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    Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do
    Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do
    Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do
    Ebook131 pages1 hour

    Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do

    By Ronald E. Hudkins

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    About this ebook

    The book Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do Volume One by the author Ronald Hudkins is a hilarious voyage through life that consists of short stories from grade school to the present day. These stories were originally compiled for immediate friends and family. These stories were emailed out over the years to provide a smile and a spot of laughter and were meant to break up a stressful day or event among family and acquaintances.

    So, sit back, relax and join the author on a senior citizen romp through the twilight of his life. You are about to find out some things about the grey generation that are a mixed bag of funny, peculiar, nonsensical, insulting, stupid, brilliant, or just plain out there. You will want to tell all your friends, family and acquaintances about this gut busting experience!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRonald E. Hudkins
    Release dateJan 29, 2014
    ISBN9781310746864
    Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do
    Author

    Ronald E. Hudkins

    Ronald E. Hudkins (1951-Present) was born in Canton, Ohio and grew up in Massillon, Ohio. He was drafted into military service in 1970 where he remained up until 1993 when he retired honorably from the U.S. Army, Military Police Corps. During his service and after, he attended many universities that include Kent State University, Maryland University, Central Texas College (European Branch), Blair Junior College, Hagerstown Junior College and Phoenix University. He mostly completed general studies but declared two majors in the areas of Business Administration and a Bachelor of Science in Information Technology. Although he was an intelligent student he was never on the Dean's List, or voted a most likely to succeed candidate. He did not graduate with any specific degree however if you were to consider all his credits and self-study he could reasonably be considered a Rogue Scholar.

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      Book preview

      Senior Things I Said, Say, Did and Do - Ronald E. Hudkins

      Section One

      A collection of some stories exchanged between friends, acquaintances, coworkers and family members that have jobs with too much idle time and actually have time to read my emails.

      Why a Little Information is Harmful!

      I was watching the History Channel and found out that there are two absolute essential elements needed to begin life, as we know it. These two things are water and methane gas. That seems pretty simplified huh? This just begs one to look a little deeper into this scientific conclusion of essentials despite the authoritative views of TV History.

      I didn't know our life cycle was so simple! The heck with the big bang theory. Who needs that? I conducted a scratch the surface scientific study of an area of medicine termed flatology. This is where I discovered that flatus (intestinal gas) is composed of non-odorant gases. The stink factor is a whole new thing and has nothing to do with life so, let's move on okay? Anyway, these gases include oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen and methane (as suspected). Who knew we could expel methane gas formulated by the process of simply breathing and this would one day be discovered as an absolute essential component needed to begin a life!

      I also found out that scientist s on the TV History Channel believe that there are at least a trillion or so planets in just our solar system alone that have some sort of sustainable life probabilities. So, the way I figure it - With trillions of planets out there, the chances of an astronaut landing on one and subsequently having a serious case of Flatulence in a mud puddle - could possibly be the start of an intelligent life form very much similar to our own right? Course he'd really have to be careful as farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be highly flammable. That could wipe out life before it even started huh?

      Anyway, some Mathematician on another program (same channel however) stated the chances of winning a lottery jackpot is like one in 195 million, 249 thousand and 54. That’s some pretty astronomical odds huh?

      So my conclusion when combining this science of gas and math is twofold; If you really think about this scientific mixture of water and methane!! It has a higher probability of beginning a lifecycle than any of us winning the lottery.

      Right? So lets get to visiting some of those planets, let the methane fly on a rainy day and call it colonization! So as I see it – I have taken my theory of public impoliteness (water and methane essentials) and combined it with the exploration of space to came up with a new scientific probability of anal population. So, the next time someone has a serious case of flatulence in an elevator don't be disgusted, celebrate the scientific expelling of methane as an attempted birthing ritual and throw water on it or, a match and watch how we as humans - all just get along?

      With logic like that – it’s no wonder if there are UFO’s that the life forms inside have a good sound reasoning to just observe us and not make contact right now.. Okay at least with me anyway!

      I Blew the Interview

      Well, there I was at the Senior Center 20 minutes prior to the interview. Sucked down coffee and shared a pastry with all the elders just wasting time before I went into the admin area for the interview. We had a grand old time and I believe most of them adopted me as a long lost son.

