The Mental and Emotional Tool Kit

The

Mental and Emotional

Tool Kit

Ray Mathis

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Ray Mathis

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Tool #3 Developing an Internal Locus of Control

Chapter 2 Tool #2 Having Unconditional Self and Other Acceptance

Chapter 3 Tool #1 Understanding the Role Emotion Plays in Everyday Life

Chapter 4 Tool #4 Recognizing Irrational Thinking in Ourselves and Others

Chapter 5 Tool #5 Correcting Irrational Thinking

Chapter 6 Tool #6 A Step-by-step approach to life events

Chapter 7 Tool #7 Asserting Yourself with I Messages

Chapter 8 Tool #8 To Recognize when you and others have Mistaken Goals

Chapter 9 Tool #9 Evaluating Thoughts, Feelings and Actions

Chapter 10 Tool #10 Understanding why change is hard, what it takes

Summary

About the Author

Acknowledgements

Introduction

I'll get to the point quickly. Here are some things I will teach you. if you give the chance.

I promise to teach you how to have REAL power in your life. Real power is not getting angry and telling someone off. Real power is being able to choose if you're going to get upset or not, and if you choose to, how upset you are going to get, and how long you're going to stay that way.

I promise to teach you how to feel the way you've always wanted to feel, rather than be at the mercy of what others say and do, or what happens.

I promise to teach you how to feel as good as is humanly possible, no matter what happens to you. Some people have to deal with a lot more stuff than others. I can't do much about that. However, I can teach you how to feel as good as possible regardless of what happens, or has.

If you currently do anything that is unhealthy or self-defeating, and struggle to stop, I'll teach you how to free yourself to do that.

I'll teach you how to keep people out of your head. That may seem impossible at this moment, but if you practice what I tell you to, you can get pretty good at it.

No one ever has complete control over their destiny, and too many people give away control without realizing it. I'll teach you how to have more control over your own destiny than you've ever had, and your best shot at having the kind of life you've always wanted.

Finally, I'll teach you to smarter than the vast majority of people walking this planet in some very important ways. Most people live their lives based on a big lie, and don't even realize it, and often suffer needlessly because of it. I'm going to teach you the scientific truth about how your feelings come about.

I'm going to teach you ten tools that are easy to learn. Think of yourself like an apprentice carpenter, plumber or electrician. I'm going to give you a tool kit, but you'll have to practice using them to get good at doing so. There's an old saying in the building trades: Any job is easy if you use the right tool. That is true when trying to fix anything that's broken, and build something better in everyday life as well.

If you let me, I can be the equivalent of your mental and emotional strength coach, fitness instructor, or karate instructor. I can't do the workouts needed to get stronger mentally and emotionally for you, but I can show you what you need to do. I can't earn a mental and emotional black belt for you, but I can teach you the moves you need to defend yourself against any attack.

When I have some problem (I don't like that word), or someone I care about does, I reach into my head, and from practice, usually know which tool to reach for and how to use it to fix whatever is broken, and build something better for myself or them. Just like I might with a real tool kit around my house. That's why I call what I'm going to teach you "A Mental and Emotional Tool Kit for Life.

I'm going to start you off with Tool #3. Normally, it's Chapter 3. However, in order to make a believer out of you right away, I'm going to make Tool #3 Chapter 1.

Chapter 1

Tool #3: Developing an Internal Locus of Control

Why it’s important

One of the most important factors in determining how much emotion we generate is the type of locus of control we have. Locus of control means where we see our feelings coming from, and what we see as the cause of them.

Most people have an external or outer locus of control. If we listen to the way people talk about their feelings, we routinely hear comments like He really makes me mad, She really hurt my feelings, They always make me feel so guilty, They’re always putting pressure on me, He makes me nervous and That’s so depressing. Parents and teachers often say, These kids are driving me crazy. The implication is that what others say and do, and what happens, somehow makes them feel the way they do. Figure 1.1 below shows how that relationship could be portrayed visually.

Figure 1.1

If we tried to come up with a formula to depict how most people see their feelings coming about, it would probably be something like EVENTS = FEELINGS.

