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    Things I Learned From My Wife
    Things I Learned From My Wife
    Things I Learned From My Wife
    Ebook216 pages2 hours

    Things I Learned From My Wife

    By Robert Brown

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    About this ebook

    The book wives and girlfriends have been waiting a thousand years to see. Finally, at long last, proof positive that men actually can, and indeed do, change after marriage. It may not be much and it may be slow, but it is possible.

    It is now clear that men can become civilized without harming their other charms and assets. Fun-loving and responsibility can reside within one man. Boyishness and maturity can occur on the same day, even within minutes of one another.

    Women will devour this book to discover the secrets of how men learn and grow; how they think—and don’t think. They will give the book to their men. The men will recognize themselves and, with a bit of luck, appreciate with delicious new awareness the vast wisdom of the fair sex.

    Men truly can become what women have always wanted them to be!

    Author Robert Brown is the standard issue male, with the same insensitivity and obliviousness as any other man, a perfect vehicle to understand the average husband. He has also written a dozen other books and has a Ph.D. in psychology.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRobert Brown
    Release dateMay 26, 2011
    ISBN9780983676805
    Things I Learned From My Wife
    Author

    Robert Brown

    Robert Brown is a Canadian ship modeler and warship enthusiast. His previous contributions to the ShipCraft series were the models sections of No 22 German Battlecruisers and the historical chapters of No 23 Rodney & Nelson.

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      Book preview

      Things I Learned From My Wife - Robert Brown

      Men and Women

      It’s a fact that men don’t understand women. We do everything else that can be imagined with them, worship, torment, ignore, embarrass, hurt, love, hate, adore; you name it, we do it. Usually we don’t know why. Most relationships men have with women are shoot-from-the-hip affairs. Whatever we do makes sense at the time, if not the next morning.

      Men are biologically driven to want only one thing. Once we get that thing, we’re satisfied for a time until we have the urge to get that one thing again. The thing we want doesn’t require much skill, or intelligence, grace, dignity, or much of anything except a willing partner, preferably a smooth skinned, curvaceous, red-lipped nymphomaniac, at least some of the time anyway.

      Women fit into a man’s understanding of the world as a convenience. A woman in the same room when he wants the one thing is better than a woman down the hall or across town. All the better if that woman also brings a tray full of snacks and a can of beer during the football game.

      Men also understand that there is a price to pay for this convenience, giving the woman the one thing she wants, commitment. Women are good at compromising, but commitment is what they want and what they hold out for and what many men finally agree to. Sociologists call this acceptance of commitment a civilizing force. This civilizing has been going on for a few thousand years and is beginning to take hold. Men ask women to marry them, and there are accounts of some men being happily married for decades, some up to 50, 60, even 70 years. However, the majority of these men usually admit the secret of a long marriage is to say, Yes, dear, a lot; that and enjoying a brandy at lunch.

      However, this making a commitment to get the one thing has a substantial cost for both parties. The reality is that men are promiscuous. This is a fact well known to everyone and has to be dealt with. That one thing men want is all around, in the next cubicle, at the latte stand, even living in the homes of male friends. Images abound, on TV, magazines, and the internet. Things didn’t used to be so easy. For a man a hundred and fifty years ago, making a commitment to get the one thing and moving to homestead in central Wyoming seemed like a good deal.

      There was still a lot of confused tension in those days. For tens of thousands of years, people all knew what sex was. Everyone lived in one room huts so the goings on of the adults was known by all. Barnyard animals were a laboratory of sex-ed. However, Darwin and the evolutionists began declaring that humans were directly related to monkeys. This riled up congregations of every sect. Women as a group rebelled against this degradation of what was supposed to be at best a spiritual act, at worst a sacred duty. Queen Victoria got into the fray and women’s fashions became a head to toe cover-up. The object of men’s quest was hidden from view. For a time men forgot about the one thing in the pursuit of just anything. A man was smitten by the mere glimpse of an ankle, well turned or not, it didn’t matter. Bare forearms led to immediate proposals.

      The chase has always been there, but in the last few years, the target has become clearer, the need for commitment less and, if a commitment is made, the ability to keep that commitment has dropped to historic lows. Today, a man making a commitment has to fight off the urge for that one thing every time he turns a corner.

      Women have it tough too. A recent marginally scientific poll discovered that 99.6 percent of wives want their husbands to be faithful. It also found that only 66.4 percent of wives expect their husbands to be faithful. That other 33.2 percent of wives are either extraordinarily understanding or are leaving a little wiggle room for their own wandering urges.

      Marriage is no picnic. The reason why men and women are the opposite sex has nothing to do with anatomy. Men and women are opposite because they see each other in totally opposite ways.

      A man looks at a woman and sees someone who can provide the one thing he wants. Once provided, he’s ready to move on. A woman looks at a man and sees someone who can give her the one thing she wants, a long-term relationship. Dating is basically an uneasy truce while both parties see how much has to be given up to get that one, opposite, thing.

      From a man’s point of view, marriage is a necessary evil. Before marriage, men have learned from trips to 7/11 that beer costs more when it is convenient than when it is not. They know going in that the convenience of marriage is going to cost something. Men do all they can to minimize the cost of convenience. But it is a rare man who has any clue what the eventual costs will be.

      Unconsciously, however, the mass of newly minted husbands make the same attempt at minimizing commitment and maximizing the chance of staying promiscuous. They define themselves as heads of households and women as subservient. Be the man means taking charge and being bossy, just like be a lady means delicacy, decorum and especially deferring. From shushing her except during commercials, to being the driver of the car, from asking her to bring another beer to rolling his eyes when she asks one more time if something makes her look fat, men keep women at arms length (until they want the one thing) and minimize falling into the morass of expectations that is intimacy.

