Ideas for Parents: A Collection of Tips, Insights, and Activities for Real-World Parenting

IDEAS

FOR

PARENTS

A COLLECTION OF

TIPS, INSIGHTS, AND ACTIVITIES

FOR REAL-WORLD PARENTING

MARK MATLOCK

CHRISTOPHER LYON

Christopher and I would like to dedicate this book to our parents: Tom and Judi Matlock, and Warren and Connie Lyon. Between the two families, they raised seven boys. We hope we make them proud even though we’ve been far from perfect along the way.

To our children: Dax and Skye Matlock, and Sam Lyon. We hope you don’t hate us for testing out all of these ideas on you first. And to our wives: Jade and Rebekah. Thanks for being super moms.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Introduction: How to Use This Book

PART 1

RELATIONSHIPS AND FEELINGS

SECTION 1: FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Parenting Q&A: Show Up and Be Real

Bart Millard of MercyMe

Parenting Q&A and Activity: Rebuild the Heart Connection with Your Child

Richard Ross

Idea: Ask Again What You Really Know

Idea: Give the Gift of Your Attention

Activity: Play Show Us Your Day

Activity: Toast Each Other

Activity: Fill the Love Jar

Wise Counsel: Say I’m Sorry Together

Steve Greenwood

SECTION 2: ADOPTION AND IDENTITY

Parenting Q&A: Growing Up Dobson

Ryan Dobson

Talk About: Adoption

Talk About: Our Eager Father

Talk About: Becoming Who We Are

SECTION 3: ANGER AND REBELLION

Wise Counsel: How to Parent an Angry Child

Terry Linhart

Talk About: How to Handle Anger

Idea: Don’t Make It about the Piercings and Tats

Talk About: The Foolish Joy of Mocking

Idea: Listen to Your Gut

Wise Counsel: Never Give Up Parenting a Difficult Teen

Mark Gregston

SECTION 4: STRESS, ANXIETY, FEAR, AND SADNESS

Idea: Counter the Culture to Protect Their Mental Health

Talk About: When God Waits, Part 1

Talk About: When God Waits, Part 2

Talk About: Fear Versus Trusting God

Activity: Play the Worst Possible Scenario Game

Talk About: Faith and Feelings

Talk About: Sadness

Talk About: Finding Peace

SECTION 5: SEX AND SELF-CONTROL

Wise Counsel: The Summer of Thirteen, a Rite of Passage

Terry and Kelly Linhart

Idea: Give Them a Strong Religious Background to Delay Sex

Idea: Don’t Wait Too Long to Talk About Sex

Idea: Show Them the Numbers on How Many Are Doing It

Idea: Point Out the New Normals for Sex in Culture

Talk About: Sex Questions

Idea: Pay Their Phone Bill to Curb Sexting

Idea: Emphasize Self-Control

Talk About: Working on Self-Control

PART 2

DAILY LIFE

SECTION 6: MEDIA MATTERS

Idea: Be Resolved That Media Choices Really Do Influence Behavior

Activity: Weekly Top Five

Idea: Ask Them to Identify Unhealthy Ingredients

Activity: What’s the Big Idea?

