Dr. Neruda's Cure for Evil

PART ONE

Psychological History

of the

Therapist

CHAPTER ONE

Magic Thoughts

I AM GOING TO PRESENT THESE TWO CASE HISTORIES IN LAYMEN’S TERMS. Perhaps that will render them useless to psychiatrists and psychologists. It shouldn’t. If I have learned anything from the ghastly tragedy I must explain, it’s that life is lived in laymen’s terms.

The dirty secret of analysis is that for the collaboration to succeed the doctor has to be gifted. Not only with the ability to decode a patient’s unconscious. Not only to have an illuminating and healing insight specific to that patient’s experience of psychological trauma, thus inspiring civil disobedience against his illness. The above are certainly necessary—yet they are insufficient. The therapist must also supply insight at the right moment; when, as it were, the security police are asleep. A talking cure succeeds only partly because it aids self-awareness; most of the work is accomplished through a sensitive and precise management of the healing relationship. What the analyst feels is as crucial as the analysand’s sorrows. Thus it follows that there is a fatal flaw in all scientifically presented case histories because they are solely concerned with the patient’s life and character. To understand why the treatment proceeded the way it did one must also know about the doctor—his brilliancies, his mistakes, and his own psychology. The true story of a therapeutic exchange begins not with the patient’s present problem but with the healer’s past.

I, Rafael Guillermo Neruda, was born in New York in 1952. My mother, Ruth, was Jewish; my father, Francisco, what sociologists now call Hispanic. For the first eight years of my life we lived in Washington Heights, a working-class neighborhood at the northern extreme of Manhattan. In those days the Heights were predominantly Jewish. So much so, my father had to show the landlord Ruth’s birth certificate to prove she was Jewish before he was allowed to rent our modest apartment. Although I was accepted by my mother’s family, my Jewish friends and their families, they were quick to remind me that I was half alien to them.

I spent summers with my father’s parents in Tampa, Florida. My father’s people were the children of Spanish and Cuban immigrants who moved there in the 1880s to earn their living as cigar-makers. Although my grandparents were American born, they had been raised in an insulated Spanish-speaking ghetto of Tampa called Ybor City (pronounced E-BORE). They spoke English with heavy accents and were distrustful of the white and black Americans who surrounded them. My grandparents were too timid and superstitious to travel to New York, thus I had to be sent down to Ybor City during summer vacation for them to admire and display me to a seemingly endless parade of cousins, aunts and uncles. While summering—baking would be more accurate—with the Latins of Florida, I was accepted as a beloved object of pride; yet there were frequent reminders that I was half alien to them.

Interestingly, neither the Jews nor the Latins made an overt play for my loyalty. I stress overt. There was one notable exception. Samuel Rabinowitz was seventy-five years old when I was born. My mother was his youngest daughter. She gave birth to me at the age of thirty-six, late in life for a woman of the 1950s. I have a single vivid memory of Papa Sam, an encounter at my Uncle Bernie’s on the first night of Passover in 1960, in which he claimed me as a Jew and defined my fate. I imbued this event with the magical thinking of a child, a magic that after all became real, because it called into being the ambition of my life.

That morning my mother and I took the train out to Uncle Bernie’s Great Neck estate to attend the Rabinowitz family Seder. Bernie was Papa Sam’s oldest son. He was a multimillionaire thanks to real estate ventures that had taken advantage of the postwar boom in New York City for low- and middle-income housing. Bernie possessed the capital for these investments thanks to the profits he made from selling powdered eggs to the government to distribute to our troops during World War II. My uncle was able to make a huge profit because the eggs he powdered for our boys were the rotten throwaways of upstate farmers and thus Bernie’s only cost was the processing.

By 1960 Uncle Bernie was worth nearly one hundred million dollars. His great wealth was regarded with awe by my mother’s side of the family and indeed the world—with the exception of my mother. The rest of the Rabinowitzes did not agree with my mother’s analysis of her brother’s moneymaking, namely that Bernie had lived through the best two decades to be in business in American history, that anyone who entered the war years with substantial capital trebled it, that the riskier and more foolish the investment made then, the greater the return. Even if they had shared my mother’s interpretation of economic history, my uncle’s staggering accumulation of wealth beyond the status of mere millionairehood would have convinced them his success was due to more than just good timing. But the abundance did not persuade my strong-willed mother of her brother’s genius. Quite the contrary. To her it was a proof of his lack of character. Among many explanations for her attitude I should note that she was a member of the Communist Party. (My training analyst once noted in an ironic mumble, Your family history is a little complicated. Here’s another taste of its strange flavor: my father hadn’t come with us to the 1960 Seder because he was living in Fidel’s Cuba, doing research for a book sympathetic to the brand-new revolution. He hoped to help forestall an economic boycott by the U.S., which he believed would soon prove fatal.)

Uncle Bernie was also admired for his generosity and philanthropy. And with good reason. From the age of eighteen on he supported his parents, two brothers and four sisters with direct gifts as well as jobs for them or their spouses. He contributed millions to Israel, Brandeis, two major hospitals, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He virtually paid singlehandedly to build a new temple near his mansion in Great Neck. In 1960 and ’61, for example, Bernie gave away more than ten million to various charities and causes. All praised him; all believed he was great; except, as noted, for Ruth, my artistic mother, the youngest sibling, and also the only one who did not live off Bernie’s largess. She refused her brother’s offers to employ her freelance husband, just as she had refused years before when Uncle Bernie offered to support her if only she would give up her intention to marry my Latin father.

Ruth’s unwillingness to accept her brother as a paragon did not begin when Bernie opposed her marriage to Francisco Neruda. No, it originated (what does not?) in childhood. She felt slighted by their parents in his favor from infancy on; and she felt slighted by Bernie her entire life. Her gift for music and acting wasn’t taken seriously and was sometimes actively thwarted by their immigrant parents. Later Bernie himself, when he was father pro tem, insisted Ruth give up the dance and music lessons she was taking after school and get a part-time job. Of course, Bernie received nothing but praise and encouragement from their parents.

