Eternal Joy: Volume III — Married Life and Shalom Bayis

Eternal Joy — Volume III — Married Life and Shalom Bayis

A Guide to Shidduchim and Marriage

Based on the Teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe,

Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson

by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg

Published by Sichos In English

Eternal Joy — Volume III — Married Life and Shalom Bayis

Published by Sichos In English at Smashwords

Copyright 2000 Sichos In English

by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg

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788 Eastern Parkway - Brooklyn, N.Y. 11213

5761 - 2001

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ISBN 978-1-4660-6885-8

Chapter 1: Foreword

B"H

With heartfelt gratitude to G-d, we hereby present the third and concluding volume of Eternal Joy, a Guide to Shidduchim & Marriage, based on the Rebbe’s teachings.

The present volume encompasses the Rebbe’s directives and advice concerning matters that are relevant to married life — with emphasis on those matters that ensue during the first year of marriage — and Shalom Bayis: peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife.

The Rebbe has spoken about the issues of marriage and Shalom Bayis in many farbrengens (public gatherings), and has responded to the questions asked of him by numerous individuals in his Igros Kodesh, as well as in personal responses during Yechidus (personal audiences) and through his secretariat.

By studying these sources, it is possible to appreciate some of the fundamental elements of the Rebbe’s approach to married life and Shalom Bayis.

As we have done in the first two volumes, in this volume as well we have collected¹ and translated selections from a variety of the Rebbe’s letters, sichos, and personal responses regarding married life and Shalom Bayis.

It is worth reiterating the caveat stated in each of the Forewords to the first two volumes of this collection:

Firstly, the collection and the translation are our own; it is not a guide to marriage and Shalom Bayis authored or edited by the Rebbe.

Secondly, it is not all-encompassing. There certainly is considerably more material from the Rebbe regarding married life and Shalom Bayis than has been collected here.

And finally, while the Rebbe’s public directives pertain to all, it is entirely possible that the personal advice the Rebbe gave one individual may not be appropriate for another. Moreover, some of the responses to individuals are not necessarily the Rebbe’s final word on the matter.

What we have done to try to resolve this latter difficulty is to quote a variety of letters and sichos, even though some may appear different from others. The dates or sources cited may be of benefit in discerning the Rebbe’s later responses. So, too, by noting that numerous answers are in the same vein, we have an indication of the Rebbe’s general approach to a specific issue or matter.

Nevertheless, it must be borne in mind that the Rebbe’s answer to one individual does not necessarily apply at all to another, as the Rebbe has pointed out on a number of occasions. To quote but two:

"I have already expressed — and have done so numerous times: My answer to one individual does not constitute a directive — it doesn’t even constitute a response — to a second individual.²

On another occasion the Rebbe writes:

"It is patently obvious that a directive to an individual does not serve at all as a directive to the multitude, even when the issues are the same. This is particularly so when this is written as a private letter to him.

"For most often this depends on the conditions of the life of that individual, his personality and temperament, the possibilities that exist for him concerning that which he wrote [to me about] in his letter, and more, and more [reasons, not enumerated here]."³

In instances of doubt, etc., one would therefore do well to remember the Rebbe’s exhortations to "ask one’s mashpia or rav and seek the counsel of wise and discerning good friends."

May the marriages that are currently taking place herald and hasten the coming of the ultimate marriage celebration, the marriage and supreme union of G-d and the Jewish people.

As the Rebbe states: The marriage of every couple … is connected to the ultimate marriage between G-d and the Jewish people that will be consummated in the Era of Redemption.⁴

And at that time, We will again meet with the Rebbe on this earthly plane, and he shall redeem us.⁵

To conclude on a personal note:

This Sefer is dedicated to my very dear friend and long-time Torah study partner, Mr. Neil N. Sosland, and his esteemed wife Blanche. Their beautiful marriage is a sterling example of true Shalom Bayis.

May G-d continue to grant them much nachas from all their wonderful children and grandchildren, and many, many more happy and healthy years together.

Sholom B. Wineberg

Overland Park, Kansas

Chof-Ches Shvat, 5761

Chapter 2: Sustaining the Spirituality of Marriage

Marriage as an Eternal Edifice Is Attained

Specifically Through Attachment

To the Moshe of the Generation

In one of the maamarim⁶ that my father-in-law, the Rebbe, presented to be learned on the second of Nissan, the day of his father’s passing, he [i.e., the Rebbe] explains the verse (at the beginning of our Torah portion), And you (Moshe) shall command the children of Israel and they shall bring you pure olive oil ... to keep a constant lamp burning.

[The Rebbe asks:] On the face of it, it is extremely difficult to understand how it is possible for light — an entity that is but an illumination [of its source] — to contain within it the constancy [of burning without cessation], something that relates only to [its source,] the luminary.

He explains that this is the novelty of And you [Moshe] shall command, that Moshe possesses the capacity to command and connect all Jews (with G-d) ... at which time there is revealed even within a lamp — a mere illumination — the essential power [of the luminary]. Consequently, the illumination as well is constantly attached to the eternality of the Ein Sof.

The Rebbe concludes that "the assistance in achieving this matter [of a degree of permanence and eternality] is through one’s connection and bond (hiskashrus) with the rank of Moshe, the heads and leaders of the Jewish people [of each generation], the extension of Moshe.

The above is critical as well with regard to building a house in Israel, an eternal edifice.