      I thought this is going to be a great place to work. So, about five till I entered the admin area with all the confidence in the world and announced I'M HERE, who do I talk to about the job? The human resource lady politely asked......What job and who are you? I didn't bat an eye, the wind was still filling my sails and I proudly announced I'm Ron Hudkins and apparently, I'm not smarter than a fifth grader. She was very helpful and called every agency in Durango trying to find out where I was actually supposed to be for this suddenly mystery interview. I did apologize to the poor old guy who thought he was being replaced as I departed the Senior Center.

      Well, I still don't know who called me for an actual interview. That is a shame as we got along fine on the phone when she asked are you still interested in the maintenance position at the senior center? Once I got home and looked up senior centers I did determine there is only one in Durango so,,,,,I'm confused. Sort of wishing I'd had asked for a bit more detail about the actual job she had been calling about. Maybe I was just having a senior moment when I annotated my calendar last week. Who the hell knows now? Kind of a shame, it started at 15.00 an hour with full benefits and the interviewer was from the city of Durango but apparently the job wasn't for the senior center.

      Having conducted my fair share of interviews over my lifetime I thought as I was sitting in my truck in a confused state of affairs, Hell, I wouldn't even hire me. Be pretty hard to convince whomever it was I stood up that I have an impeccable ability to communicate. I'm reliable, timely, dependable, responsible, attentive to detail, etc..... That apparently has bullshit written all over it now! I'm sure the person who was supposed to interview me will rent a billboard, post my resume upon it with a legend that says - Don't waste your time on this one! Well, it wasn't a total waste of time. The coffee and pastry is strong and fresh at the senior center and the folks are a great bunch of people! If Ginny ever throws me out, I'm sure one of the seniors will take me in.

      Everyone likes the mutt of the litter and I'm feeling pretty ugly and stupid right about now.

      Apparently if I get called for another job interview, I'm prepared to ask a lot of logistical questions about the actual job they are calling about and exactly where the interview will take place. I'm probably the only person in the world who can get lost in a city with less than 18,000 people in it.

      So, being out and about I decided to stop in the local auto shop and pick up some windshield wipers for the truck. It only took 15-20 minutes to figure out in their stupid, war torn reference manual that the truck needed blades that are 18 inches in length. I grabbed a package, purchased it thinking Wow, a reasonable price for a set of blades. Well hell, the truck is seven years old and I've only had to replace the blades once 2 or 3 years ago. I didn't buy the blades;

      Ginny's son gave them to me as a birthday present. I was thrilled as, I'm into practical things.

      Then just as now, the rubber on the replaced blades was pretty much simply holding on for dear life. They were so frayed; it looked like someone was swishing a cheerleader pom pom across the windshield. Pretty good sign that it's time for a replacement. Nothing gets by me you know?

      So I get home, change and open the new blades up only to discover they are not sold in pairs. Well, at least I'm ready for any rain that hits the driver's side of the windshield. My second realization was that just because they put that extra stupid little plastic piece of crap contraption in the package, it doesn't necessarily mean it must go onto a Ford Ranger Vehicle. I didn't compensate for extra stuff! I mean hell, if I only got one blade, why would they put anything extra in the package? Well, needless to say, that little plastic piece o is somewhere out there in the parking lot because I've about had it with the distance my head is obviously lodged up my butt today.

      I'm not going back to the auto store today. I'm not even going to go outside. I think I'm just having one of those days where I'd had been better off to have simply stayed in bed. I've got an interview tomorrow at 3:00 to do maintenance and grounds keeping for a church.

      If I end up at the wrong church someone is going to have some holy water in places it wasn't formulated to be!

      Yes, I'm tossing the monkey! I refuse to believe I've got so many resumes out there that I can't keep track of them any more. I told Ginny people are just collecting paper to shred so the gifts they send to friends this Christmas will arrive at every corner of the planet completely factory perfect. I hope some jerk shreds my resume gets their sleeve caught in the shredder and spends the rest of their life unable to scratch their hind end.

      Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Guess I'll go out and check to fluid levels and tire

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