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Healing the Masculine Soul: God's Restoration of Men to Real Manhood
Healing the Masculine Soul: God's Restoration of Men to Real Manhood
Healing the Masculine Soul: God's Restoration of Men to Real Manhood
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Healing the Masculine Soul: God's Restoration of Men to Real Manhood

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In his groundbreaking book fifteen years ago, Gordon Dalbey identified the fact that men's souls have been torn between strength and sensitivity. Today, the situation is even worse. The politically correct crowd cries out for men to be more sensitive, to tame their masculine nature. On the opposing side, the media bombards men with "macho" images of violence and lust. Is it any wonder men are left bewildered about who they should be?

In this newly revised and updated edition of Healing the Masculine Soul, Dalbey claims that there's hope for restoration, hope for healing-because Christ has come to heal us. God is calling men out to a relationship with Himself and calling them out to authentic manhood. "Our task is not to curse our manhood, but to redeem it," he writes.

Gordon Dalbey's refreshing, comprehensive picture of God's design for the masculine soul dares men to be as God created them to be-not as society demands. Dalbey tackles the tough issues, including work, sexuality, marriage, and fatherhood.

Book includes Study Guide.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherThomas Nelson
Release dateSep 9, 2003
ISBN9781418515577
Author

Gordon Dalbey

Gordon Dalbey is a popular speaker at conferences and retreats around the world. He has appeared on numerous radio and television programs, including: Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, and The Minirth-Meier Clinic. The author of Healing the Masculine Soul, his articles have appeared in New Man, Reader's Digest, Leadership, Focus on the Family, Catholic Digest, Christian Herald and The Los Angeles Times. He is a graduate of Duke University and holds an M.A. in journalism from Stanford University and an M.Div. from Harvard University. A former Peace Corps Volunteer (Nigeria), news reporter, high school teacher, and pastor, he lives in Santa Barbara, California, with his wife and son.

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Healing the Masculine Soul - Gordon Dalbey

HEALING THE

MASCULINE SOUL

OTHER BOOKS

BY GORDON DALBEY

Sons of the Father: Healing the Father-Wound in Men Today Fight Like a Man: Redeeming Manhood for Kingdom Warfare No Small Snakes: A Journey into Spiritual Warfare

Those wishing to contact Gordon Dalbey for speaking engagements or additional resources may do so at the following address:

Rev. Gordon Dalbey

P.O. Box 61042

Santa Barbara, CA 93160

www.abbafather.com

HEALING THE

MASCULINE SOUL

How God Restores Men to Real Manhood

GORDON DALBEY

Healing_the_Masculine_Soul_0003_001

HEALING THE MASCULINE SOUL

© 1988, 2003 by Gordon Dalbey.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Good News Bible: The Bible in Today’s English Version, © 1976 by the American Bible Society. Used by permission.

Other Scripture references are from the following sources:

The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). © 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

The New English Bible (NEB), © the Delegates of Oxford University Press and the Syndics of the Cambridge University Press, 1961, 1970. Reprinted by permission.

The Living Bible (TLB), © 1971 by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Ill. Used by permission.

The Message (The Message), © 1993. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

The Revised Standard Version of the Bible (RSV), © 1946, 1952, 1971, 1973 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. and used by permission.

Every effort has been made to trace the ownership of copyrighted material used in this book and to secure permission for its use. Should there be any inadvertent error or omission, the publishers will be pleased to make the necessary corrections in future printings.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Dalbey, Gordon, 1944—

Healing the masculine soul.

p. cm.

bibliography:

ISBN 978-0-8499-4438-3 (tp)

1. Men—Psychology. 2. Masculinity (Psychology). 3. Sex role. 4. Men—Religious life. I. Title.

  BF692.5.D35 1988

  55.6 32 88—17679

Printed in the United States of America

08 09 10 11 12 QW  18 17 16 15 14

This book is dedicated to my father, who taught me by example to value integrity, to search beyond appearances after truth, to appreciate life as a gift from God, and, therefore, to find its meaning in serving others.