... The ability for a particular house in Israel to contain the [limitless] aspect of immutability, which is the quality of an eternal edifice, results from Moshe.

Thus, the assistance in obtaining this matter is through connecting and bonding (hiskashrus) with Moshe, i.e., the extension of Moshe in each and every generation.⁷

(Toras Menachem — Hisvaaduyos, Vol. II, p. 251)⁸

Increasing One’s Torah and Mitzvos

... I surely need not draw your attention to the fact that specifically after the wedding, one is to intensify his Torah and mitzvos. For on the wedding day there is granted from Above the ability to succeed to an even greater degree in the study of Torah and the performance of mitzvos.

Since this [additional ability] is granted from Above, it is surely for the express purpose that it be properly utilized in the fullest measure possible.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIV, p. 509)

Torah Study

Husband and Wife Studying Torah Together

... The custom of our generation is that chassan and kallah study Torah together, {after their marriage, at which time there is no affront to tznius}, which is to say, that they connect the "sound of chassan and kallah with the sound of Torah — up to and including the five voices of Torah.

(Hisvaaduyos 5752, Vol. II, p. 398)⁹

Clearly it is worthwhile for you to establish set times of Torah study together with your wife tichye in those matters that are consonant with that which the Alter Rebbe states at the conclusion of the first chapter of Hilchos Talmud Torah.

I wonder why you even [felt the need to] ask this question.

(Heichal Menachem, Vol. III, p. 188)

A Period of Time Immediately After Marriage

Should Be Dedicated Exclusively to Torah Study

Following marriage, when one is obligated by the Torah to also occupy oneself in earning a living, it is still necessary to have established times for Torah study; moreover, to do so in a manner of Set a fixed time for your Torah study¹⁰ — fixed in one’s soul.¹¹

Furthermore, the foundation and basis of married life should be such that the individual occupies himself full-time in Torah study for a set amount of time.…

... When the foundation of married life is in the above manner, this will have a most positive effect on one’s entire future life — for many long and good years — both with regard to one’s spiritual matters (Divine service, Torah study and performance of mitzvos), as well as with regard to one’s material matters (earning a living and the like). ...

(Hisvaaduyos 5746, Vol. IV, p. 440)¹²

Torah Study as a Preparation to Shlichus

In order to succeed in shlichus, one must first make the necessary preparations. Among them: at least one year of studying Torah with vitality and vigor [after one’s marriage].¹³

(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XXIII, p. 540)

Fixed Times for Torah Study

[With regard to] the manner of your establishing yourself after the wedding — [it should be] in a manner where you are able to set aside fixed times for Torah study to the degree that you require.

(Heichal Menachem, Vol. III, p. 175)

Spending Even Part of the Day Exclusively

Studying Torah Only With Prior Full

Joyous Agreement of Both Parties

Understandably, it is laudable to order one’s life immediately after marriage in a manner that the husband spends (at least) part of the day exclusively in Torah study, inasmuch as the wedding is the inception of an eternal edifice.

However, it is also self-understood that this limits and curbs [one’s ability to earn a livelihood] and slightly reduces the ability to obtain one’s material needs.

As this [reduction] is felt on a daily basis, and conversely, a Jew’s life is to be lived — as the verse states with joy and gladness of heart and with trust [in G-d], it is necessary that there first be obtained a full-fledged joyous agreement [from both parties] (to beginning [mutual] lives bound up to a life of Torah, a Torah of Life).

If the two of them will both agree to this, agreeing in the manner described above, then may it be G-d’s will that all this transpire in a good and auspicious hour.

(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XXXIV, p. 296)

Continuing to Spread Forth the

Wellsprings of Judaism and Chassidus

I am very puzzled and perplexed at not having received any news from you from the time that you were married, although I am confident that you are filling your days with purpose and content ... particularly within the context of spreading forth the wellsprings of Judaism and Chassidus....

Of course there is room to say that the days preceding the wedding, as was the wedding day and the days following the wedding, were extremely busy, much more than usual.

Nevertheless, it is self-understood that a thinking person cannot permit these inconveniences to sidetrack him from the above actions [of spreading forth the wellsprings of Judaism and Chassidus], and [moreover,] cannot even distract him from notifying me about his accomplishments in this area.

If anything, the opposite is true, [that these are most auspicious days for accomplishing the spreading forth of the wellsprings of Judaism and Chassidus].

See also the Hilchos Talmud Torah of the Alter Rebbe, beginning of chapter three, wherein the Alter Rebbe states that even after a person marries, he retains the ability to study Torah for two or three years without much anxiety and difficulty, etc.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XV, p. 68)

Studying in a Kollel

When in Doubt, Do Without

It is well known that when a person is in doubt [as to whether to study in a Kollel immediately following his marriage,] then there is no point in his doing so. For it, [i.e., the Kollel,] is for those individuals who have a strong desire to study Torah and who are quite sure that they will study assiduously.

(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)¹⁴

In general, when a person is in doubt as to whether to study in a Kollel, it is not advisable to enter the Kollel (where one is to study assiduously, etc.).

(Heichal Menachem, Vol. III, p. 178)

Entering a Kollel After Having been Married

For a Considerable Amount of Time

... In the overwhelming majority of instances, [beginning] to study in a Kollel after not doing so for so long a period, as in your case, will not be with the proper peace of mind.