My mother believed that she and Bernie battled as children because he had usurped the role of their father. Bernie believed paternal responsibility was thrust upon him. The rest of the Rabinowitz siblings believed Bernie had saved them from a family calamity in the midst of a national disaster. The event in dispute was Bernie’s assumption of the role of breadwinner following Papa Sam’s non-fatal, but temporarily crippling heart attack. His coronary was blamed, in those days, not on Papa’s relish of chicken fat, but the failure of his third grocery store in the Bronx. It was the trough of the Great Depression. Bernie, accustomed to putting in long hours after school at the family store, was sent out to work full-time. He was thirteen. For four years he was to be the household’s sole support—until his brother was old enough to help. By then, although only seventeen years old, Bernie was well on his way to making his first million. All their lives Ruth and Bernie considered each other opposites; everyone who knew them thought they were as different as could be. As early as age eight, I would have disagreed. I think their natural conflict was intensified because they were so much alike. It was simply unfortunate for my mother that she was born into a society that discriminated against independent and innovative women while Bernie was born into a culture that favored men who were bold and determined.

By 1960, Uncle Bernie had led the Rabinowitz Seder for more than two decades. That year, after the ritual was over, as two uniformed black women began to serve the real food, he shocked the assembled parents with an announcement. He said the reward for finding the Afikomen (a piece of the blessed matzo hidden by the Leader during the early part of the ritual and then hunted for by the children later on) would be twenty dollars. In previous years it had never been more than five—already an extravagant prize.

Twenty dollars! Aunt Sadie exclaimed. She covered her mouth with a hand; whether to stop a criticism or to express shock, I couldn’t tell.

I didn’t know much about the relative value of money at eight. Anything over twenty-five cents was a lot. Anything over a dollar was infinite. My older cousins (whom I envied and loved and wanted to impress) cued me that twenty dollars was in the upper range of the infinite category. They made a collective sound of their longing to win—a chorus whose parts were gasps, giggles, wows, and one piercing whistle from my cousin Daniel. He was two years older than I, Aunt Sadie’s youngest. I admired Daniel. He seemed to disdain me; he delighted in besting me, especially at such things as football or tennis, sports which, coming as I did from a working-class city neighborhood, I had never played before. Earlier that day we had competed in both games on Uncle’s grounds. I was so bad at them, particularly tennis, that Daniel said I was a spaz—short for spastic. This hurt my feelings and my pride. Not only because I knew it to be unjust (I was good at the athletic games of my class: handball and stickball) but because I longed—with the passionate heart of a child—for Daniel to like me.

Well, Uncle Bernie said. He pushed himself a little ways from the long Seder table. The gold wedding ring on his left hand, fashioned with twists like a sailor’s knot, rested on the shiny white tablecloth. The yellow metal called my attention to his fingers. The skin was dark. Above the knuckles were long tufts of black hair; the same thick black hair covered his large round head. When he smiled—bright teeth against olive skin—his wide features stretched and gave him the friendly appearance of a well-fed baby. Not that his nose or eyes or mouth were infantile. On the contrary. But there was an oval beneficence to the general shape. The deep brown eyes, however, were keen with authority, calculation and a gleam of mischief. I have a reason for making the reward so high, Bernie said. He played the table with the fingers of his left hand. Not an impatient drumming, but a pianist’s melody. That kept his ring in motion. I was fascinated by how the gold encircled the finger’s tuft of hair. The fine silky hairs were gathered into a knot underneath the ring; once free of the band they fanned out. I tried to remember if my father had that much hair on his fingers. Francisco had been away in Havana for only a month, but to an eight-year-old a month is very long. At that moment I couldn’t remember my father’s face that well, much less details of his fingers. The answer happened to be no; my father’s fingers were virtually hairless. In fact I have never met a man whose hairs had such length and thickness as Bernie’s. Again, I don’t mean to suggest there was anything ape-like about my uncle. Rather the tufts were cropped and handsome in appearance. I wondered if they had been intentionally groomed to be decorative.

It’s a test, Uncle said. He surprised me by looking right at me. Surprised because, during all the time I had been in his presence that day—from the gathering in the den for the adults to drink cocktails and fuss about the children having messed up their clothes playing, to the transition to the table and the start of the Seder—Bernie hadn’t looked at me. I was glad because there was too much of him. His voice was too resonant, his head too large, his gray suit’s fabric too thick, especially on that day, an unusually hot April day. (In fact while playing tennis with Daniel I took off my shirt. You sweat like a spic, Daniel commented.) Bernie’s stare at me, as he told Aunt Sadie the hunt for the Afikomen was a test, seemed to be the first time he noticed me at all.

I lowered my eyes immediately. I was annoyed at myself and quickly looked back. Too late—I had lost his interest. He had shifted his intense gaze to Daniel. If I knew a harsh curse to abuse myself with, I must have used it then because I can still remember the sharp disappointment I felt that I had failed to hold my rich and powerful uncle’s eyes. I vowed not to make that mistake again.