CONTENTS

Preface to the Revised Edition

Introduction: Recognizing the Wound

1. The Lion Speaks

2. Out from the Womb

3. Come Out, Son of Our People!

4. She Left Me!

5. From Love Bug to Faith: Sexuality and Spirituality

6. To Corral the Stallion

7. Lost Among Men: A Nonpolitical View of Homosexuality

8. Warrior Redeemed

9. Boots for a Working Man

10. The Father and the Man:

Of Fathers and Sons

11. The Father and the Man:

Of Fathers and Daughters

12. To Know the Father

13. Where Are All the Men?

Why Men Don’t Go to Church

14. Rational and Independent, Faithless and Alone

15. An Ancient Mama’s Boy Is Called Out:

Wrestling with the Father for New Life

Epilogue: The Mirror of Truth

Study Guide

Notes

Healing_the_Masculine_Soul_0009_001

PREFACE TO

THE REVISED EDITION

This book is like admiring a 1957 Chevrolet Caprice in 1957— one recognizes that the car has nice lines, but can one recognize that it might well become a classic?

Early in the winter of 1989, soon after Healing the Masculine Soul first appeared, one Christian magazine offered the above review. ¹

Forty-four years old at the time, I had no idea then of the book’s future, but I treasured a deep sense of its past.

How long did it take you to write it? many asked.

Forty-four years, I replied.

This book grew out of one man’s desperation to escape the self-defeating contest between the world’s macho domination from the past and its politically correct passivity that was fast claiming the future.

I found help in unexpected places. A 1983 newspaper interview with Robert Bly, whose best-selling Iron John would later establish him as the godfather of the secular men’s movement, stunned me with truths I had never before heard in church.² Later, Leanne Payne’s insightful Christian perspective on men’s issues in her 1986 book Crisis in Masculinity gave me hope that Christian women were ready to recognize men’s wounds.

Here were exciting explorations on the frontiers of masculinity by a secular man and a Christian woman. Was there no Christian man to pioneer the journey?

Of such stirrings, Healing the Masculine Soul was conceived.

When Word Publishing first considered the manuscript in 1987, the unique needs of men had not yet appeared on the church’s radar screen. Intrigued, the editors flew me to Dallas to explain why I thought men would read such a book.

This is really my personal story, I confessed, but it sounds like all the men I know.

Gamely,Word published the book, and largely by word of mouth, it soon spread around the country. It’s just truth, truth, and more truth, as one man wrote me.

I was encouraged when Shirley Dobson discovered the book and talked to her husband about it. My consequent Focus on the Family interviews with Dr. James Dobson in 1991 drew a volume of listener response in the top 10 percent of the show’s history. The call for healing in men was clearly ahead of its time. Those same interviews were rebroadcast in 1998 virtually unchanged, and yet again in 2003.

Before long, a variety of Christian leaders had indeed discovered and owned the need for men’s healing. In his 1992 autobiography, I Almost Missed the Sunset, Bill Gaither—whose annual Indianapolis Praise Gatherings have included workshops with scores of authors over the years—mentioned only one book other than the Bible: "One book that has had a tremendous impact on me is Healing the Masculine Soul."³

Among non-Christian men, the book has drawn praise, though often confused. As one radio host in San Francisco puzzled, Your writing has some great truth for men.Why do you need all the talk about Jesus? If you took that part out, you could sell a lot more. But, of course, without Jesus, I could never have written the book.

As the response from men gathered momentum, the strong reaction among women surprised me.Many women who had been hurt by men and saw no recourse for their pain—who had never seen a man own his wounds and take responsibility for his healing—saw my book as a lightning rod for their frustration. Some approached me at mixed events, brandishing the book like a club overhead and fuming, I keep telling my husband he needs to read this book! I joke that this is why we had to publish a paperback edition—to protect the men from being struck with the hardcover!

Once, at a pre-conference dinner, a pastor’s wife sitting across the table from me suddenly burst out angrily, I want you to know that when I first read page 79 in your book, I threw it against the wall!

Choking on an errant noodle, I managed a professional smile. Uh…page 79?

Yes! she seethed, clanging her butter knife onto a plate and bringing the dinner-table conversations to an embarrassed standstill. And then, dropping her head in dismay, she murmured, I know what you said is true, but it’s so hard for me to accept it!

The truths herein are timeless.Yet, many new Christian ministries for men have arisen since 1988, from Promise Keepers to The National Center for Fathering. Among churches, the inability of both liberal ideology and conservative morality to address men’s heartfelt needs is becoming painfully clear. AIDS has erupted as an international epidemic, even as churches split over the issue of homosexuality. These stirrings have intensified in men a longing for the clarity and healing to which this book beckons.

Even a classic car benefits from a tune-up and new paint job. The fifteenth anniversary of this book’s release is an appropriate opportunity to update it with the clarity of perspective that the years now provide and require.

