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Christian Zombie: A Tale of Sin and Redemption

Christian Zombie: A Tale of Sin and Redemption

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Christian Zombie: A Tale of Sin and Redemption

136 pagine
2 ore
Sep 29, 2012


Christian Zombie takes us on a sensuous journey of death, destruction, and debauchery, starting in the Peruvian Amazon jungle and ending on a sidewalk outside God’s Plan Ministries Temple in west Omaha, with amazing stops along the way—Belize during spring break, cemeteries in Oklahoma City and Denver, Hair of the Dog Saloon—but finally, when exhausted by the nightly Ghost Train rides and Zombie Jamborees that ensue, to the God’s Plan Ministries Temple in Omaha, Nebraska. Our hero is analytical throughout this amazing allegorical journal, telling us not only what happens to him, and others, but also why these events occur, starting with a Secular Humanist Virus infection, acquired during his bat stage from a scientist working in the tropics, and ending with his decisions to abandon both the wolf pack and, eventually, the telemarketing firm where he spent his days in cubicle hell prior to accepting Jesus as his personal savior and joining GPMT as a zombie witness for Christ.

Sep 29, 2012

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Christian Zombie - Jr John Janovy


John Janovy, Jr.

Copyright © 2012 by John Janovy, Jr.

Smashwords Edition


This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. Quite frankly, it’s not very expensive, given the rather interesting and downright challenging information you’ll gain access to by purchasing the whole thing. And if you’re reading this book and did not buy it, or it was not bought for your use only, then you should return to and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s copyrighted work.

ISBN: 9781301053704

Cover design by John Janovy, Jr.


Table of Contents:


1. A Bat out of Hell

2. The Virus

3. Mistaken Bites

4. Transformation I

5. Raw Meat: An Assessment

6. Running with the Pack

7. Transformation II

8. Zombie Jamboree

9. Terminal Boredom

10. Finding Jesus

Additional religious and paranormal writings


Return to Table of Contents


I’ll warn you, like no zombie ever did, that in the next few pages you will be reading about events and circumstances that will make you wonder whether you’re being told the truth, or just some monumental lie. I can assure you that everything I’m revealing is absolutely true, right down to the last word. You may have some sense, maybe from the movies, or teen paranormal fiction you might be scanning in a bookstore somewhere, of what vampires, werewolves, and zombies are all about, where they come from, what they do, how they manage their multi-faceted lives. Well, get ready to be both surprised and educated because most of that movie stuff is simply. . . movie stuff; make believe; total fiction. There are a few things about movie creatures that are valid, however, and I’m thinking now of teeth, mainly, and claws, although with zombies there is the issue of skin and clothing, which the entertainment industry pretty much has correct. So my advice is to sit back, relax, and view this narrative as an allegorical journey, although to be really honest, there was nothing allegorical about it. My trip from the deepest Amazonian jungles to the God’s Plan Ministries Temple in west Omaha is the literal truth.

You probably also have a sense from the movies that the lives, if you want to call it that, of vampires, werewolves, and zombies are filled with sex and violence. That part is fairly accurate, although to be really honest, so are the lives of regular people, especially if they watch television. I’m not what you would call a prude, especially after having lived through the experiences as told in the next few pages, but I do have some respect for my readers’ sensitivities, thus have sanitized the following narrative somewhat. In general, I’ve tried to keep the debauchery and killing below that what you’d see during a couple of evenings of prime time basic cable television. Such typical American viewing includes commercials, of course, and to be completely honest, a lot of them, especially movie trailers and those for hair-care products, contain more R-rated content than regular programming. So my rule, when telling my story, was: sex and violence descriptions must be at or below what you’d see on basic cable, no premium channels, in prime time. I believe that I succeeded in satisfying this rule regardless of what you end up reading, or, for that matter, what you believe was in my mind as I wrote those parts.

As you can probably tell from the table of contents, I did not start out as a zombie, so you need some introduction and backstory before this encounter with Christ will even begin to make sense, especially if you’re still alive and somewhat healthy, in trouble, and looking for help. Most people would never pick up a book about finding Jesus unless they have problems that need a higher power, and finally realize it. So please read on and be patient. In fact, if you’re doing this online, as an e-book, you really need to buy the whole book instead of just checking out the sample, because the redemption part is toward the end, as it needed to be. The extent of that redemption, and its speed, as well as what it could mean to you personally, is really remarkable. If you can find Christ, and believe that He also stands by you, even after your symbolic journey through the states of vampire, werewolf, and zombie, then anyone can, and everyone should, accept Him as their personal Savior. So if you’re in trouble now, my friend, buy this book. Trust me; it will change your life forever.