Aren’t you going to negotiate with them? Uncle Harry asked. That was the tradition in our family and in many others—namely, that the Leader hid the Afikomen and bargained the amount of the reward with the child who found it. This is a fractured version of the correct tradition: in Europe, Jews did not have the Leader hide the Afikomen; rather the children (males only, of course) stole it and refused to make restitution until the Leader paid a ransom. Afikomen, by the way, means dessert although it is a symbolic treat, another Seder reminder of the deprivations of the Hebrew slaves of Egypt, since it is in fact nothing more than a piece of plain matzo. I find this change in the Passover ritual interesting because it reflects the shift from the harsh demands made upon Jewish children in the ghettos of the Old Country to the comfort and dependence of their lives in the United States. The original tradition placed a value on initiative, independence and ability to earn a living—even to the point of larceny. That must have been necessary to a Jewish family’s survival in Eastern Europe. The revised tradition is a hide-and-seek game created and controlled by adults, symbolic of the prolonged childhoods of my generation of Jews in the New World. (The stereotype of the overprotective Jewish mother is, I suspect, an American phenomenon.) I’m sure my uncle preferred the old Afikomen ritual and that night hoped to restore a little of its former character, to once again make it a test of manhood. Bernie, remember, had had to go to work as a child. (Thirteen, in spite of puberty and Bar Mitzvah, for the majority of boys is still essentially a time of childhood.) He believed, as do most unanalyzed people, that the misfortune of his life—his premature role as family wage-earner—had been good for him. He argued that all children should be responsible and self-reliant as early as possible. He often quarreled in public with his wife that their children—in college by 1960—were spoiled. I, of course, did not know that, or anything else about the inner life of my uncle. All that mattered then was his challenge, It’s a test, followed by a stare right at me. Then he looked at Daniel, and one by one at my other male cousins. He skipped the girls, although they would also be searchers.

A test of what? my mother asked. She snapped the final t, whipping the sound scornfully. I cringed because of a fight my mother had had earlier in the day with her oldest sister, Sadie. Aunt Sadie had picked us up at the Great Neck train station to drive us to Uncle’s estate. Conversation had been pleasant until we pulled into the driveway, and then she said to my mother, Don’t make trouble today with your brother.

My mother laughed. Its a non-aggression pact. If he doesn’t fire I won’t shoot back.

Aunt Sadie warned her again, repeating in different words that Ruth shouldn’t fight with Uncle Bernie. Even if he does shoot first, Sadie added.

My mother lost her temper. I was startled. I had seen her angry with my father, but that was only once or twice, and never with anyone else. Her thin face and smooth white skin were quite different in color and shape from her dark brother’s oval head. Enraged, her high cheekbones lifted, pulling back her lips to expose her small bright teeth, and her green eyes narrowed. She might have been a big cat in a furious fight for her life. She bobbed her chin at Sadie and said, Don’t tell me how to behave! I’m not a child! I’m not on this planet at Bernie’s sufferance! I’m not living off him like the rest of you! You’re terrified I’m going to blow up the Bernard Rabinowitz gravy train—well, don’t worry, it won’t be me who cuts his throat. It’ll be the working class. It’ll be people like those workers down South. Those poor people he brags he brought to their knees.

Shut up already, Sadie said, both scared of the cat’s angry motions and also conscious of my presence. She indicated me with a nod to my mother.

I’ll never forget him gloating about how his paid thugs drove a truck over one of the strikers!

All right, I’m sorry I said anything! Sadie opened her door and fled. My mother panted, angled at Sadie’s vacated seat as if her prey were still there. From my back-seat view, I saw a single green eye in profile. That eye seemed to find me, with the spooky myopic stare of a bird. Come on, let’s go in, she said to me. She added, without irony, We’ll have fun.

What I got from all that was that my uncle was a powerful man, a dangerous man, an important man. If he had devised a test for me, then I wanted to pass it: to avenge my earlier defeats at tennis and football, to win my cousin’s love, to please my mother, to represent my alien father well, and also, finally, to hold the gaze of my terrible and handsome uncle.

A test of their character, Uncle Bernie said to my mother. He continued quickly to us children, "I’ve hidden the Afikomen somewhere in this house." His fingers continued to play a silent tune on the white cloth.

You haven’t left the table, Cousin Daniel said. "You still have the Afikomen."

As Leader, at the beginning of the service, Uncle Bernie had broken off the Afikomen from a plate of matzos on display at the table. He wrapped it in a thick napkin with a shiny white satin border and put it in his lap. As he did, I overheard my cousin Daniel whisper to his older brother, I’m gonna watch him this time. I didn’t know what Daniel meant. At eight I didn’t remember the previous year’s Seder. He meant that he would keep an eye on Uncle, waiting to see where he slipped away to hide the Afikomen. Bernie hadn’t left the table during the Seder and therefore, Daniel had reasoned, he must still have it in his lap.

Bernie’s mouth widened into his beneficent smile. You mean this. He lifted the napkin from his lap. Very clever, Daniel.

Yes! Daniel got to his feet. I win!

Not so fast, Bernie said and raised his hand like a traffic cop. There was something comic, not mean, about Uncle’s expression and tone. Most of the adults chuckled and commented on Bernie’s wisdom and Daniel’s greed. Uncle ignored his grown-up audience and continued to address us children. "This year we’ll do it differently. This is only the symbolic Afikomen. I hid the real one—"

Call it what it is, my mother interrupted. A door prize.

She was shushed by the grown-ups. The children, including me, ignored her. But my uncle didn’t. He flicked a glance in her direction and the emotion in his eyes amazed me. It was contempt and hatred. But only a flash. Immediately, his eyes were friendly again and he continued in his smooth deep voice, a resonant cello, "I hid the real one while you were playing outside. The child who finds that Afikomen will find it not only because of his intelligence and his perseverance but because of the strength of his character."

My mother made a rude sound with her lips. Daniel got out of his chair to leave the table. His father restrained him; Uncle Bernie hadn’t signaled us to begin our search.

Bernie ignored my mother’s contemptuous noise. Instead, he smiled generously at Daniel. You stand like greyhounds in the slips, his cello vibrated. Straining upon the start. Bernie raised his right hand, decorated with tufts above the knuckles. The game’s afoot, he said and waved his arm like a racing flag.

Daniel and the others bolted. I made my move as well, running behind Uncle’s chair and passing four or five other adult relatives, until I was caught up short. A hand had taken hold of my left arm. The sudden yank caused me to stumble. I fell against the chair of the person who had stopped me. It was my mother.

You stay here, she said and she sounded angry. I assumed she was angry at me. You’re not playing this stupid game.

