Until Now: My Walk with God... So Far

No one knows the author of this book like I do—except God.

He is a wonderful, creative, passionate God-follower who continues to shine despite the challenges of the gift God has given him: brain damage.

He really doesn’t have the ability to write a book; those of us who live with him know this.

Reading, writing, typing, and even expressing his thoughts are hard for him most of the time. Everyday life is a challenge, and he spends a lot of time hiding in the bedroom, trying to get the rest his brain needs.

Are you starting to get the picture? This book is inspired by God!

I watched Roland laugh and cry in awe as, in a matter of five days within a two-week period, God poured the words out of him into the microphone, where they were transcribed into type. He would say a sentence—or sometimes just half of one—and haltingly narrate the words as they were revealed to him. He was transfixed by the revelations God was showing him, many of which he did not even comprehend himself, until he went back to read the page he had just written. He would read them to the family, and then we would laugh and cry and praise God because we knew the beautiful, poetic words had to be coming from God himself.

The thoughts in this book are deep and challenging, and sometimes they may even seem offensive to you. They were spoken into and through a man who, though boldly unashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, is one of the most deeply caring people you will ever meet. Let me just say that the things that offend you are not from a heart that desires to hurt but from one who desires to bring you to the Healer!

My prayer is that as you learn to know Roland—this man I love—you will open your heart with outstretched hands and without fear to receive the invitation your Fiancé in heaven is sending you:

Come here, my bride. Don’t be afraid. Sit on my lap, lay your head on my shoulder, and allow the words of Truth to break down the lies within your heart and set you free!

—Jenny Filbrun

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Introduction

To you, the reader: welcome! Come on in and have a chair. May I get you a cup of coffee? It’s so good to have you with me on this journey, so make yourself comfortable and relax!

Now that I’ve gotten to the end of the process of writing this book, I will go back to the beginning to give you a few highlights of the journey I have just experienced. Never have I replayed so much of my life as the last couple of months have given me the opportunity to do. To say that I’m excited, overwhelmed, and dizzy with grace would be a few mild expressions of what I’ve felt as God has reviewed and summarized my life with him. You may have experienced a similar walk, or you may just be getting started. Regardless of where you’re at, I want to encourage you about the wonder and warn you of the potential dangers that lay ahead.

Imagine I were handing you a large box of fireworks for the first time. You had never experienced fireworks, and I was about to explain the gift I was giving. I would desire to share with you the extravagant awe and wonder these dangerous and explosive devices could create. If handled correctly and set off in the right conditions, these fireworks would give you an experience of beauty and power that you would remember for the rest of your life. Safe handling is a top priority with fireworks, so I would then want to explain the dangers of an accident and the harm and destruction you could encounter.

So it is with the story of my life. When God asked me to write a book, he showed me that it would be about the walk I have enjoyed with him so far. Over the next couple of months, he gave me many memories I would note in a sentence or two. These events were ordered in a chronological way, without any theme. I felt so lost on where to start and how all these little bullet points could even flow into any sort of story. As God loves to do, he worked out the impossible by only giving me little phrases to dictate that would then make sentences. The sentences turned into paragraphs, paragraphs to stories, and stories into a book.

It’s a potentially dangerous book…written by a very dangerous God into the life of a reckless son. Dangerous, you say? Why would you call God dangerous? Should I run from him? Is the potential beauty worth the risk?

That’s a choice that you, the reader, must make. Just like fireworks, you can hand the gift of an experience with God back to him and say, No, thank you. It’s just too dangerous. I want to preserve my life. Or you can take the wisdom of Jesus as he tells us, For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it (Mark 8:35 NKJV).

So as you get comfortable in your chair with a good cup of coffee, or whatever you choose to sip, and begin to explore my life with God, be prepared! In this book, God opens up some very core heart problems that all of us humans have. He called me to be absolutely exposed in my journey with him—and this exposure can be frightening to some and healing for others. I don’t know where you’ll find yourself in this journey. Just know that the experience of God can be an incredible display of beauty, majesty, redemption, and restoration that is far better than any fireworks you’ve ever experienced. Also know that if you attempt to protect, save, and preserve any of yourself, a very disastrous explosion potentially awaits you.

So once again, thanks for joining me! Now take your time; don’t rush the journey. Keep your eyes wide open and ears tuned for that whoosh, boom, and explosion of Light that sparkles and shimmers with the glory of the heavens as the joy and laughter of Papa rings within you.

1

Innocence Stripped

We all start in the garden.

That’s where our Creator designed it—a place that is perfect, innocent, and sublime. Each of us begins this journey of life in a place where we run wild and free—where there are no worries and no guilt. What a joy it would be to be a child again in a place and a time where we never have touched the wrong fruit…where there is no more running and hiding from True Love himself. It would be a place of innocent rest beyond anything we could imagine. That’s what our hearts really long for. We long to get to the end so we can experience the real beginning.

That’s who he is: Daddy. Papa. Abba. Awesome God. Mighty Ruler. King of Kings. Lord of Lords.

That’s who he is. He is that garden. He is that place. He’s the one that I long to run to, the one I want to share my most intimate thoughts with. He is the place of safety and rest that’s beyond anything my soul has ever tasted here.

Why is it that we soon forget the very one we long for? Why are knowledge and understanding and judgment so alluring to us? When will that tree be cut down forever and never again tantalize and entice our being to run from life and embrace death?