It is perfectly understandable that people would believe that events in their lives cause their feelings. There is usually so very little time between something happening and experiencing a feeling that it's understandable that people would conclude the events of their lives, what others say and do, and what happens, makes them feel the way they do. Sometimes people even get angry about something someone else is saying before that person even finishes their sentence because they have heard it many times before. That makes it hard for people to imagine that there could be any intervening variable. People understandably conclude that the event must cause their feeling. It’s also understandable because the vast majority of people around them openly blame how they feel on what happens and what others say and do for how they feel.

The Problems with an External LOC

The problem with having an external locus of control is that people make how they feel depend on other people and events in their lives that they have little or no control over. It seems like other people and the events of their lives can make them feel bad and there is nothing they can do about it. People can start to feel like victims who are at the mercy of other people and the events of their lives. By setting things up in their mind this way, it means other people or the events of their lives must change for the better in some way for them to feel better. The problem is, what if they never do? For example, if a teenager believes his father’s drinking is what makes him feel bad, what if his father never stops drinking? Does that mean he is doomed to feel bad forever? If teachers or parents think their students or children drive them crazy, thst means that their students or children must start behaving better so they can feel less crazy. Again, what if they never do?

At some point, people may start to believe others and the events of their lives are never going to change for the better, and therefore, they are never going to feel better. That is never a good place to end up. The end result of having an external locus of control is that people feel worse than they need to, for longer than necessary. More importantly, they miss many good opportunities to feel better.

The formula for feelings

The good news is that it is really not what others say or do, or what happens that makes people feel the way they do. The formula for feelings is:

EVENT + THOUGHTS = FEELINGS

Anything that others say or do, or that happens, is technically just an event in peoples’ lives. A word of caution: there's a science to this, and an art to it. The science is that there's only one place what happens to people can go in the formula. That's under event. However, I would never tell someone, It's just an event, so if you've had significant losses or traumatic events in your life, this discussion is not intended to be dismissive or discounting of such life events.

People generate thoughts all the time in response to what happens, to what others say and do, to the events of their lives. Doing so is a survival function. Peoples brains are always trying to assess whether what happens is a threat or not, and how big a threat something might be. It is the thoughts people generate about what others say and do, or what happens, that really determine how people end up feeling, including whether they plug into their fight or flight responses. Thoughts cause feelings, not event.

The formula for feelings is just like that algebraic formula everyone learns in math classes as they go through school.

a + b = c

Where a is a constant, and b is a variable. If a stays the same, and you change b, c changes. Likewise, if an event stays the same, and people change their thoughts about it, their feelings change. Sometimes they change for the better. Other times, they change for the worse. It depends on what they end up thinking.

An example of this is when people attend a funeral of a friend or loved one. There are times when people are crying profusely, times when they are laughing, and times when they are somewhere in between. The event doesn’t change. What does? What they are thinking at any given moment.

How people deal with a loss as time passes also can also be explained by this formula. Some seem to get past such a loss quicker than others. That is often simply because they stop thinking about it as much as they did at first. Some are able to do that simply because they are so busy with their daily life, and there are not as many reminders of the lost loved one during their day as there are for others. Others find ways to think about or look at what happened that brings them comfort. For example, it's common to hear people say things like, At least they didn’t suffer or They are in a better place now. Some may struggle though because they do have more reminders in their daily life, and still look at their loss the same way they did when it first happened. Taking any of these paths is understandable and part of being human. Some just make it easier to deal with a loss, and others harder. Some just cause some people to generate more emotion, and others less.

Most people are already aware that there is a connection between the way people think and how they end up feeling. They know from a lifetime of experience that when people think or look at things certain ways, they feel better or worse than when they think or look at thing others ways. If we give them a pair of thoughts, they can usually accurately predict which thought would cause someone to feel worse. For example, which of the following two thoughts would make someone angrier?

a) How dare they talk to me like that

b) Unfortunately, they can talk to me any way they want to

a) They can’t get away with something like that

b) Sometimes people do get away with thing

a) It’s really awful that they did something like that

b) I don’t like it, but it’s not that big a deal

a) I don’t like when people talk to me like that

b) I cannot stand when people talk to me like that

a) No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes

b) He’s an idiot for doing that

If you're like the students I had in my classes, you would probably have no trouble picking which thought would cause someone to get angrier. The connection between thoughts and feelings is just not normally crystal clear to people. Part of the reason is that so many people around them have an external locus of control and talk as if events, and what other people say and do actually cause how they feel. This only clouds peoples’ perception of what is really going on. The purpose of this discussion is to bring that connection between thoughts and feelings into sharp focus.