Mom, I complained and tried to wriggle out of her grasp. My struggle for freedom proved how much I wanted to win that contest. I was not a bold child. In fact I suffered from acute shyness, especially in front of adults, and although these grown-ups were my people, some were totally unknown to me, thanks to my mother’s role as the family black sheep. I was shy and I was not defiant of my parents. Normally, if my mother grabbed me in public and forbade me from something in an angry tone I would obey her injunction silently, if unhappily. Indeed, my attempt to get away so surprised her that I easily freed my wrist from her loose grip. For a moment we exchanged a look of mutual shock at my action—and then I ran.

Uncle’s formal dining room had a wall of glass, allowing a panoramic view of his unblemished lawn sloping to the water—the pool and tennis court were placed discreetly on the ground’s perimeter. I ran from there into a huge living room, itself the length of most people’s homes. It too had a view of Long Island Sound; only here it was provided by four windows with small panes of leaded glass, a kind of latticework that distorted the manicured lawn and tranquil water into a moody Impressionist painting. Two cousins were in there, one on his knees checking the wall cabinets, another on his belly peering under the sofas and love seats.

My mother pursued me. She caught me as I reached the large central hall, painted a light yellow color, and dominated by a sweeping dark mahogany staircase. My cousins’ feet thudded and trampled on the second floor; occasionally they raced across the landing in their movement from one bedroom to another. They were having their chance at glory while I was under arrest. This time Ruth’s grip on my arm was tight and painful. She was incensed. Today, I suspect she was more humiliated that I had defied her in front of her siblings than infuriated by my contrariness. At the time I was baffled by her. Don’t ever run from me like that again! she shouted. Her words hurt, too. The violence of her tone hurt. You’re not going to play this ridiculous game! You’re not a performing monkey!

I wanna! I protested and pulled at her grip. This confrontation changed my understanding of myself and her. I was shy, I was obedient, yet I was willing to fight her. And, although I was not to understand why for many years to come, I discovered that day that this inner self, the adult growing so far undisturbed in an unilluminated corner of my child’s soul, was a person my mother didn’t want to meet. She only wanted to know the sweet, bashful, compliant boy. (And why not? Such a child was a great compensation for the abrasive and selfish personalities who had been her lot in life. One of the first practical lessons of psychology is that neurotics aren’t fools. Typically, they are clever people whom the world has thwarted.)

No, you don’t! She shook my arm so hard my entire body trembled. She was shaking all the intransigent men in her life; she was trying to dislodge the stubborn materialism of her family and her nation. So she had to shake hard. She had to shake as hard as she could; and yet she could never shake hard enough.

Daniel, of all people, came down the staircase like Errol Flynn playing Robin Hood, dancing, leaping, using the banister to propel himself three, four steps at a jump. His wide face, the characteristic Rabinowitz oval, was flushed. He’s found it, I thought, heartbroken.

Daniel raced around us. I figured it out! he bragged as he disappeared down the narrow side hall that led toward the kitchen. But he was empty-handed, not carrying the heavy white napkin which would be wrapped around the Afikomen.

He hadn’t found it! I was thrilled.

Look at me! My mother wanted to shout; shame suppressed her demand into a maddened whisper. My head had turned to follow Daniel. Why the kitchen? What did he think: it was still in the matzo box?

I was convinced of this suddenly. My uncle was a businessman and he had probably thought of matzo’s production: returned the Afikomen to its box, stashed the box in a kitchen cabinet, in the working section of the house, tended by the black cook and maid. The lesson would be clear: a reminder of work and service. Obviously, at eight, I couldn’t have articulated this reasoning, but that, more or less, was the logic I theorized. Had Daniel? Was that what he meant when he cried I figured it out and ran toward the kitchen? Or was he headed to some other room? There were many others in that direction: the family den; the back stairs to the finished basement; the pantry; an office for my uncle. The house was huge, more than twenty rooms; I hadn’t seen most of them.

First, I had to get free. I sagged against my mother’s hold on my wrists, a premature sit-in protester, becoming a dead weight.

Stand up! she ordered, trying to hoist me to my feet. But she wasn’t especially strong—this was more than two decades before women of her age pumped iron. I felt a malicious pleasure at her impotence. She frowned and complained, Stop it! Stand up!

My legs bumped her shins. Ow, she said and kicked the heels of my Buster Browns, first one foot, then the other. Not hard. Now we were both behaving like frustrated eight-year-olds.

I drooped, ass hanging low, arms stretched to the limit. I thought they might pop out of my shoulder sockets, but I didn’t care. I know where it is! I shouted at Ruth. Let me go! I can win! Let me go!

She quit trying to lift me. Instead she pulled me toward her face, a face distorted by rage and frustration. Stop it right now or we’ll leave this minute! I swear to God I’ll drag you by the neck all the way to New York.

I pictured the humiliation of such an exit. As yet there were no sixties images of noble passive resistance to inspire me. To be dragged out by my angry mother in front of all my cousins, the pretty aloof girls in their dresses, the self-confident and athletically skilled boys with their rougish shirttails hanging out, seemed to me to preclude any chance that they might one day respect and like me.

When Ruth began to carry out her threat, twisting toward the door and yanking me at it, I straightened. Okay, I said, head down to avoid her eyes. I was angry and I was ashamed of my anger. She was my mother: I loved her; she was the god of my universe; to hate her that much was painful and confusing.

I began to cry: choked sobs of thwarted anger and disappointed love. A beautiful cousin—Uncle Harry and Aunt Ceil’s daughter, eleven-year-old Julie—stopped in her progress down the mahogany staircase. Her long straight black hair draped her narrow face, the ends curling inward, nearly touching under her chin. I was ashamed and quickly looked away, but not before a glimpse of her told me she was sympathetic. The quizzical tilt of her head—perhaps it was merely her beauty—convinced me she understood I was the victim of an injustice.

What’s wrong? she called down to my mother. Julie had a sweet and yet confident voice. Later, it served her well in business. When she challenged you, there was no challenge in her tone.