In my early forties, out of my own brokenness and need for healing, I begged God to show me my life as He saw it, resurrect in me the vitality of His Spirit, and so restore me to His destiny for me as a man. Healing the Masculine Soul grew out of the Father’s response to that prayer.

I pray He will use this new edition to do the same for you.

As the apostle Paul proclaimed to the early church at Rome,

God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, What’s next, Papa? (Rom. 8:14–16, The Message)

Healing_the_Masculine_Soul_0013_001

INTRODUCTION

RECOGNIZING THE WOUND

Born in 1944, today I span a history that has painfully challenged my sense of manhood. A war baby, I grew up playing sandlot soldier in my white suburban neighborhood with boys whose mothers were all housewives. After graduating from a private, then-segregated university in 1964, I went to Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer and later taught at a junior high school in the Latino community of San Jose, California. By the 1970s, I had become an enthusiastic supporter of civil rights, women’s liberation, and the antiwar movement. In effect, I had become part of a generation of men who actively rejected our childhood macho image of manhood—which suddenly seemed to us the cornerstone of racism, sexism, and militarism.

The seventies, however, offered us no model of authentic manhood inspiring enough to replace the boyhood image in our hearts. Lacking that, we could only reject our manhood itself as we rejected the macho image.

By the 1980s, alienated from our masculine heritage and intimidated by a growing host of strong women, we had become fearfully lost and vulnerable in the very culture we struggled to foster years before. In the 1990s, further confusion—from prime-time gay sitcoms to diamond earrings on NBA all-stars—jammed us between the proverbial rock and a hard place. It was too late to return to the male chauvinism of the past, but far too early to embrace the gender-muddling that lay ahead.

Today, most men realize that in rejecting the old macho image, we gained a deeper sensitivity to ourselves and others. But as we’ve entered the new millennium, we wonder what we’ve lost.

Meanwhile, this lack of centeredness in men has fueled not only anger but an epidemic of destructive behaviors, from self-abusive addictions to social crime. Too often, however, the debate over male dysfunction has focused on arresting and punishing the behaviors without recognizing and healing their root causes.

Likely because they have always been the first to suffer its effects,women were first to acknowledge the problem,with a host of literary red flags: Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them; Smart Women, Foolish Choices; Women Who Love Too Much, to name a few.

Women had always bought more books than men, and publishers were quick to capitalize on that. In these books, as author Howard Halpern noted, men—immature, impossible, and self-centered—are the villains. Indeed, referring to his own book, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person,Halpern declared that "although it has sold well among both sexes, I have always known that if I had call it How to Break Your Addiction to the Wrong Man, it would sell two or three times as much."

To his credit, Halpern did not yield to such a temptation, for two reasons:

First, the problem of being trapped by a destructive, frustrating, or unfulfilling relationship they cannot leave is shared by both men and women. Second, I did not want to contribute to the negative atmosphere created by those male-bashing books. It doesn’t do men any good to be defined as bad, immature, wrong, women-haters, rats, etc., and it’s a disservice to women to define them as either helpless or constantly fighting to avoid victimization by their lovers or spouses.¹

Halpern is to be commended for not joining what he called this early male-bashing bonanza among book publishers. At the same time, any honest man knows that we men share in a great deal of brokenness. Certainly, we may cling to addictive relationships as fearfully as women, and perhaps for the same reasons, such as fear of loneliness and rejection. But common diagnosis does not require uniform prescription. As the medicine and treatment must be tailored to each individual’s body chemistry and lifestyle, so a prescription for healing the man must be based upon the male nature and experience.

Recently, in fact, women’s unwillingness to recognize men’s wounds as the root of our dysfunction was decisively challenged by feminist author Susan Faludi’s Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man²—an unlikely but welcome sequel to her 1990 bestseller Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women.³

Robert Bly’s immensely successful 1990 classic Iron John blazed the trail for the secular men’s movement, and the phenomenal rise of Promise Keepers in the mid-90s stirred a whole new readership among Christian men.With men and women, both Christian and secular, advocating our cause, our healing might seem to be ensured if not readily accomplished.

Yet, as a man who views my masculinity—as all aspects of life—from the perspective of Christian spirituality, I found myself often frustrated with many of these male-oriented books and ministries. The secular writers either offered no spiritual view at all or promoted pagan New Age practices explicitly condemned in the Bible. All too often, the Christian authors simply exhorted men to higher behavior standards, ignoring not only our wounds and psychological insights, but biblically authenticated spiritual experience as well.