      Men scoff at intimacy. Sure, we can buy flowers and candy, select a card, even diamond rings, but most of these acts are driven by the desire to meet the minimal obligations of commitment so as to keep the convenience.

      Woman have put up with this for centuries. Why women have put up with this is not known. It may be because men are the only alternative for creating a family. As science advances, it will be interesting to see how many female couples form and eventually use science to create a family. Men who want only one thing may be replaced by a woman who wants and provides more than one thing. Is there any hope?

      The big issue, the issue to end all issues, is whether or not a man can evolve, be trained, or somehow learn to want more than just the one thing. Can a man be interested in two things as much as he is in the one? Think about three other things? Once that is known, everything changes. To find out, we must take a closer look at this man, woman thing.

      We know that males of every species are bedeviled by ageless, biological drives, culminating in relentless pursuit of the female. Because human males are also in this endless pursuit, they define the goal, the woman, like a prize. Men’s drives motivate them to do all sorts of things to win favor. Once won, however, male biological drives offer little wisdom on what to do with what’s been caught. Chasing is one thing, holding on is another. In fact, in the animal world, once the male has attracted a female (one or more) most of his attention is focused on other males, attempting to guard the females against them.

      Women, on the other hand, at least to a degree, seem to understand men. Women define men as the less evolved half of the species, tending to youthful exuberance, charming goofs, a few amusements and, on occasion, a strong arm to snuggle against. Women understand that men are oversized children and accept that reality most of the time. They know that men are after only one thing, and like using judo, use this drive to nudge them this way and that to their satisfaction. Women hope for episodes of maturity and manage to get that some of the time. Trouble begins when they want the man and get the boy. And what’s wrong with that, men wonder. Why shouldn’t women be more playful, less serious, less reserved and more willing to just have some fun?

      Do the members of one sex know things the other doesn’t, but should? Are there important insights that should be shared? Is one sex right more often than the other? Can women be a civilizing influence, should they be and are they? Let’s take a close look at the ultimate relationship between men and women and see what we get.

      Love and Marriage

      At some point for most boy-girl relationships, the thought of marriage comes up. Enough good stuff has happened so each trusts that the other is the right other and the deed is done. However, love and marriage have not always gone together like a horse and carriage.

      It is only recently that love has been part of the equation of love and marriage. In the olden days, most marriages were available man, available woman, bingo, you’re married. Later, when there were choices, the father of the bride decided who got her.

      But, as they say, love conquers all. Somehow, the attraction of a man to a woman and a woman to a man provides enough sparks to start a fire.

      Love has been around long enough for some people to have studied it. They learned, for example, that great love has three defining characteristics, passion, intimacy, and commitment. A good marriage probably has two of these, a poor marriage only one, maybe none.

      What makes things complicated is that even when all three ingredients are there, they can be in the wrong proportion. For example, the husband may have significant passion and commitment, but very little intimacy, while the wife can have less passion and a greater need for intimacy. This can cause constant distress, sleepless nights, chronic headaches, frustration and a great deal of unhappiness.

      Another complication is that these three elements can change over time, growing and diminishing differently for each partner. The relationship can be euphoric for a long time, then fall into lengthening periods of separateness, sometimes leading to a divorce that no one understands.

      Those who study this end of a marriage, the break up, know it pretty well too. You’re more likely to end up in splitsville if your parents divorced, if you marry young, live together before deciding to marry or have a kid before the wedding. Chances are higher if there is a big age difference, different religions, different races, or if you skipped out of school early.

      To add injury to the insult of divorce, once divorced you’ll probably have more health problems, will be more likely to be depressed, drink more and smoke more and most likely die earlier too. Divorced men are twice as likely to commit suicide as married men. On the other hand, happily married women tend to have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol and are thinner than women who are single, divorced, widowed, or in an unhappy marriage.

      However, if you look hard enough you will discover a few lucky people who have found someone special, who makes them feel special, who they are passionate about, who make a total commitment and who enjoy all the pleasures of intimacy. These people become soul-mates, walking life’s road hand-in-hand, smiling at each other every day and telling each other every day how lucky they are.

      What happened is an almost magical change from the man and woman being of the opposite sex to them realizing that it doesn’t have to be either-or, but you and me, and eventually, to the state of being known as us. This is a profound lesson that too few men experience. The only way a husband can learn it is from his wife.

      It is a rare for an unattached man to be teachable. A man has to be in a relationship of convenience, so that there is an opportunity when he isn’t thinking of the one thing for his mind to be available to think of something else. Exactly when that happens, is hard to define. A good rule of thumb is if the man isn’t worried about when he can have the one thing he wants, he may have sufficient attention span to notice something else. When this occurs for any particular man is anyone’s guess.

      That’s why this book was written, to help a woman understand men enough to recognize those elusive few seconds when civilizing can occur; and for men to learn to pause for a moment to see if something else important is going on. For example, I remember a close woman friend bringing me toast on a beautiful hand-painted plate. I told her dismissively that I didn’t need such a fancy plate for a little toast and she said, Things you use everyday should be beautiful. I could have still dismissed her comment as just another girl thing, but I didn’t. She and I had a wonderful relationship where my attention could sometimes be led to things beyond convenience. Maybe she had a point. Until then, I thought plates were plates, something to hold food so it wouldn’t fall onto the floor. Things can be dull, utilitarian, and unobtrusive and that’s fine. Or, as I was beginning to learn, they can be beautiful, just like relationships can be

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