfare tactics necessary to rescue black women from the dating pit of death. These are five steps to self-improvement and enlightenment. The knowledge imbedded in these Five B’s are critical. Every black woman must understand and embrace these steps in order to rescue herself from failed relationships. To understand the game of love and the black woman’s place in it, it’s important to realize that inherent in the game are certain biases.
B number one—Bias has made dating up until this point difficult for black women. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, most black women should be partly aware of these biases and their effects. These are the biases that make perfectly eligible men take one look at you and walk away deeming you a dating high-risk based on color alone. You may be born the perfect woman with the body of Janet Jackson when she’s fit, the intellect of Michelle Obama and the bankroll of Oprah Winfrey and still be found lacking. There is an inherent bias against black woman that must be fought against. But you cannot take up arms and charge into battle unprepared. The problem of bias must be analyzed and dissected before it can be solved. The deck is stacked against you girlfriend, accept it and fight on.
B number two—Brainwashing has been affecting how we see ourselves as black women and how the world sees us. It began with our preference for the white doll with the long blonde hair. It started when we saw shapeless asexual black women on television playing nannies and maids or depicted as prostitutes and whores. It started with never seeing ourselves reflected as we truly are. To understand how to fight against the monster in our head that says we aren’t good enough, black women must first realize they’ve been brainwashed.
The third B—Beauty examines our Black is Beautiful mantra. The African-American beauty industry is a billion dollar machine. Women of color spend exorbitant amounts of money on their hair, their clothes and their cribs. To be considered beautiful we’ve changed our outward appearance with weaves and wardrobes but failed to address the beauty on the inside. It has blinded us to the reality that we can improve ourselves and change our lives, not just our looks. To understand how to catch and keep a man, it’s important to understand the construct of beauty. The skewed ideology of black beauty has blinded and terrified us and stalled our quest for change.
B number four—Baggage suggests that black women must release the baggage we carry around based on generations of heartbreak and disappointment. Unless we free ourselves, we will never be able to break free of negativity. It’s our job and duty to release old hurts and pains and approach every day as brand new. Without the belief in dreams, the dream man will never present himself; life for black women will never get better.
The last B—Better acknowledges that every race is making strides to do better, and the black race has made the most strides of all. We have risen from the lowest point on the totem pole to be relevant in the game. We’ve made progress, but we can do better. Black women can improve their relationships with black men by improving their relationships with themselves. Our unaddressed pain has resulted in a race of women who are perpetually angry, aggravated and emotionally abused. To let the love flow in us, and through us, it’s important to address the circumstances that have shaped our lives. We can improve; we just need to be shown how. So listen up as I explore these Five B’s in detail. There will be some pain involved in the telling, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. This way, please.
1
Bias
Love Is A Battlefield
I love Pat Benatar and when she sang that Love is a Battlefield she had it exactly right. What she left out was that love is also a game of strategy and cunning. All the best sports teams strategize to win. All the best tactical forces do the same. No winning army in the history of civilization has gone into battle unprepared. When generals strategize to strike a blow and obliterate their competition they begin by knowing their opponent. They study their nuances, their strengths and their weaknesses. They go to great lengths to understand who they’re up against and use that knowledge to their advantage. The U.S Cavalry defeated Native Americans by exploiting a weakness for wine. The Viet Cong brought American soldiers to their knees by staging a fight on their territory. The Greeks ground the city of Troy to dust by perfecting the art of deception. In the quest to be on top of the dating game, black women have to strategize. To compete in any battle of wills it’s crucial to know your opponent intimately. It’s not enough to dismiss the competition and her charms as inconsequential. You must know her appeal and understand the similarities to, and differences from, your own. If she’s winning the dating game it’s important to investigate why. I’m an expert of sorts on the white girl. The problem with many black women is that they have never spoken to, interacted with, or been friends with women outside of their race. They don’t understand their appeal. To them, the white woman is like the grizzly at the zoo, dangerous, untouchable, and distant. On the
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