That's Not What I Meant: Words that Hurt, Words that Heal
By Tim Stafford
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About this ebook
If you've ever been encouraged by a compliment or shamed by an insult, you know that words wield power.Tim Stafford offers simple, effective and biblical strategies for harnessing that power. You can change the way you feel, act, and relate. Learn to choose your words with care, say the right thing at the right time, avoid misunderstandings, and encourage others with words that penetrate.
Chapter Headings:
A Way to Change Your Life
Taking Inventory
Toxic Talk: Harsh Words and Lies
The Power of Praise
Conversational Junk Food: Flattery, Bragging and Gossip
Talking about Trouble
The Right Word at the Right Time
The Power of Words
Selected Scriptures on Words
That's Not What I Meant is practical and filled with personal stories. It explains Scriptural principles for action from the book of Proverbs, from James, and from the teachings of Jesus.
Tim Stafford
Tim Stafford is an award-winning author of more than thirty books, and co-editor of the NIV Student Bible. He wrote many of the notes for the NIV Student Bible, especially in the Old Testament portions. His most recent books include David and David's Son; A Gift: The Story of My Life; and Those Who Seek: A Novel. Tim and his wife, Popie, have three children and live in Santa Rosa, California.
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That's Not What I Meant - Tim Stafford
That’s Not What I Meant!
Words that Hurt, Words that Heal
by Tim Stafford
Copyright 2008 by Tim Stafford
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Contents
1. Introduction: Pictures of the Power of Words
2. Outside In: A Way to Change Your Life
3. Taking Inventory
4. Toxic Talk: Harsh Words and Lies
5. The Power of Praise
6. Conversational Junk Food: Flattery, Bragging, and Gossip
7. Talking about Trouble
8. The Right Word at the Right Time
9. The Power of Words
Appendix: Selected Scriptures on Words
1. Introduction: Pictures of the Power of Words
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.--Psalm 19:14
My mother was a great knitter. She never went to meetings without her ball of yam and a sweater-in- progress. At home she was forever holding up sections of a new work against my arms or chest or back, to see whether it would fit. Unfortunately, not all of her sweaters were triumphs. Often the size or shape or color was decidedly odd.
I do remember one outstanding success, however. When 1 was in the seventh grade, she produced a bright red cable knit sweater, very distinctive and attractive. I got it for Christmas and proudly wore it to school, where a boy noticed it and looked it over critically.
It looks like a girl’s sweater,
he said.
I never wore the sweater out of the house again.
* * * *
A quiet, introspective girl—let’s call her Martha—attended a large public high school outside Indianapolis. Martha’s shyness kept her from having very many friends. She got to her senior year in high school without ever having a date.
That fall a very popular girl, Julie, was assigned as her lab partner in chemistry. Julie thought Martha was nice, and invited her to a Halloween party. It was, Martha told her mother, her first party invitation since she was eight years old.
Martha was scared to death when she walked in the door of Julie’s home. She said hello to the people she knew, she drank a Coke, she listened in on several group conversations. In one corner of the living room was a group of boys, laughing uproariously. They would look around the room, talk in low voices, and then laugh. At one point Martha glanced over at them and saw that the whole group was looking straight at her. They burst into hilarious laughter, covering their mouths, doubling over. Martha looked the other way, blushing hard.
Later in the evening a boy she knew slightly sat down next to her on the sofa and asked how she knew Julie. They talked about school for a while, about teachers they had in common. Then Martha remembered that this boy, Rich, had been in the group that was laughing. She asked him what it had been about.
Rich colored slightly, hesitated, then told her that they had been playing a game where you look at people and try to say what animal they look like.
Oh,
she said. Like did you do Julie? What animal was she?
Julie is easy,
he said. A deer.
Which did seem right to Martha—those large, brown eyes.
Mark is a giraffe,
Rich said. Cheryl is a chipmunk.
He went on to tell her what animal five or six people had been paired with."
What about me?
Martha said, her heart in her throat. You did me. I saw you.
Sure,
he said. For a moment he paused. You’re a dog.
And he couldn’t help cracking up a little bit all over again.
When Martha got home that night, she looked in the mirror and saw, sure enough, just what he had said: a dog. A cocker spaniel, to be precise. Her blond-brown hair hanging down on each side, like a cocker’s ears. Her chinless mouth. She was mortified. For many years afterward she remained acutely self-conscious whenever she thought boys were looking at her. Often when she looked at herself in the mirror, she thought to herself, You’re a dog.