Talk About: Loving God and Music

Idea: Friend Them—Don’t Be Sneaky

Talk About: Reputation

Idea: Send Them to an Analog Camp

SECTION 7: MONEY

Idea: Teach Them Money Wisdom on Purpose

Talk About: Investing in What Matters

Idea: Teach Them That Money Is Influence

Talk About: How Money Fails

SECTION 8: SUCCESS

Talk About: Making Jesus the Goal

Talk About: Redefining Success

Idea: Help Them Find Their Purpose

Idea: Emphasize Hard Work over Giftedness

Idea: Teach Them Sleep Is Wise

SECTION 9: SCHOOL

Talk About: Going Back to School, Part 1

Talk About: Going Back to School, Part 2

Wise Counsel: Tackle Bullying Head On

Jonathan McKee

Idea: Help Them Not to Cheat

Idea: Help Them Not to Be Afraid of Expressing Their Faith at School

SECTION IO: CELEBRATIONS AND HOLIDAYS

Activity: Birthdays—Crown a King or Queen for a Day

Activity: New Year’s—Have a Family Year in Review

Talk About: New Year’s—A New You in the New Year

Activity: Valentine’s Day—Have a Progressive Kindness Dinner

Talk About: Valentine’s Day—Bigger Love

Activity: Easter—Celebrate a Messianic Passover With Your Family

Talk About: Easter—Making Passion Week Personal

Activity: Thanksgiving—Play Moment Soakers

Talk About: Thanksgiving—Saying Thanks

Wise Counsel: Advent—Build an Advent Tradition

Shawn Small

Activity: Christmas—Make a Mean Christmas

Talk About: Christmas—What Mary Said

PART 3

SPIRITUAL SHEPHERDING

SECTION 11: GENERAL WISDOM

Talk About: Now and Forever

Talk About: The Seasons of Life

Talk About: Humility

Talk About: Being Judgmental

Talk About: Out-the-Door Instructions

SECTION 12: MISSIONS, EVANGELISM, AND SERVICE

Talk About: Evangelism and Missions

Idea: Talk Missionally about Tragedies in the News

Wise Counsel: Send Them on a Mission Project

Richard Ross

Talk About: Evangelism

Talk About: Going and Doing

Activity: Adopt a Family

SECTION 13: ONGOING DISCIPLESHIP

Parenting Q&A: Catching Dad’s Passion for Truth

Sean McDowell

Wise Counsel: Tell Your Kids about Your Faith Life

Kara Powell

Talk About: Walking, Part 1

Talk About: Walking, Part 2

Talk About: Obeying God First

Talk About: Rules and Our Hearts

Wise Counsel: Think About Discipling Your Kids—and Their Friends

Barry St. Clair

Talk About: Faith in Action

Talk About: Countering the Culture

SECTION 14: PRAYING FOR AND WITH YOUR KIDS

Wise Counsel: Lead Your Family in Worship

Mark Matlock

Talk About: Praising God

Talk About: Praise and Worship

Wise Counsel: Pray Scripture for Your Kids

Christopher Lyon

Talk About: Praying Together

Wise Counsel: Have a Very Loud Quiet Time

Steve Greenwood

Activity: Start a Thanks Book

SECTION 15: THE BIG TRUTHS

Talk About: God’s Goodness

Talk About: The Ten Commandments

Talk About: God’s Grace

Idea: Let Them Hear You Rooting for the Grace of God

Talk About: Who Jesus Really Is

Talk About: Jesus Is Above All

Idea: Encourage Commitment to Christ When They’re Young

Talk About: What It Means to Be Saved

Talk About: Why Church Matters

Epilogue

Notes

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Copyright

About the Publisher

Share Your Thoughts

INTRODUCTION

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

IN THE MATLOCK HOUSE, I do the majority of the cooking. My wife is an excellent cook—in fact, her degree is in food management. But she doesn’t enjoy cooking as much as I do. Planning meals stresses her out. Since I work from home, cooking dinner is my commute. It helps me separate from work and reengage with the family. And I really love to cook.

That’s why you’ll find a pile of cookbooks on my nightstand. Some are really basic tomes on cooking; others are the more exotic contributions from chefs who’ve earned three Michelin stars. While not always practical for the home cook, I love reading about the elaborate preparations and flavor combinations.

While most cookbooks cost around thirty bucks, I’ve been known to spend more than a few hundred for books on some of the more eclectic, lesser-known techniques out there. (Check out Modernist Cuisine by Nathan Myhrvold on Amazon. My wife told me I needed to write a few more books before I could purchase that!) I want to provide the best meals I can for my family, and seeing others’ ideas inspires and helps me.

I’d like you to think about this book as if it were a collection of recipes for your family. As with any cookbook, it’s not meant to be read from cover to cover. Jump into the sections that interest you, given where your family is in this moment.