In the Bible, godly exhortation finds its mark only after encounter with the Living God. The Ten Commandments, for example, are given in the wilderness context of God’s acting to save His people. God therefore introduces the commandments not with a halftime pep talk to win the battle against sin, but rather with a reminder of His authority by virtue of that saving encounter:

I am the LORD your God who brought you out of Egypt, where you were slaves.Worship no god but me. (Exod. 20:2–3)

Needed, therefore, was a book portraying not only our real-life problems as men today, but also the God whose word is alive and active (Heb. 4:12) even now, who is struggling with and for us to find solutions, and who confirms His written Word through dreams, visions, parables, prophecies, and the entire range of biblical spirituality. As the apostle reminded the men of the early church:

Our brothers, we know that God loves you and has chosen you to be his own. For we brought the Good News to you, not with words only, but also with power and the Holy Spirit. (1 Thess. 1:4–5)

Above all, therefore, we need to know and draw close to the God who has demonstrated unto death and resurrection that He will both stand with us where we are and lead us into the new life we long for.

But to let God meet us where we are, we must know where we are. And such truth-telling can often be painful.

We must distinguish here between a male-basher and a Christian truth-teller, according to the goal. The former may seek revenge, or to portray the woman as superior. But for the Christian, the truth must be spoken in a spirit of love (Eph. 4:15), so that the body be built up, the relationship restored, the community affirmed (v. 16). The faithful truth-teller, like Jesus on the cross, does not surrender to a spirit of either vengeance or pride—but rather to the God who alone heals through death unto life, who instructs the yielded heart when to move in compassion, and when to confront with truth.

The most succinct and faithful portrayal of our problem as men today—balancing both hard truth and hopeful compassion, offering both secular and spiritual remedy—I found in a short article pointedly titled, Healing the Tear in the Masculine Soul, by Ted Dobson, a Catholic priest. Declaring that men today have excluded themselves from the most important issues of life, Dobson enumerates:

Often they are not active members of their own families, unable to have effective relationships with significant others, and unknowledgeable about how to rear their children. They often separate themselves from religion—that is, from developing a relationship with the center of the universe. They are often emotionally undeveloped, and their ability to care for and be cared for is stunted. They often recoil from personal growth; many a counselor will report that in marriage difficulties the male rarely sees any problem in himself, that he refuses to admit any responsibility for the problems, and that he especially refuses to change.

Dobson traces this brokenness in men to the fact that boys lack sufficient contact with their fathers to generate a healthy masculine self-image. Indeed, in a brilliant insight, he says that the essential macho characteristic of appearing remote simply reflects the remoteness of fathers from their sons. If a physically and/or emotionally distant father defines masculinity for the boy, he communicates that manliness requires standing aloof from others.

Such enforced alienation stunts a man’s spiritual growth:

Spiritually, faith is considered by many men at the most to be a personal matter of which they would rarely talk, but more often to be a woman’s area of concern, for it implies a lack of independence and self-assurance that does not coincide with their macho self-image.

Dobson concludes:

There is a tear in the masculine soul—a gaping hole or wound that leads to a profound insecurity. The German psychologist, Alexander Mitscherlich, has written that society has torn the soul of the male, and into this tear demons have fled—demons of insecurity, selfishness, and despair. Consequently, men do not know who they are as men. Rather, they define themselves by what they do, who they know, or what they own.

The hope Dobson proclaims is precisely that of our faith:

As we bring our insecurity, unforgiveness, and immature thought/ behavior patterns to the Lord honestly and vulnerably, He can free us from our pain and weakness and both lead and empower us to live a new way.

Acknowledging that for most men such an inner journey is yet foreign territory, Dobson nevertheless offers a powerful vision of a society of men who have thus dared to let God heal them of the tear in their masculine souls:

Unfortunately for themselves, their families, and their communities, (men) have been satisfied with surface definitions of their masculinity, and have not probed the wonders of their deep masculine selves. Were they to choose to do so, our world would be a much different place, for men would be able once again to truly lead, guide, and direct their own lives and others. They would be able to carry their fair share of the burdens of our human and Christian communities. They would once again be truly able to enjoy their lives, not in selfishness, but in the wonder of contributing their strength for the well-being of others.

Excited by Dobson’s words even as they convicted me, I found myself wishing for a more comprehensive resource, a book that would portray both the tear in our masculine souls and God’s power to heal it.

My own thoughts crystallized when, in seeking male resources, I came upon my local school district’s adult education catalog. Searching hopefully through the Self-Help and Improvement section, I was struck by the rich variety of listings aimed at women. Some were named directly after a book, such as Smart Women, Foolish Choices, while others proclaimed broader concerns, such as Assertiveness Training for Women. Even the aerobics classes, with their exhortations to flatten your tummy and firm up those thighs, were clearly for women.