Nothing, my mother said impatiently. She pulled me to her, covering my face and muffling my tears. Calm down! she whispered. But it was an order.

Of course, it was my attempt to quell the anger that brought on hysterical tears. But I accepted her injunction and fought them.

He can search with me, Julie said. She finished her descent and walked over. Her alert brown eyes scanned us with curiosity and maybe (perhaps this is a later imposed memory) a hint of condescension.

In any event, at her offer I cried louder. Ruth pressed me tight into the smooth fabric of her skirt. This is a family discussion. Could we have some privacy, please? Ruth’s tone was unpleasant.

Julie was brave. She answered in her unchallenging and bold voice: Well, if you want privacy you’re in the wrong place. This is the foyer, she added and let go of a short volley of laughter.

I know this is the foyer, my mother said, and added sourly, We’ll get out of everybody’s way. Being at her brother’s mansion drained Ruth of her sense of humor. She walked me—still hiding in the slippery fabric of her dress—toward the narrow hall where Daniel had disappeared. We moved awkwardly, like a mother-and-son team in a three-legged race. I was coughing at this point, coughing from the tears I had swallowed.

Calm down, she said again, this time tenderly. She stopped and rubbed my back.

I’m trying, I said in a pathetic way, coughing and choking. At least we were alone in the narrow hall. It was dark. The only light came from two doors leading to adjoining rooms.

Try a little harder, she said, but again tenderly. She bent over and kissed my wet cheek.

It occurred to me Daniel might come by any minute. The thought of him witnessing my babyish behavior stopped my tears.

I want you to understand, my mother said. To be on my level, she knelt on one knee. Her tone was anguished. She had made me the victim of her dissatisfaction with the world; I could hear, although not comprehend, her regret. "Your uncle has made a lot of money and he thinks that getting money is good. That it shows how smart and great a person is. Well, most geniuses, most of history’s great men, never made any money at all. And they certainly didn’t care about making money. Looking for the Afikomen is just supposed to be a fun game—it’s not supposed to be a test. When my father—when Papa used to lead the Seder— she stopped. I couldn’t see her face that clearly. Besides, I was distracted, furiously wiping away my tears, to remove the evidence should Daniel happen by. Meanwhile, Ruth had reminded herself of a neglected duty. Come, she said and took my hand. We’re going to visit Papa Sam."

I was leery of seeing Grandfather. I remembered from my visit to Great Neck in December that he was confined to a wheelchair. There wasn’t much substance left to his body, a body that was once, especially for an immigrant from Europe, tall and muscular. Indeed, his athletic figure had been the cause of his initial success in life. At seventeen, Papa Sam was chosen for the Tsar’s personal guard. The men selected for that honor were picked because they would look strong and handsome on state occasions. Papa Sam was the only Jew to wear the bright red uniform with gold buttons and a fur collar. His fellow guardsmen regularly abused him for being a Jew. They would form a circle, put him in the middle, and take turns kicking his legs with their hard-tipped boots while they called him kike. He couldn’t fight back. To resist meant a court martial, and a sentence of at least twenty years’ hard labor, if not death. That was the story he liked to tell about his life. Papa Sam would bring out a photograph of himself in the honor guard uniform, standing at attention in front of a palace, and then show us his scarred shins.

One day Papa Sam informed his colonel that his mother was ill; he asked permission to visit her in the small town of his birth. In fact, the news he had gotten was of her death. He was granted a leave. He walked all the way to Paris and eventually made his way to London, where he met my grandmother. The emigrated through Ellis Island to the United States seven years before my mother was born.

Unfortunately, by the time I met Papa Sam, heart disease had shrunk and warped his tall frame. In December, his big head looked precarious atop a skinny torso that scarcely filled his wheelchair. His bony shoulders were hunched forward; they carved a bowl in his chest. His skin was loose and bloodless; his eyes dull and hopeless; the mouth slack and stupid. He probably smelled as well, but I don’t remember that. In any event, the prospect of going to see Papa Sam didn’t thrill me or compensate me for missing out on the Afikomen hunt.

However, this time I was obedient. Ruth led me toward the kitchen. I could see into it. The black women were cleaning and readying the real dessert. The cabinets were closed and there was no sign of Daniel. I heard the hilarity of the grown-up relatives through the service door to the dining room. They were raucous. Some sang, Chad Gad Ya! Chad Gad Ya! Others teased the singers about their lack of musicality. My young cousins, of course, raced above, behind, and below—full of their own energy and happiness. Only my mother and I were glum non-participants. Just before we reached the kitchen, Ruth turned into another hallway that was new to me. It led to a short addition to the mansion, built to accommodate Papa Sam and his nurse after my grandmother died. It consisted of two small bedrooms and a bathroom, a kind of motel for the sick old man. During the December visit I had seen him in the living room and I had assumed he lived elsewhere, probably in a hospital, since his nurse looked and behaved like a nurse, with a white uniform and a crabby manner.

Papa Sam was in bed, covered up to his neck, his arms outside the blanket. He appeared mummified. His nurse sat in a chair by the door, reading. Her tensor lamp provided the only light.

Is he asleep? my mother asked the nurse in a whisper.

No … Papa answered in a groan. He lifted his huge hand—it looked large because his wrist and arm were now so thin—above the plaid blanket and gestured for us to come close. Is that the Little Gentleman? he asked.

In the shadows he was a gloomy, dying presence. The nurse got up and turned on his bedside lamp. Its light cast shadows across Papa’s wasted face.

You remember, my mother said as we approached. She kissed him on a gaunt cheek. Papa hummed with pleasure at her touch.

Of course. I am not reproducing his classic Yiddish intonations and accent. They were very thick. I had to concentrate to understand him, often not realizing what he had said until a few seconds after he spoke. That made me shyer than usual. You’re the Little Gentleman, he said, rolling his great head to the side. His lifeless eyes didn’t seem to focus. I wasn’t really sure he could see me. In December he made a speech to my mother that I had always, even as a toddler, been a perfect little gentleman. Ruth explained to me later he was impressed that I had not only sat quietly and listened while the adults talked, but contributed to the conversation. Papa also commented with admiration—the significance of this wasn’t clear to me—that I seemed to be very tall. He was vain about his height and considered mine (I was in fact tall for my age) to be a genetic achievement that was to his credit.

