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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Audiobook6 hours

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Written by Chelsea Handler

Narrated by Cassandra Campbell

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

3.5/5

()

About this audiobook

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.
LanguageEnglish
Release dateAug 25, 2008
ISBN9781400178261
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Author

Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She was the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

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Reviews for My Horizontal Life

Rating: 3.4922839758230455 out of 5 stars
3.5/5

972 ratings78 reviews

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  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    The record seems to skip on some words/complete phrases. I’m pretty sure it’s the recording. Because when I backed up the audio it skipped at the same spots. You can still enjoy the stories, but it’s a bit annoying. Also it’s not read by the author. She sounds kinda bored.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5

    This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?


    My Horizontal Life was definitely not my kind of book, but I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive.


    Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.


    I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.


    It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. Again, maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.


    That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.


    If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.

  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    funny, easy read...liked it better than her other book
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A collections of humorous and often outrageous stories of dating, sex, and adventures with friends. Chelsea Handler is a woman who loves men and this passion often gets her into trouble. Luckily, Chelsea has no shame so the rest of us get to enjoy these wild escapades with her. A funny book that will make you laugh aloud and be unable to explain in public.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Loved it as always but would have been even better with Chelsea as the narrator. Its one of the reasons I listen to her books. She's great at story telling and you feel like you're actually watching her!
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    So I really wanted to like this. Really. I expected slightly raunchy, funny stories about the author's mis-adventures with men. Well, it was that. I was a little appalled at the mean-spirited nature of some of the humor, though, and that turned me off of the book for long stretches.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This book was seriously laugh-out-loud funny! As the title portrays, it is a collection of Chelsea Handler's one-night stands, but she is such a fantastic story teller that I could not put it down! I picked it up after I started watching her show on E!. I was just hoping she was as funny in the book as she is on the show. I think the book might have even been better! I cannot wait to read her other books.
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    An example of why you should always listen to a preview first. This sounds like its being read by a Stephen Hawking robot voice - which actually makes it pretty unsettling.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I watch Chelsea Handler's late night show on tv and the disconnect between her professional-young-woman look and foul-mouthed retelling of her sexual expoits is quite funny and I looked forward to more of the same in the book. However, the humour lies in her drunken exploits picking up a myriad of men and then her personal insults against them, whether it be their 'size', personal habits, looks, intelligence or housekeeping ability. There are several side characters, all of whom might have been interesting, but the information on them is restricted to how much money they have and their sexual habits or lack of them. Again, insults abound. The only character who is described in any kind of detail is her father - a racist, homophobic, certifiable eccentric of a secondhand car dealer, not a description that is in any way believable but still amusing to read.

    The initial chapters read well, but it became steadily more tedious and I had to force myself to read the last few chapters just because I really hate not finishing books.

    Humour is a very individual thing. What I like you may not and vice-versa so the two-star rating reflects only my opinion and not a rating of how good the book is or is not.

  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Hilarious!
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    Spectacularly unfunny. I'm no prude. This book could've been hilarious. It just wasn't funny.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    Very disappointing.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Chelsea Handler is hilarious! It was as though she was sitting with me narrating the entire time; she does a great job capturing her voice in words. I will definitely be reading her other books!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This book is wrong in so many ways.
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    Another book that I should have left alone. Clearly there is a wit in there but this collection of one night stands had nothing to offer. I found them dull and honestly boring. Her early life at home is funny but she lost it with the one night stands.
    For example. She has a black boyfriend so after its over she has to get another black guy. OK, she drinks non stop and he is a tea totaler, nothing funny there, takes him home and realises he has a huge dick that she will not accomodate so they "make out" a bit and then sleep in her bed only to be woken up by her dad who came home early and the boyfriend has to make his escape out of the window. You see how dull I made it? Well at least you did not have to pay me to read this crap. For such a "provocative" book, it is sooooo straight and innocent and naive and dull. How the fuck did it make it to the NY times best seller list?

    Honestly, I had to stop reading half way through. I can just hope that it got better in the second half.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    This book is strangely addictive... so many adjective come to mind... raunchy, fun, dumb, informative, learn-from-other's-mistakes, quick read, etc etc etc. I know it doesn't make any sense. But it is actually an ok book. She seems to have had fun writing it that's for sure!
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    Stupid, insipid...this was supposed to be funny, but really it's pathetic.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    An amusing and entertaining autobiography of a woman who has gained success as a late night host. She describes her drinking, drugs, and sex adventures. She truly has been in some odd situations. It is interesting how such a looser could now be a success.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    Nothing special. Not particularly funny or witty. The only part that was really enjoyable was the part with the M&M costume.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    The subtitle of this book is “A Collection of One Night Stands” and that about says it all. Ms. Handler is a comedienne and with a self-abasing sense of humor shares with her readers her experiences (many) with one-night stands. We have all had one or, if unwilling to admit to our own, know someone who has (wink, wink) so there will be at least one story in this book that rings true.