The catalog listed no course designed explicitly for men.

Frustrated over this apparent lack of concern for men’s needs, it occurred to me that I myself might offer such a course. Certainly, I had to consider the likelihood that no course existed simply because no men really wanted it. Yet my own struggles and those of the men I knew testified convincingly that whether or not we men want to get together and share our needs, we clearly need to. Our collective pain over marital problems, job uncertainties, confusion in fathering, self-doubts and the like, cries out for an audience of fellow men—brothers in both suffering and hope, fellow soldiers battling together after victory.

I decided that a secular audience would be the best testing ground for my ideas, out of the biblical understanding that the nonbeliever is better qualified to judge whether or not an activity manifests the authentic presence of God (1 Cor. 14:24–25). Your own family is often too easy an audience.

And so I wrote to the principal of the local adult education school, expressing my concern for men’s needs and outlining a proposed course to address those needs, titled, For Men Only: Reclaiming Manhood in the Modern Age. I had tailored my proposal around four basic roles by which most of us judge our masculinity: son of the father, warrior, lover of a woman, and provider.

From the outset, I felt it best to exclude women from the course. Most men, I assumed, have shared more of their honest feelings and needs with women than with other men. Women are simply more receptive to such sharing, more skilled in it, and therefore might too readily dominate the discussions. Our problem today as men is not that we have failed to bond with women, but rather, with our own, manly selves.

If indeed we have failed to bond with women, it’s because we haven’t first bonded with our own manhood—recognized, accepted, celebrated, employed it. In the course, I didn’t want to short-circuit our modern-day fear of masculinity, as reflected in our fear of other men, but rather to face it, to experience it, and in such a controlled classroom environment, to gain victory over it.

Without having thus bonded with his own masculine self, I believe that a man’s effort to bond with a woman can only be an escape from this, his true self.

At the same time, my enlightened sensitivities balked.Was a class for men simply another effort to exclude women as a reflection of male pride and control? I decided it was not. Rather,my course was designed to help men become strong enough in their own manly selves to affirm women in their feminine selves and, thereby, to be less threatened by them.

Nevertheless, I knew that any public school programming today would be bound by legal restraints against sexism, and when the principal finally invited me for an interview to present my course proposal, I prepared an extensive argument in its behalf.

I entered his office both uncertain and uneasy. Setting my several thick files of newspaper clippings, magazine articles, bibliographies, and the like on his desk, I shook his hand gingerly and sat down.

Well, Mr. Dalbey, I’m glad to meet you, he said quickly, with an enthusiasm that surprised me. Almost before I could respond, he had pulled out a large course-scheduling sheet. Now when would you like me to schedule your course? he invited, pen poised.

Startled by such immediate receptivity, I hesitated. Oh, I . . . uh, that is . . . Thursday nights, I replied. Catching myself, I reached very casually for my files and drew them onto my lap and out of sight. Yes, the first four Thursday evenings of the term would be fine, I declared, nodding my head and smiling engagingly as he penned in the dates.

Amazing! I thought.No third-degree questioning, no reservation at all!

Within five minutes, the principal had secured my class in the upcoming schedule and was thanking me profusely for my interest in his school. Realizing that I had nothing to lose, I decided to ask him directly why he was so quick to accept my course proposal.

I must confess I’d prepared quite an argument for my course, expecting you’d balk at it for excluding women, I said. Frankly, I’m curious why you were so . . . receptive to it.

Well . . . , he began, hesitating. We’ve been having a few questions lately from federal examiners.

Puzzled, I shrugged my shoulders. I guess I don’t understand what you mean.

You know, questions over sex discrimination in our courses.

Now you’ve got me even more baffled, I confessed. That’s just what I was afraid of, that you might run into trouble for having a course for men only.

No, no, he exclaimed amiably. "I don’t mean discrimination against women, but against men. The problem is that we have so many courses for women only and nothing at all for men.With your course, we can at last show the federal examiners that we’re making an effort to balance that out."

I shook my head in amazement. Wow—the pendulum has really swung, hasn’t it?

Smiling thinly, he nodded. We’ll be looking forward to your course.

In the weeks prior to the first class, I sent over two hundred course announcements to clergy, social workers, therapists, and community groups. In addition, the course was advertised in the regular adult school catalog. Still, only eight men showed up.

Disappointed at the

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