For instance, if you’re coming to this book as your family approaches Christmas or Easter, then section 10, Celebrations and Holidays, might have just what you need. Or if you’re worried about a son or daughter who’s seemed especially sad lately, then section 4 (Stress, Anxiety, Fear, and Sadness) may have an idea or two that could help.

You’ll notice several different kinds of articles across the different sections of the book:

PARENTING Q&A

We sat down with a few interesting and semi-famous people to ask about the wisdom they’d gained from parenting and/or being parented.

WISE COUNSEL

These are short articles written by experts in the field of parenting, youth ministry, and/or biblical teaching.

ACTIVITY

Here you’ll find something to do with your family to reinforce important ideas, build togetherness, or just—you know—have fun!

TALK ABOUT

Based on specific Scriptures, these are lists of questions to generate conversations with your child about specific biblical issues.

IDEA

These are quick, practical parenting thoughts based on recent research studies or other sources.

As with recipes some of these parenting tips you’ll follow word for word, while others you’ll adapt and modify for your own use. Some ideas may not be useful to you at all, but they may inspire you to create something of your own, like when I invented my Jamaican Jerked Chops and Apple Slaw recipe while watching an episode of The Brady Bunch with my kids. (Remember when Alice and Peter kept saying pork chops and applesauce over and over?)

Also, as is the case with some of the larger recipe collections, the ideas in this book aren’t solely my own or that of my coeditor, Christopher Lyon. We’ve gathered them from many sources, as you’ll see, including youth ministry pastors and professors, media critics, writers, musicians, and, of course, parents who’ve traveled the road before us. We expect that some of these sources, if properly Googled, will lead you to even more ideas for helping to develop and nourish the spiritual appetite of your family.

And the ideas don’t end in these pages, either! You can follow me on Twitter (@markmatlock) or get updates on our website at RealWorldParents.com (or @rwparents on Twitter). We’re constantly reading articles about families, parenting, and teens and passing them along (with a few recipes thrown in every now and then, too!).

Chris and I hope you leave this book on your nightstand and refer to it often as you help your family walk more and more deeply and satisfyingly in the story of God.

Bon appétit!

—Mark

P.S. If you’d like to find out what I mean when I talk about real world parents, the first two books in the Real World Parents series are written in a more traditional book format. If you haven’t already, check out Real World Parents and Raising Wise Children for a much more linear explanation of what it means to parent from within the story of God.

PART 1

RELATIONSHIPS

AND

FEELINGS

SECTION 1

FAMILY

RELATIONSHIPS

THIS SECTION OFFERS REAL WORLD PARENTS some practical advice on how to deepen and expand family connections. You know, of course, that you should be more than just housemates with your kids; but as their lives become as busy as yours, that feeling of belonging together can fade.

How do I maintain those bonds with my kids? What can I do if I sense that my kids are pulling away in an unhealthy manner? And what can we actually do together that will be more meaningful than staring at different screens in the same room?

This section will address those questions and more.

SECTION CONTENTS:

• Parenting Q&A with Bart Millard of MercyMe: Show Up and Be Real

• Parenting Q&A and Activity with Richard Ross: Rebuild the Heart Connection with Your Child

• Idea: Ask Again What You Really Know

• Idea: Give the Gift of Your Attention

• Activity: Play Show Us Your Day

• Activity: Toast Each Other

• Activity: Fill the Love Jar

• Wise Counsel from Steve Greenwood: Say I’m Sorry Together

PARENTING Q&A

SHOW UP AND BE REAL

BART MILLARD OF MERCYME

BART MILLARD, lead singer of the hugely popular Christian music group MercyMe, was at one time an unlikely candidate to become either an internationally recognized recording artist or a representative for Christ from stages around the globe. Growing up, his home life was often challenging at best, leaving him cold toward the big ideas taught at the church he was forced to attend.