    The topic may seem risqué and, quite frankly, sometimes the book runs to questioning any morals the author may have, but it was meant to be a fun book … not to be taken too seriously and that is exactly what it is. Take it or leave it, it had its laugh out loud moments and an interesting cast of characters, some of whom I wouldn’t mind having in my life as friends.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Chelsea Handler is fall down - or should I say lay down - funny. There is no question her books are riddled with liberal embellishments, but it doesn't matter. Her world-view prism is hilarious and caustic. She's confirmed as my favorite female humorous memoirist.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Hilarious! I learned some many new cuss words.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I don't know exactly how I should describe this book. If you are familiar with the style of comedy that Chelsea performs, then you are pretty well prepared for what you would find in the book. Her abrasive, irreverent, charming style flows in each of the essays of the book. Each essay gives people a better understanding of Chelsea's views on sexuality, relationships, and alcohol, as well as the support system that she's had in her life.

    There are essays that are more disturbing than others. For example, in the very first essay, Chelsea describes walking in on her parents while they were having sex, taking a picture of them, then hiding in the basement because her father wants to punish her by hitting her. He doesn't get to do so that night,of the but, after charming her into letting him take her to school, he hits her that morning and takes her to school with a busted lip. Some might find this to be acceptable, but I felt like it was a bit abhorrent behavior. Of course, it wasn't as bad as when he made lascivious comments about Chelsea's body later in the book and how attractive he found her. He also made other comments in other essays where he comes off as homophobic and racist, including trying to call the police on one of Chelsea's boyfriends because he thinks he must have stolen a car (one that rightfully belonged to the boyfriend) because of the color of his skin.

    Chelsea also has moments where she acts quite ignorant, and those were times when I almost put down the book. She is extremely judgmental, moreso than I ever expected. She makes slurs often, and is not above belittling those who try to be nice to her. She makes fun of her sexually inexperienced roommate for being a virgin, which is just as bad as when others mock her for her experience and comfort with being sexual. She is quick to play to stereotypes, including ones that are degrading to her own life, heritage, and background. Because of this self-deprecating style, she ends up coming off as someone who may have more issues with her self-esteem than you'd expect,

    Potential readers need to know that the book, though marketed as being about her one-night stands, is more about Chelsea's friendships, family members, and longer-term relationships. She has more relationships in the book than she does one-night stands. People also need to be of the aware that her schtick about needing vodka or booze of any kind is also present throughout the book. I doubt of the anyone would be surprised by that, but just in case you are, you can't say that you weren't warned. Chelsea also admits to using a variety of substances and has friends who use illegal drugs, as well.

    Other than the substances, the bigotry, and the other acts that I have mentioned, the book comes off as humorous and fun. Chelsea is more awkward than I would have expected. And her experiences explain a lot about her sense of humor. I don't mean for this to sound like a psychoanalysis of her, but I totally get why she is how she is now. Yeah, that still sounds analytical, doesn't it? I guess I would say just be careful not to judge this book too quickly based on what you think you know about her.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Given to me by a close friend (though I'm not sure why?) this book covers the various odd relationships of the writer over her lifetime. Filled with all sorts of odd stories of dating, it's sure to bring, at the very least, a smile to your face. Have you ever hooked up with a dwarf or had to crawl through your kitchen window in the middle of February in an M&M costume? Read it, it's well worth the short amount of time required to get through it.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Fun comedy read. Chelsea, the comedian author, wrote several vignettes about her sex life and it was truly funny. However, if any of it actually happened, I'd be really surprised.
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    So, two caveats here: I am 48 years old and not the twenty-something partying demographic I suspect this book was intended for. Additionally, I have limited patience for the "I drink and do drugs a lot" kinds of comics; I find a little of that goes a long way for me.

    That said, the book was better at the beginning and end than in the repetitive middle. It was at its best describing Handler's family. The book was rather vapid. I didn't expect a deep read out of Chelsea Handler; I figure that this was literary junk food, but in the end, I might do Twinkies a disservice.

    I didn't need the "I might want to settle down" theme at the end that I suppose was meant to make Handler more relatable. I also think that, for a book about sex, I could have done with more sex than she described. Perhaps all this would have been better as a stand-up routine. Generally, I got bored with Handler's sex life, but it did get me to sleep easily when I read it before bed.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    These tales of alcohol and drug-fueled hookups were from another planet, and I'd be judgmental if they weren't so funny. I offered it on BookMooch.com, where it got snapped up within minutes.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I read this book long enough ago and disliked it strongly enough, that I no longer remember the details.

    What I do remember is that when I was younger, drank a lot, rebelled and was crude for no reason - I loved Chelsea Handler. I soaked up her every word. Laughed, shared the unladylike stories of Ms. Handler.

    Then one day, I saw her talking and was not amused by her stories. Because, I grew up. I had dealt with my issues, stopped drinking and lost the "teen" end of my age.

    She hasn't.

    And this is why I do not find her so humorous anymore.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    It was funny, but not as funny as some others I've read...I loveee Chelsea and will definitely read her other works. 8/10
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    While it had it's moments, I was not impressed.