* * * *
Rob was laid off from his job in September. With three children to support and with house payments, he was soon in a panic. Sometimes he sat in the kitchen the whole day, afraid to go out and face the world.
When he had been out of work a month, his church got wind of his troubles and started providing meals. After three weeks, Ted dropped off a spaghetti dinner and sat awhile, talking with Rob about his situation. Then, after a pause, Ted cleared his throat.
This may sound strange,
he said, "because I know from your angle it’s hard to see how you’re going to get through this. But I am quite sure that you are going to get a job, probably a good job. I don’t know when and I don’t know where. But I know you are a good, hard worker, the kind of guy people want to hire. I know you are looking hard for work. And I know that God loves you and will take care of you.
Someday you’re going to be looking back on this time, and you’ll be able to see as clear as daylight that God was watching over you."
Rob wasn’t all that moved at the time, but the words stuck with him. He knew Ted meant what he said, and that Ted was no fool. Ted’s encouragement made a subtle but substantial difference in Rob’s attitude. The feeling of panic dissipated. He figured Ted was probably right: he would get a job if he kept looking. Which, in fact, is exactly what happened.
He often thought of Ted’s words in later years when other friends of his were going through hard times, or when his own kids graduated from school and were looking for work. A few times, when he felt it was appropriate, he passed on a version of Ted’s encouragement.
Actually, Ted’s words—backed by his character—made quite a difference in Rob’s life. They helped him through a difficult passage, and more basically, they helped him develop a different, more fundamentally optimistic view of hard times. Though he went through other distressing periods in his life, he was never again so scared.
* * * *
When my wife Popie was in the sixth grade, she was a member of the popular crowd. Every Friday night she and her friends gathered at the country club to drink Pepsis and do the twist. Popie led the list of girls to be called before school to see what everyone was wearing.
One day her teacher asked her to stay after school. When they were alone she asked Popie if she had ever heard of India’s caste system. Popie said no, so her teacher explained it to her. She drew a little sketch on the blackboard, explaining that a Brahmin, in the top caste, could not even allow an Untouchable’s shadow to fall on him.
You and your friends,
the teacher said thoughtfully, remind me of those Brahmins.
Popie did not cry. She did not even let the teacher know how those words affected her. But they did, deeply. She was shocked. She had never realized the ugly meaning of the word exclusive.
She had never thought about the way she and her friends affected those who didn’t belong to the popular crowd.
Strange to say, that brief conversation changed Popie’s life. She became one of the most inclusive persons I have ever met. Thirty years later Popie could remember her teacher’s words as though they were spoken yesterday.
* * * *
Mark and Robin married when they were both in their thirties. It was his first marriage, her second. Their conflicts began over work schedules. Mark was used to working long hours. His work also required travel. Robin, however, often felt neglected. She told Mark once that he should have married his work instead of her. Mark tried to be reasonable, but he had a hard time taking her complaints seriously.
At Robin’s insistence they went to a marriage counselor. It was in the counselor’s office that they had their worst fight ever. Robin actually screamed at Mark. It was all he could do to stay calm and not yell back.
Then, near the end of the session, the counselor asked Robin what she wanted to do. Did she want to continue with more counseling?
I want a divorce!
Robin said.
Until then Mark had thought he was having a stressful quarrel with his wife. But with that one word, autumn changed to winter. Mark didn’t want a divorce. Robin said, the next day, that she didn’t either. But Mark could never wholly put aside that moment of revelation, when he had seen that she did not hold their marriage sacred. She was willing to toss him aside, he thought, just like her first husband. He couldn’t shake that thought. Mark became more self-protective, less willing to give in. He began to consciously look out for his own interests.
They were divorced about a year later.
They had their problems, and it would have been hard to mend them. They needed help. Instead they got gutted by a word used carelessly: divorce.
* * * *
Words are very powerful. Many people, if they take time, can think of wise words from a teacher, a parent, or a friend that made a great impact on their direction in life. Many people can spotlight an encouraging word that lifted them at a very low time. Many people can also remember some searing knife of a word, the memory of which brings blushing shame even today, years later.
Words can hurt. Words can heal. Therefore it is of the utmost importance that we pay attention to our words—not merely the words we intend but also those that slip out when we are not paying attention.
2. Outside In: A Way to Change Your Life
From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things, as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.--Proverbs 12:14
Our words matter. The book of Genesis portrays God’s creating the world by speaking. In a related way we humans create the world we live in through our words. The way we talk to each other makes a world full of love and security, or a world of bitterness and anxiety.
Take a married couple. The man doesn’t