What I’m calling trouble is what most of you would call sin. There are many kinds of sin, and just as many kinds of trouble. You may find it strange that a zombie would be lecturing you on such matters, but I’m doing it anyway, and happy to be engaged in your life in a positive way. So let’s see if we can resolve some of those issues and get you on the path to salvation, starting now. You all probably know that there are sins of omission and sins of commission. When you fail to do something you should have done, that’s a sin of omission. When you perform an act that violates one of the Ten Commandments, that’s a sin of commission, something you actually did to make the world a worse place in which to live. Most of my sins were ones of commission; that’s what vampires and werewolves do—they bite, kill, drink blood, and eat every kind of flesh proscribed by the Bible. Zombie sin is a little more difficult to describe; zombies don’t actually do anything but just stumble around and scare people, although in their own dark worlds, there is a lot, and I mean a whole lot, of drinking, gluttony, and sex, all of which many people, especially in places like Oklahoma, believe are sinful.

I’m an expert in the subject of evil, but I don’t even come close to being as truly evil as some of you have been, and you all know the names. My evil was all pretty innocent, and very much in character. Well, maybe the werewolf episode out in Walter Fergins’ milo field was not so innocent. You see, before I was a zombie, I was a werewolf, and before that I was a vampire, not one of your movie teen-thriller almost-kiss kinds of vampires, but a real one. A bat that bit folks, slurped up blood, and transformed back and forth between a bat and a nice-looking, tall, dark, guy, dressed all in black. That kind of a vampire. It’s not all that clear that the vampire phase was truly a life of sin, but nowadays I’d certainly consider it so. Most of what I did gave people some pleasure, even sensual pleasure, but I had to kill a few humans in the process, so I guess that involved violation of one of The Ten Commandments.

Then I was a werewolf. Trust me, there are more kinds of werewolves than most people realize, and most of those kinds are pretty stupid and harmless, mainly because they’re living somewhere deep in the woods all by themselves and eating everything from toads to baby deer, beautiful little fawns ripped and chewed to shreds by some hungry semi-canine. In between the wolf phases, they’re just dirty swamp guys. It’s only after they go urban that they turn into the suave and debonair types you read about in stories. That’s when they get really dangerous. So I’m going to walk you through the bat and werewolf phases just so you’ll understand what a relief it is to be a zombie who’s finally accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior. Or, sometimes it’s as his personal savior. Listen, if you can change from a bat into a sloth or anything else you darn well please, and into a wolf as the occasion demands, then gender is not an issue. So if you’re among those so-called Christians who don’t understand the biology of sex, I say get over it. This is a story about a life of sin followed by redemption, and sin is a cross-cultural, cross-gender, phenomenon.

Also, I would greatly appreciate it if you’d actually buy this book instead of just sampling the first 15%. $2.99 is not much to pay for this kind of a story, especially because of all the insider information it contains. Insider information? you might ask; what kind of insider information could I, or need I, obtain from a vampire, a werewolf, or a zombie? Well, folks, I’ll tell you what kind: motivations and causes, the stuff you never get from so-called paranormal romance or similar genres. I can’t believe there would be any vampire movie in which a bat tells the audience why he or she did something, or actually divulged his or her analysis of the victims. And I can truly assure you that nowhere else in the popular, or even scholarly, literature on vampires, werewolves, and zombies are you going to find one that eventually accepts Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior. So that final acceptance is worth $2.99, and for some of you, it will be worth a whole lot more.

Thanks in advance for your generosity, your curiosity, and for sticking with me through this story. See you in church.

The Christian Zombie

October, 2012


Return to Table of Contents

1. A Bat out of Hell

As indicated in the introduction, I’m giving you the whole story, the whole, miserable, at times quite bloody, tale, starting with the bat part. Trust me, everything will make sense at the end if we start at the beginning and I walk you through the whole thing. Maybe walk is the wrong word; let’s try fly and bite, as in vampire, run and rip, as in werewolf, and stumble and grab, as in zombie. This journey is one I hope none of you ever have to experience, except for the last part, of course, the finding, and final acceptance, of Jesus.

I really don’t know why I have this feeling that maybe you won’t really understand what it means for a person like me to accept Jesus Christ as his/her/its personal savior without knowing my whole story. Wait, make that person, in quotes. I’ve never really been what any of you would actually call a person. But just because I’ve never been one of you, regardless of how much of your blood I’ve eaten, or drunk, sort of depending on the state of life, death, or decay, that doesn’t mean I can’t accept Jesus and be saved, right? Of course I’m right; Jesus saved lepers, and I can tell you that being a leper is a whole lot worse than being a vampire or a werewolf, or even a zombie. People pay good money to see movies about vampires, werewolves, and zombies. Nobody ever paid any money to see a leper, or even to be in the same room as one.

Kids, especially, really seem to love zombies, but from having been one, I’m darned hard pressed to figure out why. Maybe they think zombies are frightening, and kids like scary things. But zombies are nothing compared to werewolves. I guess that so long as all these wonderful creature-types are in the movies, they’re okay, as entertainment, but trust me, you don’t really want to mess around with werewolves. And speaking of

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