But something changed during his freshman year in high school. More specifically, someone changed. Bart’s dad responded to a crisis in their lives by drawing close to God in a way he’d never done before—and Bart was watching. That response not only changed Bart’s relationship with God and with his dad, but it’s still impacting his parenting choices today.

What was your family like growing up?

My parents divorced when I was three. My dad was verbally abusive. He never laid a finger on Mom, but he was a very big and strong guy. If there was a diamond necklace she loved, he would destroy that in front of her—that kind of guy. It was pretty rough.

We lived with her for a while, from when I was about three years old until third grade. I [spent] every other weekend with my dad.

And then my mom remarried. She had actually been married once already to [my] extremely abusive stepdad [who] had broken her arm. She got out of that marriage and remarried again to a really great guy, and he was transferred [from Dallas] to San Antonio.

My brother [Stephen], who’s five years older than I am, really wanted to stay with his friends, and he had a really great relationship with my dad—we both did. So [my parents] decided they would let Stephen stay with dad and live in the Dallas area and go to school. And they didn’t want to separate my brother and me.

I ended up living with my dad from third grade up until I was on my own, [which happened] when he passed away when I was nineteen. So I spent most of my life with my dad. I would see my mom on holidays.

My dad was a scary guy to live with. He had a really bad temper. But I was a pretty rebellious kid at times early in life. I found myself getting in trouble a lot and kind of paying the price, too. My dad spanked me a lot.

And then in my freshman year in high school, my father was diagnosed with cancer. That was probably one of the best things that happened to me and my dad, which is kind of ironic. But that’s when my dad got his life right with Christ. He started to fall intimately in love with Jesus. And by the time my freshman year in college came around, when my father passed away, he had gone from [being] this guy I was really afraid of becoming one day to a guy I wanted to be when I grew up.

Bart, you’ve told me your dad made you go to church every Sunday, even though he didn’t go. But it wasn’t until your dad started falling in love with Jesus himself that you really connected to God. What would you say to parents who take their kids to church every Sunday but don’t go themselves? Talk a little about how the authenticity of your father’s transformation made a real difference in your life.

First, I do give him credit for just making me go to church, because there was structure there that didn’t exist in my life growing up. Dad would get me to church. He’d make the church van come and pick me up at home. He’d get me there.

There was definitely a little double standard. The guy was incredibly mean-tempered. He could lose it at any moment, but [he would say], You’re going to church. I used to resist that. But it did instill in me that there’s definitely a need to be there.

And then when he was diagnosed, something changed to where all of this going-to-church business took on life. I started seeing a transformation in my dad when no one else was watching, which was very unusual for me. I saw somebody making godly decisions and apologizing and encouraging and doing these things I’d heard about in church but had never happened to me.

The Bible would be left open by his bed every night, and I saw his attitude transform in front of me. I started seeing what it meant to actually have a relationship with Christ—to intimately love Christ. That’s when everything changed for me in a huge way. All of a sudden, I had a desire to be a part of the body of Christ.

It’s huge for any kid to go through that when they’re in the middle of high school, in the middle of knowing everything and thinking they’ve got it all together—to see my dad wither away but at the same time become stronger and stronger in his faith.

In addition to your dad letting you see how God was changing him, is there anything else your parents did for you in the middle of all the craziness of your growing-up years that turned out to be really positive?

There are things I’m grateful for. With all of the selfishness taking place between my mom and dad, looking back, it’s beyond me that they would ever consider keeping my brother and me together. And that was really important. My relationship with my brother is pretty incredible now because we stuck through this together.

Also, as far as my singing and wanting to go into ministry, my dad was very supportive of what I did, even though he knew it would be a long road and the odds of successfully doing it are pretty slim. Maybe it’s because he was diagnosed by the time we actually started talking about what I wanted to do, but he was very adamant that you need to do what you love and what you feel God is calling you to do.