I nodded and looked down. Again I couldn’t meet the eyes of a Rabinowitz elder. I was scared by the old man’s physical deterioration. And, as professionals among my readers already realize, I was no more of a Little Gentleman than any eight-year-old. The polite role I had once played accidentally seemed too difficult to repeat on purpose.

We just wanted to say hello. We’ll let you go back to sleep, my mother said.

No! Papa croaked with as much energy as he could. I can’t sleep. Stay and talk for a little.

I kept my head down, staring at the carpet. I wasn’t seeing it, however. I pictured Daniel, standing on a stool, reaching with glee into the kitchen cabinet to find the Afikomen.,

How are you? my mother asked.

"I can’t get a breath." He made a gurgling sound in his lungs, whether to illustrate or involuntarily, I didn’t know. He sounded bad. Death was in the room with us; I felt my mother’s dread in her moist hand.

You relax, Daddy. Don’t exert yourself. Ruth talked softly over my head to the nurse. Would you like to take a break? We can stay here until you come back. Is that all right, Papa?

Sure, he said.

All right. Thank you, ma‘am. I could use a cup of coffee. The nurse’s voice was loud. She wasn’t afraid of the implacable presence waiting to take my grandfather. I’ll come back in fifteen minutes? she asked.

Take your time, my mother said. And yet she was uneasy; I heard tension in her voice. The nurse left quickly, as if worried that Ruth might change her mind.

Fifteen minutes is probably all I’ve got, Papa said and tried to laugh. The strangled whine he made sounded like a balloon leaking. It raised my eyes from the carpet. Papa’s face turned a strange color, not red or white, a sort of greenish pallor. He struggled to quell something and ended up coughing. That’ll teach me not to make jokes. So where’s your handsome husband? he said in a hoarse voice. Papa sounded relaxed. He seemed to feel no bitterness about his condition. At the time I didn’t know his attitude was exceptional. Perhaps he had avoided so much death during his life—the Tsar’s punishment for desertion; America’s Depression; Europe’s Holocaust; and three attacks from his own heart—that this peaceful finish seemed to be good fortune. Anyway, I never forgot his pleasant humor and bravery.

He’s still working on his book, my mother said.

His book? About that guy with the beard in Havana?

My mother smiled. I did too. It was amusing to hear the great Fidel, a man who was spoken of by my father as the embodiment of strength and virtue—the bull whom all the women of Cuba wanted to, or had, slept with; the gourmand who ate a dozen eggs for breakfast; the military genius who had defeated a dictator’s army with a band of untrained peasants; the Cicero who could hold a nation rapt for three-hour speeches; the Cuban George Washington and Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson all wrapped into one—to hear him called (in a Yiddish accent) the guy with the beard was funny. That’s the one, she said. Fidel Castro.

He likes cigars, too, Papa said. His dull eyes were on me; the blank look of a blind man. Like Groucho, he added. Think maybe Castro is Jewish? Sephardic? Could be. Now that would be something to write about. You know there are people in Spain— He stopped. The punctured balloon whined again. His white color changed to green and he coughed.

Relax, Papa, my mother said nervously. She reached out to touch the plaid blanket covering her father’s chest. It trembled with each cough.

Can’t— he said. The green changed to a duskier color—purple. Can’t— he tried to say again. He looked as if he were being flooded with blood under the skin, drowning from the inside out.

Get the nurse, Ruth said to me. Then she changed her mind. Wait, she said, holding my arm. I don’t know if she saw fear on my face. Perhaps it wasn’t what she saw; she could have realized an eight-year-old was a poor emissary. Leaving me alone with the sick man wasn’t acceptable either. Both choices were bad. She decided not to spare me, but to find help for her father as quickly as possible. I’ll get her. Stay with Papa, she said and ran out before I had a chance to react.

I was alone with a dying man. Grandfather couldn’t produce any sound other than a gurgling struggle to speak. His eyes were wild with fear. He reached for his constricted throat and pulled at the invisible strangler’s grip.

His chest jerked as if he were being electrocuted. I put my hand on top of the plaid blanket, at the epicenter of his torsos earthquake. I didn’t look at his choked face. I stared at my hand and thought very hard: Get better, Papa. I wished for a healing bolt to flow through my arms and into my palm; I willed it to soothe Papa’s wounded chest. Get better, Papa, I thought, beaming the magic power, wishing with all my heart to heal him.

After a moment, Papa’s hands covered mine. The long bones of his fingers, although they looked fragile, pressed down hard on my palm.

Get better, I sung silently to his hand.

Papa pushed harder and harder on my little hand. I was horrified at what he was doing. I thought he was going to push it right through his chest. I pictured my fingers falling inside and touching his blood and heart and my vague idea of what else would be inside a human being. And then he released the pressure.

Oh, that’s better, he said in a clearer voice than I had yet heard from him.

The nurse, my mother, and Uncle Bernie appeared. I looked at my grandfather. His skin was back to normal. His eyes were no longer dead; they shined at me. And he continued to hold my hand against his chest; but now lightly, the way someone would caress a favorite object.

The adults fussed and questioned him.

I was dying and the Little Gentleman saved me, Papa said, but in a lilting, jocular intonation.

My mother, in fact, took Papa seriously. She hugged me, asked if I had been scared. I said no. She explained to me almost apologetically and fearfully, as if I were a stern boss, that she had gone instead of me because she could find the nurse faster.

No, no, I’m fine, Papa was saying to the nurse, who hadn’t accepted his reassurances. I couldn’t get my breathing for a second. It was nothing. Forget it. Go away. He waved energetically and struggled to lift himself higher on the bed.