Well, somewhere in this spinning cacophony of thoughts and ideas resides a sovereign God. He is an absolute, totally independent from us Creator and Designer who had all this in his mind before he breathed the first creation of this universe into existence. This being, who is so utterly different than us, whose thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and whose ways and designs confound us—this is the one I want to write about.

It is this one who’s made the most impact on my life. This being of utter pleasure and joy, whose intimate touch reaches deep within my heart, has over time been restoring—little piece by little piece—the garden Roland destroyed.

You see, we all start here, at a place where good and evil isn’t something our thoughts, minds, and souls comprehend. We found ourselves in the midst of childhood sweetness and joy. Somewhere a serpent whispered, a new thought entered, and death crept into our very being.

Something felt wrong inside…something was different now. It was hard for us to put our finger on it. We didn’t like this new feeling—this place we suddenly found ourselves in.

Yet something in that fruit was so alluring, and we went back for more. As our lips surrounded the luscious sweetness of this forbiddance and as our tongues tasted the tantalizing drippings of the oozing of knowledge of power, and of a taste of what we thought it might be like to be God, our souls shrank inside.

Something in this poison was shrinking the very soul—the very being that actually dwelt within this body—yet we didn’t know the grayness and darkness that was surrounding us. We didn’t understand what this long journey back to life was really going to cost.

For me, the first time I distinctly remember tasting of that forbidden fruit was in third grade.

You see, often the temptation is actually to do good just as much as it is to do evil. This temptation to cover up our very evil with lots of good gets us into a tizzy of mixed-up emotions and to a point where the lies go so deep that there’s hardly any good way to go back.

Now let’s stop for a moment so I can paint a picture of where I was in life. I have two awesome parents, Darryl and Janet Filbrun, who God sent to teach me these simple truths. These parents cared well for us in the financial part of life. They often stretched their pennies with five children and a mother who spent her time at home caring for us. Each of us had a jar of lunch money that was refilled every week.

If I remember correctly, our school lunches cost us eighty-five cents, so the money was exact. If we took dollar bills in the early part of the week, the amount of change left in our personal jar was enough to buy lunch on Friday, so each day we brought our change home and stuck it in our jars. Now it just so happened that as you were going through line buying your lunch, you could upgrade the lunch with snacks like Little Debbies, Nutter Butters, and Ho Hos.

Every once in a while, Mother would allow us to buy snacks; these snacks cost fifteen cents apiece. As you can see, snack plus lunch equals the one-dollar bill. Well, this little boy was going through lunch line and looking down toward the end. He saw the Nutter Butters that he liked so well. An idea popped into his mind (whether this was the first time I do not know). A lie was formed and a plan was made, and I bit into the fruit that was forbidden.

That day when I got home, I had a story prepared. I didn’t have fifteen cents to put back in my jar, and I told my mother how a certain girl my mother knew didn’t have enough money to buy her lunch, so I had shared my fifteen cents with her.

As that lie slipped out of my lips, I can still remember the feeling of the shrinking soul dying inside of me.

That afternoon I was so uncomfortable that I began to doubt that my mother really believed the lie I’d given. I can still remember my dad arriving home from work. My brother Ryan and I were playing cars in the hallway on the wooden floor. We would often get down at each end and roll our matchbox cars back and forth and play all sorts of games, from crash up derbies to races. I was doing everything on the outside to add fun back into my life and replace this thing that was now gone, and it wasn’t working.

I can still see my dad standing above me as I sat on the floor and looked high up into his eyes as he asked me the same question my mother had. Where was the change from my lunch? Now my soul was in turmoil. Somehow they knew something was wrong. Why was Dad asking me this question? Was my plan not going to work?

Now I must stop for a moment again and praise God for the wisdom he gives parents at times they probably don’t even know. Neither my mother nor my dad accused me of lying. Yet somehow they knew—probably by the look on my face and the Spirit inside of them —that I wasn’t acting normal. Something smelled fishy about this whole scene. Dad left and went into the living room, where I remember him sitting in a chair reading a book.

And that’s where I found him when my soul finally reached the end of its turmoil.

I didn’t know that it was the God of the universe who was calling in the garden, Where are you, Roland? I want to walk with you today. Roland, where are you hiding? I had no idea that this one who is the Essence of Love himself wanted to restore the relationship I had just broken. No, I didn’t comprehend that I was being chased down, that I was being captured, that I was being saved by my very Creator Papa himself, yet deep inside what I did know was…I had to go tell the truth.

I was done playing cars. I was done trying to cover up. I had to go tell my dad, no matter what it cost me. Sitting in the chair, he watched me as tears flowed down my face and I repented and told him the whole story.

I don’t know every emotion that went across his face, but I can distinctly remember the tears that began to flow from his eyes. I could see the pain he was encountering because he knew the next steps that he must take. Sin had happened, death was being experienced, and consequences were now needed.

His hands trembled as he slipped the belt from off his waist and told me there was something he must do. He shared with me how deeply lying could hurt and that I must know a lesson that I could remember so I would not desire to lie again.

If God cries, heaven must have been flooded when he purposed to kick Adam and Eve out of the garden. The heavenly beings would have seen a side of God:

• that was perplexing,

• that was awesome,

• that was endearing,

• and that was frightening…all at the same time.

And he placed an angel there to guard the way to the tree of life.

I’m not sure who cried more that night, my dad or me, and I’m not sure that I was ever spanked as hard as that evening that I had lied. I was taught a lesson from God through my parents that is still seared deep into my heart today.

No, I didn’t know it was my heavenly Father who was sending me on a journey that would