Young people are taught all kinds of formulas that accurately depict the way the world and life works in math, science and even English classes throughout their school careers. Unfortunately, they are never really taught one of the most basic formulas of life, one that governs every moment of our lives:

EVENT + THOUGHTS = FEELINGS.

Students can go through twelve years of elementary, middle and high school, and another four years of college, and perhaps even graduate school and a doctoral program without ever being formally taught this formula. I know I did. It's a formula that schools should be teaching young people as early as they can, and reminding them of throughout their school careers. This formula would make a perfect subject for a poster hanging on a classroom wall.

Behavior is the tip of the iceberg

In Chapter 3 (which would normally be chapter 1), I suggest that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, and that an iceberg is a great metaphor for the human mind because so much of what goes on in one is below the surface. I also suggest that for most people, there is a great deal of unexplored territory beneath the surface, for both how their own minds work, and the minds of others around them work. In chapter 3, the unexplored territory will filled in with mistaken goals and a dysfunctional amount of emotion. For now, let me just say that, thoughts and attitudes, or the beliefs people have about what happens, themselves, others and life, are the key to everything. Thoughts cause feelings, not events and Attitude is the father of behavior. And, that's always true. No one ever feels, says or does something without thinking something first.

Figure 1.2

See Figure 1.2 above. Here’s how life really plays out. An event occurs. Sometimes that is followed by imagined events. However, it is the thoughts and attitudes people generate in response to the real or imagined events, and about themselves, others and life that ultimately determine their feelings and behavior. Thoughts cause feelings, not events. Attitude is always the father of behavior. Sometimes those thoughts, attitudes and beliefs give rise to a dysfunctional amount of emotion and simultaneously (for all practical purposes) mistaken goals, which in turn both often give rise to irrational behavior that makes peoples lives worse in some way instead of better. Sometimes that behavior creates for them what people might describe as a problem, i.e. addiction, an alcohol-related accident or unplanned pregnancy,

The ABC Theory of Emotions

Dr. Albert Ellis (please see acknowledgements at the end of the book) developed the ABC Theory of Emotions to explain how feelings come about. The A stands for Activating Event, what someone else said or did, or what happened. The A can also stand for Adversity, something someone doesn't like having happen to them.. B stands for the Beliefs people have about the Activating Event, and themselves, others, and life that cause them to feel the way they do, and ultimately do what they do. Dr. Ellis referred to them as automatic irrational beliefs because they are typically so well rehearsed and practiced, and they make peoples lives worse instead of better.

A = Activating Event

B = Beliefs

C = Consequences (feel, do)

The C stands for Consequences. What people feel and do is a consequence of what they believe about the Activating Event, or themselves, others and life. Using these terms, the formula would be:

Activating Event + Beliefs = Consequences (feel, do)

Figure 1.3 below portrays the real relationship between events and feelings. Events can be real or imagined. However, it is the thoughts people generate about their real or imagined events that really determine how they end up feeling.

Figure 1.3

Imagined events are important because anxiety is a figment of imagination. It is about things that have not happened yet, and often never do or will. As will be noted in Chapter 3, when people experience anxiety disorders, it is because they spend too much time in their imagination instead of dealing with the here and now.

Here is an example of how imagined events come into play.. A teenage girl and boy get into an argument. The real event is that they argue, and exchange many comments. The imagined events for the girl might be that he will break up with her and go out with another girl instead. However, it is still the thoughts she has in response to the real or imagined events that will determine how she feels. For example, if she thought, I’m so tired of it always having to be his way. I can’t stand arguing with him all the time, she might even be relieved at the prospect of a breakup. However, if she instead thought, I’ll just die if he breaks up with me. I need to be with him. I couldn’t stand seeing him with someone else, she will probably generate intense anxiety over a possible break up, and try to do anything to avoid it. The intense anxiety might even cause her to do things that are not in her best interest in the long run.

We can even make ourselves angry about something needlessly by imagining things. For example, if you imagined that someone is spreading a rumor about you, and that others will believe it, think badly of you, and not want to be friends anymore. Imagining such things is understandable, and part of being human. However, there's two points that need to be made. First, is it possible that you could imagine that, and it never even happened, and never will? The point being that other people are responsible for what they actually say or