You want to sit, Mr. Rabinowitz? the nurse asked. She arranged his pillows so they would prop up his head.

When she tried to rearrange his blanket, he held it down firmly and said, Stop. I want that—leave me alone. Everybody but my grandson—go. Right, Bernie?

Uncle agreed with a nod. He took my mother’s hand affectionately. She reacted with a startled look and then smiled. Uncle tugged her toward the door.

Go, Papa said to the nurse. Have your coffee. He encouraged my mother, Go. I’ll send your boy out to you.

Okay? my mother asked me softly.

Yeah, I answered honestly. My fear of the old man’s decay—and of the relentless presence waiting for him—was gone. Besides, I liked being called the Little Gentleman. I preferred to stay in the ordinary room (much more like the rooms in Washington Heights) with this relative who approved of me. Who had, moreover, some use for me other than as a hostage to his ideology. Or so I thought.

Papa waited until we were alone before speaking. He nodded at an untouched plate on a folding table by the foot of the bed. There’s a piece of cake. You want?

I went to see. It was plain pound cake. No thank you.

Papa smiled. So polite. He waved for me to come close. I obeyed. This time I noticed that my assumption he would smell bad was wrong. In fact he smelled of talcum powder. His eyes were still bright from the struggle he’d just won. Do you know you’re Jewish? he said. The Yiddish pronunciation made a whooshing sound out of Jewish; it was comical to me. I guess I didn’t react. You may think you’re half-Jewish. Again, the swishing sound he made saying Jewish tickled me. He nodded no. According to Jewish law, you’re Jewish. This rapid repetition of the word almost had me giggling out loud. I didn’t want to offend the old man so I kept a solemn face. The reason is: your mother is Jewish. Now, if it was the other way round. If your father was Jewish and your mother a … he hesitated. A … well, not Jewish. Then you wouldn’t be considered Jewish unless you converted.

Naturally, this seemed preposterous to me. I suspected he had made up this law to convert me into a whole Jew. (In fact, he was accurate.) Obviously, I reasoned, he was disappointed that I wasn’t completely Jewish (in the same way that it bothered my Latin relatives that I wasn’t completely Spanish) and he had concocted this sophistry to dispose of my Jewish deficit. But I admired him for his direct approach, for his honesty in admitting that he wanted me to belong entirely to him. And I was pleased. Why shouldn’t I have preferred being wanted? It was flattering.

It’s true, he insisted. I must have looked dubious. Israel will take you just as you are under the Law of Return. But they wouldn’t if it was your father and not your mother who’s Jewish. It’s true. It’s in the Torah.

All that, to my eight-year-old ears, was gibberish. I nodded yes to mollify him. I already knew how to behave in these situations: with Jews I was Jewish; with Latins I was Latin; with Americans I was a New Yorker.

Come, he beckoned. He squirmed to sit higher. I’ll tell you something else. I had reached the side of his bed. Raise your hand. Your right hand. I did. I felt as if I were at an assembly at P.S. 173 and I was about to Pledge Allegiance to the Flag. That is, I felt foolish and grave, embarrassed and awed. I saw it while I was dying— Papa lowered his voice to a whisper. I’m serious—I was about to go. And then I saw your hand on my chest. Do you know what you were doing? Papa illustrated with his own hand. He raised it, palm out, fingers together. He gradually moved his pinky and ring fingers away from his middle and index fingers while keeping the separated pairs flush together. He was able to separate them quite a lot: he made a broad V in the air. That’s what you were doing. Can you do it again?

I looked at my fingers and waited as if the volition to act belonged to my hand and not my mind. Indeed, they seemed to move on their own. Sure enough, I could separate my fingers in the same way as Papa.

Papa still had his hand up in the symbolic position. He said, Not everybody can do this. Know what it means? It means you are a Cohen. He pronounced it CO-AIN. The Cohens were the best Jews of the old days. They were the wise men, the healers, the generals. Of all the Jewish people, who were God’s chosen people, they were the highest, the best. I’m a Cohen. You wouldn’t think it to look at me. But I am. And you are too. You have my blood in you.

Years later—much to my amusement—I saw an actor named Leonard Nimoy on the Star Trek television series make the same sign with his hand as a traditional greeting for his character’s alien species, the Vulcans, who seemed to have been thought up as a kind of crude version of a Jungian archetype to combine with the equally crude archetypes of Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy. [I used Star Trek as the subject of my paper on Jung’s theory of the Collective Unconscious. Not as a joke. I didn’t intend disrespect. As readers of my books know, I like to use modern popular culture to test the viability of psychological theory. For one thing, Freud and his disciples thoroughly mined the classics. For another, since contemporary culture is often a reaction to theory as well as a confirmation of it, the ore it yields, although perhaps corrupted by self-consciousness, has greater practical value to a therapist. And practicality, after all, is the great challenge that faces analysis in the next millennium.]

But I’m sorry to have broken the spell that my grandfather created at that moment on his deathbed. I didn’t know Leonard Nimoy would make the gesture foolish; I didn’t know that my grandfather hadn’t reproduced accurate Jewish lore in what he told me. All I knew for certain was that he had been dying moments ago and that I had wished him back to life while holding my fingers apart in that mysterious V.

We held up our hands in the sign of our genetic bond. Papa nodded toward the door, presumably to the house full of cousins, aunts, uncles. None of them can do it. None of them have the Cohen blood. You’re the only one I know about. My aristocratic V pressed against his. His palm was warm, and his eyes glowed, the same eyes that had looked so dead before.

For a time we touched like that. Finally, he folded his long fingers around my hand and pulled me close. He hugged me, squeezing my head awkwardly next to his while not rising from the pillows. There was something stiff beside his chest under the plaid blanket. He whispered into my ear, Who gave you your name?

Papa let me go to answer him. One ear was irritated from his embrace. I rubbed it while thinking. My parents, I said.

Which one? Do you know?