And my dad was very generous. We didn’t have much growing up, but in the Christmas season, even when dad seemed to be at his worst, he would go to great lengths to try to make somebody’s Christmas a little better. He would always tell us that even if you don’t have anything, if you have something to give to somebody else, it’s going to make you feel like you have a lot.

It’s just a little ironic to look at these moments of him being very noble. I’ve probably made him such a hero because of the last few years. Now I’m going through and trying to acknowledge some of the bad traits he passed on to me and things that have scarred me.

For a long time after someone passes away, you make him a martyr and you refuse to say anything bad about him. And sometimes it’s a strain on your own marriage if you don’t acknowledge that and realize there are things about [you] that are very much like [that person] and not productive at all.

So you think it helps you as a spouse and parent to be able to be honest and recognize both the positive and negative in your own parents?

Yes, absolutely. Some parents probably take it a little too far and blame their parents for everything they do wrong. When anything is out of balance, you’ve got to find the other side of it. I went through a long time where I was like, He was the greatest person ever. I refused to admit that more times than not, he was a very, very bad father until the last few years of his life.

I always said, we had issues and my dad was a rough father, but I never specifically addressed the issues I see my wife having a hard time with in me [now]. The worst thing a parent could ever say to himself or to his children or wife is, That’s just the way I am. [If you do that,] there’s no room for change. You’ve already surrendered to the fact that this is what you’re going to be from now on, and that’s a horrible place to put the rest of your family. You’re not willing to realize [that] God has called you to be who he is and anything’s possible to overcome.

What are some messages that are vitally important for parents—maybe especially single parents—to give to their kids?

When my oldest son was two, he was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember sitting him down a little later in life, when he could comprehend what we were talking about, and explaining to him that this was no mistake. [I told him,] "It’s not like God didn’t see this coming. You’re not an accident. This is exactly what God had planned for you. And the best thing you can do is to hit it head on and think, God must have something amazing planned for me to shape me this way and put me through this."

I realized after telling my son this [that] that’s exactly where I was when I was a kid. My parents’ divorce didn’t shock God. It didn’t sneak up on him. Before we ever took a breath, he knew the difficult things we were going to go through.

And the crazy thing is, if that’s what it takes for my life to glorify him, then I believe he will do it. If he can put his perfect Son on the cross, then I’m pretty sure he’s capable of doing anything he wants to me. God knows me better than I know myself. People ask, Would you ever change anything that’s taken place? I don’t think I could do that because there’s a risk [that] I wouldn’t be who I am today.

For whatever reason, God saw fit that this was the journey I was supposed to take. So the best advice I can give to single parents or even terminally ill parents or parents with terminally ill kids is that even though it looks incredibly out of control right now, God is still in control. He never steps off his throne. He never blinks. He never turns his back on you. This is exactly what he had in store for you. Even though it’s hard to swallow and it doesn’t make it hurt any less, if we start to believe that God at some point has lost the smallest ounce of control, then we are in much bigger trouble than what we’re facing right now.

You wrote the song Bring the Rain, which has a very similar message of trusting that God’s plan for us is the best plan—even when it’s painful. I think a lot of Christian parents are trying to avoid adversity or suffering, but that’s something that seems to come with the Christian life. Can suffering be an opportunity for parents to show their kids the power of God?

People become obsessed with trying to protect their kids, as if they could avoid tragedy by keeping them locked away. Some people just stop living because they’re afraid. It’s missing the joy of riding a horse or a motorcycle or doing something that brings you alive because you’re afraid you might fall. Man, what a sad, sad way to live. It’s heartbreaking.

When we were recording Bring the Rain, our producer kept saying, Are you sure that’s what you want to sing?

I told him, You know, it’s inevitable. I’m not asking for it. Lord knows, I don’t want it, at all. But it’s just a part of life. And I don’t want to stop living. I want to embrace life as much as I possibly can.

One of the things that helped you to really connect to God in this way was seeing the transformation in your father from sinner to almost saint. But you and I already had a relationship with God when we started raising our kids. So instead of seeing this radical change from terrible to better, our kids are forced