My Daddy. It’s a Spanish name.

No, it’s a very old name. It’s a Hebrew name. Do you know what it means in Hebrew? I shook my head. It’s a good name for you. Rafael. He almost said it the way my Latin relatives did: RA-FIE-EL. I preferred that pronunciation. The usual accent given to it by my friends, teachers or other non-Latin adults was RAY-FEEL. Papa said, Ra-fie-el, again. Slowly, lovingly, he said a third time, Rafael. It’s a good name. And a very good name for you. I’ll tell you what it means. It’s a promise from Him. Papa pointed to the ceiling. It means: God will heal. He stroked my head. You’re a good boy. You will keep the Lord’s promise, Rafael.

I was impressed by the intensity of his gaze, of his expectation. I wanted it to come true.

You should go back, Papa said as he withdrew his petting hand. But first I have something for you. He lifted the plaid blanket aside and revealed the stiff object I had brushed against a moment before: the Afikomen lay next to his frail body, wrapped in its satin-edged napkin. Papa extended it to me. Your uncle said I should give this to the child who came to visit and showed me he deserves it. Do you know what it is?

The look on my face must have been transparently happy; I can still hear Papa’s chest laugh at my reaction.

That was the last time I saw him. He said, Go! and away I ran. I ran wildly into the entrance hall, splitting a knot of cousins; I jumped over a startled Daniel as he inspected the living room cabinets; I dodged the seated, exhausted figure of my mother in the dining room, still talking about the scare over Papa; I bumped into Uncle Harry, who said, Whoa!, and kept going, right up to the dark round face of Bernard Rabinowitz.

This time, when my uncle’s clever eyes focused on me, I held them without flinching.

I found it, I said.

He smiled: bright teeth against olive skin. Good for you, he answered.

CHAPTER TWO

The Triumph of Oedipus

TAMPA, FLORIDA, IS AS HUMID AS A STEAM BATH FROM LATE SPRING TO early fall. Even in winter the air is heavy. It is no accident that it was chosen by the cigar industry as a location for its factories. Tampa is an open-air humidor, as an eminent American writer pointed out. No need to fear the long green tongue of the tobacco leaf will dry out.

My mother and I traveled to Ybor City for the July 4th weekend in 1960. Papa Sam had died in May. Ruth didn’t take me to the funeral. Indeed, she didn’t tell me Papa Sam had died until late June, not until she could promise me that my father was returning from Havana and that he would meet us in Tampa in July. Years later, Aunt Sadie explained that my mother delayed informing me about Papa Sam’s death because she didn’t want to upset me while the next occasion for seeing my father was still uncertain. According to Sadie, without the reassurance of an upcoming meeting, my mother feared I would imagine my Daddy was dead since hers had died. Of course she was projecting her own worry about Francisco onto me. But it was not entirely fanciful on her part. She had reason to fear that her husband might be killed.

My father returned to the States before finishing research for his book because of the excitement generated by an article he had written for The New York Times Magazine about the Cuban revolution. The article provoked interest from publishers who wanted to buy my father’s book before its completion; he was to meet with the editors who had made offers. Meanwhile, Esquire had commissioned another piece that was due on the stands around July 4th, and some sort of primitive early media tour developed, mostly on radio.

Francisco was scheduled to do a radio call-in show in Tampa on July 2nd. He was to do two such programs in Miami on the 1st. More radio programs were set up in New York for later in the month. There was also talk of an appearance on the Dave Garroway show. I suspect, but don’t know, that Dad’s media appearances were encouraged by the Cuban government, which was desperate to counteract the mounting anti-Castro propaganda emanating from the White House. (Building support for the coming Bay of Pigs invasion, of course.) In any event, whether my father was or was not directly encouraged by Fidel’s government, the anti-Castro community in Miami, New York, and New Jersey had decided he was. There were threats both by anonymous letters to the Times and crank calls to the radio stations in Miami.

I should pause here to note that many people have strong feelings about politics and are made uneasy when they cannot identify someone’s ideological bias. In case you are experiencing strong reactions to my parents’ activities and opinions, or to Uncle Bernie’s equally convinced behavior and ideas, and wonder where I stand, I must confess that I do not have an answer to satisfy you. I have known many brilliant people and read many more. Certainly I was lectured by experts. I grew up surrounded by dogma: political, philosophical, and scientific. What I can say with conviction is that no one is stronger than, or independent of, the people and things that surround him. Ideas are objective, but their truth is not the glue that makes them stick to us.

Nevertheless, I recognize there are times in history when one must choose one side or the other, when there is no room for doubt. In the summer of 1960 I had no doubts. I was eight years old. My father and mother told me that Fidel Castro was a great man and I believed them. They said that the United States was an imperialist country responsible for the degradation of the Cuban people, that our government had supported a cruel dictator (Batista) in order for American corporations, such as the United Fruit Company, ITT, and the like, to make huge profits and I believed them, just as millions of American children believed their parents when they were informed that anyone who called himself a Communist was evil and that Fidel was an absurd, strutting madman. My parents instructed me that anyone who said the Cuban revolution was bad, including the President of the United States, was wrong and I believed them. At eight, those were my politics.

However, at eight I was not passionate about politics. I was passionate about the New York Yankees. Unfortunately, even that commitment wasn’t free of ideological scrutiny. My grandfather Pepín was a Dodger fan and a Yankee hater. I didn’t understand the reason why until years later when I learned the sociology of baseball for his generation. The working class rooted for the Dodgers and Giants (or the Sox or the Indians) while the middle and upper classes were Yankee fans. What I saw as virtues about the Yankees, namely their wealth of talent and consistent success, made them symbols of privilege to Grandpa Pepín. Sure, they won more games than anybody else, he conceded, but they had bought their championships, not earned them. Besides, they were a racist franchise, unwilling to use the colored ballplayers. I didn’t argue with the old man. After all, the reason I became a Yankee fan wasn’t so high-falutin: in